The Fringe, a curse, and is there a Lavender Marriage on the cards?

21:41Rosie Ramsey:What? You know. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. This episode is brought to you by Nordstrom. For 125 years, Nordstrom has been part of your story. The stylist who found the perfect outfit for your big interview. The first pair of walking shoes for your one-year-old. The tomato soup you shared with your sister at the cafe. These are the moments that make Nordstrom, Nordstrom. Big or small, we're here for all of it. Celebrating 125 years with new moments still add. Discover it all in Nordstrom stores and at Nordstrom.com.

22:40This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans.

23:10Rosie Ramsey:Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. 20. 90. No, stop. Please stop.

23:19Rosie Ramsey:I've got a little bit of celebrity gossip for you. What? Because I know that you do not get the same algorithm as me, so you won't know this. Okay. But you know down south there's been a hosepipe ban. Yes. Right, because of the heat waves and all that kind of stuff. If you look more into it, I don't know, it's got something to do with the water companies, but we won't get into that on here. Anyway, certain newspapers have been flying drones over celebrities' houses and gardens to see if they've used hoses. And they're literally posting. And actually, I mean, but it's like this, like such and such house off Tawiyah or whatever.

23:58Rosie Ramsey:And like they've got a really green garden and the rest, everyone else is just like yellow. Oh, no way. And so they're just kind of like naming and shaming these people. Oh. With green. And you know when you're, I'm like slow news day, but also like, what the fuck? That's crazy. I mean, again. That would be you. I said it. That would be you. Yeah, I'd get caught. That's the kind of thing I'd get caught for. You would fully get caught. You'd have the greenest garden ever. I'd be like, it's just piss. It's just piss. I'd just do all my pisses in the garden. No, like that's, you know, it's like, again, I said it on Sunday brunch.

24:31I was on Sunday brunch every day. like everyone and the heatwave you guys I mean we always want a nice summer but the heatwave you guys down south about to put up with I've got nothing but sympathy for you just awful and yeah I fall on two sides of that because it's like there's a hosepipe ban you know there's a fucking hosepipe people need the water for their things but at the same time drones that's another level of fucking grass that's like literally grass but being a it's like again it's like COVID when people were grassing people up he's been to Sainsbury's twice today you're only allowed once his hour walk was 92 minutes he got really close to his neighbour

25:06Rosie Ramsey:over the fence yeah it's a bit ridiculous I saw him high five a postman like I just thought what but how slow news day sorry I just picked that up here by the way I didn't get told off a high five and a postman during Covid it just seemed too specific yeah that's true but yeah listen I speaking of speaking of rain I we are going to our I don't know if you know this or not You follow her on Instagram, so you might know it, but it blew my fucking mind. What? We are going to our friend's wedding. Yes. At the beginning of next month. Is it going to rain? It's going to rain. It's scheduled to... It was.

25:43It was going to rain where the wedding is, where we're going at the beginning of next month for the wedding. But fear not, it's been sorted. The bride has been on Etsy. The witch. They paid a witch£5 to make it not rain in that area.

26:02Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, I've heard about this. What am I packing? Shorts and t-shirt, mate. Shorts and t-shirt. I've heard about this. Don't even, because you know I would do that shit. Yeah, there's a witch and she does a spell. There's loads of them. Absolutely loads of them. Brilliant. So she's paid a witch. She's paid for a witch to make it not rain. In the vein of that, I've just been on Etsy looking for your birthday present because when the next podcast comes out, you will be 40. Yes. A whole bitch! And I've just been looking for your present. What I'm going to do is, I've got the wall here, I'm going on Etsy, and I'm going to get you cursed.

26:39I'm going to curse you.

26:40Rosie Ramsey:Oh, no! On Etsy. No! Loads to choose from here. Curse your enemies hex spell. Extreme karma and revenge spell. Payback, regret, curse reversal. Photo proof. Curse your enemy, hex of torment. Karmic justice, revenge spell. You shouldn't mess with this stuff, you know. Honestly, this is... When the documentary comes out in years to come about our incredible cataclysmic downfall and how we went from, you know, dare I say it, earning a few quid to having no money whatsoever, it won't be gambling, it won't be drugs, it won't be drink. It'll be every single person who crosses me from now to my downfall, I'm going to spend money getting them hexed on Etsy.

27:19Rosie Ramsey:It's cheaper than what you wanted to do a few years ago. What was that? You wanted to buy a tank. Yeah. and drive along the streets, and anybody who undercut you or whatever, you just know you want to run them off the road with a tank. That's the billionaire plan. You just say that all the time. Yeah, that's the billionaire plan. That's for when I become a billionaire. Okay. You know, God willing. That's what I'm going to do, just run people off the road and just pay the bill. This, this is... I don't think anyone should be a billionaire. Yeah, great. I mean, that's a whole other thing altogether.

27:45But yes, so you can literally go on Etsy and buy Curses.

