Vampires, slop duty and some misleading alarms

4:02Chris Ramsey:not really like all I was going to go to there jovially for a joke in my head I was going to go to like if you put a video of yourself accidentally getting hit in the balls and loads of blokes going oh I feel your pain that's the closest I can imagine it being I went to get my hair cut today and there was a lady in the hairdressers who was like can you tell Rosie I feel her pain and I was like thank you

4:18Rosie Ramsey:thank you everyone appreciate it yeah it's just it's what do you know what I was going to call the doctors I spoke to I spoke to Lee my manager actually what nothing oh he's in Chris is in one of these moods by the way like a shitty dad I was going to call the doctor

4:34Chris Ramsey:what were you going to call him oh just I'm just keeping myself warm I'm just keeping myself warm to our starts on Sunday woo

4:41Rosie Ramsey:anyway I forgot yeah and now I feel better right yeah

4:45Chris Ramsey:a lot of that

4:45Rosie Ramsey:so I'm like wow hey I'm fine now I'm healed I'm cute

4:49Chris Ramsey:dare I say it dare I say it I do believe the NHS would be under a lot less strain if people thought I'm going to call the doctor I'll wait a day right I'll not bother calling the doctor but that's not me saying ignore your illnesses listen guys thank you so much for watching thank you so much for listening if you're watching on YouTube please subscribe if you're watching on your if you're listening on your podcast shops and you still haven't subscribed do that as well thank you very much and without further ado it's time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor this week's sponsor something that I only realized the other day that I've been having to do.

5:19Chris Ramsey:I used to do it as a job sometimes and now I have to do it with my kids and it upsets us so much. This week's sponsor is... Picking someone's fork out of gravy.

5:32Rosie Ramsey:Oh.

5:35Chris Ramsey:Absolutely fucking horrendous. And I had to do it on Sunday. The kids finished the little Sunday dinners that were had and it was knives, actually. Knives are the worst because the fork lifts up. It's a knife that's the worst. Little knife, right in the gravy, flat, and you've got to pick it out with the gravy. And I'm telling you, doing it, when I used to be a waiter, made us die a little bit inside.

5:54Rosie Ramsey:Did you also remember getting put on slop duty at school? Well, I've never talked about that. Did you ever get put on slop duty?

6:01Chris Ramsey:Sorry. Sorry. You mean some children in your school would be allocated the job of scraping everyone's slop into the bin? No.

6:11Rosie Ramsey:Yeah?

6:12Chris Ramsey:I don't think, I think we all did that on our own. I think you went up and you did it.

6:18Rosie Ramsey:I've got a very strong memory of being stood at a certain place in the school hall and I think it was year six. Doing everyone's slop. No, like they did it but you had to help. Like the little kids and stuff. It was like a duty. Slop duty. Oh my God. What's going on? I think everyone listening

6:37Chris Ramsey:assumes that you cleaned most of the plates though. You finished them off, didn't you? hey you're not eating that that's full sausage here man

6:44Rosie Ramsey:I do remember me, me, me, Ozzyne were most days were stayed for seconds and the hall was empty

6:51Chris Ramsey:that was slop duty slop duty was just you and Ozzyne lying on your back and people just shoveling fucking

6:55Rosie Ramsey:I don't understand how people didn't stay for seconds because the school dinner's disgusting you're the only person no I'm sorry you're the only person

7:01Chris Ramsey:in the history of the world who liked school dinner

7:02Rosie Ramsey:I love them primary and comp I won't have a bad word said against them my comprehensive was the best to mince and dumplings I've ever had and I remember getting older and everyone was like let's go out for dinner and I'd be like yeah thinking oh for fuck's sake I really just want to stay and I'd go to the bakers for a good pie and I'd be like I could have been having mashed potato with mince and dumplings at school and I'm stood here in the cold eating a pie next to this lad I fancy who wants an out of his day with us

7:29Chris Ramsey:because you're eating a pie

7:30Rosie Ramsey:probably

7:35Chris Ramsey:why doesn't he fancy us because you stand next to him every day shoveling a fucking pie into your mouth

7:40Rosie Ramsey:and then we'd get a chip buddy which were lovely actually from the butchers but sometimes I'd think I just want to stay at school

7:47Chris Ramsey:really

7:48Rosie Ramsey:but I'm like that now on a night out you know people are like let's go to this bar I'm like I'm just I'm quite happy where I am I don't like moving around I just like staying in one place

7:57Chris Ramsey:I understand I understand but yeah slop duty that's the fact that you had to I mean you go up and do it I remember just thinking about what makes us want to die looking in that bin liner and just seeing a big mound of food

8:08Rosie Ramsey:oh it's horrible like

8:09Chris Ramsey:It's horrible. I hope they took it to the local pigs or something, or the local farm or something like that.

8:13Rosie Ramsey:What do you mean?

8:14Chris Ramsey:Like, you know, not wasted it. I hope they went and took it somewhere for them. They didn't do that. They just threw it in the bin.

8:18Rosie Ramsey:They'll have gone in the bin.

8:19Chris Ramsey:Yeah, of course. It still will now. What are you talking about? They didn't even compost it, did they?

8:22Rosie Ramsey:No. Oh. The Bairns want packed lunch. Do you get pounded about packed lunch? No.

8:27Chris Ramsey:It's not happening. It's not happening.

8:29Rosie Ramsey:Every day I get hounded. I told Robin, I said to him, I went, you can have packed lunch when you're old enough to make it yourself every day. You'll starve. you'll starve to death well that's the thing you'll pass out at school because I said to him I said if you can make your own packed lunch and I've got nothing to do with it then that's fine but it'll come and I couldn't let him go to school without anything

8:47Chris Ramsey:it'll be on the way out the door and he'll be walking out the door and you'll go have you got your packed lunch and you'll go what? no and you'll go out and you'll have to quit your make nah fuck that no chance

8:54Rosie Ramsey:and his packed lunch will be a dry tortilla wrap a cheese string and a pack of raisins

9:02Chris Ramsey:some unwashed grapes still on the stoke fuck you

9:05Rosie Ramsey:no I'm not doing honestly big what do you keep going to turn us off for? I didn't know for

9:10Chris Ramsey:sometimes I just go to turn and I thought I'm so sorry you do this all the time honestly every time I'm talking I run the comp you listen you watch all the other podcasts they've got producers in the background who they're fucking playing to and you can hear them giggling away we're just us so I've got to try and judge when she's finished talking so I can lean in and do her because I'll get shit if she's not you know I lean in to try and get the perfect one but then if I don't and you're sitting there you're like what are you doing it was far too long cut that so make your mind up But I'm getting a smile at you this week because you're not on your goddamn period.

9:38Rosie Ramsey:Guess who's back? Back again. Yeah, Rosie's back. Tell your friends. Guess who's back? Guess who's back? Guess who's back? Very good. Guess who's back? Guess who's back? Guess who's back? Stop it.

9:56Chris Ramsey:Oh, stop it now. Yeah, good. Fuck.

10:05Rosie Ramsey:We settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Jingle. Hello you and welcome back to Shag to Married and Oys.

10:22Chris Ramsey:Hello.

10:23Rosie Ramsey:So good to see you.

10:25Chris Ramsey:What you all missed there while I was exporting the firewoods, we both basically wrapped almost all of that song because once I've started, we can't stop. So yeah, but we didn't want to put it on here because it's just a lot of mumbling and swearing and stuff. Interestingly enough, there's a big, big chunk of my tour about when I start rapping, I can't stop. Tour starts on Sunday. Do you rap in your tour? I don't want to give too much away, but it might end on a musical number, if I'm going to be honest with you. Stop! Yeah?

10:52Rosie Ramsey:Without me?

10:54Chris Ramsey:The best way. Oh, my God.

10:56Rosie Ramsey:I don't know anything about your tour. You haven't seen any of it yet, have you?

10:59Chris Ramsey:No. No previews? Some bits I genuinely don't want you to hear. Are you horrible about it? Of course I am. How horrible? Because I'm out. I'm out. I'm free. I'm out. I'm in the world. Is there any stories that I should veto? Do you know what it is? Honestly, by the time you come and see it in Newcastle, the damage is done. Nearly done. Yeah, yeah. I'll have done loads of dates by then. But yeah, very excited. Starting off Edinburgh, Glasgow, Aberdeen, first three nights. Bloody love a Scottish leg of the tour. So excited. Still some tickets left, by the way, just for the odd one, the odd little handfuls of tickets.

