The World Cup, Rosie's First Tattoo and is there a Priest Listening?

18:46Rosie Ramsey:She was like, how many glasses were you having? I was like, two. Jesus. When I was on the golf trip with my mates, there was these, I kept falling asleep around the pool after we'd finished golf. And there was just these like lawn chairs that I was sleeping on. Oh yeah, I've seen the video. It's awful. They're not flattering. No. How do you fall asleep in a lawn chair? I was literally, they were all like, how does he fall asleep? It looks like a torture rack, but I was like sort of slid down sitting and the back of the chair was under the like bump on the back of my head and it was something to do with the pressure there.

19:17It's like a fucking, you know when you used to put paperclip in the back of a Tamagotchi to reset it? Yeah. It is the pressure on the head.

19:24Rosie Ramsey:Do you know I used to do, I used to work in an autistic unit. Right. For a little while. Oh, they have the pressure thing. And it was called Tick, I'm sure I've talked about it on here. I was going to go like Tic Tac or something anyway it's like you would just put pressure on the kids at certain parts on their body and the head was like a really good like and sometimes I do it with the kids if they're a bit stressed when they were little especially I would just kind of grab come here let us grab your head at the back I'll not touch your hair at the front I've got to come around there yeah but it's back for the audio just do it can you do it over the desk yeah it just feels lush ready ready isn't it nice Yeah.

20:02Yeah.

20:03Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. Oh. Isn't it nice? Made me noise run. So she was doing that to me this morning, like grabbing me head and kind of like pressure. Forgot I had an eyeball at one point, I think, because she just... Put a finger on your eye. She was just like, oh, my eyes. But I think they have to do that to get it right. But isn't it clever? It's so clever. Yeah. It's, yeah. I'm buzzing with me new eyebrows. What a fucking sentence. I'm not looking forward to having to look after them because I really... I'm just going to... I'm freaking out. Right. I'm freaking out. I mean, look after them, feed them, water them, take them for a walk.

20:33Rosie Ramsey:You're not allowed to water them. This is full of maintenance. I've got like saline and cream and everything. And I can't remember what order she said. That's a fucking point. Someone have to Google it. That's a fucking point. It is intense. And then she was like, don't sweat. But I'm like going to London tomorrow. I think she was just saying bye, which is quite cool. Hey, don't sweat. Later. All right, okay. Later, dude. Don't sweat. Don't sweat. Oh, sorry. I'm thinking about getting a sweatband. Like a head sweatband. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Definitely. Because I'd still like to go in the gym. Right, okay.

21:02I mean...

21:03Rosie Ramsey:It's a lot of time, isn't it? How do people do this all the time? It's crazy. What? They don't look that different. I don't understand. Oh my God, he's actually set... Like, what the fuck? They do look... I haven't got any makeup on. But you normally put stuff in them. Yes. So this is them without the stuff in. Yes. So you don't have to put stuff in them now. Yes. But you have to do five fucking days of maintenance. So on holiday, I'm going to wake up and you're going to be like, oh, you've got makeup on. And I'll be like, no, Chris. I haven't. It's just me. me tats I've I've had me first tattoo honestly for the amount of pain in the arse it's been I'd rather you got fucking love and hate on your knuckles what's next sick it's me breakdown

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23:04Rosie Ramsey:Why wait? Ask your doctor. Visit BotoxChronicMigraine.com or call 1-800-44-BOTOX to learn more. Got a Sam's Cafe pizza order up. You know the best part about this spicy Italian sausage? I voted for this topping. Yeah, just another perk of being a member. Come join us. Sam's Club. Obviously, you know, I love a bit of true crime. Yes. And I thought, hey, why not add a bit of it to this, sort of. Oh. I watch all the documentaries, and then usually what happens is me and Chris talk about them, and you're genuinely really interested, aren't you? Because it is interesting stories. I know what your problem is.

23:44Rosie Ramsey:What? I don't like the way true crime podcasts are set up. I don't like the way they speak. I don't like the music in the background. Oh, I love it, mate. I don't like the... Do you get a bit bored? Because sometimes, if they don't have enough people to interview, they just use the same photos over and over again with voiceovers. So, right, no. True crime documentaries, okay, fine. True crime podcasts, can't bear them. They have a sense of smugness. The hosts have a sense of smugness, like they're solving the crime themselves. They're like, and he was dead. But got to, though. I'm Chris Ramsey, and this is Jenny Nye.

24:20And then it's like... I'm like, oh, no, no. And then again, that one, the Adnan Syed one, what was that one called?

24:27Rosie Ramsey:Serial. Serial. That was years ago. Fucking 10 hours of my life that I'll not get back. I listened to the whole thing going, mint, what happened then? We don't know if he did it or not. Right. Well, anyway. Oh, they've released a new one. I've been to the new trial. All right, I listened to that one. Did he do it? Don't know. Can I tell you? I didn't, sorry, can I just say, I didn't know before it. I've earned, I've got nothing. I've earned nothing. Okay. Well, can I just tell you one that was on? Yes. So I was watching one and it's like a series. It's called Betrayal. I'd listen to the podcast, but these are like new ones all the time.

