Marisa Peer - Transforming Yourself Starts with Your Thoughts

26:05But once the mind learns, oh, food changes my state, it doesn't know how to unlearn it. So 40 years later, they've still got their hand in the cookie jar, still eating toast or potato chips to alleviate stress because once the mind learns this works, it will keep going until you or a therapist, but you can do it yourself. go back and get them. I said, I don't need that anymore. So if I went back to the man I talked about in the beginning with the depression, history was so interesting because his parents were very well off. And every Sunday they'd take him back to boarding school and he would be hysterical.

26:41One day he went and stood in a stream at the end of their garden. So they couldn't get him and he said, I don't want to go. This was obviously years ago because I must have seen him 30 years ago and he was probably 45 so we're talking like 70 years ago they called out the family doctor who gave him a tranquilizer no way they probably thought and then after that they would tranquilize his food every lunchtime put oh my tranquil in his food and he would wake up and then he'd wake up at boarding school so he would fall asleep put him in the car and then he'd wake up at boarding school very just very upset because he so this was the cause of the depression but Here's the reframe, because it's like, how could they do that?

27:24But they didn't get out Google and go, hey, Google, how can we ruin our kid's life? Let's type something in there. Very few parents wake up and say, how can I ruin this kid's life? They probably were quite good people who couldn't bear to see him so upset and thought, this is a wonderful thing. The family doctors recommended it. You know, family doctors used to give you Valium. They used to smoke when they delivered your baby. So they probably thought, oh, what a great idea. So the reframe is they weren't bad people. They were people who didn't know how to handle your emotional state and just ignored it.

27:57And all these years later, you don't know how to handle your emotional state because they learned to drug you. But the reframe is they probably are actually good people who thought, oh, poor son, we've got to stop this. And so the reframe is were my parents really bad when they sent me to school, when they punished me for not doing well? You know, most parents, if they could do better, would do better. And so a lot of the reframe is thinking, actually, you know, we don't realize that when our parents have us, they're not even grown up. They're so immature they're growing up with, they don't know what to do.

28:31You know, when I had my child, I didn't actually know that my job as a parent was to raise her self-esteem. Nobody told me that until much later. Oh, that's my job. If I'd known that was my job, I would have done it much better. I was so busy and got to give her organic broccoli and send her to a nice school and make sure she's doing well. But actually, that wasn't my job at all. My job was to raise a kid with health. And the job of every school is the same. It doesn't matter if your kid speaks Mandarin. It doesn't matter how good they are. If they do not have high self-esteem, then you've completely failed.

29:09Yeah. And so a lot of times parents, you know, they just don't understand. and we don't understand that our parents have their own issues. I mean, my parents should never have got married. They were so unhappy together. And, of course, that affected the way they raised us. They were always fighting, screaming, shouting. It was always high drama. But, you know, when I was in a relationship myself that wasn't working, I had great sympathy for my mother. Oh, God, I can just leave. But she couldn't leave. No wonder she was the way she was because she was stuck. But with my life, I've got my own money.

29:44I can just go. And I did. But then I had compassion for her. So I think a lot of it is look back at the scene and understand the scene didn't affect you as much as what you believed the scene was, how you interpreted, the beliefs you attached to the scene and what affects you. And you can change those. And, of course, you did that so beautifully with your son. I mean, you can never change what happens, but you did an amazing job of changing the meaning. And when you do that, it does change everything. Can I be the devil's advocate for a minute? Sure. So, you know, one of the things that my, if you want, doing brain, if you want, always is interested in, is that the world changes not only when you change, so your state of being, okay, but also when you do the work, your state of doing.

30:42And I have to say, I fear a little bit that this is missed, especially on the internet where people, when you go to someone and say, you have an incredible memory, right? Yeah. I can understand that because through neuroplasticity you can actually make things change, right? But if you go to someone and say, for example, how your friends might tell you, oh, by the way, you're amazing. He's an asshole. He left because of him. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You're gorgeous. You're a goddess. Okay. Or the other way around, you know, tell a man, you know, women are difficult. This is why she left.

31:23You know, it's not your mistake. You did everything right. We're sort of creating limiting beliefs, not limiting. They're liberating beliefs, but they're not true, right? And they don't lead to action. How do you distinguish when you should tell yourself, I am this and that, and it's actually true, it's part of you, like I am good with computers, okay? And stop yourself from saying that about Spanish when you're not good with Spanish. Well, first of all, it's not what other people tell you. Your friends can say, you're amazing, you're an idiot, you're wonderful, you're boring, you're too much, you're not enough, it's really what you tell yourself.

32:03When our friends say things, we understand there's an agenda. If I said to you, oh, Mo, you're amazing and you're fantastic and you're wonderful, by the way, can I borrow this studio next week? I've used praise to totally manipulate you. We understand that. Marissa, that hurts my, of course, my darling, you can borrow anything, anytime. I know, but we understand that, you know, a lot of people say, what do you want? You know, if you go home, you say something nice to your partner, what do you want? Or your kid comes up and says, mommy, and you go, what do you want? Because we know that, that when we praise or indeed criticize others, we normally have an agenda.