11:28Chris Ramsey:London, maybe Liverpool, Manchester, Oxford, Halifax, a couple of others. but just a handful so grab them and I'll see you all soon I'm so excited I'm not really?

11:38Rosie Ramsey:I was I was really looking forward to your going but now I'm like oh I've got to do all the school runs

11:43Chris Ramsey:you're starting to get annoyed

11:44Rosie Ramsey:I've got to do all the bedtimes and I'm just a bit like how many oranges am I going to have to peel how many broccoli's am I going to have to boil I do quite a lot of the broccoli like I just oh god yeah sorry love it's alright it's fine you're making money

11:58Chris Ramsey:but the weather's getting nicer a little bit there was some sun the other day so it might you know kick them in the garden like a pair of dogs yeah um did i tell you i was in the car the other day and the sun started shining and i pulled the visor down and then the sun was still getting through like i hadn't seen the sun for months i genuinely just for a moment completely forgot what sunglasses were completely forgot that they were a thing really i pulled the visor down and i looked and the sun was still coming and i was like what the fuck hasn't even been winter sun yeah there's been nothing i've got a question for you yeah did vampires ever exist

12:33Rosie Ramsey:or are they fully blown just made up? I think they might have back in the day.

12:40Chris Ramsey:Right. Okay.

12:42Rosie Ramsey:Like centuries ago. Right.

12:46Chris Ramsey:Okay. That come from some way. Right. No. Made up. But carry on. Why do you think they exist? Can we just take a moment? She doesn't put this on. She doesn't put this on. We're talking about the sun. I was talking about the sunglasses. Completely ignore that. And went straight out do you think vampires ever existed? So you think... I think they might have. Really?

13:05Rosie Ramsey:I do. I do. Wow. This is interesting. Like, hocus pocus times. Okay. Spooky hoooky. Might still be about now.

13:14Chris Ramsey:Right. Well, there could be. DJs, maybe?

13:20Chris Ramsey:Night shift workers. Night shift workers, I'd ask that.

13:22Rosie Ramsey:I just think they'd be more, like, sneakier than that.

13:25Chris Ramsey:Right, okay. How would they get money?

13:28Rosie Ramsey:What do you mean?

13:29Chris Ramsey:How would they get money? If vampires existed, how would they get money?

13:31Rosie Ramsey:Years ago.

13:33Chris Ramsey:Oh, they've got like gold coins in the loft. Yes. Right, okay. So you believe that there may have been people who had fangs, who drank blood, who when the sunlight touched them, they exploded.

13:44Rosie Ramsey:Possibly.

13:45Chris Ramsey:Explain the garlic thing.

13:47Rosie Ramsey:What is the garlic thing that don't like garlic?

13:49Chris Ramsey:Kills them.

13:50Rosie Ramsey:But what about witches? Do you think witches are real back in the day? Nope. No, I could be completely wrong. No, you are. But just, if you're listening, just know that I did kind of think that these might be real but he didn't, so. if anything happens.

14:03Chris Ramsey:I can't, like, alright, I know we're living in a world where, you know, whatever you want to call it, wokeness, and people are scared to offend anyone, but you've just apologised to vampires.

14:14Rosie Ramsey:No, just in case. And anyway,

14:16Chris Ramsey:vampires, if you are listening, I'm the one who doesn't believe in you, so I'm no threat here at all. I don't even think you exist. She's fucking onto you. So get her.

14:23Rosie Ramsey:What about, like, aliens and stuff? Do you think aliens exist?

14:26Chris Ramsey:I think, um...

14:28Rosie Ramsey:So if you think, if you think aliens can be real, why don't you think that vampires can be real. Riddle me this! Come from somewhere.

14:35Chris Ramsey:Oh, sorry. Stories come from somewhere. You've won the argument because you said riddle me this.

14:38Rosie Ramsey:There's always a bit of truth in a story. Right. Don't you think?

14:41Chris Ramsey:Right. So that's ridiculous. So what you're saying is you're saying I don't... I can believe in life on other planets which I don't but I can believe in... I have to believe in a variation of a human that can fly and doesn't have a... I don't think they're around now. I don't think they're around now. Do you think that they didn't have reflections? Oh my God.

15:00Rosie Ramsey:that might just be things that have been made up since.

15:03Chris Ramsey:Okay.

15:04Rosie Ramsey:Like.

15:04Chris Ramsey:Okay, so you think someone just bit someone on the neck and sucked their blood.

15:07Rosie Ramsey:Like drank blood. That probably happens now. People drank blood.

15:09Chris Ramsey:That probably happens now. Yeah. 100%. There'll be people, there'll be people, as we're recording this now. This is turning into more of a debate.

15:13Rosie Ramsey:I only asked you one question.

15:15Chris Ramsey:Right, okay. I only said,

15:16Rosie Ramsey:do you think vampires did exist?

15:17Chris Ramsey:No. Great. Aliens. Do you think aliens?

15:21Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, maybe. Yeah? Listen, I'm sorry. Never say never about anything.

15:26Chris Ramsey:I just think.

15:27Rosie Ramsey:Like, the fact that, that I made two children is mad. The fact that my body just like birthed two children. The fact that we walk around, the fact that there's just stuff that we talk. How can you go? I find it so crazy when people go like, oh, what? No, no, no.

15:46Chris Ramsey:I'm not saying that. I think there is aliens. No, I think there is aliens, but not aliens, aliens in the way people think there's aliens.

15:52Rosie Ramsey:No, not like the green. No, no. And I don't think

15:54Chris Ramsey:they're coming down here fucking about. I think there's probably life on other planets because there's like trillions of stars which each have a planet system, but they're so fucking far away. And the universe has been around for billions of years, so we need to be around at the same time as them. And they'd have to be able to get here. They were fucking miles away from everything, like years, millions of years away from stuff.

16:17Rosie Ramsey:Robin asked how many stars they are the other day.

16:19Chris Ramsey:More than they are grains of sand on every single beach in the whole world.

16:23Rosie Ramsey:The number, I didn't even recognize the number.

16:25Chris Ramsey:Yeah, or did you Google it?

16:26Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, but it was like, It was a... He has one for you. A trezillion or something ridiculous. He has one for you.

16:32Chris Ramsey:You know, in the universe, do you know wood is rarer than diamonds? What?

16:39Rosie Ramsey:There's less wood than diamonds? There's less wood in the universe than diamonds.

16:44Chris Ramsey:Wood, trees, yeah. There's less, because they're only here. Whereas there's carbon everywhere. And it can be compressed and it can be turned into diamonds. There's planets where it rains diamonds and shit. It's insane. what there's planets where it like rains diamonds or it rains glass sideways at like 500 mile an hour

17:04Rosie Ramsey:see this is the thing though this is the thing when you go so you talk about planets and all the different planets and all the different universes and all that shit

17:11Chris Ramsey:don't be saying that proves vampires as real

17:12Rosie Ramsey:I'm sorry but then you're like oh someone can fly and they drink blood yeah but you're saying they're here I'm not saying they're here I'm saying they were here possibly

17:22Chris Ramsey:oh sorry us raining fucking diamonds

17:25Rosie Ramsey:that's science

17:27Chris Ramsey:not magic

17:29Rosie Ramsey:they're not Tiffany fucking rings

17:30Chris Ramsey:they're just bits of carbon bits of coal imagine how much that would hurt I'm blinded but I'm rich it landed on my neck I gotta keep it I'm blinded but I'm rich

17:47Rosie Ramsey:I just think I don't know but then listen whatever I don't care I don't care anymore

17:52Chris Ramsey:listen

17:53Rosie Ramsey:but if you sat me in a room as conspiracy theorist I would probably be really easy to manipulate.

17:58Chris Ramsey:You would agree with every single one of them. You would agree with every single one of them. And then when one of them shat on the other one's idea, you'd go, yeah. And then eat shit back on it and you'd go, yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd be like a fucking Switzerland. Absolute Switzerland.

18:10Rosie Ramsey:I'm really easy to manipulate into something like that. And I mean, it's so easy to sell to.

