Please Keep Me Anonymous - Best Of Part Two

17:45I wouldn't. That's what he said. That's what the guy said. I'm not sure about that. That's what the guy said. He said he worked on it and he said the flight back from Ibiza I wish you went... Nah, mate, I'm really sorry. You've got that completely wrong.

17:55Rosie Ramsey:You're just like kids. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Hey, Chicago. Class it up with Crocs. You know back to school is coming in fast. So why wait to find your new fave footwear? Step into a local Crocs store and step into your new look. Try it. Style it. Make it yours. Because the right pair doesn't just show up. It shows off. First day fits, handled. Walk out ready for whatever's next. Visit your nearest Croc store today. Hey friends, Olivia from OLLI. Between new routines and the ultimate group project known as parenting, you need science-backed solutions that work with your life. That's where OLLI comes in.

18:38Start your mornings off right with Maltese made to support nutrition and immune health. Choose from our lineup of gut-supporting probiotics, and we've got occasional sleep support to help the whole fan chase their big dreams. Head back to class with the number one gummy supplement brand. Stock up on Ollie.com today. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. This episode is brought to you by Welch's Fruit Snacks. Back to school season can be tough on parents. But choosing a snack you and your kids can both get behind doesn't have to be.

19:10Stock up on Welch's Fruit Snacks, made with whole fruit, and now made with no artificial dyes. It's a snack kids already love And one you can feel good about giving them Go back to school with Welch's Fruit Snacks Now made with no artificial dyes

19:27Rosie Ramsey:Babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo I hate knowing secrets of telly Yeah it kind It didn't ruin it No it ruins everything Yeah I can't watch a TV show now When you did Heaven That's when it all That's when it really ruined it for me Right Because we went And the house they only ever shot the front door and then the rest of it was studios in Manchester. All of the rooms, every single room was a studio. It was not a real house. And I was like, what do you mean? What do you mean? This is it. And then there was... She took it really badly. And there was lights being shone through, like for the sun. And I was like, this is just ruined.

20:03That light, that was the sun, I used to go and stand in front of that and have a cup of tea in an afternoon. It was so lovely. Oh, bet. So lovely and warm. Did you ever go and watch him Strictly? Because that's a long record. Have you done Strictly? I've not done it, but God, I've never been to one of the records, but you get a pack of biscuits and a lot of popcorn. That's what's put me off going. I would never stay for the second bit. Well, you did straight. Yeah, yeah, but I was on there. But I'm saying if they went me, if I had to go and watch, say Rosie did the series, they wanted us to go and watch someone, I'd say I'm watching, I'm not sitting there for the results.

20:31That's what I've got to do. It's about a six hour day.

20:34Rosie Ramsey:It is long. I once, when we went to watch you, do you remember when I spilled a glass of wine on us? Yeah. Full glass of white wine. I had to sit with a wet dress and I stank a wine. and then Anton Dubeck's wife, who's very posh, you get along great. I mean, as I think case in point, I get on with a lot of people. No, no, but you really get on with it. Anton and I have the same hairdresser. Oh, well, there you go. And she was lovely, but I could tell that she was like, you stink of wine. So I had to say, like, I've spilled a full glass of wine on this. I'm dripping wet and I stink a drink, I'm sorry.

21:08Rosie Ramsey:And I'm Chris's wife. The hardest bit about that is you've already stank of wine. Yes, of course it is. And then you sucked bottling yourself as well, which is so bad. My sister has never let us forget that. She's always like... Is it not that... Do you get on... Would you say you get on with sort of, you know, scum? Don't point it at Jordan. He pointed it at Jordan. For all the listeners. I thought you were going to say, salt of the earth. I'm sorry, I did that on purpose. Would you say you get on with, you know, scumbags better than you get on with posh people? You don't get on with anyone. No, but if you...

21:42I'm one of the nicest people I know, if I'm honest. What a lovely review of yourself. I know. If you had to rank it, if you had to go, look, who do I get on with better? Do I get on with people below my social status? Do I get on with people higher? Oh, below. Because then I feel superior. Yeah, like a little pet. I knew it. I knew it. Fantastic. Fantastic.

22:03Rosie Ramsey:You're going on Gladiators. Yeah. You're going to be a bloody... I've done it. Oh, you've done it? Yeah. But it's on Christmas Day. Christmas Day at 3.35. It's always on on Christmas Day. Actually, that's a good time because that's a... Oh, hang on. Are you posh?

22:17Vogue Williams:No, my husband is though. Okay.

22:19Rosie Ramsey:When do you eat your Christmas lunch?

22:21Vogue Williams:I think we're going to eat it about... I eat around the kids' schedule. So like one or two.

22:26Rosie Ramsey:See, we have ours at like one o 'clock. Who doesn't have the evening? Oh my God. Something to have it later on. I grew up with a girl from school and her family used to eat so late that I'd literally... I sent my mum. I was like, I can't go to her house. I've got such a bad stomach because they eat so late. I'd be like, my stomach would go... Every meal, not just Christmas. Oh, just all the time? Just all the time. But yeah, so people will be finished their lunch and they'll be digesting and the telly will be on. 3.35 is actually the perfect time. That's perfect snooze in front of the telly. It's digesting time.

22:54I don't want them snoozing, please. Oh, they'll be snoozing. Okay, you'll be snoozing because of the beautiful, warm nostalgia that's getting pumped out from Gladiators.

23:01Vogue Williams:Gladiators were on a sick show, though. I always wanted to do it. Like so, but do you remember watching when you were younger? Oh my God. We used to say my stepdad was like your man because he's from Scotland and he'd be like, Amber, you will go. Oh, because he was really strict. And we'd be like, ah.

23:16Rosie Ramsey:We used to get all the, every Saturday night we'd get all the cushions off in the good room, right? Because my mum had like the posh room that we weren't allowed in. Yeah. Mad. She would drink her coffee in there in the morning. I don't think she was very happy, but anyway. And then we'd just, it's just like a nice room. It is a lovely room. Soundproof pardon on the walls, inside the lock. And we would go in there every Saturday night and get all the cushions off the set A and jump around the cushions. It was such a nice memory. Oh, I know. It's good. It's still going. What was it like?

