In short
The couple discuss relationship stress and parenting lows (perimenopause/period tracking, feeling overwhelmed, morning arguments), then spiral into internet ragebait (fake “wash strawberries” videos), a shocking anecdote about a doctor using a phone torch during a rectal exam, and everyday household/parenting disputes (lights on, kids’ TV volume, fancy dress expectations, and “Taco Tuesday” food battles). They also debate UK divorce rules after joking about “getting divorced for anything,” referencing no-fault divorce becoming law in 2022.
Guests
No guests appear in the transcript. Hosts are Rosie and Chris (Shagged Married Enough). They mention a prior episode with Jordan Stevens, but Jordan is not present here.
Key claims
Strawberry-washing “millipedes/flies” claims are guaranteed fake and clickbait; doctors should not use phone torches for internal examinations (or at least should disclose what they’re using); fancy dress is a pointless imposition; “try it 15 times” nutrition attempts can backfire by triggering arguments; no-fault divorce exists in the UK since 2022.
Notable examples
“Dr. Arsehole/Dr. Pervert” rectum-exam story; “Stranger Things” strawberry slime videos; a standoff over TV volume (12 vs 15); apple-tree tarpaulin not installed; Taco Tuesday door note leading to Rafe crying and refusing tacos.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOHost Banter and Camera Confusion
1:16 to 1:54
Rosie and Chris share a light-hearted moment about filming and public interactions.
“Storm has zero sugar and 200 milligrams of caffeine.”
Discussing Life's Constant Cycles
1:55 to 4:00
The hosts talk about the challenges of life cycles, responsibilities, and feelings of misery.
“Just over-analyzing myself, over-analyzing life, everything.”
Balancing Work and Parenthood
4:01 to 6:01
The conversation shifts to the difficulties of balancing work, motherhood, and everyday tasks.
“This sounds to everyone listening like when you bought the book a page a day and you wrote your thoughts the first day and there are now 364 blank pages in that book.”
Reflecting on Recent Episodes
6:02 to 6:50
The hosts discuss feedback on a recent episode and express excitement for upcoming guests.
“and say, no one in our family likes that taste like shit.”
Interrogation Techniques and Lying
6:51 to 8:30
Rosie shares stories about handling lies, especially with her kids and her past experiences.
“Someone else in the room, oh, she's all guns blazing.”
Discussing Mental Health and Generational Changes
8:31 to 9:21
The hosts compare attitudes towards mental health and well-being across generations.
“No, again, no one ever believed you when you weren't well.”
Reactions to Absurd Internet Trends
10:49 to 14:00
Chris and Rosie continue to discuss bizarre internet trends and their own humorous reactions.
“But you'll have seen them if you're listening now or you're watching.”
A Bizarre Doctor's Visit
14:35 to 19:00
The hosts share a strange story about a doctor using a phone torch for an examination, leading to a humorous discussion on professionalism and trust.
“Somebody told me this the other day and I saved it.”
Examining Strange Scenarios
19:01 to 22:58
The hosts engage in a humorous hypothetical discussion about bizarre examination scenarios and what they would prefer during a medical appointment.
“hey Siri, can doctors use their phone torch during appointments?”
Examining Strange Scenarios
23:14 to 24:28
The hosts engage in a humorous hypothetical discussion about bizarre examination scenarios and what they would prefer during a medical appointment.
“can be intimidating and lonely at times.”
Show all 26 chapters
Observations on Home Lighting
24:34 to 27:38
The hosts discuss odd behaviors observed from family members regarding the use of lights in the house, particularly during babysitting.
“These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.”
Parenting Challenges
27:39 to 28:01
The hosts share experiences of parenting, discussing a standoff over television volume with one of the host's children.
“speaking of Rave yeah getting a little bit of Bobby's station for my liking recently right He's at school every day.”
Morning Standoff Over TV Volume
28:01 to 29:10
Learn about a humorous family standoff over TV volume in the morning.
“He only went to the nursery a couple of days, and now he's like every day.”
Navigating Morning Chaos
29:11 to 30:20
Discover the challenges of getting kids out of the house in the morning.
“getting them out of the house it's like a fight like I've said before I feel like a four, two people.”
The Dread of Fancy Dress Parties
30:21 to 31:55
Hear a couple's humorous debate about the pressures of attending fancy dress parties.
Debating the Concept of Divorce
31:56 to 36:16
Engage in a lighthearted discussion about divorce and its changing perceptions.
“I was in like I looked like a fucking man from Del Monte I was in like a stupid fucking cream suit with a green I felt like a twat was I with you?”
Hey Siri: Divorce Questions
36:17 to 37:33
Explore a humorous interaction involving Siri and questions about divorce.
“Can you just get divorced for anything nowadays?”
Trying to Improve Kids' Eating Habits
37:34 to 42:01
Listen to the effort of a parent trying to encourage better eating habits in their children.
“I wish you just enjoyed a little bit more of the getting to the holiday.”
Family Food Adventures: Tacos and Nutrition
42:01 to 46:00
Explore the challenges and humor of getting kids to eat new foods, focusing on tacos and nutrition discussions.
“Rafe lay face down on the doorstep outside for a good five minutes when I told him it was tacos because he was well upset.”
Childhood Eating Habits and Memories
46:01 to 48:10
Delve into personal stories about childhood eating experiences and the impact of parents on food choices.
“I've never seen so much food on the floor.”
Childhood Eating Habits and Memories
49:31 to 50:08
Delve into personal stories about childhood eating experiences and the impact of parents on food choices.
“When you're 7-Eleven's hottest fire chicken sandwich, people think you're intense.”
Listener Memories and Language Learning
50:09 to 56:00
Engage with listener stories and reflections on learning languages and the experiences with teachers.
“it can be something that's popped into your mind off all the other different things we've spoke about.”
Language Learning Frustrations
56:00 to 57:14
The hosts reflect on their language learning experiences and challenges.
“Sorry, I was talking to me about the idea about French.”
School Pranks and Nostalgia
57:14 to 59:38
A humorous recount of a legendary school prank involving sheep.
“And I literally, I asked him, I went, what's the sentence?”
Teacher Fears and Escapades
59:38 to 1:02:08
Discussion on a teacher's fear of sheep and personal school experiences.
“Our school playing field backed onto a main road.”
Crawling Out of Class
1:02:08 to 1:05:34
A funny story about sneaking out of class and the audacity of students.
“I think we've talked about it before, but I was always so jealous of the person I lived over the road from the school.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Coming up on this week's episode of Shagged Married Enough, we find out why clickbaity videos are basically leading to me almost quitting Instagram.
0:08Rosie Ramsey:I think you should, it's time to let go. I'm sick, I've had enough, I'm honestly ready to call it a day. We find out your exciting story about Dr. Arsehole, bracket's not his real name. Dr. Pervert. I'm gonna speak to me friend tonight. No, I want, if you listen, let us know your opinions on this because I'm really worried about it. Yeah, you're very, very invested in this. We talk about the highs and lows, mainly lows, of Taco Tuesday. Oh, God, do not talk to me about Taco Tuesday. We discuss fancy dress. Yeah, my love of it and your hate of it. Absolutely can't stand a pointless waste of time getting the bin.
0:42And we've got more emails about teachers and school pranks. Yay! All that coming up. Enjoy! Bye! Mornings have a rhythm. You can hear it. Feel it. And at Quaker, we fuel it. With 100 % whole grain oats. And a good source of fiber in every bowl. Helping you turn that rhythm into your soundtrack for a great day. Fuel to start whatever's next. Quaker, official sponsor of FIFA World Cup 26. I-O, let's go! I-O, let's go!
1:21Rosie Ramsey:Turn it up! Storm has zero sugar and 200 milligrams of caffeine. so you can turn that workout up a notch. Good energy in, good energy out. Energy for life. Hello, you're listening to Shagmour Denoid with me, Rosie, and my husband, Chris. Hiya. Hello. Hiya. At the beginning of everyone, sorry enough for the people who are listening, for the people watching at the beginning, I don't know what camera to look at. Even the one that's not pointing to me, I wave at them all like a maniac. Well, you are a maniac. Like, you know when you're out in public and someone shouts like, and you think they're waving at you, you're like, what car am I waving at?
