Toenail Barbie

26:59Rosie Ramsey:Honestly, it's going to get very dirty because I'm not going back. Have you ever heard... I've sometimes left the automatic washers on, automatic wipers on, and then the spray of the window and then the windscreen might have started. That pisses them off. That pisses them off something. I can imagine. Yeah. I mean, they're working bloody hard. I give them a nice tip because they're spent. I always tip them. They're doing me care for ages. Because it's fucking scruffy. I know. You're a disgrace. It's time for What's Your Beep? What's your beep? What's your beep? What, what, what, what, what's your beep?

27:27Right. Would you like to go first?

27:29Rosie Ramsey:I can do. Okay. yesterday we were having a very serious discussion and you decided to fart really loudly during it and I just find I just didn't appreciate it at all I apologised profusely it was a very serious heart to heart what happened I hate farting I do apologise I hate other love me own there it is hate it when anyone else farts don't mind the kids farts and Rafe's all getting ripe and can we just say Rafe doesn't what's wrong with him he doesn't make much noise no they just go they go it's exactly I'll tell you like that and then they hit you like that and you go that's going to be bad that one life he's just pure he's Mr.

28:16Rosie Ramsey:Cheese Sandwich it's all he eats at school the teacher had the teacher pulled us we need to stop because it's just the teacher pulled us he was like so he just chews his cheese sandwich and he went yeah so I've heard yeah I was just going through the dinners bleh bleh that noise is upsetting when he does that oh it's like I was bad I was really bad I know Robin eats like you did I like Reeve eats like me it just is what it is but yeah in my defence that thought I thought it was going to be a silent one it was anything but it was long alright I misjudged it obnoxious it was intrusive it was awful it was bad I don't know if it smelled because I didn't move I apologised quickly and profusely a good few times and I'm still apologising now.

29:01I'm very sorry. There's no need for that.

29:03Rosie Ramsey:You do a lot of public farting, actually. Yeah? Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. A bit much. Bring it in. Well, we had, our friends were around the other day and one of my best mates was their partners was doing your hair. Yeah. And me and him had been out for a few pints and a curry the night before. So I had to keep going in the garden to check on stuff. Very coughed. To check on stuff. I was just walking in the garden coughing really loud. We knew what you were. I mean, we all knew what you were doing. Yeah, I was telling you. Because you said I'm going outside for my coughs. Yeah, for my coughs. I was like...

29:35It's great. My beef with you...

29:38Rosie Ramsey:I don't know how you possibly could because I have been a joy. This is something I only just realized the other day. This is something I only just really noticed that I've got a problem with the idea. And I didn't really realize. Every time this happens, every time I have to do this thing, I dread it and I didn't realize why. And now I know why. Me? So you came in the idea with the shopping. So whenever you've been, I dread when you've been to a big supermarket. Why? And you come back with the shopping and you go, can I have a hand unpacking the shopping? There is fucking zero, zero correlation between what you have in each bag.

30:15Rosie Ramsey:I cannot pack. I get so stressed. I'll get so stressed. Like it's horrible I have to go through. I open the bag. Don't pull a baby face at me. I open the bag and I'm like what's going on here there's literally like packets of mints wrapped in like new pyjamas no no I'm not that bad I don't put fresh meat with clothes I'm telling you I do not there's literally slippers with chicken in them no light bulbs in with the milk picture frames with fucking packets of crisps on them there's no correlation when I do that I get everything out of the basket and I put it on the I put it on the conveyor belt in sections like the generation game no but how did with a trolley How do you do that with a trolley?

30:54Because I do it as I'm putting it in the trolley. I keep everything sectioned up.

30:57Rosie Ramsey:Well, good for you. I haven't got that much time on my hands. You take longer in the shops than me. I hate the way I pack. I will actually half join you. I join you in the middle. I meet you in the middle for this. I hate packing. I find it really stressful. I hate the way that the judge you when you pack in and pass everything so quickly. It's really upsetting. And as well, this is another problem. It's because in some shops, I've got the scanner because I've got the app. in other shops I just don't and I could get it I just haven't got it every time I think what shop is it where there's one of the big ones that I haven't got it and I'm like Rosie you come here all the time get it I know what you mean I've only got it for one of them yeah I should get it for the other one but just stop it because it's awful I can't wear them pyjamas now I'm going to have to get rid of them I have not honestly I'm really good with the meats nah I am I would happily mince around this house in pyjamas that haven't been covered in mince but they've been covered in mince so I can't mince around this house happening in the Mention Chalmers.

