Please Keep Me Anonymous with Chris McCausland

5:37Chris McCausland:you really do you really do speaking of tours

5:39Chris Ramsey:you are on the longest tour in the history of oh shit we started we'll start it

5:46Rosie Ramsey:oh there you go then good job I didn't tell you about that rash

5:53Chris Ramsey:no this is the podcast where you would tell us about your project actually do you know what it is

5:56Chris McCausland:because to be fair we do this so when you first come in there was a lot of people in the room fannying on oh they just snuck off but obviously like obviously the rest of our guests see them leave but obviously who do you know what I'm really sorry mate they're all there

6:09Rosie Ramsey:doing some interpretive dance they're all still here but they're all naked it's great

6:15Chris Ramsey:so no you're on your tour and it's 250

6:18Rosie Ramsey:I love the way you guys say tour tour It's lovely.

6:22Chris Ramsey:How would you say to?

6:23Rosie Ramsey:Just to, yeah. To. But to. So. As in like the past tense of ter. To. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How do you say to as in the past tense of ter? Do you say to or? No.

6:39Chris Ramsey:What's ter?

6:40Rosie Ramsey:Te. Oh, te. Come on, man.

6:42Chris Ramsey:Oh, sorry. To. Yeah, to.

6:45Chris McCausland:Yeah, but to, we can't say to. How do you say, what do you say?

6:48Rosie Ramsey:When you first got together with Chris, would you say you tore his pants off him or you tore his pants off him?

6:55Chris Ramsey:I tore his pants off.

6:56Rosie Ramsey:Or would you say he tore them off himself? I think she begged us to keep them on.

7:03Chris Ramsey:If I remember rightly, I think you left your socks on. Have we ever spoken about them?

7:07Chris McCausland:What the fuck? I swear to God. Did you, mate?

7:09Chris Ramsey:I think you did.

7:10Chris McCausland:No way.

7:11Chris Ramsey:I think you did. I've got a memory of you going to the toilet with your socks on. And I'm not even joking. We've never spoke about it.

7:16Rosie Ramsey:Well, seeing as all that first bit is in the podcast and I didn't realise we were recording one of my favourite shows from back in the 90s was Coupling Do you remember Coupling?

7:24Chris McCausland:Right, yeah, yeah, yeah

7:25Rosie Ramsey:There was a guy in it, I think he was Welsh, his name was Geoff and he was kind of like the Kramer of Coupling like a bit off his head and stuff and he used to have this, he had this bit about getting undressed in front of a lady and ending up in the sock gap the sock gap when you've got your socks on and no other clothes

7:42Chris Ramsey:It's awful, isn't it?

7:42Rosie Ramsey:Whatever you do, you've got to avoid the sock gap

7:45Chris McCausland:I've got a random memory of Coupling is there an episode where they find out that she's got a vibrator and the draw pulls out comically far and they all stare at it for a while it might have been

7:57Rosie Ramsey:it doesn't ring a bell but it's the kind of thing it was very sexual there's a brilliant episode of Coupling where this guy Jeff he's in a bar and he's terrible with women, the woman behind the bar is foreign and he has this one sided conversation with her where he finds he can finally talk to her because she doesn't know what he's saying. And the whole conversation is just him getting excited and talking to this woman who you don't know what she's saying back. And then it rewinds and it plays the conversation again, her talking in English, but him talking gibberish. And you see the other side of the conversation.

8:33Rosie Ramsey:Honestly, it's one of the best episodes of an episode of a sitcom. I don't remember that, Copland.

8:39Chris Ramsey:I do remember, I've got a very, very vague memory of Copland. It was British, wasn't it?

8:43Chris McCausland:Yeah, yeah. I remember being raunchy is the word I would use for the time. It was very good. It was raunchy. Very good.

8:49Rosie Ramsey:But yeah, I'm on tour. 360 odd dates you think you've done? By the end of it, it will be, yeah.

8:55Chris McCausland:That is absolutely mental.

8:57Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, so I did 80 at the start of 2024. And I was meant to be back out on tour in September. But, you know, I did a bit of dancing. You might have heard about it. And then what happened was I already had my January to May. 2025 leg booked in and then I had to take four months of dates and drop them over the top of them. So I did two legs in one go. Oh my God. And it was relentless and then because, you know, it strictly went very well and people wanted, you know, the dates sell out. I had matinees at four o 'clock and then they go, they said, do you want to do another one? I said, oh, go on, we'll do one o 'clock then.

