Couples Therapy: Reddit Edition | Reading Reddit Stories

23:39Eric laughed. Eric? Comments. Hi, I'm a therapist. Please report her. Her behavior is... Yeah, right. Perfect. Every comment on this video should be, hi, I'm a therapist. I liked this video. It's always... Hi, I'm a therapist. It's the crow scientist meme. Whenever you reference anything, there's going to be an expert in the comments. There just always will be. Hi, I'm a therapist. Please report her. Her behavior is ridiculously unethical and who knows what else she has done or if she even should be allowed to practice. not the asshole times a million. Someone said the normal rule is no dating patients within 12 months of the last encounter, correct?

24:16Not sure if that's a legal or just an in-house rule. Someone said even if the marriage slash relationship was a year after, I bet OP's fella started banging this therapist after the first few meetings. Very unprofessional. If I were OP, I wouldn't hesitate to report them. Are there any professional bodies that can prevent her practicing though? I don't know if they can be struck off like a surgeon or doctor who is guilty of malpractice. I'm sorry, there's something, there's a weird taste in my mouth where I don't you shouldn't be dating your therapist that's a hard line especially a couples therapist who was like supposed to be helping you like mend your relationship with this partner and then are dating them within a phase or like just take some time it feels like it happened at the jump yeah she said before a year of them breaking up oof They got married.

25:08It's like, I get it. You can find love in a hopeless place, right? Like, what if you did fall in love, right? But, like, give it some space. That's wild. But that paired with what she was saying to her. Yes, no, you're right. You need to report her because this is someone who is not taking their job seriously. Yeah. They're taking advantage of their position. Yeah. And they harmed you. Like, it caused her, like, mental harm. This person could harm someone else. Like, they've shown that they're willing to do it. so I think you need to report it. Update. Oh my God. Wow, thank you everyone for your responses.

25:44I realize that as the ex, it is pretty much impossible for it to not seem like I'm jealous slash petty slash bitter, whatever you want to say. However, it is also impossible to have sat in those sessions and then see your therapist and ex get married and have zero feelings about, regardless of having moved on. Please give me a break. I'm human. Anyway, I have made my decision. I am not going to participate in this post anymore, but I sincerely thank those of you that made meaningful contributions. Update number two. Thank God. Okay. So one of my friends has basically taken it upon herself to investigate this therapist.

26:14I swear she should be in the FBI, LOL. She found out that this is the third last name that this woman has practiced psychotherapy with. Under the first last name in 2014, she was charged with a DUI with property damage. She also comes up on health grades with five one-star reviews and an overall three-star rating. Essentially, what this new information does for me has confirmed that she has been a shitty human being with shitty morals for quite some time. There's no way this is the first time she has caused undue harm to a client. Therefore, I can say with certainty that I am reporting. Yes. And that's the last update.

26:47No. Sorry. I hope that led somewhere. This is a, as of us recording this, this is a rather recent post. So maybe something will come of it. Maybe by the time this airs, there's another update. I want this to be like a limited series with Nicole Kidman. She's the therapist. And you side with her, but then you go, wait. You're crazy. The protagonist is a little bit the enemy. It really sucks that therapists are also people. So there's a lot of bad ones. Yeah. That's always unfortunately the situation. And what sucks is then that becomes a reason people used to go, well, I'm not going to go to therapy.

27:28I know. I know someone who had a bad therapist. There are bad therapists. Yeah. It is a process of like finding, but I hate that there's like truly dangerous people out there taking advantage. Like three last name changes? Yeah, red flag. All right, let's move on. Our next story comes from Am I the Asshole. Am I the Asshole for walking out on a double date my friends set up with him, his girlfriend, and a girl I had already rejected before? Oh, no. This is on the friends already. You got to vet that shit. No. You need to do your FBI work. Bad friends. Ooh. I feel like I need to say this for this post not to be removed.

28:10This is not about the date, about relationships or something. I want a judgment on me walking out of there. Okay. Cast. Me, 25, male. Joe, 26, male. Jane, 24, female. To give you a little background to the situation, I met Jane through Joe's girlfriend at her birthday party last year. At first, Jane was fun to talk to, but not even an hour later, Jane was really into me and tried really badly to hit on me during the party, which pretty much ruined my time there as the feeling was not mutual in the slightest bit. Also at the time, I was already with someone. So the first impression I got from Jane was that she was clingy, annoying, and just wouldn't stop bothering me.

28:47Oh my God. Damn, dude. Unfortunately for me, she became part of my larger friend group because she is part of Joe's girlfriend's friend group. That is a mouthful sheesh. And because me and Joe hang out a lot and I am also friends with his girlfriend. I pretty much run into her at least twice a month. So the first time Jane asked me out was a month after that party. I informed her I was with someone and not interested. She tried again two months later when I broke up with my then girlfriend. Again, I declined her advances and told her I was not interested. I got into a new relationship not long after, but unfortunately she and I broke up about two months ago.

29:20Since then, as you might've anticipated, Jane has asked me out again. I said no, again. Well, that brings us to this week. Everything has been opening up here. This was written about 2020. And Joe has been trying to fix me up with a friend of his girlfriend and would not tell me who. He is well aware of me having rejected Jane multiple times and the fact I am not interested in her. He knows this in detail. After a lot of what he calls convincing and I call whining, I had no interest in dating anytime soon, I relented and decided to agree to this double date idea of his. We agree on meeting at Joe's apartment and lo and behold, Joe, his girlfriend, and Jane are occupying the dinner table, obviously intending for my date to be Jane.

