Please Keep Me Anonymous with Tom Rosenthal

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1:26he won oh nice okay I can't remember We'll have to go back and watch it. It was a... I'm not going to do that. We had a lovely chat. We had a lovely chat about it. It was lovely to see him again. We had he taught you all about philosophy. That was fun. Yeah, great. Very, very good. You can see Rosie glaze over if you watch that on YouTube. He is on a 2026 tour titled Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I Am. Play on the Art of Monkeys album. Tickets to tomrosenthal.net. He's playing the Clapham Grand in London on the 14th of May. Again, tickets at tomrosenthal.net. He's a very funny lad It was a really nice chat Yeah, I'm over the moon that we've got a chat with him again It was really nice Yeah, nice Really good Enjoy, if you're watching on YouTube Please subscribe and like And all of that jazz Big love And all that jazz We had a fight about the jingle We couldn't settle on a jingle So this is the jingle We hope you like the jingle Jingo Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba Jingo People say as well You've got a platform No no no My platform is to take people's minds off all that shit You're listening to Shagman You know it You'll come to see my stand up Because you don't want to think about all that new stuff And all that bad stuff that's happening I'm a respite baby Well you do

2:47Tom Rosenthal:Both of you have a very sort of positive impact on people's lives And they want to listen to you while they're doing other things and you've created a beautiful thing out of an incredible relationship that you clearly share. And people don't want that to be interrupted. Oh, thank God. I'm actually really glad you said that because Chris was late this morning and I fucking hate being late. Is it all a sham, is it? No. To be fair, you didn't say a word to each other off recording. You were glaring. I was about to say we get in separate cars like Penn and Teller, but we don't. We get in the same car and I made a lake and just being a fucking dick about it all morning, I'll be honest with you.

3:22Chris, right, okay. Do you want to go into it? Yeah, let's do it. Right, OK. Let's do it. I'm more Tom Loder than you. He's going to be on my side. This is classic. We'll see. This is classic. If he wants to play on my golf simulator when he does Newcastle stand, he's going to be on my side no matter what you see. Oh, is that what it is? I do play golf as well. Should you shot?

3:35Tom Rosenthal:Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ. He's coming to play at our house. Genuinely, my only goal in life these days is to have a golf simulator in my house and I can't believe that, you know. Yeah, he's got one. He's going to come and see mine. I'm going to wear me Borat Mankini and I'm going to chant, you'll never get this, the entire time he's there. Why is golf such a big thing with millennials? What's that all about? Personally, I used to play sports for actually active people. And then my knees just failed to such an extent that the only sport I can play is a sport for 80-year-old men, which is golf, you know.

4:07Tom Rosenthal:Right, okay. I'm a deeply competitive person. And the only thing I can really actually put that into now, considering I don't play fantasy football, is goal. What happened to your knees? Oh, they all snapped. They snapped multiple times. How? Just football, essentially. My ACLs, I've got sort of very bad ACLs. Yeah. I was kind of better at football than my body should have been at football. So I kept doing fancy tricks and then just collapsing and then people going, oh, you're faking. I go, no, I'm not. No, I've just got bad knees. Do you know my mate's knee go around the back? Yeah, my mate's knee.

4:39The bottoms and the tops went and his knee cap went around the back and it ended up behind his knee. Which is sad. Saturday league yeah Sunday league hungover waste of time why are you doing it it does sort of destroy your body and sadly it's the direction changes isn't it it's the direction the sprint and the stop and the sprint and the stop

