Ep 331. Send this to 10 people or you will die

24:38Find Starbucks Frappuccino drinks wherever you buy your groceries. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef. What's your beef?

24:51Rosie Ramsey:My beef with you. It's not that serious. It's pretty chill, but it just made us laugh in the moment. I took the kids to see a lovely show the other day. It was Danny Adams and his dad, Clive Adams and Mick, and I don't know what Mick's surname is. I'm really sorry. But it was bonkers. it was Cirque du Hilarious it's on Gypsy Green I think it's finished now it's probably finished by the time this goes out but it'll probably be on next year and they do the Theatre Royal Patent of Mime in Newcastle it was such a good show and afterwards they were selling you know the plates spinning plates that you do with the stick and you can do all that I can do it I learned it at Ponton's because it's just something and I totally forgot I could do it until the kids wanted to buy them and I bought them and I was like oh my god I'm good at this you could not hide the fact that you were so upset that I could do it and you couldn't and now who can do it yeah now you can do it but at the moment you were like how are you good at this and why can't I it was pathetic just smacks of a secret life that you're hiding just smacks of you know everyone thinks that possibly their wife or partner might run away at some time but not run away to the circus, which is clearly now an option for you, because it's been played site noise business.

26:08Yeah, yeah, yeah. True. So, just, you know, keeps us on your toes.

26:10Rosie Ramsey:Were you quite impressed, though? I was really impressed until I learned it in about 20 minutes, and then that was that. Now, I'm honestly, going on record here, I'm now the best person in the house at it. No, you're not. No, you're fucking not. I knew you'd say that. You're not. You're such a prick. So, what I did is I took your technique, learned it, improved on it, became better. You're still not even as good as me, is it? The master has become the student. the student has become the master my young it was just funny it was just funny that I knew something that you didn't know the like the just she I was fuming I was absolutely I nearly fucking smashed it out of your hand I nearly smashed it out of your hand and went rubbish that who'd want to do that why would you even want to spin play some play eating off stupid pointless that was yeah that was your place well look you know what it is I'm childish and I can do yo-yos on that and you could randomly just immediately spin play I was jealous but now I can do it and like I say now if you want any tips because obviously great yeah there it is well done my beef with you which you've pretty warned us about by the way so I'm like worried I don't know what this is so all it is is right I don't want this to become a big thing I don't want it to be a big argument well okay just to warn you I am as you can probably tell by listening the week before me period you can always tell shall I save this for the golden week no but I was sunshine and laughter last week and you can tell I'm different this week let's not go on daft no I was you were okay you were marginally enjoyable to be around come on then I can't guarantee that I won't be fuming I'll hold your hand here all I ask and everyone listening all we ask for is a bit of honesty if at any point in what I'm saying I am hitting the nail on the head you have to admit it you can't just go on the defensive I can't promise you have to promise that if there's honesty you'll hold it close right okay okay alright okay no I do okay you let me just rearrange myself let me see you went away and stayed in a cottage with your friends the other day I did yeah because I had childcare already sorted for one of the days that you were away with the school club and all of the days yeah yeah for one of the days it was already sorted and I didn't have anything to do I sorted you had childcare sorted for every single day that I was away so all you did was put them to bed and get up in the morning feed them in the morning yeah keep them safe yeah um spin plates so they could have some enjoyment yeah um and by the way everyone listening chris is also going away but he just he always leaves that out no you always leave that out you are also going away i'm going away same cottage yeah i'm going away yeah yeah yeah so so listen listen no you just love to be like roses away no you go away too you just don't make it we go away very equally yes we do however right on the monday i'd book to go and play golf with me mate while you're away there was a very strong air of you were annoyed that i was doing something enjoyable for me while you were doing something enjoyable for you there's a very strong air of had on i'm going away you should just be at home with the kids no are you sure right okay this is where i get like this is where I get flabbergasted with you.

29:25Flabbergasted is a great word.

29:26Rosie Ramsey:Because you, right, I'm not trying to gaslight you here, right? I promise you. For a change. You make up these situations in your head. Okay. This is a you problem. Right. This is a you problem. There's not one part of you thought that I... I swear to God. Because anyone listening, you can skip back and you can just, you were quite, quite venomous when you told everyone that I had childcare for the three days and all I did was put them in bed and get up in the with them. Okay. There is. No. There is. No. There is a massive party that's like, yes, this is my night's away. You need to be at home with them children.