30:01I honestly just got so damn angry that I couldn't even get a single word out, turned around, and left. I have been bombarded with texts and calls about how much of a douche I am and how terribly I hurt Jane and so on. And I am just like, I literally rejected her like three times. I am not interested in her. You knew that. Your girlfriend knew that. Our entire friend group has a running joke about Jane being obsessive for fuck's sake. so literally everyone knows it. So am I the asshole? No. No. I don't think so. Immediately, no. I think this is a good situation and I try not to say this too often.

30:36If the roles were reversed, it'd be like, oh my God. That's creepy. Like, what the hell? This guy has asked you out three times. You keep rejecting him and now your friends set him up without telling you? You're right. I think there's that feeling of like unsafeness whereas with a girl, it's like, oh, come on, she's homeless. It's Jane, like, don't worry. It's like, hey man, like, I've rejected her three times. She's not listening to me. And you're not owed my time or attention. Yeah, that's, and it's really more like he's, I think it's fair he's walking out on his friends being so disrespectful of him.

31:06That's what it is mainly. It's just like, listen to me. Just hear me out. Yeah, they completely, it's that thing of like, well, you don't know what's good for you. We know what's good for you. It's like, come on, man. And there's one part of that where that person could say that to him, but then to force it in front of him and put him in an awkward position. Like I even understand this person being upset with his friend being like, please give Jane another shot. Like I'm being like, please stop. But then to just like not even do that and just like literally force it. Yeah, I've never had this type of situation happen.

31:43It definitely happens for me in the gay community too. and people just waiting to take advantage of your boundaries. They'll like stay around you just so that opportunity might arise. Yeah. Maybe if I have enough to drink or maybe if I'm like out on the right night, they'll get lucky or some shit. That's, yeah. Or I struggle with like if I don't have someone I'm seeing during that, another person, like this OP was seeing somebody and then that was, then they stopped seeing that person and then Jane went back in again. And sometimes I feel like people use people not being single as like a way. It's like sometimes you can just be said no to.

32:27You don't always need an obstacle of a person. Does that make sense? Like I feel like a lot of women, their no is more powerful when they have a boyfriend rather than their just no is a no. And like I found that a lot where like sometimes I will be more respected if I say I'm in a relationship, even if that's not true. and then it gets someone to actually disarm rather than me just saying like, oh, I'm so sorry, no. Yeah. So. I still cannot comprehend that people hear no and don't stop. Yeah. I've never comprehended it because for me, any sign of interest, and I know I go overboard where people don't say no, but I'm like, oh, but I'm inferring that they're not interested.

33:08And so I'm like, but as soon as I get like no or that I feel they're not interested, I'm like, all right, like. I'm out. I'm fully out. Yeah. I'm fully out in a way that I'm like, if they, if like the balls in their court, if they were like, hey, you know what? Actually, I'm interested. I'd be like, okay. But I'm not going to pursue in any sort of way. Not that I won't try to like be friends with someone. Yeah. That I don't see something. But romantically, I'm like, all right, I'm fully out. There's also the aspect, the friends are atrocious. Yeah. Because I do think, I think setting up friends with someone is a very kind, cool thing that people can do.

33:43but not someone that they've rejected multiple times. And the whole friend group knows? Yeah, and makes jokes about it but then does it? Uh-uh. And I also don't like when friends set you up or when friends are setting someone up because it's convenient for them because it's like, oh, we're all in a friend group. This will be, why can't you make this work? It's so easy. Jane's our friend because she's friends with my girlfriend. This was disrespectful. This was disrespectful to him. It was also disrespectful to Jane. I feel bad for Jane too. For them to do this. She's got these people in her head going like, just try it again.

34:11They're probably, I'm inferring here, they're probably reinforcing her. She's probably going, oh, like, he rejected me, but I'm really into him. And they're like, you know what? Just, like, give it some time. He's this way. Like, they need to, if they're a really good friend, they need to be telling Jane, like, you need to stop. He's rejected you three times. Stop. He's not into you. As your friend, that's important. And it's also as a friend being, like, respectful of your friend who's not into her and recognizing that. They were so disrespectful to both of them, and then they hurt both of them in the process.

34:45You guys ever been on double dates? I'm trying to think. Oh, yes, I've been on one double date. It was great. Yeah. I've never been on a blind date, so I've never been set up in a way that's like, oh, it's a blind date. No, that seems hard. I've only been set up with friends in that it's been fully transparent of like, oh, I have a friend who might be like, a thing. I mean, my double date story that I can think of that makes me understand this a little bit more is I had like friends, two best friends that were dating and then their best friends was the person I was dating. Like it was kind of like a best friend group a little bit.

35:26And there were times where I think when you're double dating your friends and everyone's dating in a friend group, you like want each relationship to be calibrated with the next. Like I remember there was like a, oh, we want to go on a trip. And I, in my relationship, wasn't ready for a trip. But our best friends in their relationship, they were ready for a trip. And it was kind of like, oh, let's force this because it would be fun as a group, like kind of like dating as a committee rather than like just genuinely one-on-one and one-on-one. But it's fun, right? And you're like, oh, we're all, this is like really fun.

