Exes And Oh NOs | Reading Reddit Stories

25:53My husband, who's 41, together six years, snooped on my phone and found out about something I did years ago before we met. Does he have a right to be mad? I'll get straight into it For some reason, recently He started to think I'm messaging and meeting other men I'm not I've never messaged anyone since the day of our first date And I've certainly not met anyone I don't know where this has come from We have each other's passcodes for our phones But I've never once felt the need to look at his And I don't mind him using mine But reading my messages, I do mind As I don't think it's fair on the people I'm talking to On to what happened I went to the shops the other day and I left my phone at home.

26:35When I got back, my husband got in my face and called me a slag and a tramp and all sorts of other nasty names. He went through my Facebook messages and found a message from 16 years ago. Come on, brother. At the time, I was so poor having just lost my job and having bills to pay. I applied for hundreds of jobs and needed my car to get to interviews. It broke down, not terribly, but it needed a new alternator. I messaged a couple friends who were mechanics and both wanted over 100 pounds, which was a good quote, but I just couldn't afford it. I offered one of them I'd send him a couple of nudes for now and pay him when I got a job.

27:11He agreed, and within a day, I was back on the road. Once I had a job, I offered to pay him, and everything was fine. The mechanic is sadly dead now, so my husband has nothing to be wary of. That's, okay. Must have been some real bad pictures. I was going to say that. I was thinking that. Or so good. That he saw me, he was like, whoo! Yeah. When your eyes fly out and talk to your side, they actually just stay there. Yeah, it turns out he exploded. Oh, like in the Holy Grail or whatever. Yeah. Yes, the Indiana Jones, they face melted. Okay. After he had finished ranting and raving at me, I told him I'll never forgive him for looking through my phone and invading my privacy.

27:53I asked if he'd found anything else and he said no. I said, see, How many times do I have to tell you? In fact, I'm done telling you. I picked a few things and I left for my sisters where I still am now. Is what I did 10 years before I met him really that bad? I'm starting to think he's projecting with all these accusations constantly. And now I'm starting to doubt him. Once trust has been broken like this, can it be repaired? Okay. The projection thing's interesting because that does almost make me. And, you know, I guess I shouldn't always assume cheating. but it is kind of weird that he was like fishing for something and be like, so you did this because, I don't know, maybe our man did something.

28:33It is unfortunately a big telling sign. Yeah. It is. It is, as far as my understanding and certainly anecdotally, it's very common of like, they become suspicious because it starts to be like, well, I'm doing this thing to them. Yeah. Maybe doing it to me. It's something to justify it to and like, I guess I don't know fully why it happens, but it seems to be the case a lot of the time here. And also to like answer the main question, no, she shouldn't feel guilty. She shouldn't feel guilty at all. It's her choice on what to do with her body. She did it in a way that was just like person to person.

29:10You know, is it right of the guy to accept that? But at the same time, she was in a place of need and she had to do what she had to do and she did it. And you know what? I applaud her ingenuity. I mean, whoever thought of doing a layaway like that, you know? Like, being like, I can't pay you yet. Will this hold you over? Brilliant. I mean, look, yeah, I agree. It's wild. It happened 16 years ago, right? And I would let things slide far beyond that for what you did 16 years ago, right? And especially as she's describing it, like, hey, I was in a bind and I didn't know what to do. And she was a young person trying to figure it out.

30:00But her husband's coming at her with inexcusable things, right? It's one thing. I would say it'd be one thing if he was like, oh, you never told me about this. And I'm curious. But she doesn't owe him that. But I could see him being like, oh, I didn't know this. He also snooped to find it in the first place. How he found it out was in a way that already just completely destroys everything. Absolutely. And like this is the math here kind of hurts my feelings a little bit. But when you think about like, it's like, yeah, 16 years ago. It's like, well, she's 40 now. And you're like, yeah, it was whatever.

30:34It was back then. She was 24. Right. That's a young person. Yeah. That's a young person. And as she said, she's like, I was in a bind. I was going through a lot. Sure, yeah. I think she's talking about once trust has been broken like this, can it be repaired? She's talking on her end. I think, and I've said this before, when you're already in a place where it's like, I need to snoop through my partner's phone, I'm like, this is already so bad. If you're feeling that way, either, yeah, he's already cheated on her, so that's why he's that way, or it's like, if you're feeling that way, you need to go to a couples therapist.

31:09That is so hard to just, how do you fix that, right? It is a massive question, and I don't know what the answer is. Also, slag? Is that some crazy British thing? Yeah, what the hell? Is that some crazy British thing? It's like your trash. Oh, it's British. It is. I knew it. I don't know. He's going through something. Right. I don't trust him. I don't think I could ever call, no matter how angry I'd be, like, you don't call someone, let alone a partner, like, a slut, a slag, like, whatever. That's nuts. Yeah, that's verbal abuse, right? Yeah. And, I mean, he's gone to that realm. That's enough now to be like, you should not be with him.

