Am I The Ally? | Reading Reddit Stories

24:56Is this like a business asset? Can I make money or what? Yeah. So how do we make money off of this? He's like being a stage mom. Yeah. We need to capitalize off this. Okay, good. Good stuff. I like also, like, are you getting married? Yeah, that's sweet. That's kind of sweet. Yeah. Yeah, like, oh, you're gay and you've also, you're doing well. And the guy's just like, nope. And someone loves you. So what are we doing here? Ah, okay. He's like, are you proposing to me? Yeah, what would you do in this situation? Let's John Quinonez this. Well, if someone says I'm gay to me, like, I'm like, I know.

25:36Now what? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I know that. Yes. Okay, so what if someone came up to you and said, what if your employee came up to you and they said, I'm straight? I'd be like, no, you're not. Sure. You're like, are you getting married? And how can I make money off this? I guess maybe the response that people were thinking he would say is just like, oh, that's great. Cool. Yeah. Nice. I support you. And as your boss, you're... Shop the Sherwin-Williams 4th of July sale and get 30 % off paints and stains June 26th through July 6th. Whether you're refreshing your interior or exterior, we've got the colors to bring your vision to life.

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26:59It's a true workhorse. Right now, get 0 % APR financing on a Silverado 1500 pickup, plus no monthly payments until after Labor Day. See your Chicagoland in Northwest Indiana Chevy dealers for details. Chevy Drive Chicago. Good, like, everything's good. Everything's good, man. That is so strange. Well, like, I just don't, there's no, like, when you're, like, not expecting that. No, totally. Like, what do you do? Yeah, literally, what do you say? The verdict is not the asshole. No, I don't think so either. Comments, not the asshole. Isn't this sort of the long-term goal for when someone comes out, for it not to be a thing and just business as usual?

27:35Yeah. Someone else said, I can even understand the, this is a big deal for me, can I get a little bit bigger reaction, please? Feeling when coming out to family, but your boss? Not the asshole. I'm not a supervisor of anyone, but if I were, I would have no idea how to respond to an employee coming out to me with no other reason, like reporting harassment. Asking about marketing is a total foot-in-mouth moment, but that's what happens during those deer-in-the-headlights moments. Lastly, someone said, thank you for trusting me enough to confide in me as your boss. Is there something that you need from me besides my support?

28:09That is what OP needed to say. That's too damn much. I'm sorry. That is a lot. Yeah, acknowledge what he was just told and figure out if there was a work-related reason he was being told. That is like the textbook perfect response. Yeah. But I understand that some people, like, thrown for a loop, don't. He didn't say anything wrong. He just also didn't give the textbook HR response. Yeah. These are some very empathic commenters. Oh, yeah. But the problem is when you're reading a Reddit story, you get time to think about it. Yeah. Whereas when you're presented in the moment, you got to be snapping.

28:42Think on the fly. Yeah. You have a gay guy staring you down in your office. I'm like, what do I do? There's no escape. You get up and run. You're like calculating, can I make it to the door in time or not? Start sweating. He jumps out the window. He presses a button. I'm gay. Oh, that's great. And he ejects himself out of the building. And the gay guy's like, damn. I'll get him next time. We have an update. He's not gay. They're both gay. Oh, my God. The boss is gay. One year later. Okay. Oh. Shane, you can't read it ahead. What do we think? You have to read it out loud. What do we think? What do you think?

29:39Like, throw out a... He had a crush on him. You have no info. Oh. You have no info. That's a good... I like that. Whoa. So he was hitting on him. He was... Oh. Okay. Whoa. That's a good guess. Because then he goes, I'm gay. And he's like, me too. Oh. And I made the pillow into a diamond. So that's the real update. Nice. That's really moldable. Yeah, I didn't know. And now I'm really excited to fidget with it. This is fun. I never really thought I would ever post an update, but I wanted to share the good news. Nearly a year after my junior colleague H unexpectedly came out to me at work, he's become engaged to my brother.

30:24At the advice of this forum, I had a follow-up conversation with H to ensure that he was not facing any type of harassment or discrimination. Oh my God. We have the opposite reaction.

