Please Keep Me Anonymous with Fatiha El-Ghorri

5:56Fatiha El-Ghorri:how fucking bougie are we the ice moved in the ice bucket and I was ready for action

6:02Rosie Ramsey:how was life how was everything going

6:05Chris Ramsey:yeah good just like working working working I'm like you know a bit tired but it's all good it's great yeah just work work work my book's coming out I'm working towards a tour I'm just like Everything's kicking off All at once Nice The power of Taskmaster We haven't got this on here What's the book on here We haven't got a book on here It's called The Perks on My Hijab And it's like a teen book Pre-teen book And it's coming out in May So it's just But writing You've written a book Yeah Is it fiction

6:34Fatiha El-Ghorri:Non-fiction Or is it

6:35Chris Ramsey:It's semi-autobiographical Okay It's a little bit based on me But through the eyes of my niece But some of my experiences Ah How are you finding the writing process? Well, it's all done, but when I first started it, it was blood, sweat and tears. It's hard, isn't it? Yeah. Calling the editor going, oh no.

6:55Rosie Ramsey:I found it. Chris is really good at it. And we did our book, our first book. We could do children's books now, which is a lot easier, by the way. Some children's books, so easy. We did our book during COVID and he'd be like, tippy, tippy, tippy, tippy. And I'd be sat at the laptop going, I don't know what to do it came really naturally to you I think you should do another book

7:18Fatiha El-Ghorri:I'm going to fill in a word count and they go oh you've got to do 70 ,000 words I go right okay I can summarise this story in a paragraph but I'm going to make it 12 and it's just you know now your tour I'm very excited about the title because one I don't understand it but two when you just explained it to someone you said you're going to get in bother so I'm very intrigued Fatty Elgory Cockney stacking doll What does this mean?

7:42Chris Ramsey:So it's Cockney because I'm a Cockney I'm from the East End, Hackney and Bethnal Green And the stacking doll You know you get those The Russian dolls that go into themselves Yeah we've got a Santa one

7:55Rosie Ramsey:Where it's got like mini little figures inside Yeah yeah

7:58Chris Ramsey:That's what that is Because one time, a few times in my life People have said to me, trying to guess where I'm from And they're like, where are you from? And I'm like it's a little place you won't know it and they're like no go on where is it I've been all over the world I bet I know it and I'm like okay it's my mum's vagina but anyway that's a different story but people are always trying to guess and this guy goes to me are you Russian and I was like why would you think I'm Russian like are you mad like you need to honestly and then he goes oh because you look like that doll that goes into itself the stagging doll yeah so a lot of people

8:32Fatiha El-Ghorri:right the little higger the little face

8:35Rosie Ramsey:you've got a really cute face you have a really cute little face you have like

8:43Fatiha El-Ghorri:do you know what's so fucking weird this is the longest no no this is so fucking weird for me because this is the longest we've ever chatted yes the last all I know is from you on Taskmaster either flirting with Greg or telling fucking I'm gonna knock you out bruv and now you're smiling I wrote a book and I cried and I'm like who the fuck is this person

8:58Rosie Ramsey:this is Fadier who I've got to know on Taskmaster who is lovely oh thank you who is so lovely but also when the cameras go on very scary right and very aggressive I do have that side

9:12Chris Ramsey:but I just I don't you are nice people why would I threaten to walk your arse apart from when I walked in and she took her time saying hello

9:20Fatiha El-Ghorri:yeah we all went

9:21Chris Ramsey:what the fuck are you yeah she went get out of here bitch I was like

9:25Fatiha El-Ghorri:I'm also here but I'll wait until you said hello to Rosie because I feel like that's what you're actually waiting for

9:31Chris Ramsey:I love you both I love you both

9:33Rosie Ramsey:I love it You've been doing lots of telly stuff as well How do you like the telly? What do you like better? Telly or stand up?

9:39Chris Ramsey:Stand up Always To be honest Yeah That's where my heart is That's the best I feel the most alive I feel the most on I feel great I feel I have the most energy And you're in control It's my stage It's my time It's I'm doing Like it's not like when you're doing TV And they're like Can you do that again please? Which you're probably going to do At the end of these Can you just Oh yeah

10:00Rosie Ramsey:No pick ups Yeah No pick ups This is just one and done

10:04Chris Ramsey:so you're just there catching strays like ending people's careers no

10:08Fatiha El-Ghorri:because if you see anything we'll just take it out if you want something to you we'll just take it out

10:13Chris Ramsey:you're very kind and then we keep it

10:14Fatiha El-Ghorri:and then we email you and we send bank account details and we send the money to that bank account if you don't want it to go out and that's just the way we do it

10:21Rosie Ramsey:and we pretend to be a Russian prince yeah no that's not our bag so but you didn't start stand up until 2015 yes What made you do it?

