Please Keep Me Anonymous with Stevie Martin

6:03Stevie Martin:but you've dyed your hair it looks lovely on that topic yeah I took some cough syrup and my hair went brown yeah I've dyed my hair I've gone brunette

6:12Rosie Ramsey:what made you go brunette have you ever been brunette

6:14Stevie Martin:for ages and I've just like and I've all this is my natural that's not but this is sort of my natural colour yes so I was like I'll get more serious parts now or any parts you look really sophisticated thank you I think immediately it is bad but you just it looked like a like a librarian like I could be a librarian or I could tell you about a book

6:33Rosie Ramsey:I really like you look really smart really sophisticated dare I say grown up it's aged you in a really positive way apart from when you do that

6:41Stevie Martin:apart from when you do that it's aged me in a really positive way that's what she said Wow Okay great In a really good way If it was a bob It would be too much Too much Don't bob it just yet The long Gives me at least A few years off

6:54Chris Ramsey:Can we again Take a moment To just contemplate How different That would have went If I said that to you I would have

7:02Stevie Martin:Sit up And punched you Yeah

7:04Chris Ramsey:She would have punched us You would have punched us Someone would have punched us Through the screen Yeah

7:09Rosie Ramsey:You can't We've talked about this before You're not allowed to comment On people's I'm not

7:13Chris Ramsey:So I'm not allowed to comment At all On women at all Even in my compliment, she goes, it's a bit weird. I wouldn't mind that.

7:19Stevie Martin:Last night, I was doing a gig with Pierre Novelli. And I liked his shacket. And I said, I like your shacket. And he said, great. And then I said, great. And then I did something. And then some gig stuff, comedy. And then he came back. And he was like, I think this is a compliment that he gave me, which now I feel embarrassed saying because I'm saying a compliment. But he gave me a compliment about how I was dressed. And he was like, you do tend to look really nice. Your clothes look really good. And I was like, great. You just take that. it's not creepy no so Chris could say that well yeah no he probably could

7:49Chris Ramsey:she just but do you say it in a creepy way do you say it in a creepy way I do it in this voice yes there we go okay

7:55Stevie Martin:you've got to the bottom of it and you've got your sick out and you start barking yeah

8:00Chris Ramsey:and then I add something on the end about the clothes I'd look better on the floor which I've stopped doing that's great but I do imply it with me eyes no

8:09Rosie Ramsey:yeah you totally can you can compliment but I don't think you're that oh no I don't want to offend you

8:16Chris Ramsey:oh come on you're going to say I don't give off any sexual vibes at all so no one thinks I'm ever trying to hit on the meds I've just said stuff like that before I've heard it all before

8:26Stevie Martin:well it is I mean I know that you're married I don't know

8:29Chris Ramsey:when people are flirting so that upsets her as well I don't know I don't either

8:33Stevie Martin:I've gotten into some situations have you? yeah I mean not really I mean that sounds really intense I've just been on dates and I've been like oh that was a date I thought we were like we'd made friends at the Edinburgh Fringe and we were going to be friends. Oh, no. And I've said it at the date, it's great to get to make fringe friends. Anyway, I'm seeing this guy and they've been like, I thought this was the date. I'm like, I've been twice. Shut the fuck up. Read twice. And I was like 30. It wasn't even like, I don't know anything. Like, no, I'm really bad at it.

9:02Rosie Ramsey:You should have known.

9:03Stevie Martin:Nobody's flirted with me for years. Again, it's very clear that you're married. You know, your brand is you are married.

9:10Rosie Ramsey:But still, it would be nice. It would be nice. I'll flirt with you a bit. yes please I'm straight

9:14Stevie Martin:but I could not be because I'm wearing boots

9:19Chris Ramsey:that is that is what did they not give you your gay card with your boots yeah did you not get it did they not hand it over with you because they're supposed to hand the gay card with your boots

9:26Stevie Martin:so many people have said that though and there was like I'm not very au fait with sort of being talked about online

9:34Rosie Ramsey:oh Stevie don't look

9:35Stevie Martin:well oh no it was quite good someone sent it to me and it was quite funny the good stuff turns to bad very quick I don't search I will never look I will never google myself I have done it once maybe twice but it was quite bad but on TikTok there was all of these like people saying basically presuming I'm gay and they'd be like she's married to a man and then people being like it's the Doc Martens and it was like I'm wearing trousers on television that's what's happened so it's wild

10:04Rosie Ramsey:we've got rid of the 1950s skirt and then they all think everyone's gay everyone's gay gosh

10:09Chris Ramsey:she didn't breastfeed a child once on telly she must be gay she's a queer icon how long have you been married?

