Ep 333. Shepherd's Pie for breakfast and disappointing den making

20:43You know when your kid's ready. He's not that arsed about his bike. Some kids are like, me bike. You know when you were younger, there was a kid who was always on his bike. Even up until teenager, there was a kid who was just always on his bike. You were all standing around in the street and you'd be standing on his bike. He'd just always have his bike. Some kids are like that and they're like, bike, bike. Some kids have football. They've always got a football to feed. Rafe does loads of good things. He's good on a scooter.

21:00Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, he's not that arsed. He can go down, crouches down on a scooter he's mint on a scooter he goes up down the ramp and everything but like they'll be kids who are like absolutely all of the bike they're constantly on it and you watch them you know that moment where they're on it and they're both stabilizers lift up off the deck because the stabilizers aren't supposed to be touching the floor at the same time as the wheel they're far they're supposed to be up slightly for when you wobble I think unless someone listening from Halford's fucking raging now punching his headphones if you watch them and they're going along and you think fucking hell them stabilizers are hard he's touching the ground he'll be fine but he's never on his bike he's not that arsed I've got something to say.

21:32Rosie Ramsey:Have you heard? Save it for your own podcast. Oh, sorry. Yeah, go on. Can I? Am I allowed to talk freely on here? You might be the only person who puts a hand up to talk on our own podcast. Do you know what's so ridiculous? We have only been filming this podcast for like, I don't know, a few weeks, months. I really don't know. We've always done this. Yeah, anyway. Do you know? Have you heard the Bike Club? Right. Are you allowed to talk about Bike Club? well the one the first one of bike club is no stabilisers no you just fight the bike club you're from you definitely right listen bike club it's like you know how cars like PCP like finance yeah yeah there's a a bike place does it what do you mean so you just like rent your bike you just rent one so you like pay I think it's about 13 quid a month you can do it with kids bikes but really good bikes so like the bikes are worth like 500 quid and you rent this bike and then when they get too old for it you swap it for like the next one.

22:30Rosie Ramsey:Isn't that such a good idea? Yes, because Robin hasn't had his bite that long and you left it outside and it's been rusted and everything and broke. I did not. That, right. This, you are gonna, you are hankering for a slap. Listen. Outside is your, other than the pot, which I do, outside is your domain. At what point am I? Outside is my domain. Yes, surely. Right. Right, can you look out? out of mind can you look after outside you tidy away the toys I do and you meant to put the bikes away but you didn't so they're rusted to fuck yeah because you had a hen do you had a hen do at our house and then you put them on the side I didn't know they stayed in the room but the fact they're not knackered me made fix them shout out to Sean Sean helped us fix them but I went to Halfads again Halfads are getting a good shout out today I went to other bike shops available stop clutching your chest I'm just I'm being gaslit you're gaslighting yourself in broad daylight listen I'm still fuming that you're talking about bike club and I will get on to that.

23:27I went to Halfords and the guy was like, oh yeah. And he looked, I was like thinking about, do I have to get a new one until me mate Sean said, you don't have to get a new one. It's a bit of rust, stop being ridiculous. He went, oh yeah, he's in the next size up now. I was like, are you fucking kidding me? Has he grown out of that bike already? He's not seen him, but he doesn't get it. So he sits on it and he's pedaling and his knees are nearly hitting him in the face. But he loves, because he doesn't like the idea that he likes to sit on his seat and have his feet on the ground like a fucking BMX.

23:49I don't know why, but he does, even though it's a mountain bike. But they grow out of their bikes so quick. Well, let's do Bike Club. It's frightening.

23:55Rosie Ramsey:Let's do Bike Club. That's a really good idea. Yeah, I know. Really good idea. I mean, I don't even know if it's called Bike Club, but that's... Fucking hell. A full chat with built-in jokes and callbacks based on a guess. Full ad. A guess. Or Bike Club. Well, make sure it is exactly what you think it is. never buy a kids bike again again again again yeah that's kind of yeah subscription kids bikes look at this man free ads you're so welcome but i let's oh it's yeah balance yeah five or a month 999 11.99 mint let's do it class good what a good idea aren't people clever love shit like that very good love stuff like that yeah yeah Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba Hey Chicago Class it up with Crocs You know back to school is coming in fast So why wait to find your new Fave footwear Step into a local Crocs store And step into your new look Try it, style it Make it yours Because the right pair doesn't just show up It shows off First day fits, handled Walk out ready for whatever's next Visit your nearest Croc store today.

25:37Rosie Ramsey:at McDonald's for a limited time. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Really quick question for you. Yes. Take a second to think about it, like really, and you can only choose one item, alright? Is it quick, or am I going to have to take my time to think about it, because you're sending mixed signals here. And I've just realised I've got to crack on, because we need to get this out of the way, because I've got to go and move that slip and slide, which has been on the same bit of grass. We put the slip and slide on Friday. Right, it's now Monday. Why have you turned it into a really long conversation?

