The luteal phase, a mistaken death and is there a new podcast pending?!

24 Jul 2026 · 48 min · 18 chapters

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In short

The luteal phase/period app mishaps, supermarket queue frustrations, and the hosts’ ongoing banter segments (beefs, questions, icks/reverse icks). They also discuss “cook holding”/true-crime-style sexual voyeurism, plus a nurse’s A&E story about a foreign body in the rectum (a cucumber).

Guests

No named guests appear in the transcript. The episode is hosted by Rosie Ramsey and Chris Ramsey, with listener questions/voice notes included.

Key claims

The period app ignores mood inputs and instead immediately discusses vaginal discharge during the luteal phase, attributing discharge changes to progesterone/estrogen fluctuations. Chris’s catchphrase “I’ve got away with murder” is mocked. Supermarkets should not open only one checkout when a queue forms (example: Tesco Sunderland, seven people).

Notable examples

“Kissed by a Rose”/Batman Forever joke; self-checkout confusion at Asda; a Dublin “Chris Ramsey died” misunderstanding; “cook holding” explanation; A&E cucumber case where staff offered theatre vs “make a salad,” and a nurse’s “light and shade” hospital quote.

Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.

Chapters

Tap a time to open that second in VO

Discussing Podcast Formats and Viewing Preferences

0:39 to 4:38

The hosts share their thoughts on podcast formats, viewing preferences, and the fun of watching facial expressions.

“Is this where he drinks a spunk out of the bath?”

Luteal Phase and Its Effects

4:38 to 7:36

A light-hearted conversation about the luteal phase, moods, and its impact on interactions.

“I pay for this app and it's just like tells us when I'm due on.”

Grocery Store Experiences and Checkout Challenges

7:36 to 14:00

The hosts recount amusing experiences at supermarkets, highlighting frustrations with queues and self-checkouts.

“So now and then when I get sent to sponsors, some of them are scripted, some of them are just little thoughts.”

Humor in Miscommunication

14:00 to 18:00

Exploring the humor and absurdity in social interactions and misunderstandings.

“Me and the lads do it just to annoy each other, right?”

An Apology in Dublin

18:00 to 20:08

A funny story about an awkward encounter with a fan and the related anxiety.

“You may not know this, but I have eczema.”

Discussing True Crime Podcasts

20:18 to 21:34

A lively discussion on the themes of true crime, periods, and the absurdities of media.

“Starting or growing your own business can be intimidating and lonely at times.”

Naming the New Podcast

21:44 to 23:40

Discussing ideas for a new podcast that blends various interests.

“I may have come up with a name for my new podcast.”

Listener Story: Chris's Mistaken Death

23:40 to 28:01

A listener shares a humorous story about confusion regarding Chris's well-being.

“and I know her husband well and it would be like, divorce, fear, and I'm like, they're fucking fine.”

Listener's Message Introduction

28:01 to 28:30

A listener shares a funny story about Chris Ramsey.

“And I had to write in to tell you a funny story about how we all thought Chris had died.”

The 'Death' Misunderstanding

28:31 to 31:24

The listener recounts a humorous incident where friends thought Chris had died.

“And we've all been friends since our teenage years now in our 40s.”
Show all 18 chapters

Reactions to the 'News'

31:25 to 31:42

Chris and Rosie react to the listener's story about the panic caused by the misunderstanding.

Cuckolding Discussion

31:43 to 33:51

Chris and Rosie discuss the concept of cuckolding and share a peculiar story about a man named Randy.

“On a recent episode, I think it was your PKMA ep with Alice Levine, you discussed email about cook holding.”

The Cucumber Incident

33:52 to 38:42

A nurse shares a bizarre story about a patient who got a cucumber stuck, leading to humorous analysis.

“if you want to if you want to listen to the dark side of swinging have a listen to that okay anyway listen I'm not sure about Randy's age but I wouldn't say he's any more than 15 years younger than my granddad, if that.”

Discussion on Bedroom Choices

38:43 to 41:40

Chris and Rosie discuss various intimate choices and the implications of using food items.

“After chatting with the doctor in charge, I told him he had two options.”

Wrap-up and Final Thoughts

41:41 to 42:00

Chris and Rosie conclude their discussion with humorous reflections on the stories shared.

“the gay community would beg to differ the things up your arse are actually quite nice.”

Cucumber Tales and Hospital Humor

42:00 to 43:30

A humorous exploration of unconventional cucumber usage and medical anecdotes.

“There's no other stuff he could have done instead of a cucumber.”

Tube Etiquette and Roofer Skills

43:30 to 45:26

Discussion on public transport behavior and admiration for skilled roofers.

“Someone was gripping the handle like as if they were going to fall over at any moment.”

Closing Remarks and Tour Promotion

45:26 to 46:31

Final thoughts, appreciation for listeners, and promotion of a comedy tour.

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Transcript

Automatic transcript. May contain errors.

0:00Coming up on this week's episode of Shagged, Married, Annoyed.

0:02Rosie Ramsey:I'm going to be talking about my period app. Very excited for that. Supermarket queues. Rosie names her new podcast. Don't, it's not real. Doesn't exist yet. Ah, you'll do it one day. Chris has got a new catchphrase and an apology. I genuinely can't believe it's took you this long to hate this catchphrase so much. I've got away with murder. As always, we've got beefs, questions, icks and reverse icks. Enjoy!

0:27that's the sound of zero sugar 200 milligrams of caffeine and the power to burn body fat storm energy for life storm energy blend helps boost metabolism which in combination with exercise and a healthy diet helps burn fat this product alone does not produce weight loss

0:39Rosie Ramsey:individual results may vary hello you are listening and possibly watching shag mary you better be you better be you better be it's fine you look look you consume this however you want to consume it i'm not bothered at all if you are we're waving at you now if you're watching it if you do watch it please subscribe on YouTube and if you do listen just bloody people who are watching it I get a lot of messages saying people actually enjoy watching it yeah because you get to see the facial expressions and all that kind of stuff and you put a lot of work into this studio behind us I did you did all of this I'm more of a listener me you know just because I like to listen to a podcast while I'm doing loads of other stuff I know what you mean there's too many things to watch at the minute like there's too much it's crazy I can't I just don't have telly is good at the minute isn't it so good so good tiptoe.

