This is why I'll leave you

23:03he's six he's Guy Fawkes night well obviously it was years ago he's six today

23:12What's wrong?

23:13Rosie Ramsey:What's wrong? What's his name? Guy after Guy Fawkes.

23:21Rosie Ramsey:Oh, Kev. Kev. You need to take him to the fish and chip shop and you need to say, can I get a fish cake? And they'll go, what's it for? And you say, oh, it's his birthday.

23:39Rosie Ramsey:okay do you feed him a lot or is he just a big kind of fish

23:45Rosie Ramsey:he's huge he's like the size of a hand we're just talking about him now we're just doing the podcast you're on the podcast I've got you without news. No, I'm with guys opening these presents.

24:02It's a cheap gift. I had a little picture of him out this morning.

24:07Rosie Ramsey:Oh my god. Okay. Right, I'm gonna go. E, I love you. Okay, bye. Bye. Love you. Bye. Oh my god. Oh, fuck me. I did not expect. I was not prepared for that. Oh, why is he fishing? It's his birthday.

24:40Rosie Ramsey:He's six. He's six years old. How's he six? He's not even Guy Fawkes. It's the third. It's the third day. He thinks it's bonfire and it is. Poor guy got all his cards a day early. I didn't want to say. It's not bonfire and it is. Bab-a-do-bab-a-do-bab-a-do-ba. Bab-a-do-bab-a-do-bab-a-do-ba. Guys, you won't know this, but as it's probably just done a bab-a-do-ba and possibly an ad, we've only just stopped laughing at that. So we've just decided that we're quickly going to ring Kate and Sandra and just offhand ask them what they've got Guy for his birthday just to see their reaction. My throat's hurting off laughing at that.

25:27That caught me so bad. I know.

25:36Rosie Ramsey:Hiya, you alright? Hi. Just quickly, what you got Guy for his birthday? Who? Guy. Guy? Yeah. Guy's birthday today? He's six. The fish?

25:52Yes.

25:53Rosie Ramsey:The fish? Yeah. What the hell? I rang him, right, because we were talking about goldfish, and we rang him saying, why is he so big? And he was like, it's his birthright. But, ma 'am, ma 'am, he's called Guy Fawkes, right, because he was like, we got him on Guy Fawkes. It's not Guy Fawkes day to day. It's not the fifth, Guy Fawkes. I know, but it's only the third. oh no so why is he named oh man oh hey just being laughing have you seen him the fish I've seen guys massive he's huge like I think there's something wrong with it we're gonna have to go and get a photo of us with the fish for the podcast because we've talked about it that much it's because I've had him in a big tank a big air tank with a big air fish is that true you know if he had a little ball it would stay a little oh but it's the bigger he had quite a bigish tanks for basically the goldfish just grew and obviously he's got a bigger one right he's got an even bigger one than he had in the flat i think we've got another one wow it's a bit like living in a small town isn't it oh man i mean to be right that house even the front what are you doing with a massive freaking bloody fish tank it's ridiculous but it mama you can't speak bad of him today it's his birthday it's his bloody birthday i know i you're totally right he's six He's six.

27:12Rosie Ramsey:All right, then. All right, Jake. Bye. Love you. Okay, love you. Bye. Kate won't know who Guy is. Kate will not have a clue. Kate will not have a clue. Oh, my God. That's so funny. Good times. So, yeah, so there's apparently, that's what they say that a fish will grow to the size of its tank. Yeah, but you put a goldfish in where Shamu used to sleep, what's it going to turn into the size of a whale? That's ridiculous. Poor conditions like low water quality and insufficient space cause stunted growth where the fish's growth is artificially limited and can lead to health problems. But a goldfish's true size is determined by its species and genetics.

27:52But what we can take away from that is, Guy's got a lovely little home with Kev because he's not stunted. He's a big lad.

