Liberating hand towels on tour, Talk Radio and The Rosie Ramsey Guide to Sex

3:46Carl Hutchinson:I think they'd rip you the shreds on LBC. And I'd give all my opinions. As with Geordie. listen, this is the crack, right? This is what they need to do to fix this. It'll be like, everyone just switch over for five minutes while this idiot talks.

3:57Rosie Ramsey:I hate to say this. I've never heard of Geordie on there yet.

4:00Carl Hutchinson:I'm not surprised.

4:01Rosie Ramsey:It's very, well, it's very London.

4:02Carl Hutchinson:We'll keep ourselves to ourselves. We're simple people. I know. You know?

4:07Rosie Ramsey:Well, I did when I went to my Pilates the other week. I'd had my headphones in and I went in to put my shoes in that and I was like, oh, I'm just listening to like a news podcast. And the majority of the women there were like, oh God, oh God, no. So we all just bury our head in the sand.

4:22Carl Hutchinson:Just a little rewind there, just to sum your life up now. You're listening to the news podcast at LBC and you're going and doing Pilates.

4:28Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. I told you... Are you a 55-year-old divorced Hollywood wife?

4:32Carl Hutchinson:A what? What? Hollywood wife? I wish.

4:34Rosie Ramsey:No, I told you when you were on tour, I'm not doing much.

4:38Carl Hutchinson:Yeah. Lady of leisure.

4:39Rosie Ramsey:So that's basically my life now. Good. Yeah.

4:42Carl Hutchinson:Congratulations. Yeah. Well done.

4:44Rosie Ramsey:But the turnaround to get the kids to and from school, it's fucking horrible.

4:47Carl Hutchinson:Oh, oh. You can't do it.

4:49Rosie Ramsey:And then I'm nuts, right? So I can't, like, if I've got to go get the kids for half three and I've got to leave for, like, ten to three or whatever, I can't do anything after 12 o 'clock.

4:59Carl Hutchinson:I understand. You've just got to sit and wait. Yeah. So I do it with my head. I'll go, like, I go, I sometimes do it even worse. I go, like, I've got to get the kids at, say, like, half three, right? So it's, like, half ten now, right? But that's basically midday. And then that's, like, one, two, three. I've got to go now.

5:13Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. I'm ill. I'm ill. I can't do anything.

5:15Carl Hutchinson:I've got to go this minute. I know. I can't

5:17Rosie Ramsey:these people who squeeze things in at every step of their day I'm so envious

5:22Carl Hutchinson:sometimes I can do that because you'll go like how are you going to make it for that and I go look I'll make it and I'll bum bum bum but sometimes I absolutely can't I go and if someone goes like oh should we have a meeting we'll have a zoom or we need to have someone at work we'll go we'll have that meeting like at half eleven or something on a Monday I'm like oh can we not just do like can we do half eight I'm on the way back from the school and I'll chat to you and then I've got my day but half eleven's a fuck that's a right kick in the arse

5:46Rosie Ramsey:I know but what you've got to remember is most people are in an office we don't have that life we don't have that office life anyway

5:56Carl Hutchinson:listen it is time speaking of work it's time to pay them bills it is time for this week's Luke Responsible first thank you so much for listening thank you so much for watching if you are them subscribers are creeping up on YouTube are going to get the little plaques

6:06Rosie Ramsey:you haven't actually seen

6:08Carl Hutchinson:a couple of years time I'll get that plaque that 100 ,000 plaque for Robin just rub it in his face thank you for watching thank you for listening please subscribe and all of that stuff. And again, we just love that you're listening. The fact that we're up at the top of them comedy charts every single week is, it's still mind blown. It really is. Joe's blown my mind recently.

6:26Chris Ramsey:What?

6:27Carl Hutchinson:I think I haven't been on tour for so long. Now that I'm on tour, I have some moments when I'm on stage and I'm saying me stories. Jokes. They're jokes, jokes. You know, I'm not like, what happened to the, but the jokes.

6:40Rosie Ramsey:Why did the chicken cross the road? You don't have none of that, do you?

6:43Carl Hutchinson:If you know me style, it's jokes weaved into a story and you know I'm just taking the piss where you're just chatting away

6:48Rosie Ramsey:it's all made up it's all fake none of it's real

6:50Carl Hutchinson:well there's video evidence at the end of this one so I think they're fine so I am I have like an out of body moment sometimes where I'm like eh I'm I'm standing here chatting and these people are like there's thousands of them here and they're just listening and laughing it's mental what still still it doesn't leave I don't know if anyone else does you're coming up

7:12Rosie Ramsey:for your 20 year anniversary

7:14Carl Hutchinson:I've nearly been doing comedy for 20 years and I still can't believe me fucking luck. And I'm not saying that to try and sound like humble or anything like that. Because anyone who knows this personally knows I'm a right arrogant cunt. But I just... I felt like that when we went on to it.

7:30Rosie Ramsey:Do you remember when we went on to it? There was one of them. I must have been on my period of something. I can't remember. But I remember being on stage and looking out and I didn't see it, but I wanted to see it. What are you saying here?

7:39Carl Hutchinson:Yeah, yeah, there's part of it. I go, are you fucking... I've got no better day. It's really odd. But I think that comes from quite a healthy dose of self-disbelief. Of like, what am I thinking? What's the word I'm looking for? It's not self-belief. There's self-belief and there's self-doubt. There it is. It's not self-disbelief. Well, I think everyone has a bit.

7:59Rosie Ramsey:Unless you're a raging narcissist and you expect people to be there and you expect people to chant in your name and blah, blah, blah, blah, then you're obviously going to have that. But I'm glad you're having a nice time.

8:09Carl Hutchinson:I am. But listen, it is time for this week's... Poxy's a very upsetting word. Poxy's a great word. A great word, but very, very upsetting. It's like last week when Kev called us a drip. Poxy and a drip.

8:23Rosie Ramsey:That really upset you?

8:23Carl Hutchinson:It was just a really cutting word. Poxy is used a lot on LBC. Really? Because it's a swear without a sway, isn't it? Very Only Fools and Horses, that. Poxy. Anyway, it is time for this week's lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is... the genuine moments of fear while sitting eating in a city centre takeaway restaurant of thinking it gets burgled every five minutes because a man walks in with a balaclava on.

8:51Rosie Ramsey:Oh, right. Deliver it. Right.

8:54Carl Hutchinson:It's fucking really unnerving. I'm not from a big city centre. Because they've got a big bag. The balaclavas are fucking bicycle, motorbike helmets. Like literally, I'm sitting in Five Guys in Leeds, right? And every couple of minutes someone comes in and I just expect them to go, put the money in the fucking bag and it's not it's a delivery it's just a delivery of course it is

9:14Rosie Ramsey:because they've just come off their base

9:15Carl Hutchinson:but I obviously don't do you know what I mean the only five guys I go to at home is the one in the metro centre or you know of any other places like Nando's and that and it doesn't obviously it's not as busy it doesn't happen as much and I kept I turned to Carla I went mate I keep thinking well you're unnerved properly properly unnerved like every time they come in but it's mint obviously it's busy and people are just must be mint just like we could never do that where we live to just go on your phone and go I'll have a five guys to live at my house. God almighty. Check your privilege.

9:41Rosie Ramsey:I've seen a video of a lass. For some reason, I've told you this before, my Instagram, my algorithms, it's because I watch them so much, right?

9:48Carl Hutchinson:I'll tell you why my algorithms are fucked in a second. I'll tell you that.

9:51Rosie Ramsey:Right, okay. I'll tell you after the interview.

9:52Carl Hutchinson:You tell me this bit. Right, I can't wait.

9:54Rosie Ramsey:The jingle, I mean. So, I keep watching videos of single women living in city centres and it's like, what I do when I get in from work is a single 30-year-old woman. Right. And I just must, I don't think I realise but I'm going, what like yearning right i'm like lust and i'm like oh god look at this oh god nobody's nobody's jumping on our tits oh not in a sexual way yeah that's not me by the way oh the bouncy castle's home she just comes in has a bath and then this one in n in nyc new york city ordered like sushi and it just looked amazing she was like the best sushi ever and i was like i'm so jealous of your life.