31:55Rosie Ramsey:There'll be no mincing happening in our house. So they are going in the wash. So you sound? Actually, you know what it is? Weirdly, another mate of mine, did I say this already in the podcast? Mate of mine who was out the other night. Really normal bloke. You haven't said anything yet. No, no. Normal bloke. Let's wait and see it. He's a really normal bloke. Okay. He's not highly strung or high maintenance in any way, shape or form but he absolutely swears by as soon as he buys new clothes from the shop, straight in the wash. Will not wear them straight out of the shop, straight in the wash. He always says some in his words some manky bastard could have had them on in the shop.

32:25Rosie Ramsey:I actually really agree with this. I bought a golf top the other day and halfway around the course I sniffed myself and I went that's not me. Yeah. I've done it before. I've worn a new top on a night out and I've stank. Yeah. And I've thought this is someone's worn this and took it back or something. These fucking flies. Somebody died in here. Oh you got it. Make a wish. No. Oh, it survived. Whoa. Bionic fly. It's on the laptop. Well, let it live. Let it live. It's not doing any harm. Tell your friends. Yeah, don't fucking come back, you little bastard. It's time for questions from the public.

33:03Questions from the public. Public. That was the best one we've done for a while, that. I know, it was good. Right on sync. Well done. Fist bump you. As, what are you doing?

33:11Rosie Ramsey:I've just had a burp. Lovely. A lurk, lurking, burping. As always, if you'd like to get in touch, at shagged marriedannoyed at gmail.com i'm going to start off with one and we haven't had something like this for ages it's very much um it's a it's a what people will buy online oh but this one this one is interesting all right okay not what not not what you'll think straight away okay uh hello the ramsey family kids aren't here hopefully they're never going to listen for a long long time yes that's just my fever dreams got you anyway quite recently i decided to do something a bit different me my partner are a bit kinky so we thought we'd try to profit from it yeah all right we started off selling underway on a basic website we got a few orders really simple and ended up selling around eight pairs used underway yeah yes hello nothing hello welcome to shag Married the Noid the podcast but this is not going to be this is not basic M &S knock off no it's just basic worn for a few days you know what I mean what's that got to do with being kinky I don't know great go on then I I notice that when I've been in the gym if I go to the loo after my knickers if I've got like not black knickers if I've got light coloured knickers like the sweat that forms around my crotch area is insane and I sometimes do think in the back of my mind, especially when I read this, I thought, I could sell them.

34:45Awful. Is that weird? Yes, that's really weird. It's really awful.

34:49Rosie Ramsey:But it's true though, because it's like in a perfect... Sorry? Because if you think of your knickers, right? If you think of the cropped bit... Well, my knickers. Think of my knickers. Oh, no, come on. Really cast your mind back really hard. Okay. Okay? They're just like the pasty-coloured ones, like the pastel-coloured ones. like the bit that's in the middle okay the little liner the crotch bit it's just a perfect sort of like there's like a dry bit in the middle and around the sides is like sweat patches and I just think I think I could sell them if I took a picture of them straight away oh my god on the toilet like at the floor wrapped around my ankles holy shit no Okay.

35:37Rosie Ramsey:Right. You ready? Everything about that made me sad. Why? The fact that someone would buy it as well. Loads people buy it. Do you know what it is? I'm not being funny. Honestly, if I catch you. I've got quite a lot of followers. I could sell. Not on your main Instagram. Do it on a basic website. What do you mean Instagram? Fucking hell. Don't tag me in it if you do. Oh, God. Rosie, why did the telework dry up? Might have been around the time I sold them niggas online. Ironically, it was when we niggas got soaken that it dried up. Okay, well, listen to this. As the order has dried up, we tried another website and this took things to a whole new extreme level.

36:16Rosie Ramsey:All right? You're going to be thinking my wet panties are now compared to this. I hate these people so much. From the moment I joined, I realised people don't just sell underwear. They sell everything. And yes, Chris, you're going to feel sick. I do. I'm already upset. To name just a few things people will buy, this is an example, girlfriend experiences. Like being your girlfriend for 24 hours. Or ignore calls where people pay to phone you and you just ignore them. Sorry, that can't be a thing. Clearly. Well, buy another fucking phone, put it in the other room on silent and bring that. But you know that you're doing that.

36:59There's no thrill there. There's no thrill in them not ignoring. I understand getting given a load of shit on the phone. I understand if you're going to phone them and they're picked up and go, fucking leave me alone, you pervert. It's literally just to ignore them.

