Please Keep Me Anonymous with Lucy Beaumont

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0:36Great brands, great prices. That's why you rack. Hello, you are listening to and watching Please Keep Me Anonymous, part of the Shagmory Denoid extended universe. This week's episode, we are joined by Lucy Beaumont, who is a stand-up comedian, incredibly funny. she's on promoting a new tour called Bad at Quiz Shows Good with Weirdos and it starts in September you can get your tickets at lucybormont.co.uk I love Lucy Bormont which is absolutely hilarious we had a lovely chat we normally go into more of this but our lunch has just arrived so enjoy like and subscribe on YouTube bye

1:24We hope you like the jingo Jingo Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba Jingo Are you alright? Oh yeah, I'm fine She's got a bit of wind in the ass acting like she's just had a diagnosis I find wind crippling though I can tell, fucking hell You know what I used to do before this podcast I would eat like a punnet of grapes because

1:52So because, I don't know, I would be like, I don't want to eat anything really stodgy and I don't want to eat, because I get really bloated. I think I've got IBS, but I haven't been tested. So I would eat loads of grapes. And do you remember by the end of the day, I'd be in agony. I'd literally be sat here on the last interview thinking I'm going to die and it was wind. Because it can be really painful. When people say they've got wind, I genuinely, I'm like, are you all right? Yeah, yeah, because you know it can, no, it's just a quiche. It's just a quiche. I had a cliche okay she was like when you said are you alright she thought she was on one of them podcasts where we were trying to make them cry are you alright though that's what this is are you alright a crying podcast no she just said she had wind and you took it very very seriously wind is very serious speaking of serious stuff your cat you've just started telling her before your cat brought a rat in yeah cat brought a rat in alive or dead it was the most awful I got this cat off gum tree from Rill okay right sorry you got a cat off Gumtree is that a thing yeah right okay we haven't got any pets so I don't even know where you'd get a cat yeah don't get one off Gumtree okay sorry I thought Gumtree was just for like old wardrobes and that no but you can get live animals on Gumtree anything you want right so it's like it's like a notice board isn't it it's like does anyone want this selling stuff yeah yeah Yeah.

3:16Okay. Right. I did buy it, it wasn't free. Right, okay. How much was it, if you don't mind my asking? Not a lot. Right, okay. Just that's it. 20 quid. Yeah. Not a lot. Right, okay. Not bad. So, no, it's fine. I don't know how much cash. I know dogs are expensive. Dogs are wild. Dogs are like a couple of grand. Not on Gumtree. What are you getting on? The bitey ones. Okay. What are they like? It's like Iceland for pets. What are they like? Like battery farmed, aren't they, I think? It's terrible. I wouldn't ever, and I don't, wouldn't ever condo. I don't condo. No, this cat was just a woman had a cat.

3:53Right. She didn't want it. I wouldn't buy, you know, I don't want to seem like, you know. You're not like saying people should get them on a country. I'm against like, oh, those illegal, like, pet farms. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. Good. Good to know that. Yeah. Good to know that. Yeah, no, this was just a woman. She had too many kids and she'd got this cat. Right. I got it. And it's like really needy. like really neat I suddenly like this cat yeah it's like needy but a psycho killer as well it gets rats the same size as it and brings them in it likes to bring in anything that's the same size as it so it brought this well I didn't I was on the running machine and then you know the belt was like that and so I was like what's going on lifted the belt up a rat's head stop Yeah, so the rat's head was in the belt and then the body.

4:46So I basically, by running, had basically pulled the rat apart. Yeah. This is... I did not think this was cool. Sorry, anyone on the... Obviously, people are watching this on YouTube. Oh, we started? Oh, God, yeah. Sorry, we're still chatting. No, no, no. We started ages ago. It's all right. Well, at least I said I don't agree with them. Yeah, yeah. Don't worry about that. I'll tell you. There's just a cold start. Oh, no, it's nice. Yes, yeah. So the cat had brought it in. I probably should have told you though. The cat had brought it in and either put it, while you were running it, put it behind the treadmill or it stored it there.

