Please Keep Me Anonymous with Greg Davies

22:26Rosie Ramsey:Do you think? I mean, it's a machine. It's a monster. It's a monster of a show. Yeah. Who do you think was better? Out of you two? Mm-hmm. Oh, God. Yours was a while ago, Chris. Yeah. Wasn't it? That's what's going to let me off the hook here because I can't really remember. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. I can't remember people who've been on it. It's awful. Does it just turn into like, it's a machine, isn't it? No, I just think you get so absorbed in it. It's such a weird, bloody world. Well, you know me and you know that I'm not a despotic character in real life. Yeah. But on that show, didn't you find you just get so absorbed in the Taskmaster universe?

23:04Rosie Ramsey:Oh, I was horrible, Alex Horne, and I really liked him. Yeah, yeah. I really, like, he's a lovely... Well, I mean, I wouldn't... I don't like to say it publicly, but I really liked him as well. He's a lovely bloke. But as soon as I sit on that throne, I think, Oh, God, yeah. I think, oh, fucking little dweeb. I find myself getting really wound up with it. I got really into it. I was like, fucking... Something about it in that space. Yeah. But because you get so absorbed in it, I sort of feel like I've lived 20 lifetimes. I get it. You know, so I look back on, I try and remember which world I was in with each series.

23:34Even just being a contestant on it. Like, I'm a professional comedian. I've got a successful podcast. I've got children. I've got a fan. But suddenly I'm like fuming that someone may have hit a pole with a ping pong ball blindfolded a little bit quicker than me. I'm like screaming at Sophie Dukat.

23:49Rosie Ramsey:I'm like, no. And I'm like, what am I doing? You're extremely competitive. This is the problem. Only for shit stuff. Only for shit stuff. Like, not for anything like. And the great thing about it is there's nowhere to hide, isn't it? We've all got our comedy personas that we've worked on, but you can't on that show. You just can't be a person. Well, I can, but you all can't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We did a thing with Reese Shearsmith recently, didn't we? Yeah, yeah. I was chatting to him about it and he was like, I just really struggled to be myself. Oh, I thought he was great. No, no, no. He loved it and he's great in it, but I think he's always so used to being a character.

24:22Yeah. So we had to just be him.

24:23Rosie Ramsey:On TV, so he was like, It was the first thing I've done where I was just myself. I think that's why he put off doing it for some time. Yeah, right. I think it was only Steve Pemberton that sort of reassured him it was fine. Reassured him it's fine, yeah, yeah, yeah. I had an interesting thing with Rhys on that show. I'm trying to think if I can explain it properly. It's an interesting thing of how it works in the studio is I'm always looking for something I can pick on as a repeat thing. So if someone's physically clumsy, it's always reassuring to me because I can always come back to how clumsy they are.

24:56So early doors, I suggested that Rhys was like a powder keg of anger that was barely being sort of contained. Brilliant. And then I kept saying that. And then about three episodes in, you sort of realise he isn't that at all. He's actually very measured and in control of what he's doing. But I kept saying it and it irritated him. And he kept saying, you keep saying that I'm a powder keg. and then he started to come across as someone who's about to get from rage you gaslit him you gaslit him so it sort of became self-fulfilling and those weird little dynamics happen in the studio all the time I think you know what I mean this to and fro on our series

25:34Rosie Ramsey:in fact yeah we were acting she was going to marry her it was insane so she kept telling me so she kept telling you fairly aggressively and on my series Judy Love phenomenal bullshitter that was the one that kept coming up oh wow she could sell the utter shit that she'd done she could just sell it. She is. She could flip it. She would make a living in the North Pole, that woman. I just think she has got such chat. She came on this series of Buzzcocks, not to bring us back to Buzzcocks, out now on Sky. That's why you, yeah. Very well done. The PR person outside is over the moon. But she came on Buzzcocks and flagrantly cheated.

26:13And she sort of talks, she sort of, even though she's been caught cheating, she sort of talks in such a way and you start to doubt yourself. And we had it on film. I was going, we've got it on film. Are you cheating? And she's like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. And you start to go, maybe we haven't got it on film. Maybe none of this is being filmed. She should go.

