Please Keep Me Anonymous with Harriet Kemsley

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0:42Gemini and Chrome is here for it. Ready to make anything online make sense? There's no place like Chrome. Check responses set up required, compatibility and availability varies 18+. coming up on this week's episode of please keep me anonymous we are joined by the very very funny harriet kemsley oh we had a lovely chat oh she's such a nice girl i'm loving getting to know all of these people it's really cool what's weird so you're sort of meeting people from the comedy circuit the backwards way like i met them all on the comedy circuit and i know the one of the comedy circuit coming up and you're meeting them like afterwards yeah it's quite cool to watch actually having a lovely chat with them we did we had an absolutely great chat with her she's on promoting her tour at the time of recording very much in the style of filler she didn't have a title it wasn't that long ago so she's only just come up with it Rosie these things I don't know how it works come on man you put it on sale before you've even written a joke that's the crack anyway it's called Floozy I'm sure she's written loads of jokes I'm sure it'll be a fantastic tour it starts autumn 2026 and you can go to harriakemsley.com for tickets we chatted about loads of stuff we chatted about a podcast that she's got with Amy Gledhill single girls in your area yep they're both single and obviously Chris and I delved into the world of single life after marriage very tempting we spoke her like she was an alien we were asking her it was literally like we didn't understand what was going on dating in her 30s but yeah I hope we didn't upset her no I don't think so we talked a bit about pelvic floors which is always interesting of course you did and she also reads out one of your disgusting filthy emails filthy it's a great chat hope you enjoy it we had a fight about the jingle jingle Jingle.

2:18We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle. So this is the jingle. Jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bab. Jingle. Hello, you're listening to Shagged, Married, Annoyed. Please keep me anonymous with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Yes, hello, and we are joined today by stand-up comedian, podcaster, famous striptease dancer in front of Bob Mortimer. It's Harriet Kemsey, everyone! What an intro! So that was from Last One Laughing on Amazon. Okay, well, yeah, from that and other things. Yeah, mainly, mainly that. And from them times you pay to go around his house.

3:06Yes, he's asked me to stop. Please stop. Yeah. Yeah. He plays you at the start. Sorry. He's just pulling down the blinds up in the garden. I can't stop. I'm so sorry. It just came off my tongue. I just thought, what am I going to say? I'll just say that. I was like, bugger it. I had a woman after it came out. I went in to get a coffee and then she went, oh my God, ping pong. I was like, that's not what you wanted to. I don't really think things through because that might have become apparent. Yeah. That's what you're going to be best known for forever now. Yeah. Just hoeing ping pong. Yeah, I guess if you've got those skills, you know, you want to flaunt them.

3:44There's a woman in Benidorm called Sticky Vicky. Oh. Have you heard of her? The name rings a bell, but you'd think that would be. Have you never heard of Sticky Vicky? Well, I feel like I've heard the phrase. Yeah, I've heard of the name. She does an act in Benidorm. She's been going for years. I'm talking, I think she's been going for about 40 years. It's probably not even sticky anymore. It's probably pretty dry now. Is she? Is she? Well, it comes to us all. she her whole act is just shooting things out of her vagina things anything anything and probably concepts places

4:19probably over 40 years she's probably I don't know what she does now but it's yeah genuinely wow I've got a lot to look up after this yeah I'm very interested I need to book I need to book a flight I've got a trip I need to take this is fascinating yeah although actually it's something quite sad I did try to look online and none of our shows are online at all you can't actually watch it famous before the internet I thought you said you were looking for like a course or something how do you do it I think you've got a stronger pelvic floor than Rosie to do that Rosie can't go on trampolines man oh no oh my god and I didn't even have them naturally no no especially when you have kids you're just like what is pelvic floor I don't even Yeah.

5:07Dodgy sneeze for me and it's gone. Like the day's ruined. The day's ruined. It's weird. Sorry. I know you might, I might just look like an absolute pig sitting here and saying these things, but it's because my cum is a package and I'm so involved in this that I can say these things. He knows all about the pelvic floor. Can you imagine a bloke? Can you imagine a bloke's podcast where he's just sitting here saying the thing? Like sometimes I sort of view myself from outside and I go, did you just say that about your wife's pelvic floor? I think it's better than the opposite, which would have been like 50 years ago or whatever, where you'd say pelvic floor and a man would vomit.