1:51That's basically what just happened there. So apologies for the fright. Apologies to the people who are listening who don't see that. You're not missing anything. I look like a twat. Hi.
1:59Rosie Ramsey:Jesus Christ. Not you over-analyzing life again. Just over-analyzing myself, over-analyzing life, everything. How are you? I'm due on. Right. Here it is. Here it is. Just the constant cycle. I'm miserable as fuck. Right. Yeah. Great. The constant cycle. Good. At least I'm like predictable. You'd be hated if I was unpredictable. No, it's not. You never knew what I was like. At least I'm like, you know. I've got no sort of frame, time frame idea of like the scale of what, you know, when it's coming around again. I don't know. It takes as much surprise is what I'm trying to say. Right, okay. I don't know.
2:34I'm not good at time these days. Right.
2:35Rosie Ramsey:Well, listen, I've got, you just do what you're doing next, Alpha. I've got an app. Right. What are you going to do? Find it in your app? I'm just going to tell you exactly. Right. Okay. Do you know that this app, you can also sync it up with your partner? So you could, I think, I mean, that actually made us want to vomit in your mouth. I've told you I've synchronized with you. I'm always miserable when you're miserable. No, you're just miserable because you feed off my miserable. You just bring the house down. You bring the whole house down. I'm sure I read it or somebody said, like, oh, you can, your partner can have it as well.
3:03Rosie Ramsey:And I was like, that is... Told you. Vile. Or have the app, you mean. Have the app. And be like, oh, sweetheart. Sweetheart, I know why you like this. But, oh, hang on. You wouldn't like that. You'd be like, why are you stalking us? It's too much. Why is it not telling us? Why do you know? Oh, so, hang on. What's the date? It's the 20th. Oh, so I'm really, do you want? Really, do you want? Oh, no, no, no. I'm not. Oh, you're just miserable. Yay! I've got like two weeks, but this is when it starts. Just fucking miserable. Fantastic. That's good. High chances of getting pregnant. Oh, good. No, that's August.
3:35Rosie Ramsey:What the fuck? See, how am I supposed to fucking know if you don't even know? And you've got an app for it. Do you know what it is? It's because I haven't put them in properly. Brilliant. But it's not the same every month. I still don't understand it. And do you know what? I don't want to understand it. Just threw her phone on the floor. I don't know. I must have... No, because I've started... What's happened is last month, I've started putting them in and I haven't pressed OK and then hasn't saved it. Again. So now I'm just... Whatever. I pay for that. I fucking pay for that. Brilliant. This sounds to everyone listening like when you bought the book a page a day and you wrote your thoughts the first day and there are now 364 blank pages in that book.
4:15Rosie Ramsey:I hate myself. That'll never be filled. I hate myself. do you know i bought this is how much i hate myself i bought um so like a liner to put under the we've got an apple tree and it's lovely god i saw this today and i bought the liner to put under the apple tree so the apples wouldn't all just fall off onto the floor it's been sat there for a week the apples are falling on the floor and i haven't put it down i hate myself i actually do hate myself but can we just clarify though as well i don't sit and do nothing do i like i'm it's not like i'm just why are you saying that i just want to hear all of the bullshit no i do a lot i think i do a lot of stuff i feel like i don't actually stop but i never achieve that's i think that right okay i think you've hit the nail on the head you're doing a lot but you're not achieving anything it's like if life's a race if life's a race uh i'm not life all right if every if every day life is a race in which case you've got to start and you've got to finish and you've completed the day you're somewhere in the middle running around in circles right okay I just think life used to be easier when like when you didn't have kids and a job and loads of yeah responsibilities yeah it was much easier of course it was much easier I was gonna say I just think it's too hard you can't do everything you can't do that's the problem there's no like you just can't do everything right you can't be mint at your job and then a mint ma 'am you can't it's just not well dare I say it you do pretty brilliant at both and that is the last compliment you will get off me today.
5:43Rosie Ramsey:Literally, I could cry. I could actually cry. Really? And this is the introduction. Right, okay. I'm on the edge. I'm on the deep end. Oh, God. Because being good at your job, which you are, and being a good mom has absolutely a fuck all to do with putting a little tarpaulin under the apple tree to get the apples off. That's what I mean. Which, can I go on record now and say, no one in our family likes that taste like shit. That taste like actual shit. Cooking apples. apples um that's what i mean okay we've hit the nail on the head all right maybe yes you can be an amazing mother and be really good at your job but the other shit has to just go the other shit like like that like that like putting that top hole in underneath them apples that's got fucking nothing to do with being a good mom or me job so that right okay well listen squirrels i like the gardener's dog fucking loves them apples he scrimmed about three yesterday great let him eat them i know okay there you go i've sorted it i just can't do that shit now listen this is uh the week that our first please keep me anonymous episode came out with jordan stevens very good fun uh thank you so much for all your lovely comments on that uh we really do enjoy doing them we are next week giddy as fuck giddy speaking to other people notes notes for especially me talk less calm the fuck down yeah yeah calm down we're like two little puppies well it's sometimes blood from a stone talking on this podcast to each other um may i quote you uh just 45 minutes ago in our kitchen, sorry, you shouted I can't be fucking arsed.
7:09Someone else in the room, oh, she's all guns blazing. She's, oh, she's fucking life and soul of the party.
7:15Rosie Ramsey:Talk less, smile more. Yeah. We'll do that Louis Theroux thing where you just ask them something and then just go completely fucking dead until they're just like, I could not be interviewed by that man. Do you know, I used to, I don't want to name and shame them, but I used to work for, when I was singing on my own, I had a management company who used to do all my gigs. And when I used to ring, saying that I couldn't do a gig because I was ill or whatever, the guy on the other end of the phone would just be quiet. No. And it was fucking torture. No. But I got wise to it. I got wise to it after a while.
7:46Rosie Ramsey:So you would just be like, right.
7:52Rosie Ramsey:For ages, right? And I was literally like 20 something and it was horrible and I was just like, oh my God. But then I got wise to it and I used to be like, yeah, this is what I'm ringing for. Oh God. And then I did it after. Oh, just a silence off. Silence off. Taught me a lot, actually. So it's an interrogation technique. If you think someone's lying, if you just shut up, they'll keep going and going and going and going. I do it with our kids if I think they're lying. But to be fair, I don't think Robin ever is because I just go quiet and I look at him and he just goes, what? He's like, I've told you, like, fuck off.
8:24It's perfect. But yeah, that's, to do that at a young lass who's gigging, yeah. It was awful.
8:29Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, I left very soon after. Fucking bunch of... No, again, no one ever believed you when you weren't well. We've talked about this before. Yeah. No one ever believed you. I know. In the fucking 90s, early noughties, I'm not well. Oh, well, I've just seen you breathe. So if you're breathing, you're well enough to go to school. I know. That's one thing that this generation are, like, good at. But then sometimes, I don't know. I'm quite glad we grew up in a generation where it was like, you do it. There is a bit of suck it up. But suck it up's not the best way to go. Do you know what I mean? You get shit done, though.