5:20So I think what had happened was she had a rat in the, it's in the spare bedroom, but the rat had obviously run underneath the treadmill. Oh my God. Because they bring them in live, don't they? Yeah. Don't they actually? It's quite sweet, I think. Yeah. They bring them to you as like a present, don't they? I know. Well, it's like you're, so the cat thinks you're its kid. so it brings a completely you're it's kid yeah thinks that you're it's kid so it brings a goosed rat that isn't completely dead a rat that's like on its last leg so you can finish it off so it's teaching you how to do it that's what cats are doing and you did you did but you had to use a treadmill so technically you cheated do you think it was proud of me or not I genuinely think that's a really bonded fucking hell he only wanted you a cat he only wanted you to rip its head off and make a scene you know right you've probably really impressed that cat like fuck she went all Highlander on it and then Then it brought a mag.

6:13So I was just getting ready in the mirror and then in the bedroom. And then you can feel something like just flew past my ear. It was really weird. It was really quiet. Then I looked up and it was a horror film. Then it was a live magpie just freaking out with all sorts. And the cat had brought this in as well. Like a live magpie. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. All sorts of spring. What do you mean? Well, everything that's in a magpie was around the... Everything that's in a magpie. Was being around. So I was like, because I was brought up real spiritual. And what it's done, it's really fascinating.

7:00It's stopped me being spiritual at all. I now don't believe in anything. What? And I used to believe in anything. all because I thought there was like a funny energy in the house because there's like dead animals, you know, and it felt, something felt wrong because you could like smell, couldn't really get rid of the smell as well, you know. There was a smell, like dead. Yeah, totally, yeah, yeah. And so like I looked up if there was a medium, you know, that does house cleansing. Oh, yeah, yeah. Seaging and stuff. Yeah, like locally because I thought that might be really like nice to get, because it felt a bit weird.

7:36and I found this woman and I rang her. She was like, she cost£85 to come and cleanse your house. So I give her my address and everything. And she said, oh, no, I don't actually need to come to your house. She was like, I can do it from home. I was like, oh, right. And she was like, what is this since COVID? And she was like, yeah. She was like, what I found is it doesn't actually make a difference if I'm in your house or out shopping. I can still do the same thing. Oh, yeah, yeah. Two seconds. Hold on, two seconds. I've just cleansed a terrace four doors down from you. 85 quid? I just cleansed it.

8:08Yeah, yeah. Did you pay him? I'll send him a bill. Did you still pay him? No, that's when I was like, that's bullshit, isn't it? Thank you. Thank you. Because I would have, honestly, you're a very funny, intelligent lady and I'd have lost respect for you. Do you know what? Maybe she sent the magpie. Fuck off, Rosie, man. What? It's like a... That was the cleansing of it. Because if you said that since the magpie's been, the feeling's gone. No, like after... Oh, it's worse after the magpie. Oh, okay. But in that minute, so like, if you do a job, I put the phone down, I was like, so if you do a job that doesn't exist, you don't have to do it.

8:46Yeah. Yeah. That's perfect. Yes, that's perfect. Yeah. I don't have to come and pretend to do a thing in your house. I'm not even going to insult you by turning up and pretending to do the thing in your house. I'm just going to do it from home. I'm going to remotely cleanse every room in your house. you fucking charlatan yeah I'm sorry that's upsetting that is bad 85 quid that's bad I think she's given people who actually genuinely do do because I believe in all that stuff do you yeah I really do too much to Chris's she used to much to Chris's dismay I really do I believe in my sister's really spiritual she like reads tarot cards and stuff does she yeah yeah we had a neighbour we had a neighbour who said they had a similar thing done I've just remembered this and I remember talking to her and she said they'd done it from the person had done it from home and I went right and she said when I spoke to them she said when I spoke to them they said something about a weird energy in the house like is your house under have you got like electrical lines or something and she went ee my god yes we'll have and I went did you give her your postcode she went yes I went she looked on a fucking Ordnance survey map then no she knew no no absolutely not oh it's not on what what were you going to say there I was going to say it's not on these notes but on the other notes that were had it said that you thought there was a spirit was it a dog or something an old dog yeah no cat I had a ghost well I thought I had a ghost my mum said I had a ghost cat right he's not the person because someone was getting knocked off it's so much funnier that it's you saying this as well yeah my mum said I had a ghost cat it's just really script she did we never attempt we cannot do the piss out of people at all so what was it well I thought it was a ghost well she Someone was getting knocked off the kitchen top.

