In short
Stand-up comedian Laura Smyth discusses her path from teaching to comedy, balancing motherhood with touring, and the frustrations of school/work autonomy. She also shares personal stories about cancer surgery, a bruised toe, pandemic lockdown derailing gigs, and “green room” comedy culture. The episode includes a “Please Keep Me Anonymous” listener story about getting very drunk at uni, falling asleep in a boyfriend’s puffer coat, and accidentally setting it on fire.
Guests
Laura Smyth (UK stand-up comedian; promoting her 2026 UK tour starting September; also has the podcast Shouldn’t Laugh But with her best mate). She previously taught (primary and later secondary up to A-level) and won Funny Women, later getting signed and touring.
Notable examples
winning Funny Women after a writing course; Strictly-related tour timing then COVID lockdown; Apollo comedy club experiences; listener’s burnt puffer coat story.
Key claims
teaching shaped her “roll up, roll up” stage style; she coped with cancer by “keeping going” and even buying a £400 wig; she prefers control over surprises when planning outings.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOLaura Smith's Comedy Journey
1:14 to 3:18
Discussing Laura Smith's career and experiences in the comedy industry.
“I would genuinely, I would love to see her live.”
Teaching and Stand-Up Comedy
3:18 to 6:30
Exploring the balance between teaching and pursuing a stand-up comedy career.
“But I did, I sort of thought, oh, I've got to keep going.”
Impact of COVID on Performers
6:30 to 8:14
Reflecting on how the pandemic affected stand-up comedians and performances.
“But people try to get Fridays and Saturdays.”
Touring Experiences
14:00 to 16:40
Laura shares her excitement about her upcoming tour and experiences at iconic venues.
“Going to Ireland, Belfast, and most of the rest is UK.”
The Comedy Store Journey
16:40 to 19:20
Discussing the challenges and experiences of performing at The Comedy Store.
“You know sometimes when you're on a circuit with people talking about people that aren't very good at it, you go, are you even from a funny family?”
Family and Comedy Origin
19:20 to 23:20
Laura reflects on her upbringing in a funny family and her journey into comedy.
“So then when I was going back to work after my third child, so Alfred, who's nearly eight on, on April Fool's day, I, he was, yeah, one years old, he's going back to seven years and I signed up to a full writing course.”
Teaching and Stand-Up
23:20 to 27:20
The transition from teaching to stand-up comedy and its impact on her style.
“It doesn't mean that they're not going to be successful in whatever they do.”
Shouting and Stage Frustrations
28:00 to 28:31
Discussing the challenges of performing while people are unresponsive.
Life with Three Kids
29:02 to 31:05
A humorous exploration of the dynamics and experiences of raising three children.
“So yeah, Rosie was about 12 when Bon was Bonnie.”
Sibling Dynamics and Careers
31:05 to 33:09
Discussion about sibling roles in families and their career paths.
“I've got a younger brother who's a plasterer.”
Show all 14 chapters
Personal Relationships and Surprise Trips
33:09 to 35:15
Conversations about expectations in relationships regarding planning and surprises.
“I went, I can't just see what I'm fucking dealing with here.”
A Hilarious Dating Disaster
35:15 to 38:13
Storytelling about a comical relationship mishap involving a fire and an ex's coat.
“You would get there and you'd go, well, why didn't you tell us this?”
Travel Preferences and Experiences
38:13 to 42:00
Light-hearted debate about travel preferences and dream destinations.
“Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous.”
Safari Adventures and Family Recommendations
42:00 to 44:31
The hosts discuss travel preferences, particularly regarding safaris and family-friendly destinations.
“Can you imagine if he booked you a little cruise?”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Legally, we can't say drinking Storm makes you smarter and more focused. But with zero sugar, 200 milligrams of caffeine, and immunity support, you're smarter and more focused for drinking Storm. Storm. Good energy in, good energy out. Energy for life. Girl, winter is so last season. And now spring's got you looking at pictures of tank tops with hungry eyes. Your algorithm is feeding you cut-offs. You're thirsty for the sun on your shoulders. that perfect hang on the patio sundress those sandals you can wear all day and all night and you've had enough of shopping from your couch done hoping it looks anything like the picture when you tear open that envelope it's time for a little in-person spring treat it's time for a trip to ross work your magic hello you are watching and listening to shagmar denoid please keep me anonymous hello and this week we are joined by laura smith fantastic stand-up spelt like smith's toys.
0:55Is it Smith or is it Smythe? It's 100 % Smith. Fair enough. She is promoting her 2026 UK tour Aggie and the tour starts in September this year and tickets are available at laurasmith, spelled like smith toys,.com. She's also got a podcast with her best mate called Shouldn't Laugh But, dot dot dot. So there we go. Funny bones, funny bones woman. Love chatting to her. Yeah, we had a really good chatting. Well, I've seen clips of her live. Yeah. I would genuinely, I would love to see her live. Well, I was, when I got a text saying that she was coming on the podcast I was in the tour van with Carl Hutchinson and I turned to Carl and I said oh Laura Smith because I'd never worked with her I'd heard of her but I'd never worked with her and he went oh she's brilliant and he started quoting her routines to us so when Carl Hutchinson remembers your routines and he doesn't remember much when he remembers your routines you're a good comic so yeah I hope you enjoyed the chat it was great if you're on YouTube please subscribe and like and like and all of that stuff is that a thing?