30:37I had a follow-up conversation with H to ensure that he was not facing any type of harassment or discrimination and to try to understand what prompted his exclamation. It, fortunately, was nothing major. A month later, my parents finally got the courage to ask Jay, my father's assistant, about adoption. My parents had met Jay several years ago when he was huddling by the side of the road. He had aged out of the foster system, but due to lack of support, he could not get a job and was homeless. My parents had invited him to spend the night, and he has been working as my father's assistant ever since.

31:07Jay has been like a second son to my parents for a long time, and after a late-night conversation when Jay opened up to how alone he sometimes felt because he had no family, my parents asked him how he would feel about adult adoption. I wasn't there when they asked him, but at the family dinner afterwards, it was very emotional and long overdue. However, as the days went on, Jay seemed to get more and more anxious and seemed to withdraw from us. Nearly a month later, he told us in a shaking voice that he couldn't go through with the adoption because he had been deceiving us. He was gay. Now, throughout all his time with my family, Jay had never dated.

31:42We all had assumed he was just shy or uninterested, so it was heartbreaking to hear that he felt he needed to censor himself and that he thought we would leave him if we knew the truth. It was a painful conversation, but ended happily, and the next day, Jay went with my parents to file the paperwork. At that time, my siblings and I were wondering how we could show Jay he had nothing to worry about when I remembered H and asked him if I could share his email with Jay. I had been thinking that it would be good for Jay to have a friend who was out. I never imagined they would start dating and become engaged.

32:12Wow. That's really sweet. I did have the thought when his brother came out to him, he was like, I'm gay. He was like, so do you have any marketing strategies that you think would be good? That's also really funny, just like, I know another gay guy. Yeah. I give you his email and he's like, for sure. And then they got married. That's wild. Wow. It is pretty funny. He did a good job. Yeah. Wow. He's better than Grindr. Because I'll say a lot of people, that used to be a thing. It was like maybe like a while ago. But when I used to talk about being gay with people, they'd be like, oh, my God, you need to meet my friend.

32:50And the friend would be like, so not for me. Like we were not a match at all. But the only two gay people that person knew in their life, they're like, I have the perfect guy for you. Oh, what is he like? Well, he's gay. End of list.

33:08Okay. Oh, my God. But it sounds like he did a good job. He did a great job. I mean, he didn't intend it. He wasn't trying to set him up. He was just like, oh, like, I'll help you out. You feel alone, so you sure know. That happened to me in college, and it was, like, probably a year after I came out, and it had never occurred to me that anyone in the world would ever come out to me. Yeah. You know? Wow. I was like, oh, it was cool. That's awesome. Yeah. I felt like it was cool. Yeah. What was your approach? Well, you kind of just get to say everything that you either liked when someone said to you or just hoped that someone said to you.

33:43And then you just get to do it for them. It's very cool. And then later in life, another friend of mine came out to me. And it was fantastic because you get to tell people the thing you needed to hear. and it's amazing. Come out to me. If you're in the closet, come out to me. Find Jerry. I have so much good stuff to say to you if you want to. You have a billboard next to the highway just like, call Jerry. Yeah. Very sweet. Yeah. Yeah. That's really cool. I think that's such an honor to be someone that someone trusts that much. Someone trusts that much. Yeah. It's a really cool thing. But I understand in a workplace as a boss, you're trying to like, okay, let me navigate.

34:27Especially at work. Yeah. Going into their office. Yeah. Damn. What if that guy, he clearly is like prophetic. Like he's like, I need to come out to my boss so that he hooks me up with future brother. Smart. Yeah, sure. Nice. So he does have marketing strategies. Yeah, I'm the strategy. Marketing. Yeah. Our next story. This comes from Am I the Asshole? Am I the asshole for not telling the nurse at my niece's school about my profession. Say no more. My niece's nice nurse. Yeah. I, a 29-year-old woman, was supposed to pick up my niece, Sophie, who's seven, from elementary school and spend a day with her.