10:35Uh-huh. I think now, looking back, it might have been, you know, when you have the washing machine on. And it's vibrating. Yeah, but it might not have... I can't say, can I? But it could maybe be that. Might have been that. But my mum came round and was like, you've got a ghost cat and it's just knocking stuff off. So she made me put a saucer and milk out for it. And she said, if it drinks it, you know, you haven't, it'll go. Did it drink it? well it went like Philadelphia I left it out I think it was lost Chris no is it the washing machine is the thing on a slant ghost cat the only it can only be a ghost cat you just gotta speak you gotta talk to them so we had a house once and you gotta talk to your ghost cats yeah no I thought our house was a bit haunted so every time I used to come home I'd go hello you alright yeah but then you read a thing that says you're not supposed to talk to them.

11:30No, so me sister said, because I used to go, fuck off, I don't want you here, leave us alone. And she was like, don't be nasty. You've got to be like nice. You can't be horrible. Can your sister tell you the same thing about how you talk to me? Would that be okay? She actually said I speak too nicely even though I actually can be a little bit more firm.

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13:24You are, you're going on tour? Yeah. and I think I didn't know this your tour is called Lucy's Tour Bad at Quiz Show Lucy's Tour oh no it's not now I wish it was sorry can I that's actually wrong it's actually Lucy and Ghost Cat I'm going to change it can we get this changed it's Lucy and Ghost Cat it's still called Lucy's Tour the Sour Milk Tour can I call it that can I change it yes you can that's lovely that's great Welcome to Lucy's Tour. I'm Lucy. This is my tour. This is my tour.

14:05This is serious. It's called, your tour is called Bad at Quiz Shows, Good with Weirdos. Yeah. I am also terrible at quiz shows. To the point where I don't really do them anymore. Do you not? But I have said yes to one and it's coming up really soon. But I'm shit. I'm shit at them I hate them but do you feel like that's why you're asked to do them I feel like I'm getting asked to do them all because it's terrible are you two the new generation's female Joey Essexes yeah that's how I feel get them on because they'll make take the piss out of them maybe I'm just so bad at them I hate it when I've got when I'm paying for money for a person who I can see their face like the wheel or whatever but you're good I've seen you on some he's clever I'm alright I'm alright when if If I can't see the person, so if I'm trying to win it for a charity that I've chosen or whatever, fine, but on the wheel in that way, you can see them and you're like taught them and then you get it wrong and they're like, oh, and then the wheel, they disappear back down the hole when they've got it wrong.

15:08It's so like, you're flushing them down the fucking toilet. I know. It's so, I can't bear it. But you're really good at, have you ever done catchphrase? No. I've never done it. I can't, I just couldn't do it. I would be mute. I just wouldn't, we do it at home and you get them all. He gets them all and I'm like, they're going, no, absolutely not. That's absolutely my bad catchphrase. Have you been on it? Yeah, I won. I won catchphrase, yeah, yeah. I was, Lucy, I think I've talked about this on here. I nearly didn't win it because I was so good in the first round. The producer came up and he said, I think I've talked about this on here before.

