In short
The Great North Run in South Shields (watching, tracking runners, local celebrity Tommy Fury), plus family life chaos, a “prawn cocktail eye bath”/eye injury story, and a UK road crossings quiz.
Guests
None. The episode is hosted by Rosie Ramsey and her husband Christopher Ramsey, with their children (Robin and Rafe) appearing only as off-mic references.
Guest backgrounds
Not applicable (no guests).
Key claims
They’re debating signing up for next year’s Great North Run; sunglasses noticeably reduce recognition; the runner-tracking app lets them follow runners like “Ubers”; Great North Run day affects local life (camper vans, crowds, televised coverage). Rosie claims walking is better than running for weight loss and knee health.
Notable examples
Tracking multiple runners via bib numbers; people handing out beers/oranges; a man trying to get through crowds with four Tesco bags; Robin drinking “biscuit tea” and accidentally shouting “Dad’s cheating on you” while eating a sugar cube; the “UK crossings” quiz (pelican, zebra, puffin, toucan, pegasus; they joke about made-up crossings); Chris’s eye injury from breathing into an empty prawn cocktail crisp bag.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOReflections on the Great North Run
0:46 to 3:56
Chris and Rosie discuss their experiences and thoughts on the Great North Run.
“You know back to school is coming in fast.”
Running and Recognition
4:52 to 9:06
The couple shares anecdotes about recognition in public and their running experiences.
“My Kate did it a few years ago and we just had to stand there and wait for her.”
The Great North Run Experience
9:07 to 11:39
Discussion on how technology has changed tracking runners and their experiences.
“I've put on five stone pregnancies and I've managed to lose it.”
Post-Run Thoughts and Humor
11:40 to 14:00
Chris and Rosie reflect comically on the aftermath of the Great North Run and their personal running habits.
“And he looked at us and I was like, oh, so how have you been?”
The Great North Run Experience
14:00 to 15:00
Learn about the challenges and opinions regarding participating in the Great North Run.
“Maybe we're going to ferry in the car or something.”
Tommy Fury's Popularity During the Run
15:00 to 16:50
Discover the buzz around Tommy Fury during the Great North Run and its local significance.
“And I don't know whether it's just like, I think, Tommy Fury.”
Family Dynamics and Humorous Moments
16:50 to 17:50
Hear a funny story about their child Robin and his unexpected antics with sugar cubes.
“The sugar intake has been stressing me out just because it's been the holidays and stuff and you think, well, it's the holidays and blah, blah, blah.”
Robin's Tea Drinking Incident
17:50 to 22:40
Delve into a humorous recount of Robin drinking biscuit tea and the unexpected consequences.
“I always worry saying too much about the kids because I want them to have their own lives and stuff like that.”
Rosie's UK Crossing Quiz
22:40 to 23:04
Engage in a fun quiz about different types of UK crossings with comedic commentary.
Rosie's UK Crossing Quiz
24:16 to 28:00
Engage in a fun quiz about different types of UK crossings with comedic commentary.
“Guys listening at home, he's wrote some stuff on green bits of paper.”
Show all 26 chapters
Crossing Types and Their Descriptions
28:00 to 29:40
Explore various crossing types like zebra, pelican, and puffin while humorously debating their features.
“I literally can't believe this okay zebra crossing yeah pelican crossing yeah fucking the lion wow king I don't know right Wow, this is so anti-climax.”
The Quiz Challenge
29:40 to 32:20
Engage in a light-hearted quiz about crossings, revealing interesting facts and playful banter.
“You know when they've got smaller sinks in the toilets?”
Family Dynamics and Miscommunication
32:20 to 40:00
Discuss humorous miscommunications within the family, particularly focusing on misunderstandings and reactions.
“Yeah, he knew straight away, but he didn't know the real name of him.”
Navigating Family Events
40:00 to 42:00
Delve into the challenges and humor involved in family outings, particularly when interests collide.
“It's just because some things I don't enjoy, but I come anyway to be a family, and then you're like, so this is the bit.”
Babysitting at the Run
42:00 to 42:39
A humorous recount of watching kids while others participate in the run.
Eye Bag Mishap
42:40 to 44:32
A story about an embarrassing incident involving a prawn cocktail bag and an eye injury.
“We're too deep in parenting that my little eye problems in, I knew you'd take the piss.”
Eye Bag Mishap
44:34 to 45:28
A story about an embarrassing incident involving a prawn cocktail bag and an eye injury.
“each lasting four hours or more, can make me feel like a spectator in my own life.”
Listener Questions Begin
45:36 to 46:14
Introduction to listener questions and stories submitted to the podcast.
“Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bub.”
Garage Love Bites Story
46:14 to 49:24
A listener shares a funny and awkward story about being in a garage while friends engage in romance.
“whilst his friends gave each other love bites.”
Phone Box Nostalgia
49:24 to 50:32
Discussion about a listener's bizarre memory of an incident in a phone box.
“I just got tangled in my headphone wires.”
The Beautiful Man at the Till
50:32 to 56:00
A humorous account of an encounter with an attractive man at a store and the reactions it prompts.
“The most beautiful man you've ever seen.”
The Loyalty Card Incident
56:00 to 57:11
Discussion about a humorous encounter at a store involving a grown man asking his mother about a loyalty card.
“not not for me um but my point being right if i was this if i was randomly put into this guy's body and I was at the till and all the staff were hanging around, I would think they were going to nab us for nicking.”
Listener's Work Story
57:11 to 57:59
A listener shares an anonymous work story involving a veterinary case.
A Veterinary Mystery Unveiled
57:59 to 1:01:23
An intriguing case of a dog swallowing a pair of knickers, leading to a surprising revelation about the owners.
“And I think it could be a perfect Rosie's mystery.”
The Affair Exposed
1:01:23 to 1:01:49
The shocking twist reveals the male owner's affair through the dog's actions.
“Veterinary is full of weird and wonderful cases and this exact situation happens more often than you think.”
The Ethics of Cheating With a Dog
1:01:49 to 1:02:42
Discussion on the implications of taking a dog along while cheating, adding a humorous twist to the narrative.
“Or the secret partner who he's having an affair with has fed the dog the knickers.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Coming up on this week's episode of Shag Married and Oys. We watched the Great North Run. Oh yeah we did. And we talked extensively about it. It's a big part of our life and heritage. It is and we're signing up for next year. Right. No we're not, we're not. No maybe, maybe. I'm still at a maybe. I'm absolutely not. We'll see. Rosie plays a quiz for some very exciting prizes. It's awful. I would skip ahead. Yeah you loved it. She's got double beef this week. Yes, yes. You're very much getting on my tits. Yep, that's in the job description. You knew what you married. and Rosie is nearly hospitalized by a pattern of crisps.
0:33Oh, why do the things I love want to hurt us so much, Chris? Oh, I really don't know. It's including you. Great, I don't. I try not to. Just emotionally and mentally. And obviously we've got questions from the public. Enjoy. Bye. Hey, Chicago. Class it up with Crocs. You know back to school is coming in fast. So why wait to find your new fave footwear? Step into a local croc store and step into your new look. Try it. Style it. Make it yours. Because the right pair doesn't just show up. It shows off. First day fits, handled. Walk out ready for whatever's next. Visit your nearest croc store today.