8:59Sometimes it can make you fucking pop. So I suppose there's a level. I mean, if you're hungover. There's a level. If you're hungover, suck it up. crack on you know if you've got a bit of a cold suck it up crack on you know if you're deteriorating hugely with depression and mental health issues maybe don't suck it up maybe talk to someone
9:12Rosie Ramsey:right okay yes absolutely but then I don't know I think we're quite good at dealing with shit yeah I know what you mean I know what you mean yeah I was going to take a drink but I don't have time because it's time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor before that guys thank you so much for watching thank you so much for listening thank you so much for subscribing and being part of our silly mixed up brackets on a period off a period question mark what's going on crazy little mixed up world thank you for being here and without further ado what can I say one there is a sponsor literally banging on the door handfuls of cash handfuls she doesn't care I don't know how long we're going to do this podcast for but it would be nice if we lived in a world where you know I don't fancy doing it perimenopausal or menopausal but like after that if we came back in years come and I would just be quite happy grandparents I'd be loving life I'd be like I had my grandchildren not on my period ever don't have periods anymore don't have periods anymore and you know what you'll say you go actually I don't think I was that bad was I yeah millions of people go you fucking were okay so it is time without further ado for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor now a lot of people have seen this on the internet if you're just watching random videos if the algorithm's throwing them up you might have seen them you might have not but I'm here to say right now this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor is videos of people washing strawberries fucking stop it now explain fully had enough of them fully fully they're fake I guarantee you they're fake absolutely sick of them makers want to die we've got strawberries in the fridge I open it up I look at the fridge I want to be sick everywhere just because of these stupid fucking videos have you not seen them when people use like like powder and that to wash them so they'll put the gold big and it's all all these fucking this new trend there's always a stupid new trend and this new one starts with like my grandma taught me it's always like me grandma taught me this or a food hygienist taught me this or a doctor told me this or a lot of them are a flight attendant told me this and then it's someone fucking cutting up a fucking shoe and putting an air tag in it and then fucking sticking that shoe onto a suitcase I hate everyone but these ones are they get the strawberries they get a big fucking thing they get the strawberries out with a punnet and they pour in the thing and they pour a little water in and then they put either salt or baking powder or something and then they cover it up and they say I've left it for 24 hours and then they take the foil off and it's like fucking stranger things it's like absolutely So you're being sort of click baited.
11:35I'm always click baited. I'm a click baited dream. Like a dream. But you'll have seen them if you're listening now or you're watching. It's honestly vile. They take the foil off and then they're like, look, if you don't do this, look what you're eating. There's fucking millipedes, fucking flies, lizards, bats, rats, dogs, all kinds come out with them. Fagin from Oliver Twist, he's in there doing fucking backstroke. like the scruffiest it's just the scruffiest mignest water ever cast a shameless it's madness the shit that comes out with these strawberries you've seen nothing like it right and I don't even fucking eat strawberries and it makes us want to cry
12:12Rosie Ramsey:right I think I think it's bullshit it's definitely bullshit right but in their defence they've got you because you do not strike me as a type of child who walked along and picked raspberries or blackberries off a in a field No, we were in the countryside with our children. You were letting them pick blackberries and I wanted to burst into tears. But why? You don't know. You roll around a sweaty, ming and horrible floor with blokes arseholes in your face. How dare you? But you won't eat a blackberry off a bush. No one has ever put their arsehole in my face. Definitely haven't. Alright, yeah. You don't know what happened.
12:52Ten minutes earlier than that, a cyclist could have went past and just fucking huddled into that bush. you don't know well what are you going to do
12:58Rosie Ramsey:it's good for your immune system great alright yeah great how long have you worked for the World Health Organisation secretly good solid 20 minutes
13:10Rosie Ramsey:oh Chris stop being you're just rage baited by the internet and the internet really upset you shouldn't have the internet it really upsets you if I didn't have to have Instagram for work I wouldn't have it well okay the other day I didn't go on Instagram at all all day I had a great day well good for you don't go on it then it's not for you I don't think it is for me No then don't go on it. Nobody's forcing you to go on it. Just go on. Collab with me. Because you know you do nothing on there. So just collab. Press the little button to say yes. Get somebody from the office to run your social media for you.
13:39I just don't know.
13:40Rosie Ramsey:Pay me. I will run your social media for you. But I want paid. No. Go on. Pay me. Listen. I'll give you a punnet of strawberries once a fortnight. Unwashed. Gorgeous. Yeah. Get them little wormies in my tummy. It's protein. Biting off all the horrible bits inside. Getting rid of all the shit. It's horrible. Stop doing the videos. You're upsetting us. We had a fight about the jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. So this is the jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle. Jingle. Hey, bitches. Welcome back. Wow. Welcome back to this week's episode. Nice to see you. Hello. Hello. Hello. Calm down.
14:32Rosie Ramsey:All good. Okay. Calm down. Calm down. Wild story for you. Okay. Somebody told me this the other day and I saved it. I haven't told you. I got told this last week, right? Oh. A friend of mine. Don't talk anymore. I know. Well, I saved it. I wrote it down on my phone and I just wanted your opinion on it. Okay. Okay. Friend of mine, her friend. Oh, here it is. No, no, no. Go to a different school. Do I not know? Met on holiday. it's it is a friend of mine's friend but it's a true story yeah cousin's cousin yeah a friend of mine's friend went to the doctors recently right and um the doctor male doctor needed to look at her rectum right back the arsehole okay thank you thank you for that because i had no idea what you'd said no idea i thought you were talking about something in a car honestly i thought I'm going to talk about a barbacar.
15:22Is rectum the real name for it?
15:23Rosie Ramsey:Yes. Is it? Okay, good. I didn't know if it was. A sphincter. Oh. I do believe rectum is the one. Anus. Is there a difference? Anus? I think the rectum's a bit up the inside. I think the anus is a bit up the inside. I think that's what I mean. I think rectum, yeah. Don't do the fingers. Don't do the fingers. Just doing the fingers. Yeah. So, the doctor, proper doctor, not like, not like which doctor, like genuine, like, at the fucking doctors where you ring up. Jesus. Right. used his own phone torch shut up man to look at our bum hole right no I'm sorry in my opinion this needs to be reported there's no way he should be using his phone torch yeah Chris I know what you mean what the heck so yeah oh that's weird isn't it why is it weird why is it weird because people can't be trusted and just because you're in a position of authority doesn't mean like that is so unprofessional I don't know if you can use the camera while the torch is on.
16:23Rosie Ramsey:It's called the flash you could do a video or a picture with the flash on yes okay hold on
16:37Rosie Ramsey:surely you can do a video but then pass it here but then you've turned the flash on don't you okay maybe oh on oh oh there it is there it is oh hey I tell you what my arsehole filming days have just got a bit more fruitful there you go I can never bloody see the ones I do thank you for teaching us sorry does that out loud I know what I mean so isn't it right no I think I would be I would be making an official complaint okay doctors do listen to this right either he's a lazy bastard and he's just like just use my phone torch excuse me yeah I do believe the shut up you know the one that they look in your mouth with and that and your ears I know what you mean or he should have said I'm really sorry me torch has died I haven't got any batteries I'll show you now my phone is turned off I'm just gonna use oh well you couldn't because you no I just think I think I've uncovered something see I always want to Chris can I finish me fucking sentence no because we'll have to be on high alert of this?
17:42Yes. But in all honesty, I always like to try and think the best of people, but obviously the world doesn't let me do that these days and it's pointless and you're a fucking idiot if you do.
17:52Rosie Ramsey:I think you're safer if you think the worst of people and then the surprise you'd actually be good. Yeah, but, but, yeah, even, right, even if he's not videoing, it's still odd that that's his phone that like, later on that night, he's going to get home, he's going to be having his tea and that phone's going to be sitting next to him on the table while he's eating these spaghetti bodies or whatever and it's literally been like lighting up someone's arsehole like it's odd you'll quickly go to the bathroom and knock one out thinking about that phone right great I hate him now I actually hate him he might not be videoing it I don't like him at all he's disgusting I can see him right he's young in my head he's young young thinks he can get away with it not am I not am I what's doctor doctor arsehole I'll find you I don't know where she lives imagine his name is Dr.
18:43Arsul he is called Dr. Arsul we should have known when he came and applied for the job and his name was Dr. Arsul, we can't believe this he couldn't write this I think again, you're good to be sort of what's the word, vigilant but I think you've I've said this before, I'll say it again I think you've listened to too many true crime
19:00Rosie Ramsey:right, okay, well hang on hey Siri, can doctors use their phone torch during appointments? He's not going to know that. Okay. I found this on the web for conductors use their phone torch during appointments. Check it out. Oh, it's in the telegraph. Doctor uses iPhone as torch for internal examination. Doctor is using phone torch, risking patient's health. If you're going to use your cell phone flashlight as a pen light, or as a light source, tell the patient that's what you are using it for. You've just said that. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Wow, am I naive? Yeah. I might be naive, you know. This has... Right, okay.