1:51don't comment unless you've got something really lovely to say We had a fight about the jingle We couldn't settle on a jingle So this is the jingle We hope you like the jingle Jingle
2:13What's this about a bruised toe? Oh, because I was at the youngest at a birthday party this weekend. I was solo parenting, mother, but not chicken. and just last minute got the house straight, getting it all sorted, cake baked, tugged the jumper off the chair in the kitchen, chair went full on my toe and it just went twice the size. I couldn't bloody walk and I had to pull a gig. Oh no. You know sometimes when it buys you a Friday night indoors? Well you're quite glad of it. Yeah, I could barely walk before I get Chinese. Did you ever do that? So you used to be a teacher. I did. Which is fascinating.
2:45But I remember when I used to work in a nursery and I remember just wanting to have a little car crash. Oh, yeah. A little... Just a little... I've said this so many times. Yeah. But just, it's one of them, the feeling of just like... Just a prang. Just a little prang. Just a little whiplash. Just a little whiplash. Just a day off. Do you know what? Not even whiplash. Just a little bump. Just so you could actually... You could ring and go, I've been in an accident. I need... I'm so shook up. I need the week off. I know. Just a little something. I know. It's so pathetic, isn't it, that we can do that.
3:13But like, when I'm ill... I'm ill. Not ill. I have been ill. I've had cancer right and I fine all fine but as a protective measure like I'd got through it all and they were like and because I got the BRCA gene they were like I'll take your ovaries out I was so busy with everything they were like I'm having my ovaries out in May that'll be good I'll have a lie down do you know what looking forward to surgery it's the same mentality though looking forward to a bit of surgery did you work through that all of this then pretty much did you if I could well because I'd quit teaching didn't go back in the September then I've gone right into it now but then got diet then found a lump And it was like, I couldn't believe the parallel of it.
3:50But I did, I sort of thought, oh, I've got to keep going. Just bought a£400 wig and kept going. And you buy a£400 wig so it don't look like a wig. Then everyone says, I like your hair. So you go, cheers.
4:03It's a wig. You can't help yourself, can you? Do you know what I mean? You can't dress with pockets. You've got to say it. Thanks. I've got a charity shop. £400. I never felt better. So I just sort of cracked on. Well, because I didn't have a salary. Do you know what I mean? So I was a bit like, but I think there was part of me that was sort of keep going, can't catch me. But yeah, when you're thinking, oh, I'll have a bit of surgery soon. Get my ovaries out, have a bit of rest. Are they performing arts teachers, your friends? Let's get back on track. No, they're just primary school teachers. I say just primaries.
4:32That's terrible. They're brilliant at their jobs. Primary school teachers, all of them. But you know what really fucks me off? Go on. Selfishly. Go on. I've got no friends during the week. They can't even answer fucking text messages. They're not allowed to look at their phone. I'll speak to my mate and she'll be on break time. She'll be like, the kids are going to die. And then hang up on us. The freedom of just having a cheeky little break away and they can't have a couple of days off. I think I could have carried on teaching for a bit longer if it wasn't for those six week, seven week chunks that you have to get through.
5:01Yeah. It's more that lack of autonomy of just that where you just... Yeah, somebody has to die for you to actually have a morning off. Or a little prank. Or a little prank. Just a little bit of cancer. Just catch the bottom. Catch the back. But that was it. And because we gig all weekend, because I used to be an English teacher and I said to her, it was my ex-head of department, my friend Helen, and I was going, oh, let's book tickets. Toby Jones is in Othello. Let's book tickets. And I was giving her, throwing out dates. She's going, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. What are you talking about? A school night?
5:33Yeah. And then I was trying to find a Friday where I wasn't working. Do you know what I mean? So I was like, oh. And then you do feel like... Well, then you've got a difference now where you've probably lost all of your weekends. That's it. That's it. I still sometimes feel that. So if I do, on me too, as I do Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, some Sundays, but not many. But the Wednesdays especially, sometimes, not all of them, but sometimes you feel a very, very distinct kind of, well, we're here, but we're not fucking happy about it. Why have you come to Cambridge on a Wednesday? Sheffield gets a Friday.
6:03Do you know what I mean? There's a real thing of like, we're here, Ramsey, but this is a school. You fucking wrap this up. We're not drinking and we're going to go. Sunday can be tough as well. because you definitely I never do Sundays this is it I did Cardiff on a Sunday and it just had the energy of they've had a Sunday roast yeah they're like oh why did we book those tickets six months ago yeah you know you felt you really felt it but yeah it's funny but even when I was teaching especially because you know when you're coming up on the circuit as well you're a little bit like oh I've got a Tuesday I've got a Wednesday you know you're trying to build to the weekend I almost didn't mind running about in the week it just felt like an extended day really because you'd still be opening at, you know, Vauxhall and you're like, oh, I'm up the creek or whatever.
