Please Keep Me Anonymous with John Robins

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1:10Don't receive Botox if there's a skin infection. Tell your doctor your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions, including ALS Lou Gehrig's disease, myasthenia gravis or Lambert-Eaton syndrome, and medications, including botulinum toxins, as these may increase the risk of serious side effects. Why wait? Ask your doctor, visit BotoxChronicMigraine.com, or call 1-800-44-BOTOX to learn more. Hello! On this week's episode of Please Keep Me Anonymous, we are chatting to comedian John Robbins. Oh, we had a fantastic chat with John. Now, John came on to do Please Keep Me Anonymous, which is obviously, as everyone knows, he reads a letter from your wonderful listeners, a story about something normally horrific.

1:46But to be fair, John, he surprised us with a couple of his own horrific stories. I wasn't expecting it at all. I wasn't at all, no. His story was a lot funnier than the one we'd given him, which was a bit of a letter. But that's what you expect from comedians, to be fair. Absolutely. To be fair. Nice guy. I'd never met him before. I've known John for years. Worked on the circuit with John. Yeah, very, very funny comedian. He won the Edmund Comedy Award. Same year. Him and Hannah Gadsby shared it. Shared it. Shared it. Shared it one year. He's on talking about his podcast, How Do You Cope? And his book, Thirst, 12 Drinks That Changed My Life, which is available for pre-order now, I do believe.

2:22Really interesting chat. He's a very interesting guy. He's a very interesting guy. I hope you all enjoy it as much as we did.

2:43I feel like I've stepped into a very swish world. You're both very tanned. We've just been to Portugal. Your skin is very clear. I got up early to get a train into London. I feel like I've been dug up. You know when like you get somewhere and everyone else is wearing makeup for filming and you're not. And you think, I look normal, but I'm now going to look ill. Right. I've got makeup in my bag. Do you want some makeup? I have decided I can't go down that road. Okay. Because that way madness will lie. I'll end up getting like surgery on bags under my eyes and stuff. I've often said this. I don't, the reason, one of the reasons I absolutely hate wearing makeup for TV stuff.

3:27Have you got, you've got makeup today. What an offensive question that asks someone who's clearly been in the makeup chair for three hours. He just uses my makeup artist, that's all I guess. I've always said, taking it off, it's like getting really ill really quick when you take it off. Do you know what I mean? You just, and not to let everyone behind the curtain here, John, but the first thing you did say when you walked in was, I'm really sweaty off the tube. I am very sweaty off the tube. And I said, you're keeping it real. I am keeping it real. but it's so strange how like I mean this is a great set up this is very cool it's going to look fantastic but it's mad how quickly podcasts have become TV shows yeah she's fuming about it I'm seething and like all of the podcast creators are thinking right how do we put out full length video episodes and you're like hang on yeah this is good so it's almost like a TV person going how do we just put out the audio of Mock the Week 100 % and they're probably thinking of that which so eventually they're going to like swap over and everything on telly is just going to be audio and everything that was audio is going to be on telly but it's so much better than when we started on BBC and on XFM, me and Ellis it was like voice activated CCTV cameras so it always looked like you were being interrogated in an episode of 24 Hours in Police Custody and they'd put these out and you'd think this looks like we're in prison, this is terrible My faces are really small.

4:50Yeah, yeah, yeah. We used to have like a GoPro on the mic there. And it was the worst angle of anything I've ever seen in my life. It's like, GoPro's like a footage from a Mars rover. Yeah, yeah. Of like a little robot trying to find water. Well, you're fuming, aren't you? Because you normally would be in pyjamas. You'd put your fake tan on. Now we've got to get ready for the pot. It's really starting to feel like work. I'll be honest with you. It's really pissing me off. Do you know what I heard someone say the other day? a young person said what podcasts do you watch? Shut up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

5:23We used to take the mick out of people who said that but now it, yeah, it is a thing. So older people used to say, no offence here to anyone but older people used to say to me yeah, I watch your podcast and I was like oh, bless them. But now younger people are saying what podcasts do you watch? God. Should I be delivering this straight down the gun? No, you've got to pretend, apparently you've got to pretend like they're not there. I'm just going to answer every single question. I've heard down the barrel. I've never heard down the gun. You made it sound even more dark. Someone once said to me, if you're ever doing filmed stand-up, pretend the camera is the person in the audience you fancy.