10:34Chris Ramsey:So I was married. It was my second marriage and I got a divorce. Yeah. Because that's what I like to do, honey. I like to marry them and ruin their lives and then divorce them. Wow. You've been married twice, haven't you?

10:47Fatiha El-Ghorri:I had no idea until I read it on an email of research that you've been married twice. What happened?

10:52Chris Ramsey:It just didn't work. It just didn't work. So I ended it. And then after that, I was on this website where you can look in like local, in your local area, you can look up like knitting or like a walking group or like a boards game night or something like that. And most of those events are like free. So I was looking up walking, having like a local walking group. And then this pop-up came up. Do you remember when we used to get pop-ups? Yeah.

11:18Fatiha El-Ghorri:I don't mean to brag, but I had a pop-up blocker. Pretty tech savvy, I'll be honest with you.

11:24Rosie Ramsey:Sure. Sure.

11:28Fatiha El-Ghorri:I think it was Norton Antivirus. It came with a free pop-up blocker. So, you know, stay safe out there, kids. Sorry, carry on.

11:35Chris Ramsey:And then, yeah, it just popped up and it said, try stand-up comedy. And then that was it. I did the course and then that's it. I did the course. So I thought it was for like,

11:44Rosie Ramsey:the way you met, right, okay. I was going to talk a lot of the way. Yeah, I thought it was singles in your area.

11:49Fatiha El-Ghorri:I thought that's what you saw. All right, you jumped stories there.

11:51Rosie Ramsey:It came up saying, try comedy. Yeah. And you did a course. Yeah. Wow.

11:56Fatiha El-Ghorri:That's fucking annoying.

11:58Chris Ramsey:That's annoying.

11:58Fatiha El-Ghorri:I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be offensive, but I firmly believe that they don't work.

12:03Chris Ramsey:Yes.

12:03Fatiha El-Ghorri:But you're sitting here in front of us.

12:05Chris Ramsey:No, so I think when people think of comedy courses, so this is what I would describe a comedy course as. You go there to make connections, to gain confidence, to kind of write up a joke and all that kind of stuff. Some techniques, some joke writing techniques and stuff like that, which I've never used. But the main thing is that confidence and they give you a stage and you meet other comedians at the same level as you and stuff like that. Okay. But they can't make you funny. You either have it or you don't.

12:32Rosie Ramsey:I said that to you. I firmly agree. I firmly agree. Yeah. It's the same with singing. You can either sing or not. I don't think you can be taught how to sing.

12:42Fatiha El-Ghorri:She's been trying to teach me to sing for fucking years. Oh, yes.

12:44Rosie Ramsey:I think you can to a level and you can get better, but I think it's a natural. And comedians are the same. They've got you. Yes.

12:53Chris Ramsey:Yeah, I agree with you. is it like singing as well yeah there is a natural like you said you can learn to a certain degree but it had there has to be something in you totally if you don't have that thing then

13:03Rosie Ramsey:what were you doing before i don't actually know this i was working in a university i was just

13:07Chris Ramsey:doing admin right and stuff and before that i was working in schools like you know proes like pupil referral units where all that the naughty kids go oh sure that brings knives to school and things like that yeah and all that kind of i could see you there yeah i loved it because I was like one of them in it. Take your names and whoop it out. Yeah, yeah. One time one of them told me to shut up and I followed her outside and I was like at three o 'clock and I was at the gate. I was like, tell me to shut up again, innit? Tell me to shut up again. I was like, don't ever think you can talk to me like that in class.

13:34Chris Ramsey:And then outside here I went, bust your head. Like don't ever talk to me like that. And that was it.

13:42Chris Ramsey:Fucking hell, that's amazing. You never run our mouth again.

13:44Rosie Ramsey:No, they need people like that. Yeah. They need people like that. I agree. In those places who actually just talk to them. how their parents, you know, how they're normal. But a lot of them, their parents don't give a shit.

13:55Chris Ramsey:So this is the problem.

13:56Fatiha El-Ghorri:Talk to them like a peer would talk to them. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

13:58Chris Ramsey:And they like that, you know, like that kind of, like you're being somebody that cares. Their parents don't care because they're going in and out anytime they want. They're like, I'm going to go and get a tattoo. The mum's like, or the dad's like, yeah, whatever. So they're not involved. Whereas when you're like, you can't do that, that's not, they fight you, but they like it because it means you care.

14:14Rosie Ramsey:Because it means you care. But yeah.