25:00Rosie Ramsey:It's just like people who've been betrayed by their partners who they were like, never thought they could do any wrong. You're not going to believe this, right? One guy was married for years, became a bit of a dickhead. The wife left him. Yeah. Didn't want to be with him anymore. He couldn't face it. Blah, blah, blah. She went out one night and then she had an intruder come into her house, fully blown beat her up horrendous attacked her over her head like zip tied bloody bloody blah right right and then she was like outside crying and everything and then guess who turned up 10 minutes later him mmhmm for what he said like oh something like I was just thinking about you bloody blah like turned up to rescue her brilliant guess who it was who did it his brother it was him oh my god so he did it all he did it all and then turned up and then turned up and tried to like rescue her what the hell that is bold try to like turn up and rescue her and be like i'm your knight in shining armor i'm here to save you it was him who did it that's mental say this is better i don't need to listen to them you just give me a little bit just tell me the bit i'll do one a week just tell us a one yeah a dead quick one okay dirty john i know that one i've done that one there's so many so yeah can you believe that wow i know cheeky bastard there's another one i've just been watching as well same series a british bloke um just kept meeting women telling them that he had cancer and that he was uh he'd had a vasectomy he just kept getting everyone pregnant he's got like loads of kids everywhere.

26:44What was the cancer bit?

26:46Rosie Ramsey:It was like testicular cancer and then he'd had a vasectomy as well and he was like, I absolutely cannot get you pregnant. Don't worry about condoms. Don't worry about contraception. All of them ended up pregnant. He's got like 13 kids but he's just vile and one's nothing to do with him. What the fuck? Mad. Can they not sue him? I think they are. I think there's stuff going on. Can't sue him for child maintenance? They wanted to get him for um but I think the law had changed it was something like um I can't I don't want to say the word but it was like a deceit a deceit claim like you know right anyway madness but don't you have to don't you have to agree to a paternity test you can't force someone to do a DNA test I think if I remember rightly oh can you not I don't think you can force so you can just go out they're not mine and then go out we'll do this test to prove it and you go I'm not going to do this I'll get you another one next week guess what it always is though tiddlers always the tiddlers I saw the weirdest thing in the world the other day.

27:42Rosie Ramsey:What? Driving along a dual carriageway and me and Robin were in the car driving along in front of it had to overtake it because we were going really slow. Picture this. Motorbike. Too good to miss. Tra la la la la la. Motorbike. Yep. With a sidecar. Haven't seen one for a while. Retro. Two people in the sidecar. Squished. Two sitting there looking goddamn fucking terrified I'll be honest with you. Awful. Yep. Also, towing a trailer with loads of stuff in the trailer. Get a car. Bro. They like the feel of the open road. Your life is not suited to a motorbike. I'm telling you now. I'm telling you your life isn't suited to a motorbike.

28:25You need a car.

28:27Rosie Ramsey:How old were the people in the sidecar? I couldn't tell, but they looked very scared. They had little helmets and goggles on. Two of them sitting next to each other. And then, like I say, a full fucking trailer with all his gear in. Bro, you need a car. which's got extra seats and it's got a boot. And a boot. Your life is not suited to a motorbike. Stop it. The dream is over. Stop it. Well, no, because he's got his motorbike. You've got friends, you've got belongings, you've got responsibilities. He's got his motorbike, then he can just attach his mates to it, can't he? I'd be devastated. Dual carriageway as well.

28:57Oh, but Northumberland, A69, long old fucking road. They're on that for a good 20 minutes.

29:01Rosie Ramsey:Oh, no, absolutely not. Absolutely. I wouldn't get him on. No, thank you. Horrible. Wow. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Beef? Be gentle with me because I haven't got much facial movements. Okay, ladies first then. Alright, okay. Mine's very tame but there's a certain saying that I like to say and I feel like I am sort of right in a way. You know what I'm saying but you're always, what's the word? Correctors. Notice I didn't correct you there while you couldn't look for the word correcting that I held back. Well done. when it's windy in the house I hate it I can't I'm sorry I will correct this till the day I fucking die it's awful and I hate it when you see it when it's hot in the house sorry and when you want to get a bit of air in I say let's open two windows so we can get a bit of a thoroughfare which I hate it's through draft what's wrong with thoroughfare thoroughfare it's the wrong word but it's the same thing the air is thoroughfaring through the house.

30:09I don't think that's the...

30:11Rosie Ramsey:But I've done it too many times now. I don't want to say through-draft. What about crosswind? I like, okay, crosswind. There we go, get a bit of a crosswind. Yeah, I don't like through-draft. I don't know what it is. Right. It's just... But you know what? When I say thoroughfare... It's just upsetting. Yeah, but you might as well say, you know, let's open two windows, get a bit of a bonanza going. It's not the fucking right word. It's just a fucking... You know what I mean? it doesn't make any sense I love Bonanza you might say oh just go on that we don't know we'll get a bit of a meeeam happening means nothing in fact meeeam makes more than makes more sense than thoroughfare but it's thorough it is a thorough it's not a thoroughfare so what's a thoroughfare it's like a path when people are walking yeah it's like a path like a thoroughfare the air is on a thoroughfare I've chopped down a load of them hedges in the garden from back to front to make a bit of a thoroughfare so it can get through the back of the garden that's where the air's going in the house and cool you down.

31:07Just stop it. The problem is it's not huge it's just wrong enough it's just wrong enough and I get upset.

31:14Rosie Ramsey:You do it all the time. Because you keep saying the wrong words. Listen I will I will just keep correcting you. Fine well I will just keep saying it. Great. Or Bonanza. Brilliant. My beef with you. Yes. You haven't done this for a while which is good so I'm enjoying the podcast again but your pre-podcast ritual I'm sure I've mentioned it in the past used to be walking me around the house explaining what you would change, what walls you would knock down, what you would paint, where you would move toilets and doors to, how many thoroughfares you would make happen, and it makes us want to die. But the last time you did it, you actually did it with your mum.

31:51Your mum was here looking after the kids, and you walked around with your mum and explained all the DIY shit you would do if you had the time, and then we sat down and did the podcast.