1:24Tiptoe was great.

1:25Rosie Ramsey:Hey! Great. So good. We need to watch next. But I don't think you're ready for it. I fucking do. Is this reverse psychology? No, it's a sin. You haven't seen it. I've seen it. Well, I'll definitely watch it. No, you're going to cry. Hold on. Is this a spunky bath? Is this where he drinks a spunk out of the bath? No, that's salt burn. You're all right for that. Right, okay. I mean, you can watch it if you want. It is good. I just, if I start watching people drinking spunk out of baths, it's going to take the fun out of my hobby. which is drinking and smoke out the bath. There's just, I can't watch and other people living my dream.

1:58Rosie Ramsey:He also shags the grave, which is awful. He wasn't shagging. So he took it, he listened to the song Kissed by a Rose on the Grave and he took it to the next level and he shagged the grave. God, that's a good song. I think it's grey. Kissed by a rose on the grave. Ooh, you're wondering when I'm at an angel of fears, yeah. You sound like fucking Vic Reeves. You sound like Vic Reeves in Shooting Stars. and he has a song doing the style of a 1950s club singer. He did beat it. For 10 points, for 10 Chris points, listen, for 10 Chris points, play along at home. What movie was that the title soundtrack of?

2:41You got five seconds left. What years?

2:43Rosie Ramsey:90s. You got five seconds left. 80s? 90s? You've still got five seconds left. No, hang on. Crow. The Crow? No, close. Very close. Ooh. No. Edward Scissorhands? No. Don't know. It was Kissed by Rose on the Grey, the Johnny Depp film. I'm kidding, it was Batman Forever. Batman Forever. Right, apologies to everybody already. Chris is in one of them really fucking irritating moods where he just tries to make a joke out of everything. Excuse me, everyone, I'm luteal. I am luteal. No, I'm luteal. I'll thank you to not bother me because I'm luteal. I'm luteal, so don't you do it. You don't even know what it means.

3:16I do know what it means. We were coming upstairs and I went to give you a cuddle and you went, don't touch us, I'm luteal.

3:20Rosie Ramsey:No, we weren't coming up the stairs because he's in one of them horrible, awful, tries to be funny moods. He was chasing me up the stairs trying to touch my legs and I said, I don't want to be touched. I'm luteal. Yeah, and then I said, what does luteal mean? And you said... I don't really fully know what it means, but it's like a part of... Just throw it around. I'm due on next week. And I think the week before is luteal. Can I give you a compliment first? You can always give me a compliment, but when I'm luteal, I won't take it well. I was walking behind you up the stairs. Oh, I've just snotted.

3:45Great. I was walking behind, in spite of the snot, I was walking behind you up the stairs and your bum looked fantastic. so in my opinion you're booty ill

3:52Rosie Ramsey:you're right that's great thank you I need to tell you this just going to cut this short now I'm going to head off you can just finish up the podcast I think I've peaked I don't think I can get better than that I you know my flow app which I told you about I just ignored everything you said for the last five seconds sometimes sometimes it crops up every time you go on it listen every time you go on it she ignored that as well you was all listening I don't have to listen I said five years go on stop looking at me tits you just looked at my tits I didn't I caught you. You did. I looked at the microphone, but fair enough.

4:22I look at your tits when I want. They're my tits. I paid good money for them tits. You paid nothing for these tits.

4:29Rosie Ramsey:Listen, sometimes it asks you, oh, this was at 10 past two in the morning. Your flow app asked you a question at 10 past two in the morning. It kind of like comes up sometimes with like, how are you feeling? And I normally don't say anything. And it's stupid. I pay for this app and it's just like tells us when I'm due on. The woman used to slag me off for getting the thing that you talk to on the phone. I'm not going to say its name because we've got fucking a million Apple things in the room and it'll kick off. It used to tell me off for setting alarms on it. Now you're not only setting alarms every three seconds on yours and using it for everything, get to delete things and put things in your calendar.

4:57Now you're having a full-on relationship with your Flow app.

4:59Rosie Ramsey:You're pathetic. Well, my Flow app doesn't give a shit. Listen, got it. Log your symptoms and moods now to track your health patterns. First, select your symptoms. So it was like, select your symptoms, how do you feel? So I put insomnia because I was up at 10 past two. Now select your moods. I put anxious and feeling guilty. That's just how I felt at that time, right? and then do you know what its reply was cool story bro no to me saying anxious and feeling guilty you went today we'll chat about vaginal discharge so I put okay doesn't give a shit flaunting itself as an app that cares how you feel during your period it couldn't give just totally right great you feel anxious and guilty let's talk about your vag discharge oh you feel anxious and you feel guilty wow anxious and guilty today we'll talk about vaginal discharge So then you said okay.

5:49Sorry.

5:49Rosie Ramsey:Well, I meant okay as I'm like, okay. And then I turned it off. Then it said your vaginal discharge can change during the luteal phase of your cycle because the hormones present.

6:01Rosie Ramsey:Oh, God. Progesterone? No. Proclaimers. I will walk 500 vaginas. You should know this word. Your vaginal discharge can change during the luteal phase of your cycle because the hormones progesterone? There it is. No. So progesterone and estrogen fluctuate. Of course they do. Mine's at the rock bottom. Brilliant. Right. Well, that was all horrible. And I've shaved my bikini line, so I've got an itchy vag. Anything else you want to? No. No? But how rude is that? Oh, you're anxious and feeling guilty. Let's talk about discharge. You know what'll cheer you up? Is it AI? You know what'll cheer you up?