27:58Rosie Ramsey:He's really looking after him. That's lovely, that. Hey, happy birthday, Guy. Happy birthday, Guy. Love you. I was drunk the other night and I've wrote down a note and it just says woman off the goodies woman off the goodies I don't know what it means I know exactly what it means you haven't wrote goodies you meant to write goonies but what do I want to talk about the woman off the goonies for you were have I told you something was I drunk no this was for me you weren't drunk were you drunk oh you've been out with the girls so you've been out twice this week god forbid one of them you came in really early went to a curry and you were lying in bed and you were watching your iPad and Rafe was behind you and I took a photo of you lying in bed watching your iPad and I said and I quote you look like the woman off the Goonies meaning sloth's mom and you were not happy about it at all I wasn't happy because I actually yeah I really did you really look like that and I wasn't happy that night because you just kept talking to us all the time I hate it when you do that I hate it no because I was just trying to watch my iPad and just have a bit of time and you just kept talking to us and then you really passively aggressively you just come over and pause my iPad while I'm watching it and talk to us I hate that I've never known someone who needs such entertainment mediums around her no matter what she's doing you can't wash your fucking face without having any iPad on I know I think I'm depressed it's madness I think it's depression I think I've had it my whole life you always need noise Yeah, all the time.

29:31Rosie Ramsey:24-7. I put white noise on the other day because I've never really experimented with it. God, it was lovely. White noise was lovely. Yeah, I think I could have, I think I could just have white noise on all the time. Not, not like noise, like from the fan because I want to die. You know, the fan. The fan and the hoova make you very upset. The hoova and the fan. Like living with a Labrador. I hate it. But white noise, God, it was delightful. I might just have to go around. But now I'm worried that I'm wearing my AirPods too much. and I'm going to get ear something. I don't know. I'm getting a bit of a sore ear because I have my headphones in so much.

30:06Rosie Ramsey:Right. Oh, God. Jesus Christ. So that's what that is. I can rule that out. I was like, woman off the goodies. No, woman off the goonies. And in all honesty, the way you are lying, you did look exactly like her. Okay. Speaking of being out, something a bit sad has happened. Yeah. Obviously, we're from a very working class town. Still live here. I love it. Love it to death. South Shields till I die. I, because of what we do now and being a bit more like recognizable and stuff being on TV programs and stuff like that. Yeah. I don't think I can go to rough places anymore. Right, why? Because what happens is, right, people, a bit rough around the edge, you know, you went to school with them and they would just smack you for looking at them wrong.

30:50Rosie Ramsey:Yes. Right, this is where we've grown up, this is the crack. We're all aware of it. If you, you know, when you were younger, if you got on public transport, you don't look directly in people's eyes. because they could beat you up. Fuck you, look at that. Look at me, chewing a brick. Look at me, chewing a brick. Either way, you're going to do some teeth. Classic. Classic. I don't think, whoever made that up, I don't think they were giving enough credit. It's very good. So now, what happens is, I'm out, I'm in the toilets and I'm washing my hands and people are staring at us and they recognise me from the telly but they think that they hate us.

31:25Right.

31:26Rosie Ramsey:They think that I am an enemy and that I've upset them and that I've fought with them in the past and they can't work out they can't work out why they know us but they don't know us and they're just like you're saying people so you mean a couple of people glaring at you in a rough bar they don't know why they know who I am I get you and it's just a bit upsetting I've told you before about the drunk guy who once in the toilet was asking me where he knew he was from but that's what I mean but I told him exactly I know you I know you I know you I know you I know you and it's so aggressive and you don't want to go oh I was on so I've done it before can I see the bake off yeah so I've done it before and I avoided it avoided it avoided it and I went okay mate I don't want me like saying this but I'm a comedian I'm on the telly I do a podcast and he looked us dead in the eye and he went it's not that okay and I went it fucking is like it has to be that but I know what you mean yeah but it's fine and don't get me wrong listen people are lush I like I love going out 99.9 % of people are lovely of course they are amazing and like not everyone's like that but I just I think some people when they you know hard people when they've had a drink they get to a certain stage and they're like why the fuck do I know her and then obviously because I'm intrigued I do look back and then they're like what's the fuck what do I mean and I fucking are her where do I are from what's the fuck what do I mean and then I just think I need to go home and even the other night I put myself down for the karaoke this is really grim by the way put myself down for the karaoke what a horrible night you had it was so busy where the fuck did you go a set of shameless I left before my song came on oh my song didn't even come on it was on a bloody list for ages and I left anyway oh god you know what else is you know when you're getting old and you're out with your friends you know Steph took a bottle of gavis gone out with her it's alright and everyone Everyone had a glug of it.

