Heated Rivalry, a Balloon Fetish and a Self Inflicted Injury

20:59Rosie Ramsey:It's a musical, isn't it? It's just a musical. I personally thought it was mint, but you were just sitting eating your curry like, why can't I just see someone's fucking legs dancing around? Honestly, if I could have ate that curry blindfolded, I would have. She had a full fucking jacket on eating a curry. She was upset there's no end, and them outside. Do you want to upset me? Hey, listen, I was upset as well. It wasn't just you. There was a lass opposite way on one of their massive tables, and she'd obviously ordered everyone's food, and they didn't arrive for like 30 minutes and I just thought, that's clay cold.

21:30Rosie Ramsey:It is fucking clay cold. Yeah, well they were outside finishing their dance. Well it must have been. By the way, I can't get on board with spicy food. You don't like it, do you? I've tried. I've tried to get you on board with it and you're not a far away. Do you just want to hear a really sad story? Come on then. I had my first train poo. No, it's nothing to be clapped about. I've only had one in my life. It's nothing to be clapped about. I mentioned it on this podcast as well. I've only had one in my life. I was ill. and then and it's it stinks it stings on the way out doesn't it it's what's the fun man that's the fun is it it's a memory of last night it's remember me oh god I thought it was horrible I was literally like I've never had well I had that first time that we went we got the chemo power which is a bit yeah but then we got another few spicy stuff and I was I was like is that what they call ring sting that is what they call is that why they call it ring sting yes god I didn't enjoy it at all it wasn't it wasn't And yeah, I had to have a poo on the train.

22:24You build up the toughness of a time. I don't even feel a good thing anymore.

22:27Rosie Ramsey:I've never ever had to have a poo on the train. Ever. And I've been on the train. Loads. Yeah, it's bad times. Pooing on the train's bad. I had to time it properly. So I was like, right. I would die if someone went in after us. So I literally sat. I did it. I flushed it before I even wiped. Dropping, dropping, dropping flush. Just got rid of it straight away. And then I wiped. And then I washed my hands three times. So I thought the soap and the air took fucking ages. and then thank God nobody went in after us. Yeah. It's bad. The public toilet's a bad, train toilet's the worst. It is, it's horrible.

23:02Rosie Ramsey:But never again. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba! Just really quickly, as we were talking about Dishoom, we Googled Dishoom to see what it is. It is an Indian restaurant. But one of the first things on Google, which I always find these are insane, people also ask, why is Dishoom so popular? Like, because it's... because obviously because it's nice like what why is it so popular topless waitresses like what the fuck do the people think it's gonna say yeah I just find the internet insane why is Tashum so popular though why yeah do the fucking maths it's obviously nice it's obviously nice and people keep going back because they're good at what they do yeah it's funny though because you sometimes have to queue outside Tashum and when people are walking past and they don't know what it is and they say you queue they're so pissed off it is mad they just glare at you they're like look at you queuing for whatever the fuck that is it's like us walking around disney well yeah but not not even just disney it's like it's the same face but but then again we we are fucking hypocrites though because we did it we were walking around soho and every five minutes in soho in london there's a pop-up for something and fucking people get getting their stuff and stand outside taking photos with it and we were like hey god look at them yeah mine though they're not daft because i went round um you know i had my little day in london without you and there was no cues and I genuinely was like should I go and say what the fuss is about but I didn't they know what they're doing know what they're doing babadoo babadoo babadoo so listen brand new one for me the other day yeah so I've often thought so you know when you're eating and you bite the inside of your mouth oh I find it to be like such a like basic route one pathetic way to hurt yourself I just find it to be so like well careful when you're eating because you might eat a bit of you.

24:48I just find it so fucking... One, you're such a...

24:52Rosie Ramsey:You can drive a car, but you can't chew. You're such a greedy fucking prick that you've just viciously and erratically eaten whatever this is so much that you've literally bit off a bit of yourself, you fucking animal. Yeah, I do as well. No judgment. I do it all the time. Well, yes, judgment. And I judge myself. I'm like, you fucking loser. You're literally eating yourself because you're so uncontrollably hungry at eating this thing. I did a worse one the other day. Oh God, what? I was in the shower in a hotel, in the hotel in Dublin, right? I washed my face so vigorously. The little finger on my right hand went so far up my nose.

25:34The fucking blood that came out.

