Ep 326. Weddings, Proms and Trouser Skirts

19:48Me other pissed mate is walking past and he goes, what are you doing? And he goes, I'm trying to sort the air con out. Come here, I'll sort it for you. Comes in, beep, beep, beep, right eye. Do you want it full whack, do you? I'll have it full whack, right. Turn it, beep, beep, beep. There you go, sorted. Hey, night mate. Hey, what a nice guy to go to sleep. an hour later they wake up bearing in mind it's 28 degrees outside they wake up absolutely lathered in sweat he's only going to put the underfloor heating on full whack

20:20Rosie Ramsey:it's just it's like a nightmare fucking menace can you imagine you're in a strange place you're half cut you're already warm and you wake up imagine going why is it so hot in here and then putting your feet on the floor and go fucking hell fuming underfloor heating full whack and they couldn't they didn't know how to turn it off because he turned it on and locked it or something so they couldn't turn it off so they right this is the part of the story I didn't know so they slept all night with him before he eaten on shut up dying cursing him just lying there naked covers off bastard how did they not know how to turn it off because they didn't know how to turn it on he didn't know how to do it oh my god honestly oh that is so sad I'd have phoned reception I'd have been like you need to come and sort this out we're going to die yeah and I can't work out if they'd have sweated all the alcohol out or they'd have just sweated all of their sort of, you know, juices out.

21:11Rosie Ramsey:Life. Water. Yeah. It was a great wedding. Great wedding. Love a wedding. Congrats again to them. Wonderful wedding. Had a great time. Was rough as toast. It was still rough now. It's two days later and I'm still struggling. I couldn't get out of bed this morning. Nah. Horrible. We're just not used to it but it was great. Oh, the DJ, by the way, he took some videos of us dancing together. Yeah. And I think I was bent over in front of you, thrusting my arse on your genitals. And I think there's a video, so we'll see if anything happens with that. Look forward to that, sir, isn't it? Yeah, I had a nice time.

21:49Could be worse. Could be thrusting your arse on someone else's genitals.

21:52Rosie Ramsey:Well, this is the thing. At least we kept it in the family. Yeah, so, you know, yeah, that's fine. We'll be fine.

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23:03so one of the main reasons i don't like getting really really drunk and being home by now yeah is because our children um almost can sense it yeah and kind of turn the difficulty level up to like 11 yeah um the other day would be like i've been out with my mates i've been out with my mates or something and i was a little bit rough the next morning right but i got up and i was making our kids breakfast uh our son rave our four-year-old has a cheese omelet nearly every

23:30Rosie Ramsey:day right yeah just one one egg yeah cheddar cheese one egg bit of cheddar folded over bish bosh bosh now i didn't tell you this yet it's one of them things i've written down for the podcast right i'm standing there i'm not like dying but i'm just you know i'm 38 i can't handle it the way i used to i'd only had a few pints but i was just a bit you know when you yeah so i'm standing Do you want cheese omelet, son? Yeah, okay. Daddy, can I help? You know, because they watch Bluey and they watch stuff where all the kids do everything and YouTube where the parents play with them non-stop. I've had to tell Rafe that parents don't play with you all the time.

24:04Rosie Ramsey:These YouTube videos that you're watching. What's her name again? Nastya. Nastya? Yeah. Nastya's dad is not a normal dad. He is on fucking... He is on call to play constantly. The man is a legend. No disrespect. I can't fucking bear him. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry. Is it because he's always wearing like luminous clothes? What's he got? Like. He's like, he's dressed like a kid's presenter, isn't he? He looks nothing like a children's presenter. No, but he's always like, he's always got like really bold colours on. How are you, man? It wouldn't be as visually eye-catching for children if he was wearing trousers and a shirt.

24:38Oh, no, I just can't. He knows what he's doing. Hey, hey, listen. Mine's worth 130 mil or something, so doing something right.

24:44Rosie Ramsey:So quit hating. Well, no, she's older now. I was just sick of her life. Have you seen the older ones? Yeah, yeah. I love watching it all unravel. We talked about this with Ryan before, didn't we? It's just brilliant, yeah. They're just like, am I still doing this? And the mom and dad are like, yeah, you are. We bought a fucking yacht, mate. You're still doing this. Robin said something about Ryan. Well, we said, didn't he? When he watched it last, he's like, you look so old. And he said to me, he was like, I can't believe he's still doing this. And here we are, six years later. Well, the... Right, sorry, go on.