10:18Stevie Martin:how long have you been queer? I thought you were going to say how long have you been gay yeah no no two two three years three years three years yes yes we got married and then the year later we had the party so I often get confused and it's in that weird 2020 to 2023 and it didn't really exist those years for me psychologically Quiet wedding.

10:42Rosie Ramsey:Yes, yes. Very quiet.

10:43Chris Ramsey:How long had you been together before you got married?

10:45Stevie Martin:Eight years.

10:46Chris Ramsey:Oh, okay.

10:47Rosie Ramsey:11 years now. Nice, nice. Nice. But we'll not talk about him too much because Chris gets upset because he did, your husband did beat Chris in the Edinburgh Fringe Comedy Awards. Who gives a shit? Chris really gives a shit.

11:02Stevie Martin:Oh, God, yeah, yeah, but not now.

11:04Chris Ramsey:Yours is 10 grand. He literally owes me 10 grand. That was the prize.

11:07Stevie Martin:I think, yeah, well, that's fine. I mean, you're doing quite well. so I think you're alright it'll never be enough

11:13Chris Ramsey:yeah

11:14Stevie Martin:I'm joking Nick Hellman always makes jokes about it as well it is funny because like yeah Adam didn't want to be a comedian and just sort of started doing it Stevie that makes it worse I know I need it but it's but what I think is it should be alright should be alright about it is you couldn't be more different like it's like you weren't going up against each other really

11:34Chris Ramsey:and I loved his show and I've always thought he was fantastic yeah well he says the same about you because obviously we're joking but yeah he's brilliant

11:39Stevie Martin:Like he loves stand-up. And so like, but it's just, it's so odd that there's that category that's just like, everybody goes in together. You know, how can you, you know, my husband, for anyone who doesn't know just like character stuff and he's a bit of a, he does plays now and he was not a stand-up. So you can't compare. It's like comparing a drag and just some yogurt. I get it. But I'm not part of the fringe life. It's not, it's not my life. That's very cool. You've just, you and Fatih have just completely, you could do an hour of stand-up now in like massive rooms and stuff. You absolutely could.

12:08Stevie Martin:obviously and you didn't even need to do the horrors of the fringe but i have to add the

12:15Rosie Ramsey:country social clubs so i feel like i've put my you know what i mean i've done my i've done my bit oh you've done the hard yards anyway but in a different way i think the fringe would have been

12:24Stevie Martin:a lot more fun yeah maybe i mean maybe you would have liked it maybe i'm not a big french fan yeah i like it as a place but i really struggle psychologically there and it turns me yeah it turns me into all the all the bad parts of like it makes me like jealous or it makes me and i'm not really like that and i and i have thoughts that i'm like oh oh and i'm like that and i have

12:45Chris Ramsey:to like come off social media and reviews and stuff and things going on and yeah did i have i ever told you rosie i don't think rosie's heard this this just popped into your head it's mortifying um i didn't realize when i first ever went to the fringe just to to do i think i was a package show, I didn't realise that people didn't read their reviews. Not all people read all of their reviews. And I bumped into a comedian who I, me and Ed Gamble were standing and I bumped into a comedian who I really admired and I'd seen his show and his show was amazing, but I'd read a review and the review was three stars.

13:18Rosie Ramsey:Oh Jesus fucking Christ. Oh no Chris. This is what I mean. This is going back to the commenting thing. This is what I mean though. This is what you mean. No this is what I mean. Chris would never say, oh that's a lovely jacket Stevie. He'd say something just fucking really offensive in a compliment. So carry on with your story.

13:36Chris Ramsey:Yeah. I said, and as soon as it came up my mouth, I realised, and Gamble was dying laughing. I said, I loved your show. I thought it was amazing. I think that reviewer just got the wrong end of the stick.

