Today I Cringed Up | Reading Reddit Stories

22:35Comments here. Someone said, bed and bath was probably fine, but you really should have stayed away from the beyond. Yes! Yes! You did it. We need that commenter from the first story to come back in. Yeah, I want smoking guns. Yeah, he's like, oh. Hot ticket. OP said, honestly, for me, shopping for bathroom organizing hardware basically is eternal suffering. However misguided, I genuinely was trying to be a good boyfriend. Someone said, Once after a procedure, I convinced my driver I was fine, made her take me on a shopping spree, and then gave a bunch of my unopened mail to my dog, who loved to tear up paper.

23:13She told me I was showing off his trick, woke up to a bunch of shit I didn't remember buying in shredded mail everywhere. Good times. That's actually awesome, because you don't have to pay those if you buy a dog. Yeah, if you show the IRS that they're ripped up. Lastly, someone said, my wife drove by a spirit Halloween and I was very upset she wouldn't let me go in. And that's all I remember from most of the day. Imagine waking up in literal hell. Right, right. You're like, ah! Honestly, if I blinked and woke up in a spirit Halloween, I would be confused, but I'd be kind of stoked. Yeah? I'd be like, wow, this is pricier than I want to spend, but Halloween.

23:55It's not really my story to tell, but my friend loves to tell the story for some reason. He woke up from anesthesia and was so dry in the mouth and he asked for water and they wouldn't give it to him. And so his mom was there, I guess because, you know, some about the surgery or whatever. And so he looked over to his mom and went, spit in my mouth. Oh my God. And my friend Cody whips this story out all the time. Wow, that's crazy. I mean, you have to own it. You can't let that just be something that hangs in the back of your head. You have to be like, I'm putting it out there. Oh my God. Jeez, I'm crepes.

24:34This episode of Red Stories is sponsored by Hungry Root. During the summer months, I've found that my eating habits change. Beach days with my friends can make my eating routine fall off the tracks. I use Hungry Root because it keeps me on track with my goals of taking care of myself. So after a full day of eating hot dogs and hamburgers, I can come home to ready-to-eat salads and grain bowls. I love that Hungry Root offers recipes so I can order exactly what I need to make meals that are high-protein, anti-inflammatory, or just a quick bite. With over 1 ,000 grocery items, I never get bored. Plus, Hungry Root screens out over 200 additives like high-fructose corn syrup, artificial sweeteners, and preservatives.

25:12I remember when I ordered my first box, I was amazed at how many options came in it. There was so much stuff, and it was all so good. I've been a huge fan ever since. You're going to love Hungry Root as much as I do. For a limited time, get 40 % off your first order, plus get a free item in every box for life. Go to hungryroot.com slash pitreddit and use code pitreddit. That's hungryroot.com slash pitreddit, code pitreddit to get 40 % off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. And now, back to the show. Our next story is also a fuck up. Uh-oh. Here we go. Today I fucked up by not realizing I've been positioning my stuffed animal wrong for 23 years.

25:55Leaning it forward, opening the butt? Yeah. Yeah. Dude, that's such a... Bad position. Fuck up. Okay. Teddy Ruxpin's supposed to have a tape and it's telling me not a CD. Yeah. Idiot. I've had a stuffed animal collection since I was born. One of the oldest editions was a black animal that for the longest time I didn't know what it was supposed to be. It sits on my top shelf with all my other plushies. This stuffed animal had a peanut-shaped body with a slightly flat head, stubby black legs, long red ears that I briefly thought were extra arms, sonic-like eyes with the mouth right beneath them, a red dot on its forehead, a press-me button on its belly that sang a song if you pressed it.

26:31And what perplexed me the most for my whole life, a little red stub in its crotch area that I thought was its wiener. Okay, the little red dot is going to be its mouth. So it's upside down here. Okay. So it's got things coming out of its... I think that what it thought was the legs is going to be ears because they're like, oh, the mouth is like right below it. It's like, no, it's going to be sonic eyes and the little dot is going to be whoop instead of the beepus. But what about the stubby legs that come out of the bottom? Those are your jowls. Got it. I always sat it up on its hind legs so it looks like all my other stuffed animals facing forward.

27:05Yet I couldn't for the life of me figure out what it was supposed to be until last night. Felix the cat. I was FaceTiming a friend and I picked up the little black stuffy to show him. and while doing so, I was going over it again when I suddenly realized I was positioning it wrong this whole time. I laid the stuffed animal flat and looked at it correctly for the first time in 23 years. The belly side with the press me button was actually its backside and the wiener was its tail. The mouth below the eyes was just some eyelids and the red dot on its forehead was its nose. Oh, fuck! It was a dog this whole time.

