Please Keep Me Anonymous - Best Of Part Five

18:58Rosie Ramsey:Never one of your gigs. I've never seen her since. I've never heard anything from her. I imagine she either lost it or watched it and hated it. In all honesty, I hope she's forgotten and I hope I never see her again because seeing a Spice Girl again years later and going, did you see my DVD? And her going, yeah, it would be the worst feeling. That's really nice. That's nice, though. That's really good. Dead in resting, dead in rested, dead. Yeah. Took me DVD and I was like, oh, my God, Mel, these just took me DVDs. That's really cool. How long ago was this? DVDs? Yeah. We were together. What the fuck?

19:28Yeah, yeah, it was mad.

19:29Rosie Ramsey:Oh, God, that's gross. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. This episode is sponsored by TV Licensing. A TV license covers you to watch over 400 TV channels and everything on BBC iPlayer. To find out more, go to tvl.co.uk forward slash pod. One of my favourite programmes ever. is back for its 16th series. It's a real tear jerker. I know you're not as big a fan as I am. You are, this is, I will walk in the room and you are crying and I go, oh my God, what's happened? Have you had some terrible news? No, you're just watching. Long Lost Family. There it is. Born Without a Trace, ITV, BAFTA award-winning series.

20:06Rosie Ramsey:Of course. Hosted by Davina McCall and Nicky Campbell. It's just, I mean, you would have watched it. It's 16 series in, but it's just so emotional. and it's just a fantastic program. I don't know how they host it. It would kill me. I think that every episode. Yeah. How do you do this job? They hold it together really, really well and it's just beautifully, it's so well done and it's, yeah, that's back for the 16th series if you fancy it. Now, I'll tell you what else is back. Something I used to watch all the time and I'm buzzing that it's back this summer, Animal Park. Marking 25 years of Ben Fogle and Cade Humble at the heart of BBC's longest running day.

20:44it's BBC's longest running daytime favourite. It's so, I just, like, don't get us wrong. I love your sort of Attenborough nature things and your really in-depth things. But Animal Park, it's almost like just a little cosy little, I don't know, like a little cosy little zoo. It's like the day-to-day running of the place. It's just a really good show for all the family on iPlayer to watch whenever.

21:08Rosie Ramsey:And you just stick it on when the kids are in and it's just a nice... Is it a bit of nostalgia as well for you? It's huge nostalgia for me. I love it. I mean, it's been running for 25 years. It's a heck of a show. And Longley, it's a fab place. Brilliant. Kids love anything like that with animals and stuff. So do I. A TV licence covers you to watch over 400 TV channels and everything on BBC iPlayer. To find out more, go to tvl.co.uk forward slash pod.

21:37There was a bit that was on the first episode, which Alice, what was it about the, well, you should explain it. It was your finding. The moment. The moment. My friend who's a doctor told me that horses' legs are their fingers. So through evolution, they have turned into legs, but they are fingers. And they're... It's disgusting. It's disgusting. It is quite disgusting. It's chilling. It's so disgusting. And there's more to it than that. And it's more complicated than that. Of course, we didn't realise that or do that. So now everybody on the internet is really mad at me. and it's been clipped up and it's got it like wildfire.

22:15And I'm, I like every two to three years, I'll post something on Instagram, you know, like I'm, I'm a social media guru. And so the first thing that I've said on the internet since like 1994. It's gone mad. There's a pile on. There's a major pile on. What are people not happy or something? I think there's. Oh, people aren't ever happy. What? It's really united. I've got questions about this horse. Okay, sure, sure, sure. And I'm definitely the person to answer it. But the funniest comment that I saw, which I might even steal for the next episode without crediting the guy. Yeah. He was like, so that makes, so that essentially makes the entire horse a hand.

22:52Yeah. My question is, is that four fingers or is that four legs where one finger took over on each leg? Thank you for your question, Chris. So just to explain this in terms you'll understand. I don't know. I don't know. I'm so out of my depth. I don't know.

23:11Rosie Ramsey:Were they at one point just like a carcass being dragged along with little nubbins? No, they used to roll them. Yeah, little nubbins. Horses used to just roll horses. At one point they were a fist and then they just sort of...

23:25Rosie Ramsey:Who was this friend? Are they a doctor of it? Well, this is the thing. The comments are like, your friend should be struck off. Oh, for God, you see. People are so angry. But what's really funny about it is... And he has been. He has been. We had so many shots in that. He's been arrested. He's in front of a tribunal, as he should be. But we said so many things on that episode, and it's the stuff that you don't even think about, that really catches people's imaginations. And people, my favourite comment was, you absolute Brit. And I didn't know that that was an insult, but people are, you absolute Brit, because a lot of Americans in the comments are very livid.