35:10It was all mentioned before to the school and I've picked her up a few times before. Sophie was running towards me, but she tripped and fell down. Her knee was bruised and she started crying like crazy. I took her to the nurse's office immediately. The nurse was in her early 20s and helped Sophie with cleaning up her wound and dressing. I tell my niece a lot about my line of work, so she asked me if she was going to need stitches. If so, how many and what kind, et cetera. The nurse was impressed. She showed Sophie a few items of equipment she had and asked if Sophie wanted to be a nurse like her.

35:41Sophie said no. She wanted to be a doctor like her aunt, a.k.a. me. The nurse got a bit upset and asked me why I didn't say anything about this. I was honestly confused. I was like, why would I need to even mention it? I even threw in a compliment saying she was quite good at her job and I enjoyed witnessing a professional at work. She said I was being too generous with my comments. I told her I was being honest and thanked her for taking care of Sophie's knee. Right when Sophie and I were leaving, she said she'd never be able to guess my line of work correctly because I look better than most of my colleagues.

36:12I thanked her again and said I appreciated her help. She said I still owed her for not telling her my job and that it felt like I was testing her or deliberately trying to see how she was doing. I apologized and said that's not what I meant and that I knew she was more than capable of doing her job well. She said maybe I could find a way to make it up to her properly. And I was like, sure, but Sophie and I need to go now. I don't know if I was rude, but this had me thinking. Should I have told her about my job? I love that this person wrote this all out and didn't see the signs. Also, which one's gay?

36:45Who's the gay one?

36:49Oh my God. But that's hilarious. To write that out and just be like, yeah, anyways. Yeah. And then the next watch if there's an update. It's like, so we went on like five dates. Yeah. I don't know if she's gay. But anyway, we're figuring it out. We only have, we have a couple comments. Someone said, lol, she's flirting hard and you're oblivious. Yeah. OP said, I can certainly see it now. Honestly, this is embarrassing. Someone said, you know what? You're right. You're right. This is, you know, going back to the previous story, this is a really valid time where it's just like no you should just say I'm gay just say that at times just in case I'm the gay nurse it's me hi I'm your niece's gay nurse I work at this school I'm gay it's crazy someone said poor Sophie is going to have to take one for the team and go down so you can meet the nurse again aww that's cute niece keeps getting hurt the nurse is like hey can you get injured again yeah someone said But LOL, well, you can maybe send her flowers as a thank you for Sophie's knee and see how that goes if you really want to take her out for a date.

37:56Ooh, that's good. She said she'd never be able to guess my line of work correctly because I look better than most of my colleagues. Like, wow, well, you're pretty hot for a doctor. Yeah. Most doctors are gross. Yeah. You're hot. I do think that I owed her for not telling her my job and that it felt like I was, to be like, oh, you owe me. That feels like very flirty. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would pick up on that and I'm bad at picking up on a flirty. I know, yeah. Although, honestly, I kind of didn't pick up on it reading, just listening. Really? I'm hearing it now and it's all very clear, but...

38:27I think we're reading it with the context of like, it's an am I the asshole post. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, she pissed her off. But, like, putting those words aside and then picturing the context, I'm like, no, this feels like this was... I'll also say there are angry flirters. People who like... Totally. Their madness or when they kind of bite at you is them flirting. Like they're actually mean. It's like very elementary school. Yeah. I do recall, I think there was a time, I think there was a case, yes, I'm not lying here, where talking to some, talking to this girl from like, that I had known back in elementary and middle school, she was like, oh, I thought you were cute.

39:10And I was like, you were an asshole to me. But I was like, oh, that's, it was the, that's what it was. That was also like prime sarcasm era. Oh. Like, millennials, we wouldn't do that. Like, the aughts were just sarcasm town. So it's like, if you like someone, it's like, I gotta show you I'm the most sarcastic person in the world. And it's like, oh, so you just hate me. Yeah. But that seems like this person's maybe a little sarcastic, a little bit like, yeah. Update. Ooh. First of all, thanks for your lovely comments on my original post. I appreciate every single one, and I would like to thank everyone who took the time to give their input on the situation.