9:36Rosie Ramsey:No way. I was doing one, four and eight.

9:39Chris Ramsey:Stop. No, you didn't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it a pant or a run?

9:43Rosie Ramsey:Jesus Christ. Do you know what? I have never heard of one, four and eight. That is nuts. One, four and eight. And I'll tell you what, it sounds easy when you're doing eight hours dancing a day. When somebody says, do you want to do one, four and eight? And you go, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's not this. This is really hard. And then you get to it and you realise it's a different type of tired. It's, you know. And so I had to say to them, so I've actually got a legacy one, four, eight still in the diary that was booked a while ago coming up. Where's that? Fairham. Fairham. Fairham Arts Centre.

10:18It's like, yeah, it's Fairham Live, it's called.

10:21Rosie Ramsey:I know exactly what you mean. But I've had to say to them, let's just stick to the two because it's mentally... You want to enjoy what you're doing, do you know what I mean?

10:30Chris Ramsey:Yeah, that is a lot.

10:31Chris McCausland:I get sick of myself, you know. I get sick of myself. And when I'm there, so I've got a couple of matinees coming up on the tour.

10:37Rosie Ramsey:and I

10:38Chris McCausland:by the halfway through the second show I feel like they've heard it twice yeah like I'm like you're so fucking sick aren't you and it's like no this is the first time we're seeing it and I feel like I'm not giving them as much so I'm really gonna have to have a word with myself and really go for it

10:52Rosie Ramsey:yeah so the matinees are fine because I'd be doing nothing else do you know what I mean so like I quite enjoy the matinees but I do get aware that like you want to create the illusion of spontaneity and you want to create the illusion that this is just for them yeah And they know that you're doing other dates. They know that you've got a tour booked in. But when there's more than one on the same day, I become very aware that they are aware that they're not my only audience that day. And I'm sorry. Do you know what I mean? They know I've said all this shit earlier today. I totally know what you mean.

11:26Rosie Ramsey:You lose the spontaneity. The illusion of spontaneity goes out the window. Yeah.

11:31Chris Ramsey:From my point of view. If I was at that eight o 'clock show, I'd go, he's not getting him.

11:36Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. he's said always before oh look at him pretending to think of this for the second time today

11:40Chris McCausland:look at him giggling his way through this like he hasn't said 360 fucking times the insincere prick yeah yeah yeah

11:47Chris Ramsey:oh look at him

11:48Chris McCausland:crying at the loss of his hamster

11:51Chris Ramsey:again mate I wanted to ask you

11:52Chris McCausland:right because I've never properly had a chance to speak to you about Strictly because we were on Sunday brunch together and that was really the only time I've seen you since then and that shows nuts it's just you're better oh my god you better get a time to breathe but how did you feel on a Monday so for me on Strictly you would do the Saturday and sometimes it would go well I mean it went a lot better for you than it did for me but sometimes it would go well I would enjoy it I would like I've got that Monday forget everything you've done

12:21Rosie Ramsey:here's a completely different one

12:23Chris McCausland:it's fucking soul destroying

12:25Rosie Ramsey:it's do you know what it's and there's quite a few of the Sundays you don't really get off as well because it's extra crap yeah yeah or you've got to go into L Street on the Sunday evening because you need to train in L Street on the Monday because you've got It Takes Two or something like that. So it is really, really relentless and you do have to start from scratch. But the thing I found as well is that like because I wasn't watching anybody else, I had no idea what any of these dances were. So like everybody else would watch everybody else and get a good idea that like, oh, that's what a Charleston is.

13:04Rosie Ramsey:that's what a good one is oh she did really well in the Charleston so that's what I kind of need to do until if I'm Monday die would have to start from scratch for me I'm so impressed and I've never thought of that explaining what a Charleston was the artist one was because they all borrow from each other in ways you know like the Foxtrot it borrows from you know the American Smooth borrows from the Foxtrot and so on and some of the Latin share different things the Paso Doble was almost like its own thing yeah and like we were still on Wednesday evening you get four days to learn these dances.

13:35Rosie Ramsey:We were still on Wednesday evening and I was saying to Dad, are you sure you know what a Paso Doble is? Because this does not feel like anything that anybody would ever do for fun. This does not feel natural in any, the posture.