1:17Legally, we can't say drinking storm makes you smarter and more focused. But with zero sugar, 200 milligrams of caffeine, and immunity support, You're smarter and more focused for drinking storm. Storm, good energy in, good energy out. Energy for life. Hello, you're listening to Shag Married Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to the show. Show, the show. The show. No, I've been listening to a lot of American podcasts recently and they don't have an introduction at all and it really freaks us out. They just start talking, don't they? They just start and it's half a conversation.
1:51and honestly I like I skip back I skip forward because you don't know if it's an ad or you don't know I don't like it I don't like that style are we like old school and uncool for having an intro I don't care I don't care I think you've got to keep something sacred in life I think you need some things to be crap panto like yeah yeah you've kind of fell the wrong way welcome to the show like I think you need stuff like that I think I like old school I know what you mean keep it it's fine it works I also think you need a bit you need a bit to differentiate between whatever fucking ad we've just done and us and us yeah and the chat yeah yeah yeah you've got a tiny little fly tiny little like fruit fly orbit in your head right probably thinks it's a little orange it's your granda it's your granda it's okay I tell you what he picked some odd things to be he's proud of us yeah he's here there he is he's come to see us at work proud of you he's here he's like get the bloody work Yeah, good.
2:52He's not aware of personal space. For our watchers on YouTube, Chris and I, we are not going to a funeral. We've just dressed really dull and depressing and the same. I'm still reeling because yesterday, you always tell me to be bolder and always tell me to wear bold colors. It should actually be me beef this week, but it's not. I've got another beef. But yesterday, we were going to the Great North Run and I put on me lilac jumper with a green logo and then some green shorts that match the lilac jumper and you literally went malicek on us like timmy mallet talk about old school you looked it was horrendous you it was the brightest i've ever seen your dress and and we're going to the great north run and i thought you might want to be inconspicuous yeah still yeah right mind yeah tell you what right this is i always hate kind of talking about the fact that people recognize we're and stuff now but it is that's the crap it's just part of the life yeah yeah like you know we are we've been on the telly we do this people know who we are which is great because that means people listen to his stuff anyway I feel like a dick saying it right I know what you mean I tell you what the power of sunglasses yeah yesterday I had my sunglasses on when we were watching the run no one knew nobody a couple of people recognised me right right the minute I took them bad lads off so many people recognised us and I felt like Clark Flippin Kent like I didn't think that sunglasses did that like disguise people that much?
4:17Well, it wasn't sunny. So it just looked like chirps. So it was bright. There's a couple of things. It was bright-ish but it wasn't sunny-sunny so A, I think they give a bit of a F off vibe. Do you know what I mean? And also, it's when I lock eyes with someone they'll go, are you alright? And I go, oh yeah, you alright? I'm normally like, I'm not like, I think it's a voice. I'm just always in my own little world. So when I lock eyes with someone I'm like, oh yeah, hi, are you alright? But when you've got your sunglasses on you never lock eyes with anyone so I think it could be that well done to everybody who did the run yesterday by the way absolutely class love that hitting our hometown I'm still my mind is still blown by the fact that there was an app and you could track all of the runners coming like Ubers yeah it was mint it was so bang on as well it was mental yeah and I was like how how apparently it's like a little potato chip a computer chip in the little paper number thing but so hang on though it blew me mind I think it's only been the past sort of like three or four years that we've known people doing it yeah I think before that I never knew anyone doing it I was just there watching right does that make sense okay really I don't think I ever did it's become a lot more sort of accessible loads of people are doing it now I think is the point yeah I had like eight people I was tracking but back in the day did you just stand there and have to just well you would just be like or would you tell the person where you were going to be you would probably tell them what side of the road you were going to be but then you'd probably just have to stand there and think well I hope yeah it must have been you had to stand there all day to try and see a relative or a friend.
5:43My Kate did it a few years ago and we just had to stand there and wait for her. Awful. And then thankfully she came past. Awful. But yeah. Well done everyone. I want to do it next year. Of course you will. I do it every year. Absolutely full of shit. Every year I want to do it. Absolutely full of shit. The thing is I could lock you in to do it. Have we talked about on here about when I went on Chris Evans' radio show and him and Steve Cram locked us in? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lock us in to do it. I've got something else as well. Yeah. I put a story on my Instagram yesterday And then I realized they messaged me in 2020 offering us a spot.
6:14Right. And I never saw it. Oh, 2020. The lockdown great lockdown. Where you had to just walk out of your house, set the app on and keep running until it told you you'd done 13 mile in any random fucking direction. Oh, class. That must have been lovely. Oh, no. I was speaking to someone yesterday who said they had to do that. They went out, put it on the phone. And he said he had like a route that he ran, which was like a couple of mile. And he just had to run it like fucking eight times. Did everyone do it on the same day? Yeah, everyone had to go out and do it at the same time. Just random people running around the streets.
6:39Sad. Oh, God. It was awful. I would love to, but I've never ran further than five miles. I get far too bored. I get so bored. And do you know what I do? Because I'm stupid. I get bored. And say I put on the treadmill, say I'm like, oh, I'm going to do a three-mile run or something. I haven't done the treadmill for ages because of jiu-jitsu. I just do that now. But say I put three miles on the treadmill and I go, oh, it's taking a while. Oh, if I run faster, I'll be done quicker. And then I'm dying. And then I can't even finish. And when I'm out, I know for a fact, if I did the Great North Run and I was out and someone was like, hey, Chris, go on.
7:10and I'd be like, yeah, and I'd like speed up buzzing. There was someone with a fucking drum near us yesterday, banging a drum for ages. Quite a fast pace. If I ran past that drum, I would speed up again. You'd speed up and then you'd be stuck. No, I don't know. We'll see. We'll see. But then I know loads of people who did it yesterday who are in agony today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm a bit like... Yeah, horrible. I don't know. Tell you what as well, big shout. Massive, massive respect to the people who, when the roads were opening, were still walking and doing it. Oh, yeah. Like, you've done it no matter...
7:38I've got so much respect for them people. I was going to get the car and they'd open the roads and there was people walking along the pavement with their numbers on and I was like, you're fucking legends. Because it'd be so easy to go, I'll live down there. I'll just fuck it off. But they literally did it. I mean, if I did it, there's a lot of people's houses I'd run past. I'd be like, oh, fucking fuck this. I'm sure you can get medals on eBay. No, because you know, someone would be waiting at the other end for us. We'll do an interview for our babies for E-Dews. I'd be like, no, God, no. Oh, yeah.
8:05You're all right? I'm at me, Nana. Sorry. I could not think of anything worse than an interview after a 13 mile run. Chris, how was that? Horrible. Nah, absolutely not. And I know for a fact that me Nana would literally be like, don't you, you sit down. Don't even finish it. Don't bother. Don't bother. Look at you. What do you want? You've done most of it. You've done most of it. Bacon sarny, please. Oh God. Listen, guys, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for listening. Again, obviously, if you did the Great North Run or any kind of run yesterday, congratulations. If you're just running in general, well bloody done.
8:41Go on, you. I tell you what. Right? I don't really run anymore. I love walking, mate. All right, just shut on everything I said. Walk in there. No, all right, run if you want, but it's actually really bad for your knees. It's really bad for your knees. Just walk. If you're thinking about getting out and want to lose some weight. I'm sure that's what people are in agony of the Great North Run this week. I'm sure they want to hear you saying that now. Just, you know, they're a week out. Their legs are still hurting a bit. Bad for your knees. Oh, I wish I'd listened to her the whole time. All right, then.