24:03People just loving to have a sense of humour bypass about it as well, because people are like, did she not love me? at school I'm like learn this this is not my what lesson is that what was that in I learned about the don't pay no attention just give them the horse's leg exactly yeah but that's the stuff

24:22Rosie Ramsey:very good and also when it's actually excellent that is excellent lovely actually all four of us make up a horse yes there it is yeah I've got a horse on my own oh my god yeah so now I'm never posting anything on the internet no I would stick away from like religion, evolution, all that kind of stuff. The big three, religion, evolution, horses, equestrian legs. As soon as people, as soon as you put a different opinion on the internet, that's it. They're just like, well, we're obviously fighting now. And you're like. But you know what my problem is though? I don't know whether it's because of where I was brought up or just, I just want to fight them.

24:58Rosie Ramsey:Sure. So part of me wants to go, all right then, babe, come and let's come and we'll meet up and we'll have a fight. So that's why I can't look because I will message them and go, where do you live? That's why I find the traitors, I find the traitors amazing, but I find it to be a tough watch because I'm not from a place where you sit around a table telling people what you think of them and it doesn't end up in the fucking car park. Shouting that someone's a liar. Well, I think you're a liar. I think you're a two-faced one. Right, well, this table's getting flipped over and we're going in the fucking car park.

25:27Do you understand? I would love this. You just write on the little board and it just goes, come on.

25:36I did once do a corporate gig Where my It was in the In Proud Embankment And Proud Embankment Were hosting The Young I don't know what that is Proud Embankment Is this big sort of Glamorous cabaret club I don't think it's there anymore Is it London? Yeah yeah yeah And it's It was Proud Embankment Which is like I think it's a big Gay cabaret bar basically And it was hosting The Young Pension Awards Try and make sense of that because I certainly didn't have anything to say about it. The Young Pension Awards. Young Pensions, please. Yeah, I don't know what that means. I think it's young people who work in pensions.

26:08I should know this by now, given the gig was 10 years ago. I still haven't done the research. Wow. Young Pensions. My dressing room was just like kind of this windowless, tiny box room. And yeah, and that was it. And it was like, we're not one of those corporates where they put you up in a fancy hotel or anything like that. It was just like, just go in there for five hours and just wait. But when we did it, we did the rehearsal. For some reason, Arge from The Only Way is Essex was in the venue because he was playing the venue in like a month. Singing. He was like singing, doing a sound check. Yeah.

26:33And then he just went and sat in my dressing room with like his entourage, but he wasn't even playing that night. He was just like, and he wouldn't get out. And so I had to get like staff from the venue to be like, can you leave? Because this is, I'd like ask. And they were just like, nah, we're just going to be here for a bit. And I was like, I can't believe I'm getting bullied by artists. It's pathetic. So anyway, eventually he leaves, but this sort of starts the day off on quite a bad note. So then he leaves and then I'm sat in the dressing room. And normally you would just like, I would just chill out in whatever they've got in the fancy hotel and just wait there.

26:56because it was so it was like it was just a horrible tiny room i went out for dinner and came back and by the time i came back in the room there were like ring dancers suspended from the ceiling like dancing in rings above the young pension awards right and they were like they're like basically naked they're just like in like bikini type clothes and they're just like floating around doing all this shit while they all have dinner below them and um i go into my dressing room and now and i realize from all the feather boas and sushi that are around that i'm obviously sharing this dressing room with said ring dancers.

27:28So I sit there. It's tiny, this place. I'm trying to write a set about young pensions or whatever. They eventually both come back in and they're just like, oh, hi. And then they go and like sit over here and I'm just like in this bit like, yeah. And I'm like typing away. Then these two ring dancers loudly have a conversation about how they both currently have mumps.

27:46Rosie Ramsey:Right. I had no... When you started talking, I was like, how is this relevant? How is this relevant? When will this become relevant? Right. Oh my God. Yeah. So I'm immediately texting my mum like, have I had the MMR vaccine? Because I'm in a windowless box room with two naked ring dancers who currently have mumps, who just, by the way, performed Suspended Above an entire party. Have all been pensed to your pensioners. That's a good fun chemical warfare. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's mumps in the ventilator. Release the ring dancers. These pensioners are getting too young. Oh my God. Yeah. Shield the butt rubble.

28:21So I'm doing that. I can't get any signal because I'm in this airlocked room with these fucking... They eventually, like, pack up their feather boas and leave. That's so funny. I then go into the... There's a little bathroom bit of this and I just go in there and then I'm going to come out and I've got to get changed into my suit and then go on. Did you find a mump? I wish. What happened when I came out is there was just someone, one of the patrons of the party, one of the people who was up for an award was just now in my dressing room breastfeeding. And I was like, don't do that in here. There's mumps in here.

