Please Keep Me Anonymous with Russell Howard

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0:48Plus, buy online and pick up at your favorite rack store for free. Great brands, great prices. That's why you rack. You are about to listen to us having a lovely little chat with a very, very famous British stand-up comedian, Russell Howard. Yeah, I mean, genuinely, bit of a hero of mine from back in the day. When I first started stand-up, I would watch Russell. I tried not to tell him too much when I see him. I think I told him back in the day. I think I'd be able to freak him out years ago. You probably did. It's funny, though, because he seems like he's been around for a long time, but he's not that much older than us.

1:22In reality, he's not. I'm telling you, there's something going on. there's a painting in his loft which is absolutely fucked because he's made a deal with the devil that kid again I didn't want to say to him on the day he looked amazing I don't know what he's doing like I need a secret off him we chat to him about loads of stuff it's a really really interesting chat he's an interesting guy he is we chat about parenthood sleepless nights because he's just had a young one that's why he looks so pretty cool come on we'll check back in with him in four years yeah exactly if you want to listen to talk about comedy stuff oh wow Wow, wow.

1:55Too comedic. We're talking about the process of writing. We'll touch on that. He's a very pure stand-up. He loves the art form of stand-up. You cut him and he bleeds comedy, I tell you that. And he's on tour from January next year with his show Don't Tell the Algorithm. Love that title. For tickets, russell-howard.co.uk. And new episodes of Russell's podcast, Russell Howard's Five Brilliant Things, are released every Wednesday. And you can find it wherever you get your podcasts. Sorry, I'm not allowed. Wherever. Fucking hell, it's supposed to be short and professional. No, you can find it wherever you get your podcasts.

2:26You still do that? What am I doing? It doesn't matter. Am I swallowing the ever? You can find it wherever... I can't see it.

2:37You can find it on all your good podcast shops. There you are. Fuck everyone. Enjoy. We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle. So this is the jingle jingle We hope you like the jingle jingle Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba Jingle Hello, you're listening to Shag Married Annoyed. Please keep me anonymous with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Hello, and we are joined on this episode by the one, the only, it's Russell Howard, everyone. Russell. Hi. Hello, hello. Hi. Are you Christopher around the house? Oh. Did you just Christopher me?

3:20Yeah, I did. That's really weird. I didn't even know I'd done it then, actually. You really luxuriated, didn't you? And my husband, Christopher. Christopher. Interesting. I wondered if it was Christopher when he was being told off. Yeah, I'm going to... It was Christopher because you were in love. You kind of had that vibe. Did it? Oh, Christopher. Yeah. Well, let's go with that one. If you shouted Christopher in the Throws of Passion, I would go immediately floppy. Who's that guy? Immediate flop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Immediate flop. We don't need Chris to answer to anything else in our house anymore because any time I shout a kid's name, Chris thinks that I'm talking to him and it drives us mad.

3:56Any noise. Rafe and Chris are like, what do you want? Has this always been a problem? Because you must have found registers at school tricky. Just like, me, yeah, present, I'm here. I'm like, Chris. It's all about Chris. I don't quite understand. So what is that? Is it your tone? And you hear it like, Robert? You're hearing Chris. Yeah, she just wheels. you just wheel in it yeah but I I think it's causing the house I feel like I need to be across everything right they just shout to the kids but I'm like well I can sort this what do you need I can sort this I see so you're kind of like you're the manager you're the assistant coach yeah yeah yeah that kind of feels like as soon as the manager starts talking you've also got to get on the touchline yeah yeah yeah and show the kids that you're part of the team yeah yeah yeah that's that's so fucking accurate it actually hurts I'm actually really pissed off about that well you do you do try but that's what it is That's what it's been, particularly when, so my son is 15 months old and you realise that your role now is sort of sous chef to the main cook.

4:55Do you know what I mean? And it's just your job to, cup of tea? Do you want a cup of tea? Would you like a cup of tea? While you do everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. While you either create, give birth and feed. Cup of tea? Cup of tea. McCoy's crisps? I like how quickly you've realised that as well, though. So it takes, some people take. I don't think, yeah, it took me more than 18 months. Last I haven't realised it, but yeah, 18 months. But then also the great thing we have as dads is you have, like there's such little expectation of us. So you do something like the other day, my wife was asleep in the hotel with my son and I nipped out to get some bread to make sandwiches for my son on the train to go home.