37:11Rosie Ramsey:Ignore them. Girlfriend experience. What, do you have to go around and see them? Is that not just an escort? Girlfriend experience being a girlfriend for 24 hours. Maybe it might be, well, yeah, basically sort of an escort. But it might just not be the other stuff. Like maybe it's just go to the cinema, hold hands and stuff. Right. Like a wife experience could be just come around the house and nag them for 24 hours. Get nagged. Yeah, just get nagged. So I could understand that. Get shouted at. Ignoring calls is really weird, but okay. Yeah. But I won't mess around. I'll get straight to the dirt.

37:42Oh, God.

37:43Rosie Ramsey:Chris, you're not going to like this, but Rosie, I think you'll find it hilarious. We'll see. Here are some of the things for sale, though I haven't done all of them. This is one of them. Spit chewed up sweets put back in the bag and sent off. Prison. Get a prison. Ombud hair, pubic hair, and even wee. Electric chair. You're right. Straightly electric chair. if you've bought that honestly get in the queue get that wet sponge on your head sit yourself down zappy zap I forgot the put a wet sponge does that still happen with the wet sponge I'll bring it back for this it was drying remember what was it did it on purpose didn't he on the green mile that was heartbreaking unbelievable film brilliant fan I might watch that again actually listen don't talk about it anymore because what you're going to do in my brain you're going to link the green mile and this fucking shit and next time I watch the green mile I'm going to remember this perverted shit no alright move on Oh, middle jungles.

38:35Rosie Ramsey:Oh, middle jungles. Stop it, man. It's a good film. Now, here's what I have done. So, she hasn't done any of that. Oh, hey, actually. So, there was chewed up spit put back. Chewed up, no, like a sweet. Like, you know what, Elf? When he does all of the... So, just chewed up sweets put back. And that's fine. I mean... It's not fine. Someone's paying for that. Mm-hmm. Oh, God. And now, and what? Pubes and hair and piss. Yeah. Now, here's what I have done. The weirdest one... Postman. I know. This is what I thought. I just thought of our lovely the every people that our DHL the post people I just thought these poor boogers having to carry around this shit the weirdest one I know and I know it's come up on your podcast before was toenails 15 quid 15 quid for the toenails I'm sorry bargain but the strangest by far bargain 15 quid yeah but they don't fucking I'll see okay I'm blue ticked I'd get more for my toenails right hashtag verified awful come on then combine together us we could get 250 quid for our toenails I'm not promise you I can imagine we could but I'm not gonna it's not happening well we'll just see how it goes but the strangest by far has to be my hoover contents sold do you know how much right hoover contents right 20 pound go and fuck off no no someone's just bought she's emptied a fucking hoover into a carrier bag and sent it so they know she's a woman with a house it doesn't say whether this is a male or female or or everybody I have to imagine here that some dirty pervert is just opening a bag of just dirt from someone else's house and getting off on the fact that it's just a load of dirt from someone else's house and maybe pouring it on themselves and maybe wanking with it and that oh Jesus Christ What the fuck?

40:32Rosie Ramsey:I just can't think of anything worse. When I empty that Hoover. Two seconds. What? Yep. Oh, he's on the phone. Yeah, send it. Yeah, send it now. Straight away. Yeah. Yeah, no. We're done. We're done. Send it. Thank you. Cheers.

40:48Just God, he's sending the meteor. Oh. Sending the meteorite. Do you believe in God now? I've ordered it straight away. Whoever. I've ordered the meteorite. Okay. Just finish it. We're done.

40:58Rosie Ramsey:I just find the Hoover contents one very dusty. When we empty the Hoover, it's like you put it in the back. We've got a Dyson, so you empty it like a trumpet, isn't it? It's horrible. Yeah. But then the dust comes back in your face. Yeah. I absolutely hate doing it. So what I do is I empty it, then I quickly shut it, and then I turn it on, and all the dust that's come up, I suck it all out like a whirlwind. Oh, that's a good idea. I think you'd be better off buying your bin liner. I'd rather have your bin liner. Can I just say, no. Can I just... It actually gets worse, but let's just keep going.

