Please Keep Me Anonymous - Best Of Part Four

24:15Rosie Ramsey:You've got lovely new trainers on. I've got new trainers. Box Fresh. Very nice. But yeah, thank you. I don't know what brand. I do know what brand, how to pronounce it. Can you say it? Vajah? Vajah. Who knows? So basically, it's I'm a Celeb South Africa. Yes. And the reason I'm wearing, this is quite the, what do you call it, reach around. But basically, it was the I'm a Celeb South Africa launch yesterday. Yeah. And Gemma Collins is in it. and I spoke to her before the launch and she insisted that I got new trainers because she does not approve of man just turning up like he was popping to the shop.

24:55Because my general dress sense, basically, if you had to name it, it would be man that has had to put on clothes to get something out of the car. That's how I dress, basically. Like one sketcher, one of my daughter's slippers, the joggers with the one string through the hole, the other string dangling down below the knee. So, yeah, so these are because I'm wearing these because of Gemma Collins. It's such a weird, it's like a name drop, but it's not a strange life. Oh, those are nice trainers. Yeah, Gemma Collins told me to get them. She told me I look like shit. Yeah, exactly. It's not a name drop, it's like, yeah, it's your distance.

25:33Rosie Ramsey:Before we started recording, I said lovely trainers, and you just laughed out loud. I know, yeah, I saw it. Yeah, it's courtesy of Collins. So yeah, jungle, jungle again. Did she last longer than a day? Well, I can't tell you that. And this is going to be on in April time, yeah? This is going to be on in April time. I'm a silly, yeah. It's Gemma Collins, Harry's back, Harry Redknapp's back. Right. David Hay and Moffat. Scarlet Moffat, amazing. You know, there's so many names. So it's a best of, basically. Like people who've done it. I don't know what, maybe they thought I was Sam Thompson. I don't know what I'm doing there.

26:08That's it.

26:09Rosie Ramsey:He came second, didn't he? That's it. He won. Oh, my God. Sean, you've been wrong. I know, it's brilliant. Brilliant. No, good for you. I think it's amazing. No, it's a good... You must have enjoyed it the first time around. I loved it. Fucking lunatic. I love... No, I know, I know. But do you know what? I didn't do any of the trials, really. Right. To be honest with you. And so I just got to hang around with amazing people. I never fully, fully watch the full thing. Because it's just... With kids, it's every night. It's like Love Island. Everyone's like, you're watching Love Island. I'm like, what?

26:39Rosie Ramsey:Every night of the week? I'm sorry. sorry no I can't keep up I can't anyway yeah yeah yeah but Solemne's great The Jungle's great I just remember your first scene though when you walked in oh god oh god what's his name Matt Hancock Matt Hancock was there and you were just like hello well I think you went what am I I couldn't well I couldn't put this in the edit because of time I laughed straight for 40 minutes I couldn't it was like a nervous laughter reaction because you didn't believe he was there I couldn't what what are you doing here didn't you weren't you responsible for the handling of the pandemic what are you I just yeah and then within 10 minutes of him being in the show he sang Ed Sheeran to me and I'm like is this really happening so you know when they go South Africa it's bigger it's badder you know it's larger it's going to be tougher I had Matt Hancock sing Ed Sheeran to me it's not going to be that much tougher how do you react to that I think you are the best person though to actually be the first they've thought about that I think they were like they were clever about that it was absolutely it was absolutely surreal I mean like you know I'm only messing with what I said in the tour show years ago so I came out of that and went on tour but I said like I walk into the jungle I'm a late comer they kind of walk me in they push me in you're there in the gear I look around no one's there I'm expecting to see like the 12 cameras no one's there I'm in the jungle I've been isolated for 10 days been in a house because it was it was the first one after Covid so I've been locked on my own for 10 days I'm then released into the jungle no one's there I've not spoken to anyone in 10 days then the man the former health secretary that dealt with Covid walks out of the bushes the reason why you've been locked in a house for 10 days and I thought fuck me everyone's dead this is it it's the end of the world it's just me and that left in the jungle what the fuck have you ever done an isolation tank hell no I don't believe I could be with my own thoughts yeah it's like a coffin full of water and it's the temperature of your body and it's got salt in it so you float so the idea is that it deprives you of all of your sensory input so it just feels like you're floating there and they close it and there's just sort of faint light on the ceiling which is about here.

29:11I've seen them before. And you're meant to be in there for an hour and a friend of mine this is before I knew I had ADHD a friend of mine said I wish you'd go and do one and I went in and I was there for about 45 seconds and I thought

29:23Rosie Ramsey:what am I going to do for an hour? But to be left alone in a coffin with my own thoughts for an hour horrendous. That's torture. I'll be lying there you know Godzilla M &M fill them with the venom and a little bit and I'll do that.

29:36I don't like silence. I can't deal with, do you like silence? I hate it. I hate it. Even when I, if I treat myself to a massage, you know how they've got the, like the lovely spa music. I don't want it. I want like an episode of Friends or an episode of a podcast running so I don't have to think about my own thoughts. Yeah. Otherwise I'm just lying there thinking, got to do that, got to do that. Oh, did that go okay? Oh, I shouldn't have done that. I'm the same. I just want to hear nonsense.