25:36Rosie Ramsey:Stop, you threw blood. It was literally, I was going, washing my face, right? It really is like a fucking, like if a dog could wash its face this is what i was doing like like like so frantic i don't know just trying to do it right and then it went up it went so far i had soap all over my eyes and i went ah and i just put my hand down i leaned forward and i put my hand on the wall of the shower still my eyes closed and i stood there going just reeling from the pain just reeling and i was like water was going down my face and i was just like oh god so then i quickly washed the soap on my eyes and i looked down and the entire floor of the shower was red with blood it was pissing of blood this is not relatable at all you know it's not that's i'm saying i'm i'm nobody else does that no i'm really i'm not trying to i'm not trying to fashion this is a bit of observational comedy you know when you frantically wash your face so hard that you literally almost put your finger through your fucking brain like i'm very aware i'm possibly the only person on the planet who's ever done this and i'm mortified and ashamed you need you need your diagnosis because right okay you what you wash your face the frantic the better right ridiculous watching you brush your teeth is horrible you can't wait for the full two minutes to save your life and you're in with an electric toothbrush you're not really meant to like you just fully still brush your teeth right your gums you're meant to let it just touch it you're just meant to let it go around on its own to do it and you never do it for the full two minutes which I find really upsetting your boots as well you can't you can't wear a certain pair of boots because it takes longer than 30 seconds to do the lasers do you know what I wore them for a flight I wore them for the flight to Dublin and I had to take them off and as I was taking them off I said why have I done this but you know what it is we're not that dissimilar because what did I say to you I sometimes really struggle to cut up an apple you can't cup of an apple because it takes too long sometimes like and you know the grapes for the kids i've actually bought one of them cutters off amazon and i let rave do it himself because it was just driving us insane they're like i got that out the dishwasher the idea i could not work out for the life of what that was and then you you close it oh my mom ruined it though right because rave was sat on the uh the island doing it and my mom was next to him she went oh god his fingers and I was like, oh, why are you fucking, this is to create the job from me.

28:03Rosie Ramsey:Why are you going to ruin stuff? There's a quarter of the grapes. It quarters them. Fucking hell. Yeah, it's from Amazon. I didn't realise grapes are so, you've got to, honestly, cutting them in half's not enough, quarters probably not enough. Is it not worth just giving them some wine? Do you know, Robin, do you know sometimes? Completely just, completely ignored that. Well, because it wasn't that funny. Robin sometimes, to wind me up, will take grapes out of the fridge and run around eating them whole. did you know this so I'm running after him going please don't he's such a dick that's Robin Robin is the kid who will seriously injure himself while pretending to do something that will seriously injure himself you're not the child to do this you're not funny you will literally choke to death from a joke because you think that you're winding us up he is very much hovering his finger over the self-destruct button don't we I'm not going to press it trip self-destruct button one more observation from our eldest child when the alarm goes I set an alarm every day we're usually up and I'm like right everybody up is a joke I've started you can put a little note next to your alarms to say what they are and my one in the morning says morning gorge with two kisses right on myself I'm saying just it's nice to be nice to yourself right so it says morning gorge to myself and I'm like oh morning mine says get up you fucking failure well there you go whatever motivates you I'm like I'll prove you wrong Yeah, genuinely, Robin is like, who's George?

29:33Rosie Ramsey:I was like, it's his gorge. He's like, who's George? Morning, George. What are you talking about? Fantastic. So if he thinks that I'm having an affair with someone called George, then you know why. Or is this just how you're clearing it up? Is this you are covering your back here? I don't think anyone our age is called George anymore, is there? So it's a sugar daddy. Oh. Oh. If I was in a different position in life, I would absolutely let pervy old men pay for everything. And that's just something I wanted to say publicly. If you're a pervy old man, you want to pay for everything, shout out my note to gmail.com.

30:10I will also accept you. Why wouldn't you? How pervy are you? Honestly. Yeah.

30:17Rosie Ramsey:You don't have to meet them. You don't have to ever do anything. You're just like sending women things. It's insane. I can't understand. Just millionaires and billionaires with too much money who want to like... I don't think they're millionaires and billionaires. Oh yeah, usually they are. Surely. Yeah. They'll just have an allowance of what they spend to mares all over the world. Sexy mares. I don't even think they'll have to see your face. Some of them will just send it. You don't have to do anything. I can't. I just... I can't get on board with that. I've watched documentaries about it. Oh, for fuck's sake.