23:45Vogue Williams:It was the first time I was like, I'm 40. Like I was in bits. I was in bits. Really? Because you do the first day and you kind of practice everything and I was like, oh, well, not as good as I thought I'd be. And then, and that's when you're not against a gladiator. What's the practice? So you do everything. So you try everything on the Eliminator. Right. I got Joe Wicks to film me doing the Eliminator and I was like, running up the, what's it called? The Travelator. Yeah, yeah. Straight down on my face. Stop. Yeah, yeah. Not a great runner, even though I do a lot of it. I was going to say you were super fit.

24:14Vogue Williams:No, not really. And then the gladiators are coming at you, so you're like, you're kind of terrified of them. But I love having people like that on TV because when you look at like young girls and I thought that like, I'd love my daughter to watch them and be like, look how sick they are. Yeah, like strong. Yeah, they're strong women who will absolutely batter you if you piss them off. Yeah. Yeah, the female gladiators are no joke. They're all like stacked. boys girls a lot of them we did a thing for children in need with them where I had to do a dance thing with them and they were just massive massive they put so much effort into that and they're such like they're just great characters as well they're really lovely

24:49Rosie Ramsey:and what I said before not one spot on them bums spot boss oh my god why are you talking spot boss sorry she's just said that to me like I said before like it's a thing she always says what's happening I think about this all the time because

25:10Vogue Williams:girls with thong bikinis how the fuck do they get out

25:14Rosie Ramsey:because if I'm on holiday maybe I've got a bit of a spot

25:25you've both laughing so much you're not making any sound

25:28Rosie Ramsey:just one little spot just a like a rogue little spot and you did that thing with children here with the gladiators and all the girls had like tiny and I was like, not one of them. That's their costume. They don't have any spots in their hearts. Oh God, I've grown my eyes out of you.

25:44Vogue Williams:I actually have a pair of bikini bottoms that I can't wear because they gave me such a bad rash. It was so rotten. It felt like what's wrong with your arse?

26:02Vogue Williams:It was so bad. The baby stuff?

26:05Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. Oh my God, yeah. I don't wear those

26:07Vogue Williams:that bikini anymore.

26:09Rosie Ramsey:Do you remember when I had Robin and I got follicleitis? I started going to talk and I started going to talk and I started going to talk and I started going to talk and I started going to talk It looked like someone had run a cheese grate out over both our arse cheeks. It was really bad. It was red. It's like, I think people get it on their arms sometimes. After I had Robin, I had to go to the doctor. That's because I was like, what's happening to my bum? It's like really, really red exposed paws. Oh no, I love your arm. On the back of someone's arm, Yeah, they'll get like the red. It's such a hard time.

26:34Vogue Williams:Oh my God, I can't believe you get spot bought.

26:37Rosie Ramsey:Not all the time. I just couldn't do a job where it was like, you had to have your arse out.

26:44Vogue Williams:And there's always the dream with that. Like, you know, all bikinis, you don't know, I assume you're not finding them. I'm learning. I am learning. They're all going into tongs. And I'm like, please God. Why are they doing that?

26:54Rosie Ramsey:That really pisses me off. No, not everyone has an arse for a tong. No, I've bought some bikinis recently and they're just up my arse. and I'm like, I don't want to wear a thong on holiday. I blame Love Island. I blame Love Island. They're all wearing them on Love Island. They've just been down a really fast slide. So I used to, I used to when I was younger, when I worked in Greece, me and my mate had thong bikinis. Honestly, it's never been, it's never been my thing, a thong. I remember we were talking, weirdly we were talking about, before this, I was talking with the team about Cisco, the thong song.

27:24Oh yeah, yeah. Because two of the guys on the team thought that had said, that thang, the thang, thang, thang. And I was like, You know what's called thongs though? How old are they? Oh, I don't know. Children, man. But they probably heard it on classics or something. But a thong, even when I was young, had never been my thing. No, you're not a thong guy. Well, I do wear a lot of thongs

27:43Vogue Williams:because I don't like knicker lines. Can't bear a knicker line. I am just very aware of how dirty an arse crack can be. You don't like the thought of it banging up your arse. Yeah, women's arse cracks, they're not as... They're not hair. Yeah, they're a lot cleaner. Men have like hairy artist cracks so like you get more cost. It just reminds us of that. You know when you used to go to the counter in the supermarket and they would cut the cheese with that bit of string. Yeah. It just reminds us of that. I couldn't do that. Well that's good for you. At least you don't have to wear thongs. I mean I don't.

28:13Vogue Williams:You can hide your spot pot. Have you ever seen each other on holidays? Spot pot.

28:20Rosie Ramsey:When I see Vogue I'll have my full shorts on. Once you wears a boiler suit around the pool. It's a bad, fuck, it's a bad day. That's why I couldn't do the jungle. That's my bad. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. So a mate of mine used to say one, used to say, you know, the Chuckle Brothers. I know the Chuckle Brothers, all right. I'm sorry about that. Well, we used to say to people, me and me, we used to say, Jason Cook, comedian, friend of the podcast, he used to say, do you know, one of them is actually the dad. They're not brothers. It was just enough. Which one, Barry? Well, it was just enough of bullshit.

28:51Like, it was just enough where people would go, no, you go, Oh, no, definitely. They go, all right, okay. Yeah. One does look,

28:56Rosie Ramsey:the shorter of the two does look older than the... You know one's dead, right? Yeah, the shorter, yeah, the one who looks older is actually dead. He's passed. Yeah, he's passed. Barry, RIP. RIP, yeah. I think I did know that. I did the Chuckle Brothers. I was Henry VIII in the Chuckle Brothers, one of the first bits of telly I did. No. You've been in Chuckle, Chuckle, Chuckle, B? I was Henry VIII in... Chuckle Vision. Yeah, in Chuckle Vision. Wow. So Rosie can't say Chuckle Vision because when she was... Yeah. When my brother was younger, he had like a speech problem. And he used to sing chicka-bees-in.