13:51Chris McCausland:Yeah, it's that horrible arching with the hands down. Leaning yourself back

13:55Rosie Ramsey:and being really angry and getting your legs stiff. And I was like, this is like some kind of amateur dramatics kind of reenactment.

14:03Chris McCausland:Yeah, yeah. So I'll tell you what I remember. I did all right on me Paso Doble. I remember getting a... Craig enjoyed me Paso Doble, which I was very surprised of. And I think it was because in the other ones, in the other dancers, I had to hide on me face how pissed off I was. Yeah. But I could show it in the Paso Doble. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were like, look mean. I was like, oh, look mean. I'm fucking raging. I'm sick of this shit. It's not really well.

14:26Rosie Ramsey:I had a belter of a tango and a Paso Doble.

14:30Chris Ramsey:Did you enjoy the full process of it?

14:32Rosie Ramsey:Do you know what? Yeah, it was... it was overall, it was remarkable. I think it's the most remarkable thing I've been a part of in terms of that many people working towards the same thing, like the machine that it is, all the different people with all their roles that how, I mean, how they listen, I'm talking romantically about something I didn't give a shit about before I did it. Do you know what I mean? Like it wasn't on my radar at all. Didn't care. And then, but, but for what it is on live TV, the way that they make that work without mistakes, you know, getting the sets on and off. Yeah. It is, it's staggering.

15:09Rosie Ramsey:A lot goes into it, isn't it? Yeah. And, you know, when you bring people along to watch the show who are big fans of it, you know, family and friends, and they say to watch what goes on in between the dances is mesmerising. To see the guys who work, they're bringing the sets off and on and getting it, almost like a pit lane, you know what I mean? You've got 90 seconds, go, go, go. It's nuts. It is bananas. And it was remarkable to be a part of. Most exhausting, tiring, draining, physically demanding thing, emotionally terrifying thing I've ever done. But yeah, it was remarkable. And the most proud of anything I've ever been, you know, in terms of because it was so far out of my comfort zone.

15:49Rosie Ramsey:Like it was everything we do in comedies, a step on from what we've done, you know, it's all within our wheelhouse, even if we're stretching ourselves. Whereas that might as well be in the moon. You know? is there any other shows you would like to do um you know no i mean good would you do the jungle i well listen i said i said no to strictly several times yeah really yeah yeah i mean they asked me they asked me quite a few times and i kept on saying no and they everybody everybody wore me down around me you know and um and i'm glad they did you know but but i didn't think it was possible I didn't think it would be possible and so there's no point in me doing it if I don't come out of it looking like somebody like myself can do it because if I fail and go out of it in two weeks it does nobody any good so I kept on saying no so would I do the jungle?

16:40Rosie Ramsey:No but you know in three years time I could be chewing on a kangaroo cock

16:48Chris Ramsey:your last might want to go to Australia

16:50Rosie Ramsey:yeah I mean all Strictly's proved that I got no willpower whatsoever

16:56Chris Ramsey:When you want your spring break to feel like and your kids pool day to feel like and your hotel bed to feel like and room service to feel like because at Hilton hospitality feels like

17:16Chris McCausland:your cabana's ready. Would you like fresh towels?

17:18Chris Ramsey:It matters where you stay. Book now at Hilton.com. Hilton, for this day.

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18:21Rosie Ramsey:I am so I don't think I could do this I would either be the worst person that's ever been on it or they keep me on it for the giggles because I don't think I could eat the things that you have to eat yeah I can't get them in my mouth like psychologically I can't eat seafood really I can't like eat things I can just about manage the prawns that have been de-edited and stuff like that but like I can't do things because in my head they look worse than probably what they do and psychologically anything in a piece of meat I'm good with but like things that have got heads on and arms and like look like they did when they were alive I understand struggled to get it over the threshold see but I love

19:01Chris Ramsey:all of that though I literally I suck prone heads in that like that's you know

19:07Rosie Ramsey:and we're back to how you met Chris

19:14I knew it

19:15Chris McCausland:I looked at him I was like Oh, Bozy Man, what are you doing saying that? Why do I do this? Why do I do this?