9:02Well, this is just for people who need a little bit of motivation to try and lose some weight. Because I'm not being funny. I've put on five stone pregnancies and I've managed to lose it. It's really, really hard. Walking. Just get out and walk. Just do a 20-minute walk and it's better than nothing. And then 20 minutes, do a half an hour and then work your way up. And walking is unbelievable for you. If you don't do anything else, just walk. Well, there we go. Just walk. Hashtag just walk. What is this fucking podcast? I didn't know. Guys, it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor.
9:38And this week's sponsor ties right in with what we've been saying. This week's sponsor is asking people, hey, are you not doing the run this year while they're watching the fucking run? Are you stupid? Honestly, I apologize here, but fifth person who asked us, I lost my temper. Fifth person who asked us, I lost my temper. he went he went alright it was a lad I grew up with it was the lad who Andrew who when I was younger who I saw a photo in my house when I was younger he saw a photo of me as I was a baby and he said who was that and I said it was my brother but he died it was a lie but it was him it was you who said that I thought it was him who said that no I said that to him I said that to him so he was like right oh I'm sorry can I apologise to him because I totally got that alright I've got to apologise to him as well you apologise first wow we were no one day he fucked off after a while I was standing and watching the race with us he said that and in my mind I went oh you're fucking really weird because you said that your brother was dead but it was you that was me yeah yeah yeah he said who's that little boy in the photo and I said oh it's my brother but he died and it wasn't it was me I was lying right if we rewind you're fucking mental no I'm not yeah that's what I said I thought it was I didn't know that it was you who said that oh could this just be another case of you not fucking listening when I say stuff apparently so there is why have I mad what's wrong with you yeah it's mad Oh, God.
11:01Welcome to hell, bitch! But I've married you. I've spent the rest of my life. I was only four or something, man. It was just a four-year-old lie. Well, yeah. When I was about six or seven, I went horse riding with my sister. And the woman was like, yeah. Yeah, have you horse rode before? She was like, have you horse rode before? I was like, yeah, all the time. Literally never sat on a horse. Could have died. Yeah, she just let us go off at my own house. Unbelievable. So, okay, I lie too. Yeah, we all lie. We lie to survive. But I need to, we do. Right, okay, so you need to apologise. I need to genuinely apologise to Andrew because he went, hey, you're not doing it then this year?
11:33And I went, I, I am. I fucking finished though. Do you not see us? I finished and I ran home. I got changed. I picked the kids up. I ran back down here. Of course I'm not doing it this year. And he looked at us and I was like, oh, so how have you been? I haven't seen you for years. You need to take, what is it that they take to America to chill them? Xanax. Xanax. You need to take a Xanax. Half a Xanax. Hook it to my veins. You need to chill the fuck out. No, do you know what it is? You have got the personality to do that. To do it and then come back. I think everyone, because you went down and watched, I think they're all just like, surely you would do this.
12:06Like, you live here. I get too bored. You're gym guy. You're BGJ guy. Short bursts. BGJ, five minute round, break. Five minute round, break. Yeah, you haven't got the mental stamina to be able to run for. That's exactly it. I've got the physical stamina, possibly. Don't know. We'll never know. But I don't have the mental stamina. Why don't you just not train at all and just see if you can do it? because I would be literally getting picked up by the bus that closes the roads. I don't think you would. I think you'd be able to do it. Nah. I do. I think you're mental. I think it's about pacing yourself.
12:36Like I say, I'd run past someone who was playing dance music and I'd go, yeah, and I'd sprint for 10 seconds and then I would die a bit of taste blood. You're a jammy bastard. You would do it. You'd do it in an hour and a half. Probably win the fuck, I'd be fair, to be perfectly honest. You'd do it in an hour and a half. You'd literally do it in really good speed and I'd be like, you prick. And you know what? I would have trained for it for months and I'd do it in an hour slower. Big shout out to the people just further up who were handing people beers as well, by the way, from us. Oh, yeah. That was incredible.
13:02People giving out oranges. It's just love. Honestly, South Shield till I die. I love it, yeah. I don't want to make this whole episode about the Great North Run, so let's get this all out of here. No, I do. It's sponsored by the Great North Run. First of all, I don't know if I've mentioned or I saw this before or if it's just something I've said as a joke, but I genuinely, when we were standing near the shops watching the run, I genuinely saw a guy walking back through all of the crowds with his big shop with four carrier bags. He looked the most devastated I've ever seen anyone. And I laughed so much.
13:31I don't know if that's something I've thought about in the past or something I've actually seen. So we're all on the pavement. Go on, everyone. Clap and clap. And there's this guy just trying to get through. There's people coming past on bikes. There's police. There's kids throwing balls. There's runners. And he had like four Tesco bags just with his big shop in. And he looked like he had no clue that there was a run on that day. But that's silly because if you are from this town, you know on Great North Run Day you're not leaving you're not leaving the area really funny secondly I took my son to a club on Saturday and next door to the club there was a rugby ground the rugby ground was full of camper vans and tents and I said to someone why is this happening and he went oh it's loads of people doing the run and I have found my worst idea of a holiday ever my worst idea of a holiday ever is traveling the length and breadth of the country.
14:26Not joking. Some guys stopped NASA's directions. Wasn't an English accent. I'm not sure where he's come from. Right. Maybe we're going to ferry in the car or something. There's like 60 ,000 people do it. So it's a lot of people. My word. This is it. You ever want to get me the worst present ever, get me a little voucher for a drive for miles in a camper van, rock up, right? Or in a car, sorry, rock up, pitch me tent up, go and do a half marathon, go and sleep in a tent straight after. Yeah. I would rather I don't even know I'd rather go to the North Pole naked like no chance so you've missed out as well it's the getting to the beginning of the race that gets me just horrible just horrible anyway one last thing this is the last thing about the Great North Run sorry guys you don't understand it's a really big part it's huge in our town it's a huge part of our life it's massive it's class I used to go out and get pissed on Great North Run Day it was like it was like a big day anyway I've never heard so many people talk about one person who was running yesterday.
15:23And I don't know whether it's just like, I think, Tommy Fury. Tommy Fury. Every person I spoke to was like, Tommy Fury's, he must have gone past 25 times the same spot because I was like, right, well, I'm, where is he? So, right, that's right. Tommy Flippin' Fury. So I think, I think the locals in South Shield sometimes forget that it's a genuine televised huge, it's the biggest half marathon in the world, I think. Is it? I think it's, oh, definitely the UK, but possibly the big, it's like for attendees and coverage and everything. It's live on the BBC. But people forget that and people tell you, you turn up and people tell you that Tommy Fury's just gone past like he's just popping to the shop because they're on their street and their house is, people normally walk from just where their house is.
16:04Like, hey, Tommy Fury just walked past, get his big shop in, look good at it, didn't know there was a run on.
16:11I've just seen so many pictures of Tommy Fury. Apparently there's a unit like. Everyone I sported just went, Tommy Fury went past, big lad like, unit. Bigger than he is on telly. I went, nice one. Yeah. That's what everyone says to me. Yeah, yeah. Are you? What are you bigger? No, they say I'm littler in real life. Every single person who says, you look small. I'm like, yeah, I just look massive on the telly. And all the things I did on telly, I just had a baby. So that was great. And what have you been doing since then to lose that? What? Walking. All me walking. It all comes back. All me walking.