5:37So I think this is better. I've always seen my mouth, but I've learned to swallow without anyone noticing. Yeah, that's progress, actually. Yeah, thank you. I'm trying my best. Yeah, that's good. You are actually so good with stuff like that. Like, you genuinely can talk about it. I don't know. Men are loads better with things like that now. Yeah. How is your pelvic floor? It's okay. I don't think it's not excellent by any means. It's hard to know what the bar is. You know what I mean? I feel like we need to have competitions maybe to find out like I don't think I'm going to get any medals we have just we've just come up with a new game show what's it called the pelvic floor Olympics hosted by Rosie Ramsey and Holly Kemsley pull a lorry with their pelvic floor yeah that's the mine's shocking like I think just now every time I laugh like if I don't cross my legs then like I'm not good yeah you know earlier on I was crying laughing but did you notice when Greg Davies was there my legs were shut the entire time Greg if you listening that's not nothing personal me she wasn't worried it's a massive compliment yeah yeah it was funny it was very very funny um so you are here to chat about your tour yes you are going on tour i'm going on tour next year yeah it's happening it's yes it's happening it's coming good what you haven't got a name for it yet well this is what i'm trying i was trying to ride it out um but you should probably get a name before you go on podcasts yeah but i'm wanted but i like your style it's sloppy and i love it like you know what i mean no one's going to me for business advice but yeah i feel it man like name in a tour is terrifying it feels so stressful because if you you feel like if you name it the wrong thing it's gonna put people off it has to be the perfect name but you can't come up with the perfect name but you're overthinking it now yeah well i was just saying then what you realize once you finish the tour is oh my god that name meant nothing.

7:31This is it, yeah. It doesn't even... It means absolutely nothing. And if I think of anyone's shows, I'm not really thinking of their titles. I'm just thinking, oh, I want to go see that person. What's it about? So what are the main hitters? Okay, well, it's not been... This is so off-putting for everybody. It's not been written. Listen, no, no, no. No, no, no. I feel your pain here. Mine is on sale, currently nearly sold out, starts in February. and I've got half of it done. Yeah. This is the world. This is how it works. This is the world. Okay, that's reassuring for you. So it's going to be from autumn next year.

8:08Oh, you've got ages. It's October next year. You've got ages. It's going to be on sale, I think, when this comes out. And by then I will have a title. I will have images. I will have a few jokes. Great. I'm totally going to build from there. But yeah, I'm going to start previewing it properly next year. I think the thing that it's going to be about is I always just end up talking about exactly what's happening to me in my life at that moment. And so I think it's going to be kind of coming out of a marriage and have just trying to kind of like live this new life that I didn't think I was going to be living.

8:42Oh, okay. Oh, so hang on. Right, you've just come out of your marriage. Are you, childcare wise, are you 50-50? He's really good. Like we're very involved. She stays with me six nights a week and she stays with him one night a week. But often when I go away, like he'll come and stay and he'll pick her up like, like nearly 50, 50. We'll split weekends. It's just incredibly complicated because of our jobs. Of course. We can't be like, oh, you have her these three days and I'll have her these three days. Can't be set. It has to be like passing back and forth a bit. Yeah. But what I want to say, is it quite nice to have that one night?

9:18See, this is it. See, this is, this is what I thought. the thing like i always thought that but i've actually think it's not because you always you want to be with them when you're not and because you don't have that choice i think you don't want it and i actually think married people need to do this because you have the choice so you should be doing this more you should be like this is my one night a week where i do my own thing and then you're gonna have the best time so it's because divorce is like forced on you and then you don't want it but you guys should have one night a week each where you do your own things oh each i thought you're just talking to me oh no sorry yeah do you know what it is i don't even want like i just want to be in the house and i want everyone to be there but i don't want to be spoken to yeah i want them like around is that me i know exactly what you mean yeah yeah i want them to be there and i want to be in my house with my family but the bubble of love but not the demands actually not the human needs yeah they have so many needs i don't want to be doing the juice i don't be doing the juice and getting the toast uh yeah that's you i just want to be in my bedroom i want to have had a bath and i want to be in my bedroom but news are all downstairs down here he is and it's like oh they're having a lovely time do not come in my room and leave me alone for a full day you might be on something there harry you might be on something yeah because you guys have the choice like you should be making the most of this i think i see so many married couples that are together and they're trying to do things together and they're so miserable.

