Please Keep Me Anonymous with Joanna Page

22:37Oh, no, it's the same cot that you had for all the kids. All of the children. No, you can't. I've been in the cot and I said, and aside from that, what that means to me, don't you think that that's like a really, like a bad luck thing as well? Yeah, that's a bad juju. How could you do that on our family? So he told me he took it down the tip.

22:54Rosie Ramsey:No, he's burning. Men don't give a shit. No. They do not give a shit. You would, literally, Chris would throw photos away. He's that kind of fucking devil. I swear to God. I had to tell her that that table was still in the garage. It's not. Has it gone? Has it gone? No, it better not be. I've had to go to Ikea, buy another one, and I've looked at them photos, and I'm having to dirty it up the same as the one that we had. Oh, my God. I'm joking, I'm joking, I've got it. I've still got it. It's in the garage. I've kept it in the garage. It's a bloody good job, Blake. I texted him, your heart sank.

23:24Rosie Ramsey:I texted him, because loads of people commented on the video, and they were like, you can't get rid of it. And I was like, I can't get rid of it. So, no, we're going to keep it. Because loads of people said, what about when you're like a nana and a grandma and stuff? And I was like, then the table comes out. Fuck me, we're keeping it that long. No, but you know what I've already decided? I said to James the other day, when I die, I want you to put me in the coffin and all of their artwork. Are you not going to sit in the cot? In the cot. Put us in the cot. Put us on the bonfire. Try and make the cot, right?

23:50Just extend the cot, right? And bury me in that. But all of their artwork, right, that's on the fridge and on the walls and that I've kept. I said, I want to lie in the coffin and then put all of that on top of me. And then I had to extend that then to the dog's ashes, who's already, you know, she, no, she, no, the thing. it no the two spaniel's ashes when they die they've not gone yet but when they die they'll come in with me right and then our other dog daisy or jack russell because i wouldn't cremate her so oh my god this is all right i've already you can't dig her up no you fucking haven't no she was my first ever dog that i had as an adult when i was 21 right and i was in london and i got daisy my little jack russell and so my god from the age of 21 she lived until she was 16 So we've been through like everything together.

24:39And then when she died of old age, I said, I can't cremate her. I just can't. I just can't imagine doing that. I just want to keep her. I'm just going to bury her. So that is what we did. And then we all buried her and the kids were there. And then we put her in a basket and put like loads of flowers around her and put a little blanket in. Oh, my God, it was heartbreaking. So we put her in. I was just devastated. And then now, you know, years and years have gone by. and we've moved from the house where we buried her. Day before we moved, I said to James, well, you've got to dig her up. You have to dig her up because she's my first child.

25:14She's my firstborn. You have to dig her up. And he didn't even say anything because he was like, obviously, he had to because she was coming with us. There was no way in hell she was going to be left there. I'm sorry, I'm laughing. The night before we went, right, he had, you know, a head torch on and everything and he's there digging her up. Why at night? he was putting it off and then it got to a point when he was like right you're going the next day yeah so he had to do it and he said he dug all the way down massively all the way around got like literally the whole thing out because we buried her in her basket with all the stuff and everything right and then we had to put her in like this big um you know like see-through box thing that you put clothes in and shove them up in the attic so we put her in there yeah and she's Come with us.

26:02And because I don't think we'll stay in the house that we are in, she's still in the garage now in the box. And I will never cremate her. So until we actually move somewhere where I'm like, okay, this is us retired and we're going to be here forever, we will bury her here. We'll either do that or, oh my God, this sounds awful. But if I die before then, basically that whole box is just coming in with me. Pour all of that on me as well. Put the lid down. Then you can bury me. Wow. And this does make me actually want to tell you that, oh my God, this is generally like a therapy session. I bought somebody else's dead dog the other day.

26:41This is like insane. I was... You bought someone else's dead dog. Yes, and I didn't know it was somebody else's dead dog at the time because I was in Wales and I was in a charity shop. And I love buying all sorts of like mad or sweet, cute little, you know, ornaments. I'd already bought this big fat blue tit because it had loads of symbolism on breastfeeding and all sorts of things like that. Okay, nice. And so I bought that, brought it home. It was about three quid and James was like, it's disgusting, honestly. Sorry, a blue tit, not the bird. Blue tit, bird, bird. Oh, a bird, right. Blue tit, bird tit.