30:46Rosie Ramsey:Alright. So, Rosie, we are big fans of like Marvel and stuff like that. I found a thing on Instagram yesterday. Just a random thing that got shown to us. I don't know what I've been liking. And it's choose a useless superpower. Oh. And it gives you a choice between a few. At first, they seem great, but then you think, actually, no, that would be a really fucking pointless power. Right. In reality. Okay. So you've got to choose one. Okay? Yeah. So I've got them all coming to you now. Are you ready? First choice. Endless stamina. You never get tired from physical activity. Oh. Oh. Oh, that would be nice.

31:26Yeah, so what you've just done, that noise is the perfect example of the rollercoaster that you go on. When you hear this and you go, that'd be amazing. Then you go, oh, hold on. I'm not Catholic America.

31:35Rosie Ramsey:I like being tired sometimes. So it's like to put them into a real life. Obviously, if you're a fucking, if you're James Bond, this will be brilliant, but you're not, you're you. Yeah. Right? So Endless Staminer's the first one. Okay, how do you know I'm not James Bond? Anyway. Fair point. Perfect lie detection. You instantly know whenever someone lies to you. No. Wouldn't like that? Nah. Nah. I don't like, what's the word? Ignorance is bliss. Sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I don't like liars at all, but I don't want to know every time someone lies to us. Right. To just know immediately. I don't want to know people's thoughts or anything.

32:10Rosie Ramsey:No, no, it's not thoughts. It's just if someone says to you, oh, I can't come to that thing, I can't get childcare, you know they're full of shit, they can't get childcare, they just don't want to come with you. I know, but then, oh, I love that, I love that gig. Hated it. No, I don't want to know. Okay. Fair, fair. Absolute balance. You can stand, walk, or move on any surface without ever losing balance. Right, that I would love. Right. That I would love. We've got a winner. That would be good. Because you are a clumsy fucker. Rafe needs this as well. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to break my face at Pilates.

32:39Yeah. Do you know that?

32:40Rosie Ramsey:I'm genuinely going to break my face. You're going to, yeah. You had a PT before years ago and you broke your ankle. Yeah, yeah. Temperature immunity. This is the one you need. Temperature immunity. you are completely unaffected by heat or cold. Oh. You are the perfect temperature you want to be all the time. No. You're never too cold, you're never too hot. I know, but then how would you get cosy? You wouldn't enjoy a bath? No, because you'd be immune to heat, you just wouldn't enjoy anything. I like the difference in temperature. So you could put 20 fucking dures on you and you don't get any hotter, you're just happy.

33:12Rosie Ramsey:No, I like to walk into a room and go, oh, it's warm in here. Right, okay. Or walk in the air conditioning when it's hot and go, oh, it's cool. I thought that would have been a fucking slam dunk. Nah, balance. all day long. Total darkness vision. You can see perfectly even in complete darkness. That would be nice. Nice but pointless. Yeah, extremely pointless. When do you even need that to turn the fucking light on? Yeah, no, that's what torches on phones are for. Right.

33:38Perfect. This is the one I would pick.

33:40Rosie Ramsey:Right. Perfect aim. Anything you throw will always land exactly where you intended. That would be lush. That would be lush. That's the one I would pick. Oh, imagine. Yeah, that would be nice. I'm good with that pick. No, I'm still going balanced, but that would also be nice. But also, it could be fucking lethal. Do you know what I mean? You know them scrotes in London who steal mobile phones and that? Steal mobile phones and their head off on a bike. You literally just go, all right, just pick up anything. Hight at them. Hit them straight on the back of the head, knock them off their bike immediately.

34:07Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. But they are all really pointless. But the amount of people who are getting their phones, Nick. It's ridiculous. I know so many people. It's absolutely ridiculous. And I'll solve it when I've got my perfect name. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? Now, you don't have a beef this week. I don't, you know. Because I haven't been here. You haven't been here. I might have one backdated, but it wouldn't be authentic. Right, okay. So genuinely, I think we just need to be around each other. I'm actually, dare I say it, happy I'm married when you're not here.

34:43What? When I'm not here, you're happy I'm married.

