Ruthless Zodiac Signs

23:19Yeah. Yeah, oh, my God.

23:21Rosie Ramsey:But you never see the outcome of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or when they're like, oh, do you want to look after this island as your job? Like caretaker of the island. Like, yeah, of course. But then you never see like, oh, there's a bloke that got that job. Or woman. Oh, sexist. I hate that I said that. Attack. Oh, God. Yeah. Listen. Anyway, no, listen. Oh, is Virgo trusted? Virgos are great at keeping their word and following through on commitments. Their analytic mindset means they think things through carefully, ensuring that they are reliable and dependable in all situations. Absolute bollocks.

23:57Absolute bollocks.

23:58Rosie Ramsey:It's great, Josh. Chris, I'll get the kids today. Don't you worry. You do this, this and this. All right, no bother. I'm literally halfway through the gym. Phone call. Can you get the kids? I'm actually going to do something. But that's because I think I've got ADHD. No, it's because you're spoiled. What are Virgo's like with ADHD? Oh, God. Oh, a Virgo with ADHD is more like a cat recorder. Fucking shut up, man. Hang on. I slagged off Gemini's quite a lot there. Just very quickly. oh this is just oh i understand there's people reading they're listening to this who read your things all the time i was so wrong yeah gemini's are the nice ones yeah curious um gemini traits include curiosity adaptability communication skills um they are often described as witty fun and quick-minded right oh i'm so sorry gemini's i had yours wrong and none of them in there they're none of the i've just checked again they're not in the murderer pile so no gemini's are fine i'm sorry great yeah uh and if you're offended on mass by anything we've said about your star sign grow the fuck up starting or growing your own business can be intimidating and lonely at times your to-do list may feel endless with new tasks and lists can easily begin to overrun your life so finding the right tool that not only helps you out but simplifies everything as a built-in business partner can be a game changer for millions of businesses that tool is shopify Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10 % of all e-commerce in the U.S.

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26:21Got some serious news for you, Rosie. Serious news. It's going to rock your world.

26:28Rosie Ramsey:Is it podcastable? Is it about our family? It's podcastable. It's about the darker side of elite sports. Ooh, so I'm being caught taking drugs. worse. The World Stone Skimming Championships has been hit by a cheating scandal. How? Weighted stones? Close. Several competitors have been disqualified. This is genuinely true. Shut. Right. Seriously? Yeah. 100 % true. Several competitors have been disqualified for making their stones rounder. Bastards. That's sad though, isn't it? What have they done? Sand at the edges are? They held their hands up and admitted it. So I saw it popped up on Instagram and I was fascinated.

27:12Rosie Ramsey:Hang on, they can take their own stones? Well, it's mad, isn't it? Surely they can just get them giving off the beat. Where is this competition? I'd use a CD. No, to be fair, if you had to find them on the beach, it's in Scotland. If you had to find them, that would be the most boring bit. Although then again, it could be part of it because the skill could be finding the best stone and then throwing it. But then how would you get the same stone? Well, you don't. 3D image printing? There'd be some fighting, wouldn't there? be like Tommy Fury at the end of Great North Run everyone would be fucking ragging each other out of the way can we just say I think that was a mistake I think he tripped I don't think he pushed that guy out of the way I think I said it on the podcast I think he was just fucking up Rosie yesterday I was at Jiu Jitsu and I was on the corner of the mat having to drink my water and I went to topple I nearly toppled off the mat you're not allowed to stand off the mat without shoes on it's like a rule I literally fucking grabbed a hold of someone to get us back on and he was like what you doing and I was like I nearly stood on the floor by accident and I literally so I get it but I'm sure you could have It's bad.

28:10It's like floor's lava. Shoes aren't allowed on the mat and bare feet aren't allowed off the mat. That's the rules. But if you fell, Chris, that's fine. I should have had better balance. You take things very...

28:19Rosie Ramsey:What did you do the other day in the house? You take things so literally. I think it was last night when I ragged Rafe's juice off him when he tried to have some juice before bed. You said no juice before bed and he went to finish a bit of juice and I literally ragged it off him. I was ready to put him through the wall. Rules is rules! No! What I mean is, I like to make the last drink of the day either like water or milk just before bed but the bane hadn't finished his juice from his tea so he went and picked it up and you were like get that juice out of your mouth and I was like Chris, there's three mouthfuls there this is what you meant about you wish I'd be a bit more chilled out I don't see any correlation between this listen I'm a Leo, Leos don't like people drinking juice before bed a lot of Leos are dentists the way your brain works is diabolical back to the stone skimming scandal so they literally said, they were like hey, fucking hell, these are perfectly round, these.

29:09Have you been sanding these down? And apparently, they're very honest people, to be fair, when they're not cheating, they all went, yeah, we've been doing it. They all got disqualified. Good. Shame. Absolute shame.

