Please Keep Me Anonymous with Chloe Petts

22:21Rosie Ramsey:And I just love seeing the behind the scenes of cruises. They're fascinating. I've never been on one but I find them fascinating. Obviously they are the forbidden fruit for you because you couldn't get a job on a cruise ship because you weren't tall enough. I wasn't tall enough for the costumes. I would have been. This would have been so much more relatable. But yeah, so it shows and it follows a couple of the travellers, some young, some old, some first-timers, some who've been there lots of times. I just love stuff like that. And E4 always do it really well. Channel 4 as a whole do those kind of documentaries.

22:49Rosie Ramsey:But listen more. And listen, it's not all lighthearted entertainment. ITV have The Rainmaker, which is a legal thriller. We love it. We love a courtroom. We love a courtroom drama. It's a legal thriller. It's corruption. It's all kinds going on. We've got that ready to look for. Just, you know, it can't all be shiny floors and excitement and baking cakes and dancing. No. It has to be a bit gritty in there as well. We need the drama. So we've got Struti on the BBC. We've got Big Off on Channel 4. We've got RuPaul on the BBC. We've got Cruise in Paradise on E4. and we've got ITV, The Rainmaker. Nice, ooh.

23:20Bit of everything there. Absolutely sewn up your autumn there for you. Enjoy. And remember, a TV licence covers you to watch over 400 TV channels and everything on BBC iPlayer. To find out more, go to tvl.co.uk forward slash pod.

23:34Rosie Ramsey:Happy watching. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Traditional home security only alerts you after a break-in and that's too late. SimpliSafe is changing that. Stop. This is SimpliSafe. Police are on the way. We don't just alert. We stop crime before it starts. SimpliSafe, plans starting around$1 a day. Save 50 % on your new system with professional monitoring at simplisafe.com slash Spotify or with promo code Spotify. Outdoor deterrence requires a SimpliSafe Active Guard outdoor protection plan starting at$49.99 a month. Visit simplisafe.com slash licenses for alarm license information. Tennessee 2012.

24:08Espolon tequila. Balanced. Delicious. 100 % agave. 0 % eagle. Just add ice, lime, and your mouth. For real, Margarita. Ride the rooster. Espelon tequila. 40 % alcohol by volume. 80 proof. Copyright 2026. Compel your America. New York. New York. Drink responsibly.

24:24Rosie Ramsey:Hey, it's Kelly Rowland. You may not know this, but I have eczema. So I get how it can steal your time. But why let eczema take over when you can talk to your doctor about EBCLIS? EBCLIS Lubricizumab LBKZ, a 250 milligram per two milliliter injection, is a prescription medicine used to treat adults and children 12 years of age and older who weigh at least 88 pounds or 40 kilograms with moderate to severe eczema. Also called atopic dermatitis that is not well controlled with prescription therapies used on the skin or topicals or who cannot use topical therapies. EBCLIS can be used with or without topical corticosteroids.

24:58Don't use if you are allergic to EBCLIS. Allergic reactions can occur that can be severe. Eye problems can occur. Tell your doctor if you have new or worsening eye problems. You should not receive a live vaccine when treated with EBCLIS. Before starting EBCLIS, tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection paid partnership with Lily respect your time ask your doctor about Epclus and visit epclus.com or call 1-800-Lily-RX or 1-800-545-5979 what do you do because your skin looks great as well do you wear a little makeup as well I've got a little bit makeup on now yeah um and I also did good morning Britain this morning so there's double layers of me um but I didn't start moisturizing literally until we got together and And I was like, oh, okay.

25:38Now I'll do a little under-eye serum. I'll do a moisture. You look absolutely fantastic. I hope that this happens for me as I gain further celebrity. Oh, right, okay. It's money. Did you think so? Yeah, like I said, man. But it's nowhere to spend the money. I still want nowhere to spend. Can I text you? What do you want?

