2025's Worst Person | Reading Reddit Stories

25:36That's the first time I've ever read that. I think they got a boring drive. Eh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Boom. Got him. Love that. Gotta get a personality drive. Oh. Boom. Boom. Hey. Hey. Hey. Boom. There it goes. Oh. Oh. Whoa. Whoa. Watch out. Whoa. I went like this. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. I think you started playing baseball there. I'm going to be honest. Hey. Hey. Boom.

26:07Now we can't cut it. And now our halftime performance. Someone please adopt her. She's up for adoption. This dystopian world we've created. Singing the national anthem is a girl up for adoption. Her name is Gertrude. Jesus Christ. The Hunger Games. Comments, just point to a few of the images on the shirt and say, I've tried this position, this one, this one too, and yeah, I want to try this one now. You'll never see the shirt again. Someone said not overreacting. Sure, it's funny in a college frat kind of way, embarrassing for a father figure with young children. Lastly, someone said, I actually have this shirt.

26:52I only wear it very sparingly, in very select company, and very aware at how cringy and ridiculous it is. I couldn't imagine wearing it around relatives, co-workers, or strangers, unless the intent was to make them uncomfortable. And that would make me an asshole. Who's that? Can we reach out to them? Yeah, let's reach out to them. That was a great commenter, because that was brave, to be like, I do own this shirt, but here is a responsible person. Yes. Right. Because I don't think it's, like, shitty that that shirt exists. Agreed. Yeah. And I don't think you can be like, you're canceled because you wear the shirt.

27:26Exactly. But it's also just like, you know, that's what the shirt is. It's the context, right? Like, yeah, if you're hanging out with a bunch of friends, you're going to a stupid party where the vibe fits that. It's like, oh, I'm going to wear this ridiculous shirt. Or to a fiesta. Fine. Yeah, or a fiesta themed party. An office little fiesta.

27:46Update. Oh, my God. Two months later. Someone burned the shirt. I was going to say she took a shit on the shirt. They took care of the shirt? She took a shit on the shirt. He's like, I can't wait to wear it. I have a golfer with a high sex... Poop! Oh, no! I've got a poop here and someone goes, I think there's a bird on the way. And her hand puts right in the hood. Right on the shit. Singing the national anthem. Pick me this one. That's one of my favorite of that bit was he was starting going, I'm a golfer with a high sex star. Oh! Oh, no! It's me. I'm golfer with a high. It's extra. Oh, poop.

28:30There's a bird. Oh, there's poop. Holy shit. Okay, so let's see if that happens. Yeah. That's my prediction. Yeah. Small update, but my plan worked. Take your shit out of me. Should we put a little birdie? I would die. All right, birdie. Birdie. So today my mom and dad went golfing, and he wore the shirt. They left before I was awake, so I had to wait till they got home and I did exactly what I said I was going to do. I'm sitting on the deck and my dad was walking into the camper, so I got up to talk to him. OP says, hey, I've done those before. Done what? Dad replies. I poke at various spots on his shirt.

29:15Dad says, you did not just say that to me. I can't believe you would do that. Get the fuck out of my camper. What's wrong with you? Did you hear what she just said to me? This is his sense of humor, so I wasn't hurt, just happy that it worked, LOL. Oh, so he was saying like, you did not just say that to me. I can't believe you would do that. Get the fuck out of it. So he was saying it like humorously. Cool. All right. He then went into the camper and immediately took the shirt off, followed by, there are some truths that I don't need to hear. Later, we're sitting by the fire and he starts telling the story to our friends and starts off with, you want to know what ruined my day today?

29:49So I think it was a success and I don't think he'll be wearing that shirt anytime soon. That's awesome. Should have pooped. I mean, I think it still worked. I think that worked as well, but yeah. No, that definitely worked, but come on. I like in your version, he gets the shirt on entirely. He's getting it off the hanger in your version with a piece of poop on it. Well, he only sees, he's in a rush, okay? Because golfers have to get there. And he has a high sex drive. He has a super high sex drive, so he doesn't flip the shirt around, so he only grabs it from behind. and then he puts it on and he goes, oh, he didn't recognize the poop.

30:27I know this guy. Yeah. You know? We all know this guy. I know this guy. I know him. Our next story. Oh, wow. This comes from summer, June of 2025. This comes from the subreddit Wedding Shame. Title reads, wedding date changed last minute to a weekday in another state. Ooh. Oof. Oof. We have 10 photos that I'm going to read through. These are all email exchanges. Oh, I love that. From the people having the wedding. Subject line, bold, all caps, important, three exclamation marks, date change. Hi, everyone. We want to make you aware of a critically important update. The ceremony date is now June 27th, and the location has changed.

