In short
Summer-holiday misery and family life annoyances on Shag Married Annoyed, including kids’ behaviour, holiday logistics, petty couple “beefs” (especially clothes), and “family fart police” rules. They also discuss plane-seat resentment, packing for short trips, and holiday “icks” from listeners.
Guests
No named guests appear in the transcript; it’s hosted by Rosie and her husband Chris (also referred to as “the Ramses”). Listener emails/voice notes are read, but not as guest speakers.
Guest backgrounds
Not applicable (no guests). The episode includes stories from listeners: a partner who wears a key on a cord around his neck at Airbnb check-ins; a bearded man studying bird food/fat-filled coconuts; and a husband using TENS/therapy massage devices.
Key claims
Summer holidays are too long and expensive; kids prevent adult conversations; packing time doesn’t justify shorter stays; people resent you on planes when a “spare” seat isn’t free; farts must be confined to the toilet.
Notable examples
Rafe shouting at every train station; locked bathroom door handle rattling like a horror film; dinner at 7pm because kids can’t stay up; Chris arriving late to restaurants; Rosie/Chris arguing over matching “three-colour rule” outfits; a husband eating Christmas pudding in 35°C heat.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOSummer Holiday Whinges
0:30 to 3:20
Discussion about the struggles and costs of summer holidays with kids.
“This is the love story of real hinge couple Carty and Rucker.”
Teachers and Holiday Stress
3:20 to 5:10
Conversation on how teachers experience the holiday stress and expenses with their own children.
“Like, oh God, I need to do some reading with Raith.”
Air Travel Anecdote
5:10 to 7:50
A humorous recount of experiences on a plane regarding seating expectations.
“So your mom's going it'll be free this we'll get the whole row.”
Home Conversations and Kids
8:10 to 9:40
Discussion about the challenges of having adult conversations amidst children's interruptions.
“We never do anything and nothing ever changes but I have massive anxiety about it.”
Train Journey with Kids
9:40 to 12:20
A humorous recount of a train journey where their child mistakenly thought they had returned to previous stations.
“I'm having like a bit of time to myself.”
Packing for Short Holidays
12:20 to 14:00
Debate about the practicality of packing for short trips versus longer vacations.
The Burden of Packing for Holidays
14:00 to 17:54
The hosts discuss their frustrations and feelings about packing for holidays, including the challenges of short trips.
“you're doing like two lots of packing rather than so it's like you're packing everything and getting everything ready twice.”
The Burden of Packing for Holidays
18:07 to 19:30
The hosts discuss their frustrations and feelings about packing for holidays, including the challenges of short trips.
“You are, this is, I will walk in the room and you are crying and I go, oh my God, what's happened?”
Family Dynamics and Farting
19:30 to 19:51
The hosts share humorous anecdotes about family life, particularly related to personal space and bodily functions.
“And you just stick it on when the kids are in and it's just a nice...”
Family Dynamics and Farting
20:43 to 28:00
The hosts share humorous anecdotes about family life, particularly related to personal space and bodily functions.
“Back to school season is officially here and Didi's has everything on your list.”
Show all 20 chapters
Uniform Confusion and Color Rules
28:00 to 30:26
The hosts discuss their matching outfits and the complexities of color coordination.
“Anyone watching this on YouTube now, you'll realise me and Rosie are wearing the same, exactly the same colour top.”
Public Questions Introduction
30:26 to 31:05
The hosts introduce a segment for questions from the audience.
“it's time for questions from the public From the public, from the public.”
Ick Moments and Relationship Humor
31:05 to 33:08
The hosts share funny stories about relationship turn-offs and quirks.
“If you want to send a voice note, it is 07-874-40-6650.”
Understanding Emotional Disconnects
33:08 to 34:26
The hosts delve into emotional dynamics in long-term relationships.
“And basically, it says like, you know how people say like, when you get married, your sex life declines.”
Awkward Key Moments on Holiday
34:26 to 36:25
A listener shares a humorous holiday story about a key mishap.
“It's very rabbit with a basket with a fucking pinafore on its head.”
Late Night Snack Confessions
37:41 to 40:14
The hosts discuss funny late-night eating habits after drinking.
“There's a great Italian restaurant 15 minutes away.”
Retail Experience Stories
40:14 to 42:01
A listener shares a humorous story about working in retail.
“His trip to the bathroom the next morning would have been horrendous That's why I always go for curry loads of my mates are like oh don't eat once I've had a drink like they're some kind of champion fucking drinkers.”
A Retail Encounter with a Golden Retriever
42:01 to 44:36
Learn about a humorous retail experience involving a golden retriever and a blind lady.
“So are you in Leeds on your last tour and seeing Chris in November too?”
Navigating Changing Relationships and Fitness
44:37 to 47:19
Explore the complexities of aging and changing dynamics in relationships related to fitness.
“Leave that person who depends fully on you.”
Navigating Changing Relationships and Fitness
48:10 to 48:28
Explore the complexities of aging and changing dynamics in relationships related to fitness.
“I didn't like what you said, Odin pauses, about the future.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Coming up on this week's episode of Shag Married Annoyed.
0:02Rosie Ramsey:The summer holidays have got us done in. Done in. Lots of moaning about kids this week. If you enjoy also slagging off your children and hearing us slag off children, then you're going to love this week's episode. This is the place for you. We'll whinge about holidays. We'll whinge more about going to London. We'll whinge about all kinds. Whinge, whinge, whinge. And we've got beefs, obviously. Yes. Clothes-related beefs. Ooh. And we've got voice notes. And we've also got emails from you, lovely lot. Enjoy. I want to date with Roars, Carty says. Roars? Rucker asks. This is the love story of real hinge couple Carty and Rucker.
0:39Written and read by me, Nicola Dynan. Listen to the free audiobook now.
0:48Rosie Ramsey:Late night bites with friends? Already hard to beat. That first too hot bite of fries you couldn't wait for, followed by ice cold Pepsi. Now that hits different. Suddenly, the energy kicks back in, the night goes longer, and the laughs don't stop. Because Pepsi brings out more flavour, more fun, and more of the moment. Food deserves Pepsi. Grab a Pepsi Zero Sugar today. Hello, you are listening and watching Shad Maridanoid with me, Rosie, and my husband, Chris. Hello. Hi, guys. Welcome back. Also known as the Ramses. Yes. Hope everyone's alright out there. Hope you're having a lovely little summer.
