R/evenge | Reading Reddit Stories

8:35Tommy Bowe:With a little butane with a little bow on it. Pretty good. Out of reach.

8:38Damien Haas:I would have put a bunch of just like meat smells on his tent. You would have followed him out to his campsite.

8:45Tommy Bowe:Yeah. And like attracted like wild animals to his. Attracted a bear to his tent. You're getting ahead of me here.

8:50Damien Haas:I would have made meat smells all over his tent. Then I would have worn a bear outfit, right? Right. Because this is in Idlewild where there's no bears. Right. So really scare him. See, Shane's getting it.

9:02Tommy Bowe:Yeah, yeah.

9:02Damien Haas:I befriend the bears, learn their language, become one of them. That's good. And then stab him in his sleep. Stab him in his sleep. Yeah, stab him in his sleep.

9:09Tommy Bowe:He deserves to die.

9:10Damien Haas:With a harpoon. Nice.

9:12Tommy Bowe:The thing I'm stuck on is make meat smells.

9:14Damien Haas:Right. You know, you just make them.

9:17Tommy Bowe:And our next story.

9:20Damien Haas:Yeah, we like, you don't have a pocket full of corned beef at all times, Tommy. Oh, I do. Oh, I do. Sure.

9:26Tommy Bowe:It's right there. Okay, buckle up for the title of this next one. Okay. This is from a Today I Fucked Up. Today I fucked up by playing music for a sex dungeon. Woo!

9:39Damien Haas:I love that. Video game soundtracks on loop. Pokemon, red and blue. I hope that's classical music. Yeah. I currently live in an apartment building in Seattle. Nearby my unit is a man named Frank and his girlfriend, who is quite vocal, thus why I know her boyfriend's name. Now Frank and his girlfriend have incredibly loud sex Throughout the entirety of Friday and Saturday nights Annoyed by all the sound And trying to find a way to blot it out I began a habit a few months ago Of playing music, singing, playing guitar Whenever they would start doing the dirty Over the course of the last couple months As an added bonus I could hear my neighbors yell, sing Throughout the night So I assumed that my playing was a helpful solution To an unfortunate circumstance Born by all of the other neighbors around me However, tonight, I noticed something kind of strange They were having sex, per usual And I began to play music to cover up the sound I stopped to drink some water between songs When some of my neighbors started yelling Play!

10:38For some reason, though I didn't do anything for a few seconds And I heard the guy, Frank's, voice call out Keep playing or I'm not going to come Through the walls I listened a while longer to see if I'd heard correctly and they both kept moaning the same thing. It was at this point that I came to a terrible conclusion. In my attempts to cover up the sound of them having sex, I managed to pull some weird Pavlovian trick where whenever they had sex, I played guitar and sang. Thus, whenever I started to play guitar to cover up an original sound, it just added to their voyeuristic thrill and they started to depend upon it to finish.

11:16When I heard my presumed neighbors yell sing, it was actually Frank and his girlfriend. Unsure if I was right, I started playing another song, and when I finished, they were going as hard as possible.

11:27Tommy Bowe:Yep. They were going as hard as possible and moaning heavily, so I figured that I'd assumed correctly. My neighbors get understandably angry that my music playing has made this neighbor couple have sex. So then they began to have really rough revenge sex against my wall because they think that I've caused this problem, which I have. At this point, I'm listening to Frank and his girlfriend and the couple next to my wall, one couple horny and one full of revenge, And all of this was because I tried to save myself from listening to sex in the first place. Does that count as an orgy? I think you have to share a space.

12:01You have to share a space? For it to be an orgy. Because he's playing music, which is helping one couple. And the other couple is having sex to piss him off. To piss him off. It's as close as I feel like.

12:11Damien Haas:That's like an orgy during COVID. Everybody start at the same time. Everybody start your Netflix at the same time. Yeah. With apartments, it's a wild thing. of like this, there is a wall. We are technically sometimes in an apartment. It's like, oh, I'm six feet away from people having sex. Yep. Shout out perfect person, Miles Bonsignore. We were just talking about him. He had said something about like, you know, noisy neighbors. He's like, when you realize you're actually like, oh, we're in a community and we're sharing this home, it changes your mind on people being loud and like toddlers running around above you.

12:41Damien Haas:And like, it's just part of it. Yeah. This though, this is a revenge. Sex for the sake of noise is a lot of steps. Like, I was on board with the story until that third part, and now I'm like, huh? The revenge sex is confusing. I'm like, there's a lot. Like, you're mad about the sound, so you're going to have sex? Yeah. I was like, all right. Fine, Buster. We'll break out of our cold, angry marriage. Yeah, because you couldn't stop singing. You revived our dead bedroom because we hate you so much. You're a libido necromancer because here we go. Yeah. This guy is making a lot of people cum. and he's chilling in his room by himself playing guitar.

13:22Damien Haas:Dude, you gotta market that. This guy cannot go play on the Metro.

13:25Tommy Bowe:No. He cannot.

13:27Damien Haas:It's going to be horrifying. Turns out he's Kenny G just playing like alto saxophone.

13:33Tommy Bowe:What kind of music do you think he's playing to get him? It must be good. It's gotta be. He's singing Runaround by Blues Traveler. We got 50 copyright strikes just now.

13:45Damien Haas:I think it's all Sister Hazel, Blues Traveler. Yeah. A little cake here and there. Yeah, a little cake. He's never there. This is weird. I don't think it's anybody. Nobody's revenge is anything here. This is all just a weird circumstance. Yeah. And the neighbors also shouldn't be mad at the OP because, like, the music made it worse. Okay, we'll talk to the people having extremely loud primal sex screams. We have some comments here. Stream all the Weird Al Yankovich, Spike Jones, or other Dr. Demento type stuff and leave your place for a while. Someone said you should play the most ridiculous and childish song you know as an experiment.

14:23For example, you could sing the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse song and see if they can come.

14:27Tommy Bowe:That's awesome. Oh, so now we're seeing if they can come. Now it's like, how far can we go with this? Let's push it to the next level. Someone said do you hear any other sounds like arguing or cooking? Masturbate to anything you can hear and throw it back at them. Keep watching Michael Bay films. I'm almost there. This guy should not take any of their advice.

14:48Damien Haas:I think at the very least, this guy should move. Like, I know it's not easy, but, like, this is not a... These people are not going to listen to Reason.

14:55Tommy Bowe:Yeah.

14:56Damien Haas:You're going to be like...

14:57Tommy Bowe:I moved out of an apartment once because of my neighbor.

14:59Damien Haas:Oh, yeah? Yeah. Because of the sex?

