Please Keep Me Anonymous with Bridget Christie

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0:42Built into Word, Excel, PowerPoint, and other Microsoft 365 apps you use. Helping you quickly write, analyze, create, and summarize. So you can cut through clutter and clear a path to your best work. Learn more at microsoft.com slash m365copilot. Hello, you are listening to this week's episode of Please Keep Me Anonymous. Yes, hello. And this week we have got the fantastic comedian Bridget Christie. Now, anyone who doesn't know Bridget, Bridget was on my series of Taskmaster. She's a fantastically successful comedy award winning. You can remember that Edinburgh award that I got nominated for but I didn't win.

1:21Yes. She probably won it. She probably won it. Not my year, just a different year. Brilliant. We had a lovely chat. Lovely, lovely chat. So I feel really calm. She's really calm and influenced. And so funny, a telling story. She's so funny. You're really going to enjoy this. Bridget is going on tour. Her tour's called Jack Potato Pizza, which we do dive into. Don't miss that. I'm still fascinated by that. I'm still fascinated by it. It's starting in January 2026. You can get tickets from bridgetchristie.com. .co.uk. .co.uk. I'm so sorry. This is Bridget's 14th live show. Yeah. I mean she's a proper seasoned stand-up a really really fantastic performer and like I say won the Edinburgh Comedy Award she's brilliant and you'll see throughout the chat she's just hilarious she had me in bits yeah and please if you're watching this consider liking and subscribing oh yeah we'd really like that we'd really like that just before you go to bridgichristie.co.uk and get them tickets like and subscribe we had a fight about the jingle jingle we couldn't settle on a jingle Jingle, jingle.

2:25So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Jingle. Oh, I've heard that before. Oh, my God, that's so delish. I don't like loads of milk, so a cortado is diddy. It's like that. I did for a bit, I got a cortado, yeah. Yeah, have you gone back to a flat white? Bit strong for me, the cortado. I felt it in the teeth. it's very little milk so it's the same amount of coffee but half half a cup like about that much milk it should be like that sometimes they give you a flat it's a one-to-one ratio isn't it of like yeah exactly the thingy yeah um i drink black coffee i drink black coffee do you yeah what did you send me this morning so i so i do believe i'm being sort of gaslit by me instagram algorithm because every other day I get sent something, there's something pops up that says a new study has found.

3:22And I think it knows that I like these things and I think most of them are bullshit. But it said day, I showed you, a new study has found that people who drink black coffee have much higher psychopathic traits. What? Yeah. That is rubbish. Isn't it absolute vomit? That's exactly what a psychopathic drink black coffee would say. Well, my psychopathic is, I don't like milk. I would say that if you loved milk, you're more likely to be a psychopath. Thank you. Because we're not meant to be drinking the milk of a young other animal. Yeah, that's been squirted out of a teat. We're the only species who A, drinks milk out of infancy and from another species.

4:04It's insane. It would be more sane for women to sell their breast milk to other families. You're totally right. No, but that sounds crazy, but that makes more sense to me than drinking like a dog's milk. Because to me, it's the same as cow's milk. So are you oat milk then? I'm guessing you're oat milk. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus. Anyway, bottoms up. No, do you know I've got some kennels? Are you promoting your dog milk? Are you promoting your new brand of dog milk? God, you've changed. You know all about this stuff, don't you? Do you got some relation to a farm? Rosie, no I worked on a farm for two days and it was the hardest worst two days of my most stressful, more stressful than giving birth what?

4:57Getting married getting divorced no do you want me to tell you I want to know all about these horrible two days I left school very young, 15 and I got a job in an office and I was just like, oh, there's got to be more to life than this and, you know, going into an office. And I thought, what I'll do is I'll work on a farm. It can be out in the... Because I love the countryside. So you played a game of opposites there is what you did. You went indoor, electric, outdoor, no electric. Yeah. Where are you from? Well, no, I'm from Gloucester. Is that not the countryside? It's surrounded by the countryside, but it's a town.

5:40It's a lovely town. I've just always loved nature and things like this, not thinking that. I mean, I don't know what I thought I would be doing, sat on a, you know, bay hail reading a book or something, but it was not that. So I saw this advert in the Gloucester Citizen of like a farmhand. And I was like, it's going to be just amazing. I'm going to be out. First thing was, get there at six o 'clock to milk the cows. How old were you? 15, 16. Oh, no, no, no. No. On my motorbike, I had an RS250. Of course you did. So actually I must have been 16, I think. Got my overalls, my pen knife, like a few little tools.