6:47But people try to get Fridays and Saturdays. Oh, Saturday was like, oh God, I've got to go out on a Saturday. That was sort of the goal. But when I was still teaching, I'm like, oh God, I'm working on the weekend. Wow, so were you doing stand-up at the same time as teaching? Yeah, so it was mad. I started 2019 and then had a brilliant year because I won the Funny Women, got signed, United, like all within no time, eight months or something. So it was all exciting. then of course there was a global pandemic so oh god it really felt personal yeah i thought that very personally but i didn't realize everyone did well i think of this i'd just finished strictly i just sold out the tour because of strictly so i think i had a joke in my routine and i had a routine sorry me show where i was like um i finished strictly wrote the new tour the first night of the new tour we got locked down we were unable to do stand-up for a year and a half so for 18 months I was a retired professional dancer oh no horrible that horrible and it's funny because my agent was really good at saying to me it just felt like I'd finally waited all this time to do this big shiny thing but that's it how long do you wait to get Strictly and then for that little launch pad little huge launch pad yeah yeah the tour was so I didn't do the this was the worst bit I didn't do the Strictly tour for your tour because I was right in my tour and then I couldn't do my tour anyway so I could have done the Strictly tour they were in irenas having a laugh every night getting pissed they were having a great time listen we're going to find out who's hosting it soon oh you're not putting your hat in the ring gang oh you two would be great they didn't ask us they didn't ask us we're not trustworthy I don't think like we've done my telly you've done it I did the Christmas special oh nice dipped my toe in a little bit you see that's enough it was enough it was enough for me I've seen him do it I know how hard it is like it's really intense I was people get they get sort of in it even like act as dance as comedians they get in and then you know they get like I can't believe I got AIDS for that and you're like AIDS you're fucking not a dancer like how dare you so yeah but that was never me I was always fine the toughest thing Pete you're so likeable I think the toughest thing is when people are good and getting voted out you know I think that would feel like when you don't feel like the public's with you oh I mean a couple of people got voted out before me and couldn't hide how pissed off they were at me because I was like I'm just getting through on personality alone like I'm fucking shit no the North East votes this is the thing any talent competition we're voters like if you're from the North East you're pretty much when Joe McKeldry I don't think I've ever said this on the podcast when Joe McKeldry was in X Factor I bought a sausage roll in me local Greg's and she handed me the sausage roll handed me a change and said vote Joe oh that's it you're getting behind it vote Joe we went mad vote Joe we couldn't believe it was vote Joe it was crazy people were getting tattoos It was insane, honestly.
9:41It was madness. No, didn't somebody call? Somebody changed their name to vote Joe and I'm not even taking the piss. Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. And I know him, I'll actually ask him. Right, great. I'm going to ring him. His name's vote Joe. Oh, you mean Joe, you'll actually know Joe. Somebody changed their name. You actually do know Joe, your friend's with Joe. I thought you meant you knew the person. I was like, well, their name's vote Joe. I don't know the person who changed their name, vote Joe. I know Joe, I'll ask him. Yeah, he's got some good X Factor stories. Oh, nice. Juicy. Yeah, really nice.
10:09How long has it been on? Oh, God. Do you know what? That's going to be one of them horrible things where you go, five years? It's probably about 15 years. Well, because we've had Britain's got talent for a long time, haven't we? Not been on for a long, long time. So do you all still love the Cheryl, Cheryl Carl, you all team Cheryl still? She's yours. Well, no, she's not been. She's from Newcastle. Oh, sorry, sorry. That was such a London thing. It was all the same, innit? Yeah. Get it. By the way, she hasn't been around for a while. What's she up to? Oh, Cheryl. She came and watched me one episode of Strictly.
10:43Did she come watch you or did she know somebody else in the cast? Just me. Full eye contact with me for full dance. I feel... As soon as I was finished, she stood up and left. Oh, I bet you dined out and I'd be like, I think, Rosie, you are stacking a dishwasher because Cheryl's on my case. Well, there you go. I don't think she was there. I think she might have been promoting something. I do believe she was only there for me. I believe security had to stop her physically grabbing me because she couldn't control herself. because when she saw how bad my dancing was, she was sodden. Yes, that's what it was.
11:15It was the spray tan. I'd only do it for the spray tan. I'd like to do strictly just for the spray tan. Go on, get me. Get it. Would you do it? Of course you would. You have to, wouldn't you? I'm not in a position of going, no, I wouldn't. I'm definitely in the kind of, yes, please, bang, bang, banging on the window. I'll do it, please.
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13:39So what's next? I've been liberated. We're going to take this city back. Over-Medicated. In an all-new season now streaming only on Disney+. They're hunting us. It's time we started hunting them. I can work with them. This should be tons of fun. Marvel Television's Daredevil, Born Again. Now streaming only on Disney+. But you're on tour at the minute. Well, my tour's on sale. It starts in September. So, yeah, very exciting. Where are you going? Everywhere. I'm going everywhere. Going to Ireland, Belfast, and most of the rest is UK. I'm doing the Apollo. You just done the Apollo? Nice! I just done the Apollo, yes.
14:22You fuck. I just did it on Saturday. Yeah, yeah, I see. It's a dream That's the second time I've done it Oh god We mentioned COVID again I'm so sorry But the first time I did it It was straight after COVID Like it was the first gig back After COVID was Apollo So I really took it in On Saturday night And it was sensational It's like It's so intimate You've done live at the Apollo Yes I've done it once Yeah yeah yeah And you think That's going to be overwhelming But it's so well designed Yeah It feels like It's just well proportioned There's a reason They do it at the Apollo Yes It's one of the best Stand up rooms In the country 100 % agree and what's so it's a bit like a giant comedy store I was saying this to me mate yesterday 100 % comedy store is one of the hardest gigs to get in with and it's the easiest gig in London oh it's enjoying but it's the hardest to get in okay did you you've obviously played I'll do the weekends yeah yeah so I never got to do the weekends because you go and I don't remember if I told you this was I don't know so you go down to do the store right and you do your open spot and I'm driving down from fucking Manchester and I'm doing the late show on a Friday so I'm there at half 11 at night and the owner's got to see you Don's got to see you oh it's old school isn't it it's like gangster stuff Don's got to see you You're doing your open spot and you get walked to the back where he's having a glass of red Yeah And you've got to sit down And he'll tell you whether he's going to boot you or not Shit Every single fucking time I did my open spot he was in France at his house in France And I remember going could you not have told us before I left Manchester that he was in fucking France please Yeah you don't even live there Yeah But you do it and I went and I did them and then yeah I never got the walk and he never saw me He never ever saw me To be honest it was the Simons that dealt with me so I did the King Kong did my five did my ten and I always remember like doing my five and Justin Morehouse was hosting yes love Justin I love him so much and I know I just did alright I was so excited to be in the green room I do have a phrase for it when you go you know when you leave it all in the green room yes because you're just so excited to be talking to Charlie Baker and Justin Morehouse yeah yeah yeah I remember he was like Marcus Bigstar I don't even remember who it was but I was with the big boys yes and Justin was watching a United game on his phone and I walked out and he could see my face he went That was all right.