31:45No. Because where is this going from here? This is only going to get worse. Also, he's 41. She's 40. That's an age difference. And I think that's... That's such a huge age difference. Breakup. Well, Shane, you said you would forgive something greater than that. What about a homicide 16 years ago? Hmm. Manslaughter? Can't spell manslaughter without man's laughter. Oh. That's right. Involuntary? I'm talking about... Okay. I will talk about, on a serious thing, of like, Like, I think judging someone, like, for sexual stuff from before a relationship, right? Where it's like when I, because there's been other stories where people are like, oh, yeah, I found out my partner slept with X amount of people before we were dating.

32:30And, like, I have a huge problem. It's like, but you're here now. Like, I don't know. Like, that was years before you guys were dating. Like, you're in the relationship now. How do you feel? Like, if you're having trust issues, then that's its own thing. Got to figure that out. But this, I mean, yeah, I am contradicting myself from the previous one. This is making me jump to he's cheating. Hardcore. I'm like, this guy's cheating on her. I'm feeling it. He's the slag. Yeah. Like, how far back on, like, messages was he scrolling? There's got to be something in here. Like, 16. You have to go back 16 years of messages?

33:09That's, it's true. You think about that. Man, he is snooping. It's almost like he's trying to find a reason. He is. He's looking. He's looking for like, you're not as bad as I am. Or like, I need to break up with you and I need to find a reason. Yeah. Like, the human mind does a lot. Come on, update. Comments. I'd be more upset with the name calling than the snooping, but I'd also be questioning his sanity for flipping out about something from 16 years ago when you didn't even know him. Fucking batshit. He's probably cheating on you, dude. OP said, I was upset about it all, to be honest. I've said a few times, is he projecting?

33:44Someone said he's definitely up to something, and when he found that, it was the only thing he found that he could accuse you of. Not that it matters, because anything you did before you even met him is none of his business. Someone else said, your husband is looking for reasons to divorce you. It's time to give him what he wants. Ooh. What? Update. Yeah.

34:09All right, one month later. Okay. A lot can happen in a month. What do we think? He was cheating? I think, yeah. I feel pretty confident in that bet. But I don't know if she'll ever, I don't know if she's figured it out. But I don't think they're together. I think the mechanic is back. Oh, back from the dead. Back from the dead. And he chases the husband around the house. And once the husband's in the corner, the zombie says, like, the moods were good. And then just, like, leaves. And the husband's like, oh! And there's a heart attack on us. That's good. All right. Roll credits. I like that. Backstory.

34:44For months, my husband has been suspicious that I'm cheating, even though I've never even messaged another man since before our first date. He snooped on my phone and found a message from 16 years ago, 10 years before we got together, where I was short of money, so I sent a mechanic some nudes in lieu of payment for supplying and fitting an alternator. He called me all sorts of names, and I got mad back and said I'll never trust him, and I think he's projecting. On to the update, and like many of you suggested, He was projecting, and he's the one who's cheating. Oh, poor thing. There it is, ladies and gentlemen.

35:16That sucks. I left for my sisters for a few days when I wrote that post, driving past a premier inn near her house and saw his car outside, waited by it for three hours where he eventually emerged with another woman. He said it was the first time, and he thought we'd split up. She said to him, what are you talking about, and who is this, referring to me. He literally ran off like a coward. I spoke to this woman who turned out to be lovely, and she said they'd been seeing each other for over a year. Oh, no, don't. That sucks. He told her he was living with his religious parents after leaving his wife, so that's why they can never go back to his place and had been staying in hotels.

35:55She was such a lovely young woman, and I ended up having to console her and took her home myself. As for us, I'm back at home, and he is now back at his parents, who were very disappointed in him when they heard the news and have been lovely to me. I've started divorce proceedings, but that'll be about a year away, I'd imagine. So he's just a time traveler because he got his timeline mixed up because now he's living with his parents. Yeah, he is living with his parents. And he divorced his wife. He's spoken in the truth. Yeah. He just messed up the timeline. Right. That's really what happened.

36:30That's how he went 16 years back in time to read those messages. That's right. It happens to the best of us. What if he killed the mechanic? I think I found my smut book to write. Time fucker. Time fucker. Yeah, I can't be too shocked by this. The timeline adds up that for a few months he's been suspicious of her. It's like he started cheating and then it's just like. For a year. I don't know the logistics or like the psychology behind it, but I've heard that when people cheat, they grow resentful of the person they're cheating on. And I'm like, that's so interesting how that works, but that seems to be what happened here.