14:17Chris Ramsey:But it's about getting a balance. Like they have to know you can't take shit. I remember there was a girl chasing a teacher with a butter knife And the teacher's running I was like what the fuck is going on here And I just got in the middle I was like what are you doing Put the knife down right now And she listened and she done it And I was all up in her face with my chest like this Going put it down in it Put it down This is a funny irony

14:40Fatiha El-Ghorri:This makes more sense First of all a butter knife Was the butter on the knife? Yeah we were having breakfast There was fucking butter on it see that's so I don't like grease or anything on my face it makes us really upset I would run from a butter knife with butter on not for the fear of being stabbed but for the fear of getting greased you put butter on my face I'll have a spot in the morning

15:01Chris Ramsey:you've got good skin by the way I've got me

15:04Fatiha El-Ghorri:it's fucking dog shit it's dog shit I've got really greasy skin wow that's wild though that's wild so a proper job like a proper job like I fucked about and you fucked about but that's a proper

15:15Rosie Ramsey:I've had proper jobs

15:17Fatiha El-Ghorri:yeah bollocks

15:17Rosie Ramsey:yeah I did

15:18Fatiha El-Ghorri:name three

15:20Rosie Ramsey:All right, I worked at Dorothy Perkins.

15:22Fatiha El-Ghorri:Shop, doesn't count.

15:23Rosie Ramsey:I was a recruitment consultant.

15:25Fatiha El-Ghorri:Yeah, why are you though? I was. For how long?

15:28Rosie Ramsey:For a year. Oh. For merchandisers, who I would put all the lads out in the view. Oh my God. I don't think I've told you this. Oh. This was such a mad job. Exclusive. We'll do the jingle. It's a Rosie Ramsey exclusive. Just made that up. Job second. So I would have to set up the office like a supermarket. Mmm. and they would all have to come in, and this was the interview, and it was about merchandising, and it was about setting, and they would, because the people we employed, they would go to the supermarkets when they were just built, and they would have to put up all the shelves and everything.

16:02Rosie Ramsey:So I would have to set it up, and they would have to put all the shelves together, then they would have to put all of the food on, and I would have to have loads of tins and crisps. And I remember, this is how greedy I am, I remember I just loved it, because whenever I did it, I would eat loads of crisps. Because I would have to buy Big 12 packets of crisps.

16:18Fatiha El-Ghorri:How would you set up an office as a supermarket? How did you do that?

16:22Rosie Ramsey:It was just like an empty room, like a conference room. And they would have to come in and build all of the stuff.

16:28Fatiha El-Ghorri:Okay, back one more step. How would you set up that room as a supermarket? You. You said, I used to have to set up the room as a supermarket. Do you mean you would just push all the chairs to the side?

16:36Rosie Ramsey:I'd push all the chairs to the side. I knew it. I knew the story.

16:41Fatiha El-Ghorri:As soon as you said they'd build the shelves, I thought, she just cleared her room. That's all she did here. I put the shelves in. She put chairs and tables at the side and she wheeled stuff out the room. That's all you did. Brilliant.

16:50Chris Ramsey:Yeah.

16:51Fatiha El-Ghorri:Brilliant.

16:51Chris Ramsey:Did anyone ever fail? Did anyone ever do it really bad? Yeah. I don't know, put the sweet corn at the top and the chocolates at the bottom. You're like... Sometimes they could just not put the shelves together and they wouldn't get the job.

17:01Rosie Ramsey:No way. That's ridiculous. Well, listen, I've got... And then I would have to book all of the accommodation because they would go to wherever and I would have to book bed and breakfast for them all. So I have had serious jobs. Fair enough.

17:14Fatiha El-Ghorri:And by the way, anyone who works in a shop, I wasn't slagging off chops I was just doing it for comedy effect to annoy Rosie I've worked in chops but yeah

17:21Chris Ramsey:if you start on him I'll come round your house oh my god she's got me back this is amazing back up back right up into the fridge and put that shit away there she is

17:33Rosie Ramsey:babadoo babadoo babadoo

17:35Fatiha El-Ghorri:eczema is unpredictable but you can flare less with Epglis a once monthly treatment for moderate to severe eczema after an initial four month or longer dosing phase About 4 in 10 people taking EBCLIS achieved itch relief and clear or almost clear skin at 16 weeks. And most of those people maintain skin that's still more clear at one year with monthly dosing. EBCLIS, LibriKizumab, LBKZ, a 250 milligram per two milliliter injection, is a prescription medicine used to treat adults and children 12 years of age and older who weigh at least 88 pounds or 40 kilograms with moderate to severe eczema. Also called atopic dermatitis that is not well controlled with prescription therapies used on the skin or topicals or who cannot use topical therapies.