26:06Rosie Ramsey:Because you're pausing your thing, I'm telling you my thing. Listen. What's your favourite food? Like, what is your absolute favourite food? You can only... No, that's a meal. It can only be one item. Sorry. What's your favourite bit of food? Ingredient. I'll tell you mine. I'll tell you it. I know exactly what yours is. What? Potato. No, that's probably second. Right. Do you want to ask first? Tuna. No. Wait. I don't think you're going to get it. No. Fish. There's loads of them. Flour? you're a fucking moron. Do you want to know? Yes. Onions. Right. I love onions. I saw a video yesterday of somebody making, like caramelizing the onions because they're working like a burger place.

26:51Rosie Ramsey:And I did a can of Coke which was really upsetting. Did not like that bit. But they were caramelizing all these onions and I just thought I could eat, I could just eat a bowl of caramelized, I love onions. Right. And that's my favorite food. What's yours? Eat the do, sometimes repeat on us though. So it is like, It's not the best food, but I love them. Here's a question. Got to be quick. By the way, it's not quick. Here's my answer. By the way, I'm not sure. What's yours? It's because you said potato now, and I'm like, I do love potatoes. What's your favorite food? Just eat them. And guys at home, what's yours?

27:22Hey, welcome to Local Radio 97.3.994. What is your favorite food? Just the ingredient. Can't pick anything else, and you've got to eat it until you die. Text in now. Oh, I've got a text. Gary stuck on the A19 he says he says caster sugar oh he's got a sweet tooth oh nice one Gary right here's a new one by Drake

27:47Rosie Ramsey:you would not be playing Drake on this radio station no come on think cheese yes melted cheese okay and I'll tell you how I know just cheese in general because one time I'm sure I've mentioned this before but one time I was do you know how I have internal battles with myself you know It's just constant. You're much better at keeping them quiet, which I honestly, thank you. You're welcome. Because your internal battles when you used to, like, what's the word? Externalize them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God, that was horrible. So there's always a battle going on in me, no matter what it is. I'm always arguing with yourself about something.

28:20There's always hell on. Okay. It's hard to keep the weight off, just pure anxiety and feeling great. I know.

28:24Rosie Ramsey:You had two curries last week. I did. Two curries last week. There's a hell of a lot. And dare I say you look quite defined. What have you done? Two? Two curries? Two sitting in curries? Yeah, yeah. two sit-down curries. Bet you got poppadoms. Bet you got starters. Three poppadoms, pickle tray, didn't get starters, don't get starters anymore, tell you why, onion bargy, beautiful, but late at night with a couple of beers, repeats on us. Straight to mains, me and me mate. Not me, I love onions. Yeah, of course you do. Straight to mains, me and me mate, half a balty, half a budurras, bang, bang, half a rice, nanbred each, boom.

28:53Chris,

28:53Rosie Ramsey:didn't ask you for your order. Want a curry now. Go on there, what were you saying? Ask me to eat a curry. Yeah, what was I saying what was I saying I was saying something something about your cheese oh yeah yeah so I got an internal battle with myself so what it was was one night I think you were you might have been at your GNS or you might have been out and I was like right get myself a pizza at the night and then I was like no I was like no I shouldn't I shouldn't get a pizza I shouldn't get a takeaway pizza no I shouldn't you know be good blah blah blah and then I realised that all I was craving was melted cheese so I was like so I just did myself a cheese toast in the house and I was like oh my god I wasn't even asked about the pizza the melted cheese was the thing I wanted and I didn't realise until I thought I think I opened the fridge and I saw a patty cheese I was like I'll just melt some fucking cheese like I've never had fondue but I imagine it would be unreal you could do like a melted cheese pancake where you just literally melt the cheese in the pan and eat cheese you could even add a bit of tomato puree on top it would be bloody delicious what's happening?

29:44just the cheese with nothing on no bread no nothing just cheese you just heat a pan up you cover it in like a circle of cheese like you're doing a cheese pancake yeah and then you turn it over

29:57Rosie Ramsey:yeah it would fry like brown lush I've seen it before they do like pommes and crisps oh my god yeah you could oh my god Chris you could add ham in there you could do what you want just a cheese you could do like a cheese wrap I'm actually salivating I've actually just had to like there's like full water in my mouth now I could not think of anything worse no no you've got to eat it with us now you came up with it no that's amazing yeah yeah yeah yeah so I think cheese is my favourite ingredient of anything okay well I'm glad And you know what goes really well together? Cheese and onion. Well, well, well.

30:29Rosie Ramsey:Oh, voilà. Are we writing our vows for when we renew our vows? Is this going to be cheese and onion based? Yeah, let's. And we'll do cheese and onion sandwiches for lunch. And crisps. And I don't know. I'd rather have something. No, come on. Love you. We've shut our hands loads here. This is weird. Get off. Get off. You're hurting your fingers. You're just cracking finger. Right. That's abuse. And it's on camera. And you're talking about bike club. You're in deep shit you this week.

31:01Rosie Ramsey:Right, what's wrong? You've just checked your phone and you're angry. Just because we're up here recording. So at home, we've left the door, like the gate open so that the driver can deliver something. And if I don't get this before Disney, I'm going to have a really bad time. What is it? Chub rub. It's thigh chub rub.