39:45As you can see in the original post, I was absolutely clueless during the whole interaction and missed the flirting part altogether. So I took your advice, asked my sister to let me babysit Sophia again, and picked her up from school. Around 10 minutes before school was over, I went to the nurse's office with a bouquet of flowers and thanked the nurse for taking care of my niece's knee, and asked her if I had the opportunity to make up for my rudeness from the last visit. Thankfully, she agreed. We went on a date last night. It included a late evening walk by the beach and dinner. By the end of the night, I showed her the post, and I think it is safe to say she was as amused as every single one of the commenters, and she can barely stop teasing me about it.

40:25So overall, thank you so much for your comments and help. Wow, she came out to her as a Redditor. Yeah, that's really great. That's pride. And that's pride. Okay. Hey, the last time the OP has updated her Reddit account, they've been dating for seven months. Oh my God, love is real. That was two years ago, but that's the last time we got an update. But maybe she's like, okay, you know what? We're together, we're happy. I'm going to stop getting on Reddit. And that's growth. Wow. That's beautiful. So, wow. Damn. So not the asshole, no? Not the asshole. No. No, in fact. Just a little bit oblivious.

41:03Just stupid as fuck.

41:07Just a dumbass. Okay, wait. Her niece is like, dude, you were so stupid. You didn't see that? Her niece is gushing blood from her knees. Ah! Okay, our next story. Let's do it. Comes from the subreddit Rant. This was posted in 2022. They write, have to get a paternity test done to prove I'm not the dad of my friend's baby, even though I'm gay. I don't know whether to laugh or cry over this entire situation that's unfolded in the past six weeks. I, a 23-year-old man, have a co-worker, Robert, who I've been friends with for four years, pretty much since I started working at the factory I'm still in.

41:46Robert, who's 32, just had his first daughter, Chelsea, who's two months old, after four boys. The boys are dang near carbon copies of him. Bleached blonde straight hair, freckled skin, and I swear to God, they were just born with tans. His high school sweetheart wife, Danielle, who's 32, is a tight-curled redhead with freckles for days and burns like there's no tomorrow. Their daughter from the jump had a full head of red hair that's already starting to curl. When I got to meet her, she was two weeks old. I gasped. A fellow redhead myself here with long curly red hair. And said something along the lines of, Oh my God, it finally happened.

42:22The red is alive. Just being dramatic and funny. Robert goes, Yeah, don't bank on that staying. My genes are strong after all. Danielle rolled her eyes and I shrugged it off as a weird joke at first. But the entire time I was there, he pretty much kept going on about how his genes would prevail. Jump forward, Chelsea is now five weeks old. For three weeks, every single day, Robert would be complaining about how little of himself he sees in his daughter, how much of a stranger she is for it, that some days he thinks he's looking at another person's baby. He only ever seemed to want to complain to me about it as it was.

42:55After the fifth day in a row, I started trying to explain how genetics work, pretty much saying jeans aren't going to always drastically go one way. Three days ago, Robert came into work just itching for an argument with everyone. Our mutual friend Jesse asked him what his deal was on our break after he shouted at another friend for asking a work-related question. He blew up saying he knows Chelsea isn't his, that his cheating whore of a wife just won't admit it, and he knows exactly who she was fucking around with. He then looks over at me and points at me and yells at me to get my ass outside.

43:27I asked why and he starts screaming he's not stupid he knows I've been trying to kiss ass to avoid his beat down I'm gay I have a male fiance I have pride stickers all over my car outside of work I am a parrot of colorfulness I just couldn't help but laugh at him it was just so bizarre and I know I wasn't the only one looking at him like he was insane either I told him Chelsea is literally half of Danielle's genetics that Danielle isn't a fucking incubator for his genetics and asked him why he was so obsessed with their kids needing to look exactly like him. What's the point of that? He wouldn't answer and just kept telling me to get up before he dragged me out to the parking lot.