32:37I'm having a bad day, so I'm going to be mean to you. And then a miserable man finds a more miserable man, feels a bit better. So we understand that. It's a bit like if this was a seesaw and you feel inadequate and the person here doesn't, then now you see the world like that because you feel inadequate and they don't. So you only have two choices. You're going to diminish them or elevate you. And what you really want to happen is that. And a lot of people are very busy diminishing or elevating because they feel inadequate. So we get that. This person is mean and bitter. They're having a bad day.

33:10The problem is when you're mean and bitter about yourself, your mind can't say having a bad day. So when you say, I'm an idiot, I'm a loser, I've got rocks, brains, everything I touch falls apart. I just can't be motivated. My relationships never work out. The mind doesn't see an agenda, it sees it as it must be true, because you said it. And so it's the words that you say about you that cause the most harm, but also the most benefit. So if you can start to say every day, I'm a good person, I got a good heart, I do have a gift, I have a talent, I have my own skill set, I'm significant, I'm enough, then they will sink in just like butter sinks into toast.

33:52Because just like toast, Just like toast can't reject the butter if it's horrible, disgusting, cheap margarine, it'll still go in. So, of course, if you start to say things like I'm a rocket scientist or I'm a goddess or I'm a rock star, the mind goes, well, but you're not really because you don't have a goddess's apartment and you don't have a rock star's income. So you will start to doubt it. So, therefore, you have to use words that you can't doubt. I'm enough. I mean, how could you doubt that? I'm lovable. I matter. I'm here for a reason. Somebody wanted me to be here because here I am. So it's very important when you're giving yourself, I don't use affirmations, I call them statements of truth.

34:34Use ones that you can't argue against. I'm a lovable person. You might go, yeah, but I've got fat legs. So what? So lovable. Very lovable. I don't have any hair. So what? I don't have a great apartment. It's when you tell yourself things like, you know that song, hey, I'm a rock star, I've got my rock moves. People go, yeah, but really I don't, I live in a part with four other people. I don't, it's not really a rock star. So you've got to give yourself suggestions that you can't argue against. I'm a good person. I've got a good heart. I matter. I'm likable. I'm lovable. I'm enough. I have something to offer the world.

35:09You might go, what is it? I don't know. But I do have something. And so we've got to sort of separate what are we looking for? because you're talking about words that come with feelings. And so the opposite, if I'm enough, is I'm not enough. I don't matter. I'm not significant. I'm not good at anything. I don't even know why I'm here. And it's the harsh, hurtful, critical words that we say about ourselves on a daily basis that cause depression. If your boss said, oh, you're rubbish, or if your ex said, I don't know why I ever got together with you, you can go, I think they're having a bad day.

35:46But when you say, I don't matter, and I'm rubbish and I've got nothing going on. That is one of the major causes of depression. And of course, when you're depressed, you can't outsource that to someone else. And go, can you tell me I'm okay? Because people are telling me, you're good, you're okay, you're lovely. They go, no, I'm not. So you have to understand that it's the outsourcing that makes it go wrong. It's your job and only your job to go, I'm a good person. I do matter. I'm here for a reason. I do have a skill. And even though you might go, but I don't even believe it, it doesn't matter.

36:27You ought to keep saying it because the mind learns by repetition. And if, as you say, I matter, I'm lovable, I'm significant. If you'll find some things happen, some people say, I feel really angry when I say that. I feel angry with you, Marissa, for telling me to say it. Well, that's okay. You're angry because you don't believe it. So here's the solution. Keep saying it until you do. Until you do. Some people say, I feel tearful when I say that. I well up because you don't believe it keeps saying until you do. Some people say, you know, I feel it's silly. But Muhammad Ali said, I told myself I was the greatest before I even was.

37:02I said it. It wasn't true. But you know what happened? It became true. So there's a concept. Say something good about yourself, even if you don't believe it. Because the mind learns by repetition. It loves what is familiar. And the mind will always, it's one of the most vexing things for therapy is that the human mind loves what's familiar and doesn't like what it doesn't know. So when you're saying I'm a good person and it's not familiar, you feel angry or sad or annoyed or think it's silly. But if you keep going, it becomes familiar. Because if the mind likes what is familiar, which it does, then our job is to make good stuff familiar and negative stuff and make praise from the criticism unfamiliar.

37:45And then the mind will keep going, back to it because you've made it familiar. Just like putting a piece of silicone on you, shoving it in your eye is totally unfamiliar. If you do it every day, it becomes super easy. So you believe that everyone? Yeah, of course I do. Everyone is enough. I mean, nobody is beautiful. Well, I've never met a baby yet that's been born and you could shut it in a cupboard and it would just lie there and not cry. Or babies born with a sense. Because after all, in the womb, It's like being in the Four Seasons. It's always 75 degrees. There's someone there. You have 24-hour room service.

38:24So you're born with this new belief, which is someone's going to take care of all my needs. And I have a friend who's a very famous DJ called Sammy Shoebox. And he's called that because he was put in a shoebox on the Philippines on a rubbish dump and just left there. Oh, my God. And apparently he's told the story a lot, but, you know, he cried for several days and people went past and thought it was a cat or a dog. But by day three, somebody thought, what is that sound? And they went and found a little baby in a shoebox who was adopted in America and has got his own child now and is an amazing guy.