29:59Rosie Ramsey:I start counting the strokes and I'm like, I am insane. We've never got out with double digits We've never got out with single figures We've never got out with single figures We've never got out with double digits One day I think about everything else I can't switch off The stroke was such a terrible word to use You're on the stroke I get obsessed I don't know if I've told you this I get obsessed with the symmetry of it So if I get obsessed They haven't done long enough So they'll do the one side of the leg and then they do this and I go, oh my God, they didn't do the same on that. Never as long as it.

30:36I'm going to be walking around in circles this afternoon. They've broke us.

30:39Rosie Ramsey:Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. My sister's got two boys. She went, you know what, Rosie, one night they'll just not come in your room ever again and that's it. And I was like, that's the saddest thing I've ever had. Yeah. So I don't give a shit. It's like that thing when people say, one day you'll put your child down and you'll never pick them up again and you'll not know. Somebody did that to me when I went out for the first time after having Kit, who was my second one and we went out and we were sitting outside like this cafe and Eva must have been about two and a half and she was like running around and I was there and Kit was just like a couple of days old and these women came up to me and they were like oh my gosh she's so adorable and this woman said you need to look at this poem called The Last Time or something and read it so I was like oh right okay so I was really hormonal anyway and I searched it and it says one day it will be the last time that you ever brush their hair one day you will pick them up and carry them and then you'll put them back down and it will be the last time that you have ever picked them up.

31:32I just sat there crying and was like, what sort of sadist does that to a new mother? That's so awful. That's like a drive-by. Yeah. Yeah, she just walked past, gave you the worst poem in the world and then kept going. It's like, why would you do that? But you did that to me the other day as well. What have I done? So, oh my God, your post about the table. Oh, the table. And then it made me laugh afterwards that you then put another thing on saying, I'd just like to say that I was really premenstrual and it's just a table. But by that point, I was crying, going, it's not just a table, though. It's not just a table.

32:03It's not just a table. All of the times that I was watching and watching them, when they're sitting, I started crying. That table's seen some shit. And it got to the end, and I was openly saying, but no, it's not just a table, though. It's not just a table. Do you know what my husband wanted to do? What? Because I was like, oh, my God, I can't believe that this is along the same lines. Yeah. He wanted to burn the cot. What sort of man or human being does that? Because, right, we moved on to Oxfordshire. He does not want any more kids, by the way.

32:33Rosie Ramsey:You cannot give... This man, he's giving you all of... Do not have any more children. All the signs. Honest to God. You're going to see you've got a log burner or something, aren't you? No, we live out in the countryside, right? So he had a bonfire going in the garden. Right. And he said, we don't need... There's loads of stuff that we don't need now. Yeah. And we don't need the cot, so I'm going to burn it. I was like, are you serious? Can you not, like, he was like, well, we don't need it, so we may as well put it on for wood. I was like, but emotionally, and, like, what it means to us, and every single one of our children has been in it.

33:10Oh, no, it's the same cot that we had for all the children. All of the children have been in the cot, and I said, and aside from that, what that means to me, don't you think that that's, like, a really, like, a bad luck thing as well? Yeah, that's a bad juju. How could you do that on our family? So he did it, he told me he took it down the tip back.

33:27Rosie Ramsey:No, he's burning it. Men don't give a shit. No. They do not give a shit. You would, literally, Chris would throw photos away. He's that kind of fucking devil. I swear to God. I had to tell her that that table was still in the garage. It's not. Has it gone? Has it gone? No, it better not be. I've had to go to Ikea, buy another one, and I've looked at them photos, and I'm having to dirty it up the same as the one that we had. Oh, my God. I'm joking, I'm joking. I've got it. I've still got it. It's in the garage. It's in the garage. It's a bloody good job, Blake. I texted him. Your heart sank. I text him because loads of people commented on the video and they were like, you can't get rid of it.

34:02Rosie Ramsey:And I was like, I can't get rid of it. So no, we're going to keep it. Because loads of people said, what about when you're like a nana and a grandma and stuff? And I was like, then the table comes out. Fuck me, we're keeping it that long. No, but you know what I've already decided? I said to James the other day, when I die, I want you to put me in the coffin and all of their artwork. Are you going to sit the cot? Put us in the cot, put us on the bonfire. Try and make the cot, right? Just extend the cot, right? And bury me in that. But all of their artwork, right, that's on the fridge and on the walls and that I've kept, I said, I want to lie in the coffin and then put all of that on top of me.

34:35And then I had to extend that then to the dog's ashes, who's already, you know, no, she's, no, the thing, no, the two spaniel's ashes, when they die, they've not gone yet, but when they die, they'll come in with me. Right. And then our other dog, Daisy, our Jack Russell, because I wouldn't cremate her. So, oh my God, this is all getting like... So, hang on, are you going to dig her up? I've already dug her up. You can't dig her up. No, you fucking haven't. Sorry. She was my first ever dog that I had as an adult when I was 21. And I was in London and I got Daisy, my little Jack Russell. And so, my God, from the age of 21, she lived until she was 16.