6:43A nice little chin wag about discharge. Get a cover. Let's have a little... Forget about the anxiety. Let's talk about your fanny juice. Discharge. Listen, this episode is sponsored by Fanny Juice. No. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for watching. If you are, like I say, if you can subscribe on YouTube, that would be amazing. Still fucking miles away from that 100 ,000 subscribers plaque. We're millennials.

7:03Rosie Ramsey:We're never going to get... We're getting quicker. We're getting closer. We're not going to get them. You don't even have to watch it. Just fucking subscribe and we'll get the plaque and it'll be... You know, my children will be impressed by us for once. Thank you for listening. And if you do, listen on your podcast apps, subscribe and all that stuff and like and rate and all that. Thank you so much. Thank you for being here. And without further ado, it's time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. Can't believe you still do this. This week's podcast. Still got to do it. Seven years. We're well past throw enough shit and some sticks.

7:27We're well past it. But now and then I say something. Basically, right? It turned out at first I was doing joky sponsors. I'm sure I picked the sun and, you know, breathing and stuff. Air, water, stuff like that. You know, the big four. And then it's... Captain Planet. Then it's moved on. then it's moved on just little things that I see where I think I've noticed something that's a bit of stand up that won't be stand up that isn't good enough to be stand up so I just

7:51Rosie Ramsey:oh yeah then just do it on our podcast why not I'll just shovel it in here just you know just to make the time up listen it is this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor is the fury of shoppers having a queue when there's only one checkout on yeah oh hey oh Rosie I've got something to tell you I'm gonna no but I'm gonna just put it write it down because I'll forget is it on that topic. Yeah, it's about supermarkets. Go for it. Do you not want to finish your... Listen, I don't want to interrupt. Listen, you already have. Professionalism. No, this is different. So now and then when I get sent to sponsors, some of them are scripted, some of them are just little thoughts.

8:26All I'm saying is, the other day, I was in a queue, right? I was about the fourth one in the queue, and then it got to the point where you can tell people are freaking out because you had a queue down the aisle. So people are like halfway down the aisle, and people are coming to queue, and they're going, oh, now the queue's down there, and they're going down the aisle.

8:38Rosie Ramsey:But then you've got to leave a bit of space for the path, so you've got to go stand in the thing and then you're like have a guess how many people joined the queue and said it's only one as if there's only one till on i'm gonna have a guess how many okay i'm also gonna tell you what supermarket it was right don't ruin it don't go like a million or a hundred thousand people or something stupid i'm not a dick right like you because obviously it wasn't busy enough to have more than one till on it was quite quiet very close it was seven seven people seven people and i was laughing and it was the big tesco at sundland wasn't it the big tesco at sundland told you it the big Tesco at some point.

9:12Every single... I mean, they put another till on immediately. It was written that seven lots of people... It's bloody ridiculous, isn't it? What, you're fucking shopping during the day? You're retired. You've got nothing to do. Shut up.

9:23Rosie Ramsey:I love a whinge. That big Tesco is so big that I think they underestimate how many people are in the shop at one time. Good point. And then they're like, eh? And you go, yeah, it's massive. It's a beast of a Tesco. It used to be a bowling alley. It did? oh god I miss it I went as a bolden just to name another supermodel we're going to the mall we don't other supermodel are available oh I've got them all I've got the nectars I've got the Tesco club cards we're going to the mall go to the mall one stop even gets a bloody look in I do I go everywhere me there's a premiere I go to to change me kegs oh the kids love what the fuck is that premiere beer kegs why do the kids love that premiere so much as it got good sweets yeah so they sell local cakes made by a local shop for local people local people they love that every time we come home from school, they're like, I'm going to go to the Premier.

10:10That was the one where Robin was like, there's a new Premier open? As if it was a fucking nightclub.

10:16Rosie Ramsey:So I was at Asda bowling the other day and I only bought a few things. So I didn't have a basket or anything. And it was all the self-serving things. I had about four items and I kept putting them down and it was like, take unexpected bag. And I was just, I was kicking off. I went on six different tills. You're such a fucking, you shit itself. I went on six different tills. Nobody was coming. and I was just like, because normally when I go to Asda, I do a big shop and I do the gun, the shop and go. So it's been a long time since I've used the scales. The scanner? The shop and go. I do that. So then it's a different till.

10:51The gun and shop and go is Robin the place, but carry on.

10:53Rosie Ramsey:Well, there you go. I don't do that. So no, so it turns out and it was Robin who ended up telling us six times. Yeah. I'd put me stuff on the wrong side of the till. So I'd put them on the scales. And you know when you're like, I hate people who can't do self-checkout. Asda, it wasn't clear enough. It didn't say basket here. And I'm not being stupid. I'm not thick. Really? I'm not. Okay. All right, then. All right. In the South Tyneside area, I'm not the thickest person who lives here. Okay. So how's everyone else doing it? So it used to be a lot easier to work out when they used to hang the bags next to the bit where you're supposed to bag.

11:38But if you notice now, the bags aren't hanging there. There was no bags. Because the people are nicking them and not declaring their bags and now you've got to ask the man for a bag. Or a woman. Sexist pig. It's always a man. I refuse to ask the woman. I have to. It has to be the man.

11:50Rosie Ramsey:Oh my God, shut up. You need to stop saying things like that. I'm totally joking. I obviously said it wrong. I'm taking the piss. All right, but you know, if it's a ship, then I'll go down with you. Won't we go down together? Actually, I don't want to do this anymore. Should we just cancel ourselves? You just said you're clever I never said I was clever. I said I'm not the thickest person in South Tate State. And you just said a bunch of words muddled together there that if anyone listening, go back and try and make sense of whatever the fuck that going down with the ship sentence was. That was gobbledygook.