35:59But I think sometimes it puts pressure on people. Like it sounds like Jane was pressured by these friends because they were like, we can all be this fun group and all be partners and all do stuff together. And it will be really fun, which it is. But then sometimes you lose sight of like, no, but by yourself, do you want to date Jane? No. Then don't date Jane, you know? Because what's worse is if you force a bad relationship and then you got, that will destroy a friend group. They're like fighting in front of everybody. Yeah, it's like, hey, don't make something, like you want people to be genuinely happy.

36:32Like, you should care, you should want your friends to be living their best lives. So you're just going to force them to something they don't want. The verdict is not the asshole. Yeah, no. Comments, not the asshole, but your friend obviously is. Setting someone up with someone who rejected that person is cruel. Not the fact that you turned around. I would honestly have done the same. Someone said, you've made your feelings more than clear to Jane and your friend as well. You had every right to leave, as you had already rejected her three times, and still she set herself up for rejection number four.

36:57You're not responsible for her hurt feelings at this point. Your friend should have known better than to blindside you with a date with someone who he knows full well you have zero interest in. Though if I might venture a guess, I'd say that the double date was 100 % Jane's and your friend's girlfriend's idea. And your friend most likely just got pressured into convincing you to come. OP said, even so, he is one of my best friends. He shouldn't be screwing me over like that. Even if it was 100 % their idea, I still blame Joe most. Lastly, someone said, not the asshole. You definitely made the right call by leaving.

37:28Jane is trying to force you into a relationship with her and if you give her even the slightest implication that there may be a chance she will continue pestering you with unwanted attention. She needed this very clear message that you are not interested in even entertaining the idea of dating her. Her feelings towards you do not entitle her to a shot with you if you aren't interested and you already told her several times that you weren't. This is honestly really disgusting behavior on Joe and his girlfriend's part and they should be apologizing to you. Update. Yay! A lot of them today. Updating.

38:00Yes, Shane. Yes. Yes, Shane, top. I float away. At any rate, like I said, here goes. It turns out that some of the more pessimistic of you were right. Jane was being obsessive and stalkerish, and it sort of all came tumbling down on her at that point. A week or so after I made my post, she decided to message me. It came down to her not understanding why I was showing interest in her and then refused to date her. I never showed interest in her beyond basic friendliness. A wall of text dedicated to thrashing my previous relationships and calling them all sorts of names, specifically pointing out how I dated the wrong girls, and a weird rant about how everyone agreed me and her were meant to be, which just isn't the case.

38:40Like I said in my previous post, there is a running joke in our friend group about how weird she is. Now, you might think this is something that could be expected, something that just happens, an outlet for her of sorts, except she sent it from the wrong account. See, I had become internet friends with a person in the past month or two, Me and her would game together, chat from time to time. You know, the usual organic internet friend situation. No! And the messages concerning our date were sent from this account. Turns out she had literally used this alias to infiltrate my internet friend group and keep tabs on me of sorts.

39:14Obviously, this freaked me the fuck out. I took screenshots of what she had sent me and afterwards blocked all accounts that I knew now she was using. I followed that up by sharing everything in our friend Discord and in our friend WhatsApp group so everyone could see which resulted in her being kicked from both. And I later got a call from Joe, full on apologetic, telling me he had no idea and he knew he shouldn't have done it, but that his girlfriend was being pressured by Jane. Turned out Jane had literally been bitching at her for months to arrange something like this, and she finally caved.

39:43Again, creepy stuff. And I told him that I needed some time as he really fucked me over big time and I didn't trust him anymore as a result. While Jane has been shunned by all friends, she still contacted me twice, once to apologize, which quickly turned into weird shit where she started talking about us. She seemed convinced there is an us and I am interested. The second time she contacted me was just a curse at me, both from random accounts. I'm not sure where to go from here and I am still pretty shook up. This, okay, I wanted to say that my instincts were right on the money. I didn't say anything, but I was like, it feels, as soon as he said that Jane was obsessive, I was like, it feels like she's like masterminding this shit.

40:21Like she's got all the friends in place, like fucking chess master or some shit. Like Jafar is what it's giving. It's like, I'm gonna - It's giving Jafar - I'm gonna get in charge of this whole kingdom so I can marry the princess. Yeah. Whoa, dude. The catfish side part? Yeah. Update? Side plot? Catfish side part update. Update side plot? The red flag of someone not taking a hint is really scary because it's like how far can they not take a hint? Yeah. It's literally like I can win. and you can't win love. That's not how it works. And it's also giving, it's my way or the highway. Like, I want this.

40:58I don't care if you don't. I'm going to find a way even if I have to change my damn name. That's crazy. And I don't like saying the C word. It kind of feels like, we can finally be together. We did it. It's me, Jane. Well, it's dangerous. It's dangerous behavior and it is really scary when someone thinks they know what's best for you. Yeah. And they go, well, no, I see us, but you don't see it. It's like, no. You said we don't have chemistry, but we work so well together in Overwatch. Yeah. We have so many team wins. It's like username Jafar. Not Jane. Not Jane. Jane Far. Yeah. Jane Far. Hot girl that isn't Jane.

41:47I have to tell you something. my name's not really Bane. It's Jane. Yeah, I think we've read so many stories that have to do with like catfishing. Yeah. Catfishing blows my mind. It is terrifying, but it's also extremely fascinating. I don't know if like real-time logic can be applied to it. Like I think it is, I mean this little, like it's a level of delusion that I don't think I can understand. I mean, to me, I can if I really really think about it I think it's like this girl Jane like wanted this level of connection with this person so badly that they didn't even care if they had to change themselves like or they had to like like hide behind I mean a lot of people hide behind something else in order to connect because she was getting the vibe obviously that she wasn't a connect but she was like but I know I can connect with this person what's what's really scary about it too is I feel like in all these situations where I read about this, I don't believe for a second that Jane actually knows who he is.

