Please Keep Me Anonymous with Rosie Jones

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0:41But it turns out that's very illegal. So there goes my big idea for the commercial. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch. Upfront payment of$45 for three months,$90 for six months, or$180 for 12-month plan required. $15 per month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra. Initial plan term only. Greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy. See terms. Hi, you're listening to Shagmai Denoid. Please keep me anonymous. Part of the Shagmai Denoid extended universe. We are joined this week by the fantastically funny Rosie Jones. Had a hell of a chat, didn't we? Genuinely so nice to actually get to know her because I've never had a proper conversation with her.

1:16I've watched her on every television program under the sun. Yeah, yeah. Because that girl is booked and blessed. Booked and blessed. So funny. so funny and she's going back to the Edinburgh Fringe this year for the first time in seven years with a show called I Can't Tell What She's Seeing which is a phenomenal title she'll be at Pleasant's Courtyard Cabaret Bar from the 5th of August to the 30th of August not the 17th that's the day off back in my day didn't have a day off lazy Rosie but whatever at 4pm rosiejonescomedy.com for tickets just had a great chat she's so funny so lovely had a lovely time me too enjoy we had a fight about the jingle Jingle, jingle, jingle.

1:56We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Jingle. What are you doing? The full run. Oh, my God. I didn't think you were. I thought you were. Oh, wow. All right. So you're not doing a Now I'm Famous limited run. Oh, I see. And Ed Gamble work in progress. Oh no I'm a pot Oh do you know what it is You're like Yeah See she's the real deal Because you could have You could have just gone and done Six nights And Done Eating Yeah A little bit Oh nice I haven't done it for a year God I think My last year was probably Gosh 2013 maybe Yeah Yeah Oh no no no no Oh actually And that was a limited run.

2:55Robin was born, we got married 2014. I've never done it since. No, I never did it when we had kids. Are you sure? Never done the Edmund Fringe when we had kids. No. But didn't you do one of them really horrible, sort of just like, I'm famous now, I'm just doing two nights? Yeah, I wasn't even famous. It was fucking empty. No, you did, you did. What are you doing, Rosie? Hang on. Pleasant's Courtyard. Yeah. Nice. Which one? Is that what it's called? The Cabaret Bar. Oh, beautiful. which I really love, in the centre bit. Yeah. But I love it that I feel so creative and I make sure that I see three or four other shows every day.

3:44No, like a fucking reviewer? My God. That's like a reviewer schedule, three or four shows a day. that's crazy I love it though I just think I got the best job in the world just to make people laugh but then I love watching other people and going oh yeah you can do it that way is there anyone who you're really you looking forward to seeing? So one of my very good friends is Helen Bower. Helen Bower. And if you don't know her, look her up. She's got the biggest personality out there and she's doing her work in progress. and that always excites me to see a comic working it out on stage so you were going to go and see her at the beginning of the work in progress run and then at the end of the progress run and say how it got that would be my worst nightmare doing a work in progress run and thinking comics could come at the beginning of the end and the worst bit being them going at the end you didn't fucking change anything this is the same as day one It's not progress.

5:20If anything you've gone back...

5:27This is worse on the... Oh, that would be such a... Oh, no. Are you going to party or are you going to take it easy? How are you feeling? Well, I did my first full run in 2017 and my show was 3pm to 4. Nice. And at 4pm I would have a triple rum every day. Triple rum? 4pm triple rum? Straight or with? Straight. Straight triple rum? Yeah. That's it. It's the only thing I enjoy straight. and then I will carry on drinking all night. That year, I took up smoking. I'm not surprised. You've got to have a tab with the rum. You've got to take the taste of the rum out of your mouth. But a lot has changed in 10 years.

6:41I still like a drink, but at the moment, I'm only drinking one alcoholic drink a week. And I love it. I use it. It's an occasion. So I think I'll carry that on at the fridge. Was it a pint of rum? Yeah, yeah. Just every week. I think you should treat yourself and I think you should have two a week. Maybe. Maybe. As a comedian who's done the Fringe numerous times and I know you and I know who you hang around with and I know you like a drink, there is no way on this fucking earth. So you're telling me you're going to have four drinks at the Fringe? No chance. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Four drinks at the fridge, you have got no chance, mate.