33:27So the Gaviscon is on my Christmas shop. When I do my Christmas shop, Gaviscon is... When I'm doing that Marxist Christmas shop, I treat myself to a little Marxist Christmas, there is Gaviscon in that fucking basket every single time. Every year, I get the Gaviscon in.

33:41Rosie Ramsey:But it was just the fact that you got it out in the middle of the bar, and everyone was laughing, but then they were like, actually, can I have a bit of that? Like a bottle of Poppers passed around. Do you remember Poppers? Nah, I've never done that. What do you mean? what do you remember about them have you done that oh god I love poppers I used to dip my tabs in poppers and then I'd let them dry and then I would smirk them and you dare to sit on the end and go you know rough people who are rough you fucking I didn't no not rough hard people people some people are hard I'm not hard it's time for what's your beef beef beef beef beef beef beef ladies first um you Don't see a lady here, so I might as well go.

34:26Go on then.

34:27Rosie Ramsey:You keep leaving the frying pan out. Right. On the hob. Right. It really upsets us. Is that the frying pan that you can't use because you're rubbish at it? No, it's not. Just put it away. It doesn't need to sit. It's cooling down. Right. It's cooling down. Oh, for three days. It's cooling down for three days in a row. I have it very hot when I make an omelette. Sorry. Make your omelette. Let it cool down for an hour. Wipe it with a bit of kitchen roll and put it back in the drawer where it belongs. really upset it's left out on the hob. I hate it. And while we're at it, I tell you what, do you want to make something?

34:57Rosie Ramsey:Wipe down the bench. This has been a beef before. You never wipe down that bench. Ever. I've never seen you wash that bench. I've never, ever seen you spray it with a spray and clean the bench. It's mad, isn't it? Because you get annoyed at these things. So the island, we're talking about the island here. It's got the hob on it and stuff, right? Yeah. So the hob's there. You're upset that I haven't wiped the hob. I haven't wiped the bench. And the frying pan's there. yet just behind that is a bench with a sink on it that is just a fucking free-for-all for you. For both? Nah, nothing goes in that dishwasher.

35:29Today you put two cans of water on top of the bench recycling bins underneath completely empty. I did all the recycling yesterday that were just on top of it for no reason.

35:37Rosie Ramsey:I'm just waiting. What, for three days? No, because I would have done it. Honestly. Do you know I've always got so many things on my mind. Do you know I nearly broke my laptop today because I was stripping the beds bringing the stuff downstairs and it dropped out of my hands. So you're so busy, that extra half a second of instead of putting it on the bench, of opening the recycle bin and putting it down there. It's like dropping it on the bench, but a foot in front of the bench. I just can't do it at that time. I just have to, there's a system, it has to stay there. But I would have put them in.

36:08Rosie Ramsey:Oh, all right, all right, all right. Yeah, we're both horrible. Check and mate. Which brings me to my beef. Great. Now, you have started, and I don't know where this has come from because you're giving in all this about your lovers and you've settled into the marriage and you're bloody blah and you're locked in and all that. I genuinely have. Love you. Well, why, why have you became violently aggressive towards my farts? Oh. Something's happened. I spent a little get away with sneaking a little pump out. Now, I fart three rooms away and you're running and start shouting at us. No. You just started to get really upset by them.

36:42No, no. And you started this. Lest we forget, when we first got together, we spent a weekend together and we were both ill because we're held with farts in. and we both had really bad stomachs and you said, look, I can't be with anyone who can't fart. Let's just fart. So the fart gates opened. You were ill when I went to Dubai.

36:57Rosie Ramsey:I had to rub your stomach. Because I wouldn't fart in front of you. Because you didn't fart. Oh, shit. Exactly. That was the plane's fault, not my fault. It was the glass door's fault. No, no, no. What was the glass door on the toilet in a hotel room? First holiday away. Now, listen. Grandma. That, I don't know what's happened, but you started that. You started the world of let's fart in front of each other and now I'm... You're okay then. Maybe your farts have got more disgusting in smell. Something different. It's athletic greens. It is. I've been having athletic greens for years now. Yeah, and it's been the last few years.