15:01Tommy Bowe:Well, he did have goofy sex, where it sounded... I was like... Gorge! Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, you're on. But, no, we got in an argument. I think I've dropped this lore before. But he would just be, like, on the phone and be like, Yeah, we need to sell and reroute. and I'm like, are you a cartoon? Anyway, so yes, I think this person could eventually move, but that's not, it's not an easy thing to do unless you have two friends who have a room in their home and they want you to move there. Have you guys ever had these, speaking of just noisy neighbors, with apartments specifically, have you ever had the like stereotypical upstairs neighbors?

15:36Where it's like, what the hell are they doing? Like, are they, did they build a bowling lane in their living room and they're bowling? Yeah. No, it's like fascinating what some upstairs neighbors do where I've had neighbors where I'm like, and I've actually figured it out, and I'm like, I'm pretty sure they were working out. I think they were doing an aerobics or P90X type thing. It's just a lot of movement. I'm like, what the hell? P90X, my God, I haven't thought about that. Yeah, just some crazy movement going on.

16:06Tommy Bowe:I unfortunately am the upstairs neighbor currently, and we're chill. We're cool. When the power went out during the wind storm that we had. He came and gave me a flashlight. We're chill. We're awesome. But I drop things every day. I can't stop dropping things. I'm just a dropper. I'm a dropper. I'm a dropper. Sue me. So like middle of the night, I have my phone and I'll just be like, I'm like, I'm sure he's like, what the hell, Tommy? What are you doing? I'm just dropping stuff.

16:35Damien Haas:I only ever had loud upstairs neighbors once. And that was just because they had a toddler. And like, so any noise I heard, I was like, that's the toddler. but at the same time I was just like I guess I didn't I wasn't making memories until like three years old but I also don't know what the kid was doing because it literally just sounded like do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do and it would do that for like an hour and a half every day I'm like is this just your you just do your runs you just do your I think that's what they do

17:02Tommy Bowe:yeah and there's a there's a period when you're a little baby where you stomp and you don't walk because you don't have knees yet

17:08Damien Haas:Shane doesn't well you do the like stomp yeah

17:11Tommy Bowe:yeah Wow. Wow. Well, that was quite the story.

17:15Damien Haas:Yeah, and I never want to hear it again. You know what? I can hear it again. Let's run it back. Let's read it again. Otherwise, I won't be able to finish intercourse. There you go. I, it just dawned on me that people have definitely had sex to probably every single type of show we've done on Smosh. Oh, don't do this. Are you kidding me? Of course, background noise. Just like, things happen, right? I know 99 % are driving or they're getting ready for their day. There are people who probably accidentally... It's probably by accident. I'm like, it's not intentional. I just mean like, I don't think it's intentional.

17:49But we've made, what, a million videos? That's true.

17:53Damien Haas:No, it's possible. And there's a lot of people watching. It's the Netflix like, are you still there? Do you need to get there?

18:02Tommy Bowe:Yeah, no, I definitely have had Dance Moms just running and then gotten into it. and then I hear Abby yelling and I'm like, I gotta turn this off because it's taken me out. Wow. So I'm sure it actually has happened. It's probably happened. A horrific thing to think about. Come right now!

18:18Damien Haas:Did you do it? Did you do it? Did you do it? Someone did. They're like, did you know if you start Smosh Reddit Stories 193 and you're gonna line it for when Katami says come right now? Sorry. Jesus. Do you know if you start Smosh Reddit Stories right at the 30 minute mark, You can come at the 31-minute mark. Tommy gives you permission, which makes it great. Sorry. All right, moving on. All right. Okay. This next story comes from Relationship Advice.

18:49Tommy Bowe:Okay. This is a 25-year-old man. My girlfriend, who's 24, destroyed my tanks of fire ants. Oh. Oh. Tanks. Tanks of fire ants. Tanks. He's prepping for something.

19:02Damien Haas:Yeah, that's a large volume of ants. Before you ask, no, she doesn't have a problem with me keeping ants. I'm quite sure that's not the reason. We had an argument earlier today. Later, I left to get groceries and let her chill out. Came back, soon saw the state of the ant room, spare smaller bedroom where I keep them. Guess I should give a crash course on ant farms so this makes sense. We know. We get it.

19:28Tommy Bowe:Ant room. Continue. Most have two compartments. One emulates the underground colony with tunnels and chambers where the queen nests. Then this is connected by a tube to a second part that emulates the above ground world where the workers go to forage for food. Hope that makes sense. So anyway, my girlfriend had disconnected the two compartments, dumped the colony on the floor, so that's soil plus ants, and dismantled the sides of the outworld part to leave the contents all over the place. I am lucky everything is plastic or there'd probably be broken glass everywhere too. I've had these ants for over two years.

20:05There's hundreds of them. I have put hours and hours of work into growing this colony and crafting their environment. I know it will sound weird or stupid to some people, but it's my hobby. Similar to keeping fish in aquariums. It's like if someone dumped out your water and threw all the gravel and ornamentals around. Plus leaving your fish to die. Except while I'm sure some of the ants have died Plenty are still alive for now They have free fucking range of the entire house now I am furious Red fire ants are an invasive species That's gained a foothold in some parts of the country Luckily, not our part because of the climate But as long as they're alive They'll sting any unsuspecting person Who comes into contact with them Or is walking barefoot They can cause serious allergic reactions in some people This can be fatal Ants are drawn to dark places so they'll very likely go into the walls.

20:55And don't worry, yes, I've thoroughly alerted the other tenants in the house, what happened and how to protect themselves. This is serious shit. And my girlfriend could not be fucked to think of anyone else as long as she got her revenge. I'm just so pissed because I put in so much research, always took the utmost care, safely handling them, never even had an accident, and now it's all trashed. They're loose, not because I did something wrong, but because she went psycho. But everyone will still think it's my fault. Let's be real, insects and other exotic pets, especially ones that pose a risk if they escape or are handled improperly, aren't exactly looked well upon.

21:27The owner is always held responsible. She did apologize. She said she just got carried away because she was upset. But I just don't buy that because if she honestly had no control in the moment, then why were my aunts the only thing to end up destroyed? In a really thorough way at that. She knows it's important to me. It's not like she just attacked my old books from college or something. Also, she'd been wearing shoes and gloves. That tells me the planning was there to

21:58This is 2020. everyone is hunkered down right now we're in separate rooms as I am trying to clean this shit up as best I can and she shut herself in the bedroom no idea what to do now I'm still in shock she did this I'll need to fumigate the whole apartment to be sure they're gone and who knows when that will be able to happen P.S. living together for almost a year dating for more than two if it matters

22:25Damien Haas:whoa whoa obviously like I am overflowing with ant farm facts now and I love that and thank you. And it's not she shouldn't have done that. Not asking what did you deserve it. But he didn't talk at all about what the revenge was for. And I had that in my mind too. I'm just curious before we discuss it holistically what happened? Right. Right. We do have that element. There's the balance of things. Ultimately though she screwed over not just him.