28:49Of all the places, there's no way your baby's had a vaccination yet. There's not mumps in here. There's mumps in it. Absolutely dreadful. Really awkward. I come out. She was like, they said I could do it in here.

29:00Rosie Ramsey:Did you tell her about the mumps? Do you not want to worry about the mumps? I was like, I'll be honest. The conversation we had was quite awkward already. Someone is openly breastfeeding that I've never met in front of me. Lisa, I'm just going to put this out here. I don't think that was your dressing room, pal. I'm going to be honest with you. It was Arges. I don't think you had a dressing room. I don't think you had a dressing room. No, do you think I didn't even have one? You had a communal area that they had told you for eagle. purposes that that was your destiny. It's a green room. Like I'd kick off, yeah.

29:28Dreadful to that.

29:29Rosie Ramsey:But what am I going to have to Google mumps after this? I didn't get mumps, so I must have. Oh, God. I must be vaccinated. I think you must have to be quite close. I don't know. I was quite close. Apologies to the mump community. No, actually. I don't apologise to the mump community. No, I mean, because of our ignorance towards mumps. Once at the Edinburgh Festival, you did a wee in a bucket backstage after the performance was over, then you ended up being covered in your own wee by the next performer who used the bucket for their show. She was a performance artist. What? Yeah, she was a performance artist.

30:02And Sue and I had shared a dressing room with her. I think her name is Penny Solomon. Penny, if you're listening slash watching, I apologise from the bottom of my heart. So we were in that tiny venue in the Pleasants. I mean, there's loads of venues in the Pleasants now. Was it a hut or was it inside? Yeah, they've got those kind of like little garage things, haven't they?

30:22Rosie Ramsey:Like portable hood things. So you were inside. And it was blooming miles away from the nearest loo. Like literally miles away. And we were on, you know, in 10 minutes and I thought, I'm not going to make it back for Curtain Up. I am freaking desperate. Desperate. Desperate. So I spotted out the corner of my eye a fire bucket. Thought, brilliant. Let's just do the business. I'll sort it out. no one will know I'll put a cloth over it I'll put a little cloth over it sort that out when I finish I said to Perks this is what I'm doing you know anyway did the biz did the gig we did that we had promised Penny Solomon as you do in Edinburgh to all your fellow performers I'll definitely catch your show I'll definitely catch your show I'll come and see your show don't you?

31:11why wouldn't you actually went? that's really not you're all of the good ones I've said that so many times and never went no and this was our luck fucking chance this was our last opportunity to go might even have been her last perf so i said to perth we've got to go and see penny's show it's quite heavy it's performance art we've got to go and see so we were in the front row a couple of our mates as well literally strapping in it was heavy right it was not a comedy show it was a brave poignant piece right performance art so we're very much just in the zone and she's in a white shift. I seem to remember some sort of long white muslin thing going on.

31:50Okay. And doing lots of stuff, you know, anyway, I think she was calling out for her mother, possibly injecting herself. I don't know. Then she whipped off stage and she brought on the fire bucket. Then she reached for an enormous brush and started blessing the audience. Dip. Bless. Dip. Bless. We were covered with my piss. The entirety of the ten rows covered. Oh, no. And we were, Sue and I, I don't think we've ever laughed so much. It was genius. That is.

32:34Rosie Ramsey:Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It was genius. I'd, of course, forgotten about it, you know, in the kind of, Oh, darlings. Oh, thank you so much. Oh, thank you so much. You know, all that stuff. Totally forgot about it. Well, luckily I didn't take it away because that was one of her key props. Yeah. But it was. Oh, that is fantastic. Oh, I love stuff like that. I love that so much. It's like, oh, it's four in the afternoon. You're watching a performance artist and you're being covered with your own piss. That's amazing. And Sue knew. Sue knew. She knew. She knew. You know when you laugh, And you can't actually make any noise.

33:14You can't breathe, yeah. Best laughing. It's one of those. Like a detention laugh or a funeral laugh. Yeah. Best ever. Can't laugh, not allowed to laugh, have to hold it in, can't make noise. Unbelievable.

33:22Rosie Ramsey:That's like, it's stuff that would be in a sitcom. Yeah. Like when real life happens, stuff. Yeah. That should be in a sitcom. It's just my favourite thing ever. You've got the greatest notes in the history of notes. Favourite thing ever. But Penny, I feel for Penny though, because I don't, you know, Penny, I don't want, you know. Penny didn't know. She didn't realise. But I mean, she was slightly, you know, she was slightly doing that because there was a lot of motion in the front row. She was laughing so much, yeah. Oh, my God. But it was the size of the brush. You know when you're wall - You know when you're wall-papering and you use a wide, a girthy, wide brush.

33:59It was one of those. It was just wuff, wuff. Like one where if you did like that on the ground, it would go like whack, like a whacking of, yeah. Oh, God.