29:17Rosie Ramsey:Good, and I hope they got took... Ban them from all beaches. Round the lot. Bring back hanging. Honestly. That's a bit intense. Nah, just like, people throw it around. That's quite like saying it. That's mad, that is. Yeah. That's really, like, that's sad. Sad. It's just hilarious. When you've got to cheat in it. Well, it's just hilarious that people are even cheating at that level. Do you know what I mean? I can't believe it's a competition if I'm honest with you you're kidding us fucking you never skimmed a school you've never lived I can't do it I got about 10 once I couldn't believe it so my mate who was with us I sent him that I sent him that as soon as it came up I was like look at this bastards I could have been I could have been I could have been a millionaire I could have been professional please don't add another stupid ridiculous hobby to your list of shit too late just being added stone skimming guy stop it now I'm gonna go and buy an angle grinder angle grinder oh babadoo babadoo babadoo bah to our news Guys I've added two dates Much to Rosie's delight Look at her face Look at her little face Look how excited she is I've added two dates To my 2026 Two of these Are the last two dates That are getting added It is Manchester Opera House They are Manchester Opera House 14th Saturday the 14th of March And Stockton Globe Thursday the 26th of Feb They've both been added I didn't know about the Manchester one Yes you did I did not I said I was going to do two nights in Manchester I did not You shared something on Instagram About Stockton Yeah Not Manchester It literally said Manchester same post says Manchester right next to the word Stockton right next to it right next to it fair enough I've got some other exciting news ooh what so we we have chosen to spice things up a little bit we've been doing the podcast for five years almost six years six years genuinely six years I think it's six years yeah 2019 yeah and we have decided that we're going to start interviewing people woo in fact we've already done a few We have.

31:02Rosie Ramsey:We've been down to London. It's not this studio. Yeah, it's our studio. We travel to everybody else. And we've done a few so far. And dare I say, I've flippin' thoroughly enjoyed it. We've had a brilliant time. So it's going to be extra to this podcast. Yeah. It's going to be available on YouTube and on all podcast platforms where you get this podcast. It's going to come out Wednesdays. The first one comes out Wednesday, the 24th of September. Ooh. We've had some lovely chats with some lovely people. But we can reveal that the first one is none other than Jordan Stevens of Rizzle Kicks fame. Very exciting.

31:31Rosie Ramsey:He's such a lovely guy. What a dude, man. Oh, man. We had such a laugh. I'd never met him before. Yeah. You'd met him loads. I'd never met him, and he was just so lovely. As he talks about when we chat to him, I'd met a different version of him. Yes. So I'd met pop star, young, famous. Full of drugs. Full of drugs. Now we have met sober Jordan. We just had such a funny chat. Nice soul, I think. He's a nice guy. He's a good dude. We had a really, really good chat. and yes, what happens is we interview them, we chat to them and then they read one of your Please Keep Me Anonymous letters. Yes. Each person's going to do that.

32:06They're going to come out every week from Wednesday to the 24th of September and we've had really good fun doing them. We're going to record some more.

32:11Rosie Ramsey:It's been brilliant. It's been really fun. But this one's not going to change. The one you listen to now is not going to change. There's no chance any other bastards getting in this room. It's already crowded. Am I right? I think we could put somebody there if they wanted to. I haven't got another plug. I'm not putting another mic there because I have another plug. I have to turn another camera on. I can't. I do enough. Listen, we'll keep it justice. I do enough.

32:33It's time for What's Your Beef. What's your beef? Beef, beef, beef. I have been a delight as of late, so I can't imagine you've got a beef with me.

32:44Rosie Ramsey:You've not, but this is fine. This is actually... Oh, you know what? A little compliment for you. You never give me compliments, by the way, but I'm going to compliment you. Not on camera or on audio. No, not in real life. Can we just clarify? in real life you are so far up my backside it's actually gross yeah but I've got you know I've got a reputation I'm a podcast bad boy don't laugh don't laugh because that's you obviously think there's something else in your head do you know what it is you probably are a podcast bad boy because podcasts nowadays are very I doubt it very much tell me tell me all of your your feelings all of your wars and and trauma I'm definitely not a podcast bad boy don't say that because some crossover YouTuber boxer will get in touch with us and go you're claiming in your podcast bad boy I'm like ah boy erm don't let any of that noise unless you're just a boxer in which case I'll take it down I'll choke you now listen podcast bad boy erm no I do I told you today you look beautiful we haven't even told everyone about the fact that just over in the corner there before we started you had to get down on your knees and we had against the white wall no don't be dirty faces down on the knees against the white wall because there's a wall light there obviously and I was taking a photo of you for your passport it was fucking I kept telling you you look beautiful and you kept looking for a photo no I look I look stupid I can't why am I like this it's weird because you look absolutely gorgeous and when you smile and when you laugh you light up a room but when you try and pull I've got a wrestling bitch face when you try and pull a normal face for a passport it honestly looked like a criminal's mugshot it's not good if I was passport control and I'd open it I'd go she is coming to this country to cause bother get her out she's got drugs get her out she's got something like she's got the right face on her yeah imagine what's the compliment you were going to give us imagine like smuggling drugs or what the fuck must be the worst like I just It must be the worst.