31:20Please note this down carefully. We have decided we want to have a church ceremony in addition to our planned beach ceremony and reception. The officiant of our choice does not do weddings at locations outside of his church. Having a church ceremony is very important to us morally and ethically. We are canceling the beach ceremony to spare redundancies. There will still be a reception on the beach. The ceremony will now be Friday, June 27th at 2 p.m. at blank Oregon. The reception will be the following day at blank in Port Angeles, Washington.

31:56They have to cross speed lines. If you cannot make the 27th, we understand, but please be aware that will be the only opportunity to participate in professional photos. Oh. It continues on. Bridesmaids, we kindly ask you wear this yellow dress for the 27th. Still reserve the gray dress you already purchased to wear on the 28th. After viewing the interior of the church, gray just would not work. Thanks. They misspelled groomsmen. They said grusmen. Nailed it. They're in a rush. They poop on their shirt. Yellow ties will be provided for you on the day of the ceremony. If you have any concerns, go ahead and reach out to our super girly wedding planner.

32:40Thanks. Three Ks, four Ss, and that thanks. Can't wait to celebrate with you. Heart. So there's a message responding to that from a bridesmaid coming from halfway across the country, also a relative of the groom. Am I understanding the above message correctly to mean your wedding ceremony is now on a weekday during the day? If so, I have to admit I am pretty surprised and disappointed. My family booked tickets months in advance to travel to Washington, and the church appears to be several hours away, necessitating another hotel stay. Between that and the unexpected day off work, we can't afford this extra day.

33:19I was not participating for the party aspect so much as the special memory of seeing you and blank get married and be a part of that milestone. If I am misunderstanding something or if there is another ceremony that will be happening on the 28th, I apologize for the confusion, but please let me know ASAP. Oh, boy. Someone else responded being like, let's. These are reply alls. That's when you know something's fucked. Oh. The bride responds to that saying, let's be respectful and take this offline, please. Ladies, friendly reminder, contact blank directly with any concerns so as to not spam everyone's inbox.

33:55K, thanks. Whoa. K, thanks. K, thanks. K, thanks in this time is crazy. It's crazy. K-T-H-X. K-thanks. All. K-thanks is, has always been kind of crazy. As one thing. Pretty rough. K is just not a cool thing to say. K-thanks on email is insane. Yeah. Another email from the bride. Another big one. Reply all. All in bold. Subject line, bold. Quick updates and reminders. Hi, everyone. Oh, no. A lot of eyes in these eyes. We are so excited to have you as members of our wedding party. Thank you to those of you who actually care and stuck with us. This is good. This is fucking awesome. A few quick notes, to-dos, and FYIs.

34:46General, we will no longer be using a wedding planner. The girly? She. The girly. The girly. What was her name? Wedding girly? Yeah, wedding girly planner something. thing. Blank and I are just too quirky to fit into a box. Fuck this person. I'm dying! I'm dying! Our wedding, you have to cross state lines to go to the reception, and I'm too quirky to fit in a box. And just speak to the girly. The girly's like, I'm out. I can't fit into a box. Adopt me!

35:20Adopt me! Blank and I are just too quirky to fit into a box. We're doing things our own way. Please do not contact Megan with any more questions. She is no longer involved with the planning of the wedding. Please come early on. So this is an asterisk. These are notes. Please come early on the 28th because we have been unable to secure enough chairs. We won't really need them. We'll be dancing all night. It's just so quirky to fit into a box. It's crazy. If you're in the wedding party, you are not expected to send a gift. Your presence at our special day is gift enough. Heart, heart. As previously stated, we are unable to accommodate any dietary needs or requests.

36:01They're quirky. Please bring your own food if you require that. What? You want lunchboxes at your wedding? After careful consideration, we have decided that with the exception of our boys, this wedding will be child-free. That does also include the reception. Please plan accordingly. Please get a babysitter in Oregon and also washing. We'll have special goodie bags for all members of the wedding party available for pickup at the venue. Bunch of smiley faces. Spoiler alert, it includes a plant, so if you're traveling internationally, please plan accordingly. Please back a bag with the plant. Please plan accordingly.

36:43What is happening? This girl's drunk. Oh, my God. She's quirky. Bridesmaids, if you are over 5 '5", please get these flats instead of the initially requested. heels. Because you can't be taller than me? What? Because it can't fit in the church. Very tight church. You can't fit it into a box? You can't because they're quirky. Because the on-ramp from Morgan to Washington is too short with the fridge. And you need flats, girlies. Makeup will be$300 per person per day. This is fucking awesome. Per day? This is so funny. You don't need makeup for the party. You don't need special. You don't have to get it if you don't want to on the 28th, but we kindly insist all bridesmaids get it on the 27th if they want to be in any photos.

