Jokes On Us | Reading Reddit Stories

23:22He's interrupting her sleep, which is such a like, vulnerable. And necessary. Necessary thing. Yeah. He put it, he hid it in her room, in her closet. It's like, you've been dating a year and a half, like that's her space. Right. You're invading her space. There's so many breaches of boundaries. Yeah. It's a, it's a total violation. And it's actually like a greater part of the terror that he was like, oh, I want this like overnight for you. Yeah. Comments. Let me give you advice to someone who's been on the receiving end of this, Someone who has your safety, mental health, and trust in one hand, and the ability to entertain themselves at the expense of another human being in the other, and they choose the second one, they're letting you know where you stand in their life.

24:05You were clearly suffering from this for multiple reasons, and he kept going. It was entertaining to him to watch you be scared and confused. The fact that he's sending you beeping messages and kicking a circle in the dirt going, sorry, while taking no accountability speaks volumes. He's not worth being with anymore. you deserve better than a partner that will torture you for their entertainment. Someone said, not overreacting. I agree stonewalling is inappropriate in a relationship. However, I don't think that's what you're doing. He's added trauma and anxiety to your life, and you're momentarily setting boundaries while you collect yourself and decide your next step.

24:37Me, I'd never talk to him again. This is psycho behavior and the biggest red flag possible. Other people have gone into more detail, so I don't feel I need to reiterate what others are saying. But bottom line, I want to reinforce that this behavior is absolutely not okay on his part and not something a supportive boyfriend or partner would ever do. Not to mention he just played it off like he didn't know when you expressed how much it was bothering you and continues to tease you about it. I don't think you're reacting enough. Yes. Yeah, I fully agree with that. I mean, if I'm a friend of hers, I'm like, his behavior is scary.

25:07Yeah. I'm like, not only do not talk to him, we need to go about this in the proper way of getting you distanced from this man. I mean, even just zooming out and looking at the crux of a relationship it's like you're in that because you care about the other person. You love them. You love their feelings. You want to take care of them. If somebody is actively being like, I am not in a good place. I'm actually anxious and I can't sleep. How is that not like setting off alarms for you? Being like, wait, this is my person. I need to help them. I need to stop doing this to her. Right. And instead he's like, I can't wait for this reveal.

25:43Like what? No, it's truly scary where this could go. I'm like, put this guy on a list. Yeah. Yeah, for real. Separate them. Lastly, someone said, going to focus only on the prank because you said boyfriend has noticeably improved in the other areas, which I hope is true because he sounds like he sucks. This would be a funny prank at an office or an open living space. Somewhere it happens occasionally, there can be a ha-ha moment together when it is found and it doesn't go on too long. Putting this deeply hidden in your bedroom and letting it run while you try to sleep is absolutely insane, huge asshole behavior.

26:16At absolute best, he has no consideration for your well-being. And at worst, he was trying to stress you out and drive you insane in a more serious sense than this prank could ever be. Not overreacting, and honestly, I hope for your sake this is a breaking point for you because this is insane. For real? Yeah. 100%. Wow. Oh my God. Well, we got the type of story I was expecting. There we go. A prank episode. Oh. And I've been told the next one is worse. Woohoo! Yay! All right, our next story comes from Relationship Advice. This was posted in August of 2023. I, a 28-year-old man, faked my own death as a prank, and now I'm afraid my girlfriend, who's 26, will leave me.

27:00Need advice. You left first. I don't think this is the first faking death prank story we've read on Reddit Stories, because I feel like I've made another Tom Sawyer joke before at some point. Also, haven't these people seen movies and things like this where it's like, what was it cast away she thought tom hanks was gone and then he comes back and they don't get back together because she's like i mourned you right no you don't how what and he and he lost wilson too and that was the real tragedy of the story kills me kills me every time i guess their thinking must be like let me make them feel really really sad so then when i come back it's like oh my god yay yeah but prank so that's that's a tactic to make me love to be loved more Yeah.

27:49I don't know. Maybe wires are getting crossed in their heads because clearly they're sick in the head. Let's hear a story. This is going to sound wild, but please hear me out. I recently made the most regrettable decision of my life by faking my own death as a prank. I know how it sounds. I thought it would be a big shock followed by relief and then laughter. I genuinely believe that it would be seen as just an elaborate joke, but the reality was far worse than I could have ever imagined. My girlfriend of four years has been supportive through thick and thin, and I can't believe I put her through the emotional turmoil of thinking I was gone.

28:19For two weeks, she grieved. She mourned, and I saw the post she wrote about me online. I came clean after realizing the deep pain I had caused. Now she's distant, and understandably so. She says she's reevaluating everything and that she never thought I was capable of something so cruel. She's still in shock and hasn't given me a clear answer about the future of our relationship. I love her deeply and I can't imagine my life without her. I know I messed up on an epic scale and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it right. I've already started therapy to get to the root of why I thought this was a good idea in the first place.

28:52But how do I approach this with her? How can I even begin to make amends? Is there any coming back from this or have I irreparably ruined the best relationship I've ever had? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Two weeks? Bro. Dude, it's over. And four year relationship. So you're in, you're in at four years. You're freaking inks. And I will say now we don't have an update, so we don't know how he went about this faking death, but it had to have been fucking brutal. Right, you have to do that on a massive scale. And she had to have believed he was dead. So how do you even pull that off? He'd have to go somewhere else.