37:11Yeah. I mean, he lost his mind, right? Like, it poisons you. And I think he probably was looking for an out, and then if he could blame it on her, then that would put him in maybe a more favorable position for the divorce. Yeah. Yeah. Not anymore. Yeah. My favorite genre of Reddit story, if it involves cheating, is like, I met the other person and actually they were sick and we high five all the time. I'm like, yeah! Like, I just love that. It's very nice that she did not blame her because this woman didn't know. No. And hopefully this other woman is not going to stay with him either. Well, I would imagine not.

37:52Yeah, it sounds like not. Because she has also been cheated on for a year. Yes, correct. Comments. That was very nice of you to console her. please be sure to tend to your own emotions as well. God will look out for number one. OP said, to be honest, I was already 80 % certain I was going to divorce him after the name calling and snooping. So this didn't devastate me as much as it normally would. Someone said, I really hope his mother and father know that he abandoned the girl he conned into a relationship at the motel and that you were kind enough to take her home. What a man. OP said, I told them he abandoned a 23-year-old 30 miles from her home.

38:24Talk about an age gap. You got the age gap. When she said lovely young woman, I went, oh, because I was like, God, she sounds like she's talking about like a 24-year-old. He's straight up doing the midlife crisis thing. He really did. He's 40, dating a 23-year-old. Yeah. He did it. He did it. He did it. And now he's alone. Well, no, he's not alone. He's with his parents. Oh. Living with his parents. Croissant in hand. I was with my parents. Next story. This comes from Am I the Asshole and Am I the Ex. It was posted in spring of 2024. All right. A fine year. Fine year. A rumspringer. Am I the Asshole for Photoshopping my boyfriend's ex out of pictures when he was at work?

39:10All right. Okay. Okay. This is a 27-year-old woman. My boyfriend, who's 36 of a year, was married in his early 20s and has two kids with his ex. He has three family pictures in his house that have her in the pictures. In one, it's her with the kids in the middle of the two of them. In another, it's him with the kids and her off to the right, sort of in the background. In the third, it was him and her together with the two kids and Mickey Mouse. Disney. She put in parenthesis, Disney. Disney. Oh, I was thinking of the other Mickey Mouse. Yeah, just so you know. Parenthesis, gas station. She has been awful to me, and I hate seeing her face.

39:48I've asked him to take the pictures down several times But he says they are special memories with the kids Well, yesterday I had enough I used a scanning app on my phone to scan the photos Then paid someone on Fiverr to remove her from the photos All three of the photos look professionally done It's the same photos, just without her I then went to Walmart and had them print new pictures in the same size I put them in the frames, I put the originals in a desk drawer When my boyfriend came home, I asked him if he noticed anything different He didn't, which is what I suspected. The photos look great now and still have him and his kids.

40:23I pointed at one of the pictures. He got livid, telling me that I was being a jealous Nancy. I admit that I laugh because what is a jealous Nancy? It's kind of like a slag. Yeah. Well, the laughing really set him off. He asked for the originals back and said he was going to put them back up and gave me an ultimatum to either accept his past relationship or move on. I said, I guess you don't want to be with a jealous Nancy. and he said no. I laughed again and he asked me to leave. I have not heard from him since but expect him to get over it. Really, this woman has been terrible to me. I'm not going to get started on it but she has been cruel to me to the point of him breaking contact with her except by text to talk about the kids.

41:03I think I have every right to not want to see her face. One of the pictures is in his bedroom even. Maybe I should just get over it. I felt like I was doing him a favor because at least I didn't just cut her out which was my original plan. Am I the asshole? Edit, I have a great relationship with his children, much to the ex's chagrin. Several of you have assumed that I was the other woman in the relationship. I was not. They were divorced long before I met him. You are right that there was infidelity in their relationship. She cheated with two men that we know of. That's why they divorced. Also, for the people calling this fake, I'm not sure what to tell you.

41:37I'm starting to wish that it was because that would be easier than all of you calling me names. Besides jealous Nancy, which is still funny. All right. There's one keyword in there that I think is kind of important. She said his bedroom. So this is his place. They don't live together? Well, it's been a boyfriend of a year, they said. Yeah, so. Yeah, I guess not. I think it's, like, I think that's weird behavior, to be honest. On her part. Yes. Yeah. It's so, it's super immature. Yes. and it's clearly his things. Right. It's his place. If somebody came into my house and started changing my photos, that's weird behavior.

42:27Right. It's bizarre. But also to be like, did you notice anything? Did you notice anything? Yeah, what the fuck? Yeah, I'm not going into my house and going, that picture looks the same. That picture looks the same. Yeah. Like, why did you? It's kind of the thing that I feel sometimes where I'm like, okay, if you're going to do something shitty, and secretive and deceitful, do it well. Do it all the way. What are you doing? Lie for longer. I'm like, okay, so hold on. You did this huge deceitful thing. You went through this whole process while he was gone only for him to show up and go, what, anything look crazy to you?

