Take It From Us | Reading Reddit Stories

8:25Ian Hecox:Decide which topics are discussions, multiple people versus rants, one person talking, versus interview style, structured ask and reply. I hear some podcasters even announce their agenda at the beginning of the podcast. Maybe have designed roles for facilitator slash timekeeper, snarky comment guy and deadpan response guy. Don't just sit down and start talking. If there are guidelines and he is not following them, then say, dude, I am delighted you have passion for the topic. We do too. Let's follow our agenda so we can showcase all the stuff we plan to cover. Maybe some of your content can help fill in our next one.

8:58Ian Hecox:Where do you want to cut off for today?

9:01Shayne Topp:I think that's a good point of having an actual plan. Sure. Because if it is a completely unstructured podcast, then like you're you were kind of asking for a situation like this you know if you didn't set

9:14Ian Hecox:those guidelines especially when you ask this friend to be on the podcast i mean i wonder if this is not par for the course for this friend yeah it's like oh well i invited my buddy who

9:23Damien Haas:goes on rants about anime for hours on end yeah like oh well he did the thing a completely quiet finance guy and the moment he's got a microphone he's just like so goku oh he's this little boy with a monkey tail.

9:34Ian Hecox:Check this out. Update. Oh. Everything's fine now. I did the presidential debate thingy after one hour counting down from three and saying it's someone else's time to talk for an hour now. God.

9:48Damien Haas:Fuck. They fixed the friendship, but that probably didn't fix the podcast. No, not at all. I got to say, Smosh Games, which I know you hate and that's okay. Big hater, the biggest hater. The biggest hater. They really killed it with the Spencer Explains stuff because there is no better gift than getting to go on a rant about something you love to somebody who's like, tell me more about Pokemon. I don't know anything. And you're like, it's the best feeling. And for him to set it up in a way that Angela and Amanda were there and they made it content and people got to enjoy and learn through him and all that stuff.

10:23Damien Haas:I know we're talking in the future. This was 2020. But if these folks are here now, explain DBZ to your friends for an hour and make it a video. Yeah. And it's a delight. The market's ripe for it. We primed it for you.

10:37Shayne Topp:But you need to make sure that your friends actually want to hear you rant about this. Yeah. Where these people, they clearly did not know what they were getting themselves into.

10:47Damien Haas:I mean, if it's a planned Dragon Ball Z rant, maybe that's fun. But if it happened by surprise, I love anime. If you were just like, surprise, I'm going to talk to you for an hour about anything, I'd have a panic attack. Yeah.

10:57Ian Hecox:I got to feel like I can go if I need to. Right. Yeah. Our next story does involve some death and grief. Just letting you know before we get into it. Our next post posted in Advice in August of 2025. I feel dirty for being included in a co-worker's will.

11:16Shayne Topp:Leaders aren't born, they're made. And they're made like everything else, through hard work.

11:21Ian Hecox:Well, a Chevy Silverado was made for hard work and designed to handle the big jobs. With over 13 ,000 pounds of towing capacity and trailering sway control, Chevy Silverado can haul the biggest loads on the roughest roads. It's a true workhorse. Right now, get 0 % APR financing on a Silverado 1500 pickup. It doesn't get any lower than zero. See your Chicago land and Northwest Indiana Chevy dealers for details. Chevy drives Chicago. I'm a 27-year-old man and work in lower management at my job. I've always been an old soul and have made friends easier with older folks. One of my co-workers turned lifelong friends is a 67-year-old woman, formerly a retired police detective of 30 years who began working for the company about two years ago.

12:04Ian Hecox:She has no family, children, siblings, nothing. We always got along very well and had more in common than with the younger people at the job. I eventually became friends with this coworker outside of work and introduced her to my mom, who's the same age as she is, and they also became very close. Fast forward to this year, and my friend was diagnosed with stage four kidney cancer, inoperable. She tried to stay at work, but ultimately decided to retire and quickly degraded health-wise over the next couple of months. She passed away this week and I found out that she left me her fairly new SUV along with an investment that I'm yet to learn the sum of.

12:37Ian Hecox:My mother was also included in the will and was left$350 ,000 with the instruction to buy a home and move in with me so I can take care of her as she ages and have a home to raise a family in or sell in the future. In total, that's almost half a million dollars being left to us. She was also very close with another of my coworkers, a woman my age, and left her the deed to her$400 ,000 home. I only know this because I was around while the will was being discussed. Whether she tells anyone is her decision, but I'm airing it out anonymously here. I feel all kinds of emotions. Obviously sadness because I just lost a close friend to a horrible disease.

13:17Ian Hecox:Joy because my life is being changed for the better in an instant. And also, the point of this post, guilt. I know that most of my other coworkers were unaware of our friendship outside the workplace, and I feel like it may be seen as highly inappropriate. Rumors will swirl. By others, if a 27-year-old man in a position of power at work inherits a hefty sum from a female co-worker who is much older and worked as my immediate subordinate. I know that the obvious choice is not to tell anyone, but I don't know how to keep it a secret when I show up in a new vehicle that was previously hers and when I inevitably have my other co-worker friends over to my new home.

13:51Ian Hecox:They know that I've always lived paycheck to paycheck and suddenly buying a home will certainly spark conversation. My best friend is also a coworker in a different department. And while I love the guy, I know if I tell him about the money, he's going to let it slip to the rest of the workplace eventually. I guess my question is, should I keep the inheritance a secret, lying to my friends to hide the situation? Or should I just stay quiet and tell people the truth if they end up asking me about it? My mother has already told me to keep it a complete secret, even to other family. But I don't know if it's necessarily healthy to live like that, hiding things from friends and family simply because it's an unusual circumstance.

14:26Ian Hecox:What would you guys do in my situation? I do not want to come off as bragging if I do tell people. And I'm afraid how workplace jealousy could affect the way my employees treat me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

14:39Shayne Topp:Okay.

14:39Ian Hecox:Okay.

