Confessions Of A Redditor | Reading Reddit Stories

16:44Shayne Topp:That's so true. And like she's still putting a lot of labor into it. It's not like she's going to like a Publix and like buying a cake and then just like putting some decorations on the cake. Of course. Yeah.

16:56Ian Hecox:If the baker is saying that the icing stuff is hardest then alright. Do we think all bakeries are using boxes? No. No, Porto's can't be. That shit is too good. Shane, what if they are? What box mix are they using? Tiramisu box mix. For their tres leches? The three milks? The three boxes? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're using three boxes with a lot of milk. It's all a lie. They're using their potato ball cake mix. Oh, I love potato balls.

17:30Shayne Topp:Yeah. We love potato balls. Guys, nobody knows what we're talking about outside of LA. It's fine. We can't do this.

17:36Ian Hecox:Guys, sorry. The next time you go to your local bakery, be like, all right, I want to see the back. I want to go back there. Ask for a tour. Open it up. Let me see. Open it up.

17:43Shayne Topp:All right. Cake is the best thing in the entire... What's your favorite cake? Ooh. Oh, my God. You know what? Okay, here's an underrated one. I think it's called, like, German forest cake. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So good. That one? With cherry?

17:55Ian Hecox:It's rich.

17:56Shayne Topp:Isn't it cherry? Or is that black forest? That's black forest. Oh, no, not black forest. The German... It's like a coconut... Yeah. German chocolate cake. Like, dude, I haven't had that in like probably a decade. But like, dude, a good German chocolate cake. Oh, yeah.

18:09Ian Hecox:There's not a cake that I won't eat. Really? I like I don't know what cakes that I don't like. But but I do think red velvet. Red velvet's hard to be. So good. So good. And isn't red velvet just like, yeah, just vanilla. It's a lie. It's chocolate, but it's just red. Food coloring and cream cheese. But like some about that food coloring. Red is so good.

18:31Shayne Topp:did you ever have the blue velvet cake at milk? Do you remember milk? No. I love milk. I think the answer is I like chocolate cake. There was this ice cream place in LA, and they had a blue velvet cake, and apparently it turned your poop green. Hell yeah. Because it was so vibrant blue.

18:51Ian Hecox:Wow. Also, shout out to ice cream cake. I grew up with ice cream cake. No, ice cream cake rocks.

18:59Shayne Topp:Ice cream crank rocks. It's an inferior cake. Jane, something is happening to you right now. And I don't think you feel well, but we'll keep going on Reddit stories. But are you sick? Ice cream crank. Ice cream crank.

19:14Ian Hecox:Ice cream crank. Love ice cream cake. Okay. I'll tell you guys my favorite cake since none of you guys fucking asked.

19:22Shayne Topp:Yeah, let's hear it. Oh my God, you posed the question. I like chocolate cake with vanilla. Oh. Or lavender cake. I know it sounds fucked up. I've never had it. No, that sounds good. You love floral. Alcove?

19:37Ian Hecox:I love floral. You like lavender ice cream and stuff. I love lavender ice cream. Lavender. Let's bring in the cake. Rose, like rose or lavender. Can we order some cake? Can we order some cake to the show right now? Have you been to Mashti Malone's? No. Persian ice cream. Rose, pistachio, saffron. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that sounds good. Naughty. All right. Okay. Update.

20:00Shayne Topp:update to what? A cake person? Crank time. Up. Up, Crank. Up, up, cake. Let's get Cranked up. Hey, Shane, remember when you said you'll eat any cake? Yeah, that was a bad statement. That was crazy. We're gonna, we're gonna fuck it up for you. And I stand, I stand on it, man. All right, cool.

20:23Ian Hecox:I stand on that cake and I eat it. I actually think that you need to go home. You stand on it. I stand on that cake. All right, give us a quick... Upquake. Upquake. You're calling me unwell. Look at you. I've already accepted it. I'm fine with it. I'm fine. I'm totally fine with it. All right. Update from this commenter, the cake lady.

20:48Shayne Topp:Didn't know we needed an update from this person. Well, we do. We've already decided we're good. She's like, Pillsbury is suing. it's three years later

20:59Ian Hecox:what the hell

21:01Shayne Topp:wait wait

21:02Ian Hecox:do we think they got caught they must have gotten caught wait could this be what is going on I don't know

21:08Shayne Topp:what if it turns out to be Prue from the Great British Bake Off she's leaving Great British Bake Off no because this is from 2012 this is now 2015 so she could have found her career tell us is it Paul Hollywood or Prue

21:19Ian Hecox:we'll see alright kiddos here I am a friend texted me and said my people need me Ha ha ha. I guess there was a thread that got big and mentioned this thread. Here's your update. I actually no longer make cakes. I got a divorce and moved into a much smaller home. And at that point, I had no place to decorate cakes. I was also really burnt out. It's an incredibly hard art. Very time consuming and requires a lot of tools and space. About a year later, I moved in with my now boyfriend. We have a pretty big kitchen. I wanted to sell my equipment and tools and the billion giant cake pans I have. But he convinced me not to.

