Ikea Role Play , Mouth Breathers and Chris Gets Owned by a Bouncy Castle

25:04Sorry, that's not an answer. Like, you can't go either way on each thing. I feel like that's what I'm doing. Well, I've been trying to do, I mentioned it, I think, last week. I've been trying to drink coffee later and have some water before I have my coffee. Genuinely feel loads better. I'm not as, oh God, it matches your Stanley. Oh, I've just picked up my Stanley cup and my top matches my Stanley. Oh, I like the top again now. It's actually my Stanley. I like the top again now. Carry on. The vial that you just stole out of me, it's so awful. What, this Stanley? awful this is my Stanley great so but also so I'm doing that and I'm like oh my god my depression's gone yeah but also it's spring yeah and the trees are nice and flowers are out and the sun sometimes comes out so I'm like is it the coffee late or is it need depression every year winter comes and you want to move house I know every year winter comes and you go sun comes out fucking flowers come out you go I love this house I'm staying here forever it's honestly as someone with anxiety really hard to live with.

26:04Really you've got us on the edge. I'm on the edge I'm glory I'm glory I'm standing on a moment with you I'm on the edge I've actually got a little bit of a sore voice today because we were rehearsing last night for the show Bandcamp Broadway baby You were rehearsing Bandcamp last night yeah? Any good? Nope. Great. Not Bandcamp. Do you remember that film? I haven't seen that for donkeys. American Pie? American Pie. So I saw a thing recently that said a lot of Gen Z as an experiment watched it and found it incredibly troublesome and offensive. And you know what? Got to agree. Yeah, we were. The stuff we watched.

26:44We were a fucking nuts generation. We were a liability, to be honest with you. I think we were an experiment. I think our generation was just an experiment. Oh my God, Robin called me a boomer the other day. I was fucking raging. It's while watching that thing where that guy, while watching that thing on YouTube where that guy was showing around that ridiculous house in Colorado. Oh, yeah. And we whinged about the electric blinds and he went, oh, it's called technology, boomer. I was like, yeah, I will fucking... Oh, yeah, it said, we've got like three Velux windows in our house that are just permanently shut because they're fucking...

27:14No, I hate it. Yeah. Hate it, hate technology. I'd rather have a long pole. Take me back. Take me back, Lord. Ironically, most astronauts of NASA would also rather have a long pole. Oh, well, clearly. Yeah, it is. Woomp the... Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. It's time for Watch Your Beef. Watch your beef with me. Watch your beef with me. I'll knock your teeth out before I tell you. I'll beef your teeth out. Ladies first. Go on then. You have let the new bounty castle become part of your personality. And it's extremely upsetting to witness. Right. Right. I had. Right. And I don't use this word lightly.

27:59I had an ordeal yesterday with that bouncy castle. It's been a week. It's been a week-long ordeal. Yeah. And I've had enough. So we discovered those bouncy castles that have the pump. Yeah. And it's like, it's not just, you know. Unbelievable. They're incredible. They're absolutely incredible. You can get them in all shapes and sizes. I know Carl Hutchinson's got one. He put a video of himself. They're a couple hundred quid. We've had ours for about four, five years now. Five years. Yeah. One of them covered in mold and ripped. Had to throw it away. Other one still going strong. But every summer it comes out.

28:30Yeah. Absolutely unbelievable. And I thought, you know what? The kids play on it so much and they're getting bigger. I'll get a new one. That's got it. It's a bit more rigid. It's a bit bigger. My mate described it as Takeshi's Castle, which I was very excited about. We have a lot of children around our house. Yeah. It's the fucking play house. It's great. Yeah. Rosie, we go to the... It's lovely, but we go to the soft play and my kids, my mates' children come up and go, can we go to your house now? And I'm like, you're in a fucking soft play. I know, but... I love that, though. You know what I mean?