14:40Shayne Topp:I think I figured it out.

14:41Ian Hecox:Okay.

14:42Shayne Topp:Because I think like keeping a secret like that eats you up inside over time. and I would never want to keep something like that from people and keep having to lie to people. But I don't think people need all the information. I think you could say I had a very close friend pass away and they willed this to me. And it's not like everyone's going to ask you about this new house right away. So there is plausible deniability that it is this friend specifically. but if people are like, wow, this is a great house. How did you get this place? You're like, well, I had a very close friend that passed away.

15:25Shayne Topp:They willed it to me. That's all they need to know. They're not going to go, ooh. You know, like I think people won't pry. And I think regarding the car, like unfortunately, I think just sell it. Sell it, get a different car. That way you don't have that connection because that was the first thing I thought of is like, oh, there's no way they're going to know but it's like you're driving up in your former co-worker's car. that's a bit of a red flag so I would say yeah sell the car keep it placed just say it was a very close friend

15:53Ian Hecox:if we're going on this route of like tell a half truth or keep some of it secret it was she was also the mom's close friend right so you could say oh a mom a close friend of my mom's passed away and like my mom inherited all of this family friend yeah like it's one of those things where like nobody is entitled to know this stuff right like technically but it's also really uncomfortable this reminds me of a lot of the stories i hear about when people win the lottery yeah and how that is an actual fucking nightmare oh yeah like it is terrifying shit so like coming about a large inheritance of money in any way or form this is the type of advice i do here i'm just like yeah however you can to keep it secret do i like that in my head no like i am someone who doesn't like to keep secrets at all yeah i would feel really weird about it but i also understand what they're saying is like, oh, I'm worried that everybody at my work is going to treat me differently.

16:49Ian Hecox:It's like, yeah. And I don't know this guy. I don't know his workplace, but I'm just like.

16:53Damien Haas:I'm curious of how closely people interact and work with one another. Because if this person who passed away, you know, they're like, oh, that's her SUV. It's like, well, how unique is the SUV? Like, show up in a GMC Yukon or whatever, people are going to be like, that's hers. Right. On top of that, like, I know for me, so I'm maybe projecting here, guilt comes up a lot when if you boil it down, I don't have control over something. Or there's another emotion that's very difficult to process. Guilt for me means like, oh, if I'm guilty about this, then I'm actually, there's something I could have done.

17:32Damien Haas:Then I'm actually in control about this. Then it's my choice that this happened. You know, they didn't befriend this person to inherit something from them. They just had an older friend who passed away. And if they wanted to send their money elsewhere or give it to a relative or something like that, they would have done it. The fact that this person, a younger person, gave this older person the time of day and also became a true friend of them probably meant a lot. And they're like, this is the best thing I can do. They were also clearly of sound mind when they were like, I'm dealing with stage four cancer.

18:06Damien Haas:This could be it. if I go, what do I want to leave behind and to whom? So taking the guilt outside of it and just looking at it as it is, people don't need to know your situation. Not everybody in that place is gonna go to your home. Not everyone's gonna be like looking at your SUV with like an eagle eye and being like, I know what this is. And it doesn't have to, I don't know, separate thought. It almost feels like survivor's guilt sometimes, not just in the way of like losing a friend but like when people do live paycheck to paycheck in the way things are set up now and people are like i don't have money for whatever and now you

18:45Shayne Topp:suddenly have all of this money yeah you know it's like a life it's a life-changing yeah sum of money right it's yeah i i definitely i definitely understand like the feeling of guilt of like

18:58Ian Hecox:did i deserve this on the on the emotional side of things i think we're talking about the practical stuff on the emotional side it's like hey this was her decision yeah you don't have like i know you feel guilt right and you can only do so much you can't just like like i'm done feeling guilty like you know right but it's like but what what you're saying i feel like is like you can acknowledge in some part of your brain of like and that's not warranted like you you this person made a choice yeah they with with their free will and and their their mind to to give you this money because of the part you played in their life.

19:35Ian Hecox:And they wanted that. Like that meant something to them to give you this. That probably made them feel some joy at the end to know that they were doing this for someone who was so kind to them and they were close to.

19:47Shayne Topp:Yeah, I don't know. If I was in that position, it would give me some peace knowing that I was like leaving people that I cared for something that could change their lives for the better.

19:57Damien Haas:I'm also curious about, they brought up like, oh, I don't know if it's appropriate because they were my direct subordinate. I feel a little bit less strongly about the power dynamic difference there simply because this person clearly had so much in savings or things to pass on. I don't know what the job was, but if someone's 67 and has, at the very least, it sounds like half a million dollars to pass on to somebody, it's not like, I guess it could, but it's not like the boss is like, you better work well and leave things to me because I don't know.

20:28Ian Hecox:And they retired. They had to retire early. But I think the subordinate thing only, and maybe I'm off on here. And if I am, please let me know. But that type of workplace dynamic is important for so many things, right? Where it's like, oh, well, if their power could sway you. But it's like, she's dying. What does she, she doesn't, you can't really hold anything over her in that stage. like there's she kind of has like a type of free will in that moment where she's like i can make whatever decision i'm about to die yeah nobody can coerce me in any sort of way she wasn't coerced by him like that he had no power over her yeah in that moment but both because she had so much money already but also because it's like what what could he have sure you know like i'm the only

21:20Shayne Topp:argument i wouldn't want that like scrutiny from my co-workers if i was in that if i was in that position so i think like yeah i would do i i would take yeah a lot of precaution and not revealing that like oh i got this from this co-work this person that worked underneath me because like whether or not it was like totally above board and like obviously they it was because they had a true friendship people aren't going to see it that way about the perception of it and people are so jealous too because I mean, what a blessing to like, you know, to like, you know, one day you're, you are living paycheck to paycheck.

22:01Shayne Topp:The next day you're a homeowner. Like that's, that's the dream for, for so many people. And if somebody finds out about that in the workplace, like there's going to be so much like unnecessary, like animosity towards that person. Cause like, Like, oh, what did you do to get this? Like, no way. I would quit. I would quit the job if people found out.