35:09So we've been through like everything together. And then when she died of old age, I said, I can't cremate her. I just can't. I just can't imagine doing that. I just want to keep her and I'm just going to bury her. So that is what we did. And then we all buried her and the kids were there. and then we put her in a basket and put like loads of flowers around her and put a little blanket in it. Oh my God, it was heartbreaking. So we put her in. I was just devastated. And then now, you know, years and years have gone by and we've moved from the house where we buried her. The day before we moved, I said to James, well, you've got to dig her up.

35:44You have to dig her up because she's my first child. She's my firstborn. You have to dig her up. And he didn't even say anything because he was like, obviously he had to because she was coming with us. There was no way in hell. she was going to be left there. I'm sorry, I'm laughing. The night before we went, right, he had, you know, a head torch on and everything and he's there digging her up. Why at night? I think he was doing it. Because they're not the fucking neighbours to see. I think he was putting it off and then it got to a point when he was like, right, you're going the next day. Yeah.

36:17So he had to dig and he said he dug all the way down, massively all the way around, got like literally the whole thing out because we buried her in her basket with all the stuff and everything. And then we had to put her in this big see-through box thing that you put clothes in and shove them up in the attic. So we put her in there and she's come with us. And because I don't think we'll stay in the house that we are in, she's still in the garage now in the box. And I will never cremate her. So until we actually move somewhere where I'm like, okay, this is us retired and we're going to be here forever, we will bury her here.

36:53will either do that or, oh my God, this sounds awful, but if I die before then, basically that whole box is just coming in with me. Pour all of that on me as well, put the lid down, then you can bury me. Wow. And this does make me actually want to tell you that, oh my God, this is generally like a therapy session. I bought somebody else's dead dog the other day. This is like insane, right? I was... What the fuck? You bought someone else's dead dog? Yes, and I didn't know it was somebody else's dead dog at the time because I was in Wales and I was in a charity shop and I loved buying all sorts of mad or sweet, cute little ornaments.

37:33I'd already bought this big, fat blue tit because it had loads of symbolism on breastfeeding and all sorts of things like that. And so I bought that, brought it home. It was about three quid and James was like, it's disgusting, honestly. Sorry, a blue tit, not the bird. Oh, a bird, right. A blue tit, bird tit. He was like, oh my God, it's just not very nice. I was like, it's symbolic for what I've been through. I saw this little ornament and it's like this plastic, see-through plastic. And it's about that size and about that wide. And it's a cute little dog with a collar. And you can see through the plastic and it's got sand inside it.

38:07So I was like, oh my God, it's like a paperweight. You turn it over, there's a little stopper in it. And so I bought it and brought it home, showed it to all of my friends. And they were like, it's a dog's ashes. I was like, of course it's not. It's a paperweight. Look, you know, it's got sand. They said, that's not sand. Those are a dog's ashes. And they said, can you see those big solid bits which are on the top? Those are bone, which haven't, you know, gone to ash. And so I went and I went and Googled it and everything. And I actually found the exact replica of it. It's a plastic little dog ashes thing that you put your dog's ashes in.

38:40So I brought someone else's dog's ashes from Wales all the way back home to Oxfordshire. And we've now got them in the house. And James says to me every day, can we get rid of this now? And I'm like, no, you can't. I don't think you can. No. Well, I said, what I'm going to do is I'm going to go on a dog walk with our dogs, and then I'm going to find a nice tree, and I'm going to scatter the ashes, say like a little prayer, and say goodbye, and then I will have felt that that's respectful. Are they not coming in the coffin with you? Surely there's room in the coffin. I know. I will not extend the invitation to somebody else's dog, but I will make sure that it's been scattered in a nice way.

39:14But that dog could have killed a kid. It could have. I mean, it could have. We don't know why it died. We don't know if it died of old age. We don't know if it was a traumatic death and we don't know if it had to be put down. You don't know. This is what I think about old men.

39:29Rosie Ramsey:You know old men sometimes? Yes, yes. And you think they're all sweet. Well, everyone goes, oh, he comes in here every day. He's such a nice guy. You go, I don't think he is. Yeah. I think his whole family have cut him off because I think he's a dickhead. And I think you think he's this lovely old man and oh, we're buying his dinner. How do you know he's not a pervert? No, I think he's a fucking, I think he's, yeah, I think he's a wrong one, actually. So that dog... So Rosie has told me... Somebody has given them ashes to the charity shop. He was a bad dog. Rosie's told me that theory many a time.

39:59I can't believe she's finally airing it on the podcast, but there it is, the old man theory. That's one. But you could be a pervert, you don't know. Well, exactly. You two in the same room together is danger. I'm not enjoying this at all. I'm very worried.

40:11Rosie Ramsey:You don't see many women knocking about on their own, do you? True. You don't. You don't see many women. They've always got a friend. They've always got a friend or a family member. There is an old woman who used to walk up and down our street, who stopped and spoke to me once, and said that her whole family, children and husband, and everyone else had died, and she was the last one left. Oh, died. I was going to say, I'd phone out with her, and then she's probably... Oh, no, they'd all died. Really? That's sad. And I felt the same as you, Rosie. I didn't trust her. How do you know she wasn't lying?