22:58Tommy Bowe:But everyone in the community. A hundred percent. So, like, she unleashed a bunch of terrifying bugs. It was also revenge on herself. Like, you made your living space unlivable. You made it ants. It's the equivalent of, like, I'm mad at my roommate, so I lit our house on fire. Exactly. I said sorry, Shane. Once. That's crazy. This is April of 2020, which means they are quarantined. They're stuck. And she's unleashed hundreds of fire ants into their apartment. They've got another year. Like, you can't get out of that easily, and you're going to get bit.

23:35Damien Haas:That's why I can't respect revenge in general, is like, it's always going to be something that hurts a lot of people and doesn't really solve anything. Exactly. Like, sucks for the ants, sucks for everybody else. Yes, like, you know, exotic pets being dangerous, like, yeah, it is your responsibility as an owner, but I also have to imagine that there's not much you could have done to be like, I protected it from my girlfriend in case she got mad, and I have a laser grid. And now they're okay. Yeah. But I also want to know what the conflict was. I do want to know what he did. The fact that he's just like, yeah, we just got into an argument over some stupid shit.

24:09Damien Haas:So I've been feeding her ants every day in secret. I killed her family, but she did this.

24:15Tommy Bowe:But she got ants. Yeah. But if I'm their roommate, I kind of don't care what he did. I'd be like, yeah, that's cool. You unleashed a bunch of terrifying bugs into my space.

24:26Damien Haas:That is in the wrong. I want to make that so clear. 100%. For the comments out there. I'm just so curious. I'm curious too. There's got to be.

24:33Tommy Bowe:How do you resolve that? So you have to fumigate. He said he has to fumigate, but he's like, I don't know when we can do it. You have to be out of the house for like 24 hours. I think they have to truly live with hundreds of fire ants in their apartment now.

24:44Damien Haas:I have a personal anecdote about that actually.

24:46Tommy Bowe:Ant?

24:47Damien Haas:Ant. Well, ant. And that's the episode everywhere. And that's the episode. Thank you so much for watching. Okay, go on. I recently had to deal with a bug situation in my space. I noticed like one or two little things in the kitchen and I'm like, oh, this corner I haven't cleaned in a bit. I need to like organize, it'll be fine. And similarly, there is a bird nest outside of my window that for the few years I've been in my space, it always like has a new generation of birds coming in, laying little babies. It's awesome. I get to watch the babies like grow and I'm like, oh, any day now they're gonna fly.

25:16Damien Haas:And then sometimes there's a couple generations per year. It's awesome. This time, turns out there's something called bird mites and due to the climate, they're now a little more prevalent. And when the birds go away and leave the nest, the mites are like, dang, we don't have anything to be a parasite at. Oh, wait a minute. Look in there. And while they can't reproduce without birds, they can bite the shit out of you for like two weeks along with your cats. So I had to like clear out the entire space, like every like important electronic, like get it out of there, take care of the cats. It was a nightmare.

25:52Damien Haas:And I tell you that to tell you this, bedbugs have like a higher threshold than these things. So these things were, you know, fine, but they don't always have to fumigate now. Now they heat your space. They bring in these hot air blowers and get it to a certain degree. So I think they got my space up to like 140 degrees, 150. Whoa. Whereas bedbugs are like 180. Yeah. So like I had a couple of things that were, that I forgot that were like candle, electronic candles, but I guess still had wax and like melted everywhere. They're super dead. But like, yeah, they cook the bugs out of your walls and everything.

26:26Damien Haas:So, oh my God.

26:26Tommy Bowe:Well, these are fire ants, so it's going to be like 300 degrees. They're going to douse your home. They can live in lava.

26:32Damien Haas:That's true. They can. Minecraft is crazy. Yeah. Their relationship sounds like it should not be happening. No.

26:38Tommy Bowe:No. Like, at all.

26:40Damien Haas:There's never an excuse for anybody at any time saying like, I was out of control. I didn't know what I was doing. It's like, oh, then you're not safe to be around people or in a relationship. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, sorry. I couldn't control myself. so I unleashed poisonous bugs everywhere. While I was putting on gloves, I was like, I'm so crazy right now. Comments, I think you've got to figure out the specifics of a general plan to break up with her and get her to move out. There's no coming back from this in my view. I agree. Someone said, wow, as someone who keeps many reptiles and insects, I would be absolutely devastated if someone destroyed the tanks, let alone endangered by animals.

27:13I know how much time, effort, and care goes into the maintenance of these animals, especially ants, and I'm so sorry this happened to you. I don't have much advice relationship-wise, but if it was me, I know I'd want nothing to do with someone capable of such reckless behavior. Good luck, and I hope you can salvage your colony. OP said, thanks for understanding. Appreciate it. To be honest, salvaging the colony is not my priority. I'm upset, but I'm trying to do what I can to keep as many as possible from getting out of the room. I have had diatomaceous earth. Diatomaceous earth. Diatomaceous earth on hand just in case there was ever an accident, so I've scattered that and will vacuum later.

27:48Lastly, someone said, be glad you are not married and break up with her. It will hurt and that's okay. You will have escaped someone who in calculated anger did what she thought was the most hurtful thing she could do to you. Yep. Yeah. 100%. Gauging on how she, I mean, I don't know. The thought of like just destroying things or like there are certain reactions where it's like such a red flag. This is actually, this is where it goes past the red flag. I'm like, it's now the thing. Yeah. that the red flags warn you about.

28:19Damien Haas:I think in any relationship, having revenge against a partner for any reason is like, that's already a sign to be done. Yeah, it should be over. Yeah, I agree. Because then it's like, okay, so we're not partners. We're not teammates. We're opponents.

28:31Tommy Bowe:We're enemies. We're enemies. So, okay, so we're done. Like, yeah. There's things like that. I would say this, and then it reminds me of when people threaten divorce or breaking up, where I'm like, okay, so we're broken up. Yeah. Like, there's just some things that I, in my head, I've always been like, all right, so that is the flare gun. You've launched it. We're done.

28:49Damien Haas:We're trying to hold power over someone. Yeah. And also, since everybody asked, diatomaceous earth is awesome. What is diatomaceous earth? Well, you sprinkle it on the ground. You sprinkle it on the ground. So diatomes, these little life things that are not fungus, not plant, not animal, they're these little diatomes. They are in the ocean. They die. They sink to the bottom and become diatomaceous earth. So they're like little dead bodies. They're like little dead bodies and they're almost like glass in a way, but they're too small to cut us. But something like an ant walking over it with like a chitinous shell, that gets cut and it can't hold water anymore.