31:58Rosie Ramsey:Where's this come from? I haven't done that for ages. It's just, it's written in my notes. Look, I'll be honest with you, you haven't been a pain in the arse for a while, So sometimes I've got to go back and take a back now, y 'all. Get one from the, you know. Oh, right. Okay, great. So there. Great. Well, I haven't done it because I knew it used to stress you out so much. Horrible. And then we'll do this and we'll do that. We'll knock this down and we'll get there and we'll change the entire... It cleanses me, weirdly. It kind of cleanses me. Makes me want to burn the house down. Makes me want to burn the house down.

32:22For someone with anxiety, planning a load of possible DIY... You don't have anxiety. You are having a bloody thoroughfare around here, aren't you?

32:34Rosie Ramsey:oh funny okay but i have stopped you have and thank you like you were gonna stifle that yore and then you just went full on and screamed it at us great it's time for questions from the public it's a questions from the public from the public they've been in touch they want to get back on the dutch what's the dutch it's a dutch it's terrible so one me going public and you not doing it with us just fucks the entire thing I am starting to do little songs in that now right questions from the public yep uh huh and there's nothing wrong with the public does there public nothing wrong with the public public you're putting us on the spot here chub dick oh for fuck's sake lub Lubbed it.

33:25Rosie Ramsey:Nothing rhymes with public? God! How are you? Come on. I think Eminem would disagree with you. Well, what rhymes with public? Rub it. No. Not a half rhyme. No.

33:39Chub dick might be the only one, actually.

33:41Rosie Ramsey:Questions from the public. Read them holding your chub dick. Culprit? Questions from the public. Are you our latest culprit? No. Well, sort of a lap to do. Listen. Anyway, listen. Shut up. Shut up. No, you shut up. You shut up. You shut up. You can shut your fucking face. I just want to tell them how to get in touch. Fucking face. If you want to think something rhymes with public, get in touch. Shagmarionode at gmail.com if you want to send in a long-form email or a letter. And if you want to send in a voice note, the WhatsApp number is 07874406650. That's 07874406650. Listen, right, I don't know which one to choose.

34:19Rosie Ramsey:Oh, Daisy messaged and said she's got 50 voice notes approximately 50 voice notes about Verrucas Fantastic I remember years ago on this podcast I said whatever happened to Verrucas and now they are fucking making a comeback Well, is mine even a Verruca because none of you have got them Right And I'm walking around barefoot Great Nice to know Nice to know Yeah But none of you have caught them so I don't even know if mine's a Verruca Am I dying? No it's normally a foot that dies first then it just spreads up throughout your body if I remember rightly from stuff I've watched so yeah probably oh right Veruca and divorce this sounds exciting oh is this gonna be fucking the witch doctor said see you divorce and you have Veruca and have a full thing where you divorce it and then the Veruca leaves because it knows it's not wanted or some fucking I'm not having all of this people bought them off them and I'm not having it I just think it's coincidence have I told you before I used to have a when I was younger I had like a one of them what's that a chub dick I had one of them little skin tag yeah I had a skin tag under my armpit and it used to hurt I was putting urine on it used to hurt where was it because I've got one it was under my armpit and I went to the doctors and they said oh oh fucking hell I'm gonna what I'm annoyingly gonna prove everyone right in this but again I think it's coincidence I had it and I remember going to the doctors and I was like what the hell's gonna happen and he went right we'll freeze it and scrape it off we'll boot you back in to get it done and I left and it fell off that night on its own.

35:50Stop it. I swear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like, fuck this and it just jumped.

35:54Rosie Ramsey:Eh? Yeah. I want to get rid of mine. I accidentally shave mine all the time and it bleeds for days. Yeah. Okay. So what have I just got to be, have I got to go to the darkness pretend and get rid of it and it'll just fuck off? It honestly did. It was literally like, it was like, it was like jump forward, It was like, oh, you can't, literally it said, you can't fire me because I quit. That's so. 100 % true. I remembered it the other day and I forgot to say. You know the brain? is a really clever bit of kit. Some people's are, yeah. Intricate, clever. Like, you've pushed that off yourself. Wow. That's amazing.

36:31Rosie Ramsey:Crazy. All right. My friend was trying for a baby for three years, had an IVF appointment, got pregnant that weekend. Like, just because I think she was like, all right, okay, it's getting sorted. Oh, now it's getting sorted. I'll just get pregnant. Madness. Crazy. I don't think that's fully how it works. All right, Verruca and divorce. Yeah. Hiya. I have been listening to you since you very first started. I never really felt I had anything to say. But after hearing about the warts and people paying, pretending to pay for them to disappear, it reminded me about my Verruca. So when I was getting married back in 2007, I had a pedicure and a Faroukka appeared.

37:23Pause it. She's saying Faroukka and I'm getting upset.

37:29Rosie Ramsey:She's saying Faroukka. She's saying Faroukka. She's not saying Faroukka. She knows it's Faroukka. Is she saying Faroukka? Well, listen, I don't think she's saying Faroukka. I think it's just her accent. You all know she's saying Faroukka. I think it's like free. Do you know this morning, Rafe was putting a key ring on his bag and he went in front of Robin and me and he went oh look at that and he put his third key ring on his bag and he went I've got three king rings on me bag now and Robin went what other? And he went key rings and he went see a key ring and Rafe went key ring and then Rafe went then Robin went see I've got three key rings on me bag and he went I've got three king rings on me bag and Robin went he's doing it on purpose

38:14Rosie Ramsey:Wait listen yeah well see if she's just let her pass she's a long time fan okay don't be a dick she's been she's been for a pedicure and she's come up with a veruga couldn't get rid of it throughout the years i tried absolutely everything tried to have it frozen would not budge anyway fast forward about nine and a half years unfortunately me and my husband divorced about a couple of weeks after my divorce my Faroukha completely disappeared didn't do anything to it it just disappeared so I don't know about paying the Faroukhas and Warts to be vanished that's mental I think it's sign of your life if you have a veruca or a wart and then something needs to change in your life.