37:33Rosie Ramsey:I hate it. You just come in a room and we're talking and you just fart and then the whole room stinks and it's really upsetting. You started this. I didn't start it. You started this. You told me farting was fine and now suddenly farting's not fine. No, it is fine. just don't come into the room that I'm in and fart go do it somewhere else but sometimes you beckon me into that room and I have a fart with us oh you carry them around where you're like the stick the clink the you I do like a little tail I like a little tail I fart I think I'll leave that in this room I walk down the corridor and I think it's come with us yeah it's gross how's it grabbed a hold well actually what's happening it's minor disgusting at the minute as well I think we're getting older oh god old person farts old person farts I think as you get older, your farts become less of a fart and more...

38:21Shit yourself. ...shitting yourself.

38:24Rosie Ramsey:We might have worked out what my IBS is. I think it's your sweetness and your coffee. I think it's sweetness. Yeah. Why all of a sudden, though? Don't know. Been having sweetness for years. Yeah. Because artificial sweetener, it is a laxative. I know it is. But coffee's also a laxative. I know it is. I don't know. Anyway, we'll see. And you're also full of shit. Yeah. Constantly. 24-7. Yeah. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Oh. Very nice. That was really bad. As always, if you let me get in touch, it's shagged.

38:59Marriedannoyed at gmail.com. Right, let's see what's going on in the mailbag. That's your name. I'm the mailbag. Great.

39:08Rosie Ramsey:Hi, guys. I was listening to Toenail Barbie, where Rosie had a beef with Chris for farting during a serious conversation. Yes. This reminded me of the story of my husband, right? So you're not the only one who is disgusting, right? We have a little boy, two and a half, and a baby girl, five months. Got you. So basically two under two, which is just not a scenario I would enjoy. One of them's two and a half, so he's half over two. Yeah, you fucking bullshit, eh? Liar! You're the one who said two under two. It says two under two. No, two under two. Yeah, okay then. Two under three. Oh, wow, you're horrible, you.

39:42I'll just email him back.

39:43Rosie Ramsey:As you can imagine, the newborn stage with my little girl was pretty challenging. I was suffering with postpartum depression and had a baby who would only sleep on my chest. She also rejected a bottle so I could only exclusively breastfeed. Aren't they cunts? One. Oh no, I think babies are so demanding. Kids on the whole. Just like, honestly, lie there and go to sleep. Back in the olden days, you'd be left outside of this shop to fend for yourself. They used to just leave babies outside. So privileged. babies now. I swear to God. Like, yeah. I mean, a child, yeah. Like, you've got... A baby is born and you've got to basically spend the first 10 years of their life teaching them not to be a total fucking prick.

40:25I just, honestly,

40:26Rosie Ramsey:bring back the old days. Do you know when I was a kid, my mom didn't have a double buggy and obviously I was literally two and a half having to walk everywhere, knackered. So what she would do is she'd just empty the bottom of my brother's buggy, put a bit of cardboard down on the flat bit and I used to lie on it. Like Superman. I would lie on the bottom of the buggy and she would just push around and that's the way I would if you claim that that's anything like Superman DC I've got to be in touch well because the joke is I used to be like yeah but yeah bits of dog shit flicking up off the wheels into your face absolutely great awful I know but that's the thing I remember walking because we didn't have a car this time we used to walk back and forth to the nuke yeah and what is that from where I grew up it's about a mile and a half mile and a half little kids and I'd be holding a sack of potatoes potatoes and i was three wow carrying a full sack of potatoes i mean mom's gonna listen to this you know and she's gonna go you know you didn't you never did no you did and remember you had to then come back home and put all your overalls on and clean the chimney as well remember yeah climb all the way up that no i'm sorry and then you went in the shed and all right little iphones together with your tiny little hands let's walk up let's walk up let's walk up let's walk up the shop this afternoon get rave to carry a bag of uh a sack of potatoes he won't carry himself exactly that's what i mean yeah privileged little twats they all are i wonder i don't want this bottle i'll suck on your tit forever so you can't leave the house i just think they're so privileged anyway and i'm not slagging off your kid here they're all the same i'm not just slagging off all kids yeah they're all just don't know the ball they're all dickheads right you ready yeah one night when she was screaming from colic and i hadn't slept for weeks my husband came into the room colic remember colic just fucking pits what was that thing that's not their fault oh what is it it tastes amazing as well it's the little dropper everyone with kids are seeing it now when we can't remember you had it you had to do some like midnight dashes to asda for it because we'd run out of it oh come on what's it called come on let's let's let's see who gets it first not gaviscon it's like that like a gold gold of a stone um what's it called oh man no i'm i'm Ambercol Ambercol it is it's something like that Infercol I won I was I got it you didn't I got it Infercol you only got it from Ambercol you shouldn't have said it out loud you should have said it in your head I win this was that old game show Golden Balls at a store laying fucking smashed you I know you would hashtag sponsored by Infercol right okay so she was screaming from colic and her husband came in the room I lay in bed breaking my heart about how I couldn't manage anymore at that point my husband pulled his arse cheeks apart and thump.