38:57But his story is, I must have thought I was enough because I didn't cry for an hour. I cried for three days. It's a bit like a little abandoned kitten will come up and meow, you know, when you go to cafes and they come up and they keep coming back and they keep coming back because their belief is you're going to take care of me if I ask you to. And so there isn't a baby in the world who's been shut in a cupboard or shut in a shoebox and thought, well, I just lie here. What's the point? So we're born with this belief that we matter and we're enough and we're here for a reason. And, of course, anyone with a baby will say, you know, they cry at 3 in the morning, it's so annoying, or just when you've gone to sleep, they want to wake up because they have this belief.

39:41Every baby's born knowing they're enough. And it's what happened to that that we should be not, did I have it? Of course you had it. The question is, where is it now? Because it usually hasn't gone. It's just been buried under other stuff. I'm not enough because they have streaming in my school, and my mom said I should have been a boy, and my dad said I should have been a girl, or I was meant to be the family accountant, and I can't even do math. So it's never was I born believing I was enough. It's yes, you were. Yeah. Where did it go? and how quickly can you resurrect it? Where did it go is really the question.

40:17I mean, I normally ask myself openly, I think the big observation is you go on a dating site, right? And everyone is beautiful for someone, right? Of course. Every pan has its lid. My gran used to say that every pan has a lid. And so everyone is enough. For somebody. For somebody or something or some mission or some, you know, purpose and so on. Everyone matters for those that they matter to. And I think the problem with us is that I don't know where that came from. The question is, where did we lose it? Maybe because of school and telling us that we have to be as good in geography as we are in math.

40:59Or maybe we're not good enough if we don't do, you know, I don't know, extracurricular activities or whatever that is. And I think the trick here is, no, you are. You're amazing. It's just enough for what? And you're absolutely enough, you know, matter to who and absolutely you matter. Beautiful in the eyes of who and you absolutely are. And I think the trick is reframing because if you start to say, oh, but seven people think I'm fat or I'm too skinny or I'm too short or I'm too tall or I'm too whatever, the way you teach me is to say, no, no, three people think I'm the shit. Right. And that's the whole point.

41:37Yeah, and I think I am too, because the most important is yours. Because of that, I am. And I think that's the trick. You know, if you, the first time I shaved my head, I was like, okay, you know, it's not really that I had a choice, but I, you know, I was hoping that the world would like it. And, you know, as I started to feel that the world was saying, oh, that's not too bad, you're actually handsome. And then, you know what, I started to tell myself that. and I wouldn't grow hair for the world. I mean, not that I can. But the other way around is you can tell yourself that first because when you elevate that sense of I like it, I feel good, I feel comfortable, the world will join you at that level.

42:18That's interesting. So when you're saying to them, do you like my hair? They go, no, you go, oh, do you like it? Well, it's all right. But when you go, I really like it. I feel good with my hair like that because the most important opinion is your opinion And it's, again, what we do a lot is we outsource. Yeah. And then schools do a terrible job. You know, streaming is a dreadful thing that schools do. We've all heard that expression, comparison to the thief of joy. But a school does that. They compare. You know, when I had my kid, they're going, you know, is your kid walking yet? Can they feed themselves yet?

42:53And it's this competition. How quickly can your kid walk, get off the bottle, speak? And all these mothers, well, mine could do that. Mine was potty trained at 10 months. You go, oh, God, mine still isn't at three, and now I feel inadequate. But there's a great expression I love that says it doesn't matter how long it takes to climb a mountain. When you get to the top, the view is the same for everybody. Now, I think I passed, I don't know how many driving lessons I took. I think I failed my driving test twice and passed it on the third time. But when you're on the road, you're all equal. How many tests did you take?

43:27Oh, my God, I passed first time. Because suddenly it doesn't matter. But at the time, it matters a great deal. So you are right, it is comparing. And we live in a world now where you can go on a website and I say, well, to grade you like an egg. What grade am I? You know, we have social media where we are constantly compared. Everyone's house and body and lifestyle is better than ours. Everyone's kids are better than ours. And that's what we've done. You know, we have an epidemic of kids with eating disorders, self-harming, using drugs to numb out because they are compared every day at school, at home.

44:08You know, we know that because the countries that didn't have social media had no instance of anorexia or bulimia. And the minute they got it, they also got epidemics of eating disorders. They saw that happening in Turkey and Fiji when they got piped in television shows like Beverly Hills 90210. Oh, I need to look like that. Apparently you've got to have fat hair and a thin butt, but I've got thin hair and a fat butt, so there's something wrong with me. And that's the problem the media tells us every day. You don't conform. And we have to fight back. And it's good now that we have body shaming.

44:48And people say, you know what, this is me. I loved Lena Durham, you know, who wrote Girls. when someone said, you've got fat legs, she goes, get used to them. I'm wearing shorts when I'm 80, so you better get used to these fat legs. They're not going anywhere. I love that, that you can own it and go, yeah, you know what? My legs aren't super skinny. I do have some wrinkles. I'm not 25, but I'm here, and I'm living my best life. And my job isn't to make you happy. My job is to make me happy. My job is to raise my own self-esteem. It's called self-esteem. you know you can't raise it because it's called if I said I hold you in the highest esteem I mean I do I think you're amazing but selfism is what I think about me and I nobody else can do that job of raising it I have to do it and that's what we should be teaching in schools how can you feel good about yourself because here's the thing when you feel good about yourself you do better you tend to find your gift and pursue it and the whole world would change if you could all stop the comparison and go, isn't it great that you're good at this and I'm good at that?