37:29If they want to be pretty. So now can we get all the girls in makeup for the picture and the girls in makeup for the picture? Hey, ugly girls, stay in the back. Hey, ugly girls with the flats. You're in the back. Can we get the tall fox over here and then the fox who don't want to put on cover up over here and we're going to take a picture in the yellow. Corky girls. For reception day, we'll be getting ready starting at 6.45 a.m. at our Airbnb. For ceremony day, we'll be getting ready at the venue time TBD. If you are not there on the 28th by 7 a.m., you will not be let in to ensure things run on a timely schedule.

38:07Nobody wants a repeat of the batch. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Katie, you were late, so you're an ugly girl and you're in the back. Hey, Katie, remember when you walked in and I was getting a lap dance from a guy that looked really fucking hot and you ruined it because you were ugly and tall? Stop! Yeah. You're out, bitch. If she ends this and says, okay, thanks, I'm going to walk out. I'm going to stay. I love the little just like what happened at the batch. Yeah. There's so much context. Groomsmen. Per tradition, the groom cannot see the bride prior to the ceremony, so unfortunately there is nowhere for you all to get ready on the 28th.

38:49That's so possessing. Why do those things have nothing to do? Since you basically just need ties, this is no biggie. Some people were going to get together at blank pub beforehand. Feel free to coordinate amongst yourselves. Someone responds. Actually, this is the bride. The bride sends another message. Oh, please tell me it's in all caps. There's no subject line that I see on this one. I just know it's the bride because the high has four I's in it. That could be anybody. A few quick updates and gentle reminders. I'm obsessed with this story. I know. After careful consideration, we have decided there will be no speeches.

39:31Oh, I love it. I love it. Especially from people not in makeup. Yeah. Only confirmed Catholic bridesmaids and groomsmen are permitted to stand with us during the ceremony. Not our rules, the church's. Saw we. Caitlin, you uncatholic whore! Stand in the back, ugly girl! You weren't confirmed! Now let me get my fucking dance on! I can't get over the thing she wrote, SOWY, S-O-W-W-Y. Okay, they continue. Some of you have not paid the$25 per plate per person deposit for food, which sets a poor example to the other guests as y 'all are the wedding party. We're kindly insisting each member of the wedding party chip in$650 for expenses.

40:21I am sorry I have to ask at this point, but it is customary for the wedding party to just offer. To offer$650? With the emoji of this. Wait, to offer$650 for what? Expenses. To be Catholic? I don't know. And remember earlier, no gifts. Your presence is the present. Plus$650. But also$650. Sawy. Sawy. Sawy. Can you imagine a doctor going, yeah, it's terminal? Yeah, sorry. Should have been Catholic. If you don't drink, we gently suggest you seriously consider whether or not you really want to come to the reception. This is meant to be a once-in-a-lifetime celebration, and it only takes one wet blanket to snuff out everyone's fire.

41:07This is a personal choice for you to make. We're so quirky. I can't handle it. This is fucking so quirky and out of the box. I can't breathe. Like, so you have to be a certain amount of Catholic to do the ceremony. And then you have to be a certain amount of drunk to do the reception. To do the reception. And you have to be short as fuck to do any of it. And you have to be flat. And if you're a guy, who cares? Guys can do whatever they want. Yeah, who cares? Get ready at the pub. Yeah. This is fucking crazy where she's like, if you don't drink, please. Please don't be a wet blanket that snuffs out.

41:40I need you guys to at least be funny and dance. Oh, my God, I can't. This is honestly, it's honestly sounding like an acting gig. Yeah. Where they're like, be here at this time. Worry about your transportation. It does. You need makeup. You need a bit of this. Part of a mile away, some guy will pick you up and don't worry about it. Don't have a bad attitude. Yeah. Yeah. We will offer translation services for those who need them. Please direct your guests who require such services to sit in the back on the left at both functions. There will be 30 minutes of open bar before the other guests arrive as a thank you to our number one ever wedding party.

42:15And then it turns into a cash bar. Holy crap. So they're paying$600 for their open bar. This person is so manipulative because they're saying, we love you, your presence is enough, we want$650, we're going to open the cash bar for you because we love you guys. But also, you're not Catholic enough. I can't breathe. Then they write, love you all, with two emojis, the like, the like, and then the hands. What's the hands? So like, thank God you're here. Oh. Clapping. Oh, thank God. Well, the bride comments again. Okay, good. Hey, ladies and himbos. Oh. Oh. Oh. What the fuck does that mean? That's quirky.

42:56It can't fit in a box. They can't. Next time I'm disruptive in a video, I'm going to go, I'm so sorry. I'm so quirky. It can't fit in a box. Yeah. Don't put me in a box. This next sentence is crazy. Would anyone be interested in helping us get a wedding cake? You'll be shouted out specifically during the ceremony if so. You'll get shouted out on the radio? It has to be dairy free. Thanks. Love you all so much. This ass, I hope she's pranking all of them. No, no. Like this has got to be. This is outrageous. I want to be just clear because I keep saying I love this girl. I love this because it's so insane.