30:00Rosie Ramsey:It's because you make a bit of an issue about me going away. Right. But the fact, whenever I go away, you then automatically, you book something in when you go away. Like whenever I plan a night out, you're like, well, me and the lads are going out the day after. Right. You do do that. Did I say anything about me being annoyed? It's heavily implied. Did I say anything? Something in the air. you need to bring this up with your therapist because you think you think that I am annoyed about things that I am not annoyed about the fact that you were playing golf when I was away that literally I swear I swear down I did not give it a second thought okay I don't believe you but fair enough no I believe you no I wasn't annoyed I wasn't annoyed okay I wasn't annoyed okay the thing I do do you want to know what I do get annoyed about yeah yeah I do get annoyed about the fact that you do sometimes have days where you could do stuff and you don't right you always prioritize your shitty little hobbies above everything else that needs doing in the house that's what I get annoyed about and you're always like no so all my stuff sorted like I get my shit sorted like you know I've got lists of jobs to do and I get them done and everything's done and then you're why haven't I sorted this out and I'm like because you prioritise your shit overdoing them things guilty but I'm not gonna stop no that's fine then okay that's good I was not annoyed at you at all why have you even got that look look Jesus look this is no this is a you problem this is absolutely you've been like this our entire marriage where you're literally like are you alright are you okay and I'm like I am but I'm not going to be if you keep fucking asking us alright man sorry that I just checked to see if you're okay at what point like the kids were fine you picked them up you had a lovely little time they were safe they got bathed they got put in bed I was you know I was happy in the knowledge that everyone had a lovely day but do you know what I didn't say anything I I didn't Chris I never once said I believe you no you make it you make this up in your head you make this all up in your head that I'm annoyed okay and were you annoyed at me because you thought I was annoyed no I was constantly I was like am I going to get told off but then I was like how could she where did you even go I didn't even know you'd gone to golf where did you go local yeah yeah right great like what the fuck I was like how like I'm just like I suppose like If I was away and I'd be like, hey, what are you doing?

32:50Oh, I'm going out. You can't go out. You've got to stay with them kids.

32:53Rosie Ramsey:In what world would that exist? When you go away to the cottage, if I've got childcare, I might go for lunch or might... Take the piss out of you. No, do you know what it is? I'm going to fabricate in my mind that you're upset with this because... I am. Don't be going for lunch. Literally. Write this down. Write this in your little note. Therapist notes. Talk about making things up in your head. Sorry, I can't fit on therapist notes. Therapist notes is full. can I make a new note? Yeah. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public. Public. As always, if you'd like, can get in touch at shagmarriedannoyed at gmail.com.

33:32Rosie Ramsey:Let's talk about shit, baby. Let's talk about poo and wee. Let's talk about all the good shits and the bad shits that have been. Let's talk about shit. Let's talk about shit. With a little bit of shit. Let's talk about shit. Shag, married and shit Did I kill it? That was Try it again Shag, married and shit That was better Well done Yeah, you were too close Too close to the harmony Right, okay What does that mean? It was just too close to mine So it clashed and it didn't sound right So I had to do a different one So you had to go higher like shit Could I have gone lower? Shit Yeah, do you want to go lower?

34:08Rosie Ramsey:Ready? Shag, married and shit Yeah, yeah Still low High sounds better Yeah, yeah, yeah One more time Shag, married and shit you do the tune I'll do the homie I can't do the tune that's gonna be it you can do the tune Shag married and shit that was good plate spinning and singing how stupid and you shouldn't be able to do them they're pathetic for losers people hate that people can sing don't they like no I don't hate that you can sing I hate that I can't sing you're not that bad I'm bad I'm really bad I can't hold a tune I'm terrible honestly I've heard worse I think you're alright I've heard people who are worse who actually think they can sing Right, well I've heard this isn't a compliment.

34:48Rosie Ramsey:Good morning Chris and Rosie. Hello. It might not be morning, but listen. Currently five past two where I am. That's very inclusive. Whatever. Please keep me anonymous. Always. In 2016 I was on my lovely summer holidays with my boyfriend in Portugal. Beer, beaches, sun, sex, stunning. Oh. Do you remember sex on holidays? Beaches or bitches? Beach, beaches. Good, thank you, just checking. Not bitches. Remember holiday sex Chris? Yeah. Older sex before kids. It was nice, wasn't it? God, yeah. I can't remember the last time I had sex in a foreign country. It's been a while. It's been a while. It's been a while.