28:58Do you know what it is? Love having them out. Dream come true. So, I got the big lad. I got the Takeshi's Castle. Yeah. It's fucking amazing. The kids love it. But we got it out, and the grass was wet when I put it out. It was a nice day, but the grass was wet. And I thought, right, I can't put this away. I can't put this away because the bottom's going to be wet, and it's going to be moldy if you put it away. So I left it out. It fucked it down with hailstone and snow and rain and all kinds for three days. and I spent all day yesterday looking at the weather and going outside and trying to find out when it was going to be a break in the rain for me to inflate them and dry them off and I found the break in the rain and it took me two and a half hours and honestly it aged us about 15 years I know, it was sad, it was sad to watch it was horrible I kept checking on you and I thought it's not it was horrible I was just waiting for the sun to come out for you so I inflated them both but I did them over the trampoline so that I could get some air under the bottom of them, right?

29:58Which was quite clever, yes. And then I waited until they dried and then I turned them over, which was a fucking nightmare, by the way. Literally while they were inflated, I just lifted them and flipped them over like the Hulk. And then let the bottom of them dry and then I found out once I let them deflate and pushed them all down, there was water inside them. Oh God, you're joking. And I couldn't get it out. You're joking. It was horrible. So I had to fold the whole thing up with the pipe things facing the bottom and then I had to fold it in half and I had to hold it like a bear hug and just jump up and down.

30:27I should have jumped them down on the trampoline. I've just realised I should have jumped them down on the trampoline. I just had to jump up and down on the patio and let all the water out and then fold them out again. I didn't see that bit, thank God. So I was just holding it and just jumping them down like that like I was humping it. So the thing is, when are you going to get them out again? Never. Right, well we didn't have this problem with the little ones. They're never coming out again. They are never coming out again. I'm telling you right now, it needs to be bone dry floor and no rain.

30:51Well then what was the point? what the point is I made an error again another thing we should move like I love what the fuck no I love the northeast right but it's just it's just never that hot nah it's exhausting it's horrible it's cold man I love the place I love the people but the weather's so shit nah but honestly you know what it is right no I'm gonna go the other way I will get them things out again the bouncy casters out again but I'm not gonna worry about them getting mouldy again I'm just gonna fucking put them away maybe that's the thing yeah I'm not gonna let them own us you know what I'm going to go on record now the fucking mould from The Last of Us could happen on them bouncy castles and I don't care okay don't let it own you I'm not going to let it own us because I had a terrible day yesterday because this is what happens is I had to have a shower an actual shower the upsetting thing is is that sometimes in the summer we'll have a drink and stuff and I know in the back of your head you're just thinking about them bouncy castles I know I've got to put them out and I get bitten when I'm doing it oh god something bites us something in the grass or something okay but I mean the kids do love it they do love it I said to you once when I was watching them I think it was last year I was like this is core memories it is core memories it's core yes and I'm a dad I've just got to take it on the chin and just put the fucking bouncy castles away that's what I've got to do you'll not be doing it I don't blame you I'll take that on the chin thank you I'll add it to the list of stuff I do around here you can I wish I'm busy compiling because I'm busy masters on here the other day and I didn't have anything but it's coming oh is that why you let me have a lion this morning see this is you fucker you fucker you little fucker.

32:22It's called currency. I took it like a chub. What's your beef with me? My beef with you. But I've been delightful so I don't even know how you did. I've genuinely, I think my whole personality's changed with this coffee thing. You're having your coffee 15 minutes later on a morning. Half an hour. Half an hour. Oh, sorry. Half an hour. And a glass of water. You are, yeah, you are a lot better as a person. Listen, Listen, you were, I walked in the front room the other night, and you were extremely cagey and defensive, so you know you were in the wrong. You were eating breadsticks dipped in a little, God knows how old, pot of McDonald's sweet curry sauce.