41:29Rosie Ramsey:Really? this is not bad well Tony isn't a bit of Hoover content no but it's just right the point is right you know when you go for like a job interview or whatever or you know I mean I haven't been for a job it's been a while yeah maybe like I don't know like an assessment at work or something or look over what you've been doing and how you've been working what's it called yeah okay an appraisal something like that and you sit down imagine like imagine there is a God and there is heaven and we go you know at the end of this yeah I hope there is and we I'd love it if that was true and we go and we sit down and imagine it's like an office and you're sitting and you're waiting and you go through and they've got your life and they're just going through most things you could be like right yeah I shouldn't have done that or whatever imagine when he gets to the page of and and you just section 48 you buy you buy piss and toenails and hoover contents off the internet and you take them home and you masturbate with them do you want to just nobody said anything about masturbating with them in their defence what are you doing with them I don't know alright well okay you buy all them of the internet what are you doing with them yeah bearing in mind I am God and I know if you're lying well yeah he knows trap door down to hell do you think this person buying the Hoover contents is male or female just out of interest are you joking there's absolutely no chance of that as a woman there was no fucking chance on this earth no woman would buy Hoover contents not in a million fucking years I don't think any women would buy toenails neither honestly these are fucking gross these are actually lifting sorry why am I getting attacked I'm the one upset not all of yours go on get on to the good stuff then I'm just saying now I think if you had an erection and you saw a Hoover Contents I don't think you would lose your erection you don't think I would right okay I've got right maybe you I'm full masked I'm ready to go I'm ready to go right in what scenario are these Hoover Contents being right okay we've got a dog right And the dogs brought the hoover in.

43:30Rosie Ramsey:It's broken. It's fell all over the floor. And what are we doing at that point? You're just about to put it in. No chance. You've got no chance. You've got absolutely no chance. You better, here, sit at the vibrate and finish yourself off. That's the line from Ali G in the house. Yeah, you've got no chance. Right, great. It's done. Listen. Listen to this. Too good to miss. Tra-la-la-la-la-la. Do you know what I went? I went fully off getting a dog today. Why? So the gardener's dogs here today, Paddy. My favourite dog in the world. I love him. Yeah. Right? And I was in the house this morning telling you how much I loved the dog while he was outside.

44:08I go like, look at Paddy, look at him. Isn't he handsome boy? He's lush. Yeah, he's lovely. So you know the massacre on the drive of like the pigeon or whatever the hell went on the other day? Oh yeah, was he eaten? I think you put it on Instagram. Mm-hmm. So all that's left of it, because all of the rodents and things during the night of 80, now I haven't fucking moved it, all that's left of it is like two wings attached with like shoulder bones or whatever. That's still there. I have walked past that a few times. It was there. I was stroking him and then he walked over to it and he got it up and he put it in his mouth and he had a wing hanging out of each mouth like looking like if he ran fast enough he'd fucking take off and he was just crunching it.

44:41He was crunching it. When he was bringing it up he was crunching it and I was going get away and the gardener went he's a dog it's what he does. I went well I'm never getting one.

44:49Rosie Ramsey:No I know. And they're not like they're not cute when they're like that. When they do stuff like that. Vile I know Vile And sometimes they'd like Eat their own vomit in that I mean I'm alright I've gone right off at me We'll just borrow We'll borrow Bersi It's fine Listen Horrible You're gonna Just We're not even at the good bit yet Calm down Please don't think badly Of me When I tell you this next part Too late It's definitely the worst And Chris You're not going to like it At all But hey Everyone needs Some pocket money I'm upset that she knows my name I'm upset that she's speaking The name You don't know If it's a woman Oh, except me and my partner are kinky.

45:25Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. Right, okay, so it could be two women or two men, or a man and a woman. Okay, fair enough. It could be any sex. Okay. One guy paid me to douche myself in the bath. You know what doucheing is? I don't know what doucheing is. Okay, it says here, Chris, if you don't know what it is, don't, don't, don't you dare. Don't you dare say, then send the water. Do you want to explain what doucheing is to our friends at home? Cleaning your bum out. It's cleaning your bum out. You stick it like a hose up your backside. You clean your bum out. Yeah. I didn't realise it was a thing until I saw a comedian talk about it.