40:38Yeah, so I backed the car over her. I backed the car over her, and I don't regret it.

40:42Rosie Ramsey:Do you have her ashes? I do. They're getting buried with me. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Chris has got great Sean stories, you know, Sean Moss stories. Oh, God. Really good ones. I'd hate them. I would hate those stories. You couldn't believe me. We once went to a country house with our mutual friend, Jimmy McGee. Yes, this is the stories. A wonderful, brilliant comedian and friend. And we wrote, did we actually write a script? We wrote a pilot script. We wrote a script? Yeah, we wrote a pilot script. I don't remember. But right, I thought we just wrote a treatment. We wrote a script where me, Chris and Jimmy McGee wrote a band.

41:21Yes.

41:21Rosie Ramsey:Oh, I've never known what it's been about. Is that what it was about? Yeah, I think I've been embarrassed about it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're in a band. Yeah, that's fair. What was it for? It was for Channel 4. It was a script. We've got commissioned, yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no. You'll remember more than me. But one of the reasons, I'm sure there were many reasons that it didn't go to TV. people one of the reasons was there was another there was like a comedy group that were a band and they had a sitcom they had a sitcom what was called there was an actual comedy band yeah if young guys younger than us better looking than all three were apart from jimmy yes thank you he's a charm and they had i can't remember their name but they had a they were a comedy band and they had a script in committee and they they went with them yes yeah yeah i once here's like a commissioning nightmare story that I still think about to this day.

42:16Love these. You probably won't remember this. Me, Chris and Jimmy, we got, we just, Chris's agent, like just got us into the back of this car, like instantly went, right, love the idea. We all had several ideas to pitch at sitcoms. Right, come with me. And we just walked straight into a black car and we drive straight to Channel 4. Right. Amazing. What the fuck? What a thrill. Oh my God. You could just drive us straight into Channel 4. We go in. I think we pitched the band sitcom. I think there's another sitcom. And then I have a kind of left field idea. You won't remember this. This is ringing a bell.

42:53Do you know? Come on. Have you got any memory of it? Did you see it in the meeting? Yeah. It was fucking, it was sci-fi or something weird, wasn't it? It wasn't sci-fi, but it was fantasy. Right, come on. Slightly different. My idea was that... I'm getting a flashback of looking at the form.

43:11Rosie Ramsey:Because I'm going to love it, you know. So the idea was me, Chris and Jimmy played animals.

43:25Do you remember this?

43:28Rosie Ramsey:We played animals. And it was like animals. Do you remember Animals of Farthing Wood? Loved it, yes. I loved it. Amazing. Me and Chris and Jimmy played like foxes and badgers or whatever, a rabbit. And we're trying to get back. And if ever it's like, if ever there's like a wide shot, as in, you know, you can see everything, the camera's far back, then you'll see like, I remember I specifically pitched a scene where we were in a service station. And I said, but, you know, when the camera's back, you see there's like a badger and a fox and a rabbit walking around the service station. But then when it cuts in, it's just us.

44:08Just us playing. It's just us as ourselves. But Chris is a badger and I'm a fox. And the woman at Channel 4 broke into hysterics and not the hysterics you want, just started laughing at me. I just went like this. I never forget to do it. Sorry, are you serious? And I had such a sheepish. The best bit about this was, no, no, no, no. The best bit about this was there was a discussion in the car on the way there where we said, don't fucking say the animal one. And he fucking said it. There was a moment of dead space.

44:44Rosie Ramsey:And this is what I meant about Sean's story. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Well, I find comedians very terrible if we audition. See, like actual actors are auditioning all the time. Yeah. And then comedians might do an audition like, you know, once a month or something. And they'll tell you about my audition for that. But an actor wouldn't they'd be just like I just audition all the time That's the thing about it's throwing off shit some sticks you hear like so many massive actors get turned down for roles and you go like but it's the thing in an actor it's like you audition audition audition audition you do 20 auditions you might get one of them or you do 50 auditions you might get one of them but comedians are so fucking precious you get one audition a month you don't get it you go I'm never doing it again and a month later you'll get another audition I've done like three auditions in my entire life got one of them didn't get the other two thought I'm quitting I'm not doing that Yeah, I know, I couldn't have this.

45:34Comedians can't take, no.

45:36Rosie Ramsey:No, no. I don't think so. But I sometimes think comedians make some of the best actors, though. Because I think you're so aware of, like, you surround, well, and, well, actually, no. What happened there was Rosie started saying something that didn't apply to me personally and then changed it. I saw there was a little knockout of the corner of the eyes. Because I'm not aware of my surroundings, because sometimes I can't read a room. No, but actually you are, like, now that I've met other comedians, especially male comedians you're all very similar you are all very very similar very similar people not extrovert like very much introverts which I find surprising yeah but female comedians I don't think are like that they are I think they are different yeah how would I compare a female comedian it's tough you see because I suppose for a female comedian you never have the thing of after a gig men sliding into your DMs?