43:32It's so insane. This person is very problematic. Wait. And very arrogant. Can I ask when these emails are getting sent out to how close it is to the wedding? Do we know? I don't think we know how much in advance, but it's, oh no, it's a week before. This is all a week before? Change last, date change last minute. All we just know is it's last. A week? But nobody, nobody can do it. See, I'm so back. Okay, so this was posted on June 5th, and the ceremony date is June 27th. So literally like three weeks. I can't. So I mean, at this point, I don't blame her. She's trying to do a whole wedding in a month, so that's why she needs a committee and met her people.

44:14And she's asking them to pay. This is crazy. Last message. In all caps, in bold, with periods after every word. Important, read this. If you are no longer participating in our wedding, pulling out just days before the ceremony, we totally understand. But please be advised we won't forget who stood with us or not. Dot, dot, dot. Heart.

44:40No thank you. No hi. Just heart? Just heart. And it's the like, you know. And it's just like, we will not forget this. We will not forget who stood by us. My favorite, yeah, is someone going, totally, no words. But I won't forget. Yeah. I will remember this forever. Yeah, but totally no worries. Heart. Totally no worries. I'll hold it against you for the rest of your life. Yeah. If I'm trying to cast her in a movie, I don't even know who I would, like I was thinking like a young Reese Witherspoon, but that doesn't even do it. Ooh, like election bias. Like someone who looks like a little not well behind the eyes.

45:15Yeah. Ooh, yeah. Jennifer Coolidge. Jennifer Coolidge is, I'd be too sweet. She's too sweet. This has to be an absolute demon. Like I literally can't even cast it. I think if you want to go funny route, like imagine a young Molly Shannon doing this. I like that. Could be good. I don't know why I'm thinking someone from succession. I'm thinking the one that's married to. Oh, this is very succession coded. The one that's the brother that wants to be the president. Oh, Conor. And it's the girl who's just like, Conor, what are you doing? And she's in Nobody Wants This. Yeah, she's so funny. And she's like this.

45:47Yeah. I literally. I don't know. This girl and the bubble she must live in. I think about this all the time with like sometimes like the politicians who are in our country. where sometimes I think when people are surrounded by so many yes men, they reach a level, like celebrities have this too, where they reach a level of stupidity and not groundedness because people are just never going to call them out on their bullshit. And they're just around all these people that are just taking it and taking it so then they think they can do whatever. And then they get to a level of power where they're like, hey, I'm going to ask this of you and I know it's probably not fine but I've never been pulled or called out for my actions.

46:28And you're like, who, what do you, I mean, is the husband, what is the husband literally doing? Is anybody going to be like, don't you think that's not fair? Anybody? Yeah, the husband's like, hey, I'm a himbo, right? Like, yeah, I'll just, I'll wait in the back. Like, you're right, if she's too tall, she shouldn't stand next to you. Yeah. What is, what's happening? Tell us, Shane. So, we have some comments. Each email got worse and worse. Holy shit, I'm exhausted just reading all that. 10 ,000 upvotes. OP responded saying, I almost posted this early on in the emails, but I decided that would be petty and inappropriate.

47:05I know weddings are stressful, et cetera. Then it kept going. Someone replied to that saying, how old are these people? It sounds like young drama, but you never know. OP responded, 33 and 47. I was going to say it actually sounds older to me. Yeah. And that's not old. It just sounds like clueless. And someone said, this makes it even worse. Oh, my God. Someone said, God bless planner Megan. I can only imagine what that poor woman went through. Someone said,$300 per person for makeup? Is everyone getting a full new makeup kit as a goodie? A day. Jesus fucking Christ. I mean, weddings do be like that.

47:43Like, the upcharge when it's just labeled wedding. My friend's planning her wedding right now, and she's like, when you just put, like, you can get someone's hair and makeup done so easy. But then when you say it's for a wedding, it's like, boom, boom. Yeah. So I get it, but it's still insane. Yeah. So much of it is truly the tone. Like, so much of it comes down to the tone. It's just, like, just expecting it out of everyone. Yeah. And, like, and then adding the whole, like, and I'll remember this forever. Yeah. We'll remember the ones that stood with us. Yeah. Like, this is a girl who I think has never been, like, told no or something.

48:15Because, like, why is she assuming all of these things are fine? And then to drop the, like, no kids. What? Yeah, dropping the no kids, dropping the, like, oh, if you're sober, fuck off. That is crazy. Oh, my God. All of these things three weeks before. I mean, I. I wouldn't go. There's no way in the world I would go. I would absolutely go, and I wouldn't pay. I'd be like, oh, I'm going to memo you. Yes, I got a memo. Yes, yes, I have to memo. Yeah, yeah. See, I think this wedding would be a travesty, not in, like, a fun way. I think it would be boring. I think it's going to end up with nobody being there.

