Mock the Week, Hotel Parties, and will Chris Weep or Faint?

0:00Coming up on this week's episode of Shag Married Annoyed. Lots of us moaning about being old. We are doing some proper old person moaning. It's alright. We need to bloody pull the sticks out of our arses. Chris is very tired. I'm a tired little teddy bear. But Rosie has got me back for once. You're welcome. Coffee beefs. Both coffee related beefs. Again, tells you where we are in life. And as always, questions and voice notes from you lovely lot. Enjoy. Legally, we can't say drinking Storm makes you smarter and more focused. But with zero sugar, 200 milligrams of caffeine, and immunity support, you're smarter and more focused for drinking Storm.

0:38Storm. Good energy in, good energy out. Energy for life. Where is Daredevil? I'm right here. Don't miss the return of Marvel Television's Daredevil Born Again. So what's next? We're going to take this city back. in an all new season now streaming only on disney plus they're hunting us it's time we started hunting them i can work with them this should be tons of fun marvel television's dare devil born again now streaming only on disney plus hello you are listening and watching shag married annoyed with me rosie ramsey my husband christopher ramsey still married still going strong yay bloody bloody bloody blah bloody bloody next month it'll be 12 years Am I right?

1:25Wow. Yes? Wow. 2014? Yes, 2014 we got married. So yes, next month. Yes, 12 years. 12 years. That's insane, isn't it? Well done. Well done to us. God, hello everyone, by the way. I didn't get a chance to say hello. Yeah, well done. Well done if you're knocking around the old 12 years as well, or even if one year, or even if you're not with anyone. Well done for everything you're doing. I'm proud of you. Yep. And neither of us, not that I know of, scratched that itch. No. That seven year itch. We didn't. The seven year itch was a thing, wasn't it? I mean, I was scratched. We're nearly double. I was itchy, but I didn't scratch.

1:56I'm totally joking. You're always itchy. You need to get some cream, I've told you. Now, listen. We're going to crack straight on, and I'm going to explain why. Yes, okay. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you for being here. Thank you for watching. If you're watching on YouTube, please consider subscribing. That would be lovely. I've got to catch Mr. Beast. He's on 500 million subscribers. Got to catch him. Well, good luck with that old social media ban. Catch him. Oh, yeah, good point. Goodbye, Mr. Beast. No, I'm only joking. I think he'll be fine. but listen it is time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor this week's sponsor it's why I feel groggy it's why I'm tired it's why I feel like a little bit like this is a dream and I wanted to be over with so I can go and have some sleep it's this week's sponsor is hi guys party back at my hotel room after whatever fucking shithole we've been to by the way it's right next door to Chris Ramsey's hotel room and we'll just have a music blaring all night arseholes so bad I'm raging so I did Tell them.

2:53So I did Mock the Week yesterday. Mock the Week, by the way, if Mock the Week was the sponsor, Mock the Week would be Mock the Week. Three days of panicking, three hours of laughter. I know, you are shitting your pants. Shitting my pants. It was really strange to witness. Do you know the last time I did Mock the Week, one of our friends, Michael, of Michael and Chloe, phoned me in the dressing room to tell me Chloe was pregnant with their first child. And how old is... She's 12. Yeah. That's the last time I did my week. Well, it's not because the programme finished. No, no, no. You upset somebody.

3:27It kept going for ages. I've upset someone. I think you upset someone. I think I was a pain. I might have just been a pain in the arse. Or I might have just not been the right fit. Like, you know, I don't know. I think you upset someone. Probably. But I'm back. Anyway, you're back. And all is forgiven. And we've had a lovely time. As you're listening to this now, it'll have been on Wednesday, just before the England match, which is obviously tonight as we record this. But yeah, it's three days of absolute panic. Yeah. Absolute genuine fear. I've never so again you know how I went into the Traitors podcast even though I hadn't seen Traitors so I went and agreed to do them all the week even though I legit haven't watched the news since 2020 you can I tell them no yes go on then you said to me yep who's Andy Burnham yeah because I kept getting emails of news stories about a guy called Andy Burnham and I was like who the fuck's it once I saw his photo I recognised him and it all clicked I wasn't I just wasn't aware of his name.