46:34No. No, they wouldn't. Why would? You're too confident. You're too... The odd one, but they'd be like, can I send you money for nothing or like feed pics? You know what I mean? It would never be... Sorry. Would you like to go on a date or something? Would you be offered money for nothing? Yeah. Right, Rosie, stop it. This is like when you heard about per diems.

46:54Rosie Ramsey:It is. Per diem. This is like, I would, Do you know when you hear about sugar daddies? Yes. I would love a sugar daddy. You would be tempted though, because he is saying like nothing. Yeah, nothing. They just like to buy you stuff. You don't have to do anything. Yeah. You don't have to do anything at all. And some of them like, I think, I think I've heard the nastier you are to them. So it's not even like that you have to respond or say thanks to them with us. Oh my God. I take all that nastiness for free. You just let them send you money and you just say, fuck off fuck off yeah it came is that all yeah it came that bag that you bought came three days late dickhead and I've already spilled coffee on it so fuck you that would give me so much pleasure wouldn't it be great I would love to now older down the line I think like a dominatrix would be so much fun yes wouldn't it yeah but then I don't know no but one that did nothing it was just kind of like there with a whip that would be Yeah, that would be nice.

48:00But a little fox. Stadia! Stadia! That's what I think. Stadia is the best. Look at that. Stadia. I'm not doing anything. I'm not putting anything in clamps or nothing. I'm just going.

48:16Rosie Ramsey:No, I don't want to touch them. No. No, it's gross. It makes us feel ill, actually. But yeah. It's kind of hard when you have to have the card machine. And you have to go, okay. At the end. No, just tap it. Yeah, lovely. Thanks. But then, here's a question, right? I never thought I'd ask. If you are a Dominarics and you're like fucking steady and you're like having a right go at them and you're slapping them and you're spitting on them and that. At the end, when they're paying the card machine, are you then giving good customer service? I thank you so much. Thank you. There's your receipt. Yeah, and then we book you in again.

48:44Please review on Google. Can we book you in again? Yeah. So is it, you know, hanging their coat up and all that when they come in? Is it all lovely? I think so. Or do they come in and you go, you're fucking late, you twat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know how it works. I think you give them a coffee when they come into the waiting area and then when they come into the room, you stink a coffee, stale coffee. Disgusting. Would you like a banana? You've got banana breath, you fucking pig. I don't know why that would... I'd be up for this.

49:10Rosie Ramsey:No, you would... Not having a dunder was I'd be up for being nasty to someone. You could not have a dominatrix do stuff to you. It wouldn't be one either. It would break you. Yeah, it would break us. I would cry my eyes out. It would really... You would, if anything... You would strip us back to nothing. No, you would need, like, to motherage. You would need the other end of the thing. Maybe the baby one. I don't want it. I can't believe I'm saying this. I don't want either of them. No, this is 40th this year. This is why I said it. This is why. We're planning my 40th, right? And the choices are, right, right.

49:41Go into my head, baby, someone just cuddle us and give us some milk and let us have a nap. Or Dominatorix, nap and baby every single time. However, can I have a normal life or live that? I'll have normal, please. Right, okay. This is on film and audio and I've just said that. The only reason I've said this was, I was like, if I say this now, they'll have to say something back. Let's see what they say. Or we'll run with anything. Now I seem totally normal and you're talking about being swaddled. Oh, no, no, you didn't mention swaddling. I get claustrophobic. I'm not being swaddled, I get too hot.

50:18I kind of bit, you know, I thought I'd enjoyed a weighted blanket but I haven't put my feet out the bottom. I'm not getting swaddled. We'll swaddle you and we'll let you peek a little couple of toes in. Weirdly, this is empty of the piss. Someone listening out there, this is their fantasy. There was a man listening to this now who has just got himself an unsolicited erection and shame on you, sir.

50:36Rosie Ramsey:I don't have a fantasy and I find that really sad. Huh? Silenced. I find silenced. Like, oh, silence. Oh, yeah. No, I mean like sexual, like a fantasy sexual. I don't really have any. I don't know. Okay, let's start talking about this. Emma, let's see how good your media training is. Can we just talk about sexual fantasies for long enough and just see if you just blurt yours out and then we'll tell you we can't leave, we'll have to leave it in. I know, I was kind of like, will I say something? Will I? I'm sorry. Right, how long have you been a comedian for, Emma? I have been. How long have you been a pervert, Emma?

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52:36Dear Chris and Rosie, a while back, I was running late to meet some friends for a drink, and I remembered I needed to get some cash out. As I was heading to the cash machine, I noticed a quite handsome guy heading towards it too. So I picked up the pace and ran past him to jump in front. I put my card into the machine and typed in my pin number. Suddenly, the screen went blank, just a white screen. I panicked, as you would, as I thought, of course, the machine had eaten my card. It then displayed, please wait, on the screen for about 20 seconds. I turned to him and showed him that there was an issue.

53:08Suddenly, I heard a faint phone ringing sound coming from the machine. I obviously thought this was strange. So I was staring at the machine, bewildered, and then the ringing stopped and I heard, Sarah? I was like, what? I didn't know this was a thing, but the machine must have somehow picked up who I was and the customer service team were trying to assist me. Molly? I leant forward to the machine and I said, hello? It responded, Sarah, hello? I replied, hello? Yes, I can hear you. The machine isn't working. I don't know what to do. Followed by ramblings of what the issue was and the fact that I didn't think I'd lost my card, etc.