42:52No. It's, they're in love, they're obsessed with an idea that doesn't even exist. So, I don't know. It's, it's, it's really, really unhealthy. There's something in my head that's like, okay, so I'm thinking in the head of someone catfishing. It's like, oh, well, they'll get to know me, the real me. Right. So that the physical thing doesn't really matter. Yeah, like, I think, like, Honestly, if you track it all the way back, it's a deep need to connect. Yeah. And they will do that at any cost. And they're not really thinking about the last act where they have to kind of then be the person they are.

43:29It's probably addictive, too. It probably gives them a rush that they feel like they have what they want. Yeah. It's hard to just walk away from that. Attention. Yeah. All right. Our next story comes from Relationship Advice. My girlfriend, who's 21, and my brother, who's 20, are soulmates. Okay. Okay. Okay. Am I the asshole? Am I a jerk? I'm stealing money. Am I the asshole? And I just killed him. My girlfriend, who's 21, and I, 21-year-old man, have been dating for about seven months now. We both used to work at the same restaurant, and I asked her out. I've always felt like we were very different people, but that's what I liked about our relationship.

44:11I feel like I'm always learning something by being around her and trying my best to indulge in her interests. Three months ago, I introduced her to my family and they all seemed to like her, especially my brother, who's 20. I didn't really think much of it and was happy to see them get along since I'm very close to my brother. But I've realized over time that they just fit way better with each other. They both have the same interests in movies, books, music, sports, foods, you name it. Although my girlfriend was hesitant at first about it I encouraged her to go do things alone with my brother If it wasn't something I was really into And they both had a great time And I know just having the same hobbies sounds trivial But it's also their personalities They're both very free-spirited and adventurous And I can't help but notice that they look so much happier with each other than with me Sometimes I feel really out of place around them As if I'm not supposed to be there But I swear this is not out of jealousy I just genuinely think they're better for each other I love both of them and if this is what makes them happy, then I'd rather they date each other and let me move out of their way.

45:09I'm not exactly sure how to execute this or talk about this with either of them, though. How do I go about setting them up? Wait, what? This is like... I don't know how to respond to this. My dad is Philip Schuyler. The man is loaded and that's what it's giving. Hamilton? Yeah, setting it up with... Go with this instead. Here's my... Yeah, okay, wow. You like me? Here's my sibling. What? Yeah, it's giving satisfaction. This does feel like a Jane Austen situation. It's like, well, actually, my sister would be far more suited to you. Yeah. Like, what the hell? But usually in media, when we see this, I feel like it's the sister that's like, I kind of like the brother.

45:52It's weird that the person who's dating is like, I know I'm not a fit, and I know who is. It's just, you don't see this a lot. No. He wanted them to hang out one-on-one? There's a lot at play here. I mean, nothing bad has been done here. So it's like interesting. But one could maybe argue like this feels like self-sabotage a little bit. Yeah. One could maybe argue that. It could be that. It also could just be like, like maybe he just needs to get out of this relationship and not set her up. Like maybe he just needs to just like step away. Yeah. It's also like these are two people he cares about.

46:28So he loves both of these people. He's like, oh, you're both such great people. Oh, you'd be better off together. It's like, well, but if she doesn't want that, I don't know, there's a part of me that's like, it's a little disrespectful in the sense that he's assuming what's best for these people who are both telling him not the same thing. Yeah. I'm fascinated by this. Some comments. Your brother shaped you as well. You apparently connect well with people like him and like your girlfriend. So it's no wonder she's very much into you and possibly would be less into your brother than you think. Someone said, whoa, slow down.

47:04Your girlfriend probably has zero interest in your brother. People don't necessarily like being with someone like them. My husband is my polar opposite, thank God. And I would be absolutely miserable dating someone like me. I'm too annoying. Someone said, she might not want to date your brother. If you're not into her, break up. If she likes your brother, she'll pursue in her own time. But if my boyfriend came to me suggesting this, I'd run a mile. Yeah, I don't think there's any situation where he's going to make this happen that's not going to just destroy everything. Yeah. Like, you either need to say, oh, my girlfriend and I aren't right for each other and I'm going to break up, or you stay with it.

47:44There's no— You can't set someone up with your brother. Like, the person you've been dating for seven months. Seven months is a long time. Yeah. Seven months is a long time. That's way too long to be setting. Like, if you went on a couple dates with someone, and then you're like, oh, you know what? But like, I don't know. I don't know. There's no situation of this where I'm like, hey, you know what? This is a logical thing to do. I feel like my brother should be here instead of me. There's billions of people in the planet. Like, it's not just about being exactly the same as someone. Okay, there have been people.

48:16Okay, hold on, hold on. Let me hold on. There have been people where I would go on dates with them and on like the second or third date, I'd be like, you need to meet my friend because you need to be. And this happens, yeah. You need to date my friend, not me. I know exactly, like, you guys would be such a good match. And then I'll, like, I will figure out a way to make them be at the same party. And then they end up meeting and then they'll do whatever. Sure. But that's not my sibling, and it's not after seven. But there's also a little bit of you recognizing that the connection is maybe not perfect for you as well.

