Sarah Dawn Moore - How To Break Up With Your Bad Relationship Habits

32:38They are hopeless a lot of the times. And I think it's because of just failed expectations on both sides, whether it's from a sexual standpoint with men, whether it's from I'm not getting my needs met as a woman, there is this chasm. And men and women, we have to stop expecting each other to be one another. Can I dive deep into some of the points that you mentioned so far? I mean, you started by saying then the first answer is to heal yourself, is to, you know, you needed to overcome that wrong feeling of abandonment because your dad had no choice. You know, he couldn't stay. Right. But as a child, of course, you see it that way and then it stays with us.

33:26And what other drivers do you think drive the majority of women's attitudes in relationships? So I often hear a father issue as a driver, but what kind of father issues and how would a woman become if her father was violent or restrictive or, you know, or if he cheated on her wife and what other issues would be out there? Okay. So this gets really deep. Yes. That's what I do. So what happens is when a woman loses her father or when she doesn't necessarily have a stable father, when I became, let's say I was 16, 17, 18, right? When you start to have your first dating experiences, when you start to fall for men, you start to fall for men that potentially can be manipulative.

34:24you don't have necessarily the best boundaries so you use what is the quickest way to get a man's attention sexual intimacy of course yeah so as a woman you learn very young okay i can get a man's attention by potentially giving a part of myself away and but you don't realize that that's not that's not the part that you need. Yeah. Or the parts that he needs either, by the way. You know, many men are attracted to very, very other sides of the, you know, very different sides of the woman. I mean, that of course, you know, even not everyone actually, I think more and more studies will tell you that there are quite a few people that are completely asexual, but it is definitely not the only thing that I think a man is looking for.

35:18Yeah. Yeah, certain men, but there are other men who are definitely display kind of these selfish tendencies, right? Because they're after certain things as well. And as a woman, you're not necessarily able to differentiate those traits because they're very charismatic. They come on very strong and they kind of sweep you off your feet. So you establish these early experiences with men that basically tell a story that men cannot be trusted. Because typically, I have brothers and they were amazing, but I left and I went to college and I was far away from home. So you start to establish these early relationships with men and you get your heart broken.

36:09And so a lot of women will have these early experiences in their 20s where they go after or they fall kind of victim to these men that have really hurt them or they've potentially slept with them too soon. What's too soon? I think within the first couple of weeks, or I think within, you know, sometimes on the first or second date, or again, I think that women are, when you don't have proper boundaries, when you just want a man to like you, when you, when you just want him to stay, when you just, when you feel so seen and so excited and the chemistry is electric, it happens. and then potentially a man will, a man doesn't necessarily have to connect that way.

36:59A man doesn't necessarily fall in love with a woman through sex, but women have different chemicals that, that lead us down that path. Yeah. Women produce way more oxytocin, which is the same chemical that we produce, you know, that we release when we're breastfeeding with our, with our children. So we reestablish these bonds and then men will just break our heart. So what is that? We form these kind of subconscious beliefs when we're younger in our 20s and in our teens that men cannot be trusted. That if I give myself to this man or if I were to be vulnerable with this man, men cannot be trusted.

37:37So what happens is women find themselves in groups of people such as the feminist movement. They have these isolated experiences that taint their vision or taint their view of men. And then all of a sudden it becomes this global idea that men are of the patriarchy and that men are bad and that men only want women for sex and men only want one thing. That is not true. That is not true. So healing yourself is going way back to looking at, okay, what type of men? Yeah, like what were my early experiences? And furthermore, Mo, it was about looking within myself. And I think that everyone who has gone through some sort of self-actualization, the biggest contributor to really acceptance is what was my part.

38:44How did I contribute to this? And for me, it was realizing that I was giving away, that those men were not taking something that I wasn't freely giving. And of course, I wasn't an OnlyFans model. I wasn't promiscuous at all. It was just that my vetting system and understanding what was really good for me and a good fit, having that father figure, what that does for a woman is that a woman can go on a date and she can come home and talk to her father, right? Do you have a daughter? I do. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So of course, right? Like you're going to have her best interest at heart. You're not going to want to see her.