7:44No way. I'm going to, you know, I always sit on the train to Edinburgh and I go, I'm not going to drink. I'm going to join the gym. I'm going to eat food every day. No, it doesn't happen. Everyone does. You'll be at that burger van every day. Have you ever been to Palmyra? Yes. In Edinburgh? What is it? A kebab shop. Oh, okay. Nice. I might not be drinking alcohol, but best to be sure that I'm having my daily kebabs. Yeah. Chicken swans. Like proper kebab meat. Yeah, like chicken shawarmas and that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to be done. Treat yourself. I've got a revelation for you. I don't think it's going to be as nice when you're sober.

8:53Oh, no. A kebab is very much a four rooms and onward food. Oh, Rosie and Buckner. You're going to... No, see. Oh, I'm sorry. You're going to be devastated. Oh, God. Last year I went one further and I had a donut kebab pizza. Oh, nice. Well, I was drunk, so I think it was. I'm not a big kebab fan. What? I know. I know. Gosh. Why? Get out! Get out! No, and it's not because I'm not, like, I love shitty food. I'm not trying to be a good snobby. I'm not like, oh, no. It's just not my cup of tea. It leaves a funny taste in your mouth, I think. Do you not find after? You're like... I think Rosie thinks that's the best bit.

9:53Okay, fair enough. But also, it is only about the sauces. Well, yeah, okay. I'm going to suck off a garlic sauce. I just need to soak it in garlic. Right, fair enough. Fair enough. But do you know what I had for the first time last year? What? I had a chicken tikka pizza. Oh. It was like the curry. Do you know the chicken tikka you get in the curry? Bright red. Bright red. It was on top of the pizza. I didn't stop thinking about it for about six months. Really? I swear, I haven't had it since, but it was, oh my God. Yeah, I remember when you had it. that you went on about forever. It was so good.

10:34Yeah. See, I'm not sure about chicken on the pizza. Really? What do you think I'm having on the pizza? All I don't know about a little bit of chicken, but I'll just have a plate while I go. Something about the kebab meat, the fact that they've got to shave it off the initial bit that it's on really always makes us feel a bit weird. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? No, I don't even want to know how it gets on there. No, I know. And you don't know what it is, really. But it's fine. No, people love kebab. Yeah, it's not like kebabs are. I don't want to ruin it. We all know. Bye. Let's not kebab shame.

11:19Exactly. This isn't the place to be doing it. What time is your show this year? Oh, four o 'clock. Oh, room o 'clock. Yeah. You cheated it one hour You know what This says a lot About where I am In my career That I was like I will do the full run I'll love it I'll enjoy it But wait I don't want my show to get in the way of my enjoyment. So I'll get it done and then from 5pm, party time. No, good fight. And do you know what though? You are at a place in your career. I was reading your notes just while I was getting ready and you've done so much stuff. So you are at that point in your career where you can rightfully say, No.

12:24I'll do the 4pm stuff. I'm not doing it at all. I wish I could do 4pm on tour. Yeah. I wish venues would let you do 4pm. Oh, my God. It's so good. I know. You know what? It's interesting you say that because I've now been doing comedy for 10 years. And I still feel guilty when I take a day off of a book of holiday. Because when you work for yourself, you feel guilty. You feel lucky to be able to work. And I love what I do. But yet in Edinburgh, I thought, go in there early. Get them one or two drinks. And before they get on the Jager bomb, fuck up. You got it bang on. I think time shifts in Edinburgh slightly.

13:44I think like at 8 o 'clock some people book 8 o 'clock because you know your big acts will go I remember when I first started the big guys would go and they would do oh he's on at 8 o 'clock oh he's on at 8 o 'clock 8 o 'clock in Edinburgh it's about 11 o 'clock realistically your 8 o 'clock audience they've had a few drinks during the day they've been walking around loads they've seen a few shows time shifts that's like catching up at home audience at 11 o 'clock at night they're drowsy they're pissed for me 4 o 'clock is perfect Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. That's the sound of zero sugar, 200 milligrams of caffeine and the power to burn body fat.

14:22Storm, energy for life. Storm Energy Blend helps boost metabolism, which in combination with exercise and a healthy diet helps burn fat. This product alone does not produce weight loss. Individual results may vary. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. I feel like we need to take a minute to talk about the fringe because I'd never been. Bear in mind, we live up north. Oh, she's been since. I've been, but until I met Chris, I'd never been. and I know so many people who haven't been and I think that you're genuinely, like if you've not been, you're really missing out. It is such a good experience. If you are a fan of comedy and say no, everyone should be a fan of comedy.

