Please Keep Me Anonymous with Greg James and Alice Levine

0:02That's the sound of zero sugar, 200 milligrams of caffeine, and the power to burn body fat. Storm, energy for life. Storm Energy Blend helps boost metabolism, which in combination with exercise and a healthy diet helps burn fat. This product alone does not produce weight loss. Individual results may vary. Girl, winter is so last season. And now spring's got you looking at pictures of tank tops with hungry eyes. Your algorithm is feeding you cutoffs. You're thirsty for the sun on your shoulders. that perfect hang on the patio sundress those sandals you can wear all day and all night and you've had enough of shopping from your couch done hoping it looks anything like the picture when you tear open that envelope it's time for a little in-person spring treat it's time for a trip to ross work your magic hello you are listening and watching shag my annoyed please keep me anonymous and this week we are joined by the hosts of the bad chat podcast and the team behind the Crossed Wires Podcast Festival.

0:57It's Alice Levine and Greg James. We had a right good laugh. Really, really, really good laugh. I've known Greg loads, known Greg for years. He's a great guy. Alice, that's the first time I've had a full-on chat with us. Me too. She is unbelievably funny. Well, as a diehard porno, my dad wrote a porno fan. Yes, and fan of just porno in general, but carry on. Obviously. Not since you got to put your email in. No. But that was great. Really, really nice to meet her. And she's so funny. Loved it. Loved every second of it. Brilliant. Both of them are great. You need to get a VPN, by the way, but I'll tell you about that later.

1:26I'm not getting a VPN. You need to get a VPN. I'm fine. I live without it. I'm fine. Great. So, yes, please subscribe if you're watching on YouTube and if you're just listening. Enjoy. Miss Prawn. We had a fight about the jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jing-go. So this is the jingle. Jing-go. We hope you like the jingle. Jing-go. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba Jingle No, but you just did a thousand kilometres on a bike I did And you were Were you in Sutherland for the big weekend? We're doing big weekend I'm going to Sutherland next week for a whole week, yeah Right, so you know what was really weird?

2:07I was on the school run, right? And Rosie rang us and she went I've just been a seminar Greg James is in Sutherland He's in that middle bit And they said, are you driving past it? I was like, I think so We'll just pop in and say hi I don't think that's how it works You could have popped in Hello, mate Hiya, mate That would have been great I popped in and said hi. Yeah. We were in Kiel Square. Yeah. So we've been there. So we launched Big Weekend in January. We did finish one of the legs of the challenge in Sunderland. And then we're going back next week to do the build up for Big Weekend in Sunderland.

2:34Harrington Park. Harrington Park. Yeah. But he hates talking about the ride. Please don't talk about the ride. He hates about how much. I didn't bring it up. All the money he raised. He hates talking about it. I didn't bring it up. I didn't bring it up. He's a national treasure, but he would never say that. I didn't bring it up. I didn't bring it up. Will he get a knighthood? we don't know but he doesn't want to talk about it let's be honest that's the only reason he's doing it absolutely what I will say is the reception in the North East best best place in the world it is I love it I came fourth and strictly just because of the North East just because of the North East people and those hips and those hips the hips they don't lie you know why you came fourth he's still dancing though no I can't you can still do it I can't you not really I can still do a bit of Charleston I can do the little the foot swivel of the Charleston I'll throw it in a stand-up show now and then would you do it like from you know hob to fridge would you just do a little I think do you think our house is yeah we live in the north it's massive I'll be knackered I can't dance from hob to fridge it's two postcodes and I was just thinking there's not enough distance between mine to do a move so yeah I'll tandem bike it that was actually that was going to be one of the legs one of the legs was going to be from your front door to your back garden Yeah, you wouldn't survive it.

3:46That would have been 90 miles. 90 miles in a day would have been my longest day. How much did you raise? I can't remember. It was like 4.6 million. That's amazing. That's so good. It was a cool week. It was eight days in the end. Well done. Should we give them a clap? No, I don't need any more praise. It was a mad thing, though. Also, quiet claps for the mics. They're really pathetic. Have you seen this, by the way? We've seen this recently. I hate it so much. Is that a clap thing? It's so, for everyone listening, it's the little hand, little finger clap. It makes us want to vomit. I like, do you remember in school, you used to do that, two finger on the little...