39:32You're not going to want to see her get hurt. Like, so when she goes out on a date or when she's, she's going to have an early experience with a man, you most likely are going to talk to her about that. You're going to give her the parameters of, okay, oh, he's coming on like really strong or I don't know if I like that, you know, honey, like that. I don't like any of them. Exactly. so so i accept that life is not what i wanted to be so well you have you know you have a father is going to have the the highest level of standards for her daughter and the father's is that protective mechanism that is going to say no no no i don't like this behavior i don't like what he's doing you need to get rid of you need to get rid of him that's that that buffer that a woman has and when a woman doesn't have that or when she doesn't have a good relationship it also can be a bad relationship with a mother um as well there's all there's all sorts of dynamics that can happen you know you can be raised in a single parent household but it's all about that deep need to feel seen and to feel to feel loved and to feel accepted and and men do this as well that's why they call it like the nice guy syndrome they create this codependent relationship with the opposite sex, whether they'll, they'll just do anything to get that love.

40:51So I, for me, it's the, those I think are the, are the biggest things that women may have these really, they get hurt. They have these terrible experiences and then they just, they don't know how to trust themselves. Absolutely. I mean, in mathematics, this is basically selection bias. It was actually brought to my attention, interestingly, by a very dear friend. And she was talking about the fact that if your first boyfriend was an asshole, and then the second was a horrible person, and then the third broke your heart, then you suddenly have 100 % probability next one is going to be an asshole again.

41:33And you sort of of like start to create an image of all of masculinity based on the three men that you dated or the 10 men that you dated. I think the challenge is when you start to create that attitude of, oh, he's going to hurt me, you sort of go out there and get the one that is going to hurt you. And so you're affirming your bias basically. And she was talking about every woman deserves to have one good man early in her life to tell her that it's possible, okay? To tell her that this actually is available. And if this man is available, then perhaps actually my selection bias was why I was ending up with the wrong ones.

42:20Jordan Peterson was sharing a staggering statistic saying that because of the way the dating world has emerged, now 20 % of the men are getting all of the women. the ones that know how to, like you rightly said, come on too strong or, you know, sort of manipulate her a little bit. And one of the things that, you know, of course I'm quite academic in the way I do most things, I'm very analytical. And it's actually quite interesting. There is a very simple process to get a woman to come to bed with you. It's not that complicated at all, right? And you don't have to be smart. You don't have to be honest.

42:59You don't have to be noble. You don't have to be successful. You don't have to be anything. You just have to say the right things at the right time. You have to insert the joke at the right time and so on. And then you'll have the image to a woman that you are what she's looking for. And as a result, you'll end up in her bed. And, you know, it's quite interesting that that selection bias, because that kind of man is likely going to leave and try again with another woman and another woman because that was his objective in the first place. and that destroys your image of men when in reality the good ones are not even getting a chance they're friend-zoned and they're you know and they're basically not included in the in the survey if you want yeah and I what I would tell women and myself I mean when I had that intense amount of chemistry right if I would if I'm showing up on a date and I feel that there is something kind of mysterious about this guy, or there's something going on here, I take a step back and I say, okay, what's going on here?

44:05What am I really attracted? What's this chemistry telling me? Because a lot of times guys will not stick around. They don't have patience to do that with somebody who wants a deep relationship. So they'll go away and you just have to give it some time, right? As a woman, you have to get like, let the process unfold because a lot of those men will just float away and go to a different source of sexual validation. But I really think you really have to break up with your patterns. You have to break up with chemistry. You have to break up with what you think is attractive because your attraction is broken.

44:48Your attraction is broken. And if you keep right, like if you keep going back, like you said, to the same type of thing, you're going to get the same results. So as a woman, it's not just all men are jerks. All men are this way. All men are that. It's what am I accepting? What am I allowing? What am I what am I attracted to? Because a lot of women say like, oh, he's so nice or oh, he's I just don't have the feeling with him or I don't have the chemistry. or there's just something kind of missing. And granted, you're not going to be attracted to everyone. You're not going to have chemistry with everyone.