31:24and i'll be upset if it doesn't come i i you could have given me a hundred guesses there and i would not have come up with that it's just you know what it is when was the last time

31:33Rosie Ramsey:we went somewhere i went somewhere and i walked and i had shorts on and um right so it's when you wear shorts yeah and listen i don't mind my legs at all like you know i've got lovely legs i love my legs it's just um my thighs touch at the top which is fine it's absolutely fine and there was this one time when it was a bit warm and i walked around for a while and the and i had to put plasters at the top of my thighs and i thought you know what it is i'm not don't want this to happen in disney so i bought some and i shouldn't really call it chub rub because that's what's not called that right i don't think i think that's just what you call it right and as a person who suffers from it i'm allowed right so it's just like i'm taking ownership of that it's a stick say look because if you see Right It's just this bit here just there Yeah That touches Okay Together When you're worn in shorts But it's mint You could borrow some If you like I am Top flight BGG blue belt How dare you So no But if it's missed it If it hasn't come I'll just have a terrible time Wait What is in it that you can't Can you not use butter?

32:47loads of butter in france you know fucking loads of butter they love their butter

32:50Rosie Ramsey:do you know what's the butter quasson yeah just put a quasson in between your legs i'll just listen i'll be fine sun cream will sun cream not work vaseline no i think all of these will make it worse talc i'll do talc i'll just buy some talc it's fine it might come i'm sure talc's just plastic you know just tiny bits of plastic what do you mean i'm sure talc is just plastic. Just tiny little bits of plastic. I don't know. Well. Have I made that up? I don't know fucking now. You know what it is? Actually, no one quotes on that. I'm sure I heard that in the Alan Partridge audio book and I can never work out whether he's telling the truth or not.

33:25Rosie Ramsey:I don't think it's true. Right, come on. It's time for What's Your Beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef. What was that? Just a baby. Like an ugly little bull. Or What's Your Beef and Onion? um another one of my favorites i'm gonna straighten with my beef actually yes because like this is something you always do you've done this for years it's no matter what the the food type is you do it and i've seen you do it and you've explained numerous times and i have agreed with you that i feel like the concept you are correct in the way you're doing this even though it's weird but we were both slightly hungover the other morning and you came straight down for your breakfast and heated up yesterday's shepherd's pie at uh quarter past nine in the morning and eat it and it stank and i i was really angry and i wanted to die okay right i've got i've got a massive issue with this and people like you who don't eat regular food at breakfast time right because i've said it before i'll say it again you would eat a sausage i wouldn't you would eat bacon i personally would not eat the sausage i would eat bacon you would eat bacon you eat eggs yeah you would eat like some people eat hash browns would you eat hash browns uh yes sorry apart from hash brown so far all the things you've listed are not in a shepherd's pie yeah I know but potatoes are in a shepherd's pie yeah that was the last one you listed mince yeah it's just a different kind of meat but that's a like sausage mince right no that's in it pork but no different beef people would have fried onions on their breakfast again I wouldn't do that basically I just think it's stupid that you wouldn't eat shepherd's pie so that's what I'm saying people have savoury breakfast yes of like a full English yes so I know what you mean stupid and I do get what you mean because you're like, well, look, it's just a meal.

35:05Like you should be, the time of day shouldn't dictate. But it was something, it's something about like, it's the stock cube in there. It's quite flavoursome. Honestly, give me a Sunday lunch

35:15Rosie Ramsey:when I'm hungover for my breakfast and I'll hoover it up. Yeah. Lush. I had two helpings. Yeah. It was gorgeous. Yeah. What? Surprised you got to buy a chob rub. Fuck out.

35:32Sorry. I'm sorry and I'm joking but that was an open fucking net that was an open net and I can't I can't be expected to from one second complaining that you've got to buy something like that and then turning around and saying I'll have two fucking English breakfasts I haven't closed my mouth

35:49Rosie Ramsey:since he said it yeah and there's another I'm joking this will all be unusual this will all be unusual no it's staying in because everyone needs to see the real you so that when I leave that's not the real me I'll do a montage and then when it comes to the annihilation of Chris Ramsey, I'll have it all and we'll montage it. And I mean, I've probably said some quite bad things anyway. No, just eat your dinner whenever you want to eat your dinner. I understand. Again, like I understand the concept. And when you explain it, it was when you go, why do you have to have a certain amount of thing just because it's morning?

36:22I go, do you know what? She's right. Yeah, you're just narrow-minded. No, then I'm standing slightly over having me coffee and I can smell shepherd's pie and I'm really upset by it. It was just early and I was just like eating some shepherd's pie.

36:36Rosie Ramsey:Oh, I thought you meant you wanted some as well. No. No. I wanted to throw it in the toilet but be also nowhere near it. And again, dare I say it, it wasn't just the shepherd's pie you were eating. It was the shepherd's pie that you'd left on the bench uncovered while you were eating it. That was just... It was just a bit early to have my senses attacked by a shepherd's pie. Again, this is why I hate being married. Yeah, there it is. Or just living with somebody. Anyone. Yeah. Yeah. I watched a video of a, it was on TikTok and it was a 28-year-old woman. I'm so proud of you for now saying I watched a video and not constantly saying I read it.

37:10No, don't read anything.