35:24Rosie Ramsey:God, yeah. Not a football fan in any way, but we went to watch the final of the Euros in a massive street party and Portugal won. Spoiler alert. I remember that, yeah. In 2016. Spoiler alert. Dear Chagmite annoyed, I've been catching up on all the World Cups and Euros since 1980. I was furious to listen to your most recent podcast where you gave away that Portugal won in 2016. Don't know what to do now. Honestly, I feel like we would actually get an email like that. Somebody commented recently on my Instagram about me singing and they said they hate it because it triggers them and it reminds them of when they were younger and the mam used to always just sing for no reason.

36:04I mean, how much do you want? How much do you want everyone else's actions in the world to bend to your will? is my question well I don't know

36:16Rosie Ramsey:privileged people are very privileged nowadays just to think that that's the thing isn't it I don't want to get too deep no they can have their money back oh it's free right ah wow burn baby burn oh sorry don't sing don't sing trigger fucking crazy that's a crazy thing I know I haven't I deliberately didn't tell you about it can you not think because I'm trigger because I'm used to oh well let's ban fucking music because you get upset about it. Their mom must have been such a bad singer. Can you imagine? Or a really good singer. That's why she reminds me of. Jealous. Yeah. Listen. They're not a football fan in any way but we went to watch the final of the Euros at a massive street party in Portugal.

36:59Rosie Ramsey:Portugal won. Yeah. There was beer, tears, people dancing on cars et cetera et cetera. It was an amazing night. I bet it was. She's really good at listening stuff. Yeah. Holiday. Bitches. No sorry. beaches beer holiday sex Euro party beer dancing on cars tears tears it's amazing I love it it must have been amazing though being in the country that wins yeah even like because obviously England would have lost but you would still be buzzing because you're in Portugal and they've won and it's like they weren't playing it were they playing in the final or they were no but I'm just no England were probably out before that but I'm just saying it must be amazing being in the country that wins whatever it is yes unless you're unless you're literally I'm going to tell her I'll die.

37:41Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you know. No, I imagine, yeah, that would be, just to see how they went on, that would be really fun. Oh, yeah, it would be really fun. You know. That would be amazing. We drank far too much and decided to walk back to our Airbnb. Oh, you thought you. It was the other end of a very long A road with no pavement, but we weren't bothered and set off happily. After about five minutes, I was desperate, capital letters, for a wee. There was nowhere to go. This was a pretty dodgy road and it was very dark. So I decided to quickly squat by the edge of the road. for context I was wearing a skater skirt so thought I could get away with this pretty swiftly what's a skater skirt a skater skirt I don't a skater skirt short skirt I don't know I don't know what a skater skirt is oh my god am I a shit girl she wears a skater skirt she said see you later do not sing don't sing trigger warning trigger warning don't sing for singing yeah can you also don't blink because me mum used to blink and that triggers us as well yeah don't blink like I I can't stop.

38:40Rosie Ramsey:No, no, she can't. If you don't like it, if you don't like it, I will literally forego your being a listener because I can't stop singing physically and emotionally and just, it's just part of me. It's part of my personality. So if you don't like the singing, then you don't like me and I don't know why you're still listening. Anyway, out of absolutely nowhere, every car ever in Portugal appeared. Always the case. Always the case. Absolutely dead motorway, dead of night, get out for a piss. absolutely every car ever in Portugal appeared with blaring headlights. At exactly the same moment, the beers and tapas we had consumed decided to exit my body violently.

39:22I've always said this. I've always said this. Call a sexist if you want, but a woman weaning in public always seems a bit worse than a man weaning in public because it has all of the physical language of a shit.

39:35Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, it is. It's squatting. It's pure, yeah. And like I've said before, You don't really know this feeling, but every time, as a woman, every time you sit on the loo, you could shit. Yeah. It's like, am I? As I'm here. Yeah. Well, should I? Yeah. I am. I just have like five or six little shits a day. But I think I've got abs. Little deposits. What am I? I think I'm allergic to eggs. Massively. You're allergic to something. You're allergic to something, but you're not getting checked. I really like eggs. All the food I eat, I really enjoy, so I don't want to find out. No. I'll just live in the...