25:15So what were you saying? I'm like do you want an omelette son he went yeah can I help I went yes okay this kid has an omelette every day he's had an omelette every day for probably a year now maybe longer right I went come on then you want to help yeah yeah it's good for you the eggs and all that I went come here I went right get us a bowl and get the bowl I went get the whisk I went the whisk right I get the cheese and put it all on the bench we've got it already I went right so the first thing we do I went do you know what the first thing we do is rave he went no I went the first thing we do is would crack the egg.

25:41Do you know what he said?

25:42Rosie Ramsey:What? I don't like eggs.

25:49It took every ounce of my strength to not go, are you fucking joking me?

25:54Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. I went, what? He went, I don't like eggs. I went, it's the main ingredient of an omelette and you've had one every day for a year. Fuck, you mean you don't like eggs? He went, I don't like eggs. I went, you do like eggs? I went watch I went it's an that's what an omelette's made of I'm gonna he didn't eat it did he no he did eat it to be fair to be fair to him he did well but Robin was Robin like looked over and Robin's at the age now where when Rafe does something stupid eating like laughing at him all another one happened this morning we're driving to school we were late I had to do all kinds of shit for them Rafe I had to do a picture Robin was researching stuff we got in the corner I'm pulling out the bottom of the street right normally it's dad put a song on I'm like trying to go out the driveway it's like put a song on put a song on I'm freaking out today and I've written it down Rafe said and Robin was just staring at us Daddy I went yes he went what day is it on a Tuesday I went Tuesday he went no what day is it on a Tuesday and Robin was looking at us and I went what what do you mean and he went what day is it on a Tuesday I went it's Tuesday I went that's like asking us what boy is Rafe on it's Rafe and then he went I'm just kidding.

27:11And I was like, you know.

27:12Rosie Ramsey:Is that him covering up for how stupid he is? Don't know what it was. The supper and breakfast thing is starting to irritate me. Supper's upsetting. Literally every day, he's like, can I have some supper? And I'm like, it's breakfast. And then he says, can I have some breakfast? And I'm like, it's supper. So why? Are you winding us up? It's because it's the same meal. It's because he has, basically, his breakfast and supper are kind of similar. God, he's me, isn't he? Yeah, he's you. He's me. Robin is you. Rafe is me. yeah yeah yeah great oh well at least we'll know that i was now we have had a very prom heavy couple of weeks haven't we yes prom season congratulations to everybody who is congratulations i didn't nah it's very much more intense than when we were younger yeah i mean it's got first i want to i want to deal with congratulations well you finished school haven't you i suppose yeah so congratulations yeah but i feel like the parents are really really weighing into it oh god really making it about themselves right okay which i which i which i found a bit vile okay i believe you've got something specific in mind no no so i i i went to watch so my um my cousin's daughter was her prom yeah yeah and i went to watch them all get the photos and everything and then it was my nephew's prom and i went with him um the girls taken a lot more seriously than the boys.

28:34Rosie Ramsey:I think my nephew was actually a little bit irritated that we were there. Right, okay. Good for him. The girls sort of loved it and the girls were like, yeah, and the boys, we didn't see them for dust. I mean, don't get me wrong, it was really nice and it's very sweet. I'd have to tell you about a few of the arrivals to the prom. So they went somewhere beforehand to get their photos taken and stand in all of their regalia? Well, no, so Daniel's was at the actual location drop-off, but Poppy's was, they met at the park. And then they went on to the location. The park, where all good northeast parties begin.

29:08Rosie Ramsey:Exactly. Yeah. So there was like Lamborghinis. And I was scared, do these people own the Lamborghinis? Or are they hired? I don't know. I feel like we don't know that many people in South Shields with Lamborghinis. I feel like there's not that many people in South Shields with Lamborghinis. That's what I'm saying. Unless they keep them in the garage. I feel like they've been hired. Or they might have a friend of a friend. You might know someone and be like, oh, my uncle's mate collects cars or whatever. Maybe. Can he come through? and a guy with a Lamborghini is always going to be up for showing off his Lamborghini.

29:37He's going to want to show his Lamborghini. What is it? Prom? What? Antiques fair? What? Funeral? No bother. Yeah, I'm there.