10:35Rosie Ramsey:But then, you know, on the flip side...

10:37Carl Hutchinson:Oh yeah, there'll be a video in 30 Years of a Dying Alone. Look forward to that.

10:39Rosie Ramsey:Well, she would probably watch my life and say, you know, I'm envious of that. So everyone's envious.

10:44Carl Hutchinson:Absolutely fucking naughty. Goodness. You see how I'm on it? Absolutely no chance. Oh God. We had to sit and watch a play this morning. We've put a play on with these Sonic toys. No, there is no chance a woman... There's no chance a single woman in New York City who's ordering sushi and having a bath is going to go, I wish I was watching a five-year-old do a Sonic show. What time was it? It was 10 by 7. 10 by 7 in the morning. 10 by 7. 10 % of the morning. I'm just glad I didn't have to be in the show. Although at one point the characters did break the fourth wall and told us to shut my mouth and then they came over and they actually physically shut my mouth.

11:12Rosie Ramsey:Oh, well, the penguin was threw off me, so that's fun. After he blew his kisses. What a rollercoaster. Hell of a show. Raw, raw.

11:20Carl Hutchinson:Honestly, Edinburgh Fringe, five stars. Great. Definitely watch that. Oh, God.

11:27Chris Ramsey:We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba.

11:43Rosie Ramsey:Jingle. Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged, Married, Annoyed.

11:51Carl Hutchinson:Hello, I'll tell you why I'm going to jump straight and I'll tell you why my algorithm's fucked. Carl Hutchinson keeps sending me videos of manky people drunk in Benidorm, right?

12:01Rosie Ramsey:I don't know if you can say manky people.

12:04Carl Hutchinson:No, they're manky. They are. I'll stand by it. They are. They're minging. That's the point, right? And he keeps sending us these videos. No, just the particular... But right, you say that. You say it's my career. At what point is someone going to get in touch and go, hi, manky person in Benadrome here. I'm offended. They're going to go... Even the manky ones go, well, he's not talking about me.

12:24Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. You're not naming anyone. No, but I'm not showing any photos or videos. I'm just saying they're reprehensible.

12:30Carl Hutchinson:he sends us videos of these people I mean yeah we've all had daft mad nights out but he keeps sending us them and obviously I watch them and my algorithm's gone oh right you're like you're like drunken lunatics and scantily dressed women hammered do you? great oh okay I'm going to have to go on a blocking spree again

12:49Rosie Ramsey:yeah I had to stop watching stuff about the Epstein files because it was just it was too much

12:55Carl Hutchinson:oh yeah you were one step away from the earth's flat the moon landing didn't happen and they were all lizards you are one step away from them. Dip me toe in it. Dip me toe in it.

13:03Rosie Ramsey:I dip me toe in it slightly, but you know.

13:05Carl Hutchinson:Did you dip your toe in it or did you just film yourself dipping your toe in it in a studio and claim that you dipped your toe in it?

13:11Rosie Ramsey:Oh, we'll never know. We'll never know. We'll never know.

13:15Carl Hutchinson:You know when you said that you watch videos of women saying live alone and all that, I thought it was going to be, have you ever seen them once? And I think people, we're at a point now, we're at a mental point with the internet and with views where people put on just absolute bollocks and deliberately wrong things to get views and clicks and engagement. And they put...

13:33Rosie Ramsey:Rage, it's rage beat.

13:35Carl Hutchinson:Right, yeah. That's what it's called. So there's ones that I see sometimes that go like, when I'm in a hotel on my own, when I'm staying in a hotel on my own, a flight attendant taught me to do this. And it's just someone doing like really innocuous. Putting a chair up against the door. No, but I would understand that. But it's like sellotape across the door. Then they draw on the sellotape. Then they cut the sellotape with a bit of knife. Then they put a hair on the floor. and it's like, like and follow for more. And I'm like, what the fuck was that?

14:00Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, they're stupid. They're stupid. But it's because it's money. People get money for views. You get paid for views. What's your job?

14:07Carl Hutchinson:Oh, I confuse people professionally on the internet.

14:10Rosie Ramsey:Well, I was watching loads of stuff. I love spot squeezing videos, right?

14:14Carl Hutchinson:Same.

14:15Rosie Ramsey:And recently, I've got down a little rabbit hole of watching a few. And you know, years ago, you never used to see people's faces. Right.

14:22Carl Hutchinson:Because it was just like a bit of a close up.

14:25Rosie Ramsey:But now, people are fully blown. like like young girls and boys are like watch me squeeze my spots and you know there's sometimes when i i think and don't get me wrong i'm 40 this year and we've been doing this for like close to 10 years or whatever and there's times when i think god what the fuck have i said right yeah of course you know but at the same time whatever own it i don't know if these people in 10 20 years time are going to be like why did i squeeze my spots on the internet do you know what i mean i couldn't agree more yeah it's like porn it's like doing in my opinion it's are you gonna look back and be like why the fuck did i do why did i yeah squeeze i mean i'm watching them

15:06Carl Hutchinson:but all i could think was definitely not yeah definitely same possibly the same ballpark as

15:12Rosie Ramsey:porn definitely not as bad as porn at all but at the same time like it's mad well i know you i know your face where have i seen you yeah oh i i popped my spots on instagram really weird i know and but then part of us thinks it's quite empowering because is it is it x acne stuff nice i would

15:32Carl Hutchinson:have made a fucking fortune if i could film myself doing that would you have felt better if you'd

15:36Rosie Ramsey:have seen people who had acne yes online would it have made you feel so there is that part where i go actually that's quite a positive thing but i just think it's like it's just like if you are just farting online and then 20 years time you've got a family and a really good job i know but like You do it when you're young and stupid, but it's online forever. We didn't grow up in that generation. I just think when these people are in their 40s and they've got a family and there's videos of them online squeezing spots.

16:03Carl Hutchinson:Hindsight's 20-20, isn't it? It is, it is. If you live in a mansion paid for by squeezing spots, then fair enough.

16:09Rosie Ramsey:They've got millions of views. That's why they're doing it. They're doing it because they know how many views it gets. And some of them were shit. I was like, I've watched this full thing, waiting for this. And you've fucking rage-baited this by peeling your little sticker off and there's nothing underneath.

16:23Carl Hutchinson:Listen. Waste of my fucking time. Very important question for you here. Yes. You can only pick one. The other two get deleted forever.

16:32Rosie Ramsey:You're going to... If this is earwax, blackheads and spots, this is going to be very tricky.

16:37Carl Hutchinson:You can only pick four. Right. Sorry, you can only pick one out of four. There's four of them that others get deleted forever.

16:41Rosie Ramsey:Right, go.

16:42Carl Hutchinson:No, you can keep two. Out of four, you can keep two. Okay, go. Okay.

16:44Rosie Ramsey:Right.

16:45Carl Hutchinson:One big pussy boils.

16:48Rosie Ramsey:Cists.

16:48Carl Hutchinson:Like cysts and boils. perfect two some of my favourites blackheads

16:52Rosie Ramsey:also some of my favourites especially around lips

16:54Carl Hutchinson:three awful

16:58Rosie Ramsey:face lips face lips oh my god if people are squeezing spots on their fanny lips then they're gonna really regret that that's a huge

17:06Carl Hutchinson:at least you can't see their face oh yeah

17:10Rosie Ramsey:okay right

17:11Carl Hutchinson:one night stand though I recognise this fanny

17:15Rosie Ramsey:did you just have a lot of

17:16Carl Hutchinson:blackheads on this fanny ear wax getting taken out

17:19Rosie Ramsey:okay so what cysts blackheads

17:21Carl Hutchinson:blackheads earwax ingrown hairs

17:25Rosie Ramsey:oh okay I know

17:26Carl Hutchinson:you can only pick you already know it's easy okay you only pick one all the other the other three get deleted forever

17:35Rosie Ramsey:blackheads oh cysts you've said it now

17:37Carl Hutchinson:you've said it now they've gone cysts have gone blackheads just keep them blackheads blackheads blackheads are my favourite I really enjoy ingrown hairs

17:44Rosie Ramsey:oh I don't

17:45Carl Hutchinson:I do that's when they go that's a big blackhead and it comes out a fucking wire wall and you go That would have been 25 foot long if that had grown.