33:09Yes. And I said, are you dipping breadsticks in McDonald's sweet curry sauce? And you were like, yeah, I'm one of it. And I was like. The pig noise was unnecessary. everybody heard that that was that's a hate crime the pig pig noise are you actually joking me sorry for the big knife I thought I would have got away with that oh you were like and then it was breadsticks dipped in sweet curry it was just the way you did it you had the breadsticks I don't see an issue and you were just holding your little thing and you were just bloody lovely it was just upsetting and you got so immediately defensive I was like she knows that this is rotten behaviour it was not rotten what's wrong with breadsticks nope you just can't You just don't enjoy your snack.

34:07You have not got the imagination to make yourself a snack. That's why you get so jealous of me because I can go in them cupboards, right? I cannot have been to the shops for three days, four days. You are mixing your words up. You're mixing your words up here. That is not imagination. That is desperation. A breadstick dipped in fucking a sachet of McDonald's sweet curry sauce. I honestly loved it. Sweet curry isn't actually my favourite. Sweet and sour is my favourite. But I... Desperate. Hey. I have to strongly disagree Would you have them dipped in the sweet and sour? Sweet and sour? Would you dip them in ketchup?

34:41No Would you dip them in barbecue? Yeah Would you dip them in garlic? Yes I dip it My favourite is mint sauce actually You're such a fucking condiment slag I love condiment Did you see last night I had my tea without anything? God it was so depressing It was awful It was horrible I'm so sad because I've decided that wine and condiments are why I can't lose weight. Right. So that I'm trying to cut out the condiments. I will never give a wine. But last night, so I made salmon, salmon with boiled potatoes and like veg, which I genuinely, like, that's not a sad, that's a lovely dinner for me. Like, I really, not for you.

35:23Did you have the pizza later on? I had a cheese toast. I had a cheese toast about now. I was like, fuck this. No, that's a, but I didn't have any mayonnaise. I didn't have any do you know that bloody dill the dill and mustard sauce that I get filth I think it's fentanylens or something anyway I didn't have any of that and it was horrible I had a horrible time well done thank you very well done proud of you do you want to retract the pig noise that you did earlier on because that was really upsetting no I'd like to double down on the pig noise great good for you in fact no I'm going to I'm going to redo the scene and I'm going to add some more noises in Rosie is that what you eat and you farted as well and then you burped and then you shit yourself and you were sick all over your tits

36:14Chicago talks a lot hold on let me step over here people are talking too much we debate about food deep dish tavern style who's got the best beef we yell across rooms across blocks across generations Yes, nice earrings, Grammy. And now we're doing it on our phones, too. Video calls from the L train, group chats that never shut up. Neighbors texting you the score before your TV catches up. Get a load of this guy. Ketchup on a dog. Yeah, we've got thoughts. Because nothing here gets built without conversation. Nothing moves without connection. So if you think you know AT &T, it might be time to rethink that.

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38:21As always if you'd like to get in touch Via email for a story Or anything like that A long form written correspondence It's shagmarriedannoyed at gmail.com If you would like to get in touch Via the whatsapp message system To send a voice note That number is 07874406650 that's 07874406650 bloody love you getting in touch whatever it is however it is that you do it thank you yes our Daisy has sent some wonderful voice notes through so here we go I've not heard these hello Rosie and Chris I have a question for the public and it is actually a question so my absolute dickhead ex who was really horrible um really nasty and quite not very nice um so we broke up last july and i've discovered that he's been using my tesco club card um qr code the entire time to get money off now the question i have is should i change the qr code just so that i have the knowledge that at some point he's going to go in and try and use it and the smug horrible look will be wiped off his face because he won't get his discount of his bottle of rum or should i just carry on letting him get me points oh that is a no that is a fucking dilemma get the points yes but he's getting money off yeah but get the points what if he can can he spend the points could he claim the points no i No, I don't know.

40:09Ooh. And she knows it's rum as well because she can check what's being purchased. All right, okay. But then you want a clean break, don't you? You do, but so if she... You know when people have got dogs together, I'm like... This is even more important in my opinion. So if there is a way that he can never spend those points at all and she will be in full control of them and he can't access the account or spend them points or use them points for anything, If he can just keep getting his discount and you're accumulating her the points, I say keep letting it. Absolutely, I agree. I say keep letting him do it.