27:14Okay, sorry. He was like, oh my God, it's just not very nice. I was like, it's symbolic. It means something. For what I've been through. Saw this little ornament and it's like this plastic, see-through plastic and it's about that size and about that wide and it's a cute little dog with a collar and you can see through the plastic and it's got sand inside it. So I was like, oh my God, it's like a paperweight. You turn it over, there's a little stopper in it. Right. And so I bought it and brought it home, showed it to all of my friends and they were like, it is, it's a dog's ashes. I was like, of course it's not.

27:45It's a paperweight. Look, you know, it's got sand. They said, that's not sand. Those are a dog's ashes. And they said, can you see those big solid bits which are on the top? Those are bone, which haven't, you know, gone to ash. And so I went and I went and Googled it and everything and I actually found the exact replica of it. It's a plastic little dog ashes boon thing that you put your dog's ashes in. So I brought someone else's dog's ashes from Wales all the way back home to Oxfordshire. And we've now got them in the house and James says to me every day, can we get rid of this now? And I'm like, no, you can't.

28:17I don't think you can. No, well, I said, what I'm going to do is I'm going to go on a dog walk with our dogs and then I'm going to find a nice tree and I'm going to scatter the ashes, say like a little prayer and say goodbye and then I will have felt that that's respectful. Are they not coming in the coffin with you? Surely there's room in the coffin. I know. I will not extend the invitation to somebody else's dog, but I will make sure that it's been scattered in a nice way. But that dog could have killed a kid. It could have. I mean, it could have. We don't know why it died. We don't know if it died of old age.

28:50We don't know if it was a traumatic death and we don't know if it had to be put down.

28:54Rosie Ramsey:You don't know. This is what I think about old men. you know old men sometimes I hate men alright and you think they're all sweet well everyone goes oh he comes in here every day he's such a nice guy you go I don't think he is yeah I think his whole family have cut him off because I think he's a dickhead and I think you think he's this lovely old man and oh we're buying his denies I think he's not a pervert no I think he's a fucking I think he's yeah I think he's a wrong one actually so that dog so Rosie has told me somebody has given them ashes to the charity shop he was a bad dog but they always say Rosie's told me that theory many a time I can't believe she's finally airing it on the podcast, but there it is, the old man theory.

29:31That's one. But you'll be a pervert, you don't know. Well, exactly. You two in the same room together is danger. I'm not enjoying this at all. I'm very worried.

29:38Rosie Ramsey:You don't see many women knocking about on their own, do you? True. You don't. You don't see many women. They've always got a friend or a family member. There is an old woman who used to walk up and down our street who stopped and spoke to me once and said that her whole family, children and husband and everyone else had died and she was the last one left. Or died. I was going to say it'd fall out then and then she'd probably oh no they'd all died. Really? And I felt the same as you Rosie I didn't trust her soul. How did you know she wasn't lying? Yeah so I backed the call over her and I don't regret it.

30:09Do you have her ashes? I do they're getting buried with me. I got this little plastic thing from a charity shop it's a little old woman it's a little old woman with a bow on her neck and you can see the big bits at the top they're kidney stones they didn't burn properly. But they always say it's not the dog it's the owner so if that dog did bite someone it's probably because the owner hasn't made it feel safe or in control you're totally right I don't think

30:32Rosie Ramsey:it's the dog's fault so there's not going to be I mean he wouldn't even be able to extend the cot then would he to bury me because I'm going to have so many things in that coffin with me that the cot I've never do you know what I like to think that I feel like we've got similar brains okay and I feel like just a lot going on you really have alright I've never thought about what I'm taking in my coffin with us and now I'm going to be thinking about that all afternoon I'm going to have to let him know. She's going to start a mood board on Pinterest for it. I'm now adult. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo.

31:01You two have both done Taskmaster, haven't you? Oh my, well you were both absolutely amazing because I've always been such a huge, huge fan of it. Oh, are you? Oh my God, massive.

31:11Rosie Ramsey:Well, we weren't allowed to watch it for a long time because Chris hadn't been asked to do it. Oh. I hadn't been asked to do it and our management made it and I took it as a personal affront and I wouldn't watch it until I was booked. Then once I was booked, we started watching it. Yeah, so, yeah. I'm sorry, I'm not watching it. I'm not watching that. And I love, like, you saw me on the show. I loved it. I love stuff like that. Yes. Daft little things. I get competitive. It was like, watching it before I'd been booked for it, it was like watching someone come in and have sex with my wife. Yes.