15:03I disemple people who go, I don't like comedy because it's like, what, you don't like being happy. if you want a good happy positive time get yourself to the fringe because you'll not only see some of your favourite comedians. I just love the fact that every street you go down is full of performers. I love taking a punt and just walking into a venue and watching a show. And sure, sometimes it is bullshit. But sometimes you'll see a wonderful comic at the start of a career. And even now when I go up there, people stop me and they go, I came to see you when you were on the free fringe at Calgate.

16:42And it feels like a secret club. It's so exciting. Oh, there's no, but oh my God. That feeling when you've seen like a band or a comedian or an actor when they first started and then they get massive and you're literally like, I saw you. I did it with loads of it. You got very smug with it. You know the smash, do you remember Smash Hits, the magazine? Yeah. Well, I went to like a smash hits concert, right? Near where we live. And there was like, before they all got massive, it was 9-1-1. And like all the sort, not honestly, but me and me friend went. We had no idea who they were. they didn't know the songs but then they got massive and we were like we saw them at Smash It and I've never met them but if I did I'd go I saw you at Metroland where we live they used to all go to Metroland yeah this is Shopping Centre in the North East it's gone now Metroland it was a theme park inside of Shopping Centre it was a theme park what Rosie it was fucking class it was so good the one I caused out of the lot they've got rid yeah they've got rid of it and to the point where now that we've got kids who hate going shopping.

17:50I would love that to be back because I could go around the Metro Centre, Chris could take them to Metroland and it doesn't exist. Why it doesn't exist anymore? Can we reopen it? It was amazing. Come on. Imagine. Collectively, we've got enough money to reopen Metroland. Me worry is, Rosie, it probably wasn't making much money. so let's let's reopen it but let's go bankrupt oh no because actually when the kids are in school what's it doing that's probably it yeah so it was probably you know you're talking during the week and stuff it was probably a night long that's it we need to lure more kids out of school stop it I was going with it that's a hell of a business yeah Rosie Jones said fuck school imagine you're on Dragon's Den so what I want to do is I want to lure kids out of school to this theme park that I've put in in a shopping centre.

18:51I'm out. Peter Jones will be in. Rosie, if you hadn't done comedy, what do you think you'd be doing now? What career? Prison. I always say hopefully I'll never get banged up But if I did find myself in prison, I would thrive.

19:31What do you mean? Do you know what? I can see it. You're really charismatic, they'd fall for you. What do you think? Give me a day and be daddy. I'd be top dog. Give me a day and I'd be top dog. What are you in for? What are you in for in this scenario?

20:03Something cheeky. Theft. You're a bit of robberies. Maybe removing bats from your house. Yeah. Something cheeky. something cheeky bit of a bit of fraud cheeky bit of fraud yeah just a cheeky not to any not the old and the vulnerable like someone mid-age yeah a billionaire yeah yeah nothing but a direct victim no no okay amazing and uh I'd have about four or five girlfriends of course yeah hey why the fuck not can I just please Can I just for a moment point out, especially the phrase four or five girlfriends, how much different this would be if I was seeing them. How much worse it would be if I...

20:56I'm going to be honest with you. Don't think I could pull that joke off. Don't think I'll pull that joke off. And that is why I love being disabled. You do. I love that.

21:14Honestly, I can sit here and go, I will be amazing in prison and I guarantee you got a load of listeners going, oh, isn't she cute? Really? They don't really know Do you feel like you can get away with a lot more? Oh yeah And I love it Really? I think that's why I started comedy in the first place Because even now people feel awkward around disability and I want to go out there and be like, yeah, I'm disabled, but look at me. I'm fully confident. I love my life. And if you let me get away with shit, that's on you. You'll fucking rock the place. I love that is class by the way that's fucking mint I'm not saying that being from the North East is also a disability but we can get away with a lot more with the accent not that it's I am not saying it I needed this so I needed to say that because I feel like you or you would have got in there with it so I had to preload that because I know what I'm fucking dealing with here but I feel like I get away I've been able to get away with a lot more in my career just because of the bit of charm, bit of cheek, bit of a smile so god It's like a fucking Christmas day for you, isn't it?