21:53Ian Hecox:He said I should keep it on the back burner for a while and see if I want to do it again later. He didn't know me when I was a decorator, but he saw the photos and told me it would be a shame if I never did it again. I want to share some photos, but it would be so easy to trace them back to my old cake blog. Maybe I can find one or two photos that were never posted there. So they posted some photos, I guess. Oh, no. And now we have an update from three more years later. They're arrested and in jail in a small apartment. smaller I think at this stage I care less about the cakes and more I hope this new relationship works out me too she got a divorce I was like I didn't think well the guy really wanted cake and she said no more cake I'm done with okay update three more years later I have a sort of hilarious update at this point about a year and a half ago I was diagnosed with a wheat intolerance okay all right well yep we've got we've got the we've got the two wheat intolerant people in this

22:50Shayne Topp:room with less so for me now he's beating it i beat it intolerance i beat the wheat how'd you beat i'm beating my weed every night hey no hey i stand on cake he beats the weed yeah what do you do and i eat craic okay i love eating craic stop beating the weed shit so bad it went up creek up creek I slowly glutened myself I remember you said that you were doing that yeah I think I've beaten it still afraid to eat the sandwich exactly hers is different I think Emily's will kill her Emily will die I'm just too strong I think yours was a lie okay love you Emily

23:41Ian Hecox:they were diagnosed with a wheat intolerance my intestines decided they no longer wanted to digest wheat anymore I actually just thought I was dying for a few months, it was really stressful anyway, I can't even fucking eat cake anymore, I still have all of my equipment and what not, I make a quick cake now and then, but trust me when I say gluten free cake mixes are better than anything I could make from scratch lol here's a cute little cake I made for my birthday last year, it's not amazing, but it's not bad considering I rarely make cakes anymore they're a good decorator that's a cute little unicorn this cake is extremely 2017 I mean the unicorn right out the middle what a crazy Craig you're never gonna let me live that down yeah no Craig is forever you they keep writing I still receive so many messages on this account I'm sorry if I don't reply but I never check this account I've got everything in that inbox from people trying to guess who I am to people giving me recipes to people begging me for cake photos and one guy who wanted a video of me eating cake.

24:45Ian Hecox:Oh, okay. Well, new fetish unlocked. Well, has he ever seen?

24:53Ian Hecox:What are you going to say? We don't know. Cake farts. Oh, cake farts. Hell yeah, dude. Anyhow, I'm getting married again. Second time is a charm to a dude I met on Reddit. Wait. Not the boyfriend? Not the boyfriend. I think to a different person. Oh, because he wanted cake. A dude they met on Reddit. Okay. And our wedding planner asked me to please not try to make my own wedding cake because she has seen it end in a stressful disaster so many times. I'm going to take her advice and leave the cake making to someone else. And when she gets the cake, she's going to be like, I know this is a pillberry.

25:26Ian Hecox:Yeah. I know. Wait, this is a happy ending for her. It was a happy ending. She got away with it. Wow. She got away with it. She got away with it. I feel like I don't necessarily believe in karma, but it is funny that she's like, okay, I'm making fake cakes. I'm no longer allowed to eat cake there's something there's something kind of there yeah no more beating the wheat

25:47Shayne Topp:so then why did I get a gluten intolerance because you're just a sinful man that's true

25:52Ian Hecox:back to confession I guess I'll yeah

25:55Shayne Topp:father but you were absolved I've been beating my wheat he's brought it up again so he's allowed to now because he's absolved you are absolved Say five Hail Marys. I don't know. Don't do it in the mirror. I don't know what any of this stuff means. Or what?

26:13Ian Hecox:Biggie Smalls will come. What? Did you just make that up? No. Have you never heard the... No. I would have said in the mirror if I knew that was going to happen. I thought some creepy lady was going to come and steal my soul. Biggie's coming? It's a stupid... I think it's a South Park reference. Whatever. Producer note, there are eight more largely uneventful updates that span across a few years, leading this to be a 10 plus year long Reddit famous thread. Wow. This person just keeps on posting. Wow. They're like, I never saw this, but I'm dating again.

26:48Shayne Topp:Yeah, it's like, all right. But this time it's a Reddit mod. So, you know, moving up. Moving up. Moving on up. Maybe.

26:55Ian Hecox:Okay. Our next story. Whoa, that was one story. That was one story. Okay. This comes from True Off My Chest and it was posted in 2022. My wife and everyone else thinks I got laid off, but really I quit so I could make a go at being a Twitch streamer full time. Don't quit your job to do Twitch. No. Yeah. No, no. It is a tough career path. No, no, no. All right. My wife doesn't follow or know anything about Twitch or video games at all. She doesn't have any knowledge of or connection to the industry I used to work in. She is a paramedic, so she works different shifts and does not know I stream at times when she is not home.

27:35Ian Hecox:Her salary is enough to cover our bills, although things will be a bit tighter until I start making money on my stream. I'm not going to tell anyone until I'm bringing in enough money that I can do it full time. I have never been happier and not stressed as I am now. It's easy for me to lock myself in my home office and say I'm networking and job hunting when I'm really streaming if my wife and or my three-year-old is home. if she's not working or my daughter is not at daycare it's harder but i make it work i feel a bit guilty for lying but i have wanted to do this for a long time no one that i know in real life knows obviously posting this with a throwaway oh so nobody knows they he thinks that the so he's

28:16Shayne Topp:just telling people that he's like job searching these networking won't she have some questions if she's hearing him go, oh, boom, headshot.