29:22Damien Haas:So it doesn't kill them immediately. They just die off in a little bit in a non-poisonous way because they can't get any kind of hydration. That being said, though, it's extremely dangerous to breathe in. It is bad for your lungs a lot. So if he's like, yeah, I'm sprinkling it everywhere and I'm going to vacuum it up. It's like, well, uh-oh, that's also super bad for you during COVID times. these people are gonna are these people gonna die? no I mean I have they have fire ants they have fire ants and poison air now and glass air

29:50Tommy Bowe:and COVID

29:51Damien Haas:and COVID people on Venus seem to be fine where it rains glass yeah yeah that's fine that drone they sent there only lasted like two seconds but yeah it was fine well we discovered robots can scream

30:11Oh my god. Didn't it have like, it had like a camera that had like a diamond lens and it was just like, everything like shattered. It was like terrifying.

30:22Tommy Bowe:I didn't keep up with that news story. This was like in the 80s. The Russians sent a rover to Venus and it just like got destroyed. It had a monkey on it for no reason. Classic. Hey guys, I'm here.

30:36Damien Haas:Thanks for letting me nerd out about Diatomaceous Earth. No, that's really cool. I remember you telling me about Diatomaceous Earth before. Just in cool conversation. That's wild. All right, our next story comes from Petty Revenge. She erased us from her wedding, so I'm erasing her from mine. All things balanced. As they should be. I love it. When my brother got married, his bride, now my sister-in-law, had very specific expectations. She wanted everyone in the family to wear their wedding colors, and we all did. People flew in from out of state. Everyone made an effort to make her feel celebrated.

31:08The day before the wedding, she made some offhanded but clearly pointed remarks about how our side of the family never takes anything seriously, and she wasn't expecting us to take this seriously either. The comments made their rounds, and feelings were hurt before the wedding even began. But we still showed up, looked great, and participated. Fast forward to getting the wedding photos and video. Not a single photo of our side of the family was posted. Not one. In the entire three-minute highlight reel, no faces from our family except a three-second clip of my parents with the bride and groom.

31:39The rest of us, it's like we never existed. I texted her, cordially, and asked if she could send me the pictures with just our siblings since none had been posted. She responded that we never took those pictures. That's wild because I remember helping people adjust corsages for them. She doubled down on the gaslighting. I gave it six months and asked again. She suddenly had no idea what I was talking about. Fine. Here's where the petty revenge comes in. I'm getting married in eight days. I've been engaged for six months and planning this moment since she tried to erase us. I hired a great photographer and videographer.

32:14What she doesn't know is that the videographer has a secret mission. Make it look like she's getting all the attention. Track her. Hover near her like she's the star of the show. She will feel so seen. And then the final cut. She won't appear for even one second. just like she made sure we didn't. I didn't even invite her originally. Word must have gotten out because she cornered me at a family dinner and said, unfortunately, I have to work the day before and after your wedding, but I should still be able to make it. I was so stunned. I just said, that's fine. The Airbnb is booked whether you're there or not.

32:45So now she's coming. Ugh. To cope, I spelled her name wrong on the wedding invite on purpose. That was my first move. The video blackout will be my last. Not asking for advice, not asking if it's too mean. It's not. It's exactly fair. Happy to finally talk about it freely. Not asking if it's too mean. It's not. It's fucking awesome. I win.

33:09Tommy Bowe:Shut up. I win. Go to hell. Comments disabled.

33:17Fuck you.

33:20Tommy Bowe:I do love that energy. Yeah. Not the whole, you know, there's, there's. The energy is hilarious. Okay. I always feel this way a little bit where I'm like, okay, this is your sister-in-law. So, wait. So, when my brother got married, his bride, okay. So, this is his brother's wife. All right.

33:41Damien Haas:Yeah, would his brother not be invited to the wedding in that either? I know. That's where I'm like, okay, like you are also making things uncomfortable for your brother a little bit too. Right.

33:49Tommy Bowe:And that's close to home. All right. So, you're going to have to make it so that only she's not in photos, but your brother. What if your brother has an amazing photo, but she happens to be there? Are you willing to erase that memory? I guess that's what she did for her. Look, she's not asking if it's too mean. She's not asking.

34:07Damien Haas:It's awesome. I'm also curious what anybody else had to say about that to her. If he was like, oh, can we get those photos? And she's like, I don't know what you're talking about. Aren't all the other siblings curious? Isn't the brother curious? The entire side of the family. the brother the brother I guess doesn't seem to care that none of his family is in any of the photos which makes the bride this this sister-in-law sound awful like the fact that she's like oh I erased your entire family from the your family wasn't there like she doesn't seem like she loves him history will not remember you in a thousand years okay that's also such an

34:44Tommy Bowe:intense move to do because that's got to be I mean depending on the size of the wedding that's quite a few people who are getting erased That's a lot of work to navigate around that. I will also say, this person sounds awful. They sound like a person who deserves revenge to be had for those who believe in revenge. It's not real. I will also say, for OP, though, I'm like, your wedding is in eight days, and you seem obsessed. This is what your wedding is about now. This is all you seem to care about, more than you getting married and your husband. I'm like, 30 years from now, are you going to be like, you know what?

35:20I shouldn't have gone so hard in the paint on my brother's ex-wife. Dropping some waterplugs all the way. Because now, like, oh, shit. Like, truly, like, she might be an ex-wife someday. And it's like, oh, that person's a distant memory in my life. But my wedding, I don't have, like, a lot of photos of because I was so. Now, she sounds like she has a lot of plans going on. She probably does have stipulations to make sure she gets all the photos she wants.

35:46Damien Haas:And then we'll say that she's prom queen and then we dump pig's blood on her and now she's Carrie. What is it about weddings that make people?

35:51Tommy Bowe:Weddings are cursed. What do weddings do to people? I don't know. I am. Every time. It's like a birthday but bigger. I guess my feeling was so much as I'm like this feels just like a lot of negative energy on what is supposed to be the most joyous day. Absolutely. Of your life. That's always my take because I'm like if this person is truly this awful and you're going about getting revenge, is it not better? to say, like, you're not invited. I agree. Is that not better? Like, now it puts your brother in an awkward position, but this is your wedding. This is your event. But I'm like, this just feels like a lot to me.

36:27Tommy Bowe:You could also just take the pictures and then in post just separate her eyes a little too far. Yes. That's awesome. You know, just alter it to the point where she's like, what?

36:41Damien Haas:Make her regret being in the photos. Exactly. It's that TikTok trend where the filter is slightly on, and they're like, Mom, look at this new thing. Yeah, and she's like, what's wrong with me?

36:51Tommy Bowe:Yeah.