16:24And it was just all right, but it was just all right. And I knew it was all right. But my 10, I killed. Baker was hosting then and I killed my 10. And then, yeah, I love. And some people, it still has the magic for me. I love the weekends. I love a weekend at the store. That's good. What made you do it? What made you, like, what? Yeah. I always wanted to do it. Right. I'm from a funny family. You know sometimes when you're on a circuit with people talking about people that aren't very good at it, you go, are you even from a funny family? Michael. What a fucking dick that is. what a diss sorry are you what a heck of luck would be imagine that sorry are you even from a funny family sorry is your is your mum and dad even good at telling stories oh Jesus Christ are you allowed to talk unless there's a punchline at dinner but all mustard bins are funny everyone's funny so it was just it's only when you get older you realise not everyone's like that like you don't know how you know some people are so fucking dull dull sum it up Rosie no it's only being a grown-up that I'm around other grown-ups who aren't my friends or whatever and I'm like Jesus Christ some people I'm used to just my friends and my family are all really funny and I'm used to just going and I'm like oh I'm going to I'm going to say these tonight I'll have such a laugh and you know you will but some people some people don't ever laugh I know no I genuinely think some people don't have laughter in their lives and we're starting a GoFundMe for those people they need a GoFundMe but you go like you're on the school run or you're at a party and you get caught with someone and they're just talking about the kitchen section and you think, I couldn't give a flying fuck.
17:58And it's not funny. There's nothing funny about it. Yeah, tell me. This story has to end with you shitting yourself. You're losing me. You're fucking losing me. But I also, I really like sort of like tragedy as well. Oh, yeah. Like the fact that you literally came in and joked about your cancer within the first five minutes. I was like, this, I love it. I know, I know. But that's what I need in my life. Yeah, you do need that. You do need that. people that just tell you know when they just cut through it and you're just like yeah and that was it nothing i always say it's like an east london thing but then i don't think it is i think it's a it's a geordie thing it's a it's a it's a regional thing it's working class there you go people the way there's no bottom line i think if a tape recorder was left in a green room yeah everyone would get cancelled because not there's no bottom line you want to say the worst funniest darkest fucking shit.
18:49Oh, comedians are, yeah. The real comedy that you could never show on podcasts or on telly is comedians in green rooms. Oh. Horrible. Because we just want to top each other off and get, and then it just gets so awful and silly. But yeah, so, back to me. Back to me. I always wanted to do it, and I only admitted to my husband that that's what I wanted to do when I was teaching, and he started telling people, oh, Laura's a teacher and a comedian. So he just said it, and then he bought me a day's writing course as a wedding gift with Logan Murray, and it was the best day of my life. it was other comedians and it was just this really great thing I was supportive I love that oh I love him yeah oh that's so what a dude what a dude oh mate we back each other one hundred Alistair James oh Alistair James Smith Alistair is a good egg he's like the sort of I keep saying in our marriage I'm the batter he's the fielder do you know what I mean I'm like so I think I've given him us together I've given a little bit of like fucking go on son you know what I mean and like he gigs and he's he's like been pushed forward, but I think he's given me that sort of safe foundation.
19:52He's just a safe pair of hands. You know, that kind of good vibes. Yeah. So then when I was going back to work after my third child, so Alfred, who's nearly eight on, on April Fool's day, I, he was, yeah, one years old, he's going back to seven years and I signed up to a full writing course. Cause I thought if I go back to work, you know, it's like when you've got a full time job, you can't, you would never do it. You can't think, you know, you kind of get, you kind of answer a text. You have to close a door to be able to open another one. With a safety net as well. Yeah, you have to stop the thing to be able to do the next thing, yeah.
20:23So that was it. So I kind of, and I think I'd heard that Ricky Gervais started at 37, so I was 37, so I thought that's the oldest. You know when you see these people that are like, they have their 15 tennis world champion, and you're like, oh God, I should have started something when I was four. But I think 37 sounded like the oldest age I'd heard someone starting something, and I thought that was my sort of going to go for it. So yeah, 37. And then I got to the end of that course. They filmed our showcase and I entered that tape to the funny women. Five months later, I won it. Amazing. So that was that.
20:56And then it's all good. And then even when, so 2021, I went back to school, but it was that same thing. We were having like a conversation about, I think we were having some training about how to use Active Inspire software to teach and any kids isolate. And everyone was asking really earnest questions. And you know when you have to just admit, whatever happens in comedy, I'm done with this. Yeah, I'm just not here. I'm not here. And it's something as well, like teaching is something you can't dial in really, I suppose. Do you know what I mean? You've got to be, you can't just be like, oh, my heart's somewhere else.
