Please Keep Me Anonymous with Babatunde Aléshé

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0:45Apply today and earn a welcome offer of$1 ,500 cash back after you spend$50 ,000 in qualifying purchases on your new card within the first six months of card membership. Terms apply. Learn more at go.mx.graphite. Hello, you are listening and watching, please keep me anonymous, part of the Shagmary Denoid universe. Oh my God, you've got me doing it now. Horrendous. The Shagmary Denoid extended universe. And this week we are joined by Babatunde Aleshe, who was, what a funny, lovely man. I've never met him. Really nice guy. We all found out that we were all August babies and I think you'll find our reaction was absolutely called for.

1:20We're all ridiculous. Pathetic. What else? yeah it was great he's on promoting his podcast that he does with Mo Gilligan and Eddie Caddy which is man like you do you know we're now going to have to get Eddie on though because we've had more and we've had Babatunde but then behind closed doors we're going to have to pick our favourite I don't think they're going to like that but this is the world isn't it look forward to that listen well you know but now Eddie knows that that's going to be the competition so he's going to bring his A game which is slightly we're going to have to take that into account we'll talk about this after we'll talk about it after if you want to catch him you can also see Babatunde on Stupid Central on Comedy Central and he was actually he was recently on Bagoff and that'll be available on Catch Up yeah you watched it in the bath I watched it in the bath and then I met him what about his tour his tour that is only in the Netherlands apparently so if you listen in the Netherlands he's already done all his English dates high expectations babatundaylsa.com he might add some new dates in the future on the next tour maybe just join his mail in a sense anyway he's a funny fella yeah enjoy enjoy we had a fight about the jingle jingle We couldn't settle on a jingle So this is the jingle We hope you like the jingle

2:37How's your morning been? It's been good. I've not had anything to eat, so you might hear my belly rumble, you know. Do you want a croissant or something? Well, that'd be a fucking good podcast. He's just scrambling on a fucking croissant the whole time. You totally could have had something to eat. We've got little pots of fruit and everything. No, honest to God, I'm good. Are you sure? And passion is, that's buttery, so I'm lactose. Oh, really? This would be a different type of podcast. Oh, my God. I'll be like, excuse me for just a second. Please don't shit yourself on the podcast. I was going to offer you a yogurt.

3:07Yogurt's the same as well. Oh, my God. We've only exclusively got things that'll make you shit your pants. I've been in the jungle all over again. That's hilarious. But there's no judgment here. If your stomach rumbles, it's absolutely fine. No, no. Don't worry about it. I don't care. This is the third person in here right now. Can we get an extra mic on your stomach?

3:33So how's your morning been? What's this morning look like for you? Oh, my gosh. I woke up just... Well, my alarm woke me up. Hang on. You've got two kids. You've got kids, what the fuck? And your alarm's waking you up. No, my children... So they went to bed late last night. Right. We allowed them to stay up, watch a movie, because we were stuck. We wanted to go out so badly and just go for a walk. Nice. And we never ended up doing that. Right. So we were just like, look, let's just, you know, let them have a movie night. You know, let them watch a film. They've gone to bed late. And so this morning, they are just, they were out.

4:06Oh, nice. My son was out. And I was like, yes. Because he always comes into my room and starts whispering in my ear. Because I hide the remote from him. because so my son's got this annoying habit where he wants to be the first person with the remote to watch TV because he hogs the TV yeah no our son does the same our son takes it to the toilet with him yeah yeah yeah our youngest takes it to the toilet he takes it to the toilet with him because the brothers fight between them I swear to God he takes it to the toilet yeah you got the two boys we got two boys walk around the house with it literally walk around the house with the remote and you go what are you doing because he knows the older one will change the channel it's annoying though it's ridiculous And my son will normally wake up early, like crack a dawn and just go downstairs and do that.

4:50So I've been hiding in the remote now for like, I want to say like a month now. So he's gotten used to that. So he doesn't wake up early. So normally when I hide the remote, he will come into my room and he'll be like, Dad, I've read my books. I've done a puzzle. I've done like my Legos. And he's just talking, talking. I remember once I was sleeping and I could just hear this voice. and I was like I was like what the hell like let me sleep bro like please but there's no there's no build up if you've not noticed that with kids there's no build up they open their eyes and back downstairs it's got a boom boom there's no like oh here's a second roll about it's open their eyes we're going downstairs this second 10 seconds ago we're going downstairs 10 seconds ago or you're the worst and there's not they don't watch stuff like like you know something calming to kind of like ease them into the day.