29:26Rosie Ramsey:He used to go chicka-chicka-bees-in, chicka-bees-in. Chicka-bees-in. Chicka-bees-in. Well, my mum and dad. Oh, he said chuck-a-bees-in. It's not even close. All right, my name's a kid. It doesn't even have a guy. He had a speech impediment. What are you doing? It's all right. He's all right now. Yeah, it's fine. I mean, well, we do worry about him more than the rest. I used to say combine-ister instead of combine-harvester, but that sounds like combine-harvester. I had mates who said, Piscetti, it used to really fuck me off. Piscetti biscuits? No, Piscetti Bolognese. Oh. It's like, what the hell's wrong with you?

29:55Piscetti. Yeah. I can't pick Piscetti on toast. What's wrong with you? But yeah, but he used to say chickabeesin, didn't he? Anyway, it must be very difficult for people who've got speech impediments, and I've greatly respect for them, and ovulating women,

30:07Rosie Ramsey:and the gay community. Anyway, he did it for months, and my mum and dad were getting really upset. They were like, why does he keep saying, what's chickabeesin? And he wants to watch Chick-A-B-E's and had no idea. And I was like, it's Choc-A-B-E's. Choc-A-B-E's. Greg Davies is in it. It's Choc-A-B-E's. Do you want Henry the Eid to think? Right, Henry the Eid. I've got two things to say about it. One, in the audition for it, the director said, told me to calm it down a bit. Like I was overacting. Can you imagine? I said Henry the Eid. Yeah. In Choc-A-B-E's. What do you mean? Dial it back, dickhead.

30:41He did. He said, can you dial it down a bit? Wow. what could you possibly have been doing? I can't imagine. I can only imagine I just pulled my trousers and pants down and started screaming. I can't think how you can go too big for chocolate vision other than expose yourself and just start hallowing like a wolf.

31:03Rosie Ramsey:But Henry the Earth is quite like a big character. Exactly. I feel like you would have had... That's my point. Yeah. I'm sorry about that. I got the part, weirdly. Yes. Okay. And this is the bit I remember most fondly about it, is I walked onto set and I met... Who's not Barry? Paul. Paul. I met Paul and he was nice and very welcoming. Keeps a crash mat whenever he films anything because he's got a bad back, he likes to lie on a crash mat. Anyway, then Barry came in late. We were in a medieval banquet hall and I was dressed as Henry VIII and Barry came in, RIP, and he was in a full medieval ball gown and a conical hat.

31:47And, of course, they used to film two whole episodes in one day. So the crew were like, let's go, let's go, let's get it done. And they've seen them in every outfit conceivable. But I haven't. And I just lost it in the middle of a medieval banquet hall. I lost it for ten full minutes. Wow. Where I couldn't stop laughing and I was the only person in the room laughing. who were like cameramen leaning on the cameras. Oh, no. Oh, God. And Barry was sort of like that. And I was just laughing. Like I thought I'd gone mad. I thought I'd lost my mind. Just, and really echoing, just me. Everyone again going, I'm so sorry, Barry.

32:31I just wasn't expecting you to be in the... It was absolutely horrible, that. Oh, it was sort of horrible and wonderful.

32:39Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. Barry was lovely as well. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. Oh, that's fantastic. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Explain to Chris what a twink is. What's the time? I don't understand. I don't know what a twink is. No. What do you think a twink is? So I watched Die Hard the other day, so I can only think of twinkies. No, I don't think there are any twinks in Die Hard. No. Not the official version. A twink. A twink is a young, generally, or young or young looking, pretty gay male. Where does twink come from? I don't actually know I think it's It's like It's American Is it not from drag Like Drag Race Could be I think it's an American Sort of like Yeah Yeah But like Kiki Like Kiki's become A really Really popular scene And that came from Drag Race Yeah And then a twunk Is sort of You probably have been a twink You got a bit older You maybe beefed up A little bit Twunk Twunk Yes This is a cold news gum No No no Twunk's good No these are all good Sound good No no no You've had a glow up, lad.

33:42Can we discuss Chris Ramsey's glow up? Jenny Eclare would change her review of you now. You haven't moved to London, have you? No. Yeah, because that's usually what happens when you move to London. Right.

33:52Rosie Ramsey:What happened in real life? Midlife crisis. No. I've just started dressing you. Oh, yeah. And I made him cut his hair. Yeah, okay. And you upped your skincare as well. Is it you put spoof on your face in the morning? SPF spoof all right no but we don't get much sunlight in the north east yeah but you've come down here now yes no but I do I moisturise now did you really just call it spoof again that was on one of our tours he sprayed the front row in spoof I spoofed all over the front row they don't try it themselves Rosalie I just I've never heard it called spoof this is brilliant always put spoof on your face I do I put spoof on every day starts the day well yeah I love a bit of spoof in the morning William's got lovely skin.

34:40Thank you very much. Beautiful skin. Yeah, you have. Spuff.

34:43Rosie Ramsey:Spuff. You are meant to wear a factor 50 like every day. Yeah. Well, if you live in fucking Jamaica, what the hell? No, even over here. Even over here. What, in the cell shields? You're crazy. Yeah, I swear to God. Streetlights are on the street. Let's put it this way. Rosie and I will have the last laugh when we're 80. Won't we? And we still look 70. Who gives her a point? Yeah, it doesn't do much. But it gets to that point. Come on. She says with... You don't look a day over 70. Thanks, Maureen. I've got sunspots on my face I've worked in Rhodes for two years didn't wear any spoof I would hate to have one of them lights on my face where they'd look like your sun damage Oh you must It'll be horrendous And they tell you how polluted your face is Oh it's amazing Can I just say He's into all this Have you been for one of them full body MOTs of the MRI and that you can get no not yet not yet it's a fancy one yeah I do like have you had Botox recently he gets it a lot which is fine but he's he's you've got the same hairdresser as Princess Margaret and Anton Debeck no not Princess Margaret she's been dead since 2001 oh Princess Anne Princess Anne Anton Debeck he gets his haircut at Harrods it's Princess Anne Anton Debeck and me it's the same haircut everyone has the same haircut I told you get home and to Anton's wife she's lovely by the way just want to put that out there No, he gets his haircut in Harrods.