45:52And that's so nice. I have someone who works for me called Rosie. She's a brilliant, much better writer than me. I give all my writing assignments to her. I don't get jealous of her. I think, I'm so lucky that I've got this girl who is a genius. I mean, I'm a good writer, but she is a genius. It's her gift. And it's such a shame we don't all recognize everyone's gift instead of getting competitive. but we get competitive because someone's told us you're not enough. You need to shape up. And we do, of course, all need to expand and grow and develop. But you never make someone better by starting with criticism.

46:30You're so fat. Why don't you lose a bit of weight? You look such a mess. Why don't you straighten up? You're so stupid. Why don't you study? It doesn't work. It works by saying, hey, you lost a few pounds. You look amazing. You're not going to lose a few pounds more now. Yeah. Because criticism withers people and praise makes them grow. But it has to be real praise. I mean, you're right. You can't go, you're amazing, you're phenomenal, you're incredible. You have to give praise like saying to a kid, you're so good with your granddad or you're so good with your little sister or you're really good at cooking this thing or with a dog.

47:09And then if you give real praise, they start to follow their gifts. So Marissa, when you were growing up and struggling with your home, when was your awakening moment? When did you choose? Oh, I think I had so many. So, you know, I had an interesting life because I literally lived in a house with a white picket fence. It all looked lovely from the outside, but inside it was crazy. My father was my head teacher. I went to his school and that, you know, I always felt like a freak. because for children, our greatest need when we're born is to find connection, avoid rejection. All our life we're looking, can I find connection, avoid rejection?

47:48When you go to your father's school, you don't find connection. You find a lot of rejection. So that was very strange. But of course, it gave me a great understanding of what it's like to be different. And I realized with all of my clients that most people only have three things wrong with them. If you think of an umbrella, the three things are I'm different so I can't connect. I'm not enough. And I want them, but it's not available to me. And I found in all my years, that's everything that's wrong with everybody. Everything else comes underneath it. Wow. Say those again. I'm different so I can't connect.

48:22I'm not enough. You know, I'm not good enough, worthy enough. Every addict, I've worked with so many addicts, I've never ever thought they were worthy enough, ever. And when you're not enough, you need more, more alcohol, more drugs, more praise. And the last one, I want something that's not available. I want to be happy I've got the depressed gene. I want love, but I didn't have a dad on my last relationship. I want success, but I'm not smart enough. And, you know, I've taught, I think nearly 17 ,000 therapists now. And one of the things we do is say, look, every client who comes in, look for one of those three things and treat that.

48:59So if I was treating an alcoholic or a drug addict, I'd be treating very much at the same time the not enoughness because if you only treat the addiction I mean George Michael was treated for an addiction Amy Winehouse had treatment for being a bulimic and anorexic uh alcoholic and a drug but she never had treatment for the not enoughness and so that's always been my mission to let's treat the real issue what I call what lies beneath and if you can do that. So I think when I was growing up, my moments were realizing that I never felt enough and I felt incredibly different. But of course, I realized that that made sense in my childhood.

49:42Once you leave home, you don't have to keep it going. If your life was a massive clock, your childhood is really the first seven minutes because we're told, oh, your school days are the best days of your life and it's all downhill. And I thought, actually, that's not true. it isn't always the best. It can be horrible for some of us and amazing for others. But I think it was realizing that this thing about how it all looks okay, but it's really not, and how you learn what you live. And it really made me have a great understanding of what makes people tick, that your life can look amazing and that it isn't what happened.

50:22It's how you feel. So I felt like a freak. I felt so different because I was the head teacher's daughter. And imagine being 11 and going to your dad, so I won't finish the sentence because they're 18. I didn't know what to do. And everyone thought I'd be this amazing genius because I was the head teacher's daughter. But my father, I mean, he also had his own agenda. He was paid to be interested in other people's kids. And they did what he said. So at home, he just, I mean, I don't think he quite understood that that isn't a 24-hour thing. It's like my daughter one day when she was little, she had a cold.

50:58She said, Mommy, I just don't have medicine. I don't want you to give me something healing. I want medicine like all my friends. I went, okay, darling, you can have medicine. Because I understood too that she too is like, you know, I'm a therapist and we can do this healing. We can have some lavender. No, I want cowpaw like all my friends. We'll go get some for you straight away. because kids don't want to be different. And I think the big thing about my childhood is how different I felt my whole life and realizing how, what a bane of your life that is as a kid when you just want to fit in. But how many people have that?

51:36How many people feel different? You feel different because you're smart or stupid, because you're rich, you're poor, because you're the tallest, because you're the first kid to develop or the last. There's so many ways we feel different. And, of course, you know, I spent quite a bit of time in Africa, and everyone looks the same, and they don't have that because in a small tribe you know who you are. But in a multicultural world, this difference really is the bane of our lives. And we magnify it. And the disconnection is the other bane of our lives. And now, of course, you can get up and Instacart delivers your stuff.