18:15Chris Ramsey:In this room that we're talking about where you're sitting with all of them, they're all on chairs. They've actually, you're just on a little fence.

18:21Rosie Ramsey:No, yeah, I am. No, honestly. But I get it. I totally get it.

18:25Chris Ramsey:Question. Vampire walks in this room now, goes, we are real. Exactly the same rules as sinners. Yeah? Same vampire rules as sinners. Not Twilight where the sunlight hits under the sparkle.

18:37Rosie Ramsey:You've got to explain sinners to people who haven't seen it.

18:39Chris Ramsey:All right. Well, all I mean is silver kills them, garlic kills them. They've got to be invited into a place before they go into the place. Sunlight kills them. They have to drink blood. Yeah. Right? Live forever at the age they are now. One of them walks in now. It's Michael B. Jordan, right? he walks in

18:55Rosie Ramsey:hello Michael hi to me get yourself a chair

18:58Chris Ramsey:take your top off get comfortable what do you mean it's cold take your top off so he comes in he's so loved I've seen him in Black Panther

19:09Rosie Ramsey:oh my god yeah I did the other day even with all the little

19:12Chris Ramsey:scars on him

19:13Rosie Ramsey:he's been in that diamond ring

19:15Chris Ramsey:he's been in the diamond ring

19:20Chris Ramsey:ah my muscles he walks in he goes they are real vampires are real I'm a vampire I don't know why he's coming because it's that fucking grim. In fact, you could be out during the day around here. It'd be fine. He offers you to turn you into a vampire. Yes, I know. Do I have a choice? No, he offers it. He says, do you want to be a vampire or not? No. You don't want to be one? No. Oh.

19:40Rosie Ramsey:I like bed. I like going to bed. What if I want to be a vampire? I like bed. You sounded like Steve Carell in background, man.

19:49Chris Ramsey:I love lamp. I like bed.

19:51Rosie Ramsey:No, I don't want to be a vampire.

19:53Chris Ramsey:No. I don't know. All right, then. It's Twilight.

19:56Rosie Ramsey:We could bite people and you fucking can't eat garlic.

19:58Chris Ramsey:Twilight rules. Oh, God, that's the... There it is. It's because you can't eat garlic.

20:01Rosie Ramsey:I don't want to be... I don't want to live forever.

20:03Chris Ramsey:All right, Twilight rules. You can grow up in the sun. You twinkle. You can also fly now. Do you want to be a vampire?

20:08Rosie Ramsey:No, they're all weird as fuck. I don't want to be a fucking vampire. I'm just saying, I think they might actually have some... A bit like religion, right?

20:18Chris Ramsey:Okay.

20:18Rosie Ramsey:Over the years, it happened, but it gets sort of like twisted in time and stories and stuff like that. I'd love it to be right. I think it comes from somewhere. Love it to be right. Imagine. So there you go. Very long chat about vampires. Happy Halloween. So there we go. Let's talk about something else. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. When you want your spring break to feel like and your kids pool day to feel like and your hotel bed to feel like ooh and room service to feel like because at Hilton, hospitality feels like

20:54Chris Ramsey:Your cabana's ready. Would you like fresh towels?

20:56Rosie Ramsey:It matters where you stay. Book now at Hilton.com. Hilton, for this day.

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22:02Chris Ramsey:it's time for my new section Chris Ramsey, hypocrite hunter right watch out hypocrites because Ramsey's about I haven't been warned about this hypocrite canon just a dead quick one just something I heard last night do you want to have a good listen to this

22:31Rosie Ramsey:that's never me

22:32Chris Ramsey:it's fucking you

22:34Rosie Ramsey:stop

22:36Chris Ramsey:here's a big one

22:40Rosie Ramsey:that sound quite nice at least it's in tune

22:45Chris Ramsey:that phone was on my side of the bed and you were knocking the Z's out. Wow. Snoring.

22:51Rosie Ramsey:Wow. Notice, I just let you sleep. I mean, you recorded this and you put it on the podcast for everyone here. But notice. I mean, I think you're a dickhead. I let you sleep. Right, okay. I get hit.

23:04Chris Ramsey:Yeah, yeah. I get physically and verbally attacked.

23:07Rosie Ramsey:You're snoring! I hate it. I hate being woke up. We are past the point of niceties. For years, I've never said anything. Yeah. because I was like, oh, I love him so much. It's fine. We've just got to get that in. It's okay. No, no. Don't want to shave head. Okay. And I'm sorry, but you shouldn't... How long was I snoring for?

23:29Chris Ramsey:Ages. It was going on and off and every time I got my phone, you stopped. It was really irritating, actually. I was there for an hour. I was there for an hour. I know how, like, you know, like when they're filming Planet Earth and that and they're waiting for a fucking odd heart or something to come out. I was waiting forever, like a wildlife reporter and I finally got you and yeah I'm sorry about that

23:49Rosie Ramsey:I have got a bit of a cold though in my defence yeah you do it all the time no I don't

23:53Chris Ramsey:you do it all the time do you want to make it a regular section?

23:57Rosie Ramsey:feel free feel free but Mike that wasn't very loud

24:02Chris Ramsey:yeah they were the quieter ones they were quieter there was much louder ones than that but do you know what it doesn't bother I quite like it well I just oh fuck off

24:07Rosie Ramsey:no you don't like it

24:09Chris Ramsey:I thought it was lovely

24:10Rosie Ramsey:get over yourself I'm sorry I'm sorry but you're a tosser. I thought it was nice. My mom told me today, actually today, weirdly, she was like, people just shouldn't sleep in the same bed.

24:26Chris Ramsey:Yeah.

24:27Rosie Ramsey:Because it's the number two reason, I think, of divorces. Snoring. In the UK, snoring. Wow.

24:33Chris Ramsey:I didn't know that. Honest to girls. Honest to girls. Honest to girls. Honest to girls. Honest to girls.

24:38Rosie Ramsey:I think first is like adultery. All right, okay. But then second is snoring and then third is just sick of your bullshit. and we'll live too long. I just don't think we should get married. Okay.

24:48Chris Ramsey:Anything else?

24:49Rosie Ramsey:No. But if you are getting married this year, then congratulations. Congratulations. But I don't think you should be doing it.

24:54Chris Ramsey:Wow. Honestly.

24:56Rosie Ramsey:Do you not think you should just embark on a long engagement?

25:02Chris Ramsey:You've went across this loads of times. What is it that's so upsetting about marriage to you? Because a long engagement or just being boyfriend and girlfriend is exactly the same. There's no difference. Yeah, but then you can just leave and you don't have to do all the bullshit. You can leave. There'd still be bullshit to sort out they'd still be like who's is this fucking chair who's is this frying pan

25:18Rosie Ramsey:maybe but then you don't have to pay a solicitor like six grand for the pleasure

25:22Chris Ramsey:right okay you know okay I bet you still do I bet your people still do probably

25:26Rosie Ramsey:I don't know but I am happily married well it doesn't fucking sound like it but I just think it's a crock of shit no because marriage was first first thing when people's life

25:38Chris Ramsey:in vampire times it was in vampire times

25:39Rosie Ramsey:it was in vampire times when people's life expectancy was 30 right and they were like yeah of course what till death there was part till death there was part not long now six more years I'm absolutely fine with that I love you so much I could be with you for six years but no now we live till we're like 90 and everyone goes this is a long time to fucking be with the same person

26:04Chris Ramsey:that's a really good point it's madness Chris

26:06Rosie Ramsey:I'm sorry it's absolute madness but you know for now we're alright

26:14Chris Ramsey:Wow She's gonna kill us She's gonna kill us in my sleep Actually you can't Because you're snoring Just keeps us up I'm always alert

26:25Chris Ramsey:It's time for What's your beef What's your beef What is your beef Oh you're sung it out Very nice Now apart from me Covertly filming Recording you Sorry Snoring What's your beef

26:37Rosie Ramsey:My beef with you This week Didn't do one last week Because I was being nice to you But this week hate you again I heard that Robin's new thing by the way yeah so our kids at the minute I don't know if it's like a thing that they're doing but there's a joke they're like hate you hate you but then but he's done the Michael Jackson he's just turned it there hate you

26:58Chris Ramsey:he's very creative with his insults I'll give him that don't know where he gets it from

27:02Rosie Ramsey:it's so it's so upsetting it's really awful just literally I'm like love you and he's like hate you

27:13Rosie Ramsey:and they're way of copies of him yeah of course he does anyway but um right okay so my beef with you and I don't think I've done it before but it's it's hmm you yeah never turn the oven off you finish cooking yeah you finish using the oven everything's out the oven and it's done and then we're sitting down to eat it's just still on

27:37Chris Ramsey:Right. So I apologise because you know I'm Captain Planet. I try and recite you honestly you're destroying

27:43Rosie Ramsey:everything. Everything.