45:55Rosie Ramsey:I've known about it for years. I've got a lot of gay male friends who do it quite regular. I often think it must be quite good. I've never done it myself. I had clonic irrigation once. It was unbelievable. I would love that, you know. Unbelievable. I would love it. Yeah, I've never had a douche. Do they still think it might not be that good for you, clonic irrigation? Because it gets rid of all the good bacteria as well as the bad bacteria. I think it gets rid of everything. It's like starting again. Possibly. Fuck me. It's amazing. But that's the worst. that's that that is what and I'm telling you now it's a man by the way it's a man it's 100 % the man who's writing this yeah I apologise it's a man who's just who knows my name so once I'd finished cleaning I had to collect the water with all the bits in it put it in a bottle and send it to him him I mean it was never that was never up for argument was it that's just along with that I also sent my foot dust which I scraped off and sprinkled in the pasta for him to eat he's getting dumb you ever heard of Deliveroo you fucking pervert yes you read that right horrific I don't know what I'm I'll finish this and then we'll find out which one is more upsetting the first one although then again I'm sorry because you know what I'll tell you why I'm sorry I love pasta and the thought of somebody scraping the crusty heel on my spag ball is I suppose to be fair absolutely vile there's something about the first one is so on the nose and blatantly vile.

47:21Douched his arse. He's kept the water. He's sent it away. Awful. Prison. Murder. There's something worse about the pasta. I agree.

47:28Rosie Ramsey:Because the pasta's like... You might change your mind. Snide. To finish, to finish, here's his reply after he drank it. And yes, he even sent me a video. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot to mention that. Sorry. It's for human consumption. He drank it. The douche water. I thought he just wanted it like a lava lamp in the corner of his room. No, the douche water is for drinking purposes. I'm nearly retching. My eyes are watering. Chris, well, just stay in that position. He even sent me a video of himself doing it, showing his tongue with the floating bits. His final message to me was, thank you for eating sweet corn.

48:06Rosie Ramsey:I was so pleased to see it in there.

48:13That. That has ruined my, and I'm telling you this right now, month.

48:23Rosie Ramsey:I love Sweet Corn. My month is ruined. That's why I don't like Sweet Corn.

48:33Rosie Ramsey:You'll be glad to know. This is my first email, though I've been a long-time listener. I've seen you both in concert and Chris once, and I've booked tickets for the future tour. Chris is also a big crush for me. Oh, there you go. hey maybe he'll get mate rate

48:55Rosie Ramsey:little discount please keep me anonymous look again you know if there's a market for it no I'm sorry these people you know you stand next to these people in this market some of them got a little tupperware of pasta in their in their bag I just don't know at what point you think I would love to drink someone's horse water

49:21Rosie Ramsey:it's just horrible honestly I think if I this this carbonara I'll pay nicely with a bottle of lukewarm arse water from another postcode just don't get it I don't get it I kind of get I get gimsuits and all that and you understand the orgies and my eyes have been opened to a lot of stuff but the drink the drinking of the arse juices just sent me over the edge but someone not even he's not even there that's just scent He doesn't even know him. He could have just got some mud out of the garden and mixed it. It was a video. No, I mean the person's... Well, he would know the taste, wouldn't he, obviously?

49:55Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, but he's obviously going to stick mud up his arse. Oh, you mean he could have done that? Look, I don't think I want to discuss this anymore. I'm done. So am I. I'm sorry. It's been a while since I had a really... That's aged me that, like... ...awful one. That's aged me that, like... I'm sorry. Just once. Sweetheart, buddy. Caught on the cover. Sweetheart. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Hey, friends. Olivia from Ollie. Between new routines and the ultimate group project known as parenting, you need science-backed solutions that work with your life. That's where Oli comes in. Start your mornings off right with Maltese made to support nutrition and immune health.

50:27Choose from our lineup of gut-supporting probiotics,

50:29Rosie Ramsey:and we've got occasional sleep support to help the whole fam chase their big dreams. Head back to class with the number one gummy supplement brand. Stock up on Oli.com today. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Hello from Oregon, USA. Oh, nice. Hello. Why are we so excited about this? Honestly, just 90s kids who've grown up watching American films and TV. I know. The fact that someone's, that's amazing. Hello. Hi. It's crazy. Hi. Seriously, long time listener before lockdown.

51:03Rosie Ramsey:First time emailer. Love you. Thank you. Your Bump a Summer Best Of series reminded me of my very own childhood toenail story. My dad is kind of an outdoorsman. always hiking and hunting and working on the family car of his fishing boat. He's like proper American dad. He's like real American dad. What kind of shirts he got on, Rosie?

51:27Rosie Ramsey:Tropical. What, no? No, he's got one of them that's got the square pattern on. 100%. Yeah, like one of them shirts. You must have. Yeah, like, yeah. You know what I mean? I can see him. Dude, innit? I can see him. Yeah, yeah. He smells like sweat, but nice sweat. Right, okay. You know? Oh, right. This is something totally different. I'm going down like a war rabbit hole on the Peloton because it makes us run faster. Yes. I'm watching stuff. War movies. Love them. All I think about is what they smell like. It's all I can think about. It's ruining the full films. They're in the trenches and all I can think is it's fucking sticking in it.