23:08It's so good. It's quite nice. But what do you think you'd be doing, though? You did work behind the scenes, didn't you? You worked behind the scenes for writing. Yes, that's it. So I worked on loads of comedy shows and I started out writing jokes for comedians. And I remember the first time Jimmy Carr said a joke that I had written. And my first thought was, yay, people are laughing. And my second thought was, wait a minute, people are laughing at Jimmy's. I want to get that price. So I thought, wait a minute, comedians get paid more for less work. I'll do that. Can you remember the joke? No.

24:27No? Was it on Cats? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. That's great. I love that though. But then also, even 10 years ago, you didn't really get disabled comedians. So for ages, I thought, I can't be a stand-up because I speak slowly. People will get to their punchline before I do.

25:12You cheeky little mix. But then I thought, wait a minute, if I just structure it so that every single joke I say, people cannot guess where it's going to go. So, I just done a great example, like when you said, what would you be doing? You could not have guessed that I would say prison until I, with the control, said prison. And because I had the control and it surprised you, that's where the comedy comes from. Wow, yeah, so you just constantly pull them in the other direction. Yeah. And so that's something systematically that you think, right, I can't go for the obvious punchline here. I have to pull this.

26:34Yeah. Yeah. Brilliant. And for me, every syllable matters. So I got to write a joke, I type it out, And then I literally go, oh, it will take me too long to say fantastic. Right. Because as soon as I say fantastic, people will go, oh, she's saying fantastic. I never thought about that, you know. So I go, oh, I'll say great. So it's just the one. Yeah. Oh, I never thought about that. I really think every comic, regardless of how critical should do that, Because I watch a lot of comedians and they go, they're awful now. They got to the joke and then they've added one more sentence that they didn't need.

28:00that we're so difficult to write a dream life. That's a really good idea. You used to waffle horrendously, do you remember? Sorry, no, just like, I used to work in radio for Capital and you had 13 seconds to talk. It was like, come on, come on, come on, come on. So when we started doing the podcast... She was like me producer. She was like me producer and me co-host. It was like, get the point, shut the fuck up, get the point. I've stopped doing it now. I used to do this. And you'd go, stop it, we're not in a hurry. and I go, you're taking too long to get to the end of the joke. But I think that's a comedian's thing and especially when there's no laughter.

28:38You used to really struggle because it was just us two doing it. No laughter. He'd be like, and I'm going, I've laughed a little bit. They are laughing, it's fine. I've stopped doing that. Thankfully we'll film it now so she can't fucking sit there and do that. Anyone listening who's just listening on audio, by the way, she would do almost like a helicopter's rota like wind it up wind it up god it was there nothing really kills the confidence in a story you're saying than your wife looking at you spinning her hand round going fucking hurry up man come on got chicken in the oven but comedians I think just want to just get to the funniest joke and funniest part and sometimes it can actually yeah I think we always think there's a bigger laugh and I think sometimes what the way you've just talked about how you structure right and I think it's a perfect way of just going no no bang there isn't if there is a bigger laugh we're not going to fucking look for it we're going to finish a joke yeah that's it there I can't claim it.

29:34It's actually a Guardian article written by Emma Thompson, but she compared writing jokes to having sex, and she found that a lot of male comedians did a build up, build up, build up, big joke and they leave it and that's okay but what I do and what I found a lot of female comedians still is you build it slowly you have a little joke a bigger joke an even bigger joke you have your pinnacle orgasmic puncturing and then I always like just adding a little bit extra but they're rolling over already in bed and we're still going home we always want more I love it you've got a story to read out for us if you don't mind.

31:09I do. Please, Rosie. I don't meet many other Rosies, do you? No. No. Also, is that your full name? No, I'm Rosemary. Oh. What are you? I'm George Rosie. George Rosie. My mum and dad gave me a dog's name. I like it, though. I like being a Rosie. Also, you don't meet a bad Rosie. Never. Never. No Not yet Does Rose count? Rose I don't know my nose Here's a question What? What?