21:29No, it needs all of you to be a good teacher. Of course, yeah. You know, your mate's a primary school teacher. What they give to kids. And I think there's a lot of people who carry on when their heart's gone, but the kids, the kids, sorry, all of you. Oh no, they all like really care about the kids. Sometimes it's all they talk about though. Dad's going to say, yeah, they're too good. That's all. Come on now, isn't it? It's just teacher, teacher cracking up. It's like, oh my God. And if you're not in it, I still love it. Like everyone, because I live, I used to work in, at the Catholic school just up the road from me.
21:57So everyone still drinks at the locals. And sometimes I'll be back from a gig going, you're still there on a Friday. And I still love all the gossip though. I just love it. I love it. I do love it. But there is just that. There's sort of a running joke though where one of them will be like, we've lost Rosie. So, and I'm like, can we just talk about something other than school? but I'm only joking. It's all of my friends. All of my teachers. It's mad. It's mad. Were you comp? Yeah, secondary school. So up to A level. So yeah. Nice. Yeah. Did any kids ever come and see any gigs? They have, yeah.
22:30No way. A couple have and it's quite cute. Yeah, they have. My naughty one. She's in her 20s now, but she was just one that she was just naughty. But she's so lovely. I really look out for her. She's so sweet. and my favourite thing I ever said to her because we should always get relocated and she reminded me when she came to my gig I've told this story before but it's big me up innit but she said she gave me the best advice because she'd always get relocated and me and my mate Keith who was also ahead of year because we were ahead of year so they'd sit in the office and I just said Tyne you're never going to be a good kid I said you're just going to be a great adult so just don't worry about all this and she said that kept her going because she was just a dyslexic eight lady she just didn't care graffiti everywhere Some kids are not made for school.
23:15No, my boy's not. Is he not? No. Some kids just do not, doesn't work for them. It doesn't mean that they're not going to be successful in whatever they do. Well, this is it. And I think that I left school, I was bright, but I kind of just left school feeling, I don't know, I didn't want to, I just, I said to my boy Alfred, I said to him, what happens at school then? Why don't you like focusing? And he's bright as a button. Because I'm doing my thing. and they want me to just do their thing. Thumbs up. Now there's an Ed Psych involved. He's going to go far. He's going to go far. That's what my Robin would say.
23:54That's what my Robin would say. I'm just doing my thing and they want us to do this other thing and I'm just like, well, I don't want to do it. And he's got a mop of hair. And I was like, come on now, I forgot to get your hair cut. He went, nah, because I'm just hiding behind it. Oh, bless him. But now he's started karate and he's just like, he can follow Sensei for an hour and we can't believe it because he can't. It was because he wanted what he wanted to do He loved it I loved school you see you hated it didn't you but I hated it it was fucking like just long the days just long the less I'm just I just so bored just sitting there so bored I couldn't focus Oh god it was awesome what made you want to be a teacher then if you couldn't focus at school Because I love books I loved books and I see that in my kids I loved reading and it was just such an escape so that was almost my safe place and I when I then I left school I did go to I did go to you I keep staring off like I'm thinking I did go to I went to you I thought you were looking on the camera oh yeah I hated school guys I hated it strap in I hated school went to uni I did a white my levels hated that then had a library so my eldest when I was 20 just left met some div and had a baby and then and then I was sort of just in like temporary accommodation I was just with all the mums all the girls that had babies after school like in Stratford East London it was like you know in the moment for a baby unit and they're like you know what I mean it's so funny and it's so funny haha I bumped into one of my my A-level English teacher Miss Moore my best English teacher and I bumped into the leisure centre and she went oh what are you up to I said oh I just had a baby and all this and she went no like what are you up to I said oh bums, tums and fives and she's like no no no what are you up to I was like I don't know I'm not doing anything I'm you know I'm a single mum I'm like da da da she went you should be doing an English degree why didn't you do an English degree and I was like oh I don't know time helped me sort of work out how I could do the English degree and still like not affect my benefits and all that too much.
25:47So I did it part time because I was on the housing list. So we were just moving about loads of times me and my little one. So and I loved it. And then I loved it so much. And I felt really confident. It was the first education experience where I was like, oh, my God, I love this. I don't I can really dig deep here. But it's because it's something that you wanted to do. And I think sometimes when you're older, you know, you're a bit like, oh, I could concentrate on this now because I actually want to do it. It took me to my sort of mid-twenties. So yeah, my little one was about three, four. Oh, so good.
26:15It was great. And then I did a placement in a school for a couple of weeks and I just was like, oh, I love this. I just love being in the classroom. And I think I just loved the naughty kids. I just got them a little bit more. And I think that's what gave me the basis for stand-up as well because I don't think I ever had the ego as a teacher to sort of be like, I'm the teacher, you must listen to me. I was like, well, I wouldn't want to listen to you. I would make it interesting, you know. you know kids need teachers like that though as well you know you're thinking like Michelle Phyfe for Dangerous Minds hey kids is that what it was yeah I'm not one regular teacher no I weren't like that but I kind of hey I'm not your teacher I'm your friend yeah yeah yeah just sit on the desk with your leg up I'm your mate yeah I mean some people say Jane Austen ain't Bear Nang but she is yeah no I weren't like that I kind of I always say my stand up style is a little bit roll up roll up like I'm gonna make you love it and I think that I got that from teaching.