52:15Uber can pick you up. You cannot speak to anyone for days. We're creating a world of like massive, massive disconnection, forgetting that connection is our primary driving need. One question I wanted to ask you is about 2024, but maybe we should start from there. In my mind, we're coming to an interesting, maybe challenging year, right? Economically, the signs are not great, the geopolitical situation, people are feeling it everywhere. And I tend to believe that, you know, sometimes people get really surprised when I speak to them about artificial intelligence and the challenges that are ahead.

52:55And I speak about it so calmly and so optimistically. And, you know, in a very interesting way, I'm actually very composed about it, almost stoic, if you think about it. And I believe people can do that with everything in their life, that it doesn't matter if the external world is challenging. you can from within you deal with that. But let's start with how we are at the end of 2023. You know, we created a world that's magnifying difference, that's increasing comparison, that is really almost pinning us against everyone else instead of being part of everyone else. And that's a very difficult place for the brain, the untrained brain, let's say, to navigate.

53:40So what would be your advice? I mean, how can we be less irritable, less angry, less against each other? Well, you know, I think a lot of us are sold this lie that, you know, if you can get some control in life, then it's going to be good. If you can control your weight, if you turn up always looking like groomed and perfect, if you can control your body or your temper, or if you can have this control, then you'll be happy. But this is not true, because the only thing you can control in life are your thoughts. I can't control the traffic. I can't control the weather. I can't even control my body really, because if I did, I'd never get tired or sick, or I'd never get a headache, or I'd never get a cold.

54:21You can only control your thinking. And when you can learn to control your thoughts and make your thoughts positive, then that's a game changer. So we look at the world and go, wow, what's happening with AI and all this stuff? But the thing is, you can look at that and choose what to feel about it and if you're not choosing to feel better you must be choosing to feel worse if you wake up and go oh gosh the world is terrible what's happening and there's war and there's stuff going on and the what's happening in the economy then you're actually choosing to feel bad so everything is a choice and you always have to choose what something means i mean could abi be amazing yeah could it be threatening yes it could be both and in a world where everything is changing, you have to say, but I'm not changing.

55:08I'm the same mother, the same father, the same sister, the same daughter, the same parent. Because really, we had this in 9-11. We had it in the 80s when I was a dance teacher and AIDS was this epidemic and it was like, oh my God, everyone's going to die, every 10th person. Imagine being a dancer in that world. I mean, I taught dance. I wasn't a dancer. I taught for pineapple dance studios, but it was a world of a lot of gay people. And we're all told everyone's going to know someone. And yet here we are today. People have had AIDS for 45 years. They're not dying of it anymore. It isn't the disaster.

55:46After 9-11, as bad as it was, we went back. After SARS, we went back. So periodically, we have these terrifying things that come up. The world's going to change. nothing's going to be the same again. And if you look historically, that actually isn't true because the world always seems to go back to love, back to family, back to people, back to connection. And I might sound very naive, but if you look at history, you see that we do always seem to come out of these terrible world wars and the things that are going on and we seem to go on and maybe that won't happen forever. But it's a choice, you know, you have to choose.

56:29What are you looking at? Because as Wayne Dyer said, when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. And we can all choose to look at the world and go, this is terrible, you know, the world is a disaster and everything has changed so much in the last 20 years. But actually everything changed so much in the 1920s when we got cars and radios and televisions. and we think the last 20 years have changed, but actually it was the first part of the last century where things changed so dramatically. But you mustn't give away your choice. You can choose what something means. Even in a terrible, terrible place, you still get to choose what does this mean?

57:11How do I feel about it? You know, is the world changing? Can I still be the certain person? Can I still be myself with my right values? and the right people around me. I love that. I love that you bring it back to this is about what I can do with me. Yeah, with me. Yeah. Because I can't change the world, but I can't stop the world changing. I can say I'm the same wife, mother, friend, sister that I've ever been and the things that matter to me, the people I love. Of course, whenever anyone is dying and you ask them what matters a lot they don't regret what they didn't do they always regret i didn't spend enough time with my kids i should have told my partner i love them more yeah and so we got to always come back to what what makes us happy it's our relationships with people it isn't how much stuff you have or how much stuff you've earned or the accolades you have it's who do you love who loves you you know what are the things that make you happy and you know For me, it's like the first cup of tea every morning, getting into clean sheets, having a bath.

58:20I find it's the simple things. Always is. Something that smells so good, sitting down and eating something, having a phone call, being with people you love. And we're so busy chasing the big stuff. But actually, the key to being happy is to love, what I call an aptitude to gratitude. If you can like the small stuff, every day you wake up and think, oh, I wake up because I live on a canal. And I wake up to the sound of ducks and birds. Now I've just moved here, but I also live in a nature reserve. And so every time I wake up, I always wake up to animals. And I love that. And I find actually my own animals give me immense joy.

58:58And so you've got to look for the little things that give you pleasure and extend it and extend it. And again, if you're looking out there for something good, you're not going to find it. Anywhere you're looking that isn't in here, you're not going to find it. You have to say, what makes me happy? what gives me joy? Can I add on to that? You know, I would say, you know, in COVID, someone put seven abandoned kittens in my garage, and they gave me so much joy. They gave me so much pleasure. They taught me a lot about psychology, too, because they were found in a car park, taken to a shelter, taken somewhere else, driven like, I think, two hours, because I said, look, I'll take them.