27:41I finally learned after going my whole life not knowing what this animal actually is, and I feel so dumb for not realizing it sooner. My friend and I laughed about it for a good second, and my parents teased me a bit for not realizing what they already knew. My dumb ass went 23 years thinking I had some weird furry bug slash alien creature as a stuffed animal, only to realize now that it was just a dog. It's so innocuous, but I had to get it off my chest because I feel like a happy little idiot for only knowing this just now. Edit, this is what he looks like. Okay, so it's definitely weird looking.

28:13Yeah, that's, okay. Let me get a look at this. So that's a top-down view, I guess. Yeah, the little white spot on the back is, it definitely throws it off a little bit. Yeah, I think the issue is they've put like a little tuft of red above the eyeballs, which could be like an eyebrow or something, but it just doesn't really make sense that little bit. I mean, I don't, to be fair, I think I would know pretty quickly that's a dog. But at the same time, like, I do see what they're doing. Well, you know, a classic dog with red ears and red tail, red nose and one weird red eyebrow. There's a fucking massive red one I'm going to tell you about and then you're going to feel really silly.

28:56Wait, does a little girl own him? Can you really own a massive red dog? There you go. Nice. I'm like, for some reason I was imagining like the dad calling the mom and being like, he figured it out. It took 23 years. I thought it was bad walking in on your parents going to town on each other. This is cringe. This is so bad. This is a big fuck up. What is wrong with you? How could you do this? I bet your friend hung up that FaceTime and told everyone. I think the press me being on its back is confusing. Well, it's a white circle on its back. Which doesn't really belong anywhere. That could be a belly button.

29:37That's it. Because mine's on my butt. Right. Yeah. Mine's in my butt. I had a thing that happened like this recently. Not recently. God, why did I say recently? I was like 10 years old. Jesus Christ. I mean, you know, time is relative. Yeah. And the only time now is party time. Let's talk about it. Let's go. I went over to a friend's house when I was a kid, and his family had moved from, I think, Kentucky, but somewhere they had like a local soda, and it was spelled A-L-E-8-1, and it was ginger ale. And so they were like, yeah, it's like, let's get them an AL-81. Like an AL-81, yeah, let's get them one.

30:10And, oh, it's the best thing. You're going to love it. And I look at it and I was like, oh, wait, this has caffeine. Oh, it's ginger ale with caffeine. It's called AL-81. It's going to be a late one because you're drinking caffeine with ginger ale. It's a late one, not AL-81. And they were like, oh, and the whole family was just like, what the fuck? So, yeah. Wow. I would never put that together. Well, you didn't know that was a dog then, I guess. Yeah, I guess not. But I think we all could have those moments of like, I didn't know Lord Farquaad was supposed to be a joke about fuckwad. Fuckwad, yeah.

30:41And I was just like, oh, you know. No, there's lots of things that don't hit me until way later. Yeah. Sometimes it's a dog. It's a lot of, because I learned so many words from reading, like learning how to pronounce most words. Yeah. When I read them off. Oh, no. What? I don't know why. Well, I learned a lot of words from reading. You know, I learned a lot of words from reading. The amount of times that I'm reading shit and all the comments are like, what the fuck is wrong with Shane? Did you hear how he said that? No, I'm just kidding. They're not, I mean, but like, yeah, I say things how they look.

31:15And then I'm like, oh, I'm learning that now. Is there a good way to call someone out on that? Because it's, I don't know, I never, like we've all learned words by reading and haven't pronounced it properly before. But whenever I'm like, oh, it's actually pronounced this. Like, I never know. I think I'm about to sound like an asshole. And maybe I do, but. I don't know I think you're fine I called Hermione Hermione one I did Hermione one I was Hermione Hermione one Hermione two Come in Hermione once Came on me Hermione twice you get splinched What was the word that Ariana Grande used she like did a really good impersonation she's like Ron's been splanched or something I don't know Some comments here someone said you thought it was just hanging dong this whole time?

32:05OP said, I shit you not, I went my whole childhood thinking it was hanging dong and never questioning it. I wish I was kidding. Someone said I can see. I was hanging dog. That's awesome, dude. Thank you. Can I try one more? Granted, it is red and it is a dog. That's true. Yeah. So. Rocket launcher. Someone said, I can see how this mistake was made. It was weird, but plausible. Someone replied saying, it's the red part above the eyes resembling a nose. and once that impression got into OP's head, it never left. So every other oddity was just hand-waved away. Sure. Someone said, I can empathize.

