Please Keep Me Anonymous with Daniel Sloss

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0:45Hello, you are listening to and maybe even watching Shag Married Annoyed. Please keep me anonymous.

0:51Rosie Ramsey:This week we are joined by wonderful comedian Daniel Sloss. Chris has known him for years. They talk about the past. It's lovely. Rosie enjoys it a lot more than she implied in her tone there. No, honestly. It's just great. As if this is our job. It's crazy, isn't it? We're so lucky. It's like a little stroll down memory lane with so many of the people we get on here. And if you're not familiar with Daniel Sloss, he's got two shows on Netflix under the title Daniel Sloss Live Shows two amazing shows and he's going on tour isn't he? He is going on tour with his show called Bitter for tickets visit danielslos.com and he's going on a global tour for all of our listeners and watchers from around the world he's going hang on where's he going Iceland Australia New Zealand Singapore the United States of America Germany Switzerland and more where else?

1:35Is there more? What the fuck? That's all I'm sure that's every country I was happy to name them all

1:38Rosie Ramsey:I could have put them on It must be it'd be a long old podcast if we did that please continue to like, rate and subscribe if you're watching on YouTube it'd be amazing if you subscribe we'd really appreciate that and also, most importantly, enjoy We had a fight about the jingle We couldn't settle on a jingle So this is the jingle We hope you like the jingle

2:08We run away and cry when there's violence

2:11Rosie Ramsey:In cases are starting now, we're just talking about people being hard. But I actually love that you said hard because that took me back massively to our youth when you would actually, do you still say that? Do you still say, oh, he's really hard? He's hard as nails. He's the hardest in year nine.

2:30Or if somebody was mental back in the day, mental meant hard as well.

2:34Rosie Ramsey:There was a guy in my year who was like really tall and so lovely. but like all the lads would be like he's hard as fuck I know exactly what you mean he's a gentle very well spoken lad and I remember hearing that he was hard as fuck and being like really? because he is lovely yeah yeah yeah but they'd be like no he's hard as fuck he once got robbed and then he fucking he beat them up no no no I know that story this is a true story I know that's a different person I think no it was the same one it was a back lane someone tried to rob him yes I'm sorry did you just go to the same school? no we went to the same college and we literally grew up in the same place we met the first time when we were like 30 you know something I remember this story I remember you telling me this story so we're from we're from South Shield and we grew up our schools were like 10 minutes walking distance from each other and we're in the same year at school so we know like all the same people we kind of orbited each other for years but the guy we're talking about didn't you someone attacked him someone tried to mug him and attacked him and he ended up getting the better of them and then taking them to hospital he took them to hospital and dropped them off at A &E he's like the nicest man yeah yeah I love that if you beat somebody up but like you're nice about when you have to like when I talk about Kai only ever beats up people who needs to be beaten up he's only ever knocked out people who were being a problem for other people this is Kai who supports you on tour who I've known for years as well from when I first started he's a comedian, he's from the North East he's a lovely heart of gold Kai heart of gold also you know, scum hey you're talking to scum I know but you're scum who worked your way out I've seen your house he's so Oh, that's unpleasant.

4:06Kai will love you, mate. We'll love you.

4:08Rosie Ramsey:I don't know him. If he's scum, I'll take that. Scum. I'll keep it with you. He once ran. Did you ever do his... Why'd I forget about this? Kai once ran comedian's charity boxing nights in a social club in Cramlington. I've never met him. I don't think... Genuinely, have I met him? No, but you've talked about... Maybe in passing. When you've talked about you guys. Yeah. So basically what's happening, we're getting loads of people on this podcast and Chris just knows everyone from years ago, like the same as yourself. So I've heard so many of the stories and I have heard about the boxing. I think that's why I feel like...

4:39All of them did because comedians are such fucking nerds and we're such nerds and we'd love to be the hard guy but none of them we are. I was in Jiu-Jitsu now and I think I'm hard as fuck. I'm not. I will run from any bother. But when all these comedians got a chance to do charity boxing in a social club, they were all like, yeah. So many of them. Adam Rowe did it. So many comedians did it. And they did it to raise... It was for a good cause. It was to raise money for a kid called Cian who had neuroplastoma. with this like uncurable brain thing and like getting him out to America was going to cost millions that they obviously couldn't afford going up there.