4:20I'm jealous. I'm jealous. I live under a fucking rock. But then I don't understand what you're upset about all the time. You don't know about anything. I get myself wound up about politics and I have to take a step back for a day or two. And then I get upset again. But you're just a bit angry sometimes. And I'm like, what about? You don't know anything about the world. I do know some stuff. I just specifically don't follow politics at all. I find it boring. I find it sad. So how did you cope? Did you just do a lot of smiling and nodding? No, I wrote jokes on what I had jokes on and what I didn't have jokes on.

4:52I just laughed at everyone else's jokes. But I literally watched... But what if the... What? What if you didn't understand it and you weren't meant to laugh in the panty and you're like, ha, ha, ha, ha. I didn't laugh on my own. I'm not a moron. And they're like, oh my God, he's laughing. No, but also... Cancel. Cancel that, man. Well, no, the thing is, the beautiful thing about... The reason I'm doing stand-up again on me tour, second leg on sale now for the autumn, September, October, November, December, cruisalmacycomedy.com. The reason I love doing stand-up now again and the reason I really enjoyed doing Mock the Week was on this podcast and on all podcasts, people take, the media and people take what you say as, oh, this is their opinion.

5:28Whereas on Mock the Week, you know it's a joke. I said some shit yesterday that I don't agree with at all, but it was a joke. Like they're jokes. No, but they're just jokes. Do you know what I mean? But I stayed away from all the political stuff. One, because I don't understand it. Two, because it makes us sad. Three, because I don't know who most of them are. But you know, all the other stuff is fine. Anyway, listen, so I did Mock the Week. Great fun. The cast was fantastic. went to me hotel afterwards um oh mr ramsey we've upgraded you they never upgrade you when you're there for more than one night yeah you're there for one night oh we've upgraded you to a massive suite with a balcony fucking pointless i'm literally going straight to bed i got in at 11 o 'clock i went straight i went to see about midnight uh half two in the morning i just hear a load of fucking people outside my room so they're all piling into some guy's room um right next door to mine to the point where i thought that was so loud on the balcony with music i thought i'd climbed onto my balcony because this hotel's got a couple of rooms and balconies.

6:22And I was just fucking lying there. And it's that thing of, I totally understand. Can you remember like neighbors from hell and that? I understand fully when people would lose their fucking rag and go around with a baseball bat and smash their neighbor's windows in because they were just relentlessly getting tortured. Totally understand it. Don't condone it, but totally understand it. So I'm lying there in bed and I can hear them. I'm like, fuck, I can hear the music. I'm hearing them talking. There must've been 20 people in his room. It was crazy, right? it didn't sound how did that was a bloke because I'll get to that well I don't I'm assuming I'm assuming it was a bloke I'm just assuming because of how I'll tell you so they were playing all these different music the music I was going to lean over the battle at one point and say two things one stop it two can I have your playlist because it's genuinely good music oh okay so what kind of music was it loads of different at one point it was a there was a teenage wedding and the old folks wished them well oh okay so oh I like them a little bit more now.

7:17Still a bunch of cunts. Still a bunch of cunts. Sorry, didn't mean to drop the C-bomb. But yeah, I hate them. Wasn't too bad. For you. Thank you. Solidarity. But good music. I thought it would have been like... The music was genuinely good. So it changed to that. Once everyone left and there was one person left on their own. Again, I'm skipping ahead because you're not letting us tell me story. I don't, well... So I don't like... I phoned reception and I was like, the room next to us is making loads of noise. They're like, we'll send someone. Oh, snitch. Oh, God. Honestly. Ick. And I'll tell you why.