1:26How far are we in?
1:29Rosie Ramsey:How long have we got left? I think as this goes out, we've got about three weeks left. Two and a half weeks, three weeks, depending. Did I tell you I was in the car the other day? And I don't know why I was driving along with Robin and I just thought for a laugh I'll say this. And I just went, he back to school on Monday? You fucking should have heard him. Devastated. He was sitting back in the seat and he went, what? It was really funny. He was like the mom on Home Alone when she realised, she was, get him in! do you know what it is somebody in my group chat the other day a teacher might I add because all my friends are teachers so they're having the only problem is my friends are having a lovely time but they've all got little children so actually they're bit of a bustman holiday yeah every time they're off their kids are off they don't ever get a holiday without their children that's fair so you know but also 13 weeks 13 weeks a year a bit unnecessary whatever she just messaged out of nowhere Oh, it was like, the summer holidays are so expensive.
2:29Yeah. Like. Oh, madness. Wild. Absolutely crazy.
2:34Rosie Ramsey:Just constant money spent on your kids. Yeah. Just everything. Just obviously the one stuff and they're just there. And even just feeding them throughout the summer holidays. Yeah. But then, you know, you've got trampoline parks, you've got trips wherever. They're always on stomach and there's a gift shop and there's this and there's that. Even just like going to a park or something. Yeah. There's ice creams. There's lollies. Absolutely. You know, parking. Can we talk about parking? Oh, crazy. Just crazy. You've got to pay for everywhere now. I can't remember the last time I parked somewhere, I took the kids somewhere in the parking lot was free.
3:00Rosie Ramsey:It doesn't exist anymore. You've got to go to the supermarket for the day, kids. It's the only place where the parking's free. You've got to be done in three hours, though. You're fucking dead. It's just wild. And as well, I know we say this every single year, but they're just too long. There's no need to have six weeks off. It's a lot, like. I mean, and we're really lucky because we can actually have a lot of the holidays off, which actually I don't know if that's a good thing or not. Because we're self-employed. Because we're self-employed, we've decided to take quite a lot of the summer off but I'm also I'm desperate for a day away from them kids do you know what I mean am I a bit jealous of people going to work maybe I am yeah I saw I phone one of my mates and be like I'm just at work and I'm like oh yeah I've got to make this phone call brief because someone's shouting at us to play on the fucking switch with them it's all good but anyway I hope you're surviving yes hope you're enjoying it we always whinge about it but you know there it is and what was I going to say oh just before that your mum said the other day that they were too long because she said when you were a kid, you went back after the summer and you'd forgot how to do some math stuff, which I wasn't surprised by, I'll be honest with you.
3:59Rosie Ramsey:I mean, that might just be me. I don't think that's every time. But no, they do. Like, oh God, I need to do some reading with Raith. Put up in. He's learned how to read and write. Now I've just, well, he probably has forgot. There we go. Oh, well, we'll check in with that next episode. That's exciting. Great. What a cliffhanger. Has their five-year-old forgot how to read and write? Tune in next week. Fucking hell. Without further ado, it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is, and it's topical because it's summer, right? And it is the unbelievable levels of silent hate you receive when you appear basically out of nowhere on a plane to take up a seat that everyone else thought was going to be free.
4:45Rosie Ramsey:Oh, okay. Have you ever done it? I can't say I have. This is, no, I've never experienced it. So let me just explain it. So first, so when we'll come back from holiday the other week, well the other month actually your mum was on the holiday with her and me and Sandra were basically sitting on two seats and there was a spare seat next to her and you and Rafe and Robin were on the other bit so we would have essentially had the full row if that seat remained free and your mum was going it's free this seat there's still people getting on she was like it's free this and I'm going this is not how you this is not how this is not how you approach this I watched Spider-Man not the new Spider-Man but I watched the Spider-Man No Way Home I think the other day and MJ says always expect disappointment and you'll never be disappointed.
5:26Rosie Ramsey:That's true. That's very much my mantra. Yeah, that's true. Very much my mantra. So your mom's going it'll be free this we'll get the whole row. I went Sandra I went shut your fucking mouth right now. She's a jinx out of her. Direct quote, right? Yeah, sorry I was just going to I'll tell you later. No, go on. My mom loves to know the end of a film. Unbelievable. She's mental. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell us what happens before I watch it. Tell us what happens before and I'll go do you not want to know? She's like I don't really care. She will watch she will know exactly what happens in a film and will watch it fuck mental Jason Cook used to do a similar annoying thing to me don't tell you when he used to see he used to watch a film but he would skip through it what?
6:02yeah yeah so he would watch it he would go oh yeah I'll watch that it's alright and I would go I remember saying something like how do you have time to watch all these films he goes oh I'll just sort of skip through them he'd watch them on his laptop and he would skip through like bit bit bit
6:13Rosie Ramsey:like miss out on 10 minute chunks and that and then go and then have the audacity go that's not that good Of course it's not that fucking good. You weren't even enthralled. You didn't even watch it. Nah. Crazy. That's insane. So we're sitting on this rule, right? Yeah. So my thing is, right, if you ever, because I've done it before, I've got on the plane before and I've got onto, obviously traveling on my own for gigs and stuff, and I've got into a seat and I've sat next to people. And they devastated you all that thing. And you feel, they're like, you go, I remember thinking, what the fuck just happened?
6:43Like, why do these, has there been an argument? You can feel the vibe and then you go, ah they thought they were getting the full row and they fucking hate me and it's not my fault so me and your mum sat there because I just went back and realised I hadn't talked about it we sat there and just going it'll be free and I went no this is how you play this you imagine the worst person you can possibly imagine you imagine the most unkempt unhygienic body odour you just imagine the worst person and then you can never be disappointed with what happened and I had to apologise in the end because the seat was free and we did get the full row did you?