17:52Rosie Ramsey:Oh, by the way, you know this, don't you? I don't know. You know this about, I've got that little chin hair, that one little black chin hair.

18:00Carl Hutchinson:Right.

18:00Rosie Ramsey:You won't have ever seen it because I do get rid of it.

18:02Chris Ramsey:Right.

18:02Rosie Ramsey:When my eyesight starts to go, you need to tell me if you have better eyesight than me if I've got that black hair.

18:09Carl Hutchinson:Okay.

18:10Rosie Ramsey:Okay? Do not let me walk around these streets with a little horrible monkey black hair poking out my chin. Okay. Right? Okay. I'm going to have to tell the kids.

18:20Carl Hutchinson:no because i keep on top of my mams okay i get you you know because your eyesight does not

18:25Rosie Ramsey:keep as good so if my mom's ever got like a blackhead or a hair i'm like mom wow let's get

18:31Carl Hutchinson:rid of this because my eyesight's all right this is well interesting okay good i've got that look

18:34Rosie Ramsey:for you that's great um listen let it because it's just it always grows it always grows and it's like spiky and black and it's just one hair i hate it i hate it so much can you not just get it whizzed off how do you get it whizzed off well can you not just get it and get the follicle

18:50Carl Hutchinson:taken out i'm sure you can if it's only one hair maybe i don't know why i just keep it i'll do it i've got my kit a drill i'll do it with a drill um to be fair though to that point that you said about the acne thing i think i would have felt better if i'd seen those online because i've told you about the time so all my none of my friends had spots none of them well one oh one did one one had quite bad acne the same as me but nowhere near as bad as mine um and but most of them had like unbelievable skin and it was fucking infuriating and uh one of them came around me house once and he had a spot one spot on his nose just here on the side of his nose uh and he knocked on us and he had his finger on his thing like that and i went you're right he went oh god i've got a spot and i was literally standing there with a fucking face full i went are you for fucking real how bad was it so bad yeah yeah yeah well you can see the scars yeah scars on my cheeks yeah it was really bad really darling yeah character building though i do believe anyone out there who's got really bad acne and suffering from it you know uh it there is more stuff that can be done now and And if you're young, if you're in adolescence, it will go.

19:46Carl Hutchinson:And if it's stayed, there is stuff that can be done. But honestly, I feel your pain. I feel your pain. It was the worst.

19:53Rosie Ramsey:Well, I think it shaped you to do what you're doing now, though.

19:56Carl Hutchinson:I think I'll go to deflecting. Comedian, I'm sure. I've got very good at deflecting via comedy. Yeah. Bravado. False bravado, yes.

20:06Rosie Ramsey:Well, look at what a handsome young man you are now, though.

20:09Carl Hutchinson:I'm nearly 40.

20:10Rosie Ramsey:You're only getting better with age.

20:11Chris Ramsey:Well, like a fine wine. It's disgusting.

20:13Rosie Ramsey:All right, bye.

20:42Chris Ramsey:ME slash Dash Terms. Max$100 cash back per month.

20:48Rosie Ramsey:Everybody, I've got an announcement. What's that? It's off with you.

20:51Carl Hutchinson:I've got an announcement. You might see that on Instagram. I am filming a brand new stand-up special of this tour that I'm currently on. Tickets are on sale now. There's two shows in the Soho Theatre in Waltham Store in London, 7pm and 9.30pm on the 22nd of April. Tickets on my website. Really love this tour. Really enjoying it. just absolute no-brainer to get it in the can.

21:13Rosie Ramsey:I can't wait to see it.

21:14Carl Hutchinson:You still haven't seen the show yet. I'm a little bit worried.

21:18Rosie Ramsey:Well, you said this. I'm a little bit worried you're going to turn up and go,

21:20Carl Hutchinson:what the fuck are you? No, not you. The stuff I say about you is fine. I'd say it to your face. But some stuff -

21:24Rosie Ramsey:Well, because we're a brand, you know.

21:25Carl Hutchinson:Yeah, we're a brand now. Some stuff, I've got a funny feeling you're going to be like, what the fuck are you saying that for?

21:30Rosie Ramsey:Really?

21:31Carl Hutchinson:Yeah, yeah. I didn't check any of it, were you?

21:34Rosie Ramsey:Well, listen, I've said it before and I'll say it again. Do not judge us together. Completely judge us separately. because if you sing, I'm not going down with you.

21:42Carl Hutchinson:Okay.

21:43Rosie Ramsey:Right?

21:44Carl Hutchinson:Yeah.

21:44Rosie Ramsey:Although if you do, that means I can start ringing in LBC. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to watch the word burn! Right, yes. So if you want to see him, get tickets and it's being filmed in lovely jubilee. There it is. Do you know about a game that the kids play at the beach?

22:04Carl Hutchinson:No.

22:05Rosie Ramsey:Right. We took the kids down to the beach the other night because there was a glimmer of sunshine and we went and got fish and chips from Coleman's. Gorgeous. And then we took them on the sand. Rafe went in the water because he's nuts. It was freezing cold. Had to get him changed in the back of the car. Had to get him changed in the back of the car back into his world boot costume. So it was all just a bit ridiculous, right? Literally, it was ridiculous. Anyway, I sat there and I went with my mom and they went, oh, come and play Jeremy. I was like, I went, what? I went, what do you mean? And my mom just kind of went, oh.

22:39Rosie Ramsey:And she like laughed under her breath. And I was like, sorry, what? What the hell? Because obviously me mom's been taking the lads. I had Abel, me nephew as well. She's been taking the beach for years, right? Whenever we're working, she's got them and they're at the beach in the summer. So Jeremy, so basically what they do, they fill their socks up with sand, right? So they're like really heavy.

23:00Chris Ramsey:Yeah.

23:01Rosie Ramsey:They basically hoi them round and then they trip each other over with these like, what's it called? and something's on a long, like, what's that called? Not a guillotine. What's it called, man?

23:13Carl Hutchinson:I can't remember what it's called, but I know what you mean.

23:15Rosie Ramsey:So there's loads of sand in the bottom, so it's really heavy, really hard.

23:19Carl Hutchinson:Yeah.

23:19Rosie Ramsey:Like,

23:20Carl Hutchinson:very much like in gangster movies where they put pool balls in a sock.

23:23Rosie Ramsey:At one point, Rob and I come up with stones in and me mum laughed and went, no. I thought, oh, not this time, because I'm here.

23:30Carl Hutchinson:It's like a prison thing. Yeah. Yeah.

23:32Rosie Ramsey:So basically, they just go around and they whack them off the bottom of their knees to trip each other over. Why the fuck's it called Jeremy? No idea. That I do not understand. I said, why is it called Jeremy? And this is so weird, right? I said, why is it called Jeremy? My mum went, no idea. Robin named it Jeremy. What did I call? What did I want to call my kid when I was younger? And any boy doll I had, I called it Jeremy. Jeremy and Imelda. Imelda and Jeremy. I was going to call me kids. You know, when you're young and you go, if I have children, they were Imelda and Jez.

24:03Carl Hutchinson:I'd love to meet a baby. Mel and Jez. I'd love to look in the eyes of a baby called Jeremy.

24:08Rosie Ramsey:Honestly, Mel and Jess. So when my mom said, Robin, you know when you go, oh, that's weird.

24:13Carl Hutchinson:Yeah.

24:13Rosie Ramsey:And you go, oh, kindred spirits, me and Robin, my soulmate. Anyway.

24:18Carl Hutchinson:Kindred spirits. What did I say? Kindred spirits, which means you both just like chocolate.

24:24Rosie Ramsey:Is it kindred?

24:25Carl Hutchinson:Kindred spirits.

24:26Rosie Ramsey:Oh, God, I've been saying kindred spirits.

24:28Carl Hutchinson:You've been saying kindred spirits, like kinder surprise.

24:32Rosie Ramsey:Oh, that's embarrassing. Oh, God. Lock me up. Lock me in this house.