29:33He'd have to lie to his entire family because four years in, they're hopefully probably all connected. all of his friends, like everybody in his life, he had to have pranked. And it seems like this is the only reaction he's... Or did he have friends who backed him up on this? I sure hope not. I sure hope not. Also, I don't think this needs to be said. Death isn't funny. Like, losing a loved one isn't funny. There's no joy in that. Right. There's no... Why would you think this would work out well? Right. Yeah. Especially, it seems like a younger person. Yeah. Like, oh my God. It's also, you know, it's not a prank.

30:14Like, you are going to make her believe 100%, even for a day, but for two weeks that you're dead. So she's now experienced that. And that was real. It's a true, real experience she went through. It reminds me of the story where a lady, unintentionally, she had a bath bomb that made the bath red. and then she fell asleep in the bath and her boyfriend and his brother found her in the bath and thought she had died. Yeah. And it's like, oh, she was like, oh no, I'm alive. I fell asleep in the bath and I just had a red bath bomb. But I'm like, for them, they have now experienced that. That trauma. That trauma is real.

30:52Yes. In their brain and body and nervous system. Yes, and he chose to actively create that for her. And so two weeks of it is fully, that's embedded. That's deeply embedded. Yeah. I mean, I will give him the credit in that it seems like he's also now coming to terms with what he did. And it seems like remorseful. And he's going to go to therapy to figure out why he thought it was a good idea. I think all that language is accurate. I just personally think that's not something that someone can get past. No, not at all. No. It's like, great, I'm glad you're going to figure out why you thought that was funny.

31:31but like you're not getting your relationship back. Right. You shouldn't get your relationship back. And it's, in his words, the best relationship of his life. So why gamble that? I mean, maybe self-sabotage? I was about to say like the most mega self-sabotage. It's like, Jesus, just cheat on her. I know. Holy shit. Yeah. I'm like, good God, dude. Oh my God. Be an Appletarian or something. Yeah, be an Appletarian. Oh Lord. Comments, wait, you let her think you were dead for two weeks? You were a horrific partner and if it were me, there would be no coming back. Nothing you could do would ever, ever make it right.

32:04Yeah. Someone said, two weeks? Jesus fucking Christ, what's wrong with you? What went through your head to do a two-week prank about being dead? I expected you to have done a five-minute prank and that was bad enough. Where the bloody hell were you during those two weeks? Didn't respond. Someone said, I mean, I'm impressed that your girlfriend is reevaluating the relationship and being distant instead of just leaving you. Some people are really lucky. I have no advice for you. You don't deserve it. If I see a post of your girlfriend around, I will tell her she deserves better and she needs more self-esteem.

32:33They wrote self-steam, just so you know. She doesn't need to reevaluate shit. She needs to dump you before you can say sorry again. You have no remorse. You are just afraid of the consequences of your actions. Your behavior is similar to a sociopath. And if your girlfriend has any sense of self-preservation, she will leave. And I say this again, I now understand why women are deciding to die single and having many cats. The bar is in hell, apparently. yeah dear god that's a lot i mean even even if it was like an afternoon even if it was like still are experiencing it yeah like it's still awful it's still that like initial like oh my god it's all the grief and everything that follows and then and then even just before that of like why would you think to do something like that to me unbelievable well this sucks get a load of this guy yeah the other guy suddenly seems better yeah Appletarian's not that bad Appletarian's funny because it's not because it's not this episode of Reddit Stories is sponsored by Hungry Root I've been extra busy in the new year and finding time to go to the grocery store has been a bit of a challenge that's why I use Hungry Root Hungry Root plans all my groceries for the week and they deliver everything I don't have to worry about eating healthy because Hungry Root does that for me.

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34:31Code pitreddit to get 40 % off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. Now, back to the show. Our next story comes from Am I the Asshole? This was posted in September of 2021. Am I the asshole for stranding my friend on her moving day because she pulled a prank on me? Let's see what the prank is. Then we'll be able to decide. Okay. I'm a 24-year-old man, and my friend Jess is a 22-year-old woman. We've known each other for about three years since we met in a class. We've always been platonic, and to be completely honest, I'm not the type of guy to go for it. Yesterday, Jess was supposed to move.

35:07I was going to drive my truck over to her place, help her load up her stuff, and get her out of her apartment. Her situation with her roommates has become highly unstable due to irreconcilable differences, so she was in a rush to leave. The day before yesterday, as a way of thanking me in advance, Jess ordered pizza for the two of us. We were sitting there watching a movie on my couch, being platonic friends as usual, and suddenly she inched closer to me. I figured it was nothing until a minute later she got a little closer. Then she got a little closer and all I could do was think about how it was finally happening.

35:38She squeezed up really close next to me and looked up at my face. I'm not the most confident guy, so all I could say was, hi, to which she responded, hi. Then she asked if I wanted to do something. I asked what something was, and she said, oh, you know, something. Still trying to keep room for plausible deniability, again. I laughed, and I said, I don't know what something was. She kept staring at me and nodding, and I thought I'd take my chances. I asked if I could kiss her. She immediately stood up, walked to the other end of the room, and sat down on the armchair. Then she took out her phone.