27:46Chris Ramsey:I'll tell you why. It's because our oven is a weird one.

27:49Rosie Ramsey:I hate it.

27:50Chris Ramsey:You have to press the button so you have to press it's not got a handle you can't just rag the door open you have to press the button and the door opens automatically. Stupid. Your idea.

28:00Rosie Ramsey:Why I let in there's so many things.

28:02Chris Ramsey:I'm telling you right now it's because me button allocation has been taken up by the opening. So I press it, it opens, I close it, and then my brain, my brain's like, well, you've got the food out, and you've pressed a button. Job done, mate. And it's not until five minutes later where I'm sitting eating, and whatever slop you've knocked up, and it's just going... And it's just going... And I'm like, oh, fuck yeah, it's still on.

28:29Rosie Ramsey:Never again will I ever buy an oven without just a fucking handle on it.

28:34Chris Ramsey:It is, it's irritating. I swear to God. really irritating it's one of the things where you think

28:38Rosie Ramsey:it's a really good oven it's like it cooks the food a lot better than my last oven yeah

28:42Chris Ramsey:but it's one of the things where you go this will be really good it didn't need it a handle on an oven door there's nothing wrong with a handle on an oven door absolutely nothing wrong with it

28:48Rosie Ramsey:and as well I've got nowhere to put my tea towel

28:52Chris Ramsey:very good point you can't hang a tea towel on it you're hanging a tea towel on an oven door it's like a little radiator it dries the tea towel

28:58Rosie Ramsey:it dries the tea towel it's perfect so now we've just got sopping wet tea towels all over the nut end why don't you let Rafe wipe his mouth on the tea towel because he's got fucking toothpaste

29:06Chris Ramsey:on his mouth

29:06Rosie Ramsey:so I don't want to we've got a kitchen roll there you wipe it on the kitchen roll we've got we've got a huge like difference in what a tea towel is used for

29:13Chris Ramsey:right oh yeah you wipe your ass with it you clean the dog's feet yeah go outside I've got a dog yeah you would though you'd find a dog go outside clean the car windscreen and that I found myself

29:22Rosie Ramsey:I wiped my nose on the other day and I thought oh

29:30Chris Ramsey:that's

29:30Rosie Ramsey:just the corner

29:31Chris Ramsey:that's so upsetting that's so upsetting

29:33Rosie Ramsey:well it's because I've been taking first offence first offence is great right but it wasn't

29:39Chris Ramsey:just not it was it was it was it was infected festering first offence Graham

29:44Rosie Ramsey:it's just first offence off shots

29:47Chris Ramsey:you know what it is I don't pull this out often but that's very not nice that's very not nice that's much not good it's big bad and I'm greatly upset

30:01Rosie Ramsey:I've got a quick question how are you enjoying when you subscription eco-friendly what are they called? the sponges sponges they're alright aren't they?

30:12Chris Ramsey:I think they're fantastic

30:13Rosie Ramsey:they're wiped down the benches lovely actually

30:15Chris Ramsey:well it's a good job I like them because we've got two years for those of you who aren't up to date I ordered a year's worth of eco sponges told Rosie about it Rosie half listened while she was watching something on her phone an algorithm heard advertised them to her she went great she ordered a year's worth as well so in the cupboard but there was two years' worth of eco-sponges.

30:32Rosie Ramsey:Well, listen, we'll never go without. They are good, actually.

30:34Chris Ramsey:Very, very good.

30:35Rosie Ramsey:It was 25 quid for a year's supply. And I thought, you know what? I'll have that. And they are good. They're very good. The good. Wrong colour. The white. Why white? Like, you know what I mean? I wiped up a bit of curry in them. Anyway, so yeah, we'll do a hot wash of all the tea towels.

30:52Chris Ramsey:Why are you wiping up curry with the sponge? There's kitchen rule there to wipe up curry with. Why are you using the sponge?

30:58Rosie Ramsey:All right, Captain Planet. What a fucking waste. I've seen you actually do you know what it is you go on about saving the planet in that it's utter bullshit that's I saw you wiping Rafe's mouth with a bit of kitchen roll that's what the details are for it is what the details are for what else are you doing with them

31:15Chris Ramsey:like getting stuff out of the oven drying your hands no that's what the oven gloves for what the fuck are they for then

31:20Rosie Ramsey:this is why this is this is what I find marriage insane just oh I tell you what marry this person who you haven't even who you haven't grown up with who does everything totally different to you and just try to live harmoniously as fuck. Honestly, I'd rather live with my brother. I was going to say,

31:35Chris Ramsey:you'd rather marry your brother.

31:36Rosie Ramsey:I would rather just spend time with him because at least he does shit that I do.

31:41Chris Ramsey:Right.

31:41Rosie Ramsey:At least we'd live the same.

31:43Chris Ramsey:Wow.

31:43Rosie Ramsey:Do you know what I mean?

31:44Chris Ramsey:Yeah. Wow. Wow.

31:47Rosie Ramsey:And he's a really good kook.

31:49Chris Ramsey:He is a better kook than he ate the beef there. So,

31:51Rosie Ramsey:what's your beef?

31:53Chris Ramsey:My beef with you, it's another, it's another, I'm getting my phone out here, it's another multimedia beef.

31:58Rosie Ramsey:Oh, Jesus Christ.

31:59Chris Ramsey:It's another multimedia beef. My beef with you is the soundtrack of my life. Oh. Oh, what you got out? Oh, sorry, anyone listening. That's not your alarm. That's Rosie's alarm. That's... This is just going off in my house nonstop. Well... Constant.

32:15Rosie Ramsey:Absolutely. I forget.

32:17Chris Ramsey:You have. So we all know that every day an alarm goes off at midday telling you to get re-christened.

32:21Rosie Ramsey:That's not an alarm. That's just a notification in my calendar. Brilliant. These are my alarms.

32:25Chris Ramsey:You have so many alarms for everything else. I'm talking to you and there's just alarms going off left, right and sitting there and you change them again and then a lot of the times you're like what's this one for i don't know what this one's for and yesterday yesterday you absolutely outdid yourself i've never had i've never had such a moronic conversation with someone in my life yesterday i got stupider just talking to you for five minutes i got stupider an alarm guys an alarm went off in rosie's phone yesterday right let's get the word now wrote it down there we go right an alarm went off in your phone yesterday and you looked at it and you snoozed it and you look again and you went what's that and you kept going what's that and I went what's wrong and you went I don't know what this alarm is I set it last night and I don't know what it is it said message do you want to tell everyone what it said message China message China it said message China China message China why did you ask China message China and I went what and you went oh I set it last night it was Siri and I can't remember what it was and we sat for five minutes and we're working out everything that was going on and what were you trying to say

33:27Rosie Ramsey:I can't remember really What was it?

33:30Chris Ramsey:Joyner.

33:31Rosie Ramsey:Joyner.

33:32Chris Ramsey:Message the Joyner.

33:33Rosie Ramsey:Can I tell you right now? Have I?

33:34Chris Ramsey:No. I don't. But China have had a load of correspondence of her. Set an alarm for 3pm for a message to Joyner.