59:39And then they were living in my garage, but they were completely self-contained, and expected to be worshipped, would run out of their cage, covered in diarrhea, climb up my leg. And they had no concept. They weren't lovable. But I remember thinking, you know, when I go, oh, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this all the time. When I'm, like, in my eights, I'm going to take in more rescue animals. When I'm 90, I'm going to have so many animals. So you sort of thinking, oh, gosh, when I get older, you think, oh, well, I can have loads of animals. I'm going to have a garden. I'm going to have all these wild cats living in my garden.

1:00:09I'm going to take in abandoned pets. So, because if you find something that makes you happy, you've got to extend it and extend it. And if your first cup of tea gives you pleasure, extend it. Like, you know, I love, I'm a food lover. I go, but no, actually you're not. You're a food abuser because look at you're eating this terrible food really fast. Loving food is extending the pleasure. Enjoy every mouth fully. So you go, oh my God, this is sensational. And extend it. but you can extend the pleasure of having a bath or, you know, and then I was in London in the summer and it was raining and my husband and I went, we both got into bed in the afternoon to have a nap.

1:00:51He was asleep. I was reading the paper. My friends would have, I was thinking, well, I'm so happy. And I thought, well, it's raining outside and here I am. I'm sitting, having, I'm reading. My husband's asleep next to me. And I was working out what was it about that moment that was so lovely it was my friends are downstairs but I'm up here they're making don't have to do anything it's raining outside I've got a lovely husband who's he's having a sleep that's good and I'm reading and I don't get to read and it was such a great moment and so you've got to think oh well I can do that a lot of them that's having people in my house taking a nap reading all these things give me pleasure and it's always the little things but you've got to think why is this making me so happy?

1:01:34What is it? And now how can I keep extending that? And then I'm going to feel happy all the time or almost all the time. You're amazing. You're amazing. I mean, the whole concept of many people would look at that moment and curse the rain and look at their husband and say, oh, look at him, lazy bastard. And right. It's just you find the joy in those things. And there is joy in everything, isn't there? And it's teaching your mind, of course, to look for the joy. You know, I remember coming home a couple of years ago and I was watching War and Peace. And I was thinking, I said, God, this is, I'm so happy.

1:02:12I was just sitting on my couch. It was such a great series, War and Peace. I highly recommend. I thought, oh, I'm in heaven watching this. And of course, what your darling, I'm in heaven. This is amazing. This is sensational. This is so good. If you're training your brain, when you go, oh, this is so boring. I'm bored out of my mind here. This is so stressful. This is driving me crazy. When you say on the freeway, this commute is killing me. These kids are making me lose my mind. If my husband leaves his pants, well, one more time, I'm going to go nuts. You're actually training yourself too to be upset by little things.

1:02:51And the trick is to just train yourself to be thrilled. by good things, you know, to say, so a couple of years ago, my daughter and her husband, it was New Year, and they said, we're going to cook. And my husband and I went to their house, and they cooked. And I said, this is my best New Year ever. I've been to so many fancy events, but just putting on my jeans and coming here and you cooking. And they were so happy, and because I was so happy to see them so happy. But I think that was my favorite New Year. But again, what was it? Well, I didn't have to do a thing. I didn't have to get dressed up.

1:03:24I loved seeing how in love they were. But it's training your brain. What makes me happy? What makes me content? What gives me pleasure? And then surely I can have more of that, not less of it. So simple sometimes. Yeah. It really is. I'm going to ask the tough question because I think others will be thinking about it. So, you know, what if you are disapproving of the state of the world? What if others are feeling pain at the same time? Yeah, well, they are. I mean, a lot of people are in tremendous pain. I mean, the world as it is now is causing a lot of people pain, either because they're in that situation or they're looking at it thinking, I feel powerless to do anything about it.

1:04:07Or they're numbed out and they're so overexposed to it that they feel bad that they're not doing more. But, you know, you can only work on you. We can't change, and there's a great expression saying, I tried to change the world and the world wouldn't change. Okay, I just changed my country. It wouldn't change. I thought, well, I changed my community. That wouldn't change. Changed my family. On my deathbed, I finally thought, oh, too late. I realized I should have just changed myself. So the way to change the world is to change people one soul at a time to make us like, I mean, we wouldn't be going to war and competing and fighting if we all felt, I'm good.

1:04:48you're good I don't have to fight with you or compete with you because I'm okay so you know it's very hard to change the world that's a big ask but if you can change and there are people doing that changing people we now have green schools and forest schools and green communities and people campaigning like Greenpeace and saving the ocean so we do have people out there changing the world. So again, it's like, am I looking at the bad stuff? Am I looking at the good stuff? There's a lot of good stuff going on. A lot of good people doing good stuff. Maybe there aren't enough of them quite yet, but still we can all think, well, what can I do?