36:52Damien Haas:I love that. I've seen ones where the dude takes photos, and he edits his friend to just be like a couple inches shorter in every single photo. That's kind of funny. That's so diabolical. That's awesome. Or just like make someone's head just a little big. Exactly, exactly. Like a little big. Exactly. Just a little big. With the George Lopez app.

37:18Damien Haas:He's got a big head. The George Lopez app.

37:21Tommy Bowe:But then, because then you can have your wedding and you don't have to worry about it. And then you just do that later. Yeah, I'm just like, I don't want to be thinking about this. Like, this is a lot of time and effort. It is. You don't have to do this. It's too much. Comments. Actually, you can just instruct the photographer to take unglamorous photographs of her. Like her eyes are closed or weird facial expressions and just post it on social media. If she complains, you can just tell her, well, at least everyone is in my wedding photos. Someone said, you didn't ask your brother for the photos of your site at the wedding?

37:48I get the petty revenge of not having her in any of the videos and not putting photos of her in the album, but at least ask your brother for the photos. He likely knows where they are. Lastly, someone said, get her a vegetarian or gluten-free meal by accident. Make sure she has a seat facing a pole or something. Spell her name wrong, but differently on the table setting. Don't give her enough forks or whatever. Make sure she misses a piece of cake because she's allergic. DM me for more.

38:14Damien Haas:This is mild inconveniences.

38:16Tommy Bowe:He's trying to sell you a course. He's like, he's petting a cat in a giant dark like throne room. I'll get you, Gadget. Exactly, exactly. My brain just came up with the dumbest joke. Lay it on me. That will cut. Just DM me for more. DM me more. The substance. The substance. Give her the substance. Give her the substance.

38:37Damien Haas:I'm just, yeah, it's so much energy. This is the main thing for me about like revenge where it's like, yeah, just don't invite her. And she's like, why wasn't I invited? It's like, oh, you kind of were rude to us at your wedding. Like communicate. Be like, hey, it really sucked. I don't want you there. It's going to bum me out. Yeah. Like that's the revenge. Yeah. You don't have to be like, and then I tricked. And then she looked in the door and there wasn't any. And like. Yeah. Exactly. For the most part, like if I'm not invited to a wedding, I don't think anything of it. Right now. But that's for the most part.

39:04But this is her brother's wife. Right. You know the brother's going to get invited, so you're assuming you're going to be invited. I understand why she probably just, I don't know. This sounds like an awful type of relationship where it's like in-laws that hate each other. And it starts from such a petty place. The in-law, she did something so petty. I do think a strange OP is not talking to her own brother. Her brother seems to be non-existent in this story. He's a big piece of this who allowed that shit to happen. allowed his whole family to be erased from the wedding photos. I'm like, and it is the in-law's fault.

39:45Like, it sounds like this was all her directive. But it's as, he should stand up for his own family, right?

39:52Damien Haas:I would, I'm almost curious at this point if the brother is somehow a part of this. Like, I don't, we aren't given much context, but if the sister-in-law is saying, you know, your family never takes anything seriously, you know is it not possible that the brother said something to the effect of like yeah i don't know they're like not you know filling their end of the bargain like yeah they were supposed to book the thing a week ago they didn't maybe this it's like yeah your family doesn't take anything seriously like they could both be pissed and not be giving that information interesting that's true we don't know um i the last okay the petty i'm gonna say something really petty here please okay Whenever I hear about people going at length for revenge, things like this, which is just, I'm like, okay, I get it.

40:36Like, I get that this will be cathartic for you. If someone I knew said that they were doing something this extravagant, I'd be like, don't ever tell me you don't have time for things. You clearly have all the fucking time in the world if you are going on a side mission of this length. Like, do not tell me you're too busy. Do not tell me you're like, oh, I have no time lately. I'm like, you had so much time. During planning a wedding to plan a side plot.

41:02Tommy Bowe:Like, come on. It took you a day to text me back? Like, what? Hey, remember when you went at length and you planned an entire videographer to follow one person at your wedding? You got time. Text me back sooner. You can have your own show. This is some Nathan for you shit. Yeah, truly. I'm just, that's, I think that's my biggest take on revenge. I'm just like, I don't want to put, I'm too lazy. It's so much energy. I am too lazy to get revenge.

41:26Damien Haas:That is my issue. I think people need to learn to be okay with not winning a situation. You're safe. Your friends are cool with you. Your family's cool with you. You get to be like, yeah, that shitty thing happened. What a bummer. I don't get to win that. No. I'm going to go sleep in my bed comfortably. It's why what I think makes more sense, which I think is the more usual thing, is when people are like, oh, well, I'm done talking to that person. Yeah. Cutting them out. I'm like, yeah, they are clearly, they have no positive intentions towards you. So that's fair to cut them out. I do think some people do cutting out as like a form of revenge.

42:00And that's where I kind of disagree because I'm like, hey, that may not affect them. Right. They might not care. Cut people out because they are.

42:08Damien Haas:Do it for you. Do it for you. And I think this is a situation where I'm like, hey, man, yeah, don't invite her. And when she cornered you, just be like, you're not invited. Or like if you succumbed there, fine, but then hit her up later and be like, actually, there's not a seat for you.

42:20Tommy Bowe:Yeah. But then it's tricky with the brother. Yeah. And it's like, I don't know. Weddings are tough. I would love to hear the videographer's point of you.

42:29Damien Haas:Yeah. Holy shit. For the first wedding or the second one?

42:31Tommy Bowe:No, the one who's been given a side mission. To follow her and specifically videotape her. That'll cost another$1 ,000. Is that not going to freak her out where it's like, hey, this videographer will not stop following me? He's like, smile.

42:47Damien Haas:I'm in the bathroom. He's dressed up like a dumpster wizard. Yeah. He's like, I don't think he's supposed to be here.

42:54Tommy Bowe:Is it like a ghillie suit? In a bush.

42:56Damien Haas:Oh, my God. Classic, like, sulfur bulb of, like, water scoop. Like, classic. Tin-type camera. Wild shit. Our next story comes from Am I the Asshole. Am I the Asshole for not respecting the fancy soap policy in our bathroom and accidentally starting a soap-based arms race? Oh. Whoa. Okay. So my wife, who's 30, bought this absurdly expensive soap from a little shop. Aesop. Probably Aesop. It's probably Aesop. That is some fancy soap. Aesop and his fables. I know. Tortoise and hare. It's pretty nuts. It came in a tiny frosted glass bottle wrapped in twine with ridiculous branding like hints of pine, regret, and artisanal disappointment or something like that.