28:24Ian Hecox:Okay, on me, on me. Okay, I'm down. It makes me so sad that the three-year-old's involved. Oh, this is really horrible. And he said she's a paramedic? She's a paramedic. Paramedics. Paramedics should get paid more, but I don't think they get paid enough. For him to be like, she can cover both of us. And a baby. And a baby. Him also being like, oh, yeah, when I start making money off of this. You can't hedge. As someone who has been in the entertainment industry a long time, it could take a long time before you make money off it. This makes me sad because he could be a stay-at-home dad right now and probably help them out a lot.

29:05Oh, no, the three-year-old's probably in school.

29:06Ian Hecox:I don't know. But it's the fact that he's also streaming. Someone's going to catch him.

29:15Shayne Topp:Nobody's going to catch him because he has probably two viewers. He probably has zero.

29:19Ian Hecox:I think like statistically, yeah, the average streamer has zero viewers because you either kind of zero or you get a following. He's just playing video games. Yeah.

29:29Shayne Topp:I mean, he's he's. Yeah. I mean, there's there's a lot of creators that, you know, they'll have they have like the streaming or YouTube as like a side gig until it starts making money. and then they'll leave their job. But to leave your job and start streaming before any proof of success is insane. Because he didn't get fired. No, he left. He left.

30:00Ian Hecox:He quit. He said that he got fired. He quit. So he made this decision. Also, I do think if you're married, also, especially if you have a kid, you need to communicate to your spouse of like, I'm going to quit my job. It's like, because it's like, oh yeah. So she doesn't know that she is now the provider for the household and is for the foreseeable future.

30:23Shayne Topp:I hope she finds out. And like you, and I bet he knows this is a terrible idea because why else would he keep it secret? It's true off my chest. He literally is like, well, this Reddit is like an anonymous thing, but it's also like, no.

30:39Ian Hecox:I think we've read, we've definitely read another story about a guy who is trying to get into streaming. And like, I just think it is, people do not realize how hard it is to break into these industries, right? Like people clown on streamers of like, oh, it's an easy job. And it's like, think about what you want of how, if the job is easy or not. It is one of the hardest jobs to like get a following and make money off of.

31:03Shayne Topp:I mean, at least like start a TikTok first and then use that TikTok to market the stream. but to just be a streamer where are your viewers coming from yeah right i do get frustrated when

31:15Ian Hecox:people are like oh it's the easiest job on the planet i'm like it's it's really it's it's not there are harder jobs right sure but there's a lot more know-how that goes into it because like you're saying it's like every streamer i know they really know how to like you have to know marketing you have to know like yeah the know-how of all the platforms you have to know how to put yourself out there how to like clip things and put them and make get people's interest you have to know what games you should be playing what are hot right now like what's working but also like

31:43Shayne Topp:you say you say like there are other there are harder jobs out there yes and those jobs pay money yeah like streaming as a job doesn't pay it technically doesn't pay anything it won't pay anything until you are one of the biggest streamers in which you're not even being paid really for like ad revenue that like running on your stream you're being paid for like brand deals and stuff mostly also like insurance anything to help out his family

32:14Ian Hecox:oh my god it's also a job that has no guarantee he could have a successful month where he's like I've got viewers and then they could go away this is not a sustainable future this makes me really mad because of the three year old yeah absolutely it would make me mad no matter what if this guy was single if I knew this guy and he's like I'm quitting my job to stream I'd be like you should keep your job and you should stream when you can. Well, he wouldn't be able to do this without his wife's paycheck. I know. And she doesn't realize she's supporting his thing. That is upsetting. Comments. That's such a horrible thing to do.

32:49Ian Hecox:You do absolutely nothing for your household and a liar too. Damn. Okay. Someone said you are being a really, really bad husband. If I was your wife, I would not care if you started making money doing this because I would be heartbroken that you lied and deceived me and not over something small over quitting your job the entire financial burden is now on her and she doesn't even know what if she decides to quit or gets fired you guys would be up shit's creek without a paddle not being dramatic but i would leave you over this this is insanity someone said yikes yeah you're lying to your wife and putting both of your financial futures at risk chances are you will never make a significant amount of money from twitch you just won't for the vast majority of people any kind of content creation is a hobby not a career ciao dude Whoa, they're going hard.

33:35And you know what? Absolutely. He deserves it. Yeah, man. And the only thing, he never even expressed like, oh, shoot, this is all my wife or whatever. He's like, I've always wanted to do this and I do kind of feel bad. Like he never really expressed remorse that bad.

33:50Shayne Topp:I feel like, I know this is going a bit extreme, but I feel like he's not cut out to be a dad. Like, or to be a parent. Like, I think, you know, you can't just make those kinds of self. It's a selfish decision because, you know, it's always been my dream to be a streamer. Brother, you have a three year old child. Like the kid comes first. Always. I don't think it's a crazy take. Like the kid should come first. Why are you pursuing your your dreams at the risk of your child's life? I agree. Or at least like if you have a kid, you and your partner are in like a massive partnership and everything needs to be discussed.