7:22yeah I moved across to you remember and Rob moved across with her we had the full row spare seat
7:26Rosie Ramsey:oh yeah we did actually alright fair enough but the levels you get I think I was doing Red and the Leeds Festival why do I always get stuck with the kids? they want Rafe wants to sit next to you they love you they want to sit next to you they want to spend time with you weird isn't it? it's very upsetting it's so upsetting I constantly get stuck with them kids I know but they love you all the time love that man that's nice I suppose I'll take that I will take that let alone a jingo jingo so this is the jingo jingo we hope you like the jingo jingo jingo hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Maridinoid hello very quiet today so we've done that thing again this was my beef a few weeks ago guys but you did it again today she's marched us around telling us what wall she's going to knock down what fucking different wallpaper shall we get a fucking room built in the garden to put stuff in and when there's no again it's the same reason I can't listen and I know this is my fault this is my downfall although you have exhausted yourself as well you are knackered we've talked I could do it all day long okay you're talking shit then I know it's my fault here but I can't listen to like you know phone-ins on radios where they're discussing a topic and there's no answer and then they go well I think this okay we've got another caller and he thinks that well you're both very angry about it okay good chat right this is what we're talking about next and I go whoa whoa whoa yeah is there no is there no conclusion oh no we're just going to argue the colour of shite for 20 minutes and then argue something else we're not arguing by the way no we're arguing we're discussing mum and dad aren't arguing we're not getting a divorce it's fine but when there's no answer when there's no right okay we'll do that I'll get it booked that never happens we talk around all of it I'm sure loads of people do this everybody does this And then we never do anything.
9:14We never do anything and nothing ever changes but I have massive anxiety about it.
9:19Rosie Ramsey:In my defence, this is the first time, whenever we do the podcast on podcast days, it's the first time we actually get to have a conversation. To be fair, that's right. Because it's the summer holidays obviously. Robin goes to bed later now. So once upon a time, we used to have one night but now Robin's up to half nine and then I'm not far behind him. Same. and we don't get a chance to talk and yes the kids don't let we talk it's crazy is everybody else like this or what because our children do not let us have a fucking conversation they know it's like they know they come over they're like they're just it's again it would be lovely to know if this is the same for everyone email in it's like they're like oh fuck you two well what do you think you're doing having a conversation yeah fuck you two and your fucking marriage that you need to work on if you're here and you're making noise then surely you can be doing something with us yeah it's mad isn't it so do you know how many times sometimes they'll be sitting watching the telly Sometimes I'll be sitting watching the telly and I'm just sitting down.
10:14I'm not doing anything. I'm having like a bit of time to myself. I'll just be sitting chilling. I think like, okay. And then I think, I'll get something done then. You know, I'll do something. And as soon as I stand up or the hearers in the room, sometimes if the hearers leave in a room, Dad, straight away. And I'm like, you fucking didn't need anything. I know. But you've remembered I'm here and you've thought, oh, the waiter's there. I've told you. She's got some breadsticks. He's just fucking there. Let's get some garlic bread.
10:38Rosie Ramsey:We are too available. Yeah. I've told you this for years but then you know you go online and you're not allowed to parent like the olden days anymore you've got to be attentive you've got to know exactly what's going on you want your children to be able to talk to you I actually fucking don't I want them to leave us the fuck alone but also trust us and talk to us oh god I've told you before man whenever I've whenever I've had to raise my voice to them kids if I go like you know take myself away and sit in a different room and the minute I go on Instagram it's like Instagram knows and it's like here's a they'll not be young for long sentimental dad post for you just because you've bollocked them.
11:14It's fresh off the back of bollocking them. It's like, they'll remember you. But I'm like, cheers. Thanks. Thanks, algorithm. Appreciate that.
11:20Rosie Ramsey:It's always that thing of like, you know when you've got a child who loves you, when they climb all over you, when they want to talk to you all the time and say, yeah, that's great, but also exhausting. The thing is though, you know, the kids are, you know, they are what they are. They're amazing. They're funny. They're very much us. That's the problem. But do you know something? Again, something I wrote down as it happened and I forgot to say it last time on the podcast. Right. You know when we went to London the other week and we're on the train? Can you remember what Rafe was doing on the train at every fucking station?
11:49Can you remember?
11:50Rosie Ramsey:Oh. Didn't he think we were back off? Yeah. So we leave the train station and he's sitting and he's got his headphones on. He's watching his little iPad for the journey, right? He's watching, I don't know, was he watching Muppet Babies or something? He's obsessed with Muppet Babies. He just watches Muppet Babies. And he's got the headphones on, so he has to shout, we'll fucking leave Newcastle and we'll pull into Dalek Station. And loud as anything, because he's got the headphones on. He goes, why we're back here? And I went, what? And he's like pointing, going, why we're back? Because obviously he's five.
12:18They all look the same. In his defense, they all look the same. They all took the same aesthetic. So he went, no, this is the next trip. And he went, all right. We're pulling New York. Why we're back here? Fucking every fucking station. Oh, God. Peter Brown. Why we're here? Oh, God. and everyone in the garage is going how fucking stupid
12:41Rosie Ramsey:is your kid yeah oh yeah brilliant that was funny oh god thick as mint so I've got I've got a phrase beef do you know when people say things we're beefing already with other people not with us this is not a beef with us this is a phrase beef I've got a five minute off and I might be completely in the wrong or some people might agree with us do you know what I hate I hate it you know so we often went on holiday for just five nights do you remember yeah yeah yeah because I don't know I was just sort of like I'd rather have a couple of I'd rather go on holiday twice in the year for five nights right does that make sense a couple of little little cluster a little cluster of holidays rather than one holiday yeah yeah but then I said that to somebody on the last holiday who we don't know some guy and he was like do you not just think it's pointless packing for only five days yeah no yes yeah that to me makes no fucking sense at all not at all you pack your bags for however long you go away for yeah how does it take you an extra day to pack for two more nights two more pairs of kegs in I know exactly what you mean I know the point when the person said that and I think what he means is people say it all the time yeah people say it all the time but I think what you're doing like two lots of packing rather than so it's like you're packing everything and getting everything ready twice.
14:08Not that the first time you do it for an extra two days, it's more rigmarole. It's the fact that you're packing everything and then going on holiday, then coming back and unpacking everything, doing all the washing, and then you've got to do it again in a couple of weeks. I think that's what they're saying.