43:11Rosie Ramsey:There goes my hero. Watch him as he goes. I obviously stopped crying and just looked at him in shock. He said he felt anxious because I was so upset and it caused him to have a sore stomach. I can't look because I'm crying. In brackets it said the room fucking stank. the room fucking stank listen this is how scared yous all are when I asked why he pulled his cheeks apart he explained that he thought this would stop it from making a noise it is a silence it kind of feels so it is a silence he's pulling it apart and it just goes yeah if I'm honest it did break the tension and I started to laugh since then there's been times where my husband will be telling me about a situation he's finding hard if I'm not listening he'll moan then I'm not considerate of his feelings I have to reply oh at the time I was having a serious mental health crisis and you just spread your teeth and fuck yeah that's gonna hurt she's got that in the bank for a long time whatever I love the fact so go back so she started saying that she can't handle it and she's having a break she's crying she's literally like I can't do this anymore it made him feel anxious gave him a bad tummy and he had to fart fucking baby but that's something you would say that's something you would absolutely say be like I'm just so tense.

44:34Rosie Ramsey:A hundred percent. I agree. I'm just feeling your stress. I'm just hands down in his pants, fucking grabbing a hold of him. You know that he'll have kept full eye contact and he's trying to do it on the sly. Yeah. He just snipped his fingers afterwards as well. Oh God, that is funny. Hey, bless you though. Love him. I hope you're all right. Yeah, I hope everyone's okay. That's fucking wonderful. And genuinely like, hope you're all right because it's really hard. That's exhausting. Yeah. I've laughed a lot today. I know. Oh, what a nice little time we're having. Is this a comedy podcast? Compod.

45:06Rosie Ramsey:Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Hi, Chris, Rosie, and the boys. After listening to episode 172, where you were talking about massages, I had to send in this story. My brother and I went to Egypt for a break after we both had pretty crappy breakups. We arrived on Halloween evening. This is from last week. Sorry, brother. My brother and I. Right, okay. I think it's two men. Okay. Yeah, two brothers. Both had breakups and then went to Egypt. nice pretty crappy breakups when we arrived we found there was a party figuring figuring we should start as we mean to go on we literally drank the bar dry nice the next day we were by the pool hanging to the point where we both thought we would never drink again we decided it would be a good idea to get some massages we both went into the spa no it's a terrible idea yes you're already dehydrated massages yeah like fair enough you know you're not meant a drink after a massage.

46:03Oh, yeah, they always say that. I know, I'm liking it, mate. Why do you think I'm at the spa hotel? Crazy.

46:08Rosie Ramsey:I will be pissed as a fart. Yeah. Right, okay. So, we both went into the spa and were asked for our pressure preference. My brother opted for soft massage, whereas I, in my ignorance, decided a hard massage might be a good idea. Deep tissue, yeah. Go for it. I don't like massages. Yeah, you... I do not find them relaxing at all. Well, I had a massage, the idea, when I stayed in a posh hotel. when I did my gig in Tolkien. I trekked myself and I stayed in a lovely hotel. I know, I know. I got a massage and what I've realised that I've been doing wrong about massages for years. Well, I think I've been doing it wrong.

46:41I don't know if there's a right way to do it. You know when they do your back? You know the hole in the chair?

46:45Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. So do that with your hands. Do that. Where do you put the hole? What do you mean? There. I just... Is that what you meant to do? So I don't know. I don't know. People on the video, I'll try and describe it as I'm doing it. So I'm looking at the camera now. I don't know if the hole The hole's bigger than that How big's your head? No, no, no The hole My whole head fits in them holes Because you've got a tiny head So the hole's about this big So do you do the hole From like the bottom of your nose And your eyes So you can see the floor No, you do your mouth Or are you supposed to put like Your mouth Definitely Your mouth's enough through it Definitely Well, I hate that though Because I can't breathe sometimes Well And I have to cough I find them so I just hate it When I put my snout My snout Let's say a snout When I put my snout through the hole The rest of it presses on my eyes Uncomfortable I get up.