5:12And Kai and his brother just chose to take it upon themselves to raise the money. And they raised so much money and so much like publicity from the charity boxing. They didn't make their goal, but Simon Cowell found out about it. Paid for Kian to go over, fully cured Kian in his life. And that today, all granted, like the most miraculous story, like beat the odds. Stop. Kai, after all this, this is beautiful. Kai's got a special about it, right, which he filmed in some working man's club in Newcastle where he's talking about saving this kid's life and doing all this, and he's never met Cian. And at the end of that show, they brought Cian out in a...

5:48I could cry. Oh, man, the video, I was in the room. We all sobbed.

5:52Rosie Ramsey:Wow. Kai had no idea Cian was going to be in the box. He opened the box, he burst into tears. Cian's crying. It's such a good... Right, what the fuck? Because why the fuck? we started the story about kind of knocking people out no but that's what I'm saying all the hard ones are the really nice ones yeah why did you just tell me about the boxing match you never told me about the actual hard story I didn't know what it was for I love you off sorry his original comedy night was called punch drunk comedy I just thought it was a natural progression from the fucking comedy night oh that's beautiful if who do you think right is the hardest male comedian in the UK Do they have to be famous?

6:34Rosie Ramsey:Probably better if people might know who they are. Who's hard? I mean, we're all... I remember Russell Howard. I don't know if he's hard. I remember there was like the years when he was on Mock the Week and he was the young one. And then just he went away for like a summer and came back and we were all like, oh, muscle. Jeez, oh, what happened to you? And he's, oh, I remember like a heterosexual man, very, well, you know, I also find other men attractive. if I'm not afraid of that I've seen Russell Howard put this shirt off and I've gone oh I mean I get it at the end of this episode we bring a box out and Russell Howard's in it oh my god contain yourself I just get it it's not even him getting it listen we are obsessed with the fact that and I'm sure you've talked about this before but I don't know if any of our listeners will know this and viewers indeed the fact of how many relationships you've broke up with yourself.

7:34Was it Jigsaw that did this? So you've got a standard special called Jigsaw, you toured it all over the world, and then you took it on, it's on Netflix. Yes, and when I was touring it on the roads, I would see people breaking up during the show. Like, never verbally, but it's like, you know if you can see the front couple of roads as a stand-up? Couples would come in, and they'd be touching each other, holding each other's thighs, and playing with each other's hair, and then I would get to this bit at the end, where I was talking about why I was single at the time and, you know, why I got out of my previous relationship.

8:03And you would see people's body language, like, changing. You would see, like, one of the, like, normally the woman would be laughing harder than the guy. And then, like, one of them would go to the toilet and not come back. And then we'll be sort of looking over the shoulder. Oh, my God. And so I was keeping a tally while touring it for how many people, like, were messaging me afterwards saying they'd broken up. And then, when the Netflix special came out, it went nuclear.

8:27Rosie Ramsey:nuclear explain to our listeners just in case they haven't seen it what what was the because we get a lot obviously we have a couple we do the podcast together as couples so tell us what it was just i was in a very unpleasant relationship when i was 24 years old i like i've i've been i've been a family where there's like no divorces everyone gets married and that's what i wanted for my life and because of that i sort of kept forcing myself into relationships that you know weren't good for me but i was just it was better than being alone it's better than being single and i I was always thinking of that way.

8:56I'd rather be in a relationship than be by myself. And then I got out of a very horrible relationship and I sort of realised that was the wrong way to approach it. So I wrote a very sort of bitter, angry thing. Not just angry at my ex or angry at myself, but like angry at like the pressure of, you know, society saying you need to be in a relationship. It was meant to be like a love letter to single people. And so I speak about how I felt afterwards and this analogy that my dad told me when I was very, very young. And it turns out it's like, it doesn't break up any good couples. but it's we'll see yeah i would say it's like the ring for toxic relationships right um and you know there's people who've watched it who if you watch it was if you watch it with your soulmate you still find it funny like it reaffirms everything that you believe like i've watched it with my wife and i'm like i still believe everything i say in this and i'm still very very happily married but if you're in a crab relationship one of my favorite things people would do is normally be girls would like, four girls would decide that their one friend needed to see this special because

10:02Rosie Ramsey:they hate the boyfriends and then they're like, hey Jenna come round, you gotta watch this you'll love it and then like for 40 minutes it's stand up and then for that last 20 minutes it's me doing the rant to camera and just all of their friends being like, so shall we talk about Stuart? and then they all come to my show and they're like, you saved us. It's great. I love it. Oh my God. Oh, well done. That's fucking beautiful. Yeah. Yeah. I think we'd be all right. We get told a lot of the time that we're goals, don't we? We get on well. We do. I think we do all right. Oh, we do. I love you to death.