22:27Ian Hecox:Yeah, it's the unfortunate thing. And I think I feel it with a lot of Reddit stories where it's like, here's the correct thing. Here's the, oh, this is the right thing. And it's like, and the world is so wacky and weird. And you can do the absolute right thing, but be perceived in a completely different way. And you cannot control that. And that sucks. and you see that with a situation where it's just like, hey man, you did absolutely nothing wrong. Some comments, I would stay quiet and if someone asks, then tell them, you did nothing wrong and the woman was your friend. There is nothing to feel weird about.

22:57Ian Hecox:You made a difference in her life and she returned the favor. 2.3 thousand upvotes and someone responded that saying, and truthfully, say the house slash money was left to your mom, her friend. OP responded that comment as well. Thank you for the reply and the help. I'll definitely stay quiet but the only reason I feel weird about it is because of the boss slash subordinate thing. I hope that the other people who work under me that I like to think of as friends as well.

23:22Shayne Topp:Also die and give me their money. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry.

23:26Ian Hecox:That I like to think of as friends as well won't think I did some dirty play to get into the will or be jealous and feel left out if they weren't included. For example, I know that a few weeks before her death, my friend blocked several of my coworkers on Facebook because she always saw them as gossip girls and didn't want to be part of it as she tried to enjoy her last days. They asked me if I knew why they were blocked and I just acted oblivious as to not hurt their feelings. I'm worried the workplace relationships could get tense if they also find out that I was close enough with her to be treated as a son.

24:00Ian Hecox:But maybe I'm just overthinking. Thank you again for the reply and the help.

24:04Shayne Topp:Yeah. Yeah. I don't think they're overthinking it.

24:08Damien Haas:I sadly... Yeah. It's tough. It's a valid worry. It's hard. but I very much question what kind of workplace this is and what kind of boundaries are in place. Right. Because even like Smosh is an example, we are like more close than a lot of workplaces would be. And that goes across like cast is friends with crew, is friends with these people in production, is friends with everybody. Like, and even then there's no like, did you hear the thing about the whatever? Or at least not that I've experienced. No, it's true.

24:38Ian Hecox:I will also say though, like we're lucky for that. We're lucky for that. I do think like a lot of workplaces, it's not like.

24:45Shayne Topp:Yeah. I will say if one of you died and one of the other of you rolled up in their car, I would know. Because I know what all you guys drive, okay? So I would know. I'd be like, why are you driving my dead coworker's car? Why are you driving it? Because I can't.

25:03Damien Haas:Someone's got to drive Shane's cool car. Someone's got to drive Shane's Honda Civic. Yeah, yeah. He would drive forever. He would want this. I'm like bicep curling while I'm like ghost riding your car. I'm just like, yeah, this is what Shane would do and would want.

25:17Ian Hecox:It is crazy that my Honda Civic will be driving long after I die. It probably will, yeah. I don't think that's true. No, it's because that thing's going to go for like 100 years. You don't go for 100 years. You're a healthy man. But it's going to be a tight race.

25:32Damien Haas:It's going to be good.

25:32Ian Hecox:Is that a four-cylinder? I think you could take it. I could punch it to death. Someone said, sell the car, keep the secret.

25:40Damien Haas:Yep. Oh, that's the name of a self-help book by that person. That's awesome. Sell the car, keep the secret.

25:47Ian Hecox:Someone said, tell absolutely no one, not coworkers, friends, or even family. Warn your mother to do the same. Never discuss your finances at all. You need to tell no lies. It simply is none of their business. That's also just very easy, convenient. That's awesome. In a world where nobody speaks to you and ever asks you questions,

26:07Shayne Topp:I'm just like, it's this thing of like,

26:09Ian Hecox:Like, yes, that is fair and just. And the world is not that.

26:13Damien Haas:If you're going to keep the secret and be fully clandestine about it, I think what would be fun is if anytime someone mentions her name, you just sort of look off in the distance and start sweating. And if you're holding something, drop it and be like, oh, yes, Marguerite. I knew her. And just, you know, if people are going to talk anyway, lean into it. Build into the knives out, you know. Yes. 100%. Be like, I don't even have a space in my backyard. The soil is so hard. I couldn't bury anyone.

26:43Ian Hecox:Lastly, someone said, people will always talk. The sad loss of your friend could be an important reminder not to spend any of whatever time you have left on others' opinions. Take care of yourself. Be gentle with your grief. And feel proud and fortunate that your friendship and presence in another wonderful human's life meant that in her final moments, she chose to honor everything you and your relationship meant to her and to celebrate both with a gift of life-changing generosity. While I obviously don't know either of you, I imagine she would want you to feel peace and deep appreciation for who you are.

27:13Ian Hecox:That's very sweet.

27:14Shayne Topp:You know, occasionally Reddit has a good comment. Yeah.

27:17Ian Hecox:Pretty good. That was pretty solid. No, I mean, I definitely think OP should, I hope they find solace and peace and resolution in this whole thing. But I also simultaneously do think there is something to the comments that are advising for like some conscientious movement in their next actions. Like I hate to say it, but it's just like, yeah, be smart. Be smart about it.

27:43Damien Haas:Yeah. I also hope they got some like financial advice from a professional because it's a lot of money. It's a lot of money. And like, yes, get a house. That's great. but if it's a$350 ,000 down payment, that better damn well not be the 10 % minimum. That better be like a lot of it. You know, keep the car, sell the car, whatever. But like, it doesn't have to be like, yeah, I just, if I show up in all these like fancy watches and like Gucci slides, like I'm like really hoping they don't think of me differently. Like, no, just let it change your life.

28:12Ian Hecox:Don't be, yeah. Yeah. All right, get ready for a bit of a tone shift.

28:16Shayne Topp:Oh no. Our next story comes from... Sorry.

