Please Keep Me Anonymous with Charlie Baker

18:13The year would be based around it. Yeah.

18:17Rosie Ramsey:Right. You know, the whole year would be sort of building up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd get through Christmas, because you'd go, all right, tin hat on, get through Christmas, make some money, and then you go, right, build up to... What am I doing to August? Meaning the gigs while we're off as toast at Christmas, and it was just no one listened and no one gave a shit. Got forked off in Leeds once. Sorry? Forked? People throwing forks at me. Stop. Norway. Or we... I had fallen out of them. And, you know, we'd had a row from the stage. You and the crowd. Yeah, I was dying on my arse. And then I sort of went at them because they were chatting.

18:49But then forks started coming my way. That is so bad.

18:53Rosie Ramsey:See, that's why I loved singing. Yeah. Because you could just hide behind. I've had some stinking... I told you about the Middlesbrough gig I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At the back of the room, just a couple with their fingers in their ears. Yeah, lovely. I was just like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hopelessly Like Imagine physically doing that It was horrible But they're sick How much of an arsehole do you have to be To put your fingers in your ear when someone's singing But I could hide behind the songs I didn't You know I took it all in I broke up with a boyfriend once And I had to do an Adele song And my dad came to the gig with us And I literally broke up with him that day And we'd been together for like three and a half years and I was tears rolling down my face.

19:40Rosie Ramsey:But I just kept singing the song. But I can't imagine having to talk on a bad day. It feels, when they hear you, when you're telling them your stories from your life and stuff you've written yourself and crafted yourself, it really feels, quite rightly, a lot more personal. Yeah, it's a long old hour. Yeah. It is. When you've gone five minutes in, ten minutes in and you've done all your material. Yeah. Because you've gone... And you go... But I think a lot of performers could, every single performer, actors, singers, everyone, should go and do five or ten minutes stand-up because it's the most exposing.

20:16Yeah. It is the most, but general people as well, people should. It's really good. It takes any fear out of you for any sort of work presentation you have to do or go and give someone a quote, whatever your business is, you know. if you know who you are because you've had to work it out and stand there and accept I think it's so beneficial for people

20:40Rosie Ramsey:but some people are not funny though no not funny but then you find that out and then maybe they stop trying to be funny and they'll put their I've been to the dentist before I come in here and I think it might have been her first day on the job

20:56Rosie Ramsey:you've been straight from the dentist to this podcast yeah yeah Well, yeah, I've got my teeth, my filling fell out. And I think I had an emergency appointment. She was laying there with the glasses on. She's dropping stuff. Oh, sorry about that. Oh, sorry. No way, man. Oh, sorry. And then she went a little bit close to the nerve. And so I was like, and then I said, right, I'm going to leave it. So I left it. No way. So you weren't numbed or anything? No, I think I've got like, she went, oh, do you want me to, I could numb you? I was like, no, absolutely. But yeah, I think it might be. Do you want me to pick this needle off the floor that I just dropped?

21:34I think it might be in her first day. But yeah. But I think stand-up's a brilliant thing for finding out who you are. I think we should be allowed to boo more people. I like booing.

21:44Rosie Ramsey:Okay. Really, do you think? I think booing's good, you know. Right. You find out. Like if you went to an Amdram show and it was bad, you'd have to just politely sit there, wouldn't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're allowed to boo. Oh, my God, I don't know if I would agree with that. It would sort the wheat from the chuff pretty quickly. Yeah, because then you'd go, you wash it, so don't do it anymore. So actually, yeah. Maybe I'm drama is the wrong thing, but some professional shows I've seen, I've thought, come on. Oh, yeah. Come on now. Step it up. You've got to. And you'd care to name? Oh, no, no, no.

22:18Name and shame. Sometimes when you go to a regional arts centre, you think, yeah, why is this getting money? they shouldn't be getting money should it

22:32so if you'd like to boo charlie he goes on to booing allowed booing is allowed

22:38Rosie Ramsey:i feel like i sound horrible now no you don't sound no it don't sound horrible at all um so you mentioned before you got married quite young well i don't get married young i met my wife very young right how old this is what i like seeing you two you see i think game recognize game and when you see people who obviously love each other and like each other and also are happy to be married. Yes. Because I think marriage is an odd thing to do. I've been married 25 years next year. I think it's stupid. I'll be married 25 years next year. I couldn't love my wife any more than I do. That's nice. And I think it's a very odd situation.

23:16I hate it. I think it's widely outdated.