40:45But then also, every time she sees something pop up in her emails or something, she'll think of him and then you don't want that. Maybe. Okay, then maybe it's not worth it. Maybe you get your clean break for your mental health and you get to know that he now has to pay full whack for whatever it is he's buying. Yeah. Love a point incentive. Yeah. Of Supermarcus. Thank you, Supermarcus. Because honestly, it's nice to get a little bit back, isn't it? No. And this isn't an ad. This is not an ad that's, you know, meant to be all brilliant. Tesco, what you've got there, that's a fucking great advert.

41:14Stick that on the telly. Oh, my God. That's a great advert. Your ex is still using it, but I still get the points, and he gets the money off. Oh, well, they're bygones. That's a hell of an advert. That's how you advertise. Maybe so could come up with a system where you could just have all of your exes. On your club card. On your club card. Right. Ex-club card. Snub club card. Bab-a-do, bab-a-do, bab-a-do, ba. I've heard stuff on the podcast about like dominatrixes and people who do like financial dominatrix and I think the general feeling is like it's like money for old rule but I got the opportunity to do it and I always thought it was the best job possible but I was on a dating app and there was this guy and he he said it was that he wanted to invest in financial domination so he would be the submissive and then I would be the one financially dominating I would never have to meet him I certainly wouldn't have to do any sexual favours I would just need to basically treat him like shit I'd get all of his passwords and his logins and I could like transfer money whenever I wanted and I sort of had to control every aspect of his life and I wasn't sure like if I could do it because it's not really my style but I thought well you know it's money I was talking about trying to make sure if it was like real and and that and he says oh he says I don't really have much in the way of family and friends because my mom's just died and she's left her house to us but i'm gonna sell the house to fund this um this fetish that i'm wanting to look into and i was just like oh god love him i don't know if i can be nasty to him so i was like all right well we'll try it for a bit i says don't give me any passwords or anything we'll try and i'll just try to be like nasty with you so i tried a couple of times i've sent them a few messages and that and oh you're a dickhead and all that stuff and one of the aspects of it that he wanted us to do was tell him what to do and control his everyday life i remember when i realized i couldn't do it after this story that he told us about having no friends and family and he was selling his mom's house and oh god i felt so sorry for him he messages and says oh um would it be okay if I get a chippy dinner on my way home tonight.

43:30And I just said, go on, pet, you deserve it. It's not in me style, and I don't know if it's maybe like, I would say it's a Northeastern thing, but I think I know people who could be fucking horrible to them. But I was just like, of course, you can have a chippy, like, cool lad. It's not. So what I'm saying basically is the domination thing, the dominatrix thing is not for everyone. It might seem dead easy, and occasionally there will be things that are easy but it wasn't for me. I learned a lesson that day, week. That's fucking amazing. That's so interesting. Imagine me message back going, oh for fuck's sake, you meant to tell us no?

44:14Oh yeah, I'd call us a fat pig for fuck's sake. Oh for fuck's sake. Yeah, send him my way. Send him my way. Again, he just needs to get married if he needs all this. oh god but why does he want he's clearly going through enough why is he wanting to be shit on again he's got obviously bless him he's got something up with him but that is I love I just love the idea that she's accidentally like the first time she was like e god love him I love the idea I was just talking he's like e god love you I mean you fucking wank at you like oh bless her oh bless can I get a chippy tea no you fucking can't go home is that what he wanted so he wanted like no go to the fucking supermarket now buy some cat food go home open it with a fucking screwdriver and a hammer not a fucking can opener I could do this not a can opener and eat it with the lid like fold the lid in half I could easily do it get them on the phone yeah I know I was going to say you could do it easy eat it open it with a screwdriver and a hammer which is if anyone's done it is the can you remember when we lived in a bungalow the one story glory and I was trying to open some beans sausage and beans with a hammer and a screwdriver it's the worst thing ever it's terrible I thought you were going to take your face off.