33:44Rosie Ramsey:Right, then that's done it properly. There we go. Cancel. Thank you. Fuck off. Thank you. Do you want to see some of me alarms? Should I tell you what they are? Yeah, quickly read out your alarms for everyone. Right, okay. So we've got pay Gary, two pound for Robin, box, Robin TTRS

34:06Chris Ramsey:Gary is the painter and decorator Gary Marsh brilliant 2 power Robin fair enough what's box I don't know

34:12Rosie Ramsey:this is from a while ago 7.5 that just keeps them parcel washing machine iPad reply to China

34:19Chris Ramsey:reply to China

34:20Rosie Ramsey:research print of a JNS washing machine electrician next in Whitburn text Tom from Avalon crisps you've gone along called crisps milk and presents milk pizzas Nana chilli passports schedule first defence Rafe Kalpol joiner loft window next email script smile post

34:41Chris Ramsey:what the fuck tan

34:43Rosie Ramsey:tan lot of tans ski pants right

34:46Chris Ramsey:I'm gonna do mine

34:47Rosie Ramsey:TikTok big box Friday food in fridge take a tan take tan off take tan off

34:56Chris Ramsey:alright do you wanna know mine

34:57Rosie Ramsey:yeah go on

34:58Chris Ramsey:You're going to get well upset. Alarm, alarm, alarm, alarm, alarm. Wake up, alarm, alarm. TRS, bins out. Get up, wake up. Turn off alarm. Bins, call Swinney's. That's where I get my skips from. Golf clubs. Well, there's loads. Okay, yeah, turn off alarm. Let's have a look. Hair cut.

35:19Rosie Ramsey:It's odd, though, because I was chatting to my friend, Philip, the other night, and it was that day. Yeah, yeah. When you'd said about this.

35:26Chris Ramsey:Jimmy sweep.

35:28Rosie Ramsey:and I said to her I was chatting to my friends because my other friend has to set loads of alarms as well and I was like my phone just goes off constantly but if I don't I just forget it's like texting people back it just disappears do you know

35:42Chris Ramsey:if you swipe from left to right on a text and a whatsapp you can leave it mark it as unread

35:46Rosie Ramsey:yeah but then it's further down it doesn't have one and it's not on your main screen I've tried that it's gone it's gone it's gone from my memory I apologise for trying to fix this problem if I don't do it there and then anyway I said to her I was like so right if you had a meeting tomorrow you could just turn up at that meeting no alarm no reminder no nothing and she was like yeah I was like fuck me wow that's a life that I would like to live

36:10Chris Ramsey:well I'm nearly at that life I'm not because as you know last time I got my hair cut I booked in a hair cut for four weeks later went to that appointment this morning well done

36:20Rosie Ramsey:proud of you proud of you

36:21Chris Ramsey:smashed it that is really good as I walked in though I panicked I was like is this actually me She was like, yes, it is. Couldn't believe it. It's time for Question from the Public. Question from the Public, Public. Public, as always, if you like and get in touch, it's shagmarionoid at gmail.com or you can use our brand new feature and send a voice note, which we will play on the podcast, to our WhatsApp, which is 07874406650. Don't make her say it again. I'll cry. I listen to other podcasts that are much better than this. Much more professional, much more well put together by the hosts, It's not the people behind the scenes of ours are very professional.

36:58Chris Ramsey:It's us that really let it down. Yeah, we do. Me especially on the app, on the podcast page. It's on there as well, by the way. If you just want to copy and paste it on there, you don't need me to read it out. Stop. Shut up. I can't. I've said a number. Stop. Have I got a nosebleed? It's me nosebleeding. Right.

37:10Rosie Ramsey:Okay, so the WhatsApps have not been letting us down. Okay. And I've got a few here for you. Let's have a little look. Let's see which one I like the best. There's no farts this week.

37:18Chris Ramsey:Good.

37:19Rosie Ramsey:But you know what my mom? My mom actually said. she said she really enjoyed the farts your mum loves watching a fart out now fart humour just a quick one my fella shit the bed the other night and rather than wake me up to strip the bed I woke up to him ferreting around with spray and a cloth trying to clean the sheets to get back into bed without waking me up vile absolutely vile

37:53Chris Ramsey:love the word vile that first question how do you shit the bed as a grown-up how i mean unless you're blind drunk like unbelievable blind drunk i don't understand so the beginning of train spotting spud shits the bed and he takes the he takes the sheets down and the you know there's that amazing scene where the mom and they're trying to get the sheets off and they open up and he puts shit all over the whole family. But that's because...

38:18Rosie Ramsey:I can't remember Trainspot on your nose.

38:19Chris Ramsey:It's fucking amazing.

38:20Rosie Ramsey:I need to watch it again. I can't remember it.

38:21Chris Ramsey:That's because of something to do with... Drugs. Well, it's coming off the heroin and just drinking makes you loose, apparently, is what the... He's literally got a reason for it. So unless you've got some kind of reason for it, I mean, that's a far-out reason. I just don't understand. Men, normally men, I don't understand men who shit the bed. I don't understand it.

38:41Rosie Ramsey:Like, for me, I've got to usually, being on a walk or a run, like move me bow like to to move your body to move your bowels

38:47Chris Ramsey:I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt I'm gonna say a shit load of pints and a curry that's what I'm gonna say right but rather than so that's the thing you know rather than waking her up and going darling I'll shit the bed you're gonna have to get out we're gonna have to sort this out and dealing with our wrath he's trying to do it

39:01Rosie Ramsey:he's trying to sort it so he's trying

39:03Chris Ramsey:he's got out he's sorting himself out and then he's got like the dead old spray and a cloth and he's just cleaning a shitty bed sheet next to her

39:09Rosie Ramsey:unless you were ill which I would have a little bit of sympathy if you shit in our bed I swear to God I just oh my God do you know what I'd have you on the floor like a dog I can't I'd say you can I'd say you can sleep there

39:23Chris Ramsey:I can't you'd rub my nose in it I can't imagine the wrath I can't imagine but okay

39:28Rosie Ramsey:no like like let's right we're joking here I'm not that horrible okay I'm not but if you were pissed yeah and shit the bed yeah oh fucking hell that's bad like nah

39:39Chris Ramsey:probably bad

39:40Rosie Ramsey:if you were ill and that I'd be like fair enough

39:42Chris Ramsey:yeah I've only shat the bed once

39:44Rosie Ramsey:You've never wet the bed?

39:45Chris Ramsey:Don't say stuff like that man

39:47Rosie Ramsey:What?

39:47Chris Ramsey:Because you No I'm sorry I know loads of men

39:51Rosie Ramsey:Who've wet the bed Yeah no I'm not saying that

39:52Chris Ramsey:But you can't like You can't fight the universe Like that That's so That's such bad cracks What do you think you're going to

39:58Rosie Ramsey:Oh Chris man

39:59Chris Ramsey:Do you know where I was driving the kids to school

40:01Rosie Ramsey:You know what You don't believe in vampires But you believe If you say something It's going to fucking happen I was driving the kids to school

40:06Chris Ramsey:The other day And we're literally Leaving the driveway And Robin went Dad have you ever been In a car crash? I went I'm not going to Answer that on the way to school?

40:13Rosie Ramsey:No. It doesn't work like that. The world doesn't work like that.

40:17Chris Ramsey:Do the vampires do it? Because, well, I'm sorry,

40:20Rosie Ramsey:it doesn't though.

40:20Chris Ramsey:No, I don't know.

40:21Rosie Ramsey:Oh, imagine if you won the lottery. I'd hate to win the lottery.

40:25Chris Ramsey:I've never won the lottery.

40:27Rosie Ramsey:No, exactly. I found this one, it's not rude, it's not anything like that, I just found it really interesting. Okay. Okay? And I feel like it's something that you would have done when you were younger. Okay. Hello, Chris and Rosie. do. I've got a story which perfectly encompasses my level of, or lack thereof, of common sense. I pretty much embody the definition of academic intelligence and no street smarts whatsoever. So bear in mind, I used to be a teacher and I'm now doing a PhD. I'm going to be a doctor one day um i used to work in a pub um it wasn't a particularly nice pub and for whatever reason if any poor bastards in the local area seemed to drop dead we hosted the funeral yeah this particular day we were hosting a funeral um we were catering for said funeral as well and i and was told to do the sandwiches so i was like okay cool no no worries so i was like what what do they want on the sandwiches my manager says they want ham cheese and tuna obviously on separate sandwiches so i was like okay no stress say less i'll get right on that and he said um by the way they want them half white and half brown bread and i was like no worries absolutely fine by me um no customers always right you may be able to see where i'm going with this but i proceeded to make around 50 to 60 sandwiches with white bread filling brown bread and i did this with my whole heart and my whole gut and was like never once doubted myself never once thought i was wrong i even laid them out on the tray so that they were alternating bread colors with each sandwich and even when my manager walked in and said what the fuck is that I still was like, exactly what the customer ordered.