19:21Chris Ramsey:But no, so I love all that shit, but I couldn't eat the stuff in there. Absolutely not. Is it true you didn't, you love pizza,

19:27Rosie Ramsey:but you didn't eat it until you were like 20? I didn't, mate, no. I mean, like, growing up in Liverpool in the 80s, I mean, I'm not saying like, but just the difference between being a child now and being a child in the 80s in terms of restaurants. We didn't go to restaurants. No, we talk about this all the time.

19:46Chris Ramsey:We always moan at the kids when they won't sit still in a restaurant. But we used to go for like New Year's Eve, maybe go out for a meal. Like me Nana's 70th all went for dinner. That's the only times I can remember being in a restaurant as a kid.

20:02Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, me and my family, whenever we got food, we'd be the chippy. You got the chippy, you know. And so pizza was never something we got as takeaway. And then when I went to uni, that's when you start kind of eating out a lot more. And I avoided it because I didn't like cheese. I didn't like cold, hard blocks of cheese. Me neither. And then I was a starving student. I reluctantly ate a piece of, it was a 99p Sainsbury's cook in the oven job. And I'm just glad I started there because I think like. All he weighs up. Yeah, absolutely. I had a whole world of pizza. It blew my mind. I was like oh my god this has changed my life I went out honestly I went out the next day about 10 of them put them in the freezer shut up man

20:47Chris Ramsey:this is me sorting

20:49Rosie Ramsey:for the next 10 days you

20:51Chris Ramsey:my Chris loves pizza

20:53Chris McCausland:I love pizza so much I love pizza mate yeah made it to the point where if I see it on the telly not even that the kids had a little wooden pizza like game thing with a velcro you had velcro the bits together Yeah, yeah. Even playing with that on the morning, I'll be like, well, I've got to have a pizza tonight then because I've got the craving now. In fact, I'm having one tonight because we've just been talking about it now. I have to have one tonight now. How old are you now, mate? How old are you now? I'm 39.

21:20Rosie Ramsey:39, you see. And how often are you eating pizza? Oh, at least twice a week.

21:25Chris Ramsey:Yeah, but nowhere near as much as you used to, actually. I used to have them all the time.

21:27Rosie Ramsey:So twice a week. I mean, it's going to have to start coming down, mate. Yeah. Yeah, I think. You start having to make decisions. I mean, now I look at, when I'm ordering a pizza and I look at it and I go like, and you see all these stuffed crust things with pepperoni, pepperoni in the crust. And you go, I mean, like this, this is a young man's game, this isn't it?

21:47Chris Ramsey:It's your full daily allowance right there.

21:49Rosie Ramsey:I mean, I'm not making the end of the tour if I have that. Yeah, I'm going to need Gaviscon in the crust as well.

21:57Chris Ramsey:It's sad, isn't it? It's sad what we have to do now.

22:00Rosie Ramsey:How old were you when you lost your eyesight? So, I mean, I've had it since birth, but it deteriorated over 25 years. Right. So, yeah, so, you know, it was a, I kind of, you know, got on well for the first 10 years. It was frustrating and a struggle for the second 10. And then I was pretending I could see when I couldn't really see anything for the last five.

22:22Chris McCausland:Wow.

22:22Rosie Ramsey:So, yeah, I was a...

22:24Chris McCausland:I think my question is, and I think you know what my question's going to be, could you see that first pizza when you ate that first pizza?

22:31Rosie Ramsey:Could I see that when I ate that first pizza? I was in that last kind of five years, so I was on the cusp of it. And, you know, I'd say a 99-piece Sainsbury's cooking the oven job, it looks pretty good when it's blurry.

22:52Rosie Ramsey:I didn't know what you were going with that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just take the focus out a little bit, yeah. Oh, God, I bet you look like a Frank O'Manke, did it? yeah yeah yeah adds a bit of depth to the cheese I love that

23:09Chris Ramsey:are you enjoying the tour even though it's lasting your whole entire existence of life do you love it

23:14Rosie Ramsey:do you know what like does me head in a little bit and I get it a little bit people see comedy as being different to other forms of entertainment people say to me oh just do the same show every night well I mean first of all you mix it up you drop things out you stick things in you change it round you have a play but it's a show you write a show you go and do the show a lot of the chunks are the same from the beginning. But you don't say that, I'm not comparing myself, I'm not saying I'm the Rolling Stones of comedy, but you don't say that about bands who've been playing the same songs for decades.