40:11Rosie Ramsey:I'm happy to have, you know, a couple of little drop offs a day. I don't mind. Right, listen. So, yes, that's right. It's easier. I was shitting all over the side of the road. In brackets, the headlights illuminate in the house behind me, which I hadn't noticed. Oh, no. There was nothing I could do. I did the only thing any sane person would do and I put my Cristiano Ronaldo mask back on that I was given at the street party. So now every car that drove past buzzing on the high of Portugal's Euro win could see Cristiano Ronaldo with tits and a skirt on shitting himself in the street. And it says I also started waving like the queen for no apparent reason.

40:54Rosie Ramsey:I didn't speak to my boyfriend for the rest of the walk home. He was ahead of me on the road during the whole event. But I walked like John Wayne and got into the shower fully dressed in our Airbnb, which must have looked strange, but sensibly he didn't question me. We broke up about a year later. I believe this was unrelated but who knows. Now, seven years later, we're good friends and another friend decided the time was right that he should know the true story. After he'd finished laughing at me. Oh, so she never told him. After he'd finished laughing at me, understandably, he whipped out his phone and produced a photo of me in said mask.

41:27Rosie Ramsey:Please see attached. There is a photo of it. I haven't put it on yet. I know what I put it. I mean, it's not her shitting, is it? No, it's just her in the mask. It's very funny. Wow. That's the thing. Oh, there's something here for you. Finally, I really identify with Chris when he experiences some of his anxieties and thought you might like to know that six years after the event, I woke up in a cold sweat, fully convinced I was about to be arrested by the Portuguese police for indecent exposure slash footballer defaming slash et cetera, et cetera. There it is. Aren't brains fun? Aren't brains fun is brilliant.

42:00Yeah, no, God, fucking hell. I always worry about stuff that happened years ago that I'm going to get caught for it. What's really upsetting there is, like, you know, you go to Airbnbs and you go to hotels and stuff, and they are cleaning stuff, but someone could have literally just had a shit in the road and then climbed into the Airbnbs shower fully clothed and washed all the shit off them. You look like you shouldn't even get in the bed. Yeah, but you'll never know. You never know.

42:20Rosie Ramsey:You've got to just live. I think when you go and stay in any hotel, Airbnbs, anything like that, any sort of guest house. Just assume someone is... No, just don't. Just don't imagine that anyone else has been there. Yeah, either don't think about it or just be okay with the fact that someone has probably shat, pissed and fucked nearly everywhere in the whole place. Oh, God, I'm people disgusting. It's the, you know, not so much hotels, but there are some hotels. It's more so, for me, it's like the pillows that... Throws. Throws and pillows on beds. Throws and pillows that are for show. Show pillows.

42:51Yeah. No, no, no, no.

42:53Rosie Ramsey:I'll never be resting my head on one of them. No, no, no, no, no. No, no. Do you know what upsets me about being abroad when you think of villas and stuff? it's just men with their pits out with their armpits out on like on sofas like no top on and greasy in that right yeah yeah yeah I don't like I would love to own a guest house or something or like an Airbnb you'd never let anyone stay there I'd get so upset I would never go if I knew strangers were going I would never go you'd be like we can use it as well nah I'm not going I'd just get upset if people fucked stuff up they would fuck stuff up I know I'd get so upset yeah yeah yeah like when you I follow a few of them online and they're just like look at the way that my guest house got left I'd be like Oh my God.

43:31People won't film porn on them as well. We know this. Yeah. They're probably cleaner than the rest of them, it'd be fair.

43:35Rosie Ramsey:Well, they're more professional. It's a goddamn professional set. Oh my God. They've got insurance. Have you heard about porn recently? No. You've got to put your agent. You've got to sign an email address. I have heard about this. Yeah. I think that's really good. Well, anything to stop kids on porn. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's great. People are kicking off saying that they just want all your details and stuff. That's why people are kicking off. They're saying, oh, they're just trying to get all your details. Right. Okay. I think that's what it is. There's like two sides of it. So people are buzzing about mams.

44:02Yeah. And parents are buzzing that children can't access it.

44:05Rosie Ramsey:I'm only buzzing because like Robin is nine. And I feel like it's going to be something we're going to have to cross in a few years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I mean, I'm quite happy about it. But okay, what do you mean they want all your details? And then, well, so you've got to like sign. Everyone wants your details. I think you've got to like sign up, like, you know, link this to your Facebook or your Google account or sign. and you're like, I think some people are like, well, you don't, it's kind of like a dirty secret you don't want. Takes away the anonymity of it. Yes. Bring back porn magazines.