13:49Stevie Martin:Incredible. And he went, And I went,

13:51Chris Ramsey:as soon as I said it, I went, oh, fuck. And he went, are you just telling me that I got a bad review? And I went, and Gamble says, I just stood there going, well, no. and he was just like he was gone why would you do that I wasn't I was dead I was nervous like I'd met this guy the comedian he was amazing and I was a big fan and I thought his show was fantastic and I thought it was an injustice and I wanted to let him know it was on his side and it wasn't until I saw him look in his eyes I thought you haven't fucking read this

14:20Rosie Ramsey:oh my god it's death I did that to Lindsay Lohan

14:25Chris Ramsey:what

14:26Rosie Ramsey:what did you do to Lindsay Lohan so I've never been

14:29Stevie Martin:I've been to the Groucho once that fancy members club and it was when she was in that place Speed The Plough or something it was called The Plough something and she'd got absolutely mauled in reviews and I got really drunk and went over to her table and went hey you're great fuck all that press actually she was like oh okay that was nice and then I stumbled away and I was like she might not have seen how bad everyone thought she was in that show but now she has oh my god Hey, fringe friends. You's our real life trolls.

15:03Chris Ramsey:We are accidental trolls with good intentions. Yeah. Which I find is...

15:07Stevie Martin:Which I relate to people and try to be friendly.

15:10Chris Ramsey:The worst bit for Lindsay Lohan is she had to listen to those Doc Martens slamming across the room for a long time before she even came over and said hello. It's like the beginning of dinosaurs.

15:22Rosie Ramsey:I love parent trolls.

15:24Stevie Martin:And she had so many people around her as they all heard it. What made you go up to her? I was so drawn closely. And I was excited to be in the Groucho when she was there. And I was like, she'll love this. I remember thinking like, she'll love this. I'm going to make a connection with her. It's like, I think Britney Spears would be my friend. Like, I'm like, I think me and Britney Spears. I think what she needs is me specifically. I'll just, I'll sort it out for her. That woman doesn't need me.

15:52Rosie Ramsey:Does that ever wake you up in the middle of the night? What, Britney Spears needs me? Like that. I had an interaction. I was really young and it was a film premiere. How the, I don't even know how I got invited, right? I don't know who I, I think I was doing panto. Anyway, it was at Newcastle and Billy Zane was there with Kelly Brook, right? Billy Zane from Titanic. Billy Zane from Titanic. Yeah.

16:17Stevie Martin:And Kelly Brook from,

16:18Rosie Ramsey:and Kelly Brook from Kelly Brook fame. Amazing.

16:21Stevie Martin:I was going to say, from the magazine. She's done loads of great books. From the Teenage Boys Wars. From the Teenage Boys Wars. Yeah.

16:27Rosie Ramsey:I thought I meant more things, but there are more things. It was years ago. She was, I mean, she's still delicious now, but I swear to God. I saw her at the moment. She's so fit. Yeah, she's gorgeous. But this was prime Kelly Brook. She was oiled. Oh, fuck me. Going out with the movie star, like she was with him. I was 18, I think, and I was so drunk. And during a conversation that we were all sort of huddled around with Billy Zane and Kelly Brook, I poured sort of a drink into a plant pot. why I don't know because I was so I've told you I've told you about the plant pot so drunk poured it into a plant pot and now looking back I think I thought nobody noticed wait sorry I think

17:10Stevie Martin:so you missed you were trying to pour into your own glass and you missed it

17:14Rosie Ramsey:no I knew that I was so drunk so I had to get rid of some of my drink so while everyone I was like pouring it into a plant pot and it's like and sometimes I wake up at the night going oh god

17:24Chris Ramsey:Did Billy Zane notice you pouring it into a plant pot?

17:27Rosie Ramsey:I can't remember. But probably. I like that.

17:32Chris Ramsey:In my head, it was like a record scratch. Silence. And everyone just looked at it and she was just going,

17:38Stevie Martin:excuse me, Kelly Brooke. Can I just...

17:41Chris Ramsey:You know what you should have said if the doll caught you? One for me dead homies.

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17:56Rosie Ramsey:And your hotel bed to feel like... Ooh, and room service to feel like... Because at Hilton, hospitality feels like...

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18:17Stevie Martin:I'm R.J. Decker, a private investigator uncovering the sunshine state's darkest secrets.

18:24Rosie Ramsey:Tuesdays, it's the premiere of ABC's hottest new crime show. R.J. freaking Decker has that live and breathe. He's a private eye. It's not a standard murder. It's something bigger.