10:49And you're like, if you're divorced, you don't have that choice. So you guys go live your lives. You'll just come back so refreshed. I think as well. I think marriage, it's moved on a lot. And I think we can be a lot more sort of open about it. And I watched it. I don't read things. I watch videos of them. I literally nearly said I read this thing. She used to keep saying I read a fact or I read an article and it turned out it was always a video. So now she's just started saying I watched something. And now I'm like TikTok. That is progress and I'm proud of you. Thank you. I'm on it. I feel like you shouldn't have to admit that every time.

11:24I don't read. She's on her honesty journey. On my honesty journey. No, so I saw this thing. I watched a video online. And loads of couples nowadays don't sleep in the same bedroom. And it's like a really healthy thing. It's in, you know, like their husband or their partner, whatever, snores. yeah and it's like why why is everyone suffering through this stuff yeah exactly going to bed and just be like why i think marriages would last longer if we actually were a bit more honest and we're quite we're a bit like that but i think it's because we do this podcast and we're a bit we've gone past every realm of our relationship yeah that now honesty is the only way photo do you know what I mean you can't pretend it's not we cannot fake this shit so yeah I mean privilege check not everyone has another spare bedroom to just fuck off into very true people might have a shed though or something that you could sleep in maybe I mean that's gotta be some snoring if you're picking a shed sofa bed that's some serious snoring treat yourself to a sofa bed or in with the kids in with the kids babadoo babadoo babadoo bah study and play Come together on a Windows 11 PC.

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14:02Use as directed. So you are divorced and then you found yourself new single and you've got a podcast with Amy Gledhill which is called Single Ladies in Your Area. Love that title. So that's basically because you found yourself single in your 30s. Yeah. Brackets gasp. Brackets jealous. Nice. I recommend listening. You're so foolish. You're so foolish. you're so full of shit she'd be devastated you'd be devastated she'd be devastated she would you would this is a listening podcast so if you're listening i've done the biggest eye roll you can ever imagine that's such a funny thing to say about yourself she would if i left she would be devastated it's not about me it's just about she just couldn't hang it i'm telling you what i said before when i said i want you just there but not to talk to us there it is I meant you were part of that.

14:55You need us there. I'm joking. So, yeah. So what have you discovered? Like we'd never done the apps before. Like I don't know when you guys got together, but we were like, so we've never done the apps. No, no, you went on a website. Sorry, I went on plenty of fish for 24 hours. And I think where we live, there's just the same people. Not many fish. Not many fish. Yeah. and there's a few fish and they're kind of more like and I think well I entered I entered the pond and they went a bit mad and I got loads of messages it was a bit overwhelming and I don't mean that in like a in like no shut up I did use quite a nice picture I crushed the internet I did use quite a nice picture I think it was I think it was a bit overwhelming and what really put me off I came off it within 24 hours because there was a guy from school who messaged us not like hi how are you doing And it was like a stock message of, you look great.

15:55Want to meet up? And I was like, I literally went to school with you from being four. Like, it wasn't just comp. It was from four. Toby had sat next to you. What are you talking about? And he didn't. And I was like, you're just sending out a message to anyone who's new on here. You're just sending out a stock message. Yeah, you don't feel very special. So then I've never been on one since. So I haven't done Tinder or Match. Well, there's still time. There's still hope. Well, apparently not. I'm locked in front of that. There's no chance. No, I'm joking. Yeah. He's such a prick. I've often said, I am.

16:24All the rumours are true. I've often said that I'm glad I missed out on all the apps and stuff. What's it like after being married, after having a kid, after being in a relationship, what's it like going into them? Don't make it sound so fucking horrible. That is awful. And I'm not shitting on it here. I'm not. I just, personally, I couldn't be arsed is what I'm trying to say. This is part of it. It's like you have to, it's really hard to care. and it's really like I never want to give up an evening with Mabel to go and meet some loser somewhere you know that's the cause right I sounded like I was condescending now we're on the same page that's what I was trying to get at right yeah so it's very difficult because I think you also like I would at the beginning I'd like have chats with people and like build them up in my head and then I'd like turn up and meet them and I'd be so cross with them and it wasn't even their fault it was just like how dare you not be how I imagined you in my head and how I made this character and you're not that and I'll just be so cross and like want to leave immediately um and so it's been it's been like a real roller coaster because I think I came out I just thought I was gonna be married forever and so I came out and was like suddenly this like I had this identity as like married lady so I was like kind of like a bit of a prude and so we kind of came out there and it's like it's so embarrassing like the first series of the podcast is just literally me and Amy asking people how you get someone to kiss you.