36:11I immediately apologized to her, and she said that I should just forget it. A few minutes of incredibly awkward silence passed, and then she said, I guess Kim, her best friend, was right. I asked what Kim was right about, and she explained that for several years, Kim has repeated again and again that I was only trying to get into her pants. Apparently, Kim put her up to testing me. I felt horrible. Immediately, I apologized to Jess again, said that while I found her attractive, I'd do nothing to hurt our friendship, and then apologized yet again. Jess accepted it while crying a bit. Then I told her she had nothing to worry about.

36:43After Jess went home, I got to thinking that it was incredibly mean-spirited that she would do that to me I apologized, but that juvenile high school prank just started to strike me the wrong way I talked to my sister, who I can talk to about anything, who reinforced that it was disgusting behavior Then she asked for Jess's address, which I declined to give her The next morning, instead of meeting up with Jess at the promised time, I just didn't I had taken the day off work, but I went in anyway because I wanted to get my mind off what happened Jess was blowing up my phone all day, and then I got a couple of texts from a number I didn't recognize, which I imagine was Kim.

37:16Finally, Jess called me a flaking creep, and that was the end. I'm really mixed on this. I feel kind of bad, but not so bad. Was I wrong? I think I need some clarification. I think I mixed up Jess and Kim for a second. Kim is Jess's friend. Who for years has been like, he only wants to get into your pants. And so Kim was like, you need to test him. So make him think you're super into him. And Opie said that he was platonically interested in this person, right? Opie said that we've always been platonic, but he is. But he is interested. He was saying like, oh, this is finally happening. Sure. He is attracted to her.

37:54So he was down for something, but he was never going to make a move. He was never trying to push for that. And they're painting that as bad on him. Yeah. Yeah. That he's attracted to her. In Kim's words, that he just wants to get in your pants. Gotcha. Yeah. Okay, okay. Even though he was like down to help her move, I don't know. Yeah, like it sounds like, to my interpretation was like, he's attracted to her, but he understands like, oh, but we're friends and whatever. So I'll put that aside. We're friends and I care about you as a friend. Right, but wasn't necessarily. I'm not expecting anything.

38:25Exactly. So she then tricks him into being like, oh, like are you down for something? And he's like, okay. And then. And then she's like, aha, I knew you were into me. I got you. Right. And then like emotional about it. I think that's mean. It's also not gonna be accurate because there's just a lot of people out there that might just be down. Even if he's not into you. Truly, a lot of single people out there are just like, all right. I mean, I might just be like, sure. Don't have a deal to me. And it's not that I'm trying to do something. But this is so weird. I mean, I hate tests. Anytime testing comes up.

39:04What are you doing? It also seemed like he was semi-respectful about it. He didn't do anything and then was like, okay. He kept going, what do you mean? Right. What is something? Okay, can I kiss you? Yeah. Also, this isn't a good test. There's no control. You're right. You need a control group. You need a control group. The variable. The variable. And she's coming on to him. Yeah. And so that's actually not the test. And then you have to submit it for peer review. Right, there's no review. Because we're peers. Oh. Oh, wow. How did you do that? Yeah, this is just a messed up situation, unfortunately, where he's not the asshole.

39:39He doesn't need to feel bad, but that's not a friend. No. That's not a friend. It's not going to work. The fact that she does that, but then it's like, oh, but you're helping me move still. It's like, this is just not good. This is just a situation. And if he wanted to, he could be like, cool, I'm not going to show up tomorrow. I was going to say. He could give her the heads up. He could have just been like, I'm not going to show up tomorrow. But also, it's like, I don't blame him for not going. Totally, totally. He was hurt, but I agree with you. I think even like a passive aggressive one, but just some sort of text that's like, I'm not gonna be there.

40:11That maybe would help with the communication of her bombarding him and stuff, but he's not a flaky creep. Yeah. No, I don't know. This kind of is all like, ugh, God. I know. Yeah, like why? They're just bored. This strikes me as one of those stories where I'm like, I need to know them in person to get more of the vibe. but I'm also just like, it just sounds like you guys are not gonna be friends. Like you're both young and it's just, yeah, you're 24, she's 22. It's just like, it's gonna be one of those friendships that when you're 30, you're like, yeah, we were not friends. That didn't work. A hundred percent.

40:44Verdict was not the asshole. Comments, not the asshole. Jess is manipulative and cruel. What a dick move. I'm sorry this happened to you. Someone said, not the asshole. You don't do that to your friend and expect them to help you just after. She should be the one apologizing. Someone said, not the asshole. That's a lousy stunt to pull on anyone, but especially a friend. It's a lose-lose situation for you. She hit on you and you responded positively. She got upset. If she had hit on you and you responded no, she still would have been upset. Apparently, she doesn't value your relationship as much as you do.

41:13You have every right to pull back and reassess your friendship, including wondering if she's just using you for what you do for her and how much money you spend on her, such as helping her move. That's a really good point. Yeah. Well, and also just like what would have happened, yeah, if he was like, I don't think I want to go there. So you think I'm ugly. Right. Are you going to help an ugly girl move? Uh-huh. It's an unfortunate situation because also you do it and he goes, oh, I'm not into you. But then he's now going, are you into me? And she goes, no, I was testing you. It's like, I wouldn't.