44:34Rosie Ramsey:That's all I say. Let's all just go and crawl into your local hedge and find a couple of bits of porn mag and just do that then. It was an honest time. It was an honest time. Old school. Yeah. Yeah. Or like just dirty books. Dirty books. Hey, everyone. Everyone, lads. just use your memories excuse me just have a memory wank glasses all there glasses as well just have a memory wank just get in the shower shut your eyes think about something no it's impossible it takes fucking forever

45:09your fucking water bill your water bill will go through the roof who's been having 45 minute showers I just can't remember my stuff

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46:03Choose from our lineup of gut-supporting probiotics, and we've got occasional sleep support to help the whole fam chase their big dreams. Head back to class with the number one gummy supplement brand. Stock up on Oli.com today. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. tomorrow morning is knocking stock your fridge now how about a creamy mocha frappuccino drink or a sweet vanilla smooth caramel maybe or a white chocolate mocha whichever you choose delicious coffee awaits find starbucks frappuccino drinks wherever you buy your groceries

46:36Rosie Ramsey:hi chris and rosie long time listener from episode one first time email love a bit of that thought i would share this story about a traumatic event from high school following on from the chip fire story and playing lonely by Akon to the man in the wheelchair oh yes yes yes yes when we was in year nine when we was in year nine brilliant it's always better when you say it wrote down yeah because people say obviously what part of the country do they say when we is it Brummie when we was in anyway I suppose I don't know because they've said high school so yeah I don't know but I just always I quite like it has that changed already say it as you say it do people say high school now now.

47:18Has that changed? Or is that just a certain part of the country?

47:20Rosie Ramsey:Certain parts of the country. So comprehensive. Well, we call it like comp. But people do call it high school. It's in secondary school, but now people call it high school. No, like some people went to first school, middle school, high school. Oh, God. But it's not, it's a working class thing. Oh, God. All right, come on then. What's the matter? Everything's changing. In Birmingham, they call the man mom. Like, what can you do about it? Actually, the first time I saw that written down, I remember reading Frank Skinner's autobiography years ago, and I saw mom, and I was like, Why is he writing mom?

47:49But in my head, I'm reading it mom. But then I'm like, no, it's like my mom. My mom.

47:53Rosie Ramsey:My mom. When you say mom, it probably, people listening to this podcast probably get furious with us saying mom. Yeah, all right. You know what I mean? Mom. Okay. Do you know Robin still sometimes calls his mommy? He still sometimes says daddy as well. It's really nice. It's like you slip of the tongue and I'm like, yes, that's my darling. Right, anyway. Okay, so when we was in year nine, back in the mid 2000s, We were called for an urgent assembly. Right. Yeah. Just working on how much you're going to do. Mid-2000s. Oh, sorry. We left comp 2001. 2002 we left comp. Whatevs. They were in year nine in the middle of the 2000s.

48:35So they're like five, six. Yeah, they'd be just hitting 30 now probably. Come on then.

48:41Rosie Ramsey:I've got friends who are like 30. And then they see when they're, and I was like, Jesus Christ. I've got a friend who's 30 and the gap's not that bad now, but I remember thinking, fucking hell, you'll be 60 when I'm 70. Nearly 70. I'll be 68 and he'll be 60. I'll be like, ugh. Because that's the thing. Age, when you're younger, the gap's massive. Yeah. When you get to this middle bit that we're in now, the gap's fuck all. Yeah. But then when you get older again, the gap gets bigger again. Yeah, God, yeah. From now to like 50, we won't change that much. Speak for yourself. All right. But then you go right downhill after that.

49:14Does that make sense? Does that make sense what I'm saying?

49:17Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, okay. Photos of us with our kids for the next 10 years the kids will change fucking loads and we'll barely change. Right, okay. That's what I'm trying to say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you get older. And then it goes again. No, because that's when I'm going to get all my work done. Oh, that's it. That's when you're getting all the stuff. I'm saving it all up. Saving it all up. You know, guys and girls getting all this stuff now. I'm not getting any. I look like a bag of shit next to most of my friends. I do. They've all got Botox. They've got no fucking lines at all. and there's my Mrs.