6:00So you, like, look at them at all the best lines. Do you guys do that? Is that a thing you do? Right, right. Do you pick someone you fancy? That's great. It's a great piece of advice. Before I was happily married. But yeah, you would if you were, you know, I mean, come on, we've all done the uni circuit. or more younger men, me and you, back in the day. We certainly did. And you would, you would, yeah. But it went, oh my God, I did do that. Yeah, all the lines that make you sound cool and sensitive or very witty, you just like, just pop the old eyes over to the camera. Oh my gosh. Do you know what's sad about that?

6:30That's amazing. And then just hang around at the bar for an hour afterwards waiting for the camera to turn up and then thinking, I think the camera's gone home. And just, why do you bother? You have to stay over now, I'm going to get a travel lunch. I hate it so much. Is this why you guys got into comedy? No, not at all. Do we have gone for attention? Oh man, there's one. To fill the Gabon Hall of Darkness? There's one story about a guy who used to do, when he did Jonglers, he would go to the bar and he would say, look, after the show, if I meet someone, I'm going to come up to you and I'm going to say, can I get a bottle of your finest champagne?

7:10And you're going to say, I'm sorry, we've run out of champagne, but we've got Prosecco. Right. And then he would meet someone and say, would you like to come back to my hotel room for some champagne? And then go to the bar and say, can I have a bottle of your finest champagne? Then they would say, we've only got Prosecco. He'd save himself, you know, 100 quid or whatever. Anyway, he did it so many times. This barman got so annoyed that he sourced a bottle of really, really expensive champagne. so he goes have a bottle of your finest champagne please and he goes here you go it'll be 500 quid

7:53I love that so much serves them right serves them right anyway let's not get too down about how tawdry the circuit used to be it used to be but thankfully it's better it is now it's all good but it is not perfect my friend's just started comedy she's been doing it for about a year maybe two years maybe two years and she's like on the circuit now but obviously she's a man with two kids and I'm going to see her show in a couple of weeks and I'll get all the gossip from her it should be a lot better I think people are a lot better now even them things I think they happened before we even started them once yeah but I think maybe there's still bad behaviour I mean what we're talking about is sort of sort of grim but not yeah particularly awful but there's i think there's more of a sense of support groups and networks and whatsapp groups and you know people kind of watching each other's back and calling out bad behavior fingers crossed brilliant because obviously chris you and i are the good guys well and that's what good guys say at the minute guys you're the good guys but listen times change i was always i was always driving home me i never even stayed for a drink i was rubbish absolutely rubbish but look we're not here to talk about how tawdry the circuit is How Do You Cope is the title of your podcast.

9:13Because obviously you do the podcast with you and Alice. You're doing the podcast tour with you and Alice. It's nice going on tour with somebody else. It is, yes. We love Dawa tour. You get a bigger car. You do get a bigger car. The seats fall down as tables and I'm so excited. We're going to take double, uno. Well, I'm going to take lots of books about trauma to read. as research for my other podcast. And we're back on track. So, your other podcast. Yes. How do you cope? Yes. So, yeah, there's probably about 30 episodes of that out now. And I'm very grateful to be able to speak to people at length about difficult things they've experienced, how they got through them, coping mechanisms, tools they use to cope with anything from addiction, eating disorders mental illness mental health problems grief um injury but actual health problems you've had matt ford on who yeah 40 cancer yeah um that's one of the one of the best things i've ever been involved with uh interviewing matt because his i mean what he went through was so extreme so painful he had his uh he well he had cancer in his spine yeah he had a sarcoma so he had part of his spine removed he lost function with his bladder he had part of his intestine removed I mean it was wild and it was sorry when I heard about it he had a pain in his back at Edinburgh Fringe just in case Rosie's not aware of this he had a pain in his back on stage at the Edinburgh Fringe and he thought he'd just pulled a muscle in his back but then all this happened obviously for me it was so weird because 40 was 40 it was like invincible absolutely bulletproof If you would think, no, he was just the life and soul of the party.