41:44So why'd you do that? I wouldn't believe that. I'd be like, oh, now this is weird. It's awkward no matter what. Yeah. There's no solution. That's why I don't like. Testing is really bad because even after you say, oh, I was testing you, it's like, you better hope they believe you. Yeah. Right. Right. Because many wouldn't. Now it's like if something else happens, it's like, is this a test? Just in response to what you're saying. Yeah. Now everything could be a test. True. I also have a hard time believing in any of these stories of these people who test other people that they would be okay with being tested.

42:14Oh, yeah. I never believed that it would work in the flip. Well, it's just probably out of fear or just not understanding that you can have a conversation with somebody. I think that person is right that Jess is just not valuing this friendship. Because then there would have been the barrier of, hey, other friend, Kim, you don't have to question that between us. I know our friendship. We are friends. Don't worry. But then if you still are like, oh, maybe Kim's right. I'm not sure. Then there's the very natural step of communicating with OP, your actual friend, and being like, hey, my other friend brought up some concerns.

42:48Just want to check. How are we doing? Is everything okay? Not, let's set up this weird test where I'm definitely going to lose you as a friend after. No matter what. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, if she actually cared about him as a friend, she would have wanted to talk to him. Just had a conversation. Yeah. And then you could navigate, oh, you could have feelings for me. Okay, well, I don't have that back. Are you okay with that? How does this look for us moving forward? You could navigate that positively. Yes. There is a solution in a conversation. But they're too scared. They're too scared, so they do a test.

43:19Oh, God. Boo. Boo. Boo. Our next story comes from Am I the Asshole. Am I the Asshole for playing a joke on a Starbucks worker and then reporting her? Stop. No. Leave the Starbucks worker alone. God, please. Let the barista be. They had to unionize. Their company is already torturing them. Exactly. Please. Leave them alone. Any service worker. No prank. No prank. No prank. No prank on service, please. Don't prank a service worker. So basically, I was ordering at a Starbucks, and I did the classic dirty name joke. I've done this before, and every time the worker laughed and found it funny, too. I thought it was a nice break from the serious customers who just want to get their coffee and go.

44:07And then they appreciated someone giving them some entertainment mid-shift. Clearly, I was wrong, and I apologize for that. I walked up, asked for a drink, paid for it, and gave her a name. In need more head. I need more head. That's good. That's the line she goes with. I need more head. Lazy. Which, if your accent doesn't really work for this name, mine doesn't, which is why it works so well. It sounds like I need more head in the area's native accent. Once my drink was ready, she read out the name and immediately realized what she had said. I raised my hand and started walking towards her to collect my drink, but she got this furious look on her face and hurled the drink across the room, with it landing at my feet and splattering all over my shoes.

44:52I just yelled, what the fuck at this? Because obviously now I need to clean up my shoes, which were Vans, and also because I paid for my drink already. I walked up to her and apologized, saying that I thought it was a harmless joke and that it wouldn't piss anyone off, and clearly I was wrong. She accepted my apology but told me she wouldn't be making another drink for me. I got pissed at this because I paid for this and Starbucks isn't cheap. Plus, she had ruined my shoes as well. I asked to speak to her manager, who then apologized for her and told her he'd remember this. I feel bad because Starbucks workers already deal with a lot of shit, and now I got into trouble for something that I 100 % caused.

45:31Am I the asshole? I kind of love throwing the drink. Honestly, it's like you get someone at their wits end. It's awesome to see that. No, hearing you say hurled your drink across was really satisfying. I don't know why I can't get over it. I'm laughing really hard at the inclusion that they're Vans. It's like she, which got all over my shoes, which are, by the way, shoes. Which are standard shoes. Which are standard shoes. So I'm like, thanks, man. I guess maybe, I don't know, if they're the kind of velvety kinds, maybe it's tough to clean. No, who cares? Yeah. Why not Wanda Blowjob? You know?

46:15I want to blow, I don't know. Instead of In Need More Head. In Need More Head is so lame. I kind of like it. Too bad you weren't the barista. I know. Do you like it in the Appletarian way where it's like this is kind of lame? Yeah, but then like it starts going back and forth so much then you never know, you know? Right. Like it's funny, but then it's unfunny, but then because it's unfunny, it's funny. Okay, what about gentrification? Fun, you know? Where are the fun names? Then I would be like, ha ha. That one's good because it's at a Starbucks, so it's real. Exactly, exactly. So then you go, Jen.

46:48Yeah, I think maybe the issue here is in both the cases of Wanda Blowjob and they need more head, it makes the person who's saying the names look like such a fool. Of course. A big, big fool. I'm not saying the problem is just the name. Yes. I'm just saying if we're going to do it, can we do it good? And if we do it good, I think that's a little bit more lighthearted where it's like, ha ha, I said that out loud. You got me. but I didn't say something that I'm super embarrassed about. Right, exactly. At work. Yeah, I just love that she threw it. That rocks. See, I was picturing her too. Yeah, she's like, I need more head.