37:11Rosie Ramsey:I'd fucking never read anything. I watched a video of a 28-year-old woman and it was like my, like POV, my getting home after work video just looked absolutely delightful. Living on her own. Single. Yeah. Lives with no children. Just honestly. She was just like putting the telly on. She was making her dinner. She like, she was meal prepping and she closed her blinds and nobody was like shouting at her and just it was so quiet and it just looked lovely and then she sat on the settee and she ate her dinner and she had her blanket on her nobody talked to her oh god Chris I could have cried I actually could have cried yeah I mean Rosie when I've had a bad day with the kids when the kids have been all over sometimes I've watched something in the night and someone's been in a TV show or a film I'm watching someone's been in a prison cell and I've thought ew lucky yeah I know peace It's terrible, isn't it?

37:59Rosie Ramsey:Peace and quiet. It's terrible. What's your beef with me? So my beef with you. I can't imagine there is one because I'm just a delight. There is a lot of them. The more time you spend when there's over something like the summer holidays where the kids are around as well. I'm just a good guy to be around. I'm debating whether I do the really harsh one or whether I do the nice one. I would say go harsh. Do you think? I've got Disneyland to cheer us up tomorrow. Well, the first one was the Disneyland one because I tried to talk to you about Disney the other day. I just said to him can I just bend you here for a minute because obviously I've booked everything everything yeah flights hotel airport parking transfers meals restaurants yeah everything yeah you're amazing you're awesome and thank you no but fair enough but all I wanted to do was just sit there and talk to you for 10 minutes on the app and go through everything that we're going to be doing the itinerary and what did I tell you at the time and you told me I'm playing on Donkey Kong Bonanza on the Switch 2.

38:57Can you please leave us alone? And I think that is more than fair. I apologised afterwards. I came up and I said, look, and I wasn't even playing on that. It took me storming out.

39:08Rosie Ramsey:I left and didn't say bye. Yeah, and I was just like, you know what? And did you know what? I ignored your call as well because I thought you can fucking rotten hell shit brain. The call was actually about something important about the kids, but I was... I was with the kids? And I wanted to know what we were doing. I wanted to ask them a question about Donnie Cohen I know I said I was sorry I said I said look I'm really sorry you've booked all this stuff like you always do you've done all these things and I couldn't even sit for five minutes to listen to you because sometimes I was just I don't know why I'm with you this time wow so that wasn't me harsh beef I'm going to leave me harsh beef for next week really why because I feel like I'll just it'll make us cross if I bring it up again do you want to know No, no, come on.

39:52I think everyone listening does now. That's the only thing.

39:55Rosie Ramsey:You've started doing it again, right? Remember we had a conversation a while ago about when people are here, you get ballsy and you just get like, you get like, I don't know, you get full of yourself. Yeah. And you did it yesterday when your friends were here. Right. And you just get a bit like, just get a bit rude. Get a bit arrogant, get a bit rude. Get a bit sort of like trying to like snipe you at us and I just think, who is this? Right. Stop it. It's a cry for help. Is it? It's a cry for help. When people are like, yeah, you can't be as nasty as you normally are. So I just... Great. I'm joking.

40:29No, I was. I was a bit cheeky yesterday. I thought I was a bit full of myself. Wow, so you do know. I know when I'm doing it. Great. Mainly by the way you look at us when I say stuff. It is classic. You're showing off in front of your mates. It is. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

40:41Rosie Ramsey:But you know what? It's part and parcel of being married. I think it's just, this is life, isn't it? Is this it? Oh my God. This is it. Oh my God, have I worn you down? you're just accepting it hey we're getting there we're getting there fuck we're getting there oh no I haven't I'm just accepting it hey new normal

41:00Rosie Ramsey:oh my god I'm so tired I'm just yeah you can be rude to us when people are here it's fine because I'm just so tired plans coming together 15 year long plans coming together this is amazing oh this is amazing congratulations thank you the last handshake of the day let's leave it here Stop touching me, man. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bye. Hey, Chicago. Class it up with Crocs. You know back to school is coming in fast. So why wait to find your new fave footwear? Step into a local Crocs store and step into your new look. Try it. Style it. Make it yours. Because the right pair doesn't just show up.

41:39Rosie Ramsey:It shows off. First day fits, handled. Walk out ready for whatever's next. Visit your nearest Croc store today.

42:15at McDonald's for a limited time.

42:21It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public. As always, if you like and get in touch, it is shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com. Send us whatever the hell you like. And thank you so, so much to everyone who has ever sent anything. I just have to do one of these now and then because you really do make the podcast. You just give it that extra little kick. Shout out to everyone who listens and everyone who's ever sent something in because when we sat down to do this podcast in the first place, we were specifically told, and this is a direct quote, you can't rely on the public to give you content.

42:58And you lot have proved them wrong a million times over.

43:03Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, they have. Unbelievable. Were you mouthing along with me when I was saying that? I was, yeah, and I did quite well, actually. I didn't hear the saliva in your mouth. That was that. God, it was Sunday morning, shepherd's pie all over again. Good. God. What? It's just, I don't know. We're so different, aren't we? And I saw your little hair. Why? I've just had it. I had bangs. I've had bangs. Right. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Long time listener. Hi. Just a quick one. Heard you talking about the Victorian wash. Yes. It's where you just do your bits. Bits, bits, bits. Your pits and your bits. Pits and your bits.

43:38Rosie Ramsey:We call it a hose bath. Pits. No, I want to get this right. pits, slits and tits.