16:42Hashtag, longest in the weather. Yeah. You shit, aye. We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle We couldn't settle on a jingle Jingle So this is the jingle Jingle We hope you like the jingle Jingle Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo Jingle Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Married Annoyed Hello Hello Now we've had the summer holidays Yes You know they're all back at school now thank goodness and then I was only back a couple of days and then back again. I've had a really odd weekend because our kids went back on Thursday and they were back for two days and I got two days of like normal back, like back in the gym, we did work, you know, and then straight away, they were back again, they were off again for two days.
17:34It's like Groundhog Day. The sugar intake has been stressing me out just because it's been the holidays and stuff and you think, well, it's the holidays and blah, blah, blah. Can we talk about what Robin did yesterday? Can you remember this? I do. It was one of the weirdest things. Yeah, okay. Well, in his defence, right? Mm-hmm. And I don't know. I always worry saying too much about the kids because I want them to have their own lives and stuff like that. And, you know, I'm very aware of the order they get. I mean, it was funny as fuck, to be fair. Yeah, but what you've got... The reason I'm going to say this first is what you've got to remember is Robin lives in a house with us two.
18:09Yeah. We are... Right, listen, teachers. They don't swear. We don't swear around them. No. We're very, you know, sensible. they don't know like awful they don't hear any of the awful stuff they were talking about on here but we both have very silly personalities and we'll act daft and what you're about to describe is a product of that so Robin has taken now to drinking cups of tea biscuit tea so yeah so I don't know I can't remember where I got it I got given it it's something I did I think it was in a hamper it was in a hamper I got given it as a gift and it's a box of tea bags but they're basically malt infused so they taste like someone's just dip the fuck with biscuits in.
18:45Sorry, just really quickly. I looked in Asda and they didn't have them. But if anyone's listening who works for that company, if you make decaf of this biscuit tea, please, can you get in touch? Yes. Because he had one once in the afternoon and he didn't sleep all night. Oh, he didn't put him in the body of bed. And we'll make them the weakest piss as well to be fair. But anyway, it's really milky. It's biscuit tea. We'll allow him a bit of sugar in it. Yeah. And then yesterday, he was... Sugar cube. Sugar cube. Because we made it both sugar cubes. Yeah. Ages ago and they're just in the cupboard.
19:12Oh, your JNS, yeah. So he's sitting and he starts drinking it and then we look at him and he's sitting and he's got his hand over his mouth and he looks really concerned. And we both go, son, are you okay? Have you burnt your mouth? And I made it. I'm like, I know it's not that hot. I was like, have you burnt your mouth? And you were like, have you burnt your mouth? And he's going, mm, mm. And we're like, my God. And then you clicked on and you went, are you eating a sugar cube? And he knew he was rumbled. so to say something to throw you off the scent as he ran out of the room do you want to tell everyone what he shouted?
19:45Dad's cheating on you
19:52and there was a moment where I was like if she believes this I did if she believes this do you have any idea how many like ways of playing that ran out in my head because I was like if I get too defensive here and start shouting and kicking off, it's going to look like I am cheating on you. And if I laugh along, it's also going to look... So I had to just stand there, shocked, and look, and wait for him to go, yeah, I'm eating a sugar cube. No. For a moment, I mean, I knew he was eating a sugar cube, but for a moment I thought, this is trauma. Can I just tell you right now, if I was cheating on you, he'd be the last one to find out.
20:26I wouldn't tell him a fucking thing. I'd tell Rafe before I told him. It was so weird. For a split second, though, I genuinely was like, Like, oh, is this how I'm going to find out? Like, please. Do you know how you heard this song? Take me to a park that's covered with trees. Tell me on a Sunday, please. There's a whole song which is like somebody, I think it's somebody breaking up with someone. It's like, let me down gently. If you ever are cheating on us and you meet someone else, do not, please do not get Robin to tell us because that would break me heart. yeah no he's delivering his delivery's all off his delivery's all off yeah it was not nice but then it's because he loves humour yeah he loves inappropriate humour all the stuff that he watches he's watched Malcolm the Middle twice through yeah twice yeah yeah but yeah it was fuck me it was funny he just looked he always has though oh well Robin he's always been like that he'll end up he'll probably be a comedian I could imagine I mean Rafe's funny as well but I could imagine Robin having the humour or an actor you'll do something along the lines I'll be a YouTuber what would be the point what would be the point in going all around the country and jumping on stage in front of people and trying to make a name for yourself when you can just do it in your house tell me why you're going on tour because I've already got the audience I'm not starting from scratch Rosie you've got no idea don't take away the art of performance from my spin it's gone it's already gone you've got no idea how jealous and angry I was the fact that being a YouTuber in this country just became a thing after I'd already done five or six years of shithouse gigs all over the country to no one.
22:08I know, but you've got to do them. I was so upset. You've got to do them. You know, you've got to get changed and do your makeup in a toilet before you can appreciate a really nice dressing room at the ITV studios. There it is. Yeah. What are they called again? What? Babysitter, what studios are they? Just a TV studio. It's all good. The studios. There it is. Yeah. Other TV shows are available. That stink, by the way. they stink though which ones the ones where I have to the only diva thing that I've ever done when we did our TV show and I was like please can you take those disgusting reed diffusers out of my dressing room because I'll want to die yeah little bit of insider info if you're ever if you're ever in a TV studio situation and you think that the special surprise guest on the show might be Rosie Ramsey but her name isn't on her dressing room door if there's an air freshener on the floor outside the dressing room door that just kicked out that's her dressing room Babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo.
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23:35Hear that? That's now Crispy and McCrispy Strips meeting creamy Caesar sauce. Sounds extra crispy. Caesar sauce at McDonald's for a limited time. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. Class is now in session. And the UPS Store is here to help you ace arriving on campus. our certified packing experts can pack everything you need from desktops to decor plus when you pack and ship with us you get our exclusive pack and ship guarantee your items arrive safe or your money back restrictions and limitations apply to get a 20 off packing coupon and for full details visit the ups store.com slash packing now listen i'm surprised we haven't done this before i don't think we've done this before if we have done this before i've revamped it i've made it a bit sexier because on the surface it is extremely boring however right it's a bit sexier okay we spoke about it very briefly last week we're going to do it now it's time for rosie's uk crossing quiz the quiz about uk crossings on roads oh jesus yeah right listen sex it up don't worry is this Listen, I've got for you.
24:51You see what you're paying for? Eh? See what you're paying for? What props? Guys listening at home, he's wrote some stuff on green bits of paper. I've got six vouchers for you here. Right? Six, you make the tea, vouchers. Already do. Are these men to be good? No, you've got to give them to me. Oh, right. Yeah. Oh, my God. These are six vouchers for you to have. Okay. If you win, don't touch them. Only if I win. Do I get all six? Well, I'll tell you. Holy shit, there's never been a prize before. You're new. anyone not watching this it's literally just I thought there were post-it notes when I bought them but they're not even sticky they're just coloured bits of paper I'm well upset guys I hate to tell you listening I watched the YouTube video for the first time I watched it like all the way through sent a message to the team yeah I was in the soppy group text that you sent to the team it's actually quite nice to watch it looks great they're doing a very good job so for people not watching I do apologise but this is a visual so the six you make the tea vouchers right hold on they all just say you make the tea yes you give them to me so there couldn't have been different stuff on there you can pick whatever you want you just go you make the tea Chris so anytime that you're thinking you know what I can't be honest to make the tea and then you go we'll just sort ourselves out is what you normally do but you go no Chris you hand it you make the tea so whatever you were going to make I have to make I thought it could have been like you change the bed no no I thought it could have been jobs well no it's just you make the tea okay fair enough that's fair enough you want to be separate ones no no it's fine make the tea why are you shitting all of me game okay It's low job vouchers when I used to work at the gadget shop.