26:33Rosie Ramsey:Do you watch The Traitors? I don't. Have you never seen it? No, I hear it's very good, but I've never watched it. Right, okay. So I heard. You strike me as a man that watches fuck all. I don't watch a lot of telly these days. Do you not? Yeah, I'm the same. Okay, well. I don't watch telly. I don't listen to. I watch a lot of true crime, but tell me about it. What true crime? I love true crime. Are you joking me? I think true crime is a very unhealthy obsession. It is. I'm trying to stop. Greg, I can't tell you, but I had the worst dream in my entire life about Chris the other night. It's because I watch documentaries of awful stuff and then I go to bed and I think that he's going to do awful stuff.

27:08Was it me and him wanking in a shower?

27:10Rosie Ramsey:It wasn't far off that. Greg, a bloody wish, mate. It was worse. A bloody wish. No. It's because you watch too much true crime. It's because I watch true crime. I've given up cigarettes and I'm genuinely next on my list as true crime. I think it's really unhealthy. Dude, it's a huge red flag. I think it's horrible voyeurism. That's a personality. Yeah. And I'm ashamed of it. But what's your favourite subject of true crime? Murders or like... Have you listened to West Cork? Oh, no. It's on my list though. It's a podcast. I think it's the Prince of True Crime podcasts. Oh, is it? It's ill. Is it though?

27:42Rosie Ramsey:Because I've listened to... I like scamming stuff as well. You know when people scam people. Oh, I love people being scammed. No, like, no. Oh, yeah. I've listened to it. Bit of old ladies' life savings down the shit out. Oh, yeah. Spray a bit of that on. I love it. Mmm. When they pretend to have cancer and stuff, and they scam people out of thousands. Oh, right. So we're talking, Bill. All right. We're talking, you're Dirty Johns of the world. You're big lads. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard Dirty John. That was about it. I think it's unhealthy. And I do think I'm coming out of that face. I do think I'm starting to get it out of my system.

28:10Because I do think it's unhealthy. Yeah. looking at people who've had awful things happen.

28:14Rosie Ramsey:Do you know what you should? I think it's an empathy thing, actually. I think it makes you a better person because I think you empathise with them. Very nice. I genuinely do. Back in the game. Here it is. You've just bought them another six months. No, honestly, I do. I think I'm quite an empathetic person. Is that the right word? And I think it's because I cry and I feel sorry for them and it's like an empathy thing. For the murderers? Not the murderers. I hate the murderers. Oh, the murderers. No, I don't. I don't empathise with the murderers. I've got a theory. This is my theory. See what you think.

28:45We like watching True Crimes because you think, however big a dick I am, I'm not as big a dick as that guy.

28:56Rosie Ramsey:Fucking hell. Who did that terrible thing. I'll never be a big a dick. That's great. Whatever mistakes I've made, I've not done that. Wow. Yet. Just a theory. Wow. What an incredible angle to take. on true crime. How much of a dick are you that you need to do this? I'm not a dick at all. I like to think I'm not a dick at all. Yeah, when you're competing It's just my theory as to why it's attractive to people. I get you. Because we all doubt ourselves, don't we? And we all question our decisions from time to time. And I think every now and again people like to go, yeah, but I haven't fucking murdered 10 people.

29:33I know I was rude to my mate at that party, but I haven't. Chopped away people's heads off.

29:40Rosie Ramsey:I'm a really nice person. Sorry. It's ridiculous. That's why. It's just a theory. If you're going to give up true crime, let me suggest that you watch The Real Housewives. Oh, no. Instead. I think you'd like it. Really? I don't think I'd like it. Greg, it's so stressful. Matt Ford's a massive fan. Matt Ford's a huge fan of it, which I couldn't believe. I didn't get to talk the other night about it. I couldn't believe it. Every time, so Rosie will be in our dressing room getting ready, and every time I walk in, I need to speak about something. Every time I walk in, there's either someone describing a gruesome murder audio or there's women screaming at each other and fighting and pulling each other's hair.