53:51I kept talking, getting my face closer and closer to the screen so they could hear me, then silence. Here we go, guys. Wait for this.

53:59Rosie Ramsey:Oh, God. The handsome man behind me then tapped me on the shoulder and said, I think that voice is coming from you. I think it's coming from your pocket. Oh, no. Oh, God. See? No! I'll just talk to them. Hold on. Hold on. I took my phone out of my pocket, and yes, I had somehow Pocket FaceTimed my dad. Oh, no. Oh, no. And he was the one shouting my name. Oh, no. Oh, my gosh. While I had my head fully planted into the cash machine, shouting out like an absolute moron. I hadn't noticed that the screen had gone back to normal in this time and eventually managed to obtain my funds. Oh, my God. The man stifled his laughter like an absolute gent.

54:44What a gent. Oh, nice. But I don't think he'll forget the girl that screamed into a cash machine for no reason. It's always in front of a handsome man. Way to make a first impression. I'm still single, isn't it? I'm still single and still cringe when getting the cash out. Oh, bless her.

54:58Rosie Ramsey:Easily done. Easily done. That is so good. How are people still pocket dialing? I get pocket dialed quite a lot. Do you? Yeah, yeah. Oh, I always pocket dial people. Really? Because I use Siri quite a lot. Yeah. And sometimes it just decides. Yeah. You'll say like, oh, can you play this song? It's like calling Gary Bishop. You're like, I haven't spoken to Gary for 15 years. Mine sometimes. Yeah, you might have to be. It's simulates. Mine does the same. Mine sometimes tries to phone. I ask for songs in the car with the kids. Yeah. And it'll try to phone someone. Like someone who I know who's famous, but I'm not on phone call and terms with.

55:33so if they saw a missed call from me, people were wearing a hair off. Freestyles. It's not a Jimmy car before? I'm like, I know him, but I'm not going to give him a ring on a Tuesday afternoon. Jimmy, I'm just in the car with the kids. Got any jokes? Yeah, like... Sing us a song. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. After hearing the stories about weird spreadsheets people keep, I wanted to share my story with you. Not a spreadsheet, but something just as harrowing. This story will age me slightly When I was about 14 The local shops were full of magazines Like Just 17, Cosmopolitan Sugar and Marie Claire There was a magazine called More Which was definitely the more risque magazine Yeah I remember that I had that on subscription And Just 17 as well Can I just say that was a part of the magazines That all sounded like sex words More, now, heat

56:26Rosie Ramsey:Miz I remember Miz Oh my god I loved Miz Miz was cute wasn't it Yeah, that was really good, wasn't it? Yeah. My mate was Ms. Magazine, Top Television, Totty 2001. Oh my God, who was he? Neil Granger. Neil Granger. Neil Granger. Yeah, yeah. Ms. Magazine, Top Television, Totty 2001. What was he in at the time? Was it Crossroads? Crossroads, I think he was in. Yeah, yeah. He then played, he then played, we were in, so you know Chris Gurnan? Yes. So Chris Gurnan directed the first series of Heaven, the sitcom I was in, which was Baby Cow as well. And it was just after, she gave me the full Gavin and Sissy Pock set because I hadn't seen it all at the time and she literally brought it and gave us it and I binged it while I was on Heaven.

57:03Oh my God, that's amazing. I love Chris. She's just amazing. She's fantastic. Brilliant. Anyway, sorry, sorry, sorry. I would buy Jess 17 but secretly read my older sister's copy of more from cover to cover. yeah. It included loads of gossipy stories, fashion tips, but best of all, sex advice and a position of the week feature. Position of the week? Do you remember position of the week? I do, yes. Oh my God, it's all coming back. I thought it was just boys magazines that had this no there was sexy bits in this yeah position of the week position of the week how long does that feature run it was every week it was yeah 52 when are you reusing them yeah missionary again like what's going on missionary but slightly on and on I remember looking at all of them yeah and not doing any of them because I didn't even kiss anyone until I was 17 but I was just like oh my god oh my god oh my god position of the week I'm sorry after a month I've ran out can you imagine coming up with all your on the other side it was every week on your left side yeah one arm behind your back yeah leg lifted this time but pointed feet

58:08Rosie Ramsey:yeah fingers crossed but it was always different and there was a full explanation but like you say I was so young I was literally like yeah absolutely not it's like oh my god nobody would even kiss me yet I'm never gonna get to do anything like that real life Julia Julia the magazine got shared around friends at school siblings at home and then ended up in the bin. Or so I thought. Oh, God. Years later, when we were moving house, I was helping my mum pack her bedroom up. I went under the bed and found a lovely Liberty-esque gift box. I opened it, thinking it would be full of mementos from our childhood, first teeth, baby wristbands, etc.

58:50But no. The box was full of... Stop.