4:56Tom Rosenthal:and I have a fantasy of being a good footballer and I sort of dreamed of that as a child and now that fantasy is just ported to being a good golfer essentially I think all golfers have this sort of version of themselves that could play on the par and you kind of see little glimmers of it occasionally little shots and I also have a kind of belief that if I got a golf simulator that would bring me slightly closer to this dream version of myself if you're already shooting the same as me like breaking 90 I'm only doing that off relentless turns in the golf simulator so if you start you will go if you're already at me my level you'll go even better so I think you should do it are you good now because you wish it I'm alright now I'm alright now he needs a partner that believes in his journey okay oh sorry well he's got the wrong partner because no I went to see his tour show on Saturday bloody brilliant did such a good job I'm very proud of him I will not praise him for his golf no it only goes so far so we were watching golf right you know being a good dad fucking sports no I won't we were watching the Masters last year when Rory won the thing right and we were watching it and they're literally like obviously you know they're chipping it from the fucking fairway and they're dropping it within six inches of the hole and I went I went look at these bastards man like look at this like angry at how good they were and she went what's the matter with you these are professional golfers why are you even getting angry at what they can do I went because the thing with golf is I can do that one in a hundred times I can do what they do one in a thousand one in two thousand times but you have done it and that's what's so annoying about it sometimes you can do what they do but not consistently and that's why it's so annoying that's why it's addictive it gives you a little bit it gives you a little bit of hope and it's the same thing some random member of the public who's never done stand up could get on stage and be funnier than you once yeah but they're an idiot if they think they could do it like consistently because it sort of does require so we're essentially idiots going we could be as good at golf as we might as well Yeah, yeah, yeah.

6:44Tom Rosenthal:Exactly. I mean, yeah, my fiancée is sort of the same. She thought golf was really lame, but then we watched that Netflix documentary about golf and she saw how much they earn and now she's like, oh, you know, it's actually kind of cool. You know, if you want to get into this, yeah. You can do that. Show me the money, baby. Oh, my God. If you're going to be professional and you're going to be that good, then I will support you 100%. Wow, what a... Honestly, you get them... You are such a shallow person. What is it? Four? Is that the right thing? Four is what you show... If you, no, four is what you never want to shout.

7:13Is that going to hit somebody? Four is what you shout when it's about to hit someone. Four right, four left. That's when it's about to hit someone. Do you know, I was watching it once. Get off my hand. Tom's here. It's disgusting. It's just holding my hand. Tom Rosen tells him he's just holding my hand. It's disgusting. I was watching it once, right? I'm not going to talk about golf all day. I mean, all I want to say is the pressure that these people deal with. There was one, it was, I'm sure it was Tommy Fleetwood or something, right? And he was putting and it was like a six foot put. And it was a difference once between coming second and coming fourth if this putt went in and the difference was two million dollars and he sunk it but it said the commentator was like this is the two million dollars is the difference of the price I was on the golf course the other day I missed a putt because there was a goose looking at us

7:56Tom Rosenthal:and that cost you how much money? just one million it cost the golf course one goose because I snapped his fucking neck I'm joking I'm joking I didn't know no goose no geese how do they make so much money where's the money coming from? sponsorships everything crazy because footballers is like the obviously the football ground when everyone when everyone complains about how much footballers make they make too much I'm like how much was your season ticket I don't think they make enough I don't think when people say to me and taxi drivers hate it when I say this when the taxi drivers whinge about how much football players are on I hit back with I don't think they're on enough and they say why and I say because I don't like football but you're talking to me about it now it's so big I can't escape it and not just that there's not many jobs where that money needs to go somewhere there's not many jobs where you go to work every day and you just get called a fucking wanker.

8:42Like, it's pretty intense, isn't it? Yeah, unfortunately. I mean, I do, but it's you that says it, so it's fine. Yeah.

8:47Tom Rosenthal:I mean, my father was obviously a sports broadcaster, so I've kind of benefited from this as well, so I can't really have a go. All that money's all put me through private school, you know what I mean? Thank you, footballers. Yeah, footballers. Well done, footballers. Because you talk about this, you're on tour at the minute, you talk about this in your stand-up. First of all, your tour title, whatever people say I am, that's what I am, is a play on Arctic Monkeys or whatever people say I am that's what I'm not I was personally annoyed about that album go on because me and my mate got into well my mate Adam got me into into Arctic Monkeys early on like MySpace Music Arctic Monkeys like he made a mixtape like a CD and gave it to everyone at work when I worked at the Stadium of Light and we had all of the fucking hits all of their first like big album tracks and we all just passed it around we're like these guys we were asking for them in bars and no one knew who they were we went I went and saw them for£2 in Newcastle.