36:07All of you are born in Harrods as a box of fucking shortbread. He gets his haircut. You've been to Harrods more than once. Yeah. You go to Harrods regularly. I was there yesterday. Harrods? Yeah. This is mental. He's so spenny. He's like, fair play to him. Rich, wealthy people know how to spend money. He spends it. Are we allowed to ask? How much is a haircut? He's got real goyards. What the fuck's a goyard? I didn't know what it was. The bags that I've got today. It's a handmade bag. Everyone's got the face. It's not. I thought a goyard was the thing on the... It's a gargoyle. He's very spenny.

36:39How much does the haircut from Harrods? Don't ask. Is that rude to ask? No, I just, it's, you know, it's decent. You can bleep this out. OK.

36:52It has, I'll be honest, when I started going there, not long ago, well, five years ago, it was 65. That's inflation for you. Wow.

37:00Rosie Ramsey:I'll get my full hair dyed and cut and blow dried for that. Yeah. Wow. And this is a trim. That's nuts. Yeah, and really for me it should be half price. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. So you've made friends. Who else have you really... Who else have you made friends with?

37:16Vogue Williams:Tom, I've actually already seen Tom. All right. All right, okay. Was I on the flight home? No, bumped into him at the bus stop. He was getting the bus stop. He was getting the bus stop. Do you get the bus? I get the tube. Oh. And I cycle everywhere. Oh, nice. Do you wear a helmet?

37:27Rosie Ramsey:Do you wear a helmet? I do wear a helmet. Good. Sometimes I wear it. I know. We were coming here in the taxi this morning and I can't believe the amount of people with no helmets on. Madness. They're going to come off and they're going to be brain damaged and they need to put a helmet on. Your helmet. Your helmet.

37:47Vogue Williams:Helmets are a bit rotten but you have to wear a helmet. I do wear a helmet.

37:50Rosie Ramsey:They're awful and your hair's going to be shit for the rest of the day but you are going to save yourself from a really serious head injury. We collectively or death. Us two in the taxi driver this morning collectively came up the idea of a foldable helmet.

38:01Vogue Williams:Yeah, like the Brompton bike. Googled it, already exists. Foldable helmet. So I was billionaire, then it went. That's a great idea. I wonder if that person made, how ugly are they though? So they're more of a, it's basically a headband with a pop-out top is the best way I can describe it. It's like quite thick around this bit. Like those buckets, you know, the buckets, the new buckets that you get to fold.

38:24Rosie Ramsey:They don't work as well. No, you're still going to have a bad head. Yeah, and you're going to get, actually to be fair, the legal troubles I would get into when someone died using one of my foldable helmets that I just invented I'm actually glad do you know what it is I've tasted that success and I don't want it

38:37Vogue Williams:you don't need it you're busy you don't need it that was a rollercoaster in my mind there I was in court it's kind of a good idea

38:45Rosie Ramsey:are you like this like so you I feel like you are probably a really good entrepreneur and like you and Spen put Spen set together I can imagine you're doing like lots of business ventures and stuff like that me and Chris come up with loads of ideas right all the time and we never ever see them through. Never see them through. Ever. I swear to God. We're always like, oh my God, we should do this. We should do that. Never one. Never ever.

39:06Vogue Williams:No, no, no.

39:07Rosie Ramsey:How would you do it? Like, what are we? We're just stupid.

39:10Vogue Williams:Well, I have loads of ideas that I don't bother either. I was like, I'm going to start my own coffee brand because I love coffee so much and then I'm like, there's loads of coffee brands, isn't there? Yeah. It is that in it though. I'll just bring a whole suitcase full of it from Australia. It's basically. That's fine. But it's basically like, right I'm going out for a run that's raining like that that's how quickly you can just fuck your idea off my most recent one

39:30Rosie Ramsey:my most recent one was like I would love to open a coffee shop where we live like a really lovely coffee shop oh I know but then I was like I'm going to have to get up really early and then I'll have to be there I'll have to be there all day and I would just put my foot off and I was like and then yeah then I'll have to everyone who comes in I'll have to speak oh god oh no it's a nice idea

39:50Vogue Williams:for retirement more yeah

39:52Rosie Ramsey:yeah that would be nice that's not retirement though is it Well, I don't ever want to retire, you see,

39:56Vogue Williams:because I feel like as soon as I retire, I'll die. Right. You're a shark. You're a shark. What do you mean I'm a shark?

40:02Rosie Ramsey:So if you stop swimming, you'll die. Yeah, exactly. Do I swim the whole time, sharks? I think they never, ever stop. I think that's where the sayings come from. Am I? Hang on. I'm so glad I've learned something today. Did they stop swimming today? So what's just happened is, and this happens quite often, I will tell Rosie a fact or a phrase. Is that true? Rosie will take the fact of the phrase. It's not his, but Rosie will take it and she'll tell it to someone else with the confidence of the person who knew it in the first place. And then a beautiful moment happens where, thankfully, you've just said to Rosie, is that true?

40:32And Rosie's in her head. There's a fucking alarm going off. There's panic. There's fucking, there's chimps running around. There's madness. Ron, get out, fire. Who cares if it's true or not? Just say allegedly at the end.

40:48Rosie Ramsey:Allegedly. Allegedly. I need to have more conviction in what I say yeah no if sharks stop swimming they die well I said

40:57Vogue Williams:Bob Dylan was dead the other day do you know I was like Bob Dylan was playing I was like no he wasn't I was like no he like didn't just die by the way he's dead years and the producer was like he's alive I was like oh really I had him killed off I was so convinced of it I was like laughing at her and stuff I was like that's ridiculous do you know wow he is alive wow

41:19Rosie Ramsey:I don't know I don't know he was dead over alive we do that all the time Babadoo Babadoo Babadoo Hey Chicago Class it up with Crocs You know back to school is coming in fast So why wait to find your new fave footwear Step into a local Crocs store and step into your new look Try it Style it Make it yours Because the right pair doesn't just show up It shows off First day fits handled. Walk out ready for whatever's next. Visit your nearest Croc store today. Hey friends, Olivia from Oli. Between new routines and the ultimate group project known as parenting, you need science-backed solutions that work with your life.