43:50Rosie Ramsey:A whore's bad. Everything about that is genius and vile. It's nice though, isn't it? Slits is disgusting. Pits is bad enough. Slits is... Randomly there, I said pits and bits. I thought that was quite clever and quite dirty. Pits, pits and slits. Pits, what? Pits, slits and tits. Pits, slits and tits. Because it's a whore's wash because it's the bits that... It's the money makers. isn't it pits well just because they yeah but they they spoil they spoil the whole pit wank

44:24hey if the punt has pain depends what he's after I've never done a pit wank and you never and you hey and you never will

44:34Rosie Ramsey:you know no listen it'll be like lighting a fucking match oh god

44:43Rosie Ramsey:awful do you know what I've always wanted to do is it a real thing what can you know when the cowboys in the film do a match on their stubble do you think people can actually do that I don't know you could try I can't I've got soft stubble me mate Angela bought us a posh box of matches right from our holiday in the lakes right if you want to use a couple women are really weird just gonna put that out put that out in the nicest possible way please don't clip that up and put it out of context but if my mate came back from a holiday I mean I was absolutely buzzing Ramsey you are it yeah yeah did you have a good holiday mate I did I yeah hey got you something oh did you what did you get it hey oh matches not just matches Ramsey posh matches posh alright thanks mate alright cheers erm you know I don't smoke well but you do like candles nah not really yeah I like listen I think it's women listen now and some men who are you know got taste a nice box of posh matches I think it's a really good present genuinely it's got like a picture of like a building in the lakes and it's like pink and green and it's really beautiful and the matches are white right wow nice it's very nice I'm buzzing with it I actually have to hide them though because we can't have matches around Robin anymore do you know what it is I am he's at the matchy matchy age I'm about to eat my own words because your mom once got me a bottle of matches.

46:10Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, with the bit on the bottom. I really liked them. It was like a message in a bottle bottle. You're such a hypocrite. And you did that and you took the match off and then the bit that you lit them on was on the bottom of the bottle. So do you know what it is? I tried to be clever for a second there and memory came back and wedged us. I know. And I apologize. What's the box? What is my mom's got? Sorry, the bottle of matches on my mom's shelf. What do they say? They say something. about how being a woman's mint, and I can't remember. Is your mum not just written that on in pen? No. Seems like something your mum would do.

46:44Was it like matches for snatchers? Matches, snatchers, and patches? Batches of matches for snatchers, I think is what it says.

46:53Rosie Ramsey:No, it's something... It does, aye. It's something like, you don't need a man when... It's just... When you've got a bottle of matches. You don't need a man to rub two sticks together when you go bottle matches on your mantel place that shit doesn't use because they're too posh. Love the pod. Long time listener. Thought I'd share a tale about our summer holiday after listening to the episode where you talked about your trip. Okay. Myself and my husband recently went to the west of Ireland and stopped in Westport looking for somewhere to eat. Okay. Yeah? Yeah, we're just really... I find English people, not on the whole, but, you know, as a rule, we're very ignorant about all the different places in Ireland or maybe it's just me.

47:41I literally know two places in Ireland and I'm like, it's fucking massive and beautiful and there's loads of places and I would really like it. Even them just saying that there, I was like, I bet you that was bloody lovely.

47:50Rosie Ramsey:I've never been to Ireland. I've never been. Why don't you come? I really want to go. Why don't you come on my tour? I don't want to come on your stupid tour. I've got a night off after you, fucking dick. Oh, wait. Oh, there it is. Oh, no, go on, take that call. In Dublin? No, take that call. Go on, take that call. You got a night off? I've got a night off. Ah, in between these. I've got Dublin, then I've got a night off, then I've got Manchester the night after. Gonna have a night in Dublin. Okay. Oh, I might come. Brilliant. Right? Right, guys, how offended should I be at the idea that coming while my gig was on, she wouldn't have it?

48:18Because then, what am I going to see?

48:19Rosie Ramsey:I'm not going to see the sights, am I? I'm just going to go and watch you. You're going to see. I want to go out for dinner, I want to get drunk. You'll take up a good, you'll take up three hours of me night. Tickets on sale now, by the way if you want three hours of your night taken up by Chris Ramsey in Dublin Vicar Street there's still a few tickets left chrisramseycomedy.com great so they're looking for something to eat in Westport which I'd love to go to we spotted mustn't have been any gigs on so they'll go and kill some time

48:47Rosie Ramsey:we spotted a pub across the road which had a large queue of people outside it weird we thought it was just a regular pub it never came up on a Google search or TripAdvisor and my husband, who's a knob about things and insists on looking at the review or rating of Everywhere We Go, I'm also a little bit like this, couldn't figure out why people were going there. It's pub, grub and takeaway place, he says. Not that highly rated either. Right. I point to the queue and say, well, it's doing something right if all these people are going. Yeah. And sometimes that's the thing, isn't it? When you see somewhere that's busy, you think, well, it must be nice.

49:23Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. Do you know what I mean? So that's what they've thought. The queue kept getting longer. So not wanting to miss out, we join the queue and it moves quite fast. I turn to him and say, I hope we're in the queue for the restaurant and not the takeaway. He shrugs unhelpfully and I decide to ask the people in front, Excuse me, are you queuing for the takeaway or the restaurant? They look at me in surprise and reply, Say it. We're actually queuing to say breeder and pay our respects. To say what? Breeder. What's breeder? It must be an Irish name. Right. There was a... Pay our respect. It was a funeral.