42:27Rosie Ramsey:Thank you very much. Good job done.

42:29Chris Ramsey:Brilliant.

42:30Rosie Ramsey:So, yeah, that's just a little story that I like to tell people just to give them a little taste of what they're getting involved in. Anybody who knows me knows the sandwich story. And, yeah, I hope that gives you a little chuckle.

42:43Chris Ramsey:I love that. Isn't that lovely? That's fucking Drax from Guardians of the Galaxy. That's so literally like Drax, like, nothing will go over my head. I'll catch it. Like literally half brown, half white. Boom.

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43:30Chris Ramsey:I'm R.J. Decker, a private investigator uncovering the sunshine state's darkest secrets.

43:37Rosie Ramsey:Tuesdays, it's the premiere of ABC's hottest new crime show. R.J. freaking Decker as I live and breathe. He's a private eye. It's not a standard murder. It's someone bigger.

43:47Chris Ramsey:And a public mess.

43:48Rosie Ramsey:Trying to get sent back to prison today?

43:49Chris Ramsey:You go to prison one time and suddenly it's all the jokes. RJ Decker, series premiere, Tuesdays on ABC and stream on Hulu. The world moves fast. Your work day, even faster. Pitching products, drafting reports, analyzing data. Microsoft 365 Copilot is your AI assistant for work. Built into Word, Excel, PowerPoint, and other Microsoft 365 apps you use. helping you quickly write, analyze, create, and summarize so you can cut through clutter and clear a path to your best work. Learn more at Microsoft.com slash M365 Copilot.

44:32Rosie Ramsey:Ready for another one?

44:33Chris Ramsey:Yeah. Quick story that I've just been reminded of and I thought you guys would enjoy this. When I was at college, I went to the canteen

44:41Rosie Ramsey:to buy some dinner, whatever, if you want to know. Chips, that's raw beans, very nice. anyway and I was at the till about to pay for said food and I only had a £20 note so I meant to pass the money to the dinner lady which obviously you want to do when you want to pay and I meant to say you're going to kill me I've only got£20 but instead I just said I'm going to kill you and then panicked because that's what I said and just stared at her and walked away.

45:21Chris Ramsey:Yeah, so that happened. I got kicked out of college. I didn't really get kicked out of college, but still, it was a pretty traumatic event.

45:31Rosie Ramsey:I'm going to kill you. I'm going to kill you. I hate stuff like that. I do that. I do that all the time. Horrible. When I'm nervous or if I'm meeting somebody, I say such ridiculous. I hate myself when I say something. I feel sick after that one. Yeah, that's something I would do. Yeah. Yeah. Got one more. I'm going to kill you. I'm going to kill you. Story about a call that I took

46:01Chris Ramsey:when I used to be a 999-111 call handler. Very oddly specific call who during this time,

46:10Rosie Ramsey:set the scene during this time, it was like peak COVID. so getting an ambulance out of people was a case of the ambulances coming to people who are dying or giving birth the important things um stupid things had to just make their own way to the hospital or wherever if they refused and they still wanted an ambulance they were kind of like bottom of the queue so you could be waiting hours this one particular person rang up very distressed um because he had got his dick stuck in a listerine bottle now you can only ask certain questions as a call handler why so you were not allowed to ask all of the questions i wanted to ask which was how did you get it in there that's a really small hole do you have a really skinny

47:01Chris Ramsey:penis did it slip in did you do it while it was soft love all these again questions you can't ask was there still listerine in the bottle what color listerine wanted an ambulance and we said you know

47:17Rosie Ramsey:it'll be 12 14 hours how long it was going to be and only call back if it's worse he rang back many times i would say most of the people within the call center managed to get a call from listerine man um and one of the calls when it was answered he just screamed it's gone aubergine of all the stuff to stick your dick in and a listerine bottle oh god it's gone aubergine purple listerine then yeah um he was advised to like cut the bottom of the listerine bottle off to relieve some of the suction pressure again nobody asked is the listerine still in there i just thought you'd enjoy that obviously taking 999 111 calls you can get anything from a man sticking his dick in a listerine bottle a woman standing barefoot on a hedgehog or somebody giving birth so it has good sides i hope you enjoyed the man and the listerine penis mindy fresh thank you very much

48:23Chris Ramsey:absolutely beautifully beautifully spoken thank you so much wonderfully told she asked a lot of questions I would have asked

48:31Rosie Ramsey:I couldn't have that job you're not allowed to ask

48:34Chris Ramsey:yeah no you're not imagine

48:35Rosie Ramsey:someone's ringing up how can I help you I've got me stuck on some Listerine what how why how

48:42Chris Ramsey:why what's wrong with you

48:43Rosie Ramsey:I get sacked straight away yeah yeah

48:45Chris Ramsey:yeah are you mental which one

48:48Rosie Ramsey:what flavour

48:49Chris Ramsey:I've worked out what I would have done if I was him. What? So straight away, I was going for the cut the bottom of the bottle off. Yes. Right? Because I use Listerine all the time, right? Yeah, you do. I pour it into me, not for me, Dick. I pour it into me little flosser. So what I would do is, Dick's caught in the Listerine bottle, panic stations, right? I think he's got it all the way. I think he's got the helmet in. Oh, God. It's gone over the speed bump, and then it's clunked, and it's in, and he can't get it out. I'm telling you exactly what I would do, right? If there's Listerine in it, obviously you don't want to tip the bottle up because that's just going to sting like fuck so i'm going to keep it low down i'm going to get a stanley knife and i'm going to cut the bottom off so now it basically resembles a listerine funnel yeah right just live like that no i'm going to get all the listerine out then i'm going to sit down like that right or maybe even stand up and lean backwards hold it upward so i can now see into the opening and i'm going to pour olive oil into there right and i'm just going to pour olive oil into there right and i'm just going to slightly rotate it.

49:46Chris Ramsey:Rotate it. Rotate it. Oil going through. Get it off. It's what I did last time. It's what I'll do next time. It's what I'll do every time. I'll never ring them again because I phoned their in confidence. And I had to work that out after 12 hours. And that was the main reason I don't like lockdown.

50:03Rosie Ramsey:That was why. If you had to stick your dick in anyway, what would you stick it in?

50:11Chris Ramsey:Your vagina.

50:12Rosie Ramsey:Oh, good. No, and I you have to put it somewhere. What do you mean? Just, if you're going to stick it in something random, what would you stick it in? Would it be like food? Would it be like a bottle or something like that? Nothing. Like, nothing. Wasn't it a rumour that you used to do ham and that? Not you specifically. Boys. Used to like wafer ham. Your school.

50:34Chris Ramsey:Used to like ruffle up wafer ham

50:35Rosie Ramsey:and then pretend to have sex.

50:36Chris Ramsey:That's absolutely disgusting. You're looking at me like that.

50:38Rosie Ramsey:I guarantee you did something like that.

50:40Chris Ramsey:You know me. You've met me. you know I will not be putting food anywhere near my genitalia. It's not happening. Fair enough. I wouldn't pick a Listerine, but I'll tell you that right now. That's absolutely disgusting. Nothing sharp plastic, nothing with any kind of... You hold Listerine in your mouth for too long, it hurts. You've got a cut in your mouth.

50:58Rosie Ramsey:Just buy a flashlight.

50:59Chris Ramsey:You know what it is? I don't know. I know microphones and webcams sold out during the lockdown. I guarantee fleshlights fucking sold out. I guarantee you couldn't get a hold of one of them.

51:09Rosie Ramsey:You couldn't have sex, really, could you?

51:11Chris Ramsey:Nah, not for you. Yeah. Oh, God, it was awful.

51:13Rosie Ramsey:Thanks, everyone, for them. Keep them coming.

51:15Chris Ramsey:Amazing. Amazing.

51:17Rosie Ramsey:Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba.

51:19Chris Ramsey:So that's the voice notes out of the way.

51:20Rosie Ramsey:How about some good old-fashioned emails?

51:23Chris Ramsey:Love it.