42:03That's where Oli comes in. Start your mornings off right with Maltese made to support nutrition and immune health. Choose from our lineup of gut-supporting probiotics, and we've got occasional sleep support to help the whole fan chase their big dreams. Head back to class with the number one gummy supplement brand. Stock up on Ollie.com today. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. This episode is brought to you by Welch's Fruit Snacks. Back to school season can be tough on parents.

42:32But choosing a snack you and your kids can both get behind doesn't have to be. Stock up on Welch's Fruit Snacks, made with whole fruit, and now made with no artificial dyes. It's a snack kids already love, and one you can feel good about giving them. Go back to school with Welch's Fruit Snacks Now made with no artificial dyes

42:54Rosie Ramsey:Babadoo babadoo babadoo Dear Chris and Rosie Please keep me anonymous We don't know what this is by the way Quite earlier on in my relationship I was invited to a big family meal To celebrate my boyfriend's Grandparent's wedding anniversary Does it say how long or not? It doesn't say how long As a newbie to the family I was seated at the bottom Of a long table with a very elderly lady to my left a super gentle aunt opposite and my father-in-law steve in the corner it was a very pleasant meal and steve ate heartily throughout so enthusiastically accepting further helpings of everything when the dessert menu came round and everyone discussed what they're going to have steve leant back in his chair patted his full belly and said very loudly he couldn't possibly have any more dessert because he had shot his load

43:49it's fair to say the surrounding more innocent diners and Steve himself had no idea what he'd actually said and I had to spend the remainder of the meal styling out my tears of laughter I love that I love that so now and then we get one I'm sorry guys I've shot my load I can't possibly eat anymore

44:09Rosie Ramsey:oh that is nice Come on, he knew what he was saying. Do you think? Yeah. Now and then we get one. That's not filth. It's not disgusting. It's not bad. That is just, that's just funny and cute. I like that. Do you think that's a genuine, he said it, not knowing what he said? Or he knew what he was saying. I live with someone who says the wrong thing in every situation and never remembers any kind of phrase for anything. So I guarantee that was accidental, but I would have died if I was at a table. But then again, I wouldn't have kept it quiet. Oh, you've shot your lord. What do you mean? Change your pants.

44:41Rosie Ramsey:You have a problem with correcting people, though. Yeah. By the way, we need to talk about the taxi here. Taxi here? Yeah. Yeah, why? When the taxi driver was telling me about Charles Dickens used to go walking at night around where we are because he was an insomniac, but the taxi driver called it... Hypochondriac. Hypochondriac, right? And I knew he meant insomniac, so I was just going, oh, right, yeah, so yeah. Chris was like... He was like, really? He was like a chondriac, so he didn't sleep, He used to walk around the streets at night. I'm sitting in the back one. No, that's wrong. But why couldn't you just let him...

45:15I'm not letting him have it. I'm not letting him have it. Taxi drivers throw their opinions at me all day, every day. I'm not letting... You're not having hypochondria. I'm not... You're not having it.

45:23Rosie Ramsey:So Chris Bowden only went, you mean insomnia? Yeah. I was like, Chris, shut up, man. No. I'm saving him so next time he probably says that every day. I'm not letting him say that to someone else. Yeah, you use it. I do that all the time. I sometimes use words in the wrong context. Oh, I do. And my team always says to me, why did you say that on the radio? I'm like, oh, that's so cool. You get it wrong. Me and Righty do it a lot. I don't know how we've got a radio show together. We get so many things wrong. But it's funny. It's funny. It's fun. That's why you're likeable. Don't worry about it. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

45:53Vogue Williams:Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. Rosie, because I don't want to get reported to anyone. Brilliant. Oh, my gosh. We have a family Christmas tradition of going to Panto on Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve?

46:10Rosie Ramsey:Panto's big where we live. A lot of people call Christmas Eve. It gets sold out really quickly.

46:14Vogue Williams:Oh, I'm going to Panto, just not Christmas Eve.

46:15Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, like a tradition, yeah.

46:19Vogue Williams:This includes me and my two sisters, their partners and kids. So, in total, six adults, seven kids. Mayhem, and I'm not sure we'll do it again. Last year, it was Cinderella. And in the middle of the second half, my eight-year-old Elsie, not her real name who was a few seats down the row from me decided she wanted to go to the toilet. I managed to squeeze past people in the row and get her to the loo on time. All fine, no drama and we rushed back to our seats for the last 15 minutes. The panto ended. We all got up to give a standing ovation. I looked down the road to my right and couldn't see Elsie.

46:51Rosie Ramsey:Where's Elsie?

46:52Vogue Williams:Where is Elsie? I mouthed to my husband where's Elsie? He of course responded that he thought she was with me and had clearly lost track of her movements since the toilet break. As you can imagine I was completely panic stricken We were all freaking out All of us went into action looking under seats and shouting for Elsie We rushed to the lobby to speak to the staff and there was Elsie sat on a stool eating an ice cream and having the time of her life What there played to Elsie?

47:19Rosie Ramsey:How old is Elsie? What is she saying? Why am I minus 82? Oh she's eight

47:26Vogue Williams:Clever eight year old It turned out that after our toilet break rather than following me back to our seats Elsie had wandered off to the foyer and befriended the theatre staff God free ice cream Stranger digit Oh yeah I would have gotten in the white van I would have I know when I was younger Fucking hell Sweets in here Okay Sweets and puppies in the same place Are the puppies not eating the sweets I'll have to check this out for myself Is there not puppy hair on the sweets Let me investigate when they asked where her parents were she had apparently said well my mum took me to the toilet and then just left me I was so scared of the dark I thought it was safer to come out here this was of course not true what I assume happened was that she knew she would get some free sweets and ice cream if she played the abandoned child card at Christmas fair play to her

48:24Rosie Ramsey:little bastard very clever girl sneak my god

48:28Vogue Williams:I never thought about doing something like that when I was younger? No, me neither.