27:50Rosie Ramsey:Great. Same day, send them the name. don't even need the date of birth possibly a photo of the person you want to curse and the witch will curse them and that's that bring it on so yeah I've already got 10 really easy unbelievable yeah I'm gonna so curse the fuck out of you for your birthday Bon anniversary Bon anniversary

28:15it's time for What's Your Beep What's Your Beep

28:17Rosie Ramsey:What's Your Beep you caught me unaware as I wasn't ready oh I caught you unaware with that bit so you're saying you could have probably done with a countdown. No, no countdowns. Great. I've got beef. You say you don't have beef, but I've got beef. I don't think I do. Really? Just, we're all right. Like, there's nothing crazy. I mean, you're horrible at the kids. Yeah, but that's, you know. But that's just an ongoing. I'm not horrible at them. Oh, you're horrible at them. You talk horribly to them. And then you hate it when they're horrible to you. Yeah. And I'm like, they're just repeating the way you talk to them.

28:52They bring it on themselves.

28:53Rosie Ramsey:But then sometimes you're really nice to them. Like, you are a very good dad. They're very lucky to have you. Right, so the difference is here, and I talk about it in my stand-up, your thing is, you can shout at them and scream at them, but I'm not allowed to. You say it's awful when I do it. You should hear yourself when you're having a go at them. I know. Right? I'm a hypocrite. Yeah, so shut the fuck up. Right? You shut the fuck up. Whoa! Literally. You shut the fuck up. Don't you curse me. Curse early. Nah, I'm getting it early. I was going to wait for your birthday, but I'm going to get you now.

29:20Honestly. Just do a nice one.

29:22Rosie Ramsey:Oh, no, curse me. Curse me to, like, literally drop six stone. Oh, there it is. That's the curse I want. Extreme, extreme demonic curse. Right. £16.38. Reduced from£65. That's unbelievable. £65? Free UK delivery. What am I getting delivered? The curse? Curse your enemy's spell. I don't want to do it. I want a professional to do it. I don't want to talk about it anymore. This is really bad, bad karma. Don't do it. Don't curse us. No, so, right, I do. Right, yes, yes. I do have a go at them. But sometimes they just need to be told to shut the fuck up. I know. And I don't say shut the fuck up. I don't swear at them.

29:56Rosie Ramsey:It's just much more intense from a bloke. I don't mean to be like, is that sexist? I don't know. But it just is. And I just, when you talk to them like that, I'm like, me babies. Yeah. But then when I'm like, get out of this desk now. Exactly. To me, that's fine. Disgusting, filthy hypocrisy. And honestly, two curses. You're getting two curses. Leave me alone. Oh, no. The curse of loneliness. There we go. We'll get you one of them. So, my beef with you is, and it's just a little one. I don't even remember this, right? You were, the other day, trying a load of stuff on in your dressing room, as is, yeah, it seems to be the only thing you do these days.

30:32I go to your dressing room. Right, I'm... What?

30:36Rosie Ramsey:I need outfits for work. So do I. Just put this on, do you? All right, sorry. I'm a woman, and I have hormones, and every month, my weight goes up and down, and sometimes I'm not happy with the way I look. So I spend a little bit longer, choosing what I'm going to wear so that when I'm on the television, I don't want to die when I see myself on telly because I'm a size 14. This is me size forever. I'm not going to lose weight because I love food. I love wine. I can maintain this weight by going in the gym like four times a week. That's all I've got time for and sometimes eating healthy, but also I like to binge on a weekend and this is just how I'm going to be.

31:13Rosie Ramsey:So if I take longer, I think I didn't mean to get as angry as I have. Again, you got angry. We didn't keep it light. All I'm saying is, right. This is the size I am. And I'm happy to be this size because every fucker else is shrinking around us. And I'm like, are we not allowed to be bigger than a size 10 anymore? Like, no, it's wild. Anyway, that's a whole other conversation. Great. So I came in your dressing room the other day. You shouted at me. You shouted at me. You said, Chris, come here. and I came to look at something you were trying on. I don't know if you remember this, but you went, I'll do this with it.

31:51And I went, yeah, yeah. I went, lovely, aye. And I stood there for literally a couple of seconds and you went, wait, what do you want? And I went, are you taking the piss? You asked me to come in here. And you went, oh yeah, I did. Sorry. How can you get out? Don't remember. You did. Okay, sorry. You asked us to come in. You asked us what you looked like and then you immediately forgot that conversation. I went, why are you here? What do you want? And I was like, you just asked me to come in. Then you left. me just leave so sorry were you upset

32:19Rosie Ramsey:it's just a bit sorry do you want would you like a compliment yes would you like me say something nice feels like a trap but okay so you we've got an ensuite bathroom in our bedroom that you use that you get ready for that's what I do in my poos the other no you get ready there and you get your clothes on and stuff and it's the other day when you were out I went in there for something and I could smell you and I went oh and it smelled really nice and I thought that's nice so what? it's just the time to tell you that I'd never go out I'd just hide in there I was in there don't hide in there because that's my worst fear my worst fear sometimes do you know I check everywhere I check under my bed before I go to sleep I check all the cupboards everything and then sometimes it's almost like you shouldn't exclusively consume media about murders and killers and rapists it's almost like it's almost like constantly listening to and watching things about murders and killers and the worst possible depraved things humans can do to each other has a long-term effect on your mental health and makes you not comfortable in your own house.