9:40My goodness. For£2 to see the Auto Monies. And then they brought that album out and we were so excited about what the album was going to be called. And they came up with whatever people say I am, that's what I'm not. I remember going, why have you done that? They had everything. I don't know what's wrong with it. The fucking quotable lines that they had in all of the songs, don't believe the hype and just all of this amazing stuff. Okay, right. It was a bit long-winded. Whatever people say I am, that's what I'm not. Yeah. And I went, why have you done this? I was devastated but it's a great play on the album title and your poster's brilliant because your poster's a play on the front of the album as well thank you

10:14Tom Rosenthal:it is interesting isn't it because it's sort of as an album title it slightly annoys you I think I was fucked I was really fucked off but I think it's designed to do that and that's sort of without wanting to get too like meta and like wanky about it that's what the show is kind of supposed to be about because they're obviously saying like whatever you think about us that's not what we are which is annoying because you think you know Arctic Monkeys and you really like Arctic Monkeys so you want them to be what you want them to be and my show basically talks about being characters from sitcoms and like, you know, how everyone knows me as Johnny Goodman from Friday Night Dinner and how like it's quite cool to be known as that, but also like I am not that and I'm something else.

10:47Tom Rosenthal:So I kind of like the sort of identity that an audience knows you as is sort of what Arctic Monkeys were kind of dealing with, with that sort of wanky title. I'm trying to make sure sort of make a joke about it, but like it's odd. Well, Chris got it. It's like Arctic Monkeys fans like it. there's a whole thing with them in that the people love the old stuff and then they went on this big creative journey and people and they sort of lost some fans you know weirdly they lost me immediately so what lost I loved them like I lived and breathed them I thought they were me but then they became popular and I was that wanker who was like and it's the only time I know and I went back you deserve to be that I think if you knew them from MySpace you have the right two pound they came out afterwards for a photo and everything man Casino Club in Newcastle they came out afterwards they got big and I was I hate that I was that guy but I was like like people who I didn't respect were liking them and dancing them and loving them and I was like I can't have this anymore and it was really it was like I was heartbroken but I don't do that anymore and I've since gone back to them and I love everything they've done but incredible it's very interesting yeah that because audience capture is like a part of being like a creative person you know and like how obviously you get famous for a thing and then a mainstream audience sort of wants you just to do that thing forever essentially and I think there are some audience members who just want me to be Johnny Goodman from front of them like forever just stand there and just do catchphrases and they would be happy to pay to see that but obviously as like a creative person you sort of want to do more stuff but you don't want to alienate those people who like you for what you did before right and I think that's what Arctic Monkey's career sort of shows right so they've been on this creative journey and they've changed so much and some people are like just do it like you're used to and some people are like no this is great I love all this new stuff when you're like you know when you're Alex Turner and you're a massive international selling recording artist and you can't still be talking about the Dorman not letting you in.

12:35Yeah, they've grown up. They've just grown up.

12:37Tom Rosenthal:Do they have to change the way they sing those songs, I suppose? That would be the question. Right, yeah, yeah. Listen, I don't really know them well enough to have much of an opinion. I feel like you know them very well. These two bouncers and one of them's all right, the other one's a scary and a his way or no way. Totalitarian. He's got no time for you. Looking and breathing now you don't want your team. So step out of the queue, he makes examples of you and there's no one you can see. We only go through to the bit where you pay and you realise then that it's finally the time to walk back past 10 ,000 eyes in a line.

13:04You can swap jumpers and make another move. If you're still in your brain, you've got something to prove all the boys in black. Why can't they be pleasant? Why can't they have a laugh? He's got his hands on your chest. He wants to give you a duff. But secretly, I think he wants it all to kick off. He wants arms flying everywhere and bottles as well. It's just something to stalk about, a story to tell you.