48:32Rosie Ramsey:I don't think I was clever enough. I did once. My brother went missing in B &Q, right? I love B &Q. It's a great shop. Yeah. It's a great shop. And my mum and dad were looking for him, my sister, and I ended up, and I don't know how to this day, have I told you this? I think I have. I ended up in the postman pack ride and I don't know to this day, right? I don't know if it was broke or somebody kept putting money in for us because it just kept going and going and going and going. It just stayed on. It just stayed on. and I'm like was it broke or did someone put money in? Did some creeper go on boy put money in this thing and I'm just on my own on the postman can you imagine though I'm sure I've told you Kevin we were being you right so you know they had to do the full tannoy and everything he was fully missing imagine they're going out at the bottom there's you know he's in the lumbar section a big railway sleeper has fallen and crushed him your mum's crying your dad's crying kids crying it's just where's where's was he postman pack postman pack oh no that song will be in our head all day Every time you hear it, your mum freaks out.

49:31Rosie Ramsey:God! It's so true. And now all I can think is, I think there was some pervert there just putting pounds in. Right, great. All I can think is, if that was your sister, Kate, who you claim isn't your favourite, you'd have been in the fucking search party as well and not up on a post-mortem park ride on your own having the time of your life. How dare you say you don't have a favourite? How dare you? Nah, we're missing all the time. Bab-a-do, bab-a-do, bab-a-do, bah. Oh, shit. I can't read this one. Do you want me to read this out? We don't know what this is. Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous.

50:02That's what the section's called. That's what the whole podcast's called.

50:05Rosie Ramsey:Welcome to the show. Oh, is it? Thank you for reading the emails. Jesus. This isn't Shag Married, is it? Honestly, it is. It's an off section. Shag Married, please keep me anonymous. Oh. Are you taking the piss? A whole separate thing? No, no, it's the same thing. No, it's it. Under the same umbrella. Yeah. It's the same thing. Oh. Bake Off Extra Slice. Oh, that sort of thing. There it is. But hosted by you. Yeah. With those shows. We're not getting anywhere. Those shows normally you get other people in. We're too greedy. I'm not sure you can do your own. Absolutely can't. You can do your own adjacent podcast.

50:36Can and have. Okay. All right then. Well, hopefully Chris and Rosalie invite me on the main one sometime. This is the main one for guests. I don't know how it works here. Megalomaniacs, these people. He was on Lorraine before this. Geordie Megalomaniac. Are you Geordie? Yeah, I suppose. Sand dancers. Sand dancers.

50:57Rosie Ramsey:Well, South Shield, so not Newcastle, not Sunderland Southfield. Is that posh Newcastle? No. No. No. No, no, no. No, sadly not. We live in a nice street. Okay. Rosie, Rosie. Do you know sometimes you forget that this is like work and you're just like, Greg, we live in a nice street. No, we do. It's not a part. We love where we live. We live in a hometown. But we have upgraded from where we grew up to the nicer part. The nice bit of the hometown. So when I went to school, I went to school with people who live where we live now. And I thought, nice. When I got invited. People are looking at you going, maybe.

51:33Let's see. Here we go then. Rosie recently talked on the podcast about crawling out of class and not getting caught.

51:40Rosie Ramsey:Oh, yeah. I did that at college. Now, you were a teacher, Greg. What, for many lonely sad years. Did you have anything like this? Did kids try and leave the class, hide, crawl across the floor? Oh, my God, yes. Yeah? What did you teach again? I mean, loosely drama and English. Right, okay. Nice. Can I tell you something from when I was at school? Please. We had a geography teacher called Batty Price, and I'm sure she's no longer with us. I don't know why she was called Batty. Batty. First name Batty. Or Mrs Batty. First name Batty, second name Price. I think Batty was a nickname. Okay. I don't think her name was Batty.

52:19But everyone called her Batty. I don't know why.

52:21Rosie Ramsey:Right, okay. And looking back, I mean, I guess she can't have been 90 years of age, but to me at the time she seemed 90 years of age. And she used to wear, I guess she had arthritis. She used to wear arthritic sort of armbands so that her hands were always like this. No. I swear to God. So she would hold chalk and be able to write, but most of the time she was like this. No.

52:50and I remember her facial expression was always squinting like this and she seemed 90. Anyway, there was a trend in Batsy's lessons and it happened, I cannot tell you this, most lessons. Someone would put their hand up and she would go, yes? And whoever it was would go, do you mind if I go to the toilet, Mrs Price? And she would go, okay, be quick. And then that person would stand up and then we would all leave. No way. The whole class. And I swear to God she never noticed. I swear to God. We'd come back and she would be saying, and periglaciation is... Wow. We'd all just go and stand out there for about five minutes and then come back in.

53:33Wow. Even like the square kids. Well, I was one of them. Even the frightened kids like me. We would all go, well, I guess we're all going out.

53:41Vogue Williams:I love shit like that. I love shit like that. Oh, bless her. This is the anonymous letter. Yeah. Well, I had a girl in my year who used to crush pencil lead down to a powder and then snort it up her nose. What the fuck? It would give her nosebleeds, which meant she could get out of lessons. The girl in question would always ask the teacher if she could bring a friend to help with the nosebleed. It was a bit of an inner circle, and you'd only be able to get out of lessons if you were mates with her. I was only invited once to be her nosebleed companion.