5:45My son is obsessed with Dragon Ball Z and it's straight onto like high intense fighting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm just like, dude, give yourself like a moment to reflect.

6:00Meditate, do something, bro. Do you know what I tried? I tried. I don't even know if you know about this. I don't think you are. Yeah, you are away. Right. And sometimes when Chris is away, I try all these things because I just, because it's just on me. and I'm like trying to be a better parent. So I get a bit sloppy when he's around. And then so I try to... Something the other way around, but fair enough. Yeah, I know. Isn't that mad? I get a bit sloppy when you're home because I think there's not as much pressure. But anyway, I tried for a few days to get the kids to go outside first thing in the morning and stand on the grass barefoot.

6:31Oh, earthing. Earthing. Because I read about it. I saw an Instagram video about it. It's a hippie thing, innit? No, did not. They absolutely don't want to live that life. they want none of it like when you when you stand on the grass barefoot you do feel some type of it feels something I don't know it's tingling I loved it I loved it I was like this is we did it a couple of days I do remember this we did it for a couple of days and then I was like then it was like winter I'm like I'm gonna fucking go it's dark it's two degrees I live in the north I'm standing outside on the grass but the kids this is disgusting right but our children and it's really upsetting and I think it's because they're boys more so they will instead of going to the toilet they will sometimes just go outside for a piss yeah oh no that would get on my absolute nerves if I saw my son doing that I'd be like if you don't get into this house right now it's awful you better just walk outside they're just it's awful just walk outside sometimes they walk past the toilet to walk outside to piss outside what is that but what is that though what like why I don't know the boys are strange my son he's got an ensuite but he goes downstairs to take a shit and I'm like but you've got the ah that's clever that's very clever he's not he's not he doesn't want to stink his room out he's very clever it's like you've got there's a window you've got air freshener like I've hooked you up how old is he?

7:56my son's nine nine yeah he's going to be ten in August nice in the notes right I've been wanting right it says that you once strapped onions to your children's feet to make them feel better yeah So our friend from Canada, she came over and she was just like, you've got to try this new thing. It's when your children have a cold, just put onions under their foot and cling film it to their foot. And then put the socks over. And then that should drive the cold away because you've got these, you've got the most pores in your foot. And so the onion scent juice, I don't know what happens, but something from there.

8:36You very much went in blind with this. You really trust this woman. And we were like, yeah, okay. She loves standing on the garden, on the grass barefoot. Yeah. I can see her. I can see what she looks like. And so when we went to Barbados for Christmas, we did it. And I mean, we both were convinced that it worked because they both had some really bad coughs that time. And we did it. And then they stopped coughing. And we were like, oh my God. I've heard about it before. No. I've heard about it before. I've heard as well that you cut an onion, you just leave it like on your bench. Yeah. And that can get rid of germs and stuff.

9:11I don't know how much, if it's true or if it's a placebo or whatever, but I mean, for the most part, it kind of cut the cough in half. I would say that. Right, but is it not coincidence? Did they not just have what was going to be a short bout of coughing and you just happened to do that that time? Most likely, but in our mind... You know what you should have done? This is what you should have done. You should have done a blind test. you should have give one of them onions on their feet and the other one just I don't know something else that feels like onion I don't know some cold bits of leaf and just strap around and go right and then see which one if one of them keeps coughing that one you know what I mean or if they both do or whatever yeah like a double like a blind test yeah I should have done that to me but we were so convinced we were like oh my gosh it was it was it was it was it stinking oh hell yeah gee I don't think our kids would put onions on their feet we had to open like we had these big doors so we have to hold the minimum.