48:53This feels like he just keeps highlighting and encouraging the brother's relationship. where it's like, it's not about him. Like, I almost wonder if, and this might be too much, and this might be too me being theatrical, but like, is this relationship with his brother, does his brother, does he always think his brother is more deserving? Is that the household he grew up in? Like, is this just a pattern? You know what I mean? Like, I don't know. Could be. There's a million possibilities. This, just never read anything. Update me. There's no update. What? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's not fair when a lot of them have updates and then some don't.

49:33We were reading this in July and this was posted in July. This was very recent, so we might get an update eventually. But it's, as of now, no. This is wild. They're like happily married. But also, I do believe in a universe. Maybe I've watched too many like rom-coms. I agree. Where someone's like, you're perfect for my brother. I can't stop thinking this. Yeah. And then that's the meet cute. I agree completely. I feel like I've seen it in a million movies too. Or just like a weird way of meeting someone. This is like assuming a lot on behalf of her. It's really assuming. It's assuming what's best for people.

50:07And that is, sometimes I think it's very disrespectful. Yeah, especially if it's on the next social. You can't figure out what's right for you. You can't see that this is perfect for you. They're also 20 and 21. That's so true. You might be perfect for each other now. In five years, you're going to be completely different. That is so true. Like, don't do all this. Like, do not do all this. And if this is really, I think he needs to examine. It's like, are you feeling insecure about your relationship? Because it's also okay to break up for any reason that you so desire. But also, yeah, he needs to, I think he's just thinking how great they are.

50:40And he did not give us any details about their own dynamic. I worry he's just insecure of how great of a relationship they have or how much they're laughing or something. And he's in his own way. I think he seems hung up that they have similar interests in movies and certain activities. Yeah. And that's like the end all be all. And I'm like, I could see myself when I was 20 thinking that's the end all be all relationship. But I'm like, not my case at 33. Yeah, like that commenter. Very different. That commenter who was like my partner is so opposite to me. I do think I have fallen into like seeing a person I like or a person I'm dating really connect with somebody else in a way that I can't connect with them on.

51:17And I go, well, that must be superior, right? Like, oh, but sometimes that's not what people choose, right? Like sometimes people like opposites. It's sometimes they don't want their exact person. So like, I think that is a very 20-year-old way of thinking to be like, we date who you are. Like, it isn't. I think also it's a danger. I don't, I have to assume this a little bit, but like the internet is constantly telling us how things should be, right? Like so many people out there are like, this is how a relationship works. This is how this works. The problem is every relationship is completely fucking unique.

51:48Yeah. And so what might seem wrong to you might, if it's working, it's working. Yeah. That's kind of sometimes your only barometer. There's not one way to do this. No, absolutely not. It's if both people are happy. If they're both like, hey, we feel strong about our connection. This is working. Then it's working. I don't know. It would be so nice if there was very specific boxes. Yeah. But there's not. But I don't know. I think this is a very fascinating headspace this guy is in. I think things will be different in a couple years. I think so. I don't think his relationship is going to last just because I have a hard time believing 20 relationships when people are in their like just 19, 20.

52:29Like I'm like, yeah, it's probably going to be short-lived. It's not going to be forever. Maybe it'll last forever. I don't know. Can, but I don't know. I think he needs some space from his brother too. I think he needs to do some introspection. Yeah, I think he needs to like eat, pray love. Yeah. Yeah. What an old reference. I bet people don't even know anymore. Who's Julia Roberts? Anyways, it's time for our final story. And this one's a throwback. This is a 10-year-old story. Whoa. Feels like a parable now. I know. 2015. Whoa. That's crazy that that was 10 years ago. The Iron Age. This comes from relationships.

53:11I, a 21-year-old woman, suspect that I might be my boyfriend of two years side chick. Two years? Two years. Two years. Some details. Tim and I have been together for two years. We are both foreigners living in Europe. Names have been changed. Tim is a very private person in general, and so maybe some of the strangeness stems from that. In order to explain everything, I think I have to start at the very beginning. Tim and I met at an event for native English speakers after each of us having lived here for a year. We hit it off immediately. Later that week, we went to a pub crawl with other people from the event and hooked up.

53:45Only a few days later, we decided to meet up again, but when trying to decide if it'd be at my place or his, he told me it has to be mine and he'll explain why later. For the record, I do not live in an ideal situation to be having people, much less men, over and he was completely aware of the situation. He came over and told me that he is currently still living with his ex-girlfriend of about three months. He had his own room and everything but because he had prepaid for six months of rent to lend her some money, he was staying there. Okay, so yeah, I know this is weird but who am I to judge?

54:15He says they are definitely broken up and I'm just sleeping with the guy right now. So whatever. A few weeks go by and we decide to start dating exclusively and officially. He says that he's just living with his ex who will name Stephanie temporarily for another three months and then he'll find another place. All right. So it's a weird situation, but I trust him and he'll leave in three months. He complains about having to live with her and says it's uncomfortable. He also told me why they broke up, which was because he caught her cheating on him with her ex at a party. So I'm not worried about them getting back together.

54:44I'm not 100 % comfortable with the situation, but it's manageable. A few months pass and Tim doesn't move out. He says he's now got his own little apartment in the same house, but that it's so much better for him to stay there because he doesn't have to buy any furniture and the rent is cheap. Remember, we're foreigners, so buying a ton of furniture that you're just going to have to sell when you leave is annoying. He eventually starts saying that he's going to bring me over there to show me that they're living separately and whatnot. Long story short, that never happened. Every time I asked him to ask her about it, he'd say that she'd get upset and blah blah blah.