45:28And of course, you need to have some. You need to have some to work with. But the electric chemistry is really just an attachment. It's like Pavlov's dogs, right? So if you are getting, I'm sure you're familiar with that experiment, right? Where they were getting this intermittent thing. That becomes much more addictive than if you're just getting a slow, steady drip of emotional availability. Somebody who's texting you every day. Somebody who's offering to pick you up on dates. And it's like, there's no games. There's no mystery. There's no... So breaking up with that chemistry of, when is he going to text me again?

46:13When is he going to... Wait, where is he? I wonder if he's seeing other people. I wonder what's happening. I'm going to be the one to change his mind. I'm going to be the one to go after him. And I'm going to be more special than all the other girls that he's with. Where does that come from, Sarah? This is the ultimate defect, I have to say. I mean, as I talk to my lady friends, lady friends, like friends who are women, this is the ultimate defect. It's like they think, I mean, they tell me about the person they're dating and I'm like, he's a jerk. And they go like, yes, until he touches me. And then when he touches me, he's suddenly going to see the light and turn into Buddha.

46:54And I'm like, not likely, honestly. Right. But where does that conviction come from? I mean, why does a woman like a challenge? Why doesn't she find someone who is a good person and fix the few things about them that actually are fixable? Well, think about one of the best Disney movies of all time. Yes. Beauty and the Beast. Yeah, Fix the Beast. She tamed the beast. She, because what it says about us, think about it as a woman, if you have, it's evolutionary, Mo. It goes way back to if I can get the highest of male that all these women are going after, that all these, it's a social proof that so many of the Jordan Petersons and, you know, the David Busses of the world, they talk about it's, if I can get this type of man, then that means like that.

47:56but I am something. I am something. I am. Yeah. But, but then when you start to look at the studies, you start to look at, you know, I, I'm reading a book called the evolution of desire right now by, um, by Dr. David Buss. He is evolutionary psychology professor out of UT Austin, very talented guy. And basically what he looks at is human behavior when it, from an evolutionary standpoint, in those types of men have a propensity of 40 % higher propensity to cheat than the man who doesn't have all the attention. So I think as women, again, as you get older, as your hormones settle down, as things start to change for you, you want different things.

48:44As a woman, you have to take that risk. You can go after the top man. You can have that, but realize that that could potentially come with great cost to you. And I think that it goes also back to the bedroom, if I'm being really honest with you. Women want to have a little bit of that dominance in the bedroom, and they don't necessarily see that a good guy can also provide that type of bad boy feel in the bedroom, that he can be dominant. they only think that that can come from the top dog or the top guy because there's that bad boy to him. He can be a little bit more aggressive. But I tell women this all the time.

49:28No, no, good men can have that too. You just have to tell them what it is that you want. But again, women have a hard time expressing. Expressing that they want this. I don't know if I told you, I've been working on a book called Finding Love. So I finished version six, which was 180 pages, and then I scrapped it. So I wrote that book six times, and I'm now writing the seventh one. But for the seventh one, I decided to break it into two short books. One is sort of a dating guide for straight women, and one which I hope will be a very, very good book, effective to change the world, which is what I call good boys win, which basically sort of tells the good boys around the things that they are not doing right.

50:19And in a very interesting way, the reason why, you know, every man, every real man has that dominance in him, not in a violent way, it doesn't have to be sadistic in any way, but a man wants to take his woman and a woman wants to be taken. And the only thing is that good boys are always mixed up with being nice boys. And so they sort of worry that if they show up fully in that aggressive way, they may be misunderstood or they may, you know, have crossed a line or whatever. But the reality is that, of course, if there is chemistry and you're enjoying your man, by definition, if he's not worried about being seen in a certain way, he will want to dominate you, he will want to take you, he will want to be in charge.

51:05And I think that also, by the way, is in not just in bed, I think in reality, in, you know, a good man wants to be in charge, but a good man thinks too much. So a good man will go like, should I tell her what to do? Or should I shut up for now? Or, you know, should I sit and listen? And I don't want to say a bad boy, but a more experienced man, because of having had many women, will know for a fact that there are certain ways that you do certain things. And when you do them, a woman will like them, even though cognitively as a man. Yeah. So this isn't just on the woman, right? Men also have to.