32:39I used to think the old USPS eagle symbol was some sort of sideways Nike swoosh slash cartoony silhouette of a person wearing the US Postal Service hat on which it was printed. My dad worked for the post office, so I saw the symbol every single day growing up. It was not until I was in my 20s that I saw the eagle's head sticking out of the side. Wow. Yeah. It's like the D in Disney being like a backwards G. I still see it as a backwards G forever. Yeah. Sometimes when you see something, you can't unsee it. The big like, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-D. Disney with a D. It looks like a backwards G. It does look like a backwards G.

33:14It doesn't look like a D. It looks like a weird thing. It's just a big old Disney after it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Disney. Disney. Disney Channel. Non-sueable Disney Channel.

33:29This, I don't know why, this is not really that related, but it reminds me of forever ago. I was at an airport. This is forever ago because they used to have TCBYs in airports, which was a frozen yogurt place. And I was in line once. It's truly just like the Menchies of that time. Got it. Right? That's a good way to put it. Damn. Yeah, because they're not around anymore. But I'm in line and you see them everywhere, but nobody knows what TCBY stands for. Today, Kaibukta. Yup. Sorry. but I'm like 12 and I'm in line and there's a guy in front of me and he's ordering and then he kind of goes like, what does TCBY stand for?

34:07And I shit you not, the employee just goes, I don't know. And then someone else goes, it's the county's best yogurt. And genuinely, everyone went, we all, even me, 12, we were all like, really? Like, yeah, you're going out of business. is funny. You need to come up with something better than that. I'm so glad I know that, though. Well, it's gone now. Thank you for that. Watch me find out. Watch someone comment and be like, that's actually incorrect. It's the country's best yogurt. The country's best yogurt. Wow. So watch Emily comment and you fuck that up. It's still the country's best yogurt.

34:46It was still kind of like, okay. But if you go to Ethiopia, all bets are off. They got way better there. Reset. Any other country, but this is the best you're going to get here. The country's best yogurt is the new name. The real name was This Can't Be Yogurt. What? It really started off as This Can't Be Yogurt? Apparently. And then it turned into The Country's Best Yogurt? So they did an IHOP, International House of Burgers thing. Right. But they didn't change the letters. Just change it for real. It was always TCBY, but they changed the meaning of it. Why was the 90s, like, incredulous when it came to foods?

35:22Like, everything was just like, I didn't know this is fucking butter. And like, this is instant coffee. This is DiGiorno. Like, just own the food you make. I know. It's yogurt and it's good. This can't be yogurt. This actually can't be. The lies have to stop, Diane. Prior to 1984, the company's name was, this can't be yogurt. But a lawsuit from a competitor, I can't believe it's yogurt, forced tea. It's not even, I can't believe it's not butter. It's just a different incredulous yogurt brand? I love this shit. I love the yogurt wars of the 90s. By the way, for me, hot take, frozen yogurt, that's ice cream.

36:01I don't give a fuck. I love it. It's ice cream. Same experience. When people are like, it's frozen yogurt. It's different. I'm like, that's the same experience. It goes in my mouth and I like it. It's the same. Hey, first story, Opie's dad. Opie's dad would be like, Opie's dad. I can't believe. I can't believe this is your mom.

36:27Oh,

36:33man. Jesus Christ. Wow, that's wild. Okay. What were we talking about even? I forget. Some stupid dog boy. Some kind of frozen yogurt. Yeah, I like frozen yogurt. It's good. Next topic. Next topic. Next story, go. Our next story comes from Today I Fucked Up. Today I fucked up by not knowing what a durian fruit is and nearly getting my work evacuated. Oh, that'll do it. So I work at a library and one of the programs I run... Oh, no. Sorry.

37:11Notoriously probably not supposed to eat in there already. Because there's like no other senses happening. Yeah. There's no sound. You know? It's not like he's like, oh, I work at a sperm bank. It's like, you're fine. Jesus Christ. What is... There's a lot to unpack there. Either you need to go to a doctor or you don't know what a durian smells like. What is the one that I'm thinking of? There is a fruit that smells like jizz. It's the Bartlett pear trees. The Bartlett pear smells like jizz. There's something, yeah. I thought there was one. We had the big gigantic fruit once on a show. No, it smells like sperm a little bit, and then you eat it, and it smells like if gasoline was custard.