18:12Fatiha El-Ghorri:EBCLIS can be used with or without topical corticosteroids. Don't use if you're allergic to EBCLIS. Allergic reactions can occur that can be severe. Eye problems can occur. Tell your doctor if you have new or worsening eye problems. You should not receive a live vaccine when treated with EBCLIS. Before starting EBCLIS, tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection. Ask your doctor about EBCLIS and visit ebglis.lily.com or call 1-800-LILY-RX or 1-800-545-5979. Spring is here, and there's a whole new way to chai at Starbucks that's made perfect for you. Choose your sweetness, dial it up, or keep things light.

18:44Fatiha El-Ghorri:Add a touch of pistachio, a hint of strawberry, or vanilla. Or make it a spring classic with lavender. Because this season, there's endless ways to chai at Starbucks. This episode is brought to you by Indeed. Stop waiting around for the perfect candidate. Instead, use Indeed Sponsored Jobs to find the right people with the right skills fast. It's a simple way to make sure your listing is the first candidate C. According to Indeed data, sponsored jobs have four times more applicants than non-sponsored jobs. So go build your dream team today with Indeed. Get a$75 sponsored job credit at Indeed.com slash podcast.

19:23Fatiha El-Ghorri:Terms and conditions apply.

19:26Rosie Ramsey:So are you enjoying comedy? Yes. Was it the right path?

19:30Chris Ramsey:Yeah, definitely the right path. It's like, for me, comedy is so layered. It's not just about making people laugh. There's representation. You know, there's not a lot. I don't think there's anyone that looks like me that's at my level um so it's so important I get so many messages from like young girls or like some Muslim girls girls hijabi girls um or just girls that um minorities yeah and they message and they're like how do I do comedy I've always wanted to do it but I don't think it's a there's a place for me and I'm like you have to make your place yeah exactly there is you have to fight for it yeah and stuff like that um you do have to work card or unfortunately that's just the way it is when you're different so um so there's that and i love that part of it as well being able to give that to these people give back even men message me and go i really like what you do i want to do the same and men from minorities as well and i'm like yeah do it and i always say to them do it you've got nothing to lose if you just do it if you don't

20:27Rosie Ramsey:like it you don't do it again that's exactly i totally agree with that just try it and then if you don't if you like it great if you don't like it then nobody has to know exactly really nobody really knows does it I remember

20:38Fatiha El-Ghorri:very similar when I first started comedy and when I first started getting in for myself people in the north east and stuff would say oh my god how did you get into that and I'd be like it's fucking closed mate I was the last one you're not coming in

20:48Chris Ramsey:go and fucking

20:49Fatiha El-Ghorri:bow back to your office this is mine

20:52Chris Ramsey:don't you dare

20:53Fatiha El-Ghorri:I'm joking that's it I am very much a kick the ladder down climb up and kick the ladder down you're not coming up here Chris doesn't think

21:02Rosie Ramsey:any other podcast exists

21:04Fatiha El-Ghorri:there's no other podcast do you know we're the only podcast in the country. Isn't that amazing? Isn't that unbelievable? In the world, we're the only podcast in the world.

21:12Chris Ramsey:But it's good though. I mean, there is relevance to that. And if that's, because you should block out other things. Do you know what I mean? Don't concentrate because then you start comparing and that's a natural human thing. Yes. Was it comparisons of the thief of joy? That's right. Boom. Exactly. Are you still reading comments? Do you know the problem with...

21:32Fatiha El-Ghorri:Hold on, hold on. Backstory, Rosie. backstory yes

21:36Rosie Ramsey:during Taskmaster a lot of our group chat was all of us telling Fatia to stop reading Reddit yeah about Taskmaster not Reddit no no Reddit the worst one

21:47Fatiha El-Ghorri:oh don't go on there that's the

21:49Chris Ramsey:that's the dark

21:50Fatiha El-Ghorri:that's one step away from the dark web yeah yeah

21:54Chris Ramsey:I know I don't know what was wrong with me but so I'm not I don't read Reddit but like you know sometimes people comment nasty shit on your stuff and you can't help not see it because it comes up as an notification yeah but what i do is like for example this oh it's people will people are going to chat shit in the comments like i can't say nothing because it's your podcast

22:14Fatiha El-Ghorri:when it's on no no if you want to go in our comments and you want to start fighting with people that interaction gets it way up in the algorithm that you you want to honestly just go on all of our stuff and start if you got if you got an afternoon and you just want to start giving Keyboard warriors are fucking kicking. I'd be well up for that.

22:32Chris Ramsey:It's just, if it's on mine, I fucking tear them up. Nice. I tear their arse in half. Really? You know when you tear a piece of paper and then you tear it again and again? That's what I do to that bum hole. Because I don't take shit. Good. Because some people are just so fucking rude. I'm like, who the fuck do you think you are? You don't know anything about me. You don't know. You know, like they'll see a little clip and they'll go, that was so rude. I'm like, you've seen a 30 second clip. You didn't see what we said before, after. You don't know what it's in relation to. You have a problem because of this.