47:31I fell asleep, right? Of course you did. You don't like to fall asleep, do you?

47:36Rosie Ramsey:It's not that I don't like you fall asleep, but how do you fall asleep when someone's touching your body all over? It's a massage. I fall asleep with a massage. It was nice. I've got a deep tissue one as well. When they go near your bum hole and I'm like, oh God, are you going to... I just find it gross. Like when they drown next to your bum and that and up your legs and shit. Sorry, where are you getting your massages? Pornhub.com? No, it's not even that. Next to your bum hole? I just find them so... I don't even let them touch me fucking feet next to your bum hole. They do sometimes go next to your bum hole.

48:01Rosie Ramsey:They go nowhere. I tell you what, if someone went near my bum hole in a massage, they'd fucking know about it. Spread me. Not that, maybe I'm being, like the bottom of your back. Right. Top of your back. Yeah, bottom of your back. I can't relax. I can't relax when I'm being touched. I don't want to be touched. All I'm saying is, I had me snout through the hole and it was pressed on my eyes and I get up and I can't see, I literally can't see for a good 15 minutes. Right. And I get off and I'm having to fill a form in afterwards. I signed it to the room or whatever. I didn't know what the fuck was going on.

48:27I have to sit there and wait for my sight to come back. I've been doing it wrong. I think you're supposed to put your eyes through.

48:31Rosie Ramsey:Well, do that next time. I'm too scared now. I think I'm going to touch my gun. I'll not be there. I'll have a face. I like a facial. Right, listen. End our massage therapists. Why are you smiling? Facial. What do you mean? It's a bug. It's funny.

48:49Rosie Ramsey:Sometimes I wish I did the podcast with a woman. I do. Why? Because she wouldn't. Because I would say the word facial and she wouldn't automatically think of jizzing in my face. Do you understand? There's no way, if I rang one of my friends and I said, do you fancy going for a facial at the weekend? They would not go, come.

49:11Rosie Ramsey:And I miss that. I want that in my life. Okay. And sadly, if we worked in a different environment, you would not be allowed to say that. Really? Because I'd get you, oh, my co-worker, I mentioned facial and he started laughing talking about semen in your face you'd be sacked right in fact who's our HR have we got anyone it's me would you like to complain excuse me sir my co-worker every time I mention facial he thinks about coming in my face it's a very serious very very serious man can I just take the name of this he's not even that fit right okay well I mean you shouldn't shame him for how he looks we'll just put that down well if he was fit I would let him come in my face right okay so that's really bad that's really bad so now it's 2-1 to you so you've done two bad HR things and he's done one bad HR thing I've done two bad HR things I'm not saying he's ugly to his face I'm telling you the head of HR listen what's this guy's name?

50:04Christopher Rousey great great member of staff

50:07Rosie Ramsey:is it Chad Rivers he's got a few yeah funny guy exemplary record and honestly says no I heard I heard he made Claire in accounts cry no No, because he's the accountant as well. Oh, right. Okay, great. He's actually very good looking. It says here, a top flight athlete, BJJ Blue Belt. Very good looking accountant, HR guy, co-host. It says you've got one job that you do on this podcast, brackets, not very well. Wow. So I'm handing him a resignation. Say that again? Say it again properly? I'm handing in my resignation.

50:59Guess what? You're sacked.

51:00Rosie Ramsey:I'm handing in my resignation. God, that was hard to say. Listen, do you want to hear about these therapists? This is awful. I'm sorry, listeners. This is horrible. Right. I'm giddy at it. End our message, therapist. It's because we're going to London, guys. We've got some time away from the guest. We're going to record some of these. My brother had this beautiful Egyptian woman who was so gentle, he actually ended up falling asleep and snoring his head off. Not quite the relaxing atmosphere I was looking for, but hey-ho. I, however, had this burly man. During the massage, which was agony beyond belief, when he put his entire body weight on my calf, causing me to not be able to walk properly for two days.