50:07Was it?

50:08Rosie Ramsey:I thought you were going to say they were queuing for the toilet. No. We had not seen the funeral home attached to the pub. Oh, but fuck me! And we were currently queuing for Breida's wake and to view the body. Oh, my God. I've never heard the name Breida. No. Yeah. it's actually quite unfortunate when you say it out loud loads of kids good Catholic embarrassed we hurried off heads down muttering sorry for your loss oh my god imagining what would have actually happened if we reached the top of the queue and faced with Brida's family and her body this is a lesson everybody just because it's a fucking queue doesn't mean you have to go in the queue oh I'll go and stand there yeah like right here's a question here's a question for you yeah rosie how would you have styled that out if you'd got to the front and you were literally thinking you were about to see you know uh you know some kind of street food or some kind of irish traditional thing going on that we're going to make and give to you in a fucking you know hat yeah what would you do if you got to the front and it was a dead body in the family standing there moan so i'm talking sorry i'm talking you didn't realize you're talking me and you are chatting away right i would skip along and you're turning you're right yeah i'll have a and you see a body in the family standing there okay so i like to think because i've been brought up catholic they talk about death all the time so i'm quite good with death like it's just to be in a big part of my childhood like it's just morbid right being catholic is pretty morbid so i think i would handle it better than you but I would still be very shocked.

51:51Rosie Ramsey:I'd still be very sort of like, what the actual fuck? Maybe I might have thought it was a themed restaurant. I don't think I'd have worked it out that it was a funeral. I would have thought it was, you know them shows where you kind of tell if it's a cake or not?

52:07I went straight in me. I went, definitely a cake. Fuck, sorry. Shit.

52:16I'm joking. I am joking.

52:17Rosie Ramsey:No, it's true. They do make really good ones. That's something. That would be quite fun. Maybe he's do that when I die. What? Eat stuff off us. No. Honestly, I wouldn't mind. Look, I love you to death. Little mini shepherd's pies all the way along me body. I think that's quite funny. I love you to death. Yeah. I love you to death. You're beautiful. You're gorgeous. Well, not by the sounds of this episode. Yeah, no. All I'm saying is for us to get away with doing that, you're going to have to die in the next few years. Otherwise, you're going to put everyone off the sushi. You look amazing now.

52:53I don't know why you keep doing this,

52:55Rosie Ramsey:because you're going to have... You look amazing now. Do you know you're going to wake up in the middle of the night tonight in cold sweats going, oh my God, I said really inappropriate things to Rosie on the podcast. And you're going to... Oh, you're not going to age, like? You're turning around here now telling me that you're not going to age. You're saying to me now that you are not going to get older. That's what you're... You're going to have. I think I'm going to grow old gracefully. And honestly, I think before you die, You do lose weight anyway, naturally.

53:29Well, you do. You immediately lose 21 grams.

53:35What do you mean? You don't know. I'm Catholic.

53:38Rosie Ramsey:I'm taught about death. You don't know about 21 grams. Oh, we didn't. Science never came into it. What's 21 grams? The reckoning is the weight of your soul. The reckoning, the minute you die, you lose 21 grams. apropos of nothing. You take your last breath and the body dies. 21 grams. Gone. Shut up. You didn't know about there's a movie called 21 Grams. Put it on your list. Is there? Put it on your list. Chris, I didn't know that. Yeah. Oh my God. That's what they think, yeah. So that's when your soul goes up to heaven. 21 grams. 21 grams. I've got 21 grams to go. I've got 21 grams to go. So if I want my soul and you want me to be soul I've got 21 grams to go.

54:11I've got to go.

54:11Rosie Ramsey:Did you see me on the video? Soul, soul. You see me go to heaven and I'm soul, soul. I got 21 grams of pounds what is it in pounds oh oh you got it hey no I need to know hang on sorry I'll be wondering I do believe it'll be ounces hang on I do believe it'll be ounces I don't even know ounces 21 grams how are you man you're from Shields man you should know what 21 grams is immediately you should know how much it is I don't how many bags it needs hang on one gram hang on so pounds no so 21 grams it'll be ounces oh it's football it's 0.04 pound yeah oh sorry you were expecting a drop of death size I was kidding