19:44Rosie Ramsey:No, this has actually happened before. I think it's just because, sorry, as a man, I would be absolutely gutted if someone showed me a video close-up of someone's arsehole. I'd be well upset. Not my thing. Okay, predators, people like that. It's not actually the thing they're doing. It's the risk of what they're doing. Right. A doctor, I'm sure this has sparked a memory of actual... This has happened before. It was a news thing. of a doctor who was like OB, what are they called in America? OB-GYN. G-Y-N. God, why do I know that just off watching? Because they've got special doctors for like clits and that.
20:20Rosie Ramsey:It's not fair. We've got crap over here. I want to just go with the same doctor. The same doctor can rid you of your cold and also save you from the clap. They've got special doctors for clits. They do. No, it's actually, I think it's actually happening at the minute where somebody is under investigation because they were using the torch for like, um, gentleness sort of, not good, not cool, because I haven't talked about it, but I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm seeing that tonight, I'm gonna do a follow-up. You know what I think will be better, what would be worse, what would be worse, right, here it is, what would be worse, you're going for your, you're going for your operation thing, right, uh, your examination, and you've got two options, right, time has paused, the man, the magic man, who controls time appears, and he says, right, Bernard, and his watch, Bernard's watch, yeah, Bernard's bloat you're not all Bernard isn't that oh he's all over us nah see a major user's watch erm stupid er so yeah come on switch it on that food flies all over you again by the way I was ignoring it why'd you have to oh god you're ill I am ill so right two choices he's gonna is this me personally yeah this is you this is you your legs are in the air your ankles are in the thing he's got a big old he's got a big old look at your bum big big old look at your bum it's a good ball erm so er alright three options option one he's going to use his phone torch could be video and you don't know option two he's going to put some romantic music on and he's going to look at it by candlelight option three he's going to use you know that buzz light you saw that Rafe got from Disney that lights up and makes noises he's using that they're your three options I'll go for pulling my pants up kicking them in the face and saying your no doctor and going out.
22:09Rosie Ramsey:He's not using any of them. Again, wasn't an option. Candle light or phone light might be filming it or buzz light your sword that makes all them noises. Neither. Neither. I'll risk bumhole-itis. Yeah. I'm not having any of them. How about you put the big light on or one of the things that the dentist has that can go down or different job altogether. Or he buys a little torch. Yeah. Laser pointer? Yes. Sparkler. What about... This is getting out of hand. It's the 5th November. You've gone in. This is ridiculous. He's phoned that out of battery. But hey, he's got a Roman candle. He's got a Catherine wheel.
22:48Stay back. Stay back, Mr. Ramsay. We'll singe your pubes.
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22:53Stop it.
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25:39Rosie Ramsey:I've had an observation. Oh, you've had an observation. Yeah, me mom. Yeah. A mother observation. I don't know if this is just my mom or whether this is like, what's their generation? Boomer. Boomers. Boomers. when my mom babysits the kids I come back and she's sat in complete darkness like not one lamp on in the house at all right is she trying to save her electricity or is she just a fucking bat like it's weird I come in what do you mean where is she she's sitting in the sitting room next to the kitchen yeah and she's got the telly on but it's just fucking darkness and I'm like you could put a light on it's just weird it's just an I don't know it's just an observation Just find it odd.
26:22Rosie Ramsey:I'm like, I don't know if she just can't be arsed or if it's deliberate. I need to ask her. So I saw a thing online once that said it was a photo of two houses and one was like all the lights on, outside lights on, like Blackpool Illuminations. Yeah. And the other one underneath was all darkness. And it said when she's home alone or when he's home alone. Yeah. And they were the differences. Yeah. But I like it. You've got me on. I'm Mr. Lamp now. I know, yeah. I took Rafe down. Rafe woke up mad early at the weekend and I took him downstairs and it was like dark, dark mornings are back. And what?
26:55What? Excuse me? No, he did for you as well, but he did for me the day before.
26:59Rosie Ramsey:Oh. I'm sorry, you think you only woke up once early at the weekend? No, you woke up both times earlier, but thankfully you took it on the chin the second time. But I took him down and he wanted the big light on, you know, quote unquote, the big light, the main light in the living room. And I had a five minute argument with him. I went, no. I went, it's minging. I went, we need the lamps on. No, I want this one on. Horrible. I am Mr. Lamp now. I love my outside light I love my interior light I have my lamps on in different rooms I put lamps on in a room I'm not in so I can just walk past it and go on there it is and see the lamps I'm glad you're on board but I need to speak to Sandra and just say Sandra why are you putting a couple of lamps on I put cameras on when she's been here I do send her a bill at the end of the day for the lectures is that what it is it might be that I knew it was she had the bloody blender on the other day cheeky little fiver speaking of Rave yeah getting a little bit of Bobby's station for my liking recently right He's at school every day.
27:47Rosie Ramsey:I think he's naked. And he's really not happy about being at school every day. Literally, he's like, why am I not at my mom's house? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doing whatever the fuck I want. It's a hard little transition he's going through, to be fair. No, it is. He only went to the nursery a couple of days, and now he's like every day. The poor kid's exhausted. But we had a standoff this morning. He came into my room, and he put the telly on. Because I love the telly in the morning. I'm like, let me doze here for 20 more minutes. and you watch the telly. It was on really loud and I was like, Rafe, that's far too loud.
28:20Rosie Ramsey:Like, Mammy's dozing. Absolutely not. And we had a standoff. I wanted him to put it on 12. He wanted it on 15. And I didn't give in. We had a little tussle, right, for the remote. He won that one, but whatever. And he just lay in complete silence and I hope for 15 minutes. Wow. You go back up, did you? I just lay there. I was very much awake. I was raging. I was like, I'm not giving in. And he wasn't giving in. so that was me morning that was that's how I he's just as stubborn as you he's just as stubborn as you but that's that's not healthy because that was my first interaction of the day was an argument about the volume getting them both out of school this morning it's not healthy because obviously I was working last night so I got back a little bit later so I slept in a different bed because I didn't want to wake you up so that's why that sounds like we're in separate beds there as you just said that like we're sleeping in separate beds we are quite often in separate beds but this morning getting them out of the house it's like a fight like I've said before I feel like a four, two people.
29:16And I'd drag them in the car. I wouldn't put music on on the way to school this morning. I'd try and put the music on. I went, no, I want to sit in silence. I need quiet. I needed quiet. It's too much, isn't it? And I put an audio book on on the way back, just...
29:27Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, gather your thoughts. Yeah. Yeah. It's too much fun. It was just not the interaction I needed first thing in the morning, arguing about it. And I could have had it on 15, Chris. I was awake. But I thought, no. No. I just don't know how they're going to be arsed. I don't know how they're going to open their eyes and go, I want a row. Robin lost a piece of Lego this morning I was looking for it and I was like this could be under me fucking nose and I can't see it because I haven't had a coffee I'm a mess I think we're too available to them yeah I think we're just too available to Rao like I just I don't remember my mum and dad being as present as we are maybe they were they were always like there but they weren't there really yeah does that make sense?
30:06Rosie Ramsey:yeah hmm I don't know we're doing it all wrong let's go back get them back down the fucking mines it's time for what's your beef what's your beef what's your beef what's your beef I'm gonna go first really yeah is that is that wise I do believe our beefs may be the same I believe our beefs may be the same thing this morning because we spent a good 45 minutes sitting and arguing about this this morning um in a i don't know if i've mentioned this before i don't remember having an argument this morning because you know what because the whole thing's a fucking argument my whole life is an argument with someone exactly exactly um so this is a i may have mentioned a vein of this before but i don't think i've definitely not mentioned a specific thing but a through thread of our marriage is um you keep getting surprised when I don't like stuff that you know I don't like and in this week's instalment we have fancy dress we are going to my manager slash agent's birthday 60th birthday brilliant bloke he's done a lot for her fantastic guy we're going to his birthday we're going all the way down to London to go to his party it's fancy dress which I'm irritated about is it it is and it isn't yeah it is yeah it's yeah it's called I don't think you have to though it's called the party these are a few of my favourite things brackets sound of music isn't one and then he's like dress in something for the themes and the theme it's like all of his favourite things are on the back movies music eras stuff it's cool love the bloke tell them what you want to go as tell them what you want to go as so one of the themes one of the things he likes all different things he likes he's got Sopranos on there Breaking Bad as I say different music things one of them is Gladiator now we've talked about this before I went to a fancy dress party before and I felt like a prick and famous comedian Russell Howard was there and he was just in jeans and a hoodie what did you go as?