49:44Rosie Ramsey:Kringle, right? But that's fine. I've come to terms with it. I'm fine, right? I'll just drink loads of water. Right. And then in my late 50s, that's when I'll get all my work done and yous aren't going to fucking recognize me. Yous aren't. Great. You're going to go. You're Benjamin Button yourself. Whoa. Well done. I'm saying all this. I probably won't because I'm like dead against it, but that's another story. Great. Each to their own. Right, okay. So we were killed. Killed. we were called for an urgent assembly. Our head of year had decided she wanted to give us a lesson on season the day. You know, you only live once kind of thing.

50:21Rosie Ramsey:Right. She then proceeded to get up on stage and tell us there had been a breaking news story that a meteor was about to hit Earth and we had a matter of hours to live. Fuck off. No. Therefore, they were sending us home early to spend the last precious hours of our lives with our families. No. No way. As you can imagine, people were petrified, crying hysterically and calling their parents. For her to then realise this had gone way too far and that we fully believed every word she was saying. Safe to say the backlash from parents the following day was a massive headache for the head teacher with even the local papers coming to get the scoop.

51:02Fuck off. So she's having a midlife crisis?

51:07Rosie Ramsey:I think she's thought, right I'm gonna do something just to make them realise how precious life is and it's just completely backfired because they obviously all believed it and they were like what the fuck so she told them there's a meteor coming to earth can you imagine going into assembly I mean we didn't have phones in year 9 we didn't have any phones the odd person had a mobile but we didn't really have them no not really No. So we're talking, if this is mid-2000s, we're talking, we're not iPhones yet, but we're talking most people have got a color phone with a camera. Yeah. We're talking, this is the, can you remember the little Samsung one that slid?

51:48Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're talking that one.

51:50Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, definitely. People are just downloading MP3 ringtones here. Yes. From Channel U. Yeah. That's fucking nuts. Dark, isn't it? Oh, man. I mean, yeah. Hang on, mid-2000s? Uh-huh. This is like mid-2000s to me. To now, it's like 2015. 15. Like, Robin was born. No. 2005 is mid-2000s. No, it's not. Yes, it is. Well, in the honesty box, mid-2000s would be 2050. But mid-naughties is what they're talking about here. Mid-naughties. To now, though, surely. Surely they mean from 2000, millennium, to like 2025. No. Mid-2000. No, because that's just mid-no. Mid-naughties is 2005 is the yardstick for this.

52:36It's 2005-ish.

52:37Rosie Ramsey:Mid-naughties. I don't get that. Because like you say, if it was actually mid-naughties, it would be 2050. But it can't be because we're not there. No, because it's not the noughties anymore. It was the 2010s. Now it's the 2020s. We're currently in the roaring 20s. We're halfway through the roaring 20s. Oh, right. Okay. Right. So the 70s, 80s, 90s, noughties. What is it now? Tens. The tens. The 2010s. Have they not named it anything? I don't know. Probably. They should. Right. Well, this is the roaring 20s again. we get named like it's not the Roman Twins what are we what are we in what is this year fucking hell up oh god that's so hard isn't it what is it this is 2005 that they're talking OTS so you are you left screw the 2002 you reset your GCSEs 2003 2004 this is you are in the you're in the gadget shop at this point I didn't have a phone oh did I know I know swimming shit yeah not yet I was going so there we go right great imagine that teacher just brings us in as a meteor back to the back to the matter in hand can you remember when you were a kid how many times everyone said the world was going to end oh it was all the time it was every fortnight it was every year do you remember genuinely can you remember his name the fella who predicted it all the time well no you don't remember the name Nostradamus oh Nostradamus oh it was always oh it was always oh it's been on the radio oh Nostradamus reckons the world's going to end on Monday who is it is it a rap or something who is Nostradamus who is it is it an author what I don't know is it a rapper is it a rapper yeah it was MC Nostradamus um and the futures by the way can we talk about how were you not terrified for millennium yeah I was absolutely terrified I remember the millennium happened we had a party and I was I think I was like 14 how old were we 15 uh 13 right great 13 um I remember it was buzzing because everyone was dead happy and it was like we had a party but I remember counting down being like shit yeah is it just gonna go bang shit this is it yeah yeah shit because it had been such a big hype huge and that was the that was the time of the Nostradamus Nostradamus he was just a guy who predicted stuff back in the day apparently fuck knows if he was even real imaginable bullshit and then yeah the thought was gonna be millennium bug where everything's gonna turn off oh yeah yeah but then also there was oh the world's just gonna explode it's just gonna get the millennium and everything's just gonna explode yeah I was shitting me bands do you also remember back in the day doesn't thank fuck it doesn't happen anymore I mean you get a rogue one off your bloody old auntie but like do you remember send this email to 10 people send this to 10 people or you will die yeah like fuck here's a story there was grown adults doing it because everyone was terrible email us to 10 people or you will never ever sleep again oh fuck no but it was like I remember on text like old school text and it was like you know how you could make like out of the lines like a present yeah yeah yeah send this present or you will have bad luck forever yeah yeah And you'd be like, oh my God.