18:34Chris Ramsey:And a public mess.

18:35Rosie Ramsey:Trying to get someone back to prison today?

18:37Chris Ramsey:You go to prison one time and suddenly it's all the jokes. R.J. Decker, series premiere, Tuesdays on ABC and stream on Hulu. This episode is brought to you by Nespresso. introducing Virtuo Up the latest in a long line of innovation from Nespresso it's innovation you can touch, sense and taste in every single cup with a 3 second start easy open lever and dedicated brew over ice button, it's even easier

19:07Rosie Ramsey:to enjoy your coffee your way sip for yourself shop Virtuo Up exclusively at nespresso.com are you on tour

19:17Chris Ramsey:at this moment? No

19:19Stevie Martin:I'm not even going on tour so anyway I am I'm going I'm about to start so I did the first leg and then I'm having a little break and then I'm doing the second leg and then we've extended it again in autumn question yes are you going to change your clothes? whatever in general I have a joke that involves that needs me to have the same time right okay so I she wears the same outfit for every night every night but it's because of that joke yes I have to do it of course I can't wait to not I know I can't wait to expand

19:51Rosie Ramsey:Have you bought any multiples of the same outfit yet?

19:54Stevie Martin:No, because it's a Real Madrid top from years ago that now is like 350 quid or something. So if I break that, lose that, then... You're knackered. It's gone. It's going to stink.

20:07Rosie Ramsey:No, I know you're going to wash it. It's going to stink. No, stink. It's going to stink. She was going to say stink. I do wash it quite regularly. I know you wash it, but over so many times. Yeah.

20:16Stevie Martin:It gets to that point where you're like, oh, I'm washing it and it still smells off. Yeah. I honestly smell like incredible whenever I put that on because I'm so worried about that because afterwards people say hi and you give them a hug and then you're like oh god imagine if I yeah no I'm gonna yeah I can't wait to do another show just so I can just wear different tops I have a different stuff

20:35Rosie Ramsey:I do like a uniform though I would like to wear a uniform I'd love to have a uniform every day right what would it be?

20:42Chris Ramsey:Peter Griffin green pants and a white shirt Jason Monson

20:45Rosie Ramsey:wore the same thing every day yeah he did didn't he? yes he does he's got a uniform

20:49Chris Ramsey:I found that very interesting. Same for the tasks, same for the studio. We had exactly the same one the whole time.

20:54Stevie Martin:And every time he does anything, he does it. People came to my tour dressed as him, but I didn't notice because it's such an innocuous outfit.

21:03Rosie Ramsey:Did the mean do? Yeah.

21:04Stevie Martin:There was like a young guy who's like maybe 14, and he had glasses on. It's like, that's just a guy in a shirt and jeans with glasses on.

21:12Chris Ramsey:You're not a vampire. Like a young white guy from Bath.

21:15Stevie Martin:I'm not like, Jason! Like, it's not.

21:17Chris Ramsey:And then the one time you do it, they'll go, who yeah you're wearing a shirt but it is it's good i like that but i mean i sort of have that

21:25Stevie Martin:to an extent like i only really wear black and white ever and that's quite helpful so i'm not like what goes with what yeah but in terms of a uniform yeah i don't have that i do love clothes

21:35Rosie Ramsey:but i did enjoy wearing a uniform yeah just sort of like did you yeah i did even though i never roll the skirts up, do the really

21:44Stevie Martin:small, thick tie? What was that? That was just our

21:47Rosie Ramsey:generation.

21:48Stevie Martin:I know. The bit, the knot, had to be sort of, it's like a chode tie. It had to be wider than it was clothed. So true. I mean, like, this looks cool.

22:01Rosie Ramsey:Were you allowed to wear trousers or did you have to wear a skirt?

22:04Stevie Martin:You could wear trousers but no one did because if you did you were like a lesbian or whatever and everyone was really mean about it.

22:11Rosie Ramsey:We had meetings to try and wear trousers. That's great. Yeah, but it never happened.

22:16Chris Ramsey:Was your school, your respective schools, part of the gigantic controversy that was the trousers with the skirt attached?

22:26Rosie Ramsey:Oh, yes, we did. We didn't.

22:28Chris Ramsey:Absolute fucking hell on in my school.