34:25Rosie Ramsey:No, not for me. Me compliment. Yes. I forgot me keys, me house keys the other night and you let me in at half two in the morning and you didn't even kick off. I didn't kick off. So well done. I came downstairs letting you in. But me beef with you. Yes. Can I go first? Absolutely. Right. I love me bed. Yeah. And you hate, you hate the relationship that I have with my bed. Yeah. You hate that I just get lots of enjoyment by being horizontal. You must. Not even in a slaggy way. Just, I love lying down. I love being in bed. You must lie, I reckon you go and lie down at about seven o 'clock at night.

34:57Oh. And then you don't get out of bed until at least half past seven in the morning. On a weekend, it's later than that. It's about nine. You spend more than half of your life horizontal.

35:07Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. Yeah. I don't see the problem. I say to Rafe every night when he's just having his little supper and we're watching telly in my bed, I say, Rafe, this is my favourite time of day. I say the same to Robin when he comes. He comes and reads his little book in my bed. Then he goes off to his own bed. And I say, Robin, this is my favourite time of day. I just love it. I just love it. Nothing to do with the kids. it's just that you're lying no it's everything you've got your iPad you're eating crisps and nuts it's just me horizontal little bedtime and I love that they come in and out and we'll have that lovely little time at the end of the day and I hope that they'll look back in years to come and they'll go me mum's a lazy cow no they'll say me mum was really well rested and nice she wasn't stressed I want to let me mum really well rested and they'll say love that little time in me mum's bed yeah yeah so what was your beef with me but it just upsets is how much you literally like you look at us with disgust whenever i'm like i'm just going up do you know i have a little game of myself so i'll go down i'll go out in the morning i'll make like i make the berns omelets and stuff like that and um i come up with a cup of coffee for you and i'm like well i know she'll still be in bed she will still be in bed because i bring her a coffee in bed and i'll give you a coffee and i'm like there she is and i go down then i'll do loads of stuff i'll have my coffee i'll have me athletic greens i'll do all my different things and i come up and get ready and as i'm walking up the stairs i always think because as we walk up our stairs if if our bedroom door's open, we can see you on your side of the bed.

36:25And I just think, is she still going to be lying in that fucking bed? And I get up, and my head pops over the crest of the stairs, and I go, yeah, thought so. There she is.

36:33Rosie Ramsey:But what's wrong? Yeah, I'm not hurting anyone. No, it's absolutely not. So what's the difference with me just lying in bed, and you sat on the sofa? What's the difference? I'm not sat on that sofa. Yes, you are. I'm not. You are. You're sat in the chair, which, by the way, you never, would you stop plumping them chairs up, when you get up for the fucking day. I want that... I'm sick of them chairs, you fat pig. Listen, no. Them chairs need to have my arse print in them because obviously I'm a catastrophiser and I've got anxiety and every day I think could be me last. Every time I leave the house, I think I might not get back yet a day.

37:06Rosie Ramsey:Oh, so you want us... You want to hold my Simpson army chairs and I've got to leave them? Yeah, I want an arse print that you can worship when I'm gone. No, I'm sorry. Which could be any day now. I'm sorry because you know what would happen? Yeah. The priest would come for his tea and biscuits and to talk about what we're going to do and I'd plump them cushions before he came or she. Very disrespectful. Very disrespectful. You'd be gone before you even know. So don't bother with that. Great. And I'd be in bed, so it doesn't really matter. Of course. My beef with you. Yes. And I don't know if I've had this before, but it's something you've been doing for a long time.

37:34And it's not even that you do it. It's the way you act afterwards. So when we have a conversation on the phone, you don't hang up. When the conversation's over, you let me hang up. You never hang up. Do I not? Nah, never. so on the off chance that I'm doing something if I very rarely talk on speaker I hate it I hate having people on speaker but you must have people on speaker quite a lot I'm always doing something right so at the moment the very rare moment that I'm doing something while I'm on the phone like I was putting some pictures and stuff up yesterday I was doing a bit of DIY and I'll have it on I'll have the phone on and I go okay bye and you go right bye and then I'm like she hasn't hung up and I can hear you doing stuff and I'm like me hands are full by the way I can't hang up and you're like, oh God!

38:20Like you absolutely, like something in the past that's happened and you're like, well hang up then! And I'm like, you fucking hang up. You never hang up. You never, you just let,

38:28Rosie Ramsey:I have to hang up every time. You call us for bullshit reasons. I hate it when you ring us. You're just like, hiya! I'm like, hello. And you're like, just on your way back. Just coming back now and I'm like, I'll see you when you get home. Just checking that you're not still in fucking bed. Oh, if I've got, can we just clarify that? I do get up out of bed. I just like I just really enjoy straight in bed after this as soon as we're done I wish there's a bed just off the camera there she jumps in that bed I really just enjoy being in bed I don't think there's anything wrong with that I thought what your favourite job would be can you remember on the big breakfast when they used to interview the stars in bed oh my god that's your favourite job yeah we did the Michael McIntyre thing in bed in bed we came out on a bed yeah that was nice yeah okay love you bye lazy bye it's time for questions from the public questions from the public public.