58:54Rosie Ramsey:You've got to guess what this is now. Is it... I always tell Chris off because he guesses it right every single time. But I feel like... I'm going to go full in with cutouts of every position of the week. It might be that. A calendar of position of the week. Is that under our mum's bed? What the hell? Do you want me to read it? Yeah, go on. My mum had collected our discarded copies of more magazines, cut out the position of the week, and kept them in a beautiful box under her bed. I was absolutely mortified and stuffed the box back under the bed. Not only was my mum still having sex, but she had a catalogue of various positions that she must have been using for reference.

59:37I was horrified. I am now older than my mum was all those years ago and find it hilarious at how absolutely appalled I was. That's fantastic.

59:48Rosie Ramsey:It's really kind of liberating. It's quite cool and sweet, but... I love the idea that the mum and the husband, she'd get them out, right? She'd shuffle them, like a deck of cards, and she'd find them out and she'd go, go on, Terry, pick one this week. Which one do you want? See which one we're doing this week, Terry. And he just pugs on. I can remember, was it like stick figures? Yes, yes. That they used to, it was like, there'd be a picture of it. Yeah. And then a full explanation. But why keep it in such like a beautiful, I know that I wouldn't be arsed to keep it in like a beautiful box. I just sort of, I'd probably have it in a carrier bag or like something like, oh, you know, Or just in my head going, oh, what wonderful I see now.

1:00:26Rosie Ramsey:You would remember, wouldn't you, surely? Yeah. But it's kind of romantic because these days you just kind of go, oh, God, if we need something to bring what's on, let's have a look on here. Yeah. So, I mean, that's quite sweet. I love that. I love it. I wouldn't know if I wanted to pick them up and hold them because I'd be a bit like, oh. I'm all right for positions, though. Yeah. Loads are different. I don't get that. Well, I think that I get to a certain age now that I'm kind of like, there's only so many. and there's only so many I'm tired I know I know I'm tired you know I'm tired well sometimes I'm really graphic but sometimes I'm like can I just be the one lying down yes and not do anything can I just lie here do you know what I think about like trying to conceive like towards like probably about our third one I sometimes would just be like right come on just get on with it get yourself going right just shove it in for the last bit because I just I just can't be arsed now no but I sometimes because I'd be a bit like I'll just, I'll pause, I'll pause the telly.

1:01:26Right, go on. Right. Okay, we're done. Yeah, it's great.

1:01:30Rosie Ramsey:She has to be in for the last bit. Yeah, it's so true. It's so true. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Dear Rosie and Chris, please keep me anonymous. I've been with my partner for quite a while. I would love to tell you a romantic story about how we got together, but it was basically a one night stand that somehow lasted 11 years. That's us. That's us. Lovely. Wow. 11 years in count. 11 years as well. I had a one night stand. One night's round Was it good? Yeah Yeah it was alright It was decent Sorry this is where I should probably stop asking you about that now and what did you do? I'm literally having my sexual encounters reviewed in front of us by my wife We did everything Did you?

1:02:07Rosie Ramsey:Everything Everything Yeah The people in the next room just fucking lost their minds because they know how uncomfortable I am now You did everything Well like not everything like just full So funny because we love talking about other people's sex but we very rarely talk about our own. Exact same. But yeah, no, we did everything. We did the full sex, everything. I do believe it was full sex. It was full sex. Lovely. Congrats. Thank you. I remember I went home. I remember afterwards because I went home afterwards and I got my chart out and I did tick the full sex box. Oh good, yeah, I'm glad. Isn't it great though when you first meet the person you're with and you're just riding to meet the band.

1:02:48and you're just in bits. Your legs are in bits. You're just like, you're at a UTI every other week. But you're happy. You know what I mean? Yeah. I think that's the best starts. Best starts. Oh, good God. Yeah. Okay, sorry. So this couple had the same. Okay, yeah. Like a lot of couples, we enjoy a cuddle in bed before you fall asleep. Although after 10 minutes, we both are too warm and roll around and face the opposite direction to fall asleep.

1:03:14Rosie Ramsey:That's right. Yeah. After a while I've been together, one night, I felt an arm come around me during the night whilst he was asleep. Cute, I thought. Even in his sleep, he wants a cuddle. This occurred a few times and I quite liked it. However, one night, a few seconds after the mid-sleep cuddle commenced, I had the most bizarre experience of my life. Whilst his hand was on my stomach, he began fingering my belly button. Yeah, right. It lasted a few seconds and then, apparently satisfied, he rolled away and continued snoring. When I mentioned it the next day he wouldn't believe me. Oh Jesus Christ.

1:03:55I have a ninny.

1:04:01Why is that so funny in your accent? I have a ninny. I have a ninny. It's just the way it's such a statement. Look, I have a ninny, okay? So it's more disgusting. Cards on the table. I have a ninny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's a hole basically. Let's stop beating around the bush here. I have an innie. Which is better than an outie anyway. But anyway. I have an innie. I wouldn't say it's weirdly deep but apparently deep enough to satisfy his night time urge. Oh God. Well. I hate him. Jesus Christ. Well a few nights later I felt those wandering fingers approaching my belly button once again. This had become a frequent occurrence over many years.