29:43Rosie Ramsey:There was a girl on a horse, which really took me by surprise. Fully on a horse. Hi. And this was when I was leaving the park, so I was just like, shiz, arrived on a horse. Brilliant, to be fair. I mean, everyone loved it. everyone was cheering it was great the best one and I need to know the back story I haven't spoken to my nephew but I need to know the back story right one boy arrived on an empty stagecoach bus and we the the a bus a full bus a full bus with ribbon on like a full actual person like one to the town hall please a full on bus like a public bus like a public bus and there was a woman driving it and I can only assume that his mom was the bus driver.

30:33Rosie Ramsey:Right. And she's like, son, I'll take you. And it was hilarious. I'll borrow a bus. It was great. It was brilliant. But you know, and you're just like, what is happening? See, when I took your other cousin, Millie, I took her to a prom once. Well, I was there as well. Yeah, we were there. There was kids turned up on an open-top bus, but there was loads of them. Yeah, no, this was just one person. But it wasn't an open-top bus. It was just like a bus that would go around Shields. No, it was the 30. It was literally the 30. So instead of saying not in service on the front, it said taking a lad to prom.

31:04Rosie Ramsey:It didn't say anything. It just said... She didn't even put his name on the front. No. Not that I can remember. Wow. It was brilliant. But I need to know the backstory of that. What's been upsetting me about... Not upsetting me, but what I always find concerning about the prom photos, they're all circling on Instagram stuff at a minute, Facebook from family members and that. The girls look 30. Oh, my word. 30, easily. You know, the housewives shows you watch, that literally looked like women. And the boys... Full hair and makeup. And all of them had it done. It wasn't like back in the day when a couple of girls that I went to school with always just looked a bit older and took more care of themselves and maybe the mom does...

31:44Rosie Ramsey:You know. I get what you mean. And everyone else looked like a bag of shit. Yeah, they were the... Every single person. Yeah. Every single person. So the girls look 30-odd and glamorous like models. No, I'm saying they look fantastic. Yeah, stunning. Yeah, but the boys look like... You know in Cinderella where she turns the mice into the footman? Yes. They just look like little mice that have been turned into men for the night. Oh, no, they were canny. But they do most because just boys look so... I mean, I remember being at school and the girls looked so much... But as an outsider looking in now, as a 30-year-old man, I'm like, that looks like a boy who's going to court next to a model.

32:22Rosie Ramsey:It's insane. It's insane. And I'm telling you, the difference in skin tones is upsetting. Oh, there's a lot of tan going on. None of the lads fake tans. So, you know, they just look white. Translucent boys. All the girls have got so much fake tan on that it's like, what's happened? Here's something. Have you all just come back in your holidays? Yeah. And have you guys been in the Arctic Circle for six months? And it's been nighttime. That's what it looked like. One thing, I don't know if this is weird or not. Right. And I don't know whether, hear me out. Right. I looked at it as an older woman really differently and when the lads were there I was like I would have loved you at school right okay like there was certain boys right they're like 15, 16 but I was like if I was at school you'd have been obsessed with them that's who I'd have loved he'd have been yeah that's who I'd yeah is that weird I don't find it weird but I am not about to say that about the girls no I know I know isn't it weird because I'm saying it like it would be much weird if I said it.

33:29Rosie Ramsey:But actually is it though because you No it would be. No but you could say oh I would have I would have fancied no you can't can you? Well I mean as a blanket statement I could say as a child that I probably fancied all of them. Yeah. Because I was just like there's a girl she's got a dress on. I need to change me pants.

33:56Rosie Ramsey:pretty long hair did they wear skirts or trousers at your school er you kidding us trousers or skirts mainly trousers and er my school was the epicenter of the er trousers with the skirt over the top got banned, got banned after a week did it? oh they all came into school with them on black trousers, skirt that was over the top all one bit, yeah first girl came in with them on, absolute hell on Absolute hell on. And a few more got it. Cancelled it. That was the worst fashion trend ever. But I jumped on that bandwagon. I don't know. Skirt. Skirt trousers? Trouser skirt? Trouser skirt? Trouser skirt?

34:36Nah, they had one word. I can't remember what it was. Trouser skirt. Wasn't that. But yeah, banned. Banned them in a week.

34:42Rosie Ramsey:We were skirts. And I left home. Yeah, we know this. And rolled. No, no. I'm not going to tell you about the time that I forgot to put my skirt on. That's different. I rolled my skirt up three times while I was walking to school. Disgusting. Vile, like actually vile. Disgusting. So my mum was like, yes, Rosie, that is allowed. And then I'd be like, fuck you. Rolled it up three times. Made the skirt horrendous, by the way. One o 'clock, two o 'clock, three o 'clock, slag. I... Give me one margarita, I got all my legs. Give me two margaritas, I want... I can't remember the rest of the song. Christopher?