4:24The cloud clap now, you've not seen that? Oh, they just waved, don't they? It's like cloud clap in schools. They, big cloud clap now. And for the purposes of audio, we're pretending we're holding a beach ball. Just holding it, yeah. And like sort of tapping it gently. Why is this? I think it's for children who are a bit sensitive to like loud noises. Yes. Yeah, no clapping. So it's quite eerie. you do something amazing in class and it's just silence. I remember when COVID happened and people started doing stand-up comics, started doing gigs, drive-in gigs. And I heard that if the last, I never did one, rather die, rather catch COVID.

4:59And I heard that if you did well, they would beep. And I was like, I'm not having that. I can't. I was like, I'm not having that. That's so sad. So for like a clap, everyone would start beeping. A beep's a heckle. In my opinion, a beep is a heckle. A beep is a hecko in traffic, isn't it? You're heckling the traffic. And where were they? Surely people have an economy. On stage, like a drive-in theatre. Well, it'd be like a big field somewhere, drive-in, everyone does the drive-in. But like, I find it... Are you telling me that doesn't put you off? I wouldn't do it. Yeah, I wouldn't have done them.

5:25I was very lucky we had the podcast and I didn't have to do one. But I remember thinking, I get distracted when someone gets up and we go to the toilet in a comedy club. Imagine if... Oh! Beep! Beep! My auntie! Oh my God! Yes! Auntie Pam? He phoned me one morning when I was on tour. I forgot all about this. Go on, tell everyone. Well, I don't know this story. Well, my auntie interrupted your comedy show. Yes, yes. At Weymouth Pavilion. Weymouth Pavilion. And we got you on the radio the next day because she got up and did she drop some drinks? She was like, you know, the person who, well, she was working there, wasn't she?

5:54Yeah, she was working, yeah, yeah. Selling like the ice creams and stuff. She dropped a full tray of them while I was on. And I was like, what the hell? And I was like, obviously, not nasty, but give her a bit of grief. Well, I gave her a lot of grief. Then I realised she was a nice lady who worked there. So the grief got reined in quite a bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And yeah, next morning, Greg James is ringing us up on the... Yeah. You've been shouting at my auntie. It was Aunty Pam. All my cousins are like... Oh, Aunty Pam. Chris Ramsey's had a go at Pam. I know. I also love the grief backpedal.

6:20Bastard. Where you're like, what the... Hey, Ben. Hi, you work here. Yeah. I tumble. It's my screams before they defrost you. Oh, get out of here. Oh. You look a bit like Greg James. Yeah. Did she not say it at the time? She didn't. She was very cool, but it was the phone call the next day. Imagine immediately she went, leave me alone, I'm Greg James' auntie. I will drop as much ice cream as I want. He's the goddamn breakfast host of Radio 1. I can't remember. Did someone get in touch with us or did you just ring us or message us off the bell? I think my cousins might have let me know. Yeah, but I'm saying, I don't think me management got in touch.

6:58I think you just rang us off the bell. I strangled you, yeah. Get me Ramsey. Yeah. Not much content today. Ramsey's been heckling me, auntie. Are you joking? that is the content we all want yeah waking up to that is like the dream Chris Ramsey's had a go at my auntie yeah we cancelled Timothee Chalamet Taylor Swift Taylor Swift back in your jet tell Margo it's done there was no music that day it was just that it turned it into 5 Live yeah fam having a moment yeah big moment you guys are doing a podcast together yes oh yeah nice about time yeah isn't it we really feel like we're joining at the people aren't doing many of them so we thought it's about time you of all people dipped your toe in the podcast yeah I just thought you're doing really well I like the sound of these yes we are any advice?