23:42Rosie Ramsey:You know what I mean? Yeah, no, uh-huh. They play the same songs. Oh boy, you're just playing the same songs that you've been playing since 1968. Comedy's seen as different. And we bin our tours off at the end of them and then write a new one. Of course. And we never do that again, yeah. But even just through a tour, People find it amazing that we are saying the same things that we have written that are funny. Whereas, you know, in a way, it's a kind of play, isn't it? Of course. Yeah. You know, people go and do, they learn a play. They do a play for whatever. Yeah. So I love it. It's, I do less shows, whatever, however many that is, 360 tour shows since the beginning of 2024.

24:25Rosie Ramsey:It's still less than I would have been doing in clubs. You're totally right. When you're doing clubs to pay the bills, you know, you're doing. I mean, in London, you can do three, four, five a night and you can move around between the clubs and you're doing a lot. So it's what you work towards, isn't it?

24:42Chris McCausland:I completely agree because why would you drop that routine, yonks, the tour is called yonks. Why would you drop some stuff out with yonks and then put a big one? Because then you're going to have, when you do the next tour, you've got to do all of it again and then you've wasted half of it on, you know, the first 175 dates won't have seen the new stuff. So then they come again and then you've got a horrible mix where you're going to have to bin everything and go again, yeah? Absolutely.

25:07Rosie Ramsey:That's what Eddie Izzard used to do. And I think he got into a bit of trouble, didn't he, at some point for starting his new tour off, which was the end of the last tour and then people seeing the same thing. And he was like, that's how I've always worked is I can organically, you know, move it into the next one. But what will happen? I mean, it probably happens with yourself is let's just say you've got an hour and a half of material, a chunk that was five minutes over that tour will grow to be 15. Yes. Because you'll embellish it and you'll find the funny in it. Yeah. And then suddenly you've got 10 minutes too much.

25:36Rosie Ramsey:So you'll end up dropping a bit out that was 10 minutes. You'll do that. And then, you know, as that, as another bit grows, you'll go, oh, I'll drop that 15 minute bit out and I'll stick that bit back in. Yeah. And you can kind of play around with it, but you're not sticking, you're not writing brand new chunks and putting them in. You're putting them in your pocket for the next tour. Yeah. But everything grows and everything.

25:54Chris McCausland:I feel like, I feel like tour expands and then it shrinks back down to it. It goes like critical mass passed and then it goes back down to where it should be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think an hour and 10, I'm normally happy with an hour and 10. So my support act does sort of 25 minutes interval. I'll do an hour and 10, then I'm gone. Yeah.

26:08Rosie Ramsey:So I started the tour with that and now I'm doing it without the support. And yeah, but it's how it works. So I've done the first bit. I've expanded it. Nice. I'm not really shrunk it back down.

26:23Chris Ramsey:It must be tricky though, comics, because like you say with musicians, they do do the same stuff. and any musicians listening, not that they're going to be, but if you're doing a concert, don't do your new stuff. Because nobody wants to do your old stuff. Do you know what? I always said this,

26:37Rosie Ramsey:musicians have got it easy because they just do all that. And I'm a child of the 90s grunge scene. I went to watch Chris Cornell doing a solo gig at Scarlet. Chris Cornell's the lead singer of Soundgarden. I went to watch him do a solo show and he played the entire new album from start to finish and I was fucking furious. Seriously.

26:58Chris Ramsey:Seriously.

26:59Rosie Ramsey:Oh, yeah, yeah. And it was literally the worst album he's ever made.

27:04Chris Ramsey:He's a rock musician.

27:05Rosie Ramsey:He made it with Timberland, the electronic dance producer. Oh, wow. Anyway, sorry, go on.

27:11Chris Ramsey:No, and I'm totally in the minority. I went to see Beyonce and I was so excited. I'd never seen her in concert. And it was the Sasha Fierce. And I hadn't listened to Sasha Fierce. Stupidly, I hadn't really got into the Sasha Fierce album. And it's all she did. And I was just like, what is she doing single, ladies? and she did at the end actually she pulled it back but I was like I'd come for like thought she might have done a bit of Destiny's Child really old school yeah

27:35Chris McCausland:I can't imagine that I do I think comics do get jealous of musicians because you go everyone knows the fucking words to this I would never get away with that I've always said comedy's like a scratch card it's like done done you come and see me routine you've heard it it's done I don't think people want to hear it again

27:53Rosie Ramsey:I feel the same way mate there's a couple of like there's a couple of things where you I think there's a few bits of material that I've seen people do that have almost been done like a where the audience have reveled in the fact that they've heard them I think Mickey's Out Out Bit is one of them Mickey's Out Out Bit where people have requested it and just enjoyed sitting through it again yeah Kev Bridges used to have a bit about his bit on the telly that he did about somebody seeing him at a bus stop oh you fart boy yeah yeah yeah and I've seen people request that and him do that and people revel in it.