22:30Rosie Ramsey:What's going on?

22:31Chris Ramsey:Hell on in my school.

22:31Rosie Ramsey:I mean, I used to wear them. What were they called?

22:35Chris Ramsey:Trots. I do believe they were called abominations.

22:38Rosie Ramsey:No, it had a proper name, didn't it?

22:39Chris Ramsey:I can't remember what they're called. But it was literally, yeah. I don't want to sound like I'm sort of a lady in a man's body, pretended to not be, but I think they were from Tammy.

22:49Stevie Martin:Oh, my God, Tammy, yeah. I think you got them from Tammy. Oh, my God. And it was black trousers with the thing with the top.

22:54Chris Ramsey:I remember the headmaster in assembly going like, yeah, and they're banned. You just aren't allowed to wear them. I remember thinking, well, you can pick a skirt. I can pick, why not wear both? I don't understand why not. Really weird.

23:04Rosie Ramsey:I got really upset about a lot of things, didn't I? Do you know what I fainted in Tammy Girl? Right. Did you? Why? I think I was poorly She's too excited Just saying oh my god Too many great deals How many bangles? I actually had a really bad virus To which I think Do you know when you go I was a mental kid Because I think I told my friends I had meningitis

23:28Stevie Martin:I thought everyone had swine flu at uni And I didn't I got tamiflu delivered by someone under the door I just had a cold

23:40Stevie Martin:I don't know why I did it I can't take that back I can't take that back what did you do

23:44Chris Ramsey:just stay in your room and oinked

23:46Stevie Martin:yeah genuinely everyone was like I was like why did I say I just said it once I think I've got swine flu and I was like well I've said it now so I'll roll with it

23:53Chris Ramsey:thank you for that I'll be back in a few days

23:55Rosie Ramsey:you can't laugh about swine flu a lot of people actually do really bad really terrible but I just had a cold yeah I had a really bad cold I was like, I nearly died. Me Nana took us to the sales of Tammy Girl. And it was like the day after I parked in me. And I collapsed. And I split my head open. I had to go to hospital. And then it turned into a Dorothy Perkins. And I got a job. There's just so much going on. And it had the same manageress. and I was like I fainted yeah when I was a kid she was like was that you? she was like at Christmas

24:37Chris Ramsey:I went that was me I had meningitis I mean I had a virus she remembered

24:43Stevie Martin:you thought that fainting and cracking your head open so we have to go to hospital was not enough drama I know I also have meningitis that's what it was there was that thing where everyone would put glasses on them all the time yeah just to check what it was yeah and they'd always disappear and I'd be a bit disappointed

24:58Chris Ramsey:heat rash just a heat rash just a heat rash just a spot

25:02Stevie Martin:Or just your skin, you know. I don't think we do that anymore. Yeah, I've stopped doing that.

25:06Rosie Ramsey:We don't do it with the kids, I don't think. I don't think I've ever done the meningitis glass roll. Interesting. Yeah, I know. And they've had a rash. They've had loads of rashes. God. But like, one, one, one, you know. Yeah. Really good. Right. When you've got little kids, really good. Just to speak to someone and they're like, what's it look like? What happens when you press it? And all this kind of stuff. It's really, very good service, one, one, one.

25:27Chris Ramsey:Well, where was it that time when you had a really bad throat? And she told you to eat crisps.

25:33Rosie Ramsey:Who told us to eat crisps?

25:34Chris Ramsey:Someone told you to eat crisps. Remember? You went to a walk-in centre. You went to a walk-in centre. I just made that up. I mean, I should put a shot. And they said... Can I remember? They said... I think it was Gary Linnicka. It was Gary Linnicka. No, I'm joking. They said, eat crisps and swallow it so it scratches your throat on the way down and gets rid of it all. Remember? Someone said that to you once.

25:56Rosie Ramsey:See, in all my memory, probably. Yeah, and I remember thinking,

25:59Chris Ramsey:get a second opinion because that sounds like absolute fucking tomfoolery.

26:03Stevie Martin:Yeah, and if you're going to do that, use like a sourdough crust. Yeah, this was before sourdough. This was before sourdough wasn't it.

26:09Chris Ramsey:Was that dough? Pipe cream then, yeah. This was, yeah, knickknacks and Doritos.