28:20Ian Hecox:Stupid. Nice. Thanks. Our next one was posted on Ask Men, and it was posted in 2019. They ask, how many kindergartners do you think you could personally take on in a fight before being overpowered? Stipulations and context. Number one, the kindergartners are released five at a time every 30 seconds. Oh, my God. Number two, the arena is a standard-sized classroom, let's say 40 feet wide by 25 feet deep. However, the room is completely empty. Three, the kindergartners are unarmed. They are just going to run at you, attempting to punch, kick, bite, and scratch you. Their ultimate goal is to cumulatively dogpile on you and pin you to the ground.

29:03Ian Hecox:If they can pin you for 15 consecutive seconds, you lose. Four, you have to knock a kindergartner unconscious in order to defeat them. Once they are knocked unconscious, they vanish from the classroom arena. Five, you can use any strategy you want to fend them off, but you are also unarmed and you are not allowed to leave the room. Okay.

29:26Shayne Topp:So there's no weapons.

29:28Ian Hecox:There's no weapons. There's no objects in the room. I guess there's no objects in the room that you could pick up and use. So you just gotta...

29:35Shayne Topp:Can you hurl them through a window? I wonder. And out of the arena? Ooh. See, I'm thinking... He should have stipulated that.

29:43Damien Haas:That's the thing. When they say there's like no... It's otherwise like an empty classroom. I'm like, there goes any obstacle advantage you might have.

29:51Ian Hecox:Yeah, they say you have to knock the kindergartner unconscious in order to defeat them.

29:55Damien Haas:And see, unlike this realistic situation, that's some movie stuff where like, you know, you just, ah, and then they just pass out. Like, that doesn't happen. That's a severe concussion, especially at that young age.

30:06Ian Hecox:But it says that once they are knocked unconscious, they vanish from the classroom arena. So they do just poof out of there, kind of like, you know, video game style.

30:14Shayne Topp:God, man, I don't know.

30:16Ian Hecox:So these aren't real kindergartners. They're a simulation of...

30:19Damien Haas:Right, they're sim, They're sim-kindergaters. Just cut that part out, and then the rest of the conversation looks like we're fucking monsters. Let's establish it would not be fun. No.

30:29Ian Hecox:No one wants to beat up 100 kindergartners. I don't like the idea of hurting anyone or anything, but there's the ones of like, oh, would you rather fight a human-sized duck or a duck-sized human? I forget what it is. Oh, it's like 100 ducks or one giant duck or something like that. It's a human-sized horse or a horse-sized duck. That's right. Yeah, stuff like that. whatever but I'm like I don't want to do any of that I don't want to fight those things but realistically I think I'm losing pretty fast in this I think so too because like five if I can

30:59Shayne Topp:like grapple you all at once then you're just kind of like I mean like a kindergartner is pretty heavy yeah it's right if five like armor like if one latch latches onto your arm right that's like

31:12Damien Haas:what 50 pounds yeah it's it's funny that's that's the number I literally just landed on my head I'm that gotta be like what 50 pounds but it's also not just that it's like the fact that they're running at you with so much like oomph it's you know it can take the most minor thing in the world to like tweak your back and then you're just screw like imagine like if you got little nieces or nephews but they're just like ha ha catch me and you're like oh okay buddy like yeah it's intense

31:37Ian Hecox:enough no at one point i remember uh my my niece had latched onto my leg you know like kind of that thing where it's like oh like walk and i'll like you know and and so i'm like walking while she's like on my leg and I'm like oh I can barely move now. That's what I feel like you need like a so that's two there, two on the arms and then the other one's just punching your face Yeah, yeah.

31:55Shayne Topp:Or like biting you or something. Oh yeah, no it's I'm losing I'm losing. Yeah I'm round one possibly. Yeah But if you give me like a push broom or something then I think A what? Like a push broom Oh, you haven't had a job that's out of the spot So sorry

32:14Ian Hecox:I've just never heard it referred to as a push broom.

32:16Shayne Topp:Yeah, you need like a weapon to keep them at a distance, you know? And like scatter them.

32:24Ian Hecox:This is literally like, what's that one game? What's the Kung Fu game where you beat up a bunch of people and you can grab like items. Sifu maybe? Sifu. Yeah, no, because in Sifu I would always grab brooms. That shit was so fun.

32:37Shayne Topp:Yeah, you got to keep them at a distance. But if you don't have anything, they just close distance on you and latch onto you like little monsters.

32:47Ian Hecox:You'd have to hope, or if there's desks, as they're charging, you jump up onto a desk, get a good kick in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because otherwise you're dealing with a real

32:55Damien Haas:height differential thing here where they're so small. You're not like, oh, I'm just going to whack them away. It's like you kind of either have to get on their level or use a kick of some kind.

33:03Ian Hecox:Right.

33:04Damien Haas:But there are no, you know, there's no anything in the room. I think, are they coming at you all at once? Is that -

33:10Ian Hecox:Five at a time.

33:10Damien Haas:Five at a time.

33:11Ian Hecox:And I'm wondering, do they come from all angles? Is it like old-timey British Army in a line? I'm thinking the door opens and five rush in. Yeah.

33:19Shayne Topp:Okay. I think, okay, so here, okay, so I think you might need to start it with like a football charge. Like you charge at them as they're charging at you. So you nail at least two of them, send them sliding across the floor like 20 feet. Then you got like three. Like 20 feet, yeah. Yeah, I mean, for me, it'd be more like 30 feet. but uh not how big the classroom is but uh then you're dealing with maybe three while the two are like you know trying to recover right then maybe you can like you know two latch on your arm you got one here then you got this this one's free you go you know like taking a knee to one of their heads right I think you're under

33:58Ian Hecox:also what is giving me some thought is like you can do the classic move where you grab two of their heads and go bonk and then you gotta come out

34:05Damien Haas:this is the Mike Tyson with the pigeons except aggressively yeah I'm going to say something I think is kind of awful, but I've been more quiet on this part. It's because I've been in the noggin and trying to think about how you would actually have to do it. I think the only way you're going to survive more than one round is to play on their fear. That's true. I think because it's what you have on you. There's nothing around you. They're all coming at you. They can barrel into you. I think first one near you, you need to catch and just make an example of.