37:53Oh. That's my take on it. I still haven't had durian, and I really want to try it. Sorry, I didn't know it smelled like sperm a little bit. Continue. We've had a lot of fucked up fruits here at Smosh, and so I don't know which one I'm thinking of, but it was a big spiky one, I believe. Yeah. That's a durian. Okay, and there you go. But that was also what I sensed. Totally fine. I apologize. I did not know that was... I also was, I think I've seen that if it tastes like gasoline, it's overripe. And so we didn't get a fresh one, apparently. Got it. So I work at a library, and one of the programs I run is my D &D program for kids.

38:27I have a really awesome group that comes in consistently, and we are nearing the end of an almost two-year campaign. Sometimes my players will bring me snacks. Think Twinkies or fruit snacks and the like. One of my players hands me a silver package and tells me it's a durian fruit pastry. In response, I say, oh, thanks so much. What's a durian fruit? At that moment, I've already torn into the package and I am hit with a wave of the most sulfuric, horrid smell. Think of rotten eggs and gas. It immediately fills the room. My player begins to tell me that it's a fruit with a really pungent smell and is a delicacy in Asian countries.

39:02This kid is like 10, by the way. Loves fun facts. He's a great kid, but I think he underestimated how bad this would smell. I politely thank him for the food, but inform him that for the sake of not passing out in our meeting room, that I'm going to put it in our break room. I'd take a moment to leave and proceed to place it in our freezer because I thought that the scent wouldn't carry if it was concealed. I'll start with the good news. The game went great. The scent persisted a bit in our meeting room, but not for long. They survived an encounter with a horrible amalgamation of flesh and bone and are continuing up the tower toward the final boss.

39:35Now the bad news. The game ends and I'm saying goodbye to our kids when I see my coworker, S, carrying coats and jackets out of the break room. I ask her what's going on and she pulls me aside outside of earshot of patrons and says, there's a heavy gas smell in the break room. We think a pipe has burst. As she says this, my heart plummets into my stomach because I can hear sirens. In utter horror, I turn and see a fire truck rounding the corner out our windows. Oh no, oh no, no, no, no, no. S, no, hold on. I run in the back and there's already someone from our safety office holding a gas meter.

40:09Gas sensor? Something to look for gas. A gasometer. A gasometer. Gaston. Anyway, he is talking to my manager, who is relatively new and looks like he's about to have a panic attack. I rush past him, whip open the fridge, pick up the pastry, and say, is this what you're smelling? As I hold the cracker-like pastry thing outstretched. They don't get half a sniff in before going, what the hell is that? I don't even reply because now my worst fear is confirmed. and instead I rush to the library, ask S to smell it one more time just to be sure. She does and then looks at me like, are you serious, OP?

40:44Before doubling over laughing. I ran out the door and placed the devil pastry in our outside trash can and came back inside where two firemen had already arrived. Full gear and everything. One of them had a freaking ax. I embarrassingly explained to them the situation and thankfully we all have a bit of a laugh over it while I proceed to turn a shade of red that sunsets wish they could be. They actually made me feel pretty good about the whole thing. One of them even said that this isn't the first time they've had to be called out for a durian fruit. I guess this happens more than usual. So this is ridiculous.

41:15Yeah. That's so silly. In their defense, if I smelled what was clearly gasoline, I don't think my first thought would be like, let's check for durians. Like, let's just make sure. Sure, you're not going to think that. Yeah. I feel like you have to have a whole durian for this kind of smell to be, I know. Like a pastry. You got some bread around there. Yeah, right. You think? and it's been cooked, you'd think that some of it would, maybe I guess it gets worse. I think, don't a lot of people, because I really want to try it, don't people often eat it with gloves? But I've never, I think it's the only case that I can think of of something that smells horrible but tastes good.

41:51Yeah. Like that's kind of rare, right? Because usually those senses are so connected that you'd think. I think like a really gnarly cheese can smell just straight up awful but be delicious. But I also think that like, at least in the U.S. for a lot of people we're accustomed to that kind of combo of like okay this is going to be a little rank but it's good whereas I think Darien for folks for me it would be just like a brand new experience but I still want to try it damn I like that the one firefighter had an axe just like you just had that ready it's like oh a pipe burst it's like well I'm going to break more yeah since it's already burst can I hit it is okay what if he just hates books oh shit It's like, fuck, it's my opportunity to chop some bits up.