15:38I'm going to say it again. The producer came up and he said, look, can you dial it back a bit because no one else is saying anything? And I went, right. Oh my God. I went, but you know, friends, you know when Chandler tells Monica to take it easy on your boss when they're playing tennis? And she goes, I'm sorry, I was like what do you mean he was like dial it back because no one else has said anything so I dialed it back someone got one right and then they immediately got the bonus right and he went above us in the leaderboard and I went to the producer on the next break I went fucking gloves are off mate I went I am not stop and I didn't stop didn't stop you know what it is I spoke to Jimmy Carr Jimmy Carr did it as well and I spoke to him about it once and Jimmy Carr went oh yeah he said the same to me and I was like fuck him no he's like fuck him yeah no mercy my charity versus your charity let's fight me and Lucy would have been the ones that didn't get any airtime we're on there trying to promote something and then you know businesses business business business business women what's good with weirdos what do you mean by that I just wish I hadn't bothered with that it's just because it rhymed and now everyone's asking me and it doesn't mean anything at all my mum interrogated literally yesterday what's this what's this weirdo reference you can tell people have been bitching about you behind your back and they come with that energy and you're like what's this weird I could just picture well maybe it's you it must be you then I don't it does because it rhymes bad with does it mean bad with Chris shows good with weirdos yeah it does rhyme it does it is nice it is nice but you know what I mean so for future interviews maybe you could just say I'm good at I'm good at dealing with people who are weird yeah but you're not I don't think you're even allowed to say weirdos are you oh god is it is it yeah right is this your farewell to her is this it no weirdos is still alright is it alright like I think weirdos I think you can say freak I think freak's still okay I don't think it is sorry sorry just going to stop this here absolutely can't say freak and genuinely genuinely because you just bowled in and freak was your next one there I'm actually going to stop you in your tracks just in case the next one that comes out of your mouth is even worse than freak well you can't say gimp I know that there it is why can't you say gimp I just don't think you can what do you call a mask what are you talking about No, but as a person.

17:52Oh, well, fair enough. But when I was at school... I think you should stop. People were gimps. I think you should stop. So were gimps. I have started realising anything we said at school... Yeah, it's now. In the North East, in the 90s. I know. There's none of it you can use in later life. I can't tell the kids about any of my school goings on at all. No, I'm not. Because it's so inappropriate. I'm the same. Yeah. But do you ever... Because she watches you... Because I thought YouTube was bad for her. And then, what was it? The other night, I put her into bed. And what was it? I said something.

18:24Oh, what was it? And I said something about being scatty. And she went, scatty. And she went, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I stopped doing scat man. Yeah. And we did it to each other. Then we both went, I'm a scat man. I was like, oh my God, you can watch as much YouTube as you want. Right, because of that. Because it's bringing back stuff, yeah. Yeah, I can't believe she knew. But when we were younger, though, we used to listen to some Raj stuff. Yeah. Even just thinking like song song. Horny. Yeah, I'm horny. Yeah. Sex on the beach. Yeah. But don't you think it was all more playful? Like Euro trash and like it was like making anything sexy into like...

19:09Fun. Almost, yeah, like fun. Family fun. Do you know? Mate, my sister used to watch it on mute. Did she? Yeah. So literally. My mum and dad would go to bed and we had a telly in my room because my sister's like two years, three years older than me. And it used to be on at like 10 o 'clock, I think, 11 o 'clock, Euro Trash, I can't remember. But we used to watch it on mute, just kind of like. It was grotesque. It was grotesque. I loved it, though. It was great. Yeah. It was so good. Everybody watched it. Yeah. And you stayed up and then told them. Massive. You needed to know if everyone had stayed up late enough to watch it the next day.

19:44Yeah, yeah, find out. But I feel like that gave like boys at school, like, yeah you didn't feel as in danger of us like now like with kids now and stuff that they're watching oh I know it's not good is it no there's quite a lot of bile and hatred in it now how old is your daughter? she's only nine oh nice yeah so she's like still young lovely little age nine isn't it I'm hoping this all out like TikTok and like the age in which you can go on it I'm hoping that by I signed the petition yeah same yeah Yeah, so we'll see. But I said this years ago, I said I'm hoping it'll do such a U-turn, that'll be uncool.