34:36Shayne Topp:Oh, my God.

34:38Damien Haas:You just grab them by the mouth. I'm not even saying what it would be. I don't want those kind of thoughts to enter my brain of violence. I just am like, it would have to be like.

34:49Shayne Topp:So shock and awe.

34:50Damien Haas:I'm saying Vlad the Impaler of like, they're marching on your army, and then they see like 10 ,000 of your own guys. They're like, is this who we're about to fight? Let's go home. It has to be something like that, because I'm going to get tuckered out real fast. Like, forget the amount of therapy I'm going to need afterwards. Well, these are sim children.

35:06Shayne Topp:They're not real.

35:07Damien Haas:it's gonna your body's not gonna know it's real to me here's the problem that argument doesn't

35:13Ian Hecox:work because these are sim children i i'm thinking this they're not feeling fear i don't think they feel fear i don't think they're real if they don't feel fear do they feel adrenaline because

35:21Damien Haas:if they don't feel adrenaline that goes out the window we're winning i don't even know if they

35:26Shayne Topp:when you when you were saying like you got to make them like afraid my thought went to a much more innocent thing of like dress up as a dentist.

35:36Damien Haas:You don't have a dentist outfit.

35:38Shayne Topp:Yeah, that's true. It's not in the classroom. Yeah.

35:40Damien Haas:I don't want to fight these kids either.

35:42Shayne Topp:Yeah. Or like a barber because like kindergartens hate getting their hair cut maybe. I don't know. That's true.

35:48Ian Hecox:Yeah. Look, let's see what the comments say. Okay.

35:52Shayne Topp:Yeah, we got to see what the comments say. That's why I always

35:55Ian Hecox:keep a clown mask in my back pocket. OP commented, no moral constraints at all. The only things that exist are you and an unlimited number of kindergartners coming at you? Okay, buddy, yeah. Oh, yeah, okay. He's like, actually, just don't feel bad about it. Someone said, why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of picking one up as a weapon? I did think about that. This would be an extreme waste of energy, picking up and lugging around an extra 50 pounds plus. We all think that.

36:21Shayne Topp:Okay, we gotta know. Do kindergartners. Everyone in the comments, everyone in the comments, comment how much you think a kindergartner weighs. They're all gonna say 50 pounds now. Don't cheat.

36:30Damien Haas:Here's how I arrived there, though. I was kind of a larger second grader. I remember having that as the moment that I was like, oh, am I the chubby kid? And I think I was like 89 to 90 pounds in second grade. So I was like, okay, so what would be normal for a kid? I'm guessing like maybe 70. And then, okay, so that's two years prior. I'm going to say 50 pounds.

36:49Ian Hecox:So just, I don't know, sorry. Just using kicks or punches would do the same thing and conserve way more energy. 6 ,000 upvotes. Someone said every fifth and 10th wave, there's a third grader boss to assist them.

37:03Shayne Topp:I love that.

37:04Ian Hecox:Someone said, I've got a huge advantage and a huge disadvantage. I'm a big guy. That comes with strength, but a lack of cardio capability. I'd need to destroy each wave fast so I could have a small breather between waves. So is it allowed to just drop onto the five children like full on fall? I reckon I could spark three out and kill two with each fall. Spark? Spark three out? As long as they line up nicely on the spawn, being bigger, it'd take more to pin me too. But there isn't an infinite number that I could beat. Maybe 15 to 20 waves. Wow. After wave 10, I'd be getting tired and I reckon it'd take 25 kids to effectively pin me.

37:44Ian Hecox:So 15 slash 20 waves survived. Okay, I think people really underestimate this shit. Because have you ever heard about, but people are like, oh, you think boxing is like easy. It's like box for 60 seconds.

37:56Shayne Topp:Yeah.

37:57Ian Hecox:And you are dying on the mat. Like, it is so exhausting. For a guy to think he could do 15 waves, I'm like... That's absurd. That is simply silly.

38:08Shayne Topp:Has he not seen weapons?

38:10Ian Hecox:Yeah. No, truly. That's what I'm imagining. Okay, let's... These are weapons children.

38:15Damien Haas:Okay. They said no weapons. No weapons, but the children are weapons.

38:19Ian Hecox:No, but unlimited games, no bacon. But no, these kids are coming for you, and they're going to rip your face off.

38:24Damien Haas:Yeah. I also think people underestimate how much it takes to get really knocked out. Like, yes, in a boxing match, if you get hit just right, they're like, oh, it's a total knockout, whatever. But, like, these kids have to be unconscious. I think they're thinking of, like, I kick this one and it's down. I kick this one and it's down. No. Nope.

38:39Ian Hecox:Yeah. You're going to have a lot more. Lastly, someone said, I would say max three minutes before I am too tired. So 25 to 30. Jesus. Someone said, finally, a realistic answer. No, the realistic answer is probably over immediately. because 30 seconds, after 30 seconds, another five enter. That's insane. Whether you've defeated them or not. So even if you've defeated a couple of children, even if you've knocked out a couple of the kids, more come in after 30 seconds. So you're not succeeding.

39:08Damien Haas:If they try to sort of like keep away from you, which is another horrible situation, for like, I don't know, three minutes to build up their ranks and then they go for it, you're lost.

39:16Ian Hecox:Also, the big guy's like, oh, if I just fall on them, it's like falling on them is gonna just knock them out. He's thinking like some cartoon logic. Yeah. He's like, these aren't Goombas. Tweety birds around their head. Yeah, yeah. Like, you got me. Anyways. I don't like that we had to think about that. I don't like it either. I much prefer thinking about how many men it would take to fight a gorilla.