42:34Where are we going? That's the firemen in Fahrenheit 451. Literally, it's what the firemen do, and they hate books. Comments, how was the pastry? Never got to try it. I was immediately hit with a wave of nausea and was going to eat later, but, well, the fire department came, LOL. Someone said, I used to work for a gelato company that made our ice cream in-house. The trainer was telling us how one store got their whole strip mall section closed for a potential gas leak when they made durian gelato once. Someone said, there's a reason why a lot of Asian countries have no durian signs in malls, airports, buses, train stations, etc., etc.

43:15Small update. OP said, hey, everyone. So it's been a second. I just want to let you guys know over my birthday, my co-worker surprised me with a full durian fruit. I tried it, cutting it up outside so my fiance didn't kill me, and it was pretty good. A warning, though, to those with acid reflux, your burps will smell like durian fruit for a while and may give you headaches like they did me. LOL. Oh, no. Still, I highly recommend you go out and try something new today. Thanks. Hey, love that. Okay. That's great. Headaches? Yeah, what? It's like, hey, I really highly recommend this. It ruined me for a few days, and my head hurts.

43:51I'm sensitive to light now, but the durian is great. So good. Changed me forever. I woke up in hell. Yeah. Tried to rip their hair off. That is the thing, too. If you pull a devil's hair off, they have to go back to normal and they have to let you off. They have to go back to normal. They have to put you in heaven now. Sorry I cut you off. It's so true. No, I love that. I'm glad they ended up trying it. Yeah, because I don't want to, put down other cultures like delicacies or anything. And that poor kid brought it being so excited to bring it. To share it, yeah. But he's the asshole. It's so funny how much stuff that we've tried here at Smosh over the past years, the durian fruit doesn't stand out in my mind as much.

44:30I was like, I remember that smelling weird, but I'm like, that wasn't anything crazy because we've had surstromming. That sounds rough. For those of you who don't know, it is a fermented fish from, I think it's from Finland or something or Iceland. It's a delicacy somewhere. Yeah. And it's fermented forever. And we did a show forever ago where Noah had to have some, and we opened it up outside, and I helped them open it up, open up this can, and some of the juices got on my hand, and I genuinely washed my hands dozens of times that day, and it would not come off, and it smelled like I had gone to a public bathroom and just got my hands everywhere.

45:14You were sifting for gold. Truly just like doing it all. It was unbelievable. You know what? Now that you mention it, I ordered, this is going back to your like, what's smelly but tastes good? I ordered from a restaurant recently. It was a Chinese restaurant and it was, I got fried rice, but it was under one of the specialties. It was fried rice with salty fish and egg. And I was like, that sounds great. I love salted fish. This is awesome. And I like took a few bites and I'm like, this is absolutely astounding. It was absolutely delicious. And then I went in for another bite and I got hit with what I assume would be like kind of a corpse smell.

45:55It was extremely pungent and like, I'm very adventurous. I can appreciate most foods even if it's not adventurous. But this smell like threw me against a damn wall. It was insane. And I looked down at it and I'm like, it was a part of the fish. So I think salty fish, I don't know what was the intent, but I think it was something that was fermented and preserved like a strumming situation. And it was tasty, but it was like a whole, and I really had to brace myself for the rest of it. I always think it's really cool when something like is, like my taste buds or my sense of smell finds it disgusting, but someone else thinks it's delicious.

46:34I think that's absolutely fascinating. Yeah. But, yeah. That's why we're Eat It or Yeet It coming back for 200 more episodes. Yeah, we're going to do it. That's right. Why not? We have new ideas. This episode of Reddit Stories is sponsored by Audible. I truly hate doing the dishes. It's probably the worst chore to ever exist. And when I cook a big meal, the cleanup feels like it will take forever. But now that I use Audible, I actually look forward to doing the dishes. It sounds crazy, but I mean it. I put on my favorite audio books and get fully immersed in the story. Before I know it, I blink and I have a spotless kitchen and I learned something new.

47:07Audible offers a variety of titles so I can jump between science fiction and fantasy to biographies and memoirs. Maybe you're looking for something that'll make you laugh, like Reddit stories. They have an entire comedy and humor section. Currently, I'm listening to The Butcher's Masquerade, book five of the Dungeon Crawler Carl series. I was reading the books physically, but so many of my friends told me to listen to the audiobooks that I actually switched over, and man, they are so entertaining. And I love Stephen Fry's Troy, because Stephen Fry narrates the book. I've actually listened to Mythos, Heroes, Troy, and I'll be listening to Odyssey next.