39:18As always, if you'd like to get in touch, you chagged, mariedandhoid at gmail.com.

39:23Rosie Ramsey:I'm going to start off nice and easy here. Yes. It's just lovely and sweet, and I want to get your opinion on it, because I know what mine is. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Hello. My partner told me he likes it when he finds a shopping list in the trolley, because he likes to say what other people are buying. I love that. I do. I love that. So now and then, if I find a receipt in the trolley, I'll have a quick read. Oh, a receipt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. alright okay I've never looked at a receipt book but it's not as yeah but it's not as personal as a shopping list I do love I love looking at a shopping list because I might have wrote things like you know like pickles brackets you know the ones I like yeah yeah that's cute I just said cannot tell if I find this funny because he's a bit of a nosy bastard or if it's just a big fat ick let me know what you think I would yeah I would enjoy that I like it I'm on board with that I like anything that's like personal like I love sitting in a toilet and then you close the door and there's like graffiti on the door Right.

40:15Rosie Ramsey:Do you not love that? I haven't seen toilet graffiti for a long time. Oh, yeah. There's loads, isn't there? Well, I don't sit on toilets. Well, I never see the back of a toilet door. Oh, no. Oh, is this a female thing? Or is it a sitting down having a shit thing? It's because I don't have a shit in public. Oh, right. So I've never seen the back of a toilet door unless I'm just quickly shutting it and turning around. Oh, my God. I've never looked at it. You've never lived. So it's just something like it'll be a poster or something and someone will disagree. Right. They'll slag it off and they'll put their opinion and you know what I mean?

40:45Rosie Ramsey:Yes. Yeah. It's always just interesting. Enjoy a bit of graffiti. I just enjoy a bit of graffiti. It's just something, it's a dying art, I think. Art? Well, it's just fun, isn't it? Yeah. Probably not fun for the people who own the establishment. Did you see the new Banksy one? I haven't, no. There was a new Banksy one outside the, God, House of Lords or something in London. Okay, what is it? It's a judge with a gavel beating a protest at a death and they covered it instantly. They covered a Banksy? Yeah. They cover loads of them. Do they? Yeah, yeah. But they covered it like instantly. It was gone in a few hours but they weirdly couldn't get it all off so it's like the shadow of it now and it looks even more haunting.

41:26But then the most recent photo I saw there's like big metal boards in front of it and two policemen standing there completely cordoned it off. Because when a Banksy gets revealed it's like fucking huge like loads of people go there. Yeah. Yeah.

41:38Rosie Ramsey:All right, okay. So there you go. Has he got people working for him or is it actually still him? Don't know, still haven't seen his face. No one's seen his face. He's only done like one interview. I know people who write for him. What? I know people who write for him. Yeah, when he did like, because he did a book and stuff. Ah, do you? Like comedy writers? Yeah, comedians. Some comedians write for him. He's funny. Got a good sense of humour. Oh my God, what would you do? Oh my God. Imagine if it was like someone everyone knows. What do you mean? Like that would just, that would be delicious. Dermot O 'Leary.

42:05Imagine if it was Dermot O 'Leary.

42:06Rosie Ramsey:You don't know, do you? Should we start a rumour that Banksy's Dermot O 'Leary? No. Or Joel Domit. Just someone who's like really wholesome in every way and you would never expect it. It's fucking Mr. Tumble. It's Justin. What's it? It's Justin Fletcher. It's Justin Fletcher. Justin Fletcher's Banksy. I just feel, no, I feel like it was, I was thinking more like Aayla Starr. Oh, like someone massive. Like, I don't know. Something like that. I don't believe it being Tom Hardy. Yeah, okay, a bit edgy. Tom Hanks. No, I think it's Judi Dench. Like, that's what I'm like. I'm thinking it's just someone who you'd absolutely be like, Norway.

42:37Yeah. Very good. Oh, this is interesting. I still think it's Mr. Tom on me.

42:41Rosie Ramsey:Well, we'll go with that. Yeah. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Hey, friends. Olivia from Oli. Between new routines and the ultimate group project known as parenting, you need science-backed solutions that work with your life. That's where Oli comes in. Start your mornings off right with Maltese made to support nutrition and immune health. Choose from our lineup of gut-supporting probiotics. And we've got occasional sleep support to help the whole fam chase their big dreams. Head back to class with the number one gummy supplement brand. Stock up on Ollie.com today. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.

43:12This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.

43:16Rosie Ramsey:This episode is brought to you by Facebook. So you were scrolling on Marketplace, and there it was, the bike you'd been searching for. You sent a message, and it turned out the seller was super chatty, kind of funny, and an avid cyclist. The next thing you know, you're in a cycling crew. well, a community cycling group. The thing about Facebook, you might find more than what you're looking for. From a browse to a bike ride, this summer, find more on Facebook. I get so many headaches every month. It could be chronic migraine, 15 or more headache days a month, each lasting four hours or more. Botox, autobotulinum toxin A, prevents headaches in adults with chronic migraine.