55:15Apparently she was aware that he had a girlfriend but didn't like it and wanted to get back together. After a year he finally moved out. Not into his own place but into the spare room at his buddy's house. I had been to his buddy's place before only once though and that had been the one and only time I've ever met one of his non-mutual friends which is suspicious and strange on its own. I didn't help with the move not for lack of trying so no I never saw him move his stuff there. Again, this was a temporary solution until he found a place of his own. Through various circumstances, company being bought out, which led to job insecurity, him being extremely picky about finding an apartment, he has still yet to move into a place of his own.

55:55It's been about 10 months since he moved into his buddy's place, and I've yet to be there, even though I've asked many times. He always says yes, but then later says that he doesn't want to intrude or be a nuisance, et cetera. So essentially, I've never seen where he lives. Those things, along with me never having met his friends or Skyped with his family, are the underlying basis for my suspicion. But here's where the real stuff comes. Oh, this is not even the real stuff? Now it's time for the real stuff. Yeah, you need to wrap it up.

56:25Last night, when I couldn't sleep, I went Facebook stalking. I searched for tagged photos of Tim because I know he's weird about his Facebook. Let's fucking go. And doesn't let tagged pictures and posts show up on his wall. While going through the pictures, I found three pictures of him while he was visiting home over the summer. In each of the three pictures, there is a girl who is untagged and sitting next to Tim. In two of the three pictures, his arm is around her. No! But the pictures are more posed and everyone's arms are around each other. Two of the pictures are with friends, so I figured she's a friend from home, no big deal.

56:56In one picture, though, they are with his sister and her husband and daughter. So, a much more intimate picture. I do not know what Stephanie looks like and she doesn't have Facebook. I can't find a picture of her through Googling, but I think this girl might be her. I don't know exactly. It's 2015. I don't know exactly why I think that, but I do. I did some more Google research and found Stephanie's grandmother's obituary. She died in January. So after Tim would have moved out of the house and definitely after they should have been broken up. And yet on the obituary, his name is listed next to Stephanie's as members of the family.

57:29I do know that he was close. They do that in obituaries? Sorry. Yeah, it's like so-and-so survived by. Yeah. But her boyfriend? Her boyfriend's listed, which means he's probably married to her and that he's literally in the family. I don't think a boyfriend would be listed. Wait, affair caught via obituary is wild. Sorry, keep reading. That's why the grandma died. She's like, I know how to blow this up. Make sure he's in the room. I'm going to do this. She could just do that. Mine was a... No, she just could do that. Keep it on the record.

58:12I do know that he was close to the grandmother and that she left him stuff in her will, but still, I'm suspicious. You're in the will? My ex-girlfriend's grandmother left me in the will. It's like, ex-girlfriend? I think he has somebody else. If what I suspect is true, that means that he was able to hide this from me and her for two years, which is honestly just impressive. Wow. It doesn't seem like he did a good job. I don't think it was that impressive. But he removed the tags. He removed the tags. And in 2015, that was pretty hard work. Right now, though, I'm stuck. I don't want to bring up my relatively weak evidence with him until I can be sure because he'll just have an excuse and I'll just accept it because I want to trust him and be with him.

58:58I don't know how to get any more proof that the girl in the pictures is Stephanie or how to know for sure one way or the other. So that's where I'd like advice. I'm not going to break up with him without knowing 100 % because I honestly do love him, but I don't know how I can know 100%. Any advice or help is appreciated, although please be constructive. Okay. Oh, look, she's young. She's young. And I also know like we do this to ourselves where we convince ourselves of things. but in a way she did the right thing of like writing this out in an anonymous way so she's writing it out which is probably good to just like see it on the page and then to like get other people's perspectives on just like hey these things in a vacuum would you be suspicious all these comments I already know you've never seen where he lives I don't know how people can go that long I understand you might not have a great situation to be like oh you can't stay over it's like but can I still see your space?

59:58Like, can I still see it? Yeah. I go back to holidays too with these things. Like, I wonder where he was at, you know, like, like when people, you know. Yeah. All of it combined is a lot where it's like two years and I've not even Skyped with your family. Like I've not talked to any of your family two years and I've not met any of your like friends besides like just our mutual friends two years. And it's like all these things. It's like. Yeah. I understand where she's coming from, where she's like, I'm scared if I just talk to him about it, he's going to walk. He's going to, he's going to like somehow find a way around it.

1:00:35But like, I hope to God she just talks to him. Yeah. Does she? Or does she do something else and find another? What do they do all the time? I, they, I don't know. They hang at her place. No. Um, look, not everybody goes to Coldplay concerts. Sick. That joke is months old by this point. It's going to be really old by then. This one's pretty obvious, though. I mean, but I know very well what it's like to see obvious writing on the wall and be like, oh, I don't know what they meant by that. That's probably, it's probably fine. Well, we have comments. No, no, no. Here, let me help you out. It's really weird that in two years, I have never seen where you live.

1:01:19if it's getting to the point where I feel like you have something to hide, I need to see your house today. This is important to me. If you can't do that, I don't think I'm comfortable continuing this relationship. And then if he doesn't take you to his house, you show up at Stephanie's front door and say, hey, this is really weird, but please hear me out for a minute. How do you and Tim know each other? And if she says anything other than we broke up, like we're dating, why, or he's my husband, you tell her everything. Someone said it's actually easier to tell if a very private person truly cares about you because they bring you closer into their life than they do others.