24:41Carl Hutchinson:So, obviously, I have been on tour with Carl Hutchinson, friend of the podcast, and he's been on Please Keep Me Anonymous as well. And one of my best friends in the world, but as I think everyone knows, genuinely one of the oddest, one of the nicest, but one of the oddest men I've ever met in my life.

24:55Rosie Ramsey:You paint him in a terrible light. He's a lovely guy.

24:58Carl Hutchinson:He's an absolute, he's a fantastic father. He's a brilliant friend. He's one of my best mates in the entire world. Right. but the man is an enigma and he is one of the weirdest people I've ever met and now and then he just does something or says something and I go, can I tell Rosie that? Can I say that on the podcast? And he goes, yeah, fine, and I'll just write it down.

25:14Rosie Ramsey:How are you then?

25:14Carl Hutchinson:A couple of things I can't, which I had to tell you this morning, which I think, oh, was it yesterday, which I think you'd agree, was absolutely awful. The bath thing.

25:20Rosie Ramsey:Oh, yeah. Can't say that on here.

25:21Carl Hutchinson:I've been told not to say that on here, but trust us, awful. So, he has gone from, this is why he's a hypocrite, right? Total hypocrite.

25:29Rosie Ramsey:I love hypocrites.

25:30Carl Hutchinson:Yeah, I'm a hypocrite as well, but he's really, really bad. so he slags off umbrellas constantly he says you shouldn't use an umbrella men who use umbrellas are pathetic just get wet just get wet because you're taking up all the space on the pavement with your umbrella that's his idea he got in the van the other day he went hey look I've rented an umbrella from the hotel I went you hate umbrellas you hate people who use umbrellas he went oh yeah but I'm a hypocrite I went fine just absolutely get out of the deal but he doesn't hate him

25:55Rosie Ramsey:using an umbrella that's the difference

25:56Carl Hutchinson:no no that's the thing yeah yeah yeah so huge hypocrite so he also was like ridiculously picky about certain foods and things like that and if someone in the past, I think I said it before, in the past, he was coming to my house once and he said, oh, I'll go past the delicatessen and I'll get some really nice ham. But the person who works there touched the ham and he stormed out because they touched it. However, the other night, he dropped in the van that we travel in, he dropped a coronation chicken sandwich. It slid off the table. It landed on the van floor, open.

26:25Rosie Ramsey:Stop!

26:26Carl Hutchinson:I swear to God, open, face down. He picked it up, put it back together. No!

26:31Rosie Ramsey:Oh, this is the man who won't eat at Gregg's if it's touched.

26:34Carl Hutchinson:Yeah. He closed the Coronation Chicken Sandwich and he ate it. That's wild. And I went, I can't even watch. I went, because I'm waiting for it to pull a fucking big hair out of your mouth or something. It made us want to be sick. But he was like, oh, it's fine. It's fine. No, I couldn't have ate that. But he was like, I've got kids now. I'm not bothered. He eats his food. He used to have, everything had to be piping hot, but now he eats stuff cold. And he's a changed man. It's unbelievable.

26:54Rosie Ramsey:Well, yeah, it does change you having kids.

26:56Carl Hutchinson:So that's just your appetizer. Okay, great. This is the next bit. I've got

27:00Rosie Ramsey:gets worse than the open coronation car chicken I've got two more bits

27:03Carl Hutchinson:right so I love pizza more than anything in the world yes I know not the

27:08Rosie Ramsey:not

27:09Carl Hutchinson:oh you've been watching the Epstein thing yeah actual pizza actual pizza cheese tomato I'm talking about a dough base with tomato and cheese on I'm not it's not code for anything but again

27:20Rosie Ramsey:if anything comes out in years to come about Chris just know that I've got nothing to do with

27:25Carl Hutchinson:wow

27:26Rosie Ramsey:I'm covering me on back sunshine you know what

27:28Carl Hutchinson:I respect it thank you thank you got a root cube over here fucking hell right so

27:34Rosie Ramsey:love you but I don't trust anyone thank you I don't know why you say that often

27:37Carl Hutchinson:it's nice to hear don't trust anyone so Carl I don't know

27:42Rosie Ramsey:I'm pointing to the listeners

27:42Carl Hutchinson:so Carl right ruined pizza for me the other night because we had we got some pizza and we talked about the hotel and we had some garlic dip

27:52Rosie Ramsey:lovely

27:53Carl Hutchinson:and the lid of the garlic sauce thing had garlic on

27:57Rosie Ramsey:where was it from Papa John's. Right. And what he was doing was, what? It's like a buttery garlic from there.

28:03Carl Hutchinson:The special garlic sauce is a buttery, or the garlic thing, but there's another one to do a garlic and herb one, which is nice. The other one's just some buttery shit.

28:09Rosie Ramsey:Love Papa John's.

28:11Carl Hutchinson:He, every single time he did this, he would get the lid, and he was putting the lid on top of the garlic thing, and he was doing that and getting the lid.

28:18Rosie Ramsey:By that, you've tipped it up and down.

28:19Carl Hutchinson:I was turning it upside down, so imagine the lid's now covered in garlic again, right? And he was holding it above the pizza slice, and he was wiping it on the pizza slice to get it all on. And he did this on his Instagram and I wasn't aware until he showed us it. So people who know Carl are aware of this. But as he's doing it, he says out loud over and over again, this is the bum, I'm wiping the bum. And I had to say, can you please stop that? You're ruining me meal.

28:48Rosie Ramsey:Do you think he's got OCD?

28:50Carl Hutchinson:I don't know what's wrong with him.

28:51Rosie Ramsey:Because, right, I think he... This is going to get serious.

28:55Carl Hutchinson:I think he masks his, like, compulsions. So I've said this before.

29:01Rosie Ramsey:Because he laughs about it. But actually, he still has to do it.

29:04Carl Hutchinson:But if he knows it's upsetting us. This is the bum and wiping the bum. If I'm laughing, he loves it. And if it's upsetting us, he loves it even more.

29:10Rosie Ramsey:That's what I mean.

29:11Carl Hutchinson:Yeah. So I had to order, one more. I had to order his breakfast on the morning.

29:15Rosie Ramsey:This is the bum and wiping the bum. This is the bum.

29:17Carl Hutchinson:But apparently he does it with curry. So the one on his Instagram is disgusting. So he put the video on. He said, does anyone else do this? and it was some curry left on a plate, some sauce, and he got the naan bread and he went, this is the bum, I'm wiping the bum, and all the comments are just you, mate.

29:33Carl Hutchinson:It's about 50 comments. No, it's just you, mate. No one does that. It's just you, mate.

29:36Rosie Ramsey:Nobody says, this is the bum, I'm wiping the bum.

29:38Carl Hutchinson:Ill. The next morning, two of my managers summed up perfectly the next morning, Carl was late at breakfast and he texted us his order and I had to ask for his order and I was like, can I get a full English, beans instead of tomato, black pudding, and can I get the bacon and the sausage really well done? and the lady was like what and i had to say it a couple of times and then she left and i went oh god and the two of my children went yeah it's exhausting being carl isn't it he makes it look easy but it's exhausting isn't it yeah it's fucking exhausting yeah now this is the main one i want you to hear okay this is the main one right so i've got a bit in me show i don't want to give away anything in the show but anyone who's seen it will know i know i'm wrong but i've got this bit in me show about fantasizing about beating someone up right it's a routine in me show don't ask any questions you'll see when you see the show you'll see it when you see it i'm gonna have notes it's just a bit i'm gonna have notes okay it's just a bit right it's a joke i know i'm very much wrong and i'm in the butt of the joke right so it's this bit about like a fantasy of beating someone up i'm worried and then we were walking back you'll be worried when you hear this we were walking back through birmingham town center city center the other night and it was a bit rough and there was people like pissing in the street at the certain point you know everyone's having a nice day and it was just you walk past people and some people are a bit drunk and a bit leery and they look at you and you're getting when you're sober you're like oh god and uh we got back to the hotel Alan Colwyn, have I ever told you about my fantasy thing?

30:50Carl Hutchinson:Like the bit in your show? I went, what is it? He went, in me fantasy, I'm walking down a busy street at night like we just have, and someone attacks us. A bloke starts a fight with us. It was an in the fantasy. I beat the bloke up, and I knock him out, and he's on the deck. And then while he's knocked out, as a punishment for starting on us, I take his pants off and I take his underpants off and I put them in a bin so that when he comes to he's got to stand with his cock and bollocks out and look for his pants in a bin.