39:12Are we getting divorced? I think he got it in the divorce. I think he was like, fuck you, love. I'm taking that veruca with us. I'll take the shirt off your back. I'll take that veruca with us.

39:24Rosie Ramsey:Are you my veruca? You're my veruca's heel. Is that instead of the Achilles heel? awful that is that's crazy that's really weird well she's just not stressed is it am I stressed is Veruca stress everything's fucking stressing yeah that's mad that's funny though isn't it got rid of the husband and the Veruca and the Veruca shit wow well I'm not I don't want nine years I've got to have this for nine years yeah it's silky smooth at the minute though actually because I've been doing the stuff and then I file it I got you the stone and the thing I got you the shaman I got you everything for it I got you the full kit it's like silky smooth then I think, well, I'll just leave it.

40:03Yeah. Oh, God.

40:04Rosie Ramsey:Nine and a half of you. Yeah. I've got to keep this movie. You've got to go and get it cut out, man. That's the crack. I don't want to get it cut out. I'll do it for you. I'd rather get divorced. Bab-a-do, bab-a-do, bab-a-do, bah. Hi, Chrissy Rosie. Quick voice note. I've got a dick for you. I'm not into men, but I saw a man running. Rosie, I think you might get this. Running with his hands in his pockets. It would equally be an dick if it were a woman running with the hands in their pockets, but just, no, don't run with your hands in their pockets. Please, God. I completely get it. I completely get it.

40:40I love that. Fucking great.

40:41Rosie Ramsey:I'm not attracted to men, but I've seen a one. I've seen a one. I've seen a one. Running with his hands in his pockets. That's so funny. Yeah, man. What are people doing? Doing that to the shoulders. I've just gone, da, da, da. Also, really stupid. Running with your hands in your pockets is fucking the stupidest thing you can do. Why would you? You need your arms for balance. That's what they're there for. If you fall and you can't break your fall, you're just smashing your face off the floor. I think that's part of the reason why we've got arms. Is it? For balance. Like for doing stuff, obviously.

41:11Rosie Ramsey:But is it for balance? Explain.

41:17Like, no. What do you think?

41:20Rosie Ramsey:Don't know. No, because some people are born without arms and they can stand up and be balanced. Okay. And it's your toes, isn't it? on your feet that give you the balance is it how are we all just not falling flat on faces how does it work yeah running with your arms in your pockets is just weird regular listeners will know that when Rosie attempts a train of thought like this I like to just stay quiet and just let her tie herself in knots all that thing about toes and everything was insane but no no arms are not just for us to balance yes arms were I mean, I'd imagine not to get all, you know...

42:01Rosie Ramsey:Do it. Why not? It's your podcast. We came out of the sea. We came out of the sea. So what's that look for? God created the earth in seven days. Day seven, we jumped out of the sea. No, we came out of the sea. So I'd imagine it would be, you know, then we sort of, they'll have been, we'll have walked on them initially. So there will have been legs. And then when we, you know, they'll have been flippers. Then there'll have been legs. And then when we started to walk upright, They'll have been used less for walking on and more for doing stuff with. Are we not apes? We share a common ancestry with apes.

42:34We weren't apes. Okay. Us and apes have evolved from the same thing.

42:40Rosie Ramsey:See, this is where I've told you. No, it's Catholicism. It's like, I don't know. I don't know what to believe. The pure science I've just told you. Okay. Yeah. But Adam and Eve. Yeah. I don't know. they were fully formed pretty fit yeah or they could grab apples off trees they were talking and doing everything so you're telling me yeah I don't know okay I don't know see this is what I mean also apologies because I probably was taught this stuff at school I've just forgotten most of it if your old teachers do have listened to this there's been some screaming and some nosebleeds and some you know some phones not me already teacher she'd have been buzzing oh yeah yeah she'd be oh yeah absolutely great yeah yeah you took all that shit in.

43:30Rosie Ramsey:Oh, part of me dream last night was about getting Rafe christened as well. Right, yeah. Alarm still on? No, I've scrapped it. But I asked him, I said to him the other day, I said, do you know who God is? And he went, no. Right. And I went, what about Jesus? He says, oh my God, all the time. Yeah, but he doesn't know what he's saying. He doesn't know who it is. Right, okay. So I tried to explain. Uh-huh. It's a person making me male. But then you go, is it male or female? I don't know.

43:57Rosie Ramsey:it's really honestly you've got no idea because you weren't brought up with a religion it's really hard because i really want him to have it but at the same time i don't know what i believe anymore well i'm trying to be religious at the minute i'm reading that book called case christianity um very slowly reading it gotta be honest do like a narrative i don't just like a textbook it is very much a textbook texty yeah but yeah man I mean I would honestly I would love to find out it was real well you got my dad gave it to you to read because my dad told us about it and I bought it oh sorry okay well my dad wasn't brought up Catholic yeah but obviously he just loves to research stuff clever fucker proper clever fucker and he now fully believes that like Jesus was real yeah and all of that sort of stuff because he's done research into it and not in like not in a biased way not in a Catholic I'm going to prove he's all wrong way I've just been told this way yeah so I'm busy reading but you know I'm going to take the book on holiday I'm going to take it on holiday cover it up no no what are you embarrassed embarrassed that I'm trying to find faith no I'm not I think it's great sounds like you are will you take it upon yourself to get Rafe christened because I'll tell you at the end of the book I'll tell you what once I've read that book I might be so like empowered by it I might just do it right there in the pool okay I'll just christen him in the pool you've got enough to worry about as a parent in this day and age other than that don't worry about it okay right well if something happens you and Rafe will at least speak together god I could cry because he won't get in to heaven I got christened the other day I just went and did it on the sly there's a place you can go they do eyebrows next door and the christener's the next door to it what's it called the bloke the bloke who does it it's called Satsuma