7:47get married? it's on the cards I think I'm your third wife third wife third wife down not at the same time you mean down the line no not my third marriage yeah third not collecting them no like a third my third marriage could be Alice that's frustrating what happened how many what who's getting married I think Greg's suggesting his current wife would die or you'd get divorced then there'd be another wife and then he would consider marrying me which I think I think there'd be a buffer yeah it'd have to be a buffer okay listen it's good to have a friendship Paul would kill to be third wife that's a win in my book yeah I know I can't hope for more yeah do you feel like it strengthened your marriage because I did a podcast with my actual wife Bella and we hated it by the end oh right it's a lot of that well it's just I know but I know you've cleverly put it into the show but actually there's also like a real thing behind it sometimes where you're like the last thing you want to do is just sit and chat with them all day but on mic as well and laugh at the jokes oh well sometimes I mean there's days I just don't and I don't just pipe in the laughter yeah I think our listeners know and they kind of get it and it's like but there has been times when we're having we give ourselves it's the most ridiculous thing ever we give ourselves a buffer of like three days to do the podcast Yeah, right.

9:05Genuinely, because it's like, if we're not speaking, we can't do it. A buffer of not talking to each other, so you have chat. No, a buffer of we'll do it Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday and we'll see what day we'll feel. We'll have to keep all three days free. So people will, you just sit down and talk for an hour. It takes three days to do. It's a lot. But has it, honestly, I think about this quite a lot actually because we don't know any different. We were married obviously for a little bit, but that was the really happy you know when you're really happy at the beginning but also pandemic though as well we did it in the pandemic so stressful we were married before then we were married before then that was when we were that was like that was nice that was the good times well no 2015 pandemic happened 2020 they were good times yeah but I don't know anything else yeah because you're institutionalised into the podcast institutionalised great words to talk about you're like in you're in I know nothing else is quite strong as well.

10:06Am I happy? I don't even know. Who knows what happiness is anymore, right? I think that sometimes on The Breakfast Show where me and my producers will just go, what do we actually like? Because I've spent so many years just watching and listening to loads of the, kind of all the listeners love. I'm like, what's my actual personality? Do I like this? Oh no, it's good. No, it is good. I don't know what I like anymore I'm with you but also yes I think we do it really well and I think we're still happily married but also we learned one of the things is that our marriage is genuinely more important than all of this you'd hope so well I think that more than you Chris doesn't agree I see them as one and the same thing no quite with the cost of gas right now which one's more important yeah that's true that's that's your face so just to sum up we're not married but we do have a podcast yeah it's called Bad Chat Bad Chat yes and I hope that it will be a podcast marriage of many years yeah yeah we're only on episode one yeah let's see I've known Alice for so long and I've wanted to do we've never actually done a work thing together but we've been friends for in the orbit you were on the orbit yeah and she would always I'd be on we'd do radio stuff together but it would never be like official and obviously Alice is like the fairy pod mother of podcasts.

11:35Yeah, I was a big porno fan. Yeah, but she was doing it before it was even a thing, really. I invented them, yeah. Invented podcasts. Yeah. You did world tours. It's a burden I have to carry. You're welcome for your livelihood. Listen, you very much paved the way for us. Like, yeah, we were, yeah, definitely. We'll copy that model. Thank you. When we were coming up with the name of the podcast and we said Shagged, someone on our team was like, ah, shagged, it's a little bit, and we were like, it should be fine. They went calling it shagged. They went, my dad wrote a porno, you know, porno that gave them, that was hard for them.

12:07We were like, oh, it's done them. It's terribly, they've suffered so badly. Can you imagine if we had a better name? We would have flown. But no, people did say that back then. They said that we wouldn't, we wouldn't become anything. Look, we showed them. Yeah, well, that was when there were three podcasts. So yeah, you either listen to our podcast or the other two, whatever they were. I was talking about serial yeah exactly serial on the radio yeah and then we got channel four didn't we more podcasts came along yeah it was a it was a long time ago but we were saying that we have done obviously we've done radio we've done Greg has 13 podcasts and one for every day of the year and we were just like we want to do one where we kind of like you chat like we would chat you know we don't have to hit the news or, you know, be on topic or have a theme.