23:18Rosie Ramsey:It's stupid. Rosie's catries is marriage is a crock of shit. Okay, yeah. Have you got that on a t-shirt or a hat? I really should, actually. It's good merch. I just think it's very old-fashioned, and I think that people shouldn't feel as bad as they do if it doesn't work out. No, I think you should be allowed a five-year gap. Yeah, let's try it. Like a grace period. Five-year freebie. That would be... Like a warranty. Yeah, keep the receipt for the rings. Yeah, yeah, keep the receipt for the rings. Like a warranty, and it's free to get divorced in the first five years. The same way I feel like you should be able to live for a week in a house before you buy it.

23:50Rosie Ramsey:Oh, my God. let's not get on to the house buying system in this country, Chris. I mean, that's pure hell. I know, it is fucked. Oh, I saw it. But the statistic that I have mentioned so many times on this podcast, when marriage was sort of invented, life expectancy was around about 35. So it was till death do us part, which isn't that long. But I like being married. This is what's crazy. What you've done, Rosie, is you've actually shat on a point he was making. No, no, no, no, no. Chris, we're married and I don't want to split up. I love being married to you, but I feel like we're quite lucky that we found each other.

24:28Rosie Ramsey:But I would hate to think that I'm tied to you for the rest of my life. But you are. I've got some bad news, sweet cheeks. But you're not, because you could leave this afternoon. No, genuinely, though. And actually, the fact that you know that, I think probably makes you have a good marriage. Yes. He wants to keep his golf sim. That's all it is. I mean it's very divorced dad energy Golf sim Isn't it? In the house Golf holidays with the lads Until I've got a fold away bed in the fucker Yeah The golf sim That was a huge compromise actually That was a very big It was a big discussion Yeah But you can use it You're allowed to use it It's a cinema as well That I'm never going to let them use It's a cinema screen It gives you a great pleasure I do masturbate And that's where it goes to wank it is where I've asked to be yeah yeah yeah what if you do a good shot I just I can't I can't even get an erection anymore unless I'm standing on AstroTurf really interesting I like that you should play you should play five a side on a Monday night with the lads got kicked out got kicked out because of the erection yeah yeah yeah put someone's eye out Chris doesn't like football doesn't support football I know that I don't have the shorthand with that you have with many men with Chris that about about I've always got nothing to talk about I can talk to you about musical theatre so it doesn't matter we've bypassed all of that I just go into that.

25:48It's great. I think marriage is, I think it's an odd, I don't know, I think kids see it and go, that's what we're going to do, this is the dream. And actually that doesn't have to be your only dream of getting married. Also, you're allowed to just really like someone and be with someone. Forever. When you meet an older couple who are together and have been together forever and aren't married, you think you're so cool. Yeah. I wish we'd done that. Yeah. I always go, oh, we'd have been so cool, like hippies.

26:20Rosie Ramsey:Against the Grinch that were life partners. Never had to get married. Yeah, but then I'd have to be... Never get that 25 grand back. I'd have to be, at some point, a 60-odd-year-old man seeing me girlfriend. Yeah, that's... No, it turns to partner. Does it? You would see a partner. Lover. Lover. My sexual lover. My sexual lover's here. Yeah, yeah. But it's... My intimate companion. My intimate life companion's here. There we go. But I can see that you two like walking in somewhere when it's your little, when it's your gang. There's a high to that. There's a feeling of strength and love and, what am I trying to say?

27:08Rosie Ramsey:I know exactly what you mean. In that, that is belonging. You've got like someone's got your back. Yeah. All the time. And that's when I think a marriage is good. Yes. When you feel like, they always say someone won't show up. No one's going to show up. And you think, well, I think my wife would show up. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And some people say to us, like, how the hell do you work together all the time? And I'm like, yeah, but Chris is like my mouthpiece. So if I'm not happy about something, I don't have to say it because I'll tell Chris and he will. Whereas if I'm working on a job on my own, I've got to do everything myself.

27:42Rosie Ramsey:So actually, and then you also. When we do TV, I haven't heard of it. But then you also know that someone's got your back. Yeah. And you're together and working on that thing. And it's pure luck. As you say, it's pure luck. Because people often go, how have you got that? Well, we were friends for 10 years before we got together. But also, you learn how to do it. You learn how to be in a good marriage, I think. I think the first five years, have you ever heard the phrase, which is you have to wear the costume before you wear the clothes. i like that i've never heard that that's nice so if you want to be a rapper right yeah you have to pretend you're a rapper before you are exactly that would be a comedian exactly literally after my second gig i told people i'm a comedian yeah and i was styling out just to say i am a comedian i said it enough and then suddenly i was a comedian all right i think it's the same i think it's the same with marriage you have to find out what your happy version of a happy marriage is before you have a happy yeah and not everyone's looks the same no no everyone's at the same that's and that's what I mean.