52:02Yeah, yeah. Right. I think they had more to worry about than that.

52:06Rosie Ramsey:Of course they do. But at the same time, I can't stop thinking about it. When I was little, I think something heavy must have fallen on his big tone. Okay. Or he just heard it hiking. Okay. All I remember is that it got very thick and it turned black and eventually it fell off. Poor thing. I was about four or five years old and used to really abuse some of my Barbie dolls. Fuck me, I came from nowhere. I know. I did the same. Right. You know the Barbie film, We Had Barbie, is so relatable. Right, okay. You haven't seen it, but there's a Barbie doll character that is just like... Oh, no, I've seen that clip.

52:42Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, pen on our face. Because we all really savagely attacked a Barbie that we owned. Just one. Yeah. Just one. Wanted to destroy something beautiful. Yeah. We did it. I did it at dogs, like little pet dogs and everything. I had... Toys. Toys. Toys, obviously. Jesus, careful, man. I pretended that I had a vets and stuff, and we used to, like, cut them open. Right. And, like, take their insides out and that, and, like, stitch them back open. Teddy bears. Yes. But I'm just Rosie. Oh, God, okay. Teddy bears. Just saying. Me and Katie used to do it all the time. So listen.

53:13Maniacs.

53:15Rosie Ramsey:One in particular, I got many haircuts and tattoos added to her. My dad thought it would be funny to fashion her a sun visor from his toenail.

53:32Inventive. Very clever. Horrible. Yes, it's horrible. It's horrible. It's horrible. It's one of the worst things I've ever heard. 10 out of 10 for how ingenious that is.

53:44Rosie Ramsey:I'm sorry. I would not have let one of my dad's manky black toenails on my Barbie's head. Son buys that out of his manky toenail. That's ingenious. I'm on board with that. I'm disgusted. I am disgusted. Don't get us wrong. I'm not going near it. Yeah. But hey, 10 out of 10 for originality. It gave a lot of joy to the house though. Listen to this. as we got older we would hide the Barbie doll with her tied on visor in various places to prank each other like in drawers coat pockets or lunchbox for work that's great that's great eventually the toenail visor was lost we couldn't find our clothes and the Barbie's head came off it would just be a naked doll body we would hide to prank each other this stopped around when I was 15 or 16 and I just figured we had lost the doll I kind of love pranks like that though through families I like that they did it I like it must have just been every time they found it somewhere I mean, can we just talk for a moment?

54:40The tied-on visor. I thought glue would have been better. Well, I imagine if it's tied on with a little bit of string, that means the toenail is so disgusting and thick that he's been able to drill a hole through either side of it

54:51Rosie Ramsey:to tie some stuff on, to then tie around the barbie set. What a toenail that must have been. Can I just say, though, where did that toenail go? Yeah, they just randomly lost it. That's funny. Dog probably ate it, something like that. Oh, God, that's gross. Sorry, we were a bit gross today. It is a bit gross today. I'll not be the next one won't be gross that's alright I like grossness okay babadoo babadoo babadoo hi Rosie and Chris I am cabin crew for a very British airline I want to share my most memorable story from my 10 years of flying 10 years I'd only been flying for around 3 months and a little innocent 23 year old I was loving the fact I got to travel all around the world and all I had to do was serve diet cokes and juice once a week until this flight to Mexico Mexico Mexico go i was working in the business class cabin well well well which backs onto a set of toilets and the premium economy cabin part of our checks is to check the toilets every 30 minutes as i went to check this toilet a woman i didn't know that as i went to check this toilet the woman approached me saying a gentleman had been in there a long time i knocked on the door and asked if everything was all right no response his wife in her late 60s was sitting in the front row of the premium economy cabin and said that it was her husband in the toilet i said to her could she check on him as i could open the door with a secret latch on the door from the outside i know that latch i've seen them do it oh i didn't know that i've seen that latch as she did and i turned away she gasped as her husband was lying in the toilet now screaming in agony as i looked in the toilet his face was bright red sweating from the pain with his trousers around his ankles lying curled up on the floor he started to scream i can't pee i can't pee oh fuck that must be oh my god you're gonna get annoyed though i quickly ran to grab another crew member for some help the wife told me he had just had an operation on his bladder and that the doctors told them not to travel as this type of blockage might happen twat fuck's sake i can't bear people like that get in the bin you just you're basically you're running the risk of fucking up everyone else's holiday i mean Mexico, where the fuck are you going to land?