35:21Rosie Ramsey:Yes, Rosemary. Exciting news. What? Exciting news. Come on then. Coming your way. Are you ready? Throw it at us. And this is for you guys at home. Yeah. Later in the year, we are going to start releasing some extra episodes. No, what? More work? Delete this now. They're going to be called, Please Get Me Anonymous. Catchy. I'll tell you about it. They're going to be slightly different from our Friday podcast and they're going to feature a celebrity guest reading out some of your brilliant emails. Oh my God, are we going to be the first podcast in the UK to have guests? no one's ever done that guests guys he's being sarcastic so listen if you want your email to be read out by one of the celebrity guests email shaggedmarriedannoyed at jmail.com and make sure the title of your email is please keep me anonymous oos George Clooney could literally be reading out your email everyone forgets she said that and lower your expectations drastically drastically we look if you'll get I don't want to snag her enough but we look if you get don't name it If we get that cunt that's on everything.

36:21Don't name people. That was just random. I was just picking someone at random.

36:26Rosie Ramsey:Okay. It's exciting though. Thanks very much. It's time for What's Your Beef? Hello Chris. How are you sunshine? Hello Barry. Yeah. Is it Barry or Belinda? Barry. Hello Barry. Racist.

36:46Rosie Ramsey:Definitely not. Definitely not racist. Yeah. sexist. There it is. Listen. Aye. Love the new gaff. Aye. Very, very nice. Good. You had the professionals in? Had all the professionals in? This is top form, top class gear you've got going on here. Looks absolutely stunning. No, the professionals didn't come in. Eh? No. No. Nah. Who's done this? who's done this Rosie did all of it

37:26Rosie Ramsey:you're kidding you are kidding she's done all this she's bought and styled all of this are you joking me tell us don't do not shit me up she 100 % did all this herself fuck me she is pure talent and it's just bloody good luck. You've seen the pictures from that wedding. Yeah.

37:55Rosie Ramsey:Stunning. Yeah. Stunning. Punching, mate. Absolutely punching. Great. But it looks lovely and I'm really proud of you as both and I hope yous have a lovely time and you're doing a really good job. Thank you very much. I'm just trying to come and say that. Right, okay. By the way, my mum's in hospital. Yeah. Oh, sorry to hear that one. Yeah. Yeah. Scoliosis.

38:21that just come on has it

38:22Rosie Ramsey:just caught it from the metro

38:33so I'm personally I don't even have to do any kind of thing for anyone offended by that because I have got scoliosis oh

38:40Rosie Ramsey:I know I've got slight scoliosis in the top of my spine aye okay sorry about that listen I'm gonna shoot so I'll catch you later enjoy the sunshine I'm going to Greece on Friday really excited alright yeah yeah so Rosie and her mom and her sister's good oh god oh no different place no no I didn't know no we'll not see each other no secret meetings listen don't be getting carried alright bye your fucking the noise of a phone going down needs some work I ran out of breath I ran out of breath Ah, well done. He's just come to say hello. Very well done. You're such a tosser. Yes, you did this to yourself.

39:20Very well done. Very well done. Very happy. Right, what's your beef?

39:24Rosie Ramsey:Okay, hang on. You go first. Okay. My beef with you, and this is something I wrote down the other day. You are lazy and love sitting down and lying down. Once you've sat down or lied down, you won't move at all. Right? Right. You, I heard you. I don't think it is lazy. I heard you the other day. you whispered to Rafe, tell dad that if he loves mommy, you'll go and get her her socks.

39:54Shocking.

39:55Rosie Ramsey:So what did he, so did he? No, you said. No, but did he go and, did he say? You said that to me. I heard you say it to him. You were two foot away from us. Tell daddy that if he loves mommy, you'll go and get her socks for her. I don't actually remember this. And I wrote it down. Yeah. Disgusting. I know. Sorry about that. Disgusting. my beef my beef with you is actually a lot harsher than that that's nothing it's not too bad you've been alright this week you've actually been alright have I yeah yeah do you know what it is I have had a good week yeah I have due on due on next week so oh got that look forward looking forward to having a couple of arguments with Kate and my mum while we're away brilliant are you away for most of it yeah well I'm only away for four days you know me it's only the only last of our four days doesn't it the old yeah I will say about a week usually it's pain is it great if you no word of a lie if you can time it in your app and get to use that fucking app I will happily have you go away for the whatever you've got I'm thinking about starting to time like actually really follow it properly and time like work around it and stuff yeah because it's actually seriously kind of ruins my life a little bit ruins mine ruins mine well great my beef with you yeah is I've just wrote here and then I'll explain it properly yeah I've put you don't have to explain everything I think that everyone...