1:05:33How can I do my bit? What can I do? And you can do something like join Friends of the Earth, join Greenpeace, join Save the Oceans. I have two different friends who both created sanitary products to save the ocean. One created period pads, which is an amazing thing. I mean, what an amazing product she's made. She's now making diapers that have mushrooms and that eat the bacteria. They don't go to landfill. That's an amazing thing. Someone has no created washable sanitary pads, which is an amazing thing. They just, two girls who did this on their own. but again it's it's you've got to be careful what you look for if you go home and put on the news and read the paper and talk about how awful things are and how terrible everything is then that's what you get because whatever you focus on you get more of and if you think you know i should watch the news but i'm just going to turn it off today i'm not i'm just going to focus on nature and look at these beautiful plants or listen to this running water.

1:06:40Because your mind can't be in two lanes. We're often in two lanes. I'm in this lane. The world is terrible. It's scary. It's unpredictable. It's a disaster. But there's also this lane where I have some nice friends and I'm around nature and I'm looking at some beautiful stuff. But you can't be in both. You can't drive two cars in two lanes. And so our job is to keep going into the lane that makes us feel better while also doing whatever we can to help the world. I mean, I still turn off lights. My husband thinks I'm crazy. He goes, why are you turning off the lights? Even in an Airbnb, I'm like, well, I think you should.

1:07:16Everyone should turn off lights. And even in a hotel, I would turn off the air conditioning, turn off the lights, because I think that's responsible. And he said, well, what's the point? You know, look at all these buildings here that never turn off the lights. It's, I think everyone has to, you know, I still recycle. My husband says there's no point. They just put it all in the same place. But I think if you can feel that you're doing your bit somehow, somewhere, then you feel you're contributing somehow. Even if it's a tiny thing, it still makes it like, you know, I'm wherever I go, especially I feed abandoned cats.

1:07:51Now I have cat food in my car. I even have it in my bag. My husband thinks it's funny. I said, but, you know, if I feed that cat for a week, even though I'm never coming back here, we were in another country a few weeks ago, and they had these abandoned dogs on the beach, and so every day I would take them sausages and bread and feed them. I said, but they're learning to trust someone. And they're coming and putting them in. They're so trusting me that when I go, they'll go and do that to someone, make those big puppy eyes, and someone else will feed them. So even though I can only feed them for a week, I'm teaching them that somebody will feed them and maybe somebody else will.

1:08:29And then I was feeding this one dog and it had a damaged egg and it disappeared. And I was like, oh, I'm so upset. It's just gone. I was thinking, I hope they haven't put it down. I thought, no, I'm going to believe that someone's taken it to the vet because that's a choice. I can think, oh, someone's taken that dog and euthanized it. Or I could say, some nice person's taken it to the vet and it's in the vet now having its leg fixed. I don't know which is true, but I know which one made me feel better and which one made me feel awful. And so you've got to realize that if you're not choosing to think better thoughts, someone's paid for that dog to get his leg fixed.

1:09:07You're choosing to put someone's put that poor dog down and they've killed it. Because I don't know which is right, but that's the freedom to choose. And the important thing to remember is that while I can choose what to think, If I choose to think someone has killed that dog, my body has no choice but to react in a bad way. So that's the point. Your body has zero choice but to react to your thoughts, but you have the choice to think better thoughts. And in thinking better thoughts, you're choosing to let your body behave. So if you think I've got this gene, this fat gene or this depressed gene, nothing, I've got the alcoholic gene and I'm completely screwed now for the rest of my life.

1:09:51The fact that you're choosing to think that, you're going to make that become true. And if you think, well, I don't have to have an alcoholic gene, and even if I did, there's a lot of ways I cannot drink, even if I have the alcoholic gene. It's like, you know, I was told I had this cancer gene, which is very unfortunate, because it means your body actually doesn't know how, when it's got cancer, how to recognize it or even fight it. When they told me that, I was like, well, that's unfortunate. I was thrilled my daughter didn't have it. But then I thought, but you know, every other person gets cancer.

1:10:23And so statistically, the fact I have this gene doesn't really make that much difference to my chances, because my chance is already 50%. And then even though I have that gene, I can still choose. I can choose. And I have to take turmeric every day, which is really good at helping the body fight inflammation, which is a precursor to cancer. So even when you hear something really bad, you can still choose so when I I had cancer I had endometrial cancer womb cancer but then I remember thinking well it's a stroke of luck because I don't need a womb I have all the organs to have it in I've got it in one that's done its job it hasn't got another job to do yeah but everyone has that choice you know my friend said that she had a breast age well I don't need a breast so it's better than having leg cancer or bone cancer or eye cancer so even when something is really, you might say, bad, you still have a choice.

1:11:18I don't need a womb. So I have all the organs to have it in. That's actually a stroke of luck because I don't need that organ. And so you still can change again, that coming back to that control, if you can control what you think of something. People who are happy don't have charmed lives or they don't have miscarriages and have children who die or go through bereavement or go through being fired or dumped or replaced or have horrible things written about them in the paper. You know that, right? I know that. Or online. You know, I was reading it and it said, That Marissa Peer. And I thought it said, Is a grifter.

1:11:59I thought, Well, that's nice. And then I thought it said, Grafter. And I said, No, it says grifter. I thought, Oh, how lovely. They said, I'm a grafter. He said, No, it says grifter. and I said oh we grifted because I knew what that meant too but I just thought well they don't know me because again you have to come back to the one choice you do have you can't choose people to say mean things yeah you can't choose for things to happen but you can still choose what does this mean can I choose how I feel can I choose how I react can I choose to get through this can I choose what I'm going to do about it?