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13:18So you are, we've read your notes, we've read the research notes, right? You are a self-confessed tablet parent. yeah yeah I think we all are we are but we don't admit it as openly as you are happy to which is interesting so how did this come about you're just coming out and telling everyone you're a tablet parent I am because you know what it is sometimes you do need that moment of rest yeah you know how intense it could be with two children and you know they're both begging for your attention or they get bored what are the ages again you got nine and nine and two oh shit that's a big gap yeah we've got a five year gap that's a big gap man seven year gap between our two and you know uh a little one's a girl and she's at that stage where she's tearing the house apart yeah you know and she's all about following me around the whole house so i can't do anything if i go toilet she's like banging on the door like let me in like you know i'm saying if i'm in the shower she'll proper stand outside she'll be like daddy shower and i'm get the hell out let's go get out of here I'm like babes come get your daughter your daughter come get your daughter get your daughter now like but no she follows me around the whole place and like all her toys she'll get all her toys and she'll tip it all onto the floor like every single last toy she has has to be like within reach for her and it is just annoying man it's just like oh my gosh so sometimes I do with my daughter I don't really but with my son it's just like look, just take the tablet, let me put something on the TV for my little girl.

14:54Yeah, yeah. And then five minutes. Yeah, you know what I mean? Have you seen? I thought it was going to be real. I thought it was like, oh, strap on to their foot, onions on their feet, tablet on their face. Strap on the tablet, like. That's not as bad at all. You've said you're a dad. Like in the notes, it was like, you're like, you know, I'm revolution. I don't let them see the real world. That's fine. I was expecting something fucking like, you're like, oh, give me, you give me for five minutes, piss you off. We're all fucking tablet parents. Have you seen, we haven't spoke about this have you seen the new government guidelines for kids watching telly oh god no under five under five one hour a day I was like no look at his face one hour what one hour a day let me try switch off the TV with my little girl when Bob the train's on it's like she is not having that wow she will lose it one hour a day is insane one hour a day I just thought does it not mean one hour off does it not mean have a one hour break a day I know, it means one hour a day.

15:51I mean, this isn't the law. You don't have to do this. It's just guidelines. But that's crazy. God, we were watching more than one hour a day when there was only four channels. Exactly. Yeah. That's what hell was a TV. I know, so did that. Straight in from school. I remember, right? I had this. Loved it. I used to come in from school, right? And I would watch like, you know, you'd watch whatever was on CBBC. You'd be absolutely devastated. News round would come on. You'd just fucking sit through news round, just gutted. And then there'd be something like Grange Hill or Biker Grove after that. and then you'd switch to BBC Two and you'd get Simpsons and then you'd get like Fresh Prince of Bel-Air or Robot Wars.

16:21I would lie on me stomach eating me tea watching the... Like on me stomach so like lying like that tell you say I'm with you bro. Like that would make me die now. That's another thing. The way children watch TV really annoys me. My son has started to do that. He will lie on his back and like... And I'm like Like, does it look? Can you like see the TV properly? Like, is everything upside down? He's just like, no. And I'm just like, can you sit up? Stop having fun. Sit up and just be civilized. Yeah. Yeah, anyway. I used to lie on me stomach eating food, which is just disgusting. Like, I was in a hotel yesterday and the chair was slightly too low and I couldn't eat.

17:09I had to move chairs. But then I'm like lying on me, like pizza and fucking waffles, beans, turkey, jettas, just hoeing it in me, while lying flat on me stomach with me head up like a tortoise. Good old days. Like what the... Good old days. Good old days. We didn't give a shit. We need to remember Fresh Prince of Bel-Air actually because we're now trying to get our 10-year-old to watch things that we... Like he loves... So at the minute, he's just finished. He loved Malcolm in the Middle. Oh, come on. Great show. And it's coming back as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's coming back. What else has he watched?

17:40He watched The Middle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was another one. Have you ever seen that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was it Brian? No, no, no. The janitor from Scrubs is the main guy in the middle. It's weird that it was called The Middle, even though there was Mark in the middle. It was very similar. Very, very similar. Yeah, because the kid's dead clever as well, isn't he? But it's just another family, but it's the janitor from Scrubs who's the main guy in it. That's really good. He's done The Simpsons. Done all the... He's completed The Simpsons. He's fully completed The Simpsons. He started watching The American Office, but we'll have to skip loads of it because some of it is, like, not appropriate.