6:21Yeah, yeah. Like dress up, like Flynn dress up. To the farm. Oh my God. Got there. The farmer and his wife. Every single job was the most stressful. I would rather die dressed as an ant in front of 5 ,000 people, which I did do, and that is not stressful for me at all. Stage die. Die on stage. Stage die. Die on stage. Yeah, so she's not in her second life and she was an insect. She's mad, she's not that mad. Than ever do any... Right, so I got there. Oh, can you milk the cows? Yeah. Well, then I was walked into this huge, like, hangar-type building you know like a huge barn it's called a barn yeah but like a okay a very big one no but when you say barn you know you think of like a wooden I know what you mean structure with you've really like what's the word luxuriate this in your mind yeah you've romanticised it yeah yeah you know Babe the film yeah

7:24come pig this pig doesn't talk this isn't a real thought yeah why are these spiders so like facey so So, and there's these cows in there. And I'm like, oh my God. So, and all these machines. I'm quite scared by machinery anyway. I mean, farming, don't laugh. It's really funny because you rode there on a motorbike, but you're scared of machinery. Yeah, but riding a bike isn't the same as... The big old machine. I know what you mean. This is the 1980s. You weren't even born, I don't expect. And, you know, you're in... So it's like a swimming pool that has no water in it. You stand in that bit. Oh, God.

8:07The cow's feet are at your eye level. Oh, God. And then you have to get these big, long, like something out of bloody 1984. Oh, and put them on the teats. Put them on the teats. Right, I've romanticised it. I thought I would be like a young Swiss girl doing that. Yeah, with the metal sort of. You did have to get their muck off their teats with your hand first. And I'm squeamish as well. Like I don't like giving blood or genitals or anything like that. So I've had to get like carapoo off the udders. What are they smell? What are they smell? The smell was the last thing on my mind. You know, I'm doing this like, you know.

8:54And then I'm having to get these huge suckers that are on pipes, like something out of a horror film, onto them. Modern day farming, isn't it? Without really being given any training. Oh, my God. Because I think they thought that the best way to train people is to throw them in literally at the deep end. That's what I was in. And then what happened? Because the cows knew that I was new by my touch, or they would just wee and poo on me.

9:28And I... I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. I haven't told you the worst bit yet. I'm just not the idea that the girls are like, oh, Derek, did you shit on the new girl? I shit, I pissed on, I pissed on the new girl. But they did. That's what they did. I think they knew you were new, so they were like, screw you. We must have a bit of a... And because you're down concentrating, you don't see the tail go up or anything like that. Oh, no. But this will make you laugh even more. So I was in my brand new overalls, you know, playing at being a farmhand. Might have put like plaits in or something as well. And then he said, his name was Richard, the farmer.

10:09Don't worry, I'll hose you down. I was like, hose me down. OK, yeah, I mean, I needed to be hosed down. So went into the courtyard of the farm and he got this hose and then was literally hosing me down with cold water and it was in the winter. And I was like, stizzling out there like that. And I was really small and weak anyway, like when I was there. And then I just looked up, like traumatised, and I just saw his wife literally dying of laughter in the kitchen. Yeah. I mean, it's probably, it is probably quite funny to see the new person. Yeah, that's. Everything I did was either wrong or terrifying.

10:48I'm scared of heights and I had to climb up this ladder to throw the bales of hay down onto a truck or something. So I was going up the ladder like this, oh God, and then climbed to this huge... Do you know how heavy a bale of hay is? I can't even imagine. Are we talking the square ones? I mean, there's nothing in here big enough. But they're not the round ones, they're the square ones. An enormous square block of hay. I fed the cows gravel instead of their feed I didn't wonder they were pissing on you well that was after gravel well it looked similar everything was in these massive sacks I don't bloody know gravel so what did you you went to bed that night and did you think I haven't told you the worst what's worse than getting whores down there's two more things The one thing was bringing the cows in.

11:51Oh, my God. I would actually rather be kidnapped and held at gunpoint. And that is not an invitation for anyone who might be listening, by the way. I would rather be kidnapped. What? I would be because I think I'd be able to get my head around that. Right. Picture the scene. Have you met a cow? I'm terrified of cows. No, Chris, do you know how big they are? They're massive. I don't mean because of their personality. Who has ever asked me if I've met a cow? They are enormous. Huge. I'm terrified of them. Enormous. Yeah, they're huge. Huge. Yeah. And even though they're not naturally aggressive animals.