25:59Rosie Ramsey:Skincare. Yes. You don't have to spend a fortune, you know. I've learned that actually. there's lower brand ones like the crazy ones are good but you don't have to be mad and what would you say you need in your skincare routine because at the moment I'm cleansed toned moisturised and that's it the holy trinity awful no it's not awful I thought I was good I was going to say that's great remember we're boys so just anything that's above a splash of water is quite good for us okay fair enough but I'm going to I think everybody should be doing this so you cleanse you don't wear makeup though do you I wear some makeup, but I wear tinted moisturiser.

26:38Okay.

26:38Rosie Ramsey:So maybe on a day if you've been doing TV or if you've had a bit more makeup on, you double cleanse. Okay. Right? I know. I'm already bored. Because actually, if you cleanse and then you kind of wipe, do a wipe over, you've still got stuff there. So double cleanse. Okay. And then you want to be getting, I use like a little face mist first to like, then I fan it so that dries. And then I do my eye cream. okay sometimes a retinol because we are getting older retinol retinol's a good one and then I'll do a vitamin C serum oh yep and then I'll do a normal serum yeah and then I'll do either er and then and then that's it really unless I've got a fat do you know what this is then I'll do I've got a neck like a neck cream it's got a roller on it so I do that I think I need a bit of that yeah and then you do a lovely really thick night moisturiser do you know what it is it's the facial skin care equivalent of you know when love actually where ron attinson's yeah he's packing up that he just wants to quickly buy the necklace for a bit on the side he's like snapping fucking cinnamon sticks it's just the work of butter moments it's that it's when you think she's finished another fucking thing comes out and she's rolling and just spraying i know do you ever put that thing on your face with the red yeah yeah i've got one of them as well actually what does that do it makes you not be able to read your phone for 20 minutes?

28:02Replace the blue light with the red light. It's terrifying. If you're in the house on your own and you've got the red light thing on, someone could come in the room and steal everything. Oh yeah, you've got the eye one. I got the eye one, yeah, it broke, but I got the eye one.

28:11Rosie Ramsey:I don't really know what it does, you know. So you just put it on? Yeah. You just went, I'll put it on and I don't know what this does? No idea what it does. Kind of? No. No. And I thought, well, they sell it in the shops. Yeah. Can't be that bad. Well, maybe. I think that's probably a decent metric to go by. Because it must have been... cigarettes it's been oh yeah oh yeah we do do you guys vape no do you vape no no do you want to start should we start vaping oh don't because I'm an ex I smoked when I was younger yeah and I loved it yeah it's good isn't it do you smoke I used to smoke yeah it's so good I got off it and well done thank you actually yeah it is hard to do especially in our industry yeah because everyone smokes i i think it was i had to like take loads of run-ups at it though to kind of like disrupt the routine of it and then it just got so what well will i be telling you my butt sis story you can tell me whatever you want butt sis butt sis i got a butt sis i love a cyst on your butt oh but sis yeah i will be telling you my butt please do i love i love spots and sits i don't think i've ever told this on a podcast before nor publicly world exclusive World exclusive.

29:26So when I was... World exclusist. Oh, very good. Thank you. See, I told you. It's a numbers game for you. You'll get something good at some point. Stop.