48:51All the pictures I would fucking derp. I'd be like.

48:56Yeah.

49:00I'd wear a big cross and six-inch heels. You're dressed as the nun. I'm the nun. I have the full makeup on. I'm like, hey, girly. Sorry. Last comment says,$300 per person for makeup. Is everyone getting a full new makeup kit as a goody? Jesus fucking Christ. And as a sober person, that comment on wet blankets would be enough to cut contact completely. It is so entirely inappropriate for so many different reasons, but just plain disrespectful. OP responded, couldn't agree more. My partner is in recovery, and I asked if we just shouldn't go on the basis of that offensive comment. But she said she won't let them determine if she gets to see the shitstorm or not.

49:41Oh, so she wants to do what you're doing. I'm like, send Bravo. This is good shit. This is good shit. Oh my God. I sometimes like when I see certain reality shows, I'm like, these people can't be real. Like Bridezilla's and stuff like that. But it's like, no, this exists. Is there a picture from the wedding? There's nothing. And I feel bad. She's got a bunch of friends that are probably so scared of her and that are just going to do this. They're just saying yes. And those are the ones who are standing by her. Yes. I was going to say, once you get to this point where you've manipulated and like fucked up everyone around you, nobody's ever going to level with you.

50:15Yeah. No one's going to be honest with this person. They're just going to cut contact. She's going to end up alone. That's so true. And where are you getting the dairy-free cake if you're flying in, you know? And how are you going to get your plant? Who's going to take all the plants? Are they just going to die at the venue or the church takes them? Also, the, like, extreme hold of religiosity feels like the reason why they're doing the state lines thing, which is like, oh, we have to be at this church because this officiant means a lot to us, so we're doing it here. But then we also want this.

50:43and it feels like really like we need to be super religious but then also you need to get super fucking drunk with us. Yeah, yeah. You're so right. There's just like two worlds going on. It's also weird what they have planned and what they don't where they're like, yeah, we've got these plants that we have as gifts that we're going to give people. We don't have a cake. Yeah. Don't have that shit figured. And are you putting the plants in a bag because the soil is going to spill everywhere. Literally. And she's like, please plan accordingly to take your plants home. Help us plan accordingly for the cake.

51:16She also keeps using dialogue that makes her feel like she's a professional. She's like, please plan accordingly. Like, responsibility. Totally okay. Like, it's just like, you are not a professional. She goes, don't worry, there will be a translator. Yeah. But I need help getting a cake. Yeah. Like, what? The translator. They don't want the woman with, like, the translator microphone. phone. There's like literally too many things to think about. I can't. I'm overwhelmed. It's like... I mean Shane is just yawned. He's almost asleep. I'm gonna die. She's exhausting. This woman's exhausting. There's no more.

51:53Oh, update. She's dead. Yeah. That's it. Hey, here, Elise. Here's our honeymoon fund. Because you mean so much to us, you should think about giving money. Please. I'm thinking now about the next very professional email I have to send. K-thinks. Like writing it all out and very professional, very respectful. At the very end, I write K-thinks. K-thinks. As one word. Smiley face. K-thinks. And now it's time for our final story. This post was on the 10th dentist and ended up on Am I the Devil? Oh, oh. The 10th dentist is someone who sincerely or professionally disagrees with the broad majority of people.

52:32So it's in reference to, you know, how 9 out of 10 dentists recommend this. Oh, I get it. Who's the 10th dentist? So this is a subreddit all for kind of unpopular opinions, going against the grain. I need everyone in this room to promise me that they're not going to judge me for what I have to read right now. I will not make that promise. I think this job's getting to him. Just kidding, it's fine. It's about to. As a straight man, vaginas are badly optimized interfaces and I would prefer them evolutionarily eradicated. Let me read that again. As a straight man, vaginas are badly optimized interfaces, and I would prefer them evolutionarily eradicated.

53:17I'm a straight man. I love women. I'm not closeted. I'm not trolling. I'm just done pretending that vaginas are these sacred, sexy temples of divine femininity. They're not. They're a mess, both in design and function. If evolution had any sense of symmetry, women would have ended up with penises and the world would be better for it. Aesthetically speaking, vaginas are chaos incarnate. They make hardly any sense. There's no standard layout, no symmetry, no visual logic. Folds on folds, lips of random lengths, hidden bits, and inconsistent shapes. I'm sorry, can you go back? Repeat all of that?

