Please Keep Me Anonymous – Best of Part One

22:42Rosie Ramsey:Oh, and put them on the teats. Put them on the teats. Right, I've romanticised it. I thought I would be like a young Swiss girl doing that. Yeah, with the metal sort of. You did have to get their muck off their teats with your hand first. And I'm squeamish as well. Like I don't like giving blood or genitals or anything like that. So I've had to get like Canry poo of the udders What did they smell? The smell was the last thing on my mind You know I'm doing this Like And then I'm having to get these Huge suckers That are on pipes Like something out of a horror film Onto them Modern day farming isn't it?

23:28Without really being given any Like training because I think they thought that the best way to train people is to throw them in literally at the deep end. You know, that's what I was in. And then, well, then what happened? Because the cows knew that I was new by my touch, well, they would just wee and poo on me.

23:52And I... I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. I haven't told you the worst bit yet. I just love the idea that the cows are like, oh Derek did you shit on the new girl I pissed on the new girl but they did that's what they did I think they knew you were new so they were like screw you and because you're down concentrating you don't see the tail go up or anything like that but this will make you laugh even more so I was in my brand new overalls you know playing at being a farmhand might have put like plaits in or something as well and then he said oh his name was richard the farmer don't worry i'll hose you down i was like hose me down okay yeah i mean i needed to be hosed down so went into the courtyard of the farm and where he got this hose and then was literally hosing me down with cold water and it was in the winter and i was like and i was really small and weak anyway like when i was there and then i just looked up like traumatised and I just saw his wife literally dying of laughter in the kitchen looking at yeah I mean it's probably it is probably quite funny to see the new person everything I did was either wrong or terrifying I'm scared of heights and I had to climb up this ladder to throw the bales of hay down onto like a truck or something so I was going up the ladder like this, oh God, and then climb to this huge, and do you know how heavy a bale of hay is?

25:29I can't even imagine. Are we talking the square ones? I mean, there's nothing in here big enough. But they're not the round ones, they're the square ones. A enormous square block of hay. I fed the cows gravel instead of their feed. I don't know if they were pissing on you. Well, that was after. Gravel! Well, it looked similar. Everything was in these massive sacks. I don't bloody know.

26:01Rosie Ramsey:So you went to bed that night and did you think... I haven't told you the worst. Oh, my God. What's worse than getting whores down? There's two more things. Right. The one thing was bringing the cows in. Oh, my God. is I would actually rather be kidnapped and held at gunpoint and that is not an invitation for anyone who might be listening, by the way. I would rather be kidnapped. What? I wouldn't be because I think I'd be able to get my head around that. Right. Picture the scene. Have you met a cow? I'm terrified of cows. No, Chris, do you know how big they are? They're massive. Because of their personality.

26:47You've never asked me if I've met a cow. They are enormous. I'm terrified of them. Enormous. Yeah, they're huge. Huge. Yeah. And even though they're not naturally aggressive animals. They can be, though.

26:59Rosie Ramsey:Yes. If a cow ran at me, I'd shit me pants. Yeah. Well, let me ask you something, seeing as this is such fun. You're 15. You've been told to bring the cows in. What does that mean? I don't know if you gave me a tiny stick or something Shows you where they are in a field Which is a long way away It's not like next to the farmhouse So you go out And it might be a frosty morning I think it was the winter Anyway so you go out There's nobody else around You have to get 20 cows To follow you So I'm going A they're huge B I'm like going Please come in Please follow me Like prodding them a bit Oh my god Like I haven't got a dog I mean what would I do with a dog You know Because dogs get sheep anyway But I don't know I know what you mean Yeah So you're trying to You know You open the gate And actually fair play God bless them Did they go After a while They did sort of You know I'd be going Come on please Yeah I think I cried The whole two days Because I was like crying Going up the ladder crying oh my i've just remembered something so the two things the one is he said have you driven a tractor before i was like no and he was like okay so we jumped on a tractor and he was like this is how you change gear blah blah blah went across two fields and then he said we'll just go through some fields and then we'll drive back to the barn on our way back i was talking to him They're really noisy as well.