23:00Chris Ramsey:That's what your problem is. So just be straight with yourself and then we can carry on. Do you know what I mean? Like, what the fuck, man? I don't look anymore. I just don't look.

23:10Rosie Ramsey:And ignorance is bliss. Yeah. Like, I was listening to an American podcast because I watch all the Real Housewives and stuff. And one of them basically said, she was like, I just live in a bubble of like, I've got no idea what anyone thinks about us. and I'm kind of like, I need to adopt that. Not too much because then I think you become a bit narcissistic and a bit like, I still want to be aware of life. But it can be really damaging. I've saw stuff before and it's like ruined my day. And I'm like, oh, I don't want to do this.

23:44Chris Ramsey:They can be really cruel, but for what? Like if I see something I don't like, I just don't look at it again. I text my sister. You know what I mean? Yeah, exactly. I'll talk to my sister and go, I can't bear them. Yeah, why are you going in someone's comments and saying stuff like that? Do you know what I mean? And then another thing that pisses me off is they do it with an anonymous account. If you are a tough cunt, come with your chest, innit? Let me see your fucking ugly face so I can tell you how ugly you are and that your mum and dad is probably a dog because you look like a dog. And then we can...

24:16Chris Ramsey:Do you know what I'm saying? Sorry, I said cunt, by the way. Just cut that out. No, we can see it. It's fine. We can see it. It's fine. but like do you know what I mean I'm like I totally agree so don't come giving it the big one and then you don't like you're on anonymous are you mad with a picture of like a fish nah bro and then like come with your face say it to her faces

24:34Rosie Ramsey:say it to me when I'm due on in ASDA and I will I'm not a fighter but I will fight

24:39Fatiha El-Ghorri:she'll rip your face off like then you know them chimps you know when someone keeps a chimp for too long and the chimp just goes fuck this do you know chimps go for the face you know that they just pull your face off

24:49Rosie Ramsey:oh really yeah they just rip your face off

24:50Fatiha El-Ghorri:that's what she would do

24:51Rosie Ramsey:I've not really had a proper fight other than with my siblings but I think I'd be scrappy

24:55Chris Ramsey:yeah I think you would like yeah I think you'd be well fast I think you'd be like do do do do do yes that's oh god yeah yeah I would actually you'd be like oh god I love it

25:06Fatiha El-Ghorri:look it's so lovely that you're filming that full of shit you you haven't seen her trying to get up off the sofa she would not be fast she would be so fucking pathetic it would be honestly fetal position

25:17Rosie Ramsey:oh don't even

25:18Fatiha El-Ghorri:telling everyone I know a fat here I'm gory I'll get it and get you. I'll get it and get you. Get it weird. Not in the face. I'm recording a podcast tomorrow.

25:28Rosie Ramsey:I don't have that.

25:29Fatiha El-Ghorri:Post and ghost, man, on Instagram. I just post and ghost. I will not read it. It's detrimental. I just don't think you should have to know everyone's opinion all of the time. People could argue that maybe, you know, if you can't take everyone's opinion, but my job is putting that shit out there. Yeah. So I'll just put stuff out there. We'll put the podcasts out there. We'll put the things. If people love it and the numbers go up, people love it. You don't need to know if certain people don't like it Because the thing with comedy, if they don't like it, don't laugh. The silence tells you. I don't need another layer on top of that of, oh, by the way, your fucking shoes are shit and your hair's rubbing.

26:01Fatiha El-Ghorri:I don't need that as well. If you haven't laughed or you haven't clicked like, then fair enough.

26:05Rosie Ramsey:No, I don't know anyone who trolls online. And I don't think sane people troll. This is on our notes. Yes. And I just need to know more about it, right? Okay, so. Here we go. It says here, in fact, I grew up with a mother who was very superstitious. And the example is... I love this. The example is your mom thinks if you eat out of a saucepan, it'll rain on your wedding day. What is that?

26:30Chris Ramsey:I've got a bad habit, man. I just like when I cook, if something's cooking, I eat straight from the hob. Oh, so do I. Do you do that as well? And I love when food burns and it sticks to the bottom and I just scrape it all out. That's not my favourite.

26:42Rosie Ramsey:I've been known, I roast quite often, like tomatoes and peppers, and I'll get me fingernail and I'll just get all of the oil, the burnt oil, and I'll eat that. So what? Kindred spirits. So yeah, that was my mum.

26:56Chris Ramsey:She used to do that. She's like, stop doing that. If you do this, it will rain on your wedding day. Is she Russian? No, everyone says that when I do her accent.