13:01Play Alex Warren. Exactly. Play Alex Warren three times an hour. So I feel like what we've struggled with is telling people what it is because it's kind of whatever we want. It's free. It's free. Yeah. But that's the joy of your podcast is like stuff. Yeah. Just chatting. Stuff and listeners and emails. And I mean, dare I say it, radio. Oh. You know, you did radio. Yeah. You've both done radio. You did loads of radio. Yeah. Yeah. And it's just that sort of, let's run with that bit now. Let's take that tiny little idea and go, where could that go? Nowhere. Maybe the next one. And that's sort of how, I mean, like any good friendship, you exchange just bits the whole time.

13:43And it's just either piss taking or sending each other ridiculous stuff that makes us laugh. So that's sort of what we want it to be. We want it to be a podcast that people just go, oh yeah, we're going to send that to Alice and Greg. They'll love that. They'll love that. a kind of club those are the best sorts of radio shows and podcasts aren't they the stuff we get sent it's unbelievable like our listeners the stuff they've sent us I thank them all the time like and I've said this before when I first got on to telly and we were like because you do comedy you do stand up and you chat to the crowd and you get loads of good stuff from the crowd and then you start doing telling and you go oh the crowd and TV people go oh no not the crowd don't bother with the crowd it's funny isn't it and you go what the heck and then we started doing this and we're like oh we'll get the people to send stuff in and they're like god man they're still to this day unbelievable stuff it's phenomenal but it's the sort of it's the Terry Wogan trick back in the old days where he just did sort of three or four years of that breakfast show that he did on Radio 2 and then he just said I think it was in his book he just said then the listeners just write the show for you every day really you just have to be the person in the middle to bring it all together and just like throw in the funny little bit and that TV thing I find so interesting because if you watch a show like Graham Norton obviously he's the best in the world at his job but it's so funny how the stars the A-listers are like the main thing and at the end they're like let's put that funny listener in the chair and then flush them away if they do a shit story yeah yeah well you've just had some guests on have told pretty shit stories i've got to get rid of fucking tom idlston or whatever you know but but you've tried that that's i find that so strange and i've always kind of gone with radio it's always the listeners have all the good stuff yeah and they actually make the celebrity way funnier because they're the interaction between a listener called darren who's just like on his you know just driving around or whatever yeah talking to The Rock, that's way funnier than just hearing from The Rock.

15:28The listeners always have the best stuff because they're truly engaged in what you're doing. I think you're going to get some really good stuff. It's sort of like, do you ever go and look at all the comments under like an annoying video? That's all I do. People are so funny. People's comments are so funny. And I read them and I'm like, if I could have come up with that one liner. And your job is being like a pediatrician or like a builder or like a lawyer. And yet you've done the best zinger. I've seen all day. 6 ,000 likes on an Instagram thing. Honestly, they kill me. They kill me. Starting or growing your own business can be intimidating and lonely at times.

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17:59You know those friends who support your preference for podcasts over music on road trips? That's the energy State Farm brings to insurance. With over 19 ,000 local agents, they help you find the coverage that fits your needs so you can spend less time worrying about insurance and more time enjoying the ride. Download the State Farm app or go online at statefarm.com. Like a good neighbour, State Farm is there. There was a bit that was on the first episode, which Alice, what was it about the, well, you should explain it. It was your finding. The moment. The moment. My friend who's a doctor told me that horses' legs are their fingers.

18:40so through evolution they have they have turned into legs but they are fingers and they're the there's disgusting it's disgusting it's quite disgusting it's chilling and there's more to it than that and it's more complicated than that of course we we didn't realize that or do that so now everybody on the internet is really mad at me and it's been clipped up and it's got it like wildfire and i'm i like every two to three years i'll post something on instagram you know Like I'm, I'm a social media guru. And so the first thing that I've said on the internet since like 1994. It's gone mad. There's a pylon.