1:01:52This guy hasn't brought you into his life at all. Someone said, even if he wasn't with another woman, which he probably is, I would not be happy knowing that for two years he has not allowed you to see where he lives or meet his friends or family. That's not normal. That's what you do when you don't want anyone to know about your relationship. That either means he's cheating with you or he's embarrassed by you. Neither of those is acceptable. Yeah, I think none of this behavior should be tolerated even if he's not cheating. Yeah. It's like, this is not going anywhere, though. Update. Yes, Shane!

1:02:26You look so sad. I was really, I really needed to know. It's like the worst when you're like so excited for an update and he goes, comments. Yeah, comments. Do you have predictions? He's married. He's got to be married. Oh. God. Oof. As many people suggested I do, I started with a conversation with Tim where I made very, very clear how much the whole situation bothered me and why it was an issue for me. I tried to show him things from my perspective and tried to make him understand why I was so upset. He said he understood and apologized profusely. He cried and I cried. He said it was never his intention to hurt me and that he hadn't realized this had been such a large issue for me and that he had been selfish about it.

1:03:12He said it was all going to change and that I would meet his friends and see where he's staying and get to Skype with his family, etc, etc. Oh. He said I was the most important part of his life here and that he can't imagine his life without me in it. He said he wants to find an apartment for us to live together and that when I'm done with school, he wants to go back home together for good. He also told me that the girl in the pictures was an old family friend and that he was in the obituary because he still is close with the family and they still wish I was part of the family. I decided to wait and see if he actually held up his end of things this time.

1:03:43And so we made up and all was well. What I didn't mention is that during my snooping phase before this conversation, I found the phone number to the landline where Stephanie lives and decided to give it a call asking for Tim. Landline 2015. Stephanie's dad answered. And when I asked for Tim, he told me to call his cell phone because this was the landline. So not exactly helpful. Before you guys freak out about the dad thing, the house is like a duplex where the parents have their own half and Stephanie has her own half. This is not uncommon in small villages here. A couple of days after Tim and I talked, he texted me asking if I had called Stephanie's house asking for him.

1:04:22I decided not to lie and admitted it. He said that she texted him saying that some girl with an accent had called the house asking for him. And he immediately thought that it must have been me. I explained that I did it because I felt desperate for answers and just wanted to know what was going on. I also told him that it was inconclusive. He got very upset and said I had betrayed his trust and that I was acting like an insane person. He isn't exactly wrong about that part. But I explained that I felt forced to take such actions because I felt like I was never going to get any answers any other way.

1:04:52I apologize for the invasion of privacy and for bothering Stephanie and her family. After a few days, he calmed down and forgave me, saying, however, that this may push back meeting his friends because he told them what happened and they were pissed that I would treat him that way. No. No, no. I waited a few weeks to see if anything would change, and unsurprisingly, it did not. So this past weekend, he got very drunk one night, and I was able to open his phone with his fingerprint while he was sleeping. No. The home button, the home button. Let's go. Let's open it. Check his phone. Check his phone.

1:05:29Check his phone. Okay. I found text from Stephanie from the day before talking about what they should make for dinner that night. He told me he was out of town for work that night. I found lots of hearts and I love yous and even him using the same pet names for her as he does for me. No, not the pet names, Shane. Oh, that's disgusting. Everyone needs to take a cold shower. I hate it. He told her he was going out of town this weekend for work and how much he'd missed her. I looked through the past few weeks of messages between them and saw that he had sent her quite a few of the same pictures that he had sent me he had invited her to have a glass of wine with his buddy and her girlfriend he picked her up from work multiple times and there were lots of conversations about who was making dinner that night and what they should eat I went back and looked for dates where I knew he had slept over with me and he had always told her he was crashing at a friend's place or out of town for work or something along those lines I also found a group text message titled family that included Tim, his sister, his mom, and Stephanie.

1:06:34I looked at pictures of Stephanie that she had sent him and was able to very obviously see that it was her in the pictures that I found on Facebook. So you guys were right. For the last two years, he's been living with her and seeing me on the side. All the while telling me how much he loves and admires me and how we're going to have a future together. I have been duped and taken advantage of and I feel like a complete idiot because of it. I haven't talked to him yet, but when he comes over later in the week, I plan to tell him that I know everything. I also plan to tell him that he is a complete asshole.

1:07:03In my ideal conversation, he'd explain to me why he did this and what the fuck he was thinking during all this, but I am pretty sure those are just things that I'll never know or understand. Obviously, I will break up with him. I also plan on contacting Stephanie with a letter telling my side of the story. I will give her dates that I know he spent the night with me so that she can cross-check them with dates that he did not come home. I also plan to include a USB stick with pictures of Tim and me from the last two years and screenshots of some of our conversations from the last couple months.

1:07:30USB stick, 2015. Yeah. I can't make her believe me, but I want to at least do my best for her. I feel like I owe it to her as a fellow human being to let her know what kind of man she's been with for the last four years. I am open to absolutely any advice on my plan and on how to move forward from this. I won't lie. I feel so lost and so helpless right now. By breaking up with Tim, I'm losing a huge part of my life in this country, and I'm definitely going to be feeling this whole for a while, so any help is appreciated. Thank you guys so much for listening, and sorry this is long as fuck. I got carried away.