28:38And I was like, oh, he's not really answering. He had jumped off and I hadn't realised. And I was talking to him, oh, how do you stop it? And he's not on the tractor. He's like a field back, like waving at me. So I just, I didn't know how to stop it. So I sort of drove around for a bit and then sort of drove into like the side of like an outbuilding. This is wild. It's not the worst thing. What do you mean? Oh my God, what is this worst thing? The worst thing that made me cry the most and took the longest, and the only thing I can relate it to is, well, I had to get a newborn calf, which was covered in all the yellow stuff, from a pen into a cage on the back of the tractor.

29:27Oh, my God. And this is just in two days. Oh, my God. This is crazy. How did you do that? Well, I obviously didn't. It must have been like trying to pick up something that's been buttered. But it's not like a puppy size. No, they're massive. Oh, God, they're huge. A calf is big, upset because it's going to be taken away from its mum. I was upset about that. It can't really stand properly, so its legs are like falling out from underneath it. In the end, I just stood there crying.

30:01Rosie Ramsey:I'm sorry. No, I would do the same. I think you've got to be hard to work on a farm, don't you? You've got to be tough. No, you've got to be born into it. Yeah. Or a psychopath. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. My favourite animal is, one of my favourite animals is a fox. I'm really down for... Listen, Rosie. I'm down for animals that have bad reps because I like rooting for the underdog. Okay, well, wait till you own a house with a garden. I have a house with a garden. They're all right. We've got a couple of dogs, so they don't bother us. Well, we got them in our garden. and you just think one night when my kids are out, are they going to come and take one of my kids' faces off?

30:38Rosie Ramsey:No, right, okay. Eat your kid. That happened where we live. That's happened, man. A fox got in someone's house and went to the baby's cot and like bit the baby. That's very rare, Rosie. I swear, well, it happened. But has it happened? Also, but that happens with dogs. Yeah, I haven't fucking got one either. Jordan, do you not understand? No dogs, no foxes. Can I tell you why? Get a cat. I think foxes are so cute and I think they are gorgeous. and sometimes when we see the little baby ones I'm like oh my god the reason I didn't like it is because these foxes that were in our garden kept waking the kids up at four o 'clock in the morning no listen the way they sound at night is a fucking joke the crying baby shit when they're having sex and they're mad yeah it sounds like it sounds like an underage orgy happening in your garden someone was asleep when they were making up the animals for that yeah they were waking the kids up I was right I'm sure I talked about this on the podcast but when Rafe was getting up when our youngest was getting up the shit in the garden the shit fucking burns the grass yeah yeah yeah they're wild but they are cute they are but one morning must have been about half five maybe earlier and Rafe was getting up really early and I was like I don't like lying in bed if I'm up I'm up so I just go downstairs I remember I stood at the window and I was just watching and this fox was just walking down the patio it was just like giving it large they're getting braver they are it saw me and it went and it like started running it was running on the spot and I could see there was part of its brain going fox are you doing up at this time like why are you half five we shouldn't have seen each other I literally I remember turning me Rafe was like three at the time I remember going I shouldn't have seen that I should be asleep yeah foxes they roam so the mad thing is I I remember there was one day right where like I was with like this is like an old old girlfriend and it was like you know I've been very public I'm always I've got loads of fox mugs I've got a fox tattoo anyway I was a bit sad I was a bit sad that day and I remember they saw a fox and they went oh look it's a fox Jordan in the middle of the street and I was like oh it is but obviously I know a little bit about foxes I'm like if there's foxes alone in the daytime this isn't a good sign really so we like walk up and the fox isn't even running it's just chilling oh this is so sweet as in like this would cheer you up and I'm like I don't think this fox is okay I kind of get near it and then it kind of like hobbled into a bush I went and got some food some water left it out was barely going near it wrong the RSPCA the woman's come down in the van and she went oh yeah you know this is typical around this time of year you've done the right thing and I'm like what do you mean boss she gets the thing out the car and she went look this is the this is the most humane thing to do and they literally in front of me but it's my favourite animal and I was already sad listen listen this was so mad I was like what do you mean she went this fox is injured it's been left by its pack it's out in the day because it's going to die slowly over two weeks.