47:24God damn, bam! I need more head. That is the funniest action taken in all these stories we've read today. Exactly. Now, if I was there in person, I'd be like, whoa. Uh-oh, whoa. Yes, yes. Would I remember it forever? Yeah. Now, how do we feel about her refusing to make another drink? She's like, I accept your apology. No more beverages for you. No more beverage. No more head. I mean, if the manager wants to step in and, like, make another drink, sure, whatever. But, like, I think, I don't know. I, for some reason, feel so hard for this Starbucks employee. It's like, if I were the manager, I'd be like, you were right.

48:04Like, I would, like, pull her aside and be like, that was awesome. Go take a five. I'm going to handle this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think so. So, yeah, I'm like, it's hard. It doesn't feel like, I'm not like incredibly mad at this guy because, again, it seems like he's like, I feel bad. I shouldn't have done that. I was just trying to like keep it lighthearted and have some fun. But I also am like, yeah, that sucks if you're not in the mood for it and you just told the coffee shop that you want more head. Like, that sucks. It's like, it's 5 a.m. Yeah, exactly. That sucks. It's like if you're at your wit's end and you're dealing with something at home and then it's at the end of your shift and you work out at Starbucks.

48:40it's like, you don't need a prank. You don't need a prank, no, you need more heads. I'm like, don't prank strangers. Like, it's just, don't know what this person's going through. Yes. I'm like, and I'm like, you're gonna complain about the price. I'm like, your first mistake was going to Starbucks, dude. 100%. You're spending so much money for dog shit. Right. Like, come on, man. Yeah, I think that's a good lie. If you have your local spot where you know the baristas and you've got a rapport with them, cool, have fun. But you don't know this person. Nope. I can only assume based on just this post that I'm like, I'm guessing you're probably someone who's in their 30s or 40s and this barista is like 20 or something.

49:21Or just someone who's been working and they do not want to be working there. Yep. They're just grinding through the day, getting paid nothing for this bullshit. It comes off as a little selfish and definitely inconsiderate because it's just like, this will surely be funny for me. Let me do this. Yeah. And you don't know the person, so like you're saying, you don't know what's going on with them today. And like, cool, it worked for some other baristas. You know that baristas are not one person. Yeah. They're all a different person with a different life. They're not Nurse Joy. Like OP, but OP views them like Nurse Joy.

49:53I know. It's like, oh, well, it made the other baristas laugh, and you're all the same. I think what you just said is, again, the core of the whole prank thing is it's like, he finds it funny. They should find it funny, too. Yes. That's the issue. All the parties have to be almost like consenting before it happens. Exactly. I will say, though, unfortunately, she, I mean, we don't know what kind of coffee he ordered. If she threw hot coffee at a person, that's. It does. That does change things a little bit. And if you're a manager and you're like, oh, you threw hot coffee at a customer. Like. At his vans.

50:27I understand. At his vans, no less. At his vans. It is like a, it's just kind of like. That's where it is more danger. Like, yeah, being a barista is a tough job. That sucks ass. That's very true. You cannot throw hot coffee. That could be a huge lawsuit. Totally. Like, I'm like on her side emotionally, but I'm also like, hey, you can't be doing that. I can't defend. Yeah. In my mind, it was a vanilla bean frat. I was imagining the rainbow unicorn situation. I'm imagining like, the amount of people who order hot coffee at Starbucks, I just don't feel like it's that many. I feel like people go there for iced things.

51:01Yes, that is correct. And so I'm imagining it's an ice drink. The way he's responding is not sounding like it was a hot coffee. He didn't say, oh my God, they burned that. He's like, this is inconvenient. Yeah. Because, yeah, if it's a burning hot coffee, that's. I feel like he would have said, my feet got burned, not my vans got stained. Yeah. He would have included that as well, so as to give us not just all the information, but also, like, get us more on his side. Yeah. Because we would have picked that up. Yeah. But also, to go back, his prank is also making a stranger say, I need more head, which is very uncomfortable and sexual and nature and everything.

51:35So a lot going on here. Verdict was asshole. Comments, you're the asshole. This wasn't a harmless prank. It was sexual harassment. Haven't you been living in the modern world? Surely you've been trained at work on what sexual harassment is and that you should not participate in it. So why would you bring sexual harassment into the workplace of a service worker? Cruel asshole move. someone's, OP said, I'm still in school. Oh my God. No. Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no. What, what, how old, what grade? OP says, I'm still in, I'm in fifth grade. OP said, I'm still in school. I'm 13. No. Turning 14. I'm sorry I didn't know making someone say a dirty name was sexual harassment.

52:22Well, this changes a lot. Well, that would have been information. Include your age, OP. I was imagining like a 35-year-old man. I was imagining a 35-year-old man too. Way ahead of his time with the wordplay. Wait, this 13-year-old has impeccable writing ability. Yeah, wait. Also, I need more head. I will say kind of shitty, which would be a 13-year-old. That's the only evidence. Okay, okay. giving a prank name I would say I know 13 year olds do pranks and shit this feels kind of like beneath a 13 year old in a way that I'm like no a 13 year old is going to do something far more devastating than a prank name at Starbucks this explains the Vans you guys OP let me read this whole comment first OP says I'm still in school I'm 13 turning 14 I'm sorry I didn't know making someone say a dirty name was sexual harassment someone responded to that saying I feel like you are possibly lying about your age because if you admit you're an adult, the judgment would be even harsher.