29:35Rosie Ramsey:This is why you're not my soulmate. If Steph was here now, she would have done an excellent pun about us. Oh, Steph would have got a round of fun. She wouldn't have done a pun. She's better than that. Right, so come on. Tell us about your sister. So, 25 years old. I'm working for... The job that I did whilst i was like trying to become a stand-up comedian was i work for a homelessness charity and i was incredibly unhealthy eating lots drinking lots smoking lots but we would i would we would have to go out and do these sort of like four hour shifts where we walk around london trying to help homeless people and then i spend like eight hours sat on my ass in the office and in the course of this sort of unhealthiness what i developed was something called a pilonidal sinus which you a pineal idol sinus you can be born with which is basically where your tail used to be in an evolutionary aspect some people can be born with like a micro hole in just above their butt my friend used to have this which probably still does unless you got it removed it was a man it was a man and it used to refill yes it's a phenomenon it's a sensation it's sweeping the nation yep yep yep yep it fills back up it fills back up you gotta remove that sack well my sack hasn't been removed because it would have been quite an invasive procedure right you're right i can't i'm so much happening but i don't want to interrupt you but just you can interrupt i didn't know it was because it was like a tail yeah because it used to be a tail and what can happen is if you're a bit inactive a bit sedentary a bit unhealthy a bit of grit yeah i'm looking at you actually gareth i'm subtweeting you gareth it was a long day ago i think it'll be gone now um gareth sorry just when i thought that this story couldn't get any more uncomfortable yeah i'm 90 percent sure you just said the word grit a bit of grit in my pile of nidal sinus

31:39you know how dogs uh drag their butt across the floor i was doing a lot of that at the time

31:48right so anyway i get a bit of grit in my pile of night of science Oh, so that's real. Yeah. Oh, no, I thought that was... What? I don't know. Just like general grit just around the place.

31:58Rosie Ramsey:Didn't you play football, though? No, I wasn't doing slide tackles and then got a big grit in my pile of nice sides. I don't get why this bit is the bit that you were struggling with. It's the word grit that I've got such upset with. Like you walk around. I mean like a bit of dust. Something. Just like a bit of like, you know, you walk around the place and there's bits of air. Yeah. There's bits of shit in the air that got right up my pile of nice. so anyway the finger point that chloe just did was aggressive right up my pilot so anyway and please please always stop for questions i don't tell this as a linear story we can go and uh oh we will the adhd i know i know where we're going back to okay good i'll say great there by the way not great great um so anyway this can be fine if you get a bit of grit in your pyelonidals however if you're like unhealthy or sedentary or something like that it can get a bit infected and then what happened was my pyelonidals sinus grit got infected oh god chris will not yeah sorry and then so then i've got this butt cyst essentially yeah so i go to the doctor and i say babe god you know is that a cyst on my butter am i you just pleased to see me and the doctor says that's that's a butt cyst yeah so the doctor didn't use the bilin on his sinus or whatever it's called they said butt cyst yeah you've got an absolute butt cyst yeah I imagine this doctor was in the same back lane where you got the grit in it but yeah so many people have turned this off they love it they love it we love it but people will get triggered by butt cysts I think the way that you get triggered by food around the mouth so are we talking about are we talking about like a cyst.

33:46So I never saw it because it was back there and I was too scared to look at it. But my mum and my best friend Jodie, the aforementioned Jodie. Saw me? Saw me, yeah. I think so, yeah. They have pictures of it. So maybe for this podcast we could release the pic. Yes. So I go away and then they say, we'll get you on some antibiotics. If it doesn't go down, then you're going to have to go to the hospital.

34:12Rosie Ramsey:I've got a question. Please. if you were my soulmate friend yeah i would have squeezed the shit out of that buttest we were we were there was i'm a big squeezer i love spots yes dr pimple popper yes yes i love dr pimple my youtube algorithm i would dread for you to see it shocking pop pop pop blackheads all day long But this was sort of one of those, like it was a mound and it needed to be cut to get it. Cheating. Yeah. I don't like it when they cut them. I don't like it when they use that little singular hole punch thing where they're just gnawing it with a circle and then they go at it. Commodone extractor.

34:51Oh, no, you're thinking of a different one. No, you're right. No, that's what it's called. Commodone extractor. Wow.