41:16Rosie Ramsey:Telling the man on the phone you were getting the code for the Deliveroo. Do you remember this? Yes, I was ordering a skip. Yeah, this irritates me about you. You were on the phone, right? And you needed the code because you were actually on your way outside and the Deliveroo driver arrived and you needed the code of me. So I was on the phone ordering a skip but you couldn't be asked to go and get the Deliveroo. Well, I obviously was doing something else. Oh, I would have just gone to the door. I can't remember what I was doing. Don't try to turn this around. I obviously was busy because I would have, you were on your way out.

41:46Rosie Ramsey:So you literally were like, I'm on my way out. I'll go get the delivery. You needed the code. So I showed me my phone with the code on because I'd ordered it, obviously. So you looked at the code, but then you proceeded to tell the man on the phone, instead of just going like that, code in your brain, you proceeded to tell the man on the phone the full interaction of me and you. Oh, sorry, I'm just getting the code for the delivery because I'm just getting it. And I just, why you got to tell? I'll tell you fucking why. Because I'd accidentally said the number, 70 odd or whatever, and he'd asked us how many weeks I want it for.

42:19And he said 70 odd. And I went, no, I'll get the number for the Deliveroo. Right. Okay. Fair enough. Apologise now. You didn't have to say the number out loud. Well, I did it by accident. You can fuck off. Because when you're on the phone to one of your friends, right, and I literally ask anything, I was trying to show you one thing, you go, what? Two seconds. What do you want? What do you fucking want? Right, yes, fine. Sorry, love. I was like, he was asking us something. I hate it when you talk to someone on the phone. I hate it when you go, don't be on the phone all the time. It's a nightmare.

42:47Don't. Fucking walkie-talkie.

42:49Rosie Ramsey:You don't have to talk to us all the time. Sometimes I need stuff. Sometimes I need stuff. It can wait. Let's go back to the olden days. Right. I want to landline me. I want to landline. I don't want anyone to be able to contact us on a mobile. I want to go Woody Harrelson. Full Woody Harrelson. His exact quote is, I don't have a mobile phone because I don't think I should be contactable by any human all the time. I have to agree. it is ridiculous totally right I fucking hate it I wake up man and I'm checking emails I barely open my eyes I haven't even had a piss and I'm getting emails yeah I mean listen I do agree imagine like that's like that's like a work thing imagine waking up rolling out of bed and someone just fucking hands you a fax horrible we're too we're too contactable 24 7 I would agree with that but okay just maybe maybe just the beef is like you just over explain yourself I do sometimes it's sometimes sweet but then sometimes it's weird and I'm with you.

43:42You've got to take the sweet with the weird.

43:44Rosie Ramsey:And you do, but you do it, not just on the phone, you do it in person, like in restaurants and stuff. Like if someone came over, instead of like stopping the conversation, you'd be like, oh, we're just talking, sorry, we're just talking about, and I'm sat there going, I don't need to know. Do you know what I mean? Yes. But maybe they won't know. Listen, just change your full personality and we'll start getting on better. I'm working on it. High five.

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45:30Go to shopify.com slash realm. That's shopify.com slash realm.

46:00Rosie Ramsey:science-backed solutions that work with your life. That's where Oli comes in. Start your mornings off right with Maltese made to support nutrition and immune health. Choose from our lineup of gut-supporting probiotics, and we've got occasional sleep support to help the whole fam chase their big dreams. Head back to class with the number one gummy supplement brand. Stock up on Oli.com today. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. It's time for questions from the public. Question from the public, public, public, public, public, public.

46:32Rosie Ramsey:Public. As always, if you'd like to get in touch, it's shaggedmarinoid at gmail.com. Dear Chris and Rosie. Dear Chris and Rosie. Dear me. I'm watching the Foresight Saga on Netflix. It's been out for years. It's really good. Anyway. What the fuck was that? Just, dear. It's quite, it's like set in posh times. It's set in posh times. Like olden days, posh. Oh, olden days. Right, yeah. Yeah. Olden days, my favourite period of history, olden days. But it's the posh side. Not like the... I'm Dr. Chris Ramsey. I've got a PhD in olden days. Oh, God. Long time listener, first time... I've got a master's in posh times.