44:03I told him I'm not going to fight him on something this ridiculous and asked him if he was trying to get fired. He starts demanding I take a paternity test and again, I asked him if he was completely serious. He said he was because I spend so much time with Danielle. He's not necessarily wrong, but she's a part of the girlfriend group I'm part of. There's five of us in total. We do artsy stuff, try new places, just hang out and do whatever, but never stuff like that. I told him to go take a paternity test for himself. He argued that he's not paying for a test he knows the truth to. I told him I'm not paying for a paternity test and then asked which redhead in the factory he was going to accuse next.

44:40The exchange ended when our shift manager came in for a break. I texted Danielle and told her exactly what happened. The next day was my day off. So my phone was on silent and I slept in, woke up to Elliot, my partner, getting off the phone and telling me I should check my phone. I'd been bombarded with dozens of messages and missed calls slash threatening voicemails from Robert because Danielle had kicked him out. He decided to get Elliot's number out of Danielle's phone to tell him his version of events. I'd already told Elliot the night before, so he was just baffled how certain Robert was.

45:11Danielle did text me a few times, apologizing on his behalf and then updating me. They were getting a paternity test slash she's filing for divorce that she has no idea why he'd think such a thing. My partner thinks it's hilariously sad Robert destroyed his marriage like this. This morning while getting ready for work, Robert texted me saying he has the money and when the test comes back with the truth, he'd F me up in court for what I've done. How I've ruined not only his life, but his kids' lives and everyone in their family's lives too. Idiot really has gone around telling everyone I'm the dad.

45:45I agreed to the test and told him he may as well quit his job and just vanish after this because it's going to be real embarrassing when I walk in with the paperwork and wave it around saying I'm not the daddy to his redheaded child. And he has to explain to everyone, including his own children, what an absolute idiot he is. Our friends have been giving me the cold shoulder all day Pretty much saying yeah they don't think I'm the dad for sure But I'm a trash friend for going straight to his wife And getting him thrown out of his own house And being forced to sleep in his truck And that I should have just agreed to the paternity test to begin with Instead of stirring up drama and getting unnecessary people involved It's one thing if he decided he wanted one for himself But he expected me not only to get one But pay my own way and just not say anything But yeah I'm the trash friend and trash person I guess Robert's family is doing nothing but slandering Danielle, and I'm being mocked for having the reverse version of a beard.

46:35Like when a man uses a woman as a cover so people don't know he's actually gay. And it's causing issues now with Elliot's family because their logic is, well, they wouldn't be so sure if there wasn't proof. My family is 100 % with me and knows I absolutely have zero interest in women. Even if I did, I'm not a cheater. Woo! Wow. It's a doozy. What is going on? I love the idea of ending that with, am I the asshole? It's like, yeah, so this guy threatened to beat me up, and I didn't do anything. Did I do something wrong? Wow. It must suck to be that kind of stupid. Yeah. You know? I need to know what's going on in the marriage.

47:15Leaders aren't born. They are made, and they're made like everything else, through hard work. Well, the Chevy Silverado was made for hard work and designed to handle the big jobs. With over 13 ,000 pounds of towing capacity and trailering sway control, Chevy Silverado can haul the biggest loads on the roughest roads. It's a true workhorse. Right now, get 0 % APR financing on a Silverado 1500 pickup, plus no monthly payments until after Labor Day. See your Chicagoland and Northwest Indiana Chevy dealers for details. Chevy Drive Chicago. This podcast is sponsored by Made in Cookware. Made in partners with multi-generational artisans and some of the world's best chefs to create professional quality cookware, knives, and kitchen tools.

47:58Their products are trusted in Michelin-starred restaurants worldwide and designed to perform just as well in your kitchen. From five-ply stainless clad to carbon steel, every piece is built to last and made to actually make you a better cook. Discover award-winning cookware at madeincookware.com. What is going on? Yeah, but like sometimes people are stupid in a way that's like kind of joyful and like awesome. Like you don't know stuff, so you're kind of like oblivious. Why did you look at me when you said that? No, I'm just looking at this gentleman. I just met you, but look. But this guy is stupid in a way that's causing him torment.