34:35Ian Hecox:Yeah, for sure. Everything is a group decision. Yeah. Also, it's just it's like it's like we know this guy has no viewers right now because he just started doing this. He's like, yeah, this is my dream. I'm like, no, man, you just wanted to have no responsibility and play video games in your office. Yeah, it's possible. Come on, man. Like you're not treating this like a job. Right. Talking about this like a job. You're talking about it like I just want to go in there and play video games. It makes me so sad that he's in a closed office and the wife is probably like, oh yeah, we can't go in there and disturb daddy because he's working.

35:02Oh, this like gets me.

35:04Ian Hecox:I know. Let's find him. Well, we have an update. And I think it's from - An up, Craig. You're never, it's going to be years from now. I'm done. No, I'm done. We're going to be in our 60s and we're going to reconnect after years and you're going to be like - Reconnect? Okay. We're breaking up? No. Maybe I'll run, we'll see each other in our 60s and then all of a sudden I'll be like, oh, Amanda, and they'll be like, up, Craig. We'll run into each other in Croatia or something, I guess, after we've broken up and reconnected. We're both at a restaurant. I see you from across the way and I go, oh, Amanda.

35:42And I go like this. And that's it.

35:45Shayne Topp:Is that how Batman does it? We're going to end like Batman. All I can think about is Christian Bale. And what's his name? Why do we get up again?

35:55Ian Hecox:Batman begin thank you alright Batman up crack

36:03Ian Hecox:alright update and I think it's from a good time afterwards because he writes I know I'll probably get flamed but I get it I understand that I am the one who ruined my life and my marriage my divorce was finalized a year ago she found out about six months after I posted he let this go on for six months he's not good

36:21Shayne Topp:the job market's hard out there you know I was just, he's still really trying to find that job.

36:26Ian Hecox:I understand that I was wrong and that I screwed up. I regret my stupidity so much. She left our flat with our daughter and went to live with her sister and hired a solicitor. And that was it. Don't be stupid like me. We've been divorced for a year and I found out she just started dating again. I'm gutted. I miss her. I miss my daughter because she only lives with me half the time. Whenever I see my wife's sister or other members of her family, they give me the stink eye. I can't believe I was such a lazy fuck while she was out there busting her ass as a paramedic. I understand why everyone hates me and sided with her.

36:55Ian Hecox:I know I'll get judged either way, but I'm posting in case anyone understands what I'm going through and being gutted when your ex starts dating again. Well, now I'm just sad. I don't, I don't care. Yeah.

37:08Shayne Topp:I'm just kind of like, Hey man, like actually really happy that his wife was like peace. Yeah. I mean, I felt like it was kind of inevitable. Like he really set himself up for failure.

37:18Ian Hecox:It's borderline like, were you sabotaging your life? But, uh, very possible. I don't really, yeah, it's kind of like, all right, man, your sob story. I'm like, what are you doing? Like, what are you doing for your daughter now? What are you doing for your own life now? I don't want to hear about how sad you are that she's dating again. Like, that's part of divorce. You didn't care about your marriage when you were in it. Oh, to divorce when your child is three, this is really, really hard. He doesn't care about his daughter. He's not talking about his daughter here. He's talking about himself.

37:44He's like, damn, she's seen someone else.

37:45Ian Hecox:He's like, ah, my life is so awful. That's it. That's all he's thinking about. I'm like, hey, man, aren't you like oh you know what I realized it was really stupid yes I screwed up but I really am trying to be the best father I can be to my daughter and I'm working on all this like this is what

37:59Shayne Topp:I'm going through I'm just like okay dude and the uh and the man that the uh the ex-wife is now

38:07Ian Hecox:dating xqc what my my ex-wife is now dating queso and I'm gutting he's so funny so many viewers oh twitch streamer these are twitch streamers no no no totally people that made no I got it like careers no I got it yeah yeah crazy no I got it it's super cool alright she's probably dating a paramedic come on or doctor doctor oh yeah of course a helicopter pilot oh my god and her and her daughter are like flying over the waterfalls in Kauai and they're like oh look at that so cool she's like you're so awesome and he's like I love you yeah

38:46Shayne Topp:and then what oh my god they've said I love you to each other Up Creek Up Creek Oh they're gonna need A wedding cake pretty soon I think we know someone He's done Oh yeah Done Cause yeah The wheat intolerance Yeah

39:01Ian Hecox:Shoot Our next story This comes from True Off My Chest And it was posted in 2025 July of 2025 Whoa Getting a little more recent Than 2012 PSA If you're the friend Who blocks guys From talking to your Attractive friend You're not protecting anyone You're just being controlling. Whoa. What? All right. I need to vent about something that happened last weekend, and I'm curious if other guys have experienced this. I'm 31, have a decent career, been told I'm good looking, and generally don't have issues meeting people. I've had my fair share of success dating and usually feel pretty confident in social situations.

39:37Ian Hecox:But last Saturday at this club downtown, I encountered something that just blew my mind. There was this absolutely stunning woman at the bar. Let's call her Sarah. She was clearly interested, making eye contact, smiling when I looked at her, the whole nine yards. So I walk over to introduce myself, and immediately this other woman, let's call her Fridge. What the hell? Jesus Christ. What a nightmare. Yeah, he's doing a lot of work. Fridge? Yeah, man, I'm really listening to your PSA right now. Fridge? So I walk over to introduce myself, and immediately this other woman, let's call her Fridge. This ugly skank.