31:28Rosie Ramsey:And that's his fantasy. He fantasizes about it.

31:31Carl Hutchinson:Thinks about it all the time. Thinks about it all the time. Honestly. Beat him up. Blokes are so weird. Keg him in the bin so that he has to stand shamefully cock and bollocks out getting his pants out of a bin. That's so weird.

31:45Rosie Ramsey:God love him but he's lovely listen listen do you have dreams?

32:01Rosie Ramsey:what the fuck

32:03Carl Hutchinson:do I have dreams? ever?

32:06Rosie Ramsey:so I'm very aware that most days and on this podcast I tell you about my dreams you never tell me about your dreams

32:15Carl Hutchinson:oh because and I think I said this before

32:17Rosie Ramsey:so I thought last week I'm going to ask Chris if he actually has any dreams do you have dreams

32:24Carl Hutchinson:I didn't know if you meant in life or do I dream like ask Chris

32:27Rosie Ramsey:no in your sleep

32:28Carl Hutchinson:right

32:29Rosie Ramsey:you never tell me about your dreams who are you shagging in your dreams

32:32Carl Hutchinson:everyone everyone but you no but like

32:35Rosie Ramsey:does stuff not happen though like real stuff have I not said before

32:37Carl Hutchinson:so please don't take this the wrong way please don't stop telling us about your dreams but I find people

32:42Rosie Ramsey:no you hate people telling you about your dreams people telling people about the dreams. Yeah, but I'm allowed to tell you about the dreams. Yeah, you are, you're fine.

32:45Carl Hutchinson:But I just, I find people telling people about the dreams to be the most, it's the most inane, boring shit in the world.

32:52Rosie Ramsey:It's pretty base level.

32:53Carl Hutchinson:It's like, oh, I had this dream, right? But it's like, it's like. But it's actually, if you look at bigger picture,

32:59Rosie Ramsey:it's actually really interesting what happens when you dream. It is, I know you're saying like, I had this dream. But if that's when people really like big up their dreams. Yeah. And you're like, no, you fucking didn't. No, well, if you didn't.

33:11Carl Hutchinson:But it's like when someone goes, you know oh this mad thing happened we're on mushrooms right I go well I'm not listening anymore because of course a mad thing happened you're on mushrooms

33:20Rosie Ramsey:I'd love to try mushrooms

33:20Carl Hutchinson:but saying like oh I had this dream right and then start telling a mad story what all you're saying is do you want to hear a story I've made up

33:27Rosie Ramsey:yeah

33:28Carl Hutchinson:no

33:29Rosie Ramsey:yeah

33:29Carl Hutchinson:no I don't I just I find it I find it so you do dream yeah I have dreams now and then they're mostly horrible I mostly wake up crying roll over and go back to sleep I'll be honest with you I don't want to hear about them I'm not going to tell you about them, but on a scale, a ratio of nightmares to dreams, I think I have 90 % nightmares and 10 % dreams. Okay.

33:50Rosie Ramsey:Mine are usually horrible. Mine wake me up in the night. Mine are awful. Yeah. Awful. No, I'm glad that you do dream. I just didn't know. Right. I feel like after, you know, being together nearly 13 years, I feel I should just know if you dream or not.

34:01Carl Hutchinson:No, then I've said, I had a dream about such and such last night. I've said about, it's offhand. I don't, you guys, fucking you paint us a full picture.

34:06Rosie Ramsey:Because sometimes,

34:07Carl Hutchinson:sometimes I remember them so much

34:09Rosie Ramsey:like I was just there.

34:10Carl Hutchinson:But then you start to you forget them don't you that's why some people wake up and write them down

34:13Rosie Ramsey:Yeah my Kate used to

34:14Carl Hutchinson:Ugh God

34:16Rosie Ramsey:Yeah but Kate's

34:16Carl Hutchinson:boring as fuck

34:18Rosie Ramsey:Spooky dooky man Boring Not when the stuff started coming true that wasn't boring Oh right That was very interesting

34:24Carl Hutchinson:Right okay She would go back Oh no no no

34:26Rosie Ramsey:Oh for God's sake

34:28Chris Ramsey:Babadoo babadoo babadoo

34:30Rosie Ramsey:It's time for

34:31Carl Hutchinson:What's Your Beef

34:32Rosie Ramsey:What's Your Beef Nice and quick one because we're blathered on for ages Yes And we can't we can't be long today because we've got to go get the train to London because you are selfishly on tour. Yes. Very selfishly. Should I go first or do you want to?

34:46Carl Hutchinson:Well, I'll be honest with you. You have been, I've been away. You've been home.

34:51Rosie Ramsey:Having a lovely time by the looks of it.

34:53Carl Hutchinson:All right. So I'll tell you, a very slight beef actually, before I do my real one. A very slight beef is, I'm putting photos on a little tour dump because I'm terrible on Instagram and I do take some photos and I try and put some stuff on. So I put little updates on it. I'll be honest with you, mainly it's to see the comments underneath the people saying, oh, I was at the Birmingham show, it was great. it's really nice to hear from people who enjoyed the show. If you didn't enjoy it, don't write anything. So I put them on and I was like, you know, I went and played golf and I had a couple of beers and stuff.

35:20Carl Hutchinson:And you seem to have an army of dickheads online who are just like, ah, commenting. Oh, Rosie's going to be fuming about it. I'm at fucking work, you pricks.

35:30Rosie Ramsey:I'm at work. Oh, just squeezing a little round of golfing at work. What do you want to do? Sit in the hotel and wank all day.

35:35Carl Hutchinson:There's only so many times I can wank in a hotel, Rosie. I have to go play golf at some point.

35:39Rosie Ramsey:I've been wanking loads.

35:41Carl Hutchinson:Oh, morning till night. Have you? Non-stop. I'll be blind next month.

35:45Rosie Ramsey:To a day? I'm joking. At least. No, okay, fair enough.

35:49Carl Hutchinson:Yeah, but I do have a beef with you. It's a reverse beef. Reverse beef, right? But I'm going to deliver it like a beef.

35:59Carl Hutchinson:I was really looking forward to doing all of my washing when I got in yesterday from tour. but you did all me washing for us? You fucking bitch.

36:14Carl Hutchinson:I don't have a beef, a real beef. You've been at home holding fort and incredibly yesterday, I put a dirty washing bag in the utility room and I went through to do it and you were like, oh, I've done it. And I was like, I set a car on the phone today. I thought I was getting put down.

36:30Rosie Ramsey:That fast wash, man. 26 minutes.

36:33Carl Hutchinson:Oh, they've all been fast washed.

36:35Rosie Ramsey:26 minutes

36:36Carl Hutchinson:I'll redo them after this

36:37Rosie Ramsey:15 minutes spin it's just a change of a life

36:39Chris Ramsey:yeah

36:39Rosie Ramsey:beautiful you're welcome and the dehumidifier makes everything dry really super quick

36:44Chris Ramsey:unbelievable

36:44Rosie Ramsey:no you're welcome you're working hard it's fine I'm having a nice time just being man for a bit nice and something might come up work wise but nothing has we're still doing this we're doing this every week as well I know I'm working to London please keep me anonymous after this I'm just enjoying me Pilates the news walking all that kind of stuff it's really nice All your dreams. All my dreams. Drinking early. Yeah. I do have a beef with you though, right? You know that stealing and breaking the law makes me really anxious. Yes. I don't like people. Like, I don't like rule breakers. I don't know what.

37:21Rosie Ramsey:It just bugs us. Yeah. I just don't. You know when they're like, who's going to stop me? I do what I like. I'll park on the double yellows. I just think, why? Why? Yeah, yeah.

37:30Carl Hutchinson:You do. You've got a real problem with that, haven't you? Yeah.

37:32Rosie Ramsey:Well, it's just like, do you know what it is? We'll just become, I'll tell you what, then we'll just become a fucking lawless wasteland. Like, you know what I mean? What's the, what, like, just fucking.