30:17I don't know what I'm going to get when I walk in. It's nuts. And the trouble for me is I would watch that and I would get addicted to it. And then I would question myself. Like I got addicted to, what's that awful show? Love is Blind. Nice. You know, Love is Blind. I watched two series of the US version. I don't know why. I just put it on one day and then I didn't leave my house for three days. I watched two full series of it. And I hated it, but I couldn't stop watching it. I know exactly what you mean. And the conclusion I came to after I watched the end of the second series is that humanity should be destroyed.

30:57That's what I think. Do you not know my slogan? My slogan on the podcast, send the meteor. That's my slogan. Is it? Send the meteor. Just send it. Perfect. Every time we get a horrible story, we're ready. Yeah, he is. Send the media. Well, don't watch Love is Blind US. Right. Because I haven't seen the UK version. I'm sure it's very good.

31:16Rosie Ramsey:That's when they don't see each other at all. They're just through a wall chatting and getting annoyed each other and then they get married. Oh, God. Should we do this? Yeah, but first of all, though, your tour... We haven't started recording this podcast yet. No, no, no, not at all. No, no, no. Your tour, very nearly sold out. If any extra dates come, where's the best place to find them? They're all on my website. Right, we've just put extra dates on for March next year. Yeah? Yeah. And if anything else comes on, maybe join the mailing list or something. Is that the best place to do it? Please join the mailing list.

31:44Well done, Chris. Join the mailing list, please. GrantDavis.co.uk. There it is.

31:48Rosie Ramsey:Oh, will you tell Paul we said hello? Who? To our manager. We haven't finished the podcast. No. We haven't finished at all. I've got, my brain's like a pinball machine. I'm really sorry. Yeah, we'll tell Paul. Did he do you? Yeah, he did Owen. Paul does. Love him. He's so good at his job. probably makes me ashamed of myself. I know. Do you know the tour managers, and this is proper, apologies to people listening and watching, because this is proper in comedian touring in crack, but do you know the tour managers are genuinely mortified if they ever have to fill up the car while you're in it? Yeah.

32:21Rosie Ramsey:Do you know that? That's a thing. Like, mortified. I wouldn't know, because he would never do it. Exactly. There you go. It's literally like, oh my God, I had Chris and Rosie in the car and I had a full petrol. He did have to do it once. He was putting petrol in and he was looking through the doors and he was going, I'm so sorry you've had to see this. I'm like, Nick, you're not having a shit in the boot. You're filling up the car with fuel. Like, what are you talking about? I can really upset Paul now. I've got a great picture of our tour manager. You know when you know someone in a certain context?

32:54And we've become friends, I like to think. Oh, he's lovely. We were in one hotel and we were both going for a swim downstairs and he turned up at my room in a robe and slippers. it was just so it was just so weird out of context I can't picture it I've got that picture if I showed it on this podcast he'd never speak to me I know it's one of my favourite pictures I can't picture it and it's making us it's making us very uncomfortable do you know what you call him snail? snail no because so many times when you go to type Paul it changes to pale for some reason in your phone oh so it went pale then it went snail so he's just a snail snail do you know what I call him?

33:29what? Bobby Two Bots sorry what? because we were walking to stage one day and he decided for some reason to put two big bottles of water in each of his back pockets. It just, it came out of my mouth. He goes, all right. I went, all right, Bobby, two bucks. That's all I call it. Sorry. I'm sure we should have this on. Oh, no, he's fine. We've dug him out on this podcast many a time.

33:57Rosie Ramsey:You need to ask him about the time which he was really traumatised. We were doing the O2 and Chris pissed in the back of the van in a bottle. Did you? And he'd had a Barocca. Prostate. And it was disgusting. No, no, just traffic in London, mate. Traffic in London. But he got really upset, Paul. The bottle had had Barocca in and he pretended he didn't. He wasn't upset. He was very, very upset. I'm not saying I'm with him. He was very upset. Yeah. Doing a Barocca piss in the back of a van? A Barocca piss into a bottle where the Barocca had been as well. So it was double Barocca piss. On the way to do our gig and the O2 were in there.