27:08What? You listening? You're going to love it. So that was the vibe. I think that's class. I love it. I love roll up, roll up. That's a great stand-up style. Do you know what I mean, though? I would classify mine probably as roll up, roll up as well. Yeah, I would too. You grab them by the scuff of the neck and take them on that journey. I'm not coming out and scratching my head and looking at the floor and telling me my thoughts. I'm throwing it in your fucking face. Yeah. Because Carl's not super roll up, roll up. He's really like, he's a lovely centre of gravity. he tells these lovely stories and he's got everyone hanging on his every word and I love it when I see stand-ups like that I used to love it when I could see teachers like that they go okay girls my friend Claudia what we're going to do we're going to turn to page five and then these girls like you know probably like East London naughty girls will be hanging on her every word really how do you do that and I see stand-ups like that I think yeah barely doing anything yeah you bring them in bring them in I'm not no I'm roll up roll up yeah the sound guy's turning my mic down because I'm shouting I don't need the mic I'm shouting I don't know my thing and you get worse if you think they're having a bad if you think you're having a bad gig you'll just shout at them all oh I'll just shout at them all that's honest the shouting's not working because the shouting's not allowed at all I'll just do some more shouting it's not material it's just volume you're not laughing you mustn't be able to hit me
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29:02So listen, three kids. Yes. What's that like? It's fun. Well, because I've got the gap. It's funny because I had the big gap. So how long was it? Yeah, so how long was it? So 12, 13. So yeah, Rosie was about 12 when Bon was Bonnie. Nice name. Rosie. Nice name. I know, I always feel warm with a Rosie because I always think your parents must have looked at you and went, a little Rosie. A little Rosie, yeah. So yeah, I've got a Rose. My oldest is Rose, Rosie. and um so yeah i met my ally when she was 10 so that was nice i've sort of been on my own with her then so that was that was really nice and then yeah sort of didn't mess about bonnie came along and um yeah and then i got alfred so yeah bonnie was nearly free when alfred was born but i thought because of the big gap i didn't think i'd have middle child syndrome but bonnie oh really even with the gap something i feel like rosie became double big sister her place was almost more try and reinforce by having two little ends and yeah I'm a middle child I know I never fully believed it until until that Instagram told us and I'm like that's me so are you always hard done by but literally the centre of attention yeah I don't know kind of like if Bonnie's on a play date the middle one dinner times are very chill really?
30:28oh she dominates everything she's Queen Bee Bunny but she don't think she is she thinks she's is that me? I don't know well I don't know because you're not you know what no I actually feel like my mum oh my god because my sister listens to this but my mum always said that I was just dead chill oh that's nice I think maybe I'm the like I'm the sort of middle child that just got ignored a little bit so you kind of ploughed your own furrow sort of thing yeah I just had to kind of survive on my own yeah Yeah, that's that way. But I feel like now I kind of look after everyone as well, though. I like checking on everyone, so I don't know.
31:01You're the linchpin. Yeah, I think so. I think so. What do your sisters do? So I've got a brother and a sister. So you've got a older brother? I've got a younger brother who's a plasterer. Ah, no. And he is so good. Good, good, good, good plasterer. It's great. Oh, my God. And he does other stuff as well. Like, he's really good. He's learning stuff. And he's just now plastering because he does, he does a bill as well as a musician, he's a builder. Nice. And he couldn't get a plaster for loving or money. We were let down by so many. Anyway, he's learned it now. And once you've got that. I know.
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31:35He's so good at it. So good at it. Print money. Print money. That's it. Yeah. And then, but he's the baby. Yeah. He is the baby. He's such a mum. Isn't he? He's so babied. It's ridiculous. You can't say a bad word against him to me, mum. No, no. I'll do things like that. I'll go, who's left that here? why is that all spilt they go it's Alfred I go oh mummy's it oh I just love I just think it's easy work I hate ads all my I know it's just easy work I think because my girls I feel like my girls I'm always going up against myself when I go up against my girls they're just little me they're like yeah and I think where'd you get all that from it's all me yeah but with my boy I just find him it's just I just don't know my boys have got me right around their little fingers you've not got a girl you've got two boys no we've got two boys the eldest is me yeah he is me so me and him sometimes lock lock horns because he is me that's funny the weagle's on on everything yeah yeah he's 100 % me and the little one's just the little one's a lot more like you so the little one gets away with a lot more with me it is weird isn't it what's your sister do I always love so my sister she's just had a promotion at work but I couldn't tell you what it is oh yeah when they've got real jobs oh yeah she works in a law firm oh that's my favourite meme you know talking to your oldest friend how's work what is it yeah exactly like what the fuck is it but now she's like she's teaching the tech people how to do this she's doing presentations she's an adult she's an adult oh god fully blown but she's always she's worked there for like 16 years but it's a really serious place and she deals with like serious stuff and I'm always like what the fuck what are you doing today one of my good mates is like really high up in the NHS like overseeing like massive departments in massive hospitals like anyway like and that's why and that's why you book all the excursions on holidays Anne-Marie that's what we're dealing with whereas like me and my mates Swick are always like yeah on our way morning beers that's alright we were just talking about that Daisy was saying that she's the one who just turns I book everything yeah yeah do you get that vibe do you get that vibe well because now I know you've got a little brother as well so you're just like you're fielding you're taking care of business yeah sort of all my sister's just too busy with a serious job and my brother's just a baby but no no but also you are a control freak and you like doing these things early on the day before you came in here early on the day before you came in here I asked her what we're doing for food tonight I said because we've got a night in London tonight we always go for some food and drinks I said what should we do then what should we do she said yesterday she was going to book somewhere I went have you booked that place ah no why don't you book it I went right then she went oh you know just book something a nice surprise that'll be nice for once Chris I went no problem I'll start booking something she went what are you doing I went I'm booking something she went oh well what though it's not too formal is it what is it It's not too heavy.