45:44Rosie Ramsey:why Satsuma because his wife's called Peach and she does the eyebrows in the next building he does the chrisening it's good it's really good christening if I can't say it through thoroughfare you can't say chrisening chrisening chrisening there's a t in there oh well look I'll tell you what if I'm going to do the real way chrisening not chrisening please stop taking our lord out of it let's call it christening eh I'd rather that pronounce his name you fucking heathen I don't know I don't know what to do alright I don't know what to do look now's not the time is there any is there any priests listening I fucking hope not oh my god if you're listening could you recommend a mate of yours who doesn't listen to tell me what to do is there any priests listening get in touch genuinely because I'm I'm really confused of what to do Catholic priests not Church of England not Protestant oh yeah Catholic the other ones you can go fuck yourself if I'm gonna do it I'm gonna do it that was nice that was nice wasn't it unbelievable just Catholic ones the rest of you oh fucking burning hell as you will right no listen cancellers they're all the same yeah you go to a church of england church and you go to a mass and you go why is different you all say the same thing it's all the same you think just because you've been Christened let's call it the real way that you're going to get into heaven even though you're saying stuff like this on a public medium I think we're both going to be in the thing and then going oh Chris oh she said that you didn't have water dabbing on your head but she's giving it large on you Do you know how forgiven God is?

47:16Rosie Ramsey:You can do anything. Oh, okay. As long as you worship him, he forgives you. That's what I got told. I'll be honest with you. I run exactly the same. Okay. That's exactly how I run my household. Right. Do what you want. Worship me. Do what you want. You forgive anything as long as you worship me. Say thoroughfare as many times as you want. Just worship me. Worship me. Okay. Worship in the door. Can you please start now? Yeah. All right. Good. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

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48:45Rosie Ramsey:If you've ever blasted synth beats from your boom box or burn CDs for your besties, this one's for you. As people get older, much like their music tastes, their health needs change. AG1 is the simple daily health drink designed to deliver over 75 essential daily nutrients and pre - and probiotics to support energy, digestion, and mood. So you can make the most out of every decade. and dance break. Learn more at drinkag1.com Babadoo babadoo babadoo Hello Chris and Rosie. I hope you're both doing well considering summer is kicking off soon. I think it's already here. Alive and kicking. Heat wave motherfuckers!

49:22We're in London this week doing Please Keep Me Anonymous. What?

49:26Rosie Ramsey:I just want I love the heat. Yeah but we're in London this week doing Please Keep Me Anonymous and as anyone knows we'll do four in one day and we're in that studio for the full day and it's going to be 31 degrees outside. He's got air con. yeah but you're not allowed to have it on when we're talking why? because you're able to hear it it has to turn off so the mics don't pick it up oh but I can't sweat from the eyebrows maybe you should have thought at that point when you got your fucking eyebrows done when else would I have got them done there's always something there's always something going on same reason I don't do jiu-jitsu competitions I've always got something to not be injured for yeah same reason I'm growing out my blonde hair yeah because I'm sick of getting me I'm literally going back to my natural hair colour I'm going to look like a plain little twat because I'm sick of getting my hair done.

50:09Rosie Ramsey:I'm going to be, you're literally going to be like, who's this plain bitch with the lush eyebrows? So I'm sick of getting my hair done, so I'm going back to my natural colour. Okay. I'm taking the back to my roots. Go on then. Yeah. Why do you hear this? I just, the eyebrow thing just, I just don't know when it became just such a huge thing. Eyebrows. I've heard women go, oh yeah, I love your eyebrows. I'm like, fucking hell. Like, it's just so odd. It's like teeth, it's like you've got nice teeth. No, it's not. It's like, hello mate, come on in here, fucking hey, your earlobes are looking good.

50:42Hey Gary, your fucking mate, your philtrum's bang on the daylight mate.

50:47Rosie Ramsey:What's a philtrum? It's that little bit in between your top lip and your nose. Yeah, but you look at it though, don't you? Yeah, but I meant... No, if someone's got a shit one, you'd be like, fucking what a clip. So. Yeah, who invited shit philtrum Terry? Exactly. So I'm sorry. God. You do notice it. It's just, yeah, okay. why'd you put why'd you put product on your hair the hair's a big thing why'd you get your hair cut the hair's a big thing I just again I've just never about 10 years ago eyebrows became the main thing in the world and now it's all anyone talks about you go to the fucking shops and people are getting them off with bits of string and that looking like they're playing a fucking violin on your face I don't know what's going on man threading I like that awful I don't know how it works crazy I've watched so many videos of that I don't know what's going on it's so clever I don't know how to do it it's just the bits of string and then trap they trap the hair inside Why are you two tweezers?

51:30Rosie Ramsey:Because you get more off and they're threading. It's quicker. Listen, shut up. I've just broken up with my boyfriend of one year and I created a list of icks about the things that he did which ranges from that's just weird to that's really sad. Wow. Okay. Amazing. God, it's like we've said... It's not really a list. It's just one thing. But it's like we've sent them out on a mission and they've come back. You know, they've been stationed for a year somewhere and they've come back and this is their report at the end. Okay. There's just one thing. It must be the main one. It's just one thing. I read this list out of my sister, my cousin, and both their partners.