43:00I feel like I panic and be like, oh, haircut, new shirt, new dress. Yeah, why did you do it all secretively if you're going to just tell him immediately after? Like, I don't understand. if you're so uncomfortable by these photos, then you need to just talk to him and go, hey, I feel really uncomfortable with these photos. She's been horrible to me. It's triggering for me to look at her. Look, and if he says, no, I want these up, these are real memories from my life. You got to accept that. It kind of sounds like they did. It sounds like at the beginning he's just like, and that's the problem. Look, I can understand being uncomfortable seeing the face of someone who's been absolutely awful to you.

43:39at the same time it is a little i want to say immature of her and there is that age gap but where he got cheated on by his now ex-wife with potentially multiple multiple people and still has those up because it's such a special memory to him and she's just like yeah she sucks to me like i bet she did i bet that person is really awful she's still like the mother of his children So it's like, I feel like they're just kind of at an impasse here where she says, this makes me uncomfortable. He says, too bad. And at some point it's like, do you just deal with it? Or is this something where you just can't reconcile this difference and you just have to?

44:25It's a weird hill to die on. And this is a weird behavior to try to fix it for yourself. Right. Like, you'll never guess what I did for us. Yeah. Once again, like, when we're talking about, like, the other one was six months. This is the first year in. That type of behavior, it's like, all right. It's a red flag. Like, I think maybe this isn't going to work, you know? And same, too, if she was writing in being like, hey, I'm really uncomfortable by these photos. This ex has been horrible to me. And I can't handle this. Am I an asshole for breaking up with him? I'd be like, no. Like, if it's too much for you, like, you can leave.

45:01Yeah. But you can't control him. And you can't change his place and what he chooses to do with his things. Like, I would only argue, like, maybe they could find a balance by adjusting the placement. Like, if it's the first thing you see when you walk in the house every day, that sucks. If it's in, you know, she said his bedroom. Maybe take it out of the bedroom. Like, you know, you don't want to look over at that if you guys are being, like, romantic. That would suck. But, like, I don't know. Otherwise. Right. I feel like there's a compromise. Move it somewhere where you feel like you don't have to constantly confront it maybe.

45:36I struggle with Reddit stories like this where all we have is what they wrote. Right. And she's leaving so much out. Yes. And she's like, I could get into this, but I'm not going to. I can't get into it. And I'm like, well, then I have no choice but to like, I'm not going to add my speculation, but now I have nothing to go off of. and you're also not saying what the conversations were. So I don't know how those conversations sounded. I don't know how many there have been. Like there's so much that's left out that's so key here. Yes. Because I'm like, your behavior is not sounding so like nice and kind and respectful, but you're saying how cruel this ex is, but you're not sounding particularly.

46:17It's giving Nancy. Jealous Nancy. You're acting like a proper jealous Nancy. A jealous Nancy. No, I think that's a really good point where, you know, she's saying, like, she's been horrible to me. She's been horrible to me. And it's like, well, you've only been dating this guy for a year, right? And you're probably interacting with this woman's kids. Like, there's going to be some, like, friction there. It's also tough that, this is anecdotal, but like in Reddit stories and in real life, some of the biggest assholes I've ever known claim everyone around them is an asshole. And I'm like, that's always the problem is that they go, well, everybody sucks.

47:06It's like, you suck. And she has the information that her boyfriend was cheated on by this woman. So, yeah, do you think she's really going in with, like, the nicest attitudes to this other woman? Probably not. And how soon is she going to Photoshop herself into those photos of kids? And she picks one kid she likes better and makes them a little taller. Yeah. Like, where does it stop? No, but Emily pointed out, and this is so true, this is probably the biggest reason she's an asshole in this situation is this is a place where his children definitely are at. Yeah. And they see these photos too.

47:45And they're going to see their mom removed from them. Yeah. That is horrible for them to see. Like that is, I would say that's borderline traumatic probably for a kid to just be like, oh, so our mom is removed from all these photos with us in it. That's a horrifying sight. When you get someone that like could be a step-parent, it's like, no, I'm not trying to replace your mother. Then what's that? What's going on? Our mom's gone. She never existed. Like, yeah, that would be terrifying as a kid. Take a new photo with the group of them and hang it up. Exactly. And have a new fun thing. There's so many better avenues.

48:19Yeah. The verdict is she's the asshole. Okay. Yeah. Someone said, you're the asshole. Imagine if the kids go over to visit and they see the pictures without their mom. I get that she was mean to you or whatever, but what you did was immature. 2 ,000 upvotes. That's the key point here. Someone said, you're the asshole. She's the mother of his children, whether you accept it or not. Photoshopping her out is psycho. Someone said to that, honestly, it would have been even better if she Photoshopped the wife out and Photoshopped herself in instead, LMAO. Like, if you're going to be crazy, you've got to really commit.