10:39Rosie Ramsey:I think we, like we were saying recently, I think if, like the fact that I look forward to when the kids are older and we get to spend a bit more time together and like I'm looking, don't get me wrong, I love the kids young and we'll be devastated when they get older. But I think if you can't see past that point of your relationship and if you can't see the future and think, we're going to be able to go to cafes and we can stay up late. We used to stay up until two o 'clock in the morning. We talk about this all the time. We used to just watch films really late. We haven't done that for years.

11:07Rosie Ramsey:So I'm looking forward to that. Stick another film at midnight. Stick a film on at nine. I'm like, what are you doing? Nine o 'clock movie star. We put Casino on last night at half seven and we were like, this is fucking madness. it was off by night the telly broke remember we kept we're trying to stream it and the telly kept breaking I was like Chris I'm done now it was a hotel she said it's the universe saying go to sleep I don't believe in fate but that would very much me being like God has decided as an atheist God has decided that is where I belong are you an atheist? yes absolutely have been for I mean yeah I would say in my 20s I was an annoying one like I would have like I would have been like the next beard hum actually you were the jehovah's witness of yes not gonna people's doors explaining why there should be yes exactly i took it's i took everyone else's religion as like a personal affront uh you were a bit like that yeah yeah i don't i really don't know now i'm gonna be honest with you all right uh yesterday i had an incredible out-of-body experience this is not made up this is on the train don't talk about the fucking no come on oh god it's not it's got nothing to do with religion or faith it's not he's gonna think you're fucking stupid he's gonna think I'm Jesus he's gonna think I'm Jesus Daniel look I'm open now it's one of the most profound things that's about death is around the corner I got a sushi thing right it was a California dragon roll crispy right I opened it on the train I put the little sauce on I put the crispy onions on I ate two bits of sushi fine nothing going on fine I've never had a bone in sushi in my life ever I've never had a bone in sushi and I picked up this bit of sushi.

12:50You've never left. I couldn't see a bone. Yeah. And I just thought, imagine, in me head I thought, imagine if you got a bone but you had the crispy onions so you didn't realise it was a bone and you just kept chewing it. No. I put it in me mouth, a bit, a fucking bone, about an inch and a half long. Longer than the sushi. Dude, coiled. Dude, it went in, in, down, in through me gum and like, you know in a cartoon when they put a stick in a crocodile's mouth?

13:20and it got out and I was like and I'm like oh it must be crispy and a bit more and it pushed further down and I put my hand in and I pulled mate it was fucking that long right pulled it out and it was about a centimetre in at me gum I pulled it out I put it down I thought I'd just envisaged that before it happened that's

13:36Rosie Ramsey:okay that's that's probably like universe stuff that's not Jesus I'm sorry God was just after being like hold on I'll quickly turn that water I know there's stuff going on in other parts of the world but this will really fuck with Chris

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15:25Rosie Ramsey:How can you quit? That's not nothing to do with religion. It's spooky. It's spooky. Okay, then it's spooky. Then it's like, it's witchy and like all that kind of stuff. It's not God. I don't know. Whatever God. I'll give you one there as an atheist that freaks me the fuck out. So I was atheist from a young age I had a sister that passed away when I was Seven, she was five Oh I didn't know that So from then I was just sort of like there's no God, there can't be No way My mum lost her faith then, my dad had always been an atheist And then like I'm talking about Five or six years ago I'm driving through Edinburgh I've got the radio on and Robbie Williams Angels come on Now Angels is what my mum says my sister's song is Like that was played at a funeral Whenever that comes on my mum always thinks about her sister So she loves that song.