34:08Rosie Ramsey:Just beautiful. The volume of water in that brush. It wasn't like a piddly, it was like a proper. It wasn't water though. That's the best bit. Dear Chris and Rosie. Yes. Please keep me anonymous. Always. I live in Sheffield. About 10 years ago, I was out celebrating my best friend's birthday. I was pregnant at the time and very sober. I popped at the toilet in the club for a wee. When I'd finished, I wiped with what was the last of the loo roll. As I opened the door of the cubicle, a girl flopped through the main door of the toilet. she'd obviously been on a particularly heavy session. She scrambled into an open cubicle, dropped a trowel with the door wide open.

34:45So as I was standing in the basin I could clearly see her in the reflection of the mirror. I washed my hands and was reapplying lipstick when I realised the girl had finished and was looking for toilet roll. I turned around to see if any other cubicles had toilet roll but no joy. What happens next seemed to go in slow motion. As I turned back to tell her there wasn't any paper. She. Oh, my God. I don't know. This is very well written. I can see the place. It's extremely grim in my head. It's a nightclub. Yeah, it says, there's a little PS that says Chris Ramsey had a little area cordoned on. So that helps.

35:26Sorry, not in Sheffield.

35:28Rosie Ramsey:I can do that in my hometown, not in Sheffield. There's no chance I'd get a VIP section in Sheffield. Long live Dusk. Yeah, long live Dusk. Rest in peace. what's she done right I am going to go on a limb here and I'm going to say she used her own dress to wipe her arse I was going to say she'll shit herself so yeah maybe I took her neck I saw them threw them down the thing possibly there's no toilet roll what would you do if there's no toilet roll you'd be in the toilet there's no toilet roll which presumably she's only had a way she's had a shake I'd just shake right on a roll yeah if it's a wee yeah yeah if it's a wee just give it a shake possibly kind of wipe myself on my underwear there it is Goes in the wash, doesn't it?

36:07Rosie Ramsey:Of course. Wait, do you wash yours? Am I not meant to? No, I've got no idea. It's so much worse. Oh my God, is it? It's so much, it's, it, it's upset me. That's, that's, that's the truth. I feel upset by this. It's a pleasure to come in. What horrible day have and have a talk about the Mel C thing and then this. Okay. God, it's worse. Ready? Yes, am I? She had pulled out a used pad from the overflowing sanitary bin beside her and began to wipe. Go and get... no! My jaw dropped. She then, quick as a flash, placed it back in the bin, jumped up, pulled up her trousers and left the toilet. Leaving me stood alone in the toilets to reflect on what I've witnessed.

37:03That. is absolutely morose.

37:09Rosie Ramsey:That's unacceptable. I'm very, really shook. That's horrible. She could get a disease. Yeah. God, that's awful. Okay. I mean... I'm really sad. That's really bad, that one. I can hear them all laughing in the other room. Yeah, that's really... I've gone all cold. We've had a really nice time. We've had a lovely time. I opened up to you about Mel C. Yeah. Talked to you about how much I love stand-up. Yeah. I got deep about my mum and dad. Yeah. And then some fucking disgusting bitch is wiping out a badge on it, used sanitary towel. I mean, that's like sharing a needle. God, that is fine. Do you know what I'm going to say?

37:45I think it's worse than sharing a needle. I think it's worse. I reckon if you're at a start, like, I mean.

37:50Rosie Ramsey:There's something about period blood. Your own is fine, all right? Maybe somebody else who you really fucking love is all, but a stranger has period blood. Yeah, I mean, she's got hep C. Yeah. That's the main thing we've done. That's the least. Yeah. What the fuck? Yeah, anyway, this episode is in loving memory of that girl. Yeah. Who didn't always make great choices, but now has to have a good night out. Which I followed through. Well, I'm not. Yeah, I just use your knickers. Okay, God, I'm going to have to go. Susie Ruffell, you mean so much to us and you always will. Thank you very much. God, are we leaving on that?

38:22I know, I'm so sorry. Jesus. That is what we leave on. I'm so sorry. I haven't even told you about the fact that Chris was the first person I ever knew that had an iPad. What? Is that true? That's what I always think of when I think of you. No way! Please tell this story. This is amazing. I'm so proud.

38:37Rosie Ramsey:He's always been a spoiled brat. You were doing new material at a gig, I think, in Newcastle. And I was very green. I was quite new. You've been doing stuff a little bit longer than me. And you were like, you were closing, but you were trying new stuff. And I was hosting. And you took an iPad on stage. And I thought, God, he must be doing so well. He can afford an iPad. and I think that most times when I see you it's fantastic first person I ever met that had an iPad and I remember you being like yes yes just like yeah and I'd be like oh my god and he's written up his material and that's why I went out with you that's it wasn't that velvet ropes and one iPad my guest list for the velvet rope section was on an iPad yeah and it just said your name isn't it funny what like because obviously But that person never knows.