48:51You're right. There's no half measures in being crazy. I'm like, do it well. Don't go on Fiverr, go on Flippin' Tenor and do it right. That's like pickpocketing someone and getting five feet away and being like, uh-oh, did you notice? I Photoshopped your wife out of this picture in your wallet. Holy crap, you did that so fast. She could have at least scratched X's over her eyes, you know? Yeah. And some like... Yeah, been scary about it. Put out the face and put it up to her face and go like... Yeah. Hey, go full crazy. Yeah. You can always tell when we film to try not to laugh before a Reddit stories.

49:31Yeah. Yeah. Make a people suit out of the X-Wife. Wear it. Run around. Do crime. All right, our next story. Oh, boy. I have been told to buckle up by our producers. That's not what she said. She inferred it. Okay. Our next story was posted on Am I the Asshole? Am I the Devil? And Am I the Ex? The Unholy Trinity. You know it's going to be bad when it's Am I the Devil. Yeah. The Assholy Trinity. Nice. My favorite character from The Matrix. Yeah, this was posted in about summer of 2023. A good year. Yeah. Am I the asshole for making a joke about my wife in my speech at our wedding? Oh, yeah, probably.

50:22Only if you slam the cake in her face right after. I love this slag over here, am I right? This jealous Nancy. This is going to be so bad. Okay, let's get into this wild ride. Hi, everyone. I'm writing this on here because my new wife has been upset with me since our wedding, which took place last week. She has even threatened divorce on me. Many people in my personal life don't think that I was in the wrong, while others are taking my wife's side. So I need some unbiased perspective. This is a throwaway for obvious reasons. So over the four years that we have been together, my wife, then girlfriend, has been pretty active with our intimacy.

51:00So much so that our friends and even my parents have talked slash joked about it. This is well known in our inner circles, and we have many jokes around this topic, many of which my wife herself thought were funny and joked about with our friends as well. One of the nicknames my wife received. Oh, here we go. I need a second. Slutty Nancy. Hoover. There is nothing that's going to prepare you for this. Okay. Oh, wait. Hold on. Oh, wait. Hold on. Let me try. I want you to guess. Big hole. One of the nicknames my wife received. Guess. Throw out a couple guesses. It's going to be like the something something.

51:38It's got to have a... Oh, the vacuum cleaner. Yeah, that's why I said Hoover. Ball tosser.

51:47Big old cave. You guys think you're being funny, but just wait. Okay. All right. Throw it out of shame. You get nine more guesses. I'm so ready. One of the nicknames my wife received around this topic was that she was a cum dumpster. I didn't want to say it, but I was going to, but I didn't want to say it. Okay. Okay. We all thought it was hilarious and fitting for her given the circumstances. Given what circumstances? Given what circumstances? Well, she's all full of... All right. Okay. Let's flash forward to the wedding. Well, during the... Flash forward. I mean, I feel like we need more context.

52:30Next. Well, during the wedding reception, many people were giving speeches. And towards the end, I wanted to say a few words. Don't. Oh, no. I thanked everyone for being there. Everything was beautiful, yada, yada. And then I wanted to talk about my new life with my wife. And I decided to throw in a joke towards the end. I said something like, I am so honored and excited to be spending the rest of my life with my beautiful cum dumpster. I love you, honey. All right. Bye, guys. Bye, guys. You did good today. I can't. There's no way. No one's ever said that. No, because there was a video where this guy basically says that, but in a long speech where he's like, I can't wait to cum in your pussy for five million more years.

53:24Weddings do something to people. I feel like this is one of those moments where I need to pull out the phone and show it to me. We're also far into a reception and people get drunk. People get very drunk. Like, that is, it's wild. And people just say stuff. I can't believe what people say sometimes. What world, like, I know there's this thing where it's like, my 103-year-old grandma was in the audience. Like, there's no way that was funny. I also think you have a dude who thinks he's being funny. Yeah. And that bad stuff happens. That's why you can't let every dude who thinks he's the funniest one at your office think he's that forever.

54:02You can't. This place is different. This is a funny office of funny people. I'm talking about in general, it's like, that's Brad. He always says, he's like, and that's crazy. Like, no. And you guys always tell me when my jokes aren't funny. So. Yeah. But I think also, most of the time. But I think also, like, a lot of times, like, guys misinterpret, like, when somebody, like, when, like, like women laugh at their jokes. Like sometimes it's more out of like being uncomfortable and maybe not like that's actually funny. So maybe he like in drinking with like a small group of friends is like, oh, my wife's a condomster.

54:46And everyone's like. Yeah, I need to know what context this was said because he's saying amongst friends. I'm like, all right, cool. You're in front of both of your families now. Yes. There's probably kids. There's definitely people who just have never heard that before. There's probably a minister. I feel like you've got to show them. Your wife is for sure there. I mean, look, people can be funny, whatever. My take, at least from the vibes, the weddings that I've been at, is the bride and groom are kind of there to be the genuine one. Let other people be funny and save funny memories. But you don't have to hit with a joke, especially if you've had a couple drinks.