11:06I mean, he's still working. He's going from strength to strength, which I'm so happy about. But it was one of them things where you go, oh, shit, this can happen to anyone. Because this has happened to 40. And he wasn't just the life and soul of the party. He was the life and soul of the cancer ward. We were joking. Well, it made him laugh. But, like, he was cheering me up when I came to visit him. Because I was in the middle of a tour. I was absolutely like I was flat I was down I was just exhausted and there's a guy lying in a bed who's being turned twice a day so he doesn't get bed sores with a scar literally all around his arse and he's going cheer up it's going to be worse but it was great and I ate too much custard and got like a sugar crash that's such a sad thing to see The canteen in the hospital was so good that I ate this big pudding with loads of custard.

12:05That's the worst. But the interview with Matt is a lesson in mindset. Really? Yeah. And like Matt was saying, this is really useful for anyone going through any difficult situation. It doesn't have to be as extreme as that. But the first thing to go wrong, right, is not in your control. Whether that's getting cancer, someone dying, your partner leaving you, you know, work problems. But the second thing you do have control of is how you react to it. And that's not to say that everyone, you know, who gets diagnosed with cancer should feel pressure to suddenly be like skipping down the street or whatever.

12:40Yeah, yeah. But it's like, there's a phrase in, that I heard in, in recovery is choose your hard, choose what's hard for you. Wow. And cancer is hard. Yeah. And it's going to put you in places you never imagined you were going to be emotionally and physically. so don't do your best to like not add on extra stress and i think a lot of what matt was saying is a lot of people who've experienced cancer in themselves find that they are the ones sort of geeing up their family yeah yeah because they need the uh sort of atmosphere around them to just be as kind of stress-free as possible yeah so that's just an example of one episode we also I also interviewed Amanda Knox, who you guys will remember very much like in the news when we were at uni, who was wrongfully convicted of the murder of a student in Italy.

13:36Yeah. And she went to prison for, yeah, you might see the Netflix documentary. Yeah. I love true crime. I've listened to all the kind of true crime podcasts. So, yeah, I know a lot about that. So chatting to her was wild. Wow. I mean, you've got, yeah. I mean, yeah, Sophie Willen, Joe Wicks, Alistair Campbell, Rosie Jones, Matt Ford, Anton Ferdinand, Leslie Ash, Amanda Knox. I mean, incredible list of names there. And yeah, I mean, Sophie Willen's got an incredible past as well. Yes. Because we've all seen Alma's Not Normal. Oh, yeah. And it's based on her life. What a show that is. Such a good show, isn't it?

14:09Yeah. Amazing show. It's masterful. Yeah. And what it captures is the, how frustrating, exhausting and funny mental illness is. Like there are funny elements in that, that you know have come from someone who has lived experience of that situation. You can always tell that when something, when you're watching anything like that, you can always go, so that happened to someone. Just any situation in a sitcom or anything like that, you go, I know that's come from truth. you just tell you can feel it you almost taste it when you're laughing at it you know what i mean yes because it's absurd you go from the like just the most stressful um infuriating painful moments to moments of complete absurdity yeah and and uh ridiculousness and that's what that captures and chatting to Sophie about her experience of growing up in the care system, which is in Alma's Not Normal, is getting her file from the authorities and just suddenly finding out all this stuff.

15:19And about her therapy journey and how she's managed to cope with that through through getting therapy so yeah i mean it's heavy at times but it sort of has to be because the stuff is serious life is heavy but there's also like much more laughter than you would expect yeah um because because there are moments where you're like you have to laugh you absolutely do yeah um and it's really great to be able to speak to people at length because i think even though you know we film it and we release clips on social media there's such a pressure now to have everything in 90 seconds yeah and when you're sometimes less me yeah yeah and when you're talking about wellness or therapy or trauma if you put something in like a 60 second clip it ends up sounding really glib because you're just chucking in loads of jargon so you're just saying you've got to be the real you yeah and it's like what does that mean what's the process of that who am i yeah that's not something you can really get into a 60 second clip yeah so to be able to talk to someone for an hour an hour and 20 i think amanda knox was um is i i'm very i feel very lucky to be able to do that eczema is unpredictable but you can flare less with epglyss a once monthly treatment for moderate to severe eczema.

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18:36Has it been a good process for you, personally? I don't know whether I am slightly anal about this, but if someone's got like a book, or two books, or three books, I have to have read them all before I interview them, because I don't want, I'm sort of like, they're being so generous with their time, and how candid they're talking, that I feel I owe it to that process to read all the stuff. Yeah. and what that means is i feel very well prepared so i've got lots of good questions and people you know the feedback has been that that i'm like well-informed interviewer and i ask the right stuff but that does is that a dig no no no no that's a very good question that you've asked but it's like no i just think sometimes how do you how do you read three books quickly you can't so it takes But not just that, I'm a kind of person where if I take on a lot of people's things, I know you are not that person, no disrespect, you're a lovely man.