55:30Rosie Ramsey:Oh my God, I'm sorry. I've got no credit left. I've got no credit left. Run to the shop, top it up, send it to 10 people. Like. Horrible. What the hell? And now we're so savvy now. Like someone texts me being like, this parcel is waiting for you. And I'm like, no, it's fucking not. Yeah, yeah. Click this link. Probably is. But it's just always dickstra. I mean, but what were people getting out of that? What was any? I don't know. What were people getting out of this? Send this to 10 people or you'll be single forever. It was probably the phone company's thing and these gullible twats were making a fortune.

56:01Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, it was. Most of the text messages I got, sent and received were, send this or you will have bad sex forever. Oh, Jesus. Obviously didn't send that one quick enough to that. Right, I found one randomly online. Hang on. Friendship is like a flower. It needs lots of sunshine to bloom. So send some sunshine today by posting this to 10 friends. The more it comes back to you, the more friendships will bloom. I'd have been sucked right into that bad lad. Oh God, honestly. Crocker shit. I've got one more for you. Go on then. Email. Stop! Okay, first you have to send this to at least 15 people. If you send this to zero people, you will have bad luck for the rest of your life.

56:48If you send this to five people, your crush will ignore you until your dying day. Dying in capitals. If you send this to ten people, your crush will ask you out. Fifteen people, and your crush will kiss you on the cheek. Twenty people, are you enjoying this? You like where this is going? Go on. Twenty people, and your crush will kiss you on the lips. Which lips? I think you'll need much more than twenty for this. 25 people and your crush will add some tongue plus all the others 30 people and your crush will do much more the freaky thing about this email is that after you send it to at least 15 people come back onto this email and press shift and then f4 and you will see something amazing it'll be so cool and freaky at the same time so start sending and you only have 15 minutes to send this go

57:41Rosie Ramsey:No wonder we've all got anxiety. No wonder we've all got anxiety. That is horrible. And the 15-year-old girl that wrote that, you should be ashamed of yourself because that is vile. It's horrible. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I have a lot of stories I could send as I am an NHS midwife. Yes. Thank you for your service. It says in brackets, poo, fannies, spew, necrotisin, facilitatis. The list goes on. What is that? Necrotising. Oh, it's when, is it when your fanny falls off? Sorry? Google necrotitis. Is it when your fanny falls off? Facciitis. I've heard of this. Necrotising. N-E-C. Hold on. Come on. Facciitis.

58:27Rosie Ramsey:N-E-C. R-O-T-I-S-I-N-G. What is it again? Necrotizing fasciitis is a subset of aggressive skin and soft tissue infections that causes muscle fascia. Oh God. It's some kind of infection. Oh God. Okay. Well, there you go. Must be on the phone. Oh, known as flesh-eating disease. Oh. Known as the flesh-eating disease. Oh my God. Heavens above. However, with a desire to keep my registration, I've had to hold back until today. just listening to episode 304 where Rosie said her one wish to a genie would be to nose in other people's houses yeah I would still have that yeah yeah yeah like I would be invisible and look round that would be mine so you wouldn't but invisible you'd have to also be like like a ghost you'd have to open doors and shit yeah you'd have to be able to walk through doors and stuff otherwise you're just gonna fucking bump into people and someone's gonna grab ahold of you you're gonna knock stuff over you were the clumsiest person in the world I know I would not be good invisible I'd be really shit and I'm really loud yeah yeah yeah you'd be really loud okay I was a community midwife for many years and the best part about it was getting to go into four or five houses a day to visit them after having a baby to look around brilliant it is the best I love seeing the expensive ones and I've seen some of the most horrific houses known to man so yeah so obviously love the big ones the big lush ones same as watching location Yeah.