32:22I was in like I looked like a fucking man from Del Monte I was in like a stupid fucking cream suit with a green I felt like a twat
32:28Rosie Ramsey:was I with you? yeah yeah yeah you were there what was I? I can't remember I hated it anyway I hate going fancy dress I hate it it's just the thing of like it's like come to me party okay I'll come to your party when's your party me party's here okay I'll come all the way there for your party because it's your birthday and I like you happy birthday oh dress how I want you to dress for your party for me party oh sorry I've got to dress exactly how you want me to dress yeah yeah oh can I go for it oh so I can't go for a drink before your party because I'm like a massive tosser and then the taxi queue or the pizza shop is going to be great because I'm like a fucking tosser then as well right I'm going to have to explain to passers-by what I look like can I can I I'm an extrovert but on my terms can I jump in you can jump in you do realise that we live in a world and society where people know what fancy dress is it's not like it's not the 1900s where it's just sort of being invented and it's cooking off the wall and people are like oh my god look at that if someone saw you in fancy dress if you were at the pub and someone was dressed as fucking Indiana Jones you wouldn't go oh god what's he got on there hey what's he wearing no I wouldn't I would go You know he's in fancy dress.
33:36Rosie Ramsey:He's clearly going to a fancy dress party. He's an unimaginative cunt. He's got unimaginative cunt friends. He's going to a stupid fucking fancy dress party. There's no need for the same word twice. The thing, it's fucking funny. And it's like, hey, it's funny for a couple of minutes. Hey, what are you as? I'm this. What are you as? I'm this. Well, should we just have a normal night now, dressed like a bunch of bell-heads? You are. Yeah, let's just have a normal night. You are a miserable bastard. I'll tell you where I'm going as people. No, can I tell you right now? I don't think you should go.
34:00Rosie Ramsey:I don't think you should be like them. I don't go out often. I don't go out often. And to be dictated to what I dress and the fact that it's got to be wacky into a theme upsets us greatly. But I'll tell you what I'm going as. The movie Gladiator is on that list. And in the movie Gladiator, there's a very famous blooper where on one of the scenes, not in the Coliseum when he's full on, when he makes it big time, just when he's doing the Gladiator open mic circuit when he's in the smaller Coliseum. There's a cameraman in shot in trainer's jeans and a white t-shirt. that's what I'm going as brilliant I've got to explain that to everyone I've got to explain it to everyone and that's it what are you going as alright but I've not I've actually realised by the way because even though I am a boring horrible miserable sod it's called these are a few of my favourite things I can just go with me because I'm his favourite client I don't think you are not with that fucking patter I will be getting dressed as something I don't know what but I'll be doing something yep you're just miserable.
35:01Rosie Ramsey:Anyway, this is one thing. One time when I wish I was married to someone else. Yeah. You wish I was married to someone else just because I won. Just this little part of my life. Just because of the one time every three years we're going to ask to go to a fancy dress party. Yeah. You wish I was married to someone else. Yeah. Just for this. I look forward to the judge hearing that and the defo's hearing and literally going, she's clearly lost her mind, all the money to him. Do you want the children, Mr. Ramsey? No, I don't. She can keep the children. Good. Can we, excuse me, can you fast forward to the life that we're living now I don't need a reason to divorce you right sir what do you mean I can do it with my own fucking free will right there doesn't have to be wow did you not know this no you do you've got to go in front of the judge and say why don't you no no you sure not anymore oh god I could just divorce you if I want I've been banking on that are you fucking kidding me you're kidding us man I've had me speech written for years no I'm sure I do it every week you're gaslighting us now because I'm no this is a thing right Right, can I just say, Hey Siri.
35:58Disagreeing with you isn't gaslighting you.
36:00Rosie Ramsey:Shut up, stop gaslighting us. Hey Siri. Hey Siri. Can you just get divorced for anything nowadays?
36:14Rosie Ramsey:Okay, he said. Hey Siri. Hey Siri. Can you just get divorced for anything nowadays? Okay.
36:26Rosie, you are talking to Siri in the most geordie way in the world. What's wrong with you?
36:31Rosie Ramsey:Hey, Siri. Can you just get divorced for any reason nowadays? No, don't say that. Say to you any specific reason.
36:45Rosie Ramsey:Regionalist. Check you can get a divorce. You've been married for over in a year. What are the new grounds for a divorce in the UK? Thinking about divorce. No fault. No fault divorce became law in 2022. I wouldn't agree with that though. No fault. I wouldn't agree. I'd say it's her fault because she wants us to go fancy dressing. She knew, she knew the fanciest I've ever dressed is on our wedding day and I'll never dress fancier than that. I just think, I just think your comedians go on like yous are all out there and extroverts. Yous aren't. Yous are all introverted little losers. Damn right.
37:18But not enough of a loser that goes fancy dressing and thinks it's funny. Hate it. Hate it. hate it hate it right it's you what's your beef
37:27Rosie Ramsey:just I wrote a dream down the other day and it just flicked onto it all of a sudden from nowhere and I just found it a bit strange oh come on then no no not suitable it's uh okay we've already been dark it's not sexy it's just grim I did not think it would be sexy in any way shape or form I have sexy dreams yeah yeah bollocks I do sometimes yeah dream dreams you see a lamp you like right okay my beef with you yeah is that you won't do fancy dress but that's separate okay I mean I will end up doing it but I'll moan about it all night and you'll have a terrible time you'll have a terrible time I won't go right I'm not doing this for the rest of my life it's fucking the holidays all over again every holiday every holiday we get there and you sit by the pool and all you've done is whinge about the holiday and you've done nothing towards the holiday whinge whinge whinge whinge whinge whinge get the kids up whinge whinge whinge whinge whinge whinge the flight whinge whinge whinge whinge whinge whinge get there unpacked sitting with the wine this is brilliant isn't it I'm so glad we did this Sorry, you're angry that I enjoy the part of the holiday you're supposed to enjoy?
38:26Rosie Ramsey:I wish you just enjoyed a little bit more of the getting to the holiday. What do you want me to specifically enjoy? The taxi to the airport? Just the whole thing. Do you want me to sit there and go, fucking great this. Hey, what time is it? Half three in the morning and I'm up. Mint. Eh, what's this? Hey, hey, look at all these people. Look at this queue. Look at these queues. Hey, oh, you know what I love? You know what I love? Taking laptops and iPads in and out of bags. Fucking love it. Get them out, get them in, get them out, get them in. Want this belt off? Want these shoes off? Aye, aye, no problem.
38:51Oh, let's walk through here Oh, smells like all the perfumes Oh, this is great This is wonderful Look at this Hey, hey Oh, hi How long's the flight? Oh, what time do we get here? Oh, it's not for two and a half hours Oh, great Well, at least the food's cheap Oh, it's not Oh, but at least it's nice Oh, it's not nice Oh, the kids are kicking off Hey, this is fucking fantastic Hey, do you know what else I love? Getting in a big long tin can Filled with everyone's burps and farts That's great Hey, where the kids sit You want to sit here? No, you want to sit here You want the window Now you want the window Now you want the window Now you in the window That's okay Man brought some sandwiches What's in hers?