33:22It's almost like that.

33:24Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, no, I would agree. But sometimes I do it and I think, what if there was someone here? I've normally got a glass of water in my hand and my phone torch and then something else. And I'm like, if there is someone in there, then what are they going to? But then I think, well, I'm ready. Sort of. I'm getting a cold, you know. Yeah. Mm-hmm. It's a sad curse. I cursed you with a cold curse yesterday. Is it working? Yeah. This is amazing. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. As always, if you'd like to get in touch, it is shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com. That's if you want to send a long-form email.

34:09If you would like to send a voice note, It is 078744. No, no. It's 07874406650. That's 07874406650. Thank you, Ned fans.

34:21Rosie Ramsey:I've got such an itchy nose. And also, when I was at the Fringe, like... Do you know you're ill because of the Fringe? Like, every time I did the Fringe, I would get ill. Because it's like people from literally all over the world fill in unventilated rooms and... Yeah, I know. It's like going... Like, a laugh is basically a cough. it's like going into a room and just coughing all over each other it's fine it is what it is like you know anyway I kept sniffing all the time because I've got like a nervous sniff but everyone just thinks I'm on cocaine yeah it's awful yeah I could see people like looking at my eyes and I'm like I've never very unfair because we all know that you put your cocaine up your bum as well so she wouldn't bother putting it around straight in my eyeball eyeball pole eyeball pole I've never took cocaine in my life but I sound like I have you can't have it up your bum can you yeah there's a famous story of someone I want to say Pete Doherty but it might not have been Pete Doherty so don't quote us on this but someone a rock and roll drug guy was so out of it and had a gig and the manager went and found them and it was like he's on stage in 20 minutes and he was like like off downers so he blew cocaine up his arse with a straw to bring him back did it work?

35:30apparently so

35:31Rosie Ramsey:I'd rather probably take it up my bum than up my nose just clip that up clip that audio there I can't like honestly is it I mean I'm listen if you take cocaine and you enjoy it then I'm sorry and I'm gonna cause offence but I couldn't think of anything worse than sniffing something up my nose I don't get it I know what you mean like when you're in the swimming pool or when you laugh and water goes up your nose horrible proper pain not nice yeah I know exactly what you mean I don't get it personally but obviously the effects of it I would like to so we were talking about this at the fringe well you know you read the fringe just been in the fringe so I've never took like hard drugs oh wasn't at the fringe I was talking about this this is with my other mates this is with my teacher mates oh this is the night out you had before you went to the fringe yeah just the day before you've had a good run yeah I'm joking I was just saying I would like before I die I would like to try drugs okay like in a room being monitored by like a nurse I would like to just try all the hot drugs Bonnie I would like to I would like to just see what it feels like what a night out I know but in my you know can I not be there because it sounds horrible sounds like the most clinical the most clinical sort of drugs it's a clinical drugs trial is essentially what you want to do okay then I would like that's what I'd like to do great okay then here we go yeah I'll sort that out for you listen dear Rose and Chris I've just listened to the episode where you spoke about the man who was having a wank with his reading glasses on I don't even remember that neither do I isn't that terrible this reminded me of our ongoing debate within our mates like within the friendship group about my husband half a memory here I'm sure he got it on the lenses of his glasses if I remember rightly.

37:08I'm sure it hit his face if I remember rightly.

37:10Rosie Ramsey:I don't remember, but anyway. Well played if it did. I once, good distance. I once similarly woke up in the night to walk into the lounge to find my husband having a wank in complete darkness. Good grief. No phone, no laptop. Old school memories. All lights off, just him sitting in his chair at his desk in the dark. Now again, no issue with wanking, but I felt this was psychopath vibes. In the dark. yeah it's now gone to vote with our mates if this is weird behaviour or not straight to the mates office poll vibes interesting to get your vote what we're thinking what why the lounge go to the toilet why are you in the lounge in his defence right do you know when you pay like a mortgage yeah and like they're really expensive I'll pay the mortgage I'll just be able to wank in every room in this house yeah well you should you should be able to wank in his lounge but that's a communal space so what are you doing in the lounge?