26:19Low job vouchers. Yeah? You got paid in them, didn't you? I did not. Right. So you are playing for six. You make the tea vouchers, Chris, right? They're in the middle there. Well, no, they're not in the middle yet. So one for each correct answer? Well, they're not in the middle yet. No, so this is how the game works. This is why we never got those Chris shows that we piloted. There is it. There is it. Shut up. The pot here is in the middle of the ones you'll be paying for. All right. Your first job is to guess. If you get the names of all six of the UK crossings correct, all six different types, they go in the pot to play for, okay?
26:55Are you ready? I don't really understand, but yes. Well, I'll tell you what. I'll ask you. Okay, you've got six questions. I just thought I could have won one for each one I got right. Nah. Six questions for each one. You've made it so complicated. No, listen, it's convoluted. It's complicated. You put initial six... Right, dude, let's just go. Listen, your initial six questions play for each one. They go in the pot, and then you play the game to see if you keep them in the pot or not. When you get one wrong, some comes out of the pot. Okay, right. Okay? Yeah. Right. Name the six types of UK crossing.
27:19Pelican crossing. Bang. Zebra crossing. Bang.
Read the full transcript
27:27The... I don't know. Oh, gosh. Is there six? It's not boring well. It's not boring well. Pelican, zebra. Nope. How have you not been run over? How the fuck? There's only two? there's just a zebra crossing and a pelican crossing no no no no no the no this is boring right I don't know you're gonna have to tell us Chris wow we've got four delish tea vouchers here are you fucking serious it's like people are screaming at this right I'm sorry everyone's screaming the ad says scream as loud as you want on your dog walk or whatever you're doing you will not get one of these vouchers off me I don't know any of their crossings I literally can't believe this okay zebra crossing yeah pelican crossing yeah fucking the lion wow king I don't know right Wow, this is so anti-climax.
28:13Sorry, everyone. Okay, it was zebra, puffin, pelican, toucan, pegasus, ostrich. No, you've made them up. Where are they? The other six. Where? The other six. First question. Toucan crossing. First question. Which one of those is made up? There's only five. Which one of those is made up? Say them again. Quickly, because this is horrible. zebra puffin pelican toucan pegasus ostrich toucan you've lost one of your you've lost one already ostrich is the one i made up ostrich is the one i made up okay um describe a zebra crossing um black and white lines on a road yeah the beetles walked over one don't need that the famously superfluous information black and white lines don't need that okay bang you're keeping that one voucher that's still yours great can't wait okay describe a pelican crossing um it's you press the button you wait for the green man you hear the beeping and it's just a plain bit of road completely correct and this is something i didn't know yeah it's called a pedestrian light controlled crossing yeah pedestrian light controlled pelican yeah right describe a puffin crossing i'm going to take this away now because this is pointless No, no, no.
29:36Keep it there. Okay, puff and crossing. Describe a puff and crossing. Little clouds.
29:45For children. You know when they've got smaller sinks in the toilets? Right. This is the children version of a crossing the road. No, it is a pedestrian user-friendly intelligent crossing equipped with sensors that detect pedestrians. Pedestrians only. The lights stay red for traffic longer if pedestrians are still on the crossing. And there's often countdown signals. I'm going to let you keep that because that was a hard one. Thank you. Toucan crossing explain it it's a very large bird with a I don't know never heard of it never heard of it it's for this is actually really interesting toucan toucan right bikes and pedestrians it's for both great yeah there it is Pegasus crossing easy come on come on horses yes for horses you get to keep that voucher yes oh okay two bonus questions now two bonus questions oh good okay do I win some of these back no no you can't No, no, no.
30:35You can't win the back. They're gone. They're gone. Hard game. Listen, you see the 1 % club? It's cut throat. This is it, right? What number between 1 and 10 am I thinking of now? Six. It was 7.84. Sorry. Oh, God. Listen, last question. Yeah. What's for tea tonight?
30:59It'll be a jackpotato laced with cyanide for you. Thank you very much. Cyanide. Yeah. Honestly. How do you feel after that quiz then? Are you all right? Bit rattled. I love a quiz, I'm not going to lie, but usually I like it to be about stuff that I... I had to keep it fast-paced because it was actually quite boring subject matter. Very boring. Very, very boring. There was actually another bonus question that I forgot to ask you. Would you like to be asked it now? Not really. Do you want us to ask you anyway? Go on. It's not about crossings. Oh, okay. What is the name of Pinocchio's dad?
31:35Bit of an inside joke here, everyone listening. So this is because when we were in Disney in the summer holidays, Robin saw Pinocchio and the man who made Pinocchio, the old man, I'm sure we all know his name. We're all saying it now. Really loudly, Rosie, you said, Oh, there's Pinocchio and chapati.
31:59To which Robin turned around and went, Mom, I think that's bread. And I went, yeah, that's Indian bread. It was, Geppetto? Geppetto. Geppetto. Geppetto. It was so loud. It was so loud when you shouted it. I know. But Robin was on it immediately. Oh, God, it was great. Yeah, he knew straight away, but he didn't know the real name of him. No, because you'd already said it. You do that quite a lot. You say the wrong one, and then you just push the real name out of everyone's heads. I thought I was going to die. Geppetti. Geppetti. So funny. Do you know what it is? I was really overstimulated by that time.
32:33I think I've been carrying Rafe for about three years. I was just done. Speaking of a similar, can you remember yesterday when we were trying to get them out of the car and into the house after we'd been to the Great Opera? We just packed this in. You are literally making me sound like the worst person in the world. But yes, I do remember. So I think what you did was, Rafe was just trying to... Chris had been off for six and a half weeks. And then we had an extra weekend, like you said earlier on. I was just done. I think what happened yesterday was some wires crossed in your head and you accidentally said a thing you would normally say to me, but you accidentally nearly said it to our son Rafe because he was going watch this, watch this or whatever and you went oh Rafe man no one cares and you just you just tealed up and I caught eyes with you and I went ah you were about to tell our four year old that no one cares I know but you didn't you caught yourself I did I caught it he didn't hear it Robin Robin heard it and Robin was like what's funny what's funny and you know and you're like sometimes Robin just we laugh together without you nothing Nothing gets past that kid now.
33:33Nothing gets past that kid. Well, that's why he's giving it the dads having a bit. Exactly. And, yeah. Wish I was.
33:43Feel free. I can't be arsed. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? Beef, beef, beef. Ladies first? I've got a few. Wow. You've had a bad week. You've had a really bad week. From the compliment last week to you've really gone. hey listen you gotta take the rest of the smooth i hope your last yeah is happy with you because you're in you're in your bad moods um okay at the minute can i do two yes right because one one's from today one so right okay um little bit it's it's a bit first world problems apologies because chris and i have a car reach i know i know we live in a world where i'm very aware that not everyone is able to have a car reach so i'm sorry if i'm speaking out of turn uh but chris has decided to put his car in the garage all right waxed and washed yep waxed washed cleaners out fully charged in the garage um how long has it been in the garage for a couple of weeks it's been at least a fortnight so chris has just proceeded to just drive my car everywhere which often leaves me without a car well listen and it's fucking insane i no i have i admitted the other day that i was wrong and i will get it back out of the garage it's can we agree that it's ridiculous yes i tell you what the problem is i apologize i'm always in a hurry i'm always in a hurry so i don't have time to open the garage and get it out of the garage and and that sounds ridiculous but you know me i am like when i'm going to something i get there bang on time or two minutes late.