34:55Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. So anyway, I have to, long story short, I go to hospital, but I couldn't stand up. I couldn't sit down. So the way I had to get to hospital was I couldn't go like in an Uber to hospital because I couldn't sit down. so I had to go on the bus and sort of just squat on the bus. One of the worst journeys of my life. God. I go to the hospital and... Did it smell? Sorry. Sorry. How was the mood of the bus? Was it a hot day? I don't think it smelled. Were you festering the bus? But infections do smell. But I think if once you cut into it, it smells. Okay, so it didn't smell. I just need to get the full thing.

35:33Rosie Ramsey:Sorry, you're on the bus squatting. I'm on the bus squatting. I get to hospital go through the whole rigmarole of it now you'll remember we were talking about me giving up smoking and at this point I hadn't been smoking for about two weeks and every time so I eventually got put in a bed butt up couldn't lie down on the front of on my back of course and every time a nurse would come over they have to ask you what's your name what's your day to birth so they can verify that they're giving you the right treatment and then they ask like more sort of like procedural questions like do you smoke and they said do you smoke and it was all of these like incredibly beautiful nurses that will come over ask if i smoked and when i said i haven't been smoking for two weeks i go that's amazing well done wow so i'm like thinking you know i'm butt cysts start thinking they're absolutely cracking on with me my mum was there and i was like laying there like screaming like with the pain of my butt and the nurse would come over and we'd have a chat and then my mum would just go, she's nice.

36:36Mum, stop wingmaning me in the hospital.

36:39Rosie Ramsey:You're not going to meet the love of your life with a butt-sist. Not with a butt-sist. I mean, I wish, did you? Although, can I just say, the love of your life, a soulmate, will see past the butt-sist. Actually, yeah. Steph would see past you. Steph would have took me in hospital. But the, um... I would have made you squat on the bus, you fucking Judas turncoat. so the last thing i'll say well that that sort of encouraged me to give up smoking okay but the last thing i'll say is uh as i went down into uh i've probably done a few bits of television at this point and as i went down to get my butt cyst removed the last thing my mum said to me was oh i wonder if any of the doctors will recognize you so that's obviously in my head and then they give me the what is it that puts you under and it's uh they do like not casting it like the anesthetic yeah they must be bad if they put you under the worst butt cyst of my life yeah so they put me under and i like go under and then they remove the butt cyst and then as i'm like waking up i like panic because i don't know what where i am and the last thing that was in my head was i wonder if they'll recognize you and the first thing they say is chloe chloe like wake up wake up and i thought that they didn't they knew my name because they were recognizing me because i'm a stand-up comedian so i just sat bolt upright and shouted i am not a stand-up comedian

38:07and none of them knew that i was a stand-up comedian so they were all like what the fuck has happened to this person it's never done that before yeah yeah yeah yeah oh my god that's amazing yeah but that's why i quit smoking oh i'm terrified that's why you quit terrified of going on down there and I was there I've never had to do it never had to do it scared of it really yeah because I feel like am I coming back am I going to come back

38:29Rosie Ramsey:it is scary actually just just just wrap this up in a neat little ball there's still a hole there there's still a hole there how are you and you know keeping it grid free every hose a go there's people absolutely trying to get out of my pylonitis if you're getting fingered in that fucking pylonitis

38:50Rosie Ramsey:I'm bringing in social services. My party trip. You're in social services. Chloe's an adult. It's just wrong. Social services. Because it's wrong and you can't get fingered in your butt fist. If you get fingered in your pilot order or sinus, I'm calling the RSPCA. PCA.

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40:32That's shopify.com slash realm. In the U.S., there's a break in every 26 seconds. But when intruders step near, SimpliSafe Home Security steps up. Stop. This is SimpliSafe. Police are on the way. Using AI alerts, U.S.-based live agents help deter break-ins. SimpliSafe, no long-term contracts. Save 50 % on your new system with professional monitoring at simplisafe.com slash Spotify or with promo code Spotify. Outdoor deterrence requires a SimpliSafe Active Guard outdoor protection plan starting at$49.99 a month. Visit simplisafe.com slash licenses for alarm license information. Tennessee 2012. Espolon tequila.