12:17Rosie Ramsey:I will go down with this ship. Listen. And I will put my hands on. Can you remember, just before we start, Rosie, can you remember, just before we started this podcast, we said let's do a short intro. We said let's do a short episode today because we've got shit to do, but here we are. 12 and a half minutes later. I did say 11.11, by the way. You're getting your value for money, so don't worry about that. You saw 11-11? I saw 11-11. Oh, well, there we go. Anyone who watches the podcast will know that I often dot my eyes off because I can see the time and I always look for 11-11 and then I look for 22-22.

12:48That's not 11-11. That was just one minute, 11 seconds. Doesn't matter, wait. 11 minutes, 11 seconds.

12:53Rosie Ramsey:It's been on already. Brilliant. You've missed it. It's been 11 minutes and 11 seconds. No wonder you're not listening. You're looking at the fucking timer to see 111. You're ill. You're ill. You are ill. I'm not. I'm just... really gifted. Brilliant. The angels are looking down on me. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jing-go. So this is the jingle. Jing-go. We hope you like the jingle. Jing-go. Bab-a-do, bab-a-do, bab-a-do, ba. Jing-go. Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagmory Noted. I'm going to take a breath. Right. And I'm going to calm down because I feel like we're talking over each other.

13:28It's because we're both luteal. Luteal?

13:31Rosie Ramsey:You can't say that, you're luteal. I can see that. It's like you can't, you're not allowed. Why not? Because you're a man. You don't have a womb. Right. You're not luteal. Maybe I'm doing it, you know, like a sympathy luteal. Maybe I'm sympathetically luteal. You can't not like, no, you can't not. Do you remember that time? I can't believe I actually stayed in the podcast when you were literally like, I've got PMS. Because I was synchronising me. I do, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm an empath. That's the problem you see. Chris, I can tell you right now. You are not an empath. I couldn't give two fucks about it.

14:00You're not an empath. Listen. Yes. so the it's been I can't believe it's took you this long to flag this on the podcast my favourite catchphrase are you for I hate it it's terrible I think no because I've never

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14:13Rosie Ramsey:I've never slagged it off too much because I think you and your mates do it we do it all the time and I think it's okay listen let me open this up yeah it's shit crack yeah it is it is the most unfunny thing I've ever heard in my entire life but I know yous all do it and I didn't want to insult anyone okay it should be embarrassed because you professionally you just got paid for your last tour did I fuck keep going keep talking I'll show you how I'll show you how adaptable it is for every single scenario it's awful it's the worst crack ever you just got paid and you did alright honestly congratulations thank you thank you book it in again oh you have okay well next one's in September do another one in a couple years because that's nice right you should be ashamed of yourself should I fuck I hate it it's good fun though so the thing is you can just throw it everywhere, right?

15:02It's not funny. I try not to do it too much to you. I'll be honest with you, Rosie. Me and the lads do it just to annoy each other, right? So it'll literally be like, you know, we're just talking. It's just like blokes just shit on each other for no reason. I don't have this with my friends. I don't understand. Blokes have it. You've got two sons and they're going to do it with their friends as well. But it'll literally be like, hey, I've got to promote to work today. Did you? Fuck. Like, it's just like a, it's just fun, right? I know it's shit crack. I know it is, but it's fun, right?

15:29Rosie Ramsey:Okay, just keep it to your friends. Right, well, here's the problem. That's what I find upsetting. So here's the problem. I have to issue an apology. And I haven't told you this. I forgot to say it the other day. When I was on a stag do in Dublin, me and Jordan, being at a pub, I think the rest of them went back to their lodgings to get changed, and we stayed in the pub a bit longer. And then we went to meet them at the place near where the lodgings was. I say lodgings because they stayed in student halls, they're fucking psychopaths. And we walked around the corner, right? And I was, you're just putting lip stuff on while we're talking.

15:57Rosie Ramsey:I'm listening. All right, okay. Eh? I can do it while I'm listening. Chris, I can do it while I'm driving. I can do it while I'm listening to you. Do it while you're driving. Don't say that on here. Do a fork. See? Yes. I was doing a drink. I got so excited. So I walked around the corner, right? Yeah. And I was pissed, right? I was walking around in the sunshine and me glasses on me, mate. So I was pissed. And we walked past these people and they were sort of standing in a doorway and one of them was like a lady and she looked and she went she went E! E my god! You? You? And I looked she went you're you're famous?

16:37All together what did I say? I'm a fuck and I kept walking and my mate Jordan was dying and then I spent the rest of the day with full on full on anxiety so I apologise to that lady if she listens you can't listen though because you're saying you're famous so you've got no fucking clue who I am but why did you do that? why have you done that it's just it's just fun

16:59Rosie Ramsey:like I've had anxiety for the rest of the day for it good yeah but if you know that lady I apologise but it was it was funny I did enjoy it ah yeah just dead just slot in your life just say I'm a fuck are you fuck is it fuck did the fuck it's just really it's like aggressive yeah it's shite isn't it it's really shite it's really shit yeah don't do it to me ever again I try not sometimes it slips out and I realise and I go oh because you hate it face when you do it you've told us before you've been like shut the fuck up it's the worst i hate it i hate it it makes us not fancy it at all like i literally go no genuinely it makes us go i've married the man who just keeps saying this and it's fucking awful i know but then that's marriage though isn't it i can't pick certainly it can't be perfect no listen i've compromised do you want to talk about vaginal discharge i'd always talk about vaginal discharge i've told you i want to do a period about i want to do a period i want to do a podcast about periods i'll talk about vagina i want i've told you i want to do a podcast about periods and true crime yeah it is what if there was ones where and real housewives what about some true crime where they catch them because they're on their period that's never the woman is it it's always a man i mean no they're written no i mean sometimes the women crimes are worse during that netflix documentary when she was just trolling her daughter like oh yeah she was good she was good crack oh yeah no listen yeah some women are minging i just watched another documentary about a woman who killed and stole a baby and also killed the baby from a pregnant woman yeah see chris you've got no idea what goes on yeah pretend that she was pregnant lasted 10 months by the way she just couldn't she was literally like what am i gonna do uh the husband never like asked to say her stomach all of his family were like she is not pregnant like what's going on and then she stole someone's baby literally cut it out of her on the kitchen on the kitchen floor so women are also awful she's on death row you told me about this i remember because she wasn't shown at all but she told her husband she was pregnant do you know what he said are you for