40:11Shayne Topp:Yeah.

40:12Ian Hecox:Literally steps between us. She's not interested. The fridge says, arms crossed like a bouncer. But here's the thing. Sarah was clearly interested. She was giving me the look, you know. She even tried to step around her friend to continue our conversation. But the fridge kept repositioning herself like some kind of human wall. This went on for 20 minutes. This is very funny. Yeah. This went on for 20 minutes. 20 minutes? Brother, just walk away. Yeah. Every time I tried to have a normal conversation with Sarah, the fridge would interrupt with, She has a boyfriend. She didn't. She's not looking to meet anyone tonight.

40:47Ian Hecox:She obviously was. Or just physically blocking access. The most frustrating part? Sarah looked genuinely annoyed with her friend's behavior, too. At one point, she literally mouthed sorry to me over the fridge's shoulder. I've seen this before, but never this extreme. It's like some women have appointed themselves as the official gatekeeper to their attractive friends. They act like they're protecting them, but from what? A normal conversation with a respectful guy? Look, I get it. Yeah, respectful guy that refers to a woman as a fridge. The dumpster was blocking me again. God, I'm a knight. Look, I get it if a guy is being creepy or aggressive, then absolutely step in.

41:24Ian Hecox:But I was being completely respectful. Sarah was clearly interested, and this woman was just blocking for the sake of blocking. I genuinely don't understand the psychology here. The worst part is that it's not just hurting the guy. It's taking away Sarah's ability to make her own decisions about who she wants to talk to. Honestly, it's making me want to avoid group approaches entirely. walk away.

41:45Shayne Topp:Yeah. Yeah. What? Also, like, he's, this is an unreliable narrator, too. Absolutely. This is such unreliable. Sarah's like, sorry, I really want to talk to you, but the fridge is blocking me. I'm so sorry. Oh, my God. The friend is awful. Yeah. And I could even see her, I guess I could see her still saying sorry just to, like, not be, not, you know, the whole thing of, like, we don't know. Yeah, you don't want to piss off a random man at a bar because, because things happen. It'd be scary. So, so like, yeah, her friend running defense and then Sarah being like, sorry, like I could see that. Yeah.

42:26Like also he said she had a boyfriend, but then he was like, Oh, she didn't.

42:31Ian Hecox:And he goes in pro this is she didn't. It's like, how do you know? Did she say that she didn't? Also, was she really like looking at him? I, I have a hard time believing that too, because as we know, like some guys will take like the smallest little thing and be like oh she's in love with me and

42:45Shayne Topp:she wants to have sex with me or she was looking at him because she's like why does this guy keep staring at me you know or she could be scared do we do we know each other yeah there's a million

42:54Ian Hecox:explanations yeah um real quick the top comment i think really kind of nails this in a way i've had friends run interference before without me asking them to but if i was ever interested in someone they never did this sarah obviously never corrected her friend yes she wasn't interested Most of us don't like men who refer to women as fridges. More at six. It's a good use of that. Yeah, him trying to sell us on this, but referring to a woman as the fridge. Referring to the woman that he's not interested in as an object. I'm like, yeah, I think this tells me everything I need to know. As a woman, it is a rite of passage that you are going to have those friends, those sisters who fight for you on your behalf, whether you want it or not.

43:41It's just like part of the deal. And sometimes it's like, hey, I can handle myself. And sometimes it's like, hey, thanks for taking care of me. Like, it just happens. But it's honestly up to Sarah to be like, I'm not interested. And if this went on for 20 minutes, I have a feeling that if Sarah's friends with The Fridge, if she was interested in this guy, she'd be like, oh, okay. Hey, you know, back down, Amy is probably her name. and she's probably like, okay, back down. I got it. I actually was kind of interested. And also, if she was interested, you know who's going to know first? The fucking friend.

44:18She's going to go, that guy's cute. Oh shit, he's coming over. She probably went, oh fuck, this guy's coming over. Oh God, oh God, this is going to be so awkward. And the friend was like, I got it. Don't you worry about it.

44:34Shayne Topp:Don't you worry about it. I just don't know, like, how does something like this continue for 20 minutes i don't know what's the conversation

44:43Ian Hecox:there but but but i just want to but but i know the the amount of times i've i've not seen it but i've heard about just men being relentless yeah like forever oh this has absolutely happened to me and my little sister has been like bro if you don't back up i'm gonna do something and he's like okay so anyways they don't it doesn't there's a video and it could be staged but I've heard of this happening to people there's a video of it's New Year's like New Year's like right as the ball drops there's these girls celebrating together and they're like cheering because the fireworks are going off and this guy walks up to try to talk to them and they're truly just trying to ignore him and just be like woo and he just doesn't leave and it's as like It's so awkward.

45:33Ian Hecox:And they're just trying to cheer. It's midnight. And he's truly just there trying to talk to them. And he's acting like, you guys are being ridiculous. You like champagne? God, you guys are awful. It's like they're having a moment. They're doing their thing. It's kind of agonizing. Especially at a bar where there's alcohol. It's like, if this guy's already clueless, and then he's a couple drinks in and he's more clueless. Just because we're dressed up, We want to show off our bodies. We want to have a good time with our friends in a public space does not mean it's for you, bitches. It's for us.