48:36He doesn't understand genetics, so he really is just so confused. Ever heard of a pun at square, bitch? Sorry. But also this guy is an absolute asshole for thinking that only... Saying his genetics will prevail, that's enough to really be like, I need to get away from this guy. You're a villain. You're like a supervillain. You are literally a villain. I'm built different. He sounds like Sauron or some shit. Yeah. OP definitely has bad friends as well. There is also a really scary straight type of narcissism that makes the leap that someone around you might be pretending they're gay to hurt you.

49:19It's like, have you ever experienced anything like that? No. I think maybe it's happened to me once where a friend's boyfriend maybe doubted that I was gay with my closeness to his girlfriend. and it's like I don't know how else to it really just it really makes you stop and think I just had a memory come back of in middle school during gym class I would like hang out with the girls and we'd be doing like cartwheels and stuff and be like doing dances and shit and I remember the guys used to always like watch me and be like he's doing it again he's doing it again and then they'd like bring me over and they'd be like you're so smart bro you are so smart pretending to be gay so you can like do cartwheels and hang out with the girls like that.

50:05And I'd be like, yeah, pretending to be gay. Wait, what? But that seems like a fun dumb person. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like he's like, oh, way to go. He's such much like, that's good dumb. Yeah, you get to do sleepovers and they spend the night at your house and stuff. And I'm like, yeah. Yeah. Why is that? Yeah, it's a type of stupid, but it's a combo of stupid and insecure. Yeah. And it's really dangerous. like truly but a lot of guys are just so incapable of like I don't know they're just so insecure that any guy around their wife it's like you're trying to sleep with my wife yeah and then they just can't then they also are like it's just kind of a combo of homophobia and sexism and all this stuff too it's like his wife has no agency yeah yeah he's not talking about his wife it's not like oh his wife what does she feel or think about in this situation I think he did call her a chick he called her a chick yes yes the sexism comes out very blatantly then.

51:04But yeah, no, this guy is awful. Comments, everyone is trash except you, your fiance, and Danielle. Do you live in Trashville? I'd take precautions in the sense that you may need to get the authorities involved if he's going to go nuclear. At the very least, I would have touched base with your company's HR unless that doesn't exist. Someone said to that, this, this guy could easily try and get you fired because when your test comes back negative, he will be very embarrassed and might act even worse than he already has. If the company doesn't know what is going on, his behavior could get you, him, or both of you fired.

51:37Protect yourself, OP. If the company doesn't have an HR department, you go to your manager and or the person who runs the business. If it's not one of them, they can tell you who it is. There's always somebody responsible for handling these issues, even if there is no official HR. I'm sorry, it's so crazy that this is his co-worker too. Yeah. Does he work in a factory? They work in a factory, but he's also part of the friend group of his wives. Like there's a very interconnected ecosystem. Someone said, what the fuck is wrong with them? Dude was trying to street fight you and basically ruin your relationship but you're trashed for telling your friend something that definitely would have gotten back to her.

52:13He was calling her a whore and smearing her name just disrespecting their vows and entire marriage. Honestly, what the fuck is wrong with him? Why wouldn't he want a mini version of his wife when he has so many of himself? My siblings look exactly like my mom and I look different, but no one accused my mom of sleeping around, especially since I resembled my dad's great aunt. Dude just doesn't understand genetics and I hope he takes a test for himself. Otherwise, he'll ride around town looking for more redheads. Oof. Lastly, someone said, I wouldn't worry too much. Everyone's just feeling bad for the guy because his life has been uprooted.

52:46But he did that to himself. His poor wife, though, five kids, including a newborn, and this guy freaks out because the daughter looks like her mom instead of him. What a fucking waste of oxygen. Good for her for finally standing up for herself. Whoa. I can't wait to try to win an argument by being like, I have pride stickers all over my car. Yeah. And he's like, those are just a trick. Yeah. To get to my whole wife. Anyways, moving on to our final story. I think this one's going to be a little bit of a different tone. This comes from Today I Fucked Up. Okay. It's posted in 2021. It's like, my name is Robert.