45:22I thought I was going to take your fingers off, yeah. So I wouldn't do well with that because I'd message back saying, why are you asking me? Oh, well, there you go. Maybe that's what you want. I'd say, why the fuck are you asking me? If you're hungry, go and get some chips. I don't care. I'm busy. Here's one then. So he wants you to - If you rang me and you were like, can I go get a chippy tea? I'd be like, I don't give a shit. You do hate me asking anything. I just hate anyone asking questions. I'm like - Well, then, so here's my point. What did I say to you? I say, if I was dead, what would you do?

45:49And I know that's a really awful thing to say but I would just literally I would probably serve food at the party. Oh that I hate to talk about memes but I can't think stop thinking about that video that I sent you didn't I? Which one? It was like a green screen of like just loads of buffet food and some bloke eating a sandwich and being like British people 45 minutes after their family members Yeah yeah yeah just scrambling just at a buffet why do we do that? It is mad that we do that. rank. Everybody come here. It's not just British people. They do all of Europe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Minging. Wow.

46:26And how about you have a party with everyone at the worst day of your entire life? I'm married for a week, me like. I think it does cheer everyone up. Does it? I've been in a funeral recently where I think, you know, the people who are cheered up after us to see everyone and you see everyone comes and talks about how, you know, hey, look at that. It's always great turnout, isn't it? Fair enough. You've done it again. You've turned comedy into sadness. he has me point with this Dominator X fella it's as if I'm just a person with an opinion you shouldn't be great he has me yes back to Dom would he love it like so you you're a next level of fuck off like he wants someone to control his life and be a twat to him but you'd be like stop fucking asking us do whatever you want stop asking us you're doing me titsing would he like that even more or is that not what he specifically wants well who knows but he's picked he's obviously he needs to get better she's like the nicest woman ever but she's like, eh, no, you've had a really bad day.

47:18Have a chippy. Go on, go on. Hey, get yourself a stotty as well. Use your mum's house money because that's what she would have wanted you to have. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. I haven't had a chip butty for years. Oh. Chip butty with gravy and loads of vinegar. Nah. Chip butty, me mate used to get chip butties with garlic sauce. Oh, from Gills? Chip butties with garlic sauce from Gills. Oh, God, I could die. Filth. Oh. Absolute filth. I'm talking about so much garlic sauce that you wake up at three in the morning and have to put your head under the fucking tap. Oh, God, I'm starving. That was me, sorry, that was me.

47:47Mortar-boating me. Garlic sauce. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Hope you and the boys are both well. Hello, we are. Thank you. For a long time, I didn't think I had a good enough story for the podcast. Despite sitting on the story of my uni housemate who took a shit on a random person's doorstep, all the events that resulted in me jumping out of a moving taxi, pretending I was James Bond. Nice. Until a recent girls weekend away provided me with a perfect, smar-worthy tale. Here we go. My friends and I were sat around the kitchen table discussing all sorts, in brackets, girls weekends away now also include 5 to 18 month old babies.

48:26So wine is drunk considerably quicker so we can all have an early night. Oh my God, yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yes. I went away with the girls a couple of years ago and we were in, on the first night we were in bed by 10 o 'clock. Yeah. Because we drank on the way there and it was just like. Rosie, I'm going on a golf trip in a couple of weeks' time with my mates and we tee off every day in Spain at 10 o 'clock in the morning. And I was talking to my mate the other day and I was literally like, mate, I'm going to have to have a nap in the afternoon. I was like, I'm not playing golf. They're like, oh yeah, we'll go straight around the pool afterwards for beers.

48:59I was like, you'll get me around the pool for half an hour, I'll have a beer and then I'll be going for a sleep. It's different in the sun. You might see how you feel. You'd be surprised. Okay, well, good for you. One of my friends, let's call her Sophia, suddenly told us she had a story about another friend. Leaning closer, we listened in. She proceeded to tell us that her friend went on a night out with Sophia and some other girls, but didn't wear her wedding ring. Instant alarm bells ringing, but you know, each to their own, whatever. Sophia said it was so she could flirt with other men and have drinks bought for her.