18:11But Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. That'll be the next one. That's a good one. I know in my house you have to learn the intro you have to learn the rap it's not enough that you just watch it it's just like this is a rites of passage you must understand how important Fresh Prince is learn it are we talking about no but what would you actually think if you met someone at our age now who didn't know the rap I would lose it can you imagine like how do you not know this everybody knows this this is what I mean yeah oh this happened last night the burbs do you remember the burbs Have you seen The Burbs? Yeah.

18:46He's never seen it. Never seen The Burbs. I've never seen The Burbs. It was on last night and I watched a bit of it and then you fell asleep and I put the golf on. It was good. Oh, so you didn't even watch it? I knew I wasn't going to stay awake long enough to watch all of it so I thought I'm not watching a big chunk of it because I can watch it again at some point with you, maybe with the kids. So I switched the golf on. But yeah, I've never seen The Burbs. One of my mates has not seen The Goonies. Shut up. And I was like, how? Like, how? How does that work? in our generation it was on TV all the time yeah yeah everyone had it on video everyone had the video that is insane yeah see that's yeah you were going to say because you know the second verse or something no no I was going to say yeah are we talking are we talking just the normal rap are we talking you know the first three episodes had that extra I pleaded and I begged I like you I like you you see yeah alright I see you I see you but I don't know that version Yeah, neither do I.

19:43Neither do I. So it's, yeah, she said, you're moving with your auntie, uncle and Billy and there's another verse in the middle. It's like, I begged and I pleaded and it's like this whole, and then it's, your home's the Billy. I whistle for a cab. Yeah, it's before the whistle for the cab. So it's between, it's between you're moving with your auntie and uncle and Billy and I whistle for a cab. It's a bit in there about he's begging her not to go. He doesn't want to go and all this. Whenever they would play that version, it was like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, remember EastEnders and they would give you that lead up to the doof doof.

20:15Do you remember when they would do that? You would hear this piano and you'd be like, what? What's going on? And it was like, doof doof doof. And then doof doof. And you were like, oh. It was special, isn't it? Yeah, because sometimes it would come in, most of the time it would come in cold, but yeah, sometimes there would lead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just the guy on the volume. Were you an EastEnders kid or a Coronation Street? Oh, no, I'm an EastEnders kid. EastEnders, well, I know, all right. Coronation Street. Maybe she wanted a bit of dog. I hated the theme. I was like, it's a cat dying. Like, what's going on here?

20:47I just hated, yeah. And Emmerdale, I couldn't relate to back then because I was living in the city and Emmerdale was this countryside. Yeah, that must have been like, what the fuck? What is this? How far away is this place? And remember Brookside? Do you remember Brookside? I remember Brookside. That was the Scouse one, wasn't it? That was rough as tools, wasn't it? It was rough as hell. I didn't understand a word they were saying.

21:14Well, big up Liverpool, man. It was great. Brookside was really the first lesbian kiss ever on telly, I think. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. It was pretty groundbreaking. I bet there was protests. I bet there was marches. I bet there will have been. There 100 % will have been. I'm sure. I mean, I might be wrong. I might not be in the first one on telly, but when they buried them under the patio. Remember that? No. I remember that. Yeah. Oh, snap. Yeah. They fucking killed someone in Brookside and buried them under a patio. Buried them under the patio. Under the front patio The front patio? I mean, no, I was young Rooks I was a bit young How old are you?

21:47I'm going to be 40 this year So are we? Come on Shut up, 86 40 class What day is your birthday? August the 2nd I'm the 3rd She's the 30th

22:02This never happens 1986 August 1986 Yeah Oh my God everybody calm down my son's the first of August what apologies to everyone listening the second of August blew my I'm third that blew my mind that blew my mind so are you the same star sign then shut up you don't believe in that do you I'm not having that there's 12 kinds of people I'm not having it well I'm sorry have you met people there's definitely 12 kinds of people and then what happens is when you find out what the star sign is, you go, fuck, that's that person. It's, I think it's very true. No, because Leo's, they always say Leo's are supposed to be very, well, arrogant is the word they always use.

22:50Do you know what's really hot? The thing with star signs is, they can say arrogant, but actually it can just be like an inner, it can be like an inner confidence that you have, like an inner self. What you're saying is you can absolutely mold the entire thing to mean whatever you want it to mean. But I'm a Leo, so I would say that, wouldn't I?