51:44Rosie Ramsey:He's asked for a hard massage, yeah. I was laying face down when I felt some pressure on the back of my head. Knowing that both his hands were on my back, I realized that this was in fact his bollocks, which were barely covered in his tiny shorts, which felt like some weird perverted shiatsu massage as they rolled around on my skull. Oh, my God. Oh, God. He moved to a different area on my back. I then felt something drop onto the palm of my hand. that's right this guy was dipping his sack into my hand tea bag in your hand which was a good few inches away from the edge of the table so definitely not an accident oh he's doing it deliberately found it hard to look him in the eye as we left at the end of the session it's from Ian in Leeds he hasn't said a human knowledge nice one Ian now listen so I'm confused do you know if you're balls are you balls sorry can I no listen no no I just feel like I need me HR representative here again for this conversation What?

52:46Come in, Chris. Hi, Chris. Good to see you, Chris. Good to see you, Chris. Right, what?

52:50Rosie Ramsey:Why you got representation with you? What are you scared of? From HR, because you're talking about bollocks. Okay. Okay. All right. Chris, can we... HR, Chris, can we let everybody know that we talk about much worse stuff than this? To be fair, Chris, can you back down, please, mate? Chris, can you please... Chris, nobody likes you. Can you please leave? Shut the door on your way out, Chris. Yes, no, I'm talking to you. Right. Your breath stinks. He's crying. Have a mint. That's not nice. Right, listen. Yeah. You know this piece of skin on your elbow? Yeah. That's, you could squeeze that so tight and you can barely feel it.

53:22Rosie Ramsey:Elephant skin, I'll call it. Are your balls like that? No. Not in the slightest. So you know if your balls are touching something? 100%. So what's this bloke doing? Two things. Either he's so focused on doing the massage and so focused on doing what must be a genuinely quite a complicated thing. I often think, how do they make sure they've done the same to both sides? See, okay, right. This is why I don't like massages. Every time I get, you know what I'm going to say. Every time I get a massage, I listen to the music and I'm like, how do they know when to move? My brain takes over and I start wanting to know all about their job.

53:58Rosie Ramsey:And I go, when do they know how to move? And then I start counting how many times the touches and what moves they do on each certain side. And I count and I'm just like, I am not relaxing. I'm trying to work out your system. So I had one once and they did a load of shit to one leg and then they did a load of different shit to the other leg and I was like, am I going to walk in circles after this? Well, this is what I mean. If you're not doing the same and then they touch your hand and then I'm getting round and round the car. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. So he's either very intent on what he's doing or he's deliberately putting his balls on the fella.

54:29And he's sick. That's the two options. He's sick. That's just the two options.

54:31Rosie Ramsey:If you could come back, please. Sorry, he's gone. You've upset him. He's left. We need to speak to him about this. Listen, no, it's not his job. Is he a job? Not for them. Not for that hotel. Also, I blame pornography and massage parlours that are brothels for how sometimes awkward you feel with a massage. Because I was... Not the places we go. Yeah, but I was... There's no sex beat. No, no, no. Well, the better bloody not be. Again, they haven't offered me. But I got the form. I was booking it and they said, do you want a male masseuse or a female masseuse or does it not matter? And I just ticked, doesn't matter.

55:06Because I thought if I asked for a woman, am I a pervert? No. I think you'd rather have a woman, would you not? Well, what's the... No, but I thought about it and I was like, well, what's the difference? I've got my head in the little hole, the little donut hole. It could be fucking anyone. It doesn't matter. As long as they know what they're doing, I don't care.

55:19Rosie Ramsey:Oh, I want a woman, me. Yeah? I always want a woman. It's supposed to be different for a woman, but I was like, I'm not asked. Well, I don't think it would be bad if you asked for a woman. I feel like I'd walk in and they'd go, here he is. Here he is, everyone. The pervert. Coming at him, being touched by a woman only. No, but women have got softer hands. That's all I'm thinking. I don't want softer hands. I want fucking... No. I want you to fucking need me soul. I love you in that, but just get touched by a woman. Nah. I'm not giving you a full body massage. At the end of the day, it was a woman and she was brilliant.

55:50Well, there you go. Yeah.