47:41There's something special about Stephen Fry narrating his own work. New members can start listening with a 30-day free trial at audible.com slash SRRS. Audible, stories that speak to you. Back to the show. Our next story. Today I fucked up by swallowing a brown recluse, being sent to the ER and almost dying. So that's a delicacy, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're supposed to do that in your sleep. Right. Well, no, it's an average of like, you know, everybody eats it. So I have hundreds when I sleep to just balance it out forever. Oh, yeah, yeah. So you probably had none. Oh, yeah, you're probably right.

48:18OP writes, this happened a couple weeks ago and I'm pretty much recovered now, but I guess I wanted to share as a warning in case anyone else ever experiences this. Yeah, don't drink a brown recluse. Yeah, don't eat spiders. So to make a long story very short, I keep water by my bed in a glass in case I get thirsty at night. A brown

48:55Well, I know we got a couple of those around. Yeah, I was going to get to them next week. Deal with that later. Weird. Just got a few loaded guns pointed right at the back. Crazy that one went off.

49:10Now, I knew from past anxiety Googling that swallowing a dead spider is nothing to worry about. The venom is protein-based and breaks down in the digestive tract. I had assumed that I had swallowed a dead one and just decided to try to go back to sleep after a mini panic attack and more frantic Googling. I woke up maybe two hours later with horrible pain in my stomach, muscle aches, and hard spasms, heat flashes, sweating, and drooling profusely. I stumbled to find my partner. We sleep in separate rooms and was rushed to the ER. their partner sleeps in the non-spider room.

49:44Kind of doing an experiment. Yeah, yeah. One of them's clean, the other one has a bunch of spiders. You see, who sleeps better? So what happened? Well, the original assumption was that it bit me on my esophagus, but after lots of tests, it turns out I had a stomach ulcer that I didn't know about. That's another long story. And the spider had very much been alive, and the venom had found its way into my bloodstream through the open wound in my stomach. After a fuck ton of antibiotics and other drugs and a week-long hospital stay, I'm mostly back to normal and I'm feeling mostly okay. I still feel achy and have a lot of paranoia about my drinks now.

50:20I won't be drinking water in the middle of the night anymore, that's for sure. I just wanted to tell this story just in case anyone else has water by their bed at night and to just go to the ER if you think you swallowed something. Just please be careful. Okay, yeah, buddy. I'll make sure not to do that. He's like,

50:40He's like Spider-Man if his power was tummy aches. Yeah. I will say, okay, what I do relate to him is that I have a water bottle next to my bed, but I don't like having like an open container of water. No. Yeah. Nothing's ever happened, but I'm just like... You also have cats. Yeah, that's true. I just imagine like Tuppence walking by and just being like... Like, I just, I don't want that. Yeah. Fuck you. He does piggy dippings in his fountain. I don't want him to do it in my... Yeah, right. I'm a bed thrasher, so the amount of cups I've knocked off by, like, chucking a pillow. Like, it's not like I'm, like, waking up and going, but, like, I'll wake up and my pillows are all over, and then there's a cup of water, like, on a pillow.

51:20Only on the full moon, though. Yeah, only on the full moon. Hairy, hairy. Hairy night. Yeah, I guess that's true. But also, when you have cats, you don't have to worry about brown recluses quite as much. So I feel like it'd be hard for them to get all the way to there. Because some people say, like, oh, cats are, like, immune to some things, but I'm like, I don't know. I don't know about a brown recluse bite. I feel like it didn't make its venom just for people. Do we have those in SoCal? Yeah. Shit. They're mostly in your closets. They're like dark spaces in attics. I don't think I've ever seen one.

51:47We got a few. We can just fly them in. I've got a bunch of black widows around where I live and that's my only reason for wanting them away is protecting the cats. I have an app that I can, when I see a weird bug, I can identify it. Come and fly. Because I like to make sure. and I have a lot of false widows. So those are all over the place. I know your husband's still alive somewhere, you lying bastard. Dude, what I have on my patio is the biggest jumping spider I've ever seen in my life. Really? It is legitimately huge. Jumping spiders are cute. It's so cute. It's so big that we can make eye contact and I can see that it's looking at me.

52:25Nice. It's huge. It crawls around and it'll turn up at you and you're like, hey, what's going on? Hey, bud. Love that thing. Comments. You screwed up. Everyone knows that you are supposed to first swallow a fly. It is fortunate, however, that you didn't swallow a horse. That seems to have an undesirable outcome. That's that.

52:48I love clapping for a lame comment. It's poetry. It's a joke about poem. Bringing that commenter from the first story is like, oh, yeah, you ate a spider. Well, guess what your dad ate.

53:04Oh my God. What's up? Was that high-fiving eight legs? It was supposed to be...