37:41Carl Hutchinson:So in your head, you're going straight from people parting the double yellows to it's Mad Max.

37:46Rosie Ramsey:Sort of. Because there's got to be some rules. There has to just be some rules to be all right. Like, I'm not, you know what I mean? Anyway, just bugs us. And this is one of them things that bugs us. And you've told us about it. And I don't like that I'm married to someone who does this.

37:59Carl Hutchinson:I can't think of the life of what this is.

38:01Rosie Ramsey:You are stealing towels from hotels and taking them to your next hotel. And because they're the franchise of the same hotel, you think that it's okay. And I'm telling you right now, it's not because they're completely separate. They are different hotels at other ends of the country. They'll have their own stock take of towels. They're not going to ring and go, oh, did anyone bring any towels from Stoke yesterday? Oh, yes. Yes, that was Mr. Ramsey. he borrowed a towel to wash his arse crack after he'd been to Jiu Jitsu and he said he was going to bring it down here yes yes no drop it off at the Leeds he's dropping it off at Leeds what's wrong with you?

38:45Rosie Ramsey:stop stealing towels they're not yours take one with you from home

38:48Carl Hutchinson:first of all you'd never be a tour manager because I'm not staying in Stoke then Leeds the next night that's terrible great well

38:52Rosie Ramsey:there were two places I could think of

38:54Carl Hutchinson:listen I firmly don't think there's anything wrong with this so they're all in the same chain and sometimes they're not though

39:01Rosie Ramsey:they're owned by completely different people

39:03Carl Hutchinson:if I have to go somewhere during the day like I went and played golf the other day and then I knew like after golf I'd need a bit of a wash so I liberated a hand towel from one hotel you stole

39:12Rosie Ramsey:liberated liberated liberated oh you should be a politician I borrowed you should actually be a politician

39:16Carl Hutchinson:I took a hand towel on a little day out for its mental health right it's been cooked up in that coma all day did get some vitamin D I took it out get on some vitamin D yeah washed myself in the in the in the because venues don't fucking venues don't provide towels man and if they do it's like oh god which you know which rock cover band have used this um and then i took it to yeah exactly the same hotel chain exactly the same hotel chain in the next place left it and then took that one from there to the next hotel chain and i don't bring one home they leave them there the final one on the route gets left with two i've been doing this for years i think it's probably evened out.

39:56Carl Hutchinson:The one I've took it from, I bet you that one's had one dropped off before.

39:59Rosie Ramsey:Stop, man. I swear to God, it upsets us.

40:01Carl Hutchinson:Would you rather I brought them home?

40:03Rosie Ramsey:What, the hotel towels? No, I'd rather you, no, I'm glad you're giving them back.

40:06Carl Hutchinson:Right.

40:07Rosie Ramsey:I don't want hotel towels. There it is. I don't mind using them when I'm there, but I don't want a towel that everyone's fucking wiped their Gucci on. Right. No, thank you.

40:14Carl Hutchinson:I do take just the Gucci towel. Just the Gucci. Just the Gucci towel. Gucci.

40:19Rosie Ramsey:We used to get towels on our tour, but was that because it was a bigger tour?

40:22Carl Hutchinson:that's because it was an arena too I think it was a towel budget in there yeah I did see one of them actually that pink towel oh you've still got it yeah see fucking hypocrisy

40:31Chris Ramsey:I paid for it

40:32Carl Hutchinson:oh yeah you did

40:33Chris Ramsey:babadoo babadoo babadoo spring is here and there's a whole new way to chai at Starbucks that's made perfect for you choose your sweetness dial it up or keep things light add a touch of pistachio a hint of strawberry or vanilla or make it a spring classic with lavender because this season There's endless ways to chai at Starbucks.

41:22Chris Ramsey:Why would we be without you?

41:35Carl Hutchinson:You know what? I didn't like it at first. I didn't like it at first. You're fucking irritatingly talented. That's well annoying.

41:42Rosie Ramsey:I was really annoyingly out of tune. With these headphones in, I'm like...

41:47Carl Hutchinson:Okay, I take the applause back. As always, guys, if you like it, get in touch at shagmildonode at gmail.com. If you'd like to send a voice note, the number is on the podcast app, but I am going to read it here. It's 07874406650.

41:59Rosie Ramsey:Well done. So Daisy, our wonderful Daisy, sent me these voice notes last night, and I forgot.

42:07Carl Hutchinson:Great.

42:07Rosie Ramsey:So I haven't actually pre-listened to this, but she said that this one's very funny.

42:11Carl Hutchinson:Okay.

42:12Rosie Ramsey:And I trust her implicitly. So here we go. So I normally listen to these and know what they're going to say, but I do not know what this one's going to say. Great. So if this gets cancelled, Daisy's to play.

42:23Carl Hutchinson:Someone else's voice note can't get what cancelled, surely. Surely it'll be something we say about it. Surely. Please. Come on, I mean the world's gone mad.

42:29Rosie Ramsey:I don't know. She's got you recorded in the van. Right, ready?

42:32Chris Ramsey:Hey guys, I'm not sure if this is an ick or it might even be a Rosie's Mysteries or, I don't really know, but just wanted to share. Me and my boyfriend were at home on our own. We were cooking dinner and he says to me, i've got a surprise for you i was like okay brilliant he left the room i just kept cooking he comes back in and um i'd recently come out to him as bisexual at this point and you might think that's irrelevant it's relevant because what his surprise was was a rainbow ribbon tied around his flaccid penis. He had left the room fully clothed about two minutes later, re-entered the room stark naked whilst I was still cooking me pasta bake and had wrapped a rainbow stripy ribbon around his flaccid dick.

43:31Carl Hutchinson:For pride!

43:31Chris Ramsey:So that was lovely.

43:37What? He's an ally.

43:41Rosie Ramsey:He's an ally. Well, hey, look here.

43:42Carl Hutchinson:Oh, hey, you love this. Look here. You just love this, don't you? Look, hey, hey, you're welcome.

43:46Rosie Ramsey:I tell you what. That's brilliant. If you want her to stay bisexual, you better get that ribbon off your flaccid dick. I'm telling you, yeah. Because there's nothing that would send me more gay faster than that. I'd be like, oh, I'm picking a side, actually. And it's not yours. That's gross.

44:03Carl Hutchinson:That's bold as fuck.

44:04Rosie Ramsey:I hate flaccid dicks.

44:05Carl Hutchinson:So he's just, I mean, in a way, in a way, is it a bit sweet?

44:09Rosie Ramsey:I think he's trying to say, like, I'm cool. I'm so cool with this.

44:13Carl Hutchinson:Yeah, I'm an ally. Yeah. LGBTQ and all that. Yeah, and look at it. Look at it. There it is. Pride. It's the Pride penis. No, but is he trying to say, like, it's a bit pick me. Really? Do you think?

44:26Rosie Ramsey:I don't know. It's a bit like, why do you have to put around his dick? Could he not have wore, like, a bracelet or something? That's such a mad thing to do, isn't it?

44:34Carl Hutchinson:Yeah.

44:34Rosie Ramsey:It's such a... Yeah. No, I've... Just checking.

44:36Carl Hutchinson:I know you like Pride, but you still like dick, though, yeah? You still like dick. Pride dick. still like dick pride dick pride dick pride penis eh

44:42Rosie Ramsey:yeah no I find I actually find it vile masculine and vile and awful okay to be like

44:48Carl Hutchinson:so you think he's gone the wrong way you think he's you think he's really gone tone deaf and misfired here yeah okay

44:53Rosie Ramsey:do you not think maybe I think that now as a 40 year old woman I don't know oh god I'm not even 40 yet

44:58Carl Hutchinson:you're not 40 but you know we know you'll have to round up you've been calling yourself 40 for three years um yeah must be it must be odd must be odd to go like oh I don't know how to deal with it I don't know I think he's tried his best to look really positive about it. But why round his dick? And he's just done it in it. Because round his dick means like, do you want to suck it? I mean, it's just me and pasta as well.

45:18Rosie Ramsey:I know you like girls as well, but it goes back to that. It's the suck me dick. I support you, but still suck me dick.