49:36As their night continued, Sophia and her friends got drunker and drunker until said friend disclosed that she always took back a random guy back to the house to have sex with. What? We were shocked. Shook. All right. I always thought I was quite liberal, but perhaps not. This woman had two young children and a husband. What the fuck? The friend then continued to say that when she got home, her husband liked to watch them engage in sexual acts when they were in the bedroom. This happened every time she went out. My question for you both is, and this is still unanswered from Sophia, where did the husband stand or did he sit like some creepy serial killer?

50:18It's called cooking, isn't it? Cooking. Cookhold, I think you're a cookhold if you just watch. Yeah. Did he hide in the wardrobe? Did he join in? when did she tell the guy she was bringing home that she was married with children do the mind of the children watch not the children Jesus Christ do the mind if the husband watches I'm so sorry no it's just a slip it's fine but you didn't mean that because it says here where were the children but I'm imagining I don't think they're going to be in I'm hoping they're out sleeping out let's hope okay how many times was the change in the sheet each week please help so So my first, can I just tell you my first thing on this, right?

50:59What, and this is kind of a bit further down. What if she went out and didn't pull? Would he be like annoyed? Probably. Oh, fucking hell. I've got to shag you, have I? You're joking, aren't you? I've got work in the morning. Cry you. You literally shagging. You lazy. Yeah. Good for nothing, bitch. One job. One job. You're telling me, I've got to shag you and not one bloke on that night I want to do. And I've got to settle for you, maybe. Yes, you ring back. That is so awful. I know. Right, so first of all, at what point in the proceedings does she tell the person she's pulled that, you know, is he just hiding in the room somewhere?

51:43We talked about this. We talked about... I have talked about it on here. The guy who used to... I'm going to say it again in case anyone's forgotten. it you've definitely forgot it the guy who someone told me about a guy who used to do this he used to like to watch his wife having sex with other men and he used to watch in the wardrobe oh yeah in the wardrobe there was a stool and he stood on the stool and he put his head through a hole in the top of the wardrobe but on top of the wardrobe on the whole was a racing helmet like a motorbike helmet and he used to call him the stick awful and so he would watch so do you actually know someone who does this i know someone who knows the guy i wonder if it's this person don't know There's millions of them.

52:23I know. Okay, fair enough. It's not one guy. There's millions of the fuckers. So his wife would be having sex with someone. Yeah, but he put the hole in the wardrobe to watch the helmet. Normal wardrobe. There's a hole in the top of the wardrobe to put his head through. But he's not just poking his head out of the top of the wardrobe because that would be mental. There's a motorbike helmet there. So it just looks, to all intents and purposes, if you didn't know he was there, it would just look like a motorbike helmet I'm going to say something crazy here. Yeah? And I don't often stick up for men.

52:53Right. Because it's usually tiddlers and we know this, right? Right. But I feel really sorry for the bloke in that situation. Which bloke? The bloke who's gone home with the woman. Yeah. And then not knowing that some other bloke's watching through a helmet. I'd, like, you are a man who used to have one night stands. How would you feel? Awful. First of all. Would you mind? Would you carry on or would you stop? Genuinely. I don't think I'd be able to do it. I do not think I'd be able to do that. Lie on here. No, I genuinely don't. I genuinely don't. I can't piss when someone's standing behind me.

53:24I know. Yeah. No. Again. I'd be fuming if some lass was just there. Just like, I'd be like, who are you? Yeah. At what point does the woman tell, because she's not wearing her wedding ring. So at what point, or is that just for the initial bit? And is it like, oh, will you come back by the way my husband likes to watch? All right, I'm up for that. Or, oh no, sorry, I thought we had a connection. You're married. I'm devastated. Well, I guess I don't, We'll never know that. It's fucked up, man. Aye. Isn't it mad, isn't it? I find it weird, people who would like to just watch that. I couldn't think of anything worse.