39:23Egg Fantastic Love this Love every second of this Oh we're off the plane now Oh we're in a little bus In the pissing hot fucking heat Oh when we go to the airport Doesn't matter Not happening Stay on the bus Stay on the bus Stay on the bus Last person got off There we go Where's our bags? Fucking God knows where our bags are Oh there's the bags Isn't this amazing? There's the bags Oh there isn't one There isn't one There's the last one right Stop crying kids Stop crying They're tired They're just tired They're tired Never Of course they're tired We got up at half three And into another taxi and to the hotel and that's oh the room's not ready of course it's not ready excellent god I love being on holiday all of this is brilliant oh hold on I'm round the pool on a sun lounger oh I don't like this bit as much as all of the other stuff that just happened I'm relaxing with a drink oh get me back in that fucking bus in the pissing hot heat dick
40:10Rosie Ramsey:you're such a cunt and I hate your forehead what's your beef?
40:29Rosie Ramsey:are we having a break was that your breakdown that was a breakdown was that your breakdown right okay yeah my beef with you is
40:44i just can't believe you expect me to like any of that stuff just listed i don't expect you to
40:50Rosie Ramsey:like it i don't like it but i don't expect you to just fucking huff and puff and whinge the whole time like it's just part of life like stopping you're so spoiled you're so spoiled honestly right listen my view with you is I'm trying to get Rave to eat better because he doesn't he's just shit like I had to have a chat with his teacher because he just picks a cheese sandwich every day and just like can we talk about the cheese sandwiches and I'm like I'm trying like what what did he just eat and he's like what you had to do and he's like cheese sandwich oh my god
41:30Rosie Ramsey:except I'm afraid he has fish and chips I'm like good so I said to her I said look don't worry because he does he does eat better at home he will eat he eats peas he eats broccoli he eats little tomatoes I never ate any fruit or veg do you know what really upsets is like he will eat the chicken dinner he'll eat the Yorkshire puddings he will eat the chicken he'll eat the potatoes and he will eat the veg and the gravy like he does like a dinner right but the other day I was like right Rafe they've got it at school it's just pork it's like a pork dinner and he was like blech blech and I'm like you can't eat it at home anyway whatever whatever i'm like i said to his teacher i went is he eating at all he's just like yeah i was like right well i'll make sure he has doesn't have any cheese sandwiches at all at home or over the weekend anyway so last i've tried this start of this new thing try it tuesday um and i chatted which was lovely by the way i try i really tried because we laughed the night before and we went through loads of foods that he could try and it ended up being funny and i was like cauliflower and he's like I was saying all these things anyway and Robin got involved because obviously you know he just couldn't and he wanted tacos so we did try so first of all first of all you're a wonderful mom you're a wonderful mom and the fact that you're trying to get him to eat more is amazing we got home from school last night and you put a little thing on the door saying it's try Tuesday it's Mexican tacos Robin and Rafe you know Senor Robin Senor Robin and Senor Rafe It was dead canny that you did it all.
42:57It was so lovely. Trying to get them excited. Rafe, I've got the phone on my phone. Rafe lay face down on the doorstep outside for a good five minutes when I told him it was tacos because he was well upset. Robin went in. Robin was buzzing for tacos. Again, tacos, get them in the bin. Don't know how they're a thing. Don't know how they're a thing. Utterly, genuinely, unless you eat them in the fucking bath, I don't know how he's supposed to eat them. Absolutely ridiculous. Tasted great, but I'd rather get that. That mince, Hubert spaghetti and Hubert parmesan on top. Just have some spaghetti. I'm all right for the rest of them.
43:29Rosie Ramsey:Robin loved them. Robin ate a lot. But Robin eats great. Robin has like lettuce, tomatoes, onions. He's mint. He's really good eater. Rafe made our tacos. So I was like, oh, he's touching the onions and he's doing all this stuff. And then refused to eat one of his own. But anyway, I managed to get like two spoonfuls of mince in them. And he ate them. He did try them and it was really good. But my beef with you. So my beef isn't with Rafe because he's getting there and he's trying. my beef is with you because you had to leave the room because you are triggered couldn't do it triggered by food just by what explain so I've got there's two parts there's one part of us that's like she's such a good mom and it's so amazing that you're trying to get this nutrition in him you're trying to you know get and you will what's it you've got to try it 15 times or something is the thing you always say on the internet annoyingly he has tried it more than that yeah yeah it's brilliant that you're doing it but at the same time it's like that thing of like you go oh, I'm making all this for you.
44:24You're going to try it. Oh, he doesn't want to try it. I can't believe he doesn't want to try it. I've got to tell you he didn't want to try it. And it's just, there's two parts. There's one part, it's like, I'm so proud of you, you're an amazing man. And the other part is, why are you fucking bothering him? Give him a fucking pizza and a pile of broccoli. He will eat a pizza and a pile of broccoli.
44:37Rosie Ramsey:No, that's not, okay. Nutrition, right? What we eat is actually the most important thing. You go on about like behaviors, like, you know, for wellness and for health. It's so simple. what you eat put good put good fuel in you you'll be you'll feel better it's and I want my children I know to it's massively important to us and it really upsets us that I've got one kid who will eat anything yeah like Robin has always been amazing steaks fucking muscles everything it just it just fucking winds us up that Rafe won't but I can't be there when the screaming's happening I know well it's because fucking is it because when you were younger yeah I was a terrible eater you were a terrible eater Yeah, it was constant.
45:22Yeah. Yeah, but it was like, we'll just make you a chicken dinner. You don't have to eat it. Don't worry, just try it. You don't have to eat it. Tried it. Oh, I don't like it. You still don't like it. I fucking knew. So in the end, I would go, they would go, we're just going to, we're going to make it. Will you try it? And I go, no. I go, don't make it. Do not make it because it'll just end up. I'm young at this point. Young. I know it'll end up in a fucking screaming match.
45:44Rosie Ramsey:Well, that's, no, but I didn't scream at him. You didn't. you were brilliant so that's the difference I think that's the difference but it was like all I wanted I'll be better next time I'll be better next time it just brought up some shit and I didn't like it just brought up some shit ugh okay so you can imagine last night at dinner I had Robin doing videos of himself on my phone eating his taco because these fucking Americans go on about tacos all the time on YouTube and I had Rave crying and then I had you triggered fuck I was just getting me out of here a taco it's like a crisp sandwich but instead of the bread it's like a crisp sandwich but the bread's on the inside and the crisp's on the outside yeah I don't like them at all fucking awful what a stupid fucking thing them pockets are better they're the same company but they do them pockets with where it's like there's a tortilla tortilla yeah they're much better yeah well next week Robin wants burritos so mother fucker let's guys our rave is not gonna do well with a burrito I'm gonna fill the paddling pool with lukewarm water we're all gonna eat them in the paddling pool cause it's just the fucking mess it's unbelievable oh my god right that's what upset you more that as well every bite the mess you bite it more goes on the floor so what you can clean it you can clear it up I've never told you about the time me and Carl Hutchinson were doing a gig and were backstage and it was in like it was a room above a pub and the pub had brought like a platter of sandwiches and the promoter came in and he was standing talking to her and he was like oh sorry if I grab a couple of sandwiches and I was like yeah yeah and he grabbed the sandwiches and he started talking to her and he was eating the sandwich and I'm not and he's like he's talking away he's eating the sandwich he's talking and me and Carl both just stood in silence mouths open staring at this man as I am not exaggerating when I say 60 % of the sandwich went on the floor while he was eating it and he'd done three in a row and then he was like right and he walked out and the door shut and I turned to Carl and I just went what the fuck was that and Carl was the same like well look I would've seen a ghost both were like yeah just shot and I looked at the fucking floor.
47:46I've never seen so much food on the floor. It was like, it was like, you know when you put your hand flat and you feed a horse? Yeah. And the guy's right and the fucking guy's everywhere. It was like that. But we stood, and I remember thinking, he came back in, he told with a running order, he told how the night was going to go and I took none of it in because I was just like, none of that's going in his fucking mouth. None of the car was the same. I went, did you hear anything? He said, he went, no, I was just watching the sandwich at the floor. Why'd I go and ask someone else?
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49:24Why wait? Ask your doctor, visit BotoxChronicMigraine.com, or call 1-800-44-BOTOX to learn more. When you're 7-Eleven's hottest fire chicken sandwich, people think you're intense. Well, yeah, I'm hot! Oh, yeah, intense. Want to see if you can handle the heat? Then try me. With pickles or spicy mayo and jalapenos. Oh, and it's all just$4.99. That's a deal almost as hot as I am. Almost? Sweet? No. Spicy? See for yourself. $4.99 and only at 7-11. Ballad through 825-26. Participating stores only while supplies last. Visit store for full terms. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public.