1:12:35And the answer is always yes. As your book so eloquently said, you always have that final choice. Can I choose what it means? Can I choose how I feel about it? Can I choose to look for something good about it? And the answer is always yes. And, you know, like you said at the beginning, the most interesting part of us is that we can go much further. We can actually be more of the positive change we want to be. if we don't drain ourselves with the negative thoughts that are not necessary and are not changing the world. So, you know, in a very interesting way, while of course, you know, some of us will say, but I need to be informed and I need to be aware and it's hurting me when I see the news and it's doing this and it's doing that.

1:13:19There are ways, believe it or not, where you can reframe some of what you see into the positive. And there are definitely ways where you understand And within you realize that by framing them negatively, by looking at the negative side of them, you're not helping anyone. You know, by screaming and shouting about it negatively, you're not helping anyone. And that as a matter of fact, your role, and perhaps all of us in 2024, is to do the positive things we can do. To just change ourselves and then change, hopefully one person next to us, right? But positively, that's what we can do, sitting back and feeling depressed.

1:14:02Yeah. Because the world is difficult, good for you. It's not making the world better. No, it isn't. But as you say, being that mentor, being that inspirational, someone that goes, wow, look at Mo, how he coped with the death of his child. Look at that person, how they coped with losing everything. And then people think, well, if you can do it, I can do it. Because the thing about humanity, we think, if you can do it, I can. If you can jump that high, I can. If you can lose that amount of weight, I can. If you can create a business without having been to college, I can too. So it's great to give people that, oh, I can do what you do.

1:14:38Marissa, I will tell you, I'm sure you heard it many times before, in your presence, you are 200 times more potent with your positivity, with your beautiful energy. I feel tremendous love when you're speaking. I really honestly do. You're such an amazing spirit. it really is your soul your presence is just very very very immersive and your positivity your way of looking at things I'm here between tearing up and smiling the entire hour and a half I feel amazing and I really think that the way you frame it is what it's all about yeah and that's great news because for everyone you can frame it you always get the chance to frame it you may not get what you want but often you get the thing that you're meant to have and you know life isn't about being a millionaire and having lots of stuff it's about having people that you love and that's available to everybody people say I don't where can I find love well it's all around you you know it's it's a choice to be connected it's a choice to talk to people you know there's always someone somewhere but um and if you choose to go out and love yeah you'll be loved yeah so you know when I moved with my husband they said how do you know but I said well every time I go out I say to people oh I love your dog it's so cute is it from a rescue and I because we live in a little canal I say oh you I love your garden it's so pretty and your little girl is so cute it's a choice you know I choose to connect with everybody in my community I speak to everybody because I start by saying something nice like that's a cute little dog or what's its name may i stroke it and on the whole it is a choice and if you choose not to speak to anyone then you must be choosing to be disconnected correct i do exactly the same in london my husband said how do you do that i said i want her little girl i said i said oh your little baby's got such a beautiful face she's got such a lovely spirit she was so thrilled that i stopped her to tell her cute and so she always talks to me as we walk past each other and i said you know even in london you can smile at someone, say hi to someone, you have to choose because connection is so important to our very soul.

1:16:56You either choose to find it or you choose to keep perpetuating disconnection, but it's a choice. And when you choose to find it, even with the world the way it is, if you can find connection, you'll be happy and your soul will be happy. So if you did nothing else today, but choose to find connection. And it's often where you least expect it. It is often when you least expect it, but it's always out there. It's always, it's available to everybody. You know, that thing, one of the things wrong with it, I'm different, so I can't connect. That's a belief. And a belief is nothing more than a thought you think a lot, and your thoughts are yours to challenge, change, and upgrade all the time.

1:17:36Well, so I have a policy on this podcast, even though I really want to break it today, is that my greatest conversations I keep short. Okay. Because I definitely think our listeners should go back and listen to it all again. Sure. Many times, actually. I will listen to this one again because it's just so inspiring and it's so right. It's correct. It's the truth. It's so easy when you think about it. And interestingly, so rapid, as you always call it. And it is my wish that I invite you again a million times. Oh, I'd love it. And we just chat. Of course. Or now that you're here to hopefully see you and John many times, I think I found a new gem today.

1:18:24A wonderful, wonderful, wonderful soul. I definitely urge everyone to look at the teachings of Marissa. She truly is what she preaches and that I think is very rare to find. I am so grateful that you came today. Thank you so much. And for all of you listening, this is a beginning of a new year where you have one choice. I think Marissa couldn't have been clearer and that choice is to choose what you're going to think. I'll urge you to also choose to rate the podcast very highly and tell others so that we can continue to spread this message. I also urge you to choose to plan a year where you can find some time, like Marissa was describing, in nature, with a cat, with people that you love, with friends, with whoever.

1:19:11Because as things become tough, we normally try to do more of what we know how to do best, which is not always what's best for us. I can guarantee you that when things speed up, what you need most is to slow down. so I urge you to find a little bit of time every day every week of this year to slow down I love you all for listening I wish you an amazing new year and I will see you next time