57:05Rosie Ramsey:Well, exactly. Are you going to turn around? If you're closer, if you're going across the Atlantic and you're closer to go back, they're just going to turn around and go back. You're not nipping to France, are you? This is a long flight. Oh shit, I thought, this is not good. We quickly made a PA to request help from a doctor as soon as possible as a gentleman looked like he was going to pass out. Within minutes, a girl approached saying she was a newly qualified doctor. She looked about 16 and very dubious slash scared to volunteer to help when she saw us huddled around the toilet. She also said she had two glasses of wine.

57:36Rosie Ramsey:Would that be a problem? Wow. I thought, well, you're all we've got and we are currently halfway over the Atlantic Ocean. There it is. We got our medical kit for her and she said to us that we needed to drain out the urine using a catheter at which I responded, sorry, we? Yes, that's what will come out. Out of 10 cabin crew, I was the only male. Looks like I was going to have to do this as no other medical profession had come forward. We moved the 16... Is 16 stone big for a bloke? Is that pretty big? I mean, he's not a little fella, but he's not, you know, they're not going to make a documentary about him anytime soon.

58:11Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. We moved the gentleman to one of the doors which we could pull the curtains across. The doctor lay him on the jump crew seat and asked me to completely undress him as she prepared the equipment. He was sweating profusely and in agony. The doctor then got the catheter out of our medical kit and started to insert the numbing gel and lube onto his penis and the catheter. Oh,

58:34stuff up the end of dicks, upsets me, no end.

58:39Rosie Ramsey:I kind of love it, man. She then said, I'd have to hold back his foreskin and hold his penis as she inserted it. Within a second or so, this is in the air, by the way, in a plane. Within a second or so of it going in, everything started to come out. Urine, blood, yellow, white puss. I started to retch and she panicked as the catheter started to slip out. I shouted to the crew behind the curtain, Ice buckets! Ice buckets! We need an ice bucket! We in fact filled two ice buckets of this mixture of urine, blood and pus. The smell was making my eyes water. All the while, the gentleman was sat somewhat relieved.

59:14Rosie Ramsey:The pain was going away and due to the numbing gel, oblivious to the doctor trying to jab this catheter back into his urethra continuously as this river of biohazard waste just kept spurting out onto these ice buckets and my arm as we hauled the buckets and his penis. And my arm. I didn't pick that up when I did it. Eventually, after four attempts, shudder, the catheter went in, which was pointless now as everything he needed to come out had. Oh, so hang on. That wasn't even with the catheter. It just started coming out. They must have just made a... Oh, Jesus Christ. Brought the seal. I'm in a bad way.

59:48Are you okay? I'm in a bad way. You've gone a bit pale. Yeah, this has been rough for me, this episode. I have gone a bit pale. Sorry. I just stuck myself in the camera there.

59:56Rosie Ramsey:he looked up at me and saw my name badge and said the name I'm so sorry for this and you having to do this I reassured him maybe by not saying it was my pleasure but with don't worry sir I've had plenty I've held plenty penises in my lifetime in brackets I am gay he smiled awkwardly

1:00:17you know what you know what you're doing this for the guy he's flown when he shouldn't have yeah hit him with that joke that's your right that's your right that's a funny joke

1:00:26Rosie Ramsey:like don't fly disgrace don't fly I fully agree with don't fly if you're being told not to fly I fully agree with that because you're trapped everyone's trapped everyone's trapped they had a mayday in Mexico what does that mean go faster mayday into Mexico I imagine jump the queue for landing see so then muggins on another plane would have been bloody in the air missing connecting flights because of this prick where's your where's your connect flight from Mexico where you going Turks and Caicos is that a place yeah all the housewives go there it's not far I think it's it's one of the islands like just up from Mexico I'm getting much better at geography I genuinely am okay I am okay where well could you connect anywhere else no that was my point oh it's the bottom isn't it it's pretty much just it's the bottom yeah it's the bottom I know it's the bottom it's not the bottom it's the middle is the bottom of America North and South America it connects North and South America so it does so what's underneath remind me what's that thing you said five seconds ago about being good at geography I know I lied what's underneath Mexico yeah okay what's underneath Mexico okay do you want to have a get alright I'll okay Charleston I'll quickly list some places and you can tell me whether they're under Mexico or not okay okay I thought Mexico was a bottom no I thought it had the big America and then it had a little bit and then Mexico?