7:47yes Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu blue belt probably should have knocked on the door and gave some hell but the thing is if you knock on the door or if you hang over the balcony and say something I get like a burst of adrenaline and I would never have slept again anyway so I'm like right I've got one and also not worth it I told you about the video I watched the other day sometimes it was a police officer and they were just like sometimes even though you seem like an absolute pussy in the moment sometimes just walking away from a confrontation is the safest thing to do because you know what it is fight with this random stranger or die I mean, I would never.

8:16I would have just went back to my room and shut the door. Yeah, but they could have stabbed you. Through the door. What have they got? Could have opened the door, stabbed you really quick. Yeah. Shibbed you right there and then. There it is. You're dead on the floor. Yeah. And they're just like, well. Still dancing. Still. Still dancing about you. There was a teenage wedding and we've just killed some bloke. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah. You've been in the news for three weeks. I doubt I'd get three weeks. There's a lot going on. I wouldn't get three weeks. So, yeah, I just sort of lay there.

8:44So from half two till basically half four, I just lay there gutted. Bastards. I had the half seven train booked and I thought, fuck this. And I went on the LNAR website and I just found that I was like, first train out of London's 5.48. I was like, here we go. So I got up and as I left, I opened the balcony door and stuck my head out and someone on the balcony was chain smoking and the music had changed to like - So they were still up? At 10 past five, that prick, it was definitely a bloke, was sitting on the balcony smoking. Fuck. And obviously I took, I did my classic. I took his do not disturb sign off the door.

9:20Good. That's gone. Good. So someone will knock him up at some point. We did think about calling the room. I was going to, so I said on my way out, I said, can you call rooms from outside? And they went, yeah. And I went, right, okay. And I thought, I'm going to ring him at like nine o 'clock. Yeah, be better than that. Well, also they'll go, what's his name? And I'll go, hello, my friend is in room such and such. Can you put us through? They'd go, what's his name? I'd go, I don't know. But like, do you know what blows my mind? Because I'm sitting here being like five o 'clock. I used to sit up until five o 'clock in the morning.

9:50You still would if you got the chance. You still stay up until two or three. Well, we can, right? Awful. But that's in my own home. I'm not disturbing anyone because I'm not an arsehole. Yeah. But like, that's a nice hotel. That's an expensive room. Yeah. You're talking central London, right? Yeah. For the smallest room in that hotel, it's about£400 a night. Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy expensive. So these people... But they were all in the hotel. but they were all in the hotel as well because they were all just privileged little bastards well the Brady's fucking door shut at one point your whole room shut they all left the Brady's door shut and they all went to their rooms crazy hate them well do you wanna honestly if yous are listening you're really upset my lad he's had no sleep he's absolutely shattered he'd had a really hard day at work he was really stressed so you know what it is I fuck up fuck you and I hope I really hope that something thank you I just hope you trip down the stairs I hope you stand on a plug yeah I hope you stand on a plug I hope you get indigestion and you can't get rid of it all day and you lie down and it hurts yeah I hope you've got wind I hope it travels up to your shoulder and you have to go to hospital oh wow that one that one because you really upset my lad so shame on you and I fell asleep on the train on the way back and I hurt my neck and he's hurt his neck and I asked for a bacon sandwich on the train and they forgot it and I had to get off and the people have forgot his bacon sandwich that's getting pathetic now I've got your back, darling.

11:12I feel like I've took you down the street holding your hand to the bully's house and you're standing on the drive show. I'll do it for you. Thank you very much. I've got your back, babe. It's 12 years. Here's to 12 more years. This is how we do it. 12 years. But no, I feel your pain because it's just the worst thing. It's just irritating this fucking... Worst thing. Mine was when I did comic relief. Or the rang in your hotel room, didn't it? The hotel rang, is it? The fucking person from the room service rang us at midnight. And she was like, was it the seeded bread? And I was like, what? I haven't ordered anything?

11:42I unplugged my phone. Well, now I do. And then I just didn't sleep. So I did comic relief on two hours sleep and I was so upset. Anyway, so I totally get it. But wankers who are just loud. So I've never been that person. I've always been annoyingly conscientious. Yeah, yeah. To a fault sometimes because actually I think I was a bit of a twat when I was younger. And if people, my friends were being loud I'd be like, guys, we should probably be quiet now. That was the part, yeah. I've left house parties because people in the building have complained and my mates have refused to turn the music down and I've gone, right, I'm going to a comedy party.