53:59I almost want you to start over. because I really think you have to go slow. So you have to go really slow. You have to go really slow. Because for this to get past my emotional part of my brain to the logical part is going to take a while. Sure. Yeah. Sure. Okay, I'll take it back a little bit there. For a bit. And this isn't your fault. Aesthetically speaking, vaginas are chaos incarnate. They make hardly any sense. There's no standard layout, no symmetry, no visual logic, folds on folds, lips of random lengths, hidden bits, and inconsistent shapes. Compare that to the penis. Sleek, functional, symmetrical.

54:36Whether flaccid or hard, it has a cohesive structure. Vaginas look like they're trying to be secretive. The clitoris is great, so why is it buried? You didn't have to do this. You didn't need to do that. The main engine of female pleasure, which is the clitoris, is basically buried treasure with map prerequisites and terms slash conditions, wall of text you have to read and agree. You need to spread folds, shift skin, and sometimes ask for directions. If women had small penises instead, like literally just the clit externalized, it'd make so much more sense. Easy to find, easy to stimulate, easy to please.

55:19No more pretending like we all instinctively know the move. Looking at you, Helen. The fuck is Helen? Who the fuck is Helen? Who is Helen and what happened on the back?

55:38It would make mutual... There's poop on my shirt. You have to keep going. It would make mutual pleasures so much more straightforward and honest. This is so gay! This is the gayest thing I've ever done. I don't know if I'm allowed to say that, but that's... Go, keep going. If a woman... Oh, my God. It would make mutual pleasure so much more straightforward and honest. If a woman wants sex with me, cool, but I should not be needing a PhD in female anatomy to deliver whatever she expects me to deliver. Then, speaking of health, vaginas are a high-maintenance liability. I don't know why cats keep pretending like the vagina is low effort.

56:26It's an internal organ exposed to the outside world. Constant discharge, blood once a month, pH balance issues, yeast infections, bacterial vaginosis, UTIs from having sex too rough, or wiping the wrong direction. It's like maintaining a biohazard you can't even fully see. I just washed penis with soap. I just washed penis with soap! I'm just going to be standing up a little bit. And I'm not doing it performatively, I swear to God. If women had external genitalia like men, half of the medical aisle would be obsolete. Vaggies are the reason sex is less satisfying than it should be. As a straight man, I want to love vaginal sex, but it's unpredictable.

57:13Sometimes it's too tight. Sometimes there's no sensation. Sometimes the angle is wrong and it just hurts her. Meanwhile, if both partners had penises, you get clear stimulation. shared mechanics, and direct communication. Sex would be more mutual instead of this asymmetrical guessing game where one person is always hoping they did enough. Society would function differently and better at that because a lot of toxic gender dynamics come from the invisibility of female desire. If women had visible arousal like a literal bulge when turned on, people might actually take their sexuality seriously. No more, she's playing hard to get games.

57:54no more stigma around women initiating. If she's hard, she's horny. Simple, equal, transparent. That alone could kill half of patriarchy's sexual double standards. Why shame? Women's clothes are designed around hiding a secret. Pads, tampons, party liners. Pads. Fiesta liners. Fiesta liners. Pads, tampons, panty liners are what it's called. They are all shame silence. Oh my God! I just walk without having to pretend I'm shy of my anatomy. Imagine if women had external genitalia. Then there'd be no cultural obsession with tightness or virginity. No more locker room myths. Just genital equality out in the open.

58:43No more euphemisms. No more taboo. Just body parts. In fact, even porn would benefit. You ever notice how weird vaginas look in porn unless the angle is just right? It's often just some weird fleshy portal and the camera's trying to find a way to make it look like anything other than what it is. So small, feminine phallus would solve that. My final thought is I am not saying we scrap vaginas tomorrow. Oh, good. Just like next month. Yeah. I'm saying if you remove emotion, social programming, and 200 ,000 years of conditioning, the vagina is a badly optimized interface. High maintenance, hard to navigate, and visually chaotic.

59:25The penis, despite its own disadvantages, is a superior design. And if women had it streamlined, sensitive, and functional, the world would be simpler, sex would be clearer, and culture would be more honest. Culture would be more honest. This isn't about being gay, insecure, or onto some shit. It's about seeing past the worship and calling out a fly design when I see one. The top comment says, what?

1:00:00Yes! Yes! Yes, thank you! Thank you! Ooh, thank you. To be clear, posting on Reddit, fully optional. You don't have to do it. You do not. You don't have to post on it. This guy wrote all of this by choice. So I just need a big clit. You need a big clit. That's it? You need a big clit. A penis. And culture will be more honest. He's saying you need a penis. So I just need a penis. He's saying everyone who has a vagina needs a penis instead. So my inner face will be more... Honest. Honest. Symmetrical and streamlined and clear. And I don't want to hold a secret anymore. You're full of shame and secrets, and we're not being honest as culture.