33:32The most humane thing is to kill it now. And I went, oh my God, I've just called for the assassination of this fucking fox. And then this is the bit that killed me the most. She went, look, it'll be over in a second. She opened the back of the van and another dead fox fell out.

33:50And she went, oh, sorry. I was like, stood on the side of the road. I stood on the side of the road in floods of tears where I was sobbing my eyes out and she went, you guys can carry on now. And then the next was like, maybe it's not a sign. Oh my God.

34:11Rosie Ramsey:I did not think you were going to say that dead fox came out. She had killed about four that day. This woman was going round. Because that's what it is. You still got a number, go ahead. No. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, back. Hi Chris and Rosie. Please keep me anonymous. A fellow veterinary This is the homeopathy again. Do you know what's so gassed as well? Because I'm not in school anymore and rightly so. I it would be inappropriate if I was still turning up. They'd be like let it go bitch. I I do find it I feel like I'm losing my spelling a bit because I don't write like you know the way in class you're always writing.

34:52Rosie Ramsey:Yeah yeah yeah. Anyway that's just an excuse if I completely There's no judgment here, Joanne. No judgment here. We know you can't see when we pass a veterinarian. And you two winds in. A fellow veterinary co-worker, let's call him Chris, told me this story and knowing he's as straight as they come, I just know it will be true. Okay. Chris lived with a much lesser paid colleague who was a veterinary intern. Long hours, weekends, nights and on call for one of the lowest paid wages in the hospital. Oh my God. Remember, have you seen your man who puts on the prosthetic legs on the, is it SuperVet?

35:23No. No. And he puts like prosthetic legs on animals and all. Oh. It's deadly. Anyway, we'll continue. Nice. One weekend at home and his housemate working. He was, I don't know. One weekend, something, housemate working. Chris was looking through his chest freezer looking for dinner inspirations. At the bottom of the freezer he noticed some sealed cardboard boxes with no labels or hints of what was inside. He decided to open one and have a look. Oh God. No, it's bits of animals.

35:50Rosie Ramsey:Inside were... Oh. I'd like some guesses. Do you want some? or guesses bits of animal right no could it be dead mice to feed to a snake because it eats frozen mice it's a great recommendation but this is a full this is fucking it's his ex-wife no it's bits of dog or bits of cat or something it's horrible this is horrible go on pigeon I feel ill pigeon yes no your eyes oh my god they lit up that was so cute

36:27Rosie Ramsey:I will let you let's on your bucket list I'm telling you I'm happy now will I tell you yeah a self-sealed plastic bag zipped shut each individually containing a big fat frozen poop exclamation point in the free in the fucking communal freezer it's in a sandwich bag let's not be germaphobes when the housemate returned Chris decided to open the conversation with so I was looking for food in the freezer and came across Boss? Oh, you found my boxes, the housemate replied. No shock, no lies, just a plain admission that they were his. Vile. Turns out he had an arrangement with a colonically challenged internet customer who'd agreed to buy his poop so that he could replace his gut flora and improve his ever problematic digestive system with the contents from my housemate's seemingly balanced bowel.

37:17Sorry, so this is going to fuck all to do with being a vet. He's selling his shit online. I think that's what I'm reading. Yeah, they would meet in a service station and the poop would be handed over in exchange for, can you guess how much?