17:44It's like the most fun. No, I get it. Like stuff you forgot. We forgot because we hadn't done it in like, I hadn't done it in over a decade. So like, when do you lean in? What do you do? Like, it's so pathetic. We went on one date between us the whole of the first series. Wow. I need to listen to this. Here's a question though, because are we past the age now where you can just kiss people on a night out? No, you can do it. We just didn't know how. We just didn't know how to do it because it felt so, we just, I don't know why, I just felt like this thing of like, I'm a mother. You know what I mean?

18:19I shouldn't just like snog somebody in the street. This is outrageous. And so I had to kind of like change my thinking and like calm down a bit. I've never thought about it. I'd end up formally asking if it was me. I'd literally be like, so as the day going, well, look, I'm just wondering, I was going to get the garlic bread. So do you want to do the kiss before the garlic bread? or do you want to maybe I'll maybe just I'll brush my teeth I'll have a mint and we'll do the kiss after they've got a break I watched the new Bridget Jones the other day and there's a part in it where he asks her if he can kiss her and she like in her head goes oh like they ask now that's a new thing now apparently people do ask before they kiss you right does it happen?

19:00have you? I don't think I don't think well I got a bit of a reputation in the beginning of it for lunging at people so I think Like a football hooligan Fucking most of them I'm just I'm just She's not asking She's not asking She's just going for it I'm dyspraxics My movements are a bit jarring Oh my god

19:28Oh my god So yeah We're learning We're really learning I think a lot of podcasts It's like experts Kind of talking about stuff Like it's like confident people having loads of sayings of me and Amy it's just like two really just trying their best getting some tips yeah just trying to get tips yeah I like it yeah so it's been really fun it's been really nice doing it together because it's like you have like a buddy in it and I mean we don't like we don't I think some men would be like worried that we'd like slag them off or whatever but it's more like the joke is always on us kind of unless they do something really bad then we're going to talk about it oh god imagine imagine going going for a date and being like oh my god you're going to report all of this on your podcast oh god i'd be a mess i'd be terrified people say that to us all the time anytime they're doing they're like don't mention any podcast i'm like yeah yeah be more interesting yeah no but i meant if it's like something like a date like something like you know if if yeah does anyone you've gone out with know that you do the podcast about dating and like right this is It's quite hard to hide it at this point.

20:34Yeah. Yeah. And so that is, that is, that is interesting. They live in a documentary. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't, we're not talking about it in real time. And if I think if we actually liked anybody, we wouldn't talk about it. And so it's usually like very like after the fact and it's like, oh, I was, I did this embarrassing thing or I was thinking this. It's not like, God, this guy turned up and he did this. what's your favourite kind of date I think the first date I just want to get in and out so quickly because I think you just, especially if it's from an app you just have no idea what their essence is and so the ideal is literally just a drink because it's so stressful to eat a meal in front of somebody I don't even know how to do it you're looking in the eyes you're trying to eat, I find it so stressful Then also, I don't want to go bowling.

21:31You know what I mean? It's like a difficult, it's a really difficult balance. Do you remember, do you remember being a kid and going to the pictures with someone who you fancied? Yeah, the cinema. I like you, do you like me? Let's sit in silence for two and a half hours. Oh, but then, that's it. You don't have the time for that. Yeah. But the pressure of whether they were going to hold your hand. I didn't watch a film. Yeah. I'd be sat there like this and thinking, are they going to hold, and then they hold your hand and you're like, oh my God, oh my God. And then you're like, did that hand just touch?

21:58Oh, is that by accident? Like, is he moving his legs on purpose? He touched my legs. Yeah. Is that still, does that all happen still? To an embarrassing extent. Do you feel like a kid again? Yeah, I feel a bit like a kid again. Like it is, it is, yeah, it is bizarre. Like I said, like when I was saying you couldn't, like you couldn't handle it. It's this, it's this that we couldn't do. Our brains don't work like this. Listen, I need you to know right now. I'd be absolutely fucking fine. Yeah, you'd be single forever. Don't you lie. You'd be single forever. Why would I be single forever? Because we made a pact and you're going to stick to that pact.

22:29And I'll remind you. That's one bleak pact. We did a spell. Remember we did the spell? We had the thing on the floor and the candles and we said we would die alone. Remember? We probably don't want to talk about it together, but we did it. Anyway, Rosie, give me an Amy a call if you ever need it. Need some ladies to take you out. I did tell you that if you did get some sort of disease where you couldn't look after yourself, I would stay, but I would have a boyfriend. We did discuss that. That has been discussed. I think it's a really good thing to discuss. Because I think there's something like most men just leave when something like that happens and most women stay to the bitter end.