14:20Rosie Ramsey:Fair enough. Okay, but I just think, for me, packing, I'm not a fan of packing, but it doesn't take that long. Yeah, we're professional packers. You know this week, you travel for work. Yeah, but also, it doesn't take that long. like you just you pack like outfits for the day outfits for the night it's the choice for me it kills me it fucking kills us I just think it's the stupidest phrase in the world like why well why after all that effort all that effort of packing your bag only staying for that long it's always like you feel like if they want to double down on that they'd be on like a game show like Bullseye or whatever back in the day or something and they'd go you've won four nights in Alicante I'm not going for four nights why bother packing for four nights stick that up your fucking arse Jim Bowen no chance honestly i would i'm even contemplating because i know that travel days are so long but i would you know for a day of guaranteed in the sun and the sun lounger i would go away for three days i would travel for a day i'd have my lovely night out and then i'd have my full day in the sun then i'd come back the next day to me that would be lush but people would be like oh why bother doing all that packing for one day in the sun because it's one day of lovely time in the sun that and you're just packing.
15:29Rosie Ramsey:Sometimes, we're very old fashioned. I know what you mean. Even young people are very old fashioned. Yeah. And they're like, well, you've done all that packing, stay for 16 nights. What the fuck? Why? Just because, because you've took an hour out of your life to pack your suitcase. I don't think I'll, I don't think I'll ever do a two week holiday again. I think seven nights. Honestly, cards on the table, I eat that much rubbish and I drink that much when I'm away. I can't shit by the, by the 10th day. Exactly. The gluttony of a holiday for a fortnight it's awful out of routine yeah no thank you I can't do it no I need me bed I need me my bats honestly on a 40 night holiday I'm telling you now I'd get gout same I'd get gout rules go out the window while I'm on my holidays yeah for two weeks I just start drinking at three o 'clock every afternoon it's not good it's not good I don't know if I'm right or wrong I think the idea of having a little couple of cluster holidays is nicer but then again it's probably cheaper to do you probably look at it right it will be Well, of course it will be, yeah.
16:27Go and do 14 metres. Because they know they're going to... It's probably cheaper. It's like a bulk buy, isn't it? And they know they're going to get you there, spend it at the bar.
16:34Rosie Ramsey:You're right. And then your flights, because you'd have to buy two sets of flights. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think you should check your fucking privilege and shut your mouth. And phone that man at your home and apology. Okay. In fact, can you leave? You're right, you're right, you're right. I'm wrong, but... But two... No, okay. Sorry, did you... No, no, no, wait. did you just say I'm right you're wrong no because okay it could be in any situation so I was just saying five nights and they were like well go for a week you've packed for five just go for a week okay and then people could say well you've packed for a week go for ten it's like well where does that stop where does it end you're up for 40 nights just live here my thing is this is what I'm trying to get across in this really long wind and I'm really sorry but the time that it takes to pack does not equate to three extra days I understand you've gone through all that effort of packing your bag why not stay for three extra nights?
17:26Rosie Ramsey:What, to recover from the trauma of the packing? I need a holiday from the packing. Yeah. I need three packing days. I'm right. It's stupid. I've just gone back on it. It's stupid. It's a stupid thing to say. Guys, we had the victory while it lasted. It was short-lived. I did enjoy it. I'll be honest with you. It went to me head. No, you're stupid. You're thick. You shouldn't have took me trousers off. I took me trousers off. If you weren't watching on YouTube when she said I was right, I took me trousers off and swung them around me. Are you ready? Next time we're on the train you're going to be going, why we're back yet?
17:50Rosie Ramsey:And I'll go, oh, he's stupid. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. This episode is sponsored by TV Licensing. A TV license covers you to watch over 400 TV channels and everything on BBC iPlayer. To find out more, go to tvl.co.uk forward slash pod. One of my favourite programmes ever is back for its 16th series. It's a real tearjerker. I know you're not as big a fan as I am. You are, this is, I will walk in the room and you are crying and I go, oh my God, what's happened? Have you had some terrible news? No, you're just watching. Long Lost Family. There it is. Born Without a Trace, ITV, BAFTA award-winning series.
18:28Rosie Ramsey:Of course. Hosted by Davina McCall and Nicky Campbell. It's just, I mean, you would have watched it. It's 16 series in, but it's just so emotional and it's just a fantastic program. I don't know how they host it. It would kill me. I think that every episode. Yeah. How do you do this job? They hold it together really, really well. And it's just beautifully, it's so well done. And yeah, that's back for the 16th series, if you fancy it. Now, I'll tell you what else is back. Something I used to watch all the time, and I'm buzzing that it's back this summer, Animal Park. Marking 25 years of Ben Fogel and Kate Humble at the heart of BBC's longest-running day...
19:07It's BBC's longest-running daytime favourite. Right. It's so... I just, like, don't get us wrong. I love your sort of Attenborough nature things and your really in-depth things. But Animal Park, it's almost like just a little cosy little, I don't know, like a little cosy little zoo. It's like the day-to-day running of the place. It's just a really good show for all the family on iPlayer to watch whenever. And you just stick it on when the kids are in and it's just a nice...
19:33Rosie Ramsey:Is it a bit of nostalgia as well? It's huge nostalgia for me. I love it. I mean, it's been running for 25 years. It's a heck of a show. And Longley, it's a fab place. Brilliant. Kids love anything like that with animals and stuff. So do I A TV license covers you to watch over 400 TV channels And everything on BBC iPlayer To find out more go to tvl.co.uk Forward slash pod Babadoo babadoo babadoo Should she say that about the kisses? Is that weird? She doesn't care, she presses send This is the love story of real hinge couple Daniel and Roisin Written and read by me, Rufy Thorpe Listen to the free audiobook now
20:15The perfect lunch combo. That first bite of your favorite sub, followed by ice-cold Pepsi. Add a couple of friends, and now that's next level. Suddenly, the laughs get louder, the stories keep flowing, and the food tastes better. Because Pepsi brings out more flavor, more fun, and more of the moment. Food deserves Pepsi. Grab a Pepsi Zero Sugar today. This episode is brought to you by Didi's Discounts. Back to school season is officially here and Didi's has everything on your list. I'm talking bold styles, cool kicks, backpacks and even dorm room essentials. All the prices that won't hurt your wallet.