39:34Rosie Ramsey:Well, yeah, that's right. That is hilarious. As soon as they were like, do you want to do Christmas Roses podcast? I was like, yeah, I'd love to. And then iPad. Do you know what it is? Do you know what's so awful about me? And this is why I'm a disgusting hypocrite. If I was at a gig now and someone went on with an iPad, I'd be like, look at that fucking wanker. Well, I mean, everyone did think that. But, um. Yes. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Starting or growing your own business can be intimidating and lonely at times. Your to-do list may feel endless with new tasks, and lists can easily begin to overrun your life.

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41:20Rosie Ramsey:Bab-a-doo, bab-a-doo, bab-a-doo, bab. Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. Will do. Recently on the podcast, Rosie mentioned she'd started Pilates. Oh, yeah. And it reminded me of my very first reformer, not reform, reformer Pilates class. I walked in as a complete beginner to one of those classes where everyone else clearly knew exactly what they were doing. Determined not to look clueless, I lay flat on my back as instructed and avoided constantly popping my head up to copy everyone else. I like that. Instead, I decided to just listen carefully and follow the instructor's directions.

42:00The problem was she kept referring to your carriage. Oh, no. Put your hands flat on your carriage. Move your feet onto your carriage. Now, knowing Pilates is meant to be good for your pelvic floor, I naturally assumed carriage was just some cutesy Pilates term for your fanny. You know, your undercarriage. Oh, God. Oh, God. That's gorgeous. So good. That's gorgeous. So for the first 20 minutes of the class, I was basically just touching myself.

42:40I did feel slightly self-conscious when the instructor said things like, grab your carriage and pull yourself along. But I assumed everyone else was simply far more experienced with this technique than I was.

42:55For me, right, for me, what I'm thinking about here is there are people, including the instructor, who could see everyone else doing it. And this other lady just literally just grabbing herself. Like she came in, she didn't do any of the stuff. She just touched her fanny for like an hour. Then she left. Like, what the fuck? That's great.

43:11Rosie Ramsey:And then she pulled herself along. Like a dog with worms on a carpet. You didn't know what the carriage was there, did you? It's the sliding thing. You're on the bed. It's called the carriage, yeah. She goes on. It was only when she announced, now put your tippy toes on your carriage, that I finally thought, hang on, this feels excessive. So I sat up to look around and discovered everyone else had their tippy toes perched on the moving bench with wheels that they were lying on, also known as the carriage. Wow. Wonderful. Absolutely genius. Gorgeous. Oh, I love that. Absolutely gorgeous. I mean, I've never done Pilates, so I didn't even know that the carriage existed.

43:51The carriage is really hard.

43:52Rosie Ramsey:It's hard. Is it good though, Pilates? It's good. Apparently it's very good for you. It's like strength training, but you kind of like work. And so what I got told just recently, which I didn't realise, there's like they're on springs and they are equivalent to sort of like weights and the carriage is like so it's resistant it's really good it's good for when you get a bit older oh well I've got to start doing a bit of this I've been down the road where I live I got sort of suckered in by a little blackboard outside blast fitness oh sounds very aggressive sounds very it sounds bad for your knees I don't like the sound of that oh there's going to be a lot of burbies blast fitness do you like burbies?

44:32No. I've signed up though. Oh God, I don't. Signed up. I always do that. I've said it before and I'll say it again. There's a reason that burpees rhymes with herpes. They burn. Burpees is the one where you... Can't do them. You're down on the ground and then you flip out the back legs and then you jump up. And then you jump. Horrid. Horrendous.

44:53Rosie Ramsey:I've got my set. Walk on an incline. Yeah. Bit of running, bit of leg jog and some reformer pull-hardies. Yeah. But go and let us know what it's like. So I can understand, sorry, I can understand weights for strength. I can understand running, cycling, all of that. If I'm getting chased by a fucking wolf, I'm not doing burpees. That is so true. They are not applicable to the real world. I didn't want to say bear because bear sounds too much like burpees and it's, you know, comedy wise, you know. But yeah, if I'm getting chased by a wolf or a murderer, I'm not burpeeing me way out of there. No, but that was a question that was on the internet a lot recently, wasn't it?

45:26Rosie Ramsey:What? The man or the bear? Oh, that was, yeah. I know, you didn't enjoy that, did you? What was that? Oh, it was whether, would you rather be chased in a wood by a man? Or a bear. Is the man with weapon or is the man without weapon? You don't know. I think the whole point was about the toxicity of men of where so many women take bait. So many women chose the bear. I was upset. I was upset. I was upset. I think I, is it a brown bear or a black bear? Ooh. Because one is more vicious, isn't it? I think black bears are more vicious. Yeah. one is bigger and more vicious is that right I don't actually know I don't know I need to know I called a polar bear a snore panda recently so I've got nothing she did call a polar bear a snore panda did you forget the name or something you did with snore panda wasn't it is that what you said a snore panda it's fucking bang on to be fair I think I'm losing my mind getting into that beard okay dear Chris and Rosie please keep me anonymous for the sake of my professional registration and also because I never want this woman finding me again.