37:36Rosie Ramsey:Money. Fiver of poo? Money. No, it's got to be more than that. You've got travel and that. No one's shitting in a bag for a fiver. 50 quid. Yes, bang on the money. 50 quid of poo? How do you know that? Listen, I'd rather not comment. I'll be honest with you. Suspiciously bang on there, Chris. It was a complete guess. And obviously, you know, anyone listening who does want poo, 50 pound of shit that's actually not too bad like some fecal drug deal I have so many questions so do I did the customer put the poop directly into his butt or was it treated in some way as a cocktail formulated for him to drink that was my first question really tick he's ingesting it he's ingesting it yeah for sure it's like when a woman eats her child's placenta sounds pagan but it's actually really good for your insides I know it's just not what I'm nothing against anyone I just wasn't at that I didn't think about that I have a lot of friends who got turned into tablets and yeah that kind of jazz but do you know what actually one of them was saying really she goes I wouldn't be bothered with that again I think it can get swept up in a lot of shit I was going to say but you know what I mean literally that's what I'm saying at that point in time I just wasn't thinking about eating new blood yeah you're getting on with it it's like I've got getting on with it I couldn't breastfeed so I was just yeah that was more a concern yeah but I know I've heard of this fecal people eating their own shit what do you mean why what do you mean It's like the new thing.

38:53What? It's a fucking new thing. I hate everyone. Yeah. It's like, it's basically very bougie Botox. From what I know, it's all very woman circle Ibiza. That's my understanding. Right, fuck me. Like I say Kate Moss is eating around shit if I was to guess, allegedly. It's up there. I love how you just run. You just don't give two shits about anyone. But you know what I mean? It feels very... I mean, that's a... Like salmon sperm injection. That's a light meal. Have you had that? Are you?

39:20Rosie Ramsey:No, I haven't ever. Taking the piss? oh I've had a there's a lot of sperm in my face they're all laughing I'm surprised there's a fish left yeah Chris they're not I'm not wanking them they're wanked somewhere else and then put in my face also you're not even you're not even putting I'm not engaging with the animals really you're just if anything that's disgraceful that's worse I know it is actually how many salmons does it take to get sperm because they're like I don't know I don't meet them no it's not like we there's no arrangement wow she's got a guy I'm watching me a cot at the back of a petrol station pound of 50 quid for a sperm are they showing the salmon porn I don't understand what's happening I know it's so cute we'll never know we'll never know but it's so but that's like legitimate that's actually happening and look I'm not gonna lie if I thought it would knock a year off me would I eat my own poo you'd eat your own shit probably this person is literally eating a stranger I eat cheese strings what could be worse than that but honestly what could be worse than that I wouldn't have a bad word said about cheese drinks really when cheese when we had children my question is why do you have all these children things in your fridge when you don't have kids they're in our fridge because we've got kids now because I have the palate of a four year old are you supposed to eat there no I'm not I could eat the same thing over and over and over again I could eat waffles and beans I could eat nice my palate just never I'm not a foodie at all right at all I love eating but like do you ever do you ever push the beans into the holes of the waffles no because I put so much butter on and they're all floating around they couldn't stick even if I tried you butter your waffles you have a waffle and you butter you butter a bird's eye potato waffle of all the cultural differences between Ireland and the UK I didn't expect it to be butter on a waffle I've never buttered a waffle what what do you do with them just fucking eat them cook them and eat them how do you make them moist I don't my saliva that sort of handles that.

41:19Oh no. Mine are like, they're basically mashed potatoes. Yeah. Right, so you butter. It makes sense though

41:23Rosie Ramsey:because I put butter on a jack potato. Why wouldn't I put it on a waffle? Two waffles, take them out and then put easy singles in the middle of them. What, sorry? What's that? Easy singles? Cheese. The plastic cheese. The plastic cheese. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then butter it all and let it swim around if it's down in Greece. It makes sense. And a glass of peanut. Oh, nice. Perfect. Pairs well with the cheese. Perfect. Ba-ba-do, ba-ba-do, ba-ba-do, ba. starting or growing your own business can be intimidating and lonely at times your to-do list may feel endless with new tasks and lists can easily begin to overrun your life so finding the right tool that not only helps you out but simplifies everything as a built-in business partner can be a game changer for millions of businesses that tool is shopify shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10 of all e-commerce in the U.S.