51:45Yeah. I mean, I recommend this to my clients, this book all the time to my clients. It's called No More Mr. Nice Guy. Yes, I hosted them. Robert, Dr. Glover? Yeah, Dr. Glover. And throughout the podcast, I called him Sensei. Yeah. Because I have to admit, this is the ultimate good man book. Absolutely. You know, stop being nice, be a good person. There is a difference between nice and good. And be a man. Yeah, absolutely. But I actually gave that book to my brothers because my, obviously, you know, growing up with a single mom, they felt an ordinate need to take care of her, to be the rock for her.

52:31So they really have to look at their relationship with a woman. They're so afraid of being the father that left. They're so afraid to hurt women. They're so afraid. So they're constantly trying to appease. I don't want to rock the boat. I just want to make women happy. I just want to. So that causes a lack in really polarity. We're not attracted to that because it is a very, being nurturing, right? And predicting other people's needs, being receptive. It's very feminine, right? And so when guys display those certain types of characteristics, when they, you know, or when they come on too strong from a, from a needy, from a desperate, from a validation perspective, like, please just notice me.

53:18we pick up on that energy very quickly. And it's, it basically just kind of kills our, it just kind of kills our sex drive. So a man really has to do his part as far as healing some of those wounds that he has with, with the feminine and be, you know, integrating more into his masculine. But then of course the woman has, you know, it has to be responsible for, for healing that, but you know what, what it also comes back to, And I'll tell you, for me, receiving intermittent love, right? As a child, I don't know how, what your background was in your family system or if you're you. So a lot of us are very used to love being kind of here or there.

54:05I have to do this in order to get it. Or it's kind of, you know, especially with a single parent, it's not their fault that they can't be there for you all the time. right? Like they're, they're, they're working, they're, they're doing these certain things. So, so my brother, son, I talk about this all the time that love for us, my mom would have to work and she would come back and pick us up, you know, sometimes hours to, you know, there are teachers would wait with us, you know, soccer practice. So again, you get conditioned to believe that love is like, sometimes it can be very chaotic and you don't know when it's going to happen next.

54:41and you don't know when you're going to get the love that you needed as a child. So what do we do? Of course, we take that into our adult relationships and we're used to that feeling. So this goes back to women being attracted to a very chaotic love where it's very intermittent. We think that that's normal. So secure people, secure people who have both parents who have had that traditional type of upbringing, love is very consistent for them. Love is very stable. Love is very just, it has its peaks and valleys, but it's more of the experiences that you have, the novelty seeking. When you go take a trip, that can be very exciting as a couple, right?

55:30But it's very stable. So again, this all goes back to childhood. This all goes back to your childhood and what you're conditioned to think that love is so you have to break up with that you have to assess okay this person is giving me intermittent communication that's what i think love is that's what i think that being in a relationship is but but it really is a wrong signal again yeah yeah it's the wrong conditioning it's it's the wrong template that we have so you have to again assess what your template is, assess that if a guy is being consistent, if he is showing up for you consistently and you're not attracted to that, then you're not attracted to stability.

56:15You're not attracted to somebody who is going to provide stability for you. So you're always going to create a little bit of a drama. You know, women are, you're always going to kind of pick a fight to kind of push that person away and then pull that person in because that's how you, that's what love is for you. If there isn't that, then a lot of women go, oh, well, does he really care about me? Is he really going to be there for me? So I'm going to push him a little bit. And then when we repair that, when we come back together, okay, he does really love me. I'm safe. I'm okay. And that's like a vicious cycle that you'll, I don't know if you have that with, you know, this is definitely, definitely one of the things you see how you said it you said it so clearly because when i talk about it to my friends they they don't understand but i i find that very frequent actually among my women in my life women i dated and so on that she likes you so she starts to go like will he stay and then you know you should go and ask him hey baby will you stay and he will say yes i love you very much.

57:24I will stay. And then she will say, and if I hit you on your face, will you stay? And then he'll say, don't, but if you do, I will stay. So, you know, she goes like, okay, let me hit him. And so she hits him and then he stays. And then, you know, you go like, okay, it seems he's going to stay, but maybe I should hit him and kick him at the same time. and just constant testing of where is his limit just so that I feel safe, that if I cut his limbs off and, you know, poked his eyes and spit in his face, he'd still stay. But by doing that, he's leaving. And, you know, it's quite interesting that that constant testing is just getting men to go like, that's really too much.