1:00:50You need something that's... You need vaginas. Yeah. Hey. I'm... Hey. I'm like... Hey, that blanket has been a lot of places. I don't... Listen. I like how this guy's talking about male genitalia like as symmetrical as if a ball sack is a perfect sphere. I'm laughing at that concept. Ben, hello. We've all seen this. Are you fucking out of your mind? There she goes. Please. Balls are like fucking scrunchy and old looking. And I think it looks like this sometimes. I actually like, I don't even know what it is again. We almost have to go bit by bit because there's. Bits by bits. Like I, there's, there's too much.

1:01:32Yeah, there's too much. Let's go bits by bits. What's your favorite part of this? Hey, buddy, what do you think? Hey, tell me what you think. What do you think, man? Hey, step up. Where's your secret? Step up. Step up. You know, as a man, it's time for me to step up. Yeah. This is the craziest shit I've ever heard in my fucking life. I'm actually, this, I'm having fun. Oh. No, I mean, thank God. If Courtney was here, I remember last time when I put my. There'd be a Looney Tunes style like silhouette of her in the wall. The last time I put this on my head to hide, Courtney, was literally just hitting the wall.

1:02:04We would have, this is. Should I break the wall? You can. With my big penis? With your big penis. Big penis first. I wish you could break the wall, but you're not productive because you have a vagina. No, I know. I didn't just have a son and then feed him. Literally? Thank you. So what should we talk about first? The fact that he thinks vaginas are really hard to capture in porn. Yeah. Like balls aren't. That one really got me because I started being like, huh. Me too. I went, are they hard to capture? Can we go back to no more pretending like we all instinctively know the move. Looking at you, Helen.

1:02:41Yes. Yes. Please. I'd love to know who Helen is. I think Helen might be at the heart of this whole post. I think Helen did a real big booboo with him. Did a number on him. Yeah. Because he must be so disheartened by the mystery of trying to make Helen come. He probably never found her hidden secret. And she probably gave him shit for it. I think he's really, he's clearly not doing so well. No. And he's blaming the interface. Yeah, he searched through all the folds and the lips and the bits and couldn't find it. I just love when men like this can think about everything being wrong except them. Like he has to attack every single part of the anatomy of this whole part of a woman.

1:03:29Yep. And not just take up, just be like, maybe I don't like this. Yep. It's not me. It has to be them. Yep. All of them. Every single person with a vagina, they have to be the problem. And I can't help but just giggle at this because it's so, I'm just, I'm laughing at this person. I'm just like, oh, buddy. Especially you talking about having a child. I'm thinking this guy doesn't even understand. He actually has no idea what our anatomy is about, what it does, what any of the function is. That's why he's so upset because he doesn't understand it. And he's probably never even made someone happy.

1:04:09Or he's never really imagined how, gender aside, how magical the human body is. Yes. The fact that we can have a cut and it naturally heals itself. There are so many parts of us that are just like magical. Yeah. And he goes, well, there's one that I think should be fixed. Yeah. And in porn, it doesn't look good, so let's get rid of it. Yeah. I don't think it's the vagina that doesn't look good. I don't think you like it, bud. I think, yes. I don't think it's the end of the world if this person admits you don't like vagina. Stop attacking an entire gender's anatomy that's already hard enough to deal with.

1:04:43For him to attack tampons and cramps and all those things. And party liners. And party liners. fiesta liners and be like, oh, these are proof that they're bad. No, these are uphill battles that you don't have to face. Yeah. And you are going to stand there and be like, you're the problem? That's fucking crazy. So stand up. You're going to look at me and be like, don't you hate that you have all these problems? And it's like, I am working with what I've got, bro. I'm like rich coming from you. Oh, my God. Whoa! Wow! I can't help but laugh because, like, I want to be mad, but my brain is broken.

1:05:24Me too. I'm worried I'm overreacting. No, you're definitely not. The blanket is doing its own thing, though. Yeah, no, the Reddit was like, no, you're the worst person. I know, but I feel like I'm already being performative about this and screaming, but I'm like, no. You're actually that mad. No, this is. And you're not even pointing out that he blames most of the toxic gender dynamics in culture writ large are due to the invisibility of female desire. So that's what's actually wrong with everything. So because the clint is up there? He's been told no so many times and he literally can't find our little secret.

1:05:57Because this guy won't fucking just Google how to finger? He's going to blame it on the vagina? I love him listing the issues women have. Like he fucking knows. Like he talks to a woman. Yeah. Like, he didn't just Google things that can go wrong with the vagina. Also, all these things like yeast and fat, all that stuff. It's like, yeah, man, guess who's dealing with all of that? Us. Like, what are you? An interface? But also, maybe those things, I don't know. Maybe it's a little bit of a complicated anatomy because it can create children. Yeah. And it can go right back in. Yeah. You know what's cool is that we have something that's so magical that you might not fucking understand it.