38:06Have you not got a toilet? Have you not got a bathroom? Have you not got a spare bedroom? All right, check me privileges, spare bedroom, but... But also,

38:12Rosie Ramsey:have you just never got any time alone? I sometimes think... But if he's just sitting, like, personally, if he's just sitting in the... He's at his desk, but he hasn't got his computer on. He hasn't got surround sound porn or anything. If he's just... A toilet is essentially a seat, and you've got a lock on that door. Yeah. Go to the toilet and sit on the edge of the bath. What the hell are you doing? Are you doing the family lounge in the middle of the night in the dark for you? But also, like, skills. Like, just memory. He'd been there for years, man. He'd been there for hours. He'd be knackered the next day.

38:40I know.

38:41Rosie Ramsey:I think in this day and age. You know? Yeah, but fair play to him. Yeah, I mean, I'm not judging him, but... I don't find it to be psychopathic. I just find go to the toilet. I wouldn't have went in the room if I heard you through the door. Well, how much noise is he making? It's quite a quiet thing. Unless he's on the squeakiest chair ever and he's breathing like fucking Darth Vader. I mean, you'd think he'd have just put the telly on. Don't you think? Yeah, but then it's like, oh I came in and he was you know we weren't going to see facts like I don't know I don't know what to make of that yeah bit weird bit weird in the middle of the night eh when the mood got him might have a sexy dream okay fair enough babadoo babadoo babadoo this episode is brought to you by Nordstrom for 125 years Nordstrom has been part of your story the stylist who found the perfect outfit for your big interview the first pair of walking shoes for your one year old the tomato soup you shared with your sister at the cafe These are the moments that make Nordstrom, Nordstrom.

39:37Big or small, we're here for all of it. Celebrating 125 years with new moments still add. Discover it all in Nordstrom stores and at Nordstrom.com. The perfect lunch combo. That first bite of your favorite sub followed by ice cold Pepsi. Add a couple of friends and now that's next level. Suddenly, the laughs get louder, the stories keep flowing, and the food tastes better. Because Pepsi brings out more flavor, more fun, and more of the moment. Food deserves Pepsi. Grab a Pepsi Zero Sugar today. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work?

40:21It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans.

40:44Rosie Ramsey:Hi, Kirsten and Rosie. This is Claire from Ireland. This is one of those things I learned in my 30s so basically I went on a family holiday when I was five years of age and there was this girl who had a rash on her arms and legs and she told me she was allergic to comfort I often thought about her kind of thinking you know when you get into bed at night how you can't be comfortable or sitting back on a chair or couch or watching tv and not being able to be comfortable I really felt for this five year old so today I was putting my clothes in the wash and I was putting in the fabric softener when I realised it was the fabric softener that she was allergic to that's yes I'm 36 and just realised that today I love that so much that is so good that's insane that is so funny that's insane she thought she thought that this girl she met was allergic to the concept of being comfortable.

41:51So she'd literally go, oh, sit down and watch this film. Oh, I could nod off. Oh no, I'm coming up to Russia.

41:57Rosie Ramsey:Tell you what, if you're going to hex someone or curse them, curse them with the inability to ever be comfortable. Any of the witches are listening, add that to your repertoire. That would kill me off. I sometimes feel like someone's got me with that one. I sometimes can't get comfortable at all. God, I love being comfortable, mate. I love being comfortable with me that's a t-shirt that's a big jumper big jumper with I love being comfortable with me written on the front just get me comfortable get me comfy I'm quite good at getting comfy what a great is that on your CV? I just yeah I think I'm quite I think it's because I'm little you know what I mean if I my legs I can like bring my legs in for now I think you're just a lazy fucker what's that got to do?

42:41you're just you're happy to be you're happy to be comfortable anyway is my point.

42:45Rosie Ramsey:I'm not a lazy fucker. No, but you're like a lounge. No, no. Roll the tape back. Tape? Roll, roll the... No, no, I'll say it again. You're a lazy fucker. You don't like me. I'm not a lazy fucker. Because when you're down... I'm here. I've got a job. Yeah, but when you're chilling, when you're down, you won't get up for anything. Like, you know, you do love to be sedentary once you're down. And my point is, you, I think, I just think you really enjoy, you know, which is fine. Being slobbish and sedentary and lying there. Yeah. But I think you enjoyed so much that you might not be as comfortable as you think, but you're like, well, it's better than standing up.

43:22Rosie Ramsey:Well, I know. But then this brings us to another really sad story. Oh, God. Of the fringe. Why did you do this? The fringe again. I was just surrounded by people who don't have children. And I was talking to Stevie Martin, my friend, from Stevie Martin from Taskmaster. So lovely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she was like, what are you doing for your birthday? And I was like, oh. I said to Chris, I was like, I want to go for lunch. We're going for dinner at a lovely restaurant. where we live and I want to have wine with my lunch I want to come back home I want because I love being around my family but I want to sit and watch a film and eat crisps and drink wine I don't actually want anything to do with them but I want them just to be around so I can hear them playing and they can come in and give us a hug and stuff but also leave us alone I don't want to do bedtime and I just want to sit and slob out for the rest of the day and I was like that's what I want to do for my 40th birthday and I felt like a face went really kind of like still she just sort of looked at me and she was like that's like my day every day yeah and I thought no it is so she every day no not every day because she's got jobs but she's living your birthday she could if she wanted to I just wanted you basically you would describe any day off that she has yeah it's like Sunday wow I know I could have vomited that's the thing though like I get jealous when you have children you just you don't you're like yeah you sit down for an hour and you think oh my god I'm so disgusted and I'm a slob yeah I never I used to get out of bed on a Saturday.