12:16I am on my stick left, are the rules, like. I just think when you read, like, I remember I was at house party once and me, It's just fucking rude, you paid for that room, like. Yeah, when I was at house party once and me, it was like the person from downstairs came upstairs and knocked, no, like you're being really loud and he was like, oh, he always knocks. And I went, well, you're always loud then. I wonder if he can hear you. He can hear you and you're loud. Like, they've got kids, like, what the fuck? So, yeah. anyway you know i don't know but it was um it was just it was just one of them things where and the thing is i'm not i'm not scared of knocking on i've tried to explain this to you i'm not scared of knocking on the door or leaning over the balcony and blokes being like fuck off me because i can handle that if it was like fuck off me and it was like an argument with a guy i'm always just i'm all i don't know what it is but i'm i'm it's like the schoolboy in this i'm always frightened that i'm going to knock on the door and it's going to be women and they're going to go oh get a life man you boring old twat is that what it is it's worse if it's women if it's men at least if I have a shout back I'll maybe have a fucking scrap but if it's women and they're like oh what we're just listening to music you're pathetic go away I'd feel fucking microscopic my dick would go inside me body do you know what though I think I would be fine with it up until about midnight like genuinely I'd be like alright fair enough everyone wants to have a nice time but after midnight I'd be seething anyway so Carl this has happened to Carl before and Carl has I was going to do it this morning but I didn't bother but Carl's before he's turned his hotel TV on and he's put it full no he didn't turn his TV on he had a Bluetooth speaker in the room and he hooked his phone up to it and he blasted some album he went down for breakfast nice and he came back up and the album was still blasting nice and I was like it's great you're getting that person back but then other people that's what I'm seeing there could be people above you people below you but anyway look all I'm saying is if you're in a hotel first of all hotels stop giving if I when I walk in a hotel and I see that as standard that there's a Bluetooth speaker in the room.

14:03Stupid fucking idea. Stupid idea. If I say by the side of the bed, there's earplugs. A lot of pro-tels do that. I already know, okay, I'm in a bad time here. I'm not coming back here. If you're in a hotel and you're having people back in your room, well, just, you know, keep the fucking noise down or maybe just stop at like one o 'clock in the morning. That'd be nice. God, we're old as fuck. Yeah, we're old as fuck. Just enjoy yourself, kids. Fucking ignore me. God, Jesus Christ. Ignore me. Look at the bags under my eyes, man. I look 85. Oh, God. I need a Rennie.

14:53Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Marinoid. Hello. I did some arm exercises, two days in a row. Just a YouTube thing. this Irish lass but with 5kg like weights and it was just sort of like arm raises and all this kind of stuff I swear to god I can't move really like it's ruined me day yesterday Stephen Bartlett are you oh my god are you the opposite of Stephen Bartlett not having three glasses you did some exercise and it's ruined your day Stephen we found it you know in Unbreakable where Bruce Willett where Samuel L. Jackson is the guy who like can break his bones just by like sneezing and Bruce Willis and he has to find his opposite.

15:33You're Stephen Barton's opposite. Because I did the exercise without no glasses of wine and now I can't move. No, honestly, yesterday I had such a bad day because I was just, I was in agony. And then it's still not great today. I'm going to have to do it again to make it better. So do it again with lighter weights. I do need lighter weights that are too heavy. So you need to do it again with lighter weights. So there's them ones on the back of the peloton. She did it with a six. Because she's a professional YouTube exercise person. You know when you're like, you need to stretch. You need to stretch afterwards.