34:46Rosie Ramsey:Like I've said before, I think modern day marriage is a crock of shit. we know we know it is and i think i think and i hope that when i hope people are brave enough that as we progress in life that people can actually be like you know what though i think we might need a bit of time apart and like you snow every single night and i never get any sleep and i and i hate you how about you know if you've had a drink when you snow that's usually when you snow how about we just have separate beds right yeah like i just don't understand how i just think we need to modernize marriage okay and you think the twin beds is the answer to that separate rooms oh separate rooms okay if if possible yeah good uh i do have a beef great but i i love you so much and i think you know i'm away doing the tour and you're amazing you're very brave but I am a brave little boy but you I've started to notice this more and more you get excited to have like a little glass of wine or something or a couple of drinks or whatever and immediately the next morning like straight away you're shit well the midnight and you're shit all over you're like oh oh I wish I hadn't done that oh god and you're not even ill you're not hanging you're just like oh I wish I hadn't done that and we had a great time but no last night you took it to another level.

36:09You had two tiny glasses of wine when we were sitting watching the telly last night and after the second one you went, oh God, oh, I shouldn't have had that. Either quit drinking or man the fuck up.

36:20Rosie Ramsey:I will never quit drinking. Well, man the fuck up. Stop having a couple of drinks and then shitting all over it. After this, put in your little Google search bar, right, or ask Siri, perimenopause and alcohol consumption. Oh God. You went there. Yeah. It really affects, it affects you so much more the older that you get okay alcohol consumption okay so swivel on that so you're going to quit drinking no oh so the only option left is man up man up wow babadoo babadoo babadoo feeding the fam isn't easy but we got you with Denny's Slam and Meal Deals starting at$5.99 full meals for everyone like a Grand Slam Burrito for Grandpa and a Super Slam for Super Mom get to Denny's now ballot at participating locations for dine-in or denny's.com limited time offer Additional restrictions may apply at some locations.

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38:34Rosie Ramsey:botoxchronicmigraine.com or call 1-800-44-BOTOX to learn more it's time for questions from the public as always if you'd like to get in touch it's shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com and if you'd like to send a voice note to the whatsapp it is 07874406650 we'll start off with the voice don't I? Yeah. Right here we go. Hi Chris, hi Rosie, this is a reverse ik from France and my reverse ik is when my husband works out with our son as a free weight. By that I mean last night my husband couldn't go to the gym, he's been going to the gym to get fit and he couldn't go to the gym so he started doing a bit of exercises at home whilst I was looking after our son, he was crawling around and then he ended up just picking up our son, using him as a free weight, doing his crunches and his squats and his kind of abs exercises with our 10 kilogram baby wiggling around and laughing to the heavens.

39:34It was great. Found it really adorable.

39:37Rosie Ramsey:And he got lucky later that night. Hey! We are so easily pleased. This is what men don't understand. Yeah. Genuinely, we don't need a lot. Play with the kids and you get sex. Yeah. Like. I played tag with Rafe in our house for 20 minutes last night and I didn't get so much of a sniff. and he'd had two wines I'm too one

40:03Rosie Ramsey:alright fair enough I like that I knew straight away so I do that sometimes with Faith I've done that now and then I've used him as like a little weight thing he's more than 10 kilos but you know obviously I'm an athlete the gays have been getting in on the reverse x right okay hi Rosie and Chris just watching the latest episode where he talked about strange turn-ons rather than x I am a man albeit a gay one so might not count when Chris was saying all men will have shit turn-ons. All right, okay. But a couple of my many weird turn-ons are seeing a man reading a book and also nice hands. Right, seeing a man reading a book.

40:39Rosie Ramsey:Mm-hmm, that's what does it for him. Wow. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, and nice hands. Nice hands. I can get on board with nice hands. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it depends what you want, doesn't it? Because maybe you would want like a callous, like rough hands and... Again, I don't want to speak for all men here, but I don't think seeing a woman reading a book would be a major turn on for men but I believe it would be one for it could be one for women so I get I get where he's coming from here because he's attracted to men yeah yeah yeah and by the way am I a gay man because I've started watching Heated Rivalry and my vagina was pulsing during one of the sex scenes

41:20fucking hell that was so now I think I think I'm a gay man. Right. I just want to highlight one part of that statement that proves that you're probably not a gay man. It was the part where your vagina was pulsing.

41:36Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, okay. Well, there's a lot. Like, nowadays, you can be anything you want. Yeah. There's a lot of things. Yeah, yeah. Anyone can be anything. So maybe... But all I'm saying is... I am a gay man. I know I'm joking. Take it back to the previous statement. You have no idea. No, yeah. They are... What is he in rivalry? What is this? So it's about two ice hockey players and they're on rival teams and they're like having... How is it heated when they're on ice? Well, I'm only on like the second episode. Why is it called heated if they're on rival teams but it's ice hockey? Sure, it's icy rivals.