1:08:02No, you didn't, girl. We want more. No. He got carried away, girl. Yeah. For two years. Obituary. When you get the flip side, because you're like, oh, he's being so disrespectful to you, and then you get the flip side of like, oh, and you're also being so disrespectful to someone else. Yes. That's so true. You like, oh, I now know you're so bad, and then you get the, like, oh, and you're even worse than that. You're double bad. You're double bad. Update number two. I need to know what happens. So I took your advice and did not try to have a conversation with Tim. I think that's good. I was like, you need to contact Stephanie First.

1:08:38Wait, why is that? Oh, Stephanie First. Don't trust him. Stephanie First, because there's no mending this, right? And I don't think you owe him respect of any sort. And you need to get on the same page with Stephanie First. Stephanie First. Yeah. It's Stephanie First. Pack your bag second. Gun later. How to get to wait. Murder later. Because you can't trust him at all, right? Yeah. So if you tell him first, you don't know what he's going to do. You have to pack your bags in the night. It becomes a race to... He's obviously well-versed in... Manipulation. Yes, he's low-key. He's untagging every photo.

1:09:13I realized that since he was so successfully able to manipulate me for two years, having one last conversation with him was bound to end up with me doubting my findings and perhaps my sanity. Yeah. I wrote Stephanie a three-page letter detailing the relationship that Tim and I have had over the past two years, making clear that it was serious and not just a fling. I mentioned dates and events that most people would not have known about, and I included the intricate lies and backstory that he had told me. I included a list of dates from the last two months that he spent the night with me and encouraged her to cross-check them with nights that he wasn't at home.

1:09:43I printed out a few photos of us as a quick visible proof, and I included the rest of the photos on a USB stick in the letter. The stick also contains screenshots of any particularly incriminating conversations that we've had over the last few months. I scanned postcards that he had sent me from various vacations and included those as well. For safe measure, I also included a copy of the letter in case the hard copy went somehow mysteriously missing. I gave her my email address and phone number and asked her to contact me if she wanted to. On Wednesday night, I had someone drive me to where she lives.

1:10:13If Tim was there, I would just have confirmations that he actually lives there and we'd leave. If he wasn't there, I'd ring the doorbell and hand her the letter personally. Yes. We drove the 45 kilometers and Tim was sitting there in the living room on his laptop. It was obvious he lived there. She was nowhere to be seen. His and her names were on the mailbox. I called to see if he'd pick up and he ignored the call. On the mailbox? Why didn't you go before if you were so suspicious? Not to put the blame on the victim, but you just go look. She trusted him. That's fucked. She trusted him. On Thursday morning, I mailed the letter.

1:10:46I ensured that it was registered post. In order to receive the letter, she'd have to show her ID and sign for it. On Friday, the letter arrived. She was not home, so she received a notification to go pick the letter up at the post office. On Saturday morning, she picked it up, and I got an email of the receipt with her signature on it. Throughout all of this, I conversed normally with Tim and made excuses as to why he couldn't come over during the week so as to not tip him off to anything. He stopped talking to me about 20 minutes after she picked up the letter Saturday morning, and I have not heard from him since.

1:11:13He has, however, defriended me and my family on Facebook. I've not heard from Stephanie either. So now it's really over. I hope with all my heart that he was not able to lie and manipulate his way out of the situation with her, but I will probably never know. I do not expect to hear from him again. I feel very lonely, taken advantage of, and beaten down. I am going to do my best to try to come out of this situation without trust issues and without being cynical and jaded. I am seeking therapy to make sure I don't slip into depression. For now, I need to find ways to distract myself and fill up any free time.

1:11:45Rat!

1:11:49Rat! Hopefully she's doing well now. It's been 10 years. So she's hopefully in a completely different place in life and way better. Ugh, I'm upset that Stephanie didn't even reach out. I know. I know it's a lot, but like give the girl, give the poor girl some closure. I know. But OP did everything she could. The signing of the letter was brilliant. Like to make sure that was sick as hell. That's a good way to do it. It's a good way to do it. and I guess you can do it in a way that you don't give too much of your information, like socials or whatever. But she's going to find that she can. I mean, she did everything she could.

1:12:27Yeah. 20 minutes after the letter signing is when he stops. She's like, I'm picturing they were texting all day and then 20 minutes he just stops responding. Just defriended her and just gone. I have to defriend her on Facebook. That has to be really heartbreaking because she knows he's cheating on her. He knows that he's married. But to just be like, oh, and he just is in a blip. He can't even own up to it. He's gone. But it's like, oh, this was never anything for him. That's the hardest. You know what I mean? Like to be fully just ghosted, gone. It's like, oh, he didn't care about you. I feel really, really bad for her.

1:12:57But there is also the aspect of like, hey, you're really young. People go through these types of situations. You're not the only person to be tricked like this, to be manipulated like this. That is a very common experience, actually. and to learn so much from it at 21, like, it's, I don't, I would have a hard time believing someone's gonna be able to pull something like this on her again. Yeah. You know, hopefully she's grown from it. Yeah. You know, hopefully she's now a very strong, powerful, awesome 30-year-old person. But anyways, thank you both for being here. There's not another update. Not another update.

1:13:38Healing is the update. Healing is the update. but uh thank you both for hanging with me thanks for having us yeah and uh thank you all for watching let us know what other themes and subreddits you want us to cover on this show and we will see you next Saturday goodbye okay do it now no what it's honestly take your pancakes out and check his phone check his phone I can't I can't condone that

1:14:12Thank you.