47:13Rosie Ramsey:Good times. First time emailer. The sad thing about filming this podcast now is people are going to see the sheer disdain in my face whenever you say something that is remotely unfunny. Great. Look forward to more of that. I've just listened to episode 325, and after hearing about Freddie, who would take his mom's knickers to school to sniff them, I felt I had to email you. How do we even explain that? Arthur said, what? If you were being sent away during the war. The war. Yeah, if you were getting sent out of the city, one of the kids who got sent out, what would you take of your family members to remember them while you were away?

47:56And he said, I'd take my mom's knickers to sniff them. because he didn't realise the connotations because he was just a child.

48:02Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. And he's in prison now. He is in prison now, quite right.

48:08Rosie Ramsey:Do you remember Goodnight, Mr. Tom? Don't even. I know, I know. Oh my God. I might watch that again, you know. I'm going through this period of time. Oh, well, Goodnight, Mr. Tom is set in olden times. I know, that's what I mean. Yeah, yeah, and it's in a little village, so it is also posh times. Yeah, I'm really enjoying really sad, sad stuff at the minute. I think we watched it at school. Did you? Christ alive. It's really good. If you haven't seen it, it's very sad. It's very good. Okay, you listening? When my now 19-year-old son was about seven and in first school, is that primary school? First?

48:41Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, so first, middle, secondary. Right. First school, primary school. He was the Freddy on at least a weekly basis, but one incident particularly stands out. On this one day in class, they were all asked to stand up in class and tell their fellow classmates something about a teacher that they didn't think anyone else would know. Oh, shit. Why would you do that? Dangerous, isn't it? What a stupid thing to do. After a few tame tales, it was now Tom's turn. Like, I've worked in schools before, and the answers would be so shit. Something about a teacher that you don't think people would know? Is that weird, isn't it?

49:16Is that a fucking stitch-up?

49:18Rosie Ramsey:I don't know, but I can imagine them being... Like, sometimes when you ask kids questions like that, all they do is a couple of people will answer, and then other kids will just copy the answer and say it differently. Or they'll make something up. God, it's irritating. Wow. What do you know about Mr. Ramsey that nobody knows? He drinks out of a green cup. And then the next one will go, he drinks out of a yellow cup. And then you go, oh, you gotta go around the full, I fucking hated working in schools.

49:54Rosie Ramsey:god it was shit god it was shit it was oh god big love to the teachers like I don't know he's doing Dane because I swear to god there's so many kids I couldn't bear anyway right so it was now Tom's turn right I know and it says right hang on so this is what he's saying about the teacher that nobody else knows I know that Mrs we'll call her Smith I know that Mrs Smith who at the time was a classroom assistant but not in this particular class I know that Mrs Smith wears a purple bra and knickers and I know this because I've seen them on a radiator when I was lying in a bed what the fuck I'm not quite sure what the reaction the teacher had to this one, but it was a true story.

50:47Rosie Ramsey:And Mrs Smith possibly had some explaining to do at school. In way of explanation... It was his sister or something. Mrs Smith was and is a friend of mine. Right. And at the time lived in the next street and we both had two kids roughly the same age who used to spend a lot of time playing together and in and out of each other's houses. Tom had been in her house with her son and they had both been lying on the bed watching the TV and he'd clocked the bra and knickers on the radiator and he'd logged it into his memory bank to store to use at the most inappropriate time. Fucking hell, man. Imagine.

51:24What must that have been like?

51:25Rosie Ramsey:Ding, ding, ding, social services. What must that have been like? Oh, my God. Needless to say, Mrs. Smith was mortified for quite a while but fortunately saw the funny side of it and it's always a good one to bring out for a laugh. Purple's fucking bald as well, Mrs. Smith. Go on, you. Slag. Purple. Hello, Rosie and Chris. Hello. In brackets, it says my pretend friends. We are your pretend friends. Yeah. I've been listening since the beginning. Love you. Love you too. And I've been holding on to this as the disappointment of you not reading it out would be too much to bear. Oh. Bless you. But after hearing about the sea aquatic foreskin cleanse.