54:54Rosie Ramsey:thought I could have put my size 10s on that on the cover from 10 years ago oh god no it's like you know probably 500 grams equates to 1.1 pound oh it's a point no but I didn't know that that's really lovely and you as a science man the fact that you believe that 21 grams goes from you apparently it's a thing apparently it's a thing maybe it's just the air it's air I don't know it's air heavy there's probably nothing scientific behind it but it's a thing I love that that's made me feel that's really nice genuinely that is just crossing just crossing ourself and praying no because I struggle with my religion a lot yeah because I don't take it very seriously but you know what it is when I'm really down and when I need something it's fully blown there so I'm like a really selfish Catholic but I think the big man understands or woman I don't fucking know oh well good he's only taught one way but listen well here we go I'm praying to Mary Magdalene no she did a horse she did a horse wash definitely did a horse wash it's not blasphemy she literally was a prostitute don't email in about that high end oh you can oh proper high end you're kidding us man one client the original pretty woman were we talking about that recently where someone worked out that um in pretty woman richard gear absolutely fleeces her how because that wasn't me you were talking to someone well i was talking about this with someone recently i don't know who it was i didn't hear it on something or did i say it on instagram if i'm if i'm nicking someone's routine here or someone's jokes i apologize but i saw a thing i heard a thing i watched a thing that in pretty woman yes he works out how much like he says how much she is for the night or whatever then he's like how much what does he get her for a week or whatever if you work it out he he like he gets like a a bulk discount he like he rinses her so he takes whatever her thing was and he's like oh i'll pay you this for the week or this for the fortnight or whatever it is and it's so much below a day rate per day he like he has her trousers down he has her trousers down well because he's like getting a block book and any so she's probably you know she gets she gets her meals paid for Yeah, she gets some clothes.

57:09Rosie Ramsey:Why don't she get a bidium? Well, by the looks of it, she is getting a bidium. Yeah, yeah. A luxury hotel room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, baths. Yeah. The lot. Worse ways to make a living. She has a full bath as well, not just a horse wash. So, you know, got to have that water bill in there as well. No, but we can't glamorise prostitution because... That's film, does it? Well, yeah, it did actually. It really did. You think someone's listening to this going, well, you know what? Chris, I don't know what people think anymore. I was going to finish that degree. But they've just mentioned that. And they've just mentioned the quickest way to get a wash when I'm doing that.

57:42And they don't look like Richard Gere. And they don't look like...

57:45Rosie Ramsey:Maybe it's one in a million, but they're not all going to look like Richard Gere. Otherwise, I would have took it up myself. Here it is. Yeah. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Hello. I'll keep this person anonymous, so let's call her Susan. Okay. Myself and my partner were at Swingers Getaway. Jesus. Brackets, yes, they exist. That went... That went... Okay. Susan was not... I forget that you've not read these, sorry. You've not heard these at all yet. That was literally, I'm going to keep this person there. Susan, very proper, like, you know, Susan from the office, formal. By the way, this takes place at a swingers getaway where me and me partner were there.

58:19Rosie Ramsey:Swingers getaway in a hired out mansion full of fun and filth. And this really puts a scarper on my Airbnb business that I want to do. Oh, yeah, this is why I would never do that. Never rent a nice place. I still want to. People are going to fuck in it. It's always going to be the case. It's always going to be the case. Come on then. I really want to, guys. I want to do an Airbnb business because I genuinely really love interiors and I love, I don't know, but then I hear that people just go and shag at it and it makes us really sad. Because I'd be like, this is my house. There was a thing recently saying that Airbnb people, people doing Airbnbs were getting told off because they were having hidden cameras in the houses.

58:55Rosie Ramsey:Well, yeah, that's not good, is it? But if people are going to turn up and turn your fucking house into a porn set, what are you supposed to do? Yeah, but you can't have cameras there. How are you meant to shag in general? Like, what about people who are just couples who go... I'm not going to naively say that my Airbnb is never going to have people shagging in it. I don't want movies made there. You know what I mean? I suppose if you're going to do it and you've got a place where you think this might be... I'm assuming they could just go and make a porn in a travel lodge or a premiere inn or something like that.

59:29Sorry, Lenny, if you're listening. It's got to be a believable story. But yeah, like, yeah, if you're going to have a place that's going to be, look good on camera, and it's going to be, you know, a big white piano in the back while people are shagging, then I think you're just going to have to make peace with the fact that you take a deposit off them.

59:45Rosie Ramsey:Well, this is the thing, yeah. You know, have the made-a-pony yet? Maybe. Does it impact my life? Have they ruined it? Have they tidied up? Have they tidied up. Then it is what it is. Throws. Yeah, it is what it is. Yeah, well. You imagine, you know how like in films and stuff, everyone's always haunted. by an old Victorian ghost and stuff like that. Imagine a porn film being filmed in a mansion and they all die while they're filming it and then in the future the family who move in are haunted by the cast of a porn. And in the middle of the night you just hear just balls slapping off an undercarriage.

1:00:21Rosie Ramsey:Oh my god. Doing what they love. Still doing what they love. 21 grams later. when he had oh are they oh are they 21 grams all over our face right oh that was terrible you shouldn't have said that you're horrible right listen the swingers getaway awful um we got each to their own but awful each yeah each to their own you can't we've not lived life fully yet we might go on a swingers getaway one day doubt it it would have to be like a celebrity one that's a channel 5 show Celebrity Swingers Getaway. It would have to be because I wouldn't trust anyone with the story. If we ever did swinging, it would have to be with other people who are semi-famous.

1:01:08Rosie Ramsey:It would have to be. A podcast one. We'll do a whip round. We'll do a podcast one. That'd be great. Yeah, let's get... Other people who do the couple's podcasts. Let's get lucky. There's fucking millions of them now. Big house. I'd be a big house. Are you ready? Come on then, come on. We got chatting to a few couples and took our time interrogating integrating that was just what I was saying I was just what I was saying okay I imagine you would have to possibly speak to them a bit and like you know not get the ick by people and think do a click with them or whatever but I thought interrogating was a bit strong but they were saying integrating I never realised how close integrating and interrogating are wrote down so sorry right okay yeah we got chatting to a few couples and took our time integrating and we met this one couple.