5:33Yeah, but that's nothing. And your face went, oh my God, that's so. And all I did was make a sandwich. And yet suddenly I'm a good guy. Yeah, that's fucking come on in and brag about it. I know, I know. Yeah, come on, yeah, give it a big look. But in the grand scheme of things, I've done fuck all. I've made a sandwich. Chris has never made a sandwich. You've caused some bother in my house as well. I really don't. Apologies. Oh, no, my mum, my mum worships the ground that Chris walks on. He thinks he's like the best dad in the world. Fantastic. She's great. I think it's because my dad wasn't, oh, no, I love my dad to pieces.

6:05I adore him, but he wasn't like, he wasn't a very modern dad, like what dads are now. And so Chris can do the slightly tiniest thing. And my mum's like, he's great. It's so fascinating when you sort of compare your sort of parenting style to your kids, certain to your folks. And when they just give away something, like my dad said when my son was born, he went, incredible, isn't it? I remember when you were born, I never felt love like it. And you're like, well, you kept that crying. He was so indifferent to me, I became a comedian. So where's this been? But it's like he waited after 45 years to go, oh, so love you.

6:44But it's great that you get in with your... I get on really well with my mother-in-law as well. Oh, I'm just a saint. I love her. To the point of where when Rosie will try to slag her off to me, I'm like, you're bottom of the wrong tree. You are bottom of the wrong tree. I will not have a bad word said against that woman. Yeah. That's very nice. To the point of where we have a What's Your Beef section on the podcast. And the other week, I started having a go at Rosie. I was saying, yours do scramble eggs and you leave the pan and it's always stuck. You use the wrong pan for scramble eggs. She went, I don't make scramble eggs.

7:08I went, oh, is your mum? It's fine then. I think I don't care. my in-law is that she um she's got a t-shirt of mine that she hates so whenever she comes around to stay she'll hide it what do you mean she'll i'll try and find my t-shirt it's a barbados t-shirt with lots of rips in and she doesn't like it so she just puts it in different areas of the house yeah she goes into your wardrobe and hides a t-shirt this is my theory the other theory is i've lost it and i'm with you i've said to my wife your mom's been in there and you know my My wife is doing what you both did. Okay, so she's gone in our cupboard, found your special t-shirt and hid it from you.

7:48Has she? But I'm convinced she has. I think you might have lost it. I really do. That's what happens though, eh? I'm sort of surviving on three hours sleep and it makes gigs so much fun because there's that, the thrill that you could have a breakdown. And then the audience - Wow. Because the audience - You've got too good at standup. But who doesn't want that? You know what I mean? It's like, was he funny? Yeah, he was great. Versus, no, he wrote help me in his own shit. that's the story do you know what i mean you kind of i didn't you found that when you were working it's sort of the that but that level of kind of like treadmill fatigue where you're you know it's so brilliant and i love being a parent but you're suddenly kind of so broke because we've been stand-ups forever so we've been able to indulge we've slept like teenagers yeah until we're 45 and then suddenly you've got to get up at six because someone's going daddy oh my god and it's It's the best thing in the world.

8:41And yeah, at three in the morning, it's tough to hear. He did it to me this morning. We were in the hotel this morning. No, no, no, not for all. You, we woke up. What was it? Half, was it seven o 'clock? Half past seven, the alarm went off, which is a lie in for us. That was a lie in. And he just looked at me and he went, can I go downstairs? And I literally was like, because the kids straight away, come go downstairs. I turned on, I come downstairs, she went, oh God, shut up. So were the kids, were you all in the room together? No, they don't come to London. Are you mad? Look at that. You were so united then straight away.

9:11We don't bring them to work. I couldn't concentrate. There's loads of people in this industry and they're just like, yeah, my kids are in the dressing room. And I'm like, oh, I'd be, and I get it and I think it's great and I think it's wonderful, but I would just be on edge. I remember doing, and it's not comparable, but I remember doing a gig once in Stockton and my dog was in the dress room and I just couldn't concentrate. I knew you were going to see a dog. In my head, I'm going, I was trying to concentrate. I'm going, he's savage somebody. Like not that he would ever do that. But you know when your brain has just gone to that point, I could see him with his jaws around someone's front.