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44:38Rosie Ramsey:Why wait? Ask your doctor. Visit BotoxChronicMigraine.com or call 1-800-44-BOTOX to learn more. Hi, lovely Ramses. Just listening to your latest podcast about the Bora Terrier and the Knickers. Yes. Dog away at the Knickers. Dog away at the Knickers. I told him a veterinary nurse and had a similar situation. Ooh. We had a lady call up saying she just saw her cat eat something erroneous. Yeah. What does that mean? Like. Suspicious? Yeah, well, that's a really weird. So if something's erroneous, it's like a mistake. It's like wrong. Error. Erroneous. Error. It's of the nature of being an error. Okay.

45:21Saying your cat ate something erroneous sounds like something that chat GPT would write. or an alien pretended to be a human.

45:27Rosie Ramsey:Okay. So me cat eats something erroneous. Maybe this is AI. It's just a really weird thing to put in the sentence, erroneous. But it's like an error. It means a mistake. It means something's wrong. They've made something wrong. If your answer's erroneous, it means your answer's wrong. But if you're saying, I can't imagine a way where you're putting erroneous into a sentence without sounding like a dickhead. This is a veterinary nurse, and I trust it. All right, well, they're trying to sound clever. They're trying to sound cleverer than what they are. Cat eats something erroneous. But it might just be a thing that they say, erroneous.

45:54Okay.

45:55Rosie Ramsey:erroneous sounds like cavonia great and she kneaded it out before her husband came home why I'll tell you oh she didn't say what it was but insisted we open up the cat to retrieve the item god fucking hell jeez open up the cat yeah like it's a bum bag like yeah how awful is that just like get them in the operating theatre start erroneous because they ate something erroneous which they shouldn't have right god God, don't have animals, love. Yeah. Can I just say, we borrowed your sister's dog the other day. Yeah, basically. He was lush. I had a lovely little day with him. Yeah. But he was chewing on something in the garden and I didn't know what it was.

46:37Getting something out of a dog's mouth that they want to chew and you don't want them to chew is one of the most stressful things, especially when it's not your dog.

46:43Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. He was literally, I was like, in the know? The know they're chewing it? And you go, hey, hey. And they're like, fuck, he doesn't want me to chew this, but I'm chewing the shit out of this. It was like looking after someone's baby because we didn't take our eyes off of them because I was like this is Kate's baby so we just I followed him around that garden it was ridiculous he was lush I loved having him for the day but it was it was a crown from the bluey advent calendar we had last year the problem is we've got little kid toys everywhere yeah but he knew he was like hey what this do you fuck you and I was like mate he's so cute he's lovely okay she didn't say what it was but insisted we open up the cat to retrieve the item open up the cat off the x-rays we went to confirm a foreign body we decided to scope the patient as it was still in the stomach.

47:25Rosie Ramsey:What we pulled out made me gag for a good two minutes. Do you want to? I think you'll guess. What have we pulled out? It's a condom. It was a condom? It was a condom. A used condom. This is vile. Filled to the brim. The brim. The brim. Really? The brim? I don't know who's brimming a condom these days. The brim? They're kind of big like. I know. To the brim. It was basically a water bomb. why has a cat had that what part of the cat's gone I'm sorry right why is it fucking lush I'll have a bit of that I'm not trying to be awful against animals here I love animals I think they're very gorgeous but they'll fucking eat anything they will eat anything dogs eat their own vomit and shit and cats like oh my god somebody put on Instagram the other day right no what what

48:15Jordan my friend Jordan he's got a little dog called Ralph yeah yeah what's he eat Jordan and Sean came to me gig with us on Sunday and I picked Jordan up and he was like fucking dog fucking dog's just had a full pack of saurine

48:28Rosie Ramsey:a pack of saurine like a cake the saurine loaf he left them by accident and he says he remembered like I need to put them away and then he went the other room he came back out of it and the dog had fucking savaged them he's only a little dog but he made them ill and he was like the dog's fucking highing up and he goes I'm standing there going well exactly of course like that's what you get they're not meant to have reasons you know he's got reasons he's fine the dog's fine the dog's fine but he goes every time he goes every time I put his dinner out for him he looks at his zifter and goes fucking this again and you're like why that again because everything else you can shit your back end out you'll be sick everywhere of course you gotta just eat your dinner I realised when I had beer for the one day if we had a dog it would be so overweight because I just fed him all day you just kept giving him ham it's just ridiculous I'm a feeder but the won't stop I know well I give him back and I said to Kate don't give him any tea he's had sweet corn he's had ham he's had chicken he was bloody oh god you've been farting like a champion that night This is what I was going to say.