19:11Rosie Ramsey:and this is why you'll never get invited on my new podcast

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21:44Rosie Ramsey:I may have come up with a name for my new podcast. Just while we were babadoo babadoo babbing and there was probably a few adverts on. So it's going to be about like true crime, periods, real housewives, like makeup, maybe it's a bit of fitness advice, clothes and stuff. Like just stuff that I, basically just everything. Food, drink, blood, sweat and tears. That's really good. Yeah, that's really good. Yeah. Yeah. I've got shit to do. So I'll just... Just get Jason in on something. Get called. Get called Jason in. They're already doing their own podcast. They're doing their own. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

22:21Rosie Ramsey:They might let you join in. I haven't been invited to play. I haven't been invited to play. No, I'll finish this. You'll finish this one. I'll finish this one. Okay, put your laptop back down. I've got to send some emails. I've got to get some guests. No tiddlers allowed. I would have to let them in at some point. Yeah. Blood, sweat and tears with Rosie Ramsey. Does anyone ever get shot in the ones that you, in the podcast that you listen to? What do you mean? Do they ever get shot in the murder crime podcast? Lord, why? What are you talking about? So the thing you put in a gun is called a magazine, like a mag.

22:49Rosie Ramsey:Oh yeah. So I think you should call it because it's going to be about housewives, murder podcasts and periods. Yeah. I think you should call it Wags, Mags and Rags. Mags, Wags and Rags. wags mags and rags yeah but not any nobody else knows that they're called magazines mags and i'm not promoting magazines like gossip magazines oh my god holly willoughby right yeah who are holly willoughby the woman hasn't been on telly for a while right right you know got on the front of that fucking every magazine i was like what eh make it make sense it's fucking their magazines are insane. I remember every week.

23:27Rosie Ramsey:It was like Holly, Holly's going through, and I didn't even read it. It was just like woes and I thought, Jesus, leave the woman alone. Like, what the fuck? I used to put her on the front of, when I was like doing Sleppy Juice and I knew her, would see her nearly every week and I know her husband well and it would be like, divorce, fear, and I'm like, they're fucking fine. I saw them the other day. It's, there's such a load of bollocks. It's insane. Crazy. Insane. It's time for Whatcha Be. What a beef, what a beef. Beef, beef, beef, beef. My fingers are still hurting, I'll be honest with you. Right, ladies first.

24:01Rosie Ramsey:Why? Why is my fingers hurting? I went first last time. Okay, I'll go first. You go first. You told our child, Robin, and all of his friends the other night while we're having a meal, inadvertently, that you used to smoke. I did. Because you were loudly busy telling our friend's 14 or 15-year-old daughter that she shouldn't smoke, that she shouldn't vape ever, she might as well just smoke. Yeah. In my head, it sounded like good advice. Yeah, no, it wasn't. No, it wasn't. So that was all happening. You were telling a 14-year-old to take up smoking, even though she is not considering vaping or smoking, which is great.

24:40Rosie Ramsey:She said that so much. She was just talking about vaping and how young kids vape. And I was like, I've heard so many bad things about vaping. I literally was like, don't vape, just smoke. Yeah. If you're going to do either, smoke but obviously don't smoke because it's vile. So the point being she wasn't considering either but you just told her smoke and then you loudly declared at the entire table in the restaurant I used to smoke and our son looked up from his menu or whatever and went, mum you used to smoke. So that was just the kind of thing that I would be strung up for but I just left it.

25:09Well, honesty is

25:10Rosie Ramsey:the best policy. Right, what's your beef then? Okay, my beef with you and it's pretty obvious but it's getting out of hand and people who've been listening to this podcast for a long time will know that this is Chris's personality, but sometimes... I'm just going to whet me whistle so I can deal with this adequately. There's no water in that. It's just vaginal discharge. It wouldn't go up the straw. I don't know how I found enough to fill a Stanley, but there you go. Right. You just constantly need us to watch you do things. The other day... Explain yourself. The other day you took a handful of tablets.

25:48Rosie Ramsey:You had about five tablets. And you were like, Rosie, look, look, look. Sorry, guys. and you just took all your tablets it was all my supplements by the way I wasn't fucking I wasn't Jesus I sat so much the other day he took a handful of tablets we were like Lucy look I'm not looking just do it get it over with just fuck off already it was it was your supplements it was my supplements can I tell everyone I took them right sometimes I do it dry no see this is what I mean no why nobody gets dead impressive three creatine which are fucking massive they're like little bars of soap are you taking creatine I'm right I'm taking creatine and you know a friend of ours the other day said that I look really good Creatine.

26:23Take creatine. Three creatine. Two cod liver oil. Two vitamin D. And two collagen. Boom. All in one gorgeous. Why two collagen?

26:33Rosie Ramsey:Why two? You don't need two. Because you take one and I want to look prettier. Honestly, crack the fuck on. Take everything you want because honestly, you're going to come a cropper. I'm bigger than you. So if you take one, I'll take two. You're such a... Anyone you can take, I can take two of. I can take two of more things than you. Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Don't start singing in the middle theatre because I will sing you over. No, it's just the way that you need to be watched. It's everything. Rosie, look. Look at this, Rosie. It's like, genuinely, I've got three kids.