54:13Rosie Ramsey:I mean this is insane that's fucking horrible she'll be in a true crime documentary she'll be dead she's going to be dead lead poisoning she's snorting lead to make her nose bleed she'll be dead this is about a dead woman is that the tone you want on this podcast it'd be even I tell you what Rosie and Chris from Shag Married Annoyed are not going to like this

54:41they're not going to like this tone reason about someone who's essentially topped themselves with a pencil

54:47Rosie Ramsey:I think she made it to the end of the school year she's going to roll that in her face will have fallen off that's so bad how much do you hate school I mean come on I think it's genius it's insanity I was in a class with a lad once I won't name him, when I was at school. And he was eccentric. And a mate of mine. Really, very much living life according to his rules. And I was trying to do some work. And he went, oi. And I went, hey, mate, leave it out. I was really trying to concentrate. It was a science lesson. I was shit at it. And he goes, give me a number between 1 and 50. I went, fuck off.

55:32And I carried it on. He goes, just give me a number. He goes, what's it to you? Give me a number between 1 and 50. I went, 26. He went, all right, thank you. Ten minutes later, an ambulance was called because he had 26 yeast tablets. Shut up. They were fucking big as well, like a horse pill. He found a big jar in his eyes that just had yeast tablets on it. Stop. Yeah, he asked me to stop. He had to go to hospital.

56:02Rosie Ramsey:Why would you do that? He was bored, I guess he was bored. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Awesome, matey. Did he survive? Oh, he lived, yeah. Oh, okay. Wow. Have you ever seen, this is it, do you ever see the naughty kids? This person did. I hope they have. I went to a random awards ceremony a few years ago in South Shield, and the naughty kid from school was there, but grown. A bully? He wasn't, actually, I'll give him his due. He was just a wally-wally. He was just naughty. And it was so funny, because he ended up getting expelled in year 10. But he came up to us and his daughter was getting an award and he was like, Drememee.

56:45Rosie Ramsey:Still talk like that. Drememee. And I was like, oh my gosh. And he said his name and I was like, fucking hell. You were a twat at school. But he's lovely now. He's done really well for himself. Has he? Yeah, thank you. His daughter's winning awards. His daughter won the Pride of the South Townside Award. Lovely guy. But the last time I saw him as a child, he was sniffing gas that he put on his tie like the Bunsen burn heads. Just boffing gas all afternoon. Sorry, so he's spraying the gas onto the tie. He just used to sniff it. Like a rag with chloroform. I met a lad when I was home at my mum's really recently and I met a lad who I was at school with.

57:26I see him. He's lived in my hometown since we were at school and he's a mate, you know. And we were just, I'd been to the supermarket and we were just sitting outside the supermarket chatting about school days. And it's so funny how it starts to come back and how you've normalised things that happened. And I remembered that I watched him chase our drama teacher across the drama studio with, you know, those big cans of hairspray. Well, you don't know, you're not old enough. But in the 80s, the girls all seemed to have a bag with a can of hairspray like this in it.

57:58Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, yeah. And I know he... I shouldn't name their names, should I? He got one of those giant cans of hairspray off a girl and he got a lighter and he lit it like a flamethrower and he was chasing our drama teacher. What the shit? Around the studio. And I remember him going, oh, stop that. Stop that. Don't be so silly. And it's literally a four-foot flame going, hooray! That's fantastic. And a flamethrower. Same kid, same drama teacher. The drama teacher came in because the head, Our head thought drama was pathetic, not a proper subject. It was the first time drama had ever been done the year I did drama there.

58:38Really? Because the head thought it was just poncy nonsense. So they get no budget. And the drama teacher kept begging him for money. And in the end, he gave him money for one set of playbooks. And he came in all proud going, the head has finally given us money. And I've got these lovely, beautiful playbooks. and we'll be going through these during the turf. I remember how excited he was. And later that lesson, the same boy, the flamethrower boy, went, psst. He went, hey, hey. He called me into the store cupboard.

59:13Vogue Williams:Don't. He cut them all in half with a big pair of scissors. He destroyed them all. Every single one. You're a fucking psychopath. Oh, no. But he's done well for himself. He has, you know. Wow. Yeah, he's totally normal.

59:32Rosie Ramsey:Oh, no. God. Oh, why do I feel so sorry for you? And I have to say, it was one of the most awful and one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life. I was absolutely down the line of, this is appalling and this is a work of comedy genius. Yeah, it's brilliant. In half, up the spine. No, no, across the middle of the street. You couldn't even bother me. It took him ages. It was 35 books. Oh, my God. And they were thick. He would have had to have really, like... That's absolutely fucking psychotic. That's the harshest thing I've ever heard. And the drama teacher, when he found them, just started crying.

1:00:10Started weeping.

1:00:12Rosie Ramsey:That's so sad. Yeah, everyone's fine. That is so... Still alive. It's so alive. Oh, God, that's what the fucking thing is. Just a gentle weep as well. Not a sob. Just like... Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. Now, usually William reads the letters because I'm... And you'll see why in a minute. I'm very dyslexic. I can't read. This story from many years ago involves a nick that doesn't show me in a great light and I'm also hoping for some advice. You've come to the right place. I'd been seeing Tom, not his real name, for around six months. He was gorgeous, funny, charming and not afraid to show his vulnerable side.

1:00:52My overbearing family were big fans of Tom. One weekend, I went back to my parents and Tom came along. It was great and ended with a big Sunday roast. Around the table were mum, dad, two brothers and my younger sister. We were enjoying a delicious roast lamb when Tom suddenly started banging his head on the table and his face was getting redder and redder. It became clear that Tom had a piece of something, turned out to be a gristly piece of meat, stuck in his throat and was, yes, choking.

1:01:19Rosie Ramsey:Oh, he's choking. Oh my gosh, okay. Yeah. Right, that was really good. Well done, Jordan. That was lovely. You didn't make one mistake. I don't want to be too partnerising, but... Listen. Thank you. Because usually if I read some, it's got to be in Comic Sans. Yeah, good reading. And highlighted. What a fucking diva. Comic Sans or I'm not even looking at it. No, there was a point where he tried to get our producers to print everything off on yellow paper. Yeah, that lasted a week, didn't it? Anyway, the dilemma continues. I completely froze. My younger siblings jumped into action and started the Heimlich manoeuvre.