1:00:07Rosie Ramsey:You've got to deal with them all. In my first week on duty as a newly qualified 21-year-old midwife, I had to go and visit a mom who had just moved to the area, who I'd never met before. She spoke very little English and lived in a new build estate where Google hadn't mapped yet. Oh, wow. Oh. I am a midwife, not a geographer. Geographer, is that right? And directions are not my strong point, but I somehow managed to find my way. Okay. So obviously it's not even on the maps yet. It's not even on Google, okay. I knocked on the door. she let me in very kindly after I said hello I'm the midwife she looked fantastic right better than me and I hadn't given birth three days ago oh okay right she let me in and we managed to get through most of my checks uh the baby asleep in the next room her bleeding had stopped her breasts were comfortable despite breastfeeding and she had even organized to go for a coffee with a friend the next day a real superwoman she let me check her perineum which looked completely healed despite her notes saying she'd had a second degree tear.

1:01:07Rosie Ramsey:Perineum is like the tissue. What is it? I thought it was just the tissue around your vagina. Maybe it is. It's a bit in between the old The gooch. The women gooch. I don't know. I'm sure. Alright, must be. I feel like I know the name. I've been told this word before. Okay. Yeah. Once I'd done my checks, I asked if I could see the baby. She called through to what I presumed was a relative looking after it in the next room until who walked into the room? But her eight-year-old child. Her only child, I might add. Yes. I'd gone into the house of the completely wrong... Fuck off. ...woman. And she checked her funny enough.

1:01:49Rosie Ramsey:And stared at the vagina of someone who hadn't been pregnant in nearly a decade.

1:01:57Rosie Ramsey:Why was she just getting her funny enough? I was mortified and incredibly apologetic. desperately putting into Google Translate that I hadn't needed to see her and that random checks from healthcare workers turning up at your door eight years after you've given birth is not the norm in the UK. So obviously this poor woman, she doesn't speak very good English. She might not have been in the country for that long. She's probably thinking, this service is an impeccable. This is all free. Free. Eight years after, they'll come and check me funny for it. This is unbelievable. wow god lover oh god lover like this this midwife's literally like you look like you look like you are like literally captain marvel like you've healed you've just healed like that straight away needless to say it's seven years later i've since exclusively used formal translator translators whenever i visit non-english speakers and i always ask someone their name before i start doing anything.

1:03:01Holy fuck.

1:03:02Rosie Ramsey:They say you learn on the job as a midwife and they couldn't be more right. I hope you are. Please keep me anonymous. I'd like to keep my job. There's a South Park episode like that. Is there? Cartman's like out of control and his mom gets the word abortion and adoption mixed up and tries to get an abortion even though he's eight. Right. And she like sleeps with local MP then like congressman then she ends up sleeping with the president and the president's like okay we'll change the law you can abort at eight years old. like we'll kill your kid and he's like she's like oh no the other one adoption and they're like oh that's allowed but it's almost the same joke it's almost the same joke do you know what it is it is one of them things like she's saying you learn on the job like she obviously hadn't gone in and said Mrs.

1:03:48Rosie Ramsey:such and such she's just turned up straight into the fanny straight into the fanny where's your baby oh yeah I do call him my baby he's in the next room playing on his fucking Xbox he'll always be my baby she must have been like checking her up honey just being like wow you have healed so and Wolverine so quickly wow I just thought that was so funny it's brilliant gee whiz pure like you must be I wonder if she tell her boss would you tell anyone I do believe this might be one of the first times it's been formally written down yeah I don't think she's told anyone I think it's just like I'll take that to me grave type shit like do you know what I mean yeah yeah that's nuts thank you for listening to this week's episode of Shagged Married Annoyed thank you very much indeed as always if there's anything that you get in touch about at all please email shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com thank you for listening thank you for watching and we'll be back in your eyes in your filthy little ears that was too loud that was too loud you're going to upset people with that if I had that in my headphones I'd be fuming sorry everyone sorry god you're ridiculous right bye everyone I took the wrong way around.

1:04:56I normally say he has an eyes and I got it wrong and then I gave myself a fright and I shouted too loud and I can't overcompensate. And look, there's a lesson in there for everyone.

1:05:02Rosie Ramsey:Hope he's alright. Hope summer holidays are okay. Bye. Still doing it. She did the Honda Games thing. Bye. Bye.

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