23:10I'm a Virgo and Virgos are notoriously like the worst like not the worst star sign but they're very much in all the rankings they come like really top full just sort of being like don't take any bullshit just don't take bullshit yeah I'll agree with the worst bit yeah great good good thanks no it's I really believe when you read about it it's really it's fascinating but anyway fuck yes I'm glad I'm glad we're all are you doing anything nice for your 40th got any good plans yeah so well it's kind of a bit annoying well not annoying for me but because my son is turning 10 and his birthday is the day before mine he really wants to go to Japan so we are taking him to Japan he does not know this and he's not gonna well I'm not gonna let him listen to this podcast no don't let him don't let him yeah we're surprising him with a trip to Japan are you gonna go to Mario yes that's more for me than him yeah so I'm gonna have to I'm gonna be in Japan anyway so Oh, well, that can be both of you, though.

24:08It can have a joint. It's pretty cool. We want to go to Japan as well. That's on our list, isn't it? Is it the littlest one? Absolutely. Oh, wow. Are we taking them all to Japan? Absolutely, yeah, yeah. That's rogue. Some parents are just better at travelling than us. We're just... You know what? I give that all to my wife. When it comes to travelling, she is the travel person. Right. She always wants to explore the world and go here and there. Love that. I'm just like, if I'm free, let's go. Like, you know. Yeah. No, I think we need to be a bit more adventurous like that. Yeah. Where's the last trip you had?

24:44Where's the last one of those? We're very, we're just Europe. We're just sort of like, by a pool. We're very boring, honestly. Have you gone to like the Caribbean yet, Barbados? No. Oh! Oh, no, no, no. We gotta change this. Really? Yeah, I'm gonna get my wife to message you. Okay. Oh, yes. Tell me where to go. Yeah, we'll tell her. She will, that's yeah. Don't worry. Right, okay. Just expect a message. It's tricky because we are like, we're very much to a core, like working class, north, east. Nobody, I don't mean that awfully because obviously the world's changing and people are going everywhere.

25:17But I think fundamentally that's us, isn't it? And we don't know enough about it. We are very much, last week in July, first week in August, Costa del Sol, that's it. I get it. That's how I was until my wife was just like, nah man, let's go out. I know that's what I wanted. Yeah, okay, that's really cool. In Japan, I want to do Japan. Oh, hugely. They would both be all right, actually, because Rafe's five. Yeah. He's really cool. Yeah. Oh. It's just a long flight, and I just think of them sitting. It's great. They just do me titting. You told me, man. They do me titting on flights, man. It's actually you.

25:50I'm just sitting there. Literally, I drive him to the soft plane. He's like, oh, we're there yet? I'm like, it's a 10-minute drive. What do you mean, oh, we're there yet? Yeah, that's what... And that's the thing as well with him. I go... So I go sometimes, he go, I'm driving home from school. He goes, are they here yet? I go, yeah. He goes, no, we're not. I go, why'd you ask then? And he goes, don't say that. And I'm like, you... Who's that, Rafe or Robin? Rafe? Oh, Rafe. No, I know, but we just... Do you know what it is? We haven't... Our kids are not chill kids. They're not. They're just not chill kids.

26:17But we're not chill people. We're not. We just found out your birthday was in August and we screamed. No, but we could have celebrated longer. We really could have. We all held back, let's be real. We really could have. broke out the champagne we could have really gone out like and it's 40 no we're not chill people so we've not got chill kids so it's our it's our fault yeah it's our fault we do look at that do you ever look at that thing and you go why are my kids crazy and you go oh oh my god it's me 100 % 100 % the craziness of my children definitely come from me because I am the let's blast some music in the house and let's let's everybody have like a party and my wife is just like guys we need to pray it's prayer time now and it's there she is the chilled one oh yes Christian Christian some devout Christians wow she's definitely getting into heaven 100 % hopefully hopefully I'm her plus one I think you get a little admin so I I was brought up Catholic so I'm Catholic but Chris isn't he's nothing oh is he he's nothing I'd love to be I'd love to be I'll be honest with you I'd love that kind of comfort I think I think it would be really nice I'd love to believe it you know what I mean but we've got you do a little bit we've got one child christened and one child isn't christened and I'm not christened.