39:39Shayne Topp:I hated thinking about that. I didn't think about that when I was Chuck E. Cheese and they were kicking me in the shin at all. Then you had reason. That's self-defense.

39:50Ian Hecox:This does remind me, though, there's a subreddit that is my favorite subreddit right now, and it has been popping off, and it's called Power Scaling. And all they do is they pit fictional characters against each other. They go, Superman versus Omni-Man, and people are like, Superman would fucking crush him. Obviously. And it's just a ton of that, right? They're like, oh, you know, Black Widow versus some other person. Like, who would win the fight? And they're constantly doing this, and it's really fun to debate this, especially when they get really niche. I have one that I really want to post, but I don't have a Reddit account.

40:18Ian Hecox:but I'm like okay think about this power scaling there is an evil dictator who gets to have one guest come and stay with them for a week and you get to send a fictional character who you think would do the best chance of swaying them to good and I'm like okay so it's Ted Lasso versus Paddington versus like Spongebob versus like who would you send that could actually sway an evil emperor or king or something and I'm like that's the type of power scaling I want Okay. Like, who's the most powerful of, like, positive sway? And it's like, Paddington's got to be up there. But I'm like, who else fits that bill, you know?

40:57Ian Hecox:Anyways, comment down below. I like that a lot, though. This is my power scaling predicament. Who is the most, like, positive influence?

41:04Shayne Topp:You think Paddington would sway a dictator?

41:08Ian Hecox:Tell me Paddington 4 won't be like, oh, this evil emperor of this nation. It's like, oh, Paddington, you were invited to go stay with him for a week. And he's like, oh, dear, I don't know what to do. He's Paul McCartney to me. He goes, and then the evil dictator's like, what's this little bear? And then he, like, after a while, he's like, you know what? I'm a bad guy.

41:28Shayne Topp:And he sends Paddington off to the gulag. Jesus Christ.

41:31Damien Haas:I mean, he's already been to jail. He's already been through the jungles of Peru. I mean, this is a classic Paddington storyline.

41:38Ian Hecox:But also Ted Lasso, you know, it's like maybe he would also, like, he'd give him, like, because he's a sports guy, you know? I'm trying to think of other characters that fit that trope.

41:47Damien Haas:You know what I mean? Can there be coercion as opposed to persuasion? Sure. Light Yagami.

41:52Ian Hecox:Oh.

41:57Ian Hecox:That's a crazy one.

41:59Damien Haas:But he's also evil. Sure. Well, it didn't say that he's just got to change his mind. Oh, okay. He's just goal for the day for whatever reason. Yeah. Okay. Fair. I said Ian Hecox.

42:13Ian Hecox:Yeah. Yeah. That was a good one. No, there was a good one recently where it was Dexter versus Hannibal. And everyone's like, oh dude, Hannibal walks Dexter. And I didn't realize, like people rank this shit and they're like, if you look - Because he gets in your mind. They go based on the lore and the feats of like what Hannibal has done versus Dexter. It's fun. I love when it gets outside of superhero territory. Our next advice comes from advice. Posted in May of 2023 on r slash advice. They write, Boner after bee sting Never been sicker Bee sting after boner

42:48Damien Haas:Jesus Christ

42:51Ian Hecox:Yesterday I traveled to another country After I arrived I did some work And in the evening as I was heading to my hotel Somehow a bee got under my shirt And I got stung a few inches under the belly button It was very painful And the area got swollen Weird thing is I got a huge boner right away Last night I thought it would go away If I sleep it off But to my horror, it's still there as I woke up. Thought it might be Morningwood, but nope, that fucker is raging. I tried everything. I'm in another country, and I have to go out now to do things as scheduled, and I'll have to deal with the embarrassment because I give up.

43:24Ian Hecox:I just need someone to assure me I'm not going to die, and it will go away someday.

43:29Shayne Topp:This is those commercials. Like, back in the day, they had those, like, Cialis commercials. Yeah. If you have an erection lasting longer than five hours, like, seek a doctor. Yeah.

43:40Damien Haas:That is because, I'm just scientifically here, like the, and I know it's graphic, but sorry, the blood that is in there that is giving you, like, the boner is, like, after four hours, it's not, like, circulating. It's starting to, like, rot. Like, it's not.

43:56Ian Hecox:Because this is in the pit. Oh, really? I haven't seen the pit. This was an episode of the pit. They have a guy come in with a boner, and they, the pit shows the full boner. Do they have to, like, suck out the minimum? They have to drain it. Not kidding. they fucking show it yeah they show

44:11Damien Haas:that's a real thing

44:11Ian Hecox:they show that shit anyways it's going down in the pit it's really going down in the pit once they drain it once they drain it um yeah

44:19Shayne Topp:yeah look

44:20Ian Hecox:I mean okay so he got I love how he says he's like I did everything it's like everything everything

44:28Shayne Topp:um I would have had a crazy night I know what I mean I mean we're getting crazy Where was he? Columbia? He just said it out of the country. He didn't say it. He didn't say where he was. That's crazy. I don't know why I thought he said he was in Peru or Columbia. He just said he was in another country. They got those dick bees there, huh? Also, I want to say that I thought the title was Boner After Beasting. Beasting. Oh, like when you're all done with your feasting. After watching Mr. Beast. Yeah, so I was like, what's beasting? Okay. Beasting.

45:02Ian Hecox:Comments. If you have an erection for four hours or longer, You need to seek emergency medical care immediately. Hope your wiener doesn't fall off.

45:09Shayne Topp:Yeah. Might. Might, dude. So he was just living with that thing for like over a day?

45:17Ian Hecox:He went to bed and he woke up and he still had a boner. So not good. Not good. He can laugh. Well, if you let it sit there for too long, it does form its own consciousness and a face. It's like, hello.

45:32Damien Haas:Good morning, David.

45:33Ian Hecox:Hello there.

45:35Damien Haas:Is this Cockney? Take me to a urinal. He would be Cockney, huh? He would be Cockney.