52:08Rosie Ramsey:Oh. That was the mate of mine who watched his foreskin in the sea. Your friend who watched his knob in the sea. Friend of a friend. loose I've lent into the possible I don't know if it was loose or not didn't say he did it under the water I've lent into the possible disappointment but there's no disappointment to be had because we are reading out yeah we're reading out and just if you're eating oh maybe pause or take a break trigger warning trigger warning but just like you know it's yeah just brace yourself okay I'm ready let's go A few years ago, my friend and I were FaceTiming. She moved to Australia like a selfish bitch.

52:48Is that what it says?

52:52Rosie Ramsey:So we have long FaceTime appointments. Yeah, got you. Okay. The conversation was on weird dreams. And I shared that every time I was performing, this isn't a dream, every time I was performing a blowjob in my dreams, there would always be bits on it. Oh God, who dreams about performing blowjobs? Not me. not me wow have I ever no I don't think I have that would be a nightmare do you remember do you remember just sorry we will get back to this so she's dreaming about blowjobs yeah do you ever are you ever in the company of women sometimes when they're like I love giving blowjobs and I'm like no you don't women very rarely say that in front of them oh I've heard women say it alright okay yeah okay vile brilliant you locked up right listen okay so but I love you and I will carry on doing it for the purposes you've just fucking said that you're worried about what's going on YouTube for saying something like that and now you're saying that it was taking us red censor me censor me read the fucking email so just in our dreams just performing blowjobs and there's bits on it which is just so vague and disgusting come on then well it's like trying to run away and you can't in a dream you can't control your dreams whatever happens There's a bit on it.

54:10Rosie Ramsey:Then there's a bit on it. She proceeded to confess that her ex-husband had that in real life. Oh, yeah. It says, yeah. It says, oh, yeah, Harry had a fuckload of... Hang on. Yeah. It says, oh, yeah, Harry... What a time to pause. What a fuckload of... It's like a diary of a CEO advert. Oh, yeah, Harry had a fuckload of dick cheese. Oh! Gag. It says, yeah, gag. so knowing that Harry was a partially sensitive soul and didn't take critique well I asked how did you tell him and she said I didn't I just ate it

54:55I mean I hope she paired it with a nice red

55:09Rosie Ramsey:the deli counter

55:16Rosie Ramsey:hello hello mrs romsey can i interest you in um so we've got what a nickname what a nickname for someone with knob cheese the deli counter fucking hell the deli counter it's it there's more i don't know why she chose to use that verb instead of oh i don't know put up with it but it felt like a deliberate choice just and i hate it i just ate it just ate it well no you know what it is though she's being a fucking idiot no no that's nice to your You wash your dick, dude. Yeah. Do you want a blowjob? Go and wash your dick. Yeah. After work, wash your dick. It's like, well, we've talked about this when we watch sex scenes on the telly.

55:58Rosie Ramsey:And you know that they've had a really long day. Or they're like, you know, like, I just think you both stink. That's upset me, something wrong than that. Yeah. Well, obviously the actors aren't really having sex, but yeah, yeah. You got really upset the other day because we watched a film. Uh-huh. I don't want to give too much away, but I mean it won't spoil the story or anything but we watched a film and one of the male characters was just about to perform oral sex on one of the female characters and she's like oh my god no I'll have a wash I walked here and he's like I don't mind and I saw you just kind of like I walked here I walked here I'll have a wash and he's like I don't mind and I literally saw you just want to die honestly I don't want to give too much away in the story but the movie was a horror and that was the scariest part

56:55Rosie Ramsey:you were yeah physically I've said before that I can't watch Gavin and Stacey in series 1 this is a bit different no no but series 1 Gavin and Stacey when James Corden's character and Ruth's character have to they eat the KFC they eat the KFC it's like a KFC sex scene and it's deliberately done very cleverly and stupidly in slapstick. Yeah. I can't watch it. No, because it's like... I can't watch it because it's the grease in there. But that's different than bloody... I can't watch someone eating a pat of crisps. I walked here, and it's 45 degrees outside. Yeah, yeah. It was in the deep south, wasn't it?

57:26Yeah. Yeah, that was the worst bit of the film. It was the worst bit of the film. We've watched a lot of films recently.

57:33Rosie Ramsey:Outlander. Yeah, whenever I have sex in Outlander. I was like, yous are absolutely lifting. Yeah, yeah. Yous are scruffy, disgusting. Soup hasn't been invented. No. Or did she invent it? I don't know. it's all over the fucking place that show good though but yeah oh nah oh nah so this one's for everyone currently listening to this on the tube hey hello this is a super quick one but I just got on the tube and there is a used wax strip on here what's happening like er to pull hair off with details it's folded in half and has left and has been left in the air vent behind the seat I have inspected it and yes there are medium length hairs folded into the pink wax I think that summer brings out loads of rubbish is that just me I think everything seems like much more dirtier and scummier and loads of rubbish in the summer I can't imagine finding that in the winter love London a bit love going there love working there but the tube on a hot day is like a fucking endurance test.