49:22Rosie Ramsey:So on Instagram, someone put like a video on their stories and they were like, oh gosh, with their cat. Finally come home, we've been worried sick. Just fucked off for four days. Oh, they do. They do. Four days. Some cats see after. But they said that they were dead skinny, so they were like, they've probably been trapped somewhere rather than like, you know, chilling out. And I couldn't deal with that. I couldn't do the stress of that. Imagine, like, where are you? Yeah. Where, like, where are you, pussy cat? And then they just come walking through the door. I'd be like where the bloody hell have you been yeah and he goes I'm not having this turns around walks straight back out that's why I can't get a cat there's a very famous the lack of loyalty I'm a Virgo it would really upset us oh god yeah well cats are cats are Pisces oh water sign oh wishy washy oh god yeah honestly they are wishy washy there's a very famous Billy Connolly joke where he says he doesn't trust cats because any animal that stays when you move house is a little bastard.

50:21Yeah, so true. So true. Yeah, yeah. They're like, I haven't moved. I'm still here.

50:26Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, I'm here and I'm staying here. So this used condom filled to the brim. To the brim. Sam, get right, okay. A lot of spunk. Not filled to the brim because I reckon if you fill one up from the tap, if you put a condom around the tap in your bath and let it go all the way to the bottom filled up, I reckon you'd get six or seven pints in one of them bad lads before it pops. So it wasn't filled to the brim. Well, no, I just think she means in terms of... In terms of jizz, there was a healthy amount of jizz in there. Good amount of jizz. Yeah. Oh, God. So it was tied up then. So none of the jizz went into the cat.

50:52Rosie Ramsey:Sloppily tied. Yeah. It was pulled from the cat's stomach. Oh, God. Pregnant. What? No, don't. No. A few things. You can't get pregnant when it goes into your stomach. You should know this. This was the first ever sex education lesson you had. And secondly, if it was tied up, the cat didn't get anything. I don't think I ever got told. In my Catholic school, I really don't think I ever got told that if you just swallow semen, you'll not get pregnant. I don't think that was under the curriculum for any schools, but I think you were told where it went. So through process of elimination, you knew that if it went in your fucking ears, eyes, nose or mouth, you wouldn't get pregnant.

51:27Rosie Ramsey:Well, they definitely didn't tell her enough because I heard a rumour of a girl in another year who had sex in the semis using a bag of, empty bag of crisps. So she didn't listen. Inside out or? I don't know. I'm not believing that would be so sharp, a bag of crisps. No chance. no chance right listen so sloppily tired pulled out the cat's stomach from that moment we knew why the woman wanted it out she confessed she had slept with someone at her house not her husband why are you telling the vet that he doesn't have that much cum and the cat he's got so much more cum than you imagine that imagine that in the heat of an argument on the way out yeah well good show you're like well he's got loads more Watches than you.

52:14Oh, well, good.

52:15Rosie Ramsey:I probably would say that. And it says, hang on. That's made me really sad. The cat walked up to the condom and down the hatch, Bob's your uncle, in it went. Oh, God. We were advised not to write what the foreign body was on the note and only to contact her regarding the cat's recovery. This is funny because I've worked with children before. You wouldn't be able to be like, don't write that down. But obviously, if you own an animal, you're allowed to just keep stuff from the note. Well, what if? He has a... Dodge. Which is a bad thing. What if he has to take the cat to the vet for the next time something's wrong with the cat and everyone there's like, oh.

52:51Rosie Ramsey:Foreign body. We all know. No, no, they're just like looking at him. He'll not know, but they're looking at him. Oh, we know about your wife's cheating on you and you don't know, but we know. Oh, there you go. That's just Dodge City, isn't it? There you go. Wow. Happy Christmas. That's it, honestly. Like, adultery told from the... So, you know there's a horror film coming out called Good Boy. I think there's another film, there's two films coming out at the same time called Good Boy, which is upsetting. But one of them is a horror movie told from the point of view of the dog. I hate it already.

53:26Rosie Ramsey:I hate it already. As the words left in my mouth, I knew you were going to say that. What, bloody, look who's talking to? No, thank you. It's just from the point of view of a dog. No. So the whole horror film is from the dog's point of view. Apparently it's really good. It's won awards and stuff. I don't know if it's won awards, but it's apparently really good. Again, I've said this before, Nia. I watch trailers of horror movies, but I can't watch actual horror movies, so I'll just watch trailers. I'm really like... I don't understand how that can be a good film. It's from the dog's point of view.

53:54Rosie Ramsey:From the dog's point of view. Yeah. Well, it's not talking, is it, you dick? No, it's obviously... Through the dog's eyes. What's the horror? Is it ghosts? Well, you know when dogs are like barking in the corner room and you don't know why, well, you see what the dog's saying. So the house is haunted and it's trying to tell its owner that the house is haunted by barking and stuff, but you don't the owner doesn't know so it's fine I think it's fucking intriguing I think it sounds amazing will I watch it? no get too scared what kind of dog is it? oh wait it's obvious what kind of dog it is come on you're making a horror film from the point of view of a dog what dog are you picking?