34:27So did it all fizz up? Yeah, yeah. He said he was, yeah. He was very shut up. Was it just a normal Evian bottle? Yeah. You would have spilled some stuff. Nah, man. Nah, man. I've done it. Deadly accurate, isn't it? Oh, mate. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

34:40Rosie Ramsey:He's circumcised. Yeah, I'm circumcised as well. No problem. You'll find this out with the milk now. You'll learn all this. What does that mean? It means it doesn't spray everywhere. What, you think I'm like a sprinkler? Just because I've got a horse in it? I haven't seen a foreskin for a year. I forgot what they're like. Well, they're not pretty. I haven't seen a Porsche in for years. What's wrong with you, man? Just imagine Chris, but with a little sleeping background. Pulled on at your mouth. Oh, I've got my car.

35:22Rosie Ramsey:Can we do this, please, Greg? This is actually what we're meant to do. We started getting emails of people and they basically just took on a whole thing and people send with so many amazing things. God, they tell us. Well, they're just writing, these are true stories. Yeah. And they want to be kept anonymous. Yeah. Talk about true crime. I could make a full true crime documentary of some of the stories that have been sent in. Yeah. Shocking. Oh, like worrying. Yeah, some of them. Some of them we can't read out. Some of them we can't read out. Oh, shit. Do you want me to read this out? Yeah, well, we don't know what this is.

35:54Rosie Ramsey:Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. That's what the section's called. Always. That's what the whole podcast's called. Welcome to the show. Oh, is it? Thank you for reading the emails. Jesus. This isn't Shagmary, do you? Honestly, it is. It's an off section. Shagmary, PC, me and I was. Oh. Are you taking the piss? Oh, separate things? No, no, it's the same thing. No, it's it. Under the same umbrella. Yeah. It's the same thing. Oh. Bake off extra slice. Oh, that sort of thing. There it is. But hosted by you. Yeah. With those shows normally, you get other people in. We're too greedy. Joking on you.

36:26I'm not sure you can do your own. Absolutely can't. You can do your own adjacent podcast. Can and have. Okay. All right, then. Well, hopefully, Chris and Rosalie invite me on the main one sometime. This is the main one for guests. I don't know how it works here. Megalomaniacs, these people. He was on Lorraine before this. Geordie Megalomaniac. Are you Geordie? Yeah, I suppose. Sand dancers. Sand dancers.

36:51Rosie Ramsey:Well, South Shield, so we're not Newcastle, not Southern South Shield. Is that posh? Posh Newcastle? No. No. No. No, no, no. No, sadly not. We live in a nice street. Okay. Rosie, Rosie. Do you know sometimes you forget that this is like work and you're just like, Greg, we live in a nice street. No, we do. It's not a part. We love where we live. We live in a hometown. But we have upgraded from where we grew up to the nicer part. The nice bit of the hometown. So when I went to school, I went to school with people who live where we live now and I thought, nice. When I got invited. People are looking at you going, maybe.

37:27Rosie Ramsey:Let's see. Here we go then. Rosie recently talked on the podcast about crawling out of class and not getting caught. Oh, yeah, I did that at college. Oh. Yeah. Now, you were a teacher, Greg. What, for many lonely sad years. Did you have anything like this? Did kids try and leave the class, hide, crawl across the floor? Oh, my God, yes. Yeah? What did you teach again? Well, I mean, loosely drama and English. Right, okay. Nice. Can I tell you something from when I was at school? Please. We had a geography teacher called Batty Price. And I'm sure she's no longer with us. I don't know why she was called Batty.

38:05Batty. First name Batty.

38:07Rosie Ramsey:Or Mrs. Batty. First name Batty, second name Price. I think Batty was a nickname. Okay. I don't think her name was Batty. But everyone called her Batty. I don't know why. Right, okay. And looking back, I mean, I guess she can't have been 90 years of age. but to me at the time she seemed 90 years of age. And she used to wear, I guess she had arthritis, she used to wear arthritic sort of armbands so that her hands were always like this. No. I swear to God. So she would hold chalk and be able to write but most of the time she was like this. No.