31:38I was like, I feel like this is unfair. Yeah. But we loved it. I loved it.

31:42Rosie Ramsey:It was the favourite thing I've ever done. Did you enjoy it? I was terrified at first, right? Because we've been massive fans of it. And it's something that we let all the kids watch. Yes. So we'll all sit and we'll all watch it together. Yeah. And Eva, she just loves it. But I've always thought, oh, my God, I'd never, ever do it. Because I'm an actress, right? I'm not a stand-up. I'm not a comedian. You know, I'm an actress. And I just thought, oh, my God, I just wouldn't be able to be funny or clever. I was just really, really scared. I thought, oh, my God, I'd just be terrified. And it's all, like, stand-ups and comedians.

32:08And, you know, like, working with people like that on Gavin and Stacey as well. You know, with Rob Ryden, they're so sharp and witty. And they've always got, you know, something. So I was like, oh, my God, I'd be way out of my depth. And then they asked me to do it. but then Eva said you know you've got to do it and that Christmas I bought us the Taskmaster cards as well so we'd already been playing it so I was terrified but I thought right okay this is one you have to do and you've got to do something which scares you anyway and I thought no if the kids know I've been asked now and I don't do it they will absolutely kill me so they are so excited and it's true I turned up and the two Andys you know on the first day I stood in the corridor and it just blows your mind when you see the house at first doesn't it I'm like oh my god there's the lab and there's the garden and oh my god this is just insane and I stood there for about 10 minutes going oh my god but this isn't me I'm not a comedian and I think I'm just gonna not gonna be right and then I went into the lab to do one of the first like you know tasks and I'm I'm very competitive and I love doing puzzles and quizzes and I love doing games and stuff and I went in to do the first one and I was very nervous and then my nerves got the better of me and then my you know like competitiveness kicked in and I was like oh my god stuff this I want to play yeah I just want to play and I just you know want to just do the best I can so I threw myself into it yeah they love that the fans love it when you throw yourself into it they love like people actually because if you care and you really want to do it that's that's what it's all about and you're fucking hilarious we've literally just died chatting to you like I don't know what you're thinking a lot of people think that but you thought that as well you had the same thing you were like I'm not a comedian should I do taskmaster it's different doing stand-up is completely different yeah you don't have to kind of be do you just gotta I think anyone could do it and you open it and as long as you're sort of like just impulsive and you just, I was very much, right, boom, this is what I'm going to do and I'm going to go straight with it now.

33:50But the show, it's deliberately set up for people to just be funny. Yeah. And it's just brilliant. I mean, your line-up, the line-up of your series is unbelievable. Amy Gledhill, Armando Onucci, Joel Domit and Kamel, which is, he's a huge star now. He's amazing. Oh, my God, we were all, I just remember, there's one bit where we're talking about his arms, like, yet again. Yeah. And he's just so hunky and just beautiful and just so funny. and oh my God, and he was so sometimes quite cutting and argumentative sometimes. And that was like, but in a funny way. And that was just hilarious. And he's really, really funny.

34:24Joel is like a golden retriever. Oh, Joel's gorgeous. Oh my God, he's just gorgeous. Joel dollars the man, yeah. Amy, I think I finally met someone who's got as strong an accent as me and she's just absolutely brilliant. And then, oh my God, when I found out that it was Armando, I was like, oh my God, oh my God. Oh my God, I can't believe it. And it was just terrible. And then you meet him and he's just absolutely adorable. Comedy royalty, yeah. But it's funny because you're just like, yeah, he is. He's like, oh my God, it's Armando Iannucci.

34:49Rosie Ramsey:I can't wait to watch him. So yeah, we have a laugh. I don't think I've ever laughed right this much ever on a job. I just laughed and laughed and laughed. I was the same. Just so relaxed and just enjoyed it. Yeah. Yeah, loved it. Oh, well, that's exciting. I can't wait to see that. Oh my God, it's on tomorrow. Yeah, it's on tomorrow. But we record this. This comes out and it's on tomorrow. It's on the 9th of April. Amazing. So it's going to be great. Yay! I am your host, Stassi Schroeder. Welcome to Tell Me Lies, the official podcast. What's the most unhinged thing of season three? Steven, because he's so evil.