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21:09so uh obviously i've said it's weird because i i do i am sometimes really needy and i don't like being on my own and i do you sometimes call it needy because i'll follow you around the house
Read the full transcript
21:17Rosie Ramsey:there's no way that the there's no way that our listeners think that you're needy right but and the kids as well sometimes you know if i get lonely i'll go over in the i'll go robin's room i'll be like what you're doing like but there are like i've spent a lot of my adult life like driving on my own being in train trains on my own you know and when i'm on two-hour I'm on my own quite a lot I'm in hotels on my own sometimes I get little pangs of like I'm not I don't get to spend as much time on me once you've got a family you've got kids you don't spend as much time on your own so what I've realized listen listen let's finish my point right I'm getting to something right and I don't mean be crude here right but what I've noticed so far in these summer holidays you're to blame for this as well I am I cannot fart anywhere in in peace whenever I'm someone always comes as soon as I think I'm safe here I'll sneak a fart out someone comes over to where I am and just goes and I'm like you weren't supposed to come over here this wasn't the kids like you keep every time I'm eating you fart and it's fucking disgusting go and eat somewhere else no you go and fart somewhere else I try but someone always follows us I'm telling you your fart is more portable than my fucking dinner.
22:31Rosie Ramsey:Like, go to the bathroom. That's my life now. I've got to go to the toilet to fart. Yes. What the hell's going, what kind of fucking fascist dictator shit am I living in here? You've got to go and fart just in the toilet. I'm getting you ready for when kids have got partners. That's when it's going, when our children have got boyfriends, girlfriends, whatever, there's going to come a point, oh my God, you see how I said boyfriends first? I'm so forward thinking. Wow, you're so forward. I'm so down with the gears. Like, you're going to have to fart everywhere else. I'm sick of it. Like, honestly, the other day I fart and you just came in.
23:11I don't know where I was, but then you just came in and you were like, oh, I need this. I came in and you had to fart.
23:16Rosie Ramsey:No, no, no, no, no. I'm going to stop you now. I'm going to stop you now. I wouldn't come in and be like, how dare you fart? Because it's your house. You always do it when you're having a chat with us or when I'm eating or drinking. you come in you talk to us and you just fart and I'm like fuck off I've blocked them ones out and I did Robin came in I could go on the roof to fart and the second I let it out someone would fucking put a ladder against the gutter and come up I'm just checking the air oh who's oh what's up I'm fucking sick of it I'm really selfish because me own farts I love yeah yeah anyone else's and actually I love the kids I could smell the kids farts all day Robin's farting like a bloke now I hear it I don't mind it it's still like nice it's like when they've got bad breath I'm kind of like That's lush.
23:59Rosie Ramsey:Awful. Weird. Yours. Another thing I've noticed as well, by the way. Feel physically sick. Children try to open doors that are locked like someone in a horror film. Like, so I was on the toilet this morning and, you know, we had, like, your mom was here, your auntie was here, Rafe's little cousin, Rafe and Robyn's little cousin were there. So I'll go for my shower and my shite and I'll lock the door. I don't normally lock. If it's just us in the house, I don't lock the door, but I lock the door when there's other people in just in case and like Rafe like the door the door handle I hear I'm running up the door and the door handle goes down once and I go Rafe I'm on the toilet and it just goes down again and again and the door's fucking shaking and I'm like to the point of where I'm like is that Rafe or is that a zombie trying to get in the room like back to shit like it could as I'm looking at the door handle it's flying up and down it's like the shot from a horror film somewhat like the killer is trying to get in one of them's mates the idea in the car we've got child locks on the car because we've still got Rafe I pulled up wherever we were going I was like right I'll get his out in a second lads and I just saw him trying to open the door and then and I went this child lock's on mate it's okay like but kids they're just like oh this is locked I'll just fucking rag it for 20 minutes live alone like I might you know I might go live in a cave I think you fucking should anyone if you've got a cave for sale that has to be in the middle of nowhere let us know email in I might go live in a cave it's time for Whatcha Beep Whatcha Beep What's your beef?
25:28I'm going to go pretty easy.
25:31Rosie Ramsey:Oh, shit. No, I just feel like we're both a bit up a height with the kids. It's been a long, we're only halfway through. It's been really long, but it's okay. But it's just intense. Yeah. And like, you do not take 10 minutes to get ready. You need to retrain your brain, and you just need to tell yourself that you take longer than you think to get ready. Right. Right? So I allocate 10 minutes and you think I only take 10 minutes. Right. Okay. It goes back to the holiday, actually. Because you were just Mr. Pisshead and Mr. Fun around the pool. And I booked dinner. Sorry. Thank you very much. I appreciate it.
26:08Thank you for noticing.
26:09Rosie Ramsey:I booked dinner for like 7 o 'clock. Oh, yeah. Hotest part of the day. It was great, yeah. Love that, by the way. Love going for dinner when it's blistering fucking hot. Well, okay. Then retrain your children because your children cannot stay up late and they'll be fucking starving. Fair enough. Who are these people? who are these people who can take the kids for dinner at 9 o 'clock we were going back to bed and people were taking their kids out for dinner I was like how's that possible everyone holidays differently but that's not we are working class north east people and we'll go for dinner at 7 o 'clock like that's that's when we eat sweating our fucking tits off I'm not changing it what shirt I know trousers in some of the restaurants because it's posh fucking soaking restaurants are dead crying nobody there where do you want to sit anywhere
26:57can you sit me inside the air con unit please oh it's broke great I know I can sit you outside where there's no breeze and direct sunlight wonderful
27:05Rosie Ramsey:I know I'm not changing we can't change that's the kids you take them any later they're just going to be absolute dicks they're going to be starving or you're going to feed them a snack around the pool and you're going to take them later and they're still not going to be hungry and they're not going to eat anything and then you're going to be and then you go back to the room and they go actually we're hungry now I'm starving yeah so But there's that three-day-old apple. They have that out of the fucking fruit bowl. There it is. You think you take 10 minutes, so you would just rock up every night.
27:29Rosie Ramsey:By the way, people, every night, Chris would rock up at like quarter to seven, and then we'd all have to leave to go to the restaurant without you. Yeah. And you'd just come rocking along like 10 minutes later, and I'd be like, come up earlier. To be fair, I started to think that it wasn't actually that hot. It was just my jog to the restaurant each night. Yeah? It was every night. It was every night. I know. Why did you do that? I think I don't take that long to get ready, but I've got a thing with colours. You fucking take ages. You take ages. It's colours. I'm so ill. Yeah. Anyone watching this on YouTube now, you'll realise me and Rosie are wearing the same, exactly the same colour top.