9:42I think exactly the same about our kids. I think they've savaged someone. Exactly. They're pissed in every corner. You've just done that thing, mate. You know when you're talking to someone, you've got kids, and you're talking to someone who hasn't got kids, but they go, oh, no, I know the love you feel because I've got a dog. And you go, I'm over the moon for you that you love your dog, but it's fucking so different. I can't believe how different it is. It's the best thing ever. It is. Congratulations, by the way. Yeah, it's wonderful. for it's really good yeah do you talk about in your stand-up and stuff yeah kind of i i sort of i find it i do but i kind of want it it's that tricky thing because it's a bit like explaining what your tattoo means no one gives a shit like do you know what i mean you know when someone says do you want to know what it means like no you should know and i don't care you know and so you sort of i feel like you have to be quite sort of picky yeah as to the stuff you talk about and it feels like everything's been chatted about so i kind of agree i've zoned in on certain things i go i don't feel like i've heard this um and i also don't want to kind of misrepresent him and i said i'm quite protective we're not kind of giving his name out and all this sort of stuff just yeah i but he's i find him so funny but then i'm aware that that wouldn't be hilarious for everyone but it's that incredible feeling of like all the cliches are true like he's sort of learning to walk at the minute and he's got this kind of lion trolley thing that he kind of pushes along and sort of just pushing the lines got a really serious face for his doing it and he just looks up at me and my wife we're on the sofa going yay and he just waved at us and he's got no idea that he's given us a memory yeah we will never forget and he was so sort of cosmically lovely and it went right into our souls and hearts but if you talk about that on stage people are like, oh yeah?

11:28Your son waved at you, and did he shit his pants? Do you know what I mean? It's sort of, so you're trying to weigh that up where you don't want to gloss over the truth to get to the gag. Do you know what I mean? I remember when I had a first son, I thought, oh yeah, I'll get loads of material. And then you go, it's like, that's like saying, I'll go to the airport and I'll get loads of material. It's been fucking done. The travelling's been done, the airport's been done, having kids been done, so you've got to wait until they've got specific things that only happen to you. Do you know what I mean?

11:59Like, that's exactly it. It is so funny, but nobody would go, you're going on a plane. Think of the stuff. What is the deal with airline food? It's like, yeah. But it's that funny thing where, because we have a similar sort of stand up style, it's that thing where it's sort of, you know, a mixture of like things that happen to you and sort of ideas and whatever. Did you ever find yourself doing stuff, deliberately putting yourself in harm's way so stuff would happen? so you have yeah it's so funny when skydiving twice it's dog shit yeah that's the funniest thing when you do something in your life that's actually fun and then you come away from going I've got nothing from that yeah yeah yeah other than pure enjoyment in my actual self I did it the first time I wrote a routine about it someone went you should have filmed that I did it the second time and filmed it wow so the story came from the second time yeah that was the show that was when we first started going out I dated a guitarist once and he used to write songs right it was so dramatic he was so saw the drama and I was like you just want a song yeah he's just lived this dramatic life just so he could write about that's so honestly I didn't think you were like that I used to be like I was stand up I really did used to be like I would go and go this will be a thing and never is oh the drama I was so dramatic was when you're kind of like and sorry to go into old relationships Chris no no we're fine good good good did you ever try are you going to talk about his ex no no no I'm on about this good time oh sorry on my ex no he's going to ask us about my exes and I'll tell you right now, yes, I miss them all, do you?

13:24Stop, yeah, go on. Did you ever try and get in any of the songs? Did you ever try and harmonize or sort of, because that would be the thing, I've got a mate of mine who's a musician and I'm like, I think every kind of comic, you were always like secretly, I think I could write a lyric or two and I've sort of hung out with him and just like, I've dropped so many hints to go, yeah, you know, and he couldn't be further away from, fuck off. But did you ever do that? Did you ever try and like, or did you find yourself in the part of the relationship where you'd had like something dramatic had happened thinking this is going to be a song?

13:58So, no, I don't know. And similarly, have you had that with Christopher and stand up? Okay, so more so with the latter. I know when Chris is, I know when something funny happens in our life and he'll get his phone out and we'll lose him for 10 minutes because he's writing it down. I love that. It's like, you know Halle Berry and X-Men where I always go all kind of I want a reference. Something terrible's happened in your life. No, we're losing. But then what happens, and you've got better at it, and I think I've just learned to deal with it. We'll go to a party, or for the next month, especially when you're about to go on tour, you'll just tell the same story over and over again to see if it gets a laugh.

14:39And that's something I had to learn to just live with about being with the comedians. Because you'd be like, well, and then when I said it, I was like, you're just telling the same story. And you'd be like, well, yeah, I need to know if it's funny before I actually put it into it. I'm refining it on these people. These are my friends, these are my audience. Yeah. But that never happened with the musician, sadly. Well, weirdly, that's happened to me once, the musician thing. I was sitting talking to Ed Sheeran. You were sitting on the dock of the bank? I was sitting talking to Ed Sheeran about having kids.