50:06Public. Public. As always, if you'd like to get in touch with anything at all, it doesn't have to be a question. It can be a story. it can be something that's popped into your mind off all the other different things we've spoke about. The email address that you need is shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com. That's the one.
50:20Rosie Ramsey:We've had loads of teacher memories. Great. Because we talked last week or the week before about my French teacher who kept getting locked in the cupboard. Yes, and then we had the fantastic thing with the crown. Oh, yes. That was it, Henry VIII. I have told so many people that. I've told people who don't listen to the podcast, friends who I know don't listen to the podcast, and I go, we had the same idea, you need to listen to this. And I go, oh, brilliant. Thank you again. Gorgeous. It was amazing, amazing. Just watched last week's episode and thank you for mentioning the teacher being locked in the cupboard.
50:52Rosie Ramsey:I went to the same school. As you? Must have, yeah. And have been telling my fiance this for years. He didn't believe me. I was buzzing when I got to show him you telling this story. This, it's, I don't remember this, but there's another memory here, right? I don't know whether that's just some sort of urban legend of school. It says, can you also remember the teacher who would draw students' faces on the filing cabinet in marker and then proceed to punch the cabinet.
51:23Rosie Ramsey:I don't remember that. Right. So that for me, I can completely get on board with that. I've met kids. Kids are dickheads. If you told me, if you put two teachers in front of me and one teacher goes, I just love them. I love changing the young lives. And yes, there can be a bit. difficult, but you know, we get through it. Or the other teacher goes, sometimes the piss is off so much, I draw their faces on a filing cabinet, I punch a filing cabinet, I go, I relate more with you than I do the first one. But just to, they shouldn't really be teaching. No, they shouldn't. And the first one's a better person and a better teacher, a better human being all around.
51:59All I'm saying is I relate more to the second one.
52:01Rosie Ramsey:But I don't remember this. I think they must be younger than me because that's a new one. Must have been an art teacher. Or older. It's got to be an art teacher. Yeah. No, not art. I think that's maths. I'm talking about the skill to draw the face. Oh, okay, right. But then what? How many filing cabinets you got? Is it wiped off? There's so many questions. I don't think it's true. It's a fucking great story. I think that's like possible. I saw my old teacher the other night. Yes. Oh, Inside Number 9. We haven't even spoken about Inside Number 9. Oh, that was fun, wasn't it? So good. So anyone who doesn't know, Inside Number 9, the amazing show by Steve Perman and Richia Smith, who did of League of Gentlemen fame.
52:38Yes. It's on iPlayer. there's 9 series or something phenomenal it's almost like a theatrical non-technology black mirror yes in the way that I don't know I don't even know how to describe it the episodes are funny and silly but dark and some of them are fucking scary the show
52:55Rosie Ramsey:the theatre show was amazing it was amazing but you were a special guest one night and I was a special guest one night I was really nervous I was like when I met them I was like stuttering in my words yeah I was a bit starstruck it doesn't happen often no it doesn't happen often but I was a little bit starstruck when I met them. I was, a lot. And then when we were on stage, there was one minute when I was shouting at Steve Pemberton and I was just looking at him and he had these horrible like goofy teeth in and he was like this. Yeah. And I grew up watching Eager Gentleman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And in that moment, I was just like, I can't believe this is happening.
53:26It was bizarre. It was a real, yeah. It was a really cool,
53:29Rosie Ramsey:I just thought it was a really cool moment. Yeah. I didn't really feel worthy of it. No, definitely not. But I remember being backstage and Paul, the guy who was looking after us, he was a lovely bloke, He was like, oh, just go out and just like, you know, just make them laugh and stuff when you're on stage. Like, try and see if you can, you know, make them crack. I'm like, fucking comedy royally in our country. And you want me to just off the cuff say you fucking make them laugh? Are you serious? I didn't get a panic attack, but it was great. If you can get tickets for the Inside No. 9 live show, it's called Fright Night.
54:00Rosie Ramsey:Fright Night, sorry, yeah. Unreal if there's any tickets in any way. It's going all over the country. It's phenomenal. Really good. Phenomenal. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hello, Rosie and Chris. following on from your conversations about teachers dressing up it unlocked a memory about a head teacher where you had a primary school who used to wear full on school uniform no every day we're talking like a giant people yeah grey trousers white shirt stripy school tie and a navy sweatshirt with the school logo on it wow the headmaster the headmaster that's gross wow that is is it gross or is he representing that's gross you reckon how how do you get told off by a just a big average it's disgusting it's big remember the film big yeah it's horrible how do you get told off by a I know I'd just be stood there thinking even at a young age I remember thinking eww yeah well we've talked about this before about how damaged I was my dad wearing the school jumper picking us up and I'd literally be like gushed back in the car.
55:09Fantastic.
55:09Rosie Ramsey:Hey, I tell you what. I don't think we embarrass our kids as much as my dad embarrassed me. But imagine this school though. Imagine getting sent to the headmaster's office and you go in and you stand outside for a bit and you knock on the door. Come in and you go in and he's on just a little table same as yours and he's on a little chair and he's like, right, okay. And he goes, he's got that plastic tree he used to have and he's got the plastic tree. He's got nothing big in the whole room. I think he's awful. I think he should be in prison. I don't like him at all. Prison? I don't like him at all.
55:36Rosie Ramsey:Wow. I don't like that at all. Wow. She is not impressed. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. This is the idea of Chris and Rosie. Just listened to the last week's episode where the French teacher got locked in the cupboard and it sparked a memory of my French teacher being just as pathetic. Must be a French teacher thing.
55:58Rosie Ramsey:We'll never know. Sorry, I was talking to me about the idea about French. Well, first of all, big shout out. and big commiserations to anyone who spent their entire education learning different languages, because now AirPods and Metaglasses can just translate on the fly. Yeah, but it's still good to know. It's still amazing to know, to be fair, but it must be irritating. And I would have stuck at languages. French and Spanish I learned at school, a little bit of German. We were French and German. We didn't do Spanish. I would have stuck at them, but the minute it goes from tourist French to grammar and the laws of grammar and verbs and that, gone.
56:44Yeah, same. Gone. I didn't take any of it in. Where's the bakery? Fucking get me on this. Where's the beach? Where's the discotheque? Yeah. What do I want on my pizza? Fucking, I'm all over that. Ça va. Past participants and fucking feminine me. Get out, get out of here.
57:00Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, I couldn't tell you now. do you know Fernie LaBouche do you know I seen Robin doing a fraction like a you know like the adding and taking away but you put it the numbers on top of each other I was so impressed honestly he was doing his homework and I was just like this is mega he did it just did it no I am shitting my pants for him getting proper homework I know so man I know shitting my pants he literally Robin's quite clever he's nine years old he had some questions the idea about like what was it it was verbs and adverbs and what is the the adverb or something in this sentence. And I literally, I asked him, I went, what's the sentence?
57:35Typed it in the chat, GPT. Yeah, I know. And I said, what other? And it went, oh, it's these two. And I went, why? And I told us and I went, cheers. But that's quite - And guess what? Not only have I forgot why, or what they are, I forgot what the question was.
57:44Rosie Ramsey:But that's quite basic stuff. He's not like getting special work. This is just year five stuff. We're fucked. That's what I'm saying. We're completely fucked. When he comes back, GCSE maths. Hello? Uncle Carl? I know. Carl Lunderton. Bang, straight on the phone. My Steph teaches year six. I'll ring her for next year. Right, listen. Back to this. It all starts back in 1997, the last year of my senior school. And we were waiting for the last GCSE to finish so that our friends who were sitting them could finally come out and we could celebrate with bunking off the last lessons for a bottle of 2020 and a four-pack of hooch on the park bench.