34:18Go on. What? I went, I can't just see what I'm fucking dealing with here. I know. Did you watch The Bear? You know that bit? Have you watched The Bear? We watched the first series, I think. The cooking. Yeah, the cooking one. It was too intense. It was a lot of intense. But there's this scene with Jamie Lee Curtis and the mum. We didn't get that far. No, no. Tell us. But she sort of does this breakdown, which is like, you know, who makes things special for me? You know, when you're taking care of business. If my husband said, like, you know, sort of the kids are at your mum's grab your passport I've booked all this I think I'd kill him do you know what I mean I think I want that I do not want that I want a bucket I hate it I do not want that because you know you're totally right you're totally right you're right the worst species on earth do you know like and I'm going on record and saying that no I often think you know when you watch I don't want what I want when you watch videos I don't want what I want when you watch things and they're like I've surprised you just pack a bag and I'd be like well No.
35:17Yeah, yeah, you're right. What's the weather? Where am I going? What do I need? Yeah. Creams, et cetera, et cetera. You would get there and you'd go, well, why didn't you tell us this? I haven't brought this. I didn't know it'd be this. I didn't bring flat shoes and you didn't tell us to that. I should have brought a strapless bra. I don't fucking know, man. Yeah, strapless bras. That's genuinely, I couldn't wear a top today because I didn't have the right bra. I know, it is funny. I was like, I can't, just maybe you could think of something once upon a time. No, I'm not staying there. No, same.
35:43I would get there and I'd go to shithole Chris why have you booked this I hate it I hate it what have you done I like to read the reviews and everything and places me I'm one of them yeah yeah and you sort of download the pdf of the menu but only because you can't recalculate but no lies you just need to know there's a term I want to see a floor plan of the room yeah like literally especially if I'm abroad I want to see that fucking floor plan I want to know I know I do just it doesn't even matter where they sit us I'm like you've got another table why you're one of them why nice I'm not one of them people that can be relaxed if something is bad if I sit somewhere and something is off I'm like I can't I'm not going to enjoy this experience I know it's really weird my favourite there's a lot I always quote Simpsons the best Simpsons joke ever is when Homer's on a plane he goes I want what everyone wants preferential treatment oh that's such a good joke Do you know what I mean?
36:43If I feel like someone's having it off a bit better than me, with a table erupts with laughter, I'll be like, tell me a joke.
36:54We haven't done this. Me and Carl and our tour manager went for a curry in Nottingham the other night. Oh, nice. And we had to move tables. I didn't know about this. Carl got there early and he got the table because I was trying to come out the stage but there's people there for photos, which is fine. So I was taking the photos so I was a bit late. And obviously we finished late and we won a curry. so we get there and Carl goes oh we had to move tables he goes we were on that table but apparently there was a table of blokes there and one bloke was like leaning out facing the other tables loudly calling all of his mates gay because they were going home after the curry and Carl said he went in the waitress he went can we move to that table and she went yeah something wrong I went nothing wrong just don't have been don't relax this guy and she went over she went to Carl she went did he see anything?
37:41He went, not me, but he's been pretty horrible with all of his friends and I just didn't want to be there while he was doing it. I just never thought my coming out story would be because I was done with the Papa Doms and I was a bit tired. How did you guess? The rimming, we were fine with. My point is, that's a really good reason to move tables because the bloke is calling all of his mates for going home early. Pathetic. He's like, I've just dealt with hecklers. I've just dealt with hecklers. Right. Oh, this is nice. Ready? I'm ready. I'm ready. Let's go. Let's go. Story time. We've rolled him all.
38:14Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. I just started dating a guy at uni. One night we went to the student bar with friends and I got very drunk. Nice. So drunk he had to walk me back to halls. I hadn't brought a coat, classic, so he gave me his puffer. The one his ex had bought him. Oh, all right. I passed out fully dressed in his bed shoes coat everything while he went back out I think that's quite a green flag she was so pissed he left her too to be fair yeah but he's not looking after her she could vomit choking her vomit or swallow the puffer jacket or anything well strap in about 30 minutes later I woke up feeling awful hot nauseous chaos sorry yeah can I just pause for a moment can you imagine falling asleep really really drunk and waking up and you've got a fucking puffer jacket on.
39:06Full North Face. In a bed with a fucking Canada goose on. A horror bomb. I threw the coat off, turned the lamp on and staggered to the bathroom for a full hug in the toilet session. Oh no. On the way back, I thought I smelled burning. Ignored it. Big mistake. I opened his door and oh my God, the puffer coat had landed on the lamp and was on fire. Panny. I tried smothering it with my trousers Didn't work My top also useless So now I'm half naked Fighting flames Losing With no other option I sprinted to the kitchen Oh this is holes as well This is all over the place This is big yeah With no other option I sprinted to the kitchen In just my knickers Grabbed water Ran back Threw it on the fire Repeat Several frantic Nearly naked laps later The fire was finally out Okay good I suppose it's not an electrical fire is it?