58:08I said I will stay, but don't overdo it. That's an amazing analogy, Amazing analogy, amazing story. And this is when it comes back to understanding the gender dynamics and the gender differences. Because men, they don't want that. They want peace. They want stability. They don't necessarily, they're okay with having a lot, most men, I would say the 80 % of them, maybe not the 20 % that we're all going after, but most men just want peace because you can't be as effective in your life. the businesses that you have done and all the things that you've accomplished. If there is so much turmoil at home, that's not going to work for men.

58:52So women will push, push, push, push, push. And then men will say, finally, okay, you know what? I'm out. I can't handle this anymore. I can't do this. And then women will be devastated. Like, well, what happened? You obviously don't love me enough. You obviously - Exactly. She would end up saying, you see, you left. Yeah. I did. What can I do? It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. And so I think that, again, women and men, we really have to communicate. That's the basis of everything. 100%. Yeah. It all comes back to communication. and a woman, if she was really honest with that test, she would be able to communicate that and say, you know what, I'm feeling insecure about something and I need you to just give me a little bit, I need you to make me feel secure again.

59:51Or when you looked at that other woman, it makes me feel a certain way. I need you to reinforce that you truly love me, but women will hold that. We will hold that. Do you actually speak that way, Sarah? I do. Oh my God, you are it. We should clone you. Honestly, that's it. Honestly, I mean, most men, when they're in love, they want nothing but to make her happy. They just want to make her happy. It just is very difficult to understand what would make her happy, right? And I don't remember, do you remember that movie? it was probably, you were four probably when it came out, but where Jennifer Aniston, I think, I don't remember who actually, but anyway, she basically says, I don't want you to wash the dishes.

1:00:42I want you to want to wash the dishes. Yeah, that was Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston. I think it was the breakup. Yeah. The breakup, yes. And I remember with my ex-wife at the time, we had a very long conversation about this because, you know, why don't you just tell me? I want to do whatever it is that you want, you know, whether it's dishes or garbage or, you know, making more money. So we change the car. Just tell me. And if you tell me, it will work. Right. I mean, I have I have to admit, though, Sarah, I'll say that very openly, but that's not the average good man. You know, with years and experience, I don't need that anymore.

1:01:21Right. I sort of fully understand and almost entirely adore all of those little unpredictabilities of how a woman is and how she's insecure sometimes and how she needs that reassurance and how she needs that hug, even though she's saying, go away. And I really, really think it's wonderful because there is a role for the man to play, to be honest. right and and when the man gets it the woman doesn't have to be so analytical about it if you want but most good men don't simply because they don't have the experience and simply because they're not reading the sort of textbook manuals that say how can you sleep with 365 women in a year right and so you know in a very interesting way if the woman is able to just say hey by the way, this is how I feel.

1:02:14It might actually make the woman first consider what it is that she feels, and then it would become a lot easier for the man. But as a woman being conditioned, you have to think about how as children, you know, we are conditioned from a very young age to believe that if we do say our needs, that we are needy, we are clingy, we are over demanding. understanding i i can't tell you how many women i have to coach to just be able to be in tune with their own needs because if they if they were to express them it they think in the back of their mind that you know it's too much right so women as i was raised very old school my grandmother actually um was uh in london uh covent garden she was in kensington i can't remember where we were Sloan Square was my stop.

1:03:11But I would go and I would stay with my grandmother as a child. And she would raise, she raised me almost because my mother needed the help and would send me off there for summers. So I had a wonderful life living half, you know, my summers when I was in high school in London. But she was, couldn't be more old school than you could, you could never even imagine. I couldn't wear pants. You know, she would take me to these shows. It was beautiful. but it was it was a woman is to be quiet a woman is to be peaceful a woman is to not be contentious a woman is to be you know what i'm saying so it it was like there is truth to that sir no i mean it's exaggerated but uh yeah i mean why not so we we've come we've come a long way we've we've come We've come a long way as women, but I think that as a whole, we're going through our own little cultural revolution.