45:25Carl Hutchinson:Take the ribbon off though. I mean, would you have ever tied anything

45:30Rosie Ramsey:around your flaccid penis for a girl? No. No. I don't think I ever fully saw a full penis until I was about, like fully like in the flesh, like 17, 18?

45:41Carl Hutchinson:Yeah. Or just be.

45:43Rosie Ramsey:I just think it was always dark.

45:45Carl Hutchinson:Right, okay. I think it was dark. I know what you mean. Do you know what I mean?

45:47Rosie Ramsey:Hansy and dark. I don't think it was like... Hansy and dark! No, but it wasn't. And it wasn't... I don't think I remember...

45:54Carl Hutchinson:When are you releasing your book? The Rosie Ramsey Guide to Sex, Hansy and Dark. It's the Rosie Ramsey Guide to Sex, Hansy and Dark.

46:01Rosie Ramsey:I think if I'm going to write a book about life and that, it has to be called Hansy and Dark. Hansy and Dark.

46:06Carl Hutchinson:Yeah. Unbelievable.

46:07Rosie Ramsey:The Tales of Hansy and Dark. Yeah, anyway.

46:09Carl Hutchinson:The kids book, Hansy and Doc, two characters. Nah, wouldn't work.

46:14Rosie Ramsey:No. We could do it. Like, Robin had his big talk the other day, didn't he? Did I tell you what he said? No. He came home and he went, Mom, we've had the big talk today. And he went, I'm going through puberty. I went, oh, yeah. Oh. Yeah, I'm going through puberty. I was like, okay, sonna. I'm here for you. Your big feelings. It's all good. Oh, bless him. Poor bugger. Because they said you get spots. That's me. Because he's got a couple of little spots on his leg. And I think this person said you'll start getting spots. And he's like, mom.

46:46Carl Hutchinson:There it is. That's it. There it is. God, I hope he doesn't get them like I did. I know. God.

46:52Rosie Ramsey:Well, who knows? Well, I didn't have them when I was younger.

46:56Carl Hutchinson:Hopefully we'll dilute them. We'll see.

46:58Rosie Ramsey:He's already got your shitty personality. So he doesn't get you acne enough. Wow. Wow.

47:06Carl Hutchinson:She's lashing out because I'll be in a way having a nice time. She's lashing out. That's all that is. Comedy.

47:18Rosie Ramsey:This is the first kind of statement here. It's not really a question. It's just a bit more of a statement. It says, come on guys, I can't believe you missed the opportunity to quote what's new, pussycat? When telling the story of the boy who was obsessed with Tom Jones and Tiger's.

47:31Carl Hutchinson:Right.

47:31Rosie Ramsey:I'm ashamed of it. Why didn't we come up with that? Because I've got a thousand million fucking things. You're meant to be a bloody prime time comedian.

47:37Carl Hutchinson:Right, but I've got loads of things. Everything's going through my head at the time when you're reading these things. I've got to, I don't know. You know, I'm trying to take the story in. Sometimes, sometimes I apologise. Well, that would have been good. Great. That was their only email.

47:47Chris Ramsey:Yeah.

47:47Carl Hutchinson:And you've read it out.

47:48Rosie Ramsey:Yeah.

47:49Carl Hutchinson:Great.

47:50Rosie Ramsey:Hello, Chris and Rosie. Fucking heckled through the emails. Christ. Hello, Chris and Rosie. Just a quick workplace ick for you. Yes. I work in the video game industry. Hey. Oh, you would have loved that, wouldn't you?

48:02Carl Hutchinson:Oh, talking about video games. I'm having a fucking nightmare with my Xbox. Oh, my God. Heavens above Anyone out there Right I've got an Xbox Series X Used to have a Playstation 5 Because Robin Robin stole it Although he did say I'd borrow it To take it on tour Which I was a bit offended by You gave it to him I gave it to him I can't take it on tour Because I'll go online And all his friends I'll be like Robin Trying to join And I'll be like No it's his dad Piss off Anyway I've got an Xbox Series X And certain times It just doesn't turn on At all When plugged in in hotels

48:31Rosie Ramsey:But you googled it And you worked out That it's dirty wires

48:34Carl Hutchinson:It's something Dirty power Something to do with the hotel in the hotels. I don't know.

48:37Rosie Ramsey:The hotel power might not be enough.

48:39Carl Hutchinson:I don't know. Well, my mate says it's because, very boring, he says they're on three phase or something. I don't know, but it only doesn't work, Rosie, and I know I've on tour and I'm having a lovely time and I'm very lucky in my job. I mean,

48:49Rosie Ramsey:what everyone's hearing now is you are spitting your dummy out because your computer

48:53Carl Hutchinson:Yeah, I am. I am. Because the only times it doesn't work, twice last week it didn't work, it was when I had a two hour gap in the hotel before going to the venue for me sound check. I was like, I've got two hours here turn it on no noise nothing

49:06Rosie Ramsey:do you know what never breaks what a book argh argh argh me dad gave us a book the other day do you know he'd left the house he'd left the house and he'd gone into the car then he came back and he was like and I was like oh he must have forgot something and he just found a book in his car and he went I think you'd like this and I was like

49:29Carl Hutchinson:screw it in he I was like what the fuck yeah I love him

49:33Rosie Ramsey:and I'm like I don't know if I would but I haven't started it yet do you know what it is

49:37Carl Hutchinson:sorry is that the Broadway one yeah what is it it's by the side of your bed yeah it looks like a charity shop find it's fucked

49:42Rosie Ramsey:I don't know what that is yeah I'll read it because I do my dad I do trust his opinion

49:47Carl Hutchinson:you won't

49:48Rosie Ramsey:I will

49:48Carl Hutchinson:you won't

49:50Rosie Ramsey:dad I might

49:51Carl Hutchinson:there we go we've gone from I will to I might in two things no I might I guarantee you won't read that book I guarantee you won't read that book I could there we go so we've gone from I will to I might to I could

50:02Rosie Ramsey:I might I just can't stick with books. There it is. I started one the other day, the other week, and I really got into it, and then I just get bored. You know what you need?

50:10Carl Hutchinson:An Xbox. Right, carry on.

50:11Rosie Ramsey:Listen.

50:12Carl Hutchinson:Yeah.

50:12Rosie Ramsey:This person's working in the video game industry.

50:15Carl Hutchinson:Brilliant.

50:15Rosie Ramsey:Naturally, that comes with the younger generation and their unique use of language.

50:19Carl Hutchinson:Okay.

50:20Rosie Ramsey:A certain set of individuals have started to reply to other members of staff and themselves with king at the end of their sentence. And I cannot describe how much I want to crawl under my desk and not have to read it every time. And they've given examples. So, thanks, King. Or, looks good to me, King.

50:39Carl Hutchinson:Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not all right with that. Not in the video game. I understand when rappers say it to each other.

50:46Rosie Ramsey:Do they? I don't. I've never met anyone who says King.

50:48Carl Hutchinson:Well, I think the first couple of times I saw it, I think Jamie Foxx will do it a lot. Right. Jamie Foxx, if he's big as well. I'm sure recently he was calling Michael B. Jordan King. It's like, you shine, King, and all that. And I'm like, okay, that's a, you know, it's a it's a massive movie star and a massive guy going yeah and I get it

51:06Rosie Ramsey:yeah

51:07Carl Hutchinson:emailing it to each other after you've just tested the latest fucking beta version of your game yeah yeah yeah nice bug fix king but sometimes

51:15Rosie Ramsey:this used to give me the ick but now a lot of people do it I think it's become a thing you say sir sir uh huh what do you mean you sometimes say sir to people like

51:24Carl Hutchinson:oh like thank you sir

51:25Rosie Ramsey:like yeah like taxi drivers and and people sometimes I will yeah

51:29Carl Hutchinson:at first

51:30Rosie Ramsey:I was like it was like when your dad used to say cheers mate to the bus driver and I'd go it's not your mate why did you say mate it would kill us it would actually kill us and it did at first but now I've heard a lot of people say it I think it's become like

51:42Carl Hutchinson:like thanks brother like that's another one isn't it they do they come in you get annoyed about them first and they come in give it 10 years

51:48Rosie Ramsey:I'm sure that's called hegemony

51:49Carl Hutchinson:but I think I've made that up

51:51Rosie Ramsey:like Gethsemane

51:52Carl Hutchinson:no like when something becomes like at first it's like abrasive but then it becomes part of language of the thing. Yeah, well, just part of the status quo or whatever that might happen to be. I remember we did it in, I'm going to mention Holyoaks again, I can't believe it. We did it in, we did it in media studies. Yeah, we did it in media studies. Do you remember Warren? When Warren came into Holyoaks and he was the guy who won the nightclub and he was a bit of a guy. And then I remember I stopped watching Holyoaks, I stopped watching for ages and then I switched on again years later and he was just like a main character and he was normal.