53:28The post doesn't read like it was written by a 13, 14-year-old, but the behavior certainly suggests that age range. I'm looking back at this post, and they write, I walked up, asked for a drink, paid for it, and gave her a name, A Need More Head, which if your accent doesn't really work for this name, mine doesn't, which is why it works so well, in parenthesis. It sounds like A Need More Head and in the area's native accent. I'm like, buddy, you might be an extremely, somehow an extremely mature 13-year-old, which I know is possible, but you're doing the thing of like, he even writes, so basically I was ordering it at a Starbucks and I did the classic dirty name joke.

54:11Classic dirty name joke as a 13-year-old? How do you know what a classic thing is? I'm just really not buying it. I think this is a douchebag who's like, fuck, I'm 13. It feels like that would have also been included in the story. No way a barista's hurling a drink at a 13-year-old. Yeah. No way. And also probably not even accepting the order. What 13-year-old is coming up to the counter and paying for their own Starbucks? And they're also saying, okay, no, I'm not buying it to the 13-year-olds. They're like, oh, I go up and I do this to the baristas all the time and it makes them laugh. I'm like.

54:47What barista's like, hello, eighth grader? You're a regular at this place where you make the baristas laugh? No. 13-year-old? No. Here comes little Jimmy. Once again, I know it's possible. I'm just, this is totally reading as an adult man. Yeah. 13, I believe, is like eighth grade. An eighth grader is ordering at Starbucks regularly. Also, frankly, because I'm thinking back, me and my friends during eighth grade would go and we would fuck with people. Sure. Places. But if you're giving a fake name at Starbucks, it's not gonna be a need more head. it's gonna be, yeah, fuck face, cum, dude. Exactly.

55:22Exactly. You're gonna be like, it's stupid and bad. And you're probably with your friend group because you're all like, he, he, he, this is so funny. This guy's by himself. He's by himself like, I told them a dirty joke. No. The classic. He's not 13. He's not 13. He would have said that earlier. He's saying it in response to the comment because it's a scary comment and brings up heavy topics and he got scared. Also, I just got to say, I'm guaranteeing this is not a 13-year-old, because if you've read any internet comments ever, 13-year-olds always go, I'm 13. And this and that, you know, they love saying that they're 13.

56:02They start with it. They start. They start by saying, I'm 13. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Or, like, there would just be lots of other, like, you know, there'd be clues. There'd be signs inside of the writing. and I don't think 13-year-olds have that layer to be able to discern on social media of like, oh, let me pull this away so that people aren't biased about my age. That's not something that they would think about. This 13-year-old is fluent in millennial writing. Like, fluent. And I'm like, I'm just not buying it. You sound way too lame. Like, you know, 13-year-olds are gonna make fun of me and I'm like, no.

56:39Right. Right. We bought it because we believed it for a second. And then it's like, wait, you go back and you're like, I can't believe it. I can't believe it. Is it a throwaway account? Yeah, there's no other post. Okay, no other post. I'm not buying it. I think this is a grown man. 35. Absolute loser. Someone said, as someone who is a woman and who also worked at Starbucks, thus dealing with my fair share of sexual harassment, you're the asshole 100 times over. What you did wasn't a joke. It wasn't funny. It was absolutely disgusting. and you should be banned from that store. The fact that you got her in trouble for your behavior makes it even worse.

57:13And you're right. Starbucks employees get a lot of crap from customers and even their managers. But you doing that didn't make things any better. If you can't act your age, then stay at home. Even if you're 13. Right. Act your age. Act your age. Yeah. Someone said that's sexual harassment. You're the asshole. She doesn't owe you shit. In terms of reporting her, you completely manufactured this horrendous situation from nothing. And she was literally just trying to work. So you're the asshole times two. And wait a minute. He said he's 13 turning 14. 13-year-olds don't say that. They say they're 13 and a half.

57:44I think people give up the half by that age. Did you? It's okay. We'll let you have that. I didn't know you guys have 13. Oh, Rasha's 13. I'm 13 and a half. All right. The kids are saying it. Let's bring the whoopee cushion back out. I also, nah, I'm reading too much into it. I don't care. I don't, let us know if you think OP is 13. Yeah. I'm not buying it. Yeah. Yeah. I want to see like how they're like writing their words, but just the way that they put it together. It's written just perfectly. No typos, capitalizations, all correct. Which is fine. I think there's plenty of 13 year olds who are really well written, but it's just the wording.

58:23It's just how it's coming across. It's written as someone who has experience with like just being a lame idiot for a lot longer. Yeah. Also, I got like, she wouldn't make another drink for me. I got pissed at this because I paid for this and Starbucks isn't cheap. It's like, buddy, if you're 13, you don't have a job. So you're talking about money in a very different way than just like, this isn't cheap. I used my whole allowance on. I'm like, you're going to Starbucks a lot. You also just say like, oh, I'm still in school. I'm 13 turning 14. I'm like, you would say I'm in middle school or I'm in high school.