28:06Like, it looks like a fucking uniform. I quite like it.
28:09Rosie Ramsey:We should have a uniform. I wish we had. I'm sick. But I came to your little dressing area before doing the podcast, before I was going to get ready. I went, what are you wearing? And you held up a green and white dress. I know, I changed my mind. And for a laugh, I went, oh, we're wearing green and white. Ha, ha, ha, ha. And she went, don't you dare. And I went, I won't. And I went and picked a navy fucking t-shirt. This is me beef, actually. This is me beef. And I went and picked a navy fucking t-shirt. And I got ready, and I came out, and you were on the landing in a navy dress. Yeah. And I said, and you looked at me and went, you can't wear that, I'm wearing navy.
28:40And I said, whoa, you told me and showed me a green and white dress. I have picked this navy why have I picked this shall I tell you why I picked this you can't even this is what's wrong with me I couldn't change I am wearing you'll see if you're watching it on video I'm wearing shorts right cream coloured shorts they're actually mint green they're not mint green they're more don't say that because I'll have to go and change them I won't actually be able to finish this podcast they're like a creamy coloured maybe a slight tinge of green but you can't really tell but they have got if I move this hand they have got a logo what colour is that logo it's navy that colour of logo that you can't even see on the camera is navy blue.
29:18Right. Which means I had to wear a navy blue t-shirt with them even though you can't see it on the camera. Listen, do you ever want to have sex again?
29:29Rosie Ramsey:And I don't even mean just with me. I mean with anyone listening. So stop. Just stop. You're making yourself completely void of anybody. my soul here. Stop. Like, if I'd put a different top on, I can't wear a black T-shirt with these. It's a three-colour rule. Three colours? Where am I? Timmy Mallet? Mr. Tumble? Listen, how did you marry me, though? Because I don't follow that rule. Do you ever look at me leaving the house and go, what the fuck? Like, I wear whatever colour. Does it kill you? Sometimes it looks like, yeah. Sometimes it's just like a bounty castle. i love it you know the big ones in fairs where they've got like um loads of non-licensed dc and marvel pictures on and it's just yes that's me yeah i don't give a shit yeah it's a three color rule apparently but you wear stripes with checks with dots with carnage yeah absolute carnage it's time for questions from the public From the public, from the public.
30:36Public, public, public, public.
30:39Rosie Ramsey:And do you know what? The only thing that is different that I didn't do last night was have a half a bottle of wine. Right. So I feel like.
30:50Bad news when you wake up not drinking and feeling worse.
30:53Rosie Ramsey:Maybe I should have had a drink. But I've been buying them little bottles of Bijou. It's my new favourite wine. Little mini Bijou. Oh my God. Listen, if you want to get in touch with anything at all, it's shagmarryanoid at gmail.com. If you want to send a voice note, it is 07-874-40-6650. Daisy has gone on holiday. Hope you're having a lovely holiday, Daisy. And Jenny has sent us this, who's doing the edit this week. So I don't know what this is. Absolutely fine. Hi, guys. I've got an ick for you. I was just listening to your latest episode where the the girl had written in about her partner building a bird house for the pigeons and i wanted to let you know i've been with my partner a long time there's very little that he does that like turns me off but this is an ick that i cannot get over when i turn the corner in the aisles in b m or home bargains wherever we are and this manly man with a big bushy beard that I call my partner is stood with a basket in the crook of his elbow studying the bird food and the fat-filled coconuts as if he's going to lay on a five-star meal for the birds trying to decide what it is that he's going to buy to put honey on his bird table it gives me the biggest ick and it takes me a while to get over it so i try and avoid going to that aisle with him now i just thought i'd send that in because i thought it was quite funny fantastic thank you can i first of all look on what you're gonna say we're a nightmare we're not awful we're a nightmare lasses we are a nightmare like what do we want we want the nice guy we want the nice guy who loves birds and who's nice but when we see them do it we want outlander it's wild yeah i don't mean you're over by the way i mean like it's like it's just insane it's because you're so i think emotionally switched on more than men and so like emotionally intelligent more than men and it's like just slight little things can put you off the mood or whatever whereas men are just a little bit more like tiddler goes in whole do you know what i mean oh yeah well it's i've told you this before yeah there was um a video circulating and My friend mentioned it to us and I was like, I've seen this.
33:23Rosie Ramsey:And basically, it says like, you know how people say like, when you get married, your sex life declines. Or when you have children. Basically, when you've been in a relationship for a long time. You've seen more turn-offs than you have before. Because for women, if we've had an argument three days ago, I'm over it, but I'm not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. and actually but for a bloke no a bloke I think most blokes and most women as well I'm not just trying to put everyone in because I know everyone's different but from my experience we kind of hold it in and we're upset in a way like we're like I don't want to give you my body I don't to have sex as a woman you have to fully be in the moment and everything be great and you know but for a bloke I don't think you actually need that as much not as much yeah it's kind of like more you know so but we hold on to it and i think that's why it becomes less because you've got more stresses kids stress you out so much so you thought about the kids and then it's like how about and you go no yeah i think i think you've seen more turn-offs of each other yeah throughout the time do you know i mean it's not like sick of each other it's like you've seen more turn-offs yeah but can i just say um more than the bird feed uh it's the basket and the crook of the elbow for me got everyone out there right I don't want to go all you know manosphere here but men especially do not put the basket put it on the floor put it on the floor in front of you if you're looking at something but why shouldn't you put it in the croupy arm cause it's fucking weird I hate it I've done it before I've did it before I've put it in the croupy arm and the second I put it there I went oh no and I had to take it off I always put it on the floor the basket in the croupy arm it's very Jemima Puddle Duck oh yeah do you know what I mean it's very Peter Rabbit's you know that weird Do you mind my Potter looking actual carrot?
35:11I've just pulled out.
35:12Rosie Ramsey:It's Beatrix Potter. Yeah, it's very Beatrix Potter. It's very rabbit with a basket with a fucking pinafore on its head. You know what I mean? It's, yeah. I get it. She's making carrot cake for Peter. It's, yeah. Listen, speaking of how mental we are and what turns us off. Hi both. A wee anonymous holiday ick for you, right? Lovely. When we go away on holiday, we usually stay in an Airbnb. So have a key to look after. Mm-hmm. To keep it safe, my husband always puts it on a cord around his neck. Oh, God. Oh, God. I already hate that, but that's fine. I love it. It's because he's so scared of losing it.