13:25Tom Rosenthal:So if you like that music, come to my tour show because that is on beforehand. There you go. It's an excuse to listen to one of my favourite albums before I do stand-up comedy. And to dress like Alex Turner as well, to be fair. Of course, yeah, yeah. You stick the hair back and everything. That's why I've got kind of this hair at the moment. Yeah, I like this look. This is actually Alex Turner's kind of hair product, actually. I've got lots of quite heavy wax these days. It's nice. You've still got a lovely full head of hair as well. Thank you very much. How old are you now? I appreciate that.

13:50Tom Rosenthal:I'm 38. Are you married? She's literally hitting on him. Do you want me to leave? Do you want me to just leave? What happened was, I'll tell you what happened there, Tom. And what happened was my rapping drives my wife's vagina up so much that she immediately hit on the next male in the room. I wasn't hit on him. That's just what happened. I do a rap. She literally wants to die and immediately wants to cheat on us. Can a lady not compliment the man's full head of hair anymore? Jesus Christ.

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15:38Go to shopify.com slash realm. That's shopify.com slash realm. K-pop Demon Hunters, Saja Boys Breakfast Meal and Huntrix Meal have just dropped at McDonald's. They're calling this a battle for the fans. What do you say to that, Rumi? It's not a battle. So glad the Saja Boys could take breakfast and give our meal the rest of the day.

16:01Tom Rosenthal:It is an honor to share. No, it's our honor. It is our larger honor. No, really. Stop. You can really feel the respect in this battle. Pick a meal to pick a side. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. And participate in McDonald's while supplies last. Pepsi Prebiotic Cola, an original and cherry vanilla. That Pepsi taste you love, with no artificial sweeteners and three grams of prebiotic fibre. Pepsi Prebiotic Cola, unbelievably Pepsi. We did, I don't know if any of people know this, but me and you did Comedy Raw Spot together, remember? Bizarrely, like two days ago, someone came up to me and said that that's where they first saw me.

16:44Tom Rosenthal:No way. And they really enjoyed it. but then they said, you know Chris had the funniest joke. And I was like, what was that? It's when you said, I look like I buy breast milk on eBay. Don't worry about that. You said that and the guy was like, that was so funny. I don't even fully understand what that meant, but I remember you saying it and everyone laughing. You know what I remember mainly is that it was so terrifying. And you said, your first joke about me was like, you said something about I look like I should be carried on someone's back, carried up to Mordor or something. It was some reference to Lord of the Rings or Game of Thrones.

17:15Tom Rosenthal:which I don't watch. Oh, no. I don't know what it was. I remember you saying that and everyone, because before it, I'm like, okay, what's he going to say? He's going to have a go at my nose and my dad and I'll prep for all these lines and you come out and you say to me, what sounds to me like gibberish? And you just go, and then the whole room goes, and he laughs so much and I'm sat there being like, I can't come back to that. I don't understand what that is. What was it? I don't even think it was. I remember two jokes that I said. I said one, which I said, you look really young and really old at the CMT.

17:47And I also said

17:48Tom Rosenthal:you looked like a crow. Yeah, yeah, or like a pigeon or something. And that was such a good... But then you had like Catherine Ryan, Jimmy Carr. Put me on edge of that show. I didn't like it. I remember coming off stage and feeling like quite sick. I didn't like it. I thought we were both really funny and like it was like a good roast. We really liked each other as well. I like watching roasts to be honest. But actually doing it, I just felt a bit yuck, yuck. Yeah, I'm not a big, I don't like that kind of thing. I always feel sorry. I always just feel sorry for the person who's getting roasted and that doesn't sit well.

18:22Tom Rosenthal:You said I look like a bird or something, and then I stood there and I was trying, I think, to make a face that didn't look like a bird. But when I watched it back, I was like, you know he's fucking right. I look so much like a pigeon. I'm like, well, I'll grow or whatever. And it's, yeah, it's brutal, isn't it? Why do you consciously not look like a bird? This is it. When you're doing a roast, but I don't know how to, because I, you know, other people will watch them when they actually laugh in there apart from me. But I was like, I'm not going to laugh. I'm going to stand there like I'm hard, like a hard man.