12:34They can be, though. Yes. If a cow ran at me, I'd shit me pants. Yeah. Well, let me ask you something, seeing as this is such fun. You're 15. You've been told to bring the cows in. what does that mean? I don't know if he gave me a tiny stick or something. It shows you where they are in a field, which is a long way away. It's not like next to the farmhouse. So you go out and it might be a frosty morning. I think it was the winter that I... Anyway, so you go out, there's nobody else around. You have to get 20 cows to follow you. So I'm going, A, they're huge. B, I'm like going, please come in. Please follow me.

13:19Like prodding them a bit. Oh, my God. Like, I haven't got a dog. I mean, what would I do with a dog? Because dogs get sheep anyway. But I don't know. I know what you mean, aren't I? Yeah. So you're trying to, you know, you open the gate and actually, fair play, God bless them. Did they go? After a while, they did sort of, you know, I'd be going, come on, please. Yeah. I think I cried the whole two days. because I was like crying going up the ladder crying oh my I've just remembered something so the two things the one is he said have you driven a tractor before I was like no and he was like okay so we jumped on a tractor and he was like this is how you change gear blah blah blah went across two fields and then he said we'll just go through some fields and then we'll drive back to the barn on our way back I was talking to him they're really noisy as well and I was like oh he's not really answering he had jumped off and i hadn't realized and i was talking to him oh how do you stop it and he's not on the tractor he's like a field back like waving at me so i just i didn't know how to stop it so i sort of drove around for a bit and then sort of drove into like the side of a like an outbuilding this is wild it's not the worst thing what do you mean Oh my God, what is this worst thing?

14:43The worst thing that made me cry the most and took the longest. And the only thing I can relate it to is, well, I had to get a newborn calf, which was covered in all the yellow stuff. Yeah. From a pen into a cage on the back of the tractor. Oh my God. And this is just in two days. Oh my God. This is crazy. How did you do that? Well, I obviously didn't. It must be like trying to pick up something that's been buttered. But it's not like a puppy size. No, they're massive. Oh, God, they're huge. A calf is big, upset because it's going to be taken away from its mum. I was upset about that. It can't really stand properly, so its legs are falling out from underneath it.

15:33In the end, I just stood there crying. I'm sorry. No, I would do the same. I think you've got to be hard to work on a farm, don't you? You've got to be tough. No, you've got to be born into it or a psychopath. You're really tickled us. I'm just crying. I'm so sorry. I'm just seeing a 15-year-old you doing that. No, everything about it was unbelievable. If things like that come natural to you, that's fine. But I would much rather work in a secured place where there's criminals, you know, murderers and stuff.

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17:49Let's try and like, what's been your favorite job ever? That's the worst job ever. What's been your favorite job? What's your favorite non-comedy job? Non-comedy job. Yeah. Oh my God. Because I've done so many. Yeah. I think we do. Jobs from 15 to 39. So I think we do. I think people who end up finding comedy, I think you try so many, because there's something in you that goes, this isn't it. You'll try every job and there's something in the back of your head going, even how much you enjoy this job, this isn't the one, until you find, not saying it's a calling or anything, but you know what I mean.

18:24I did have it. I wanted to do this since I was four. Oh, wow. Well, not stand-up, but I didn't get any. I went to drama school. Did you? Yeah, but I didn't get any work and I still haven't from an audition. Wow. Not from a single audition? My friends think this is the funniest thing they've ever heard. No job still. The only things that you've ever seen me in has been my friends casting me or me casting myself in my own thing. Wow. Yeah. Wow. And I've talked so much about this, about how some auditions I've done and I have been dog shit. Like I've gone Good luck with the show Because you won't be seeing me again And I know that Because I feel bad about myself But other ones I've gone That was I might get that And I never do When I was 18 I auditioned for loads of stuff And never got anything I'm just not good in auditions I don't think I'm really not in that environment Some people are great but then they get the job and they're shit Yeah yeah I think well you've got to remember huge top flight actors send in tapes and go for auditions and they get you know you read loads of times about how loads of actors have missed out on like Marvel castings and stuff and now they're big actors I had one I've talked about it in my stand up before but I had one I had an audition for War Horse and I knew nothing about it what?

19:45yeah yeah I had an audition I went down somewhere posh in London there was a film wasn't it? the War Horse movie the film and the line was actually like I'm just from South Shields and that's where I'm from actually you would have been great I know that little bit. Well, what I did in the audition, it was one of the, apologies to anyone who's heard this in my stand-up, but it was a big clash of culture. You know this, but you've probably forgot it because we've talked so much. It was a big culture clash between me and the casting director who was just a lovely, very professional, very, dare I say, quite a posh lady.