19:37People tell her stuff. But people tell, I don't know why, but then I take it all on and then sometimes it can be really heavy, it can weigh heavy on you. So I'm always sort of in the world of something quite full on, whether it's reading or interviewing or writing the questions. however I am lucky in that at time of going to press I don't have kids I'm not in a relationship you know this is a positive spin so I have time to decompress and I think you know even if it's getting back from a recording 8 in the evening I come home I put on some ambient music I do like word games or crosswords I just have like an hour to like go on standby.

20:27Whereas I think if I was coming back and I was making dinner for my kids and I was all like caring for someone or whatever the stresses and strains of life are, I would find it difficult. But I get out of it as much as I put in and I have learned a lot. And there are things people have talked about that really, really helped me. That's good. So that's good. That's good. I will listen. I'm going to listen. 100 % because you won the Edinburgh Comedy Award for a show My blushes I'll fix that, sorry, you shared winning the Edinburgh Comedy Award Hannah Gadsby, you and Hannah Gadsby won the same year and that was for a show all about your mental health That was a show about, well I'm writing a book at the minute which I can talk about which is a book about alcohol, a book about my life sort of through alcohol because I've been sober for two and a half years.

21:23Well done. And that show was ostensibly like, how low can you go and still laugh at it? That was sort of the theme of that show. And I really enjoyed the writing process because it was like, okay, here's 10 of the worst, maddest things that have happened to you and you've done. What's funny about them? And that's a really nice challenge as a comedian and as a writer and someone who likes, you know, getting involved in getting your fingers dirty in the stuff of life. And I was very, you know, so many shows in Edinburgh are fantastic. And I don't think mine is any better than anyone else's. But to have that show recognised.

22:08I got nominated. Got nominated. Thank you, John Knows. See? Yeah, he got the nod. He's read my three books that I've released about being nominated and not winning. call it the bitterness trilogy but yeah that book is available for pre-order now it's called thirst it's all going on nice thirst i like it they talk of my drinking but never my thirst nice an old proverb and it's sort of 12 drinks that changed my life a chapter on each one nice that'll be available to pre-order now That's available to pre-order now. Now, talking of reading, would you like to do the job you have come here to do? Absolutely.

22:47And read out some. So if you've never heard our podcast, I mean, you're very busy reading and doing different things. We've got incredible listeners who send us their, I mean, some are our deepest, darkest confessions. Some of them might not be, but they send us their most embarrassing moments. And they always say, please keep me anonymous. And we always do. We always do. So you are here to read something out. We've never heard these. No. No? This is nice for me because this is normally my job. So I'm enjoying not having to do this. And B, you always get to do the reaction. Yeah, I like to call it judging.

23:20I like to do the judging. I judge these people quite strongly. So let's dance. Okay, here we go. Dear Chris and Rosie, I'm a dental nurse and have had to deal with a fair number of unpleasant encounters. Not long ago, we had a patient who explained that he had recently bought some halva. Am I saying that right? What is halva? I don't know what halva is. It's a nutty Eastern European dessert, not unlike nougat. Okay. The patient explained that while eating, he had bitten into something hard and a piece of his tooth came loose. Not good. He bought the piece of tooth in with him as proof. after a lengthy inspection of the reported damage the dentist turned to the patient and said well what do you think they said i've got i think i know what this is what what do you think i have no idea i think i've got it and it's made us really upset that's not a piece of your tooth bullseye yes oh my god it was someone else's tooth This is a piece of tooth, sir, but it doesn't belong to you.

24:31As you can imagine, the colour drained from the patient's face. The jolly dentist ended on a positive note. Look on the bright side. Your teeth are a picture of health. So his tooth hadn't broke. He just ate someone else's tooth. There was some tooth in whatever that mixture was. I wouldn't recover from that. Well, this has actually happened to me. No way! yeah so i don't eat meat okay uh haven't eaten meat for i don't know 10 years 12 years or something wow one of the experiences that led to me not eating meat and i'll tell you the second one but it's gross but i want to know we want both we want both the first one i was making some mince i was making bolognese and um you know you empty the big slab of mince into the pan put the onions in the wet wipe off all the other bits and bobs so I'm eating my bolognese and I get that horrible like grinding crunch of something that shouldn't be in there and it's half a cow's tooth and a cow's tooth is big it's like three times the size of a human tooth and it's just been obviously inside this mince and I'd taken it for like a lump of onion or a garlic or whatever.