1:04:10We're going through our own, you know, because we're trying to understand, okay, how do we be more feminine? How can we remain feminine? How can we stay in this space where we're able to be able to receive from a man? But also, how can we state our needs without scaring him away or without being too aggressive or saying things that will? So it's just practice. And I say to this woman all the time, you want to scare away men as fast as possible. You want to state your needs. And if they go away, rejection is God's protection. So state your needs. if they're not texting you enough, if they are, if they're, if you're in a marriage and he is loading the dishwasher wrong, you know, I tell, I had a story, I went out with a client, you know, a couple of days ago and he, he gave a great example of what his wife said to him that really changed it for, for the, for the dishwasher.

1:05:16I'll give that example. So of course, right. He, the house is cluttered. He has a different standard of what the house looks like or what it should look like than she, that's it. Right. Like that, there's a basic, this is a huge fight between men and women. What are your standards versus my standards? So what really did it for him was it wasn't, it was the tone, right. Of how she was asking. I, you know, it was, it was accusatory. Like, why are you so lazy? Why are you this? Why are you that? versus what he said was she shifted and she said, you know what? It's not how the house looks. It's not your fault.

1:05:58It's that I feel at peace when I walk into a clean house. It helps me feel calm. It helps me feel feminine. It helps me feel that I can be present with you and not have to think about all the stuff that's happening with the playroom and the house. And he said, once I understood that it was like, I could make her feel something. Guys, they want to make you feel something. They don't care about the inanimate objects that are strewn across the house. They don't see it as that. So he said, once I understood how it made her feel and how it affected her so deeply, that's when the change happens. So it's, it's about your tone.

1:06:45It's about talking to a man and not again, that, that accusatory tone of saying, you know, you always do this. You always do that. It's like, talk about how he can serve you, right? Like how he can be of service to you in that relationship by putting the dishes, putting the bowls on the top so that, you know, it's organized. It makes me feel like it's efficient. I don't have to clean the dishes again. And it would make me just feel better. If you could just do that, it would make me happy. Like so that I don't have to repeat the dishwasher over again. You know, like it's, it's so, it's so simple, but I think if we viewed our conversations like that, and if we were to like really communicate in a full circle about how something affects us, then a man would feel so much more compelled to want to be of service.

1:07:40I cannot agree more. Can I ask you, I mean, so the overall overarching theme in everything that you teach is don't be judgmental, okay? Don't assume that they are out there to get you. Don't assume that all men are not to be trusted. Don't assume that your man is not to be trusted and communicate, right? So in your point of view, what would be the top things that are misunderstood between couples? Like, you know, what are the most frequent aha moments that you get when you tell a couple, oh, it's just because he's like that or it's just because she's like that? Oh, gosh. So there's a meme right now on social media.

1:08:26And the guy is working really, really hard at his desk. And he's, you know, he's typing away. He's doing all the things. And she texts him on the phone and says, do you love me? Do you really care? Because you're always working. And then there's a pop-up box that comes up to his and his thoughts. And he says, I'm working so hard to provide for my family. And that's the only thing that I care about. and so yeah that's a big I remember that vividly vividly when I saw Ali my son for the first time so I went into the operating room like every good man should and you know I held her hand and then I saw this little crumbly pruney ugly little thing I mean I don't know how women think that I mean seriously kids are like what is this but anyway women love them and I remember vividly because I pay attention at change of heart, okay?

1:09:34Because I'm generally, I wasn't into kids at all. They were, you know, never a topic that concerned me in my young years. And I see that little thing. And I remember in my mind saying that thing is never gonna need anything, okay? And that's my role. And I remember exactly how I overdid it afterwards and worked too hard and so on. You know, that shift in my life was because because I think fatherhood was entirely around, I'm gonna provide and protect, right? Perhaps masculine because it has a lot of doing and a lot of protection. And you know, this is what the masculine traditionally would bring to the household if you want.