20:14And she was like, we're talking about it. And I hadn't read the script. That was a problem. I couldn't really act. That was another problem. But the main problem was the fact that she said, we've just secured a big director. And I said, who's the director? She said, you're one of the first people I'm telling this to it's Steven Spielberg yes it was him and I went fuck off what's wrong with that? I don't think she was from a world where people say fuck off like everyone says fuck off yes but her face told me that no one had really said fuck off to her face before and she got a right fright and I had that I walked out of the room and I was like yeah I'll never be in this this will never happen and it should have been a slam dunk that is a shame it should have been a slam dunk I'd like to think that wasn't the reason.

20:57I think it's because he didn't do very well in the audition. Probably that. And I think he's skirting around the fact that he told her to fuck off. Maybe I told her to fuck off just to really seal the deal so it couldn't be the fact that I was shit. I mean, you didn't say fuck off because you left as well. I think it was just after I kicked that table over that I said fuck off. Oh, my God. Who did it in the end? I can't remember. No, I can't remember either. It's a lovely little line. Yeah, because he's from South Shield, isn't he? Yeah, and he says I'm from South Shield. I would love to actually see, I know we probably weren't meant to talk about this, I would love to see more comics acting and things because I do think comics are really good actors.

21:32Yeah. And they bring something, I'm not, you know, I'm talking about in general the circuit. And I think that they bring a real individuality and like a different energy. And I think they should be cast a lot more. I agree. Especially when I'm telling stories, I'm acting out all the parts. I'm on stage and I'm acting out all the parts. So you can do it. but I mean, God, I'm not saying I'm good, but you can do it. I think that what we might tend to do is, and I've done this all the time, is overthink or say, I don't think this character would say that because we're used to saying our own material and stuff and seeing it's actually not our job to comment on the scripts at all.

22:10Our job when we go in for those things is to actually just say the words to the best of our ability. But I don't think a lot of us, because we're used to having so much control. That's true. I did a sitcom called Heaven and my problem was I'm used to turning up, doing my bit and leaving. So when someone told me, when the producer told me that my first scene was seven o 'clock in the morning and then I had to hang around for six hours and do a scene after that, I couldn't get my head around it. I was like, well, just do both mine now and I'll go. He was like, what the fuck is wrong with you? And then when they changed all the cameras around, you didn't enjoy having to stay there for other people's stuff, did you?

22:44Oh, I hated it. You wanted to put the camera behind your head when you're someone's eyeline. I was like, fuck this. I'm not even on the camera why am I here I heard somebody Diane Keaton who's just yes was it Sarah Paulson said it yeah she would stay yeah that's lovely isn't it you know because sometimes people often leave and they get a stand in to give you your eyeline you're one of those you're one of those that's me I didn't even so I did who do you think you are yeah and the finger pointing at all of the documents on the close ups of the documents that's not my finger that's a producer's finger is it?

23:20so I had a corporate I had a corporate gig on one of the first days oh did you and I left for the corporate and Toby the producer he went oh well I'll just do my finger it'll be mine and I went we're doing that at the end of the day every day he went yeah yeah I went how long do they take all the finger pointing things he went about an hour and a half I went you're my finger for this whole thing we need it continuity I went I can't have a different finger I don't even I'm going to protect you here a little bit it's not even a diva thing no Chris's attention span is so short it's bad to the point you know obviously we work together we're in meetings right big important meetings and a lot of the time I'm mortified actually we've spoken about this I think where they will say right we need to hurry up we're going to lose Chris and I'm sat there going he's nearly 40 years old like this is my business partner and people are actually saying right we better hurry up we're going to lose Chris and I'm going what the fuck sorry I can only apologise it's bad it's not got a very long attention span that's just no ADHD thing I believe he has no diagnosis but Bridget There's something there.

24:19Well, everyone's talking about it at the moment. I know. But I mean, you have to get an official diagnosis, but I think most of us... To do this job, I think. Reading a book, for me, it has to be absolutely... I can't... And I can't retain the information either. I've read the same paragraph. I've read this chapter. Yeah, me too. I was reading that, but I was thinking about something else. Me too. Audiobooks, I'm bad. Even an audio book, when it's reading, I'll just drift off and I go, what the fuck are they talking about? And I've got to use the little 10-second button to skip back. Yeah. Unless it's something you're super, super into.