53:17That's actually great. Glad you survived that ordeal. Have you considered a cup with a lid? This is, strangely enough, a lesson I learned from Fallout New Vegas. Here we go again. Really? Are we back? Ruby Nash commenting on her famous rad scorpion casserole. My specialty is a rad scorpion venom casserole. It's more appetizing than it sounds. The venom has a sharp, smoky flavor, and it numbs your mouth so fierce you'll forget you ever had a tongue. It's perfectly safe, long as you don't have sores in your mouth or ulcers in your stomach, for the venom to find your blood, because that'll kill you dead.

53:51Whoa. That's shockingly specific. Wow. Well, Fallout New Vegas had killer writing, so. Yeah. Yeah. But I made my character name Mean Steve. And I ruined all that good writing real quick. You just blasted through it. Yeah. Okay. That's good. I almost watched my mom drink a spider once, and I was so, like, panicked about the fact that I, like, I didn't know how to be like, there's a spider in your drink. I was just like, oh, yeah, you, who, and then, like, yeah, I took a while to get it. No, she didn't end up drinking it, but it was, like, a live little spider that I was just watching in a clear glass.

54:25Like, oh, it's just, you know. Yeah. You don't expect it. I'm not someone who kills spiders, if I can help it. No, I don't kill spiders either. Yeah, so it's like, you know, like the other day I was on my computer, saw something on the wall, three baby spiders, little siblings going. And I went, I'll see you when you're grown.

54:50But I hope I don't eat them. That's the only thing. Yeah. I probably have, honestly. Pooping them out would definitely kill them, probably. Yeah, probably by that point. They're probably like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably dead, yeah, probably. Yeah. I like putting them outside. There was a TikTok trend recently where people were like, guys, don't put them outside. They're dead. Like, you killed them all because they're only supposed to be inside if they're inside. They're house spiders. And it's like, no. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry, they were born outside. Yeah. Sorry, figure that out. It was one of those things where, like, someone stitched it.

55:19They're like, hi, spider scientist. That's not true. I guess some could die. That's not, you can put them outside. Yeah. They'll probably just come back in, but like they'll figure it out I always put them by a plant or something so they can start oh they love those yeah okay I've heard they're a big fan of those yeah our final story today I fucked up by using a leaf blower on my kids oh you can't do that maybe they had a little parachute on and it was fun what if his kids was leaves though no if his kids was leaves if his kids was leaves sucks I have twin three-year-old boys, and they're very active and silly.

55:58Well, the other day I was doing some yard work and using my leaf blower to clear away some grass and dirt. Naturally, they're infatuated, so I used the leaf blower on them, and they love it. Started chasing them around the neighborhood with the leaf blower, pretending they were leaves. Good old wholesome father-son fun, right? Well, naturally now they want me to use the leaf blower on them all the time. No biggie. It's a fun game, and I like playing with the electric leaf blower. Only now it's everywhere, including places where I don't have my leaf blower. So instead, I have to pretend to blow them away like I'm blowing out a candle.

56:27Still fine. All day for the last three days, it's been, Dad, can you blow me away? Very cute stuff. Well, this morning we're at Target and the kids are getting a tad squirrely. They wanted to go to the park and I said we can go after we finish up here. They're dancing around the aisles being toddlers. Then my son comes up to me in the main aisle and in the biggest toddler yell shouts, Dada, can you blow me? Hell yeah. Cue five people turning around to look at me and my kid. You'd think by now I'd be immune to toddler-based embarrassment, but nah. So me, in my quietest voice, face feeling redder than a Macintosh Apple, respond, buddy, inside voice, do you mean you want me to blow you away?

57:07Son one, yes, blow me, blow me. Excited toddler jumping son two, yeah, blow me too, dada, me. Boys, inside voices, please. You mean blow you away, right? How do you ask for that? Sons, please may you blow us away. I blew them away and they go dancing off like leaves. The others who are watching snicker and giggle. One of the other guys nearby gives me a knowing smirk that clearly said, been there. Proceed to finish the quickest target run of my life. That guy's in jail now. Yeah, he's brushing that off a little too fast. Some guy was just like... While he's getting handcuffed. Jesus Christ

57:54Those kids are going to grow up And when they're 15 They're going to walk in on the dad And he's going to be like There with the mom And he's like Oh she's a balloon

58:08Which don't do that This don't This is an Arrested Development joke Is it really? It's like Michael on the phone Being like How's that new consultant going buddy? It's great to hear you gotta say away though. Yeah, whatever. He says it like a few times where he's just like, oh, that's awesome. Well, just remember, you gotta say away for that. And then later, they're like, how's that new consultant? It's like, well, apparently she's blowing everyone away.