18:48Tom Rosenthal:And then you're having a go at me and I'm just sort of like doing this face like, you haven't hurt my feelings at all. I know what Game of Thrones is.

18:58Oh, fucking hell. Have you still not seen Game of Thrones?

19:01Tom Rosenthal:I don't know whether it was referring to Lord of the Rings or Game of Thrones. If it was being carried back or it was Game of Thrones. You do look a bit like that. You look like Bran the Broken, yeah. You do. You look a bit like that. You look like that. Something like that. I think I said, If I remember it's coming about, as I said, you look like you didn't get a taxi here. You look like you were carried here by Hordor. That's what you said. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, what is that? But you can't say, what is that on Roast Battle? That's basically going, I've lost. It's like being insulted by someone in a different language.

19:30You could have had the best roast on me because you didn't know this and no one knew this. I didn't tell anyone while I was there, but I had worms the entire time we did that. Oh my God. Stop. Was that when you had a roast? I nearly pulled it because I had worms. so I went down anyway. Well, congrats.

19:45Tom Rosenthal:Well done for making it. That would have been it anyway. Yeah, well, Chris, I know that you've got worms, Gable, though he wins. How could I have got that info, though, to be fair? If you'd come up with that, I would have been so, yeah, a single tear would have rolled down my face. I would have walked that stage. We're going to have to watch it again because I'm going to have to watch if you're, like, squidging because you've got an... No, I wasn't sad. I took the tablet and it was just like, and they only come out at night, really, when you're doing that. Absolutely brutal, that. In the car on the way home, in the car on the way home, one slow, lethargic worm came out of my bum.

20:17I felt it, and then it died. How do you think that you acquired this? I've talked about this many times on the podcast. I was doing meet and greets after the gigs, and someone sat... Listeners, viewers, I'm sorry to go over this again, but someone sat in the dark of one of my gigs, raking their bare arsehole, and then came and shook my hand immediately after the show. It's so hard. I'm the only human in the world who's had worms and everyone else in his house including his three year old hasn't had worms we didn't have them amazing she didn't get them she was pregnant

20:48Tom Rosenthal:so she couldn't take the tablet horrible I've never spoken about this I got it once when we were filming plebs shut up you've had adult worms as well I had the same very Roman thing to get because honestly so we're filming if you watch that show there's just like loads of markets in the background with like vegetable and fruit and we had goats and stuff in the background and they'd you know go in and they'd go in like yeah yeah and I just one day I just I just ate an apple from the market and not thinking about it and that apple had probably been being licked by a goat or something and I just got I got the thing yeah and they make you wear gloves at night because you scratch your absolutely terrible yeah I mean I'm sorry it does happen you know it's a medical thing I'm glad that you admitted it now I feel comfortable do I admit that it's a horrendous thing I would shake your hand but I feel like we can't now it feels weird but I feel like we're bonded I've not had worms since like seven it's really weird because you're lying there as an adult and you're going your bum's really itchy my bum's really itchy that itch is moving oh no it's absolutely shocking it's that that itch is moving oh my fucking god well my mum was a nurse so when we were younger we always were getting treated for threadworms but then nobody else seemed to have it and my mum would be like because they just don't know what it is but they were giving it to us type thing so I think this kid's just rocking around with itchy arseholes no idea I think it's much more acceptable for a kid to have it than a grown person isn't it I think A grown professional comedian and actor.

22:12It's me watching you eat an apple on the set of Plebs. I was hungry. I was hungry.

22:17Tom Rosenthal:You don't think, oh, a goat's been licking that, do you? You just think there's an apple there. Oh, that's disgraceful. At least I was a victim of mine. You just got yours through shoo of greed and stupidity. Yeah, it's true. Let's do roast battle again. We know so much more about each other. Yeah, only worms. Five worm-based roasts. Your worms are crap. My worms are longer than your worms. Can we stop talking about words? Yeah, listen, what I'm very interested in. So obviously we always get stuff about people, right? Obviously I've known you for some years now, but you say that ChatGPT is your best friend and knows you better than any person on your planet.