51:23Rosie Ramsey:This is one of the worst things I've ever heard in my entire life.

51:26Chris Ramsey:Right.

51:27Rosie Ramsey:But I don't know whether it's just me, and this is just... I just don't like this.

51:30Chris Ramsey:That's a bold statement. I know, I know. That's me. Considering how long we've been doing this. Uh-huh. Okay.

51:36Rosie Ramsey:Uh-huh. And considering what I can listen to and watch and hear while I'm eating.

51:40Chris Ramsey:But sometimes we're miles off. Sometimes this might not affect... Do you think this will affect me?

51:46Rosie Ramsey:Yes. Really? Yes. Okay. But it might not affect some people. Okay, listen. I'm preparing myself.

51:51Chris Ramsey:Wait there, wait there, wait there. Go.

51:54Rosie Ramsey:Hey, Chris and Rosie. I was six years late to the party, but I don't think I should have been listening to your podcast when I was 14 anyway. Oh, shit, okay. So, yeah, fair enough. So, you're 20?

52:06Chris Ramsey:Yes. Maths.

52:07Rosie Ramsey:Shit. So people, when we start this, who are 14 are now 20.

52:10Chris Ramsey:That's upsetting, isn't it? That's really upsetting, actually. That's upset me.

52:15Rosie Ramsey:God.

52:15Chris Ramsey:That's upset me, so I'm not mad at us.

52:17Rosie Ramsey:I know time has passed, but that's a life. There's a lot that happens between 14 and 20.

52:23Chris Ramsey:Children are now adults and they're listening to the podcast. I mean, amazing. I'm buzzing that 20-year-olds are listening. Hey, advertisers, are you listening? Across the board? Yeah.

52:34Rosie Ramsey:Old, young, everything.

52:35Chris Ramsey:See, bloody hula hoops and skateboards and scooters, whatever you want. We'll sell all them to the kids.

52:41Rosie Ramsey:And then on the same one, we can do denture stuff and that.

52:44Chris Ramsey:Yeah, from Werther's Originals to Yo-Yos. We've got you covered.

52:48Rosie Ramsey:That's us.

52:49Chris Ramsey:Fidget spinner.

52:50Rosie Ramsey:Ready. Sorry, I told you.

52:51Chris Ramsey:Yeah.

52:57Chris Ramsey:Ball in a cup?

53:00Rosie Ramsey:Please stop. I'm still catching up and only just finished episode 188. Holy fuck. You guys briefly mentioned that Jason Cook likes picking up dog poo on a cold day.

53:10Chris Ramsey:Oh my God, he mentioned that to me the other day.

53:12Rosie Ramsey:And it reminded me of a debate concerning two of my mum's friends. That is gross, by the way. He said it warms his hand up.

53:19Chris Ramsey:I must have told you about when our garden had phoned me with an ick.

53:23Rosie Ramsey:What? When someone hangs it over the... Yeah, we've said it. It was a woman

53:26Chris Ramsey:talking on her mobile phone with it hanging on her... And it was like hitting her chin while she was talking on her phone. He said she was gorgeous as well. It made it much worse. And he's got a dog. because dog poo smells so bad so bad so bad right um but it got us onto the topic of dogs

53:43Rosie Ramsey:and my mum told us about her friend who likes to carry her dog's poo in her hand on a cold day yes like in the bag in her hand same as jason yeah this didn't sound that i'm sorry absolutely

53:55Chris Ramsey:not jason says it's amazing he's like on a really cold day when you and the dog has a poo and you pick up your dog poo and you hold it in your hand. It says it's really nice. It's like a little hand warmer. Because when you're filming stuff, we have hand warmers on set. If you film it outside. But it's shit.

54:10Rosie Ramsey:It's dog shit.

54:11Chris Ramsey:It's in plastic, isn't it? It's in the plastic. Oh, yeah.

54:15Rosie Ramsey:I'll just carry around me baby's vomit in a bag.

54:19Chris Ramsey:Yeah. No. It's in the plastic, isn't it? It's not a fucking tea bag, but yeah. Well, listen.

54:25Rosie Ramsey:This didn't sound that strange to me until she added that her friend would use it as a stress bowl. Squeezing the poo in the bag. Surely this would eventually squeeze the poo out of the holes where it has been tied or even pop the bag. She said her friend insisted that neither of those had ever happened. That's upset me. So she's fingering the dog shit in the bag.

54:47Chris Ramsey:Oh, because also, also, so we've all been, I think it's co-op. Co-op do the compostable bags. The green. Oh, yeah. They are fucking. But they're not poo bags. No, no, no. But I'm saying great, but they are flimsy as fuck. Yeah. Like, you put a packet of bacon and they're at the wrong angle. It's like Zorro. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But some of the poo bags are the same. Very similar. I am not playing dog shit Russian roulette.

55:16Rosie Ramsey:No.

55:17Chris Ramsey:Squeezing that. I just think you would be able to smell it

55:19Rosie Ramsey:on your hand after. This one, listen. Listen.

55:24Chris Ramsey:Squeezes it.

55:24Rosie Ramsey:Strap in and listen. That's not it.

55:26Chris Ramsey:Right. I mean.

55:27Rosie Ramsey:Everyone was a little grossed out by this But someone said that they bet their wife could one-up this This wife was at the party And had had quite a bit to drink by this point in the night And said that she would stuff the dog poo bags in her crocs On a cold day She would wiggle her toes around in it for the warmth And to enjoy the squishy feeling You pig

55:53Chris Ramsey:You disgusting pig but why are you wearing Crocs on a cold day? Why are you wearing Crocs on a cold day? Right, everyone who owns Crocs. It's not, it's a cold fucking day. Everyone owns Crocs. It's not fucking religion, right? Congratulations, you've got Crocs. You own other shoes. Yes, they're easy to put on and off. I understand I wear golf shoes to go and pick the kids up when it's raining because I can't be honest, I lace up boots because the golf shoes are waterproof. Motherfucker. Thank you. Not even that, that. That's the dog shit in Crocs, wiggling her toes in them. That is one of the worst visuals because everyone, am I right?

56:30Chris Ramsey:Everyone, fill in the blanks. What am I going to say? I'll give you a second. You know what I'm going to say. If that bag pops, that dog shit is coming through the holes in the Crocs like fucking Play-Doh.

56:41Rosie Ramsey:It's shit.

56:42Chris Ramsey:I've had enough.

56:43Rosie Ramsey:Why are people so...

56:44Chris Ramsey:I've had enough.

56:47Rosie Ramsey:It's like being, oh, I take my burn out for the walk in the park and when they have a crap in their nappy, I'm just going to hold it between my thighs while I'm sat on the park bench. What the fuck?

56:59Chris Ramsey:That's really bad. That's really, really horrible. Like, oh, on a cold day,

57:03Rosie Ramsey:when they've filled their nappy full of piss, I just like to rub it between my hands. I put it in my bra. And just put it on my face. Yeah, put it on my bra. Just throw it on myself while I'm walking. Oh, put it in the bin, you monkey bastards. I think this is too much. I didn't know that this, I didn't know that this part of society existed with dog shit.

57:20Chris Ramsey:All I'm saying is you're a pervert, right? Because you are in the house. You know it's a cold day. You have the choice to put socks and some shoes, trainers or boots on. But you know that you're going out for a walk. Your dog's going to have a shit and you're going to be... I'm sorry. Are you decanting this shit into two bags to go in one crock each other? You've got one foot hotter than the other.

57:38Rosie Ramsey:I don't know. It's just blown my mind. Both of them. I'm telling you right now. I'm telling you right now.

57:45Chris Ramsey:That dog's off leads. That dog's walking somewhere. That dog's done a fucking six inch cack, right? and it's like that. It's like a little log. She's getting bag in each hand and she's doing that and she's pulling it in half and then she's tying them up and she's putting one off on the left foot, one off on the right foot and honestly, I hope it bursts. I hope it bursts and then I hope you get rushed to hospital and they have to take your shitty croc shoes off and go, what has this woman done? I hope it's nothing serious.

58:10Rosie Ramsey:Hi Chris and Rosie. I've listened since day one but this is the first time I've had something worthy of emailing.

58:15Chris Ramsey:Well, do you know what? I hope it's worth the wait. Thank you so much for listening. We really appreciate it.