55:24That joke you think is funny, pull it back. I've learned that over the years. Like, when I'm out and if you drink at all, especially if you're giving a speech, it's just like, hey, just don't worry about taking that risk. Nah, if I ever get a wedding, I'm going whole hog. You know? I'm going all in. Oh, God. Okay, so he goes, let me re-say it. Yeah, because I think we just... Let's wind it back so we can hear this again. Okay. I said something like, I am so honored and excited to be spending the rest of my life with my beautiful cum dumpster. I love you, honey. I just got chills. That's awful.

56:07The entire room roared with laughter. All the groomsmen were laughing and a few of the bridesmaids were as well. My wife, however, did not look happy and pretty much avoided me for the rest of the reception. When we got back, my wife yelled at me about how I completely embarrassed her at the wedding with my joke. I told her that it really wasn't a big deal since many of the guests were well aware of the joke and won't think anything of it. The next morning, I got a call from my mother-in-law screaming at me about how I humiliated her daughter. I tried reasoning with her, but it was no use. I've been texting the other groomsmen and the bridesmaids as well, and they think that my wife was just overreacting.

56:42A few guests that I am close with feel the same way. However, one of the other bridesmaids called me as well and called me a dick and an asshole. I feel conflicted because I was just trying to joke around in my speech. So am I the asshole for making a joke during my wedding speech? Yeah. I would love to be a fly on the wall for that phone call he had with the mother-in-law being like, no, no, but you don't understand. Like, your daughter kind of is. So, like, really, like, using facts and logic, it was actually, like, a good joke. It's a genre of dude that, like, when offending everyone, saying, like, it was just a joke.

57:18What do you mean it was just a joke? I tried to reason with them because they're overreacting. It's like, how many people have to tell you that you affected them before you believe it? We got to ban the it was just a joke thing. We got to move past that. I think it was a joke and then calls it like I sees it guy. Yeah. Those have to both go. I don't love the I said something like as if he doesn't fully remember what he said, followed by and everybody laughed. Everybody was laughing. I was like, were they? I don't fully trust you right now. Yep. Again, if I heard that at a wedding, I would laugh, but it would be like a, ha, ha, ha, fuck, did he really say that?

58:00Like, I don't think that's like a good thing to say in front of family. Right. I don't know, maybe that's a crazy take. Yeah. I thought you were woke. Verdict. Yeah. Asshole. Sure. Very clearly. Yeah. So there's a TikTok that was circling around of a groom who said, only two things are required to keep me happy. Keep my belly full and my balls empty. Those were his vows. Yeah. Those were in his vows. His vows. His vows. In front of the ordained minister or whoever. Well, I'm an ordained minister. I watched that video and he goes on. It's not just those lines. He goes on and then like the wife had to like jump in on the TikTok and be like, no, actually I was okay with this and it's actually fine and it's just like, brother.

58:53I'm sad. All right, comments. I got to the nickname and thought, oh no, he did. He really, really did. What a dumbass. Someone said, you're the asshole. Forget even Reddit's judgment. Your wife thinks you're the asshole. Why would some internet stranger's opinion matter? Have you even apologized? Someone else said to that, that's the thing, I really hope this isn't real. Lastly, someone said, You're the asshole. A normal joke does not always translate to a wedding-friendly joke. That is the first thing I have to say. Second of all, does your wife even like being called that? You reduced her to nothing more than something for you to come in at the wedding.

59:30Heck yeah, I would be going through with the divorce if I were your wife. You didn't even refer to her as a person, but as a thing. Yeah.

59:43You've lost words. That's one of those where I'm just like, yeah, I don't know how you talk to someone like this. I'm like, we're so, it's not the same language. I don't know how to explain to you that you calling your wife that is not a good idea at a wedding. It's one of those moments like if you watch that in The Office, you'd be cringing watching it. If it was fictional. Michael Scott would probably do that. Yeah, the Michael Scott moment. But like, look, I hope it's fake too. But I also know this shit happens. Yeah, I can totally believe that. Just because of the other TikTok that I saw. I really can too.

1:00:14Also, wedding receptions are dumpster fires. Not a normal dumpster. But a normal dumpster. Normal dumpster. We all know one film wouldn't catch on fire. We don't know. We need to ask Hank Green. Hank would be like, well, the human body has a lot of salt, which is sodium chloride. Here's the thing. Sodium on the salt is very reactive. Yeah. Okay. We love you, Hank. Yeah, man. Okay. anything else? That was it? That was the last one? No, that's not the last story. That's the end of that story. Anything else on come? Any other thoughts on that? Yeah, I think, like, I think you should, like, you know how we have, like, a driver's ed or you need, like, you need, like, a learner's permit.