27:09Rosie Ramsey:Everyone's like, would you ever have another kid? And I always go, no, I just, no, I don't want it. And I think, what, what? And let Chris be left out. How could he survive? You would be taking real tablets then. If I didn't look at you. I also take ibuprofen with no water, just straight in dry. So don't act like you're not impressed. Everyone listening, I know you're impressed. I know everyone's impressed. I think people who can take dry tablets have got psychopath tendencies. Guilty. Yeah, I do. I think you're a bit of a nutter if you take just dry tablets. It wouldn't even cross my mind. Sometimes you can't be arsed to go and get a glass of water.

27:43Rosie Ramsey:That is a tendency of it, isn't it? What, not being arsed to get water? Just weird, just weird. Okay. Just take your two seconds Watch your back Watch your back Babadoo babadoo babadoo It's time for Questions from the public Questions from the public Public Public You did it right Thank you very much As always if you'd like To get in touch At shagbar.gmail.com Or if you'd like to send A voice note It is 07874406650 Getting that number Tattooed on myself At some point So I don't have to Keep up Okay Hi Rosie and Chris Hi I've just listened To this week's pod Where Chris was talking About going on the stag dude At Dublin Yes, Bean.

28:21Rosie Ramsey:And I had to write in to tell you a funny story about how we all thought Chris had died. What? In brackets, we are from and are living in Dublin. What? Listen to this. On Friday of last week, this was the Friday Chris would have been in Dublin on the stag do, so a couple of weeks ago, me and my partner were sitting out in our back garden after finishing work, enjoying the lovely sunshine with a cold beer in hand, when all of a sudden my friend Eleanor messaged into my girls' group, Did anyone hear Chris Ramsey just passed away? There are six of us in this group chat. What the hell? And we've all been friends since our teenage years now in our 40s.

29:01Rosie Ramsey:Q, 10 minutes of us Googling frantically to see if there was anything on any of the news websites about Chris's passing. My sister lives in the Midlands in the UK, so I was even messaging her to see if she'd heard anything over there. She was shocked. Odds. Oh, I'm quite touched that they were all checking and not just like, oh, who? Oh, good. Some people think you're all right. Or the just nosy fuckers. What a fucking compliment. Some people think you're all right. They hadn't heard anything either. She also started Googling and trolling the news websites. We were even looking at Rosie's Instagram and we noticed she hadn't posted in five hours.

29:44Fuck it now. Got problems much?

29:48Rosie Ramsey:we were like what the fuck this better not be true after a panicked 10 minutes or so we found nothing so we asked eleanor are you sure where did you hear this she replied and said her cousin had texted her the news and that she would ring her now to find out what she heard a few minutes later the following messages appears now our group chat oh i'm an idiot she passed chris in the street

30:16we see the woman I showed up when I'm a fuck too he's fucking dead to me him

30:21Rosie Ramsey:do you feel like it's all coming together maybe this was the woman hey you're famous you I'm a fuck right prick you're dead to me hey I'm just bumped into that Chris Ramsey what a prick dead to me oh he's dead no I passed him in the street he was an arsehole yeah and I'm not an arsehole I'm nice but I was too listen just to go back to the I'm a fuck thing I was too pissed if she'd said he Chris Ramsey I'm a big fan I'd have been fine but you're famous I'm fucking six or seven pints of Guinness deep I'm not going over to play a game of this is your life I can't I just so I just had to leave I can't do that because they go but you know sometimes where do I know you from and then you've got to read your CV out and they go it's none of them and you go I'm six Guinness deep man please I know but I'm crippled with kindness and Catholic guilt so you know I could be a proper Catholic hour there as well exactly I could be four bottles of wine deep and I'd have a 20 minute conversation with her but that's just me you're not like that anyway it all makes sense now that we know Chris was over here in Dublin on his stag poor Eleanor had misunderstood him passing by with passing away fantastic so there you go we're all very happy that Chris passed Eleanor's cousin in the street and is still very much alive brilliant can I just say from the bottom of my heart thank you so much the fact that I could cry the fact that they were all like frantically googling and making sure I was okay is so nice thank you I know but so did people when they thought that Jeffrey Epstein was like dead in prison so I wouldn't people are just curious yeah fair enough yeah wow i don't think it's like a will love you thing i think it's just like fuck is he dead yeah you know what i mean even bad people people want to know if they're dead you know what i mean

31:58she were dead very good all right listen to this right see what you think of this

32:03Rosie Ramsey:hi rosie and chris please keep me anonymous i don't think anyone involved would listen but just in case. On a recent episode, I think it was your PKMA ep with Alice Levine, you discussed email about cook holding. Yes. Do you know where that come from? No. Okay, I'll tell you right now because I've got it on a note. Me mom told us that when we were in Verona, there was a cuckoo bird. You could hear a cuckoo bird and apparently that's where it comes from because cuckoos would steal the eggs out of other nests. They steal nests as well, don't they? Yeah, so they would like sit and watch. So that's where like Cook Holden comes from.

32:40Rosie Ramsey:Right. Apparently. Okay. I might be wrong. Well, I'm not going to Google it, so. And it made me think of my granddad's friend. What the fuck is going on here? Cook Holden. Let's call him Randy. For anyone. Let's call him Randy. No, it's very upsetting.

32:59She's done that on purpose. That's fantastic. I don't know.

33:01Rosie Ramsey:But for anyone listening who doesn't know what Cook Holden is, it's when there's like a person who sits in the corner, usually a man watching while... Usually the husband or the partner of the man watching while a stranger or someone... I don't know, like... Well, it does happen. I know for a fact it happens. Again, a mate of mine told us about a man who... Just if this is your first episode, just a little tidbit for you. A man who gets people around to have sex with his wife on the bed. He climbs into the wardrobe. In the wardrobe, there is a little stool. He stands on the stool, puts his head through a hole in the top of the wardrobe.