20:25Yeah. Do you know what I mean? You know how sometimes Facebook people stopped using it and then whatever. People might get sick of it, genuinely. Kids might do the same. They might be like, oh, you're on Snapchat. So in the past, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. We'll see. I think you're right, yeah. No, I think you're right. at Glastonbury they weren't as many like young I think people was like it was almost like they know it's embarrassing to film it like the cool kids yeah it felt like they were like no it's it's almost a bit outdated to film stuff like it's about being in the moment oh that's good because nothing it's so depressing yeah that's good we went we went to Disneyland and some girl filmed the fireworks for 26 minutes the full thing the full thing held her both arms above her straight armed 26 minutes 26 minutes I watched the fireworks on her fucking phone because I couldn't see that's hilarious to the point where I stopped watching the fireworks because I was like I need to see if she does it if she's the strength on her 26 minutes arms straight in the air like a fucking stress position from Guantanamo Bay oh my god but you're not going to watch it again are you no that's what we said don't film very well and then I went on YouTube because I was like maybe she's putting it on YouTube to make a bit of money so many clips so many clips on there you just typed in She could have just stayed in and watched it on YouTube.

21:45Oh, the thing like they're adding, maybe it's like, I feel like you're adding some, I don't know. I hear that. Do you like social media? Do you use it a lot? Well, I only use it for work. I'm more like, I'm in lots of, I'm more like WhatsApp media. Nice. Like my world is in WhatsApp. Okay. All right. I think mine may be actually. Yeah. I think that's better. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's nice. It's actual me, isn't it? Yeah, it's real. Yeah. Yeah. It's a nice bit of interaction goes on, isn't it? Yeah. I feel like I'm seeing people less though because we're in touch really often. Yeah. And so it feels like we're in touch.

22:25So we're actually seeing each other in person a bit less. Oh, okay. So like, but I think that's just been busy, isn't it? Yeah. But no, I can't bear, I'm on like Instagram for work and then like I get sucked in, like I'll post something and then find myself looking through stuff. I'm terrible. I can't bear. It's so dangerous. I know. I'm so addicted to it. And do you know what's really weird? All my friends, anyone who I'm friends with, we've all bought the same things because it's got to us all. It's showing you the same stuff. Yeah. Right, okay. That we'll never use. Like what? Creatine. Are you on creatine?

23:05Yes. Oh, God, don't. This is exciting. I've been telling Rosie to have creatine for ages. Did you see the creatine adverts and just think you should do it for like mental health, for like it can help with depression, it can help with Alzheimer's in the future and stuff. Did you see all that or did you see more for regulating? Yeah, saw that. But it's aimed at like women my age. Right. But then there's no studies. It doesn't, it's not medically proven to help with anything. Is it not? It adds water to your muscles. There's no studies to say it helps with any of the stuff. if you wear it on Instagram it's not usually right no that is true see I've heard it's the most researched supplement that there is Roy McNoor takes 20 grams a day of it oh well for women's health oh for women's health there's no studies on women's health anyway moving on wow wow he's joking I'm totally joking I'm baiting you I'm totally joking Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba.

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25:36What I can't bear is girls in their 20s who live near the ocean telling me I should breathe more. And they drink, there's like a drink that they drink. Matcha. Morning routine. Matchas. I didn't know. Grrrr. Grrrr. Put me ages to work out. Get ready with me. Get ready with me. It took me so long. I was like, yeah. Girl, girl, girl, woman. Girl, woman. Yeah. Yeah, why the old thing? Get ready with me. And the thing that it's what the drinking. And you know when you really want to show a picture of you that I, so many times I've been like, listen, little bitch. Little fucking bitch. Here's a picture of me at the same age.

26:24I lived off fucking um Schlambert and Butler yeah Finder's Crispy Pancakes Lucas Zed yeah and Luke and then what was those ones in the blue bottle Panda Pop no the ice you know the Alka Pops oh VK Blue VK Blue VK I was a smurf on the inside it was all a drink I looked exactly the same as them it's like genetics is that right just the young you're just young don't come preaching to me I know I got a comment green goddess underneath to be picked and I'll pay you to find out how you look how do I how do you look 22 22 there's so many times I've wanted to comment you green fucking little bitch shut the fuck up in that fucking hotel you've rented out for a week and done a year's worth of Instagram spam posts.