46:09Yeah. It's for our friends. And if it's for you, trust me, you will know. If we want it, you will know.

46:18Shayne Topp:We will make it. No, I'm pretty sure it was for me. I'm pretty sure it was all for me. We will make it so clear. Like, what is the deal? And also, you know what I also hate is when people overcorrect. when they like literally like, well, I couldn't go up to you because like, you know, the Me Too movement and everything. It's like, yes. Okay. There's that too. But it's just like, trust me, you will know when we want to give you the time.

46:43Ian Hecox:Nobody has a problem with him going up the first time and being like, hey, and being told like no and be like, all right. No, we're good. And the friend said it. Yeah. It's like, fine. It's like, all right. If Sarah's really interested, you made the move and she'll be like, actually, I do want to talk to him. Okay. But then you hold off and like, hey, if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen, man. Like, stop bothering them. That's the issue is like, I don't like I don't want men to be so afraid that they have to like cower. But if your friend is singing. I think there's as someone who is afraid of making people uncomfortable.

47:16Ian Hecox:I also think it's been a bullshit tactic sometimes of making women feel bad for the boundaries that are set where it's like, well, we're pointing out that it's uncomfortable. And the guys are going, well, because you guys have set boundaries. Now, we can't say anything. It's like, okay. And it's like, we're human beings. So when you go up to a human being and you test the waters and they say, no, thank you, go, okay, great. I'm going to leave now. Done and done. It's as simple as that. But their egos get involved. They feel so rejected. So this guy probably just stood there. And they probably had their setup, their drinks.

47:51They probably waited for a spot at the bar. they're like well we're not leaving right and he probably just stood there forever also yeah this

48:00Ian Hecox:guy's writing a whole reddit post about this interaction it's just like hey man let it go like i'm sorry like it's another day go there's a bunch of people out there if you're going to bars like also she's friends with the fridge so if you even got in a date with her exactly guess who's gonna show up the fridge the fridge is there she's gonna pick up her friend but it's He has no respect for anybody. This is so annoying. Another comment says, I hope there's a fridge, stove, dishwasher, butcher block, craftsman tool chest, and Jeep Grand Cherokee surrounding all your future conquests. Jeep Grand Cherokee?

48:37Yeah, you gotta watch out for that one. What, that one?

48:39Ian Hecox:That's if the fridge had a gun. You're dead.

48:44Ian Hecox:Lastly, someone says, I'm a woman and I've seen this play out multiple times in club settings. Sarah did not want you and her friend was running interference. The friend was playing bad cops so they could safely reject people like you. You know how many men probably came up to her wanting to talk and also had to be rejected? And now here you are running to Reddit about it, thinking you have it all figured out. Tale as old as time, you know nothing about how women operate.

49:05Shayne Topp:Yeah, there's just this like sense of entitlement of like, I'm entitled to this stranger's time. Absolutely. And it's like, and I think you make a really good point, Amanda, of being like, it's okay to like go up and say hi and introduce yourself. There's nothing wrong with that. Absolutely. But anything past that point is entitlement. Absolutely. Thinking that you're entitled to this person's time. You know, it's not the easiest thing for us to go, hey, I'm not interested. No, thank you. It's not the easiest thing in the world. It's awkward. It's uncomfortable. We don't want to deal with that either.

49:40So when we say it, we're saying it because we have enough respect for the moment and ourselves to be like, hey, like, no worries, all good. But like, I have a boyfriend or whatever. And then when you fucking react like that, it's like, all right. Yeah. This is not simpatico. We're not on the same page. Time to call the Jeep Grand Cherokee.

50:02Shayne Topp:Yeah. Yeah. Now I have to fight. And now my night's ruined.

50:07Ian Hecox:Yeah. Yeah. All right. Our next story. Oh, wow. Is a confession that came from January of 2025. I carry pumpkin seeds in my pocket and plant them everywhere I go. I've been doing this for over 20 years this is the type of confession I love I love Johnny Appleseed the pumpkin man ew that sounds so creepy Johnny Pumpkin Seed ew sounds like Mr. Pumpkins from SNL remember Mr. S. Pumpkins his um his own thing I fucking love that sketch so much

50:42Shayne Topp:I've actually never seen it

50:43Ian Hecox:David S. Pumpkins

50:45Shayne Topp:I've actually never seen the sketch

50:46Ian Hecox:Tom Hanks My millennial ass loves that skin so much. I think it's so funny because it's absurd. There's nothing happening. It makes no sense. That's why I love it. And it's Tom Hanks. Yeah. It's so good, man. You got to watch it. It's so good. All right. Okay. I carry pumpkin seeds in my pocket and plant them everywhere I go. I've been doing this for over 20 years. There is no reason that I do this other than I find it funny. I hear whispers. I don't know how a pumpkin grew here. Oh, well, I never run out of seeds. I got pumpkin patches across the country. till next time lend a hand leave a smile what i don't trust this person i will say can i can i be honest um what he's doing is is harmless maybe even benevolent i do think there's something about this guy that is more sinister in nature than everybody else i think he sounds like a villain i think this guy is yeah he's like he's like these little seeds need some fertilizer yeah

51:44Shayne Topp:And he's got like bodies in the trunk. We have nothing to point that he is a bad person. He's planting a seed with a human finger in there. Oh my God.