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41:21Rosie Ramsey:2026 compel your america new york new york drink responsibly so me and rosie have both been on taskmaster loved it genuinely one of the best things i've ever done on tell you probably the best i think you probably agree yeah it's the most fun i've had on telly how did you find it i loved it it was amazing it was so funny because um i was so nervous going into it because obviously like i was coming in as the like the kind of the new person the kind of upstart i guess and i had this real sense of like everyone loves this show and i don't want to let it down and also like i'm a fan of the show i agree so i feel like a real representative of this community that love this show and everyone loves it partially because you get to think you get to think what would i do in this situation and now i have that opportunity i'm like well i don't want to let any everyone down but the genius of uh taskmaster is that the first thing the first person that you encounter is chrissy the makeup lady oh i love chrissy yeah i love chrissy shouting that woman out she's so kind and so she's gorgeous and she really looks after you during them tasks yeah yeah yeah love chrissy and i think that they deliberately make her your first port of call particularly the newer people she just knows how to look after you and she she just she she sat me down i was really nervous before my first task in in the house on my first day and she was like you are going to go in there so nervous on the first task but i promise you what happens is you'll forget about your nerves within seconds because you'll get so excited and you'll start concentrating on the task and then as soon as you come back out you'll forgot you'll have forgotten about your nerves and you'll just be like get me back in there i want to have another go brilliant and she was exactly right and that's why the show works is because it sets it up in such a way that it it stops all of that in a monologue that you would usually have in all other television going am i being funny enough can i get my joke in but someone's cut across me oh dear all of that goes out the window and you just get to be yourself yeah um so i loved it yeah and then obviously the studios are like a slightly different kettle of fish and like you have to ease it what i loved about the studios was you get to go there and see your tasks for the first time and you're so excited normally you hate watching yourself back yeah i don't know about you but i can't bear watching myself back or anything but i hate watching you too yeah but i was so excited to watch me stuff back and see how it went and then you've got all the other contestants there and you're like oh my god i get to watch how they attack and all and the beauty of seeing i remember on on my series, we had to do this one thing where we were in this massive barn.

44:03It was a singular task. It wasn't a team task. Massive barn. And there was loads of plastic cups piled up everywhere. I think I remember this. Yeah, yeah. And you had to... You were only allowed to leave the barn, go in and out the barn twice or three times. And you had to make a cup snake. The longest cup snake you could possibly make. And it was a really short time limit. And when I finally did a group task, it was just me and Ardell O 'Hanlon, who I loved Ardell for years. You know, Father Ted the lot. the first fucking words he ever said to me he literally just went I went hi mate lovely to meet you he went how long was your cup snake

44:34Rosie Ramsey:first thing he said first thing he said how long was your cup snake and Andy Devonshire and everyone and Alex all they went whoa whoa you can't discuss it you can't discuss it first thing he said you don't care you don't care you just want to know how did you I was proud of how I did that how the fuck did you do it's great I realise how thick I am though really did you know oh god do you know some of them the way I could see Alex he's such a lovely man but I could tell and some of them when he was describing it to us he was really pissed off with us really? like I was like because you just weren't getting it because I just wasn't getting it and I could tell he was like right okay and then I thought I'm annoying you because what I do though I've got a horrible trait you've got to be a fucking idiot to break Alex Horn like I know but I've got a horrible trait of like I'll just I'll go oh yeah yeah and I'm not listening at all like I'm not I'm not taking it in and so he would say yeah I've noticed that quite a few times.

45:28Rosie Ramsey:One of the things, Rosie will, if just in and out for a second, I'm so sorry. In and out. But Rosie, she's got a thing where she thinks if she asks too many times, it's rude and she's going to upset you. So she'll just pretend, yeah, I understand and be like, oh my God, I didn't understand but I didn't want to look stupid or I didn't want to upset this person. And it actually, in the long run, it upset them a lot more. Yeah. But that's great for Taskmaster. Yeah. I mean, I loved it and I love Alex. He's great. Yeah. So yeah. Right, now Chloe, You have got a story for us to read out. Please, please go for it.