28:45Rosie Ramsey:Without sounding smug. It does sound smug. Really sounds really smug. I'm happy and there we are. No, it's not. I think you're lucky, though. I think you're lucky as well. Pure luck. It is pure luck. There's no right or wrong or primal reason to it, you know. But you could say that as well because I've been in a lot of long-term relationships that didn't work out, but like... I heard that. I just did the same job but I said, I did not work off. Why do you think they didn't work out? Just weren't right for each other, I don't think but it just so happened that this one did yeah I don't know I don't know what my point is for now for now for now

29:29Rosie Ramsey:do you tap Rosie do you tap I can't tap but I did play a millionth early and I just faked it did you I know a couple of steps and I just did them over and over again and then people did dance around you you can tap I can tap yeah yeah yeah can you I find it that sounds like I brought it up because it can say I feel like you did but that's fine I find it the coolest thing dancing is the coolest thing oh fuck it's not that cool when you're nine years old and you're at school you know yeah so you went dancing when you were younger five yeah neither of ours have showed a real interest in the old dancing but they might do it's up to them isn't it so that's where you started so when you were a kid you went acting singing dancing first yeah Wow So you're a proper I've always just loved it Triple threat Don't know why I've always just loved Don't know why it is Not in my family Do you know what it is You either do or you don't Yeah It's like a drug I think But then at the same time You do a football podcast Yeah I know about football as well So It's fine Why try and put them in a box Eh What are you trying to put them in a box I tried He tapped his velvet He smashed it Kicked them in the walls With the little metal bits on his shoes But where I used to Where I used to Tap Learn tap dancing Had a massive window Yeah And the other side of the window was the local football team would train at the same time as I was learning to tap dance surrounded by girls in leotards.

30:54Gosh, like Billy Elliot. It was like Billy Elliot. But so when I got a bit older, I asked them to shut the curtains because I'd got quite hurt.

31:05Rosie Ramsey:What was it like as a straight guy in musical theatre? there um well i the thing is i did i went to i went i did i did the musicals as a kid in the national music theater and the national youth theater and then i went to drama school went to lambda and did the classical acting course for three years and then i left that then i was an actor for four or five years to varying degrees of success not massive but fine but was not happy at all wow and so i went oh god what what why am i why am i even doing this what have i wasted my whole life then i realized i wanted to be bruce forsyth i didn't didn't want to be hamlet so i went you want to do more like that's what it is yeah well i just want to do show business you know i like yeah i like show business okay i get you i meant by my question did you get all the girls um pretty popular i was gonna say because it's it is very i've you know obviously got a lot of gay male friends.

32:02Rosie Ramsey:It's very gay male heavy. Yeah. And I often, whenever there was a straight guy. Love the gays. Love the gays. Love the gays. I'm obsessed with the gays. More about the gays. But when there's a straight guy in the musical theatre world, it doesn't matter what he looks like. That guy gets attention. Yeah, well, yeah, you do get the attention. But it's... I love that when talking, she added in that it doesn't matter what he looks like. Yeah, that was a shame, wasn't it? Yeah, did that hurt? She could have left that out. That was so... I tried to let it ride, Chris. It was an implied, it was an implied even you.

32:29but I think she was negging me I think she was negging me in many ways I think that's what it is she does flirt with the guests that's what it is I know what it is I think this guy thinks he's it he can tap he can say he plays right wing for the West Brom

32:44Rosie Ramsey:he's got it all pretty popular yes Rosie honestly Chris you didn't you didn't grow up in this world I don't understand this world it's so gay male heavy which is brilliant fantastic I feel really lucky that I've got a lot of like theatre I love your mates I just got cramped reaching for a glass of water it's over so that tells you where I'm at are you alright but when when I was younger and there was a straight young guy he was he was just extremely popular because it's extremely rare it's like a unicorn a woman in a swinging situation it's called the unicorn really a single woman is it we know a lot about swinging because we get sent in stories and things and we're fascinated of course That's two very vanilla people we're fascinated by.

33:29So, yeah. Yeah, I just like doing it. Do you like just, I just like doing it. Just mainly, just doing it. Yeah.

33:36Rosie Ramsey:I'm pretty vanilla. We just think sex is good enough without. Just into doing it. Yeah. Just into doing it. I don't need that, anything. The car, you know, the ways, the main ways. It's like a car that doesn't need modified. Exactly. Doesn't need modified. I don't need the massive alloy wheels. I don't need the bump of the lights underneath. Just, just let me drive that car. We've got about four key moves. Just repeat. Yeah. Four clean moves, did you say? Key. Key moves, I was going to say. Didn't say they were clean. Okay. But that's fine. She was necking you. There it is. You've got a question.