16:11So whenever I hear that song, I think of my sister. I'm in the car. Angels come on. I turn to my wife and I go, she was my girlfriend at the time. I'm like, oh, this is my sister's song. And I tell Cara about it. And she goes, oh, when did your sister die? And I was like, oh, you know, I couldn't tell you. I couldn't tell you the day. I know the year, but I couldn't tell you the day. So I phoned my mum up. And I was like, I was just thinking about Josie. And my mum went, it's her birthday today. And I was like, oh, really? She was like, yeah, today is her birthday. and I was like, no fucking way.

16:40See, okay, right. I'm sorry.

16:42Rosie Ramsey:I'm holding me crying. I'm a huge believer in all of that. But I was brought up Catholic. Yeah. But look, that's one where I'm like, that's a hell of a - You can't reach in it. Yeah. I'm telling you, you get some sushi this afternoon. You will be in the church by Sunday. I swear to God you will be body of Christ and all that by Sunday you wake up to the news tomorrow that I die from a fishbone in my throat you're like oh no I got the wrong message and you know what happens it's like it'll undo Thanos like all them couples will get back together the day he dies it's all back to reality like the blip they all just come back oh no his power's dwindled a bunch of kids only getting one Christmas now like devastated oh I think that was beautiful you look fat don't you I just think that I just think it's true I just think it's really, really true.

17:37Rosie Ramsey:But then when my granddad passed away, we were reaching a bit. I think there were certain things that happened. We were like, it's him. Looking back, it probably wasn't. The whole family, every time, you don't know this, but the whole time, people who listen to the podcast regularly will know, every time any family member sees a feather, oh, it's granddad Jimmy. Was he a bird? Every time you say a feather. Feathers are, if you say a white feather, it's usually somebody who's passed away. Ask us a... fucking hell pillow pillow pillow pillow pillow pillow pillow ask us ask us ask us what the pillows are filled with in our house ask us how many pillows are on our sofa how many pillows are on your sofa easily 10 lots of lots of souls in your household it's a granddad jimmy reunion every day it's a granddad jimmy mosh pit how I youngest obviously never ever met granddad jimmy to the point where I was at me nana's recently and I went oh look who that is and I pointed at a picture of me Grandad Jim and he went Grandad Derek?

18:32Rosie Ramsey:My dad I was like no it's Grandad Jim but he's at the point now where there'll be a feather and he's like you're sitting on Grandad Jim It's fine you go through them they're ghosts it's fine It's just gone too far it's actually gone a bit too far but I know I really like stuff like that I think yeah I don't know it's comforting I guess at the time and you know Yeah that for me is the bit about the reason I'm less angry as an atheist now is I'm like you know if any I've seen so much of faith now is just, it's being a comfort for people. I always sort of saw it as an, I always saw religion from its like a tacky side, where it's all about conversion, whatever.

19:07Once you get older, you sort of realise the inner peace it brings a lot of people. No, it can be.

19:11Rosie Ramsey:There's awful religions. Yeah, of course. Some of them are fucking disgusting. All of them. Most of them. All of them have the awfulness in them. Exactly. I'm not sticking up for mine either. Yeah, there's a lot of war and killing behind every single one of them. Oh, God, yeah. Don't like that. If it's helped someone get through something or it's someone's comfort. Yeah. I'm really selfish. I get jealous of it. I envy the idea of heaven. I would love to believe that once I die, there's my sisters up there and my family, my gran and all that. I would love, oh yeah, but if they're there, I'm fucked, Rosie.

19:42Why? What do you mean? Because I'm not getting up there. Yes, you are. I've been bitching about the con for the past 15 years.

19:49Rosie Ramsey:They love that though. No, they love that at the pearly gates. They'll be like, look, we forgive you. They love all that shit. When I get up there, they'll forgive me because that's what he's like. Yeah. That's a direct Daniel's last quote. Yeah, just get up there and be like, soz me. Didn't you do a lot of the anti-religion stuff in America? Yes. A lot of shit. Yeah, a gun pulled on me in Indianapolis. A gun pulled on me. A gun pulled on me. Not like aimed at me, but like very, like somebody with just a gun on them was like, oh, you know, I don't like that. And I have ways of dealing with things that I don't like.