28:26Rosie Ramsey:Wow. And probably like Eddie Izzard's, you know, Star Wars Death, Star Wars Death's Canteen. Yeah, there's one more.

28:33Chris McCausland:There's one more actually. There's one more that I know you'll have seen and I know you'll know. Tom Stade's meat van bit. Oh yeah,

28:39Rosie Ramsey:yeah, yeah. The meat van bit. I don't know that. God,

28:42Chris McCausland:it's so good because this Canadian does this bit about, I don't want to do it, but he does this bit about, but when you, something about you people when a guy's selling meat in a van, you lose your fucking minds. It's so good. it's such a good bit

28:56Rosie Ramsey:yeah and I don't think I mean I think I've written a solid show but I don't think I've ever written a bit that falls into that kind of you know that people want to request I've got one I've got one bit

29:07Chris McCausland:that people have requested before and I've never done it because I go well you know it but it was I did it on Russell I Was Good News it was me the curry challenge bit

29:16Chris Ramsey:the yoghurt

29:17Chris McCausland:there was the yoghurt get the yoghurt there was a curry challenge story and I did and people go will you do that and I go no I can't remember it yeah

29:25Rosie Ramsey:it feels weird doesn't it to then go into something that feels spontaneous after you've been requested to do it you know there's a juxtaposition in what we pretend we're doing yeah doing it on request yeah

29:38Chris McCausland:because you go I'm trying to tell you something that looks like it's off the cuff here

29:41Rosie Ramsey:it's a little bit like you guys will know this but if you have an argument right and then Rosie you tell Chris what he said wrong and how he should have said it oh yeah yeah let me wife do this like you should have said this so why didn't you say that well go on then and you go well I can't say it now can I because because I'm just saying what you've told me to say I'll try and remember next time but I'm not doing it now

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31:02Rosie Ramsey:Trying to get sent back to prison today?

31:03Chris Ramsey:You go to prison one time and suddenly it's all the jokes.

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31:15Rosie Ramsey:How long have you been married? oh oh god oh 13 years 13 years

31:23Chris Ramsey:oh wait that's the same as us yeah

31:25Rosie Ramsey:I always remember it when was the Olympics 2012 oh no then no no we got together 2012

31:32Chris McCausland:well we got married 2014

31:33Chris Ramsey:so how long have you married 10 years what year is it come on come on come on

31:39Chris McCausland:no no just let her do it she has to she has to get good at this come on she has to get good at knowing what you are 2014, add 10. 2014, add 10.

31:49Chris Ramsey:Take away two.

31:50Chris McCausland:No, no, no.

31:51Chris Ramsey:Add two. There it is. Right, okay, so how long, what did you say?

31:54Chris McCausland:Holy shit, mate, this isn't a joke. 12. There it is.

31:58Chris Ramsey:12 years.

31:58Chris McCausland:12 years.

31:59Chris Ramsey:Fuck me. Do you know what it is?

32:01Chris McCausland:Jesus.

32:02Chris Ramsey:Maths was never me strong point. Oh my God, my 10-year-old's getting maths homework at the minute, Chris, and it's literally the worst thing I've ever seen in my entire life. Fractions?

32:11Rosie Ramsey:Yeah.

32:12Chris Ramsey:What the fuck? And you know, what's three ninths?

32:15Rosie Ramsey:Three. Yes. back to the pizza cut it into nine and have three of them

32:22Chris Ramsey:come on it is okay come on was it

32:24Rosie Ramsey:yeah three nines that's one third yeah I mean this is this is why you know people say that smoking weed doesn't cause doesn't do any good in life but really good on eighths yeah really really eighths quarters sixteenths yeah it is absolutely knock them out of the park

32:46Chris Ramsey:ounces ounces yeah

32:48Rosie Ramsey:28 grams to an ounce

32:50Chris Ramsey:really? 3.5 grams to an ounce stop you've got a question from the public how are you doing it? what are you going to do? I'll tell you what

33:02Rosie Ramsey:do you want me to read it? or do you want my phone to read it? oh you're getting the earpods up should I read it? or do you want me to read it? however you want to do it it's totally up to you I'll read it so I'm going to sit my earphone in and then so you're going to listen You can edit this bit out and then I'll just stare at my phone and it'll look like I can see. Right.