52:23Carl Hutchinson:That, I think that's called it, I think, hegemia, hegemia, hegemia, I don't know. it's like just at first abrasive and then just swallowed into the sea it's called part of the furniture so I think that's what I might be wrong there I might be wrong

52:34Rosie Ramsey:five years time you know listen

52:37Carl Hutchinson:let's do it now king

52:40Rosie Ramsey:you're gonna be the postman comes to drop something off hey thanks king

52:44Carl Hutchinson:I'll already call our postman king he's a Brazilian just a purple belt I'll call him a king any day of the week

52:50Rosie Ramsey:we've got a few of them actually

52:54Rosie Ramsey:hi Rosie and Chris hope you're well no need to keep me anonymous. I'm also called Rosie in brackets Rosemary. And I've made up someone else under the age of 40 has my name. Just. Just. Just under 40. So I wonder if there's any more of those. I think there is Rosemary's.

53:11Carl Hutchinson:No, no. I think you two are the only two in the country.

53:13Rosie Ramsey:Well, once upon a time there was only one I was the only Rosie Winter. Right. Until I married you.

53:20Carl Hutchinson:Okay. Sorry about that.

53:22Rosie Ramsey:Apparently. I think. Was there like seven? I can't remember. Oh my God, I don't care. Oh God, okay. Just listening to the episode where you talk about the girl who offered mints on the flight. Brilliant, love her. And it triggered an embarrassing memory of something that happened to me on a flight in 2012, age 20. Right. Something that randomly pops into my brain and sparks the same level of embarrassment as it did all those years ago. I was traveling to Australia, the first time I'd ever flown alone.

53:49Carl Hutchinson:Wow, that's a hell of a want to do for the first time. I know, I know. Fucking 24 hours.

53:52Rosie Ramsey:I'm generally quite the insomniac, especially on transport. it's transferred so it came as no surprise that i didn't sleep a wink during my journey okay i'd completed flight one manchester to dubai with no hiccups and i was on the final leg dubai to brisbane midway through and after about 28 hours without sleep at this point i decided to get up and use the loom the nearest one was behind so i started to walk along the aisle due to my sleep deprived state i found myself losing balance and falling naturally i put my hand out to stop myself oh god the good news I managed to stop myself from falling over the bad news the face of a middle aged businessman broke my fall whilst he was asleep

54:34Chris Ramsey:oh no oh I fucking hate that so much

54:41Rosie Ramsey:I literally I knew you would I knew you would do you know what my first question would be

54:44Carl Hutchinson:if she did that and she woke us up and she put our face on us her hand on me face I would go were you on your way to the toilet on the way back and have you washed your hands because you've just put your fucking fingers in my mouth loathe and I'm upset.

54:57Rosie Ramsey:See, this is the thing. I don't know if people realise this, but when I get the questions, right, I get the ones that I know are going to trigger you. Yeah. Some people might listen to that and be like, well, this would ruin your whole week.

55:10Carl Hutchinson:Whack, just full hand. I don't think I'd ever recover from that. I'd hate her. She'd be like, I'm so sorry. And I'd be like, I'd do that thing where I probably wouldn't even say it's all right. I would just be like, okay. Oh, no. You know, come on, you know the slight noise wakes me up in the house

55:27Chris Ramsey:and I'm like, what the fuck's going on?

55:29Carl Hutchinson:I know. I'd be, no one's mate if someone did that to me. Oh, my God.

55:34Rosie Ramsey:But, yeah, I literally palmed him in the face. I was mortified and he had the shock of his life.

55:39Carl Hutchinson:Of course he did.

55:40Rosie Ramsey:So, yeah, she didn't look back and she avoided him at the baggage claim. So there you go.

55:45Carl Hutchinson:High five.

55:49Rosie Ramsey:God, God. It's horrible, isn't it? we're all people at the end of the day it's when you're on flights and stuff like that when you're in situations where everyone's having to be the same it makes you go we're all just people we're all just living in this world trying to get on and that's it can't be mad I'd be so upset

56:08Carl Hutchinson:I'd be so upset I wonder if do you know what's worse as well if she if that was one of them ones where he's in a bed a chair that goes fully flat if that's like business class and it goes fully flat

56:21Rosie Ramsey:No, I think he was just laying on his seat. So he was sitting up on his seat, so it was just a full bang on his face.

56:26Carl Hutchinson:Is that worse than lying flat? I don't think that's as bad as lying flat, because I don't think she'll have got the full force on him. So she stumbled forward, and she's just fucking gone, bang. You'd shit yourself.

56:35Rosie Ramsey:You would shit yourself. I'd be devastated.

56:36Carl Hutchinson:I'd cry. I'd cry. I'd probably cry. She'll go to the toilet, and I'd sit there and weep, and everyone would go, look at him crying. Look at that man crying.

56:45Rosie Ramsey:Oh, you shouldn't leave the house, Chris. You shouldn't leave the house.

56:48Carl Hutchinson:Oh, that would be horrible. And you know what? It takes me fucking ages to get a stick. or the plane and I'd literally be like well I'm not getting back to sleep now I'd be by the way everyone

56:57Rosie Ramsey:Chris is in full this is probably the worst time to tell you this story because you are in full 2M0 yeah yeah

57:01Carl Hutchinson:where sleep's very important

57:03Rosie Ramsey:no and not just that I really love recent call and obviously I love you I'm married to you but you're three very opinionated old men yeah and when you're I can tell I know you've been there I know you've been there

57:16Carl Hutchinson:we sit in the van and we just say stuff and we're all like yeah yeah yeah we all just think we're right yeah

57:20Rosie Ramsey:And then you come home and I just, I know. What did you say? You said something yesterday. You just said something and you just kept, you kept picking. Ah, God, that should be my beef. You walked around when you came in yesterday and just pointed out loads of stuff that was wrong in the house.

57:34Carl Hutchinson:Yeah.

57:35Rosie Ramsey:Yeah.

57:35Carl Hutchinson:I'll keep you right. Don't you? I'll push you down the stairs, actually, if you keep doing it.

57:40Rosie Ramsey:Wow. And I've said it here, so you'll know who's done it.

57:43Carl Hutchinson:Yeah, so the evidence is here. So when I've fallen down the stairs, you know who's done it.

57:46Rosie Ramsey:No, what was it? Idiot. You kept pointing stuff out. you were like why is this here what's this doing here

57:51Carl Hutchinson:why

57:53Rosie Ramsey:yeah stop that that's infuriating never oh I'll leave you

57:59Carl Hutchinson:take all your shit with you as well it was all over the fucking floor

58:02Rosie Ramsey:contour forever contour forever watch me

58:06Carl Hutchinson:good luck watch me

58:07Rosie Ramsey:good luck thank you so much for listening and watching this week's episode of Shag Merlin and Always we bloody love you guys

58:16Carl Hutchinson:we do thank you so so much And as always, if you want to get in touch, it's shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com. And the number to send a voice note is 07874-406650. Please keep them coming in. We absolutely love them. Cheers. Bye in the years next week.

58:30Chris Ramsey:Bye. Bye. This episode is brought to you by Athletic Brewing Company. No matter how you do game day, on the couch, in the crowd, or manning the snack table, Athletic Brewing fits right in. With a full lineup of non-alcoholic beer styles, you can enjoy bold flavors all game long. No hangovers, no buzz, no subbing out for water in the second half. Stock the fridge for tip-off with a variety of non-alcoholic craft styles available at your local grocery store or online at athleticbrewing.com. Your beer, fit for all times.