42:14from household names like Gymshark, Rare Beauty, and Heinz to brands just getting started. Shopify has hundreds of ready-to-use templates that can help you build a beautiful online store that matches your brand's style. And you can tackle all the important tasks in one place, from inventory to payments to analytics and more. No need to save multiple websites or try to figure out what platform is hosting the tool that you need. And if people haven't heard about your brand, you can get the word out like you have a marketing team behind you with easy to run email and social media campaigns to reach customers wherever they're scrolling or strolling.

42:50Start your business today with the industry's best business partner, Shopify, and start hearing. Sign up for your$1 per month trial today at shopify.com slash realm. Go to shopify.com slash realm. That's shopify.com slash realm. Did you know Sam's Club isn't a store? It's actually a club with cool finds and like a whole community. It's a club. Of course, Jason. It's in the name. Sam's Club. Oh, yeah. Come join us. Sam's Club. This one goes out to all my ladies. All my multitasking mamas who need energy to show up at work and at home. All my empty nest explorers who need a little gut health support for the journey ahead.

43:39AG1 is the daily health drink designed to support whole body health with over 75 essential nutrients and pre and probiotics. So you can make the most of every day and every decade. Learn more at drinkAG1.com.

43:57Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. Always. Me and my husband were on our long walk one weekend. We'd had a lovely pub lunch and we were on our way cross country to get home. My husband is a bit of an exercise guy, so he loves to be active at the weekends. And after our own heart there. Yeah, there he is. Wonder if he washes his face with carrots. It was when we were in the middle of a field that he was caught short by the dairy in his lasagna and told me that he needed to go immediately. Immediately. So when I heard long walk and pub lunch, you heard me go, You're at that age in life now.

44:38I know the brand and I am at that. I get it. I get it. Although I'm telling you right now, I will not shit outside my own house, even by accident. You will never catch me. Really? Nah, you will never catch me.

44:48Rosie Ramsey:There's a personal question. Can you poo in public toilets? I don't like doing it. My dad is an absolute mate. I'll tell you the story of my dad after this. Okay. But anyway. I will only poo in a hotel that I'm staying at on my own house. Nothing else. Oh, nice. He just loves hotels. Right. He needed to go immediately. Right. To be fair, there was no one around, so off he went to squat behind a tree. Animal, disgusting, lock them up. Feral. We'd been here before. What, that location? That dog can go back to the same place. So I wasn't surprised by his need for a nature shit. Okay. He came back from behind the tree and we carried on walking.

45:35After a few minutes, I started to smell something. No. Turns out he had tied his shorts up too tight and didn't get them down in time, thus shitting himself in his boxers. Sick, man. This guy's gone out for a lasagna and hammocked his pants. Hammocked his pants? Hammocked! Hammocked! Is that a thing? Have you just made that up? Is that a Nashville thing? It always makes me finger that. It's a Nashville thing. Hammock! Swinging about.

46:03Rosie Ramsey:And he's quitting. Yeah, and he is. Hammocked his quitters. He's hammocked his quitters. Sammy, you're going to have a podcast now. That's it. But you refuse to throw them away. No. Nah. I understand. You understand? What if they're a nice set of Patagonias or something like that? Oh, shut up, man. No way. And also, they're probably made of just, like, plastic. So you just... No, he's not being ecologically minded yet. He's just being... He would rather walk home kicked in his own feces than just buying a pair of 100 pounds. Mate, it's like snapping the tabloids. He could have got rid of it. Go on.

46:34This is gross. Just refuse to throw them away. He said they were his technical pants.