19:15There's a major pylon. What, are people not happy or something? I think there's... Oh, people aren't ever happy. What? It's really united. I've got questions about this horse. Okay, sure, sure, sure. And I'm definitely the person to answer it. But the funny, the funniest comment that I saw, which I might even steal for the next episode without crediting the guy. Yeah. He was like, so that makes, so that essentially makes the entire horse a hand. Yeah. So my question is, is that four fingers or is that four legs where one finger took over on each leg? Thank you for your question, Chris. So just to explain this in terms you'll understand.

19:54I don't know. I don't know. I'm so out of my depth. Were they at one point just like a carcass being dragged along with little nubbins? No, they used to roll them. Yeah, little lobs. Horses used to just roll horses. At one point they were a fist, and then they just sort of...

20:12Who was this friend? Are they a doctor or a vet? Well, this is the thing. The comments are like, your friend should be struck off. Oh, for God, people are so angry. But what's really funny about it is... And he has been. He has been. We had so many times in that. He's been arrested. He's in front of a tribunal, as he should be. but we said so many things on that episode and it's the stuff that you don't even think about that really catches people's imaginations and people, my favourite comment was, you absolute Brit, and I didn't know that that was an insult, but people are, you absolute Brit, because a lot of Americans in the comments are very livid, people just loving to have a sense of humour bypass about it as well, because people are like did she not learn this at school, I'm like, learn this, this is not my, this is, I didn't learn that about evolution What was that?

21:00What was that in? I learned about the... Don't pay no attention, just give them the horse's leg. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. But that's the stuff. Very good. And also when... It's actually excellent. Very good. That is excellent. Lovely. Actually, all four of us make up a horse. Yes. There it is. I've got a horse on my own. Oh, my God. Yeah. So now I'm never posting anything on the internet. No, I would stick away from, like, religion, evolution, all that kind of stuff. The big three. religion evolution horses equestrian legs as soon as people as soon as you put a different opinion on the internet that's it they're just like well we're obviously fighting now and you're like but you know what my problem is though I don't know whether it's because of where I was brought up or just I just want to fight them sure so part of me wants to go alright then babe come and let's come and we'll meet up and we'll have a fight so that's why so that's why I can't I can't look because I will message them and go where'd you live that's why I find the traitors I find the traitors amazing but I find it to be a tough watch because I'm not from a place where you sit around a table telling people what you think of them and it doesn't end up in the fucking car park.

22:08Shouting that someone's a liar. Well, I think you're a liar and I think you're two-faced. I'm like, right, well, this table's getting flipped over and we're going in the fucking car park. Like, do you understand? I would love this. You just write on the little board and it just goes...

22:24They're busy filming now, aren't they? Yeah, they're doing the new one now. Would you? surely yes oh I would love to I'm a fan of it we'd get voted out straight away for being a couple they'd be like no you're a couple no one would trust but they'd get rid of I don't think it's because you're a couple I think it's because you're untrustworthy car park now please don't even the mime I was like I'm not committing what have you done to your back oh I don't know I woke up and it was oh the worst way to injure yourself sleeping wrong I know isn't it pathetic it's so sad it's so so sad and I feel so sorry for myself and I also feel delighted because I'm on Cocodomol I don't know what any of you are saying I'm like hey yeah good one this is going to very quickly turn into what it's like when my mum and dad see some of their friends and all they talk about are ailments the whole time you wouldn't believe it oh well his knee is getting better but the shoulder needs attention but Marion's wrist is still it's not back to normal yet and she just slipped up the step could happen to any of us The most pathetic ways of hurting yourself Biting the inside of your mouth Literally eating yourself Devastable, yeah Sleeping wrong Your body's gone Stubbing your toes up there Stubbing your toes up there I broke my toe Stubbing it?

23:39By stubbing it I've never heard a noise like it It sounded like an egg hitting a tile So we've got like an island And I just turned round to leave the room And I just whack Like on the Pure marble On the thing It was awful Pure marble Wow He's dancing around with us Didn't I? Can you take this seriously, please? It's all going on. I'm still working with an egg dropped on the floor. The noise was egg. An egg being dropped on a tile. Like a raw egg, like a crack. I've never heard a noise like it in my life and she just dropped to the deck. Sorry, it's not funny. Was it a bit, not a bit funny? No, no, not.