26:13Rosie Ramsey:Are you not talking about when I ate them, the fish with the little bones and you meant to eat, like...

26:20Chris Ramsey:No, no, no. Not bread for it. No.

26:24Rosie Ramsey:What? What is, what's going on? There's a fish that I love with little bones, but then I read online, when I ate it, I read online, you meant to have loads of bread with it. Just, just,

26:39Stevie Martin:just, just,

26:40Chris Ramsey:just, there's a fish that I love with little bones, and the way she said it, it sounded like the next sentence was going to be, we're raising money so we can have an operation. There's a fish I love very much, close to me eyes, got little bones, and we're raising money, we're trying to risk 250 ,000 pounds we're going to send him to America for a bigger boon operation

27:02Rosie Ramsey:stretch him out and you're not meant to eat the bones no so you can you can fully eat the fish it's a really known one it's like it's not like whitebait it's like whitebait or something no it's not even that it's like a really well known fish oh my god I got it from Marxist in a vacuum packed packet with a star bit of butter and then you put it in the microwave or you boil it and then you eat it. But anyway, yeah, you can eat the bones but you're meant to eat it with like bread so that the bones don't like stab you so they kind of go into the bread and digest in your stomach with the bread. I know, but I didn't know this.

27:44Rosie Ramsey:Extreme fish eating. And I fucking raw dog the full thing and then I was getting, oh, I feel a bit funny. A bit bone-like. Boney. And it was my mum who was like, do you not have any bread? I was getting, no.

27:54Chris Ramsey:I was off because it was like a game of Kaplunk.

27:57Rosie Ramsey:Oh my gosh.

27:58Stevie Martin:Does everyone know this? That you've got sweet bread with small burnt fish? Well, I didn't know. I didn't know it. Do you know this?

28:04Chris Ramsey:No, I didn't know this.

28:05Stevie Martin:Right, okay. I'm trying to work out like how, where this... I'm not eating stuff

28:08Chris Ramsey:with bones in. I'm not eating stuff with bones in. No, I don't want to. I'm not eating stuff with bones in. Forget it. Get it out of my face.

28:14Rosie Ramsey:Is that why you went vegan? Because of that story.

28:18Chris Ramsey:She's just gone vegan. Yes, now. This second.

28:21Stevie Martin:How long have you been vegan? I've not eaten meat since I was like two. Like I remember being like two. I must have been two because it was, you know, like.

28:30Chris Ramsey:You remember being two?

28:31Stevie Martin:Yeah, because there was a little table that I would sit at before my sister was born. And she was born when I was three or two and a half, three. No, three. And she, and I had to have been two to be sat at this table. Right. Also like I was quite low down. Do you know what I mean? Like, because I was two. Right. It's like the sofa did look quite big in this memory. And so my mum served me fish. My mum served me fish. and I remember I remember specifically saying I saw something in the stew and I remember being like is that a fish like flounder in the little mermaid and I saw my mum's face being like yeah and then I like threw a massive belly just could not I'll never know and it's like chicken is chicken they were like yeah I'd like and thankfully I'd never eaten a sausage I've never eaten a sausage in my life or a burger isn't that wild in your entire life because I didn't like when I was little.

29:24Rosie Ramsey:Okay, so, all right. Well, that's, so you're like fully blown because I used to have a friend who was vegetarian, very vegetarian, but pissed. She will... Yeah, down a cheeseburger. I've got a friend

29:35Stevie Martin:who's a vegetarian, but if she sees a really good steak place that only does steak, then she will have a steak at the place. Right, and that's fine though. That's fine. That's been extrapolated to like any meat. Like, well, if that's known for that meat, then I'll have it there. I get that because that's like good quality meat. But I, yeah, I don't eat meat like I just don't but I did eat dairy up until I was like like 2015 was when I realised I couldn't have dairy so it was like well I might as well just be vegan then because it's just easier I do eat eggs when they're from a farm and I mean like not from the shop as in like there's a farm around the corner from where I live and then when I'm pissed I have mayonnaise good for you I treat myself good for you oh my god

30:16Chris Ramsey:wild party animal you are

30:18Stevie Martin:tiny bit of mayonnaise tiny bit do you love it though I love mayonnaise

30:22Chris Ramsey:when you put it on

30:24Stevie Martin:sometimes well there was a period of time that was quite dark that was stirring it tell us into kidney beans I'm just eating out you did this on off menu I know yeah I didn't do it but I spoke of it I spoke of it I've stopped doing that now were they warm or cold cold just drain them a bit and then like put it in and then a bit of tomato sauce and then you've got yourself a thousand dollar dressing with protein bean marie Oh my God. I would have ate that.