35:23I'm never I'm never sitting around I'm never sitting around waiting for stuff it kills us I can't bear it. So I get there right on time or like slightly late. So I'm always like I'm always going to Robin quick when you leave now when you leave now now. It's very not it's not really what's the word conducive to family life because you leave everything to last minute and then I will get out I apologise I'll get out of the garage I apologise. It's just However it's no no there is no I'm sorry the wax that I used smells we've got a car reach right so stop driving my car and get your stupid car out the garage and stop driving my car so that I literally and you're like oh I'm just going to take your car and I'm like I have places to go well that's a lie without you that's a lie you've got nowhere to go in my defence you haven't been in that garage the wax that I cleaned it with that I waxed it with smells incredible whole garage stinks of it now really nice really fruity lovely strong you'll love it you're a selfish prick you'll hate it as well I'll have to open that garage for a bit as well you will hate that smell fucking stinks it's really bad I got a bit of a headache when I was in there oh great is it like creosote I love the smell of creosote no it's like a fruity it's like no it's like you know when you used to make perfume with a bottle of empty bottle of coke and some petals and water it's like proper fruity oh god oh no okay I'll leave the garage for a while what's your other beef just really quickly Mrs.
36:49Greedy Pants you're full on edge you are so on edge at the minute. Of course I am. And anything I say, unless I explain it to within an inch of its life, it's just too much. Give us an example. So just about an hour ago, I was watching a program while I was getting ready about obese people who are getting operations. It's an old program, but it's interesting. I love a documentary. Yeah, yeah. And you knew I was watching this because I told you about it. Yeah. And I came up the stairs and you were in your office and I said, one of them died. And you were like, who died? I saw you. Who's dead? I saw you easily two hours ago when you were sitting watching that, right?
37:31We have a lot of conversations, a lot of different things. You literally walked into my office and went, one of them died. I had no fucking clue what you were talking about. I went to panic. I'm not the man. Everyone listening. Guys, if you've listened to even one episode of this podcast, it's chic fucking nut. I am not the man you walk in the room and say one of them died to. I go, absolutely cold red. What do you think? I meant the kids. I don't know what you meant. It was just not a nice thing to hear. You did it yesterday as well. You did it yesterday morning. I did gigs at the weekend. Friday, Saturday night, I did the customs.
38:03I was trying out new material with Jason Cook's Comedy Club. Yesterday morning, I came downstairs. He gave us a lie-in, thank you very much. Hanging out my arse, right, because I had a few drinks afterwards, and I'm standing, filling some water from the fridge, tender, and you literally look at us and you went, Chris, I've got some bad news. And I went, what and he went we watched captain america civil war without you i was like for fuck's sake like what are you doing man i just okay i'm 39 right you know what i mean i don't have a spring in my step anymore i'm at the age where you know realistically some of my friends could have bad medical news or just drop down dead and you can't just start with you know if you said to me i've got some bad news i'd go i'd think oh like the milk's out of date would you i would out no come on right would i go to the extremes that you go to well no but that's because right well fair enough well then sorry i don't know how to word things in future what do you want us to say do you want us to say like i'm gonna say this is bad news but it's not that bad oh my god am i asking for real life trigger warnings i've become what i hated
39:12i'm asking for real life trigger warnings you need it just keep i do i do but i how the tables have turned i've become what i hate you are you are what you hate yeah everything that you hate you're you are a walking hypocrisy that's you you're just a hypocrite you're a hypocrite Yeah, you're a hypocrite. I mean, I'm a hypocrite, but I know I am. But like, yeah, you are. You need a trigger, won't you? Like, one of them died. What did you think I meant? I don't know. It was just, I was busy. I was busy. I'll be honest with you. My anxiety was high anyway, because I couldn't get, I'd written the notes for this podcast on one laptop, and I couldn't get it to me fucking iPad.
39:52And in my defense, I was really surprised that they showed it when he passed away. Right. The guy who went for the procedure wanted it to be shown either outcome. and it was like I really didn't expect it bloody having me little chicken avocado and it was sad really good dog anyway great my beef with you dare I say it when you not force me but when you take me to something that you know I'm not really going to enjoy you're always surprised that I don't massively enjoy it when I'm there and then you're like what's wrong with you No. Why have you had a face on you? No. Okay. It's just because some things I don't enjoy, but I come anyway to be a family, and then you're like, so this is the bit.
40:38No, no. This is the bit. You go afterwards, you go, you didn't have to come, you know, and I go, all right, let's imagine how that, if I had a time machine, I would jump straight in that time machine, I would go back in the morning, I would go, I'm not coming to that thing, by the way, and watch how that played out, because I don't think it would play out as nicely as you think it would. Maybe I just need to learn my lesson, and not invite you to things. we're talking about the great other one by the way because Chris had a face like a fucking arse all day because he just hates any sort of organised fun at all a couple of things because he's a miserable bastard a couple of things and he comes on here has a little laugh and you all see him smiling at him but actually in real life he's miserable as sin a couple of things right and I hope your new girlfriend enjoys you good because I'm fucking sick a couple of things right it's that you know this but you still go I'll come to that why you got a face on you right well then I'll tell you what in the future I don't come because I would rather you weren't there in Disney I knew you didn't like rides I know you don't want to go on rides I wasn't standing there going why aren't you going on the rides why aren't you going on the rides why aren't you being miserable right so there's loads of stuff you don't like though so what would you just never ever going to do anything as a family no but they're all normally based around that kind of ilk it's normally let's go and watch these people jogging past oh will it be good how many people will be there 60 ,000 okay will a bit across the road nah right can i sit down nah to be fair the reality of the run i didn't watch the run i watched rave playing on a square of grass with a tennis ball because you went i'm watching the run will you watch rave i didn't watch the run i watched a four-year-old trying to throw a tennis ball how many times i nearly went on the road i had more friends doing it than you there it is so in reality i was babysitting at the run in reality listen it always boils down to the fact that our life will get better when the kids get older so listen let's just let's shake your hand hang on in there right because we're nearly there okay we're nearly there Robin went to the shop by himself yesterday when we're at the run we're nearly there I'll tell you what honestly five more years and we'll be happy again you hurt me hands I'm joking you went okay do you want to hear something that'll cheer you up just really quickly yeah um i didn't tell you i didn't tell you this because i was really embarrassed by it right um the other day what could this be the other day do you know when i had something in my eye it was really painful did i tell you yeah not yesterday but the day i had to me i yesterday but this was the day before i was like literally to the point where i thought i might have had to go to hospital it was that bad I didn't tell you but because the reason what happened was I was licking a bag of crisps and I I breathed out
43:28you were licking an empty bag of crisps licking an empty bag of prawn cocktail shells from Moxie's and you got so aroused and hyperventilated like it like it and please don't take this the wrong way like a pig snuffling for truffles
43:49and you breathed into the bag and the dust went in your eye went in one of my eyes and I swear to God I thought I would have absolutely loved to have sat in A &E and listened to you say that to the triage nurse I would have that would have I'd have filmed that I know this is really terrible but I'm gonna have to film my wife saying this because you will not fucking believe how this greedy fucker I had to go and do an eye bag I'm prone, got me a lie back. Hey, honestly. So there you go. Oh, that's great. I've got to tell you. Wow. We're too deep in parenting that my little eye problems in, I knew you'd take the piss.