24:19No, the noise made it not funny. I don't laugh that much when people get, when they're hurt. If I'm with them and they get hurt, I don't laugh that much. In video form, quite nice. Video form, if I don't know. Front scrolling. That's the funniest thing I've ever seen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Face planting on a concrete slab. Have you got CCTV in the house? Oh, pump it in my veins. What did you say? I was only CCTV in the house. That would have gone viral. It would have. Now everyone just wants to go viral. That's how they make their money, 250 quid. Alice is not on the internet, so thinks that every clip is like you've been framed still.

24:51Was that what your reference was there, from the 250 quid? It was, 250 quid for every clip we show. So many people will not have got that at all. Sorry for being really young. We won't return your tapes. I used to think 250 quid was a lot until I worked in telly and then I worked out how long an episode of You Being Frame was. And I'm like, they were making episodes for five grand. Yeah. And it was voiceover. And it was voiceover. So there's no presenter. And that's with, oh no, Beedle. Well, yeah, Beedle, then Lisa Riley, then Harry Hill. That was Harry Hill, yeah. Are we alienating everyone?

25:22That's the real era's tour for me. you've been framed it was it was Beedle Lisa Riley from Emmerdale then it was Harry Hill yeah God I love to put it you've been framed oh yeah our kids still sometimes watch programmes like that there's there I think they're called like what are they called on YouTube just laughing or something what are they called no but the kids love it oh it's the mime one it's the French one is it it's the one they do like little mime tricks these sound like different things no oh no I know what you're thinking of it's not that this is just you being framed but on YouTube I love you describing you being framed and you're like yeah I think I know what it is Is it a subtitled film set in the countryside in France?

25:57Yeah. It's about a young woman who has a difficult relationship with her father. And I think by the end, it's different. It's different. We're talking about different things. I really wish it was that highbrow. It's basically a man like prilling a hanky out of someone's ear. I wish it was highbrow. Honestly, you've changed since you've wrote that book. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. This episode is brought to you by Netflix. The Four Seasons is back for season two, starring Tina Fey, Will Forte, Coleman Domingo, Marco Calvani, Carrie Kenny Silver, and Erica Henningsen. After a difficult year, your favorite group of friends continues their tradition of vacationing together, now with a baby in tow.

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27:15Spring just slid into your DMs. Grab that boho look for that rooftop dinner. those sandals that can keep up with you and hang some string lights to give your patio a glow up. Spring's calling. Ross, work your magic.

27:32You guys have got a story. Yes. To read out. We have no idea what this is. Okay. So really though. No, genuinely. Promise. You know what it is? You're sorry. We're too lazy. Sorry, sorry. No, I'm going to have to say it. You sound like the reviewers who reviewed our live tour. and it literally I am the reviewers the reviewer it literally said he claims he doesn't know what the emails say but he clearly does and I didn't every single night I didn't know what the emails say it's called acting darling I just riffed it's called being a god damn comedian didn't you sell out the O2 we did sell out the O2 fuck those guys that is mega fuck you O2 Wembley Palladium on the same run same night same night same night the taxi driver was loving it okay guys right 20 ,000 people over the road we're going to Wembley to do this all again And it's new emails.

28:19New emails, I promise. He claims he hasn't seen them, but he has. 45 minutes ago. Does he think we're thick? Okay. What are we doing? Are we reading one word each? I'm going past I believe. Okay. Okay. Ready? In harmony. Don't look at mine. Is it the same one or a different one? You've got the second half. Oh, right. Oh. Dear Chris and Rosie. Hello. Please keep me anonymous. Always. Let's dox them now. I'm writing to you with a dilemma. My partner and I have always had a very adventurous sex life. Good. All right, show off. and have recently got into the lifestyle. For those that are unaware, it's swinging.