15:09I was talking about you. Well, no, I was sitting talking about having kids. And I told him something that someone had told me about, I think the exact thing I said was having a kid. It's like, someone said it was like, it's like your heart's outside of your chest walking around in the world. Yes. And he went, oh, I'm going to write it down. And he got fucking Ed Sheeran, gets his iPad and he writes the lyric down. And I'm like, I'm getting... I've never heard that in any of his fucking songs since. And I've listened intently. So we're going to get him on here soon. I'm going to have a go at him for it.

15:38Because I'm telling you what, honestly... It wasn't even your thing though. But I was just like, oh. But then I was like, I wonder if my name will be on the album. I'll get right in... He didn't even use it. I remember Jimmy Carr has a co-writing credit on Robbie Williams' last album. What? It's wild. Yeah, he was sort of telling me about, yeah, you know, I was just in the studio just kicking a few ideas around. What? He's got the maddest life. But that's what I mean. I was like, how does that happen? Oh, you know, just things. So what do you mean, just things? How does it happen? But yeah, crazy.

16:09Sorry, I read an email for this interview. Wasn't it at a Jimmy Carr party? you got mistaken by staff by andrew lloyd weber or something yeah yeah i read that in the car this morning what was that so andrew lloyd weber was at jimmy's house and jimmy was having one of his mad parties and uh he said uh can i have a look upstairs because he just presumed i was staff and i was like yeah and then jimmy was like have you seen andrew i said yeah i think he's in your bedroom just having a little wonder but um yeah as if you're going to give up that opportunity just to kind of see what's up at the top deck.

16:42That's good. We were at a party recently. That was like, that's the only time I really see you two. We sort of... Parties. So we're with the same agency. We're normally at parties. And the last one we're at, they're always kind of quite erotic, I would say. Is that what they say? Spicy. But there was a burlesque performance, which is such a lovely middle-class word for tit show. Do you know what I mean? It was a stripper, yeah. I missed that. Yeah, well, I was talking to my wife and all this kind of hullabaloo was going. And I was watching the audience watch the burlesque. It was fantastic. Just people go, oh, like that.

17:20And my wife's like, do you want to look? No, no, no, I'm fine. Just going to have a chat with you.

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18:43Download the State Farm app or go online at statefarm.com. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. I've got a question that I asked Joanne McNally earlier on. Okay. And it's funny because with you just having a child, you might have changed your opinion on this to before you had a child. Right. If you were in a zombie apocalypse, would you want to survive or would you want to just die? Oh, I'd want to survive. Oh, my God. All these survivors. You're just going to lie over and let them munch. I always feel like I have to explain the concept here. I just don't want to live. It would be awful.

19:21You'd be constantly looking over your shoulder. You'd have to just... I've been a stand-up for 22 years. It's a similar thing of they're going to find out they're going to get me. I've been living fight or flight for many years You're going to have your kid with you You're going to have to keep them quiet all the time I'm not going to say it's going to be an easy life But I think faced against Just being munched to death And then becoming a zombie Because that's the thing isn't it If you do yourself a way In the right way you wouldn't become a zombie So you would just Got to be the head But what if just at that moment You shoot yourself in the head let's say and you're just out the corner of this tiny membrane of yourself, you hear somebody go, I found the cure.

20:06Like that, and you're like, duh. That would be the risk. What if you sort of hang in there for like a week or a year or whatever and then before you know it, you kind of get to reform society? Nah. Nah, not me. Honestly, like such a quitter. When we watch anything, such a quitter. Really? What do you mean? Okay. Water the Dead, anything like that. I'll ask you a current question. are you watching the TV show Traitors? I've seen all of the kind of punter ones and I'm on episode one of the celebrity one. It's phenomenal. Yeah. It's so, I mean, we all knew Alan Carr was funny. He's, you forget, he's the funniest man in the world.

20:44He's hilarious. He's so funny. Yes. Would you be a traitor or a faithful to both of you? I'd want to be a traitor. Yeah, I'd be a faithful. I just... No, you couldn't, what? You couldn't be a traitor? Nah, because you have to... You've just got to lie. But you're lying for a reason. It's not like you're a liar. I see I'm such a competitive. So my wife is like, nobody could ever see the real sort of side of you, which is like, I like to kind of win at stuff. And then it would just be like, he's a bit of a dick. Do you know what I mean? It's that fear of people going, I like me on stage, but then when people meet the actual years.