1:04:39Yes. My poor belly button it's violated with unsolicited fingering on a regular basis. To make matters worse Not only have I developed a very niche ick But the sensation The sensation also makes me need a wee This is fucking horrible This is torture This is actual torture So not only do I get awoken by the least sexy fingering ever I have to leave my warm comfy bed to go for a pee Oh no

1:05:10Rosie Ramsey:I'm not alright with that That's awful Get this man tied down in the middle of the night This is horrible I don't like that I don't like anyone No I don't like being touched when I'm asleep I'm just like get off Well it's not consensual But being woken up Woken up by someone prodding your belly button While they're asleep And they're needing a piss part It's obviously a button being pressed there Well it is Being glad I fucked well me literally wow me and carl hudgenson who's a friend of the podcast who you know who supports us on tour um when we're on tour if like we sit side by side in it in like a van thing and if the tour manager says oh you know there's a service that's coming up is anyone in the toilet if one of us let slip and goes actually i'm desperate we the other one just leans across and just pushes the stomach as hard as he can to try and make the other one piss themselves that's basically what he's doing to this poor woman every night I didn't know that that happened yeah yeah yeah so it's like oh you're desperate just push each other's stomach in yeah it's horrible you see and female comedians wouldn't do that to each other because we would piss ourselves well exactly oh my god I sneezed on the train yesterday I had a little wee I've just remembered it you're going to have to sort out that back I know the pelvic floor is in bits it's the pelvic floor it's everything just remember that she's got a trampoline that she's only been on once she's only been on the trampoline once because she jumps too high well no but you know what you have to do if your kids have a trampoline and they want you to get on it's another button you've got to wear a tampon yeah what full dry are your tampon in?

1:06:45you can give it a spit and put it in but you have to that's the trick for the mass if your kid has a birthday and you want to get on the trampoline with them you don't have your period but you've got to you've got to yeah

1:06:57Rosie Ramsey:could maybe do that but I will try that try it honestly but putting a dry tampon in honest to God I don't know if it's anything worse nobody's putting a dry tampon in everyone's giving a lick Sometimes when it's like towards the end. I'm sorry, it's just out of the pack. So it's upsetting us more. Lick it. I'll be honest with you, it's nothing to do with dry tamar. It's nothing to do with the vagina here. It's the fact that you're licking, like, it's like quite a cotton-y thing. It's just cotton wool. I'm not licking cotton wool. It's making us want to die. It's like getting hair in your mouth.

1:07:23Get the one with the applicator.

1:07:25Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. Yeah, okay, I'll try that. The fact that some men find, like, sanitary products disgusting is just... No, no, no. The dry one. I'm not being used. Licking a dry one is upsetting us, Yeah, you do what you've got to do. Look, there's, you know, I'd rather that. You piss all over me trampoline. It is my trampoline. I could rub your hands by just coming in the door and just a little dry tampon. And you'd be like... Hi, Chris and Rosie. Greetings from the US. Oh, hello. Please keep me anonymous. I work at a retreat centre that turns into an overnight camp each summer. As a counsellor, I live in a cabin with 8 to 10 boys each week Making sure they get to where they need to go And looking after them throughout the day Now, I typically work with our youngest campers Who are all 8 years old and so As you might guess, a lot of crazy shenanigans go down And I love it For a bit of context Each night the boys must carry their toiletries and pyjamas Down a small hill to the bathhouse To get a shower and brush their teeth While they do that, I typically sit outside the cabin and wait for them to return One night, I'm sitting there when one of my little campers runs up the hill from the bathhouse Backpack of toiletries thumping against his back, fully in tears Now this camper is one of the too cool for school boys of the week So the fact that he was crying immediately made me think something awful had happened I want to date with Roars, Carty says.

1:09:00Roars? Rucker asks. This is the love story of real hinge couple Carty and Rucker. Written and read by me, Nicola Dynan. Listen to the free audiobook now.

1:09:14This episode is brought to you by DeeDee's Discounts. Back to School season is officially here, and DeeDee's has everything on your list. I'm talking bold styles, cool kicks, backpacks, and even dorm room essentials, all at prices that won't hurt your wallet. So don't sleep on Dee Dee's. Whether you've got a second grader or a sophomore, Dee Dee's has your whole family covered. Find a Dee Dee's discount store near you and go check it out today.

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1:10:55Rosie Ramsey:is it my backpack the little boy had taken his toiletries out of the plastic put his poo in the bag and put the bag in the very backpack that was resting against his back at the very moment there you go oh bless him yeah he's a mother of sons that breaks my heart I know yeah poo bags are normally for dogs yeah not I've got a really oh sorry I just I always worry we've got sons I always want to be like like I don't want to tell them to freak them out but I want to say sometimes I want to go if you shit yourself at school people will remember when you're 40 don't fucking do it don't do it so many things I want to go look with the benefit of hindsight I'm telling you now I spot people and I still remember that they shat themselves at school yeah maybe that's because I'm petty but you know just whisper that into his ear every night don't shit yourself at school night we had a fight about the jingle we couldn't settle on a jingle so this is the jingle we hope you like the jingle jingle jingle