52:04Rosie Ramsey:And the one that got the most reaction. There it is. There you go. I would like to share with you today. He sleeps with his shoes on. No, fuck. No, he does not. No. Too lazy to come in and change out of his work clothes. He will fall asleep without changing or take any smelly shoes. Yes, the shoes are on the duvet and pillows. I'm keen to know both your opinions. but especially Chris's. Awful. So he just, no. Right. First of all, we'll need the full list. Stop this. I need more information. So he comes in. Just can't be asked to take your shoes off. So he's always got shoes on. He's got athlete's foot.

52:44Do you understand what I'm saying here? So he comes in.

52:46Rosie Ramsey:It's ridiculous. I'm not on board with this. Leaves them on in the house. Goes to bed. Yeah. What's his job? With his shoes on. Imagine if he works in a farm. When does he take them off? Don't know. Because if you're not taking them off of bed, I don't feel like you're ever taking them off. Just in the shower with his fucking shoes on. We need more information. This is not enough context. I can't believe it. Why would you sleep in a bed though with someone who's got their fucking shoes on and they're not mortal drunk? Horrible. I saw a thing recently that was like, do you wear your shoes in the house?

53:18And it showed you the bottom of a sole and it just had loads of different stuff. Oh yeah, that's disgusting. Tab ends. Obviously it was just an artist's impersonation. or yeah, impression or whatever you call it. But it was like tab ends and like lots of stuff and spit and like used condoms. It was like this is all the stuff you could be walking on in the street. Oh, urine's a given. Yeah. Yeah. So I try not to ever wear mine in the house anymore.

53:38Rosie Ramsey:No, we do quite well with that. But then at the same time... I've even started to take my socks off at the door as well. I just walk around before something. I think it's because it's hot. Two reasons. It's hot and me white socks get really scruffy sometimes on the floor. Okay, well, listen. Welcome to Veruga Land. Right. I think I'm immune to Veruca's. Okay. I think so. Just like that time when I went back for an eye test and they said your eyes have healed, you don't need glasses anymore. I think I'm immune to Veruca's. Did that actually happen? Yeah. Don't tell Robin. Well, no. You have, haven't you?

54:09Yeah.

54:10Rosie Ramsey:Oh, you've... I think he's forgot. I think he's forgot years ago. They've told me he won't ever... They've told me he'll always wear glasses. It's when your eyes grow. My eyes grew out of it, basically. But he'll be fine. I guarantee you forced your mum to take you. I guarantee you forced your... And your mom would have been stupid enough and she'd gone, I was very keen to have glasses. You wouldn't even need them. Very keen to have glasses. Do you know what I always liked? I just always liked stuff. So like when other people, when other lads in the class would sit and they would like get a drawer and open the little glasses case and they had the little thing to polish it and they would polish the glasses and they would put them on.

54:47I'd be like, I want that. Things. It's one of the reasons I like golf. All the stuff you have to take. Yeah, bits and pieces. Bits and pieces. Got me tees, got me gloves, I've got my little mark. I've got my clubs. When I worked at Pondins,

54:58Rosie Ramsey:I used to wear glasses without any lenses in. We've talked about this. That's how much I wanted glasses. Hipstack how pathetic. Hello, Ramses. Hi. Long time listener. I'm forever trying to get my story read. Oh, sorry. Just listening to the episode on Friday 5th of June, BS bars and buying warts. Yes. I remember that my dad, on a number of occasions, bought my cold off me and it worked. At least it did for me. No, no. My cold went away, however, my dad never appeared to get it. I feel like that's just time. Is that because colds go away in a couple of days? It's just time, innit? Fucking hell, man.

55:32Rosie Ramsey:My shit story is as follows. Could be Rosie's mystery. Should we talk about shit? Let's talk about shit, baby. Let's talk about poo and wee. Let's talk about all the good shits and the bad shits that may be. Let's talk about shit. Let's talk about shit. With a little bit of shit. Let's talk about shit. Shag married and shit. did I do it no no terrible in the episode toenail barbie I do remember toenail barbie I think about that someone made a cap for a barbie out of a toenail that had fallen off absolutely monkey and brilliant and the barbie movie missed a trick by not having toenail barbie in the barbie movie I agree you mentioned how one of Chris's friends washes any new clothes before he wears them yeah Stevie Stevie me mate I now do this too you have to because I bought some trousers oh no in a sale oh no and I was wearing them on a city tour around Prague when I noticed there was something that felt sharp and hard scratching my bum cheek from the inside of the trousers unfortunately it was at least two hours later when I next went to the toilet and I was finally able to check the insides of my trousers only to find you've given it away it's a toenail it's a toenail or a fingernail is that what you're going with it's a toenail or a fingernail in the trousers, which is the worst.

56:55Rosie Ramsey:You are wrong. No way! It was a hard piece of someone else's shit. Shut the fuck up! Stuck to the inside seam of the trousers. So it was more of a less a city break, more of a shitty break. A hard bit of shit scratching them from the inside. Clearly some filthy animal had shot it in the trousers or had some earth moving and had a pick. I felt violated I couldn't I couldn't go on with the I don't mean I would end it all I mean I couldn't go on with the trip I'd have to go I'd have to wash so it was like scratching that bum cheek just a bit of hard shit that's I told you I've mentioned it on here as well but for any new listeners just to let you know that me mum once knew someone who bought a pair of shorts from the charity shop and was wearing them and put their hands in the pockets and there was a full set of cut toenails and fingernails in the pockets.

57:57Rosie Ramsey:Have you told me that? How can I not have told you that? I think I forgot about that. Oh, God. Isn't that the... Imagine. I love the phrase of full set. I love the phrase of full set. It was every digit. One, two, right. There's ten of them. There's ten of them. It was every digit. Wow. Chris, I would vomit. I would... Yeah, I wouldn't. I would vomit. it. I wouldn't come back. What, nonchalantly wearing your new lovely bargain bin trousers bloody shorts and you put your hand in your pocket and there's just loads of finger.