42:09Because in the bedroom,

42:11Rosie Ramsey:they're rumpy-pumpy. They're shagging each other. They're rumpy-pumpy but they're on... They're shagging each other but nobody knows. Okay. It's like a secret. What level is this? Are we talking like Sunday League or are they like big... Are they on telly and that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. it's like Olympics they're at the Olympics oh right okay fucking hell so it's pretty intense but they're like having well they're not having an affair because they haven't got partners you don't think of Mighty Ducks is this not Mighty Ducks it is because I haven't seen Mighty Ducks but it sounds very similar to Mighty Ducks it is a PG-13 Mighty Fox Mighty Fox it's Mighty Fox no but it's like the sex scenes are really intense but yeah alright heated rivalry now both with to be known as Mighty Fox I've never watched gay man porn.

42:53Yeah.

42:54Rosie Ramsey:But honestly. I've never seen gay man porn. I don't think I would enjoy it, I'll be honest with you. But good for them. It was hot. I think it's great. Like genuinely, I think if, you know, because I've got a lot of gay friends and when they were growing up, there was nothing on telly. Absolutely nothing on telly. Queer as Folk was like the first mainstream one and everyone was like, what the hell? Queer as Folk was great, but it was a bit seedy. Was it? Yeah, I mean, it was great. I loved it, but it was a bit seedy. it was like underworld like gay do you know what I mean this is like passionate and romantic and like nice and it's like a relationship and I just think like finally and why can't they have hot sex scenes there's hot sex scenes and everything else of straight people you know and the thing is if you don't like that kind of thing or you're offended by it don't fucking watch it there's a very big world out there you can watch whatever you want but I just personally think it's like if you're a staunch homophobe but you really like ice hockey you've got a difficult decision to make it's gonna be a tough I mean the ice hockey is also they're also very good at it and there's quite a lot of it are they better at the shagging or the ice hockey the shagging right okay to the point where I'm like are they actually having sex go pro at that go pro at the shagging leave the ice hockey behind go pro at the shagging lads go on yeah my mate's so obsessed with it he started reading the books oh the books as well like he enjoyed it so much he's like yeah it's from the books he's like I've been doing the opposite he's just gone gone kind of Hi guys I haven't heard you talk about this topic on the show before My partner and I Get turned on When the other plays with Or sits on balloons We have a lunar fetish Discuss as you will Oh we will What?

44:41Rosie Ramsey:So Balloon fetish It's called a lunar fetish It's called lunar Lunar means moon How spelled how? this is L-O-O-N-A you're talking L-U-N-A which I actually knew isn't that amazing what did you say L-U-N-A yeah oh my god I don't even want to say it because some of the teachers listen and I'll just be mortified I was joking that was a joke I can spell in big letters I'm not going to just because I don't want to show off we went in a rave school the other day and they did like a little activity in the hall and the parents were there it was really sweet and they'd wrote loads of like things on the wall like all of the like ng like the ng and the ch and all that ng well they did one of them and I asked to send Rafe off somewhere else and it was the wrong answer

45:34Rosie Ramsey:and I was like oh phonics is not my strong mam said mam said everyone else is over there but mam said don't listen to your mam I was very chuffed though guess what they'd asked him him and another girl in his class wrote them all out. And I was like, oh, that's good. Back to the balloon fetish. Yeah, sorry, very, very nice, but I need to hear about balloon fetish. I know someone who's terrified of balloons. Yes. Terrified. I would not want, what the, sorry. I'm sure he won't mind us saying it, but Jason Cook is a fucking petrified of balloons. And true story, I, when I was younger, and we're doing series two of Heaven, was it series one of the sitcom Heaven, I thought he was joking.

46:13I was like, he's full of shit, he's not scared of balloons, he's full of shit. And we had some balloons, And I popped one in his face and he chased us and threw us through a door.