27:04Fatiha El-Ghorri:Sorry, I couldn't resist. I'm so sorry.

27:07Chris Ramsey:What was that? So what?

27:08Rosie Ramsey:I've never heard of that superstition, though.

27:10Chris Ramsey:I think it's a Moroccan superstition. it's the same with like scissors she's like don't play with the scissors don't keep on like opening them and closing them you're calling the the devil the shaitan which is the devil

27:21Fatiha El-Ghorri:you're calling an evil spirit if you go up and down on the scissors you're calling on an evil

27:26Chris Ramsey:spirit and they're gonna come and if you you know like if you sit on something high and swing your feet she's like stop doing that you're gonna bring in something evil i'm like what are you talking about we're in a dining room where's it has it coming in do you now though now that you're

27:40Rosie Ramsey:older do you think it was really superstition or was she just trying to scare you to stop you

27:46Chris Ramsey:doing it probably i think i think you know like old wives tales yeah i think it's all that and people do do that and it when you know like i notice sometimes even my niece my mum will be like stop doing like if my niece picks her knickers out of her bum like so like she's she's only six and my mum's like stop if you're doing that the ants are gonna come and eat you and my niece's like what it's just to stop her from picking her bum and knickers and all that do you know what i no yeah

28:09Rosie Ramsey:I totally do I think it's like that my dad did it recently with the Rave wouldn't go for a wee before bed and my dad was like oh the

28:18Fatiha El-Ghorri:it was so random it was like the fucking toilet fairy you'll get here or something it was absolute bollocks

28:23Rosie Ramsey:it was something like the what's a wee what's a wee man what do we call a wee piss no like for kids

28:31Fatiha El-Ghorri:oh yeah he said he said our four year old he said our four year old the piss yeah the piss pixie it was piss pixie he illiterated it which I thought was great I can't remember was it the Tingle Fairy or the

28:41Rosie Ramsey:something like that like the Tingle Fairy or come and get you in the middle of the day and my 40 year old was like what he was trying to say

28:47Fatiha El-Ghorri:is he'll piss the bed that's what he was trying to say but he put all his bullshit around of yeah the wee wee fairy the pee pee fairy will come and get you or something god it was funny it's such a

28:55Chris Ramsey:our parents kind of you know we wouldn't traumatise that's why we've all got anxiety just making up fucking characters

29:00Rosie Ramsey:that we're going to come and get with we don't do that anymore there used to be the boogeyman we would throw rocks at my Nana's street down the street like a gravel off our driveway at the boogeyman who would come in the middle of the night I was terrified genuinely I never told anyone terrified of him I was terrified so this was at night

29:15Fatiha El-Ghorri:you would just throw rocks into the darkness during the day you'd throw rocks down the street

29:19Rosie Ramsey:I heard for the boogeyman because my cousins would be like the boogeyman will come he's going to come tonight but this was the same grandparents that they like they let my they let my older cousins do a Ouija board and shit oh shit that's scary yeah it was like it was like Nana and Granda who had Mars bars for breakfast like there was low-key not much not much parenting going on yeah nor telly no yeah yeah yeah it was it was pretty rogue when you want your

29:47Fatiha El-Ghorri:spring break to feel like and your kids pool day to feel like and your

29:55Rosie Ramsey:hotel bed to feel like oh and room service to feel like

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31:09Rosie Ramsey:Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo We've got a story for you Oh yes

31:12Chris Ramsey:Can you read it out? Of course I can Is that okay? Of course, of course Thank you so much Okay, are you ready? Mm-hmm Alright Dear Chris and Rosie Please keep me anonymous Yes Look at me doing my proper voice I was going to see you put a reading voice on

31:27Fatiha El-Ghorri:Very nice

31:28Chris Ramsey:See if this don't work out I'm going to do like sex phones like I recently started a new job and I'm based in a small finance department that was awful sorry I don't even think you have to sound sexy and then blazes anymore

31:50Rosie Ramsey:yeah you just need to go

31:51Chris Ramsey:yeah that's true you just need to go your tits out got me tits out

31:58Rosie Ramsey:I've got one tits out I'm reading this So I missed that Yeah I missed all of that You put me on that Little tongue waggle

32:05Fatiha El-Ghorri:At the end Was so off putting So off putting

32:08Chris Ramsey:Alright here we go Dear Chris and Rosie Please keep me anonymous I recently started a new job And I'm based in a small Finance department The employee I'm replacing Had some leaving drinks And was given a Personalised hamper In the hamper Was the standard card Voucher Snacks And travel coffee mug But one thing stood out A roll of toilet paper. Oh. Oh. Skitty Steve.