53:27Hi, my name is Robert, and I made a whoopsie. Today I fucked up by ruining my boyfriend's company-wide meeting. This actually happened a few hours ago, and I am writing this outside out of fear of going back into the apartment. The iconic and viral clip of a mother storming in on her children and asking which one of them didn't flush after using the toilet has been a cornerstone of my boyfriend and I's relationship. Today, my boyfriend took the... I don't. Yeah. Who the fuck took a shit in the toilet? I don't know it. I don't think I've seen this, but it sounds hilarious. Okay. Disgusting. Okay.

54:05I know that phrase. Today, my boyfriend took the largest poop I have ever seen. And I mean largest. It wasn't even broken into pieces. One long continuous poop. And while he might have tried to flush it, it did not work and ended up greeting me in the face when I, too, needed to take an incredibly large poop. Out of pure humor, I barged straight into my boyfriend's work from home office and in my best and loudest Scottish accent said, did you take a shit and not flush? Disgusting. The intention was to laugh with my boyfriend and for him to come and see how it didn't flush correctly. Instead, his face went completely white and jaw dropped.

54:42He was on a video call with not only his boss, but his entire team. We normally have a little sign to put on the door when we are in video calls, but just like how he maybe forgot to flush He forgot to let me know he was having a company-wide meeting where he was presenting And then his boss was like are there any marketing strategies? First of all, I just want to say congrats because a full log is a good that's sign of a healthy colon. Yeah, fiber maxing. Yes with pointed ends is most ideal. If you didn't know, pointed ends, you want... So it sounds like they're doing everything right. They're doing a great job.

55:25So that's good for the team to know that he's healthy. Yeah. He's ready to work. So maybe they know the video. Maybe they know the reference video. Maybe. Yeah. Like, oh, you're quoting it. They're like, ha, ha, ha, ha. Promoted. Yeah. Do you guys have any embarrassing Zoom call? Big shit stories? Do you guys have any huge dump stories? This video gets posted, you're like, oh, the Pride Reddit story. So it just says, huge dump, huge fucking shit Reddit stories. Giant rainbow shit. It's my job, Zoom. The first Zoom I ever did, it was a show, it was a Zoom show, a Zoom comedy show. Oh, cool. And I was learning how to use it for that show.

56:10Sure. And I was being explained how it would work and when to talk. So I would just do my stand-up set. And I thought I understood. And I start my set into my laptop at home. And it's like March 15th. God. Horrible. And I'm saying my jokes. And then I'm just like, okay, this is fine. Just say it like a monologue. Look straight into your computer and just keep saying the jokes. You're not going to hear any laughs. And you'll just do it. And you'll raise money. And that'll be that. and then about five minutes into my set I finished a joke and then I hear laughter and I realize I was supposed to be hearing laughs the whole time I was just bombing for the first like five minutes of my set so that was tough to kind of hear that laugh and then realize in real time and again it's like March 15th was that your first time ever doing stand up straight into a just of course yeah that's if stand up it's like amazing that stand-up could only be harder.

57:10It's already one of the hardest things to ever do. And I'm literally sitting there thinking, I got the hang of this. It's just like a teleprompter. Just sit here and read it. You're fine. You thought everyone was just muted? Yeah. But also, for the audience, this is also something so new. Right? Like, oh, first, just like, I'm watching stand-up remotely from like... From my house. Yeah. It's just not a conducive environment. And thank you. Wow. Thank you for missing your flight. to hold space for me. I remember with Moon Goon, we were still writing shows at this time on Zoom. And the way meetings would work, we'll follow the fun and we'll follow bits in person.

57:55It's very easy to follow the conversation. But on Zoom, it's just too many voices at one time. It's just like when it's 14 people in a writer's room. And you would have to learn kind of when to unmute yourself just to laugh, to be like, that's funny, and then unmute yourself again. I know. Oh, brutal. Brutal. Anyways, some comments. Someone said, he left you a present. Can you just be grateful? Yeah. OP said, this made us both laugh. Thank you so much. Someone said, what was the reaction? OP said, I had to regain my composure and go for a walk. He is incredibly embarrassed, but can't really be mad at me.