55:51Rosie Ramsey:Lovely. Yeah. I don't, like, you, right. I suppose a woman can't teabag you. You're allowed to want a woman. Just, no. I'll tell you right now, because of the men in this world who ruin it for everyone else, in certain situations like that, you feel like a fucking pervert. Well, I know. but also on the same hand like it's not gay if you get a massage of a man but I think you're allowed to rather have one from a woman yeah you're not like homophobic or anything no but I just it just felt weird but then again a mate of mine's a physio he's brilliant when he does it it's fucking amazing but I know him oh Chris I don't know it's just you're allowed to have preferences I would rather get a massage from a woman I think people people with brains like ours shouldn't get massages because I think you overthink it and I overthink it.

56:39Rosie Ramsey:Oh, it's horrible. The whole experience is just... Yeah, you're here. And I'm like, when's this ending? And you shouldn't really think about that in a massage, should you? You should be really relaxed, but I'm like, when can I get out of here? So I've stopped getting them now. Oh, I get a head... I like a head massage. Have I ever told you... This is probably staying, but don't get weird about it. Oh. I went for a massage, a couple's massage once with a previous girlfriend. Why took my ex? God, I miss them. All of them. I miss them all so much. I went for a couple's massage. Yes. It was in the same room.

57:12Neither of her enjoyed it and neither of her could have enjoyed it in any way because the two masseuses were talking to each other, but really fucking quietly.

57:23Rosie Ramsey:That's awful. So like the music's on. And all I could hear, head down, and she was the same head down, was like this. Listen, listen.

57:38and I was like I couldn't hear what they were saying that's so unprofessional I could only hear the odd word and I'd just lay the whole time going what the fuck are they saying

57:44Rosie Ramsey:oh see that nah I couldn't do that that's so unprofessional do you remember when we went and the wank at the end was terrible did you all last sent your ears though I actually loved it do you remember when we got that mud thing and it was just really weird yes what was that that was at a posh hotel when we weren't we weren't together very long and we got we got like a mud wasn't a we had to put mud on ourselves in this little shower room mud on you yeah it was odd did we massage did we massage it off each other what was it anything sexy what happened it was mud did we just wash it off it was me or we just sat we just sat with it on for like 20 minutes and then wash it off and then your skin feels slightly softer afterwards but you know what wash your face with fairy liquid feels soft after that yeah that was shit wasn't it why did we do that that was nice experience from our time in that.

58:35Rosie Ramsey:Oh God, probably had sex when we got back to the room. Not if there was mud involved, Noelle. I had multiple showers, you know me. Well, yeah. No chance. Absolutely no chance. I did hide up me fanny. Just definitely enough of a deterrent. I think that's one of my favourite phrases. Hide up me fanny. Hide up me fanny. Hide up your fanny. So there you go. Brilliant. I can't wait for the kids to listen to this when they're all in. I'm still having anxiety dreams about the kids listening to this, by the way. Yeah. Oh, just because I said something the other day, you know the whole Lily Allen thing that's happened recently.

59:03Rosie Ramsey:She's done that whole album. I haven't actually listened to it yet. Because she's had a breakup and she's doing the album. Because she's had the breakup. And then my first thought was, not first thought, because I think it's empowering and I think it's great. But then I was like, oh, what about the kids? The kids are going to have to listen to that. And then I was like, what about my kids? My kids might listen to this one day. I may talk about Heinz stuff on my fanny. So I thought, Rosie, you're a hypocrite. Yeah, yeah. Huge hypocrite. Huge hypocrite. But you know, if anything, you've always admitted that you're a hypocrite.

59:29Rosie Ramsey:Always. I am a hypocrite. Same.

59:37Rosie Ramsey:As always, thank you so much for listening and watching this week's episode of Shagged, Married, Annoyed. We love you. I love you so much. We do indeed. Thank you so, so much. As always, if you want to get in touch at shaggedmarriedannoyed.gmail.com please continue to like, rate and subscribe and all that stuff. Nothing else to report. Nothing for sale. A couple of two tickets. Oh, the book's out now. The book. The book's out now. There's a Poon Army at Christmas. It's in the background there on the video. It's out now. I think it came out on the 6th. Yes, 6th. The day after Guy's birthday. no no is his birth no three days after guy official look who knows who knows he's like the queen guy can have as many birthdays as he wants what day did they take him to the courthouse to get him registered registered town hall you gotta take your things to the town hall we had to take your babies a fish alright okay I thought we'd done about Guy Fawkes getting it oh it doesn't matter guys thank you so much bye bye