51:52Ian Hecox:If it comes out, like there's an update. It's like, actually, we're the police. We found this guy. He's murdered many people. Well, you go to a pumpkin patch and he's like, this is all mine. I hate this. This is my land. This is hilarious. I kind of can't with this man. It's something about it being pumped.

52:09Shayne Topp:What's his name? Charles. I wish it was a more edible food. because like most people most people don't eat pumpkins. Like a squash guy? I'm into that. Pumpkin puree, really good for you. Yeah, but people don't do that. Yeah, it's so cute. People always just like Halloween, they just throw their pumpkins away. They don't even keep the seeds usually. He's like, oh my God, it's Halloween. Let's dig into them and carve them up.

52:31Ian Hecox:I always bake the seeds. Oh yeah, pepitas? Seeds are so good. Pepitas. They're so good. You make pepitas? Yeah, I do. Put a little salt on them. Nice. Love them. What would pumpkin guy think about that? I guess it'd be atrocious to him because he likes to plant the seeds. Yeah, he likes to plant them and see what grows and then take over the land. I feel like pumpkins, though, wouldn't, how well do they grow in most environments? I don't think anything's growing in his path. I think he's, I think nothing's grown. He's like, I visited again and there was a city built. I like how he's like, I hear whispers, how did a pumpkin grow here?

53:00Ian Hecox:I'm like, you're revisiting the scene of the crime like a serial killer. Oh, no. The whispers, the whispers are not a good people.

53:06Shayne Topp:I kind of feel like we should all plant pumpkins around our places of residence and see if it works. Wait, that means he's going to show up.

53:18Ian Hecox:I don't think there's any. I would have a hard time believing that pumpkins would grow in L.A. We have days that reach like 105 degrees nowadays. Wouldn't that kill it? This is really creepy to me.

53:27Shayne Topp:My gourd knowledge is not good, so I don't know. I don't know about. What? It's not a gourd. It's not gourd. Oh, I'm sorry. My pumpkin knowledge is not good. It's not gourd. It's not gourd. It's not good. Okay. Anyways.

53:40Ian Hecox:Anyways. All right. It's not very gourd. Comments. Someone said Johnny pumpkin seed. We already said that. We already said that. We're way ahead of you. Someone said, we reply. Fuck you. We already said that. Someone said, I have a buddy who does this in downtown Detroit with sunflower seeds. He plants them in sad looking places and goes back and takes photos once they grow. Okay. Well, that's sweet. I've heard of people doing this. Something about flowers feels better. Sunflower guy sounds fun. Flowers. I've seen people do it with wildflowers. Yes. That's sweet. As long as they're local, if you do it with local wildflowers, I approve.

54:12Ian Hecox:Yeah. Okay. Someone said, so it was you. A random pumpkin grew at my apartment complex. Learned the hard way. The stems are spiky. Oh, so he is sinister in nature. We knew it. He's trying to take over the US of A. He's a Batman villain. Yeah. Oh my God. Definitely. What does he wear? Overalls? Yeah. Probably. I like overalls. The farmer. But not on this side. With a straw hat. I finally found you, pumpkin man. We brought up Batman again, you guys. Yeah, everything's Batman. Yeah. Lastly, someone said, oh, where have you done your distribution? As a newlywed, put in a flower garden out front, but somehow ended up with a very enthusiastic cherry tomato bush and a horking huge pumpkin.

54:53Ian Hecox:Neighbors... Fuck. Horking? I also don't like the person. Who are all these people? Horton hears a who. I built a garden. somehow pumpkin guy not the worst person now it's this lady making a garden yikes my horking huge pumpkin neighbors literally would stop to see if it was real probably 25 to 30 pounds and we made masses of pumpkin puree from it hey you keep doing this you may have just inspired me too op responded only in the usa so far but i fear i've said us of a only in the usa so far but i fear I've said too much. The villain side of me wishes to reveal everything while the magician side wishes to reveal nothing.

55:36Ian Hecox:I feel torn. Till next time, lend a hand, leave a smile. Sincerely, Carl. Carl! Did I say Charlie? You said Charles! Why does he keep signing off? He keeps saying that and I feel something happening. It's like if you watch this for seven days, you're gonna get... Don't say that phrase again. What do you say? Help a hand, leave a smile? All of a sudden, I'm talking, all of a sudden I go, oh, I don't mind coming out of that. And I go, Horton, here's a That's a horkin' huge

56:02Shayne Topp:vine coming out of you. And the vine goes through me and it goes through Ian. Oh no. And then the pumpkins grow here. And then Ian just goes, Pepitas. Pepitas. Now we got lots of pepitas. Carl is way worse. Because Charles is like, okay, he's kind of fun, a little proper. Carl is like...

56:23Ian Hecox:Carl is sinister. Carl. Carl the pumpkin man he wears overalls and like big boots

56:31Shayne Topp:somebody needs to make fan art of Carl I want to see Carl the pumpkin Johnny pumpkin seed

56:40Ian Hecox:despise him someone must stop don't ever say his phrase again help a hand no that's not even it lend a hand leave a smile leave a smile

56:54Shayne Topp:Are you crazy? Leave a smile. You're letting the demon in. Well, we're not talking in the mirror, so Biggie Smalls won't.