16:02Yeah, I did stretch. Again, old bastards, hate people partying in hotels. Hashtag fossils. You need to stretch afterwards. Every single time I do jiu-jitsu, every single time, I see them all on the mat stretching afterwards and I go, I'll just go home, I'll be fine. I'm never fine. I can't move for days. I need to tell you something and it's been bugging me for years, but I think it's because I'm mentally ill, right? Do you know jiu-jitsu? Yes. Every time you say it, it really upsets us because it's spelt J-I-U, isn't it? Yeah. So in my head, every time you say it, I say Jiu. Jiu Jitsu. In your head Jiu Jitsu.

16:32Because it's just like not it should just be J-U like Jiu Jitsu. It's just something that happens. I've stopped saying B-J-J because people think it's B-J. I've stopped saying B-J-J because people think it's B-J. Just B-J. Anyway that's not important. I said Jits for a bit and people didn't like to say Jits. Jits is disgusting. It just sounds like coming. It's just like Jits. Look I'm going to be honest it's very homosexually charged the entire thing from start to finish. So gay. That video you shared. Yeah. that was gay porn yeah tell that to the guy underneath again sounds even gay there's a there's a one of the best guys in the world called Craig Jones he he brought out a rash guard a t-shirt and you know what do you mean best guys in the world do you mean a jiu-jitsu yeah oh he's not like my best he's not my favourite he's not my favourite human you said it one of the best guys in the world he's one of the best people ever no he's one of the best guys in jiu-jitsu he brought you know you know mountain dew the drink.

17:30He's brought out a rash guard and it's the same colours, but instead of Mountain Dew, it says Mountain Dudes. Because you mount them. Mountain Dudes. Someone wore one at our gym and got fucking torn to shreds. It's really funny. Oh, nice. Everyone's just like, ah! Bands, bands, bands. Yeah, yeah. Bands, bands, bands. Speaking of awfulness, another thing that really upset me yesterday. Have we just turned Are we mourners now? Yeah, but listen to this though. But listen to this. Because we've encountered something like this before. But we were on... I was on the... God, stop stretching yourself.

18:05Oh, God, it's just like... I was on the train yesterday. And there was these two guys. And they were sitting chatting to each other. And I just heard one of them out of nowhere. I just heard him go, Lynx Africa. And I had my headphones on. I think the thing I was watching must have went quiet. Oh, no, I was writing jokes. I didn't... I wasn't watching anything. And I heard Lynx Africa. And I was like, right. And I said, what? I thought, why has he said Lynx? I've never heard anyone say Lynx Africa for years. Yeah. Back in the day, big fan of Lynx Africa. Oh, we're going to reach the Lynx phase soon.

18:34Well, his mate went, Lynx Africa. And I was like, why are they saying Lynx Africa? And then I just heard...

18:43And I thought, surely not. They sprayed it on the train. And then I saw through the gap. He handed it to his mate. He went, oh, yeah. And the pair of them on the train doused themselves. Absolutely not. Any smelling thing would be awful. I'll be honest with you, I hadn't smelled in South Africa for some time. I got a lovely blast of nostalgia when I got hit by the first wave. I got that with impulse. When I got the first wave of it and then it took over the entire car. And I got off and I walked past him and I wanted to go, we're getting off five minutes later. I want to go, could you not have gone and done that in the toilet?

19:14Could you not do it in the toilet? Why? Why am I being hotboxed? Why are you turning this carriage into a teenage boy's bedroom? What are you doing? Because all the pricks have had kids who are now pricks. Yeah. Everyone who you used to hang around with when you were younger who would just do shit and you go, have you never been told off in your life? Yeah. They've all had kids and they don't tell their kids off and then they've had kids and they don't tell their kids off. Sorry, that's... No, just everyone... You've gone too many. You've gone one generation in the future. Dicks have kids. Yeah.

19:46Dicks have kids and then, you know... Welcome to Biology with Rosie. I'll just need to correct you there. It's a dick and a vagina have kids. But then again, our kids then watch kids be dicks and then look at us and go, how come I'm not allowed to do that? And I'm like, because I'm the strict mom. There it is. There it is. Starting or growing your own business can be intimidating and lonely at times. Your to-do list may feel endless with new tasks and lists can easily begin to overrun your life. So finding the right tool that not only helps you out, but simplifies everything as a built-in business partner can be a game changer.