35:24I do think he is misunderstood. You see everyone face consequences. It's intoxicating. The writers just know how to trick you. There's always a twist in this show. It's nothing you would expect. Tell Me Lies, the official podcast. now streaming and stream the new season of Tell Me Lies on Hulu and Hulu on Disney+. I get so many headaches every month. It could be chronic migraine, 15 or more headache days a month, each lasting four hours or more. Botox, on a botulinum toxin A, prevents headaches in adults with chronic migraine. It's not for those who have 14 or fewer headache days a month. Prescription Botox is injected by your doctor.

36:01Effects of Botox may spread hours to weeks after injection, causing serious symptoms. Allerge your doctor right away as difficulty swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems, or muscle weakness can be signs of a life-threatening condition. Patients with these conditions before injection are at highest risk. Side effects may include allergic reactions, neck and injection site pain, fatigue, and headache. Allergic reactions can include rash, welts, asthma symptoms, and dizziness. Don't receive Botox if there's a skin infection. Tell your doctor your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions, including ALS Lou Gehrig's disease, myasthenia gravis or Lambert-Eaton syndrome, and medications, including botulinum toxins, as these may increase the risk of serious side effects.

36:35Rosie Ramsey:Why wait? Ask your doctor. Visit BotoxChronicMigraine.com or call 1-800-44-BOTOX to learn more. Um, are you stuck staring at your W-2? Are tax refund worries holding you back? You probably have FOMO, the fear of messing up. The fix? Using TurboTax on Intuit Credit Karma. They find every credit and deduction to help you get every refund dollar you deserve or your money back. It's time to overcome your fear of messing up and get your taxes done right. Start filing today in the Credit Karma app. We need to do this story. You've got a story. We don't know what this is. Can't be any more mental than any of your stories.

37:22Rosie Ramsey:It's going to be more unhinged than what has come out of me. I've thoroughly enjoyed this This has been amazing We haven't even talked about Gavin and Stacey I know We're big fans by the way Love it Yeah Oh huge Love it love it love it Absolutely buzzing that you're here Right Dear Chris and Rosie Please keep me anonymous Yes After hearing the stories About weird spreadsheets people keep I wanted to share my story with you Not a spreadsheet But something just as harrowing This story will age me slightly When I was about 14 The local shops were full of magazines like Just 17, Cosmopolitan, Sugar and Marie Claire.

38:01Rosie Ramsey:Yes. There was a magazine called More, which was definitely the more risque magazine. Yeah, I remember that. I had that on subscription. Yeah. And Just 17 as well. Well, that was, can I just say, that was a part of the magazines that all sounded like sex words. More. Now. Heat. Yes. Miz, I remember Miz. Oh my God, I loved Miz. Miz was cute, wasn't it? Yeah, that was really good. Yeah. My mate was Ms. Magazine, Top Television, Tottie 2001. Oh my God, who was he? Neil Granger. Neil Granger. Neil Granger. Yeah, yeah. Ms. Magazine, Top Television, Tottie 2001. What was he in at the time? Was it Crossroads?

38:34Rosie Ramsey:Crossroads, I think he was in. Yeah, yeah. He then played, he then played, we were in, so you know Chris Gernan? Yes. So Chris Gernan directed the first series of Heaven, the sitcom I was in, which was Baby Cow as well. And it was just after, she gave me the full Gavin and Sissy Pock set because I hadn't seen it all at the time and she literally brought it and gave us it and I binged it while I was on Heaven oh my god that's amazing I love Chris she's just amazing she's fantastic fantastic anyway sorry sorry sorry I would buy Jess 17 but secretly read my older sister's copy of More from cover to cover oh yeah it included loads of gossipy stories fashion tips but best of all sex advice and I remember this a position of the week position of the week do you remember position of the week I do yes oh my god it's all coming back I thought it was just boys magazines that had this No, there was sexy bits in this.

39:21Yeah, position of the week. Position of the week. How long does that feature run? It was every week. It was, yeah. 52 % week. When are we using them? Yeah. Missionary again. Like, what's going on? Missionary but slightly on and on. I remember looking at all of them, yeah, and not doing any of them. I didn't even kiss anyone until I was 17. But I was just like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Position of the week. I'm sorry. After a month, I've ran out. Can you imagine coming up with all of this? On the other side. It was every week. On your left side. Yeah, one arm behind your back. Fuck, you know.