44:23That's absolutely brilliant. That's absolutely brilliant. That's made my day, that. There you go. Well done. Thank you for that gift. You're welcome. Oh, God, I was better than any birthday present I got this year.
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45:34Babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo bab. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bub. That's you. As always, if you let it get in touch, it's ShagMardinoid at gmail.com. And it doesn't need to be a question. It can be literally anything. Send us stories. Send us icks. Send us would you rather. Send us things that's happening to you. If you want to be anonymous, we'll always keep you anonymous. Yeah, anything you like. That's how it works. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Long-time listener. Second-time emailer. Ooh. I'll have to check for your first one.
46:01She won't. I might. Fuck you. It is, right. Anyway, I was listening to the episode where Chris told the story of being on his own in a garage whilst his friends gave each other love bites. Yes, oh my God, yes. Yeah, I don't remember that. So, right, hold on. Just written that weirdly, like I was there and it was just me and all the lads and they were all giving each other love bites. Was it a... No, it was two of me mates from me estate who happened to be going out with two of the girls from school. Right. So one was going out in my class. And you were the only one not getting lucky. I kind of fancied both the girls as well.
46:38So that was really, it was quite depressing. You know how it is? Now that we're diving in deeper, I feel like I should be lying on a shay as long. So it was, yeah, it was me two mates who I knocked around with on the street. One that went to school, but he was an older boy. He was with one of the girls who I kind of fancied a bit because you just fancy everyone when you're, you know, 13, 14. and then and the other lad was with another one from me class who I also fancied as well and I sat in the dark while I could just hear them slopping on each other how old were you when you lost your virginity?
47:0716 I think okay waited waited waited till it was legal honestly Rosie batting them off I was batting them off I said get away get away this is going to be done to the letter of the law serious I was going to say the letter of God and his lord and this is I honestly this is going to be done I'm telling you it went it went at midnight it went at midnight August the 3rd bang midnight and they were banging at the door and I said no I was born at 9 in the morning right I'm still not 16 you've got to come back in 9 hours yeah yeah honestly the parking the parking situation I was there of course you were yeah the bloody loads of their machines the delicatessen machine ticket things let's just stop I was the original body blue alright grissy blue I made you watch that documentary, didn't I?
47:57Yeah. So you enjoyed it, didn't you? Oh, God. Yeah. Oh, God. Right, okay, ready? Yep. So, me and my cousin have always been really close, as there is only three days between us. Right. What? Sorry, I'm just remembering, before all that tirade of mine there, all that bullshit, I'm just remembering what this was about. This was about the love bites in the garage. And now it's just, the next sentence is me and my cousin have always been close. So I'm just excited to see what this goes. It's a male talking about his female cousin. Great. Just because I like context. all my friends always fancied her and over the years she made her way through the majority of them lovely lass bit of a slag dig so you know there you go over the years she made her way through the majority of them wow I hope he's doing a speech at her wedding yeah love you a bit bit of a slag that's fine listen we've all been slags so I'll not have a bad word said against her so one night me and my cousin and a friend of mine were out wandering the streets like the chavvy teenagers we were remember the days until it started absolutely pissing it down and the three of us took shelter in a phone box.
48:58Do you remember that? When it used to rain, you'd go in a phone box. Three in a phone box. I've done it many times, three of them. Next thing, I'm stood shoulder to shoulder with my cousin as she is getting fingered. That is vile. Still to this day, I don't let that forget about it. Please keep me anonymous as my cousin listens. So there you go. She knows exactly who this is about. She knows. Wow. I'd say. And you know what it is? You know what I nearly said? I'm so furious. I just got tangled in my headphone wires. I nearly said when they were talking about phone boxes, I nearly got a bit nostalgic.
49:35I went, oh, it's such a shame you don't see phone boxes. I know. And I'm glad I didn't see it. This is why. Shoulder to shoulder with your cousin, Wileshik. Shoulder to shoulder. So dark. Yeah. That's so dark. It's really weird. Was there eye contact? Who knows? We'll never know. Back in the day, though. Honestly, I can't even imagine a rain heavy enough to keep me in that phone box while that was happening. Acid fucking rain and I'd be out there. No, me neither. There is no fucking chance. The person who sent this in, you could have left the phone box at any time. Fucking fire. Jeez. Lava from the sky.
50:16The plagues of Egypt. I would be gone. Yeah. No chance. Me too. Which tells me he enjoyed it. He enjoyed it quite a bit, I think. He enjoyed it quite a bit. Can't stop talking about it by the times of it. Can't think of your own cousin, but you can stand by and watch, can't you?
50:36Hi, Rosie and Chris. Hi. Picture it. All right, picture this. I'm doing it. The most beautiful man you've ever seen. Okay. Waiting in line at my till to be served. Nice. He's tall, muscular, bearded, and has beautiful bright blue eyes. Good God. Not my type, but that's fine. All right. Well, okay. You can't even picture it. You can't even play along just for a moment. No, I can. Sounds absolutely lush. I can. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, okay. I get it. I get it. Come on then. What colour eyes you got? Not to offend. Dark. I like dark eyes rather than light eyes. I do now. I've looked. Brilliant. I go missing.
51:14I go missing. police are interviewing you I want a photo of us I want to know what I look like what colour is his eyes I just have to check hold on I'll zoom in on this photo I like dark I prefer dark no don't even don't even because there's something wrong with me my memory's horrendous you know these people you know people who get attacked and then they've got to tell the person drawing the picture what they look like I've always oh yeah I'd be so wrong so no no I do believe that the people asking the questions have got a specific way of getting the information out. Do you think? Yes. Right.
51:48Because I imagine it's a lot of yes, no questions and then it's a sketch and then it's that, kind of, but... Okay, fair enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, they don't just go, what does he look like? And you go, here's that fucking pencil. What's this? HB6? Fine, yeah. Yeah. Like, no. Tell me these features. Yeah. Your eyes, the nose, the mouth. I think it's... I think it's a step-by-step process and I think they're trained at getting the information out of people. Scratch the fucker. Get that DNA. 100%. fucking scratch his fucking face off. All women should learn Jiu-Jitsu. Just saying it. I know, yeah.
52:19All women should have Jiu-Jitsu. I know. Presented Jiu-Jitsu, not the flicking, not the hand-fighting flicky stuff. Yeah. Proper. Right, listen. Okay. He's masculine. Masculine. He's masculine. Masculine. He's masculine. Right. Jibani. Jibani. Oh, I'll tell you what, I can't wait for October 31st because I'm going to get masculine. I, uh... Halloween? Put a mask on.
52:50It's because it says muscular, right? He's tall, muscular.
52:57That doesn't explain. It's because it says a different word. I think words are too similar. Right. Muscular, masculine. Right. Mollusk. They're too close together. Masculine. He was. Metatarsal. Yeah. Metatarsal. It's just, honestly, we can do a lot now. Let's delve further. We should not put this out because we are inadvertently writing our next kids book. The Sexy Snail. He was a masculine, muscular mollusk.