53:54How far? We've been married now. Nearly 11. Is it 12 years this year? Who gives a shit? No, but like, when does it happen? Are we going to get to this? Er, no. I'm not cutting it. I've just put them IKEA wardrobes up. I'm not cutting all of them on top of them. You've got fucking no chance. No chance. You would, I, you would not enjoy watching me have sex with someone. I would not enjoy watching you have sex with someone. I would be fuming and I'm not even that much of a jealous person but I'd be raging I can't imagine it being nice yeah it's for well listen are we are we insecure are we insecure maybe are you like the ultimate secure with yourself person if you can do that maybe maybe it's us yeah I remember I watched a documentary about porn stars are we the monsters you know in the documentary so Channel 5 would have random documentaries about porn stars on stuff and I remember like I remember there was a female there was a female porn star i just remembered the guy's name i can't remember i still remember it there's a female porn star and she was literally like getting interviewed and they were on set it might even be in a louis through you know and she's obviously incredibly fit like in a kind of bobby doll kind of way don't you know a figure yeah and she's having sex with this porn star guy who's just like looks like an action man just muscly and fucking massive and that and she was like oh yeah and then this is my boyfriend and our boyfriend came to all of and he had like a tank top on and a cap and glasses.

55:16And I remember his name was Skeeter. Okay. It's my boyfriend Skeeter. Skeeter was like, oh, I'll just come and watch. And I remember thinking, oh. Skeeter. So she's having sex with these like really incredibly masculine like porn star guys. And then she's just got this like really fucking strange bloke with her called Skeeter. That's their job though, isn't it? They very much see it as their job. I imagine. They don't see it as sex. I imagine Skeeter's not. Zero connection. I imagine Skeeter's not sniffing around for sex when she gets home is the point that I'm trying to make here. So she's gone with someone completely.

55:48So I don't know, maybe Skeeter in this story, Sophia Skeeter. Looks can be deceiving. You don't know. Maybe. Anyway, each to their own. It's interesting to talk about though, isn't it? For us boring bastards. And Skeeter's a great name. Brings a bit of imagination. What's it called? I don't know. Adventure? That's what I meant. Yeah. Well, I'm all right for it. Just so you know, I'm all right for it. Oh, I'm fat. And if you fucking touch them wardrobes, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'll kill you. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Please keep me anonymous. Always. I wanted to share a story about a Tinder date I've been on recently.

56:21Get in. Tinder dates. Yeah. It's been a while. I met up with a guy for a drink and we got along pretty well. So we ended up having dinner too. Oh, that's good. Oh. That's good. The way you wanted to go. Oh, that's quite nice. So, oh, just for a drink. Actually, I'm hungry. Do you want to get some food? Yeah. Nice. Progression. Yeah. Oh, actually, do you want to come back? My husband's in the wardrobe. Oh, too far. Okay, maybe not. Bye. Not for you. I didn't really think I could see it going anywhere, but I thought he was pretty attractive and maybe we could just have a bit of fun. So we got all excited then, but...

56:54Also, we're not going to the wedding. Not happening. So a few days later, I had him over to my apartment at about eight slash nine for a drink. Before we had even kissed, he had invited himself to stay over. Thought it was a bit strange, but I took it as a sign that he was keen to have sex. So I went with it because obviously she's a consenting adult. And did he already have the condom on? Did he put it on before he left as you should? Or was he going to go rogue and put it on at the house? Gross. One thing led to another and we ended up kissing and moving into my bedroom. Heavens. I excused myself to use the bathroom and when I came out he was in his undies getting into bed like he was going to sleep.

57:34I made a few jokes about me being an Airbnb and got into bed with him. When I got in bed with him he told me that he didn't want to have sex. I was really confused by this point and wondering why he'd stayed over. Right. Just after having that conversation he starts to get things going with me. I had no idea what was happening but thought maybe he'd changed his mind. Right. Things were going well and we were both really worked up. When the time came for him to actually go inside me to my surprise he didn't take his underpants off. He proceeded to dry fuck me with his underpants on. I would describe it like dry humping, but instead of some rubbing action, he was actually banging his pelvis against mine like he was having sex with me.