43:44She placed it on the bathroom counter and told me this is for guests. We don't have guests ever. Okay, maybe once every two months. I told her that, but apparently the idea of a guest potentially seeing that we use commoner soap is too horrifying to bear. So the fancy soap was enshrined like the Mona Lisa, untouched. Fast forward, I ran out of my regular cheapo soap, which came in a cracked plastic bottle with a pump that wheezed like a dying guinea pig. So in a moment of desperation and dirty hands, I dared to touch the Holy Grail. was halfway through using a single pump of the fancy soap when she walked in looking at me as if I was defiling the sacred artifact or microwaving the Fabergé egg.

44:25She said I was wasting it and that it's not for everyday hands. I was pissed. Then I did the unthinkable. I went out and bought my own fancy soap,$30. Grapefruit and cedar, smells like if a lumberjack went to therapy. I put it proudly on my, okay, this Reddit guy is actually pretty funny. This person's really good. They're working on their tight five. This is a funny Redditor right here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I put it proudly on my side of the sink. I declared that this is my new soap and only I have a right to use it. Suddenly, it's Cold War soap edition. That evening, I saw over her shoulder she was searching for more soap bottles on Etsy, like she wanted revenge.

45:02At this point, I now want to invite some guests over to make sure they use my fancy soap and not hers. Ha ha. Now she's mad I'm mocking her and says I'm turning cleanliness into a competition. I told her she started the soap cast system. I just refuse to be born into the lower class. She hasn't spoken to me in two days, but I smell amazing. Tell me, but I smell amazing. Just break up. I know.

45:26Damien Haas:Just break up. Our marriage is falling apart, but is this worth it? We smell great. We spent$600 on soap this month, and nothing is wrong. Oh, my God. This isn't an am I the asshole. It's like, is this worth it? Like, is this worth it? Yeah, there's some stories that I read where I'm like, you're not an asshole but I'm like but you guys don't like each other it sounds like I mean maybe they do this sounds the way he's writing I'm like this is silly it sounds light you guys are probably they're probably laughing about it right but he's making this sound like it's more of a sitcom situation but it's very funny this is Kevin James yeah like King of Queens this is very common in like my family of like having things that are really fancy and nice that we don't use right it's like oh well that's for special occasions like once a year like I don't know like I I definitely believe in the like, when you get nice things, you use it, right?

46:18Like, absolutely. This plate is for when the Pope visits.

46:22Damien Haas:It's like, he's not gonna visit. He's not gonna. He's not gonna. Yeah, I'm tired of using a paper plate. Yeah. Look, also soap for me is one of those things where like, sometimes fancier is not better. Like, I, whenever I go to visit my mom, I feel bad, but like, she very much shops anything that's like a little greenwashed, where it's just like, okay, this soap is chamomile and natural, and it's a little sticky for some reason or whatever. And I'm just like, I just need the$1 antibacterial. I'm like, I need soap. Yeah. Everything I get there, I'm like, do you have sugar? She's like, we have monk fruit.

46:56Damien Haas:I'm like, get some sugar and salt and pepper and soap. I'll bring my own. Just none of these things do the thing they're supposed to. I think also, I don't know if I'm right or not on this. Probably are. But we'll see. But I think, especially when it comes to things like soap and cleanliness things, it's 1 % real stuff, 99 % marketing. Oh, 100%. The$1 stuff is probably as effective as the$30 stuff. It just looks nice. The ability for soap to bubble and froth is something that they added so that you can visibly see it doing its work. It doesn't need to bubble. Yeah. Yeah. No. I have heard that.

47:32Damien Haas:It is a thing. All natural soap can just sort of be used. So like a facial foaming cleanser is bullshit? I don't know about that one. I know it's dish soap that does that. So I'm sure some things foam and bubble naturally. I do appreciate the bubbles because it's kind of like a tracker. I'm like, okay, that's where I'm getting the soap all over the place. It's also fun.

47:53Tommy Bowe:It's fun. It's a blast. I love it. But no, I'm a believer of like use the fancy china. I've always felt that way.

48:01Damien Haas:I think it's silly to have things that you don't use. Do you in video games get a bunch of items that you save for boss fights and then never use them? because I do that. I was pretty bad about that with Breath of the Wild for a long time and then I got to a point where I was like, no, I'm going to swap it so I use my best stuff and then it's like fun once you run out of all your best stuff and you have shitty things and then the game's actually fun. Yeah. So it's a challenge again. Yeah. So, yeah. And then in Stardew Valley, it's like, okay, you get like really, really fancy crops. Like, you know, fucking use that shit.

48:31Sell it or use it.

48:32Damien Haas:Like, don't just hold on to it. The ancient fruit, you got to turn that into preserves and sell it or even ancient fruit wine. I make ancient fruit wine.

48:42Tommy Bowe:I haven't played either of these games.

48:44Damien Haas:You gotta play Stardew Valley. You would love Stardew Valley.

48:46Tommy Bowe:I know, I know. You have too much of a life and friends and goals.

48:50Damien Haas:Okay, buddy.

48:51Tommy Bowe:Cut to me yesterday, like 8 p.m., like, I guess I'll go to sleep. I was like, the day's over, I guess. All right. The verdict was not the asshole. I agree, he technically didn't do anything that makes him an asshole. He bought soap. He bought his own soap. He bought his own soap. That is all he technically did. Do they have a shared bank account? I don't think so. $30 is going to hit him hard. Yeah,$30 is rough. Comments, it's always heartwarming to see two psychopaths find each other and fall in love. God speak to both of you. Someone said, I'm invested in this. Please update weekly. Add a fancy hand towel and perhaps a little bottle of some kind of freshener your friends might like to dab on after they wash their face.

49:31beard oil or something for after a meal, and maybe a scented witch hazel, and some cotton balls, and a pretty photo of the forest. Someone said, please, OP, put your soap in a clear box with a small lock. Wear the key on a long chain around your neck.

49:44Damien Haas:Dear Lord. Jesus. Pass it down to your son, Aaron, telling him that he will see the secret of the basement one day. Yeah. Then when Shiganshima District is attacked, Attack on Titan begins. Now this I know.

49:55Tommy Bowe:It's Attack on Titan. Now this I know. Yeah. our producer Bailey has just informed us of something quite shocking so Bailey looking for an update to this story went to OP's page, this man this 30 year old man I'm assuming and besides this story, besides this Am I the Asshole story, his page is entirely photos of his dick including a gif of him at the beach helicoptering his penis saying no better place for a helicopter than the beach. So I'm doubting everything now.

50:37Damien Haas:Really? That makes me believe him way more. That is the guy that would be like I'll start a soap arms race. Yeah, I know that tracks for me. I hope you're using that soap especially if I'm a guest at your house. I need to know you're using that soap, okay? Yeah. Please. Gotta make everything clean for posting.