1:10:14But then of course, for my ex, my wife, then, it was all about nurturing and loving. These are two very, very different needs. And when you really think about it, when men are working so hard because they are in love, not working so hard because of their ego. Right. That's their way of expressing love, I think. And when a woman is so concerned about the safety of the house and the cleanliness of the house, and, you know, that's their way of showing love, providing a home and a nurturing place. It's very different for both of them, but it's the way of showing care and love. Yeah. So to answer your question, I would say that those are some of the biggest things that that I, that I coach couples on that.

1:10:57I coach people on is just your, our perceptions of how we see the world are completely different and that men are a lot of times men are just misunderstood that they're holding things in all the time because they, they're trying to provide this structure and this masculinity and they're, they're, they're keeping it in because of the way that they were conditioned to be in the world. And the way that they are conditioned is just, you know, ultimate stoicism, like I'm okay. Everything's we're fine. Everything's okay. So as a, you know, really coaching women to, to provide a safe space for them to be heard is like, you will have a man loyal to you for the rest of your life.

1:11:52If you're able to provide a safe space for him where he can really, really express himself in a nonjudgmental way. Um, I think that we have to, we quit, we have to question everything. I actually am coming up with, um, with like a cheat sheet of some of the things that, that women and men disagree about the most. But I think the biggest thing is that, like you said, the motivations behind our behavior are 100 % completely different. And men really, truly want that respect. They want that respect. And women constantly are searching for love. We are security-seeking creatures. and sometimes we push men's buttons we disrespect them and then that causes them to lose love for us so it's this it's this constant the seesaw it's a seesaw yeah i haven't been to a playground in a little bit but it's a constant seesaw of are the things that i'm doing you know emasculating him Are the things that I am saying causing him to feel like less of a man?

1:13:08Are the things that I'm doing, you know, really causing him to lose love for me? Because if I don't respect him, then I'm not going to get my needs met. Yeah. So everyone has to take responsibility for their side, you know? But as a woman, I really think for me, I have to think twice before I say something, right? I have to think twice as is my tone going to make him feel less of a man. And if we just kind of approach, if we just kind of approach things that way, if we just kind of take a step back and realize that, that we need completely two different things, I think we're going to be okay. We're going to be okay.

1:13:54But being just understanding that it's okay to be different and not try to change the other person, not try to change, not try to change you. I'm, I'm the woman, you're the man and we're okay to have our, our specific gender roles. And furthermore, it's okay to not get everything that we need from our man or from our woman. Like it's okay. We don't, we need to have other sources in our life to get our needs met. And then you have so much peace when you let that go. You have so much peace within your relationship. Amen. I agree. Yes, you get what you want from a partner, from your man. You get the rest of what you want, your wants and needs from everyone else.

1:14:44Of course, if you pick properly, then this kind of approach truly will be okay. I agree. Yeah. Yeah. And I've had women ask me, well, how do I show respect to a man? And maybe you can shed some light on that because there's a lot of women that wonder, you know, like, well, how does that, what does that look like to show respect to a man so that he feels powerful? I think about that quite a lot. As you rightly said, a woman wants to be loved. And the reason why a woman wants to be loved is because she wants to be seen and safe, right? For a man, we want to be appreciated. If I behave like a good man, I want you to smile at me and say, oh my God, that was amazing.

1:15:31Right? If I make love to you and it was incredible, I'd like you to hug me and say, oh my God, that was amazing. If I stop on my way, and buy you flowers, I'd expect you to say, hey, that's really, really sweet, you didn't have to, okay? By the way, if I work my ass off to provide for the household or to make life a little easier, which a lot of men do at every income profile, it's nice to say, hey, that was really, I understand. I understand what you're doing. All a man wants, you know, just like a woman would text and say, do you love me? She wants to be reassured about her love. I think a man simply wants to be reassured that he's a man, that what you did makes you my man.

1:16:20I like that when you do it. Yeah. And it can start early in the dating process as well by saying thank you for a lovely time. Thank you for an amazing date. You know, I look forward to seeing you again. Because I think sometimes women are afraid to express their interest or, oh, like, I don't, again, I don't, we've been told to be chased or, you know, a guy's going to chase after us. But really, he will pursue, he will chase if he's interested. A good man will. A good man will, but also to be reciprocated, to have that communication reciprocated and early in the stages of dating. It's so funny.