1:01:03You need a permit to drive. Yeah. I think we should probably need permits for making jokes. Right. Because I think, I think some people, they just completely misread the situation. They're telling jokes. And that are just like, things that are just like mean or offensive. And they're like, well, why can't you just take a joke? Okay, because this is actually one of the realms where I think we have a little bit of expertise, right? Because there's so many realms where I'm like, I'm not an expert at this. But when it comes to roasting people, I've said this before, and I think we did a really good job with a lot of our funerals with this, is when you're roasting someone or when you're saying a joke, right, at a wedding reception, and you're like, I want to infuse some humor in it.

1:01:40I think your intention should be the person who is the target of your joke, that they are going to love it. And that they're going to laugh, but more importantly, that it's going to make them feel good. Sure. Right? Like, especially a wedding reception. Like, the joke should be a joke as actually the second part of it. The ultimate thing should be that it's a compliment. Especially your wife. Especially your wife. It should be some funny way of saying how amazing they are. But that's not what you were doing. Also, they did say that like, oh, I wanted to jump in for a couple words after everyone else gave their speeches.

1:02:14So not only is he like putting down his wife in this crazy way, but he is also centering himself in attention. Like he did not need more attention. And then he's just like, you know what this needs? A joke from me. An awesome joke that everyone is laughing at. With me, at her, and then I win. Like it's. Yeah. It's so funny. the last thing I'll say is like it's one of those moments in life that it's a tense moment it's probably nerve wracking and makes people like want to say something that'll get a laugh that'll get a response it's like but it's also one of those easy slam dunk moments yeah cause like I've had I had a moment like that in one of our celebrations of our wedding where I was like it was like my whole family there and I was like I don't say I love you all I'm like that's it I'm like oh and we got it and we're done like that's all we need I don't need to say a joke and it's like it's all you gotta do man but you turned it into a dumpster fire.

1:03:07But not that kind of dumpster. But not that kind of dumpster. Not that kind of dumpster. But not that kind of dumpster. Am I the asshole for not knowing all seven episodes of We're All Gonna Die are now available to stream in my own home and they even extended the VOD's availability until January 31st, 2026? Yes, OP, you are. I don't even need to read the rest of this. I don't even care. Now watch this sick trailer our editor put together. We're gonna start pulling some blocks. Let's see what you got.

1:03:43It sucks out his soul!

1:03:57Go to live.smosh.com. Live.smosh.com. Live.smosh.com Live.smosh.com Live.smosh.com Live.smosh.com Back to the show. Our final story. Ooh. Okay. This came from earlier this year, 2025, March. My ex constantly locked me out of the bathroom, so I took matters into my own hands. Okay. This comes from Petty Revenge. Ooh. I was with my ex for a while. It was an unhappy relationship. I had bladder control issues and IBS. Whenever I needed to go to the bathroom, they would run in first and take their sweet time just to irritate me and make me suffer. That's abuse. Oh, God. I went on for a long time, and one day I just about had it.

1:04:56We had two cats and two litter boxes. One day he went running to the bathroom and was just playing on his phone and plucking his face hair and refused to let me go. So I decided I would just go poop in the cat's litter box. Not only was it a big poop, but I also peed a little. The cats literally wouldn't use that litter box after. And then my ex came and was investigating it and saw, and he goes, wow, they pooped a lot. No wonder they want their box cleaned. And I just sat there and watched him clean up my shit and piss. That was near the end of our relationship, and he never found out. Edit, my ex and I were together for four years, and he was a gamer and pothead.

1:05:32When he would run to the bathroom, he would take his phone or Nintendo Switch in with him. Oh, so he was just like a fucking sadist. Like, just loved... Yeah, that's actually super abusive. Yeah, what the fuck? Yeah, I don't understand like what he was getting. He was torturing her. Yeah, it's just like a control thing. Oh, you gotta use the bathroom. I'm gonna hop in there and just not use the bathroom. Ha ha. Like, I will say bringing in a Nintendo Switch or a phone with a game on it to the toilet is great, but you gotta be careful about things like hernias, hemorrhoids, stuff like that. You can't sit too long and you want to because you're playing the Switch and your pants can be off and it doesn't matter.

1:06:08You can just let everything go because you're in the bathroom. Especially if I'm playing Hades II and it gets really intense. Dude, I hear you.

1:06:19Yeah, this is horrendous. I think I've heard about this type of stuff with boyfriends in particular of like, oh, I'm like teasing my girlfriend. it's like, no, this is abuse. Yeah. You've teetered into another realm here. Like, oh, I'm playing this funny joke on my girlfriend. It's like, no, you're being really horrible. What's the joke? Yeah, what's the bit here? Her bladder explodes like Tycho Brahe. Oh, nice. Yeah, I love a good Tycho Brahe reference. Hey, thanks, man. Appreciate you. I, the only thing I want to see here is the cat's expression because you know they were watching. The cats were like.