34:07Rosie Ramsey:I'll write this a story. You've got a story. Good news. Okay. Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. I know this is what this section is called. Yes. Where we used to live, there was a small hallway with a bathroom at the end of it. prior to selling our house we decided the hallway needed plastering nice hired a plasterer online so i'd never met him until the day he came to do the job right okay always difficult situation getting trades getting trades people in yeah difficult isn't it yeah busy much like chris i generally poop in the comfort of my own home you won't you won't be outdoors or i will only shit somewhere that I'm sleeping.

34:50Oh, that's nice. Which goes against popular opinion, but there we are. However, for some reason, while this man was there and at the top of the hallway by the bathroom door, I had to go. Oh, no. I battled with just being a normal person and using the actual toilet located in my home, but my social anxiety and the thought of this poor man being right outside was too much. I couldn't do that.

35:14Rosie Ramsey:You can't be shitting there. I can't be shitting with a new plaster right outside. Shall I carry on? Maybe if I had known him, I would have excused myself to run errands and found another actual toilet for shitting in. McDonald's. Anyway. We all know that McDonald's is the good way of thinking. Well, I feel I've got a thing about shitting in McDonald's or peeing in McDonald's. I feel like I've spent over the years enough money to actually warrant just to walk in. Yeah. Every time you go through the drive-thru, I do believe you should get an invisible toilet voucher for McDonald's. What a nice idea.

35:41Yeah. What a nice idea that is. Yeah. if you listen in mcdonald's yep not just farm shops yeah in fact instead of me nandles black cod i used to have i have in fact i've got it with us it's me invisible toilet talking for mcdonald's you mean like a uh a key like um people who are disabled have or like yeah or like a radar key it's called yeah i was like i can open any of them yeah any door yeah not good yeah you can buy them online probably shouldn't got great great anyway instead i like this is where it gets odd Instead I decided to lock myself in a separate garage, squat over a large bucket of recently raked leaves and do my business.

36:25Shitting in a bucket of leaves.

36:27Rosie Ramsey:It's a bit like a euphemism. Oh, it's like shitting in a bucket of leaves.

36:35That's grim. It does sound like a phrase. It's as easy as shitting in a bucket of leaves. Yeah. Well, do people shit in a bucket of leaves? Does the porp shit in a bucket of leaves?

36:50Honestly, I can't remember how if I wiped, I must have blacked it out. Surely a handful of leaves out of the bucket before the shit. I covered the evidence with more leaves.

36:59Rosie Ramsey:What have they got leaves hanging around for? No idea. And casually emptied it all to the garden bin like I would a normal human. we had dogs so my brain reassured myself that should anything ever come of it I would blame them smells different yeah I have been on a dog walk have you got dogs? no sometimes I'll go on a dog walk and I'll need the toilet and the dog will go for a poo and I think you lucky bastard yeah but they are very different envious yeah interesting he's not going to pick mine up with a bag is he? at a low point during lockdown was picking up one of his poos with a face mask see what you thought of the lockdown did you put it back on oh my question to you both is yes would you rather shit in ear shot and smell shot if that's a thing of a poor stranger you've hired off a website there are websites for that sort of thing I think some people would love that believe them in the plaster yes or would you find an alternative place to go I don't think I could shit with someone that close How's the shitting yourself going?

38:09Because I know it's been a bit of a thing Oh yeah Do you know what?

38:12Rosie Ramsey:I've stopped eating runny eggs So she doesn't anymore So I think I had some sort of intolerance to runny eggs I was having diarrhoea about five times a week And I thought this is not good For years you know Literally for years Since I'm out Since I'm out I've had a bit of diarrhoea Alright cool Like fainting on the toilet and stuff like that Like not good I never went to the toilet Did you cut out the gluten? Because I'm gluten intolerant And that's one of the signs I did the egg thing. Sure, the eggs. Cut over any eggs. I've got to boil her eggs now to, again, not a euphemism. Boil her eggs until they're like, you know, play-doh.

38:45That's how you have your eggs now, isn't it? Very hard. Even what about a poached egg?