46:30I work in oral and maxillofacial surgery. You heard of that?

46:35Rosie Ramsey:No. Maxillofacial. Is that when they put the fingers in your mouth? You're not frigid at all. My God, how dare I? Yeah, you picked your wrong slag.

46:48Here's a problem we've got, by the way. She says, freely uses the word slag so much that sometimes I accidentally use it when I'm not with her and get some weird looks.

46:56Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, you're not allowed to say slag. It's slag out. No, for women it's in, but I don't think men are allowed to say slag. But now and then I'll be like, oh, slag. And people look at me and I go, oh, fuck, I'm not with Rosie. I kind of get a bye when I'm Rosie. I get allowed to say it. You need a hall pass. My mum says I'm allowed to say slag, actually. Wow. Okay, so it says, so think facial trauma, abscesses, and a staggering number of drunk people knocking their own teeth out. All right, okay, nice. But it is kind of what we've been discussing this whole episode. It's a joy to go. I'm not mighty, though.

47:24Rosie Ramsey:18 drunk. Yeah, really. I did it twice and I did it again when I was 24. And did you go, what happened? I just went to the dentist. And did you, they put that, was that tooth smashed or did they give you a fake tooth? I got a filling. If you look really closely, you can tell. I will, yeah. Look closely. When you're both in the toilet after this and she's giving you a foot and mouth, then you have a good look. Oh yeah, when I'm doing your hand, foot and mouth. When I'm doing your hand, foot and mouth. What a phrase, what a phrase. I went to the dentist just the other day, I can't believe the other day, and I had to have a nerve test because he's like, yeah, it's going a bit grey.

47:54Rosie Ramsey:I was like, great. It's going a bit grey. It's still alive. Dead tooth. It's still alive. No, it's still hanging in there. Two decades later. It's when there's certain light, isn't there? If you're like in a nightclub. We'll not have to worry about that. And you smile and then one of them is blanked out or whatever. I know. Or the other way around, I don't know. Right, sorry. Trauma. Trauma. Anyway, yeah. After five years of blood, pus and chaos, I thought I'd seen it all. I had not. Last summer, I was running a clinic seeing new GP referrals. In walks, this lovely lady, and I start taking a history.

48:27She tells me she has a partial upper denture. Here we go. One where you still have some of your own teeth, so it just fills the gaps. So she got that but hasn't seen a dentist in ages. During this time, one of her front teeth has fallen out. Now, most people in this situation have two options. Go to a dentist like a normal human being or accept the gap and do nothing about it. I've just done. Second card. I know exactly what's happened. Yeah, this is horrible. This lady chose the secret third option And went for Go feral and take matters into her own hands She proudly tells me she's sorted it herself And removes her denture to show me her handiwork At this point I'm expecting maybe a bit of dodgy glue Some chewing gum No She had I'd like to invite guesses Oh that was me guess I thought she'd glued it I thought she'd glued the other tooth to the denture But it's not glue It's not glue It's not chewing gum so what she's done is so she's got this palette it's like a like a bracelet palette but it's got the tooth that was there by the dentist now she's knocked another tooth out so my thought was I went she's just glued it to the thing but she hasn't just glued it she's done something else

49:35Rosie Ramsey:but I think has she put a bit of mug what a great shout that is a bit of mug a bit of porcelain a bit of mug fucking hell but like with a logo on it mug the what yeah world's best happy mother's day yeah yeah wow dishwasher I see um dishwasher the little dishwasher I see if you're a girl yeah but am I wrong sports direct fucking hell that was a big tooth so it's not that though it's not that it's not a bit of mug okay okay what is it because I thought you just glued the extra tooth to it she hasn't this woman you're going to lose your mind especially this woman had grown out one of her fingernails to tooth length off cut it off and super glued it onto her denture to replace the missing tooth she had made a nail tooth safe to say I'll never complain about a slightly dodgy denture again that that is that is so inconsistent though like the feeling you get on your tongue of your tooth behind is like should have been better after doing a mug a mug is the right thickness just the handle of a white mug holy shit yeah a little bit you know a little bit of curve in it a little bit of curve in it for you?