33:25Rosie Ramsey:Okay, let me just... I'm pretending to read. No, you can just edit this bit in now and I'll just go, okay, I need to be able to see for this bit. So, okay. Right, here we go. That's what I have to do. I only get five minutes a day, so let's crack on.

33:40Chris Ramsey:I'm dying. I'm dying. I can't believe you're using your five minutes for us Five minutes a day Chris were honoured

33:47Rosie Ramsey:Chris were honoured He's going to miss a fucking bus later for this Oh god I'll be pissing on the bathroom floor later because of this

33:59Rosie Ramsey:Right Dear Chris and Rosie That's I don't know if that's me and Rosie Or you and Rosie Maybe it's me and Rosie Listen

34:08Chris Ramsey:You're here today it's you

34:10Rosie Ramsey:Please keep me anonymous years ago I attended my local GP surgery as I needed a part of my body removing Jesus oh god okay the procedure was carried out and then something popped into my mind do you have any sound effects? I'll do one bam bam bam I'll say I was going to go boing boing boing I said to the GP can I um he's written in a little thinking noise there can I um I said to the GP can I keep that meaning the item that he just removed from my body yes he said looking at me in a puzzled way what's a puzzled way looking at me in a puzzled way fast forward a few weeks later my brother who's living up north I like the unnecessary detail here my brother who's living up north received a handwritten letter from my good self I'll give you a clue he's not a good self right yeah receives a handwritten letter from my good self which he picks up just as he's leaving for work okay he gets in his friend's car and there they are travelling down the coastal road when he opens said letter the letter starts with you may be wondering why I've sellotaped my to this letter What was it that I decided, quite out of the blue, to send my brother through the Royal Mail?

35:45Chris Ramsey:Oh, he sent this body part that he's had cut off to his brother. Brilliant, by the way.

35:51Chris McCausland:Yeah, great.

35:52Chris Ramsey:Oh, what he had cut off.

35:53Chris McCausland:I think I know what it is. Is it foreskin? I'm going foreskin, but I don't know why he's old enough. I don't know why he's getting it done so later in life.

36:00Chris Ramsey:No, I don't think it's his foreskin.

36:04Rosie Ramsey:No.

36:04Chris Ramsey:We would have heard about the problem, wouldn't we?

36:06Chris McCausland:No, I don't know.

36:07Rosie Ramsey:I think it was foreskin as well. you wouldn't just sellotape it to the top of the... You'd use it as the O in hello. I was going to say, I was going to say, you'd put it through it like a scroll.

36:18Chris Ramsey:Oh, no. Oh, my God. You'd roll it up like a scroll

36:22Chris McCausland:that you'd put it through so it looked like someone hand delivering something in Game of Thrones. Oh, God.

36:27Chris Ramsey:Oh. I don't know. Oh, what he had taken off? Okay. Like an yellow? Oh, Rosie. It might not be that sinister. What's the deal here?

36:36Rosie Ramsey:You don't see these at all? No. No, we've got no idea.

36:40Chris McCausland:Is it something that is grown and shouldn't have been there or is it a thing that is normally there and should stay there? Both. Fucking hell, Chris.

36:50Chris Ramsey:Is it a tooth?

36:52Rosie Ramsey:It's something that is always there and should be there but has taken on a mind of its own and done something it shouldn't have done. Oh, God. Oh, my God.

37:04Chris Ramsey:It might be a toenail. No.

37:07Chris McCausland:What, an ingrown toenail?

37:08Chris Ramsey:Maybe. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'd be so upset if somebody sent me the fucking toenail.

37:12Rosie Ramsey:No, Chris, we don't know. You're going to have to tell her. We don't know. Come on. You're going to have to tell her. Well, I think you should, with some confidence, announce what you just announced there, Rosie, as your final answer.

37:22Chris Ramsey:It's a toenail.

37:23Rosie Ramsey:It's an ingrowing toenail. Oh, my God. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Absolutely lifting.