1:06:36I'm sorry if it's a little bit of a complicated machine for you. It just kind of gives life to the earth. Yeah. I'm so sorry if maybe it bleeds once a month. Yeah. You fucking dick. It's called magic. There's no fucking instructions for it. Show me the magic balls make, Shane. Yeah, Shane. I will not. What? God. Just because balls don't need a napkin once a month doesn't mean they're this fucking superior fucking piece of you. just because we don't have to go digging to make the dick feel good. It's just there. Makes it easier. Oh, so easy is better. That's what this work means. No, this guy literally...

1:07:17Hey, listen. Okay? Vaginas are a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful thing. If you got a problem with it, leave. You know what I feel like? This is what I feel like with this. You're out of the wedding. Get out of the wedding. But make sure you pay. You are not Catholic. Go. $650, get the fuck out of here. Hey, before you leave, this is kind of reminding me, you know when you have a cousin that fucking annoys the shit out of you? Yes. And you and your cousins can talk shit about him, but then somebody else not in your family comes in and talks shit about your cousin? Yeah. You're like, get the fuck out.

1:07:48Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where I'm like, I can talk with people who have vaginas, I can go to the ends of the earth and be like, my God, my body wants me dead. Yeah, exactly. But then this fucking little piece of poop on a shirt. Yes. With people 69ing on the shirt? Yes. Yes, this high sex drive golfer is going to come in here and talk shit about my vagina? And I'm like, it is the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen, and I've never had an issue with it. Idiot. Do you have anything? No, I think you guys summed up all my thoughts pretty well. I'm sorry you had to read that. No, it's okay. Hey, that's a real guy.

1:08:27I just want to blow off steam a little bit. I would love to read one more comment. Let's read some more. Because the only comment we had was, what? Someone else commented, I have never encountered a sleek penis. 3 ,000 upvotes. Yes. He had a lot of descriptors for penises as well. Yes, he did. He loves. Really? He really thought they were. Describing. Really awesome. Penises. There's no mystery. It's just there. You don't have to go looking for it. You fucking idiot. That's a new voice and I love that. This is me. I don't know how to find a click because it's a treasure. He keeps calling it a hidden treasure.

1:09:00Yeah. And I'm like, it is. I don't like any of his descriptors. He speaks like a supervillain. Oh, his account's been banned. So he said something, maybe it was banned by this or probably something worse. Something worse. He does speak like a villain. You're so right. Speaks like a supervillain. Well, that's why I've been doing it. The interface is wrong. I hate when people speak in a intellectually condescending way and then they're not. But what they're saying is really, really stupid and not thought through. Because he's saying, oh, it'd be better if they have a penis. I'm like, but you're saying they should have a penis that can birth a baby.

1:09:30So it doesn't work. What are you talking about? You're not backing up what you're saying. He's not even getting as far as family planning. He's only talking about sex. And he's only talking about the struggles he's having making a woman happy. Helen. And maybe Helen or maybe somebody just needs to know, sometimes you don't have to do it all. And Helen, I'm so glad that you got away, I think. Yeah. Looking at you, Helen. Looking at you, Helen. Okay. I'm sorry I yelled. No, no valid. Do not apologize for anything ever again. That was like, I don't think we should clip that at all. Oh, I would love to clip me thinking I could go through the wall with a big penis.

1:10:18I actually would. That would be really funny, though. You should clip that. I just don't want you reading that on the internet. I'm just protective of you. That was just the worst thing I've ever heard. I know. Well, he did read it on the internet. I unfortunately did read that. Yeah. We did have another story, but that one, that guy just went on too long. So we'll save our last story for a different time. Or we went on too long about the tap dancing orphans. Oh, no. Worthwhile. No, that was good. Worthwhile. That was good stuff. Thank you both for this whole episode. Thank you for trucking through that.

1:10:54Man, what a journey. And thank you for watching. 2025 has been such an incredible year I know we say it every year but really this has been like a huge year for this show in particular Reddit Stories won a Signal Award which is very cool I won two Signal Awards it was Apple's monthly comedy podcast for November and we took it on the road we went to Canada we went to Chicago we did many live shows it's been such a great time I mean, truly a shout out to Emily and Bailey for sourcing all of these stories. It's truly wild. Thank you to you guys and to this entire cast. I mean. And to you, Shane. And to you, Shane, for reading all the stories.

1:11:42You're killing it. But also, you have good takes. You have good hot takes. I think I mostly just read and I just kind of go like, yeah. You have a perfect. I am perfect and everything I say is perfect. You have a sleek way of delivering. You have a perfect. but this is truly such a such a blast what a fun show we get to do and we'll keep on doing it in 2026 so we'll see you then bye

1:12:11but the cake needs to be dairy free and the clit needs to be hidden sorry