45:41Ian Hecox:Damn. Damn. All right. Someone said this is an actual medical emergency. If true, the blood in your penis is going to run out of oxygen, which starves your penis tissues. It can cause permanent scarring and irreversible erectile dysfunction if left for four to six hours. If left longer, it can actually cause total loss of function due to the damage. It doesn't matter what caused it. The end result is the same if left untreated. Please go to the emergency room. It sounds like this bee used horn attack on him.

46:12Damien Haas:Hey.

46:12Ian Hecox:Nice. Nice. Nice, dude. Nice. OP responded to that saying, good news, after 18 hours, it's finally back to normal.

46:22Shayne Topp:It's only just extremely purple now. Yeah, it's just really fucked up.

46:26Ian Hecox:Very bold thing to just ride out. Someone said this has real tube slash cylinder energy. that is a that is a deep reddit call out that we'll have to explain some other time yeah I don't have that elite ball knowledge cylinder shaped just cylinder shaped anyways someone said well you should just rename it to your penis yeah I gotta be so real I was thinking it you were thinking penis you've thrown out penis as a word before I think so

46:55Shayne Topp:update oh does it work still they're a bee now Yeah, this new version of Spider-Man is fucked.

47:05Ian Hecox:Bee penis. Update. I already got a DM asking me what type of bee and where exactly was the sting to replicate it. I'm not going to tell you, buddy. People die from bee stings. Edit number two, okay, it's gone. Thank you for the support. Edit number three, I don't have picture proof, you sick fox. All right, so I guess they're fine. I guess their penis survived.

47:26Shayne Topp:Their penis. Their penis.

47:28Damien Haas:Yeah, well, I guess we all learned a valuable lesson today, huh, folks? Yeah.

47:32Shayne Topp:I got to find out what country that is and go. Go there.

47:35Ian Hecox:Those bees. Just have it out. Go to another country, get arrested.

47:41Damien Haas:No, it was a bee. I'm looking for bees. A bee did this. Like, that was a protected bee. And now you are officially a member of their hive. And now we have to arrest you.

47:52Ian Hecox:Final story. Okay. This was posted in Needed Advice in January of 2020. Found injured pigeon and housed it. Now it can fly again and it's flying in my house. What should I do? It couldn't fly and now it's literally flying around my house. I'm scared it's going to fly on me. Who do I call or what do I do?

48:13Damien Haas:You pick a god and thank them. You have a pigeon now. You have a pigeon now.

48:18Ian Hecox:Give it a message. The only way it will leave is if you give it a message and a destination.

48:22Shayne Topp:I like that their problem is like, help, this bird is doing bird things. Yeah.

48:28Damien Haas:I didn't know it could do that. When I found it, it was fucked up and I tried to fix it and then I did. What do I do?

48:35Ian Hecox:I thought birds weren't real. Conspiracy. Comments, open all the doors and windows to outside. What if a bunch of other pigeons fly in?

48:45Shayne Topp:Yeah. Yes, that's how they get you. It becomes a pigeon party. Yeah. Yeah, and you don't want that.

48:48Ian Hecox:Someone said, check out if there's a pigeon and dove friendly rescue near you. They do exist, believe it or not. They can help and get your feathery new friend to a safe place. Lastly, someone said, open your door and put food outside. OP said, like, let it go outside now. Someone responded, yes. It's healed. It wants to go back outside.

49:08Damien Haas:What does he expect? What does he want? Yeah, that's what I'm wondering. I'm saying, like, they're like, I'm going to fix this pigeon that can't, you know, do anything. Okay, it's fixed. Now what do I do? I'm like, let it go. Or adopt it. Yeah. I mean, look, that one obviously grew up elsewhere, but pigeons in general were domesticated by humans, and that's why it's so sad that they just sort of, like, chill on the streets and are like, we don't know what to do. It's because they're not meant for that. So, you know, most of my For You page is just birds in general, but a lot of it is just, like, pet pigeons or rescue pigeons and things like that.

49:43Damien Haas:And I love it. Thank you, Algorithm. But yeah, dude, damn. You should have had a step two to your plan.

49:49Ian Hecox:Really should have thought this through. I mean, you did a good deed, but you should have assumed that the bird was going to fly. What if it flies on me? I don't know. Let it do. I don't know. It's a pigeon. Yeah, right? We have a little update. It's just a couple edits. They go, edit. Thanks, everyone. I let it go. It walked around for a minute, then flew away. If I could figure out how to post a picture here, I will. It was a pretty bird. It had purple and bluish green on it. They're learning how photos work, too. They're also learning what a pigeon is.

50:17Shayne Topp:Like, is it gray with some bluish and green?

50:19Damien Haas:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

50:20Shayne Topp:Yeah, I think I've seen a pigeon that looks like that, that matches that description. Yeah, exactly.

50:25Damien Haas:I've seen this one, for sure.

50:26Shayne Topp:Had feathers?

50:27Ian Hecox:Yeah, yeah. Edit number two, fuck the asshole who thinks I'm helpless. I was wondering at first if I should call an animal habitat place. I wasn't sure if it was all the way healed, but it did well once my friend put it outside. I have muscular dystrophy and can't open my windows because it's very hard and I live alone, let alone push all the screens out because I can't bend down to retrieve them. My friend came over and got him out for me. Besides my physical disability, I am perfectly fine.

50:52Damien Haas:That was on me. I mean, I guess I had assumed not, I didn't realize the OP had muscular dystrophy and couldn't do the things that were... Well, we didn't know, yeah, we literally didn't know. We didn't know that. We didn't know.

51:04Shayne Topp:I'm curious how long this person was rehabbing this pigeon, like... 45 minutes. Because, yeah, because it's like, it's like, yeah, like this these things will happen sometimes where like a bird will get injured I had a friend that uh these like seagulls made a nest in their chimney and then the the baby seagulls dropped down into their into their fireplace the fire there was no fire um but it was like what do we do with these like birds right and you you know immediately call around see if um if you have like a local rehabber or um if your city has like um what do you call it, animal control. And yeah, they showed up and they took them.