40:03It's a fire from the heat of the bulb But it's on a jacket I picked up the soggy half burnt coat And burst into tears just as he walked in So there I was The girl who'd just started dating Hysterically sobbing Wearing only knickers Clutching his ex-girlfriend's destroyed coat Like I'd summoned a demon We broke up Not long after Eight years later We're back together And better than ever he just doesn't lend me his coats anymore. What a lovely story. I love it when they stay together after stuff like that. Oh, wow. I love that. That's just like naked and clutching a burnt coat. So funny. Can you imagine if she'd have burnt the halls down?
40:48Like, what the hell? I mean, that'll take care of, you know, that kind of groggy, that bit of adrenaline that's sobering you up. Yeah, that's all too right. Yeah, you're crying after it, but yeah, you're having a panic attack, but yeah. And this is why they don't give you irons on cruise ships. Oh, is that why? I phoned, I was on a cruise ship once during the gig, and I phoned up to ask for an iron, and they said, no, we don't give out irons. You don't trust people. Because people are fucking stupid. Yeah, the reason you'd do on a cruise ship. Have you done the cruise ships? I've never been on one.
41:17Soft launches of two ships, so just out into the channel, back and forwards, far enough for duty-free, legally, up and down the channel, and then home. And you needed an iron in that time. Listen Ow Oh god I pack I pack things dense Yeah I needed I had to give it to the staff They had to steam it It was a fucking nightmare But yeah Yeah There was just a soft launch And a soft launch on a cruise ship Still heaving Wouldn't do it Oh no I'm not good on boats I've never done a cruise Never ever I'd like to try it I've done Yeah Never say never But yeah You wouldn't do it You don't even Why are you fucking Why lying to yourself You would never go on a cruise Why being nice Maybe I was Maybe I was fishing to see what the surprise thing was that we're going to book you and maybe you've just ruined it.
42:01There you go, she knows. Can you imagine if he booked you a little cruise? All I'll say is, all I'll say is, Rosie, get your passport, pack an iron. Where we're going? Pack an iron because they don't give you the money. Where we're going? Because you want to go see the Northern Lights and if I'm going to hold you, I'm not going somewhere cold. I want to go hot. See, I want to see the Northern Lights. That's my thing. I want to see the Northern Lights. Well, no, I'm not in the last part of the Northern Lights. I want to see a starry sky with no pollution. Heaven. A mate of mine said that he once was on a boat in the middle of the Mediterranean.
42:29There was no light pollution anywhere and you could see galaxies and everything. I want to say that with me. Or go maybe like a safari in the middle of Africa, like just desert Sahara. Absolutely not. Literally get in the bin. Are you mental? Literally get in the bin. Literally get in the bin. I'm scared of animals. Are you scared of animals? That's the thing in a safari. You see a video of a safari and you go, that looks good. You can't see the smell. You can't see the smell, the sweat or the flies. It must be vile. No chance. Do you know, how old are your kids again? 10 and 5. Okay, you know where you need to go if you're coming down south?
43:01Have you heard of Port Lim Safari Park? No. Do you know Sam Coughlin? She's a makeup artist. No. She's brilliant. She does Apollo, actually. She's brilliant. She is the queen of recommendations. She's super mum. So Port Lim's down in Kent, sort of Sussex border, like, it's just brilliant. And you can stay in, like, giraffe lodges, tiger lodges. and there's really nice restaurants. It's part of the Aspenal Trust. It is brilliant. You have to. It's my top recommendation. For 10 and 5, your kids will love it. So it's like all the joy that's on. Because I always think they'd just be shit. No, it's...
43:37Oh, is it? Yeah. Right, okay. Oh, that's good enough. It's a really top recommendation. It's real luxury. And we stayed on like, we literally stayed in like a wood cabin. We got a really good deal. So not spenny, spenny. You can go spenny. Right. But we didn't. We did like 150 quid or something for the night. You know what I mean? So not for all of us. and then they said oh you've booked you've booked one of the restaurants should we send should we send one of our buggies to drive you over there we did go past the capybaras and all that nice and we didn't even pick like the high end high end we just thought oh well pub food but really good food so you can do it really nice because 10 and 5 is funny isn't it because they're like keeping them both interested honestly top recommendation 10 and 5 they love it there's tigers and lands and giraffes and you can do the big jeep thing really good really good recommendation that is.
44:25All right, we'll have a little look into that. Yeah, this podcast is not sponsored by wherever that is. That's just a total freebie. Thank you so much for coming on. Oh, I've loved it. It's been a pleasure. You two are brilliant. Thank you. It's been really lush. Thank you. Yay, yay. You can't reason with the sun. Trust us, we've tried. This summer, it's time to put that angry ball of fire on mute. Columbia's OmniShade technology is engineered to protect you from the sun's harsh rays that can burn and damage your skin. The sun is relentless, but so is our gear. Level up your summer at Columbia.com to spend more time outside and less time slathering on aloe lotion.
45:10You're welcome. Columbia. Engineered for whatever.
From the publisher
On this week's Shagged Married Annoyed, Chris and Rosie Ramsey sit down and have a good chat with comedian Laura Smyth .
As well as reading one of your stories, Laura talks about her journey from teaching to stand up, family dynamics and what life is like when you come from a funny family . The trio also speculate on who will be the new Strictly Hosts!
To book tickets to see Laura on tour with her show Born Aggy visit Laurasmyth.com
If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch!
📧: shaggedmarriedannoyed@gmail.com
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