57:02Ian Hecox:One more comment from Carl. Someone commented, LMAO, I just came from a dark and sad thread outlining the dark future of America. And your post completely changed my brainwave. Thanks so much. Keep doing you, boo. And Carl responded. Oh, no. This is becoming a creepypasta. He responded, even if we enter an apocalyptic type world, there will always be dark and always be light. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. I find it where I can. I find peace in little moments. I hope you find peace too, fellow traveler. Lend a hand. Leave a smile. No! Sincerely, Carl.

57:36Shayne Topp:Shane! Ian's going! Ian! No! Ian! No! Ian! Oh, he's gone.

57:42Ian Hecox:He spoke. They commented to me like, yeah, I'm really nervous about the future of America. And he wrote like a... Dark times. As if he's like a prophet of the future. Dark times are important, my little one. Dark times are coming. My little seed. Dark times are good. We must plant you to - We must plant the seeds of positivity for the future. Ugh, I hate this. Carl will kill us all.

58:02Shayne Topp:What if Carl saves us from the apocalypse? No, he won't. When everything collapses, the pumpkins are the only things that sustain us.

58:12Ian Hecox:Yeah, what if one day we wake up and on the news, it's like, oh my God, Trump, Putin, and Netanyahu all found with pumpkins growing out of their faces. It's like, oh, what happened? This is The Last of Us so hard right now. The Last of Us, but pumpkin. But pumpkin. I will say, we kind of called it. Your first intro to this, we were like, oh, he's a villain. And he said the words himself. He said he's a villain, but also a magician. A magician. Which is worse. Oh, what is he making disappear? Children? Us? Wait, I'm spooked. I'm scared. I'm Horkin scared. I'm Horkin scared. I'm a newlywed.

58:52Shayne Topp:We have one final quick story here. We were going to cut and end the show, but we just got the go-ahead. We could do this last story, so this is a bonus.

59:00Ian Hecox:All right. This comes from Well That Sucks. This was posted in March of this year. This was posted two days ago as of recording this. Sent this confession to the wrong Kelly. Wrong. So they have multiple Kellys in their contacts. Sent it to the wrong one. They go, they write, this is a text. I'm extra pissed today because my coochie lips keep falling out of my underwear and it keeps chafing crying emoji. Oh my God. I mean, look, we've all been there. And Kelly responds, no, I totally get that. That's the worst. OP responds with a crying emoji and then laughing crying emoji. And then Kelly responds, it's always great when it happens at the gym too.

59:48Ian Hecox:crying emojis like sad like oh yeah oh geez they go no and then they respond op responds no wrong kelly i'm so sorry oh my god kelly's such a good sport yeah kelly's a real one which kelly is this i don't know and how did they know how did they like i think they just realized after a minute i was just like yeah different last name but they were just like that i totally get it it's the worst yeah i love them i mean they were also like and at the gym right you said i don't think you sent it to the wrong Kelly. I think you sent it to the right Kelly. Yeah. They yes and and they're like, there's always, I've always wanted to talk to you about this actually.

1:00:24Shayne Topp:Yeah. I've been meaning to actually. Wrong Kelly? Wrong my ass. I'm the right Kelly.

1:00:29Ian Hecox:Comments. Someone said, I like Kelly better than OP. OP said, me too to be honest. Someone said, you'd better pivot this into a stronger friendship with the wrong Kelly. Someone said, seems like it was the right Kelly to be honest. Someone said, at least she was a homegirl about it. I'd be mortified but relieved to know someone can relate opie said that was basically the turn of events then i had to tell the internet about it i have to know who this kelly is is she like her you know teacher when she was younger i we don't

1:00:57Shayne Topp:know anything about therapist we can only assume whoever it was i mean they're very helpful i mean you could almost say that she lent a hand and left a smile that's not and now he's gonna kill us

1:01:09Ian Hecox:and i can't believe you said it again yeah sucks that's the new smosh motto i never want to see a pumpkin in my life. We're going to put it in the new studio. Don't leave a smile.

1:01:20Shayne Topp:Yeah, big neon. And I'm like, I can't wait.

1:01:23Ian Hecox:On the next Reddit set.

1:01:26Shayne Topp:It's been covered in pumpkin vines.

1:01:28Ian Hecox:On the new Reddit set, which you're going to see next Saturday, it will be right above bed. No! And we're just going to have a whole thing of cake. Yeah. Hillsbury Doughboy cake. Doughboy. I'll be a Doughboy for Halloween. Up, Craig.

1:01:44Shayne Topp:That's giving you the new mug. I would say that's really insensitive if you dress up as a doughboy. You think? It's extremely. Isn't he basically naked the whole time with like a little sash? He doesn't even have a sash. Yeah, he's just going full. I think he's just fully. He's full, dude. But he has a hat. He has a hat. He has a hat. Well, that's fine. I'm like, happy Halloween. Everyone's like, cover her up. She's naked with a hat.

1:02:05Ian Hecox:Hide him. Anyways, thank you both for joining me for these confessions. Thank you. Anytime. This is crazy. Are we safe? No. Okay. Anyways, and thank you all for watching And we'll see you next Saturday Goodbye Bye pumpkin Lend a hand, leave a smile Stop saying it