51:50Shayne Topp:Yeah. But this person is making it sound like they were like rehabbing this pigeon themselves for a while and then was like, what should I do after several days?

52:02Damien Haas:Yeah, I also think, you know, I know they're looking for advice, but I think this could be a lesson in clear communication because when it did, like frankly, the beginning of the post did sound helpless where it's like a bird is flying. What if it flies on me? It's like, homie, I don't know. But now that it's like, I have muscular dystrophy and I've raised this pigeon so that it can fly again, I'm not sure what the next step is. Is it appropriate to let it outside or should I call an animal control? I would also have difficulty grabbing the pigeon.

52:27Ian Hecox:It's like, all right, thank you for the information. That's important. It's like, oh, well, let it walk outside. It's like, oh, I'm actually living on a boat and I'm in the middle of the ocean. It's like, oh, well, that's good information to have. We kind of need that. If you're seeking advice, you should really give us the details. Ultimately, this is a silly conundrum to have. But I also understand that when you have a bird in your house that is very intense, that feels like a lot, right? I think it's an unexpected bird. Unexpected bird. But they brought the bird inside and then it became a thing.

53:00Shayne Topp:Also, the thing to know, a lot of these wild birds, they got these mites on them. And you let those into your house.

53:08Damien Haas:Yeah.

53:09Shayne Topp:And then you could have yourself a problem.

53:12Damien Haas:I had a bird mite infestation, and that required me to be out of my living space for a while while it was fumigated.

53:19Shayne Topp:Yeah.

53:19Damien Haas:And it's the saddest thing in the world because I, yeah, actually sadder than everything is what I mean to say, is there was like a bird nest that would be outside of one of my windows like all the time. And it was like from, you know, these birds laying eggs there and having babies. Recently, I noticed some like birds scoping out the same area. and I had to like completely bird proof that area, which was the most like heartbreaking thing to me because I'm like, I've loved watching these baby birds grow up every year. Like it happened every year. And I'm just like.

53:50Shayne Topp:Set up a little house on a tree maybe next year. As long as they're distant. Yeah. I don't know if those birds like to nest in bird houses. Yeah. It's just something to keep in mind. It's tough. Birds got mites. No, it's. And like you said, didn't they have to like heat your place up like to a certain degree?

54:08Damien Haas:Yeah, they were like, we got to cook every living thing in your place. So we're going to, it's going to be like 150 degrees in here. So you got to be out.

54:15Ian Hecox:And then you get a bunch of Swedish guys chilling in there because it's like a sauna.

54:20Shayne Topp:Yeah. They're just there with towels suddenly and it just happens. Sven, get out of here.

54:26Ian Hecox:Get out of here. It's truly sound advice that no matter how good your intentions are to be very smart about bringing a wild animal into your home. Yeah. No matter what. Yeah.

54:38Shayne Topp:And I think like with rehabbing animals, like oftentimes like they don't even want you to bring them in. Like you're not even supposed to bring them inside. I think like for a lot of animals, they say like you get like a shoe box and you kind of like lightly cover it or something. For like birds. I did for that baby possum I found.

54:55Damien Haas:Yeah. A shoe box and like a little t-shirt in there and some like scraps. Yeah.

55:00Shayne Topp:But like you shouldn't bring a wild animal. You should be careful bringing things inside. Yeah, don't bring a wild animal into your house.

55:06Ian Hecox:Yeah.

55:06Shayne Topp:Like, oh, I got this cute doggie, and it's a coyote.

55:09Ian Hecox:Right. But look, OP, in this situation, OP did, it sounds like they helped save a pigeon.

55:14Damien Haas:They did a great thing. It's very nice. And what I love about this post, too, is the fact that they don't have photos. It feels more legit in a way. Because every time you see a video where it's like, I helped this bird that was in a vat of acid. And there's footage of it floating there in the vat of acid. And I'm like, go get it. Go get it. Like, why are you filming? and it's always so weird watching those moments where you're like what is the deal here? Is this in any way staged? What did you do? Right. The fact that they're like I found it there was no time to take photos I don't even know how to do it.

55:42Damien Haas:Yeah. Great.

55:43Ian Hecox:I was too busy saving them. Saving a life. Yeah. All right. Well that's it. That's all our stories.

55:49Shayne Topp:Wow. Dude. I feel like we we really changed people's lives with our advice today. I'd say probably

55:54Damien Haas:10 for kindergartners.

55:57Shayne Topp:Yeah.

55:58Ian Hecox:I would get them to turn on each other.

56:00Shayne Topp:Oh psychologically. mess with their heads.

56:03Ian Hecox:Yes. That's true. You got to use that degree. Psychology. That's what it's for. We had a class on that. Anyways, thank you both for being here and giving some solid advice.

56:14Damien Haas:Hey. Hey. No worries. You're welcome. Yeah. If you ever, you know, are worried about anything or something's rough at home, you know, you can always talk to us. That's right. We're your counselors. Thank you.

56:25Ian Hecox:Counselors. We love you. Okay. I'd take it or leave it. Oh, right. Okay. I respect both of you in a way. You know, community college is weird. Yeah. By the way. I don't even go here, man.

56:43Shayne Topp:No, I'm not going to make that joke.

56:46Ian Hecox:Jesus. All right. Thank you both for being here and thank you for watching. Hey, look, you can take or leave our advice. You don't have to. It's up to you. But do comment down below my power scaling dilemma because I'm curious. Who is the greatest positive influence? Fictional character. Fictional. Mr. Rogers. That's real. It's got to be fictional. It's got to be a fictional.

57:13Damien Haas:Mr. Rogers.

57:15Shayne Topp:All right. And also, how much do you think a kindergarten weighs? All right. We'll see you next Saturday.

57:21Damien Haas:Bye. Enjoy your pancakes. That's what we say here.