1:01:56Don't go out of time. Waterboard had a couple of them. Car batteries to nipples. Got all the information out of them. She left.

1:02:04Rosie Ramsey:The female of which wished to have her fantasy fulfilled called I don't know if you're going to know what this I've never heard of this one. Leeching. Do you know about leeching? Does it involve actual leeches? No, it doesn't. I don't know what leaching is. You've never heard of it? Genuinely? I'm not. Right, okay. I'm already uncomfortable. Come on then. This is what Susan wanted to do at the getaway. How many things do we need to present? So leaching. This involves a male partner going for a piss, then placing his penis against her leg, releasing his foreskin, forming an airlock against her leg with his penis.

1:02:52That is so convoluted and so stupid. What's the way you got to deal with it?

1:02:58Rosie Ramsey:I don't know. Read it again. So this involves a male partner going for a piss. Yeah. Right? Is that a piss? Then placing his penis against her leg. So in my mind, he's just got his flaccid knob on her leg. Right. Now, I'm not a man with foreskin, so I don't understand. But what I can guess here, what I can guess is happening is... he's pointing at her leg so he's he's putting the penis on her leg and weeing and it's opening the foreskin and then when the wee stop the foreskin is staying open and stuck to her leg oh so he's not going to the toilet for a wee no he's weeing on her oh Jesus Christ sorry you think he went sorry you think he went for a wee before why would you write that down it involves him having a shepherd's pie and then arriving like stodge for the night ahead I thought he'd gone for a wee right so he's oh right okay so he's weeing on her So that's his penis there.

1:03:53Rosie Ramsey:This is the leg. Imagine he's pointing, for people listening, he's pointing his penis at our leg like a gun, right? Then he's had a wee. And it opens up for the wee. And then placing his penis, releasing his foreskin. And then when he's finished his wee, the foreskin creates a vacuum airlock onto our leg. And that's her, that's a fantasy. What a pointless and stupid thing to get excited by. and at what point is she like is it stuck is it stuck oh it's stuck yay awful would it create a hickey a hickey from knickies like a whole more cord no no I don't imagine it would not as much of suction yeah you could never do you can't leech oh well what's the point in living anymore you can never leech pathetic wow they gave that a name shite well apparently but I don't know why that's you I've just always wanted to do it I've never been able to do it.

1:04:50Rosie Ramsey:Oh, God. Swear down. If I touch a toilet flush in a service station and it's wet, and I think that's as strange as we, I'm so upset. And there's these people meeting up in mansions and weighing on each other's legs and getting their knobs. Honestly, honestly, I've said it before, and I'm going to say it again. Send the asteroid. Send it. Send it now. Make sure it hits that fucking mansion. and gets all the rest of it. But that mansion has to go first while they're pissing on each other. Have I become predictable? No, it's very upsetting. And as a woman with fantasies, that's disgusting. I'd want to cry.

1:05:36Rosie Ramsey:I'd want to cry. Can you imagine though, you go for the swingers thing and you sit down and go, I've got fancy words. Oh, we're just going to go there. We're just going to go sit over there for a bit. Because you're mental. But at what point does poking, licking, sucking, and fucking become not interesting with strangers anymore? At what point are you like, right, we've done all of that. You've done it too much. Now we're going to leech. These are people who've had too much fun. They've had too much fun. They've done it too many times. It's all become normal. And they need to look for that. Like drugs.

1:06:11You get your gateway drug. You get your first drug. You have a little marijuana cigarette. Next thing you know, you're leeching in bus stops for some smack. that's what

1:06:20Rosie Ramsey:it's like eating McDonald's every day it would become yeah the norm

1:06:28as always

1:06:29Rosie Ramsey:thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag Marinoid and I know we're prattling on a lot and I know it's I don't know what we've been doing for so long but I still love it I've had a really good laugh today yeah I think we need a bit of a laugh because I was very depressed last week look how much better I am yeah and it's the old menstrual cycle I know and I'm really sorry but thank you for coming back and thank you for listening every week and genuinely yeah we just really appreciate it we really do thank you so so much as always if you've got any questions anything you want to say anything you want to tell us at all it's ShadMarinoid at gmail.com and we'll be back in your ears and your eyes next week after we've been to the magical world of Disneyland Paris for exciting what's the theme I can't remember the theme can't do it we'll get sued can't do it we'll get sued you've just got to be careful down at Mickey's Garage down at Mickey's Garage we'll see that one bye Bye.

1:07:18Rosie Ramsey:Do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do. This episode is brought to you by Dee Dee's Discounts. Back to School Season is officially here, and Dee Dee's has everything on your list. I'm talking bold styles, cool kicks, backpacks, and even dorm room essentials. All the prices that won't hurt your wallet. So don't sleep on Dee Dee's. Whether you've got a second grader or a sophomore, Dee Dee's has your whole family covered. Find Aditi's discount store near you and go check it out today. Class is now in session. And the UPS store is here to help you ace arriving on campus. Our certified packing experts can pack everything you need, from desktops to decor.

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1:08:48Rosie Ramsey:Rated PG-13.