50:53Tommy Bowe:Also, if you find any sand on the sink you know he's been naked by the sink. That's always so funny when you like go to someone's page and it's like, whoa, lore drop. Yeah. I remember there was a Twitter post. It's always Twitter. It was a Twitter post. This was years ago. This is like five years ago. Where it was like this guy posted like kind of like an incel type of like red-pilled kind of post. Like hating on something or whatever. And someone quote retweeted it and was like, hey, dude, we can see your likes. and then you go to his likes and it's entirely Nintendo Rule 34 porn. Like it was all Nintendo waifus.

51:31Like that's all it was. And it was hilarious. It's like, bro, we can see him. That's awesome. Very funny.

51:38Tommy Bowe:I hope a Goomba was involved. Probably somewhere along the lines. Who do you think took the photo? I like when they have guests over when they walk out of the bathroom. It's like, so you smell like cedar. Okay. Yeah. You made the wrong choice. What was the first one where he mentioned that it smells like regret? I think he was being funny. Regret and disappointment. That's a witch's brew. His smells like a lumberjack went to therapy, which is very funny. Got it. As we know, it's grapefruit and cedar. Yeah. Good writer and apparently a great dick.

52:08Damien Haas:Great piece. Well, I was about to ask, but I don't think I can ask a fellow co-worker. It is time for our last story. Today I fucked up. This is a true off my chest, but they wrote the title as if it's a day I fucked up. Today I fucked up by not flushing a yellow jacket in the toilet Causing my guest to get stung in the balls

52:28Tommy Bowe:No, no, no So this is revenge because it's the yellow jacket's revenge Oh Today, to my horror, a yellow jacket got in my apartment I got insanely lucky in that when I saw it It was sitting on a magazine at an easy height to trap I thought fast, grabbed an empty glass and slammed it on top of the thing, screaming internally and praying not to trigger its rage. I looked around very carefully, but thankfully didn't see any others. Meanwhile, it had started going berserk in the glass. So I worried the second I took the top off, it would fly out and exact revenge on me. However, just leaving it under the glass made me incredibly squeamish.

53:07I hate bugs. I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to hear the staticky sound it was making. I just wanted it to be gone from my life and to pretend none of this had ever happened to me. I considered moving it to another room where I wouldn't have to look at it, but I kept catastrophizing situations where it got out. I could forget it was in there and pick the glass up, or someone could knock it over, or any number of things. So finally, I, very carefully, picked up the glass and the magazine underneath it. I kicked my toilet open with my foot, and bam, I dropped the whole thing in there. Magazine, cup, all of it.

53:38And slammed the lid down as fast as I could. I didn't want to risk lifting the cup and letting the yellow jacket escape before I got in the toilet. I had considered trying to shake up the cup until it died or became disoriented enough to be docile, but I couldn't escape the feeling that my dumb ass would lose hold of the magazine and then the motherfucker would be loose and extremely agitated. I didn't flush, of course, not with a whole ass magazine and a cup in the toilet, but my logic was eventually the yellow jacket would fall into the water and drown. So I'd open the toilet in a day or two.

54:08I've got a bathroom in my room and a guest bathroom to fish out the items and flush the bug corpse. So I recovered from the heart attack for the most part and settled down to watch some tv A while later a friend texted that he was in the neighborhood and asked if he could come over I said sure we had a beer watch some olympics. This is a good friend a close friend Not the kind who asks if they can use the bathroom when they're visiting So a while into the night he gets up I don't think anything of it because we'd both been getting up periodically to grab snacks plug our phones in whatever else Before I realized it it was too late.

54:40I heard the door close and I started to call out Oh, hey, you should actually use the other one. But he didn't hear me. All I heard was a strangled, then a crash. And then the door flies open. My buddy falls out, naked from the waist down, crawling backwards, screaming, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck? And clutching his testicles. I had to control myself and tap into my more humane urges because with the knowledge that thing was now loose in my not very large apartment, all I wanted to do was leave. But I had to help my friend up. He was in serious pain. Then we had a real dilemma because he didn't want to put his balls away, but we also wanted to get out of the apartment and go into the hall or outside, safe from the yellow jacket, which at that point was out for blood and could have been anywhere.

55:26My ability to remain calm in the crisis was not helped by the fact that he was attacking me the whole time. He thought whatever had just happened was some kind of fucked up prank because there was random garbage floating in my toilet and he felt like he just had an electroshock to the dick. He was hitting me with his free hand and going, why was there a book in there? Seriously, what did you do? That really fucking hurts. And on and on. I told him there was a bee in there. There was a yellow jacket in there. And his twisted mind jumped right to my having done it deliberately. So half naked, and I'm assuming still in searing pain, he tackles me.

56:00He's yelling, you sick fuck. Why would you put a bee in there? And all this other stuff. I was too horrified by trying to keep my friend's dick from touching me while simultaneously trying to locate the yellow jacket again. Finally, we realized we'd seen it fly out of the bathroom, so it must not be in there, and we locked ourselves in, and calmer heads prevailed enough for me to explain the whole pathetic situation. The yellow menace managed to get him in the neck as well, so he was subjected to an overwhelming amount of pain head to toe, but he wasn't allergic or anything, so he was able to get home just fine.

56:30An added awful fucking bonus to this fuck-up of mine is that while I do know how to tell yellow jackets from hornets and hornets from honeybees and so forth, I didn't know they don't all leave stingers behind and I was taught that if you're stung the first thing to do is remove the stinger by any means necessary to stop the transmission of venom so I spent a good 10-15 minutes massaging my buddy's ball sack until we thought to Google what happens if I can't find slash remove yellow jacket stinger and learned that they rarely leave anything in the skin so it was a painful and awkward night all around the yellow jacket is still in my apartment somewhere I fucked up the moment I didn't just kill the thing when I had the chance Stay safe out there, Reddit.

57:10Can I? Okay. Yeah. Primary. What's everyone's primary question?

57:16Tommy Bowe:My primary question. I think we have the same. There's a lot of questions. I think I have the first question I want to ask. My first question is, you're so worried about this yellow jacket, your strategy is to throw objects into a toilet.

57:33Damien Haas:A thing that you have to fly. Right. And also, when you have a toilet, there's like the actual seat you sit on and then the lid, but there's a little gap between the seat and the actual like toilet bowl.

57:44Tommy Bowe:You can very easily climb out.

57:45Damien Haas:Can I, are we allowed to say this, Bailey, that this obviously did not fucking happen? Are we avoiding saying that? I think you're allowed to say that. Okay, because there's so many logic things where he's like, I have a very tiny apartment, but I have two bathrooms and I didn't want to leave the thing in just the cup because someone could knock it over but apparently I live alone and have a second bathroom therefore I just threw it in the toilet and will use the second bathroom like you didn't want to leave it in the cup and go to the other bathroom yourself. And I'm sure your question Shane

58:19Tommy Bowe:is is our guest going full naked to like piss or shit or something and then didn't look in the toilet before doing anything? There's that. My question. Different questions. My earnest question was I'm like, okay, maybe the stinger was left in his balls. Why do you have to be the one to massage the balls? I'm like, your buddy can massage his own balls.