58:19Rosie Ramsey:Outstanding. Good old days. We've all heard the stories of what usually happens on the last day of term, such as setting the fire alarm off, etc. but we wanted to be legendary status right something that would outlive our time at the school and be muttered in whispers in whispers for future generations about a prank so good that it would become folklore for our children who would one day come to us and ask about it and we would tell them with a tear in one eye that yes it was your dad that did this amazing thing this is fantastically written and this alone would promote our children at the height of popularity that all the cool kids would want to be their friends just for knowing them wow this is this is big okay the problem was most pranks had been done and they were at best average right so a cutting plan was hatched between the three amigos that were waiting for the final bell and this was the fruits of our thoughts that eventually got us excluded from school even though we were due to leave in two hours that's amazing well this is like when i got held back for shouting in the corridor and i got held back for the last day and i had to sit in a class it's horrible the last day of your school i told you i'd signed out i'd signed out and i went in the corridor and i went i'm making my way so i'm like we're free and some teacher dragged in and made me sit in the class for an hour with the year sevens it was pathetic i remember when i was at school i watched the bigger kids and even i thought they're cool i remember sitting in that class looking at all the year sevens going i could just get up and walk out now i've been signed out but i've sat here for an hour it was devastating That's a power thing though, isn't it?
59:48I feel like a right loser.
59:49Rosie Ramsey:Say that. Yeah. You're still here. Did your teachers like you at all? No. No, I didn't think they did. No. One teacher liked me. Oh. One. Maybe two teachers. Right. But definitely one. Right, okay. So the plan was this. Do you want to hear? Our school playing field backed onto a main road. And the other side of the road was a farmer's field that had sheep in it. I like where this is going. The plan was to bunk off, go through the hole in the fence and kidnap three sheep and let them loose in the school corridors. Now, this seems pretty extreme at best. And this would probably be something that would be mentioned for a while.
1:00:26Rosie Ramsey:But here's the clever bit, which would deem us legends. And I'll take credit for this as it was a moment of pure genius. I'm really impressed with that. We got some poster paint from the art supply cupboard. And when the sheep were in the field, we painted on them the numbers 1, 2 and 4. before setting them loose. That's clever. This genuinely had the school teachers looking for number three for the rest of the day. Shut up, man. And no work was done by any children. Plus, when our friend came out of his exams, he was pissing himself, laughing, as all he could hear in a deathly quiet exam hall was, No way!
1:01:01Rosie Ramsey:They did it! They did it! And they've wrote one, two, and four. That's the cleverest thing I've ever heard in my life. So the teachers have been looking for the third sheep. Wow. Very good. This was just the icing on the cake, though. We didn't realise this, but our French teacher was petrified of sheep and passed out with fear. Sorry! You can't just skim over passed out with fear. You nearly swallowed those words. Passed out. Passed out with fear. And that's got nothing to do with them being a French teacher. That's not fair to say all French teachers are pathetic because yours was terrified of sheep.
1:01:35Yours got locked in a cupboard?
1:01:37Rosie Ramsey:Well, that's just two French teachers. Right, okay. You know. Yeah. That's not fair. Petrovised sheep and passed out with fear. So an ambulance had to be called for her as well. Holy shit. Yeah. That's incredible. All the best. And let's hope Robin and Rafe don't do worse. I really hope, kind of do and don't. I don't know. I'd be impressed, but I would have to. I'm impressed that they caught the sheep. I'm impressed that they managed to paint on the sheep. I'm impressed with leaving the number three out. Very clever. I'm really impressed that the French teacher passed. How frightened of... What a day.
1:02:07Rosie Ramsey:Who's frightened of sheep? well I think it's a fear so in my head all I'm doing is I'm picturing them sheep running around my school because I don't know what any other school looks like I just know what my school looked like oh that would have been class imagine imagine that man that would have been it would have been mint it would have been shit everywhere it would have been oh there would have been shitting for England so exciting so exciting sheep on the loose at school we know what it was like when a dog came in how are man mental mental it was even more mental when it was someone's dog who was at the school.
1:02:41Rosie Ramsey:Hey, that's my dog! Miss, hey, that's my dog! Because I lived just over the road. Dogs just come to see them. So jealous. I think we've talked about it before, but I was always so jealous of the person I lived over the road from the school. Yeah. Oh, I just walked out and straight back in. I know, I know. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Anna May 2 lived on the street of the school. Oh, God, that's the dream. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba! Hey, Rosie and Chris. Long-time listener and also raging, Chris doesn't have a Belfast show on his tour. But hey. Tried, genuinely tried, tried very, very hard. It's just the rooting and the, you know, if it's, I tried for the day before or the day after Dublin.
1:03:17If you'll actually look on me tour, there's a day off the day after Dublin where I tried to get a Belfast in, but it wouldn't work.
1:03:24Rosie Ramsey:Was it there as book? Availability, just wasn't available. Just watching this week's podcast. Yes, I watch now, well done. The audacity of it. And hearing Rosie say they used to lock their teacher in a cupboard reminded me of an old art teacher we had. She used to weirdly teach with her eyes closed. A habit we never fully got to the bottom of. But as we got older GCSE and A-level we loved seeing her on the timetable because as the last lesson went on one by one we would try and sneak out of the room until she noticed something was going. Go and fuck off. It was always a fight for the chair closest to the door to be the first out and pop into the common room or the computer suite and pretend you had a free period.
1:04:05Rosie Ramsey:Wow. So it's probably just one of these. That might be it. a confidence thing it's a thinking thing as well do you think do you ever do that when you're trying to get a word out and you shut your eyes maybe yeah I think a lot of people shouldn't be teachers right do you never do that do you never like try and think of something like yeah
1:04:30Rosie Ramsey:ridiculous did you see us did I get away no the stupidest thing I can't believe I played along actually for those listening I closed my eyes and he ran away Did you know I was going to do it? When I was at college, we had a teacher, and more so my friend Catherine. I did a couple of times, but she used to. She all the time used to crawl out the lesson and just fuck off. Crawl? Crawl. What lesson? It was English literature. How? I don't know. He just wasn't really paying that much attention, and she would just crawl out. I did it a couple of times. What about when the door opened? Door was open.
1:05:05Rosie Ramsey:What if a teacher was walking past? Yeah, okay, well, turn around now. Just turn around. Turn around and you're talking and you're teaching the class and you're looking at the wall. The wall of the blackboard.
1:05:20Winter, what are you doing on the floor? Get up.
1:05:23Rosie Ramsey:So it can be done. It can't be done. I saw you. It was done. I'm telling you right now. I crawled out of his lesson a couple of times. And it was honestly... Right, two seconds. It was freeing. Stop the podcast there. guys we've got her we've finally got her she's just admitted it come on in here's your teacher you might not recognise here he is she admitted it thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shagmary Annoyed and also thank you to all of you who have listened to Please Keep Me Anonymous and watched and watched and watched I can't keep up there's so many different mediums and ways to digest whatever the fuck this is I'm sick of doing your tan.
1:06:08Sick of doing your tan. Brilliant. Thank you so much for watching. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being a part of it. If you want to get in touch with anything at all, it is shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com. And don't forget, there's still some tickets for my tour, which starts next year. Ramping up now, doing work in progress shows, getting very excited. Stockton and Manchester were just added. A few tickets left for some other ones, but it's basically nearly sold out, so be quick.
1:06:29Rosie Ramsey:I can't wait, because my mum's coming to stay with us loads. Excellent. My mum and Kate are taking turns to stay with us. I don't like being by myself. Fair enough. Which is nice because Sandra makes tea. Very good. And we'll be back in your ears and your vile, repulsive little eye sockets next week. Bye. Bye. The right window treatments change everything. Your sleep, your privacy, the way every room looks and feels. At Blinds.com, we've spent 30 years making it surprisingly simple to get exactly what your home needs. We've covered over 25 million windows and have 50 ,000 five-star reviews to prove we deliver.
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From the publisher
Get ready for some high stakes beef, a intense holiday breakdown and some triggered behaviour off the back of Taco day. The couple discuss fancy dress, some questionable GP equipment and if partners should haves access to a period tracker, thoughts?
All of this plus some brilliant school themed QTFP's!
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