27:26Yeah, you've nailed it. You've nailed it. You've nailed it. It's true. Wow. It's so true. There was another one. A friend of a friend commented on it. I won't say who it was. Right. There was someone had posted a picture of them now and a picture of them 15 years ago and a friend of a friend had put, she looks a lot older now. Was it not? That happened to Rihanna recently. Somebody put something on saying like Rihanna's aged. It's like, yeah, because it was 20 years ago when she was at that, like when she first came out. She's aged 20 years. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, she should look different. There was another one.

28:06Madness. I know I got really irate. I was like, I follow this, I think it's because I follow this hairdresser from Sheffield. And so I think it was showing me, and she's lovely. And I sometimes comment because she set up her own business. She's really young. She's done really well for herself. and she's like really good with Instagram stuff and I always like try to comment on it. So it's been showing me other ones of like young girls. There's this lass, she's from, I sound awful, I sound really mean, but from Doncaster and she's doing a mate's hair and they're filming it and she's saying, I'm going to give you old money blonde.

28:41Like, you live in fucking Doncaster, you're both 22. What are you on about old money blonde? Where are you going to take your old money blonde hair to, Nando's? Old money blonde? Old money blonde. What's old money blonde? I think they mean, well, they've heard it somewhere. Old money like. Old money. Like rich older ladies. Chelsea. Like that guy who goes round, have you seen that Instagram? Goes round, I think it's Miami or somewhere like that. And they're just dripping with like Chanel, these older ladies. and he's like what are you wearing and they're like Chanel and then they've got something else and they're like it's just fascinating Palm Beach Palm Beach right brilliant but you just think like they haven't had like a normal conversation in 25 years like if they met someone like us they'd just be like what the fuck yeah they wouldn't know what was going on but that's old money blonde yeah yeah that's what it is yeah that's not what that's so funny but I know I know but then they see it all online don't they that's what they want to live they want to live and in a real in a I don't know it's the vanity though innit it's like it's become like alright to be that a narcissist like I get it like if you like I don't know there's certain people I think yeah it's you know that's your job there's some people it's like why are you posing like that I know.

30:16I think we're on a very similar menu. We think the same on this. I find it insane. But I don't know if it's just a trend at the minute. Possibly when we were younger, there was trends. I remember skinny jeans with thongs hanging out. I used to have my thong hanging above my jeans. Gross. No, that's all right.

30:39There was a moment when I looked at it, I thought, she's going to be fine with this. Do you remember that? I'm absolutely fine with this. The thong is just above the jeans. So the problem is that was your trend though. So that was on your time. Yeah, so we were all right with it. I think like just to put like obviously I'm a man and when I want to put, if I'm going to put a photo on Instagram, I feel like it has to be interesting or funny. I don't just go, oh, I look nice in this suit or I look nice in this top so I'm putting myself on. It would, I'd be fucking mortified. But it seems to be a thing where people do it more and more now.

31:10I see so many people and it's just, oh great weekend or whatever it's just a photo of them in front of a fucking door and all the different stuff they were wearing and i'm like what the fuck is that like i don't understand like fine like fine hey you look great like maybe i don't know maybe your fashion's your thing i don't know what you're trying to do but i'm just like i i find it hard to post anything on the internet anyway i don't post many things i talk about me tour i post stuff for this podcast i'll post something funny if it's hilarious if it's weird but i can't be like just me looking good.

31:41Hey, have a good Monday, everyone. No, no. One, I don't think I ever fucking look good. And two, stick your Monday up your ass. I've got a draft, I've got a video drafted, actually, of you farting in the living room. Remember that one? Oh, that's a good one. It's not like that you can put on. Yeah, that's funny. We've got a question that you're going to read out, please. Yeah. Thank you so much. Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. Will you keep them anonymous? Yeah. We will. We always do. Don't worry. Here is a story for my time working as a junior doctor in A &E. Oh, yes. Always good.