38:44And I remember her facial expression was always squinting like this. And she seemed 90. Anyway, there was a trend in Batty's lessons and it happened, I cannot tell you this, most lessons. Someone would put their hand up and she would go, yes. And whoever it was would go, do you mind if I go to the toilet, Mrs Price? And she would go, OK, be quick. And then that person would stand up and then we would all leave. No way. The whole class. And I swear to God she never noticed. I swear to God. we'd come back and she would be saying and periglaciation is wow we'd all just go and stand out there for about five minutes and then come back in even like the square kids well I was one of them even the frightened kids like me we would all go well I guess we're all going out

39:35Rosie Ramsey:I love shit like that I love stuff like that this is the anonymous letter well I had a girl in my year who used to crush pencil lead down to a powder and then snort it up her nose It would give her nosebleeds, which meant she could get out of lessons. The girl in question would always ask the teacher if she could bring a friend to help with the nosebleed. It was a bit of an inner circle and you'd only be able to get out of lessons if you were mates with her. I was only invited once to be her nosebleed companion. I mean, this is insane. That's fucking horrible. She'll be in a true crime documentary.

40:12Rosie Ramsey:She'll be dead. She's going to be dead. Lead poisoning. Lead poisoning. She's snorting lead to make her nose bleed. She'll be dead. This is about a dead woman. Is that the tone you want on this podcast? It'd be even... I tell you what, Rosie and Chris from Shag Married Annoyed are not going to like this.

40:35They're not going to like this tone. Reason about someone who's essentially topped themselves with a pencil.

40:42Rosie Ramsey:I think she made it to the end of the school, yeah. She wouldn't have wrote that in. It's later down the line that her face will have fallen off. That's so bad. How much do you hate school? Like, you snort. I mean, come on. Oh, my Christ. Come on. I think it's genius. Jesus Christ. It's insanity. Oh, God. I was in a class with a lad once. I won't name him. When I was at school. And he was eccentric. And a mate of mine. Really, very much living life according to his rules. And I was trying to do some work. and he went, oi. And I went, hey, mate, leave it out. I was really trying to concentrate.

41:19I was shit at it. It was a science lesson. I was shit at it. And he goes, give me a number between 1 and 50. I went, fuck off. And I carried it on. He goes, just give me a number. He goes, what's it to you? Give me a number between 1 and 50. I went, 26. He went, all right, thank you. Ten minutes later, an ambulance was called because he had 26 yeast tablets.

41:42They were fucking big. as well. Like a horse pill. He found a big jar in his science lab that just had yeast tablets on it. Stop! He asked me to get started. He had to go to hospital.

41:57Rosie Ramsey:Why would you do that? He was bored, I guess he was bored. Oh my god! Oh my god! Awesome lady! Did he survive? Oh, he lived, yeah. Wow. Have you ever seen this is it, do you ever see the naughty kids? He lived. This person didn't. Hopefully I have. I went to a random awards ceremony a few years ago in South Shields and the naughty kid from school was there, but grown. A bully? He wasn't, actually, I'll give him his due. He was not a bully. He was just naughty. And it was so funny because he ended up getting expelled in year 10. But he came up to us and his daughter was getting an award and he was like, Drememay.

42:39Rosie Ramsey:Still talk like that. Drememay. And I was like, oh my gosh. and he said his name and I was like fucking hell like you were in twilight school but he's lovely now he's done really well for himself has he? yeah like really his daughter's winning his daughter won the pride of the South Townside award lovely guy but he was the last time I saw him as a child he was sniffing gas that he put on his tie from the bunt like the bunt said burn heads just boffing gas all afternoon sorry so he's spraying the gas onto the tie he just used to sniff it like a rag with cloth I met a lad when I was home at my mum's really recently.

43:18And I met a lad who I was at school with. I see him. He's lived in my hometown since we were at school. And he's a mate, you know. And we were just, I'd been to the supermarket. And we were just sitting outside the supermarket chatting about school days. And it's so funny how it starts to come back and how you've normalised things that happened. And I remembered that I watched him chase our drama teacher across the drama studio with, you know, those big cans of hairspray. Well, you don't know, you're not old enough. But in the 80s, the girls all seemed to have a bag with a can of hairspray like this in it.