35:50Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. Yeah. Unfortunately, when he goes to open the door, he does not remove the cord from around his neck, but instead just bends over to put the key in the lock, which makes him look like he's trying to kiss the door.
36:04Rosie Ramsey:That's worse than it. We've got the A, B and B. Right. Right, we've got the iPads for the kids. Right, good. We've got the walking boots. Right, brilliant. Yeah, we've got the sun parasol. Yeah, have you got the cord that you put the key on? I have got the cord that I put around my neck that I put the key on. So he must take a cord with him. Why can't she put it in her bag? Because she'll lose it. He's paranoid. This man, this man... Unless they're the same, I don't know, they might be a same-sex couple. They might be two blocks. There might be no handbags, yeah. Well, not even, well, a pocket.
36:34This is a guy, he's lost it. He's lost a key once. He's lost a key once, and it was either a nightmare and he was late for something, or he had to pay the deposit or buy a new key. And he is never going to do that again. So he puts it around that, like a fucking dog tag in a movie.
36:49Rosie Ramsey:If you had a key around your neck of the Airbnb, I'd want to die. That's not, in my opinion. It's the leaning in. It's vile. Leaning in and putting his cheek against the door. I love that. It's not okay. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. I want to date with Roars, Carty says. Roars? Rucka asks. This is the love story of real hinge couple Carti and Rucka, written and read by me, Nicola Dynan. Listen to the free audiobook now.
37:20The perfect lunch combo. That first bite of your favorite sub, followed by ice cold Pepsi. Add a couple of friends, and now that's next level. Suddenly, the laughs get louder, the stories keep flowing, and the food tastes better. Because Pepsi brings out more flavor, more fun, and more of the moment. Food deserves Pepsi. Grab a Pepsi Zero Sugar today.
37:45Introducing Meta Glasses.
37:47Rosie Ramsey:Hey, Meta. Any last-minute tables for two tonight? Sure. There's a great Italian restaurant 15 minutes away. Hey, Meta. Where's the nearest flower shop? Five minutes away. Straight down Broadway, past the bodega. Their lilies are trending on Instagram. Just saying. Hey Meta, am I forgetting anything else? How about setting a calendar reminder for next year? Meta glasses, available in more than 20 styles. Hey Chris and Rosie, hope you're all good. Just a quick email about my husband. So, whenever he goes out for drinks with his friends, he always comes home and gets the drinky munchies after the endless beers.
38:27Rosie Ramsey:Yes, yes. So sometimes he may order a takeaway, but more often than not, he scavenges through what we have in the house. So pasta, cereal, tins of beans. Once he ate a whole slab of smoked salmon. That's nice. That's very, very decadent after a load of beers. It is, isn't it? Taste is decadent, but also nothing to it. You want a bit of stodge. You've had a load of beers, you want a bit of stodge. It wouldn't be what I would be reaching for. Your toasts, your cereals, your pizzas. Yeah. Your crackers, your breadsticks. No, no one else does it. Just you. No, just you. Okay. Yeah, you know, your frozen lasagnas.
39:03Your pastas. Yeah. Your pot noodles. Yeah. Your pasta and sauce. Yes. Yeah.
39:09Rosie Ramsey:One morning, I came downstairs after his night out. And can I say this was during the first extremely hot heat wave that we had. Right. And I saw that he had hit an all-time low. Oh, God, what's he done? What's he had? He's been out all night. He's been on the piss. He's ate this and he's left the oven. It's a London heatwave. It's 35 degrees. Oh, God. He had opened, microwaved, and eaten a whole Christmas pudding.
39:41I'm impressed. I'm not even angry. It goes past ridiculous. Stodge. Oh, it's fucking stodge.
39:48Rosie Ramsey:Sue it, innit? God. I know. Sad times, isn't it? Oh, how pissed are you that you're eating a Christmas pudding in 30 degree heat? I like the idea that he lit it as well and did all this Merry Christmas Hey all the Queen turns me When I told him he obviously couldn't remember he just said well at least it's got fruit in it Fair So he's getting his five a day His trip to the bathroom the next morning would have been horrendous That's why I always go for curry loads of my mates are like oh don't eat once I've had a drink like they're some kind of champion fucking drinkers. But there's a small portion of us who always three or four pints in, I need food now and it's got to be a curry.
40:35Rosie Ramsey:Everyone is different because I'm going out for my birthday with the girls and I need to decide what order that we're doing everything in. But they were all chirping up the other day and they were like, well, if I eat, then I'm just tired and I can't. And I'm like, oh. Yeah, I know what you mean. Like. That's the thing. Once you've had the curry. How much are you eating? Yeah, but your night out's not continuing after curry. I remember when I was younger. Okay, right, okay. Well, maybe I am the minority because I could literally sit down, I could eat a full curry, give us half an hour, I'll be on the dance floor.
41:07Rosie Ramsey:Right, yeah. So when I was younger, when I was younger, maybe my mates did this. We went for a few beers and then went for a curry and it was like a Saturday night or something, you know, back in the day when South Shields was heaving and pumping and dusk, rest in peace, favourite nightclub ever, dusk was open and we're like, do you know what? We'll go to dusk. And I immediately regretted it. I basically stood in the corner of bourbon. I basically stood. I got one pint, couldn't drink it, stood in the corner of bourbon, had to leave. I was like, this is... Makes no odds to me. Yeah, I could fall over.
41:33Yeah, but I like, see, this is why I like, I start early, my night out. I start early, very early. We're talking three, four in the afternoon. Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink. Nine o 'clock, curry, bottle of water, bed. Perfect. I have a proofing, boom.
41:47Rosie Ramsey:I can't end a night. No, you can't. You don't know when to stop. I start early and I've got all them intentions. and I'm like, yeah, we'll meet at 3 o 'clock. And you're still coming at 4 in the morning. And then I still come in really late and I've just kept drinking and I'm ill. Drinking and talking. Horrible. We were on the beach drinking. Like, what the fuck? Yeah, horrible. Yeah. Horrible. I love it though. Hi, Chris and Rosie. You love the podcast. So are you in Leeds on your last tour and seeing Chris in November too? Oh, brilliant. Thank you. Yeah, my tour starts next month. How exciting.