39:55They lifted this time, but pointed feet. Yeah, fingers crossed.

39:58Rosie Ramsey:But it was always different and there was a full explanation. But like you say, I was so young and I was literally like, absolutely not doing tips. I was like, oh my God, nobody will even kiss me yet. I'm never going to get to do anything like that. Real life Julia, Julia. The magazine got shared around friends at school, siblings at home and then ended up in the bin. Or so I thought. Oh, God. Years later, when we were moving house, I was helping my mum pack her bedroom up. I went under the bed and found a lovely Liberty-esque gift box. I opened it, thinking it would be full of mementos from our childhood, first teeth, baby wristbands, etc.

40:39But no. The box was full of... Stop. You've got to guess what this is now.

40:45Rosie Ramsey:Is it... I always tell Chris off because he guesses it right every single time. But I feel like... I'm going to go full in with cutouts of every position of the week. It might be that. A calendar of position of the week. Is that under our mum's bed? What the hell? Do you want me to read it? Yeah, go on. My mum had collected our discarded copies of more magazines, cut out the position of the week, and kept them in a beautiful box under her bed. I was absolutely mortified and stuffed the box back under the bed. Not only was my mum still having sex, but she had a catalogue of various positions that she must have been using for reference.

41:26I was horrified. I am now older than my mum was all those years ago and find it hilarious at how absolutely appalled I was. That's fantastic.

41:37Rosie Ramsey:It's really kind of liberating. It's quite cool and sweet. but at the same time I love the idea that the mum she'd get them out she'd shuffle them and she'd go go on Terry pick one this week see which one we're doing this week Terry I can remember was it like stick figures yes it was like there'd be a picture of it and then a full explanation but why keep it in such like a beautiful I know that I wouldn't be arsed to keep it in like a beautiful box I just sort of I'd probably have it in a carrier bag or like something like oh you know Or just in my head going, oh, what one do you fancy now? You would remember, wouldn't you, surely?

42:17Yeah. But I mean, it's kind of romantic because these days you just kind of go, oh, God, if we need something to bring, what's on? Let's have a look on here. Yeah. But so, I mean, that's quite sweet. I love that. I love it. I wouldn't know if I wanted to pick them up and like hold them because I'd be a bit like, oh.

42:32Rosie Ramsey:I'm all right for positions, though. Like loads of different. I don't get that. Well, I think that I get to a certain age now that I'm kind of like, there's only so many. and there's only so many. I'm tired. I know, I know. I'm tired. You know I'm tired. Well, sometimes, I'm really graphic but sometimes I'm like, can I just be the one lying down? Yes! Yes! And not do anything? Can I just lie here? about like trying to conceive like towards like probably about our third one? I sometimes would just be like, right, come on, just get on with it. Get yourself going. Right, just shove it in for the last bit because I just can't be arsed now.

43:08No, but I sometimes

43:13I'll pause the telly, right? Go on. Cool. Okay, we're done.

43:18Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, great. Shove it in for the last bit. Yeah, it's so true. It's so true. I have thoroughly enjoyed this. Thank you so much. Oh my God, it's been a pleasure. And you're obviously going to promote your new book about conception called Shove It In For The Last Bit. Do you know what, right? I'm going to keep that title. And if I do any parenting book or anything right, I think I genuinely, I wrote a memoir right last year. And I wanted to call it Breathe Through Your Anus. Because it was all about like my life and drama school. And that's why there was me and this actress, Maxine Peake, right?

43:51And we were squatting around our class, our larven class, with the teacher going, breathe through your anus. And I was in hysterics because I just thought this is just hilarious and ridiculous. And she was just like, oh my God, this is awful. And I said, well, that is like, that is me. That is what I want to call it, breathe through your anus. and they said we can't sell that in supermarkets they won't have the word anus over the front

44:11Rosie Ramsey:so let's call it Lush so I was like okay I'll let that one go I like Breathe Through Uranus because I couldn't get Breathe Through Uranus I'm just going to find anything else it's going to be shoved in for the last bit and while you're at it Breathe Through Uranus thank you so much this has been amazing thank you oh my gosh thank you I love that what a chat

44:38Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Spring just slid into your DMs. Grab that boho look for that rooftop dinner, those sandals that can keep up with you, and hang some string lights to give your patio a glow up. Spring's calling. Ross, work your magic.