32:36Fatiha El-Ghorri:Yeah, there's an office story here. There's an office story here.

32:39Rosie Ramsey:That is odd, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why would you give a roll of toilet paper? Yeah, that's odd. It's a finance department. It's an in-joke. No, it's an in-joke. Come on then. Let's find out. What's he done?

32:48Chris Ramsey:As the newbie in the room, when everyone laughed, I was confused until someone filled me in on the private joke.

32:54Fatiha El-Ghorri:There it is.

32:55Chris Ramsey:Turns out this man, who had been working at this company for around three years, has been openly bringing his own toilet roll into the office to use for his daily shit after lunch. Eh?

33:07Fatiha El-Ghorri:What?

33:08Chris Ramsey:Why?

33:09Fatiha El-Ghorri:It's a toilet roll connoisseur and he needs his own brand.

33:11Chris Ramsey:Oh, okay. He explained the quality of the toilet paper in the office wasn't great and bringing in his own was the only option.

33:19Rosie Ramsey:Oh, what a snob. What do you think? Well, yeah, I don't know. but there is a difference between toilet paper. I've had really good toilet paper. I've had really bad toilet paper. But I just, you wipe your arse on it. So I'm not that bothered.

33:34Fatiha El-Ghorri:I can tell you the worst toilet paper I've ever had. What? South Shields. Used to be public toilets.

33:40Rosie Ramsey:Oh, it was like... Tracing paper. It was like tracing paper. It was like tracing paper.

33:44Fatiha El-Ghorri:It was like bacon. It was like little squares of non-stick bacon paper. Didn't dry you. Didn't dry you from... You literally just were smearing shit up your back. It was horrible. It was when I was a kid. You had shit in them toilets? Yeah, when I was a kid. Absolutely awful.

33:59Chris Ramsey:A lot of schools, I remember being in school and them having that kind of paper, or the recycled one, and then you'd feel the bits as you wiped yourself. I'm like, what's that? Hey, the bits I've got is like a little exfoliant.

34:12Chris Ramsey:And there's some trouble. It's so expensive, but then you wipe, and it doesn't come, it just stays in your bum or your trunk or whatever. I'm like, what is going on here?

34:19Rosie Ramsey:But I don't like the really thick stuff. I like somewhere in between. Oh, really? Have you ever tried? You know the luxurious one when you're like, let's go for it. Oh, the toilet blocker? It's Christmas. The toilet blocker? Yeah, it's too much.

34:31Fatiha El-Ghorri:It's like wiping your ass with a mattress.

34:33Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, I like an in-betweeny. That's a good thing.

34:38Chris Ramsey:You're totally right. Okay, but this wasn't the worst part. After laughing off the toilet paper, a fellow employee turned around and said, well, it's not the weirdest thing I've ever seen him come out of the bathroom with. I've seen you coming out of the toilet with a coffee mug before.

34:57Rosie Ramsey:Right.

34:57Chris Ramsey:Right. Again, I just laughed this off until the accountant replied and told us all why he had what he called the unfortunate mug with him.

35:07Fatiha El-Ghorri:Right.

35:08Rosie Ramsey:Is he having a coffee break in there?

35:09Chris Ramsey:Is he drinking his coffee on the toilet? No.

35:12Rosie Ramsey:No?

35:13Fatiha El-Ghorri:What are they laughing at?

35:14Chris Ramsey:I don't know, do you want me to carry on?

35:15Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, go on, I want to know the end.

35:17Chris Ramsey:But sometimes, do you ever take your phone to the toilet? Yeah. But sometimes I'll get up and I'll be eating a chocolate or something and then I'll need to go toilet. So I'll go with it in my mouth, like a piece of it in my mouth and then I'll do whatever I've got to do and then leave the toilet.

35:36Fatiha El-Ghorri:But you realise that you're eating in the toilet? Yeah. Okay, I understand.

35:38Chris Ramsey:But I don't take it in with me in my head. In your mouth? Yeah, but it's disgusting. It's in your mouth. It's in there. You know, I've been living alone for too long. please someone marry me please

35:48Fatiha El-Ghorri:not a green advert

35:49Chris Ramsey:so what's this mug for right here we go he was filling the mug with warm water dampening the tissue and using it to clean his ass oh my god I don't know where he kept the mug or how often he did this but let's just say I made sure that I brought my own mug from that day and never used the communal cross so it was a cop That's what the coffee mug was for.

36:17Rosie Ramsey:He just took a mug from... Right.

36:18Fatiha El-Ghorri:And he's taking it in like a fucking... Like a DIY wet wipe. And he's using the toilet roll, his own toilet roll, and his own little mug of water. And he's wiping his arse down like someone restoring a fucking painting.