53:35Chris, it wrote itself. He was a masculine, muscular mollusk. He broke his metatarsal.
53:47honestly that'll get that'll that'll be on the christmas eve show that's it punami might never be on but that'll be on yeah no the children's books are easy to read you're kidding us yeah easy to write sorry
54:10chris is trying to imply that he writes most of the book
54:29you proofread it you proofread it I help
54:41don't we have a laugh man don't we have a laugh hang on I'm crying now I've got it all over my face right god this poor guy stood at the till so long waiting for us right listen it's just it's getting videoed now yeah right okay listen right back to the man he's tall muscular bearded and has beautiful bright blue eyes a few of my female colleagues are hanging about my till pretending to look for something just so they can be there when he gets served I've done that before Here's a question. Yeah. I've never been... Can we finish this? No. I've never been drop dead gorgeous in me life to the point of where people hang around and just like that.
55:23So he's obviously... You're a lot more attractive now than you ever have been. Thank you. But I don't think... So... Dare I say... Have I not told you on stage on Friday night? What? A bloke heckled us said, you look sick. you look you're you're you're you're i know you're a slim man you're a slim man he said and i went i'm a slim man he went yeah you're looking slim and i went oh thanks i'm i was like i don't know how i was like thanks i'm yeah i'm looking after myself and that and i looked at this woman in the front row and you just as if we're talking at a house she just went you look canny not not for me um but my point being right if i was this if i was randomly put into this guy's body and I was at the till and all the staff were hanging around, I would think they were going to nab us for nicking.
56:11I would be like, look, I haven't nicked anything. He'll just be used to it because he's so excited. So he's probably used to it, yeah. He would have to go, no, you're lush, mate. Yeah. Right, okay. Right. Wet floor sign. Carry on. He gets to the till and I ask him if he has a loyalty card. He looks across the shop to an older lady browsing and shouts, Mummy, do you have a loyalty card?
56:32Collective looks of disgust on all our faces and my colleagues disappear off leaving me to finish serving the man child I no longer fancy. Wow. See? Again. It's all in what you say. I just find it fascinating. What, people still... Ix in the way, like... Oh, but what grown adults are saying mummy and daddy? No, I'm sorry. I know what you mean. There will be people listening to this who do and I think you're fucking gross. Yeah. Mummy, daddy. And they're always posh. I knew a girl years ago who had her dad in her phone as daddy and honestly, repulsed. yeah it's vile repulsed yeah it's vile especially for up here yeah yeah hi chris and rosie me and my fiancee have listened start to finish nearly four times now oh my god oh my gosh thank you and sorry amazing thank you so much and he keeps telling me to share this work story please keep me anonymous so i don't catch a case okay i love that don't catch a case is good yeah someone's been watching uh what's it called get away with murder how to get away with murder or something you've been watching something suits or something catch a case good yeah i knew exactly i knew what you meant you didn't have to explain it but i knew i knew what it meant straight away okay listen go and tell your new government i still think you're cheating by the way so whatever um she was on all the rides at disney such so attractive i'm a veterinary nurse and have always worked in hospitals.
58:00So we see all kinds of emergencies. Animal emergencies. Yes. Yeah. But this one has stayed with me. Okay. And I think it could be a perfect Rosie's mystery. Right, let's go. Yeah. So here we go. A very sweet border terrier. Man from Yorkshire. The angry man from the Scottish borders. Listen. A very sweet border terrier came in one day lethargic, not eating and with underproductive vomiting. Underproductive vomiting? I mustn't be putting much effort in that. That's not coming out. Does it mean high enough but nothing's there? Yeah, most of them. An ultrasound revealed a big glowing blob in her intestines.
58:46Oh God. A classic foreign body classic. After surgery she went and we successfully retrieved Rosie's mystery's mystery's mystery. Big glowing blob. Oh. What is it? Was the children in the family? Do we know this? No, it doesn't say. Big glowing blob. Borda terrier, so not huge. I know what Borda terrier is. The immediate thing was like one of them squeezy, like a stress ball. All right. Stress ball or a bouncy ball. Is that what you're going with? Yeah. Right. You were wrong. Okay. After surgery, she went and we successfully retrieved a pair of lacy size 16 knickers. Okay. Spare that in mind. Sexy knickers.
59:38Lacy. Don't know if it's sexy. Depends what you find sexy. Okay. Some men really like old school lacy like 90s and that. Right. I've known I don't want to I've known people who wear them for their other halves. Really? They're like old fashioned. Yeah. Right. Awful. but okay yeah not your cup of tea no right you ready yeah the dog bounced back quickly and was soon her happy self again so he called her mum and dad to collect her oh mum and dad yeah yeah nah I'm not okay owners yeah owners is better but yeah but some people say that their dogs or did they call or did they call two border terriers and did they turn up and pick was it two dogs ring ring ring ring
1:00:30size 16 phone down thank you for coming so quickly you've been fucked it's a fucking nightmare yeah no call the mum and dad naturally we'd kept the surgical souvenir to show them as I explained the discharge instructions I couldn't help but notice that the female owner was slim borderline twiglet. When I revealed the niggers both their faces dropped. No. No. The couple left swiftly dog wagging human silent. At the post op check a few days later the male owner turned up alone and had removed the female owner from the account. It turned out they weren't her niggers. He'd been having an affair and his dog quite literally swallowed the evidence.
1:01:23Wow. Wow. Wow. Veterinary is full of weird and wonderful cases and this exact situation happens more often than you think. Crikey. Fucking brilliant. That's brilliant. So either he's got his lass coming over or he's taking the dog with him to go and shag his lass. Oh. Which one's worse? Or the secret partner who he's having an affair with has fed the dog the knickers. Why do you always go to the one? Because I'm sorry, I don't trust anybody and I think the world's full of odd people. She's laced them in bistro or meat paste. The dogs ate them and she's gone, right, this is it. This is when he's going to get found out and he's going to leave her and her plan's worked.
1:02:18Meat paste? Well, what are dogs like? I don't know, peanut butter? I think that's what she's done. I just think the idea of taking your dog with you to go and cheat on your partner, it feels like the dog's cheating as well, but it doesn't know it's cheating. I don't think that's fair, is it? That would be horrible, wouldn't it? That's not nice, is it? But who knows? Wow. So there you go. I love that story. That's brilliant. And that's why we're not getting a dog. Yeah. Because I'd get found out straight away. Yeah, there's no meat paste left in our fridge to put on clothes. You've already had most of it.
1:02:57as always thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of shag married annoyed yes thank you so so much and as always if you want to get in touch it's shagmarriedannoyed at gmail.com and i forgot to mention it but more news about my tour coming shortly oh not now no next week i think just next do i know about it yeah it's just a couple of extra days getting at it you've kind of shat all over it really it's nothing i did stuff with the way It's taken shape nicely. Yeah, you're very excited for it. Can't wait. No, indeed. Looking forward to having the kids on my own. There it is. And we'll be back in your ears and your vile, repulsive little eye sockets next week.
1:03:32Bye. Bye.
From the publisher
On this week’s podcast Chris and Rosie discuss The Great
North Run, why Rosie thought Chris was cheating and how she got a crisp based injury! Chris has a new quiz, and the pair start to write the beginnings of a new kid's book. QFTP involve fun in a phone box, a Mummy ick and some very big lacy knickers!
Keep sending all your weird and wonderful stories to:
Shaggedmarriedannoyed@gmail.com
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