33:32on top of said wardrobe is affixed to the wardrobe a bicycle helmet motorbike helmet hence he is nicknamed The Stig just great it's just awful just the gift that keeps on giving

33:43Rosie Ramsey:I'm going to kill comedy a little bit here but only momentarily great I've just listened to a really good podcast by BBC Sounds called Swingers if you want to if you want to listen to the dark side of swinging have a listen to that okay anyway listen I'm not sure about Randy's age but I wouldn't say he's any more than 15 years younger than my granddad, if that. My granddad will be 79 this year. Cool. Randy is flown out to Spain every year to shag his mate's wife while his mate watches. Every year? This guy, the guy who is wanting Randy to come and shag his wife, pays for his flights and accommodation and takes photo of the two of the mid-shag, which I have seen.

34:27Not that Randy if it's only once a year, is he?

34:29Rosie Ramsey:he's in some of them also naked sitting to the side I assume they have sort of a tripod set up and others it's just Randy and this guy's wife they all seem quite happy and the backgrounds are usually quite picturesque but I could have quite happily lived out the rest of my days without these images and they've scarred in my brain more questions than answers again so many questions one why has this fucking pervert showed you the picture don't like that he's showing people that picture feels a bit gross that that picture has been shown around a bit upset that you know this this doesn't seem like something I would want anyone to know but he's obviously proud of it they need to get a new guy they need to get a new guy because this guy's telling people yeah again I just can't get me head around it who pays for the flight?

35:18the guy who's it's an all expensive paid trip all expenses paid trip to Shaggy's can you imagine getting there and going he has me receipt for the taxi by the way I got a taxi at the airport, mate. It might be a business. You're all right, holding that money back in my bank. Yeah, yeah, no problem, yeah.

35:32Rosie Ramsey:He's a prostitute. Yeah, he's a prostitute. That's what I'd say to him. I'd say, you are a prostitute. Randy, you're a prostitute. Yeah. How many other wives is he doing this to, do you think? It might be a business. Bloody hell. I just, I just wanted to think he's ever sat on the plane and someone said, where are you off to? And he's gone, well, I'm going to such and such. Oh, right, you've been before. I go every year. Just on your own? Well, sort of. You're five questions away from him telling you. I hate him. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Please keep me anonymous. I am a nurse and have been qualified for almost five years.

36:13Congratulations.

36:16Rosie Ramsey:So that means I was doing my training during the C word time. Ah, okay. One of my last placements. Confessed. Yep, was in the busy A &E department. One night shift, we had a particularly traumatizing night in Rhesus. So the night after the charge nurse let me work in triage with my mentor. As a third year student and therefore qualifying in a few months, I was only being observed. I looked at the computer and read the patient's complaint. Foreign body in rectum. Rectum. Foreign body in rectum. Ding, ding, ding, ding. What do we have for a journey? Welcome back. Yeah. Welcome back. It's been a while.

36:51Great. It's been a while.

36:52Rosie Ramsey:the four words that will make any nurse wake up and start guessing. I went to the waiting room which was quite quiet but there was one man standing. Of course he was. I wonder who my patient was. I called him in.

37:12It was one man squatting and leaning against the vending machine and crying.

37:17Rosie Ramsey:I called him in and saw him try to not waddle. I don't know, Waddle. When he got in, I asked what he was in for tonight. He said, I'm not going to like you, son. I was having a wank and got carried away. Oh, well, do you know what? I commend your honesty, sir. I commend it. This person said, praise for his honesty. Thank you. Yep. I asked what it was and it turned out to be... Oh, so getting carried... Okay, getting carried away. Cliché. Yeah, but so getting carried away, for me, means it's not something planned. You know, it's not like, oh, it was me thing that I always stick up there. He just grabbed something close by.

37:57Because the C word has been mentioned, I am going to say it's a bottle of hand sanitizer.

38:04Rosie Ramsey:No, it's not. It's a cucumber. Oh! Just old school. Wanking in the kitchen then. Did the job. Well, he might have took her to another room. Yeah, but I was wanking and I got carried away. So, like, I'm saying that implies to me, like, you went and got, but he's literally got the produce. You know. Poor cucumber. Cleverest one. They come in their own condom, don't they? They've got the plastic on them. Well, okay. Give it a wipe. Not all of them do. You can buy them raw now. Right. They're all raw, but fuck me. Can you cook? You can't cook cucumber. Just water would disappear. I don't think you meant...

38:37I've never cooked cucumber. You can't cook. No.

38:39Rosie Ramsey:Upon examination, I saw a clear thing sticking out. He had kindly wrapped it in a condom. Oh, there we go. For ease, I imagine. You don't want any cucumber babies. Give birth to little pickles. Oh, my God. I love the little pickle baby. After chatting with the doctor in charge, I told him he had two options. Take him to theatre and put him to sleep. Or make a salad.

39:02You've got two options, mate. Chicken salad or ham salad. There's your options.

39:07Rosie Ramsey:Or take him to resource area, give him a little muscle relaxant and just pull. He chose the latter, stating that his wife didn't know he was there. Brilliant, of course I didn't. She's at home trying to make the dinner. She's had to pop back out. If you, if I got a phone call telling me that you had a cucumber stuck up your arse because you are having an exotic wank, I would be so annoyed. Yeah. I literally would be like, nah. That would be the end of us, I think. I do believe that would be the end. Oh. I mean, you can't leave someone for wanking with a cucumber. I don't know if that's grounds for, but I would just be like, are you fucking, are you kidding me?

39:52I just, I don't think.

39:55Rosie Ramsey:Get in the car. I just, had he tried a hot bath? Had he tried to like, honestly, stick a fork in you and pull? Like, Oh God, woman. Do you know what I mean though? Jesus Christ, I was nearly sitting there. It's poking out a bit. Is it poking out a bit? How far did he put it in? How slippy are his hands? There's so many questions. How did it, how did, how did, so it must, right, okay, Okay, so, right, okay, let's get into this as it will, right? There must be some sticking out because they've said muscle relaxant and pull. They said there's a little bit popping out. Right, okay. So, yeah, I'm just, all I'm saying is...