58:57People who say I'm in school are referring to college, I feel like, usually. Yeah, I'm still in school. Actually, yeah, that discourse about money is so real. Because when you're a kid, you don't know, what costs a lot and what doesn't. Right. I don't even care about the story anymore. I'm like, you're an adult saying you're 13 online. Asshole. You're a criminal now. You're going to jail, buddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You and your vans. And if you are 13, if you are actually 13, you are the funniest person. Yeah, so sorry. Out of everything. So sorry if you're 13. Sorry if you're 13. So sorry. If you're 13, we need to study your brain or something.

59:34Yeah. Because you're developed. You're the Four Seasons baby. Yes. A little bit older. Me. Moving on to our last story. Today I fucked up by thinking divorce was an April Fool's gag. Oh. Oh no. Shit. Oh, don't divorce someone on April 1st. This was posted April 2nd of 2019. Oh God. God, just don't do anything. Let me preface this off by blaming all of you, the entirety of Reddit, for desensitizing me. and giving me major trust issues on April Fool's Day. So here it goes. Yesterday, I got a group text from my wife, Sarah's side of the family, stating there was an emergency family meeting happening that night over dinner at my mother-in-law Barb's house.

1:00:18I immediately had April Fool's spidey senses starting to tingle, but we haven't all gotten together since Christmas, so I overlooked it and said we, my wife and I, were in. We were the last to arrive, and it was pretty somber when we walked in. We all sat down at the table, and my wife's brother, Tim, informed the family that his wife, Ashley, has been having an affair and they are divorcing. The affair was with a longtime close family friend, Chris, who lived a block away. Chris's wife, Jen, had caught them when she came home early one day last week and broke the news to Tim. Both families have been friends for years.

1:00:51They live less than a block from each other. They each have been married for 15 plus years, have four kids right around the same age. Honestly, I have always thought both of them were picture-perfect families. Hell, all four of them and their kids were at our house two weeks ago for a barbecue. Anyways, after airing a lot of dirty laundry and their plans to divorce, how it could affect future family functions, and opening it up to the group for any questions, there was silence. I broke the silence with laughter and a slow clap. Like a villain? Saying this was the best April Fool's gag I've ever seen, but I wasn't falling for it.

1:01:29I told Ashley and especially Tim that they needed to consider going into theater. Their performances were top-notch and tears seemed genuine. Being the newest member of the family, my wife and I married six months ago, this was probably not the best thing to say in hindsight. I probably should not have said anything. Everyone in the room looked horrified. My mother-in-law, who had been crying the entire time, lost all composure. She left the room in hysterics and did not return before we left. Tim just shook his head and his cheating wife actually let out a brief chuckle before calling me out for being a dumbass for thinking this was a ruse.

1:02:02Then berated me for being so insensitive. The rest of the family sat in silence shaking their heads as my wife berated me for trying to make a joke out of a serious situation. I am still dumbfounded. In hindsight, I probably should have sat in silence, but I honestly still feel like I was calling out an April Fool's gag. In OP's defense, it was April 1st. for sure. That's kind of the only thing he's got on his defense. That's kind of his only card. Yeah. But it's kind of just like, wait. Was that the end of the story? That's the end of the story. Wow. Yeah, it is kind of like, you are the newest member of the family.

1:02:37You can sit this one out. Right. Yeah. It's like, if it's an April Fool's gag, they're gonna come around and do it. Let them have it. That's one of those, it's one of those where you kind of, if it's a prank, you kind of can't do anything about it. Even if you know it's a prank, you're like, well, I'm not going to be the one who says no. Exactly. This isn't happening. Right. Like, what are you going to win by being the identifier of this prank? Right. If for whatever reason this is a prank, they clearly are wanting to pull a big prank. Yeah. And they're wanting to do it. They're wanting to pull out all the stops, having the whole family there.

1:03:14It's a whole thing. It is selfish of you to think that you're going to be a big part of it by revealing it when you are a new member of this family. Exactly. Oh, that's painful. This sucks. This is so curb your enthusiasm. 100%. This is 100 % curb your enthusiasm. I thought it was gonna be his own divorce, which was just gonna be really sad, but this is now just making it worse for everybody else. Yeah. He could only one-up this by when the cheating wife called him a dumbass. He could have been like, well, you cheated on your husband. Right. To be fair. To be fair. I'm not the worst person in the room right now.

1:03:52Yeah, yeah. You're here. Can we talk about, that is a tense ass situation. The wife who cheated is there in the room. They are all there. I have never heard of that type of situation. No, I've never heard of a meeting. Yeah. I mean, it's probably a very involved, intertwined family and they're like, we need to tell everybody what happened. Oh my God. I mean, there's like, you could do it over text. You could, you could. I mean, Barb couldn't even take it. And she left the room. To be like, hey, I don't have to be here for this. Yeah. Every situation when I've heard of someone cheating, it's like you talk to the party who was cheated on and you're like, all right, we're talking to you.