36:33Rosie Ramsey:But, Oval, I don't think that's that bad. A communal mug. No, but it's his own mug, isn't it? No, it's a communal...

36:40Fatiha El-Ghorri:A couple of things that are bad about it is everyone knows that he was just dabbing and wiping his arse with things. That's the bit that I don't like. Oh, yeah, I drank my coffee in the toilet. Disgusting, aren't it? You could have said that. Not, oh, sorry, yeah, I was just dipping this in and like fucking bit spitting polish.

36:55Chris Ramsey:Why does everyone know that?

36:57Fatiha El-Ghorri:And he needs to change his diet because it's not that there's something wrong in his diet. He's having watery, disgusting manky up his back shites. It's his fault.

37:06Rosie Ramsey:You should just get some wet wipes.

37:07Fatiha El-Ghorri:He needs some fucking fibre in his diet.

37:09Rosie Ramsey:Wet wipes in a little Ziploc bag.

37:11Chris Ramsey:Yeah, I've always got wipes, hand wipes. I won't use them for that but yeah wet wipes yeah see because we women we're smart I know it's you man them that are dirty disgusting with your dirty bums

37:25Rosie Ramsey:did you bring something with you I did so

37:28Chris Ramsey:this so I brought something in which is just a coincidence right so I've got this thing have you ever heard of a bidet darling

37:36Rosie Ramsey:yes of course

37:37Chris Ramsey:our old house had one

37:38Rosie Ramsey:I loved it oh did you and we didn't get one we said we should have got one in the new house yeah yeah we didn't get it we didn't

37:44Chris Ramsey:Okay, so I've got loads of these at home. And it's like a portable bidet. Right. You can get ones that are small and go into your bag or whatever. So you open it up. Just explain it for our listeners. Oh, so. Yeah. It's a bottle. It's a bottle. Can I explain it from the opening up? Of course you can. So you open it up. And then you fill it with water. Yeah. Okay. So it's blank in there. And then you fill it with water. And then you take the top off. Yeah. and then you put it near your bum. And you squirt it up your bum.

38:18Rosie Ramsey:That is amazing. And you can do it at your front as well. Oh my gosh. So it's got a little, it's got a little, you would love this.

38:26Fatiha El-Ghorri:I am, is this used? Yes, it's clean. No, no, I promise.

38:28Chris Ramsey:I've got loads at home in case people come over. That is. So that guy, I can tell you now, this guy doing this bum nonsense is not Muslim. No, no, it's not. Because if he was Muslim, he would have one of those.

38:39Rosie Ramsey:He would have one of them.

38:40Fatiha El-Ghorri:That is, I've often said, and people who listen to this podcast, I jump in the shower after I've been, after I've done number two. I jump straight in the shower. Every time. Every time. Because I'm, I just, I do not believe in toilet paper. I just find it to be antiquated. It's prehistoric. It's disgusting.

38:53Chris Ramsey:Yes.

38:53Fatiha El-Ghorri:Again, I've said it before, I'll say it again. If I got shit on my arm, I wouldn't wipe it off with a bit of paper. I would wash it. Love that. Love that. It's good, isn't it? I mean, I'm not going to carry it around with this, but then again, I don't poo outside my own house. I don't poo outside my house or outside a hotel room. I don't do it.

39:07Rosie Ramsey:I will not do it can you just get them on Amazon or something yeah if I get one of them

39:12Fatiha El-Ghorri:wrapped up on Christmas day I'm going to be fucking raging don't it's not funny

39:16Chris Ramsey:there's electrical ones and there's tiny ones as well oh my gosh there's electrical ones

39:20Fatiha El-Ghorri:I'm going to be honest with you on a bad day I don't think there's enough water in there to sort me out I feel like I'd have to waddle to the toilet sink with my pants around my ankles through the pipe to do that do you know what I mean

39:31Chris Ramsey:I love it my sink is right next to my toilet so they're so easy to like use I've got loads at home well I love it Because people come over and that. I love it when you go abroad and there's a little... Oh, the hose. There's a hose in the toilet and I'm just like... Love the hose. You can also get that connected to your toilet if you don't have a bidet. You can get those hoses connected. Oh, we should.

39:49Fatiha El-Ghorri:I feel like I'd miss fire. I feel like the wall would be pebble dashed. Oh, my God. That's disgusting.

39:55Rosie Ramsey:I'm so sorry. We're going to have to leave it there. And I'm so sorry we've got to leave it on the thought of Chris pebble dashing up the wall. But it's really lovely to see you. And thank you so much for coming on the podcast. Thank you for having me, my darling. good luck with the tour and it's on sale now yes thank you

40:10Chris Ramsey:buy tickets

40:12Rosie Ramsey:she's serious thanks love thank you yay