31:51Yeah she's a man She can't join our club She knew exactly what I was getting at Yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah She's not She's not a Rosie She's not a Rosie She's a Rose and she's a bitch Yeah I mean she's a bit more than a bitch although actually can I tell you no she's at Durham prison and loads of people who are not know but know people know other people women they say she's lovely Rose West they say she's really nice fuck me Rosie first of all I love a bitch Rose West if you're listening you're a nasty pasty oh you're a fucking bitch you're a tinker and you shouldn't have done that and bad bad was worse that was naughty you can't be with us do better like I feel like you cannot kill a lovely kid and then say if you please thank you and then be like oh she's so fucking right she's so right I know but I'm not saying she's redeemed herself or anything she was like hey our cell's always clean no bother her don't know what the fuss was about it's all I done it fucking hell man Rosie oh my god alright we are not advocating on Shagmary annoyed in any way that Rose West is a nice person I guarantee it no I'm sorry I'm sick read your fucking story

33:43just no much people have said that she gets don't double down on it don't double down on it I'm not saying it just she keeps her head down right right yeah she's doing her time yeah

33:57if this is about prison or murder I'm going to die. Incredible. Right, dear Chris and Rosie, and Rosie. Oh, yes. Please keep me anonymous. I don't want my sister-in-law to be judged by anyone. I can't promise. All right, okay. My sister-in-law puts her teenage boy's toilet seat in the dishwasher. What? What the fuck? They are 19 and 16 and they have their own bathroom. I have been there and it's just the boys' bathroom. However, absolutely not. Next time we go, we are taking our own cutlery and plays. We are all very upset by it. That's really good. That's really good.

35:36Thoughts from you and your guests. Right, okay. I feel like Chris might have something to say about this. I have got so many things to say. One, it's not an easy job to get a toilet seat off. I think it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. It's not an easy thing. So she's either gone, all right, right, here's my first thing. She's done it a few times and gone, we need some different toilet seats. These are too hard to get on and off. That's ridiculous behaviour. And again, yeah, are you washing the dishwasher after this? Because we've got toilet water, we've got piss, we've got spunk, let's be honest to you, the teenage boys, we've got shit.

36:18all going in your dishwasher how often you're cleaning the filters how often you're cleaning that dishwasher I'm angry you just wash the you just wash the toilet yeah a bit of flash a bit of flash other cleaners are available bit of dead hole or whatever wipe it I don't know what a dishwasher does that I bet as but I wouldn't yeah and how clean do these little princes need their fucking toilet seats I know do you not think some people love like using their stuff does that sound really as I look at that I'm great what do you mean so like I think some people go when someone has got something like when air fryers got really popular people were like I'm gonna do me full Christmas dinner in the air fryer like like leaving the oven redundant this person might have just got a dishwasher and they're like I'm washing I'm never washing a dish or a toilet seat ever again and they've just Do you know what I mean?

37:20When people love their stuff. Where do you stop, though? Toilet seats, wheel trims from your car. That's what I'm saying. I don't screw with it every time. Every time? They're going to have to, aren't they? No. I hate it. We've got two little boys. And sometimes we've got more than usual toilets in our house. It's quite a big house. Live in the north. live in the north sometimes they will wee in a toilet and forget to flush it I'll go in there a couple of days later it fucking stinks horrible it's not like it smells like fish yeah it's horrible one of them wee'd one of them wee'd in the toilet in the loft and I'm not kidding it must have been there a week it's disgusting I made the mistake of wee 'ing into it and I broke the film on the top oh my god it's so upset it was so bad it was like cat food it smelled like cat food I know and if it's the older one who like he sometimes loves a little Diet Coke and that and his diet's not great it's just not good I know it's not good but I'm still not I'm still not I'm not putting it in the dishwasher it's ridiculous stop it if you're listening and you put your children's toilet seat in the dishwasher you're a maniac just spray it how much water and electricity are you wasting as well just spray it with some flash and be done with it or there might be TikTokers I'm gonna say something that I feel like my upset Chris so I'm very anti it because of how long it will take to unscrew it but that I do have a toilet seat in with a plate and cutlery doesn't bother me No.

39:16What? It's all getting clean. I know, but it's piss. But it's being cleaned off. Rosie, I can't. Everything will be cleaned by the end of it. Yeah. Okay, so. Okay, all right, okay. Here's my issue. You go. Here's my issue with it, right? Use them. Rosie, new TV show, right? Me and you. You have a dishwasher. you just clean toilet seats in it teenage boys toilet seats in it for a year I'll have a dishwasher I'll just clean this show's going to run for a year every day I'll just clean plates and dishes in it at the end of the year we'll take the filters out of the dishwasher we'll test them no you've got to drink one okay which one are you drinking alright yeah we'll fill one up with water end of the year we'll fill one up with water you've got to drink a pint of water out of it are you drinking it out of the one that's got the toilet seats for a year or the one that's had the plates for a year what an obvious is obviously obviously obviously you're full of shit just like that fucking dishwasher