58:32Nah.

58:33Rosie Ramsey:Disgusting. I think people are vile. I mean, people are busy. People are busy. What do you mean? You've cut the fingernails, you've been in the garden, you've done, you've been, no, I can't. No, you can't. I'm sorry, you can't stick up for that. Who's putting the fingernails in their pockets. Who's put them in their pockets? I think they're either sick and they've done it deliberately or they've just forgot. I don't know. I think they're just scruffy bastards and they've forgot. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Would you like another shit story? Always. Yeah? Yeah. Okay, are you sure? You're not too mature for these yet.

59:06Rosie Ramsey:You haven't grown up enough. Never. I'll be laughing at this shit when I'm 80. We've been doing this for seven years. You're still on the shit train. Yeah. Okay. Listen, you're going to enjoy this then. You ready? Hi, Rosie and Chris. Please keep me anonymous. every time you share a poo story i think i should share my experience from work and i decided today's the day can't speak okay so picture this another tuesday morning at the pharmacy right so they work at the pharmacy i'm assuming a pharmacist oh god well a pharmacist or you know one of the people there i held by a pharmacist training a trainee a pharmacist the usual could be the pharmacist or there could be the person that i always run into where when i go to the pharmacist because they say like if you've got you know pharmacists have got like loads of like powers now for want of a better word where they can sort of diagnose things and they can even you know they can give you antibiotics i'm sure if it's the right thing so i've been told loads of times to go in and and speak to the pharmacist uh and so you either get the pharmacist uh the people who put the stuff in or there's another job in the pharmacy which is the woman who i speak when i first get there which is in every pharmacist not a specific one who I say, can I speak to the pharmacist?

1:00:12She says, what's the problem? I tell her what the problem is. She audibly goes, I'll get the pharmacist, then gets the pharmacist.

1:00:20Rosie Ramsey:That doesn't happen. That's happened to me more than four times. That's not good. It's happened to, excuse me, can I say the pharmacist? Yeah, what's it about? Oh, I've got this thing on here, like under my tongue. Oh, can I have a look? I'll get the pharmacist. I'm telling you, that's fucking happened to me. so many times. I don't even know if she works there, this woman. She just travels all of the pharmacies just making you feel like absolute shit. When I had me prickly heat on me thing, I went in, I was like, can I see the pharmacist? Well, what seems to be a problem? I says, well, I've been on holiday and I think I've got prickly heat.

1:00:53Yeah, I've got these. Yeah, it's like, ugh, is it itchy on you? Yeah, it's itchy. Does it hurt? Ugh, I'll get the pharmacist. I was like, could you not just go? You're nosy fucker. Could you not just go to the pharmacist? He's just trying to put you off.

1:01:02Rosie Ramsey:you're there too much I do wait outside you're there too often and they're like fucking make this guy feel uncomfortable I've seen the doctor the other day not for me for Rafe he's got glue here he is that's why he's turned the telly up we need to be he's got glue here bless him I told the doctor that I was just talking about doctors and I was like oh no there's a pharmacy near us that's really good so I was like I haven't been to doctors for years I face lit up really face lit up I haven't been to doctors for ages whenever I do a TV show or something and they go what's the name me a doctor I don't know I don't even know where it is I know where it is but I don't want the name of the doctor I just make up the address I think is it is it a posh we don't have a certain one it's just it always says name of your personal physician it's not posh you know I'm saying is that a posh thing to have your personal physician I've not a person I don't know why they ask anymore I don't we've spoke about this before medical emergency the ambulance is there somebody check what the doctor's is why yeah yeah makes no sense I don't know what you mean I just make it We just have whoever's available at the doctor's.

1:02:05Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. Those days are gone. I had a doctor when I was younger, the same doctor. She hated me. Did she? I was in all the time. A lot of people hated you, Chris. I don't know. Every story is the people hate Chris. And I'm just like, why does everyone hate you? Why? And why have I married you when everybody hated you? What's happened? Don't worry about it. Do not worry about it. I am worried about it, though. because don't worry about it all your teachers hated you why did the doctor hate you my doctor I don't know my doctor enough I was there a massive massive hypochondriate I was there all the time all the time at the doctor's when I was younger crazy okay crazy no comment see my mum was a nurse so I was excited to go to the doctor's so that's why I was there all the time really good wasn't good though did I tell you when I had a cyst on me boob no oh god okay one day i was putting my bra on i was 13 i put my bra on and just loads of liquid squirted out my boob across the room oh my god it's terrifying just loads of like which bit out like the nipple like that areola loads of just loads and i was like and i did it again and i like moved my boob again it was just like it's disgusting it was like well now was this when you shared a room with Kate.

1:03:26Rosie Ramsey:Oh, yeah. Lovely. Bless her. So I had to go to the doctors who I'd been with since a kid. Not seen that often, but known him. And he had to feel my boob in that. God, it was horrible. Like, the doctor you've had from being a kid had to touch your tits. At 30 as well. Yeah, but he wasn't. He had always a doctor, but still, it was weird. I didn't want to touch my tits. Rosie, it's already weird if he went... He didn't do that. But then I had to go...

1:03:54I made myself laugh then I I think what seems to be the problem oh yeah just because I quit this is awful

1:04:06Rosie Ramsey:you can't leave this in and then I had to go why are you laughing I had to go to the boob clinic at Gateshead at Gateshead Hospital and everyone was really holding out of another another doctor feel me boobs I wasn't called the boob clinic it wasn't called the boob clinic but it was the boob department of Gateshead of Gateshead hospital I was the youngest person there they were all like elderly women in gowns and that but it was exciting got a day off school so funny so yeah it was a cyst or something like an infection got you don't know they're at the pharmacy right Jesus that was fucking years ago right The usual hustle, people lining up for their meds and me stuck behind the counter trying to keep it all smooth.