54:25Rosie Ramsey:German Shepherd no close next one what's a Labrador or Golden Retriever isn't it? why would you pick any other? why would why? well you're not going to pick a fucking cockapoo are you? we're going to get him to act you're obviously going to pick an extremely trainable dog with a really good nature. I was thinking more like what they look like. Okay, so, right, okay. Just got to be a good dog. It's one of them looking dogs. Yeah, yeah. Well, hey, Annie. That was a dog. That was a good dog. Very good dog. Is it tall? No, but they used it in all the stuff. Dumb dog, why are you following me? In the stage show, it's a dog.

54:59Rosie Ramsey:I don't know what it is. Probably a few dogs. Might be a Borda Terrier, actually. Probably a few dogs. They're lovely dogs. I love Borda Terriers. They're nice dogs. Great, okay. Pinball brain kicking off again. Yeah, so a story of adultery, a steamy sexual drama told from the point of view of a dog. Copyright Chris Ramsey. We're going to make that. No. We're going to make that. That sounds shit. It sounds like... Borrow Kate's dog. Put a GoPro on his head. Me and you. Get pissed. Have sex. Let a dog watch. Millionaires. Awful. It sounds like one of them films that when big actors are talking about their careers that have gone by.

55:35Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. It's like one of the films that they do at the beginning. Right. No, it's about this dog that ate a condom. It was my condom. All right, if we did that one. Yeah, yeah. All right. But the horror one, I think you're going to eat your words. I might. Well, listen, I might watch it. We'll see. I'm not watching. I'm too scared. Great. I can't watch them. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Hope you're good. Yes. I'm listening to episode 217 when you're talking about someone's head teacher dressing up as Jesus.

56:05Sorry, what?

56:07Rosie Ramsey:Do I remember that? The headmaster dressed up as Jesus for the Easter Assembly. Oh, those loads of compliments. No, it was just really full on. He came down the centre of the thing carrying the cross and that and everyone was like, Jesus fucking hell. Yeah. I love this podcast. The stuff I forgot that we've talked about in here is crazy. That was a while ago. That was 217. What were you on now? 337? 337. Yeah, that was that. Fucking hell. 220. Wow. Oh, one before you go, shout out. I met two fans at the gig in Yarm the other night that I did because they knew the promoter forgot the names I'm shit with names older lady younger lady 17 year old younger lady she's like on her third or fourth run around the podcast listening now and I was like you're 17 and you're listening she was like yeah I love it it's my favourite I was like oh we thought like you know I just think the age range is amazing we can have like like she hasn't got kids she hasn't you know she probably quite enjoys life still but she's listening to us she's not tainted like us.

57:05Yeah. We're in that horrible

57:07Rosie Ramsey:part of life. It's fine though. It's not horrible. It's just, it's busy. It's like a traffic jam. It's a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's intense. This is the most intense part of your life but we'll get it back. Yeah. It's fine unless we're dying but and then now we're fucked. It's always a kiss. Okay, this unlocked a memory of when I was in secondary school. Not me, this person. This person, yes. We had a grumpy old teacher that everyone used to take the piss out of because kids are dicks. Yeah. Who taught us history. I always dreaded her lessons because she would just make us sit in complete silence the whole hour and would kick anyone out of class who made a peep.

57:38Rosie Ramsey:That's a hungover lady. Hungover. She just sounds hungover. Do you ever think back to, I was thinking about this the other day, do you ever just think back to some teachers that were just fucking just miserable? Yeah, you just think you shouldn't be doing it. Alright, I'm a comedian and I've presented and I can talk in front of people and I know how to play a room but I also in a, how would I put this, in a public like a social interaction I understand how to work and talk to people and how to sort of like come across and you know some teachers it was like they'd just been fucking dropped on the planet straight away and they walked in and the kids were like and they were like and they had no fucking control and you go how can you be this shit how like I mean it might be different now I imagine teachers are a lot better now but fuck some teachers I was like really one of ours used to get locked in the cupboard sorry yeah by the way when I went to school and now that we talk my teacher my friends are all teachers now when I was at school I don't think they have this anymore but there was like the uppers and the lowers which is awful and it's that's just terrible isn't it so you're talking about like sets sets of ability the uppers and the lowers like uppertine uppertine lower lowers like if so I was in the uppers yeah clerical era obviously copied a lot my brother was in the lowers yeah and like and it's just yeah it's like it's classified like it's awful That's a lovely shot in the arm of sort of, what's the word, confidence that you need in your academic skills when you're a kid.

59:08By the way, dickhead, you're in Lois. Yeah, it's not okay. Put that pen down. Where's the crayons? Don't touch them scissors. You look at yourself. It's really bad.

59:18Rosie Ramsey:Didn't really realise it at the time. So you don't have that now? I don't think so. Right. I'll have to ask. So there was Lois, there was Uphaz in yours. Yeah. How was it extended? Is that higher? Oh, it's higher than the highest. Oh, is it now? Good for you. It's the top of the shop. All right, nice. It's, you know, there's business class, there's first class, and there's... Yeah, bet all the girls fancied you. No, none of them. Clever clogged. None of them. I'd already firmly established my personality by year 10. Good. So, the lower boys used to just lock this French teacher in the cupboard all the time.