50:49I'm not going. Handle is the most rogue shot I've heard in my fucking life. I was thinking a chip. That's disgusting. Handle's way too thick. I don't think I'm thinking the full handle's coming down. That's what I'm imagining now. Like one of them goats where the horn grows into their eye. That has upset me so much. What you're feeling in your mouth is that must be just a nail. I wouldn't have been able to stop tonguing that. I would have ulcers on the ear on my tongue. What if you bite your nails? You're constantly biting your own tooth off. With your tooth.

51:15Rosie Ramsey:With your teeth. We've had some wild stuff on here and that's up there that's crazy also you definitely notice looking at when they smile it's got a little cap like a little peak of a cap yeah right so there's a white bit at the bottom you mean a white bit at the bottom yeah in their defence white nail polish well it's part of their it's got to be right because it doesn't it doesn't look a nail doesn't look I've never looked at my nails and gone and thought they look like tea no mine are like yellow they're disgusting she's buzzing about it as well well but it is part of her body I suppose she's thought like recycle They'll reuse whatever.

51:48And you can paint it any colour as well. Yeah, definitely. So if you want a red one that day. Gold. Christmas, yeah. New Year's Eve, put a gold or silver. Yeah, just get there for Christmas, yeah. I suppose that must have metal grills. No, we can't defend this. I'm not having it. We're trying to be nice here, just in case. Dear Chris and Rosie. Hello. Please keep me anonymous. Always. Let's dox them now. I'm writing to you with a dilemma. My partner and I have always had a very adventurous sex life. Good. All right, show off. And have recently got into the lifestyle. for those that are unaware it's swinging swinging we get a lot of swingers

52:20Rosie Ramsey:writing in defending swinging they call it the lifestyle the lifestyle sounds like a leisure centre doesn't it it's a David Lloyd centre initiative it's called the lifestyle you do paddle you do tennis you do swimming you do shagging dogging yeah dogging dogging and paddle any classes doggie paddle included in the package thank you well done oh for goodness sake sorry wait okay sorry start again start again start again no no no just from the lifestyle start again Again, everything from the top. Let's do 10 more minutes on the word lifestyle. And sit down. Greg and Alice, nice to see you. Okay.

52:52We both enjoy watching the other person receive pleasure from others. It might sound strange. No. But it works for us and our relationship has dramatically improved since starting. There is a very popular website for those involved in the lifestyle and you can search for profiles near you. You can search for profiles near you. Imagine my shock horror when, whilst browsing the site, I saw someone with tattoos that I recognised. And in said photo, they're in, let's say, a compromising position with another person. Important to note that on this website, you can see the people who have viewed your profile.

53:26To be fair, to be clear, that says it here. I'm not just telling you that. So people can view your profile. You can view theirs. Is that card blank? And then you see. This is actually an advert. Is that card blank? I'll just say it's important to note that on the website, if you go on someone's profile, just for future reference, they can see you've been on it. Okay, they can see that you've been up. Something about tattoos. Anyway, what would you do? Use the code ALICELEVINE for 15 % off. ALICE20, hashtag. Yes, with this in mind, and to limit any potential awkwardness, I didn't view the profile and scroll past it.

54:00So it's like sexy LinkedIn, where if you click on them, they can see that you've been there. Oh, they can see, okay.

54:05Rosie Ramsey:Okay. Right. That would be a good name, sexy LinkedIn. I thought nothing of it. until a few days later, I was going through photos on my phone and I saw a photo from a few years back of myself and my dad on holiday. My dad is shirtless in the photo. No. And if you hadn't already guessed, we've already guessed. Yes, the tattoos were on show. This isn't capital, I says, the same tattoos I saw in the profile on Alice Levine's website. Should have redacted that bit. I really regret typing this out at all My parents split when I was young and he hasn't had a relationship since I was absolutely mortified and now I have no idea what to do So guess what I'm asking is what do I do and how do I approach this situation I'm pretty sure he hasn't viewed my partner and mine's profile however I'm scared he may come across this It's obviously not something I want to discuss with my father What should I do?

55:04Any advice you can give would be much appreciated Leave the website Leave the country?

55:09Rosie Ramsey:why should she she's having a nice time first of all first question it's a website she doesn't have to do her dad I must make clear she doesn't have to do her dad that's one of the founding tenets of the website you don't have to do your dad so first of all good podcast title you don't have to do your dad welcome that's like a mash up of all of the podcasts that have ever been made just remember and remember you don't have to do your dad see you next week we should do a podcast together We should do another one together, Paul, that. Yeah. Just about. You don't have to shag your dad doing a porno.

55:44It says that her dad, the brother dad broke up. So then it said the dad hasn't had a relationship since. Yeah. So she forgot he closed. No, no, but he's on a swingers website. How? Surely, do you not have to, this is going to sound really bad. Do you not have to bring.