1:04:56Rosie Ramsey:This lady comes up, wants to grab prescriptions for her and her mum, standard stuff. As I'm rooting around the script, she suddenly blurts out she needs the loo and we'll be right back. Now our pharmacy doesn't have a public restroom and there isn't one super close by so I'm thinking she'll be gone a bit. She comes back and I start handing over the meds. She asks if I can just toss them in her bag. No biggie, right? You've read this. Have I? There's a shit in a bag. Oh. There's a shit in a bag. There's a shit in a bag. You've read this. Well, well, well. This has never happened before. It has.

1:05:33Rosie Ramsey:Has it? Have I read the same one twice? Yeah, a couple of times, yeah. No, no. Not as recent as this. You've read this a couple of weeks ago. Oh, well, hey. Well, listen. So all that dynamite pharmacy pattern is going to have to go. No, it can stay. It can stay, but we made a mistake. I made a mistake sorry we didn't mean again I made a mistake yeah yeah yeah you made a mistake I made a mistake you made a mistake but we got there in the end there it is so yeah again she's chatting her bag she's chatting her bag right outside chatting her bag came back in put them in the bag just on top of the shit yeah there it is alright but long live the pharmacy yeah well that woman she would have loved it that woman there put them in it ehhh I'll get the pharmacist okay you should do that with a fake shit next time you go yeah hold it how often are you at the pharmacy not that often I feel like you I feel like you don't tell me.

1:06:19Rosie Ramsey:Why do everyone hate you? I was just a fucking hypochondria. I was just always at the doctor's. But then to be fair though, then I had really bad acne and the same doctor was like, she was just so used to us being a fucking hypochondria. She was just like, and I was like, I wanted to go on that Raccutane stuff and she was like, nah, nah, not bad enough. And then we swapped to a different doctor and he was like, fucking hell yes, you need to immediately. But she was, bless her, she was so sick of us. It was like, I could have went in with my fucking head hanging off and she'd have been like, the boy that cried wolf oh totally totally the boy what did he used to go about anything and everything that you can possibly imagine like what like what headaches everything headaches feeling sick fucking ulcer in my mouth fucking like pathetic like pathetic to go to the doctors I had to be dying yeah oh it was pathetic pathetic I had a meningitis scared and collapsed in a shop what I didn't go to the doctors Jesus went A &E so I split my head open oh you went A &E yeah even one higher that well I know but maybe I could have gone to the doctors before that Sandra no well look it's probably my fault that the NHS is the way it is is that what you want to hear is that what you want to see you are a dream is that what you've been going for I've been to the doctors for fucking years I went to the doctors that had me full medical some people do some people go to the doctors all the time oh yeah they love it absolutely love it ah no thank you I loathe it I would I would sooner stick onions on me feet in the middle of the night and sleep with them than both the doctors.

1:07:46Rosie Ramsey:I hate going to the doctors. Like, you know, I think the doctor's great. I think we're very lucky to have what we have. Touch wood for a bit longer. But, fuck the doctors, like, I'm not going to the doctor. Let's take that out of context. Rosie, what do you think about that? Fuck the doctors. No, I just don't like the doctors. I know what you mean. The old, yeah, the thing of it. It's good that when you've got kids, kids get seeing straight. Immediately. You're going on the day. It's fantastic. Looking for an ending. Can't find one. Can't find one. Sorry, I read the same thing twice. I'm really tired put on my eyebrows nice come on England eyebrows look great and come on England and it's getting a bit warmer yeah let's get a thoroughfare going and fuck the dollars and I'm still don't know why everyone hated Chris when he was a kid but that's fine thank you so much for listening and watching this week's episode of Shag Married Annoyed thank you very much indeed as always if you want to get in touch it's shagmarriedannoyed at gmail.com and if you want to send in a voice note it is 07874406650 I should remember that number but I'm never going to and come on England and it's coming home and I hope you're having a lovely little time wherever you are warm as fuck and ChrisRamseyComedy.com because I'm back on tour in September hopefully when the venues are a bit cooler because if I tell you what hats off to every when does your tour start?

1:09:03September the 8th or something

1:09:05Rosie Ramsey:oh put me top up you top up for your eyebrows this is just fucking hell sorry everyone sorry two has cancelled thanks for coming anyway get your refunds where are you on the 10th I've booked me top up for the 10th Rosie's getting that 10th of September Chris I haven't got you two ever in me big diary yet you better be home 10th of September is the day it starts and I'm in Norwich stop it 10th of September 10th of September is the day it starts and I'm in Norwich and it's sold out and I'm in Ipswich the next day then Stoke then Liverpool could I do it on the 9th are you here the 9th On the 9th, what am I doing?

1:09:43We're in London on the 9th. Please keep me anonymous.

1:09:47Rosie Ramsey:You've got nothing in your diary. I've got nothing in my diary. Fucking lunatic. Okay. Right. Oh, God. Great. Bye, bye. Bye, everyone. Hi, Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile. Are you looking for a beach read this summer? May I suggest your big wireless bill? It's got suspense, mystery, a slightly flat emotional arc and a shocking twist where you realise you've been overpaying the entire time. Fortunately, though, Mint's story is better. Every plan,$15 a month, even unlimited. That's it. Happy ending. Zero tears. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch. Upfront payment of$45 for three months,$90 for six months, or$180 for 12-month plan required.

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