58:43Rosie Ramsey:Well, Lizzie's saying that she literally nearly died on it the other day because there's no air conditioning on it. It's nuts. And it was 30-odd degrees, and she said everyone was just getting, like, dripping, dripping with sweat. Oh, my God. But at least we have soap now, so. Who's waxing their legs on the tube? I don't know. Why was it there? Where have you waxed your leg that you've had to dispose of that on the tube? Have you waxed your leg? I hope it's a leg. Have you done that on the tube? You know sometimes like when the Brits or whatever are on and you see all the guests going there and they have to get on the tube because it's so bad in the car.

59:16There's someone on the way to a prom. They might literally be in a prom dress waxing their legs on the tube.

59:22Rosie Ramsey:Why? No, Chris. No? This is somebody who is just weird and loves to be someone for the shock fact. They're probably sitting on the other end of the tube going, find me waxed river. Hidden behind a seat. She's in a vent as well, so it's blown wax. It's wild, isn't it? Wax, gas everywhere. I don't know what the words are. I was on a train once going from Manchester to London, and there was someone sitting in the quiet carriage. I think I tried to do this as standard, but it didn't really work. But it's a true story. They were in the quiet carriage, and she was clipping and filing her nails. Yeah, awful.

59:57On the chair next to her. One, vile. Two, I had to actually make a noise. There was a noise. Clip, clip. The nail file.

1:00:08Rosie Ramsey:What upset you more? The fact that she was doing it on the trip? Double whammy. Double whammy. You take the quiet carriage very seriously, don't you? I take the quiet carriage very, very fucking seriously. Very seriously. I don't go on. I haven't been on the quiet carriage for a long time. Is it still a thing? Yeah, I think so. Is it? I don't know. I haven't seen one for a long time. I think they couldn't keep everyone quiet. Yeah, they probably just sacked it off.

1:00:35Rosie Ramsey:Let's end on a high. We're going downhill, aren't we? Let's end on a high. I can't, I'm too upset. Oh, we can end on a high. Tell you something that I didn't get to tell you beforehand. Oh, yeah. You'll love this. Right. I was in Wix the other day. Yes. I bought a razor edge scraper to scrape stuff off a wall with. Right. Lady selling us it. Said, I just have to check, are you definitely over 25? Shut up. Children's lives, swear. I went, sorry, she went, just checking, I have to ask. I'm sorry but are you over 25 I went oh my god did you have to show ID yes I am no she didn't go that far but she did ask I think they ask everyone no I think they ask everyone no I think the policy is I drank loads of water that day I'd had an electrolyte I think they ask I'd had an electrolyte I look good no but if she genuinely thought you were under 25 she would have had to see some ID why is it 25 because you can have a child at 15 but you can't buy a fucking wall scraper until you're 25 razor edged wall scraper I swear to god the world has literally gone mad you can drive a car you can drink yourself into oblivion but you can't get off let me get off I said to her thank you very much for the compliment you really give us the boost I need for today and I took my razor edged wall scraper I jumped on the train home and I shaved my legs with it so on the train why did you just out of curiosity between you and I this doesn't have to go in what did you buy that for what do we need that for to scrape the holes up there that I haven't done yet that you haven't filled in yeah well I filled them in no you filled them in I filled them in I haven't scraped the excess off so guys just to let you know that this podcast is going on YouTube for the full thing I bought everything and sorted everything out Chris all he had to do was fill the holes in yeah and paint them and he hasn't done it can't see them on the camera though no you might if you were zooming in can't see them I win alright okay

1:02:40Rosie Ramsey:thanks so much for listening and watching this week's episode of Shagmoudinoid apologies if we've been a bit giddy yeah it's the first time that we're in the new studio but I just got used to the last one I know and the cameras are on it's all a bit odd but I hope it's alright we don't like change but yes thank you for listening thank you for watching as always if you'd like to get in touch it's shagmoudinoid at gmail.com send us whatever you want If anything throughout this episode has jogged a little memory, send us something in. We'd love to hear from you. Thank you. All right. Bye. Bye.

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