46:40Rosie Ramsey:That he liked to wear when he exercises and he didn't want to sacrifice them. Safe to say, I walked the rest of the way 10 steps ahead of him. Very much staying upwind. Gross. Out of interest, do either of you own your own technical pants? Now, first of all, awful. second of all the fact that he just didn't I couldn't how embarrassing what I couldn't walk home with it what if you see someone you know yeah yeah it's disgusting and you're not walking normal as well no he's John William in the shit with that yeah 100 % he's disgusting I've got I'm a Y front guy now I've got to I'll be honest with you all my friends have gone Y front and I feel like so it's funny how old are you again I'm 36 two years so I'm still wearing like surf shorts like longboard shorts which isn't a good well actually no to be fair they're not like down here they're there so they've got they're slightly European right bad for your balls you know they're better yeah yeah not bad they're bad yeah you need some support you've got to keep them supported oh I thought you just let them no you're taking that hammer no it's actually bad for them I wonder my balls are long well there you go you've got to keep them in right so my name's my name's my name's Sam Raider Wilton Wembley this next one's called my balls are long oh long balls my balls are long yeah and balls a long man.

48:07But yeah, you start feeling like a bit immature when you're hanging out with your mates when they're all wearing Y-fronts. Yeah, Christy, you do look very mature.

48:15Rosie Ramsey:It's very sort of like, oh, why did I think of Christy and Bill in Bloody, in American Psycho? Wow, thank you for that. It is a bit that. But I started wearing Y-fronts for exercise because I was on, I think I was on an exercise bike and there was, you know, they were dropping each side of the seat Like sitting on walnuts. And the fact that we haven't, the fact that, side note, the fact that we haven't redesigned the bike seat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what's going on, but anyway, so I started wearing Y-fronts for exercising and then one day I was just popping in the shop and I didn't have any of the boxer briefs clean and I thought, I'll put the Y-fronts on.

48:50New man. Really? I felt taller. I felt swift. I was fucking ice skating to that shop. It was unbelievable. I think they look quite,

48:58Rosie Ramsey:they make your bum look quite nice. Thank you. But then again, What brand do you get? I'm going to go and get some now. Puma or Bam, the bamboo ones. Oh, I've heard a lot about bamboo stuff. Very nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. However, if I'm around the pool on holiday and there was a man in Speedos, I want to physically hurt him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, they're not for public consumption. No, I'm short around the pool. So you're against the swimwear, right? Because this is the thing. A lot of my mates have started wearing like the swimwear version. So when you go for a little sea swim all together as a group, I feel like an actual teenager.

49:30Child, yeah. Yeah, with my Volcom shorts on. everyone's wearing speedos and I'm like exactly it's got a sort of vibe of wearing DCs there's a cut off point quicksilver do you know what I mean yeah

49:41Rosie Ramsey:I think honestly Chris I think you're about eight years away from wearing speedos on the beach I swear to God if I wear speedos if you catch me wearing speedos on the beach remind us of this and I will walk into the sea and never come back right okay oh are you excited for that yeah yeah yeah tell me about your dad you were going to tell a story about your dad and the poo and not in the hotel oh yeah yeah Yeah, my dad is one of those guys and we always joke because when I used to work with him on building sites and stuff where sometimes there'd just be no toilet and sometimes you'd work around like a posh person's house and they'd lock every door.

50:13You weren't allowed to. You couldn't even think about having a shit in their toilet. They just weren't allowed. And yeah, that's what they did. No, no, yeah. Yeah, 100%. It's true, it's true. I always make the builder's cups of tea and stuff but the day the builder asks to use me toilet for a shite, I'm well upset.