1:01:49The piece of meat became dislodged and flew across the room. Everyone was relieved and gathered around Tom, who, after seeing his life flash before his eyes, burst into tears. Well, I'm not sure if it was the tears, the red face or the bulging eyes, but I had very quickly gone off Tom.

1:02:08Rosie Ramsey:Well, I'm glad you're all dead. Oh, this is fantastic. You absolute did. Yes, OK, good. I'm glad you're saying, OK. Predictably. No, I get it, I get it. We broke up shortly after the choking incident. I'm sure if he had been the man for me, I would have seen past this, but I still shudder when I think about it. So the advice I'm after is, what should you do when you get that really piece of chewy meat during a meal in a restaurant or at someone else's house? Should you just swallow it down or discreetly spit it out and leave it on the side of the plate? Help appreciated. Oh, this is a good one for you.

1:02:41Rosie Ramsey:This is perfect for you. First of all, as far as icks go, we've had some great icks then. One of my favourites is someone dropping a receipt and trying to pick it up, but it keeps blowing away from them. My favourite icks. Someone saw a fella do that and she was like, my vagina just dried up. No, what about the man who ran for the bus with a backpack on? Man who ran for a bus with a backpack on, yeah. Yeah, bounced up and down. He's gone. But the fact that the ick is he nearly died by choking and was upset about it is the ick. Some people are fucking impossible to please. I think that's brilliant.

1:03:12Impossible to please. They got the ick from someone choking on them. God, oh, he nearly died. How awful. How unsexy. Yeah. That's horrible.

1:03:18Rosie Ramsey:Guys, I'm sorry. I'm getting it. What would she have preferred? If he just died like a fucking man. If he died like a man. She said in your bit now, you read, oh, he showed his vulnerable side. He wasn't afraid to show his vulnerable side. Oh, but nearly dying was too far. Did I ever tell you this? My mum choked on a piece of meat. She was having a meal on her own. No one ever in the house. Don't, that's one of my worst fears in the world. She had to go round to next door. Next door, called the ambulance, right? This is so bad. She was in hospital. None of us knew. My brother come home. Half her tea were left on the side.

1:03:46My brother ate it. Finished the tea with bits of choking. He choked. He runs next door. And my mum would come back, she went, traumatised. We were like, where have you been? No one even noticed. And he finished the tea. It was left on the side. He went, oh, I thought you'd left it out for me. And I told you this story actually recently when we went for lunch. Well, about seven years ago, I was sitting somewhere in Chelsea and Patricia Outledge, Hyacinth Bouquet, was on a table, a few tables away, on her own having lunch. And she started choking on a crisp, generally, because there were sandwiches and crisps.

1:04:17And I thought, oh, my God, this is my moment. I'm going to have to do the Heimlich on Hyacinth Bouquet. I'm going to sort of have some sort of gay honour because I've saved her. And then she just, she recovered. So I didn't actually even get up. She didn't get a single man. What's your advice for that thing? Sorry, I'm being a presenter now. No, no, no. Rosie tells me I should be a vegetarian because I'm so squeamish with meat. If I get any bit of gristle or something, meal room. When you're chopping chicken, if you do chop your chicken, I cut off the tendon and any of the sort of bloody bits.

1:04:49There's almost fuck all left. I'll chew, won't I? There's almost nothing left. I'm serious. I can strip a whole chicken down to nothing. I'm terribly wasteful with it. That's why Rosie is a chicken. But it's so annoying, isn't it?

1:04:59Rosie Ramsey:Because any bit of gristle, you guarantee it'll end up on my plate and it'll be the first bite and I'm done. And put you up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm with you. So what do I do to not look like a pig? More vegetarian. No, but what do I do? No, what they've said there, what do I do? If I get it, if I get it from my mouth, then I've got to chew on it. Are you asking me if you should spit or swallow? Yeah. Yes. Yes. Generally, things like grizzle, fish bones, bones, meat bones, you can't swallow them. So you are going to have to remove it from your mouth. So I would spit it into your dominant hand, use your non-dominant hand to shield, and then place it on the side of the plate.

1:05:32Fantastic. Not a tissue? No. Not a napkin? Not a linen napkin, no.

1:05:37Rosie Ramsey:Oh, God. So just into your hand? Just into your hand and onto the plate. What about, because I used to be a pot wash. Or you can put it onto your fork, depending on what it is. It can be spat onto your fork, but then we still see it come out. so I would use your hands to shield it. I used to be a pot wash and eat all leftovers, you know, that come back in. Did you? Yeah, I do that all the time. So if someone spat something back out... Yeah, but what would you prefer to do? Swallow it and choke? Yeah, but you do that. I'm sorry, don't spit that out. The pot wash goes, mind sweeps everyone's plates, you might get a cold.

1:06:05Rosie Ramsey:You used to do it when you were in the stadium. When I were in the stadium, I used to do it. I used to silver serve people at Christmas time. I used to silver serve people. Oh, silver, look how excited was I when I was there? Yeah, he does it sometimes. I still do it. Tongue action. Crumb down. Crumb down and silver serve. A lot. I've got a semi. Don't stop.

1:06:28Rosie Ramsey:What's got into you? He never says it. Right, okay, glow up and you can silver serve. Literally. Yeah, boy. We're going to... Give William a semi. This is it. We have... We've got to go. Sadly, we've got to go. I'm so sorry. This has been amazing. I can't stand up. So can we not stretch this on for a bit longer? You know, what's the etiquette for Haydn and Semien public? Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Class is now in session. And the UPS store is here to help you ace arriving on campus. Our certified packing experts can pack everything you need, from desktops to decor.

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1:08:10Well, I'm letting go of the worry that I wouldn't get my new contacts in time for this class. I got them delivered free from 1-800-CONTACTS. Oh my gosh, they're so fast. And breathe. Oh, sorry. I almost couldn't breathe when I saw the discount they gave me on my first order. Oh, sorry. Namaste. Visit 1-800-CONTACTS.com today to save on your first order. 1-800-CONTACTS.