24:56Hyper-focused on, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hyper-focused, and then there isn't a single detail that I won't know. Yes. But that doesn't happen too often about things. Definitely. Speaking of details, I want to know, you are on to talk about your new tour. You've got a tour. Oh, yes. I love the title. Jack-o-Potato Pizza. I just thought I'd call it that Well this is a story that I've not really I'm really enjoying doing the show Because it's about lots of different things You know I want to get onto the list of things Jacket potato pizza is Something is a meal that a date made me Well A jacket potato pizza A dry pizza base No tomato sauce nothing Right Jacket potato in the middle also nothing on it gone no the jack of a day I'm glad you've done that because often when I tell this story on stage people look like what's wrong with you what's wrong I'm not speaking of psychopaths where's my I need a water I need a water just talking about this because you've you've given yourself a dry mouth with the shock that's it that you see that's another thing bubbling under the surface you need a diagnosis he's kind of got a dry mouth just talking about dry pizza just talking about that I gave me a dry mouth.

26:13Wow. If I talk about dry things, you'll become dry. Hey, hey, hey, get your head out of the gutter. Mentioning that, you said... I don't even know what you mean by that. You said dry pizza base and jackpotato. Now, we've had a long-standing thing on our podcast is that Rosie loves jackpotato. I love a jackpotato. It's my favourite food, Bridget. Oh, my God. Okay, what do you have on your jackpotato? I would have beans and cheese. Nice. Good choice. So for me, the beans are the problem here. Because they make it all wet. No, because the bean, a bean in itself, a bean is exactly the same consistency as a potato.

26:53It's essentially a mini potato, loads of mini potatoes on a potato. I kind of get that. I can't do the texture of that. And I find it, it looks, jied potato, roasted or whatever they do with it, open, load of beans, loads of cheese melted on top. It looks amazing. and the sauce, I take a mouthful, I want it to be over. It's awful. And you haven't got a diagnosis. But just talking about it. I know what you mean. It's about texture and... But a bean is... A bean is... It can be sort of powdery and hard, whereas a potato is, depending on how you cook it, should be fluffy, soft. Yeah, I don't know.

27:35I've started making them dry potatoes in the oven. Very comforting. Oh, it was amazing. And I have to scoop his out and I mix butter in with cheese and mayonnaise and I put it back in. And you enjoy that. It just has to be, it has to be fucking lubricated for us to swallow it. Lubricate. I've got a thing where I choke easily if food is too dry. I remember you've talked about this on Taskmaster. I remember this. Yeah, it's got a name. So how did you possibly match? So I'm sorry to go back to this. Dry pizza base with a dry jatt of potato on top. and that was the meal no it was and I went ooh because I was really young and I was nice then I had oestrogen back then I was in my 20s we put up with so much more didn't we don't we put up with so much oh my gosh I was so tolerant of some people now I'm like in got no time I would have laughed in his face I would have left and I said what the fuck is this well now yeah but not with oestrogen yeah with oestrogen I went this is so sweet you've made a meal for us Oh, wow.

28:38What's that? Thank you. And I am assuming this is the night that you found out you had the gagging with dry food thing, because that's the driest thing in the world. You might as well eat it but in the sand. The dry throat thing has only happened in like the last 10 years. So I did eat the dry jacket potato. That isn't the weirdest thing that happened that night. Oh, my gosh. Don't worry. I'm not like an act who talks about rude things. No worries. But he was doing this funny dance like then later. Right. You know, like a joke striptease. Was he not just trying to get his digestive system moving because of all of the...

29:10He was trying to get the potato down. Potato and breading. Just get it moving.

29:17Rocking back and forward, squats. Oh, God. Oh, my God. And he ended, like, just a button and a bit of his zip on his trousers, and he had another pair of trousers on underneath. Stop!

29:37Two pairs of trousers. What? What? I've talked about this before. What kind of trousers? What was he wearing? I can't remember. Did he have jeans? I think it was trousers. And I went, oh. That's a sensory thing though. Yeah, someone messaged me on the podcast. Oh, right. And I was like, well, can't you just layer, like wear thermals? And he went, why would I spend money on an extra item of clothing when I can just wear two pairs of trousers? Did he not look like Hedged Yeah Was his legs not like bulked Did he not look like Tight but thick I hadn't Looked at His leg Like You don't like Look at You don't tend to go I think He's got two bits See that's I would have noticed That straight away I would have seen And I'd have gone Why is Why is like His middle like Thick All bunched up And bunched together Like where's his skin Yeah I would have Spotted that I think Well, you say that, but then I did this bit.