30:52Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. I would have ate that. It's actually done.

30:53Stevie Martin:When you're drunk, it's quite nice. But...

30:55Rosie Ramsey:I love kidney beans.

30:56Stevie Martin:But they're hard when they're in the tin.

30:58Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, I don't mind. Oh, fuck no. I've got crunch. Oh, no. You've got to... Do you know, I bought jarred, like, butter beans. Butter beans are excellent. Oh my God, they're delicious. They're mealy. They're so like... Well, you wouldn't have liked this. I put them in a sausage stew. I put them in a sausage. Split the sausage down, put them in the sausage. Put them in a sausage stew. That's fine. So my opinion on veganism and all that, I actually think, great, do it. But I think you shouldn't, like, it ends up becoming sort of like, how can I word this? I think if you want to have a day where you don't, that's absolutely fine.

31:36Rosie Ramsey:I agree. Do you know what I mean? I don't think people should go, I am this and I can't ever, ever. You just completely disagree.

31:41Chris Ramsey:I think you've picked your side. And I think any vegan eating meat should be immediately arrested.

31:45Stevie Martin:Okay, no. I'm totally kidding.

31:48Chris Ramsey:It's true.

31:49Stevie Martin:I think, yeah, a lot of people, because me and Lou Sanders have got this Instagram thing called Vegans in Your Regions and we just do stupid vegan content and it's just really silly. And we do get lots of people being like, sorry, sometimes I do eat meat, I'm really sorry. But I just, you're like, that's fine. Although Lou's like, that's not okay. And I'm okay, fine. There's a really good, like vegan cheddar. Vegan cheddar's really hard to get right. So they haven't really nailed that apart from Cathedral City have nailed it. I don't know if I can say a brand on here, but. See as many brands as you want.

32:17Stevie Martin:Great. That's all I can think of. Cathedral City that's it and they do a really good vegan one but Lou doesn't like it and doesn't think we should promote it because they also do normal cheese but I'm like come on she just hates

32:30Rosie Ramsey:she just hates animals

32:32Stevie Martin:she's allergic to cruelty as she says because I am allergic to dairy so that's a big part of it right but yeah I know what you mean like live and let live

32:41Rosie Ramsey:tell Lou even though we do eat meat we now go to the butchers

32:46Stevie Martin:I don't think that's relevant okay I just want to know

32:51Rosie Ramsey:that it's ethically sourced

32:53Stevie Martin:yeah I don't think yeah well I'm not upset but I don't know if I think butchers is quite intense I would say the thing that unites most people that don't eat meat is they don't like the concept of butchers don't worry

33:09Rosie Ramsey:tell her how much I was seeing that butter beans are nice butter beans are nice I'm trying to make friends I really like Lou she's really great and I just yeah because when you're the thing that people get so upset about yeah and the thing that we do every day it's not you you don't want to be but I love meat she's not upset about people

33:28Stevie Martin:that eat meat like I think it's just like you know and I'm not either I'm very aware that society's not going to get there and it's also it's hard and it's fine and I get that thing of like eating good quality meat rather than you know yes I don't know whether it's in supermarkets or whatever but it's very funny to try to make friends with a vegan by being like I've gone to the butchers like okay

33:49Chris Ramsey:I hope you're impressed by the fact that I've gone to that place where all of the parts of the slaughtered animals are kept cold. I've gone there and I've looked through the glass and I've selected the bit of the animal that I wanted and then I've went home and then I've cooked that dead animal and then I've ate it. Lou, why are you walking away? Lou, come back.

34:09Rosie Ramsey:I've put a butterbeet and a sausage. It had a lovely life. It was on the farm. It wasn't cooked. But do we even know that? We just can't ever know. You're never going to know, are you? We're never going to know. If you're sad or happy or whatever. And we can't and we mustn't.

34:22Stevie Martin:I like to think they're all really happy and that's not true. No, I know. Anyway.