44:43Rosie Ramsey:I would just stay in bed all day and I would go have a bath and I'd get back into bed. Nice. And I would never, I had no judgment for myself at all. Yeah. Do you remember? Pondy with no man, you've got stuff to do. We used to have sex a lot. Do you remember? We used to just lie in bed all day, have sex like whenever we wanted to and now. I do remember and that's, that's when I'm having my wanks in the dark, that is what I remember. I think it'll come back. Yeah. I think no, because once the kids, like once the kids can like, get themselves completely ready. Yeah. And like, maybe drive a car and shit and like, you just don't have to do stuff.

45:18Rosie Ramsey:I think me and you will go, we'll stay in bed all day and we'll just have sex and stuff. Great. Can't wait. Are you excited? I'm very excited. Okay, let's not split up before then because it's coming. Let's have a couple of days of it at least before we split up. Yeah. No, it's coming. Oh, okay. It's all coming back. It's coming. You'll be coming. Great, great work. Thank you. Great. Tell you being the fringe while that art's rubbing off on you. to Chris and Rosie something devastatingly embarrassing just happened to me and I knew I had to immediately let you know love these ones I've been a long time listener of the pod and I think this incident will be right up your street so I've just done my weekly shop people who can do weekly shop so jealous I'm at the fucking shops every day well that's because we used to do a weekly shop no I still have to go and get something that's ran out or something I forgot every single time and then spurious irritating things run out like dishwasher the dishwasher's like oh I need salt and I'm like well it's oh like I ran out of garlic granules the other day and I was like I can't I can't just get them people who are just like I go and do the weekly shop I get these things in and then I just you're so fucking organised and I'm so jealous so jealous so do they never pop to the shop or anything else listen this might just be our big shop can you chill out I'm so jealous Jesus it's just level of level of organisation and and a handle on your life that I would love to have.

46:43Rosie Ramsey:Well, it's the shop that is notoriously known for scanning really quickly. Okay. Now, like all supermarkets, there's that stressful moment when the speed of your packing doesn't match the speed of their scanning. She's too slow. She's going for it, yeah. I'm terrible at packing bags. I'm amazing at packing bags. I know you are. And I don't big myself up about many things, but I'm telling you right now, in a previous life, I've been a professional backpacker. I think so. have literally been a football coach in a previous life. Putting stuff away. For all of the kids' teams, local kids' teams. Putting all the stuff away.

47:17Rosie Ramsey:All of the stuff away in Supermarket. I think you've had so much practice. And I think back in the day, the quick save or the press doors would have given you a medal. Do you know what? That shit you said earlier on about going in a room and smelling us, that's not a compliment. What you've just said there, that's a compliment. You're welcome. Thank you. I hate myself. Back in the day, Supermarket would have given me a medal for how good I am. Can I tell you right now? That's one of the best things I've ever heard. Ick, right? Ick to myself. When I'm packing me bags, I always say at the cashier, oh, my husband's so much better than me.

47:48Rosie Ramsey:Because I'm like embarrassed. And I have to tell them that actually I do, like I don't normally do this. Just give you a quick tip. Quick tip, anyone listening. Get your bag. Put your pizzas, your pizzas on first. Put your pizzas first. Pizzas and heavy things first. I go heavy things. Not just heavy things. You need your pizzas on first. It's scaffolding for the bag. Hold the bag open. put your pizza there. No, no, down the side. So your bag's there and your pizza's down the side and it keeps the bag rigid. It gives you basically your base to put everything else on. Then you can put sort of bananas, fruit and stuff at the bottom.

48:20Then you can put lighter things on the top of that. Then even if you've got enough space, loaf of bread on the top, put that in next one.

48:25Rosie Ramsey:I do all my fruit and veg in the same bag. Okay. You can do that if you want. It's okay. It's okay. Don't get us wrong. I would never put like, I would never put dishwasher salt in with the fruit and veg. That's madness. Why would I do that? I'll put that in with sort of for your deodorants, yeah, you know, your other things, maybe a pair of socks I might have got or some F &F underpants which I'm a big fan of. You know, but you need scaffolding for your bag. That's what you need. Thank you. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. Great, are you done? Yes, and could I also just say as well, being told I was the best packer in the world, which is, I'm sure you said something like that, universe, I think you said universe.

48:57Also, that's up there with when the guy came out to serve as the hot tub and he said that it's one of the cleanest residential hot tubs he's ever seen. Most well-maintained residential hot tubs he's ever seen.