1:06:55from then on you see them like stand up put their hands on the wall and then let go they're like this is how you do it now that's how we get that much why do our cats do that holy crap someone said somewhere those cats are still telling the tale of the day the giant marked our territory probably why they won't use that box anymore you asserted dominance in the most primal way possible someone said I worked at a place where one of the co-workers Nick's names was Catbox Bob Bob and his wife got a new kitten and Bob thought it would be hilarious to take a huge dump in the cat box. His thought was that his wife would be worried slash confused if the kitten had a poop the size of itself.

1:07:32That's awesome. At some point, I guess Bob would laugh and confess what really went down, literally. So Bob takes off his drawers. Literally? Yeah. Dude, nice. Take a right. So Bob takes off his drawers, gets into position hovering over the litter box and starts to materialize his plan. His wife happened to open up the door where Bob was mid-poop and freaked out. The joke was on him when he got caught. Good. That's awesome. Also, like, getting caught versus, like, hey, remember a week ago? Nice shit in the litter box. That's not a better own. Did you notice? It's like, you don't do that. Someone said you couldn't make it to his car.

1:08:11Nice. Nice. Someone said, what is it with abusers and the toilet? My ex-dad did that to me as a kid a lot. talking to others in this group, etc. It seems to be really common with bad dads and bad husbands. Weird. Someone said this is a little more than petty revenge, but well played nonetheless. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Whoa. That's wild. I guess that's, other people are, like, have experienced that. What do you think is, like, where do you draw the line at, like, silly, cruel things you do to a partner? Like, would you fart on a partner? No. Okay. I think it's, like... Like, you wouldn't just be like, hopper.

1:08:51Like, you've never done that. Like, you've never. It's like, once again, if it makes them laugh. That's what it is. And you know that it makes them laugh, then it's fine. If two people, it's kind of a Schrodinger's box situation, right? Where it's, if there's two people and they're all. Schrodinger's fart. Don't poop in it. Schrodinger's fart. And there's two people, they're just the two of them. And one person does something to the other person that just makes them upset. It's not a joke. It's just, you're just making that person upset. Farting can be really funny, but you have to be on the same page about it.

1:09:21And it is like a roast. Is it going to make them laugh? Is it going to make you both laugh? Great. And I think, Ian, when you fart on somebody and they laugh with you, I think you found someone very special. You know what, Damien? You're right. And I hope I find that person. A gross little goblin. Because none of them had liked it so far. Keep scaring them away. But, yeah, that's really, yeah. Can I pitch a different vibe for that? Okay. Don't, like, fart on them. make it like a big moment like if I can stand up here like literally like walk away and be like oh yeah I forgot to say hey F and then like and then just like walk away like do something weird oh okay it's a good little twist and no one has to be mad yeah okay thank you for thank you for that advice yeah no worries I think you need to work your way up to what you want to do okay well you need to start with that you gotta stretch first okay your ass will fall clean off if you don't okay yeah but yeah you got it okay okay Okay, well guys.

1:10:19This is where we're leaving it. This is the cap of the video. I talk about farting on people that I've dated. All right, what else would you like to talk about? I just wanna be clear, I have not farted on all of the people that I've dated. I just, I wanna make that clear. Not every single person that I've dated I've farted. And now I'm just, now. Oh no, oh no. Oh no. See, this is all joke, guys. I have never farted. I've never farted on any of my partners before. No, that doesn't sound very believable, does it? Oh, no. Oh, my God. But I've never done it. Okay. I've never. Ian. It's never happened.

1:11:11Okay, we trust you. It's never happened. We trust you. It's okay. You know what's another fun one? Farting really loud, but then looking at the person scared immediately. You heard that too? Yeah. Yeah. It's a good one. Yeah.

1:11:32But only if they also want that. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Hey, everyone, go home and fart on your partner. You don't have to do that. Pokemon sweater. Not in their face, because that'll give them pink eye. Speaking of farts, Ghastly. Ghastly. And then there's Phantump on the back, which is sort of like a two-part fart that you sound like. All right. I can't believe this is how we're ending it. We have no choice. What about your erotic novel? Every comment. Oh, that's your erotic novel. The guy who farts on people. The fart that comes. The fart that comes. By Ian E. Gug. All right. All right. All right.

1:12:15I think there's, yeah. Okay. I think there's some legs to that story. These have been some X's. They have really been some X's. Yeah. Thank you both for joining me. And thank you for watching. Let us know down below. I don't know. Comment whatever you want. What's your erotic novel? Yeah. What kind of erotic novel should Ian write? Yeah. Let us know in the comments. I like that. What type of things should be involved in Ian's novel that he'll get started on very soon. And also let us know what other subreddits and themes you'd like to see on the show. And we'll see you next Saturday. Goodbye. Goodbye.