42:13It does. Yeah, chrisompsycomedy.com for tickets. Still some left.
42:16Rosie Ramsey:Here's a little story for you from when I used to work in retail. No poo away. just good old-fashioned making a tip of myself. Don't want to hear it. Get it off the pot. I'm joking. Fantastic. Just good old-fashioned making a tip of myself whilst committing moral crimes. It's a bit long, but it's got layers, so it's worth it. Nice. I used to work in a shop in Le York. Sorry. Le York? I nearly said Lees. Le York. Le York. Welcome to Le York.
42:48Bon anniversaire. Will you be spending the whole day in le york or would you be getting the train to le harrogate
42:57Rosie Ramsey:okay le york le york dungeon okay right this street always used to have a lot of dog walkers and as a retail worker my joy day to day was petting customers dogs right so they worked on the street in le york and dogs would walk past great i was on greet at the front of the store in brackets i feel your pain rosie that always put me on greeting people at the door because You're a gobby fucker. Yeah. Yeah. And I saw a dog peeking his head, his little head around the door frame. A little golden retriever. Oh. Cute. He was looking right at me, so I decided that if I just kneel down and beckoned the dog, he'll get all excited and drag his owner over.
43:35Rosie Ramsey:So, I did exactly that. And sure enough, in runs this excitable golden retriever. He'd pulled away from his owner and ran right into my arms. He was jumping around and licking me, and it was everything I'd been hoping for. Brilliant. I love golden retrievers. However The sun soon set on my golden time When I pulled away from my dog cuddle And I realised that he had a little jacket on A neon yellow jacket Oh fuck off Oh no A guy down jacket Oh no To my absolute horror I looked out the door To see a crowd of people around A blind lady Who's now face down on the floor After being clotheslined by her Fuck off She didn't see the thing she only saw the head poking around the corner.
44:19She didn't see the jacket. I'd never fucking recover from that. I ran out with the dog
44:24Rosie Ramsey:as the lady was being pulled to her feet. She was fine, thank God. And she started laughing and said that her dog was a little tinker who just gets really excited. I couldn't bring myself to tell her I was an accomplice to the crime. Come on. Come on in. Leave that person who depends fully on you. I mean, terrible guide dog, by the way. Oh, it must still be. Must be new. Must be training. Must be new. This one reminded me of you. Me? Eee. Hi Chris and Rosie. I've been with my husband since school and we're both now 44. Hmm. I understand that we are both, let's say, not as young as we were and that we are changing as we age.
45:01Rosie Ramsey:My husband is very into exercise. Annoyingly he's in the shape of his life as I hit perimenopause. Oh God. Truly womanhood is a continuous gift. I want to be proud of him by taking care of himself and investing in his fitness. I mean, I am proud, but it's somewhat overshadowed by the massive ick I get for his newfound hobby. Using a TENS machine. Oh, is that the... Don't, don't you, don't you fucking dare. Is that the electric? Yes. Oh. Don't, don't you dare. Do they work? Yeah, I think so. Really? Yes, the little gadget that supposedly helps in labour, though it didn't for me, by twitching your muscles after a particularly heavy...
45:45Rosie Ramsey:I might not even finish this. Really? Because you're angry? You're going to be on Amazon buying a bloody... I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I don't like them. They hurt. I don't like them at all. They really hurt. After a particularly heavy exercise period, he pulled a muscle in his back and every morning for six weeks, he religiously stuck the sticky pads to the sore area and lay there heavy breathing while it got to work. I can't explain why it's such an ick, but it honestly gets me. The habit is less frequent now But some mornings I hear the familiar rustling And my heart sinks Heart sinks He's just trying to make his back better You bastard Today his latest new toy arrived One of those Thera gun massage things Got one Yeah I know you have And immediately he started using it I felt like I'll never be aroused again I really need to tell him to keep these activities to himself Again We can't win man I know You'd be devastated if he'd just let himself go he didn't care and he was just eating a load of shite I know does it ick you out when I've got like a red light mask on and that it doesn't bother us in the slightest it doesn't bother us okay you know you keep listen you keep polishing that turn
46:54Rosie Ramsey:if I come home next week and you've got one of them so my thing was so that's obviously helping him it's helping him heal I thought people put them on and thought they would give you a sick pack back in the day and that didn't they they thought yeah I don't think they do people would just not do any exercise at all and wear them I mean maybe so do yeah sit there eating a pizza some you can get them on your arse I know some women get them on their arse nah I hate them they're horrible freak me out I hate electric shocks and stuff like that I kind of bear it man well done you no don't get one I kind of bear it you're gonna get one I'm not I've already got one I'm wearing it now
47:35Rosie Ramsey:thank you as always for listening to Shag Round and Oid thank you so so much as always if you want to get in touch it's shagbaronod at gmail.com the number which I'm going to have to read off my phone as if you've not learned this yet I'm so busy man the kids are off I haven't had time to wipe my arse man and I can't somewhere to fart and everyone follows us it's a nightmare
47:5507874406650 if you'd like to send in a voice note and please like rate and subscribe and all that and if you're watching on YouTube be lucky to click subscribe as well thank you so much and we'll be back in New Year's next week
48:05Rosie Ramsey:bye bye
48:10I didn't like what you said, Odin pauses, about the future. This is the love story of real hinge couple Odin and Edward, written and read by me, Curtis Garner. Listen to the free audiobook now.
48:28This episode is brought to you by DeeDee's Discounts. Back to School season is officially here, and DeeDee's has everything on your list. I'm talking bold styles, cool kicks, backpacks, and even dorm room essentials. All the prices that won't hurt your wallet. So don't sleep on DeeDee's. Whether you've got a second grader or a sophomore, DeeDee's has your whole family covered. Find a DeeDee's discount store near you and go check it out today. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects.
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From the publisher
This week's episode is dedicated to every parent during these summer holidays - let the whinge out!
Chris and Rosie chat about their journey down to London with the kids, best (and possibly worst) post-night-out snacks, and about Chris's quest to find somewhere to fart in peace!
There's Beefs, a holiday-themed lucrative sponsor, with icks and QFTPs to boot!
If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch!
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