49:12Rosie Ramsey:I'm buzzing with that because that's... Very proud of myself. Oh, she'll go in later. Yes. God, I love how hot. Yes. So much. Best thing I've ever bought. Come on. Golf seems a bit better, but fair enough. No, never. Listen, I found this particularly stressful in this certain supermarket. I'm not sure whether it's just my local store, but this section after the scanning, the section after the scanning is really small, so you definitely need to pack it like these feet. Bottlenecks. There's nothing worse than when they all go all the way up the little hill thing and then they're just waiting and going, you need to pack these faster.

49:42So I'm throwing them across the top of the other ones. But then you can't win

49:45Rosie Ramsey:because sometimes you get a really slow scanner. I love a slow scanner. Oh, I don't. I'm literally like... Because I can't properly plan it. Come on. No. Listen. So today, there I was, frantically grabbing items as the kind young man speedily scanned more through. In my haste, I just kept grabbing stuff and shoving it into my bag rather than actually looking at what I was doing. No scaffolding. Oh God. When I grabbed something that... She's crushed up red. She's crushed up red. When I grabbed something that didn't feel right. Hmm. Glancing up, I realised I had grabbed... Yes, you guessed it. No.

50:18Rosie Ramsey:This poor young man's hand. Oh God. Oh God. Imagine. Oh, that's fucking awful. You be the scanner. Yeah. This is more for YouTube. Done. Oh. You're coming home with me. How much are you? Do you come with the shopping? Oh, that's so upsetting. I know. Grabbed his hand. She apologised and then she left, yeah. Bless you. I know. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I'm one of four siblings and we recently had a family get-together. Nice. My sister was late to join us and turned up without her husband. When she arrived, we obviously asked where Daniel, not his real name, was. Sorry, I'm late, you said... Where did they say that, Daniel, then?

51:04Rosie Ramsey:It's not his real name. We're just using it. I'm joking. Sorry I'm late. You said Daniel was mugged last night. Whoa. We all looked at her open mouthed. How awful. I know she said, looking at us deadpan. Ick. Oh my God. No way. No fucking way. We all immediately creased up laughing because we were all thinking the same thing. Don't worry. Bunch of bastards. Don't worry. He's fine, she explained. Someone snatched his phone out of his hands. It was unlocked, so they've managed to get into his banking and emails and locked him out of everything. He's at home trying to sort it all out. I do really feel sorry for him, but seriously, what an ick.

51:45That's absolutely...

51:46Rosie Ramsey:Honestly, guys, you're fucked. You're fucked. You can't even get mugged without it being your fault when you're a boy. So, victim of a crime, locked out of his entire life and somehow also slightly less attractive to his wife. Careful out there, mugging. Careful out there, lads. Mugging equals big ick. oh it doesn't I'd be gusted if you got mugged one of the worst cases of victim blaming I've ever heard that is so uncool it is funny I think again again there's logic to it I understand I think it's for women yeah yeah yeah we hardly understand I understand it sadly they've got a point which is it's awful oh you got mugged

52:26Rosie Ramsey:brilliant oh brilliant babadoo babadoo babadoo back dear Chris and Rosie I've been listening to the podcast since the start of the year and I've been loving listening so I thought I'd write in thank you very much I don't think we ever say it thank you to new listeners we can't thank you they've also normally always all of our letters, all of our emails have got that on, I just don't we don't read that bit, well thank you it's amazing that people are still discovering this I said that just today, I was like I can't believe we're still getting emails like what are the F and new listeners, it's amazing, thank you we'll love it This happened a while ago, but I thought you'd enjoy it.

53:03Rosie Ramsey:You and Chris have spoke about how you grew up working class and now are middle class, which is weird. Yeah, I suppose annoyingly we are. In there, I don't think it ever leaves you. Do you know why I still have? We live differently. Have I talked about this on the podcast? Who was I talking about this the other day? Who was I talking to? Oh, it was Carl, me and Carl. So Carl started to get like, when he's like plodding around Gosforth when he's just doing his day-to-day life, he's starting to get like recognised and stuff. Oh, okay. he's doing the city hall in newcastle on the next leg of his tour like he's obviously supporting me on my tour which goes out again in september thank you everyone starts the 10th of september see you there and uh we have moments and even i have them where someone's looking at you like a bloke is looking at you and the immediate reaction is fuck's that prick like that and i go oh and carl has them as well someone came up when he was like oh fucking hell what's this and they're like are you carl and he was like oh yeah sorry he's like ready to fucking deck them like yeah but at At some point in the future, you'll have been recognisable longer than you haven't been.

54:05In January, January 17th next year, it'll be 20 years since I first got on stage. Sick. Ick.