1:01:54No, the little bit is Mexico.

1:01:57Rosie Ramsey:Well, what's underneath? No, don't. Tell us, go on. Tell us. Okay. True or... Yes or no, is this underneath Mexico? Brazil. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Ah, Brazil. Okay, I don't know. Right. Is Brazil underneath Mexico? Is Brazil in Mexico? Oh, fuck me. No. Underneath. Yes. Correct. Right. Chile? Yes. Correct. India? Is India not a bit further over? Is India underneath Mexico? You have to say true or false. That's false. False. It is false. Right. God's sake. Vietnam? False. Very good. Japan? False. You're just taking the piss now. England? False. You are good at geography. I'm so sorry Brazil underneath Mexico yes right the main one of the biggest bits underneath Mexico Argentina false it is underneath Mexico you got that wrong oh god mother fucker right back to what did you just say you were going to back to the atlas for me it is oh don't I'm embarrassed that's horrendous that's actually horrendous I might have got some of them wrong I beg to differ get the get the get the bible out you were boasting get the bible out Get the Bible.

1:03:21Rosie Ramsey:Get us an atlas. What do you put in? Atlas. Just go and go back. Zoom out. Mexico. I've never, in my defence, I've never been to Mexico. Oh, you're totally right. Yeah, Mexico's a bit of a connected there. Right, okay, well. South America, Brazil. All right, okay, right. In my defence, in my defence, I thought Brazil was Mexico. That's not a defence. I thought. That's not a defence. I thought. In my defence, I'm stupid. Do you know when I said, it's the bit at the bottom, I thought Brazil. I thought Brazil was Mexico. Okay. God, I'm stupid. What a fucking stupid cow I am. I'm so sorry, everyone.

1:04:03Rosie Ramsey:Right. In my defence. So, I thought Brazil was Mexico.

1:04:12Rosie Ramsey:What? Well, in my defence, I was fucking wrong. Yeah, in my defence. I'm thick as shit so don't don't judge don't judge but I'm I'm a kind person in real life you are lovely oh that's embarrassing you are a brilliant lovely wonderful person and not knowing where that is one doesn't matter and two is very funny no it does because I've got two children who I'm going to have to they're going to go where's Brazil and there's me I'll be like on the other side no no you're going to go I'll say it's just underneath Mexico you're going to go hey Siri where's Brazil it's as simple as that no I know but I like to know these things do you know why I don't because I've never been so in my adult life what happens now is when I go somewhere I look to where it is because remember when I went to Australia that was a huge learning lesson for me learning lesson

1:05:07Rosie Ramsey:learning experience because I remember being like right Australia let's have a look at it and I probably studied it and I was like whoa it's near the loads of stuff like you know Well done. Thank you. And then, you know what it is? In your defense, generally, other than Argentina, Brazil, and Chile, I couldn't think of any more South American countries, which is dog shit. Hang on a minute. Just ring him, Kate. Why? Because I want to see if she knows where it is. Oh, okay, this is good. Hello. Hello, my love. We're just doing the podcast really quickly. Do you know where Brazil is on the map? Yeah, it's in South America.

1:05:46Rosie Ramsey:What's it underneath? What's it underneath? Oh, crikey, Moses. Is it underneath Mexico? That way on? Smashed you there. Thanks, Kate. Thank you so much. She's absolutely... I forgot you existed on the map. I thought America just stopped at Mexico. No, no, no. No, she thought, Kate, that America was the top bit, then there was a little bit in between, and then the bottom was Mexico. I thought Brazil was Mexico. No, because you've got countries in between. You've got like... Alright, it's really good chatting. I'll speak to you later.

1:06:29That was like... That was like that episode of Peppa Pig where she phoned Susie Sheep and says, can you whistle? And Susie Sheep says, what's whistling? She says, you put your lips together and blow. She goes, like this. And then Peppa

1:06:41Rosie Ramsey:just puts the phone down. Honest to God. I'll have to ring her back and say sorry, but that's ridiculous. I didn't think she would know all of them oh why didn't I know that I can't retain information I'm embarrassed I'm embarrassed fantastic okay I'll ring her back thank you so much for listening and watching this week's episode of Shag Married Annoyed yes thank you very much and as always if you'd like to get in touch it's shagmarriedannoyed at gmail.com move back in your ears and your revolting filthy sweet corn filled sweet corn filled I saw it putrid that's too far sweet corn that's too far iSoggett next week.

1:07:18Bye! Bye!