43:52And I know he... I shouldn't name their names, should I? He got one of those giant cans of hairspray off a girl and he got a lighter and he lit it like a flamethrower and he was chasing our drama teacher. What the shit? He rang the studio and I remember him going, oh, stop that. Stop that. Don't be so silly. And it's literally a four-foot flame going, hooray!

44:18Rosie Ramsey:That's fantastic. And same kid, same drama teacher. The drama teacher came in because the head, our head, thought drama was pathetic, not a proper subject. It was the first time drama had ever been done the year I did drama there. Really? Because the head thought it was just poncy nonsense. so they get no budget and the drama teacher kept begging him for money and in the end he gave him money for one set of playbooks and he came in all proud going the head has finally given us some money and I've got these lovely beautiful playbooks and we'll be going through these during the term I remember how excited he was and later that lesson the same boy, the flamethrower boy went psst he went hey hey He called me into the store cupboard.

45:07Don't. He cut them all in half with a big pair of scissors. He destroyed them all. Every single one. That was a fucking psychopath. Oh, no. But he's done well for himself. He has, he does. Wow. He has, yeah. He's totally normal.

45:27Rosie Ramsey:Oh, no. God. Oh, why do I feel so sorry for you? And I have to say, it was one of the most awful and one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life. I was absolutely down the line of, this is appalling, and this is a work of comedy genius. Yeah, it's brilliant. In half, up the spine. No, no, across the middle. You couldn't even bother me. It took him ages. It was 35 foot. Oh, my God. And they were thick. He would have had to have really, like... That's absolutely fucking psychotic. That's the harshest thing I've ever heard. And the drama teacher, when he found them, just started crying. Started weeping.

46:06Rosie Ramsey:That's so sad. Yeah, everyone's fine. That is so sad. Still alive. It's alive. Oh, God, that's what I'm saying. Just a gentle weep as well. Not a sob. Just like...

46:21Rosie Ramsey:Oh, man. Listen, we've run out of time. Have we? Mate, that is flowing. I looked at the clock there and I was like, oh, my God. Yeah. Buzzcocks. It's on Sky now. Buzzcocks is on Sky. your tour which I'm going to come to the Newcastle Arena one if you don't mind I would love that Rosie's going to have the kids she doesn't know until I've just said it so that's going to be good great Taskmaster's obviously on just on just all the time innit it's just cracking on that's all going well join Greg's mail list I would love people to watch Buzzcocks because I do think this is a great series I do think it is it was so fun when I did it and like I say dare I say it I don't want to slag anything off but when I did it when it was on the BBC years ago I was like oh this is the show I've seen on the telly for years and years and years but when I did it on Sky I was like this is a new version this is revived and I'm telling you it was great it was really good fun and I'm not bullshitting I wouldn't just say that it was great I do think we're just having fun yeah it was and in the first episode you know Bez from Happy Mondays is a team captain that alone that alone I mean he shouldn't be in charge of putting his own trousers on that's not being a team captain he's the people we've just chatted about in the school stories yeah yeah yeah that's 100 % Bez I am He is living life by his own rules, that man.

47:32I love him. He's hilarious. I don't think I've told you this. Have I told you this, Rosie? When I lived in Manchester, I was looking at a new flat to rent and a proper Manchester estate agent waters into this flat and he only said one thing about the flat. You know, they've got to sell you it and they tell you, you know, where's South Face and all this rubbish. And he just went, Bez used to live here. I went, right? He went, so... I went, is that it? I went, that's it? He went, yeah. I went, okay. And I looked around and I left because I thought, there's probably drugs in the fucking walls. Well, God knows what will have happened in that place.

48:09He must be five, ten years older than me, Bez, and he's just still got the energy of an excited child. Good for him.

48:18Rosie Ramsey:He's just having a great time. Living life. Good for him. Anyway, please watch it. I'm dead proud of it. And thanks for having me on. This has been lovely. You're welcome. Thank you so much. It's been really fun. I'm going to have to get my makeup I need to go and have a lie down because I've cried I've never laughed so much Greg Davis thank you so much sir thank you