54:14Rosie Ramsey:That's not an ick, that's amazing. January 17th. I think January 17th is my first ever gig. Well done. Yeah. Mad. All right. I wish you could give less of a fuck. Okay, carry on. I said well done. Oh, Jesus Christ. I said well done. I'm joking, I'm joking. That's so, oh my God. That's better. That's better. I don't know what you want. Um, fireworks. You want, you shouldn't have married me. I am not happy enough for you. Maybe a little dance. Maybe a cartwheel. A little backflip. I can't, I've never. Can I tell you right now? Learn to do a backflip and then whenever I tell you something I've achieved, just do a backflip on the spot.

54:48That's all I ask. Is that too, is that too much to ask of a marriage?

54:53Rosie Ramsey:Don't, because you're bringing up some trauma here. I could never cartwheel at school. No. Do you remember when all the girls used to cartwheel? I used to wear shorts under my skirt. I couldn't do a fucking cartwheel to save my life. They used to all do it against the wall. They used to go against the wall, remember? That's a handstand. Handstand against the wall, I couldn't do it. But I would still wear shorts under my skirt. Oh, that's what the shorts are for. So you don't show your niggers? Oh, right. So you're like, oh, I'm in the handstand gang, but I can't do them. But I could never, ever do it.

55:19Rosie Ramsey:And I used to try sometimes now. Were your shorts under your skirt just because you did regularly shake your pants at school? It was just catch the shit. we've got new listeners who won't have ever listened to that episode shush out pants and my mom phoning me niggas at the end of the day and this was she was she was 17 she was recently at jcsa's college and she shot her pants I wasn't but it was it was later on than what you're thinking yeah yeah do you no okay don't because it's bad so you still can't do a cartwheel no I can't do a cartwheel wow I haven't tried for a while I'm not even going to try now you'll break your ass it'll be awful shush can we get on with this?

55:58No.

56:01Rosie Ramsey:Which is so very similar to her, to my parents, who's wrote this. Grow up working class. So basically, you grow up without a bit of money and then you get a bit of money. But you still have the same values. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's fine. Yeah. A lot of comedians have done shows about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jason Manfred, muddle class. It's true. Yeah. It's true. Because even though you can afford it, I sometimes have a day out with the kids and I go, you fucking what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How much? I mean, I know I can afford it, but Jesus. Yeah, there's a difference between being affording something and letting someone, you know, take their piss out of you financially, but yeah.

56:38Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, but it never goes, that thing. Anyway, listen. However, my parents, particularly my dad, struggles with this. One evening, me and my sister were correcting my dad in telling him he can no longer identify as working class. He quickly replied saying, I'm working and I'm class.

56:59Rosie Ramsey:To which me and my sister pissed ourselves laughing. A couple of months later my dad stopped working and despite this proudly proclaiming well I'm still class. Brilliant. This was four years ago and since then we have purchased plenty of pine glasses with his iconic phrase across there. So for anyone in the south listening class is a Geordie word for brilliant. Yeah. Class that. That's class. Like pure class. Do you want to hear a Geordie joke? Yes. Yeah? Dear Chris and Rosie, what's the difference between a kangaroo... No, no. I've told you the end. I just know it. It's very famous. Okay. A kangaroo and a kangaroo.

57:39Yeah. One is an Australian marsupial and the other one is a Geordie trapped in a lift. Don't assume that I don't know every single Geordie joke. Come on, man. I was on Capital Breakfast recently. I've got the top score I beat Josh Riddlegum and John Bishop on Capital Breakfast doing their dad jokes finishing off their dad jokes

58:00Rosie Ramsey:aww yeah there's a leaderboard with as far as I know only our three names you know a lot of shit jokes thank you thank you babadoo babadoo babadoo hi guys um I went to the dentist yesterday when I was having my x-rays done the dentist who was quite an attractive man practically pressed himself up against the wall to avoid the radiation to be fair it was more the comparison of him leaving the room the other times but just awkwardly staying inside oh so he pressed them up against the wall this time so he used to leave do you know I've talked around they always leave they always leave the room yeah because the difference is one little jolt of it every time you get your teeth checked every six months is fine they're doing it four five six times a day so he's just pressed himself up against the wall but he's gone to the wall that's so weird so normally they leave but he just got quick

58:51Rosie Ramsey:she's basically just saying it was awful she doesn't fancy him anymore so he can't win even the dentists are getting grief do you know what I mean see a good looking dentist or a good looking doctor is always going to be quite a suave so like a good looking dentist good looking doctor good looking pilot do you know what I mean they're always going to be like you know what I mean I imagine I can see them if I could draw them I could draw them I'd be able to draw you the perfect one it's always like a bump but again even them even them there's still it's so easy to turn people off you do you want to hear something what just not my type really nah nah nah not my type I know what you mean too clever I just feel stupid yeah I know what you mean no disrespect because you are quite clever in a different sort of way I think I hire you but if I was married to a doctor or something I would just feel permanently stupid I know what you mean so I'm no like literally like are we still no have we talked about I don't want to spend my life like that what Have we talked about the fact that, this might not stay in.