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22:22So you can make the most out of every decade and dance break. Learn more at drinkag1.com. Speaking of our kid, Robin said something the other day which irritated me, but I think it's going to wind you up quite a lot. Was that not there? No, you weren't there. So obviously he watches things on telly and he sort of plays on computer games. Not loads. We're really sort of dialing back how much he goes on stuff. But obviously he inhabits his own little world. And he just said something that day where I thought, you haven't even learned the real world. You're not right, basically. We're talking about he likes a bit of hip-hop now and then.

23:05And I put Kanye West on. He knows all the words to all the Eminem songs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Clean versions. No, and also there was another song that he knew all the words to and what actually had his friend in the back of the car and I had to get him to turn it off because I was like, you probably shouldn't know the words to these, but I don't want to. Because it's Stronger by Kanye West. Yes. Now don't kill me. He knows all the words and it's not that appropriate for the stage. So the first verse has an F and two S's in and then there's no swearing for the rest of it. Anyway, so then I put Through the Wire on, which was obviously Kanye West's first breakout song, which is when he had a car accident and he wrapped the whole thing because his jaw was wired up and does the whole thing through his jaw.

23:45And I paused it. I said, listen to what he's talking, Robin. Like he did this. He got his jaw broken. He did this whole thing. And he went, oh. He went, so he was wrapping while he had a broken jaw? I went, yeah. He went, right. When was this? I went, well, this came out when I was in college. He went, right. He went, so. So has it regenerated now? What does he mean? I went, what? He went, has his jaw regenerated? I went, do you mean healed? Oh, fuck me. He went, yeah. I went, it's healed. I went, it heals. He's living in a computer game. Yeah, fucking Ready Player One. Oh, fuck me. Has it regenerated?

24:37He stood under a... Doctor, doctor, will it regenerate? Stand under that beam of light. If you get enough points, it will. Oh, fucking hell. Oh, that's grim, isn't it? I was like, oh, God. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. So I haven't told you this. I very rarely get triggered by things or get really upset by things. Something happened. There's two things recently. You know, when something goes through, you're like nails on a chalkboard. Like two things recently went through. Oh, God, even thinking about it, I'm messing on my hands. And so when I was coming back from the golf trip, I must have been a bit tired, a little bit like, you know, I had a couple of days of drinking and we've been playing golf and been traveling.

25:15And something came up on my Instagram and I don't know what it was and I never want to search for it again. I never want to see it again. But it was like, it must have been AI. So, you know, like, if you look over behind you there, anyone in the room, I'm pointing at, anyone on YouTube, you can't see it either. Basically, I'm pointing at the radiator valve. Can you see the radiator valve? So like a pipe, that's like a right-angled pipe valve, right, with a screw either side, right? So just imagine the right-angle L-shaped bit of pipe. Right. There was a video of someone, and they had their hands out.

25:49It was just their hands in front of them. And they had somehow, whether they were trick ones and they opened up like kinder eggs, but they had right-angled pipes on each knuckle. So all of their knuckles were at like a 90-degree angle. Okay. And they were moving them in front of the camera. And I'm not kidding, I felt physically sick. I don't think that's real. A couple of days. It had us for a couple of days. And I was like, I kept holding my hands. I kept, I was trying to go to bed at night and I was thinking about it. And it was, it properly affected us, right? And there's one thing that went through that was more than this.

26:21And I don't know if you're aware that our son did this the other day. You're aware he lost his tooth. Yeah. He came out of school and he went, he had a wobbly tooth. He came out of school, he went, dad, my tooth. And I told you it would come out. And I went, yeah, I told you it would come out today. and in front of us in the yard, you know how they're really sharp on the bottom? He fucking put it back in his mouth. He did that to me as well. Oh my God. I literally was like, I was like, get it out. I was like, and his mate was going, what's the matter? And the mate's dad was going, what's the matter?