50:27Rosie Ramsey:No, you see, my brother's a plasterer so I'm very on, like I think it's a shame isn't it but we got told we offered I offered quite a lot to people who've worked in our house but then we found out they've just got a bucket in the van a bucket in the van well my dad's been driving before and his phrase is almost oh I must go that's it it's always oh I must go and me and my mate Gary we used to work with him like putting up doing all stud work and ceilings in this like you know opposite the Tate Lyle factory on the Thames like in Woolwich area they had all these old buildings that they converted into studios me and my dad and my friend Gary we did all that together but I love your love in the past lives yeah it was like there'd be this plastering bucket in the van and yeah not me not a chance no but people of a certain age in the trades they've been through they don't care they don't care they've been through it all and they just gotta go and the end as my dad says I must go and the apprentice cleans the buckets so he's going to win yeah yeah yeah actually yeah in the end I ended up sort of having to do it no way no way I want to make that clear my dad did not force me to clean shit out of his classroom that is fine I'm honestly not I couldn't go anywhere me really yeah creep up on me though you know I think I've got high BS I just don't want to cut anything out so my brother like literally I'll be fine and then it's like oh I must go so I'm just like yeah whatever and Moscow's lovely it's quite a middle class way of saying it well yeah but the way he did it wasn't because he was John Waning or I've been in with like him while he's listening to the radio driving home and his legs are doing this oh I must go and the traffic's getting worse and you can see him stressing and I'll just be sat next to him howling laughing because I can see like just I can see this man losing his will to live do you know what I mean and I'm fine my bowels are empty and you feel free as a bird innit and knowing that you don't have that concern because everyone knows what it feels like.

52:28It's the worst. It's one of the most sort of pathetic feelings. You feel so vulnerable. Either time, if you're just like, oh my God, I need so much. Like a hedgehog without spikes. Even if I'm in the tour van and we're going to a gig or if I'm just in the car or anything and I need a wee even, there's something in your brain that goes, I will feel like this forever. This will never go. This desperation is going to be with me forever. And then you go tight and you can't believe it. You're like, I've been, it's gone. Yeah, you feel amazing. You come out like Carlton from The Fresh Prince.

53:01Every time. Mate, it's so true. Never get told. The purest freedom from concern exists, is that.

53:08Rosie Ramsey:Why is it that no matter where we are, who we're talking to, we always end up talking about shit? Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. I am mum to five kids, well done. And to clarify, yes, it's chaos. My husband and I had our 10-year anniversary this year. My mum flew over from the UK to look after the kids so we could go on a special kid-free holiday to the Maldives. With no one to ruin my clothes, I decided I'd start my holiday in style with a classy yet relaxed white linen co-ord. Nice. I felt like a different woman. Now, before boarding, we had a few beers, as you do, a meal, and enjoyed the relaxing experience of kid-free travel until we get to the flight.

53:58I'm upset. I'm already upset. As soon as you said white, alarm bells ran. As we all sat with the seatbelt, by the way, if there's any casting directors watching, please. As we're all sat with the seatbelt light on, my stomach was churning. Oh, Jesus. But the night finally turned off. I ran down the aisle, Literally pushed past the other passengers waiting for the toilet And ran, ran in, sorry The second someone came out It was too late My beautiful new white linen pants were ruined Oh no, no I sat on the toilet crying Well I know what that's like So much crying on this podcast With the start of food poisoning I was in there so long The air hostess knocked on the door to check on me I was so scared to open the door and face a plane full of passengers, of strangers.

54:50My husband slept the whole time and didn't know what had happened. Luckily, and out of habit, I had a change of clothes in my carry-on. But I couldn't relax a second of the 16 hours of travel. I felt so ill and was constantly heading back to the toilets, avoiding all eye contact. Looking forward to travelling with the kids again next time, as being covered in kids' mess is much less embarrassing than my own. Don't wear weight on a fly.