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35:42Chris Ramsey:and home is always worth fighting for. Available now at worldofwarcraft.com.

35:49Rosie Ramsey:Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Listen, you've got questions. I've got a question. Is that you're going to read out first?

35:54Chris Ramsey:Well, a story. There are never questions these days.

35:56Stevie Martin:There might be a question. Okay.

35:58Rosie Ramsey:I really like your hair, that colour, you know.

36:00Stevie Martin:I'm honestly thrilled. And also I noticed it made me sit like this more. Do you know what? You look richer. This is wild. So all these things though, you could say that you're saying that blondes, so you're saying blonde people are thick. poor and maybe it just really suits you

36:17Rosie Ramsey:it's really nice sophisticated I think when you go

36:20Stevie Martin:to your actual colour I think it does always suit you because why would it not

36:24Rosie Ramsey:I went dark I went back to my natural colour I was so depressed I couldn't look in the mirror yeah that was bad

36:31Stevie Martin:I bet you looked nice but you must have felt that's coming from you didn't it you didn't like it you really do see blonde so it's a good vibe for you hi Chris and Rosie hi please keep me anonymous okay me and my partner I was going to just come up with a name that's a first name and a last name then but I'm not going to do that me and my partner had found out I was pregnant and was so excited to tell our friends and family we invited his mum and dad over to tell them the good news they were sitting side by side on our sofa and I handed my father-in-law a gift bag with a baby grow inside so his mouth fell wide open when he opened it and my mother-in-law burst into happy tears however what happened next was not how i had pictured this magical moment in my mind my father-in-law was in a state of shock very excited of course but clearly quite overwhelmed so overwhelmed in fact that as i bent over to give my mother-in-law a big hug she was still sitting on the sofa my father-in-law who clearly didn't know what to do with himself proceeded to guess as in you guess he didn't guess i know what he's done what's he done he's punched he slapped

37:37Chris Ramsey:her on the arse. He's so excited he slapped her on the arse. Who's he slapped on the arse? He slapped his daughter-in-law on the arse. God and love, he's slapped her on the arse, am I right? Yeah.

37:47Rosie Ramsey:Why did you guess them? Have you not met you?

37:49Stevie Martin:That's concerning. Oh my god. No, but that means that you would, why did you go there?

37:55Chris Ramsey:Because in my head, I quickly put myself in his shoes and I quickly thought as we were talking about earlier, being mortified about something you've done and thinking about it later on I quickly put myself in his shoes and thought what would be the most mortifying thing. I went to the most mortifying Shut yourself. No, no, I thought the most mortifying was as she bent over I went, hey! But that and that one went, that was a tits. But then I thought, no, he's going to slap her on the arse. And that is like, yeah that is mortifying. That is absolutely mortifying. That is bad.

38:26Stevie Martin:My father-in-law, who clearly didn't know what to do with himself, proceeded to land a great big slap of his hand across my arse while exclaiming, Jesus Christ! That's for the bin. It's really good. I got spanked by my father-in-law. I was so surprised that I couldn't even react, so I chose not to acknowledge it. Oh, my God. Ignore it. It's even worse. Until later when they'd left and I told my partner, we found it hilarious and put it down to a state of overwhelm. I've never brought it up with him since. That's brilliant. For context, I must say this, my in-laws are wonderful and I bloody love them.

38:59Stevie Martin:Oh, well, there you go. That's fantastic. She should wait until he tells her anything and then slap him on the arse. Or cup his balls. Oh my God, yes.

39:09Rosie Ramsey:Yes. Yeah. Good Lord! I've got a promotion at work.

39:13Stevie Martin:Way! Get in!

39:16Chris Ramsey:Amazing. Amazing.

39:17Stevie Martin:You've been spanked by Father-in-law. Not recently, no. That's good. I don't know that I remember. That's nice. Yes, you would remember.

39:25Rosie Ramsey:Thank you so much. Thank you for coming on. Thank you. We'll do all of your promotion stuff at the beginning. Of course, yeah. But I've seen your show and it was absolutely fantastic. Oh yes, you have seen it. So you can speak from the heart. So now I can actually be real and honest about it and tell you all to go sing it. So thank you so much. Thank you. I'm sweating, I've laughed so much. Lovely chatting with you. That was so funny.

39:46Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, oh yeah, fully. Cut myself off. She's gone, she's gone.