25:50What a delicious looking garlic clothe. And it just suddenly, when you have a moment that makes you see the product as, oh, this is a living thing that's been blasted with some high pressure gun and just like crushed into a field. You wouldn't recover from that. I would be exactly, I would never eat meat again if that happened to me. I would never eat it again. When I cook with chicken, this very little chicken goes into the actual dish because I have to cut most of it off for Chris. See, I'm not that squeamish me. I probably would have went, oh. Sorry, sorry. I probably would have sucked round it.

26:24Rosie, that's not the disgusting story. Oh, okay, okay. I'm freaking out here. Let's go. Do you mind sharing the disgusting one? No. As long as you don't mind never eating meat again. No, no, come on. I'll delete it. She loves a bit of gristle. I suck a bit of prawn head and all that. I quite like it. I don't mind it, mate. I don't mind it. I suck a bit of prawn head. I suck a bit of prawn head. The Autobiography by Rosie Ramsey That'll be my book

26:51Rosie Ramsey You suck on that prawn head That's one of the worst things you've ever said You know I do, it makes you feel sick John is an author, a broadcaster, an Edinburgh comedy winner I am a scoge I think if you're going to eat meat The kindest act to that animal is to eat all of it Oh yeah Suck on that prawn head I do Because if the prawn dies, the prawn gets killed And I do eat prawns actually But if the prawn dies and you go, oh, by the way, we're just going to chuck your head in the bin. You're like, come on. Exactly. Respect. That's a really good vibe. Okay, then what is the disgusting one?

27:23Is it pork? Because pork is my favourite meat. It's not pork. Okay, good. So this was in, this was 10 years, no, this would have been 12 years ago. This is the last time I ever ate meat. Sorry, so you went back after the mince? Went back after the mince. The mince put a bit of doubt in the old mind So anyway I'd been staying with my girlfriend at the time Who was vegan And hadn't eaten meat for a week So I come back from hers on the train To my stop I've been thinking about this all week I will live your vegan lifestyle If I can have my entire chicken Come out of the station Give them my card And I say I would like one entire chicken please I sit down at a table on my own And they bring it over and it's like you know they it's not like no it's in heart it's in quarters so it's like two halves of the it's a it's a thing of beauty at first so i'm jumping away through my chicken i'm eating my sides and then i turn the chicken over and the the quarter that's of the body is like the rib cage right so i turn it over yeah in the rib cage is a tumor oh this chicken obviously when it died had an enormous tumor in its rib cage and i something clicked in my head and i went you're never ever doing this again wow and it was not just the sort of disgusting element of like discovering a tumor in a chicken's rib cage in a restaurant but it was it was a sudden realization this is a living thing yeah this thing suffers and and pecks at the dust and feels the breeze on its feathers and feels that it was all this stuff just came flooding to me at once was like this isn't meat this is a corpse right oh i was like oh wow i'm not gonna do that again and um that was it that was it yeah oh my god what sorry it's quite gross did it have sauce on it or was it just dry it was hot he's just told this story it's really quite a deep story and you want to know whether it was medium or lemon and herb no just the tumor itself.

29:55Was it not just awful? No, it was like attached to the, it was like a brown sausage attached to the interior of the ribcage. Okay, that's sad. That is sad.

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31:35that's why I go chicken breast I'm not pulling stuff apart off a thing I'm really squeamish you tell me all the time to go vegetarian you're like if you're not ready for the bits of stuff go vegetarian I think you're disrespectful to the animal I think John would agree Chris is Chris is like I'll not eat this unless it's totally perfect I'm like if you're not going to eat it in its natural form how it's meant to be ate like off the bone you know people who are like I can't eat off the bone I'm like you're eating an animal you are eating an animal like you need to respect the animal also like people often talk about you know do you miss meat and they're always imagining the best meat ever yeah but the great thing is you avoid crap meat yeah which is most of the meat yeah So like, you know, I've never, I haven't for years had to have, you know, in like hotel breakfast buffets, that silvery greenish bacon.