1:17:04I have a lot of men in my comments or they'll say to me, my, my wife hit on me and I married her a year later. You know, it's so rare. I think that, that, you know, as, as men there, when, when they get hit on or when a woman is forward or when a woman says, yes, like you are everything I want. It's, it's very shocking for, for some men. And I say, women, it's, it doesn't matter. We are, we are living in a world of equality. This is, it's okay. Why? Look, I'll tell you openly, good men never approach a woman. I have never approached a woman in my life. It is as simple as that. We think it's disrespectful.

1:17:45We think it's interrupts her quiet time. We don't know if she's married and this is rude. We don't know. I mean, most good men that I know are not that good at going to a woman and saying, hey, I just noticed that you're attractive and I just wanted you to know that. Actually, it's very simple. it's written in all dating books. If you're a man listening, if you go to a woman and tell her that the only thing that you will get is a thank you. And there is nothing rude about it. But good men don't do it. So believe it or not, I always tell my, you know, my friends, women friends, I say, if you like someone, instead of smiling at him in the cafe, because he's never going to get up and say hi, okay, just walk to him and say, can I use the power plug next to you to charge my phone or whatever you know if you're standing in the coffee queue don't don't tell him hey you're cute i want to date you but say oh my god so many choices of coffee i don't know what to get today simple really just remove the barrier remove the barrier so that he can start to talk basically because he wouldn't do it otherwise yeah yes like a thousand times yes and i think you are you just said if there was one thing that you can take away from this podcast, that is it is, is just remove the barrier.

1:19:06You are not disqualifying yourself as a woman or them as a man. If you just make it a little bit easier for them to approach, just let him, and then he'll take it from there. If you remove the barrier, they will take it from there and they'll appreciate it for the rest of their life. They will. Yeah. And then there's another, there's a funny, another meme that I talk about all the time. Men want to be appreciated. And a man will say to me, I had an orange shirt that I wore for 10 years because I got a compliment from a woman at the grocery store. And I thought, oh my gosh, this is, this is mind blowing because women, women will get compliments walking down the street.

1:19:49I mean, we will get eyes on us. That's a compliment enough. We good looking, attractive women will, there's an abundance of compliments. So, so look, I mean, it all goes back to understanding these, these misunderstandings, these nuances. And for me at this age, that's what changed my relationship fundamentally with men is just being forward and being empathetic is, is having that empathy towards men. And if that is the message for me, that that's the message that I'm going to rest my platform on is like, let's just be a little bit more empathetic towards each other. And I think we'll be okay.

1:20:30We'll start to heal some of this chasm. I am more of a fan now than I have been. When we started, I think the man that will get you is a very lucky man, Sarah. I really, really honestly do. And I think in a very interesting way, we should donate yourselves to science to clone you a little bit. I really tend to believe that what you said is the core. Feel what you feel fully. Understand that the other person is different. Don't judge them and communicate lovingly. And 90 % of all the problems will go away. I am really grateful. Thank you so much for your time. I swear I never ever sit in front of my Zoom 30 minutes before the conversation just to prepare and make sure that everything's ready.

1:21:15I'm totally fanboying. I really was very excited about this conversation. Everyone listening, I really ask you to follow Sarah's work. I find it quite enriching. She's very good. I mean, we're chatting today, but she's very, very good at creating very short messages that are really to the point. I think you would enjoy that. I'll have all of her contacts in the show notes. So please look at them. If you need coaching for your relationship, can't recommend someone more. And yeah, Sarah, thank you so much for being with me today. Thank you. All of you, thank you so much for listening because when you do listen, I can reach out to a wonderful teacher like Sarah and get to spend an hour and a half with her just because of you.

1:22:06So keep listening. keep telling others about what you learn here and spread the message do the stuff that you guys do on social media and rate the podcast highly we're now in the top five frequently in europe which is great news very frequently in the top 10 in the u.s in happiness and well-being health and well-being so thank you so much all of you for the support that you've been giving me and yeah find a little bit of time this week to slow down and reflect on your love and relationships. I love you all for listening, and I will see you next time.