21:16That's why I wouldn't ever do the jungle. People ask me all the time, would you do the jungle? I say no. Because the whole country would go, he is a miserable, whingeing, boring wanker. Yeah. That's my getting found out. But because, but who isn't? Like if you're starved and you're hanging out with kind of. It's that as well. You see them sitting around on the hammocks talking fucking bollocks. And it's that weird feeling of like having a shower, knowing the nation is watching. I remember having a shower in Thailand once and I looked out the window and there was a monkey masturbating and that was strange.

21:50But if you're on ITV and the entire nation is kind of watching you wash, It must be a really weird feeling. Yeah, I've just not. Do you know what I mean? Everyone's seen Joel's nipples, do you know what I mean? Yeah. And other bits. You sort of forget. That would be very strange, just that thing of like, oh, I'm going to have to have a wash because I'm stinking. And yet, you know, five billion people are watching you. And you are starving as well. And you're starving. I couldn't do that. I need to eat. Yeah. I would faint me when I get sent home. But that meal after the jungle must be seventh heaven.

22:23Do you know what I mean? I'd be ill. if you get voted out early and then you know you meet up with your family and you just get to hang out in a hotel for like six weeks in Australia yeah the nice hotel isn't it yeah is it apparently would you do it no nah I think I would I've always said I would really miss my kids I hate being away from my kids for too long I just don't I can't cope and I would I would be a mess yeah but also it's all that thing if you've managed to carve out this thing that is where you're kind of like not to sound too wanky but you're being your kind of funny authentic self it's quite hard to then kind of slip into a format and go, I don't feel like me.

22:58Yeah. Do you know what I mean? And it's kind of that awkward. I've been doing stand-up for so long now. Yeah, that's it. You suddenly go, God, I should be able to do this. And yet for whatever reason, I'm kind of nervy and odd. Well, most comedians are. Yeah. Yeah, we're not normal. Like, we're not normal. You'll probably think we'd be amazing to go out on a night out with them. We're not. Well, it's because the problem as well is that arrogance and shyness look the same. so it's this weird thing of like if you're kind of like quiet in the room yeah people are sort of making a guess as to what you're you know is he arrogant is he shy and then if the thing if you're a stand up if you're off the telly they think oh well it can't be shy it must be arrogance you came off as like a boy I think a lot of people thought I was Jack the Lad but then at home he was sitting doing boxes of Lego and playing a yo-yo a yo-yo yeah oh god looks a yo-yo great on a yo-yo I've got no idea the hobbies Russell That's a great couple of hobbies, though.

23:55There are. Can your kids, yo-yo? Not yet. Not yet. Okay. Honestly, so badly that they might not be mine. Right. Robin is very similar to you. I think he loves skateboarding. He loves a gadget and stuff. Yeah, he'll be like you. Oh, great. Yeah, definitely riffs me, I think. Musical theatre kid. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Were you into musical theatre then? No, no, no, she is. Oh, well, I was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big time. Did you do it? Yeah. Oh, great. Yeah, I loved it. Everything. I did like Amdram as a kid. Lovely. And then I was a blue court for pumpkins. Brilliant. Yeah. How about you? Whereabouts?

24:27Breen Sands in Somerset. Wow. Mm-hmm. So what made you go from, I presume you're from Newcastle. Yeah. So that's a change. Just got a job. That's a change of pace. Just got a job. Yeah, seriously. There it is. Oh my goodness. It was lovely, my darling. But in it, but the West Country, it's sort of funny, eh? It's sort of got that, there's, I don't know, that part of the world is just so, I don't know. It was too laid back. Yeah, exactly. It was gorgeous. And everyone was like, you're all right, my darling? Because I was only 18 and I was all the way from home. Wow. Yeah, I was 18. They really looked after us, actually.

25:01And then, yeah. God, you must have felt electric being 18 and suddenly having like, right, you're on stage every night. Yeah. P. was shit. Was it? P. was dire. Yeah, but who cares when you're 18? I don't care. Because you're gigging. Yeah. Like, what you're doing, you know what I mean? I was singing in the shows. Oh, yeah. Dressing as the characters. And then I did a tour in Cabaret Band. Then I did Panto. and yeah, I think I've had Did you get access to the buffet and what were we dealing with? What do you, like, what kind of food do you get when you do that? I really must know what food you got when you're a blue coat.