58:29It's his fault for both, A, not checking to see if it went down, and B, not letting me know he was on a conference call. I am somewhat nervous that he is going to try and get me back for ruining his company-wide reputation. I think I need to find another place to take my video calls. Something I didn't mention, however, is that we are both men. Lastly, someone said, well, he needs to learn to take care of his shit in one form or another. Then this wouldn't happen. If he has really learned his lesson, he will buy a poop knife and remember his sign. OP says he is most definitely scarred for life, and now I know what I'm getting him for his birthday.

59:03Thanks for the suggestion. Legendary Reddit poop knife. What is a poop knife? You both don't know this? No! I mean, I can imagine, but people are using those? One of the most famous Reddit stories of all time, this is from like 10 years ago, is this girl's dating this guy. He eventually visits the girlfriend's family and he asks like, hey, where's your guy's poop knife? And she's like, what? And he's like, yeah, we have a poop knife. Like, my family has a knife in the bathroom for cutting the poop. Cut the shit, you know what I mean? He thought everybody had poop. But what is he? Is he butterfying it?

59:39Why is he cutting the poop? Like sashimi? Just to get it down? He's julienning it.

59:54I hate that. Anyways, so that's that. Yeah, yeah. Some fun Reddit. Yeah. I don't like poop knife, Shane. I'm sorry. It's not my thing. It's a Reddit thing. This does remind me, in the mornings, I am gassy. And I will FaceTime my family because we're in different cities. What's up, Dad? You gotta hear it. You gotta hear it. So we're all on FaceTime. We'll be on FaceTime for like maybe 30 minutes. We're not all engaged all the time. And I'll be walking. I'll be making a coffee. I just woke up. You know, it's different time zones and stuff. And I will burp. And then my niece, in like a very like kind of six-year-old way, will like scold me.

1:00:41And then my parents kind of get in on it. And then I'm like, I'm in my house. I'm alone in my home. Let me burp. And I'm like, oh, wait, I am on a call. And it does make me think about like, you know, who's like, I wish we had a ref here. Like, what do you guys think? Should I like? Oh, that's interesting. Am I allowed to burp in the privacy of my own home if I'm on a FaceTime with my family? Yeah. I say no. No. You say no? I say no. Depends on the context of the conversation. If the conversation is like, yeah, grandma's not doing well. It's like, boop. Sucks. Like, if it's just like a casual conversation, whatever.

1:01:19It usually is. I guess it depends on the families. Some families have a poop knife. Some families don't burp. My family doesn't burp. You guys don't burp? Damn. All I do is burp and fart. It's crazy. It's a lot. It's really a lot. You're Shrek-ass family. You know what's actually like, yes, for whatever reason, yesterday, I farted in my bathroom. Yeah, grow up. Ew, grow up. You shouldn't fart in your bathroom. I farted in my bathroom. And it occurred to me, like, I guess the acoustics, and I heard it, and I thought, my butt isn't trying to hurt anyone's feelings. And I like heard my butt fart, and it was like, because you feel shame for farting and for burping, and like, oh, it's pissing everyone off and I'm gross.

1:01:59I went, my butt doesn't know. No. My butt's just a sweet little butt. And I just farted. It's a little guy. I have no idea that anyone's getting offended or hurt. It's just like, I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah. It was kind of nice. It was nice. A moment of empathy for my butthole. I think my butt knows. That's why I don't. You don't. It's sentient. It's like aware of itself. Don't worry, chants. Is this what I am? I got you. But he's so good. Yeah, it's so good. Well, on that note, thank you both for joining. Thank you. Happy Pride. Hey, happy Pride. Happy Pride. Yeah. What? Happy Pride? Oh, you don't like that?

1:02:37You can say that. I can't stop you. No, you can't. Thank you for coming on this journey with me today. Boy, it was a roller coaster. All sorts of stories. And thank you all for watching. And we'll see you next Saturday. Goodbye.

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