58:43Damien Haas:So I sucked his penis a little bit just to try to get him to calm down. I want to get the venom out. I got to get the venom out. A lot of venom came out. I saw this on House. Don't worry.

58:54Tommy Bowe:So he does answer that question. It's because his friend is in so much pain that he's like, they think that he doesn't have the vantage point to be able to find his hair in his body. I've never been stung by a yellow jacket, to be clear. Neither have I. Is it so much pain that he literally cannot function and cannot?

59:16Damien Haas:It sucks. Have you ever gotten like a shot at the doctor when like it's a newer person still learning and they kind of hit the muscle and it's got that like twinge? Yeah. It's like a bug bite with that. Like, it's not fun. I was going to say, like, I thought a bee sting and a yellow jacket sting, it's like the sting hurts, but it's not like you're left in writhing pain for hours. Is it like a jellyfish where you're like, ah! Because it's like, oh, a man of war fucking got all over me. I'm like, yeah, we need to go to the hospital. I mean, I got stung on, like, the back of my knee when I was a kid by a yellow jacket, and it sucked.

59:48Damien Haas:But, like, you continue on with the day. I will also say that like when your vulnerable bits get hurt, the last thing you want to do is be like, I'm going to air it out for the more danger. Like I'm like, you would probably put that back in your pants. Come back. Yeah. Like you would probably put your pants on and not tackle your friend assuming they sicked a bee on you. This feels like what I think happened here is I think some version of this really happened and then he just added a bunch of creative writing to it. Realistically, he and his friend saw a spider and that's just, he's like, wait a minute.

1:00:19I could see someone trapping a yellow jacket and doing the thing where they throw that in the toilet and like shut the lid. Sure. And just, because some people just don't make the right moves.

1:00:26Damien Haas:There's also a pressure situation where like you can't just throw an upside down cup into water and have it be like, oh, it's going to fill right up. No, it's going to be like, and then the yellow jacket flies out. Yeah. And if the yellow jacket is drowning, it's going to crawl up on your magazine or book or whatever as like a little Titanic situation, but the door is big enough. Oh, yeah. Where it loses credibility is he's going around his whole house and I'm like, you didn't go out your door? Yeah. You went everywhere in your house with this yellow jacket. You didn't go outside. I was just so frightened.

1:00:58Tommy Bowe:You could throw it. You could honestly go, if you're afraid to just open it up, I'm like, just go leave it outside. Yeah. And then some poor person is going to walk by and accidentally kick it open. What's this? Yeah.

1:01:09Damien Haas:Oh, free upside down cup and a bug. I do that all the time. Bug on a bathroom door and you go outside. It takes just a minute. and if you're so terrified of yellow jackets that you're shaking and you can't do it, you wouldn't forget. You would warn your friend. Yeah. I'm mad about this now. Some comments. I was too horrified by trying to keep my friend's dick from touching me. And then I spent a good 10 to 15 minutes massaging my buddy's ball sack. What happened to your resolve? OP said there's needless dick contact and there's stop the transmission of poison dick contact. I sucked it up. Yeah, this isn't real.

1:01:45someone said is he okay now I can only imagine the pain OP said he's alright thanks for asking he's in a shit ton of pain but put a call in with his general practitioners answering service who basically recommended home remedies or gutting it out and obviously to watch for X, Y, and Z then come in if they occur I've been worried so I checked in on him and his last update was that he was going to try and sleep in hopes it's somewhat better in the AM his girlfriend's over trying the home remedies out, so I'm happy to know he isn't having to cope alone at least. Fingers are crossed for a speedy recovery.

1:02:18Tommy Bowe:The girlfriend's like, hey, your balls have already been massaged today. Your balls look mighty massaged right now. I was thinking the opposite of

1:02:26Damien Haas:a stupid plan where it's just like, oh my god, Bennifer, thank god you're here. Someone needs to massage these balls or they're gonna fall clean off and we don't, and my hands are, ooh, they hurt. Can you? Someone said you are no longer friends. War has made you brothers. Look, there's a world where this is real. I don't know. Some people are ridiculous. You can say dumb. This guy's definitely dumb. Yeah. After 15 minutes, we were like, huh? And then we found out yellow jackets don't even have honey. Yeah. No, I mean, it reminds me of the Three Stooges episode where in all their antics, they end up sucking all each other's dicks.

1:03:05You got me with that one. You got me with that one. You got me with that one. You got me with that one.

1:03:09Tommy Bowe:Wait, wait, wait, wait.

1:03:15Forget about Shemp now. This doesn't work against a dick.

1:03:31Damien Haas:Oh, God. For people listening audio only, they're like, what is happening? I think their imaginations are good enough. All right. All right. All right. Oh, well, that's all our stories for today. That was something. That was some revenge. That was some revenge. Yeah. Can I share one thing finally about revenge that I feel like people need to know? Sure. When people say revenge is best served cold, I only recently found out what that means because I always thought it was just like, oh, you got to be cold when you're revenge. That's what revenge is. No, it means wait a minute. Take your time and plan it.

1:04:06Damien Haas:The meal has to cool down. Serve it cold.

1:04:09Tommy Bowe:I also never knew that. Yeah, isn't that crazy?

1:04:11Damien Haas:That makes sense. Makes way more sense than like, be sure to be an asshole.

1:04:15Tommy Bowe:Yeah. Wow. Okay. All right, so then the wedding person kind of... He served it cold. They definitely served it cold. Yeah. Wow. All right. Hey, thanks for a little knowledge drop at the end of the app.

1:04:27Damien Haas:Hey, be sure to Google Diatomaceous Earth and tell them I sent you. Nice. Use my code. It's my Google code. Smosh mouth for 10%. Use my Google code for Diatomaceous Earth. It's a good band. Anyways, guys, thanks for being here. Thanks for the revenge. That's great. Yeah, it was good to be here. The greatest revenge was the fact that, you know, you gave us an hour of your time or whatever. Yeah, man.

1:04:55Tommy Bowe:Yeah, how about that?

1:04:55Damien Haas:For sure. All right. Well, thank you for watching. Hope you had a good time. I hope you're not needing to get revenge on anyone. Hope that's not necessary. and we'll see you next Saturday.

1:05:10Tommy Bowe:Bye! Just for a fifth or sixth callback and that's the episode. That's right. I'm going to be thinking about that one for a while.