40:27So upset. Hot bath. Get a hot bath, right? Hot bath, loads of soap. Bloody loads of soap. Try for a poo. Yeah. Like, what's happened? Why have you gone to the hospital? I don't understand. I understand if it's disappeared. We've all put a suppository up. Suppositories are that big. They're the size of a little bullet. Yeah, but there's that moment, isn't it? There's the moment where you put... But the men do. Yes, but there's a moment in it where your bum goes, no, no, no, no, gizzard, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

40:50Rosie Ramsey:So, yeah, I... I would just be like, oh, you... I just couldn't. I don't want to get too dark here, but I would probably just go jump in front of a tree if I couldn't get it out. That's really grim. Because I couldn't jump off the cliffs because it would be, oh, you were found at the bottom. By the way, there's a cucumber resource. Do you think someone put that there when they found his body or do you think that was already there? I'd have to get disintegrated into a million pieces so no one ever found out. Well, here's a question, or here's a solution, okay? if you as a man have worked out that you like things up your anus couldn't think anything worse carry on well that's you personally though I'm just stating it okay then buy things there is things you can buy buy a dildo yeah but that's the worry the secretiveness of it it's like I'm only buying a cucumber like you know what I mean you can't you can't apparently listen there's a full the gay community would beg to differ the things up your arse are actually quite nice.

41:46Right.

41:46Rosie Ramsey:So he's obviously enjoying himself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm not saying it's not that. Okay. You know, causes for causes each to their own. Like, I'm just saying, no thanks. Especially not a cucumber. Jesus. I think carrot would be better. Harder, like stiffer. Who are cucumbers? They get it. Fucking big, big way to start. Like, big way to start. Have you tried a finger? Yeah. He's not with a cucumber. Fucking massive. I know. There's no other stuff he could have done instead of a cucumber. He could have used a spatula and then at least the bit on the end wouldn't have sucked up. Do you know what I mean?

42:22Rosie Ramsey:Something. Guys, use something with a wide base. Use something with a wide base. Thank you for coming to me, Ted Talk. Yeah. We're just trying to help you out. Anyway, do you want to find out what happened? He died, I think. A cucumber the length of my forearm. Shut. See? See? See? This is not his first rodeo. No, that's my... He's been doing this for years. Oh, absolutely. Oh, my God. And then do you think He watches his family eat the cucumbers and be like... Oh, God, we've gone dark. Oh, we've gone dark. Oh, we've gone really dark. We've gone dark. No cucumber for me, love. Just a cucumber.

42:52Rosie Ramsey:Oh, no, he's allergic to cucumber. Can't eat it. Never had it in his life. Orally. Can't eat it orally. Yeah. Takes it up his arse, though, doesn't he? Dirty bastard. My manager... You, you're perfect. You're the reason I've got to have warm cucumber on this salad every single time. I'm sick of it. My manager told me the perfect saying for nurses. He said you can have a couple giving birth to their gorgeous baby and in the room next door is a man with a cucumber up his arse. That's hospital. That's the light and shade of the medical profession. And can we just say to all medical professionals out there, thank you very much.

43:28Rosie Ramsey:Thank you. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. I have an ick for you both. I was in London on the tube. Someone was gripping the handle like as if they were going to fall over at any moment. I looked behind me briefly only to notice he was holding on with another hand. Both hands holding on on the tube. Disgusting. If that was my partner I think we'll have to end it. I'm confused. I didn't hear that. What was he holding on to? He was holding on with both hands. he was on the tube and he was holding onto the pole or whatever with both hands it's just fucking furious that's such a good thing that is one of the best sticks we've had for a long time holding on with both hands he was holding on the tube with both hands oh that's great reverse Ikea right yeah and this is this is for all the roofers out there right big love to the roofers um hi please keep me anonymous it's not sure my husband will appreciate this one reverse ick for you driving into work this morning i saw a group of roofers going about their business but as i watched i could see one of the roofers throwing tiles to the other so he could put them into formation in like a chain if that makes sense yeah yeah the skill the strength the accuracy whoa

45:02I know exactly have you ever seen the ones so impressive have you ever seen the videos online of builders doing it watch them all the time where they're literally getting like a shovel full of the cement and they're just flinging it from one spade and the guy up the scaffold and is just catching it on another spade yes please wonderful yes please

45:22Rosie Ramsey:not sure if it's because I'm ovulating brilliant the fact they had arms made from marble in brackets seemingly or the sunshine but god horniest thing i've seen for a while so there you go big up the roof pretend you're a roofer dave pretend you're a roofer throwing tiles to another roofer while you're shagging us dave pretend fucking amazing oh fun wow wow

45:48Rosie Ramsey:as always thank you so much for listening and watching if you are shag my annoyed I love you yes we do indeed thank you so so much obviously if you're watching on YouTube please subscribe and if you're listening on your podcast shops please subscribe as well that would be fantastic and while you're at it chrisramseycomedy.com me tour kicks off in September September October November December getting away from the old family for another stint gotta be fun oh dark nights dark nights bright days I'll be awake can I still take me golf clubs I reckon for the first couple of months I can take me golf clubs I'll be alright won't I Yeah she cares She cares massively Do I fuck Nice innit Feels nice doesn't it No I hate it every second of it Bye Bye

From the publisher

On the podcast this week Rosie joins us from her luteal phase and has some beef with her period tracking app! Chris has got himself a new catchphrase (which isn't approved) and they have had correspondence from a listener whose group chat caused some serious googling about the whereabouts of Chris Ramsey.

Beefs include raw dogging supplements and some questionable vaping advice. All of this plus some QFTPs and a tube ick! Enjoy...

If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice
notes included on the podcast, then get in touch!

📧: shaggedmarriedannoyed@gmail.com

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