45:59And do you know what? I'm quite a talented reader. Oh, good. Yeah, this is, I know why you've got me on. I feel like you said it now, though. You might fuck it up. Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. Now, I've read this. I don't know why they want to be kept anonymous. I was very proud of this.

46:17Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, and sometimes it's like I called my teacher a pig. it's the same energy as like when someone tells you a story and then they go don't put that in your stand-up and i go i won't that was the most boring thing i've ever done in my life

46:40Rosie Ramsey:i've never heard anyone actually see it before i love that so much yeah oh no i never would no I thought it was shit, actually. No, I won't. I hate you.

46:53Okay. Oh, I love it. But this is interesting. Okay. Please let that be placed on record. Okay. I was recently hanging out with my boyfriend. We were getting ready for bed when he said that something had happened to him that morning. I've got nervous about my reading now.

47:06Rosie Ramsey:Don't be. It's fine. You've got a lovely voice. You've bigged it up far too much. Really front-lauded it. Now I'm shit in the bed. We're going to be very critical. Where are you from, by the way? Kent. Nice. Why'd you ask? I just couldn't place the accent. I couldn't place the accent. My accent's gone through a few different things. So it started very Essex, then I went to a posh uni, and then it sort of settled down into this. Yeah, okay. It's lovely, I'm just asking. Thank you. Don't put that in your stand-up. Where are you from? What's your voice doing? Where's it from? Why do you sound like that?

47:42Rosie Ramsey:No, we're not going to interrupt anymore. I was recently hanging out with my boyfriend. We were getting ready for bed when he said that something had happened to him that morning. At the time, he swore he would take to his grave, but he desperately wanted to share it with me. He went on to tell me that that very morning he had gone to the toilet and he'd taken a shit. That's about shit, okay. A big one. Nothing majorly new there, but still, he felt it was worth telling me. Now, in the Netherlands, and you're going to love this, Chris. The police, not the... Not the nether regions. No. The Netherlands.

48:15The country. sorry is this because because we don't trust you every so I thought it might have been

48:24Rosie Ramsey:a little cheeky little name but they're actually in the Netherlands no they're from they live in the Netherlands okay right do you see why Alex Owen was really upset oh I thought you were doing a joke but that was a genuine question not the nether regions is it oh no that was not a joke I am not a stand-up. I am stupid. I'm not a stand-up. I'm very serious. You were doing a job. I was. Because you're a very funny boy. Thank you very much. In the Netherlands, Holland, Dutch, not the Netherlands, our toilets have a sort of shelf. Oh, for cocaine. No, I don't think so.

49:11um so i'm gonna read the rest of the story you'll understand why that's okay all right okay all right um our toilets have a sort of shelf yeah my boyfriend okay so it doesn't actually explain but what you've assumed is there's there's like a shelf on top of the toilet where you'd be doing cocaine. But I think when they mean this is a shelf in the pan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Horrible. Yeah, some of our toilets in the house are putting on the shelf. Oh, God, who? The stain collector. It's the worst. Oh, the skinny fucking runway. Imagine doing cocaine off the shelf. Off the toilet, inside the shelf. That's why it's a funny image.

49:49Yeah, inside the toilet. I can't imagine what this shelf looks like. So if you're looking at the toilet from the side.

49:54Rosie Ramsey:I don't think you're talking about our toilets. I think this specifically must have a full-on shelf. It's a duct shelf. So it goes like, from the front of the toilet here, it goes down and then along and then into the water. There's like a little bit. But why is there sort of like a holding bed? I don't know. It's terrible. If you hit that, you're at it with the toilet brush all day. It's an absolute nightmare. The turd presentation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly that. Some of our toilets have got it. And I say something because we live in the north and we've got a few toilets. Move to the north, guys.