55:59Rosie Ramsey:No, but he's not had a relationship with him. No, he's not had a relationship. No, no, no, it says he had a relationship. But I think you can join a couple that swing. You're just a solo player. Oh, you'd have to bring your own merchandise. I don't know if it's a team, if you have to be in a team. They've got names. Women are unicorns. Yeah. Because there's not many single women. Oh, they've got to be shagged by strangers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, I believe that. And men, they've got a certain name. And I've totally forgot. It's something like, it's like cowboy or something. It's pigs. It's probably pigs.

56:24But so there's obviously like the couple. And then if you want to just be, you know, like a rogue, the plus one, that's what he, the dad might just be that. He might be the sort of a gun for hire, a cock for hire. There are no stupid questions. This is a safe space. Anything more, Chris? We want you to feel comfortable. Are these all in the FAQs on your website? They're all there. And we also offer a kind of one-to-one mentoring session before you proceed into the community. Absolutely. Good, thank you. The thing is with this, I feel like they're all open-minded enough to just talk about it. Do you know what I think?

57:00Fair.

57:02Rosie Ramsey:Swingers accept swingers, I think. I just feel like, you know, just say it. It's all your profile, Dad. I guess. Welcome to the community. I just feel like she's going to be, if they're within the same sphere, she's going to be looking over her shoulder. Quite literally. And hopefully he's not there. Oh God. Hopefully. This has gone disgusting. This one's gone so too sweet. Here's my thing. You don't want to, and obviously I've done a whole podcast about dads and pornography. You don't, and actually documentaries about swinging, but you never want to think about your parents having sex. I would say, especially with your parents, other parent.

57:38Yeah. Like I think that's worse than thinking of a parent having sex with a stranger. Right. But you also have, no I think it is, isn't it? I don't know, I think it's all quite bad. It's all quite bad. Everyone's thinking right now, everyone's like, I don't know, it's all quite bad. Everyone listening now, think about your parents having sex. Now swap out one of those parents for a stranger. That's worse. Please let Rosie and Chris know. That's worse. But I do think on some weird level you also want them to be happy and right? You want them to be having a nice time. Is it just me? Yeah, no, no, that's absolutely.

58:10Rosie Ramsey:No, yeah, that's very, that is very open-minded of you. I love that. It's great. Very modern. Suddenly feels like we're on this morning. You're so modern. It's why she founded this entire year. Have I lost everyone? I lost the room. No, I think, no. I lost the room and I feel very exposed. No, because parents deserve a good sex life too. I don't want to be on the same website as them. Well, yeah, one of them's got to leave. End of. One of them's got to leave. Can you block people on this website? Maybe. That would be my suggestion. You can click on a dating app. Right? My suggestion would be to block her father.

58:40Block him.

58:41Rosie Ramsey:Block him. Block him good and hard. But I'm kind of with what you're using. Did not need the good and hard. Sorry. Question, how don't you know what your dad's tattoos look like? That's weird, isn't it? I mean, that's the real troubling thing about this story, isn't it? Yeah, I guess. But you would... You'd know them off by heart. Maybe if you saw them off, yeah. No, say malls. I can tell you where my dad's malls are. Could you? Where are they? Okay, wait, weirder thing. Weirder thing. Mapping. let's draw him and we'll map him now sorry weirder than being on the same spot so I didn't think this would come up but we actually don't ever play at kids parties we don't play playing the tail on the donkey we put them all on the dad put them all on your dad you know what I mean though just have a big photo massive A3 photo of our dad's back and we all run put moles on it and then he comes out takes his shirt off and he goes and we see how many it's like the night sky there's the big dipper kids doing they're doing a dot to dot on his back yeah yeah it's great sorry you think You know where all the moles are on your dad's back.

59:37Fucking weirdest thing anyone's ever said.

59:38Rosie Ramsey:You need to be arrested on the spot. Are you moley? So in my defence. I'm not moley. Not moley. My dad used to get really hot. Do you know like Friday night dinner when the dad's always got the top off? You're not making it better. You're not making it better. It's getting worse, isn't it? It's getting worse. So your dad's hot, yeah. Yeah. You think your dad's hot, you love it when his top's off. Come on. Come here, moles. Let's have a look at those moles. In the summer, you'd look forward to it. You see what you've done yourself. Can I press them? You see what you've done? Dad, can I track your moles again?

1:00:03Oh my God. I don't even have to fire him. It's horrible. Answer, honestly, how many photos in your camera roll are of your dad's back? There it is. Camera mole. Camera mole. Camera mole. Yeah.

1:00:13Rosie Ramsey:Listen, good luck with your podcast.

1:00:17Good luck with your mole mapping.

1:00:19Rosie Ramsey:Wrap this up, yeah. All right, love you, Dad. We had a fight about the jingle. Jing-go. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jing-go. So this is the jingle. Jing-go. We hope you like the jingle jingle Ba-ba-do-ba-ba-do-ba-ba-do-ba Jingle