46:22Rosie Ramsey:Really badly? Really unprofessional. He was fucking fuming and I thought he was joking until I realised he didn't stop chasing us. And he pushed us through a door. I'm not a fan of balloons. Having them at a kids party and they just start banging every five minutes. He says it's the going to pop. That's the thing. They're going to pop. And yeah, I was, yeah. I still feel terrible. Why are you going to involve everything in sex? What happened to just sex? we say this all the time don't we like i'm just what's wrong with like just touching feeling licking sucking doing all that and then sex oh god why must it do not clip these things up by the way gotta put a beat behind that clip these up for social media touching feeling looking sucking sex it's sex it's touching what was that song so come on right listen balloon fetish also known as globophilia I mean it's already got three names I don't know what's going on here so lunar fetish globophilia balloon fetish right refers to a sexual interest in balloons people with a balloon fetish are called lunas this fetish should not be confused with similar interests such as body inflation um the the imagined inflation of body parts oh yeah there's people who do the remember man what there's been documents about the man where they inject loads of stuff into their bollocks and that and their bollocks is like a fucking space hopper there's been loads of stuff like that but so this is just balloons so if they're playing with a balloon or sitting on a balloon they must fucking love condoms does condoms count oh my god I bet they love condoms I bet they do that's just but they found do you know what though they found each other yeah it was at the balloon shop they both got kicked out

48:05both in the car park it's like bloody fascist fascist regime in here you've been kicked out for wanking as well I have been kicked out for wanking do you want to come to my house I've got loads of balloons in the house

48:14Rosie Ramsey:But there's somebody for everyone, isn't there? That's what I always take away from that. Just be careful because you can choke while blowing up a balloon. Be very, very careful. Oh my God, yeah. Be very, very careful. And water balloons, don't use them. They're even worse. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Dear Chris and Rosie, I hope you're both well. With Easter eggs appearing in the shops, I realised Easter is round the corner and felt it's time to share my Easter story with you. Fair warning, it's rank and makes my stomach go to this day. Chris, I think you will be particularly upset. Oh, well, I mean, I'm always, always, like, what's the word?

48:48Curious to hear how upset I will be when someone says they think I'll be upset. It's nice when people think they know the level, and I appreciate it. I think you're going to be upset.

48:56Rosie Ramsey:I went to a C of A school for secondary school. Church of England. Yeah, so did I. Oh, no, did I? I went to Catholic school. You went to Catholic school. RC. I went to RC. Roman Catholic. Great. It didn't really impact the general running of the school day to day, apart from we had chaplains in the school who were generally around, popping in and out of form room, supporting teaching in the odd lesson, etc. There's one head chaplain overseeing these, so there's five chaplains in total. Oh, God. As Easter approached, it came time for the annual Easter assembly. This expected, being a C of E school, we would have had special assemblies for Easter and Christmas, etc.

49:33Rosie Ramsey:My school was a fair size, about 2 ,000 kids. Wow. Good God. So they decided to split us up and give the assembly to each house one at a time. When we entered the school hall, there was nothing unusual to suggest anything was afoot. All five chaplains were at the front of the hall, ready to deliver their special assembly. Fucking power rangers. The four junior chaplains were in a line to the left, with the head chaplain standing forward, ready to present. This is great. Chaplains, assemble! Once, I mean, I can see them in my mind. Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely. So in my mind, you'll have to watch this.

50:09on YouTube. But in my mind, they're all standing like that. Like, Street Fighter characters.

50:13Rosie Ramsey:Okay. You know, when you're going to select a character in a Street Fighter, they're standing ready to fight. to me, they've got a certain look and they're of a certain age. Oh, well, no, there's four at the back, one at the front and they're all standing like, ready to fight. Good for him. West Side Story. Once we were all settled, he started introducing why we were here. Because it was Easter time and it was time to remind ourselves about the story of Easter. As he was saying his introduction, he walked down the line of chaplains, giving them each a toothbrush. He gave the first in line tube of toothpaste in a cup all the while talking away and not addressing the stage activity going on on stage each chaplain squeezed the toothpaste on their tube before long i was looking at a line of chaplains brushing their teeth the head chaplain finally asks us if we've noticed the teeth brushing to which he receives mumble of agreement like what yeah we'll see we're all confused but curious to see where this goes he reminds us of easter jesus's death and the sacrifice he made for humanity.

51:07Rosie Ramsey:The four chaplains continue to brush their teeth. When the first spits out the toothpaste into his cup, he passes it down the line. Oh, God! He passes it down the line for the second to spit into and so forth until the fourth chaplain is holding a cup with four people's toothpaste in it. Oh, that's making us, that's making us, like, that's getting me, that. Apologies to anyone listening. That's getting me. All the while, the head chaplain is continuing to talk about Jesus and his sacrifices. If he fucking drinks that, I'm gonna die. I'm going to die. He points at the cup of spit and says, these represent the sins of humanity.