37:28Chris Ramsey:And he sent it to his brother. Why would that be your first thought?

37:32Rosie Ramsey:So it says, I attended the GP to have my ingrowing large toenail removed. That's a big one. He put it in a test tube and I sent it to my... I asked him if I could have it. He stuck it in a test tube. I sent it to my brother. I didn't even clean it. I just sent it to him. Oh, you filthy... Doesn't he clean in? Oh, well, they've got like dry blood on that, haven't they? Because if you're getting it removed, it's been digging into the... I don't get why he'd send that. I'd like, what's the... Why would he send... What does the rest of the letter say? Is that it? That's it, that's it. Do you have brothers, Chris?

38:00Rosie Ramsey:I mean, I don't know why he's like opening it down the coastal road. There's a lot of detail in here, isn't there? Oh, his brother threw it out the window as well, by the way. Oh, on the course road trip. Seagulls picked that up.

38:10Chris McCausland:Seagulls picked that up and tried to eat that. I thought it was an old chip.

38:13Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, so it means there's an ingrown toenail floating around there, attached to a piece of paper with his address on it.

38:21Rosie Ramsey:Do you have brothers and sisters, Chris? I've got a sister, yeah.

38:24Chris Ramsey:Would you ever send her an ingrown toenail?

38:27Rosie Ramsey:No, no, no. No, no, no. We have a very different relationship than that. She'd tell me to fuck off. she wouldn't speak to me again. Yeah, no, no, no. That's a bit of a weird thing, isn't it? Not nice at all. I thought there was going to be some logic to it.

38:46Chris McCausland:No, he's just winding his sibling up, isn't he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, I'm an only child, so I get that even less. Oh, I get it.

38:52Chris Ramsey:I mean...

38:52Chris McCausland:You've got brothers and sisters, Rose?

38:54Chris Ramsey:I've got a brother and a sister.

38:56Rosie Ramsey:Yeah.

38:56Chris Ramsey:And we've got two boys, and they haven't done it yet, but me and my brother and sister used to prank each other.

39:02Rosie Ramsey:Yeah.

39:02Chris Ramsey:All the time. like to the point of I drank more vinegar in my drinks like in my juices than I can't even remember like salt laced with salt like you couldn't leave the room you couldn't leave the room it wasn't safe I lived with a lot of anxiety as a kid of like what are they going to do when I'm out the room like you know to the point so our youngest Rafe carries the remote control around the house for the bride

39:26Chris McCausland:he takes it to the toilet that man

39:27Chris Ramsey:he takes it to the toilet with him because his brother will have the remote and change the channel so he just takes it everywhere but I used to be like that with my drinks as a kid

39:36Rosie Ramsey:because they would just

39:36Chris Ramsey:sabotage them it's great though

39:38Rosie Ramsey:my daughter's 12 she I mean you said growing up with a dad who's blind she must adjust and like learn to like you know operate in a household where like her father's blind and she must be really healthy she takes the piss she's always hiding and jumping out of me and frightening me really honestly we've got I was coming on one day and I was put up with the key in the door and she She stood, as soon as I twisted it to open it, she, rah, like that. I jumped so much, I bent me key in half. And I've kept this Yale key. It's literally bent on a 90 degree angle from how much she frightened me. That is fantastic.

40:19Rosie Ramsey:And I've had to say to her, listen, you are going to kill me. I'm getting to the age now where you are going to give me a heart attack. It's fantastic. This is totally different. It's like lazy, lazy hiding because she doesn't really need to hide. She just needs to be quiet. Lazy.

40:41Chris Ramsey:Freak your man when he's starting to take some fucking skill. Guys, we've got to go. We've got to wrap this up.

40:48Chris McCausland:Chris, absolute joy. We started together years ago. We gigged on the circle at the same time and it's just a pleasure to see how well you're doing.

40:56Rosie Ramsey:I'll tell you what as well, while we're here, if anyone wants to read my book, it came out at the end of last year don't you worry about that

41:03Chris McCausland:mate we're going to give it a big plug at the beginning I'm going to do it now

41:06Rosie Ramsey:just in case you don't mate I don't trust you it's called Keep Laughing it's available at all good retailers and some of the shit ones it's on Audible and I read it myself better than I read the message

41:18Chris Ramsey:thank you Chris cheers guys nice one thank you oh that was absolutely classic