23:02But I said the same to him. I went, if something happens to me, please look after us because I know you love us, but I would want you to still have a bit of a life. Do you have a time frame on when the girlfriend can turn up? God, like two years. Yeah. Like, can we not treat it weird? Yeah. For the kids. She knows how uncomfortable I get when she brings us on. So she's done this on purpose to make us feel even more uncomfortable than I already do. But I'm literally asking a single lady what it's like today. Yeah, it's great. I'm from you too. I've moved so much in this interview because I'm just so uncomfortable.

23:35But that is a really healthy conversation. Marriage is a really intense thing. I actually don't really believe in it. You just keep saying it. I've had a pound for every time she said marriage is a crock of shit. I've got to pay for a divorce. It's really intense. I think we got married. And we've married. I think we've married well. I think we've married the right people, dare I say, even though you won't let us get a boyfriend. But I just think it's such an intense commitment and I don't think you realise it until you're in it because I think it's all exciting and you're planning your wedding and it's a great day, but then when you're actually in it, you're like, Jesus, this is mad.

24:13Yeah, and you make decisions when you're young and then it's like people change. Yeah, totally. It's a lot, but I mean, I also am so forgetful. I'm like a goldfish I'd like get married again you know what I mean and I'd be like oh no I've done it again you know just like I've got to divorce another one it's a disaster I got swept away would you get married again? yeah absolutely I'd just forget immediately and just get married again oh god bloody female Henry the 8th look at you how many of them you killed you fucking monster I've got the divorce down and we're going beheaded next. That's the trajectory.

24:55Would you have a go-go? I haven't tried. It feels like a big swing at this point, you know, like I've lived a life. I don't think so, but you're kind of open. If you fall in love, you fall in love. Yeah, true. But I don't think it's, I don't think it's on the cards. I can't think of any other interview where the interviewer's turned and said, so would you have a go-go? Because as we all know, it's a choice. You utter psychopath. I think it's fun. because you do show me bookers and it's the same questions. I'm so sorry. No, it's lovely. And I'm going to leave and have a lot of things to think about.

25:28She asked ex-drug addict Jordan Stevens what his favourite drug was. She's a fucking animal. She can't stop, man. I asked Leanne Pinnock the day if she's ever eaten an arsehole. Yeah. And I just think I've lost the plot. She's lost her mind. And then she sits here calling me a dick. I'm the most professional one here. Swear to God. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Good energy in. Ah, good energy out.

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26:48What's your favourite like Drug Where are we going here? What's your favourite genitalia?

27:00Where are you from originally? From Kent From Canterbury in Kent Where do you live now? Are you London based? Yeah Enjoy it? Yeah I do I do really like it Yeah I do We love We really enjoy coming down, don't we? We don't live here, but we love it. We've been here for a few days. We've had a lovely few days. So that's how you do it. You do trips. You come down for a few days. Yeah, that's a nice way of doing it. It's really nice. Kid free. We do that really ridiculous, cliched 90s rom-com thing where we check in the hotel and they go like, business or pleasure? And we're like, but a ball. Oh God, I said that yesterday.

27:35We actually said it. Check in the hotel. Oh no, I hate myself. Hopefully we're both. It's like, oh God. Literally. fucking Rob Schneider a clock I'm so embarrassed about that we didn't talk I meant to say it to you in the lift but the guys came in with the suitcases but I wanted to say it to you I could have vomited in my mouth yeah yeah a bit of a blow I'm showing up for a minute I didn't think anyone said it until I heard her say it I was like no one's ever said that outside of a movie this is amazing absolutely amazing she's living a movie I'm living a movie and then and then Chris actually we need to talk about that right what next time because you know how we stayed in a nice hotel right and they were taking my bags and they were like we'll take them to the room we got in the lift and they went we'll get the next one Chris was like come in no don't please next time don't let them come in because it's so awkward and I wanted to die and they wanted to die they did not want to get in that lift with us okay so in future I just forgot to tell you I meant when we got in the room I meant to tell you but then something else so you won't go in the lift with the peasants who were carrying your bags you will go in your own lift no The peasants and your belongings that you won't carry yourself.

28:41We're going a different lift. Just for future reference, I am writing your Tinder biog. And that's going to the top. It's so fun to remember what marriage was like. It's so fun to come back and have a little trip down memory lane.