58:32That's so good. This is a weird one. I don't know if I trust it. Really? You think it's fake? I think someone heard the Arrested Development joke and is like, I'm gonna write a funny story about that. Because they're like, my face turned redder than the apple and it's the same with the library one where it's like, my face was redder than the sunset when the sun set. I'm like, I don't know if I... Yeah, that's fine. It's too... It's too perfectly... It felt reverse engineered in my mind, but... I tend to... I think with like this one, I think it might have also just been exaggerated. Sure, sure.

59:05I think he might have been at Target and his son might have yelled that and it probably like... Maybe nobody was around or something. Or something close to it. And it's just like, oh my God, like... Yeah. Whatever. Or the kid asked like, Dad, I have to go to the bathroom. And he's just like, oh, can you imagine if he said this other thing? That would fucking suck. I will also say, though, the redder than something, there are some phrases that, for some reason, everyone on Reddit, they do it, right? And no matter how many times you read, how many stories, it's like after every single update is always like, oh my gosh, thank you guys so much for the upvotes.

59:39I'm like... I wasn't expecting this to blow up. Every time someone says, I wasn't expecting this to blow up, I'm like, I guess... Then what are you doing here? I'm like, okay. Yeah. I think that's where I need to find the balance because sometimes it's like, oh, this sounds like it was just written to be written. And then other times it's like, this is kind of the language of Reddit. Yeah. This is kind of just the culture of like, you know, thank you for the karma, kind stranger, or like whatever. And also toddlers do say crazy shit. Oh my God, they do. Kids do say the dangest things. I've told this before, but my oldest brother, I guess, when he was like a toddler, he couldn't say the word truck.

1:00:15Yeah. It would come out as fuck. And my grandma thought that was hilarious. So she was constantly like, oh, what is that over there? Fuck. Constantly making you say it. Just constantly. Comments. I sympathize, OP. When my son was a toddler and only knew a few words, he loved going down the street with all the different flags and the big clock on the outside of this hotel. We had to run his stroller down there to get to story time at the library. He would get all excited and yell, flags and big clock as we passed them. The problem, he could not and did not pronounce L's at all. The second they said flags and clock, I was like, I know where this is going.

1:00:54We know where it's going to be. This also sounds, but maybe, I don't know. And now that toddler's the mayor of WeHo.

1:01:04It's West Hollywood, the gay city in L.A. Jesus Christ. Yeah, the only one. The only one. That's the only place they're allowed to be. Lastly, someone said, co-worker's kid did something similar. He likes Pirate's booty snack and for months would ask his mom in public, Mommy, can I please eat some booty? That rocks. Just say it. First poster? First poster. Yeah, first poster. So I heard through the door. And the dad's like, no, that's dad's job. There we go. All right. Guys, what do we think was the biggest fuck up today? Eating a spider that nearly kills you. I mean, that's like... That was dangerous.

1:01:41Is that a fuck up? That was like a perfect, like God spited him. God was like, you're gonna have an ulcer and then you're gonna eat a spider and it's gonna be a, that's final destination. 100%. I used to send whole plagues to this shit. Yeah. I think it was probably the person that brought their anesthesia partner in public. Honestly, yeah. That's probably the one. That's the most, like, you caused that. They did, yeah. Like, other people had like, little like, whoopsie daisies. This one's like, no, he went on a rampage. Yeah. It's nice that the other person didn't press charges. Yeah, but that guy who had his stuffed animal upside down, you know, fuck him.

1:02:14That's so cringe. 23 years looking at that, you idiot. What is wrong with you? I hope the dog wiener haunts your nightmares. Yeah. And it turns into a nose in those nightmares and you're like, what does it mean? It means you fucked up. Thank you both for joining me today. Hey man, it was my pleasure. It was dope to be on the couch. This was honestly very funny. It's always a joy to be here. And I'm, you know what? I'm glad that a lot of these weren't too cringe because sometimes cringe stuff like hurt. It hurts. It hurts, yeah. Yeah, anyways, thank you all for watching. Go play Fallout, I guess.

1:02:48Yeah, get some HP from a casserole. I'm just saying go play Fallout, it's a game. Go get the Fallout cards for Magic the Gathering. It adds some fun flavor to your game. No. Thank you guys, and thank you all for watching. We'll see you next Saturday. Thank you, happy birthday if it's your birthday, bye. Bye. Happy birthday if it's your birthday.