50:22They're all outside. Oh, wow. I walked right into that one. we call them the water closet sorry I think very well of the north please let that be placed on record we get it we love it Bradford, not so sure but the rest of the north are lovely I love all of the place and I'm Bradford soon I'll see you there tickets on chrisramseycomedy.com I don't think I'm going there on tour so I uphold my opinion so my boyfriend was so shocked so the turd stops on the shelf my boyfriend was so shocked by the size of his turd that he managed to use a measuring app on his phone to figure out how big it was. Now, I don't know what that measuring app is going to look like.

51:08Is it going to be like, you know, when you see people, like those men in the street with like a tripod and then a red light. Like a quantity severe. Yeah, like a quantity severe measuring the distance of the turd. So I have used one of these measuring apps before when I didn't have

51:23Rosie Ramsey:a tape measure and I was measuring, I think, a wardrobe or a space where a wardrobe would go and they're quite reliable. I used two of them and they gave us two different, but within a couple of centimetres of each other. So how long do you think this big turd was? Is that where we're at? Is that where we're at? We're both mumbling is that where we're at, but we both want to get this right. What metric system do they have in the Netherlands? Well, they've got the metric system. I've got centimetres and I've got inches. Oh my God, we've got both. I work in centimetres. I am going to work in inches and I am going to say...

51:58Rosie Ramsey:And that's why you work together so beautifully. That's why we do it. The yinged ying. Why do you work in inches? Because I'm just going to work in inches. Why do you think? Surely you're centimetres. Why do you think? He's not going to go... He wouldn't have gone on a dating app and said it's 10 centimetres. It's 10 centimetres, yeah. I normally do millimetres because it's more numbers. Sounds good. Yeah, you can get three figures if you're lucky. Don't you slag off. I'm going to say it was... 13 inches. That's wild. That's disgusting. I'm telling you it was 13 inches. That's longer than... They've written a fucking email about it.

52:35It's not going to be a little...

52:36Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, but your actual intestines aren't that long, I don't think. Yes, they are. They literally... You can literally stretch them down the street. Or you read a fucking book. Read a book to learn that you can stretch your intestines down the street. Thank you. Okay, I'm going to... No, I'm going to say... I just cut my That's about 13 inches She's literally put 13 inches Out of her fingers No listen Almost to the fucking Shut up Shut up Get your measuring I'll see how long that was I just live by the 30 centimetre ruler That's everything I ever measure I start off with a 30 centimetre ruler Like it's cool Very good It can't be that long That's gross I'm going to say Like half of that Like Six inches No I'm going to say No 20 centimetres That's not That Oh, go fuck yourself.

53:26Okay. 28 centimetres long. Shit, the bitch. 11 inches. 11 inches. That's disgusting. That's a roulette. It's a fucking roulette. Do you think it went... Well, so it was on the shelf. Do you think it curled? That's unbelievable. The app couldn't have measured it if it curled. Come on, guys. No, the app couldn't have measured it. It's got to have been straight. How big would the shelf be?

53:45Rosie Ramsey:This is wild. What do they eat in the Netherlands? I've got close to an 11 inch before. and I bet you have as well. Have you never had one that stands up? You've got close to an 11 inch. Have you ever had one that stands up out of the water and you flush it and the water just recedes around it and comes back and doesn't move? You just think that is fantastic. You are tall. You are tall, Chloe. Chloe, you are tall. You are tall. I've got a lot of intestine to get around. So much intestine. Isn't it so great? Chloe's goes down two streets. Thank you. Thank you for saying that. My shit goes down two.