59:53Rosie Ramsey:And you know when you just think, what the fuck, well, you should not be here. So that's an English teacher who taught French, not a French teacher. No, she wasn't French. She just talked French. Just in case you thought it was a kind of racist attack. No, and then some teachers, one of them used to just, he was known for it. There was loads of stains on his back wall and he used to just do tea bags with a spoon and just hide them in people's heads. Wow. Say I respect him more than the one who got locked in the cupboard. Yeah, but I just don't think you should have been working with kids. How do you walk, no, I'm sorry, how do you walk into the staff room with your head held high when another teacher has had to let you out of the cupboard for the fourth or fifth time that week?

1:00:28I know.

1:00:28Rosie Ramsey:It's not good, is it? It's really not good. back to our story yes one time at the end of a lesson she told us that we had a really exciting visit at coming to our class in a month and we should all be on our best behaviour or she would cancel their visit how exciting this is better than a dog in the yard all of us 13 slash 14 year olds were buzzing and trying to find out who the mystery guest could be I already know what it is what? I know what it is I want to have guests later on but I want to know what it is and every single lesson of hers we went to she would remind us that the guest was coming soon and she even did a countdown for the guests arrival so the day arrived and we all get to the class with nervous energy wondering who will be visiting year nine set one history and how famous they set one and how famous are they she arrives in class and announces that the guest has just arrived and she's going to collect them who do you think it is then she comes back dressed as someone from history i'm all right she comes back in the room and she's dressed as a fucking Catherine Cookson or a Roman fucking a Roman thing or Cleopatra something and she comes in dressed as a person and everyone's rightly everyone is rightly fucking livid listen a few moments later the teacher arrives back in wearing a Burger King crown

1:01:48zero effort zero effort it's Queen Elizabeth or Queen Victoria

1:01:53Rosie Ramsey:announcing hello everyone I am King Henry the East oh my god the whole class erupted in laughter and she carried on saying stop this laughter and I will have you executed until she couldn't take it anymore took the crown off and told us we all had attention.

1:02:30Rosie Ramsey:Oh, no. I don't think she was well. I don't think she was well. My initial thing was, my initial thought was some tosser from some local reenactment society or an Amdram person's going to come in as Henry the Eighth thought, a Roman, fair enough. Special visit there. Herself that she's built up with a Burger King crown on. So what I think's happened, okay, this is just coming to my brain now. I think she's got a Burger King. Right, someone's birthday or something, or she's got a crown given to her and she thought, do you know what it is? Year nine. They're doing to do about Henry VIII. I'm going to dress up and I've got this crown.

1:03:11Rosie Ramsey:And I think she's just built it up so much in her head and she's got them excited and just thought, I'm going to go and get them from the foyer. They're coming now. Fucking hell. And it's, yeah. That, that, hey hey

1:03:27Rosie Ramsey:lovely that fucking fair play to everyone involved in that story because she was trying to put a bit of effort in she was trying to make it different for the kids she was really trying but she misfired she misfired she failed hugely but she tried and you know that's a teacher you're trying new things you know you're trying to inspire them you're trying to connect with them I think she's had a final warning and she's been in with the head teacher and they said listen you need to up your game you need to such and such in whatever geography they dress up you know when I was at school I had the Greek day when we all wore the togas and that and made Greek food and that was really and I remember that I don't remember anything else but I remember that Robin did it in his school recently and he probably I actually emailed his teacher and I was like this is the first time he's ever told us about his day so I just suggest that you make food in class more often because he's loved it anyway that's what she's trying to do and it's failed and I think she's been sacked after this rightfully so because these children they deserve better although they'll always remember actually they remember henry the eighth yeah yeah yeah you know yeah i bet every single time they go to burger king they tell whoever they're with that story everyone in that class just give them a memory for like thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of shag round and noise thank you very very much as always if you like to get in touch at shagged married annoyed at gmail.com send well literally anything you like if things we've said things we've done recently our stories that have come up recently have sparked off little memories send it in like i've just said to you when we weren't recording there the beauty is when people get reminded of stuff and send it we can't thank you enough for all of the stuff you send in and have sent in over the years to this podcast it just makes it that extra bit special so thank you so i've had a laugh now to do that's made me i feel good you've been sitting the comedian most of the time with some letter from some fucking idiot brilliant that's good yeah excellent I'm joking my show my two extra dates Saturday the 14th all about me Saturday the 14th of March 26th at Manchester and Thursday the 26th the 3rd 26th at Stockton and we'll be back in your ears and your disgusting little eyeballs next week bye bye

1:05:41Rosie Ramsey:close your eyes exhale feel your body relax and let go of whatever you're carrying today. Well, I'm letting go of the worry that I wouldn't get my new contacts in time for this class. I got them delivered free from 1-800-CONTACTS. Oh my gosh, they're so fast. And breathe. Oh, sorry. I almost couldn't breathe when I saw the discount they gave me on my first order. Oh, sorry. Namaste. Visit 1-800-CONTACTS.com today to save on your first order. 1-800-CONTACTS