51:41Rosie Ramsey:By this point, my 13-year-old brain is begging to clock on to what's happening here. To my horror. No, no, no, no, no, no. He takes the cup from the final chaplain. No fucking way. Says, this represents the sacrifice of Jesus. And drinks the cup. Go and shut up. No. The fallout was instant. I could be sick. The fallout was instant. 500 children and their teachers are gagging left and right. Sorry, sorry. They split the school up into different houses. These fuckers did this gig. They did this gig four or five times if they've done the same assembly every time. Listen, people were shouting, oh, that's disgusting.

52:20What the fuck?

52:22Rosie Ramsey:It was like that scene from Stand By Me where Lardos eats all the pies to make the audience sick. My stomach flipped, sick from the sight and sounds going on around me. It was everything. It took everything not to vomit, blah, blah, blah. the chaplain laughed lightly told everyone to settle down then went right back it was a miracle of Easter like nothing had happened the teachers tried their best to get us back in line but obviously even they were horrified I feel terrible completely traumatised what really gets me is that they ran this assembly four times in one day two matinees and two late shows one for each of the houses by all accounts by all accounts he drank the toothpaste spit every time why has he done that You could have done so many different things.

53:05Why the brush? It's like fucking Squid Game. What the hell? That's one of the worst things I've... Thank you for the... Brilliant. That is one of the worst things I've... Standing there. Fucking... He's chatting away. They're all just brushing their teeth. They're like, one of us. One of us. And he's fucking chinging it. And he's chinging for them.

53:26Rosie Ramsey:I genuinely, honestly, if I know Jesus at all, and I feel like I do, he will be looking down saying, what are you doing? Like he drank wine he made the fishes feeding of the 5 ,000 no but he wasn't I don't think Jesus ever drank people's excrements it's an incredible leap of an analogy it makes almost no fucking sense at all he could have done it with anything no that is that is not sacrifice that's disgusting sacrifice would be taking on someone's shift you know what I mean covering them so they can have a day's holiday. Or like, you know, going, if it's raining outside, going to their car and getting their umbrella.

54:09Rosie Ramsey:That's not sacrifice. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall in that room when he told them all that that was the plan. So what we're going to do is you're all going to brush teeth in and you're going to spit in the cup and then I'm going to drink the cup and say that's the sacrifice because I'm taking everyone's sins. Well, they're not, but they're fine with it because it's just their spit there. I wouldn't be fine with that. I'd have went to the priest and I said, he's drinking how I spit in front of everyone. Well, apparently it says as well at the end. we never had another wacky assembly after that.

54:35Rosie Ramsey:I think the head caught wind of it and tore them to pack it in.

54:45Yeah, yeah. Enough of that. Sorry, could you stop with this fucking, yeah, this cult stuff that you're doing here, drinking each other's fucking toothpaste player. Like, oh God, like, honestly, the thing we did years ago about the person spitting in the fishbowl in the drink. Oh, I know. That was one of the worst things. I can only apologise because I've got a fee. I could, with a tiny bit of effort, I could go and be sick now. Shut up. That is really... Does it not make it less disgusting

55:13Rosie Ramsey:that's toothpaste? No, because it makes it worse. If it was just spit, then it's just spit. Oh, no. But they're scraping all of the shit off their teeth and it's going in there. I don't swallow... I accidentally swallowed a bit of mouthwash here, and I was devastated. It ruined me day. And sometimes accidentally... You meant to dip your dick in it anyway. Exactly, of course. So yeah, well, that was after I dipped my dick in it. That's why I was upset. Mouthful of cubes and everything. Now, it was... I am horrified by that. And that's going to be one of the things that I'm going to bump into people that are going to bring that up and I'm going to go, I actually deleted that from your brain.

55:46I can't remember that. Well, happy Easter. Happy Easter. Oh. And if you get an after eight Easter egg, think of that.

56:02Rosie Ramsey:Thank you so much for listening and watching this week's episode of Shag Married Annoyed. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm just doing finger guns to the cameras there. If you want to get in touch, it is shagdmarriedannoyed at gmail.com and if you want to send in a voice note, please, please do. The number is 07874406650. Will I remember that? No, I'm always going to read it off my phone. I don't even know my wife's phone number. We're back in your ears next week. Bye! I'm just not even bothered. I don't know your phone number. No, it's fine. I don't think. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do.

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