58:19Rosie Ramsey:Such a super fan that I knew the email off the top of my head. Wow. So when I sent this to Day in the Gym, I just had to write in. I have recently joined my local council gym and have been using my day off work to go for a swim and a sauna.

58:34Chris Ramsey:Eric.

58:34Rosie Ramsey:I was in the sauna today trying to avoid small talk with all the men who just like to hang out there.

58:38Chris Ramsey:Sorry, what's a council gym?

58:40Rosie Ramsey:Like?

58:41Chris Ramsey:Like, what, Haven Point?

58:43Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, but it's a council building, isn't it?

58:46Chris Ramsey:Yeah, all right, okay.

58:47Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, yeah. You have to pay to go.

58:49Chris Ramsey:Right, so it's not free?

58:50Rosie Ramsey:No.

58:50Chris Ramsey:Right, okay. I think she means like,

58:52Rosie Ramsey:so like it's not a chain gym. Right, so it's not like a pure gym or something like that. It's a country.

58:57Chris Ramsey:Well, we've got one. It's lovely, Haven Point.

58:59Rosie Ramsey:She's trying to avoid small talk with all the men who just like to hang out there.

59:02Chris Ramsey:In the sauna, okay.

59:03Rosie Ramsey:And a young guy came in. He was probably in his mid-30s. Being the only girl and the only one not retired in a sauna, I gave him a polite smile as he went and sat down. A few minutes go by and a lot of boring retired small talk. I can't wait. and I noticed him take a drink from the water bottle that he had brought in with him except it wasn't a water bottle

59:27Chris Ramsey:sorry so he's brought something in with him

59:29Rosie Ramsey:he's brought a bottle in that's got his water in this is not rude sorry I know you all think that

59:34Chris Ramsey:sit and chat to strangers in the sauna by the way you all thought that

59:36Rosie Ramsey:she was going to sit on his fingers or something like that this is not what's happening alright

59:41Chris Ramsey:if you listen to this podcast for a long time you could think that imagine

59:46Rosie Ramsey:that would be so awful horrible People just sat in the sun like this.

59:49Chris Ramsey:Absolutely horrible. Absolutely horrible. I'm sure it's been done.

59:54Rosie Ramsey:So it's not a water bottle, except it isn't a water bottle. It was a bottle of 500 mils radox bubble bath. Chris aside, I know most men are just a little bit gross, but I don't care how many times you've washed that out, you can definitely still taste the lavender scented foam that hangs in the corner of the bottle. He was using... Oh, do you think I meant actual bubble bath? before and then he did it by accident. He's using it as a water bottle.

1:00:19Chris Ramsey:He was using... I know exactly what you mean. It's like slightly square. I put my cock in that. I put my cock in that.

1:00:29Chris Ramsey:Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner. That is... He's using it. Nah.

1:00:33Rosie Ramsey:He's using it as a...

1:00:35Chris Ramsey:What are you doing?

1:00:36Rosie Ramsey:I thought I heard something.

1:00:37Chris Ramsey:Nah.

1:00:37Rosie Ramsey:He's using it. I think something's happening to me. It was like a little...

1:00:40Chris Ramsey:I did hear it. Did you? Yeah, I heard it. I didn't know what it was. He's using a radox...

1:00:46Rosie Ramsey:Empty Radox bottle. Are we talking blue muscle soak? That's my favourite. I think that's, yeah.

1:00:54Chris Ramsey:That's a water bottle.

1:00:56Rosie Ramsey:It doesn't say, but I want to know whether he's took the label off or not.

1:00:59Chris Ramsey:Well, no, because she knows it's Radox. Because otherwise, it would just look like one of them posh ones, like Fiji or something.

1:01:03Rosie Ramsey:Oh, yeah. Wouldn't it? So, no, he's left the Radox. Well, it's a bit like when people use old juice. I fucking can't believe it. Do you know when people use like a juice bottle? I don't like that. You know, like a Robinson. Yeah, I don't like it either.

1:01:14Chris Ramsey:But I would like, So a lad playing Sunday League has normally got an old Robinson's bottle and it's just filled with water. Which is, you know, fair enough. It's ran out of me, yeah. Or maybe, you know, sometimes you've got just the right amount left in and you go, I'm having a bit, I'll fill the whole water bottle and that's it.

1:01:28Rosie Ramsey:I don't mind that. But a bottle of bubble bath.

1:01:31Chris Ramsey:That's mad. I mean, hey, I'm all for recycling. That is the best recycling you can do, reusing it. But fucking hell, that's odd.

1:01:39Rosie Ramsey:She didn't enjoy it. I immediately had to leave. as he chugged his water down.

1:01:47Chris Ramsey:Burping bubbles like Dumbo.

1:01:49Rosie Ramsey:You know when Dumbo gets pissed?

1:01:51Chris Ramsey:It's burping square bubbles out and people are fucking jumping on them. Oh, what a fucking weirdo.

1:01:59Rosie Ramsey:Poor bugger.

1:02:00Chris Ramsey:I love that. Do you know why I love that? Because he's an absolute weirdo, but it's not filthy or grotesque. No one's getting offended. No one's sexual. Nothing's filthy. He's just...

1:02:09Rosie Ramsey:He's just thought, I haven't got a bottle. this bottle it'll probably it'll probably be in the recycle bin and he thought I'm gonna I'm gonna wash it out and use this

1:02:16Chris Ramsey:you know it's clean

1:02:17Rosie Ramsey:well it's clean you can't get cleaner than that nah nah fucking hell babadoo babadoo babadoo bah please keep me anonymous my employee at work has a daughter who's a top tier porn star top tier travels the world etc oh she's legit right top um but her brother-in-law is full-time employed by her pretending to be her to men on messages and in chat. They are never speaking to her and he earns a really good living out of it. Aren't boys special?

1:02:56Chris Ramsey:I am so impressed with the time management and the delegation. It's a full business. But I am so concerned that his job is talking to people who want to fuck his sister and pretend to be in-law. Not as bad.

1:03:15Rosie Ramsey:Not as bad. Oh, God, he couldn't do it. No, in-law. Okay. Yeah.

1:03:20Chris Ramsey:Still a bit weird.

1:03:20Rosie Ramsey:But I think he might need some therapy later on, later down the line.

1:03:24Chris Ramsey:Yeah.

1:03:24Rosie Ramsey:He might need some therapy. He's pretending to be his sister-in-law, who's a porn star, in these messages to these blokes. And women, maybe. But yeah, so, but that's interesting, isn't it? Wow. It's a business. It's business at the end of the day.

1:03:39Chris Ramsey:Do you know what? It's one of them things. It's something I never thought about. I have never, ever thought about that, but it makes perfect sense. But I imagine a PA would do it, a female PA, but hey, keep it in the family. That's her PA.

1:03:52Rosie Ramsey:He's working as her PA. Wow. I love stuff like that. I couldn't do it.

1:04:00Chris Ramsey:The stuff he must read. That's what I mean. The dick pics he's seen. Oh my God. Could you do it?

1:04:07Rosie Ramsey:that's what I'm saying I think you need therapy

1:04:08Chris Ramsey:do you know what he needs to carry around with him he needs to carry around a little bottle of Radox just rinse his eyes out

1:04:13Rosie Ramsey:every day

1:04:13Chris Ramsey:every couple of days do not put your dick in it thank you so much for listening

1:04:22Rosie Ramsey:and watching this week's episode of Shagged Married and Oro

1:04:25Chris Ramsey:thank you very much indeed we've absolutely loved it we hope you've enjoyed it as much as us if you want to get in touch as always it's shaggedmarriednoid at gmail.com my tour starts on Sunday there's a smattering of tickets left for a few little venues. Have a look on chrisramseycomedy.com and see what that is. And the number for the WhatsApp is on the page that you're listening to this on. Oh, I thought you learned it off by heart. Have a fuck. Jesus Christ. Sorry, I will try. I might get tattooed. Oh, please don't. Do you see? I saw a video of someone the other day. They've got their Tesco club card, QR code tattooed on their arm.

1:04:57Chris Ramsey:And he just beeped it. I love that, actually. But what if they change the system? Then he's fucked.

1:05:02Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. So many people get tattoos for anything. Bye. Bye.

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