58:18He even changed positions like you usually would. For anyone looking on, it looked like full-blown sex, minus the fact that his dick was still very much inside of his underwear. Sorry, for those of you listening, my jaw is wide open. Very rarely am I speechless. Carry on. I think dry humping when you're young is actually arid it's quite like it has it's time don't you think but like not if people start moving around in positions I'd be like what's going on so yeah what's he doing what's he think he's filming a fucking Hollywood movie like what yeah the beginning bit yeah well just they don't have sex do they they just protect even in the most ridiculously filthy ones they've got a flesh guard thing on and they're just slapping against each other's bits like you said like dry hopping as a place it's when you're it's when you're a genius when it's when sex isn't an option it's like you know either you're not ready or either you know parents are downstairs or whatever when you're younger i think it's got a place in life but when sex is fully on the cards yeah it's a bit it's a bit confusing um once i realized that for him this was the main event and he wasn't taking his pants off i called it off by this point i was extremely confused sexually frustrated and so oh bless you the whole situation was just so strange we fell asleep oh you let him fucking stay how did he fall asleep next to someone who's just but he doesn't sleep on the bed though he's not sleeping on the bed no no no he stands at the corner and leans against the wall yeah yeah he's not getting on the bed you can't get on the bed to sleep what are you doing that's too much no no no no pajamas in a packet he just holds them and he just leans against the wall fucking psycho why are these people letting me sleeping is really is really an intimate thing the next morning he got in the car he put the key in he turned the car engine on just to take the handbrake off opened the door pushed his car home there's going to be loads of these by the way pushed his car home you know when he brushed his teeth stop stop his mind I still don't know why he didn't want to have sex properly maybe he had an STI maybe he just enjoys dry fucking I will never know I would love you I would love to know your thoughts about the whole situation because it still confuses me.

1:00:39Some extra details for context. I'm 30 and he was 34. Neither of us orgasmed. How could you? And I never spoke to him again. You let him sleep. You slept next to this person. You would say, oh, yeah, leave. Please, please leave. That's so fucking weird. And even, correct me if I'm wrong, I'm out of practice of STIs. I don't think you can catch them with condoms, can you? unless it's like I don't unless it unless it rips or something but then you go well look I'm not I'm not fucking staying over I'm not you wouldn't I think correct me if I'm wrong if you've got an STI let's not go on the pull yeah let's wait until let's not go to someone's house let's wait until the antibiotics have kicked in or let's just say we'll have some dinner and a bit of kiss and then I'll see you later is it that thing of like is he playing a game where it's like oh so just don't make sure you hold it back that time and then they're like gagging for it the next time.

1:01:34But it's like, come on, dude. Awful. Come on. When you're in your 30s, you know if you want to have sex or not. In your 30s, yeah. To be okay. I think the whole impressing people. Yeah. No. Yeah, you should be fully informed. That's so weird. When I was talking about dry home and I was talking, you know. Parents are downstairs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck me. It's so odd. It's great, isn't it? It's so odd. She should have known though because you know when they were having the dinner, he was just opening his mouth and just throwing the food over his shoulder. stop stop

1:02:09my fucking wall our wall was covered in bolognese still let him sleep still let him sleep still let him sleep mad mad so he shits in the bin next to the toilet stop stop stop

1:02:24babadoo babadoo babadoo ba do do do do do thank you so much for listening and watching this week's episode of Shagman and I will be back next Friday. We will indeed thank you so, so much for listening and being part of this wacky, wacky doodah little world. As always, if you want to get in touch at shagmarynaudigmail.com for long-form written correspondence and 07874406650 for your awesome voice notes. Please keep them coming. We absolutely love it. Love hearing from you. Thank you so, so much. Back in your years next week. Bye. Bye. Bye.

1:03:02Thank you.