59:49I don't think I've ever run this past year. Have we talked on here about the time that we went and looked at the house and we asked them, that was a really nice house, and we asked them what they did. The man and woman showed them around and went, we're both doctors. We're both doctors. And we quoted it for fucking years. We've said, guys, we still see it now. Such arsehole. What do you guys do?

1:00:08Rosie Ramsey:We're both doctors. We're both doctors. It was an aggressive tone. We're both doctors. Fuck you. we're both what are we we're both podcasters we should start saying it they could have went we're doctors we're both doctors yeah oh okay it was aggressive and that's that circles back to why you never ever really don't properly move from your class system yeah yeah yeah yeah because we it just made me feel like shit as if because in their defense right yeah they'd lived in this house forever it was a lovely beautiful house it was quite a big house yeah you know and we just came rocking up in with trainers and shit to look around to look around their house and i think they were like oh no no no no no like and then we should have went back with our bags and like being like big mistake huge mistake but we didn't but anyway we're back carrying and carrying another house carrying a different house big mistake but it's but like yep we're both doctors i know what you mean i know what you mean we did court that for a long time i love big love big love for the doctors out there though, you know, couldn't live without you.

1:01:15Rosie Ramsey:Oh my God, I love doctors, but. Just don't want to move in with one or marry one because you'd feel stupid. It's my own insecurities. Exactly. When I'm around really intelligent people, I feel like a piece of shit. Yeah. Do you not? You should. No, I do. I genuinely feel like a piece of shit. I know what you mean, but I don't, again, that's just you because I don't think intelligent people are deliberately trying to make you feel like shit. No, God, no. It's my own insecurities of being not very, like, intelligent, but that's fine. Worldly wise, aren't I, though? I know everything about the world.

1:01:44Rosie Ramsey:the common sense is bang on. Right, okay. Maybe. Yeah. Yeah. Well, with these curses kicking, we'll see how you do. Can't we? Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba!

1:02:00Rosie Ramsey:30, 29, 28, 26. Listen, thank you so much for listening and watching this week's episode of Shagged Married Annoyed. I love you. He just likes you as a friend. Wow. Because he's married to me. Keep your hands off, bitch. because as we've all worked out I'm clinically straight right there it is terminally straight terminally straight guys again just to reiterate what Rosie said thank you so so much for listening but don't take it for granted and thank you for watching if you are please subscribe on YouTube and subscribe on your podcast operator or shop or whatever you want to call it I get annoyed calling podcast shop it is quite irritating podcast app does that work that probably works that's probably the right way to say it listen I'm on to our next month 10th of September it starts I'm going all over the place there's still some tickets left for some of the venues.

1:02:44Hull, Derby, get your fucking arses in gear. I don't know.

1:02:49Rosie Ramsey:Oh, it's the same as last time. They don't like you there. Wow. There is literally a shrine in the local post office of We Hate Chris Ramsey. He's a dick. Why do you keep booking these places? This is in the post office, that's good. No, the thing is, right, there was an assembly rooms venue in Derby, which was a perfect size for me. It was like 1 ,500 to 2 ,000 or whatever. Too many. But it burned down. How dare you? It burned down. It burned down. I've sold it out before, probably burnt down and then I couldn't go to Derby and now there's a new Derby one but it's like a half arena it's like three and a half thousand seats and I've done around the air listen if you have any winning a Derby just come to that fucking gig please go by it please go to this gig it's going to be good because he'll have a breakdown and I'm too young and too pretty to be married to a man who's having a nervous breakdown well that's a very selfish way there we go guys thank you so much if you want to get in touch at shagmanoratgmail.com the whatsapp number I can't be honest getting my phone out but you can see it's in the things.

1:03:42And we'll be back in your ears next week and Rosie will be 40. Ah! Woo! She's got her tits up, but I'm probably going to edit it out of the video to be fair, so there we go. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, Give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans.

1:04:25Espolon Tequila. It arrives in a cloud of feathers with a cry to wake the dead.

1:04:31Rosie Ramsey:Espolon Tequila. Balanced, delicious, perfect for nights out, nights in, and people who like to drink tequila. Just add ice, lime, and your mouth. Then hold on time. 100 % agave, 0 % ego. Espolon tequila. For a real margarita, ride the rooster. Espolon tequila, 40 % alcohol by volume, 80 proof. Copyright 2026, Compel America, New York, New York. Drink responsibly. Cozy season is ahead, and you'll be spending way more time inside. Is your home ready? Don't worry. With Wayfair, you can upgrade your space without breaking the bank. Score up to 70 % off during their Labor Day clearance. on furniture, area rugs, mattresses, and more.

1:05:10Plus, surprise flash deals you can't miss. Whether it's one room or the whole house, Wayfair has pieces for every style and budget. Shop Wayfair's Labor Day clearance now through September 7th at Wayfair.com. Wayfair, every style, every home.