1:04:33Yeah. I guess now that I'm looking at it, a family meeting to discuss a divorce is slightly bizarre. It's a situation I've never heard of. I've certainly never been part of. So maybe he has that on his side too. He has it on his side. He just shouldn't have clapped and laughed. I would have been okay, it would have been okay if he even was just like, hey, like. It's like, what? It's what I expected you guys to do when I took off the trench coat. Well, taking off the trench coat was not the prank. Right. Sitting down was the prank. To be fair, you take off the trench coat. You can't still clap yourself an hour after you did the prank.

1:05:07You took off the trench coat, revealing a taped whoopee cushion on your back, and then sat down. Like, Tommy saw it before you sat down. Yeah, how did you see it? With my eyes.

1:05:23But I had the trench going on. You took it off. You took it off and threw it on the ground. You could have kept it on to sit down again. Yeah, we still would have heard the fart. Nope, don't clap yourself again. Because there's a version, it's April 1st, you have this crazy meeting where it's like, we're all together because she cheated on me and this is all going to happen. Where you could, maybe if you could go, hey, like, I'm sorry, I'm having a hard time believing this. It's April 1st, please tell me this is a joke. Yeah. That's what it is, please tell me this is a joke. Please tell me this is a joke.

1:05:54And they go, no, it's not. I think they still would have been like, what? How can you even suggest that, but then move on? Yeah, it'd still be better. You could still get over that little moment other than going like, ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah, yeah, that's rough. Yeah, it's incredibly fulfilling though. It's really satisfying to do. Yeah. But it's like, that's not your moment. No. Geez. Yeah, the top comment is, why would the cheating wife be there for this? OP said, it was her decision to divorce. My brother-in-law is still open to working things out, but she is planning on starting over with the guy she had an affair with.

1:06:30As poor of a decision as this seems to be, I think she realizes that she's going to have some limited contact with this side of the family over the years. So to be clear, she's the worst person still in that room. He's just the biggest dumbass somehow. That's so, so sad. No, her thinking it's going to work out with the guy she's having an affair with does make her the biggest dumbass in the room. And also just a terrible, like, there's so many kids involved. Yeah. No, I get it. He did the, like, Seinfeld situation, but she's still the reason everyone's hysterical. Totally. 100%. If there's going to be a villain in the story, it's her.

1:07:05Oh, she's the villain. Yeah. Right. He's just a side little. He's the jester. He's the jester. He's the village idiot. Yeah. Someone said, who gets the whole family together to tell them they're getting divorced? How weird. Also, anybody who makes big announcements on April 1st is just asking for it. You did nothing wrong. Someone said, I broke the silence with laughter and a slow clap. Rest in peace, your marriage is next. Divorced! Opi said, tell me about it. I've gotten eight texts while at work asking why I would post this on Reddit. Apparently it's on the front page. Yeah, dude, what are you doing?

1:07:39Oh my God. What are you doing, man? Come on. No. Come on, bro. This guy, this guy is, he's George Costanza. 100%. Yeah, 100%, dude. Oh, God. Sorry, you said that OP later goes on to say there's Nest cameras in the house. Should he post the footage? This guy is somehow, yeah, he's the biggest dumbass in the room. He's a buffoon. He's a buffoon, and that's okay. We've got to go back to the beginning of the post, too, because he even says, like, he's like, I blame Reddit because it's, like, your fault. So he probably just spends most of his time on Reddit. This is a Redditor. This is a full-on Redditor.

1:08:16Yeah. He's forgotten regular human. So he's like, hey, all my friends on here, you guys want to see the moment that I was an idiot? Yeah. Well, he's also 13. He's also 13. Right, and a half. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they're like, get out. And he's like, okay, well, thanks for the cake, kind stranger, and then leaves. To go to school. Classic divorce. Yeah. Angry upvote. Yeah.

1:08:43Oh, God. I guess this is the part where I tell you guys that one of those stories might not have been real. I mean, that's probably the case for every episode of this show. No, she's cooking on something. She's trying to find something. Find the thing. Find it. I, ha-ha, pranked you. I wrote one of those stories. Which one? What were they again? Right, right, right. We've already forgotten the stories. The toast, the baby poop on the toast. That wasn't from this episode. That was from a year and a half ago. I've been waiting. You weren't in that episode. Wow. Well, these were all awful. Yep. Makes me think back on Apple.

1:09:34Appletarian somehow comes out looking pretty good. I'm like, you know what? I'll give you a pass. Yeah. In the general scheme of things. And these were all male pranksters, right? Well, Arasha, of course. We don't know. Technically, the 13-year-old, we technically don't know, but we can only assume. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, the girl who tested and pranked him, she tested him. It's like not a prank. It's not necessarily a prank. It's just a bad person action. Because the prank has the idea that this is going to be funny. She was testing him. So it's prank adjacent. Yeah. So she was shitty, but not in a prank way.

1:10:08In a bad person action way. In a bad person action way, yeah. Well. Hey, we did it. We did it. Hey, we did it. Thank you both for joining me today. I can't believe this is the final episode of Reddit. It's crazy. Final episode. Should we go back into our behind the couch? Oh, yeah. Should we end the episode behind the couch again? So that it's like a loop. All right. Yeah, because you're going to replay this over and over again. Yeah, this will just restart. and that'll be fun for you. All right. Thanks for watching and we'll see you next Saturday. Bye. We're getting back behind the stuff.

1:10:50You got Shane. You got Shane.