38:49Rosie Ramsey:I wouldn't try it. Honestly. Not even going to test it. Not even going to test it. Fried? Not fried? Not fried, honestly. I'm not going to risk it. That's how bad it was. Remember when we were around London a few months ago and I had spinach in the morning? And I was just, shit, me's all there. turns out spinach in the morning that sounds like someone said oh you're doing all right spinach in the morning look at her someone's having spinach in the morning look at her all spinach in the morning side plate of wilted spinach thank you very much just been on a golf trip with my mates yeah no word of a lie we drank so much on the nights beforehand in my golf bag for the first time ever i took each day a spare pair of underpants and i've never done that before in case you shat myself on the golf course rosie i don't think you don't understand how funny it is knocking out a massive fart when your mate's ready to take your shot.

39:36When your mate's taking up a driver. Are we pushing them out? Oh, when your mate's taking up a driver and you can just... Just great. Just great.

39:43Rosie Ramsey:But the fact that it's so grim, like that you've just done that. Well, because I thought, I'm going to suffer for my comedy here. So I took them with us. God, I don't even recognise you anymore. It's the golf trip. This was the end. It's his golf trip. It's changed. What's the answer? What would you rather do? Would you do it with the plaster outside or would you go to the buckets? Oh, I'd go... I'd honestly do it in a bucket of leaves. I don't think I could do it. I don't think I would do a bucket of leaves. Leaving a bucket of leaves around. I feel like this is what we need to do, yeah. That's not poor Puri.

40:11Don't. That is not poor Puri.

40:14Rosie Ramsey:But you're in your own health. What would you do? I've shat myself a few times. Shat myself in a wetsuit. Oh, no. How did that go? Yeah. This is when I properly discovered I was gluten intolerant. I'd had a big lunch, forgot I had a surf. lesson after me. Right, it's been into the morning. Look at him. Forget he has a surf lesson. Anyway, went to the surf lesson, hired a wetsuit, went to the surf lesson. Hired. First wave I tried to catch in. I cannot do it, by the way. It's absolutely appalling. Jumped up and untrustworthy fart and wetsuit. I genuinely lost my deposit. not the place to shit yourself in the exit or some would say the place to shit yourself because actually it's sealed up yeah it's you get it in the sea right yeah warm so how did you get rid of it i just had to squelch up back to my room and and keep it take it off and spray it down oh jesus but what would i do i just go i just go i just think people get a bit hung up about it.

41:28I think that plasterer's not going to be surprised that someone's had a shit in a toilet. It's a toilet. They're probably used to it. I've met plasterers. Yeah. I think they've had a shit.

41:37Rosie Ramsey:What? Quite a lot of plasterers have had shits. I don't know. Yeah. But my brother's plasterer and we had a massive discussion about this. He's never had a shit. He doesn't shit in the houses. Really? If he does houses, nah, he won't. He's a la-di-da. No, he doesn't does it in the van. Yeah. The thing they'll shit in the van. It's like every plasterer's got a bucket of leaves on the back of the van. Yeah. Why are they so expensive? You've got to pay for the leaves.

42:04Yeah, but good question. Good question. Good question. It's really got us thinking. Thanks so much. I would drop and flush. I would drop and flush, just by the way, just so you know. I would drop and flush. I would, you know about drop and flush. Now go on.

42:16Rosie Ramsey:Catch it in the roll. No. What? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Catch it in the roll. Catch it in the roll. Catch it in the roll. Why are you doing that in a toilet? Is that by J.D. Salinger? Catch it in the roll. That's what it is. Catch it in the roll. Very good. Very good noise. Catch it in the roll. Oh, God, yeah. Whatever it is, sorry. I did it this morning in the hotel, me and you. Catch and flush. Drop and flush. Drop and flush. At the same time. The minute it hits the toilet, flush. Oh, thank you for dropping and flushing with me. I do it in the hotel because, obviously, we've got separate bathrooms at home.

42:49And we still want to have sex. Yeah, and when we're in a hotel, I get shouted at all the time because I'm not allowed to poo in hotels. so the small one she doesn't even know I did it because I did literally plop flush why don't you do flush plop too much pressure I've done that before you want me to drop it into a torrent no too much pressure might be a new experience no I'm scared

43:10Rosie Ramsey:I've done that loads I've done it while I'm and the new ones which are hand centred are even better because you just do that while you're doing that oh very good

43:21Rosie Ramsey:this has been lovely I hope so and thank you so much thank you so much it's been lovely to see I haven't seen you for years and yeah Chris you're a lovely lovely man thank you very much you're a brilliant comedian and it's hugely warming to see your brilliant success and meet your lovely wife she's alright she is alright people are so nice to you on this it's really sweet it's weird isn't it no because you lived a life where you just thought nobody gave a shit about you for years after Edinburgh and everyone says really nice things about you so it's nice so thank you so much and I appreciate it thank you

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