54:16Not your intestine. Have you ever had a double flush? I'm mainly looking to my bro on this one. What does that mean? A double flush. just like because it's that big well you know it's that big you go I better go I better flush halfway through just in case oh drop and flush love a drop and flush drop and flush flush another drop if I'm trying to not drop smell I'll drop and flush sorry

54:35Rosie Ramsey:no I'm trying to relate I'm not like a dainty princess with little shit like I can I can shit like the rest of them do you know what I mean I can I'll come mine are mine are quite sloppy I think I've got IBS issues I talk about it quite a lot yeah so it's been a while since I had a stretchy long one hard okay well I hope that that's in your future for you because it's very pleasurable I feel like I'm now like Parkinson or something I've got these I know tell me more about your shit yeah this is absolutely this was his main line of questioning apparently they had to cut it from all the shows and then ask about people's lives and childhoods but it was mainly he was obsessed with shit apparently well we all do it so why not talk about it I am recently world exclusive this okay oh my god I've recently found out that I've got anemia.

55:22So I've been on the iron tablets. And that's really done a number on my shits. Black.

55:27Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. Black. You're anemic. I'm anemic. I'm anemic. But everyone was like, you're going to be constipated. I was like, it's the absolute opposite for me. Really? Just absolutely shooting out black shits. Oh, my God. God almighty. There's something about you two that just makes me so lowbrow. Yeah. Thank you. Sorry. Welcome. Welcome to the absolute scum of the world. Everyone, we all do it. You're right. We all do it. We all like talking about monkey stuff. I don't know what everyone's problem is. Oh, we're seven years in. If you don't like talking about shit or hearing about shit, they left. It's the wrong podcast.

56:02Rosie Ramsey:They've gone. We've weeded out. They've gone. We've had a lot of them. The real ones are here. But we have to go. I could talk about butt cysts and shit. I could talk with you forever. Do you want to go for dinner or something? Yeah. What a lovely thing to say. Yeah. Do you know how many friends I've made off this podcast? And I'm not even joking. Name number. Steph was she one of them no just like actual almost like two friends actually it's not even that many yeah it's actually embarrassing name which ones Stevie Martin did Taskmaster over there oh I love her isn't she the best went Edinburgh Fringe love her so much Fatia who I did Taskmaster with went to the Fringe love her two friends off Taskmaster Joanne McNally came on the podcast and now we're theatre buddies who we go to shows together oh she did yeah we do we go to theatre Ask me how many friends I made from this podcast.

56:51How many? None. Got enough friends, mate. No, but that's... Made four friends when I was growing up. Lock the door. Kick the ladder down. Shut the hatch. It's really sad, isn't it? Do not try and be my mate. I love making friends, mate. I like making friends as well. Yeah, I find it very... I'm going to befriend you. Good luck. Why not me? Why him? Because you're easy. He's shitcrack. You're easy. I've wore it already, mate. Yeah, you're easy. But I'm going to befriend you. We're going to go for a pint. Footy? You like footy, don't you? He doesn't like football. Don't like football. I'm just going to keep trying.

57:20Gym. I see you in the gym. Yeah. Yeah, we'll make some joy weeks. Do you like golf? Let's golf. Do you want to play golf together? And Lego. I'll play golf with you. Shut up. You play golf. I'm not very good at it, but I'll play with you. No, I'm not playing with me then. Okay. You've got to be good.

57:32Rosie Ramsey:What can we do together? Knitting. No, I'm not girly. Oh, okay. All right, then fighting. Going out on a town and fighting. We'll get pissed. And we'll, because we're ex-smokers, we'll get really pissed and we'll have a tab together Last time I had a cigarette when I was drunk, I was just sick. Yeah. Well, hope you get a couple of butsists, you fucking dicks. We've got to go. You're allowed to come as well. You just don't want to. I'm not coming. I won't make any more friends. But you've got your four friends. I won't make any more friends. I refuse to make any more friends. I think everyone's wasting time.

58:03Rosie Ramsey:Guys, we've got to go. I don't want to fight anymore. Bye. Clarice, feel a pleasure. Thank you so much. Thank you. I've loved it. I've loved it.

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