55:16Rosie Ramsey:This is the thing. Don't wear white Don't wear white in general I think Yeah white pants is bold Don't wear white pants I haven't got any white pants I haven't got any white pants I think I've got one pair of white jeans And I don't wear them No Because I think That's the thing I've never in my life Shat me pants as an adult But I will do it If I wear them Kind of thing Well one week of the month I can't wear them anyway That's dangerous God it must be Yeah That's She's Yes I think you have to be Confident when things like that Happen though own it own it waddle down that aisle you know we are what are we we're just bits of meat that make noises and smells it's so true it is it is what a beautiful sentiment to end on I'm not going to do online dating but if I did that would be my your bio I'm just a piece of meat that makes noises and smells yeah come and get me I'm ready Babadoo babadoo babadoo Can I tell you a story that seems kind of relevant and you can decide what to do with it if you will Yeah I it's going back a long time but there was how will I tell this without litigation a friend of a friend Say allegedly Allegedly You know what a friend of a friend was going out with a guy and he was behaving she thought he was kind of cheating on her and we were chatting about it and then she said I should have known when I found the shildo in the freezer.

56:50Shildo?

56:51Rosie Ramsey:Shildo? What's a shildo? Should I know what it is? No, I pray that you do not. Oh right, okay. Is it a female dildo? No, it's basically and I'm only saying this because you brought up poop in the freezer. Come on. Her fella shatting a con shatting a con I can't even say it. Shatting a condo. Shatting a condo unfrozzled. And uses it as a dildo. to himself. Oh, fucking hell. Anyway, it's so nice to meet you guys. This has been an amazing episode. I'd love to come over again. Come back again. She'll do that. And you know what the art is called when you do that? The art? Are we calling it art?

57:30Rosie Ramsey:Abstract.

57:34He's an artist, darling. Picasso, my love.

57:37Rosie Ramsey:I think it's called Zummin. What? Oh, is that? Yeah, Zummin is when you masturbate no zooming is when you masturbate with a frozen shit dildo no I did not expect you to I did not expect you to clap back my shill down story with something even worse I know well I just I missed that step I didn't know it was called shill down yeah oh shit dildo shit dildo you just wear that out Chris you need to do better and educate yourself how you've nothing to contribute to the shill down zooming situation should I tell you about falchion can we just no can we just can we call it a day now what is it no it's when somebody a man ejaculates inside of your arsehole and then you suck it out with a straw oh yeah that's Sunday afternoon god if I had a penny for every falchion every time I was falchion flat out falchion yeah it's a hobby it's a lot of butter on it do you want me now he has falched out honey grab the shildo shildo has upset me and that's what strictly for the evening just relax shildo has really really upset me something rotten how do they get it in the condom there's my question the falchion now I have to say that's kind of fucking worst sausage factory ever.

58:44Ugh. I can't even describe how bad that would be a day of trying to put my own shit into a condom. What are you doing? Oh, well, you're not, Chris, think outside the box now. You're not shitting, you're not trying to get, you're not trying to aim it in. Yeah, but there's going to be a moment where you're opening a condom and you're trying to put your... And you decant.

59:03Rosie Ramsey:Is there not a moment where these people are doing this and they think, what have I done with me like? People love it. People love it. And they're not hurting anyone. You can't even see what's going up your arse. Just use a normal dildo. Why's it going to be a bit of shit? It's so dark in their head. They're like, this is gross. Look how gross I am. I've said it before and I'll say it again and I believe we should hold hands and really, really try and get it to come. Can I hold hands? You can hold your hand as well. I'm going to say it out loud. Send the asteroid. Oh yeah, I know what you mean.

59:31Send the asteroid. Send it now. Let it get me first. Straight to Rousey first. She'll be out there kind of trying to catch it in her face.

59:40Rosie Ramsey:Don't let me live in the freezer. Because the baddies always survive. That's a thing. The baddies always survive. The baddies always survive and I don't want to live in it. Freezing each other's shit. At least if there is a zombie apocalypse, there'll be no electricity to run the freezers to freeze the shit in common. Thank God. And I think that is where we leave this. I think that's a lesson for us all. We have to go. I think that's where we leave this. Yeah, I agree. Thanks. It's been freezing. It's been, you know, hasn't it?

1:00:10Rosie Ramsey:Doo doo doo doo.